Jonalyn Fincher's Blog, page 5

Was Jesus Ever Your Champion?

In my interview with atheist and activist, Vyckie Garrison, I ask her about who Jesus was during her years as a submissive wife and mother of seven within the Quiverfull movement.  This video is Part 6 of our series.  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 6.

In this clip, Vyckie answers my question, “Did you ever feel like Jesus could be a champion (and not a bully) to you?”

In her answer, notice the Quiverful movement’s focus on “chapter and verse” in the Bible.  This was part of my upbringing, too. If you could find it in Scripture, you were in the right.  I studied the Bible for similar reasons, I wanted to find the truth.  But, in doing so, I found a different answer than Vyckie.

Vyckie explains more of the specific verses that kept her enslaved to “Jesus the bully” in Escape from Duggarville: How playing the good Christian housewife almost killed me (if you would like a response to any of the Biblical passages Vyckie uses, please ask in the comments).

When Vyckie cited 1 Timothy 2: 14 in our interview below, I could immediately relate to the feeling that as a woman I must be more easily deceived. That fear led me to dig into what other things God had to say about women and write my first book, Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. I also exposited what else Paul might mean in 1 Timothy 2:14 in this essay with Dale Fincher, “Unmuted: the Welcome Colors of a Woman’s Voice“. Be sure to scroll to the 1 Timothy 2 section. And click the link soon, for we’re moving this essay into a paid ebook soon.

In our interview Vyckie points out the necessity of a woman’s intuition. I agree with Vyckie that our intuition is such a necessary (and I would add God-given) gift for all humans. I was also told that my natural feelings and desires were not from God, I tended to trust verses such as

Proverbs 14:12 “There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death”

as a summary of God’s anthropology. But in college I came upon other verses in Scripture, like this one from

Ezekiel 11:19 “And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them. And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh.”

This passage changed my view of my own inherent value so deeply that I wore a heart shaped aventurine stone around my neck to remind myself. My heart is made of flesh, not of stone. I’ve becoming more human, again. 

I’ve come to see that God makes the deepest places in our souls tender and uniquely equipped to notice danger. I have re-visited some of the more simplistic ways I was taught the doctrine of original sin. I often think, if our hearts are so desperately and irredeemably wicked, then why would Jesus stand at the door of our heart, wasting his time to knock and knock and knock (Revelation 3:20). I believe Jesus sees something of worth within us humans. That’s another reason why I’m a Christian humanist.

As you watch this short video of Vyckie and I discuss the low view so many Christians have of humanity, notice how Vyckie’s view of Jesus as meek and milk, full of submission, and martyrdom prevented her from seeing Jesus as aggressive enough to be her champion. Do you ever struggle with seeing Jesus as too weak to protect you from abusive authorities?

If reading in email, view video here.

As always, all respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome. 

Refusing to Shame

Recently, late on a Friday night, when he is usually fast asleep, my son called me from his room. It was 10 pm and so I was surprised to find him sitting up and fully awake.

He recounted what amounted to none other than a shaming story from school.  He had said something innocent and honest about how babies are born, but was misunderstood to be engaging with the other boys in “potty talk” and was sent to the bathroom. He used the word “private” not vagina (a word he still doesn’t know). As he recounted the story, he asked me, “Did I say what was wrong, Mommy?”

I felt myself rise up with mama bear anger. I realized that even though I’m following my conscience and what I see to be honoring to God and his Word in communicating age appropriate sex education to my son, many in the world and in the church will not agree. They will want to silence him or send him to the bathroom.

I and my husband both had some good conversations with our five-year old that evening. We explained that what he said was not wrong. Rather, it was accurate, good truth about how babies are born. That night I called the school to leave a message for his teacher to give me a call. Then, more conversations that following Monday with his teachers on what had happened from their perspective. I requested an apology from the teachers who shamed him to be made to my son, so he could be restored to believe his words were not in fact inappropriate or dirty, that he was not wrong, or a potty mouth (at least not this time).

It was an ordeal for me to delve into my own shame to rescue him from his shame. It meant going public with our parenting philosophy. And it took time and energy, getting angry, getting calm, trying to fix the damage, explaining why we talk like that in our family, and what it means.   I received an apology from one teacher and felt deeply respected while I explained our perspective. My son also received an apology. Overall a good experience for us.

