Jonalyn Fincher's Blog, page 6

Sex Positive Education for Christians

It only seems appropriate after last week’s post on Christianity was Crushing My Children to take a week break from the conversation with Vyckie D. Garrison to talk about ways Christians can be better parents. And since it’s RubySlippers you’re reading, we’re going to talk about ways Christian parents can address passion and purity.

A few months back, David asked this question in the comments (from “To the Virgins on Their Wedding Night“):

As a parent of four teens “How does true love wait while still engaging and seeking to understand, get comfortable with, their own sexuality? How would a parent effectively teach this?”

We want to raise teens who know their sexual potential, who are not frigid or disgusted by sex, who know more about their sexual drives than their capacity to turn them off. We cannot give our children a sense of the power and passion in their bodies unless we’re willing to share our own sexual mis-steps, for even the purest Christian virgin will be sexually broken by age 21.  There are sexual sins in arrogance, distrust and disgust of our bodies that match the shame of any one-night stand.

Uncomfortable



The more Christians I speak with, the more I’m convinced that too many Christian leaders (pastors, speakers, teachers) put sexual health fairly low on their list of priorities. Many Christians treat sexuality with more fear than reverence, or we joke about sex like teenagers more than adults.

Let’s start with remembering what it felt like to be a sexual sixteen-year-old guy or girl.  How many of us felt like we were ready to jump out of our skin? Where did we go with our sexual drives? A boyfriend? The shower? Most Christian writers will never write much less say the words self-stimulation (genital self-touching for arousal), masturbation (genital self-touching for orgasm). And we only talk about porn or fantasies to condemn them or set up confessional accountability groups around them.  Let’s change that today.

Below you’ll find seven questions children and teens are asking. Please skim the questions and dip in whenever you find one of interest. This will be lengthy post because the questions are worthy of time and care. My suggested scripts for parents are in italics.

Caveat

You may notice a glaring gap in my answer. I won’t be using the famous marriage passage (Eph 5:21-33) to defend chastity. This is because the ideals of a bride symbolizing the church and the groom symbolizing Jesus is way too culturally weighted to be useful without shaming teens and young adults. Teens want to image the church or Jesus (what Christian wouldn’t?), this sounds so pure, so ideal, so godly. Pre-teens will happily sign on the dotted line, proud to have their eyes on such sights. But as their desires awaken, as they should in teen years, the stringency of being a metaphor of either the entire church (for women) or the groom (Jesus) naturally grows less attractive next to finding themselves on the roller coaster of sexual delight. Another, human drumbeat is calling them. And well it should, God made us to want intimacy, to be known. But so many well-meaning Christians have used verses on purity to guilt young people to feel that any sexual, bodily pleasure is wrong.  Here’s how our minds run, “Would Jesus make out with the church? Would you do THIS with your sister?” Heck no! Jesus would preserve her spotless and pure.

You’ll also notice I’m also not going to use Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4 (Do not awaken love until it desires) which has been used to convince teens to hold back on their romantic desires until they can marry. I actually think these passages are saying the opposite, “When you desire to love, let it awaken.”

One final reason I’ve not used these passages. Some sexual active Christians (whether by choice or violation) have falsely believed they are no longer useful to God, that God would not bless any future marriage, for their genitals have been touched and enjoyed. They feel they are now unable to reflect God and the church.  Their sexual transgression or violation has marked them so that they currently believe even Jesus blood cannot wipe it out. And if you think of the growing minority of women (and men) who have been molested and raped, you’ll easily imagine the epidemic of worthlessness that masquerades as good sexual purity education.

We can talk about God’s value and delight in sexual intimacy in more positive ways, while keeping boundaries he cares about intact.  I think there are at least three accessible ways to talk about the reasons for setting sex apart: hygienic reasons, emotional reasons, and purpose reasons (these answer the “but why?” questions for your teenage philosophers).

 

Question 1 – What is THIS part for? (when a child discovers his or her genitals)



We can teach our children that we are so comfortable with our own body’s sexual power (of course, I’m assuming you already are) so when we find them discovering the sensitivity of their genitals we can calmly say, “God made those to hold seed to be part of making a baby” or “God made that really delicate for you to enjoy.” And then follow up with boundaries, “If you want to keep touching them how about you head to the bathroom or your bedroom? They’re private so you can enjoy them in private.”

The hygenic reason can be used right here, “Your privates deserve to be touched with clean hands and they have your own germs on them so we don’t want to spread those around to others.” Emotional reasons work well, too, “What your private parts can do is so powerful that you may want privacy to experience these sensations without being stared at.” Also, goal-directed, “The purpose of your genitals is for your to enjoy, for you to understand, for you to give to someone else when you’re getting married, as a sign of the lifelong commitment you want to have with them. This is also why your genitals can make another life, a baby, you need lifelong commitment to raise another life well.”

 

Question 2 – Is it ever okay to masturbate or self-stimulate? Is God okay with me touching myself?

Why we do what we do is often as important to God as what we do.  I believe you can make a sound biblical case for self-stimulation or masturbation being an important way to discover the genital gifts between all our legs.  In fact, I don’t think masturbation must be inherently evil or sinful (I realize all good Catholics will deeply disagree with me here). In fact, as a wise Christian professor at Biola once said, “If you’re 19 and about to take a woman out on a date, it might be a good idea to masturbate beforehand.” The reason? Your sexual desire will be turned way up just being alone with this woman, so if you can stack the deck in your favor and relieve your sexual tension before you take her out, you will be best situated to look more into her eyes and think less about what’s beneath her clothes.

I would suggest parents discuss the goodness of genital discovery (especially for women) for at least three reasons.

God made the clitoris, vagina, penis and scrotum, and that’s just the beginning. He called it good on day six, and God’s servant, David called all of our bodies fearfully and marvelously made(Ps 139).  Both those words communicate the power and thrill we hold within our bodies. I particularly like this passage in Psalm 139 because it means that even after our ancestors fall from perfection, our sexual organs are still very good.
For girls who do not know how their genital muscles work, the first gynecologist appointment (especially with a male doctor) not to mention tampon use, can become a traumatic experience with symptoms near to that of being raped. Do not underestimate that for many Christian women a gynecologist will be the first person to touch their vagina. I’m a huge advocate for the first intimate touch coming from a girl’s own hands. How much better if she knows God wants her to know her body, too.
Part of preparation for marriage ought to involve knowing the way our body best likes to be touched. This is the best wedding present ever, from man to woman, from woman to man. A good guide needs to be written for younger adults who are not ready for marriage, but for adults approaching marriage, I recommend How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget or Ian Kerner’s She Comes First, and Passionista.

I know this freedom sounds terribly risky. What if my son becomes addicted to masturbation? What if my daughter wants to share her newfound knowledge about her clitoris with her boyfriend? I think it helps to compare these real risks with the current known risks of eternal ignorance about our sexual organs.  We have Christian men and women who never learn that orgasm is possible because they believe learning from books or learning about their own bodies is sinful.  We have Christian men and women who think God owes them mind-blowing sex because they were virgins on their honeymoon. Or what about the growing numbers of Christians men and women who are sexually violated and feel for the rest of their lives like sexual pariahs, unworthy of God’s protection, unable to speak of their experience because chastity has been confused with sexual impenetrability. To speak briefly to them, I believe you can be chaste even suffering molestation or rape.  Your perpetrator cannot violate the purity of the way God sees you, nor should it change your status in his kingdom (church culture may be another matter).

But Jesus, I have no doubt, knew the power of his sexuality. If he hadn’t known what he was capable of handling, it would have been impossible for him to dignify Mary Magdalene for giving him an oil massage without pulling away. I don’t think this was the first time Jesus felt sensual touch. I also think he knew how to notice and steward his own sexuality. But, Jesus was the most human person on earth. He was comfortable in his own skin. And for us to be like him, fully human means we notice what God gave us. Jesus encourages this when he says we love God with all our strength.  How can we love God with strength that we constantly bottle up, suppress, ignore, or shame within ourselves?

For a longer interactive post on masturbation and verses explaining why God would not be against it, see this recent Soulation resource MyFaithHurdle and the provocative discussion.

 

Question 3 – Is sex dirty? Is it wrong? Or is sex the best thing a human can experience?



Christians tend to teach all three of these, which is leaves most of us confused. How could sex be the ultimate human experience and also a rather disgusting, shameful activity? We’re probably bound to both over and understated sex until we get sexual power and pain part of our own adult vocabulary.

As sexual active adults know, the power to endure the tantalizing power of foreplay, to notice how our body responds to climax is a pleasure not like much else.  I mean skiing is fun and all, but, let’s be honest, orgasm is a pretty different ride.  And then you add the sexual knowing that heightens the experience, the possibility of eyes-open orgasm (no, your eyeballs don’t fall out), the reality of being seen while you are the most vulnerable. This is why Scripture calls sex “knowing.” And Adam knew his wife and she conceived.

As lovely as sexual intimacy is, I do not go on to believe that orgasm makes for the most powerful, or the most human, experience. This is important to communicate to our children. Sex is great, but it’s not the only or essential thing that makes us human. I’d recommend a popular artist at this point. At the moment, Andrew Hozier Bryne’s hit Take me to Church would work well. Your teenager probably knows it. The haunting and mournful chorus uses religious language to set up sex as a more real worship experience. (First Things’ commentary on Hozier’s Take me to Church)

Grammy nominated artist Hozier. Photo credit: http://www.forbes.com/sites/zackomall...

