Jonalyn Fincher's Blog

A Final Post

Maybe you saw a post from RubySlippers in your subject line and wondered. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. I realized it’s time.

It’s time I shared with you about my new writing home.

I worked on this painting in 2017 for the Soulation Community, a longtime dream come true.

But first some reflections. It began with Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. And here it’s been ten years of learning and writing more books and learning with you. Those years taught me how to engage sticky subjects and practice dialog. Many of you, my readers, helped me learn how to have kind conversations online. Through comments and emails you personally invited me to question and build up my own ideas. Some of you became friends and companions for the Soulation Community. Thank you for being one of my subscribers, for taking time to read my thoughts here at RubySlippers.

Now, the news. We are moving RubySlippers to a new home. And in the process we accidentally re-published a post last week. Oops!

I’m still tapping out posts, regularly writing about sexuality, faith and becoming more fully human but at my new blog with Dale, titled “Living Human.” Living Human is housed in a special place: the Soulation Community. Our online community is where Dale and I show up daily, carefully curating conversations.

This new community is like a home, glowing with light and life. If you step inside you’ll find laughter from our regular #FunnyFriday posts and heartfelt sharing in our running Feed. Only subscribers are permitted entrance, so this means the conversations are rich and kind. We’ve created Rooms where you can discuss creativity, culture, books, movies, and your own spiritual growth.  And every Soulation study, our past blogs posts, talks and videos are now housed in this protected space.  So, except for a few dozen popular posts, RubySlippers posts will soon be moved to our community.

This week, for “Living Human” I’m working on a piece entitled “Threesome” which includes, as you might guess, questions to help us have more honest conversations with our friends, our children, and ourselves. Here’s an excerpt:

When we lived in Los Angeles, I’d regularly see Playboy bunny bumper stickers on women’s cars, the women drivers telegraphing they were sexually available. I remember a female mentor once confiding that she wanted to learn some exotic dancing for her husband. Currently, most young adults, men and women, look to Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, porn films, or Las Vegas as the authority for their sexual education. Lots of sexual formation happening here. But it’s all deformed.

Sexual stewardship helps us stop and ask who gets to inform and thereby form us. Sexual formation helps us realize that exotic dancers do not hold the keys to arousal, especially to our husband or wife. Porn only holds a few cheap tricks that always look better than they feel. Playboy doesn’t own sexual play. But, by the way we avoid sex conversations or sum them up with “consent”, it’s clear a lot of us are simply afraid to learn better ways. We’ve given up the playground to the pranksters.

Our kids deserve better. We do, too.

If you have missed the RubySlippers conversation, I invite you to consider joining our community. Try it out for one month, I think you’ll be impressed by the quality of souls and the conversation you’ll find.

Learn more here. 

New Smartphone Habits for Election Season

In the movie Wall-E, the mega-corporation Buy n Large (BnL) has taken over the world.

Far from earth, on the spaceship, The Axiom, humans live in a perpetual cruise-like state. Baby humans are raised by BnL robots. The infants, still too young to speak, watch BnL’s station for babies. The show chants,

“The Axiom: home sweet home”

“Buy and Large: your very best friend.”

The propaganda ensures that these babies grow into adults tethered to their screens, floating on space-age Barca loungers, fulfilled without having to move their eyes from their personal electronic devices.

In this Age of the Smartphone, I am similarly tethered to a screen that can do most my wish-fulfillment for me. In crisis or boredom, for dinner plans or scripture reading, I go to my iPhone first.

And I love it. The convenience, the ease, the speed, all hugely helpful, actually.

You’re not going to hear me say “Turn off your Smartphone!”

Instead, I think it’s time we take back our Smartphones to serve us. So I offer four ways to customize your phone to serve a portion of peace instead of a double portion of “cray-cray”. And, what better time to start than October 2016, when the political noise is driving most of us batty?!

These four habits are not commandments. They work well for me, but they will need customization to serve you. Try them on, throw them out, consider and contemplate.

As you consider, one caveat to remember. Any change to your habits often requires spiritual muscle. There are forces at work, both material and spiritual, that do not want you to change.  The material ones are easier to spot: the BnL of today (from CNN to Fox, from People to USA Today) want you mindless clicking and sharing on your feed. Remember, BnL is your very best friend! Besides “the world”, there are spiritual forces invested in keeping you from reflecting on truth. Remember what Scripture calls the Evil One? The Father of Lies. Finally, our personal soul care may be neglected. We may be easily distracted and tired all the time. Facebook or Netflix may always lead us into 30 minute unintended detours. If you find yourself wanting to change, but needing some coaching, I can help you with that. Find out more about spiritual direction here.

BnL doesn’t have to be your best friend. Habits of reflection can become your daily rhythm. You can determine how the best apps and feeds serve you, rather than you serving them.

You can decide what you think without looking to see what the popular girls are thinking.

After all, this is YOUR soul.

Choose Your Medium

First, how do you want to receive the news?

I wasn’t raised with a TV. Perhaps that’s why images get lodged in my head and often haunt my days. This means I’m terrific at remembering movies. I can quote them like a champ. But the downside is that I cannot watch the news and hold onto my sense of self. It’s taken me years to realize and admit this. Viewing the news means my clarity of mind flies right out the window.

You may be able to hold onto your own opinions and watch the news every night. I cannot. I actually forget my own views after hours sitting at the feet of the “experts”. So, I rarely watch a network channel, even on long layovers, even when it’s on my husband’s screen. I don’t watch videos (funny, morbid, or commentaries) on any current news events. I do not enjoy listening to the news anymore, either. I used to tune into NPR, but the subjects alone are not suitable for a six-year-old, noticing more and more from the backseat.  And the longer I have classical music playing in my car, the easier it is for me to see the jarring, sensational nature of most radio news.

Refusing to watch the news doesn’t make me an ostrich. It is precisely because I’m choosing the medium of the news that I know the difference between what I think and what the media thinks about the next president. No one is permitted to overwhelm me with images or drumming advertisements.

I rely on reading the news. I rely on the least sensational, best written, and longest standing reputations I can find.  This means I never read any of my Facebook feeds.

I cannot rely on my Facebook friends to sift the news for me.

These people may have other great qualities, but I do not allow them to conduit news. When I click the app, I do not glance at that opening page, it still can suck me in. When I open my Facebook app, I move my eyes to the bottom right icon, and immediately click to the groups I lead. I also avoid clickbait headlines like a plague. The instructive one-liners (“Trump’s Daughter Avoided Kissing Him After the Debate–and It Was Painful to Watch!”) are evidence enough that my reason and intelligence will not be respected. Just click on one and see the links at the bottom. If I see celebrity gossip or weight loss secrets, I know I got suckered.

When in the grocery line, I do my best to engage with those in line or working for me. If I notice the headlines, I ask myself, “What is the cost of being her or him?” Sometimes I pray for the celebrities I see to find light, truth, and privacy. I cannot stomach MSNBC, The New York Times, People, or Time magazine. Just slipping into one article from these presses insults my own chance to sift the truth and quickly tumbles me into anxiety. These heavy-handed sources have not shown respect for my need to make up my own mind. And since I no longer need to be told what to think, I won’t open them anymore. They remind me of BnL. In fact, Apple’s newest update chooses the NYT as your default news source. Just the few hours before I altered my settings were enough to remind me of the chaotic way news headlines can invade my world. And a word to Apple, I don’t need to be told what to read by yet another organization.