But, it reminded me how shame begins always in these young years. It reminded me how shame in our parenting stems from our own discomfort with our sexuality and earliest experiences. How we feel about our own privates is a good indicator of how our children will feel about theirs.  It reminded me how shame stays with us for years, which is why I’m re-introducing a Christian sex therapist I admire, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, and her definitions of shame and guilt.

In this quick, 4 minute clip, you’ll find out why shame can easily be confused with guilt and how you can tell the difference as you parent your children, and re-parent yourself.

For those who want more about why I believe answering your children’s questions direction and simply about sex ed, I recommend Stan and Brenna Jones’ book How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character .

It may also help to consider the words of Psalm 139: 13-14 in the New Living Translation,

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

This verse has, unfortunately, been so swiftly memorized in our youth (perhaps) that we don’t realize that even the facts of life are wonderful and marvelous. From our sexual organs, to our ear lobes, to our finger tips, God made us well, this even includes our thoughts and feelings, hopes and desires, beliefs and choices. God made us for goodness, and he will keep leading us out of our own pits of self-hatred and disgust.

Do Atheists Have Values?

This week, atheist and activist Vyckie Garrison shares some things that are hard to hear. Our interview continues in this Part 5 of our series.  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

I paired these two videos together because the first may make us Christians feel insulted. The second helps remind us of Vyckie’s humanity.

Watch Vyckie talk about how Jesus was an abusive bully. Her remarks originally appeared in this post at Alternet “Escape from Duggerville: How playing the good Christian housewife almost killed me (if you read the post and would like a response to some of the Biblical passages Vyckie uses, please ask in the comments).

Notice how Vyckie also believes in evil, and see if you can pinpoint her prime example of evil today?  I find it helpful to note that Jesus agrees with Vyckie’s example of evil (see these verses in Matthew 23:13-26).

If reading in email, view here.

The verse I use in response to Vyckie’s point that it is evil to abuse a mother’s love for her children can be found in Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:2, and Luke 17:2. If you read it in context, you’ll notice Jesus is talking to those of his followers who are craving power over others, something Jesus and all of his followers should be concerned to stamp out:

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”

One of the ways I work to end spiritual abuse is in hosting classes and community at Freedom Builders, an online group of ragamuffin Christians who are digging deep into personal healing and awareness of the spiritual abuse epidemic. Our next class beings June 1, 2015. Sign up here.

Notice that Vyckie believes in evil, that it must be stopped. She and I disagree about whether Jesus is or was a bully, but we both agree that bullies should be stopped.  Being an atheist doesn’t mean you don’t have values.  In fact, that’s something Vyckie and I discuss in this next video.

In the next four minute video, Vyckie and I explore how her de-conversion didn’t change her as much as she expected. Honesty, integrity, truth, kindness were all important to her as a Christian and they remain important to her now, as an atheist. At this point in the conversation, a classically trained apologist may have asked Vyckie to justify her claims to morality without a God. And while that might have become an interesting conversation, it was more important to me to hear about Vyckie’s reasons for rejecting Christianity, to listen fully until I found a question that I (not my apologetic training) wanted me to ask.

Vyckie no longer accepts what she believed was the Christian teaching of love. Love used to mean martyrdom to her, and she used John 3:16 to prove it.  Love meant to give, to sacrifice, to die to yourself, to put everyone ahead. Love, to Vyckie, meant to erase yourself.

I would differ in how I define love, but I have no doubt that many Christian groups teach a toxic form of love that means self-abnegation.  I would define love with Jesus’ words “Love your neighbor as yourself” that our very capacity to love others well pivots on our capacity to love ourselves with honesty, consistency, kindness.  I love the great Catholic philosopher, theologian Thomas Aquinas’ definition of love, “willing the good of another.” Love is impossible if we have no developed self to will from. I value Joseph Pieper (not Piper) definition of love “It is good that you exist and insofar as I am able, I will contribute to your flourishing.” Notice “insofar as I am able”.

Vyckie brings up the value of self care to properly love. And as self-soothing (a la David Scharch’s work) or self care has become a growing concern for me in my own life, in my work with Freedom Builders in our online community, I want to ask those of you tracking with us.

How have you learned to grow in your care for yourself?
What Scripture do you rely upon to help you devote time to caring for your own flesh and soul?

Vyckie and I also talk about how her fundamentalist roots remain a part of her, even as an atheist.  Notice how she defines fundamentalism in the last few lines of this four minute clip.