Here’s where we can take the power of Hozier’s song, share it with our teen, and then ask them to work with us on understanding his metaphors. In an interview Hozier explained that, “Any construct that condemns sexuality ‘undermines humanity at its most natural.’” Ask them what they think about that, ask them about religious teachings, do they undermine humanity, sexuality, worship? I recommend this conversation for very thoughtful teens, usually 16 or older.

I would share that Hozier is brilliant but I don’t agree with his view that we must condemn or condone every sexual act. Not before we first understand it.  In fact, that’s what makes the God of Israel so different. God first talks about sex in terms of cleaving, being together.  Next, he talks about sex in terms of knowledge. Sex is about loving, vulnerability, and creating together. The Bible doesn’t start condemning or make rules around sex without first being clear: sex is part of unity, love, companionship, hope and life. For the really deep thinkers, you can introduce the idea that Hozier has created a straw man out of Christian beliefs (assuming the Russian laws against same-sex marriage are founded on religious reasons for instance, see Hozier’s music video for Take me to Church or this interview for more) to make it easier for him to attack religion.

I would explain that I believe God made sex for something rip-roaring specific. Sex is about knowledge, body and soul. Sex does make us human, but you can be fully human without making love. (Take Jesus, for instance.) Solomon explains it well in (Proverbs 30:18-19), he knows there is something wonderful and beyond understanding of a “man with a maid.”  And yet, we know how the wonder can easily cut into pain. If your teen has sexually experimented or ever even touched his genitals he’ll know that power and the pain of longing.

 

Question 4 – If I can masturbate and God thinks it can be good, why can’t I do this with my girlfriend?

I think the best way to talk about sex is to focus on the sacredness. The Bible uses the word holiness.  Thankfully the God who made the penis and clitoris talks about holiness beyond “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t!”. So I’d talk about sex in terms of it’s potential and sacredness, not in terms of its destruction, at least at first. Here’s what I’d tell my son:

The act of sex is unlike any other act on earth. It can, even when you use birth control, create another human life. I’d recommend a metaphor to explain.

Let’s imagine a pretend world where there are two kinds of paint: watercolor and oils. Let’s say, I find a box of oil paints on my front step. I open them up, thinking they’re just like watercolors which I’m used to using. So I dip my watercolor brushes into them and find I cannot clean them easily, the paint doesn’t move like I’m accustomed to. So I get frustrated.  I also learn something magical about these oil paints.  Sometimes, after I finish painting with oils, at night, the paintings will come to life. If I’ve painted a tree with three women dancing around it, the  women step out of the painting and run around my house. They actually sleep in my basement and want to come to work with me in the morning. They are incredible, but sort of inconvenient. I mean, I didn’t know that if you used oil paints you actually create life.

That’s when I realized there were instructions printed on the sides of the oil paints. Silly me, I didn’t read them. The instructions said, “Oil paints are sacred, special, set apart. They have the capacity to create life. Use with intention, with selection, and with commitment.”

Watercolor pain is like self-stimulation or masturbation, it’s lovely and it can be part of creating beautiful experiences, but it will never create a new life. Oil paint is like sex with your girlfriend.Some acts of sex create a human life. All acts of sex are messy, they combine our physical juices, they expose us, they make our bodies and emotions come alive and any time we’re alive we’re vulnerable. So we use sex with intention, with selection, with commitment. That’s why God created marriage, to help give us a protected place to play with our sexual power. Marriage is God’s version of safe sex.

 

Question 5  – What if I cross a boundary or I get an STD or I get hurt? Sex makes me nervous and scared.

If you can explain sexual practices as your child becomes curious, if you can remind them that the power of sexual organs comes from a God who wants to protect sex for a positive experience, your teen will not be as likely to hide when a romantic partner hurts them (body or soul).  That’s key when boundaries get pushed and crossed. Your teen might even talk with you about what happened.

This is the time to bring out your story, for who of us maintained every sexual boundary we had committed in our pre-adolescent years. Don’t we have stories of damage from those we dated?  For example, if she’s just discovered oral sex is not what she wanted, but was pressured into or sort of fell into it, you can be her first place to cry, to vent, to make sure she is mentally and physically cared for.

You can show her that you serve the God of multiple chances (If you can tell her the first time you went down on a guy and what you learned you’ll earn her trust more than anything else). You can tell her the story of Ruth or Tamar who realized their sexual power could get them places. You can tell her the story of Dinah, who had her virginity taken from her and the way her family poorly responded (remind you of any in the Christian community?). You can tell her about a time a man took something from you that you wanted to keep (it can be small or big, the point is that you identify with her, this awakening that sex and power and pain is often a three-corded rope).

If you daughter (or son) can feel safe to share her disappointments with you, to figure her sexuality out and try again to steward what she’s been given, her body, her soul, then you can be her ally not the parent she’s afraid of. Go with her (or him) to the doctor after you talk, check in through a media she can respond more safely with (chatting on fb, texting, phone, Skype, while on a walk so you don’t have sustain eye contact).

 

Question 6 – What about oral sex? How could that be wrong?

Hygienic reasons seem like a good place to start on this one. I can tell you 10 hygienic reasons I don’t want to put a teen boy’s penis in my mouth. And I can tell you 10 reasons I wouldn’t want my son to put his penis in 10 girl’s mouths.

But there are emotional reasons, too. Blow jobs seem to be a pretty easy way to get a high both socially and recreationally. Have you heard the stories of girls who put on different colors of lipstick so when the party is over the guys can compare how many colored rings they have on their penis? Using sex like a drug and along the way earning some social clout (if you’re a guy, sometimes if you’re a girl).

Much more interesting to me than the blow job question is the reason motivating the girls to want to mark a guy with their lipstick. Today, teens (and adults) use recreational sex to entertain ourselves, to lose ourselves, to escape, to prove sexual prowess, competitive edge in relationships. Besides, it gives us stories to tell on Monday morning.

Now comes the really unpleasant part. If you or I weren’t feeling loved and cared about at home and we thought giving head to a popular guy would buy us recognition (remember, we want recognition and popularity more than anything else), there is no hygienic reason strong enough to keep me out of the oral sex league. And if a blow job seems fun to give or receive, more than the mockery of never having given or received head, then hygienic reasons be damned. Even emotional reasons (you’re going to ruin your reputation, you’re going to feel used afterwards) may not be a sufficient reason to hold back.

Something else, something much more essential than genital stimulation is motivating our teens.  Think back to your first oral sex experience.  Was it really all about the pleasure? What else was at play? It seems acceptance, wholehearted vulnerability and trust seduce most of us into oral sex.

This is where the purpose reason comes in.  Going-down-on-someone is a kind of vulnerability that God intended (I think you can even argue for oral sex being part of the Song of Solomon couple). But not for a recreational one or two night party. Oral sex is what two married people get to experience again and again, to build on it, like a secret, private sexual language. Each act of intimacy is a downpayment on the next one.  Instead of a night, or a few months, or a few years, the Bible talks about a sexual story, one that can last for decades.

At this point, I’d introduce the difference between pleasures. I think the more a teen can realize his parents may have more insight about sex than all his peers put together, the better.  Try this line, “A couple can have sex to express comfort, grief, sadness, hope, excitement, curiosity, and even lethargy. These can each be pleasurable, but it’s not just about a sensation like the sensation of cotton candy. Sexual pleasure is enjoyed “in” and “with” another person. That’s why no amount of masturbation can satiate our thirst for the experience of one soul with another.

If your teen has masturbated and used fantasies to climax they’ll know experientially precisely what you mean.  No fantasy is quite as befuddling and humbling as a disrobed flesh and blood man before you.

With your teens full attention, I’d then ask a few questions to help them decide what they want to write in the pages of their sexual story:

What will this sexual experience do for you and for this person emotionally?


And what is your end goal for this sexual moment? Is it recreation? Do you want a child? Do you want a long term sexual communication? What about tomorrow morning?


If you love them, how do you know?  What does love do?  Here is where you can introduce I Corinthians 13.


Sharing the storyline from a few scenes (your own, or a book or movie) where sexual intimacy doesn’t produce hot sex, but it does produce something surprising or painful or unwanted will help your teen realize the variety of uses for this gift. I recommend the following after you’ve viewed them and approved. These will involve sex scenes, but that is part of the point. (Thank you to film critic and professor Barry Wurst for many of these recommendations).

Knocked Up for an unwanted pregnancy after a one night’s stand
40-Year-Old Virgin for why someone would wait on sex until marriage
Hope Springs for why marital sex is so difficult and rewarding
Closer for how beautiful people can destroy one another if they mishandle sexual desire and intimacy
Random Hearts for sex and grief
Don Jon for how porn addiction harms sexual potency
Eyes Wide Shut for an interrupted encounter with a prostitute revealing a thirst for tenderness
9 1/2 Weeks for the early scenes about unified isolation and the latter about power
The Waterdance for the sex lives of paraplegics
The Postman Always Rings Twice how even married couples feel the lack of any intimacy in their lives, and how cooking utensils can also function as aphrodisiacs

All those lovely reasons aside, in the end, this is a conviction my son will make on his own. If your teen is having sex (oral, vaginal, anal) and enjoying it, as many have and will continue to do so, let yourself be one place for them to share that thrill without disgusting them.  You can disagree without shaming, you can require consequences without cutting off from them. You can explain your fears and concern without condemning them.  That’s the way the God we serve shares his concerns with us. His guide toward holiness is never pockmarked with shame.

He is near, even when we don’t seem to care about his ideas.  That’s what grace is all about.