None of this means I’m a lightweight thinker. I’m a philosopher who cares about religion, culture, and human flourishing. I don’t settle for light reading. I like to think that my heavier reading has made me more discerning to when I’m being manipulated.

I want the news events without commentary. If I’m looking specifically for commentary by a certain person from a certain position, I know where to look. I read the feeds on the Wall Street Journal app. Their search engine is very helpful. Their headlines avoid shouting. I find I can glance at a headline and keep my peace intact. And I look at the WSJ editorials and Letters to the Editor to know better what people are discussing. These sections pull from exceptional writers.

When a friend tells me I really should watch Vice President Michelle Obama’s speech or hear Mr. Trump’s acceptance speech, I make my Smartphone serve me. I look up a transcript. I don’t want my eagerness to see what Michelle is wearing to keep me from hearing the content of what she said. I don’t need my thoughts clouded by the commentary, camera angles, make-up artists, lights and audience reaction to her script. These all add value judgments that distract me from my work: to form my own thoughts. So I read speeches from conventions, events, debates. This also helps protect me from the cut-and-pasted way we hear most speeches. 

I also rely heavily on talking about the news with those who think carefully through the headlines and know the stories that don’t make the headlines.  I want to have a better knowledge of what my closest friends think than what Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, or the hottest celebrity think. I do not engage casually about my voting ideas unless I am prepared to invest serious time to listen and articulate what I think. I am attracted to people who can make up their own mind from multiple, competing voices, who know the ideology and motivation driving the issues. I value these voices that have fresh perspectives beyond “both sides.” I am not attracted to talk with people who simply parrot or “share” an article to make their point. This helps me remain faithful to my value of creative, political thought. 

If I read blogs on political events it is only with a careful eye to find what this author finds persuasive. Most blogs posts I do read come recommended by friends or acquaintances and they often serve to illuminate the “sharer”. Rarely do blog posts examine issues to the point that they change my mind. Many bloggers, unfortunately, take you on a ride and don’t offer the courtesy of disagreeing thoughtfully. Bloggers, like most politicians, run the risk of looking for fanfare and popularity, not truth. Just read the comments.

Timing

Second, when are you are best suited to receive the news?  Can you read an incriminating article and then switch off your phone and go to sleep? You can? How cool is that?!  

That is impossible for me. Reading the news always means I will have something burdensome to hold, more to sift through and bring to God, something to tempt me to feel inadequate, tired, angry, or overwhelmed. And those last four always lead me to an adrenalin boost to try to do something. I know, I’ll post a really clever comeback on my Facebook page so I can change the world! Not conducive for my REM cycle.

I can only read the news when I’m prepared to take on more burdens. This means, as a wife, mother, and Vice President of a non-profit that heals souls, days will go by when I do not read any news. I find missing daily news a very wise practice for me. I cannot help Cindy with her crumbling marriage if I’ve spent my mental energy wondering about and then articulating the spiritual abuse in Obama’s recent speech. I don’t have any bandwidth left for Cindy. Being present as a wife, mother, and pastor/speaker is prior to my responsibility to know and evaluate every world or national event. I know this means I may be asked about an event I don’t know about. I am prepared to admit my limitations in this. 

Feeds

Third, decide who is allowed to feed you. It’s incredible how scrupulous we can be about what we eat, but pay no attention to the junk ideas that we absorb every time we read our feeds. Check your feeds, from Pinterest to Twitter. Who am I following? Do I have bullies in my feed? Any BnL corporations? Do I follow people who must comment on every jot and tittle that blasts from the news networks? Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow. 

I don’t care if they follow me. I realize someone (BnL) said that I must follow everyone who follows me or I’m rude.  Scripture commands that we must seek peace. Peace doesn’t arrive gift-wrapped on our doorstep. If a bully or an impulsive, uncreative, unthinking person is in my feed, I am set back in my peace. For one incautious post, I may have hours of self care to recover. Incautious words that I invited into my life. I will also unfollow the type of person who loves to slyly brag about life, family, romance, work events. They are incautious and immodest. It doesn’t matter how popular or influential they are. I unfollow.

If I don’t have the courage to protect my peace, no one else will do it.  Anyone who doesn’t give me life is out of my feed. If you check the feed I manage on Instagram (Soulationdotorg) you’ll notice that we follow 27 people. Today, I’m knocking it down to 26. I’m always sweeping the feed to see who just tried to proselytize me. This is risky, it’s not the “social way to go”. But it’s the best soul care for growth and maturity in my life.

I will address chaotic, controversial events head on, but when I am ready. I will address news and controversy as best suits my needs, not as best suits the impulses of everyone else.

If you like reading the news through a feed, and you enjoy the unexpected nature of a “friend” giving you a new angle on a story, then by all means follow the people who will spring news on you through your feed.

A note for those of us who believe our feeds are going to help us build a platform: for that book we want to write someday, for that photography business we are just starting, for the consulting we plan to do. So we follow people thinking we are doing necessary, savvy networking. I am not saying this networking never works. It can. But the best way to develop followers is to focus on the one thing you do best. If it’s fashion, exclusively post fashion pictures. You only need to follow people who add value to your work and platform.

Don’t be tempted to think that telling the world your every opinion is being courageous.

More likely, it’s your anxiety spilling over from reading someone else’s feed and feeling powerless. Too often, we use our feeds, our walls, our posts to talk about something publicly that we need to work on in a private conversation, in prayer, or in our journal. You can succeed brilliantly at your work without following incendiary political commentators.  And a little hint: you can post every single day and not feel obligated to read a single feed.

You decide where you best receive and sift through the news.

Refreshment Zones

I often reach for my phone when I’m: bored, tired, angry, hungry, stuck, really almost any negative emotion. I’ve gazed longingly for a new ANYthing to distract me from what I’m facing at the moment.  I’ve looked for the powers in my phone to bring me things a phone should never have to deliver. And when we’re that depleted, it’s easy to think a feed will help. Most of the time, unless it’s a safe feed, it will not. It will spiral me, maybe it often does the same for you. You can know by noticing how you feel after you read your feed.

A good practice for me is asking ahead of time, “What am I looking for?” I answer before I let myself click “on”. Sometimes, I’ll already be knee deep in Instagram and think “Wait a second, I don’t need this, I need rest, nourishment, beauty, etc.”

I’ve set up refreshment zones on my phone to serve me when I need a break. These let me escape into my phone but ensure I emerge refreshed and stronger. These are quite personal. Candy Crush might do it for you.

What’s key is how easily can you “pull out” and how you feel afterwards. Re-energized or sort of numb?

My refreshment zones are Columbo re-runs on Netflix, scrolling Pinterest, opening my Kindle app, searching for a passage in my YouVersion Bible app. In this season, I have a Columbo re-run going at all times. So when I’m feeling a headache coming on, I know I need to catch up on emails but I’m feeling stuck trying to nurse my baby. That’s when I realize I don’t have the mental energy to do any work. I tap my Netflix app and go to the Columbo world where goodness always wins. This gentle, brilliant detective always exposes evil with creatively and dignity. Even five minutes with Columbo leaves me refreshed. Keep in mind that Netflix always pushes their new shows at the top now. It takes new habits of discipline to only look for the show you wanted. This list of Netflix codes may unlock just what you’re looking for.