If reading in email, view here.

As always, all respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome. 

 

 

I Needed To Be Saved

Part 4 (read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3).

In this multi-part series with atheist and activist Vyckie Garrison, we’ve seen how she and I do care about some similar things (feminism, truth, freedom), why Vyckie feared the damaging effect Christianity was having on her children and why exactly atheists don’t appreciate being called sad and purposeless. Now it’s time to see why Vyckie valued at first, but then left Christianity.

In this 4 minute clip, Vyckie explains how she needed Christianity because it brought her security, direction, and objective morality. Christianity acted as a life raft during a time of personal rapids and turbulence.  She explains how she left the time of rapids, but she was still dragging around that life raft. Christianity had become baggage for Vyckie. She dropped the faith for its rigidity and uselessness.

Please watch Vyckie explain her insightful metaphor and then join me in the comments to answer these questions.

Do we need Christianity when our life is stable? Why do you need Christianity (or better Jesus) for the good times?
What does Christianity offer you beyond rigid morals?
If Jesus didn’t promise you security or stability (which for many of us he does not), would you still follow him? Why or why not?
How is Christianity more than a life raft during the rapids for you?

If reading in email, view here.

All respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome. 

Photo courtesy of AllPosters “Raft Going into Big Dipper Rapid at Sun Kosi River Bagmati Nepal”

Christianity Used to Be My Life Raft

Photo credit: Katie O’Hagan “Life Raft” 2011

Meet Vyckie (if you haven’t already from Part 1 or Part 2).

I met the activist and atheist, Vyckie D. Garrison, first on twitter. Our Facebook and then face-to-face conversation confirmed my hopes. Vyckie cares about thinking, open-mindedness, and honesty. At first, these qualities led her to Christianity, but they couldn’t keep her. For more than 16 years, Vyckie was a prominent member of the Quiverful, a Christian fundamentalist group that bans birth-control (think the Dugger family).

Watch “The Man Behind the Curtain” here 

But for the sake of her own mental and physical health and that of her children, she divorced her husband and left Christianity. Drawing from what she calls the “extremism” that fueled her fundamentalism she now works at No Longer Quivering (@NoQuivering) where she rescues women who are disenfranchised from Quiverfull living. At No LongerQuivering.com you’ll find her team faithfully writing against spiritual abuse.

On a personal note, the day of our interview recording, Vyckie wrote this (see pic at right) on her Facebook wall.

Hugely complimented, I was also a little daunted to talk with Vyckie. You see, for all her openness, Vyckie also says things like “Jesus is the Big Guy who exemplifies the abusive bully” and “The entire Bible is out of context and has no place in the 21st Century.” To hear these statements in context, check out her Easter presentation to the American Atheists, Inc. “Escape from Duggarville: How Playing the Good Christian Housewife Almost Killed Me“.  240,671 people liked her speech.

Onto the next two videos in our conversation . . .  To watch the first two, click on Part 1 or Part 2 links above.

Why She Became an Atheist

One clip follows about the reasons Vyckie embraces atheism. Take note in this video how starved Vyckie was for good literature in her fundamentalist years. Fiction was considered wasteful, untrue, and not an accurate gauge on God’s world. As one of my favorite literary (and Christian) writers says

“It is one of the greater triumphs of Lucifer that he has managed to make Christians (Christians!) believe that a story is a lie, that a myth should be outgrown with puberty, that to act in a play is inconsistent with true religion” — Madeleine L’Engle “Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art”

I know many Christians who had a similar experience. My husband’s mother believed novels were a waste of time.

In my Christian upbringing, thanks to my grandmother, I found solace in novels.  Literature taught me empathy, kindness, and how to imagine the world as a different place. San Emory University brain study backs this up “People who still read fiction tend to be more empathetic toward others.” If your children are not encouraged to read fiction, you can mend that today. Vyckie and my suggestions for good children’s lit follow the video.

You’ll notice at the beginning of this video, Vyckie and I find more common ground that even atheists are judgmental. This is a hugely honest moment where you get to see Vyckie’s commitment to truth. Makes me do a self check. Can I laugh with assent that Christians are also known for judgement?

If reading in email, view here.

I gathered from Vyckie this important tip. Christians need to stop staying atheists are sad and so purposeless. Atheists do not sense that this is an accurate description of their lives. Vyckie is a good example of an atheist who feels free from her deconversion, as if nothing is hindering her.  At the same time she’s honest about the panicky feeling that no all-powerful Being keeps her feet on solid rock. What are a few questions you’d want to ask Vyckie?