 

Question 7 – You’re so old-fashioned. No one is this strict about sex.

This is where I think history plays a role. Because no society at any time has ever thought sex was morally neutral. Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, all have rules surrounding sex. Christianity is not an exception. The Christian message is that you leave your family, you cleave to your spouse, and you become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

Of course, there are many good stories of how this order gets reversed or ignored and God still works good things (important to share the good stories of redemption, if you have daughters start with Esther, for sons what about Judah and Tamar).

I’d recommend some purpose reasons here as well.  Waiting on something you want doesn’t have to harm a child, as long as they are waiting for appropriate reasons (i.e. they’re not afraid or disgusted by their bodies). Try out this line, “Just because you want something that is really good doesn’t mean you should have it now. Remember how long it takes for your birthday or Christmas to come, or remember how long it took for us to take that trip to Disneyland, or how many years you had to wait to get your braces off?”  You can then explain the positive sexual purpose of waiting (“true love waits” might work well here, as well as our own capacity for self-deceit to justify desires with loftier reasons, but I would be careful of equating sexual desire with selfishness).

My favorite motivator as a teen was this passage from Jane Eyre. You might even say that Jane Eyre’s courage in the face of Mr. Rochester’s sexual dominance proved to me that even if my veins were running with desire, I could hold to the law of God. I actually copied this paragraph into my journal and memorized her lines. Jane Eyre had both fire and courage and I was hungry for a chance to show both.

I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad – as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth – so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane – quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.

It was about as Victorian as it gets, but for the romantic in me, Charlotte Brontë’s words showed me how to be honest about my veins running fire without shedding God’s ideas about how sex would best flourish.

I think most teens who love Jesus want that kind of hopefulness when they hear us talk about sex. That sex can make them passionate and more human, that sex isn’t something to bottle up, but to notice and steward even now, even as single men and women.

Recommended reading for those who want to go deeper

How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character by Stan Jones and Brenna Jones
Sex for Christians: The Limits and Liberties of Sexual Living by Lewis Smedes
See Me Naked: Stories of Sexual Exile in American Christianity by Amy Frykholm. Emerald City with Amy

Questions? Join me in the comments.

* I am indebted to Roger Scruton’s article “Is Sex Necessary?” from First Things (November 2014, No. 248) for several ideas herein.

Christianity Was Crushing My Children

Part 2

Meet Vyckie (if you missed Part 1).

I met the activist and atheist, Vyckie D. Garrison, first on Twitter. Our Facebook and then face-to-face conversation confirmed my hopes. Vyckie cares about thinking, open-mindedness, and honesty. At first, these qualities led her to Christianity, but they couldn’t keep her. For more than 16 years, Vyckie was a prominent member of the Quiverful, a Christian fundamentalist group that bans birth-control (think Duggar family).  But for the sake of her own mental and physical health and that of her children, she divorced her husband and left Christianity. Drawing from what she calls the “extremism” that fueled her fundamentalism she now works at No Longer Quivering (@NoQuivering) where she rescues women who are disenfranchised from Quiverfull living. At No LongerQuivering.com you’ll find her team faithfully writing against spiritual abuse.

I’ll be teaching a creative eCourse at the end of January on how to have spiritual conversations without losing your friends. Find out more by clicking this image or go to soulation.org/spiritualtruth

On a personal note, the day of our interview recording, Vyckie wrote something very kind on her wall (see Part 1). Hugely complimented, I was also a little daunted to talk with Vyckie. You see, for all her openness, Vyckie also says things like “Jesus is the Big Guy who exemplifies the abusive bully” and “The entire Bible is out of context and has no place in the 21st Century.” To hear these statements in context, check out her Easter presentation to the American Atheists, Inc. “Escape from Duggarville: How Playing the Good Christian Housewife Almost Killed Me“.  240,671 people liked her speech.

Crushing Her Kids

To me, the most provocative point Vyckie made was that Christianity was crushing her children. In her words, they were “thoroughly confused”. Vyckie’s words made me think of other casualties that I know, like the purity movement’s forceful mandates that still produce adults with symptoms identical to sexually abused adults, for more: Breaking Shame: Why Purity Culture Works).  Vyckie became a devoted Christian because she wanted a good, safe, loving home for her children. But, the sheer rigidity of the rules gave her kids issues that felt insurmountable. Before you start psychoanalyzing Vyckie, Stop, Wait, Notice.

Put yourself in Vyckie’s shoes. You’re being as faithful a wife as you can possibly be, a Proverbs 31 woman, and you are banking on the promise of this rigid parenting (don’t spare the rod) turning out obedient, God-fearing, and flourishing children. But then, your kids don’t seem flourishing, in fact, they seem to be dispirited.

What’s wrong? You can question yourself (which I’m sure Vyckie did for years), you can question your kids (more spankings in order), or you can question the system (which was her faith).

For many of us, the most important place we will defend Christianity will be with our children. Our capacity to understand the Bible and translate it into the relevant issues plaguing our children’s life is where God is specifically asking us to be his disciples. Three areas I’ve noticed we can do better:

When our children are bullied, can we integrate Jesus’ teaching of “turn the other cheek” with God’s passion for justice and shalom?
When our teen experiments sexually (against our instruction) can we talk with them about why this desire is so good, so strong, and still so sacred?
When our family shuns or teases our child for being THEM, revealing the family’s anxieties about our child’s uniqueness, how can we help our children “let their lives speak”? (Psalm 139:14)

For each question, we must be able to use our own lives to preach truth. Christianity is meant to be a light load, a place of rest for our souls. How have we asked Jesus to apprentice us in these areas?

What did we do, or wish we had done when we were bullied?
What did we do when we wanted or went “all the way” with that guy/girl? How was God a part of our shame, delight, or discovery of our body’s sexual power?
How do we own our own “weirdness” when faced with our family’s disapproval? as a child? as a teen? as an adult?

If reading in email, view here.

A few more subjects Vyckie brought up:

Can you trust the Bible as literally true and not be a fundamental? I believe you can, but what lines divide these two groups? What makes a person a fundamentalist verses a literalist about Scripture? Another key question to face for the sake of our children.
The problem of over-confidence that nothing could change our mind.
The dangers of isolation: from limiting our own reading material to simply/solely Christian writers, to not allowing ourselves to talk with anyone (except family members) of the opposite sex.
The hunger for more conversation that what fits our gender stereotype, and the way cross-sex friendship gave Vyckie a chance to have intellectual debate.
Vyckie mentioned Chris Hedges’ book American Fascists. Have you seen the American Right or just Christians in general as a people group with deep disconnect from the host culture?

Please discuss in the comments. I’d particularly like to hear from those who were raised with are have been counseled to use child-rearing practices that were marketed as the “the Biblical way.” Did any of these practices concern or damage you?

All respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome.

Free to Talk With An Atheist

People with no religious affiliation have risen from 8% in 1990 to 21% in 2013.*  Chances are you’re going to meet an atheist or someone who claims no religion sooner than you think.

If you visit the American Atheists, Inc Facebook page you’ll read, “Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to skip church! I’m too old for fairy tales” a slogan that the American Atheists posted on billboards in five cities this last Christmas.  I first learned about the billboards from this WSJ article on “Dueling Displays in Capitols” where the Satanic Temple group displayed a booth to counter a Nativity scene in the Florida Capital.

Fresh evidence of the culture war between people of faith and atheists tells me something. There’s combat going on, snarky, snide, insulting combat. And Christians do not have to respond in kind. We must respond, certainly, but we must hold to the primacy of Jesus and our apprenticeship to him without punching those who call our faith a pack of “fairy tales”.

When I hear cruelty and straw-manning from Christians, I start thinking We’re becoming more afraid, than we are devoted to listening to Jesus’s ideas about truth setting us free. Our ‘bumperstickering’ of “Keep Christ in Christmas” while making perfect sense to us, looks to the atheists like we’re donning SWAT gear. They hear us saying “You don’t get any goodies of Christmas (i.e. joy, presents, family time, peace, love)  if you don’t bow the knee to our Christ.”

Translation: You don’t get the goodies unless you kiss my God’s butt. I’m not exaggerating (watch Kiss Hanks’ Ass). And often, this is what our kids hear us saying as well.

There is a reason we’re losing the culture war.  We no longer know how to talk with someone with whom we deeply disagree (about abortion, Jesus, politics, organic food).  But we must keep talking, keep trying out our empathy muscles. That’s why I wrote Coffee Shop Conversations. That’s why I film the Emerald City conversations.

Join me for two cuttings from my most recent Emerald City with atheist, Vyckie D. Garrison. We disagreed to be sure (keep up the month of January to watch the entire debate), but we never lost our common ground.

Watch “The Man Behind the Curtain” here http://www.soulation.org/content/the-...

Meet Vyckie Garrison

I met the activist and atheist, Vyckie Garrison, first on twitter. Our Facebook and then face-to-face conversation confirmed my hopes. Vyckie cares about thinking, open-mindedness, and honesty. At first, these qualities led her to Christianity, but they couldn’t keep her. For more than 16 years, Vyckie was a prominent member of the Quiverful, a Christian fundamentalist group that bans birth-control (think Dugger family).  But for the sake of her own mental and physical health and that of her children, she divorced her husband and left Christianity. Drawing from what she calls the “extremism” that fueled her fundamentalism she now works at No Longer Quivering (@NoQuivering) where she rescues women who are disenfranchised from Quiverfull living. At No LongerQuivering.com you’ll find her team faithfully writing against spiritual abuse.

