Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 451
August 7, 2013
August 7, 2013: Marked for death! Select your sandwich! News of note!
This morning, I came across this interesting article that offers up a list of 11 t.v. characters originally slated for death who were granted a reprieve by the show’s producers:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/i-can-kill-you-whenever-i-please-but-not-today-11,101147/
Some surprising names on the list including The X-Files‘ Melvin Frohike (the bespectacled member of the Lone Gunmen), Battlestar Galactica’s Karl “Helo” Agathon, Jack Shephard from Lost and, topping the list: Breaking Bad‘s Jesse Pinkman. It makes for interesting reason as we are offered a glimpse into the behind-the-scenes creative reconsiderations, often owing to the actor’s fabulous performance and the audience response.
It reminds me of a similar situation in Stargate: Universe’s first season when we planned to kill off one of the Destiny crew in heroic self-sacrifice but, after seeing the dailies, watching the character grow and, most important of all, being mightily impressed with the actor’s performance, the character was granted an indefinite stay of execution.
Which SGU character am I talking about? Check out the end of this blog entry for the (possibly) surprising answer.
Blog regular, Deni, sent me the following link to a countdown of the 50 Greatest Sandwiches Ever Known To Man:
It’s an interesting list offering a wide variety for every taste, from the simple Egg Salad Sandwich (a Martin Gero favorite during our days on Stargate) to the roast beefy French Dip (Exec. Producer Brad Wright’s go-to sandwich) to the Porchetta (which tops my list). Go check out the various offerings and let us know your fave!
My take on the humble grilled cheese sandwich:
A little presumptuous – and a lot stupid: The 6 Most Ridiculous Things People Claimed to Legally Own
The Ramen Burger is the new cronut Maybe, but I’d still prefer a cronut.
A kickstarter project sake-loving-yours-truly can get behind: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1802764272/the-birth-of-sake
And, oh yeah, that Stargate: Universe character who survived almost certain death?
None other than Dale Volker, played by Patrick Gilmore, who we decided was just to good a character to kill off at the time…
August 6, 2013
August 6, 2013: Lou Anders makes the leap! The Dark Knight Sinks! Mailbag!
Congrats to our friend, Lou Anders, who is poised to make the leap from professional editor to professional author next year with the release of his first novel Thrones and Bones: Frostborn, “a fantasy inspired by Norse folklore involving a dead Viking sea captain, wyverns, and a 1,200-year-old dragon.” The release date is August of 2014, so I informed him he’s already been booked as our August (of 2014) Book of the Month Club guest author!
Thanks to all of you who suffered through Dark Knight Rises and took the time to submit your thoughts, in addition to the movie’s many, many stupid and illogical moments Cookie Monster missed in his review.
Thanks, in particular, to gforce and HBMC for offering links to these pointed video critiques that are just too good to languish in the comments section of this blog:
Next week, I thought it would be nice to throw Cookie Monster a bone and have him review a good movie for a change. And so, next Monday, we’ll all be sitting down to Despicable Me 2. The week following…
Well, that’s up to you. Let the nomination process begin!
Mailbag:
Airelle writes: “Well Joe, movie aside,, good place for it,, how did the oven shopping go?”
Answer: We didn’t have to go shopping for a new oven after all. When we woke up the next morning, our old oven was working again. Scared straight, I imagine.
Supplyship writes: “I can’t tell if you’re trolling us, or if you really don’t know that actresses Anne Hathaway (Les Mis, Dark Knight Rises) and Natalie Portman (SW-Queen Amidala, Black Swan, Your Highness) are two different women?”
Answer: They are? Are you sure? It’s interesting to note that they’re never actually pictured together.
Phantrosity writes: “ Can you infect elephants with goa’uld symbiotes? And would you call the resulting creature a jaffafant, or a japhpha?”
Answer: Oh, I’m sure you could. But why would you want to? And the correct term is Jaffelephant.
Joanie writes: “Just wanted to share with you all. The new Doctor Who has been announced…It’s Peter Capaldi!”
Answer: Ah, damnit! Always the bridesmaid; never the bride!
Bastien writes: “So tell me, great master, when is Stargate going to come back ?”
Answer: To be honest? I think when MGM feels sufficient time has passed.
Tom writes: “How much money could be lost by turning this into an eBook?”
Answer: Don’t know. A decision like this would be in the hands of the studio.
Tagged: Lou Anders, The Dark Knight Rises, Thrones and Bones: Frostborn
August 5, 2013
August 5, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Dark Knight Rises!
