Jonalyn Fincher's Blog, page 2

How “Marital Smugness” Hurts Single & Gay People (From my new book)

I’ve just finished a short book. Finding Words: An Unusual Evangelical View on the Gay Marriage Debate came out of the class I teach on “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian” (more on the class below).  Finding Words covers what I’ve learned over the last four years studying Scripture and interviewing several gay, lesbian and straight theologians. It’s one of the many biblical positions one can take on gay marriage. One thing that kept coming back to me was how both traditional and progressive Christians assume marriage is God’s ordained fix for all Christians.

We give lip service to singles being able to serve God uniquely, but by the way we huddle up in friendship groups, we don’t really value singles (gay or straight) all that well. 

Christians often have smugness built into our ideas of marriage. And we think it’s justified by the Bible. But, in our smugness I believe we’ve been infected by the world’s system.

An excerpt:

“Once wed, the mountaintop experience of marriage turns into a plateau where you can finally coast. Marriage means you’ve socially arrived. As longtime singles have told me about the transition, you’re no longer so needy, so lonely, so undetected. You’ve clearly been blessed by God: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Finally, marriage is visible proof that God is giving you the “desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

For married folks, our marital status becomes a smug place, a lofty perch from which we can criticize and rule the rest of the detached we call “singles.”

I go on to explain why I’m not satisfied with this glorification of marriage as the way to ensure justice for my gay friends.

Want to read the rest?  We’ll offer my book in our store every so often, so sign up for an email notification. Or you can read Finding Words by joining the Spring Independent class of “God, the bible and the Gay Christian.” 

Don’t want to wait? My position is just one of eight views I cover in my eCourse God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian. In this comprehensive class we look at the whole spectrum of Christian thought, from celibacy, to a changed orientation, to gay marriage, to building a family with a same-sex spouse. 

Take the self-paced class now. Register today (or let me know in the comments if you have a question!)

For more, read about the books, background interviews, and time that went into building this class at A Safe Place to Talk About Gay Marriage.

How “Marital Smugness” Hurts Single and Gay People (Excerpt from my new book)

I’ve just finished a short book. Finding Words: An Unusual Evangelical View on the Gay Marriage Debate came out of the class I teach on “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian” (more on the next class below).  Finding Words covers what I’ve learned over the last four years studying Scripture and interviewing several gay, lesbian and straight theologians. One thing that kept coming back to me was how both traditional and progressive Christians assume marriage is God’s ordained fix for all Christians.

We give lip service to singles being able to serve God uniquely, but by the way we huddle up in friendship groups, we don’t really value singles (gay or straight) all that well. 

Christians often have smugness built into our ideas of marriage. And we think it’s justified by the Bible. But, in our smugness I believe we’ve been infected by the world’s system.

An excerpt:

“Once wed, the mountaintop experience of marriage turns into a plateau where you can finally coast. Marriage means you’ve socially arrived. As longtime singles have told me about the transition, you’re no longer so needy, so lonely, so undetected. You’ve clearly been blessed by God: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Finally, marriage is visible proof that God is giving you the “desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

For married folks, our marital status becomes a smug place, a lofty perch from which we can criticize and rule the rest of the detached we call “singles.”

I go on to explain why I’m not satisfied with this glorification of marriage as the way to ensure justice for my gay friends.

Want to read the rest?  It’s a short book, you can read it in less than an hour. Download it for free today.

My position is one of eight views I cover in my eCourse God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian. In this comprehensive, community building class we look at the whole spectrum of Christian thought, from celibacy, to a changed orientation, to gay marriage, to building a family with a same-sex spouse. 

Class starts next week. Register today (or let me know in the comments if you have a question!)

For more, read about the books, background interviews, and time that went into building this class at A Safe Place to Talk About Gay Marriage. Hope to see you in class!

Privacy is Not a Sin

The most famous people have the worst things to say about fame.

Movie stars talk about privacy as if it’s an achievement. Actor Kate Winslet recently said, “No one really knows what has happened in my life. No one really knows why my first marriage didn’t last; no one knows why my second didn’t. And I’m proud of those silences.” (WSJ Magazine, October 2015).

I realize we’re not all “movie stars”  (a label Winslet despises) but we have all worked to develop a public persona, from the pictures we choose for our (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) profiles, to the stories we don’t tell.  We all get mini trips into fame when our Facebook pics and posts garner dozens of likes. And boy, it feels good, right? Our friends like us, they approve, we are beautiful, capable, strong, serene, popular.

Private Space

I remember when Dale and I were first married. I took some pictures of him while he was napping on the couch.  I showed him later the one I planned to post one online.

“That makes me uncomfortable,” Dale protested.

“Why? You’re so handsome!” I said.

“Those are private, intimate, vulnerable pictures,” my husband said.

Just because something happened in my home that is cute and adorable doesn’t mean it belongs online.

I would never take a picture of my husband in a hospital gurney, with tubes in his nose and IVs in his arms to put on Facebook. Not unless he asked me to do so. Again, too vulnerable and private.

Recently, I had a premature baby boy. While we asked for prayers on some social media outlets. But, we got less “hits”, less “likes” because no photos accompanied our requests.  And yet, when I had my son safely home, I’m glad I did not post my newborn son’s face on my wall. I protected him from peering eyes during his most vulnerable days.

And I protected myself from using my son for more popularity. It’s something I struggle with, using people to feel better about myself.