Pinterest works for me as I only pin things about watercolor painting, fashion, and cooking. I refuse to click on those sensational things (10 things you should fix about your hair, skin, house, right NOW). When I accidentally pin one, I find I’m left feeling jumpy, like I need to clean the washing machine immediately.  

If I’m not battling a headache or fatigue, I can use that mental energy to click into Kindle. I’m always working on interesting books on self-help, biography, theological/spiritual formation or a novel. These are bookmarked and downloaded for when I want mental stimulation but know I don’t want to face the unpredictable world of email or a news story. It helps to have a book because books require endurance and the work I need to do to think carefully. Book reading always prepares me to write better, to think intentionally, and to grow spiritually. And who doesn’t want to be reading more books?!  I want to note that I cannot read political books this way. I have another routine for political reading. Ask me about that if you’re interested.

There are also a few writers who consistently restore me.  If I find myself sucked into a BnL news story I often need one of these guys to pull me out: Henry Nouwen (The Genessee Diary is my favorite), Dallas Willard (The Divine Conspiracy), Wendell Berry (his poetry or novels), and the Gospels or Psalms (I have to go straight to the “read” button to keep from being distracted. It can take me just a page or even a paragraph from one of these spiritual guides to get me back in my own skin.

~

There is one human in Wall-E who accidentally turns off her video. Mary is startled at first to see the real world. She sees Wall-E and Eve dancing. She notices that The Axiom has a pool. She meets John. Together they save a group of babies tumbling to injury. She takes the tools she has and she lives a better life, even in the midst of chaos.

In every era, we need humans who know how to look around them instead of just absorbing what other people tell them. Men and women who know how to hold the chaos back long enough to contemplate what God wants them to do for such a time as this.

We live in more distraction because we invite it.

Next time you reach for your phone ask yourself, “What am I looking for?” to keep you on target. That way you can be sure your Smartphone is serving the one who owns it.

~

Summary

1 – What medium works best for you to receive the news and keep your peace and sanity intact? Written, spoken, or filmed.

2 – When are you best suited to face the news? Change your phone’s settings so that you are not bombarded at all hours of the day and night.

3 – Who is in charge of feeding you news? Check your feeds, unfriend, unfollow, or (easier yet) start a new profile.

3 – Find your Refreshment Zones. Pick your refreshment authors.

Image credit: http://www.creativedigest.co.uk/socia...

Joy: Poet, Seeker, and the Woman Who Captivated C.S. Lewis

Abigail Santamaria, Joy’s biographer, marketed for those of us who can admit that we only really want to know about the wife of C.S. Lewis because she married C.S. Lewis.

This last summer, I picked up Joy: Poet, Seeker, and the Woman who Captivated C.S. Lewis. Reading this unsentimental account of her life made me quite certain I must read more biographies.

Santamaria doesn’t soften Joy’s edges. Perhaps this is because Joy’s most impressive qualities were somewhat startling. Joy Davidman’s hedonism, atheism, arrogance, and brilliance, make for a bracing package. I find it easier to list her faults: her cursing and her drinking, her affairs and her determination, her feminist ideals and her homemaking isolation, her Christian conversion while sustaining a regular practice in Dianetics, and, most startling, her penchant for inappropriate comments in public and in writing (like when she told her ex-husband about how steamy C.S. Lewis’ libido proved to be).

Not just once, but page after page, Santamaria lets Joy startle. She locked her misbehaving son in a cupboard? She stalked older men? She expected and permitted her first husband’s affairs? How could this insecure, sexually obsessed Communist become someone C.S. Lewis wanted to marry? I was intrigued.

I was also anxious, because Santamaria’s ungilded record does, what all good biography ought to do, reveal the truth.

Distinct from political memoir, posthumous biographies reveal the pieces that don’t fit the puzzle, those ubiquitous, quiet sins.

As I marched into the thick of Joy’s life, like a skid and a stumble, I found myself begrudgingly understanding Joy’s contradictions.

One of the dominating and disturbing forces of Joy’s life was her fascination with older men. She thrived on lopsided romantic liaisons (real or imagined). She stalked, fantasized, and even connived to meet and seduce men old enough to be her father.  C.S. Lewis was her final and most famous conquest.

Fortunately for us, Joy wrote poetry. She published during her Communist days. But in her private verse, she erotically described the intensity of her affairs. Well, the intensity according to her. For instance, she was certain that Jack spiced up his letters to her with hidden sexual innuendo (Jack and Joy started a correspondence soon after Joy’s conversion).

Can anyone successfully hide while writing a poem? It’s much easier to hide in a public address, a tweet, or even a journal entry. One word swiftly tips our hand. While verse gives us an accurate snapshot of the poet’s soul, it doesn’t necessarily portray anyone else. For example, Jack never wrote anything remotely sexually suggestive in his letters. So Joy ends up looking, once again, rather silly.

Her exercise of writing poetry, confessing her fantasies, wasn’t just a verbal dump. It was also Joy’s discipline, and a risky one. She was fervently concerned with understanding and even curbing her own desires. After her conversion to Christianity, Joy’s intensity turns toward learning to love, even Jack who she felt certain had spurned her. It must have been remarkable to watch her svelte mind curb to the byways of Christianity. Her poetry gives us a glimpse at that crucible.

Joy had a knack for offending while bedazzling others. J.R.R. Tolkien was frankly disgusted with her manner and proprietary behavior toward Jack. Clearly, Joy was Jack’s intellectual equal, but in terms of emotional intelligence, she surpassed him. Nothing dimmed Joy’s panther-like intuition and, until her death, she offered Jack the best gift of a life partner: the honesty and insistence that they be themselves with one another. I suppose they lived “real authenticity” before their time.

Joy could see in a flash when Jack hadn’t plumbed into the heart of the problems he articulated.

Joy’s brainstorming conversation with Jack about remaking of the myth of Psyche led to Lewis’ most critically acclaimed novel, Til We Have Faces. Their romance and consummation gave Lewis the lived experience to write knowingly about eros in The Four Loves. And, as these are some of the best works of Lewis, I have no doubt that Joy’s influence on Lewis awakened him to become less cerebral and more fully human.

Still, all the gifts she brought Jack, she still deceived him. Santamaria unveils that Joy created a story that she was a victim of spousal abuse. The fact that few know the truth attests to Joy’s enduring power to micro-market her own legacy. Few who knew her husband, David Gresham, believe the story Joy circulated, that he strangled and beat her. Santamaria finally sets the record straight.

I was impressed with Santamaria’s courage to examine and attest to the role Joy’s deception played in C.S. Lewis’ life as well as the longterm consequences in her ex-husband’s estrangement from his sons. I’ll leave it to you to read the story yourself, and let you discover what finally moved Jack to consummate a marriage he made, as he told close friends, out of obligatory reasons.

I suppose it is my own idealism that wanted a more sophisticated or at least tactful bride for C.S. Lewis. But in her honesty and vulnerability, Jack saw Joy as modern and feminine. And in the end, they struck me as a fascinating couple, one I’d want to watch from a proximate, but not bordering table. They faced Joy’s death without bemoaning their limited time together. In that I believe Shadowlands accurately shows them in their strength. They played scrabble (“words in any language were fair game”) until the night before her death.

I picked up Joy because it came highly recommended from my cousin, Ralph Blair. Those who’ve taken my eCourse, God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian, will recognize Ralph’s name as my evangelical, gay psychotherapist who I look to as an expert on the history of the evangelicals.

