Jonalyn Fincher's Blog, page 3

Sex with the Lights On: A Spiritual Discipline?

They knew life was precious, and love–you just don’t turn it away.

For ten years at Soulation, we’ve worked to clarify the western Church view of spiritual discipline. Contemplative prayer, reading Scripture and observing the Sabbath are just a few ways followers of Jesus have always connected with God. But did you know that your romance, your arguments, and the intimidating places of your sex life, present a whole new area for spiritual discipline and growth?

Listen to Dr. Sellers explain how opening up to risk will deepen love and our knowledge of God.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

We have three weeks left of our summer of sexuality. Next week, come back to hear from Dr. Sellers on why therapy matters.

Let’s Discuss: Risk isn’t just for romantic relationships. Can you remember one time that you didn’t let fear hold you back in any relationship or conversation? What happened?

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Summer of Sexuality Series:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

Click here for when women initiate sex.

Click here for what’s allowed in Christian bedrooms.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

What’s Allowed in Christian Bedrooms?

“Right behavior in and of itself does not assure love, honor, or grace.”

When you want to do something out of your typical sexual pattern, do you ever worry God won’t approve? If yes, you may be hearing voices of thousands of years of “Christian purity code.” This week, we’re talking about rules and stigmas in the Church far earlier than “True Love Waits” or conservative courtship regulations (check out this week’s MyFaithHurdle on infidelity and Josh Duggar).

Dr. Sellers reminds us of how the fruit of the Spirit builds sex lives free from fear. We don’t have to experiment always looking over our shoulder afraid that we’re shocking God. For more on this, see Jesus’ Sexual Ethic.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Don’t forget to visit our new store. We’ve spent this summer stocking up to keep you thinking and loving well. Single readers might like to hear Dale and I talk about dating for egalitarians. If you want to go from dis-enchantment to re-enchantment with your spouse, listen to our couples retreat, “Get a Room.” Your purchases keep our doors open as we operate on a tiny budget (with less than 15 monthly donors of $100 or more)!

We have only four weeks left of our summer of sexuality. Stay tuned next week for “Facing the Risk of Eroticism,” where Dr. Sellers says, “When loving gets hard, we are invited to learn something more about loving.”

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

Click here for when women initiate sex.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

When Women Initiate Sex

Ladies: How does your spouse react when you take the lead sexually?

Men tend to not publicly complain about their wives initiating sex. But, in private, they often do.  Not every man’s sex drive matches his wife’s. And not every man want sex all the time, if he does something else is most likely going on, something that’s more about what sex symbolizes to him, or his emotional healing.

Being the first to hint that you want sex can be intimidating, just to admit to yourself. Maybe you want to do something new in bed, or wonder how it would change things up if you are first to express interest in his body. But if you’re afraid you’ll get that “deer-in-the-headlights” reaction, or you find him telling you that’s not your role (or worse, you get laughed at!), try Dr. Sellers’ conversational approach. It starts with questions. Asking about someone’s experience is a simple way to kickstart on a scary topic–whether you’re talking eroticism or evangelism (for more on the latter see Coffee Shop Conversations)!

One of Dr. Sellers’ favorite books to help you start your own conversations on sexual desire is The Heart of Desire (linked here through our Soulation Amazon Smile affiliate–we appreciate your support!)

And if you’re not afraid to initiate sex, steamy conversations, or new experiences, good for you (and your spouse)! In the comments, would you share with us what gave you that kind of courage?

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Let’s Discuss!

Many of my readers (like myself) came from complementarian backgrounds (where men and women are supposed to live within God-given different roles) but now identify as egalitarians or feminists (where men and women divide roles based on gifts, not gender). If you’ve had experience in either background, do you find either complementarians or egalitarians more or less comfortable with women initiating sex? In my experience it seems that complementarians want women to follow in every area except this one (Mark Driscoll’s marriage book comes to mind here). What have you found? Do you think a woman who can lead in making love is intimidating or admirable? (Questions are for men and women).

And I’m curious to hear from male readers–do you ever find it intimidating to initiate sex? Do you feel more pressure to initiate? Are you ever surprised when you hear about or experience a woman being the sexual leader?

For more on curiosity and coming home to your sexuality, watch earlier segments from our interview:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

Why is My Sex Drive Changing?

Our sex drive is tied to our playfulness.

Relationships can get complicated when one partner wants sex more than another. And what about all the seasons of life that surprisingly affect desire? This week, Dr. Sellers gives both practical cues about when your sex drive might tank (for both genders) and perspective on why desire grows for some and wanes for others.

And watch next week for Dr. Sellers’ answer to “What happens when women initiate sex?” I think you’ll like what she has to say, especially if you’re in a marriage of two noticeably different sex drives.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

If Dr. Sellers’ advice brings you to an “ah-ha!” moment, don’t miss these related videos, especially those I’ve bolded:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

 

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

 

Why Sexual and Spiritual Abuse Go Together

If you’ve lived in shame from spiritual abuse you know how an abuser cuts off your intuition and free will. Below, Dr. Sellars explains, in under 5 minutes, how spiritual abusers and sexual abusers use similar tactics. Both tear apart the body/soul relationship, both distance the victim from the way God intends us to live whole and free.