Not everyone struggles with this, of course. You may be one of my online friends who can post pics of your children without caring if the photo is popular or not. You may be immune to fame. Maybe you should be writing this post. Or you may have a vigilantly guarded list of Facebook friends. Creepers or strangers don’t keep showing up on your wall.

It wasn’t until my twenties that I learned there were firm rules of privacy and publicity. Some things should never be shared publicly no matter how life-changing, wonderful, powerful, or poignant. I’ve written earlier how blogging itself tends to make pimps of us all. We’re always scarfing up the meaningful moments with “Hmmm, I should write a post about that” and friends start sharing less with us wondering, as my close guy friend once did, “You’re not going to write about this conversation, are you?”

I have to work on regularly asking myself “What is appropriate to share publicly?” Lately, I’ve been working on a mission statement for social feeds, a way to rope off some solid ground in my private life. Before any statement goes online on my feeds must pass this test:

Is this something I have been learning?

Is it something I want to share publicly forever?

Because if this is something personal, private and special, then I do not want to post it.  Rather I will take extra time to share it with a few personal texts, a Voxer message, or (the vintage way!) printing these photos and mailing them to few special friends. More work, this one-on-one stuff, but I think privacy deserves a little attention. Because fame, the opposite of privacy, even in mini-doses is toxic. I’m not the only one who thinks that.

Adele in her recent interview in US Weekly said,

I’m frightened of fame destroying me and it ruining me, and me getting lost . . . and I get frightened for the people that I love, feeling like they’ve lost me. It’s a bit toxic, fame. I’ve got enough toxins in my body I don’t need any of that. (Dec 7, 2015).

Adele wears nondescript clothes, drives a Mini, and often eats at home (“I’m a brilliant cook” she says). If fame is a toxin and one that famous people have to avoid as best they can, how are the common folks like us keeping our distance from fame?

I’ve noticed that if I am silent online (as I was about my last pregnancy and birth) my friends get it, but not all my FB “Friends” understand. Why didn’t they know? They ask for his name, date of brith, what happened, details, pics, SHARE THEM!.

But is it right that they know? That is part of the work all parents must ask about the people who, for a season, belong to us.

People Who Belong to Us

Since the first year of my oldest son’s birth, I have been working toward the long-forgotten art of privacy. Since we live in a time when . . .

. . . if it’s not online, it didn’t happen . . .

. . . this is counter cultural work. I think it’s much harder to stay present online and practice privacy well, than it is to just shut down my Facebook account. I’ve wanted to pull the plug, often this last year. It’s easier to cut it out cold turkey than navigating this social network stuff, especially when it comes to our children.

Kids are one of the most meaningful places in all our lives, from parents to aunts and uncles, grandparents, sisters, cousins). Kids are by far typically cuter than most adults (Hate to admit it, but we are all getting less glossy by the minute), so of course we want to share their adorableness.

But, too easily, too often, we cross over from sharing their children’s lives to paparazzing their children’s lives.

How do you know which you’re doing?

Here is my test:

Would your child want this online when they are 15 or 25 or 55? If your answer is no, then don’t post it.

Of course, it’s difficult to know. Our kids may grow into becoming more private than we could imagine, or they might love that you posted that video of them going potty in their pants (it takes all kinds). We raise all types, right?!  And yet, I think this filter is worth considering.

It’s too easy in America, the land of image-obsession, to think of our children as display points, their cute sayings, their hilarious poses, their darling stages as material for OUR feed. But our children are not possessions, they’re not posing every moment of their lives for an advertisement.

We are raising people. And in their smallest, most vulnerable forms, we must protect their lives the most vigilantly.

Mary’s Selfies

Since it’s nearly Christmas, I thought imagining Mary’s Instagram feed might give us as thought or two on how to practice privacy, also known as WWMP? or What Would Mary Post?

So much good material, great branding opportunity, for this Virgin Mother. Imagine the possibilities! Mary could have posted a selfie with Jesus taking his first bath, his first steps, his first Passover, his first Hannakuh.

Here is Jesus at 6 weeks. I’m giving him his first bath. #VirginMotherDoesItAgain #BathingGod

I know I’m daily tempted to post photos of my boys looking super sweet. Can you imagine what Mary would have felt, how badly she would have wanted to brag about HER baby’s cuteness, abilities, moral fiber?  When her baby arrived, do you think Mary would have posted pictures of him wrapped in swaddling clothes on her Instagram site? #PrinceofPeaceSleeping

When the shepherds came to worship, would Mary have snapped a selfie? #AngelicBirthAnnouncement #ShepherdsLoveJesus  #MessiahinBethlehem

Maybe a few years later, when the kings arrived, surely a selfie at that time with these wealthy men? #KingsWorshipMySon. I know for certain she thought about what was happening, she meditated on these things. Luke has her “pondering these things in her heart.”

Mary could have used Jesus for some much-needed spikes in her popularity.

I have no doubt Mary would have been tempted to use her son to showcase her mothering with a capital “M”. She was, after all, chosen by God to mother and not a shameful fornicator as most her friends thought.

Jesus’ exceptional childhood could have raised Mary out of a lot of unpleasantness. We know Mary had slip ups, she pushed Jesus to showcase his power at that wedding in Cana a bit too prematurely. And yet, we know she spent the majority of her time and energy, not writing a memoir (Confessions of the Mother of God), but pondering. I’m pretty sure this was one of her questions.

How should I raise the son of God? What ought the mother of God do in this situation?

That’s instructive for me.

What should a mother to this young image bearer do with the pictures I take? Should they be made available to all our friends? To some?