Dis movie remind monster of Snuffleupagus after last year’s Oktoberfest: a big, bloated, confused mess dat hang around way too long after party end.
Movie picks up 8 years after last one. Harvey Dent be dead and Gotham be organized crime free. Batman be gone and Bruce Wayne now a bitter whiner who walk around wit a cane. His company, Wayne Enterprises, be in de toilet and, to top tings off, he find a woman in a sexy maid outfit at his place – but she just turn out to be dere to steal his mother’s pearls and his fingerprints.
Anne Hathaway’s best performance since Your Highness.
Cat burglar, aka Cat Woman, aka Selina Kyle, played by Anne Hathaway (Queen Amygdala, Black Swan, Los Miserables – so diverse!), deliver fingerprints to assistant to Bruce’s business rival. He try to double cross her but she turn de tables because she get him to use cellphone of congressman she kidnapped and dat instantly tip off battalion of cops who close in on place and get into shootout (No, no time to explain! We have a plot to catch up to!) dat end wit Commissioner Gordon captured in sewers by probably de worst villain in a Batman movie since de Penguin. He a big hulking brute named Bane whose face be covered by a mask yet express himself wit all de flair of an embittered stage aktor reduced to doing cartoon voiceover work. Listening him like sitting thru Shakespearean version of Santo Contra el Cerebro del Mal.
Famed Mexican wrestler Santo.
And de villainous Bane!
Gordon injured and get flushed down de sewers where he get found by young cop whose experience being an orphan allow him to deduce Bruce Wayne really Batman (!).
Bane and co. attack Gotham Stock Cxchange and use Bruce Wayne’s stolen fingerprints to execute a transaction dat bankrupt him. Meanwhile, Alfred de butler, sick of Bruce’s moping, inform him dat dead ex-girlfriend Rachel Dawes chose Harvey Dent over him. So, really, she not really getting all dat upset over.
Worried dat business rival will try to take control of Wayne Enterprises and get his hands on de fusion reaktor Bruce has been keeping in storage along wit his old Phish CD’s, Bruce put board member Miranda Tate in charge. Den, he don Batman outfit and go to meet Bane. Unfortunately, Batman be out of shape after 8 years of sitting around eating donuts and get his back broken. Like most stoopid villains, rather than kill his opponent, Bane decide to keep him alive – in dis case shipping him off to a foreign prison.
Wit Batman out of de way becuz he killed him threw him in prison, Bane enact his nefarious plan to blow up Gotham using Wayne Enterprises’s fusion reaktor. He take de city hostage. Mobs rise up! Wealthy citizens are put on trial and given choice of being executed or exiled – which see dem attempt to cross frozen bay. Unsuccessfully. Later Gordon and his men are captured and given choice between execution or exile. Dey choose “Execution!”. So judge declare: “Execution…by exile!”. And dey forced to walk across de frozen bay (exile) or get shot (execution). And dey start walking across de bay – even though dey already choose execution so why de heck dey walking across de bay instead of taking de bullet? Stick to your convikitions!
Bruce’s broken back get better! He eskape from prison and return to Gotham. Wit help of Gordon, young detective, and seksy Catwoman, he take on Bane and – surprise villain – Miranda Tate (aka Talia al Ghul)!. Catwoman blast Bane. Talia killed in road accident. And Batman fly reaktor into middle of ocean where it explode harmlessly, far from everyone except de odd yacht and freighter. Enjoy your radiated corn shipment, Bangladesh!
Funeral held for Bruce Wayne. Wayne manor becomes orphanage. We diskover young detective’s name be Robin. Alfred de Butler sip tea in Paris where he spot…Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle! De End? Monster sure hope so!
Verdikt: Bat trilogy definitely not save de best for last.
Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.
August 4, 2013
August 4, 2013: Japan Fest! How Many…?
Today, Akemi and I (and Bubba!) took in the annual Japan Festival on Powell Street…
Spam sushi! About as good as you think.
Bubba enjoys some kasu-sake ice cream:
Exhausted
How Many…
Have you seen? http://www.listchallenges.com/50-must-see-science-fiction-movies?ref=share. I’ve seen 40.
Have you read? http://www.listchallenges.com/hugo-award-winning-novels-1946-2012-in. I’ve read 43.
Have you watched? 100 Best TV Shows of All Time. I’ve watched 48.