I am indebted to Abigail Santamaria for kindling my love for biographies. I unreservedly recommend Joy: Poet, Seeker, and the Woman Who Captivated C.S. Lewis. For there is no better cure for idealism (and idealistic movements, such as the purity culture, from which I’ve come) than an unaffected story of a life. That’s when truth has a chance to come out to play.

For another review of Joy, see the New York Times’ Mark Oppenheimer. You just might perceive the condescension.

I Used to Hate My Arms

photo credit: TreeChangeDolls

How comfortable do you feel when you see yourself show up in the mirror? We will tackle the shame so many of us feel about our bodies in my next eCourse, “Comfortable in Your Own Skin” (running just in time for you to enjoy as the kids go back to school! 8/25-9/4). Join Dale and me for these 10 days of learning to appreciate the body God gave you. 

Today’s post is written by Savvy Wolfson, a Freedom Builders in our community. Savvy’s tenacious grip on spiritual formation means she faithfully tackles hard question like, “Why do I hate looking at myself in the mirror?” I asked her to share a formation exercise, one that I also practice, with us.  You’ll notice that she begins by taking inventory of social media. We’ll practice taking similar inventory in Comfortable in Your Own Skin starting next Thursday. 

A while back, I did something I rarely do.

I picked up a magazine from the grocery store checkout and thumbed through the pictures.

I was struck with how thin everybody looked.

That had never stood out to me before–I thought of ultra thin as the status quo and compared myself to it.

Let me be clear, I don’t have a problem with thin bodies, but what stood out to me was that they were the only bodies represented. This surprised me, so I wondered,

“What has changed in me?”

It didn’t take long before I realized I had made some intense progress in loving my body simply by changing the media I consume. I started following photography, storytelling, and fashion blogs because I love filling my day with beautiful things. Over time, my social media started overflowing with women of different races and body types and seasons of life.

Pre-baby, white bodies were no longer the status quo for beauty standards in my head.

I want to state it again, I find nothing wrong with thin, white bodies. Quite the opposite. You will not hear me bashing one body type over another. I do have problems with slogans that discriminate against thin people in the name of Feminism and body acceptance, like “A real woman has curves,” or hearing, “She really needs a hamburger. Ew.” That is not body acceptance, nor is it kind. Many women are naturally thin, and that is how God made them. They are worthy of love and belonging, just like a plus-sized woman is.

I do have a problem with one body type being considered the ultimate beauty standard, and all others being judged by how well they fit a mold that is not even possible for them.

Even when I was a frequent gym-goer, I still had my mother’s arms. They jiggle no matter how strong I get. They’re chubby. For as long as I can remember, and at every size I can remember, fat collected under my triceps and hung down when my arm was extended. That’s not ever going to change. I remember they were one of the first things another girl at youth group teased me about. And now I’m starting to think they’re cute.

I’m learning to like my arms because they’re my own instead of comparing them to a slender supermodel’s arms.

With practice and intention, I’m learning that all body types can become normal. Because that’s what they are. Normal.

Another change I’ve noticed in myself is not feeling shock or chagrin over the many interesting functions a woman’s body has. I’m sure this is also due, in part, to the type of media I consume, including breastfeeding blogs and birth photography. Now, I feel about as much shame surrounding periods or orgasm as I do sneezing or breathing. Reproductive and pleasurable body functions have all been filed into the category of “things bodies do,” instead of “things bodies do that we pretend never happen to us.”



Jonalyn has invited me to share a few of the pages and blogs I started following. Please keep in mind that you’ll find nudity in some of them. Adult viewing recommended.

Jonalyn’s note: If nudity in photography doesn’t seems wise for you, I recommend you haunt a few art galleries, check out some art books or just search for art from early centuries (google: Renaissance nudes). “The Birth of Venus” by Botticelli is one of my favorites. You can set your favorite as your wallpaper on your home page. Notice what changes in you. 

Savvy’s Sources

Tess Holiday

An oh-so-glamorous and accomplished model, unapologetically herself, just gave birth, and size 22.

My Natural Sistas

I’ve already written a post for RubySlippers about learning to own my hair. This Facebook page is a space dedicated to celebrating natural black hair. But the principle applies to any curly girls out there. As a woman who did not grow up with much diversity, I had no idea the ordeal that black women go through when they try to conform their hair to white cultural standards of beauty by reigning in their curly power. Sometimes, it is even forced, like at school or in the workplace, where natural black hair is often called dirty or unprofessional. I love listening to to the hair stories black women tell, especially when it includes a triumphant journey to accepting their natural, God-given hair.

Tree Change Dolls (before and after dolls pictured above)

This is an artist who remakes trashed fashion dolls to give them a more natural, authentic-to-childhood look. She offers free video tutorials on how to repaint their faces. I even repainted one of my children’s Barbies, then got together with a friend to save some trashed thrift store dolls! My favorite part is that Sonia Singh’s tutorials encourage imperfection. If you don’t get the eyebrow arch perfect, you can hear her instructions ringing in your ears–that we all have these little quirks and no one’s face is perfectly symmetrical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Mighty Girl

This is a resource for parents and teachers to pass along to kids, but I even like it for myself. Powerful stories about women and girls come up in my newsfeed, but their website also has lists of socially conscious books, music, toys, movies, and clothing recommendations for kids, separated by age levels.

Jade Beall Photography

A photographer dedicated to displaying the everyday beauty of human beings, whether they’re pregnant, breastfeeding, postpartum, disabled, elderly, etc. She has a particular interest in the bodies of mothers. Her work stops me in my tracks. (Her website linked above is not safe for work–NSFW, as there is plenty of nudity.)

Plus Model Magazine

A mag that doesn’t deny that plus-size women can be  fashionable.

Humans of New York

A photographer with a particular skill of drawing people out to tell their own stories. From inmates, to refugees and happy couples, everyone is represented here.



Birth Without Fear

Did you know that birth is normal? The specifics of birth were a taboo subject where I came from. This is a blog dedicated to removing shame and fear surrounding birth by letting women tell their stories. Their Facebook description reads, “Birth is not a competition. A Birth Without Fear is different for each mother. How one woman births doesn’t make her better than another. How one woman births doesn’t make her less than another. It is HER birth and hers alone. It’s not to be ridiculed or mocked. It’s not to be held up for comparison. Each woman’s birth belongs to her. Each woman’s story is valid. Each woman’s choice is to be respected. Everyone woman deserves support. Birth is sacred and leaves an imprint that settles deep within a woman’s soul and that is marvelous.” (Also NSFW)



Phoebe Wahl

Phoebe Wahl is my favorite artist. Her work is close to nature, sometimes magical, sometimes celebrating the everyday. I especially love that she draws both men and women in nurturing roles. I bought a Phoebe Wahl valentine for myself this year (pic below). 

Jane McCrae Photography

A birth photographer who often captures women’s deep strength and triumph in motherhood. (Another NSFW)

Vintageortacky

A plus-size vlogger who loves fashion. She teaches makeup tutorials, posts cute outfits, and reviews beauty products.



Do you follow any artists who see beauty in variety? What ways do you practice self-acceptance? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

Savannah Wolfson is an empathizing, tree-hugging, lucky in love, play-at-home mom to two under two. She’s also a faithful supporter of Soulation, a FreedomBuilder, and a friend. Her other RubySlippers posts include My Hair is My Glory and Women Who Breastfeed in Church. 