I don’t think Mary’s Instagram feed would have been inundated with pictures of Jesus. I could be wrong, but I think Mary would have protected her son, the Son of God, in his most vulnerable state. She is a suggestion to me this holiday and in the coming year.

How did Mary raise Jesus without exploiting his power, his identity, his meekness, his humility?

It’s a guiding question on how we consider mothering and fathering our children.  Mary called herself a servant of God. I imagine that’s why God chose her. Who wouldn’t want a servant of God raising their son?

To Post or Not to Post

I do not post pictures of the faces of my boys. It’s not because they’re deformed or because I’m embarrassed of them, or because I want all the space for myself. It’s not because I think their life is boring and mine is so interesting.

As a mom, my proudest moments are of my whole family, their beautiful faces. And yet, I do my best to rope off my boys’ lives from social media not because anything is wrong with them, but because something is wrong in me. I too easily succumb to needing my fans/friends to “like” them. I have to keep practicing to protect myself (and them) from that craving.

I also want to protect my sons from having their earliest days in the public eye.

I think much more famous people practice the same policy. In that US Weekly cover article on Adele, the headline claimed to expose Adele’s “Choosing Family Over Fame”. But in the whole four pages of interview and photos not one picture appeared of her son. Her son, Angelo, for whom her choice was made, was refreshingly absent.

I want my sons to have a space of privacy to play, as themselves. I grew up thinking all my life was a stage. I always felt an audience’s breath on my neck. My childhood consisted of performing. And now, with a stage ministry, it’s even more important. I want to protect my sons from this “performance experience” for as long as possible. I want them to have time to cultivate their real selves.

For we all know the world wants a performance, and to be a child means, at its best, to be free from that self-consciousness.

As a possible Christmas present to the children in your life, I invite you to practice this kind of privacy.  You can practice for one day, one week, or a month or a year.  You can simply begin asking yourself the question “Would my adult child want this childhood photo of him or her online?”

So far, I’ve been working on this discipline of no photos of my children’s faces for five years. Call it a gift to my boys, call it a cleanse for my soul. But as I love to perform, as I am in a platform ministry and as I am still recovering from a stage family, this is how I work to keep privacy alive in our home.

Try it out, practice making your social media feed about you, not your husband, not your marriage, not your kids, about you and what you are learning. Stop using Instagram and Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest as a place to showcase others.

I imagine God knows how tempting Facebook, Instagram, Periscope, Twitter (etc.) is to us mothers and fathers who want to share the cutest moments, but I also think God empowers us to serve our children rather than having their images serve us.

That may mean sifting through those who follow you online. That may mean posting more, not less. But for many of us, it may mean posting less childhood photos of our dearest ones.

If you take this challenge to post less in 2016, would you tell me about it.  How long will you try to do it? And why did you choose privacy over posting? And any other practices for developing private space? I’m all ears.

Image credit: Nastya Pitchek

#BabyJesus: What Would Mary Post?

image credit: Nastya Pitchek

The most famous people have the worst things to say about fame.

Movie stars talk about privacy as if it’s an achievement. Actor Kate Winslet recently said, “No one really knows what has happened in my life. No one really knows why my first marriage didn’t last; no one knows why my second didn’t. And I’m proud of those silences.” (WSJ Magazine, October 2015).

I realize we’re not all “movie stars”  (a label Winslet despises) but we have all worked to develop a public persona, from the pictures we choose for our (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) profiles, to the stories we don’t tell.  We all get mini trips into fame when our Facebook pics and posts garner dozens of likes. And boy, it feels good, right? Our friends like us, they approve, we are beautiful, capable, strong, serene, popular.

Private Space

I remember when Dale and I were first married. I took some pictures of him while he was napping on the couch.  I showed him later the one I planned to post one online.

“That makes me uncomfortable,” Dale protested.

“Why? You’re so handsome!” I said.

“Those are private, intimate, vulnerable pictures,” my husband said.

Just because something happened in my home that is cute and adorable doesn’t mean it belongs online.

I would never take a picture of my husband in a hospital gurney, with tubes in his nose and IVs in his arms to put on Facebook. Not unless he asked me to do so. Again, too vulnerable and private.

Recently, I had a premature baby boy. While we asked for prayers on some social media outlets. But, we got less “hits”, less “likes” because no photos accompanied our requests.  And yet, when I had my son safely home, I’m glad I did not post my newborn son’s face on my wall. I protected him from peering eyes during his most vulnerable days.

And I protected myself from using my son for more popularity. It’s something I struggle with, using people to feel better about myself.

Not everyone struggles with this, of course. You may be one of my online friends who can post pics of your children without caring if the photo is popular or not. You may be immune to fame. Maybe you should be writing this post. Or you may have a vigilantly guarded list of Facebook friends. Creepers or strangers don’t keep showing up on your wall.

It wasn’t until my twenties that I learned there were firm rules of privacy and publicity. Some things should never be shared publicly no matter how life-changing, wonderful, powerful, or poignant. I’ve written earlier how blogging itself tends to make pimps of us all. We’re always scarfing up the meaningful moments with “Hmmm, I should write a post about that” and friends start sharing less with us wondering, as my close guy friend once did, “You’re not going to write about this conversation, are you?”

I have to work on regularly asking myself “What is appropriate to share publicly?” Lately, I’ve been working on a mission statement for social feeds, a way to rope off some solid ground in my private life. Before any statement goes online on my feeds must pass this test:

Is this something I have been learning?

Is it something I want to share publicly forever?