On a personal note, the day of our interview recording, Vyckie wrote this on her Facebook wall (see pic at right). Hugely complimented, I was also a little daunted to talk with Vyckie. You see, for all her openness, Vyckie also says things like “Jesus is the Big Guy who exemplifies the abusive bully” and “The entire Bible is out of context and has no place in the 21st Century.” To hear these statements in context, check out her Easter presentation to the American Atheists, Inc. “Escape from Duggarville: How Playing the Good Christian Housewife Almost Killed Me“.  240,671 people liked her speech.

Here you can see us beginning to determine if we can trust one another even as we find common ground. The opening minutes are all about listening well and gaining trust. What common ground do you see us identifying?

If reading in email, view here. Watch my “The Man Behind the Curtain” talk for Biola in which I quoted Vyckie’s advice.

* According to surveys by Trinity College and the Public Religion Research Institute a nonprofit, non-partisan group.

~~~

Next, I’ll ask for the reasons Vyckie left Christianity. If you’ve never heard an atheist explain why they left their faith, this is your chance. Stay tuned.

I’ll be teaching a creative eCourse at the end of January on how to have spiritual conversations without losing your friends. Find out more by clicking this image or go to soulation.org/spiritualtruth

In the comments, I’d like to particularly hear from those of you who relate to Vyckie’s (and my) background.

All respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome.

Emerald City with New York Times Bestseller Lisa See

Welcome to a fresh year at RubySlippers, the place where we gather to push beyond pat answers about faith and sexuality.

I’ve been working on a new picture for the top header to celebrate RubySlippers’ seventh year!

After much deliberation and brainstorming, we chose this shot. I’m standing on my driveway, my yellow brick road that takes me home.

And while you cannot see them, I was wearing ruby slippers.

~~~

Ever since Sally (the photo bomber in the above pic) gave me Snow Flower and the Secret Fan where I read the chilling but necessary foot-binding scene between mother and daughter, I wanted to share Lisa See with all the women in my life. Lisa is one of the rare female writers who “cut to the bone” to write for the sake of buried or forgotten stories that must be told. Lisa’s acclaimed and popular novels describe the painfulness of love between women (mother/daughter, sisters, friends) without losing hope that these friendships are central to our lives.  A New York Times Bestselling author, meticulous researcher, and sharp and intelligent speaker, Lisa See joins me for an Emerald City.

On a personal note, our Emerald City interview grew out of Lisa’s visit to Steamboat Springs. I had the pleasure of meeting her after she spoke at our local Bud Werner Library. Lisa quoted one of her favorite lines (drawn from a Chinese woman writer) “You have to cut to the bone to write.” Afterwards we connected on twitter and Lisa agreed to join me for an hour interview.  You may not be able to tell from first glance, but Chinese blood flows through Lisa’s veins, and as she revealed in our time together, writing is one of the ways she makes sense of her Chinese-American heritage.

Choose the clip that seems most interesting, or listen to them all, from what makes a Chinese tiger mother, to the subtle racism Lisa develops for her newest and already NYT bestseller book China Dolls.

I asked Lisa to explain what makes a Chinese tiger mom.

If reading in email, view here.

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I ask Lisa about the Chinese practice of laotongs, lifelong emotional friends in Snow Flower, a novel where she traveled to such remote places she was told she was the second foreigner (ever!) to visit. In these remote Chinese villages Lisa researched the secret writing invented, used, and kept a secret by women for over a thousand years. You’ll find out why they needed this language in this clip.

If reading in email, view here.

~~~

In writing China Dolls, Lisa See reveals the way racism can even seem like a compliment to someone else. As she explains in this novel, drawing from real LIFE magazine instructions, readers learned how to distinguish a Japanese from Chinese by noticing height and complexion. “After decades of being inscrutable suddenly Chinese could be identified by their placid, kindly and open expressions.” 

If reading in email, view here and here.

See more of the background on what inspired China Dolls in this Voice of America video.

~~~

Lisa gives me some advice on how to write something as large as a novel. Her advice unlocked some of the more mysterious areas of novel structure and finishes with a suggestion from The Wizard of Oz. 

If reading in email, view here. Both of Lisa’s book recommendations are incredibly fun. If you’re a writer and haven’t picked up Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life or Carolyn See’s Making a Literary Life: Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers, you’re missing some excellent companions for the writing journey,

~~~

For your listening pleasure, we have carefully divided this entire interview into audio segments. The uncut audio of this special Emerald City with Lisa See will be on iTunes within the next few days. We will put up the link as soon as it is available. 

In case you haven’t read Lisa See’s novels, my recommendations in order:

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan – a story of lifelong friendship (laotong) between women in 19th century China.

China Dolls – follows the Asian-American night club performers who entertained on the Chop Suey in the 1930’s and 1940’s.

Peony in Love – coming of age story of a 17th century Chinese girl that includes the ghostly existence of those in the Chinese afterlife.

Follow @Lisa_See. See the pictures and interviews that inspired Lisa’s work at LisaSee.com

How to Find the Right Therapist

Because 2015 holds hope for all of us, I want to share the most pivotal way I’ve found hope and change. Back in 2000, right before I broke up with my fiancé, a lay counselor offered to help me through my confusion and crisis. She was my best friend’s mother, and incredibly gifted. She became my first formal counselor. I justified the stooping (as I saw it) to get “help” because I felt my fiance needed help so I would need help to help him.  Lots of codependency right there, do you see it?  My counselor did. My psychologists over the years have been able to help me untangle the knots in my childhood, they’ve shown me how to be more confident and more humble. In a nutshell, psychologists have helped me become the woman God created me to be.  

Since then, I’ve found out the gold mine vs. minefield of psychology. Recently, I had to interview psychotherapists for my own tune-up. One in particular reminded me of Betty Draper’s arrogant psychotherapist in Mad Men.  Some counselors do not deserve to counsel us. Since psychologists, like any other people group in a lucrative profession, come in the good and bad variety, I want to share a few tools to help you find a good one. 

In abiding hope that 2015 will be rich with change as you become a closer follower of Jesus,  I’ve invited Lindsay Snow, a doctoral student of clinical psychology and a Christian to show us how psychologists can be a part of your journey. You’ll enjoy her practical advice. Do look for the underlined sentences that point out red flags.

And speaking of 2015, if you’ve enjoyed RubySlippers, please donate to Soulation. Even a small monthly pledge can keep our doors open.

Donate here.

~~~

A guide to finding the right psychologist for you.

Guest post by Lindsay Snow.

Let’s talk about therapy.  I sat here for a few weeks mulling over how to introduce the topic of therapy to you, and so far nothing witty or charming has come to mind.  But as I’ve typed, deleted, retyped, deleted various combinations of sarcastic jokes and sentimental one-liners, I think I’ve realized something. This is exactly what talking about therapy does to us.  It makes us feel like we have to preface it. Like we have to break the ice somehow. I’ll bet most of us feel pretty uncomfortable, albeit, very intrigued. And yet as intrigued or curious as we might be, we hardly ever spend time discussing the ins and out of therapy.  Therapy is personal, it’s vulnerable, and it’s clouded in social stigma.

I was a freshman in college when my spiritual director looked me in the eyes and asked, “Lindsay, have you ever considered going to therapy?” I froze, and all my thoughts (which I always have an excessive amounts of) came to a screeching hault. Talk about being caught off guard. My reaction was somewhere in between being offended, embarrassed, and dejected.  I needed professional help?  My cover was blown. Great.

“So maybe I should call and make an appointment at the counseling or something . . .” I muttered.

The first therapy session was terrifying, confusing, and undeniably awkward. A Thomas Kinkade-like painting of a cottage next to a creek (classic, right?) hung on the wall behind the therapist’s chair. Old, cliché psychology books lined the shelf. Dim, yet warm lighting. Oh, and the couch. The infamous psychotherapy couch.  “If she asks me to lie down, I’m out.”

“You can go ahead and sit on the couch,” she prompted. So I sat. And there I was, face-to-face with a young, maybe in her late 20s, graduate student therapist who was looking at me like she wanted to know everything going on inside of me. Terrifying. Who was she? I stared back at her thinking, Okay now what? I shifted on the couch.  Sigh. This was going to be a long process. But something about her felt safe, like it was okay with her for me to be as confused and scared and awkward as I was. She wanted to know me.

Fast forward two and a half years and I was still sitting across from that same young graduate student therapist, on the same couch, preparing to say goodbye to one of the most caring, genuine, and present individuals I had ever known.

Fast forward a couple more years and now here I am:  the young 20-something-year-old graduate student therapist sitting across from terrified and confused (and sometimes awkward) college students, wanting to know them.

We need to talk about therapy. Despite the potential discomfort, I suspect that many of you have at some point been curious about therapy, been to therapy, or wanted to go but opted not to some reason or another. I want to open the door for conversation (feel free to ask me questions in the comments!), normalize the experience, and provide a helpful framework for finding the right therapist.  And not all therapists are good ones!  

I recently began seeing a therapist who appeared to be a great match for me on paper.  I walked into her office and was struck by how immediately uncomfortable I was. I started talking, explaining where I was at in my program and what sorts of [negative] feelings I had about coming back to therapy. No response. She just stared at me, and then after several uncomfortably long silences and a few sips of her iced tea, she asked seemingly irrelevant and sometimes offensive questions.

