Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 448

September 4, 2013: It shouldn’t be this difficult!

Great.  Now my treadmill is broken.  Over the past couple of weeks, it has seemed increasingly reluctant to get going, no doubt mirroring my general attitude.  Every time I would turn it on, instead of immediately rolling like it used to, it would pause as if considering.  Again?  This guy just worked out last night?  Why doesn’t he pick on that lazy-ass elliptical?  And then gradually, almost grudgingly, it would stutter to a start.  But this morning, nothing.  It had clearly had enough.

So, I’ll just add “treadmill” to my growing list of home projects: dry walling the water damaged ceilings, fixing the bathroom skylight, recaulking the shower, installing the new oven, having a talk with the washer that seems intent on making a break for it. Lately, every time I use it, I come downstairs to find it has managed to make its way, a good half a foot from the wall, before unplugging itself and losing the volition to go through with its escape plan.

Ideally, I’d like to get most of these issues addressed before Saturday night when I’ll be hosting a party for the staff of the Granville Island Veterinary Hospital who have been putting up with my dogs for over ten years.  The plan was to follow Martin Gero’s lead and arrange for a food truck to park out front for the event, but this proved much more challenging than I’d imagined.

Given the fact that all of my guests work with animals, I thought it best to select a truck that would offer a vegetarian option.  That trimmed the list.  One of my first choices, La Taqueria Pinche Taco Truck (affiliated with the restaurant of the same name) was already booked on the night of my party – and their unavailability knocked every other Mexican-themed truck off the list since, let’s face it, there are not better tacos in town.  Two other top contenders, Vij’s Railway Express, Le Tigre Cuisine, and Roaming Dragon are also busy that night.  So are Blue Smoke BBQ and the Kaboom Box.  Mom’s Grilled Cheese Truck never even responded.  Still waiting to hear back from Burger Bus, but it’s been several days now.

I’m also considering simply ordered a bunch of sandwiches from the almost fantastic Meat & Bread:

Their signature crispy porchetta sandwich!

Only problem is they close at 5:00 p.m. every night.  5:00 p.m.!  As my writing partner Paul is fond of saying: “Well, they gotta eat dinner too!”.

Alternately, it might be fun to go with Japadog:

And, for dessert, a little something from Beta5 Chocolates perhaps?

Okay, party planners.  Thoughts?  Am I missing something obvious?

September 2, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Toxic Avenger!

Dis movie about as subtle as Grover at a stripper convention.  It take a potentially funny premise, den beat it into de ground wit de most obvious and heavy-handed execution possible.  It as if makers of dis film assume audience be so stoopid dey need to make absolutely certain dere be no doubt dis supposed to be a parody.  Norbit be a nuanced masterpiece in comparison.

Neeeeerd!

Movie open wit PSA on dangers of toxic waste dumping.  We cut to Tromaville, toxic waste dumping capital of de U.S., where a nerd janitor, Melvin work at a health club.  ”Nerd” actually be too kind.  He be a borderline brain dead Urkle.

Melvin get picked on by bunch of health club members who humiliate him, den chase him thru a window.  Melvin end up landing in vat of toxic waste, get horribly disfigured and run home.

Dis be monster’s reaction when he realize dere still half hour left in dis movie.  Noooooo!

Once home, he transform – from idiot nerd to big brawny mutant. From dis point, movie just a collection of extended fight sekwences where new-look Melvin beat on thugs, most of who have basic knowledge of kung fu.  Along de way, Melvin reskue and fall in love wit a blind girl who move in wit him at toxic dump.  Me know, me know.  It sound sort of funny.  But trust monster.  It not.

You know I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it!

Movie obviously made at a time when bar for comedy set super low. How low?  Well, “hilarious highlights” include: racism, gore, attempted rape, shooting of seeing eye dog, gun pointed at baby, and innocent young boy getting head crushed by a car.

Incognito lover’s stroll

Dey sure not make dem like dey used to.  And dat because dey used to make dem real crap.

Verdikt: It have all de makings of a movie so bad it be good, but dis turkey so bad it aktually BE bad.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews The Toxic Avenger, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Toxic Avenger

September 1, 2013: The New Fall Line-up!

I try.  Believe me, I do try.  At the beginning of every fall season, I try to catch as many of the new shows as possible, dropping those that fail to capture my interest and sticking with those that hold my attention. Slowly but surely, as the weeks pass, various of these new shows fall out of my DVR rotation until, inevitably, I’m watching my “regularly scheduled programming”: Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, Louie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Community, Downton Abbey, and The Walking Dead.  Notice something interesting?  That’s right – overwhelmingly cable with a lone big network show.  And the shows I’m in the process of checking out – Orange is the New Black and Ray Donovan aren’t big network either.