Teaching Children About Racism

It takes so much courage today to have a baby, to realize that as certain as our DNA codes them for curly hair or lanky limbs, we code them to believe lies.

Lies that we don’t realize are lies.

As surely as we seal new healthy habits into our children, we seal in goofy ideas. Parenting is the predominant delivery system for original sin (Do You Believe in Original Sin?). We spoon-feed the myths to our kids. This week, I’ve been leading an eCourse about what gender myths we inhaled with our baby food over at Corsets & Ties. Part of becoming an adult is identifying those lies.

Regularly, I realize I believed a lie just a few weeks ago. I used to believe, “My child will not be racist or sexist.” or “My son will be safe from bullies.”

Wrong and wrong again.

But, there’s always hope to make things a little better.

I noticed my son wasn’t too keen on interacting with the check-out guys at our grocery store. Concerned and wondering if it was “stranger danger” or simply an unusual looking person to him, I began to pull together a unit on racism.

The “unit” language makes it sound pretty glossy and official, when it’s not. My unit is actually just a movie, some books and lots of questions. Here’s what I gathered.

We started with a movie, “Babies”, (free on Vimeo) since we have a new baby in our home. We watched the Namibian, Mongolian, Japanese and American babies adorable antics. We paused the movie at each new location to look up the country on an old, but humongous map.

Questions I asked “Can you imagine wearing just a string?” and “Why is his brother hitting him?”

We watched it as long as my son remained engaged. 10-15 minutes here and there. He’s rarely excited until we get into it. We’re still not done watching, but each time our son would call out the home (“That’s Tokyo!”) of each growing baby. And we laugh and shake our heads or squeal with delight at the surprising differences.

Conversations we had,

Q: “Why does he have so many flies on him?”

A: “They have a lot of flies in their town.”

Q: “I can see his PRIVATES!”

A: “They probably don’t put a diaper on him because they don’t have diapers or a washing machine. But look how happy he is to be walking around!”

Q: “They’re not using forks!”

A: “You’re right, everyone eats out of the same bowl.”

It was important to me to let him observe first. To let him hear me and my husband noting differences.

I also found some books on racism that told stories of oppression without caricatures. That criteria, I found, it rather rare, but priceless.

Refusing to caricature is part of the battle against racism and it takes its own form of courage.

I despise caricatures everywhere except in cartoons. It is too easy to caricature history’s losers. In American most of us don’t know why slaveholders kept slaves (The economic advantages are only part of the story. Whites relied on slaves for most of what they valued. As my son gets older I’ll be telling him that slave holders kept slaves because they thought black people were less human than they were. Many thought they were keeping God’s order for things, because they thought the Bible supported slavery. I’ll have the passages on Cain’s mark and Paul’s words about Philemon on hand).

In the coming years, I’ll be asking my son if he’s every noticed how he feels around people who look or act differently from him. We all have the seeds of racism within us. We are all afraid of the other.

Unless you listen to history’s losers, unless you can understand (and teach children) that people did foolish things for reasons that seemed good, you are not really teaching the lessons of history.

I want my sons to know why Hitler appealed to the German people, why the south fought to keep their slaves, why many Christians stand against gay marriage. I want him to know the nuance of the issues, how to use the tools of reason, prayer, self-awareness and humility. But most of these tools are not being taught at public schools. That’s why these units must begin at home.

And let me be honest, I never formalized this time. I never said “Let’s read a book about racism today!” Instead, I said, “I have a story to tell you.”

I started with Dr. Seuss’ story, The Sneetches, about bird-like creatures with stars on their bellies (There’s also a video). They act superior to those Sneetches without stars on “thars”. When an opportunistic Sylvester McMonkey McBean comes with his machine to fix the Sneetches’ star troubles, my son was delighted. McBean and his machine seemed so helpful, so kind. But, like The Cat in the Hat, the chaos grows as the originally starred Sneetches realize they look just like their newly starred enemies. So they remove their stars. And back and forth until no one can tell themselves apart. And guess who gets rich off their insecurity? Well, it was a parable for me of both the left and the right who profit over division, marginalization, and identity politics. Of course, I didn’t bring that up with my son. It was enough to realize that a star on your belly wasn’t enough to exclude to those without stars. Lesson learned.

Second, I reviewed the story of 15-year-old Elizabeth Eckford and Hazel Bryan, and told it to my son while we were making mac-n-cheese. I simplified it a lot. He was dialed in. Why wouldn’t they let her go to school? he asked. Because she had black skin, I told him. When we were done, I let the silence sit for a bit. I asked him if he wanted to see a picture of Elizabeth.

His eyes grew wide, “This story is real?”

I showed him the pictures from Little Rock Girl 1957: How a Photograph Changed The Fight for Integration. My husband, Dale, had already been reading I am Rosa Parks by Brad Melzer (a basic book that unfortunately leaves our Parks’ faith), so my son knew that stories that start with cartoons can end with real life pictures.

In my hunt for good books, I was constantly concerned with including the Christian beliefs and motivation of so many African Americans. I want my son to understand the source of their and white abolitionists’ courage. I had to use the free Interlibrary Loan service to find one. If you don’t do this, it’s important to start learning how, as most libraries reflect the political beliefs of the chief librarians, not necessarily your beliefs.

The book that moved me to tears was The Story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles, a child psychiatrist and Pulitzer-Prize winning author who believes children have both moral and political lives. The Story of Ruby Bridges is the best book on courage in the face of racism that I’ve found. This book explains how you gain the strength to stand against your dominant culture. Ruby’s courage is refreshingly grounded in Jesus’ example and his power to help her.

I used Thanks a Million by Nikki Grimes to expose my son to the different colors of skin and different challenges that he doesn’t face every day. And yet, Grimes, as any good author, knows that even the most protected six-year old has enough pain to identity with her themes. And my son did. The poems in Grimes’ book cover homelessness, siblings, learning difficulties, lessons from the deaf, good authors, friendship, fatherhood and God.

I also used Henry’s Freedom Box: A True Story from the Underground Railroad and The Other Side. Both well illustrated and honest stories that refused to demonize either side.

Now it’s your turn.

What ways do you work on the virtue of understanding both sides in history?
What resources do you rely on?
What are some of the ways you teach kids about racism?

Be a Man

Remember the lyrics from Disney’s cross-dressing Mulan and her battle song “Be a Man“? Her cross-dressing number to “be a man” puts just enough ironic spin on this puzzling command to boys everywhere. How are you supposed to be a man? Swift as a river, force of a typhoon, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Great. Crystal clear.

Most of us feel the temptation to answer the “How to be a man?” question by exaggerating gender differences. Just be really strong and stoic and aggressive and in control. Don’t cry, be strong, be silent, be powerful. Have we mentioned be strong? It’s kind of important.

Everyone is tempted to make masculinity stronger than femininity.  Christians do it, as well as secularists.

I’ve been dabbling in cartooning lately and noticed it’s a temptation here, too. To make a man look strong you exaggerate his hips (smaller), his biceps (rounder), his chest (wider).  How many male heroes have you seen with big hips? To make a woman superhero, you exaggerate, too. There are no super hero females with AA breasts.

While I am an essentialist (believing differences exist between the sexes), I’m certain there aren’t quite as many differences as some “biblical” forms of manhood and womanhood sketch out. I don’t require men act or look like a super hero to be a “real man”.  I don’t require men to rescue me more than I rescue them. I don’t need my husband to lead me in my spiritual walk or make all final decisions in our marriage. 