Have you eaten? http://www.listchallenges.com/foodie-list. Whoa! I’ve eaten 99. Gotta track down that Mexican street corn.
Have you sipped? http://www.listchallenges.com/must-try-cocktails. I’ve sipped 35. That I can remember.
Have you played? http://www.listchallenges.com/popular-sports. I’ve played 38. And no. No hockey.
A reminder that our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes tomorrow when our resident film critic, Cookie Monster, will be leading the discussion on The Dark Knight Rises. Start watching now and you may be finished in time.
August 3, 2013
August 3, 2013: Yes. AGAIN! Far East T.V.!
My oven is broken.
“Ho ho!”you say. ”Joe is running out of ideas for his blog! He did the old “my oven is broken” blog entry five months ago!”
February 28, 2013: The Not-So-Lonely Maytag Repairman!
True, but my oven is broken again.
“Ha ha!”you say. ”Joe is REALLY desperate for writing material. He already did the “my oven is broken – AGAIN!” blog entry a month ago!”
June 20, 2013: Homeward Bound!
All true, but my oven is broken again. Again. Like the previous two times, the digital touchpad won’t work – unless I press “CANCEL”. I can cancel to my heart’s content, but cooking is a problem.
Well, screw Maytag. Tomorrow, Akemi and I go oven shopping!
Speaking of Akemi, today she was talking about some of the interesting t.v. dramas that aired in Japan back when she was living in Tokyo. One in particular struck me as ripe for North American adaptation:
It’s called “Yamma Onna Kabe Onna” which translates to “Mountain Woman and Wall Woman”. It’s a series about a flat-chested woman who works in the handbag section of a department store who befriends a busty new sales person. Hilarity ensues. No. Really.
Some equally intriguing overseas productions…
Urakara focuses on a group of female operatives who work for a secret underground organization. Each week, they are given a new target, anyone from a powerful politician to a simple salaryman. Their mission - to kill get their targets to fall in love with them…at all costs! But the fact that they inexperienced in the ways of love leads to many complications…Wait! What? Inexperienced in love? Wouldn’t it behoove the “secret underground organization” orchestrating these ops to hire hire actual professionals? Ah, forget it. I’m sure it all makes perfect sense by episode 3.
Beethoven Virus. It’s like House – except that instead of practicing medicine, Gregory House conducts an orchestra. And instead of saving lives, he composes music. Is it Lupus? No, it’s Puccini!
Teeth of Love (aka Love Teeth) tells the tale of a girl who rejects a boy and ends up getting a brick thrown at her which causes her back pain whenever it rains. She falls in love with a married man who dumps her and ends up marrying a man she doesn’t love only to dump him later. The latter responds by removing his tooth and giving it to her. Hmmm. Maybe it loses something in the translation.
Ice Girl - Just before her wedding, a woman falls seriously ill. Her surgeon father, unable to save her, puts her in stasis. Twenty-five years later, she wakes up – and falls in love with her fiancé’s son. [I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often].
Imi wa Petto (You’re My Pet) is a series about a girl who comes home one night to find an unconscious man sitting in a cardboard box outside her front door. She reacts like any normal person would do in this situation – taking him in and nursing him back to health. But once he’s back to full health, the guy doesn’t want to leave. She agrees to let him stay on the condition he becomes…her pet. I’m sure it’s a lot less kinky than we’re imagining.
Ah, screw this. I’m moving to Japan to work on a show there!
August 2, 2013
August 2, 2013: An Atypical Day! News of Note!
People are a constant source of disappointment, and its because they’re either psychotic, opportunistic, or just plain stupid. Chances are, you’ll have to put up with at least one of the aforementioned on a daily basis and learning to deal with them has become a necessary tool of survival in today’s society. As time goes on, I grow increasingly weary of playing the game. Yes, “I’m getting too old for this shit”. In hindsight, I should have trained for a fall-back career that would have allowed me to work from home and not have to deal with people – something like a novelist, online mystery shopper, or one of those phone psychics.
