Consent is Complicated

The trouble with this post is that the men who will read it are probably not the men I’m talking about. But, just in case you are, this one’s for you.

There is a man I find particular troublesome. Let’s call him Adam.

I do not like to hug Adam. I don’t like how I feel when I’m being hugged by him. I feel smothered, scared, counting the milliseconds until the hug is over. And it’s taken years (yes, that’s how long this has been going on) to figure out that I feel used when I hug him.

That is a problem. It means I’m hugging someone I don’t want to hug. It means that all the glorious feminist verbiage about female consent is bull crap, unless I know how to practice it.

Consent – offering the option to say “No.” Notice it’s not just asking permission. It’s waiting for an answer.

Even about a hug. Especially about a hug.  Because if I cannot say “No, thanks” to a hug, we’ve got problems. And we do have problems among Christians about hugging, problems that side-hugs don’t quite fix.

Women tend to have some trouble believing our bodies are our own. We think of our bodies as tools, to serve, to help, to bedazzle with hotness.  But, the Christian message about bodies actually goes like this “God is for your body” (1 Cor 6:13). Our bodies are meant to be ways we give God an incredible good reputation (i.e. “glorify God with your body” in 1 Cor 6:20).

A failed Christian solution has been to outlaw touch between unmarried men and women. That certainly doesn’t create safety, equality or friendship. So I’m not for that rule, besides, I don’t believe that the Bible recommends it.* And, I don’t believe a side-hug is the only Christian way to hug out there. Thank heavens.

A big ol’ bear hug between a man and woman can give comfort, reconcile, say goodbye in a way a handshake cannot. That’s why I welcome hugs from my husband, my grandpa, some male friends, and my son.  Besides, Jesus touched women, regularly with such kindness and dignity, his touch brought physical healing (see the gospel of Matthew chapter 9). He’s the main reason I believe male/female friendships and the hugs within them are so good.

So it’s not hugs that are the problem, it’s consent.  I’m realizing there are places I don’t know how to practice consent. 

The Small Thing That’s a Big Deal

Active consent = the ongoing way we teach others it is okay or not okay to touch our bodies. We flex our consent muscles anytime another individual’s actions are unwelcome.

As Christians we have a Biblical reason to practice consent. As Paige McCaleb, consent advocate, christian and fellow creative explained…

Jesus says, “Let Your Yes be Yes and No be No.” This relates to consent. When I say “No”, I want it to be firm, not flirtatious or fickle. When I ask someone explicitly or through body language to stop I mean, ”Stop” not “Try again in a moment.” And when and if  I’m ready I need to also make that clear.  For example, I may not yet have a relationship where I deem hugging appropriate or comfortable. But when or if that changes I’ll let the person know by initiating a friendly hug or asking permission to hug. And if there’s a day where I just don’t feel up to sharing myself through a hug I can say “Today I’m not in the hugging frame of mind.”

But I’m not as practiced as Paige.

I ask myself every time I see Adam, “Why make the big deal? It’s a whole lot easier to just hug him and die to myself for a moment.”

See how Christian I can make it? Here’s what all teachers and bloggers about the Bible need to understand. Bible verses out of context can sound like God commands women to allow our bodies to become someone else’s property. The sermons you preach, the posts you write will free or enslave the sexual abuse victims in your audience regarding their own bodies. Take care!

For me, it just seems easier to put up with this man’s arms around me instead of making a scene. So I sacrifice myself for the sake of the little community.

And it’s very easy to justify my behavior. Adam is an elder in his church.

As my husband pointed out, it seems the three qualifying factors to become an elder these days are

financially successful
faithful church attender
married to a woman

Adam fits the bill. Unfortunately (and church leaders, we need to talk about this) I’m not aware of a church policy where women get to vote on general creepiness of the man who will become their spiritual authority.

I really don’t want to trot out Adam’s gory details, but Adam has a history of using women. The last decade, however, he’s clean. He’s shining proof that God changed him. Even I want to believe it, and there are so many examples of change.

He’s a changed man, his loved ones said. He’s a leader of Bible studies and a pillar of the church. He’s not my elder, which helps. But, he’s still a male. Older, in power, and tends to seem “in charge.” Adam is clearly socialized into privilege, which translates into power. He easily checks all the boxes: male, older, wealthy, institutional church authority, white.

Last year, when I decided to sit down next to him to share a few things (at a dinner for 12), I didn’t know what to do when he put his hand on my leg, right above my knee. I froze inside, but I rationalized that his move wasn’t OBVIOUS enough to do anything.

It’s just my knee, I self-justified. He’s just trying to be warm and kind. Besides, this other male is watching, so if it were weird the other male would be concerned, right?

But I was so afraid, I couldn’t even look up at the other male. I kept trying to keep myself light and breezy as if I didn’t care. Because if I act like it matters, maybe it does. I was worried that I would hurt Adam’s feelings, so I kept on listening without removing his hand.