My thoughts were churning, I’m doing something wrong. What am I doing wrong? Okay, I’m being defensive. Lindsay, stop being so defensive. I attempted to engage again, divulging even more personal details. No response. I left the first session emotionally upset. I left the second session emotionally upset. Discouraged, I explained the situation to my roommate (also a budding psychologist), and she reflected this to me: “It sounds like you feel shoved out of the room. No wonder you’re so scared to open up to her.” The light bulb flashed on. There was no safety in that room with her. I terminated with the therapist at the beginning of the third session.

I doubt my recent experience is an uncommon one.  It truly feels unsettling, discouraging, and perhaps even rejecting when something like that happens.  It is not how therapy can or should be. The good news is that there are ways to assess from the onset of therapy whether or not this could be the right therapist for you.

Simply put, therapy is all about relationship.  And it is most meaningful when you establish a relationship that is safe, that you trust, and that has clearly defined boundaries.  The whole journey begins by determining which individual you want sitting across from you.  You cannot find the right therapist if you’re not sure what a therapist should and should not offer.

Step 1. To research the therapists in your area, you can begin with the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can even search by zipcode for those in the USA. You can read up on each counselors beliefs, training, certification, and schooling. This site lets you do your own research without picking up the phone.

But once you’ve chosen a few, it’s time.

Interviewing a therapist jumpstarts the entire process.  When seeking professional help, I want to remind you that asking questions, getting information, and trusting your gut is your right as a client.

This is where I took a misstep in my most recent therapy experience: I walked in and committed to a relationship I didn’t want to be in.  I ignored my gut in favor of trusting her impressive credentials when I could have kept shopping and interviewing other therapists.

Step 2. When therapist-shopping, the first step is to ask if the therapist is willing to do a 20-minute consultation/interview session at a reduced rate (or for free- doesn’t hurt to ask!).  If this therapist doesn’t do interviews, red flag—move onto the next therapist.  You deserve answers before financially committing in a significant way to anyone.

While interviewing, I’ve found that it’s helpful to remember these three categories: the professional, the practical, and the personal.

The Professional

You always want to know the kind of training and expertise your therapist has.  This includes:

Credentials. Just because someone is a “counselor” doesn’t mean you can trust them. Check out their level of education and verify that they are licensed. Click here to better understand some differences between various counseling degrees.
Typical clientele he or she sees (For example,“Have you seen with clients who have struggled with sexual identity? How many?”)
What is their method? What kind of therapeutic approach does he or she prefer to use? Even if you don’t understand their methods (e.g. Relational psychodynamic with some cognitive-behavioral techniques), you can ask for clarification (“Okay, so what does a typical therapy session look like with that kind of method?”)Click here for a description of some of the more common approaches. If the therapist only uses overly academic or clinical terms you cannot understand, red flag. Move on. You won’t be able to connect if you aren’t speaking the same language.
How does this therapist approach topics that are important to you personally (i.e. spirituality/religious beliefs). For instance, if they’re an atheist (yes, you should ask about their spiritual beliefs if you’re interested), will they be able to help you sort out your beliefs as a Christian? Notice how you feel when you listen to their responses.
Behavior in sessions.  Believe it or not, I’ve heard of therapists taking personal calls and checking emails in the middle of sessions. I’ve also heard of therapists wearing slippers in session. It almost feels silly to include this, but apparently it happens often enough that I should forewarn against seeing a therapist who doesn’t treat you as highest priority during sessions.

The Practical

Therapy costs time, money, and energy.  Communication of details helps maintain the frame of therapy.  Make time to ask questions about:

Cost.  Therapy can be expensive, but many therapists operate off of sliding scales (adjusted prices for various clients depending on circumstances).  Don’t be bashful about questioning the cost! Some providers will ask “What can you afford?” so you may want to think about this ahead of time.
Insurance. Contact your insurance provider to see if they cover the cost/reimburse a percentage of the cost. Ask the therapist if they accept insurance to cover fees (note: some do not; it’s a matter of personal preference for most private-practice therapists)
Duration of treatment.  Sometimes therapy can last a few sessions, a few months, or even years.  After your first meeting, your therapist will probably want to get some of your background story and then they may provide some suggestions about a general time frame, which can help mentally and financially prepare you for what’s ahead.
Paperwork.  Signing “Consent to Treatment” forms and “Confidentiality” forms protects your legal rights as a client and outlines the expectations of treatment, the limitations of confidentiality, and emergency/cancellation policies.  Read the forms, and ask boldly for clarification for whatever feels fuzzy to you.

The Personal

If you don’t have an ease in this interview, a shoulder-relaxing feeling when you start talking, you will have a very hard time growing with this therapist. A therapist can provide all the right details and possess all the right kinds of degrees/certifications and still not be right for you. The question is, “Do you feel comfortable and safe with the person sitting across from you?” The answer should be “Yes” even when they poke at what hurts.

If you sense you have something to prove to your therapist AND cannot tell them you have that feeling, you’re not safe. Red flag, change to another therapist.

Your therapist should be someone who is:

Competent. The therapist should be able to seamlessly talk through introductions, paperwork formalities, and descriptions of what the session ought to look like. At a gut level, you want to feel like the person sitting across from you knows what they are doing.
Consistent in beginning and ending therapy sessions on time.
Compassionate and genuine. Again, go with your gut. You should be able to trust their care for you and feel heard in every session.
Honest about their own limitations as a therapist. They admit to not knowing all the answers and practice their profession with a sense of humility.
Willing to sit in silence with you.
Capable of maintaining personal and professional boundaries.  If a therapist shares too much information about his or her own personal life during session or at any point seems interested in seeing you outside of therapy sessions, it’s time to find a new therapist. Boundaries in the therapeutic relationship protect our privacy and cultivate trust. If the boundaries feel too loose, big red flag.
Open to feedback from you about what has been both helpful or unhelpful in therapy.

Your therapist should NOT be someone who:

Has their own agenda for therapy. This could be as subtle or as explicit as feeling like what you’re saying is not good enough, that you’re being pushed toward certain kinds of emotional responses, or that your therapist continually misses what you’re saying. A good therapist should be able to hear you and easily get on the same page as you.
Insists on telling you how you ought to live your life.  A basic goal of therapy is to help you stop “shoulding all over yourself.” The last thing you need is a therapist telling you how you ought to be. Chances are you are already aware of the issues- you didn’t bring yourself to therapy because everything in life has fallen perfectly into place. If you feel shamed or unsafe in therapy, red flag alert!
Becomes harsh, angry, or bitter toward you at any point in therapy
Violates the professional/ethical code of conduct. If you’re interested, click here to see the psychologists’ ethical code and here for marriage and family therapists’ ethical code.

It wasn’t too long ago that I wrapped up the final session with my very first client.  The experience itself was enriching, fulfilling, weighty, and incredibly anxiety-provoking. As I debriefed the termination session with one of my instructors, she encouraged me with a bit of wisdom that one of her instructors had given to her. She said, “Lindsay, all any client will ever want from you is to feel cared for, accepted, and known by you. Your job is to offer that to them.”