Listen to Dr. Sellers explain why one type of abuse may perpetuate another. She also explains a self-medicating tendency of some abuse victims who unknowingly become abusers as they try to untangle what happened in their past. This is one of my favorite videos.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

If, as a single person, you want more on how to heal from spiritual or sexual abuse, browse Why 30-Year-Old Virgins are Not Sexless, Taking Sexual Hunger Seriously, and my earlier interview with Dr. Sellers (see the first few minutes).

Did this video make any connections for you that you’d like to discuss. Feel free to comment below. Anonymous comments welcome.

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

 

How Does Shame Get in the Way of Pleasure?

“How does shame get in the way of us enjoying our bodies? Not just between lovers, but in all relationships?”

This week, Dr. Sellers gives common scenarios to help us identify how we let shame steal the joy of our bodies and life–even with all their imperfections. These mindsets apply to anyone who had spent time in a shame-based culture, whether married or not. 

If you’re wondering if you have ever spent time in a shame based culture, think through this brief list of questions (skip to minute 43, where Dale shares Brené Brown’s list–I’m thrilled that his interview with The Outsiders has already garnered 700 downloads). 

Thanks to Jessica for her comment asking about how unmarried and uncoupled “purity culture kids” can heal from sexual rigidity and shame-based churches. 

In addition to this week on shame, the video I’ll share next week includes ways sexual abuse and spiritual abuse are linked–and what healing from both will require of us. I appreciate Jessica raising her question to inspire these two weeks of videos.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Let’s discuss: What’s one area of imperfection you hesitate to let anyone see?  Do you think that if you exposed this area, even to one close friend, you would find healing from shame? Feel free to comment anonymously. For me, it’s the area of anxiety revolving around having company. I just don’t feel like I should have such a hard time inviting people into my home. But, I do.

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

 

Shutting Down Shame in Marriage

“Instead of getting defensive and blowing up, realize that he or she has just been very brave.”

Building on last week (Jesus’ sexual ethic is to see, know, love, connect), let’s listen to Dr. Tina on a typical barrier to connection in marriage (and all relationships). Whether in a passing comment or a heated argument, it’s easy to throw words out–often easily misunderstood words. Today’s ideas on how to de-escalate and fully understand what our lovers want us to hear can help beyond our marriage. These are the keys to any relationship.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Let’s discuss: Recall the first time (if ever) you spoke up about how a statement felt like an attack to you. How did it go? Did you find that the other person intended to communicate what you heard?

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

What is Jesus’ Sexual Ethic?

“We have what we need to develop a sexual ethic [from Jesus’ words]. But it’s not going to be based on behavior.”

Jesus didn’t leave us with a how-to handbook or to-do list for our sex lives. Thankfully, he offers something better: an overarching joy in human connection. Dr. Sellers explains how we can take this “rule” of connection and boil it down to specific ways to increase satisfaction in bed with our partners.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Let’s discuss: Is there an area of sexuality you wish Jesus had given more specific instruction?

Click here for week one on being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for week two on abuse recovery.

Click here for week three on purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for week four on honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for week five on duty sex.

Click here for week six on male and female sex drives.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

Male and Female Sex Drives

Does science back up the idea that men are primarily stimulated by sight, and women by touch? Dr. Sellers’ answer shows where female and male brains tend to match and diverge and includes a surprising statistic about the female sex-drive.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Something to discuss, do you think men have the feminine image of God and women the masculine image of God?

Special Update on Dr. Sellers’ Retreats

“You can do workbook retreats forever. But if you do not touch each other, you will not know you can.” For more info on her Whistler Intimacy Retreat.

If reading via email, click here to hear Jonalyn ask Dr. Tina Sellers about her retreats.

Click here for week one on being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for week two on abuse recovery.

Click here for week three on purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for week four on honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for week five on duty sex.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

Does Duty Sex Belong in My Marriage?

“If you don’t feed him steak at home, he will go somewhere else for fast food.”

“You need to try to get in the mood, because your spouse needs you to meet physical needs.”

“Get in the mood!”

“Don’t tease him with foreplay if you’re not going to follow through.”

In today’s video with Dr. Tina Sellers (see note below on rare openings in her fall marriage retreat!), she shows how statements like these kill desire, connection, and pleasure–removing the whole point of sexual intimacy!

What do you hear in secular and church culture about “duty sex”? Think of therapists, talk show hosts, counselors, sermons, books, magazines. Do you agree in part that we need to hold ourselves to a certain frequency of sex, or do you reject these statements altogether? Let’s talk through your responses in the comments!

If reading via email, click here to watch.

Click here for week one on being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for week two on abuse recovery.

Click here for week three on purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for week four on honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

I will share a new video every week this summer! Watch the 2-5 minute videos that seem helpful to you, leave the rest.

Editor’s Note: I just received word from Dr. Tina that a couple of openings in her September Passion for Life Couple’s Intimacy Retreat in Whistler British Columbia Sept 24-27, 2015 JUST became available. Openings are rare. If anyone is interested in joining her and other couples committed to learning  more about sexual intimacy, check out the retreat information here.