If the state of current gender roles bothers you, too, consider joining “Corsets and Ties” this week. We will be LIVE on Soulation’s Facebook page with our first session this Thursday, June 16, 8:45pm MT. I will share why so many women want men to rescue them. Join us to find out how to dissolve current gender myths with some refreshing reminders of what the Bible really teaches. 

Onto my guest post* written by Karl Wheeler, husband, father, pastor whose insight led me to interview him for “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian” eCourse (enrolling now). His persistent vulnerability as a recovering alcoholic have won my respect in many challenging Christian conversations. Karl is also versed in the strengths and failings of the evangelical culture as he  has stood alongside famous leaders evangelicals (both conservative and progressive). He shares below about the troubling legacy of Promise Keepers and American masculinity. Karl will join us in the comments. 

While I have heard a thousand times that men need to start  “having some balls” (a statement I have never fully understood) I have never heard of a woman being admonished to “have some ovaries.” Wouldn’t that make equal sense?

Here is an actual sentence I heard from a Christian leader in a previous church where I worked: “She has more balls than most of you men in this room.”

Translation: She has courage, and as a female that is peculiar; but as men it should come naturally to you. Shame on you for having a woman show more courage than you.

I once spoke at a Promise Keepers (PK) event with 10,000 men in attendance. In fairness, my friend, who PK really wanted to hear from, was unable to speak so he asked me to fill in for him.

The event traumatized me. This is my summary of it:

Because you have a penis, you are special.
God has a special mission for you–go find some ovaries and get them to see how special you are.
Be nice to the ovaries, but remember they want you to “lead them” because ovaries apparently get lost easily.

My last post (Jesus the Wuss) generated some strong reactions, online and offline, alike. The crux of the disagreement over my take on Jesus and masculinity has to do with the perception by some that the church is attempting to emasculate men. I have heard that claim for the past 20 years.

The response to the emasculation of men in the church usually goes something like this — men are supposed to “reject passivity” and develop the following characteristics:

a strong backbone–a sense of moral conviction,
courage in the face of opposition,
the ability to lead by setting a strong example of moral purity and devotion to Christ,
taking the initiative in matters of faith
a servant’s heart (do “her” job- dishes, cleaning, child-care)
a desire to rescue women

REMIND ME, WHY ARE THESE MALE QUALITIES?

They are exactly the same qualities I see in my wife, April, the most important woman in my life. April has on numerous occasions saved my ass. She has swooped in, and with courage, backbone and the ability to rescue has shown me a better way. I would hope that I could return the favor.

I also co-pastor with my friend Kathy Escobar, and on numerous occasions I have seen her face opposition with amazing courage and resolve. I hope I do the same.

I have learned to be sober, chaste and caring by learning from both men and women. If I only learned those things from other men, I would only be half the man I am.

I read, in a very popular book of the last decade, that men are made to be wild and they need a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue. But don’t women want to overcome, live adventurously, and find someone to love? And about the whole rescuer/rescuee thing, shouldn’t a man at least ask permission before he assumes a woman wants to be rescued? And what happens when a man finds himself in deep doo-doo? Can’t a woman help a brother out?

I never worry about whether I am man enough. It never crosses my mind. I am a man.  That is enough for me. The only common trait I have found among all men is that they all have a penis. Because most men have a certain trait, does not make that trait desirable, exclusive of women or a prerequisite to being a man.

I have never heard my wife complain that I wasn’t manly, only that I was acting like a butthole. In my experience, that condition is common to both sexes.

*originally published at Karl’s blog “Show Some Ovaries“

The Fringe Benefits of Failure

I found this rousing moment in Very Good Lives, which is a short book holding Rowling’s commencement address to the students of Harvard University.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.  Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

— J.K. Rowling

In this speech Rowling includes references that only a person familiar with Scripture would use. Even in this quote she’s hinting at Jesus’ parable to build on the rock. That’s because, even though many in the church feared and avoided her books, Rowling’s relationship with Christianity influenced her work. You can see her teaching Christian ideas in her fiction and in this speech.

During my last pregnancy, when the nausea continued into the second and third trimester, I read Rowling’s Harry Potter series. They held a light for me in those dark days before our second son arrived.  She reminded me through her fiction that grief often precedes growth. Like Harry Potter himself, Rowling knows that private acts of failure can sharpen our vision. They can show us what we really want.

How many of you would agree that failure can bring unknown benefits?

If you want to find a community who values your failures as a new foundation to grow, consider the Freedom Builders Community, where I pastor.

Come Back to Your Body

There is a Bible verse that can sound scary, almost like bodily autonomy doesn’t matter to God.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you,

whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

For you have been bought with a price:

therefore glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

If you are an abuse survivor it can sound like God wants to take your autonomy. For the sexually abused, this verse can serve as a reminder that in the most precious and private parts of their body, their privacy and choice did not matter. Their body was bought with a price by their abuser.

Can you imagine the fear that this verse could produce, a fear that God might want to overwhelm our will?

As this series is about the way the Bible has been twisted to justify sexual abuse and sexual shame, I’m going to focus on how this verse (improperly understood) can decimate a sexual abuse survivor.

Choice is very precious to all those who feel marginalized. Sexual abuse violates how a survivor belongs to herself and to others in her community. The improper relating of sexual abuse (abuser/victim) makes it hard to imagine that “my choice matters” (See the inclusive, rhetorical brilliance in the pro-abortion movement’s slogan “Pro-Choice”?). Sexual abuse victims’ current social patterns may still feel forced. They may be unable to choose on their own. This is because their pressured “agreement”, trembling or fighting body, even their cries did nothing to stop the abuse. They wonder if their “No” can every be properly respected.

Can a survivor recover agency when their power to say “No” was not respected? Does their “No” really matter? Many survivors fail to recover their capacity to choose, to insist that their boundaries ought to be respected.

To heal must include a chance for the abused to come back to their bodies, to come back to enjoying their desires, to come back to owning their beliefs, feelings and choices.

So when we, as well meaning Christians, preach this passage from 1 Corinthians as good news, many survivors simply hear that God, like their abuser, wants to take their body for his purposes.

Just as their abuser bought their body with force, seduction or manipulation, so God has bought their body for his benefit.

And since the majority of abusers are stronger, larger, often masculine, often in authority, sexually abused find their metaphor of authority and power completely polluted. They easily can believe that God, as the ultimate authority, must also be manipulative, hurtful, invasive. This is why I ask pastors and Christian leaders to use the TNIV or other gender accurate translations when preaching. Exclusive use of male metaphors (as in King, Lord, Father, Son) will continue to isolate survivors. (For examples of Biblical passages with feminine metaphors for God see Chapter 6 in my book Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home). We must be careful that our interpretations of Scripture communicate that God is neither authoritarian, domineering or overpowering.

With the ratio of sexual abuse so high (1:3 women, 1:6 men), is it any wonder we have so much confusion about power and authority today?

So what does Paul mean in this passage? In context, Paul is focused on our value as humans. God wants to be for us, to raise us up (see verse 14), to renew our body’s potency and life. We are, in Paul’s words, a sanctuary, a holy place (see verse 19). Our body is holy ground and doesn’t belong to others (in verse 16 Paul mentions harlots, but he means anyone we’ve “done it” with who is not our lifelong spouse). God wants us to be using our body for uniting with good, lasting love. For sex outside of God’s protective boundaries (one partner for life) harms our bodies (verse 18).