Jonalyn’s fav fiction (for ages 8 and up):

The Giver by Lois Lowry – for the ways safety and sameness make us less human
Redwall by Brian Jacques – the best animal tale of underdog adventure
Matilda by Roald Dahl – my favorite novel of underdog female conquering bullies
The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare – a stunning story set in Jesus’ time but without the schmaltz of most Christian fiction
Jane of Lantern Hill by Lucy Maud Montgomery – my favorite story of an orphan finding her family.

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Vyckie’s fav fiction (for ages 8 and up):

The Mystery of Grace by Charles DeLint, a Canadian author whose stories of urban fantasy fiction incorporate local mythology, fairy folk and magic in contemporary settings.
The Graveyard Book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane and American Gods by Neil Gaiman. American Gods is a must read for everyone who is interested in the influence of “supernatural” forces on human culture.
The Harry Potter Books by J.K. Rowling. Not long after leaving Christianity, my kids wanted to find out for themselves what all the fundamentalist fuss over Harry Potter was about, so we did a Harry Potter movie marathon and discovered that rather than being an instruction manual for witchcraft, sorcery, and all manner of Black Art evil, the series is simply good, interesting entertainment that’s not even all that scary.

I second Vyckie’s love for Rowling’s books. I’m halfway through my second read of the series because Harry Potter shows us how evil and goodness really do work in this world.

All respectful comments (from any faith or non-faith background) welcome. 

The Difference a Dollar Makes

We can talk all day about how we need donors to keep our doors open, but I have something even more compelling for you today.

Watch the video below to see what Soulation brings to a daily life. We only want to do this work as long as we keep seeing people more alive in Jesus. 

In this one-minute clip, you can watch how we thanked our donors in November. You’ll meet college students, young families, baby boomers, and dating couples who will tell you what happened when they looked at their own lives through the lens of Jesus’ humanity.

If you want to keep this happening, pledge a monthly donation here. And if you want to get the kind of support you see in the video while you give to others, definitely check out our Soulation Membership program. Your dollars go just as far to keep Soulation running, but we get to offer you VIP treatment with special benefits throughout the year.

Practically, logistically, your dollars do some amazing things. This list below includes only things that our part-time, paid staff members do to free up my and Dale’s volunteer hours for what we do best (writing new weekly posts, writing and filming weekly eCourse lessons, hour-long mentoring appointments, writing and traveling to deliver sermons and talks, etc):

Arranging Ask Live mentoring appointments.
MyFaithHurdle, RubySlippers, and FreeAtLast blog upkeep and comment monitoring.
Coordinating details for Gathering attendees
Editing, organizing, and updating weekly lessons and classrooms for eCourse participants
Following up with emails from audience members at speaking engagements who want to get more help from Soulation.
Daily conversations about God’s love, the Bible, and personal histories in our FreedomBuilders community–it’s like a church you go to a couple of times a day.
Updating donors and support team with prayer requests.
Multiple posts every day on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, which not only bring out some great conversations, but also help people find the community they’re searching for. One eCourse friend wrote, “This is how I found you all–a Google search for truth.”

Soulation Helped Ex-Mormon Voice Her Doubts

While I was still in the LDS church, your articles really made me want to start looking for truth more actively.

This month I am taking a break from regular posts to spend time fundraising in Soulation’s hour of need. This week you get to hear a story from “S”, a woman who came to Soulation as she was beginning to question her upbringing in the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. S is a web designer and grad school student, currently in her sixth month as a FreedomBuilder.

While still in the LDS church, I wondered if motherhood was supposed to be my identity. It was my main issue with the Mormon church. I found honesty and hope in the RubySlippers’ post, “How Motherhood has (and has not) Changed Me.” I realized, motherhood is wonderful, but it doesn’t have to completely define who I am. I can also be a wife, a friend, a writer, and so much more.  This was good news to me, especially watching my sisters and friends enter motherhood and buy into church views and start losing who they really are. This post was one of your articles that really made me want to start looking for truth more actively

Soulation posts and sermons gave me the courage to question everything that had been building up inside me my entire life.

I admitted my doubts to myself and voiced them out loud.