No, don’t bother recommended a series from last season.  I can assure you I watched it and lost interest at some point.

But will this year be different?

Probably not, but it doesn’t hurt to try!

Some of this fall’s more intriguing candidates…

Hello Ladies

Premieres Sunday, September 29th at 10:30 p.m.

On HBO

An Englishman searches for love in hard-luck L.A.

Leading the pack is yet another cable series.  Stephen Merchant is a very funny guy.  Finally, following behind-the-scenes contributions and onscreen supporting stints on shows like The Office and Extras, he is the lead of his own series.

Trailer makes me wants to see it: About the same.

The Blacklist

Premieres Sunday September 23rd at 10:00 p.m.

On NBC

One of the FBI’s most wanted fugitives turns himself in and offers to help the feds capture fellow super criminals on the condition he is teamed with a rookie agent.

Shades of Silence of the Lambs!  James Spader is brilliant and the prospect of watching him play a villain is just too good to miss.

Trailer wants to make me see it: A little more.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Premieres Tuesday, September 17th at 8:00 p.m.

On FOX

An immature young detective teams with a seasoned, by-the-book commanding officer.

Another show I’m looking forward to on the strength of its casting, specifically Andre Braugher.  Also, this is a comedy and Andy Samberg is a pretty funny guy.

Trailer makes me want to see it: Less.

The Crazy Ones

Premieres Thursday September 26th at 9:00 p.m.

On CBS

An eccentric but brilliant advertising executive runs his agency alongside his more level-headed daughter.

No, the casting is the draw here.  It’s the pedigree of show creator David E. Kelley.  I miss Boston Legal.

Trailer makes me want to see it: A lot less.

The Goldbergs

Premieres Tuesday September 24th at 9:00 p.m.

On ABC

A family comedy set in the 80′s.

Based on the home movies that the show’s creator shot of his family while he was growing up.  A successor to The Wonder Years?

Trailer makes me want to see it: A lot less.

Hostages

Premieres Monday September 23rd at 10:0 p.m.

On CBS

A rogue FBI agent kidnaps a surgeons family and threatens to kill them unless the President of the United States dies on the operating table.

Based on an unproduced Israeli series, it feels like a cable show…on network television.  The premise, however, feels a little thin to sustain a 15 episode first season, much less an ongoing.

Trailer makes me want to see it: About the same.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Premieres Tuesday September 24th at 8:00 p.m.

On ABC

A secret government agency investigates “strange” cases.

Superheroes and Ming-Na.  What more could you ask for?

Trailer makes me want to see it: About the same.

Super Fun Night

Premieres Wednesday October 2nd at 9:00 p.m.

On ABC

Three best friends have their traditional Friday night get-togethers threatened by the lure of a life outside the  little world they’ve created for themselves.

Created by Rebel Wilson and Conan O’Brien.  That means it should be pretty funny, no?

Trailer makes me want to see it: About the same.

Tagged: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Hello Ladies, Hostages, Super Fun Night, The Blacklist, The Crazy Ones, The Goldbergs

August 31, 2013: Dog matters! And another mailbag!

It’s not funny because it’s true!

I’ve been thinking of adopting a senior dog for a while now, but three considerations have held me back:

1. I’m going to Tokyo in November and, given all the trouble I’ve had finding someone to watch over my dogs for the two weeks I’ll be away, I don’t feel right adding another member to the pack in advance of my departure.

2. After going back and forth on it, I finally decided to keep my house rather than move into a condo, which would certainly make it easier to get another dog, but recent developments have made me reconsider home ownership.  Following the air conditioner issue that caused water damage to two ceilings, I had my regular Mr. Fix-it come by to assess the damage.  Good news: the repairs won’t be as extensive or costly as I’d imagined.  Bad news: He pointed out water damage and resultant mold below my bathroom skylight – which will also have to be dealt with.  Worse news: The roofer swung by earlier in the week to temporarily address the issue until he could schedule a proper fix.  Unfortunately, whatever he did resulted in a full-out leak that, two nights ago during one of heaviest downpours in months, required a catch bucket and plenty of strategically placed towels.