Because if this is something personal, private and special, then I do not want to post it.  Rather I will take extra time to share it with a few personal texts, a Voxer message, or (the vintage way!) printing these photos and mailing them to few special friends. More work, this one-on-one stuff, but I think privacy deserves a little attention. Because fame, the opposite of privacy, even in mini-doses is toxic. I’m not the only one who thinks that.

Adele in her recent interview in US Weekly said,

I’m frightened of fame destroying me and it ruining me, and me getting lost . . . and I get frightened for the people that I love, feeling like they’ve lost me. It’s a bit toxic, fame. I’ve got enough toxins in my body I don’t need any of that. (Dec 7, 2015).

Adele wears nondescript clothes, drives a Mini, and often eats at home (“I’m a brilliant cook” she says). If fame is a toxin and one that famous people have to avoid as best they can, how are the common folks like us keeping our distance from fame?

I’ve noticed that if I am silent online (as I was about my last pregnancy and birth) my friends get it, but not all my FB “Friends” understand. Why didn’t they know? They ask for his name, date of brith, what happened, details, pics, SHARE THEM!.

But is it right that they know? That is part of the work all parents must ask about the people who, for a season, belong to us.

People Who Belong to Us

Since the first year of my oldest son’s birth, I have been working toward the long-forgotten art of privacy. Since we live in a time when . . .

. . . if it’s not online, it didn’t happen . . .

. . . this is counter cultural work. I think it’s much harder to stay present online and practice privacy well, than it is to just shut down my Facebook account. I’ve wanted to pull the plug, often this last year. It’s easier to cut it out cold turkey than navigating this social network stuff, especially when it comes to our children.

Kids are one of the most meaningful places in all our lives, from parents to aunts and uncles, grandparents, sisters, cousins). Kids are by far typically cuter than most adults (Hate to admit it, but we are all getting less glossy by the minute), so of course we want to share their adorableness.

But, too easily, too often, we cross over from sharing their children’s lives to paparazzing their children’s lives.

How do you know which you’re doing?

Here is my test:

Would your child want this online when they are 15 or 25 or 55? If your answer is no, then don’t post it.

Of course, it’s difficult to know. Our kids may grow into becoming more private than we could imagine, or they might love that you posted that video of them going potty in their pants (it takes all kinds). We raise all types, right?!  And yet, I think this filter is worth considering.

It’s too easy in America, the land of image-obsession, to think of our children as display points, their cute sayings, their hilarious poses, their darling stages as material for OUR feed. But our children are not possessions, they’re not posing every moment of their lives for an advertisement.

We are raising people. And in their smallest, most vulnerable forms, we must protect their lives the most vigilantly.

Mary’s Selfies

Since it’s nearly Christmas, I thought imagining Mary’s Instagram feed might give us as thought or two on how to practice privacy, also known as WWMP? or What Would Mary Post?

So much good material, great branding opportunity, for this Virgin Mother. Imagine the possibilities! Mary could have posted a selfie with Jesus taking his first bath, his first steps, his first Passover, his first Hannakuh.

Here is Jesus at 6 weeks. I’m giving him his first bath. #VirginMotherDoesItAgain #BathingGod

I know I’m daily tempted to post photos of my boys looking super sweet. Can you imagine what Mary would have felt, how badly she would have wanted to brag about HER baby’s cuteness, abilities, moral fiber?  When her baby arrived, do you think Mary would have posted pictures of him wrapped in swaddling clothes on her Instagram site? #PrinceofPeaceSleeping

When the shepherds came to worship, would Mary have snapped a selfie? #AngelicBirthAnnouncement #ShepherdsLoveJesus  #MessiahinBethlehem

Maybe a few years later, when the kings arrived, surely a selfie at that time with these wealthy men? #KingsWorshipMySon. I know for certain she thought about what was happening, she meditated on these things. Luke has her “pondering these things in her heart.”

Mary could have used Jesus for some much-needed spikes in her popularity.

I have no doubt Mary would have been tempted to use her son to showcase her mothering with a capital “M”. She was, after all, chosen by God to mother and not a shameful fornicator as most her friends thought.

Jesus’ exceptional childhood could have raised Mary out of a lot of unpleasantness. We know Mary had slip ups, she pushed Jesus to showcase his power at that wedding in Cana a bit too prematurely. And yet, we know she spent the majority of her time and energy, not writing a memoir (Confessions of the Mother of God), but pondering. I’m pretty sure this was one of her questions.

How should I raise the son of God? What ought the mother of God do in this situation?

That’s instructive for me.

What should a mother to this young image bearer do with the pictures I take? Should they be made available to all our friends? To some?

I don’t think Mary’s Instagram feed would have been inundated with pictures of Jesus. I could be wrong, but I think Mary would have protected her son, the Son of God, in his most vulnerable state. She is a suggestion to me this holiday and in the coming year.

How did Mary raise Jesus without exploiting his power, his identity, his meekness, his humility?

It’s a guiding question on how we consider mothering and fathering our children.  Mary called herself a servant of God. I imagine that’s why God chose her. Who wouldn’t want a servant of God raising their son?

To Post or Not to Post

I do not post pictures of the faces of my boys. It’s not because they’re deformed or because I’m embarrassed of them, or because I want all the space for myself. It’s not because I think their life is boring and mine is so interesting.

As a mom, my proudest moments are of my whole family, their beautiful faces. And yet, I do my best to rope off my boys’ lives from social media not because anything is wrong with them, but because something is wrong in me. I too easily succumb to needing my fans/friends to “like” them. I have to keep practicing to protect myself (and them) from that craving.