An experience of being cared for, accepted, and known.  That is what therapy can and should be. Boldly move toward this.

~~~

Lindsay is a Southern California native who, for the past six years has called the city of La Mirada home.  After she earned two Bachelor’s degrees in Biblical/Theological Studies and Psychology from Biola University, she decided it would be a good idea to go to graduate school for a doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  Currently, she attends Rosemead School of Psychology but can be found in any local coffee shop studying and drinking more coffee than is good for her.  

Giving the Gift of Consent to Your Spouse

Guest post by Christina Kroeger

Before I got married, consent was pretty clear to me. If he wanted to touch me, I could say,”No” and that was the end of the conversation. No push backs. No attempts at convincing me otherwise. No means no.

My “No” was always respected.

My good fortune left me with a serious downside. I thought consent belonged solely in the realm of “before marriage”. I believed that the only reason one would have issues with sex after marriage is if there had been issues with sex before marriage. People often mentioned sex being hard, but I kept thinking mechanically difficult. I wasn’t really prepared for the fact that a couple’s sex life affects almost every aspect of their marriage. I had no idea that (for instance) if your husband is insecure about some random issue in his workplace, he could take that into bed with him. Before marriage it didn’t occur to me that I might need to know how to deal with saying “No” after marriage.

I am someone who loved physical touch before she got married, and after I was married I still enjoyed physical intimacy quite a bit.

But then I had kids, and my desire for physical intimacy plummeted.

I wasn’t “in the mood” all that often. So consent would have come in really handy at this point. And yet, for Christians, it’s not always as simple at “No means no”. There’s more to take into account, Paul for instance, in 1 Corinthians 7:5, where neither spouse can just wake up one day and decide that you’re not going to be intimate for an extended period of time without the other’s consent. For Paul, consent is about consenting to stop, not just consenting to start. And even then he lists a specific reason why you should abstain – to give yourselves over to prayer. I don’t think Paul is necessarily saying that prayer is the only reason you should abstain. I think he’s communicating that this is not a decision that you can make without the consent of your spouse nor is it one you should make lightly.

So here I was, really tired and hormonal and exhausted from taking care of tiny human beings that have absolutely zero care that they are crossing all kinds of boundaries, and my husband was standing off to the side kind of waiting for me to remember that he still existed.

I began to wrestle with feelings of entitlement toward my body and began to resent my children and husband for needing my body so much.  Unfortunately, my husband was often my “emotional punching bag” during these moments of resentment. And remember, this is coming from the same woman who had trouble keeping her hands off of him before we got married. You can imagine his confusion.

I was confused as well. I had little idea how to voice what I was feeling. I had never before felt like my body was being used in a way that I did not want it to be. Pregnancy – a beautiful experience, definitely – is completely invasive. To put it simply, I was not prepared for how much ownership of my body that I would have to sign over. I reacted by becoming incredibly possessive of the meager moments in which no one was attached to me.

I was caught between that verse in Corinthians and the many days that I wanted to go half an hour without anyone needing my body – as a source of nourishment, comfort, physical intimacy, or even just my presence.

Truthfully, we both carry a few scars from the past few years of our marriage. I would say that we both were guilty of demanding our physical needs be met by the other in a way that wasn’t fair to the other.

Christians will tell you it is much easier to give of yourself when what you’re giving is being honored and seen as the gift that it is. But I would add that it’s impossible to give anything if it’s not really yours to give.

Many conversation with my husband later, I realized I had not been honoring my husband’s physical sacrifice either. The many date nights, the times he would sit next to me and listen to me vent, the times he would take the kids and let me escape – all of these things I had treated as an expectation rather than a gift. We were both assuming ownership in places we needed to practice, again, asking for permission, rather than trampling in assuming dominance.  Since talking about this topic in our marriage, we have asked each other’s forgiveness and seen a lot of healing.

Regardless of your interpretation of husband/wife roles in the hot-button Ephesians 5 passage – one thing is clear – Paul is asking husbands and wives to honor & value each other. I don’t believe Paul intended husbands or wives to feel used.

What’s more, I don’t believe Jesus did either. If we look to how Christ went about sacrificing His physical person (and aren’t we fortunate that of all the behaviors we can look to Christ for, this one is kind of His trademark) it was done so willingly. (John 10:18). Jesus never gave in for fear of not looking good, or disappointing the Pharisees or even his disciples. Even at his death, Jesus was not manipulated, badgered, or coerced into giving his body for us.

Having kids has made me realize that the conversation about consent – consent before marriage and consent after marriage – is worth having.

Are we, as a Church, providing safe places for women and men to have these conversations? To ask the hard questions?

Questions like

Are we teaching that sexual intimacy is always a gift, never an expectation, especially after marriage?
How can we make the transition more smooth from going from a more restricted physical relationship before marriage (where one might have even needed to put the brakes on a moment of physical intimacy with their future spouse) to one that has much more freedom after marriage?
How can I tell my spouse that what they’re asking me to do makes me uncomfortable without shaming them or making them feel unloved?
How can I tell my spouse that I would like them to engage more emotionally in physical intimacy without making them feel like what they’re doing isn’t good enough?
How can I ask my spouse for something in the physical intimacy department while also communicating an appreciation for what they already give me?
How can I tell my spouse, “Not tonight, babe,” in a way that is life-giving? How do I respond when my spouse tells me, “Not tonight, babe,” in a way that is life-giving?

I believe it would be good for us to help men and women know what it looks like to be self-giving with their bodies in a way that is right and good and healthy before and after marriage.

The times that I’ve engaged in physical intimacy when I wasn’t ready and didn’t speak up out of a guilt-based sense of obligation or an insecurity have often brought resentment and broken trust (even though my husband never demanded or forced me at any time, it still broke my trust). The times in marriage that I’ve engaged in physical intimacy, even when I don’t feel like it, from a place of self-giving or wanting to love my husband often bring wholeness and greater trust between us. Unspoken resistance kills intimacy, willing nakedness fosters it.

I believe the church should be one of the most active voices in the conversation about consent. It would be a powerful witness if a generation of women & men were raised up that understood what it meant to honor each other’s physical bodies before marriage, so that they could understand the deep beauty of honoring each other’s bodies after marriage.

~~~

Christina is a disciple of Jesus, the wife of a philosopher, mom to Zeke & Evie. She likes her theology like she likes her coffee: strong, but with a lot of cream & sugar to make it palatable. She works in campus ministry and spends her days helping college students understand that life is hard, but Jesus is good. Follow her blog at Mrs. Kroeger.

Photo credit: Google images

Good Self Care For the Holidays

If there’s one person who gets left out of the goodness of the holidays, it’s usually you. You get trampled with the demands for the perfect holiday season.

The trampling gets done, more often than not, by none other than YOU, which involves a crazy making dance where you step on yourself. See Brene Brown’s example of alienating her family to post her Christmas cards.

January 1, 2015 will arrive and we won’t end up fresher or more ourselves for the next year because we’re smeared with all this toil (my compliments to Gerard Manley Hopkins for this phrase). And since our bodies and souls are interwoven into one piece of burlap we call “human” if our bodies suffer so do our souls.  As James Bryan Smith writes “This is not a reliable pattern for transformation.” And as I say, “Stop expecting so much out of yourself. You’re not merely human, you’re entirely human, which means you’ve got some beautiful laws you must follow, that is, if you want to be fully human.”

Christmas is about caring for others, yes. But Jesus also came to elevate the stuff you call humanity. He didn’t come to make us punish ourselves further (As if being born broken wasn’t punishment enough?!)  So, let me ask you a question that often gets forgetten during all the holiday cheer.

Are you taking care of yourself? I don’t just mean reading an Advent devotional and giving to the food bank. Here are nine brief suggestions for taking care of your body. For we cannot expect much soul growth this season unless we treat our body as if it mattered. And if you do, I promise you there will be more beauty, more presence in what you bring to those you love.

Men and women practice these nine areas, though in different ways. And as we do, we learn more about ourselves and what we bring to every person we meet.

Healthy Diet  –  I know I’m stressed out when I pound a lot of chocolate while standing up.  Or if I simply forget food. It’s so busy in December! When I eat gobs of strange and not exactly satisfying combinations, it’s a sure sign I’m eating for stimulation, not for pleasure.  Last night, I did some self-care by making dinner for S and H, dear friends who came over to celebrate the sorrow of life with us. I made a new guacamole dish and some mint infused fruit salad for dessert.  We also had some special sauce over the roasted cauliflower and leftover Thanksgiving turkey. Here are the pictures which, when I look at them even a day later, make me feel glad I took the time.

Exercise  – I prefer practicing this one in the walking mode up the terribly steep roads in our neighborhood, with Dale at my side, hashing out a new thought, oh, and the two corgis running at our heels. We walk twice a week after lunch. If we’re lucky three times. And if we’re really lucky we get out to ski for a few hours.  Other good exercise for me: dancing with my son, scrubbing porcelain around the house (yes, that’s a euphemism for cleaning toilets), dusting under things, snowshoeing.

Sleep - In the words of James Bryan Smith, “The number one enemy of Christian spiritual formation today is exhaustion.” I used to be good at avoiding exhaustion, but my son changed all that. Lately, the whirl in my head or if I’ve skimped on exercise leaves me unable to lay down and stop checking stuff (email, chores, duties). I’ve noticed I tend to skimp the seven hours like it’s a game. I tend to go to bed too late. Anyone else in that boat? I want to practice more calming nighttime routines. To treat my body as if sleep mattered as much to me as it does to my four-year old. I cannot imagine treating my son’s sleep as flippantly as I treat my own.  My husband has begun reading outloud to me again. That’s very calming to me. I also like reading a short poem before bed. Another must is skipping any chocolate after 6pm as that tends to keep me awake. Since God designed us to spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping there’s a tremendous humility in bowing to this rule.

Work – As Mary Oliver wrote “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mothers, this is where you ask, does child-care make me come alive? If so, what aspect of child-care? If you write, or run a business, or juggle many roles, this is the part of self care where you notice where your sweet spot is.  For many of us, it isn’t until our thirties or forties that we can say “Now I become myself. I’m done with this mask that belongs to my mom or my friend or my husband.” What work in your life best shows you acting as yourself? This is something you must do every few days, at least.

Play – It’s not just throwing a ball or a board game.  It’s what Jesus did when he turned water into wine. It’s what God did when he made the hippopotamus. It’s what I do when I try to capture the movement of a lake trout in one swish of my brush. Play can be almost anything as long as it includes these six essential ingredients: Apparently purposeless (done for it’s own sake), opt-in (voluntary), inherently attractive (yes, please!), freedom from time (you’re kidding, it’s already 5 pm?), diminished consciousness of self (I stopped thinking about my appearance or how I was coming across), improvisational potential (what if we tried it like this instead?), continuation desire (when can we do this AGAIN?).  For more see my post from this summer Plays Well With Others.

Fashion – What you slop on, or carefully iron and slip on indicates how you are caring for your body.  You can wear PJs and hair in a bun but still wash your face and notice how you feel in those PJs and that hair clip.  The decisions you make about your clothing identifies you with a tribe, an age bracket, a marital status and a sexual identity. You say things, you bear communication about what you think about your curly hair and your freckles by how you wear them. And your noticing what you’re putting on, how it feels against your skin, how it makes you feel, is part of caring for yourself. It’s also a kind thing to do for those who look at your every day. For more ideas see my post What to Wear for the Holidays.

Haircut – Crazy, I know. But this is a way we care for ourselves, we make time to trim and grow, dye or buzz cut. This involves being touched, noticing ourselves, smiling back at ourselves in the salon or barbershop mirror.  My friend E, who does hair for a living, can tell more about a person’s self-care, self- love or self-loathing, by how her clients look at their image staring back at them.

Manicure – No, you don’t have to get a manicure to prove you do self-care. But trimming those snags on your nails rather than nibbling them off is part of caring for your appendages. Pedicures and painting the colors of your mood onto your toes actually proves something about the way you tend to the personality of your hands and feet. These ends of our bodies personalize us to those we love as much as our faces.