3. I have three incredibly needy dogs who can’t seem to get enough of my attention as it is.

Three fairly solid reasons to, at the very least, hold off on a decision.  And yet, potentially trumping those concerns are all the needy pooches looking for a good home…

Wally

Ten year old (wacky) Wally is a little food aggressive but, otherwise, a sweet boy who loves nothing more than to lounge about and follow you around. [http://www.seattlepugs.com]

Odie

Ten year old Odie needs a wheelchair to get around because his hind legs so he needs someone with patience – and a good back capable of carrying him up and down stairs when necessary.  Otherwise, this old boy is great with kids, cats, and other dogs. [http://www.seattlepugs.com]

Benny

Twelve year old Benny may be completely deaf, but he understands hand signals – and snuggling. [http://www.seattlepugs.com]

Otis and Jack

Fourteen year old Otis and eleven year old Jack are a package deal as they’ve been together most of their lives and have bonded.  Otis must take medication three times a day to control his seizures but they are otherwise happy, healthy, and looking for a good home. [http://www.seattlepugs.com]

Skye

Six year old Skye, like many frenchies, suffers from allergies and breathing issues, but she’s apparently a laid back, snuggly gal. [http://frenchbulldogrescue.org].

Bear

Five year old Bear finds himself in search of a good home following the passing of his human companion.  He’s very energetic and great with kids. [http://www.pacificpugrescue.org/index.htm].

Max

Nine year old Max has some vision and hearing loss, but is easy-going and gets along great with other dogs. [http://www.pacificpugrescue.org/index.htm]

Among the groups I follow on facebook is Missing Pets in BC that does a great job of getting the word out on missing loved ones ranging from rabbits and parrots to cats and dogs.  It’s amazing the number of pets that go missing, but even more amazing are the number of happy reunions.  Like the case of this adorable fellow who went missing following a break in:

Turns out he was stolen but, after the police and local media got involved, Otis was recovered!

Hoping for a happy ending for this handsome boy:

If you happen to be in the Pensacola, Florida area – or beyond – , keep your eyes open for Diesel.  He sent missing after someone knocked down the 6 foot chain link fence holding him.  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Finding-Diesel/218498534967921

A little over two months ago, Toronto became the second city in Canada (joining Richmond, BC) to ban the sale of dogs and cats in pet stores.  They join a number of U.S. municipalities that already have similar bans in place: Albuquerque, Alisa Viejo, Austin, Brick, Burbank, Chula Vista, Coral Gables, Dana Point, El Paso, Flagler Beach, Fountain, Glendale, Hallandale, Hermosa Beach, Hoboken, Huntington Beach, Irvine, Laguna Beach, Lake Worth, Lauderdale Lakes, Los Angeles, Manasquan, North Bay Village, Opa-Locka, Point Pleasant Beach, San Diego, South Lake Tahoe, and West Hollywood.  Quite a few but not nearly enough.

10 Reasons Not to Buy Pet Store Puppies | Dogster

“An HBO documentary, Madonna of the Mills, exposes the fact that virtually all pet store puppies are raised in puppy mills in horrible conditions, in wire pens no bigger than a dishwasher, and the puppies are sickly with parasites and other serious issues.”  Read the entire article by Allen St. John here: http://www.forbes.com/sites/allenstjohn/2012/02/22/where-not-to-buy-a-dog-the-pet-store-connection-to-the-business-of-puppy-mills/

The sad truth about many of these seemingly loving and reputable pet stores: “Finally, you should do your research into Pet Habitat.  According to their own website, “Pet Habitat” is only their “doing business as” or DBA name.  Their corporate name is International Bio Research Ltd which alludes to an animal testing company that does product testing on animals confirmed to a lab.  I can’t think of a more horrible life for animals.” http://sniffingouthome.org/2013/08/12/comments-mean-a-lot-when-we-are-learning-about-animal-rescue/

Where do a lot of these pet shop dogs come from?  Here’s an overview of the Hunte Corporation: http://terriermandotcom.blogspot.ca/2009/10/hunte-corporation-pushing-akc-puppy.html and http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Hunte_Corporation.

Sad and shameful.

Mailbag:

poundpuppy29 (Erika) writes: “Oh! I did not know that part of the issue so syfy screwed you they lied to you that does not surprise me I mean wouldn’t it be logical to tell the people who produce a show on your network who you have a long history with the truth that the show you currently are producing only has till the end of that current season in enough time to write to wrap up the show that would be logical but I forgot most people are not logical they are too short sighted GRRR thank you for answering me I do appreciate it”

Answer: That wasn’t the case here.  SyFy was not the villain.  Television is a business and the show wasn’t doing well in the ratings.  However, that doesn’t always spell doom.  There are ways to save a show if the parties involved are willing to work together to ensure its survival – even if it’s for a third and final season.  The network took the steps to make this happen.  Other players did not.

gforce writes: “Step-mom update: Yesterday was a bit better. She was sitting up and having a coherent conversation, so that was a definite improvement.”

Answer: Great to hear!