I used to question myself at every turn. Now I have stopped living in fear. Shame and guilt no longer plague me constantly.

According to the LDS church, I should be staying at home, not working at all, with at least two or three kids by now. According to the LDS my husband should be the only one working and with a 9 to 5 job. He should go to work happily regardless of how much he might hate that particular job.  But we don’t do our marriage like this and you can imagine, my marriage is stronger because of the truth I found at Soulation. A lot of people look at us sideways when we say that I work full time and go to graduate school full time while my husband goes to school full time as well. Freedom from an oppressive religion has allowed us to have the courage to build the life we are made for and not look back.

Instead of simply following the norms expected of us, we now feel free to plan for our own future. This is particularly uplifting as we considering the possibility of growing our family through adoption when the time comes. Why should I feel guilty for providing a home to a child in need?

I no longer have to fight with myself every second of every day, and can instead focus on getting my soul to the place where Jesus wants it and helping others who are on this same journey to freedom.

If you have found, like “S”, that RubySlippers has been a well of biblically faithful nourishment and honesty, please help us continue our work by giving today.

Photo Credit: Micah Sheldon, cc via Flickr

Why I Became a Relationship Consultant

I want to share another story of the Soulation effect as I take time off from regular posts about sex ed, religion, and gender for this important month to raise enough funds to keep Soulation running at capacity.  

Genevieve West is a writer, business owner, wife, and mom. She came to Soulation in 2012, after attending Barna’s You Lost Me Live event, where Dale and I talked about scripture, sexuality, and millennials. (Listen to our talks from that weekend here.) Since that weekend, Genevieve began a new career . . . but I’ll let her tell you about that. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram. A few words from Genevieve . . . 

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Hearing the Finchers speak at the ‘You Lost Me LIVE’ event in Portland proved to be a turning point in my life. 
 
Jonalyn’s words really stretched my understanding of sexuality and gender, especially how the church and Christian culture approach these issues and interact with the culture. I devoured Jonalyn’s blog and anything she had on Youtube. I found myself becoming more comfortable with human sexuality, like a veil had been lifted! 
 
During conversations with friends, I realized how important these discussions are to helping others break free of the belief that their sexuality is bad and shameful, and to experience the freedom to become who they’re created to be. So, following my new found passion, and what I sensed God was calling me to, I became a professional relationship consultant for couples and singles, and even wrote a book about singleness, dating, and sex, all thanks to what Soulation does. 

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You can be instrumental in joining those who want us to CONTINUE to be active in the lives of women and men with incredible leadership potential like Genevieve. You can make a monthly donation today.

If you’ve just found RubySlippers or followed the blog for the last seven years, you’ve tasted the Soulation mission. To borrow from James 1, we write and speak and mentor  “. . . that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Stories like Genevieve’s constantly remind us that Soulation is bringing people from avoiding and placating crucial parts of our humanity to addressing them with the maturity that comes from a real walk with Jesus.

When Good Girls Have Great Sex

A Valentine’s Day Guest Post by Jessica Day

I grew up in a conservative, Christian environment. To this day, I’m a Christian, so you might imagine my surprise when about a year ago, my husband made the following request,

“I would really like it if you bought a vibrator.”

Wow! Um, what did you say? is what I was thinking.

“Ok, I will have to think about that,” is what came out of my mouth.

As a student of scripture, the Bible’s constant theme of grace has made me rethink and even realize my freedom in sex with my husband. Song of Solomon is also pretty hot and steamy where scents and fruits and fabrics all create an erotically charged (and blessed by God) connection that begs me to ask, “HOW can I create something as erotic and wonderful?”

But now I was being tested in the realm of something taboo for Christians to talk about, much less know about: a vibrator.

My husband has always been a bit more adventurous in the sex department than I am. Not that I don’t hold my own (Thank you very much), but, honestly, I am quite happy with the same basic sex pattern. However, we have always had the policy that either of us can make requests to try new things.

Let me give you a little of my background. I grew up where we NEVER talked about sex. I mean NEVER. It was a very awkward subject, and even dating and handholding was discussed with trepidation. My mom literally called me aside the day before I got married and asked me if I had any questions. “Too late, Mom, I already read all of the “Christian getting married” sex books. We will figure this out.”