Today, I took a break from my atypical routine to catch a matinee. The last time I actually visited a movie theater was two years ago when Akemi and I caught Jiro Dreams of Sushi. Before that…hard to say. I think it was the premiere of Martin Gero’s Young People Fucking back in 2007. The truth is, I don’t see many movies because I’m not interested in the edited versions on television. I have my own home theater but stopped buying DVD’s when Blu-ray came out. Also, there’s the indisputable fact that most big screen features are shit. And so, aside from the selections screened for this blog’s Supermovie of the Week Club (after all, I can’t very well have guest reviewer, Cookie Monster, suffering through the likes of The Amazing Spiderman, Chronicle, and Abar: The First Black Superman all by his lonesome), it’s mighty slim pickins. But today was different because today Akemi wanted to go out and see something. And so, we did. We went out and caught Despicable Me 2 (the regular version since Akemi fears 3D will make her nauseous). Well, I thought the original was “fine” and I don’t know what Cookie Monster will say when it comes time to review this one, but I quite liked it – certainly more than the first one. I know, I know. Surprising, huh?
After the movie, we stopped by Vancouver’s premiere chocolate shop (that has expanded their repertoire well beyond their extraordinary chocolates) for a little afternoon snack:
Cream puffs, from left corner clockwise: blueberry-yuzu, praline, banana cream pie, and dark chocolate (85%) and caramel.
The full lineup:
Still on the hunt for a dog-sitter. Our trip to Tokyo for Akemi’s sister’s wedding fast approaches!
Some news of note:
DON’T sell your pet on craigslist. Regardless of whether the buyer looks respectable or comes accompanied by a child or sweet-looking girlfriend, they could be a reseller, middle man for animal testing labs, or worse: http://peopleforanimals2011.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/craigslist-and-your-pet/
Well, this is interesting – and more than a little disconcerting: http://washingtonexaminer.com/massive-solar-flare-narrowly-misses-earth-emp-disaster-barely-avoided/article/2533727. Yep, I’ll just stock up on that bottled water and canned foods.
Apparently, guys in bear suits or body armor are PR disasters: article_20529_5-psychotic-marketing-stunts-that-traumatized-their-audience.html
23 insane things you should know about snack foods: http://www.buzzfeed.com/h2/shfke/rachelysanders/23-insane-things-you-should-know-about-snack-foods
Via SFSignal.com: Free SF, Fantasy and Horror Fiction for 8/2/2013
My buddy, author Jeff Carlson, does a guest blog here: http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/2013/07/guest-post-by-jeff-carlson.html
Bert he wasn’t so quick to do his job the second time around. ”That other stuff was crap but this? This is art!”: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10209203/Worker-sent-to-remove-graffiti-finds-image-of-himself-on-the-same-wall-hours-later.html
August 1, 2013
August 1, 2013: Quest for the Akemi Cup!
Akemi loves a good Starbucks cappuccino, but the taste of those foam-topped semi-espressos is invariably laced with a touch of (non-coffee) bitterness due to the fact that the baristas can never seem to get her name right. ”Akemi,”she tells them. “A-ke-mi!”. And they’ll nod and head off to make her drink and then, when it’s done, she’ll receive something like this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
Finally, this morning, on the advice of her blog regular, Jeanette, she elected to use the much simpler “Lulu” (our french bulldog) as her Starbucks name.
And this is what she received:
Today’s blog entry is dedicated to my sis, the Birthday Gal!
July 31, 2013
July 31, 2013: Upcoming Under the Radar Movies to Look Forward To! Or Not!
THE ARTIST AND THE MODEL
Release Date: August 2, 2013
What it’s about: In 1943 occupied France, a beautiful young refugee changes the life of a famous sculptor.
What it’s got working for it: Great reviews.
What’s it’s got going against it: Potentially painfully pretentious.
EUROPA REPORT
Release Date: August 2, 2013
What it’s about: A manned mission to Jupiter’s moon makes an astounding discovery on Europa.
What it’s got working for it: It’s scifi and we all love scifi, right? Also I09 seems to like it.
What’s it’s got going against it: Looks like a big screen version of Defying Gravity.
OUR CHILDREN
Release Date: August 2, 2013
What it’s about: A young couple become all too dependent on the generosity of their lodger, an elderly doctor.
What it’s got working for it: These types of slow burns tend to surprise.
What’s it’s got going against it: But just as often do not.
THE SPECTACULAR NOW
Release Date: August 2, 2013
What it’s about: A high school Romeo falls for a “good girl”.
What it’s got working for it: Sundance winner for acting.
What’s it’s got going against it: Feels a little precious.
BLOOD
Release Date: August 9, 2013
What it’s about: Two detectives, brothers, must cover their tracks when an interrogation goes too far.
What it’s got working for it: A great cast that includes Paul Bettany, Mark Strong, and Stephen Graham (Boardwalk Empire’s Al Capone).