Line Noise writes: “I call shenanigans on that Japanese prank show. Some of the camera angles (especially with the dinosaur clip from the other day) were not possible without the prankee seeing the camera and cameraman.”

Answer: Aha!  Caught you!  You’re watching t.v. like a television producer!  Now try checking out all those “reality” shows.

Mike from Canada writes: “I would suggest thinking about a surge protector breaker for the ovens circuit. I would have suggested tightening the connections on the old oven, but I guess it’s too late for that now.”

Answer: Hey, Mike, thanks for the advice.  I did have an electrician swing by the house and check for faulty electrical connections and bad terminations (on the advice of my home repair expert, Tothwolf) but he found nothing wrong.

Tam Dixon writes: “Sorry about your stove. When you get a new one, are you looking for any cool upgrades?”

Answer: Yes.  I’ve upgraded to one with a working control panel.  This one even has something called Sabbath Mode.  No idea what that is but looking forward to tracking down some Sabbath Mode recipes.

BoltBait writes: “So much for my suggestion of a Westworld TV show…

http://www.imdb.com/news/ni56121971“

Answer: Yeah.  I’m waiting for them to announce the launch of the JJ Abrams Network.

Bailey writes: “I know, get a crowd funder going big enough to buy MGM. Then make any darn thing you want! I’ll chip in.”

Answer: Now THAT would do it!  Could you imagine?  An actual studio or network run by fans?

Jim Lawson writes: “You might consider sharing your opinion on Maytag on Twitter, I find it a excellent place to “share” with a wide audience and sometimes get the attention of a company”

Answer: Done!  Thanks.

Bell&Kasper writes: “I had huge issues about 12 years ago with a brand new GM pickup (transmission kept failing plus numerous other things and they were happy to put a new one in, but the stupid thing spent 2 months in the shop of the 3 months I had it). Definitely a lemon since the truck was very highly rated and had a good history. I wrote to GM with 2 pages of vehicle breakdown issues and they basically said tough luck, you have a warranty, what’s the problem?”

Answer: I promise to never buy another GM if you promise to never buy another Whirlpool.

August 30, 2013: My Whirlpool Rant! Mailbag!

Yesterday, Akemi and I bought a new oven.  NOT a Whirlpool (or Maytag) owing to their crap customer service.  Earlier this year, the digital control on my old Maytag oven stopped working.  We contacted the manufacturer, now Whirlpool, who arranged for a repairman to come over.  ”Repairman” is a misnomer.  He didn’t actually repair anything.  He just peeled off the old digital control, slapped on a new one, and charged me $300+.

Three months later, the new digital control on the oven stopped working.  Again!  I contacted Whirlpool who sent over the same “repairman” who informed me that, unfortunately, the warranty on that new digital display had expired (these things are apparently only good for two months) and Whirlpool wasn’t willing to help me out.  So, I had the “repairman” “repair” my oven again – peeling off the old digital control and slapping on a new one.

Fast forward a couple of months and THE NEW DIGITAL DISPLAY ON MY MAYTAG OVEN HAS STOPPED WORKING!  Frustrated beyond belief, I contact Maytag customer service who, after hearing me out, offered me the following solution to my ongoing oven problems: 15% off a new Whirlpool oven!  I shit you not!  I informed the customer service rep that I wanted someone to come over and address the problem to which she responded “The warranty has expired on your oven” – so they wouldn’t be sending anyone over.  EVEN IF I OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE VISIT!  She followed up by offering up that rebate because I am apparently part of their Fucked Over Friends and Family Program, over whatever they call it.

I passed on their bullshit offer and sent an email outlining my situation to their head office.

Well, they got right back to me and made me feel like a valued custom – JUUUUST KIDDING!  They ignored me completely, perfectly in keeping with their shitty customer service.

I plan to block off two days to hit every Whirlpool and Maytag-related site and forum with a rundown of my experience.  If I can convince just ten people to NOT BUY WHIRLPOOL or MAYTAG, this rant will have been worthwhile.

And I’m pretty damn sure I can do it!

Mailbag:

Randomness writes: “For the best reaction at the wedding, I suggest a Yakuza outfit.”

Answer: Okay.  Should i cut off the tip of my pinky finger to complete the outfit?

2cats writes: “How are the furry kids doing, all is well?”

Answer: Lulu is wearing her cone of shame to ensure she doesn’t lick her infected right paw.  She’s also battling an ear infection.  Jelly and Bubba are their usual cranky/lazy/famished/spirited selves!  Thanks for asking.

DP writes: “I think the dark suit is better for you. And the hair? I’m recommending sumo.”