In fact, illicit sex (whether chosen or perpetrated upon us) harms us in a way no other sin does.

This gives theological teeth to the feelings sexual abuse victims endure, of being used, of violation and destruction.

Paul knows that sexual sin harms our own bodies. This is as true when sexual sin is committed against you as when you join in willingly. As I explained in Part 1, sexual abuse feels like someone tracked dog poop through your house then left. You are left cleaning it up, ashamed that your home smells so horrid.  Paul’s metaphor lets us see sexual abuse as desecration to the sanctuary of God. This is abuse that God wants to help you overcome.

Paul’s words of “bought with a price” refer specifically to the price of crucifixion that Jesus paid to free us. Notice the beautiful verse just a few verses before, “God is for the body” (1 Cor 6:13). What a hopeful, nourishing thought! That God wants to help us realize the enduring value of our body. We’re not trying to escape the body, not trying to pretend sexual sin or sexual violation or sexual pleasure did not happen. Instead, Paul wants us to try to show the world what God is like (or glorify God) with our bodies.

I like to put it this way, “What would God do in your body?”

If you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, “What would God do with the body that other’s abused? How would God care for, heal, restore faith in your body’s beauty? How does God show the world more power by the way I wrestle with the evil that was done to me?”

It’s not simply “forgive and forget” (I covered that Christianese myth in Part 1). Stewarding our body, its wounds and victories, is part of glorifying God with our bodies.

We are not our own in that we have joined ourselves with the ultimate power in the universe to heal from the evil in this world. And this evil includes all sexual abuse.

“Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through his power.” We are part of the Messiah’s plan. This world’s evil is not the end.

For those pastoring the sexually abused, let me leave you with a better verse to use to share God’s power to heal. This comes from David, who knew both sexual sin and sexual shame.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget none of His benefits;

Who pardons all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases;

Who redeems your life from the pit,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;

Who satisfies your years with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

(Psalm 103:4-5).

Read more posts about sexual abuse and recovery. 

This is Part 3 in our series of how the Bible can be twisted to silence sexual abuse survivors. Read on to see the comfort Scripture can offer when read in context. Help free the Bible to speak the truth God brings by sharing this post. Part 1 and Part 2

If you (or someone you care about) has suffered through sexual abuse, consider the patient and careful work of therapy to help you reintegrate what you have lost.  If you are nervous to start therapy (and who isn’t?!), see my post “How to Find the Right Therapist.” If you have suffered at the hands of “biblical” counselors, see Dale’s post “Does Biblical Counseling Bring the Freedom You Need?”

I can highly recommend the following licensed therapists as I know them personally. Regions they service are listed first.

Los Angeles, Orange County –   – 720 897-5277

Virginia, Texas, Colorado – Dr. Sally Falwell – 214-810-1718 – sfalwell@legacyacc.com

Seattle –   – 425-487-1005, xt 213 – RMoore@meierclinics.com

All verses are in the New American Standard Version.

Does Jesus want Christians to Forget about Abuse?

Sexual abuse and spiritual abuse often link arms to harm thousands of men and women.  When a man teaches you that God put him in authority over you, and then asks you to compromise your sexual privacy, you have the magic combination. This is sexual and spiritual abuse working together. Too many women (and men) face this cocktail of abuse. Their bodies remember the fear, their souls remain poisoned by their abusers unless they begin to share their story. 

It’s the ones who talk about what happened that get better. The ones who stay mute self-poison from the inside.

For those of us who want to help them, we need to know about how to listen. Too quickly, we give them Bible verses without explaining the Scriptural text. Before we open our Bibles, we need to live the Scripture’s message. For what most survivors need is to see us become their community of suffering (Phil 2). They need us to become the fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers to listen and value their stories. This is especially true if they have been sexually abused in their own home. 

And we must be wary of how the Bible has already been twisted to mean something God never intended.

Read about Verse 1 here Take Two Verses and Call Me in the Morning. Let me share another Biblical passage that we don’t realize harms the sexually abused.   

2 Corinthians 5:17  

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”

Memory is tricky to understand with abuse survivors. Some survivors cannot forget the details, what their abuser smelled like, what he (or she) was wearing, what their body did, how they felt afterwards.  For other survivors, forgetting can save their sanity especially while they’re simply enduring molestation in silence. 

But, in their adult years, the grown child’s fragmented pieces must come together, the adult must bring her wisdom and empathy into the false messages she learned to survive as a child. If not, borderline personality disorders, major anxiety, depressive episodes, and chronic bouts with suicide will be inevitable.  In helping abused, we never want their fragmented memories to feel uglier than the memories already are. We want to encourage them to bring the broken threads to the Great Counselor, who can reweave the most damaged tapestries. But we will derail their healing by rushing them to forget the past. And we prohibit integration by pushing the message of 2 Corinthians 5:17 prematurely.

Here’s how 2 Corinthians 5:17 becomes spiritual abuse.

Because of Christ’s sacrifice, you never have to think about that memory again. Let the past be in the past. There’s nothing you can do about it.  Christianity is a new start for you. God sees you as a new creature.  Aren’t you glad you don’t have to worry about that anymore?

This is how we slam shut their doors of memory. This is how we make Jesus bless amnesia. Forbidden is the hard and worthy work of reintegrating the fragmented memories with the present.

Some of you might be thinking, “But I don’t know how to help someone reintegrate the past.”

That’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to know what to do to listen and then recommend that their story deserves the professional help of a licensed counselor (How to Find the Right Therapist). Your main job is not to push them to give lip service to being “all better” because of Christ.  Do not rush healing, do not rush or minimize their story.

It will never be “all better” unless they can get all the poison, all the shards out. And Jesus is waiting to listen, too, with open ears. Be like Jesus to the sexually abused.

Let me illustrate. Sexual abuse is like someone coming tracking dog poop through your home. Then, they leave. Your carpets smell, your floors are disgusting, you slip and smell the stench every minute of ever day. If you’ve been sexually abused, you are left with the work of cleaning up the mess, to see how far it goes (What?! It’s in my closet, too?). Survivors must clean it up. But, they need the reminder that the clean-up work and the stench is not their fault.

It doesn’t help for people to come to visit and say “Stop thinking about the smell and just enjoy the sunshine outside!” or “You just need a new coat of paint and you’ll feel better!”  or “Are you sure he meant to do that to you? Maybe there’s just some misunderstanding.” 

But, if you wallpaper over the mess with a flowered print, guess what? It still stinks.

The same is true of sexual abuse.

Ignoring or attempting to forget the violation does not clean up the mess.

In the 1 Corinthians context, Paul is not advocating living in denial, he is not suggesting we forget anything. Instead he’s saying old habits (including denial) don’t have to remain your day-to-day way of life.

You can speak the truth, you can face the pain because God is with you in this new life. And the new life must make sense of the old memories. The Christian story this is because the God who bears scars is at your side.  

If you’re curious how this works, please sign up to meet me for eMentoring. 

Instead of making Jesus the cheerleader of amnesia, let Jesus be their Prince of Peace. Not by saying “peace” where there is no peace, but by pursuing the Biblical ideals of peace always include putting all things in their proper places. It always begins with honesty and admission. For you cannot begin to forgive unless you know precisely what you’re forgiving. 