I also want to protect my sons from having their earliest days in the public eye.

I think much more famous people practice the same policy. In that US Weekly cover article on Adele, the headline claimed to expose Adele’s “Choosing Family Over Fame”. But in the whole four pages of interview and photos not one picture appeared of her son. Her son, Angelo, for whom her choice was made, was refreshingly absent.

I want my sons to have a space of privacy to play, as themselves. I grew up thinking all my life was a stage. I always felt an audience’s breath on my neck. My childhood consisted of performing. And now, with a stage ministry, it’s even more important. I want to protect my sons from this “performance experience” for as long as possible. I want them to have time to cultivate their real selves.

For we all know the world wants a performance, and to be a child means, at its best, to be free from that self-consciousness.

As a possible Christmas present to the children in your life, I invite you to practice this kind of privacy.  You can practice for one day, one week, or a month or a year.  You can simply begin asking yourself the question “Would my adult child want this childhood photo of him or her online?”

So far, I’ve been working on this discipline of no photos of my children’s faces for five years. Call it a gift to my boys, call it a cleanse for my soul. But as I love to perform, as I am in a platform ministry and as I am still recovering from a stage family, this is how I work to keep privacy alive in our home.

Try it out, practice making your social media feed about you, not your husband, not your marriage, not your kids, about you and what you are learning. Stop using Instagram and Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest as a place to showcase others.

I imagine God knows how tempting Facebook, Instagram, Periscope, Twitter (etc.) is to us mothers and fathers who want to share the cutest moments, but I also think God empowers us to serve our children rather than having their images serve us.

That may mean sifting through those who follow you online. That may mean posting more, not less. But for many of us, it may mean posting less childhood photos of our dearest ones.

If you take this challenge to post less in 2016, would you tell me about it.  How long will you try to do it? And why did you choose privacy over posting? And any other practices for developing private space? I’m all ears.

 

You Can Come Out of Hiding

We groom our leaders to hide.

As most Christian leaders could admit, we are not trained to be very honest. And when I say trained, I don’t mean seminaries. I mean you and me. We do the training. As followers we teach our leaders to tell us half truths. To be idealistic they cannot live the tweets they write. Because in our culture, we have forgotten how to say and live what we really mean.

How long has it been since you told another Christian what you honestly believe about divorce, or gay marriage, or race relations, or gun rights, or immigration or gave yourself time to come up with what you think about hell or original sin? How often do you let yourself admit you actually have some doubts, that the leaders you follow are simplifying issues you know are more complex?

Maybe it’s the Christian everyday practices that don’t work for you anymore. Maybe you don’t trust the Bible anymore or you doubt the power of prayer to change things or you’re not sure about what the Bible seems to say about roles in marriage or the justice of God’s decree to wipe out the Canaanites.  Maybe you just don’t know if the faith of your childhood works for the faith of a wiser adult. 

Sometimes the last gasp of our faith (and you see this more with Progressives) looks like intense social justice activity. We take up the cause of the marginalized, doing good, hoping it will cover the way we’re embarrassed or doubtful about our doctrine. This can look like defensive retorts that ignore the nuances of an issue. For example, this tweet I recently read from a progressive leader, “How can we speak admirably of those who hid Jews during the Holocaust & then refuse refugees cause there’s a small possibility of danger?” Even should you agree, do you see the defensiveness and intolerance of alternative views in this tweet? How can other leaders come out of hiding to discuss their complex answers to complex problems when leaders begin by being defensive? 

Whenever you see defensiveness you can know someone has not come out of hiding. I’m most defensive about the things that make me feel superior and special, not the things I have made peace with. 

Sometimes the last gasp of our faith is when we turn into UniKitty (watch her best moments from the Lego movie), too full of the peace of God, too full of “no negativity of any kind” to be honest about our emotions (you see this more with Conservatives).  For example, when we compulsively push grieving people to attend church to keep from being depressed. As if depression embarrasses God as much as us.

Whenever you experience compulsion you can know someone has not come out of hiding. I’m most compulsive about the things that remind me of my limitations. But I’m not compulsively fixing others if I can come out of hiding about my own messiness.

If you don’t know the answers, but want to pretend you do, you will fit in well in most Christian circles. Our leaders do the same act of evasion. Experts at hiding, some leadership positions reward the Christians who are best at remaining ignorant about what they really think. We call it diplomacy and tact, but sometimes it’s just job security.

Pastors, writers, public figures get paid to follow trends.  It’s not just a Christian problem. I don’t think most leaders remember how to access what they really think, especially if their salary depends on agreeing with the Organization (be it the denomination, political party, publisher, or ministry) that hired them. And this works, ironically even for the disrupters (the newest trend), those leaders we admire as rebels.

Beware of brands, beware of marketing yourself. It can make you less of who God intended you to be.

In many Christian places, you get paid to forget how to think critically, to grieve honestly, and to doubt faithfully. If the Paris attacks of last week have you doubting and silent, it would be better for all of us if your status updates and shares reflect that. Too quickly we speak what we have not known for ourselves. As Eugene Peterson says here, we are all too quick to lapse into “God talk” when silence is what the world needs. Silence and presence.

I admire and rely on social media daily. But social media is most lacking when it comes to areas of grief and honesty. You cannot really grieve fully without embodied presence.

I must admit it is easier for me to perform than give it to you straight. I want to toe the popular line, to find the one post that explodes into your Facebook feed with relevance, the one you’ll shower with likes and comments of approval.