Answer: Akemi is recommending something a little more traditional…

dasndanger writes: “All kidding aside, however, I would seriously consider wearing the kimono. It’s a once in a lifetime experience! I don’t think you’d look like a douchebag at all. ..or at least no more than when you’re sporting shiny silk shirts and gold chains like the don of Dons.”

Answer: Because, of course, that was my other option.

Luis writes: “Joe,Those pics are kool ……is that an I-Phone App???”

Answer: Nope, just really bad photo shop.

Jeff W writes: “Glad to see that you and Akemi have made good recoveries. But the next question…about Raw Canvas, if there was not painting involved, would you go back for the food?”

Answer: Hmmmm, probably not.  It was good, but I suspect I could pick up the same selection, at half the price, at Oyama on Granville Island.

pounpuppy29 (Erika) writes: “Wish the TPTW of Stargate when they were doing SGU would’ve done that wrapped everything up instead of leaving a cliffhanger like they did I remember when it aired and I was on the major Stargate fan site GateWorld and the numbers were not good and I think the writing was on the wall they just didn’t see it.”

Answer: It’s not that we didn’t see the writing on the wall.  We were aware the show was struggling in the ratings, however, at the time we we were writing/prepping/shooting the final episodes, we were working under the understanding that we would have one more, final, season to complete our story.  Apparently, things changed.

dasndanger writes: “Lookie what’s on the interwebs today, just for you!

http://healthyliving.msn.com/nutrition/top-food-poisoning-culprits“

Answer: So, as Akemi rightly pointed out, we should avoid eating EVERYTHING.

FagateOne writes: “No developments about your many projects?”

Answer: A huge setback for one project; a huge step forward for another.

JAN writes: “Hey Joe, I thought I would share this link. I can see why you love visiting Japan so much! I REALLY need to find this Japanese show online, which will lead to me wanting to learn Japanese:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/japanese-dinosaur-prank_n_3822524.html?ncid=+edlinkusaolp00000009“

Answer: Ah, the things they can get away with on Japanese television…

DP writes: “So, now that you’re feeling better, here’s the foodie question I was going to run by you.

http://gizmodo.com/science-says-not-to-wash-your-chicken-before-you-cook-i-1205293251

Wash the raw poultry or don’t?”

Answer: Interesting.  I’ve always rinsed but after reading that article…

Josh writes: “Hey Joe, It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a question on here but I’m curious what your thoughts are on this thread: http://forum.gateworld.net/threads/87597-So-were-Satedans-Superhuman“

Answer: I suppose it depends on the definition of the term “superhuman”.  I think the Satedans were certainly physically superior to the average human, and Ronon was certainly physically superior to the average Satedan.

Deni writes: “Well, we did our best to adopt Stewey, the dog my daughter and I picked up in Savannah for a rescue group here.”

Answer: Ah, you’re a good person.  But, all too often, even the best of intentions aren’t enough.  It can be very tough, especially introducing a dog to a household that already has a pack.  Any updates on Stewey?

Janet writes: “Well almost a year after my daughter broke BOTH her arms, she a hurt it today at school. Whacked her elbow against a post, do not think it is broken but very sore elbow. Waiting to see what develops before I take her to hospital.”

Answer: So what’s the update?

Airelle writes: “Is your pulled muscle feeling any better?”

Answer: Not fully healed – still painful at night – but much better.  Thanks for asking!

Chris writes: “Do you ever thought about crowdfunding for the Stargate Films or Series? Maybe this brings the investors to think about the whole franchise when they see how many people want this films/series.”

Answer: Unfortunately, I don’t own the rights to the Stargate franchise (MGM does).  The decision to produce another series or movie lies in their hands.

 

 

Tagged: Maytag, Maytag customer service, Whirlpool, Whirlpool customer service

August 29, 2013: Japanese wedding advice!

This November, Akemi and I will be attending her sister’s wedding in Tokyo.  This will be our first Japanese wedding and, apparently, they’re full of customs covering everything from the particulars of the varied gift envelopes and their requisite knots (don’t make an ass of yourself by tying a Hanamusubi instead of a Musubikiri!) to the proper etiquette of cash gifts (don’t curse the happy couple on their wedding day by giving them an even number of bills!).  Akemi started studying up earlier this week and is already overwhelmed.  I am, of course, a simple foreigner so not much is expected of me outside of the obvious: making sure my money gift contains an odd number of bills presented in the proper envelope with a Musubikiri knot, no catcalls during the tea ceremony, and, perhaps most importantly, don’t show off your awesome dance skills.  Oh, and dress appropriately!  In Akemi’s case, she’ll be wearing a kimono for the ceremony, then switching to a fancy dress for the reception.  Last week, Akemi’s dad emailed me to ask what I would be wearing to the wedding (no doubt double-checking to make sure I don’t show up in jeans and a Neon Genesis Evangelion t-shirt).  He offered me a choice between a dark suit or a men’s kimono. I can rent the latter at the hotel and the staff will dress me.  Now THAT’S service!  I wonder if they’ll feed me for a little extra charge?