I wouldn’t say this hindered my husband and I in the bedroom—although sex was a lot harder to figure out and enjoy than I thought it would be. It actually took WORK. From what I had seen in movies I thought that it just happened, but I was quite wrong. Our first year of marriage we got pretty good at sex. I say “pretty good” because there was still some awkwardness and second guessing. You know that back and forth, “ Well if you want to but I’m not in the mood, but I will if you want to” stuff. Honestly, for me sex was work most of the time. Fun work, but work nonetheless.

Then began the phase of our life in which we brought babies into this world. That will really throw your sex life into a tailspin. Pregnancy, recovery, sleepless nights, children sleeping in your room, children not sleeping, children walking in on you—those of you who have children know what I am talking about. I have heard it said that the best form of birth control is having children. I believe it for sure, and yet we still managed to have three children. Go figure.

Then sex really takes work because every time you have a kid it feels like you are starting from scratch again in the bedroom. I don’t know about other moms, but I find it very easy to go from hot to cold in a matter of seconds with one little noise from the hallway. For me, once I get cold it is really hard to get hot again. Ugggh! More WORK.

Then began the stage of reading mommy and wife blogs. Sometimes they are great, but sometimes they are not. I read far too many of them that told me I had better never say no to my husband in bed. I also should have sex every night whether I was in the mood or not. He deserves it, and this alone will save our marriage. I already put a great deal of pressure on myself without the aid of anyone else’s opinions so those blogs just made it worse by looming in my mind every night when I would crawl into bed. Then we started talking—TALKING to each other about sex and life and kids and how we really felt about these things. My husband gave me the freedom to turn down sex if I really didn’t want it. You see, I learned that he actually wanted me to want it. He didn’t just “want sex” (contrary to popular opinion but common among men who love their wives). He wanted me to feel pleasure and enjoy it too.

Then began our most current stage of sex. We were having some pretty amazing sex—like “mindblowing”, if I can use that expression. Honestly, though, I would still have the hot to cold to not phase creep in on me every now and again. In my opinion, having to WORK for orgasm kinda takes the fun and spice out of sex. When my husband said that “V” word, I actually got to thinking, “Hmmmmm—maybe, just maybe, this would be nice.”

So I started some research because I don’t know the first thing about vibrators. (Thank goodness for the internet, right?) I must say that it is probably a very good thing that we have filters on our internet when I did that little search. I actually came across a very helpful blog that was very straightforward and simple in its explanations.I did my research, but it wasn’t until February a year ago that I finally got up the nerve to make my first purchase.

I am always looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. My husband tends to be good at buying gifts (although there was that ONE Valentines Day that ended in one of our biggest fights to date, but overall the man is amazing at thoughtful gifts that are so intuitive and special.) I took a deep breath, went to Amazon, and ordered your basic Pink Bullet Vibrator. When I clicked “BUY” I was giddy with excitement. This Valentine’s Day I was gonna win! (Totally joking here cause presents are NOT a competition. But if they were—I would win.) One thing I did know was that he would be shocked that I actually ordered one.

I was so excited to give my husband this gift, but the reality is that I was also scared to death and doubting, “Is this really OK?” I mentioned before that I grew with a sort of “Puritanical” upbringing. I wouldn’t say that I thought vibrators were evil—I didn’t even know what a vibrator was! You might imagine all my reasons to be suspicious: it’s bizarre electronic thing in the marriage bed, it’s new-fangled, modern (not something Biblical couples had access to), is it okay to even have sex toys?!

But, the question I debated and finally broached with my husband was,“If it’s between two loving, caring, married people, why not?”

I am so glad that I did. It has opened up so many lines of communication and vulnerability between my husband and I that I was thankful I had given him this gift. You see it wasn’t really the gift of a vibrator. It was the gift of vulnerability, and that gift is priceless.

It took a bit of intestinal fortitude to finally say OK to using it in our lovemaking, (Um, HELLO? I need to put that thing WHERE?) That nervousness quickly changed though. Our sex life was revived! I now had the magic button. A button that could take me from cold to hot with just the flip of a switch. Do you know how much that has helped me? For women—well for this woman—sex has so much to do with the mind. When I KNOW that I could be interrupted or possibly not have an orgasm it can be very defeating and set me up for disappointment before we even started. I can “psych” myself out of enjoying sex. I end up focusing less on my husband, or bringing him pleasure, or enjoying each other because I am worrying that an orgasm just isn’t gonna happen this time. Regularly using our little magic bullet has given me the freedom to relax, to be confident in my own enjoyment in our lovemaking, and to please my husband.