Use other verses to show God’s capacity to understand their pain, such as Isaiah 53:3. Here you’ll find a more appropriate verse to share on the depth of understanding that comes from being “in Christ.” You can suggest that Jesus knows what it means to feel dirty and outcast because of another’s sin. 

He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;

And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised.

As Paul explains (just a few verses after saying we are new creatures) in 2 Corinthians 5:21.

He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

Jesus became sin to free us, not from the memories of the past, but from the damage of the past. Proclaim that hope instead of hiding abuse and you’ll see more people finding freedom.

To read another verse that gets twisted see Take Two Verses and Call Me in the Morning.

Photo credit: Artflakes.com

Take Two Verses and Call Me In the Morning

A college student once asked me how God could allow Scripture to hurt people. “God’s too powerful to allow his Word to be abused,” the young woman pointed out.

We evangelicals have such a reverence for Scripture that we assume that the Bible can never be manipulated. We defend this evangelical idea with passages like Isaiah 55:11

So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Out of context, Isaiah sounds like a “Get out of jail free” pass. It sounds like the Bible will always do what God wants (comfort, heal, restore, save). Maybe you’ve thought this, too. Just get a Bible verse in and God will make the seed grow. It’s not our fault if the recipient doesn’t follow God; they were just rocky, or thorny, or shallow soil. The Bible becomes our “parting shot” to ensure we are giving God a chance to “accomplish what he desires” in their lives. But, the Bible doesn’t work like this.

God’s words can be used to tempt and harm others. That’s how spiritual abuse works. Spiritual abuse uses God’s word and God’s reputation to do our own dirty work.  Satan was a masterful spiritual abuser. He used Scripture to tempt Jesus (see Matthew 4). So we know it’s possible. But spiritual abuse can happen by anyone who takes God’s name (and word) in vain.

But not for me, you might think. I love the Bible. I care about God and his church. I want to help others. 

Despite our hope to help, we can misuse the Bible. I want to share a specific verse we often misuse. Even when we intend to comfort, if we’re not careful, we can accidentally re-victimize others with this passage. We need more than good intentions to use the Bible well. The Bible is a sword (as Hebrews 4:12 puts it), we must wield it carefully. God doesn’t want us to swing this sword incautiously, especially around peoples’ hearts.

A Dangerous Cocktail

Sexual abuse and spiritual abuse often link arms to harm thousands of men and women. When a man teaches you that to obey his authority is God’s will and then asks you to compromise your sexual privacy, you have sexual and spiritual abuse working together. Too many women (and men) face this cocktail of abuse. It leaves them disintegrated in their souls (psychologists call this disassociation) and disconnected from other Christians (many cannot step foot in churches where the abuse took place or the abusers remain empowered). These powerful souls (for spiritual and sexual abuse often targets the most sensitive to God) are in our communities. If that’s you, please take a moment to consider how we at Soulation can help you come home to your faith (Check out Freedom Builders, the safe Christian community where I pastor and uproot spiritual abuse).

If you know sexual abuse survivors, you know the desire to help. Sometimes we rush in too quickly. And our advice can sound like we’re saying, “Take two verses and call me in the morning.” Instead, what most survivors need is the experience of us entering their suffering.

Survivors need to know that Paul’s words about a “fellowship of sufferings” mean their tears and depression won’t scare us into fixing them (Phil 3:10). They need us to become the fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers to listen and value their stories.

If we really want to help, we must become more sensitive to our habit of prescribing the Bible without listening closely. We never want to interrupt a person’s sexual abuse story with a neat and tidy Bible verse. I’ve gathered three Biblical passages that we need to use more cautiously, not because the Bible fails to be useful and good, but because the Bible has been twisted to mean something it doesn’t. Please know that I still believe the Bible is true and inspired by God. I also believe we must ask God for wisdom about how and when to quote his words. There are, of course, many good verses to share with anyone who’s experienced sexual abuse. Look for one of my favorites below.

Verse 1

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

It wasn’t a faceless disease or natural disaster that ripped the sexual abuse survivor’s world apart; it was a human. In 50% of sexual abuse cases, this human was a family member. So sexual abuse is an incest problem much before it’s a “stranger-danger” problem. The intimacy of this problem is perhaps what keeps so many from facing it.

Incest is something no one really jumps up to discuss. Incest brings up all kinds of unresolved questions about our own sexual awakening, mistakes, victimization, exploitation and parenting. Philippians 4:8 can tempt us to (falsely) think the best way out of incest is to stop thinking about it. Just quote Paul’s “Think only on what is honorable, pure, lovely.” Presto, God doesn’t want you to think about your pain anymore. We make the verse say, “If you ignore the wounds, you’ll be healed.” We make God complicit in denial. 

It works like this:

Honey, incest isn’t honorable or pure or lovely. So, stop dwelling on it. Keep whatever horrific thing you endured to yourself. No one wants to hear how your uncle fondled your breasts when you were a teenager.

And that “no one” seems to include God. Those italicized words, often spoken as a helpful hint, are actually a honey-coated version of sexual and spiritual abuse. It leaves the survivor stuck without recourse to human or God’s help.  This beautiful verse ends up misinterpreted and silencing the suffering. It’s a lie to imagine that Paul only wanted us living in denial like UniKitty in The Lego Movie. See how the verse becomes propaganda? Brainwashing survivors to forget Paul’s first criteria. “Think about whatever is true.”

Did your uncle touch you like that? Did your father ask you to do that? Then, your sexual abuse truly happened. And God will be at your side as you find the courage to think about it, he will walk with you to find someone (see the resources below) to help you out of this life-shattering event.

It was the abuser who chose to act unlovely, impure, and without good report. The keeper of this verse exposes the abuse with the light.

For when light exposes darkness, the light is always pure, lovely, and of good report. That’s what Paul intended when he wrote Philippians, but that’s not how survivors hear his words. 

In reality, I know the God of Israel isn’t as shocked as we are with incest. When you read the Bible, you see incest for what it is. God doesn’t sweep sexual immorality under the rug. The Bible forbids incest in all its forms and show the generational devastation of its shameful effects. The Bible also shows how God helps victims heal. It starts with loving God and letting this pure and trustworthy love enter your life. 

God wants you to let his love shine on those most shameful and buried memories so he can restore what the abuser took from you. In fact, if you’ve been broken by abuse, God says he is near to you BECAUSE you’re broken. See Psalm 147:3:

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

If you (or someone you care about) has suffered through sexual abuse, consider the patient and careful work of therapy to help you reintegrate what you have lost.  If you are nervous to start therapy (and who isn’t?), see my post “How to Find the Right Therapist.” If you have suffered at the hands of “biblical” counselors, see Dale’s post “Does Biblical Counseling Bring the Freedom You Need?”

I can highly recommend the following licensed therapists as I know them personally. Regions they service are listed first.

Los Angeles, Orange County –   – 720 897-5277

Virginia, Texas, Colorado – Dr. Sally Falwell – 214-810-1718 – sfalwell@legacyacc.com

Seattle –   – 425-487-1005, xt 213 – RMoore@meierclinics.com

There are a few more verses I want to share that we misuse to silence the abuse victims in our communities. Next month, I’ll share the abuse of 2 Corinthians 5:17. It’s another verse sexual abuse victims hear differently than you might expect. Subscribe to my monthly posts at right so you don’t miss it.

All verses are in the New American Standard Version.