I considered the pros and cons.  Pro: It would be great blog material. Con: I’d look like an utter douchebag.  I responded to Akemi’s dad and informed him I’d be going with the dark suit.  He emailed back: “Ok.  I think it is better for you.”  I could almost hear him breathe a sigh of relief.

So, yes, I decided to go with the dark suit.  But after some consideration, I wondered if I was too quick to dismiss a great opportunity to celebrate Japanese culture in my own special way.  Yes, the kimono is one way to go – but there are many others.

Here is a quick rundown of the possible outfits guaranteed to make me stand out on someone else’s special day.  Check ‘em out, then weigh in with your thoughts!

Kimono Joe

Samurai Joe

Sumo Joe

Ninja Joe

Kabuki Joe

Dragon Ball Joe

And some more causal but no less striking fashions via http://www.japanesestreets.com:

Harajuku Joe #1

Harajuku Joe #2

Harajuku Joe #3

Harajuku Joe #4

Harajuku Joe #5

Harajuku Joe #6

Harajuku Joe #7

Harajuku Joe #8

So, whaddya think?

Tagged: Japanese fashion, Japanese weddings

August 28, 2013: Artistic Expressions!

The day after my bout with what I suspect was food poisoning, my breakfast and lunch consisted of two hardboiled eggs, a bowl of chicken stock, and a bottle of ginger beer.  So, when dinner rolled around, my appetite was back.  And good thing too since we had reservations at Raw Canvas, a unique, art-themed restaurant in Vancouver’s Yaletown.  Akemi had been eager to check the place out since seeing it featured on Food Network.

The menu consists of charcuterie items (meats, cheeses, nuts and dried fruit) but the big draw isn’t the food, it’s, well, the draw.  Or the painting to be more precise. You take a seat at your table, have your meal, then pick your canvas (priced by size) and head on over to the painting area where you can give free rein to your artistic expressions.

Akemi, rarin’ to go!

We sat down at the table and I ordered some terrine, sausage, cheese, dried figs, and mustard.  Akemi wasn’t hungry.  Food was the farthest thing from her mind. Sensing her eagerness, the waitress suggested we could head down and start painting.  She would bring us our food when it was ready.  Well, that’s all Akemi needed to hear.  She was off!  I grabbed our bottle of San Pellegrino and tried to keep up.

Down in what I’ll refer to as “the painting pit”, we selected our canvases after which our waitress ran us through everything we needed to know: paintbrushes here, paint there, water around here…  Akemi was practically jumping up and down in place.  ”Looking forward to this?”asked our waitress.  ”Some more than others,”I conceded.”

Our evening of pictures in pictures…

Akemi chooses her paints.  You squeeze them out of the dispensers like you’re milking a cow except that, instead of milk, you get burnt umber and T1000 Terminator silver.

While Akemi immediately got to work on her masterpiece, I focused my attention on dinner.  I would have ordered another round but our waitress never returned to the pit.

Akemi makes like a professional, focused on the task at hand.  First, the waves.

Then, the sun.  Unlike me who just used the paint colors offered, she mixed the various paints on her palette to create variations.

She actually came prepared with a sketch of what she wanted to paint.  I, on the other hand, decided to wing it.

In addition to various-sized brushes, she used what appeared to be a cheese knife to spread the paint on her canvas.  I used my cheese knife for my cheese.

Look at the attention to detail.  My painting was more freestyle with considerably more dabbing and splatter.

And, the final touch, the smoke.

Voila!  A work of art.

And here’s my finished masterpiece.

Quite something, huh?  I call it Pang of Youth.

We were instructed to leave the paintings there to dry, and then return within the week to pick them up.  I imagined that, in that time, my masterpiece would catch someone’s eye – perhaps a famous art critic who frequents Raw Canvas.  He’ll take one look at my piece, declare it genius, and kickstart my new career!  Or, someone will steal it and sell it for tens of thousands of dollars!  For her part, Akemi simply said: “You’re a great writer but when it comes to art…”.

I suspect she’s jealous.

Tagged: Raw Canvas

August 27, 2013: A tale of two dinners!