Massage – You don’t have to book a massage to get one.  You can ask your partner to work out a knot on your neck. You can buy a roller and melt your sore muscles over its sphere. And, you can treat your body to someone else’s expertise to massage the pain away. That is, to me, the best Christmas present to myself I can buy.

Which one do you tend to overlook? Which one comes easy to you? I particularly would like to hear more from those who feel skin or touch deprived. Which of these are most meaningful to you?

For more on self-care see these posts from RubySlippers 2014:

Taking Care of Myself

Is it Okay to Love Myself?

Fully Human Christmas Cards

The Craft family have kindly provided permission for me to share their Christmas card with you as long as I make them look good.

Let’s all be honest, for Christians, Christmas cards are one of the places we stoop to vanity. Even Christians tend to try to make ourselves appear better than we are, to highlight our family and forget all those limited, overwhelmed, crazy, drop-to-our-knees defeated kind of moments we’ve had in 2014 (which we have all had).

And Christmas cards lists (the long list of friends who will receive our picture perfect cards) tend to forget those people who aren’t like us, in other words, the single, widowed, divorced or celibate Christians. Even worse, most of our Christmas card lists prove how isolated we are from Christians different from us. For let me ask you, how many singles are on your Christmas card list? how many overseas missionaries? gay couples? widowers or divorced men and women? how many Christians of different traditions or different ethnicities get your Christmas card? We’ve been hearing so much about how the Ferguson decision is keeping black and white communities farther apart. But friendships mean we do simple, small things to build a bridge of love between us. Yes, even send a card.

But we usually just send out “perfect” cards to “perfect” lists.

In other words, we don’t want our Christmas, Hanukkah, St. Lucia, Three Kings Day, Advent or Kwanzaa cards to be fully human. We only want the shiny, sparkly side to show for this very glossy (or matte) finish of our 2014 year. We all love to look beautifully functional, even if we’re dysfunction junction inside (which we all are).

Last year, the Crafts family sent us their yearly Christmas card. But instead of one version of their 2013 events, they included a second version.  And in so doing, the Craft family gave an ideal example of being non-ideal.

Before I share with you what was so fully human about their Christmas card, I’d like to introduce the Crafts family.  Growing up, I was best friends with Christa’s younger sister, A in grade and high school.  Christa is actually the primary reason I went to UVA as A and I visited her our junior year.  Here’s what Christa’s family now looks like.

Photogenic, wouldn’t you agree?  And as any lovely, large family how could they avoid the temptation to boast about their busyness or cuteness or photogenic-ness?

So, true to form, let me share the text from the first card from the Craft Family. Please note how typical the first version sounds.

~~~card one~~~

Yosemite

We hiked, we camped, we fished, we rode bikes and we could have easily gone another week without showering. It was a spectacular trip and due to its success, we are now contemplating hiking the John Muir trail together next summer.

Wyatt Starts School

After a few minutes of tears, Wyatt let go of Mommy and strutted into school like he owned the place. Three months later he does in fact own the place. With the confidence only a fifth child can understand, he is taking “the cool kid” to a whole new level.

The Sporting Life

With Bridget’s first soccer trophy firmly in hand, we are now the proud parents of four multi-talented soccer, soccer referees, basketball,volleyball, tennis, golf, equestrian and lawn-bowling children. We love setting the alarm clock every Saturday morning to get to a field at sunrise and leave at sunset. It’s a dream come true.

Peter Pan

Five of the seven Crafts took to the stage for a community theatre production of Peter Pan. What joy to see our family transform into a Wendy, Michael, Lost Boys and a pirate along with a Mrs. Darling. The remaining two were faithful audience members during the 5 weekends of performances. How we wish they would “never grow up!”

Weekend Fun

Since it’s so easy to load us all up in the car, pack a lunch of healthy food, and spend a day of family fun, it is hard to list all of our many day trips around beautiful Southern California. One ordinary trip was a family day at Knott’s Berry Farm to celebrate Audrey’s birthday one month late. We all learned so much about each other based on what rides we each enjoyed. Practicing the art of encouragement, comfort, positive motivation, applauding bravery was the major theme of this trip.

William’s 10th Birthday Trip

Sean and William got to take the trip of a lifetime to Portland & Sunriver, Oregon. Dad introduced William to the bachelor life (TV trays, sleeping in, ESPN 24 x 7, cards, golf, fly-fishing) and William reminded Dad just how lucky he is to be his Dad.

Day in the Life

Well, 5 kids, 2 dogs, 3 lizards, 1 tarantula, and now 8 goldfish (thanks to Claire’s science project) is a lot to handle, but this year has brought so much joy, peace, and amazing organization that we can’t complain. The house is full of children singing around the piano, reading classic literature, discussing philosophy next to the fireplace, and kids literally jumping at the chance to clear the dinner table, that we recognize how blessed and grateful our life truly has become. Please feel free to stop by anytime for a long chat, a cup of tea or the warm homemade bread or freshly baked cookies Christa may be pulling out of the oven on any given afternoon. We really love you all and are grateful to have such an amazing collection of friends and family. Although we don’t get to spend enough time with you, we think of and pray for you often!

~~~ end of card one ~~~

I glanced at the second card and thought, Geez, more about this perfect family?! But the top line drew me in “Insert family picture here”.

Ah HA! I thought, a mistake. Curious I went on to read . . .

~~~card two~~~

There are at least two versions to every story, two sides to every tale, and even two different perspectives on the same event. The first card presents our year as if it were a Facebook post…..honest and sincere, but vainly cleansed. Here is the card we would never post on social media….

Yosemite

No showers for 7 days. We all slept in the same 2×2 tent. We love using flashlights in the middle of the night for endless trips to the outhouse with a potty training child. We love packing and unpacking. And laundry. And the 2 months it took to put everything away.

Wyatt Starts School

Wyatt is not going to graduate from pre-school. He has a rap sheet that already includes biting, kicking,

pushing, throwing sand, pinching and the best of all, kissing girls. He’s quick to point out though that he has not yet “punched anyone.” We are so proud.

The Sporting Life

Many of our experiences related to our children’s events are third hand accounts. It is true, we “hear” they are doing great, but seeing that firsthand is nearly impossible. We missed entire games due to bathroom trips, looking for lost children, and feeding starving kids since their last snack was 30 minutes before. Lazy Saturday Mornings, we will look forward to meeting again in 2030.

Peter Pan

Christa left the role of stage mom and turned into an aspiring character and chorus actress, much to Sean’s enjoyment and fear. Bridget truly enjoyed having her mom onstage since that freed up her abilities to “entertain” backstage…much to her sibling’s horror. “Bridget was here” made it onto the theatre bathroom wall, luckily in pencil, but that statement proved true.

We hope she “grows up?”

Weekend Fun

Audrey is our adrenaline junkie and wanted a day full of crazy roller coasters. Crazy roller coasters have a 54” height requirement. Audrey is 51”tall. Parents should check the height requirement before telling the birthday girl about all the fun crazy roller coasters. Tip #1 – boots with 3 inch heels. Tip #2 – threatening dog poop clean up to force taller kids to ride crazy roller coasters ends in tears not laughter for taller kids AND shorter kids who are not allowed to ride.

William’s 10th Birthday Trip

Again the trip was spectacular, but William and Dad both are still paying for this one after blowing through budgets and making a few too many comments along the lines of “best trip ever.”

Day in the Life

Why in the world did we think adding 14 pets into our house is a good idea? And that is not mentioning the need for ordering 500 crickets from Fed Ex because it’s too hard to get to the pet store regularly. If we hear our kids singing “What the Fox Say” one more time, the fox will soon become extinct. Our oven is used often for food that requires removing cellophane and has disposable trays, so feel free to stop by anytime for Costco’s finest. In all seriousness, there is a lot of joy woven in the chaos and if we aren’t yelling, we are probably laughing. So stop by any time and if we have tea or some leftover packaged cookies, they are all yours. We promise. We like you. Just call first…..

Merry Christmas from the Crafts Family!

~~~end of card two~~~

When I complimented Christa on her Christmas card/s she informed me that Sean, father of this family, is always the Christmas card scribe and this year is feeling the pressure to come up with an even better card. Good luck to you Sean!

In case you’re like me and inspired by the Crafts’ family honesty, but not sure you can duplicate it, I have four suggestions:

Send a simpler card this with a few highlights of the year. Include one humdinger honest one, like “Jonalyn and Dale started marriage counseling to improve their relationship. They’re learning a lot!” See who comments, who congratulates and who makes not a sound.
Send a picture that isn’t quite so perfect, like where you’re (the sender of the cards) don’t look as good as someone else, or a non-professional photographer snapshot.
Take inventory on who receives your card.  Is there a family, a divorcee, a missionary, a widower, a single person, a gay couple who doesn’t send Christmas cards to you, but with whom you’d like to share? Send a card even though you know you might not get one in return!
Skip Christmas cards this year so you can enjoy the family a little more, you know, the one you love to brag about.

For other ideas, see = below where I hope to hear from those of you who have ideas on how to include those different from us, those who don’t look ideal to our often cramped ideas of what ideal Christianity is supposed to look like. How can we include those who are single, widowed, celibate, divorced, any other ethnicity or religion than our own friends WITHIN our holiday season?

Why I Have Guy Friends

It was my closest guy friend who encouraged me to speak at Biola’s 2012 Torrey Conference. Biola University had invited both of us. I had wanted him to speak. But Dale Fincher thought this was my hour.