Within seconds, it was gone. Even though my knee and thigh looked the same, the damage was done. I had silenced my inner “Uh-oh” feelings. I was feigning consent. As Paige explains it “If you’re even a tiny bit uncomfortable, the action needs to stop immediately.”

Please notice, I was more worried about Adam’s feelings and making him uncomfortable, than I was at noticing how uncomfortable and creeped out I felt.  My concern for being kind actually trumped my capacity to notice myself.  I became an object to this man, and I internalized his objectification.

That I can write this is evidence that I no longer agree with Adam’s proprietary view of legs. In fact, I’m preparing myself for the next time I meet Adam. Preparing myself, because I cannot exercise the rights of my body, as God intended, unless I’m prepared for men like Adam in this world. And he will come into my life again.

Copyright NBC / Splash News

He will. He’s unavoidable.

And he will be unavoidably offended and probably verbally explode when I challenge his right to touch me. Everyone at dinner will hear it, everyone will know that I have subtly accused Adam of being unsafe, of being creepy. It might ruin the entire dinner party and who knows what else.

When I remove his hand from my waist or my shoulder or my leg, I will be telling myself that I’m ready. Ready for him to accuse me for accusing him. Prepared to refuse any unwelcome proprietary touch.

Practice Active Consent

I’m drawing up ways to avoid hugging some people. There are men out there (and some women too, consent works in all directions), Christian men, Christian leaders, who don’t feel safe near my body. So, for those of you who need some creative ways to avoid touch, here’s my list. Additions welcome in the comments.

For the beginners: If you find yourself noticing one man you do not want to hug, don’t hug ANY men. Hug the females (if you want), shake the men’s hands IF YOU WANT. Or, wave hello/goodbye and make a beeline to the drinks or food or out the door if you’re leaving. The point being, you get to train people how to treat you. Show how you prefer to say hello/goodbye by being the first to extend a handshake, or a hug if and only if you are comfortable and ready.
When a new man enters the room, don’t rise to greet him. Stay in your chair, extend a hand for a handshake if you’d like. It’s harder to hug seated women.
When a man stands to say good-bye to you at the door, do not make eye contact until you’re far enough away that he would have to walk at least four strides to reach you. If you sense him starting toward you, take your arm and put it around the shoulder of a woman friend near you. The most he’ll be able to get is a one-armed, side hug… perhaps the most unsatisfying hug ever invented.
Master a meaningful, strong, warm handshake. Practice it.
Pray for strength whenever you must engage with a man who is unsafe. Pray that God will show you how much God values your body. Memorize 1 Cor 6:13 “God is for your body”. Ask God to show you how to guard your integrity.
Practice, practice, practice using your words. It’s OKAY to say “I’m not comfortable with hugging/your hand there/you standing that close/etc.” There’s nothing wrong with vocally giving a “yellow light” and sometimes it’s needed! Favorite Yellow Light phrases:

“Wow! That was uninvited”
“I’m not comfortable with…”
“I think I need a little space.”
“I’d rather not ____ right now/today” (because some days we are more or less okay with being touched).


These apply to all men who sense women creeping them out (because ladies, we can be creepy, too). A few examples.

And to the men reading:

If you’re in authority anywhere take these to heart even more. Your authority erodes a woman’s ability to give meaningful consent.
Wait until a woman moves toward you to hug you, don’t lunge or put your arms wide expecting her to walk into your embrace. Do ask “Is it okay if I hug you?” but NOT with your hands or arms held out expectantly. I don’t care if she’s your blood relative, niece, granddaughter, daughter, or sister, wait for them to make the first move.
Because of patriarchy’s baggage in all our lives, let women lead with touch. Don’t reach out to stroke or touch a woman unless she’s your girlfriend/lover/wife. Erogenous zones include waist, scalp, neck, mouth, cheek, ears, chest, navel, abdomen, inner arm, ankles, thighs, feet. For example, don’t put your hand on a woman’s waist, even to usher her through a door unless you’ve been granted consent.
Master a warm, meaningful handshake. Nothing makes me feel so safe as a good handshake.
My French/Spanish heritage has a tradition where we kiss on a cheek and don’t require I press my body up against yours to say hello.  If I know a man, but he is not a super close friend, I prefer he greet me with a kiss on a cheek over him hugging me.  Ask your female friends how they like to greet men.  Make the question general, allow them to set the tone.
If giving a hug maintain some body distance, leave space between your torso and hers. You don’t have to make it as awkward as this picture to do it well. Don’t rub her back during the hug or let your arms linger. Don’t pick her up! These are all elements of a more intimate hug the woman did not consent to.
Pray for wisdom and ask your sisters, your wife, your mother and grandmothers for guidance.

In the comments, I’d like to hear how men would like more freedom of consent and if men also struggle with believing their body is their own.

And if you want a follow-up post on how to teach consent to your children, let me know.

*For Bible scholars, the 1 Corinthian 7:1 passage, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (NASB), is best translated in context as “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” (NIV), an idea I can get behind when the two are not married.