Last night, Akemi made some beautiful home made orecchiette, “small ear” pasta, following my mother’s recipe.  Getting the cooking time right was a little tricky.  When first served they were clearly undercooked, so they went back in the pan with the tomato sauce and grown chicken and, ten minutes later, they seemed dense but ready. The pasta was accompanied by a nice fresh farmer’s market beans with garlic and olive oil.

Looks yummy!

After dinner, we did a few chores, then headed downstairs for a not-overly-heavy workout.  An hour later, I was at my laptop when I started to feel…queasy.  I informed Akemi who admitted she too was feeling…queasy.  Could it have been the pasta?  I headed into the kitchen for a sip of water and happened to glance down and lay eyes on the water-logged remnants of Akemi’s dessert.  THAT did it!  I raced to the bathroom and threw up.  It was my first time vomiting in years. And it wouldn’t be the last.  Akemi soon followed suit.

Hey, did you know that my toilet is a Kohler?  I’ve lived here almost nine years and never knew!

It’s interesting to note that, had we gone out for KFC hot wings instead, we’d have felt MUCH better.  The irony way not lost on me as I crawled into bed and passed out.

Feeling much better this morning but I think I’ll take it easy.  Today’s lunch: ginger beer!

Another memorable meal – for a completely different reason – the other night when Akemi and I had dinner with former Stargate Exec. Producer Robert Cooper and his wife.  We had planned to go out but, after spotting a couple of Tomohawk steaks at his local butcher, Rob decided to have us over instead.  And, without even knowing what we could have eaten at a restaurant, I can confidently  say it was the right call.  Of course, I didn’t have to do any of the actual cooking and cleaning, so my opinion is somewhat subjective.

Home made flatbread with herbs and sea salt.

A sweet, rich, silk smooth corn soup with fresh crab.

Look at these beauties! Barbecued Tomohawk steaks.

Accompanied by a jam of caramelized onions and peppers.

Oven-roasted potatoes

Crispy roasted brussel sprouts.

I had asked Rob if I could bring dessert, but he informed me he had it covered.  He wanted to test a recipe for something called Crack Pie!

The Crack Pie. Presumably, no actual crack was used in the making of this pie. That said, I’m experiencing withdrawal pangs just looking at it.

Essentially egg yolks, brown sugar, and rolled oats baked and topped with a dollop of whipped cream.  It’s easy to see why they call it Crack Pie.  

The chef!

A big thanks to Rob and Hillary for having us over for a fantastic meal.

August 26, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Dr. Strange (1978)!

Dr. Strange?  More like Dr. Creep!  Apparently, dis guy not familiar wit de Hypocritical Oath, but he all sorts of familiar wit “doctor-patient confidentiality”…if you know what me mean.  No?  Well, let monster put it dis way.  When he around de ladies at work, he like Cookie Monster at a bake sale.  Or Grover at a topless bake sale.

We introduced to Dr. Stephen Strange who be a psykiaktric resident at local hospital  - and major player.  And not necessarily in dat order.  Dis guy more unprofessional den Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at a Science World “History of Lube” exhibit.  He sexy talk wit head nurse and den kiss her – in middle of hallway in front of everyone – which lead monster to assume dey be in a relationship.  But when good-looking mental patient end up in his care, he not have any problem hooking up wit her either.  At one point, another female patient visit him complaining about painful ulcer.  He say to her: “I’ve got an extra bed and I can give you something to help you sleep.”  Sure you can, doc.  Sure you can.

Today’s hospital special: Free Temperatures Taken!

Meanwhile, a sorceress who worships a demon puppet is given tree days (Why tree days?  Why not!) to kill an old wizard before he can pass down his power to worthy successor – or, barring worthy successor, creepy doctor who happen to own a weird ring.

Old guy, it turn out, live in downtown brownstone dat renovated to resemble Fred Flintstone’s digs.  He be shacked up wit younger man, Wu, who look after his needs and refer to him as master.  Er.  Yeah.  Old man show him drawing of sorceress and tell him to remember her face.  Really?  How de hell he supposed to do dat?  It be like police putting out APB on actor who played Archie Andrews in de live action movie and distributing comic book for identification purposes.

It turn out old man be on to sorceress and head out to confront her.  She pull de old bait and switch, showing up, den disappearing, den mind controlling innocent woman into pushing him off bridge down to street below.

Old guy get up and limp away.  ”Hey, buddy!”somebody call.  ”You sure you’re alright?”  Of course he alright!  He only plummeted 20 feet onto concrete and get hit by a car.  You’ll have to do better den dat if you want to kill a wizard!

Cue weird synth music!  Cue inexorable extended guitar solo!  Cue trippy dream sekwence!  Cue astral travel!

Hey!  Who took away my keyboard?!