So I left my two-year-old son, flew out for a little over 24 hours of speaking in Anaheim, California and gave the address that knocked me back on my heels with the response, the address that continues to land me in trouble, the address that the Biola student body responded to by packing out their auditorium and keeping me signing books with a two-hour line. I will never forget that night.

Few people know that I almost didn’t make that speaking engagement, that Dale insisted that I speak instead of him. Dale, once again, stepped into the shadows so I could have the spotlight.

He’s been doing that for over 13 years.

From the first days when Dale and I were just noticing one another (at the time he was dating someone else) I knew that here was a man who insisted I bring all of myself to the table. I couldn’t hold myself back to impress him, he wanted all of me.  When we painted his room together (as friends), I could tell that all my cleverness was matched in his own.  Even at my best, I could not intimidate him. And dang, that was attractive: to know the man across the table wanted me at my best self.

Well, it simply made me want to be with him all the time. I knew that I would always regret letting him go.

Dale and I married in 2002, barely a year after my broken engagement. That story has been told already (also at a Biola chapel) in “God Wants the Broken.” The first few years we faced his mother’s death, his grandfather’s death, three new jobs and two major moves. These were our first years of marriage. We started Soulation, we moved to Colorado. It took us almost a decade to have our son. And I look back and realize that our marriage has been a lot more fun because even after those changes, we still like being together.

We are still friends.

When I talk about my ‘guy friends’ Dale often teases me that he never counts as one of the “guy friends” in my life. The husband a friend is either assumed or ignored.

Dale is my closest confidante, my first confessor when I started to spiral into lust, the person I went to first when I lost our first baby, the person I cried with first when I realized I was pregnant again. Dale has also been the first to read my manuscripts, to edit my talks, to suggest another way to approach a tricky question during a Q&A session. He’s the man I go shopping with, the man I want to get advice from, my first choice for an evening on the town, and the best dancing partner. He’s the quickest to take my words to heart, the most willing to try again and give me a “do over.” And he’s also the best at exasperating me while teasing me about my exasperation.

More than anyone else, Dale has cultivated my expectations for the other men I choose to be my guy friends.

Christopher Robin, A. A. Milne’s immortal childhood hero, once said, “Friends help you to be more of who you are.”  That is my test for the men I befriend.

My guy friends grow along with me, they ask questions that make me notice more than I can on my own.  Last month over lunch, J asked me, “Do you feel exhausted by everything you’ve done this morning?” A question that was so simple and true that it stopped me in my tracks because I realized that he expected an honest answer.

Good friends, of the same and opposite sex do not want entertainment or captivation. Good friends will be available when you call. Good friends will think of you even when you’re out of sight and out of mind. Good friends will want to be present when you’re in trouble, sick, sad, and even depressed. Good friends want you for more than the zing and zip of good times.

Friends help you to be more of who you are, whether you’re married to your best friend or not, my guy friends have made me more Jonalyn. But do they have to be GUYS? you might be asking. Yes! That can make a major difference in how we grow. Not convinced? Watch this.

If reading in email, watch here.

I want to suggest that friendship may be the primary tool God uses to make us more ourselves.  And cross-sex friendships are part of that journey. Opposite sex friendship can bloom in a family among siblings (Paul’s inspiration for calling us “brothers and sister” in the church), it can happen between husband and wife, or between co-workers.

Getting Controversial

And to put your feet to the fire, I do not believe you can claim to truly believe in equality between men and women in the world or church or home and fail to work toward opposite sex friends.  I would challenge a person (be they egalitarian or complementarian) to prove their belief in equality of men and women by befriending someone of the opposite sex. I would doubt that a marriage really is strong and growing if it fails to acknowledge and live into the purpose of male/female friendships. For how can we claim to treat others as brothers and sisters if we cannot even befriend someone we actually enjoy who happens to be the opposite sex?

In fact, I have noted that our American Christian tendency to avoid and hold in suspicion cross-sex friendships is almost always a sign of weakness, our own, our Freudian obsessed culture, and our fear that any desire or attraction is immediate suspect. As Biola student, Conrad Frommelt writes in his recent Chimes article Friendship, Not Sex, “Much of our hesitancy to create opposite gender friendships stems from a fearful view of our ability to control our sexuality.” We are capable of more interesting interactions than just procreation with the opposite sex.

To prove my point, here are several more clips from my conversation with Biola communications professor, Dr. Tim Muehlhoff. Watch whichever sound interesting to you. Comment at will below.

In this 8 minute video, Dr. Muehlhoff says what I call weakness is actually good discernment. I maintain that this discernment is a result of perceived or real weakness in the couple, either the strength of their bond, or their own willingness to grow.  I have seen so many Christians (supposedly mature and strong) assume suspicion in any spouse who wants a friend outside of their marriage. I have yet to hear a reason to avoid having a cross- sex friend that sounds like health.

If reading in email, watch here.

What I have found is that the richer, the more trusting a marriage, the more willing both spouses are to allow their mate to cultivate external opposite sex friendships.  And here is where I directly challenge Tim to consider more freedom for his wife and himself in his own life.

If reading in email, watch here.

~~~

To answer those who want to know “Why do you need one-on-one time with a guy if you’re so happy in your marriage?” a 3 minute clip where Tim asks me this very question.

For those reading in email, watch here.

~~~

And a final 4 minute clip where I explain the permission to enjoy touch between men and women. Yes, I really do mean “enjoy.”

If reading in email, watch here.

~~~

To hear more of how Tim and I agree and disagree (including how much we should challenge the church in this area) you can listen to our entire interview at iTunes (maybe while you’re cooking up Thanksgiving dinner!). To follow Tim on Twitter, @DRMuehlhoff. Check out Tim’s newest book I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love.

As a bonus, a mini-interview on why Tim wrote his most recent book.

Harry and Sally Are Wrong Two Years Later

It’s been two years since I spoke at Biola University’s Torrey Conference on how “Harry and Sally Are Wrong: Why Christian Cross-Sex Friendships Need to Happen“.  It may seem like old news, but just last week Biola’s newspaper The Chimes published an article entreating Biolans to remember the “Harry and Sally” talk calling it “the most helpful and intelligent session I have attended at a conference, ever.” Opinion editor, Conrad Frommelt, urged his fellow students to move beyond the romance-only scripts and consider friendships with the opposite sex (“Friendship, Not Marriage“). But, for all the encouragement, the “Harry and Sally” talk has also earned me the most grief.

In the last two years, I’ve seen friendships with guy friends fizzle, I’ve watched girlfriends or wives doubt my intentions. I’ve seen my own endurance lag as I’ve grieved the friends I’ve lost and wondered “Is this brother/sister thing Jesus talks about even possible this side of heaven?”

But I’ve also seen new male friends step up to the plate, A in Hawai’i, J in Las Vegas, and J here in Steamboat. These amazing guys who aren’t embarrassed of me, or worried their wives will discover we are close. These friends who initiate connection, who teach me new things about myself, friends who (if they’re married) have wives who personally know, trust and welcome my love. I’ve watched men I’d never expect take the challenge and the ridicule stand up to be my equal in friendship.

Just a few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a guy friend in my small town, the owner of the restaurant came over and, as he knows both of us, started teasing, “Oh, the rumor mill is going to be going over you two.”

My friend, J and I just smiled tolerantly. When he left, I muttered, “THAT is precisely why friendship between men and women is so difficult.”

We do still need to revisit the ideas and the challenge of men befriending women, women befriending men.  I need you, my community online, to be with me in celebrating the possibility of male/female friendship. To take up the challenges that face men and women, I’ve invited Dr. Tim Muehlhoff, communications professor at Biola University and recent co-author of I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love to delve into the difficulties.

A man and a woman, both speakers, both passionate about Jesus and the kingdom of God, talking about the possibility of men and women being friends. We spent over an hour and a half talking about the dangers and necessity of cross-sex friendship. I wanted to share four short clips from that conversation. Feel free to click on whichever sound interesting to you.

I had heard through the grapevine, that Dr. Muehlhoff wasn’t a fan of my “Harry and Sally” talk, that perhaps he thought me naive or even fool-hardy to hold the view that men and women could be close or best friends. In the opening moments, Tim revealed something that instantly endeared me to him. He hadn’t even watched my talk until right before this conversation.  In this 5 minutes clip, Tim explains what happened.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

~~~

A 3 minute clip where Tim spills that he actually has some very close female friends.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

~~~

For the singles in my audience, here is a 3 minute clip touching on why I deeply appreciate friendship with single males.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

~~~

Finally, Tim challenges me to consider that male/female friendships could be more about fantasizing about a better spouse, while marriage can offer more intimate friendship. I challenge him back.

If reading in email, watch the video here. 

One of the final points that I would have liked to bring up in this last video “Who Knows You?” would have been that I’m tempted to doubt how well we can edit ourselves. We like to think we have that much control. But none of us, Tim Muehlhoff and myself included, are quite as good at hiding our backstage as we think we are.  Even when I’m on stage delivering the Harry and Sally talk, or even during this interview, my real self and Tim’s real self is leaking out. We are often unknowingly sharing our backstage selves in our front stage performances. So even during our best-dressed appearances, people can see through us, and good friends even more so. Our closest friends often know us better and more thoroughly than we might imagine.

To hear more of how Tim and I may agree and disagree you can listen to our entire hour and a half interview at iTunes today. To follow Tim on Twitter, @DRMuehlhoff. Check out Tim’s book I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love.

Next week, for Thanksgiving, I’ll be sharing my thankfulness for the men I call my friends and why I still see refusing male/female friendships as a weakness.