Ministry does this to you. You learn to be a master of disguise, to be all things to all people. I can even find a Bible verse to back up this gentle falseness. Paul knew what it felt like to transform himself for the gospel (see 1 Corinthians 9:19-23). But if you read this passage closely, Paul sets limits to his disguises.

I’ve worn other people’s faces for so long, it takes active notice for me to be myself.  I’ve started noticing the uncomfortable feeling in my belly when I say things I don’t believe. I’ve started being curious about that, asking myself this question, “Was that true? Or did I simply say it to be agreeable?” I’m realizing why so many mature people keep themselves silent so often. Sometimes, that’s the truest posture.

I have begun broadcasting through Periscope @Soulation. And this is a new platform for me to stop performing. How do you do that? Step on the platform and hold onto yourself? I’ve experimented being okay doing a Periscope without makeup, without notes, with my son sleeping in a carrier right there while I try to explain an idea. I’m not always successful at this. I lose myself sometimes.

I’m trying to come out of hiding, to be the real me, to be more human.

If Jesus could admit he was human and needed rest and space, tears and prayer, let’s expect we will also hit our limits. You and I don’t have to be so disappointed or surprised with our limitations. And as you accept your broken places, I guarantee, you’ll be more accepting when your leaders admit their ignorance and limits, you’ll be able to admire their vulnerability.

The Tang of Honesty

Having picked up “The Poet Every Woman Should Read“, Rupi Kaur‘s, Milk and Honey (follow her on Instagram), a collection of spoken word poems that everyone seems to be talking about.  I’m realizing it is her honesty that makes me trust her. Not since Sylvia Plath have I read a poet who so accurately excavates the secrets women bear. She helps me come out of hiding. And her careful illustrations invite me to let her words soak deeper into my understanding. Take this one for instance:

In a poem as simple as this we have the roots of evil, not the terrorist kind that’s easy to condemn but the evil that runs through my heart and yours. Reading Kaur’s work and seeing her minimalist pencil drawings reminds me of something I wrote over 10 years ago. Readers of my first book, Ruby Slippers, do you remember this?

Salty Glances

I have dark eyes in both senses. They are dark brown and they are “darkened.” Snuggled into a velvet chair, I sip my tea to watch for the salty glance at Starbucks. In walks an attractive woman–high heels, red lipstick, full and neatly styled chestnut hair. Nearby women look up and size up the newcomer as she walks by. Oh, we pretend not to notice, feigning sudden interest in the coffee of the day, but the real reason we look up is to check her out. Without smiling, we sweep her body in a half-second glance. A sort of sour, dour critical spirit rises up in us, and it’s unveiled for a moment in our eyes, an evaluative, salty glance. The more attractive the woman, the higher the heels, the redder the lipstick, the sassier the hair, the more of a threat she becomes. The more I may feel I could never be that attractive, successful, confident, serene. I may do a double-take. My eyes darken while the woman’s back in turned, my eyes force into a smile if the woman turns to me. Like salt water polluting clear, our eyes pollute our souls (p 37-39).

We like to see our competition stumble. We like to pity and rescue because ministry work means we are on top. Few of us can unpack our own hearts long enough to realize how “leadership” camouflages performance. We save others to keep from noticing our own limitations.

But, we cannot lead well if we don’t know our own hearts.

A Ruby Slippers Inspired Devotional

Over a year ago, I received a beautiful devotional book. The watercolors illustrated prompts on how to unpack your secrets with God.  It struck me that devotionals for women this beautiful and this honest are quite rare. Written by Life Coach, boundaries expert and Wounded Heart facilitator, Melissa D’Aunoy of The Kitchen Table Counseling and Life Coaching, it was titled simply Unpack Your Heart. It came with a hand written card from Melissa explaining how she had read Ruby Slippers years ago.

I wrote and asked Melissa to explain to you the Ruby Slippers/Unpack Your Heart connection.

I can’t remember how exactly this gem of a book was dropped into my hands, but years ago Ruby Slippers made its way into my library and then into my heart. So many years I was broken – broken through my own choices and actions, broken by the choices and actions of others – a shell of woman left picking up the pieces. Ruby Slippers was one of those God-designed tools He shared with me to bring healing and repair to my heart. I remember reading the story about Jonalyn’s evening with her grandmother and her dirty knees, crying about her hurt, my hurt! The unintentional actions of others that wound us in such deep, lasting ways. And then her father…what a lovely treasure, I remember really owning that treasure as my own, sitting on my heavenly Father’s knee finding my own beauty!



Jonalyn’s book touched deep places in my heart that brought healing and transformation which allowed me to unpack my own heart so that God could birth my own amazing! Courage is an interesting thing and you can find it in many shades and colors. It is courageous to bear your heart, raw and exposed, for others to see. Jonalyn’s book, Ruby Slippers, is an example of that courage that encouraged me to honesty and transparency. Unpack Your Heart Devotional was birthed from that same sort of courage!

I am forever grateful for her kind of courage, it helped me to find mine!

If you are like Melissa and find yourself broken down with hiding what’s inside, consider picking up Unpack Your Heart. I highly recommend it for small groups. See the lovely watercolors by clicking on this video. And if you tune into my Periscope today @Soulation (follow here, download the free Periscope app to get alerts) I’ll share how you can enter to win a copy Unpack Your Heart.

If viewing in email, watch here.

And if you’re annoyed or confused by the scripted roles on what a good Christian woman ought to do, pick up a copy of Ruby Slippers. Read it for a place to notice how you’re hiding the most interesting things about you. Buy in bundles for a discount at our Store.