Dr. Strange “treat” young woman mind-controlled by sorceress.  He shake hands wit old wizard and get power – also, possible cold.

But sorceress gain entrance to old guy’s bedrock pad and string him up on astral plane where he lose his powers and resemble Alice Cooper’s dad.  Dr. Strange follow and battle sorceress who, it turn out, really just looking for someone to love and have a baby wit.

Dazzling visual effekts!

Overwhelmed by Dr. Strange’s manly moustache, she try to hook up wit him – but he rejekt her and den blast her wit energy bolt just in case she not get de message.

De End.

Except movie goes on for another half an hour.  Strange goes thru lame ritual.  He become official apprentice sorcerer.  He screw with street performer.  Puppet demon punish sorceress by making her really old.  And, mysteriously, a couple of scenes later, she back to her old self, on Earth, and now a self-help guru.

Now really De End.

Verdikt:  Cheesy and lame but unintentionally hilarious and mercifully short.

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Dr. Strange, Dr. Strange, Dr. Strange (1978), Dr. Strange movie, superhero movies, superhero of the week club

August 24, 2013: Upcoming Under-the-Radar Movies To Look Forward To! Or Not!

BOUNTY KILLER

Release Date: September 6, 2013

What it’s about: Bounty hunters compete to take down white collar criminals in a near future run by corporations.

What it’s got working for it: Looks like silly, over-the-top fun.

What’s it’s got going against it: Perhaps a little too goofy.  Also, some of the performances feel very iffy.

OUT OF THE CLEAR BLUE SKY

Release Date: September 6, 2013

What it’s about: Cantor Fitzgerald which lost 658 employees in the September 11th attacks.

What it’s got working for it: A poignant study of those affected by the tragedy.

What’s it’s got going against it: In certain ways, a painful movie to watch.

BLUE CAPRICE

Release Date: September 13, 2013

What it’s about: A psychological thriller that explores the relationship between the young boy and the father figure responsible for the Beltway Sniper attacks.

What it’s got working for it: The promise of answers for the seemingly senseless killing spree.

What’s it’s got going against it: If Fruitvale Station taught us anything, it’s that fascinating true-life source material doesn’t always guarantee a great movie.

GMO OMG 

Release Date: September 13, 2013

What it’s about: A documentary about genetically modified foods and its effects on our world.

What it’s got working for it: An important subject that effects us all directly.

What’s it’s got going against it: Documentaries like this one run the risk of being so slanted that they can undermine their credibility.

INFORMANT

Release Date: September 13, 2013

What it’s about: The story of Brandon Darby, a radical left-wing activist who became an FBI informant.

What it’s got working for it: A fascinating story.

What’s it’s got going against it: Again, it depends.  Is this a straight-forward documentary, or does the filmmaker have an axe to grind?

A SINGLE SHOT

Release Date: September 20, 2013

What it’s about: A hunting accident leads to a killing, a cover-up, and a box of cash. It all culminates in a game of cat-and-mouse in the backwoods of West Virginia.

What it’s got working for it: Some solid actors including the Sam Rockwell and William H. Macy.

What’s it’s got going against it: Could be a white knuckle suspense thriller – or an entry from the seen-it school of filmmaking.  Hard to tell from the trailer.

C.O.G.

Release Date: September 20, 2013

What it’s about: A young man travels to Oregon to work on an apple farm.

What it’s got working for it: Based on the works of the hilarious David Sedaris.

What’s it’s got going against it: The trailer looks very un-Sedaris and pretty un-funny.

THE COLONY

Release Date: September 20, 2013

What it’s about: In a second ice age of the near future, a small group leaves the relative comfort of their underground society to investigate the mysterious happenings at a sister colony.

What it’s got working for it:  A great half a premise: the ice age, the mystery, the investigation….

What’s it’s got going against it: And a disappointing half a premise: vampires?

PLUS ONE

Release Date: September 20, 2013

What it’s about: Three friends experience a temporal disturbance at a house party.

What it’s got working for it: I love a good time travel story.

What’s it’s got going against it: But only when it makes sense.  Which it rarely ever does.  And, yes, I’m looking at you Looper.

AS I LAY DYING

Release Date: September 27, 2013

What it’s about: A family crosses the Mississippi in order to deliver their mother’s body for burial in her hometown.

What it’s got working for it: Based on the novel by William Faulkner.

What’s it’s got going against it: I’m guessing Faulkner didn’t write the screenplay. The trailer looks a little bleak…and incomprehensible.

Tagged: A Single Shot, As I Lay Dying, Blue Caprice, Bounty Killer, C.O.G., GMO OMG, Informant, Out of the Clear Blue Sky, Plus One, The Colony