I think it is very important for women to have inner strength and confidence while having sex. Opting into a vibrator reminds me of a 21st century way to apply the Proverbs 31 woman’s life, in a way perhaps you’ve never thought about before. Remember? “She looks well to the ways of her household” (Prov 31:27). For me, that means noticing what those in my household needed and wanted, not just organic food or exercise or “Frozen” lunchboxes or finding meaningful work that pays, but ALSO refusing to treat our sex life like it was the husband’s domain.  Taking care of my household means taking my husband’s request for something new in our sex life very seriously. And since his request and my agreement meant I now get to enjoy making love a lot more along the way, as Michael Scott would say, it’s a “Win, Win, WIN!”

I realize that purchasing and using a vibrator may not be the right choice for everyone, but it has certainly been the right choice for me!

Oh yeah, one more thing!

Just the other day, my husband handed me a hand written piece of paper…

MY SEXUAL WISH LIST

Oh boy! The adventure continues!

And Valentine’s Day IS just around the corner…

~~~

Three vibrator recommendations for those interested

Affordable – The Pink Bullet 

Versatile, Multiple Attachments – Magic Wand

Discreet, Water proof, and Travel Ready – Rianne

~~~

Jessica Day’s voice comes to you from the frozen tundra of the Northeast. She has three crazy kiddoes, one puppy, and a husband she absolutely loves. Though raised as a Christian, Jessica has just recently started to learn what it truly means to walk with Jesus. She spends her days scheduling their lives, running around, reading, painting, gardening (when it isn’t winter), and learning more so she can help other women live passionate, fulfilled lives.

Pastoring America

Most young people don’t really want to go to church anymore. And the reasons are deeper than juvenile immaturity.  The majority of Millennials don’t think the church is relevant. They don’t know if God really cares to address the problems that keep them up at night.

Have you ever heard your church leadership address these questions in a way that satisfied you?

How can sex be wrong when we really love each other?
But the pastor is telling me to do things that go against my conscience. Do I submit to his authority?
My parents make me feel like an idiot. How can I still respect or obey them?
My husband verbally abuses me. Does submission mean I just absorb it silently?
My son wishes he was a girl. What does this mean? How should I raise him?
I’m 25 and single. Is masturbation always wrong?

All questions Soulation has faced, questions we are daily answering. All questions that are deciding the fate of young people’s walk with God. I’m sure you’re noticed, it’s the questions that burn in you and me that become our holy ground. Our questions is where God wants to show up. The question is, Will the church show up in these questions? 

Eight years ago, I contributed to UnChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity . . . And Why it Matters by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons (see pg 203-204 and 240-241). The same year, I published Ruby Slippers because I had my own questions about Christianity (namely, is God sexist?). Many people read UnChristian and bemoaned the fate of the church.

But what are you doing to change the verdict of Kinnaman and Lyons’ research?

If we want the church to be relevant, we must support the church when it IS relevant. You can change Christian’s bad reputation for being sheltered, homophobic, judgmental, hypocritical, too political, and overly evangelistic.  You can support places where ragamuffins can learn to be as open as children, where we listen to Christians on both side of the gay marriage debate, where we confess our failings, heal with those across the aisle, and revisit a better way to share the good news. We can share, as a recent eCourse at Soulation put it “Spiritual Truth without Spiritual Arrogance.”

Let me ask you, where are you finding the church being both culturally relevant and uncompromisingly dedicated to the Scriptures? Where do you see these blending in a way you can get behind?

Soulation is the church for those who are unsafe to ask their questions in many weekend churches. They’ve found authentic community here. It’s a unique place to be fully themselves, and find the courage to lead in their hometowns.

 

I‘ve received more pastoral care from Dale and Jonalyn than I ever expect to from my local pastor. What an indictment on the “church.” When I struggle, my first thought is not to call someone from church, but to post on FreedomBuilders.

and

I absolutely see Dale and Jonalyn as pastors. They have shepherded my soul. I can’t begin to express how safe I feel and how renewed I feel as a Christ follower. 

FreedomBuilders testimony this month, used with permission.

Click to hear more stories of lives changed.

Pastoring America

I don’t usually identify myself as a pastor, but that’s the best title for what I do.