And for those who want more, like a community to talk about the challenges of being an honest Christian woman today, I have good news. In 2016, I’ll be teaching a class designed for women in all life stages and statuses to read Ruby Slippers in community. The eCourse will be on Corsets & Bowties: Freeing Christians Into Authentic Manhood and Womanhood. AND, there will be a guy track, with my husband leading on why manhood is much more interesting than being the spiritual leader. We’re crowdfunding this Year of Gender at Soulation. Read all 20 gender projects and join those who will help us meet our goal. Be sure to read about our new partnership plan where you receive a gift card for our Store when you donate.

More interesting, more honest gender studies, right here at Soulation.

Care to learn more? Subscribe to RubySlippers.org (at right) so you don’t miss my “Corsets and Bowties” announcement.

What About You?

Where do you find Christians leading with raw honesty and openness to growth? Often it’s favorite poets that help me come out of hiding, Madeleine L’Engle, Luci Shaw, Amy Kaneko, and now Rupi Kaur. What about you? How do you come out of hiding when nice femininity and strong masculinity rule the stage?

New Season

The middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens.

— Brene Brown.

I’m nearly finished with a month of messy in my personal life. And magic is afoot. I can see it.

While the amazing team at Soulation have kept RubySlippers fresh with weekly posts (let’s hear it for the Summer of Sexuality– Hope Forti, you rocked it!), the Fall of 2015 marks a change of season for me.

Instead of devoting my time to writing new posts each week, I’ll be creating new packages for the Soulation Store (have you seen our new packages?), pastoring the Freedom Builders in our community, and enjoying the newest addition to our family.

When you blog regularly, there is this crazy temptation to turn every moment into a blog post. It’s like we’re working every friendship for the example, every special family moment becomes material for a public post. Several years ago, I knew when my anxiety over tweeting my concerns over Sandy Hook’s shooting rose higher than my anxiety for the victims, I was catching the blogging disease.

The need to “grow an audience”, to “create a branding”, to “attract your tribe” end up being higher goals than serving the work, the ideas, the people we love. And we produce too soon, green fruit that could have nourished our audience, if we had ripened these ideas on the vine. The tyranny of the most popular pushes us bloggers to speak before our time, before the Spirit calls us for our turn.  Before we’ve talked over the joy or grief in our lives with our friends, God, our spouse, we bloggers hit the publish button. Our posts end up airing sentences that should have remained journal entries, for private meditation and prayer. But too often our private angst makes it to the screens of audience that follow our blog.

Too many of us no longer know how to write for just the privacy of our own lives, “paparazzing” ourselves and our new information. For me, I’m very tempted to attract others by using my life stories. And so for the last year I’ve begun a new experiment in privacy. For this next season, I’m going to keep practicing. And one prime way is to let my writing bubble out of me as I learn new things, not always on a timed (it’s-Wednesday-so-publish-something) basis.  I’ve been writing weekly for over 7 years. So it’s time to try a new way, a messy magical way of writing as the muse visits. 

Look for RubySlippers posts on a monthly basis, instead of weekly. Older RubySlippers posts will not be quite so available, as we’re moving the best into packages at the Soulation Store. You can still expect deep thoughts on sexuality and faith, just not quite as often. 

Looking forward to the magic of this next season!

Your Position on Gay Marriage

Recently, I ran into a professional woman in our small town of Steamboat. She mentioned that she’d only brought her parents to church two times, and both of these I was preaching at the local Steamboat Christian Center.  

“What are the chances?” I said, “I’ve only preached there twice!”

“The last time,” she said, “You preached on how important it is to ask your gay friends to share their coming out story. I think it was your message that finally gave my dad permission to talk to his lesbian sister’s partner. He actually can look into her eyes now, and have a conversation. Thank you for preaching that idea. It changed our family.”

This summer, I finished the inaugural run of the eCourse “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian”, the enrollment, discussion, and feedback proved it was Soulation’s most popular class.  Gay Christians and our position on this topic doesn’t have to be such a scary, volatile place. In fact, it is one of the places Christians have a chance to be more open and vulnerable. We can be the first Christian to communicate God’s interest in a gay person’s coming out story, regardless of which biblically informed position we take. 

This class can show you how to develop your own position. This Fall, you can take “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian” in an self-directed, choose your own adventure format this Fall. Sign up here. Or join our next LIVE discussion class beginning February, 2016. 

In looking over this last summer’s class my favorite moments came when I saw Christians from both sides hearing each other carefully, asking those energy-requiring questions (both to ask and to answer) and probing into the knotty tangle of the meaning of love, intimacy, friendship and attraction. For those who just want the summary, you can read my position available at Soulation’s Store within the next month.

Sex Ed: Parenting Without Shame

When we work out our own shame before (and in the midst of) sex ed with our kids, everyone benefits. As a parent, one of my biggest motivations to push aside awkwardness and talk about body parts, consent, and age-appropriate behavior, is that I know I can deter sexual abusers. Recording her treatment groups with sexual offenders, Feather Berkower (LCSW) writes,

People who sexually abuse children tend to run in a different direction if they see that the parent is involved and the child is educated. 

Kids need to know they can talk to a safe adult about anything. And for readers who aren’t parents, you also have the power to share this information with families you know. As young kids, maybe that’s just milk, breasts, mama, and cows. If you don’t know where to start, pick up the book God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies. As your children grow, your conversations will include porn, dating and virginity, and masturbation. If you want to see into the pain of young adults who needed someone to talk to, read our three MyFaithHurdle questions on masturbation, porn, and sex addiction.

Another motivation for sex ed without shame? We’ll set kids up–as much as possible with free-willed human beings–to “come home” to their sexuality at all stages, from toddlerhood to puberty to adulthood. As Dr. Sellers mentions in today’s video, we can tell the whole truth about sexuality. And that’s something secular culture and the majority of U.S. church culture rarely do.

I think you’ll learn something practical from Dr. Sellers ideas today. As this is our last Summer of Sexuality video, will you leave a comment (anonymity welcome!) with your primary takeaway from our series? What do you wish we’d covered? I’d love to know what is most helpful to you, as I plan for more discussion in the future.

If reading in email, click here to watch.

If you want pastoral guidance on sexual shame and talking to kids, reserve your one-on-one eMentoring appointment with Dale or me (only $25 for an hour). We’d love to talk through what we’ve learned in our years of researching sex and faith, and how that relates to your individual story.

Summer of Sexuality Series:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

Click here for when women initiate sex.

Click here for what’s allowed in Christian bedrooms.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for the therapy solution for sexual shame.

Click here for losing control and finding safety.

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

Losing Control and Finding Safety

External control over our lives is not a sign of godliness. It’s a coping mechanism.

Sometimes faith in God can be a big part of our healing after sexual pain, shame, or violation. But faith in God can also serve as an addiction as harmful as sexual violation. Sounds crazy, right? How could sexual abuse be anywhere near as bad a faith in God? Isn’t faith in God always more pure, more holy?

There is a name for this tendency to use God to mask our pain: religious addiction.

Controlling faith communities can feel “like home” to us when we are accustomed to controlling sexual encounters or controlling home communities. But this is actually just trading one addiction (e.g. pleasing a parent) for another (pleasing a pastor). Both can be authoritarian, both can be shaming, both can get into our heads, both can even (mis)use God and the Bible. Both teach put us “out of touch” with ourselves, our emotions, our beliefs, our sexuality, our spirituality.  As the Linns explain in Healing Spiritual Abuse and Religious Addiction

An addiction is any substance or process we use to escape from and get control over a painful reality in our lives, especially painful feelings. We use something outside to escape something we’re afraid of inside. As Anne Wilson Schaef says, the purpose of an addiction is to put us out of touch with ourselves.

We cannot truly come home to our real selves and the God who loves us if we remain addicted. And this is true if our addiction is sexual or spiritual.  If we want to recover, we must find a more authentic way to belong to God, to ourselves, to our families.

Dr. Sellers explains why it FEELS less risky to bury pain in a new set of rules. We think it ensures that we won’t be hurt again. But keeping a tight lid of control does not always mean we’re safe.

We cannot shelter our children from the shame or violation we experienced by tightening up control. This is something I’m experiencing firsthand these weeks as my oldest goes off to kindergarten. I’m encountering the anxiety of letting him grow without me at his elbow.  I’m finding there is a lasting, beyond comprehension peace, when I stop micromanaging my son’s life and learn to trust other capable, reliable adults.  I’m realizing there is goodness in letting others help me raise my son.

Next week, we’ll conclude our Summer of Sexuality with tips to guide the kids we love to grow up into appropriate and joyful sexuality. I’ll also have a new kids book recommendation.

Did you miss our summer eCourse on “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian”?  Sign up today for my next class!

If you value the honesty, safety, and biblical faithfulness within our interviews, here’s a chance to go deeper. Join me in the hard questions, and sign up for God, the Bible and the Gay Christian. Over 100 participants worked through this eCourse with me last summer, and now we’re offering the same class as a self-directed study. You’ll get video access when you sign up today. As always, eCourses are included with Platinum and Gold partnerships (details and sign up here).

Summer of Sexuality Series:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

Click here for when women initiate sex.

Click here for what’s allowed in Christian bedrooms.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for the therapy solution for sexual shame.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.

The Therapy Solution for Sexual Shame

If you’ve been following along this summer (check out the full series list below to catch up), you’ve probably heard Dr. Sellers touch on areas where your own sexual health needs attention. In today’s short video, listen to her qualifications for who can best help you. For a detailed step-by-step on starting therapy, along with common questions from anyone who is new to therapy, read How to Find the Right Therapist.

If reading via email, click here to watch.

I have two more videos to share with you this summer! Next week, we’ll ask whether control and safety are the same thing.

Did you miss our summer eCourse on “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian”?  Next class begins next week!

If you value the honesty, safety, and biblical faithfulness within our interviews, here’s a chance to go deeper. Take your gift for living into the hard questions, and sign up for God, the Bible and the Gay Christian. Over 100 participants worked through this eCourse with us all summer, and now we’re offering the same class as a self-directed study. You’ll get video access next week, September 15th. As always, eCourses are included with Platinum and Gold partnerships (details and sign up here).

Summer of Sexuality Series:

Click here for being mismatched in lovemaking.

Click here for abuse recovery.

Click here for purity kids and sexual disfunction.

Click here for honeymoons for the formerly-abstinent.

Click here for duty sex.

Click here for male and female sex drives.

Click here for Jesus’ sexual ethic.

Click here for shutting down shame in marriage.

Click here for how shame gets in the way of pleasure.

Click here for why sexual and spiritual abuse go together.

Click here for why your sex-drive is changing.

Click here for when women initiate sex.

Click here for what’s allowed in Christian bedrooms.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for sex with the lights on as a spiritual discipline.

Click here for the therapy solution for sexual shame.

What’s this summer series all about?

This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.

Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.

Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina!  I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.