In my work, I teach Christians to discovery grace and empathy. I show pastors how to rest. I lead teachers to trust the Bible, again, as a source of truth. I mentor college students who are confused and ashamed of their sexuality. I pastor Christians in America, doing work that many formal churches would rather leave to the psychologists, the secularists, the experts.  I write about sex, sensuality, lust, affairs, gender identity, 50 Shades of Grey, desire redeemed, Christian sex positive education, shame, recovery, and hope that will not disappoint.

I speak the secrets many of us cannot murmur, not at church, not with friends, not with family. You’ve read a few posts here? You know that at RubySlippers, I don’t simply claim to talk about sex and faith, but we do. Delving deeply into comment threads where we read one another, we don’t just spurt a compliment or an insult.  Here we honor anyone who has a questions is our typical day. And the same goes on across Soulation’s blogs.

For many of you, RubySlippers and the larger work of Soulation is speaking truth about things many won’t touch. There’s a reason for that.

Dale and I are committed to noticing the questions terrorizing the Millennial generation. What are the faith hurdles that keep these folks from Jesus?

And so we trail blaze into new territory together. I pastor where the formal church often cannot afford to go, for fear of losing members and support. Dale and I are committed to find donors for Soulation who trust us, who will not muzzle us, who believe freedom is worth supporting with their wallets.

My husband and President of Soulation, Dale Fincher, teaching on what identity in Christ does and does not mean for the Soulation FreedomBuilders community.

Soulation is unique that way. No wonder we’ve become a place for the spiritually abused, the sexually baffled, and any Christian with a hot topic controversial question (if you haven’t already, browse our MyFaithHurdle). In fact, if you can imagine an unattractive, controversial question, chances are Soulation is answering it today.

Soulation is entering its 10th year. We aren’t a flash-in-the-pan ministry, but rather a decade old organization, that now operates off a budget of $8500 a month.  Compare that, for a moment, to the budget of most local churches. Since Dale and I donate our time, Soulation gets two seminary trained theologians and spiritual mentors for the bargain price of $0. We also don’t have a building. We do a lot with a very little.

But we need that little bit to keep running.

Much of the soul recovery and spiritual mentoring we do for Christians is through private channels. You’ll never get to read the thousands of pages of transcripts of one-on-one mentoring I do through Ask Live. You will not read the thousands of comments in our confidential FreedomBuilders recovery groups. We do not broadcast the spiritually pivotal moments because, as you know, they are intensely private.  In fact, most life-changing moments often happen without a photographer or a journalist poised to capture the scene. And that is as it should be.

But it does little for raising funds.

Prop Our Doors

I bear some sobering news for those of you who’ve tracked with me at RubySlippers the last eight years.  My reach is shrinking these days. Due to insufficient funds, Soulation will be slated to begin downsizing at the end of February 2015. 21 days left. After a Valentine’s guest post on Christians using vibrators (yes, I hope that made you smile!), I’ll be sharing some of my favorite stories this year of what Soulation does. Feel free to read, to share, to remind yourself that we need you giving to us, tithing to Soulation if we are to continue.

I’m asking your help to keep our doors open. You can join those who refuse to complain that the church isn’t relevant, but do something about it.

Let me give you one example. This Spring, I have begun editing my interviews for new SoulGym on “God, the Bible, and the Gay Christian” featuring five Christians who hold five different views.  This won’t be an eCourse for those who are 100% sure of what side to stay on, not for those who’ve already made up their minds, but for those who care about both marriage and justice. It’s for those Christians who want to understand the nuance of this question, which is what Soulation does best, noticing the marbled qualities of being human. Where else can you join a community that will safely discuss this question without slinging mud, boxing people into political sides, but carefully hear all sides?

If you commit to a recurring donation this month, we want to send my latest talk, “Dauntless.”  Not yet released, this address given to Ivy League and New England college students in Albany, NY, explains how to share your faith in 18 minutes.

Where else can you get one-on-one access to a pastor for free mentoring for your teen or college student? Where else can you find a program like FreedomBuilders to rescue the spiritually abused and restore them to enjoy God?

The best way you can help us is to commit to a recurring donation. And yes, this is a tax deductible donation. Donate today right here.

Click here and consider what role you want to play in protecting this unique haven of safety and growth for Christian souls in America. Read President, and my husband, Dale Fincher’s explanation of how you can be part of doing something new at his blog post for today “When the Church is Relevant“.

Don’t let Soulation’s doors swing shut.

For more about our current work and needs, go here.