What’s it’s got going against it: Looks very grim, bleak.
I GIVE IT A YEAR
Release Date: August 9, 2013
What it’s about: An likely couple approach their one year anniversary. But will they make it?
What it’s got working for it: A funny and promising trailer.
What’s it’s got going against it: Rom Coms, British or otherwise, never quite leave a lasting impression.
OFF LABEL
Release Date: August 9, 2013
What it’s about: A documentary about Big Pharma and our over-medicated society.
What it’s got working for it: Interesting and important subject matter.
What’s it’s got going against it: Looks depressing. Luckily, there are pills for that.
AIN’T THEM BODIES SAINTS
Release Date: August 16, 2013
What it’s about: A criminal takes the rap for his girlfriend then, four years later, busts out of prison and looks to reunite.
What it’s got working for it: I quite like Casey Affleck’s work.
What’s it’s got going against it: The annoyingly nonsensical title.
THE GRANDMASTER
Release Date: August 23, 2013
What it’s about: An epic actioner based on the life of legendary kung fu master Ip Man.
What it’s got working for it: Director Wong Kar Wai’s films are gorgeous.
What’s it’s got going against it: But can be frustratingly esoteric as well.
SAVANNAH
Release Date: August 23, 2013
What it’s about: The story of romantic rebel Ward Allen who turned his back on his plantation heritage in favor of a life on the river with his friend, a freed slave.
What it’s got working for it: Looks like a sumptuous period piece.
What’s it’s got going against it: Huh? Is that the voice of Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock at around 59 seconds into the trailer?
10 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE
Release Date: August 30, 2013
What it’s about: A corporate whodunit in which each death is foretold by a sinister power point presentation.
What it’s got working for it: Could be a terrific dark comedy.
What’s it’s got going against it: Or it could just be incredibly dumb. The fact that the trailer refuses to tell us anything about the actual movie speaks volumes.
So, what looks good? What doesn’t?
Tagged: 10 Habits of Highly Effective People, Ain't Them Bodies Saints, Blood, Europa Report, I Give it a Year, Off Label, Our Children, Savannah, The Artist and the Model, The Grand Master, The Spectacular Now
July 30, 2013
July 30, 2013: Upcoming Movie Releases to Look Forward to! Or Not!
2 GUNS
Release Date: August 2, 2013
What it’s about: A DEA agent and a U.S. naval intelligence officer become unlikely allies in an off-book effort to take down the criminals who set them up.
What it’s got working for it: Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington are the Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg of our generation.
What’s it’s got going against it: This movie look about as fresh as last week’s dinner.
PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS
Release Date: August 7, 2013
What it’s about: Teenage demigods travel to The Bermuda Triangle in their quest for the Golden Fleece.
What it’s got working for it: Someone took the trouble of making this movie which is based on a book series, so it’s safe to assume there’s a pre-existing audience for this Harry Potter/X-Men mash-up.
What’s it’s got going against it: Teenage demigods? Seriously?
WE’RE THE MILLERS
Release Date: August 7, 2013
What it’s about: A small-town drug dealer enlists the help of a stripper, a wannabe customer, and a teen street punk to pose as a straight-arrow family and help him smuggle a shipment of marijuana over the Mexican border.
What it’s got working for it: Jason Sudeikis. And the trailer actually looks funny!
What’s it’s got going against it: Trailer can be deceiving, front-loaded with the funniest (sometimes the ONLY funny) parts in the actual movie.
DISNEY’S PLANES
Release Date: August 9, 2013
What it’s about: Talking planes.
What it’s got working for it: If you sat through Cars in its entirety then you could probably do the same for this movie.
What’s it’s got going against it: Seriously, what’s next? Disney’s Washer Dryers?
ELYSIUM
Release Date: August 9, 2013
What it’s about: In a distant future where the wealthy live on a space station called Elysium while the masses live below on Earth, a champion rises to save the planet’s impoverished inhabitants.
What it’s got working for it: Director Neill Blomkamp of District 9 fame helms what looks like a mighty good-looking movie.
What’s it’s got going against it: Uh, you do realize this is just an old Star Trek episode, right? The Cloud Minders. Look it up.
KICK-ASS 2
Release Date: August 16, 2013
What it’s about: The sequel to Kick-Ass sees (more) grown-up versions of Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up with a new bunch of caped crusaders to take on Red Mist.
What it’s got working for it: Loved the original.
What’s it’s got going against it: Older versions of these characters lack the charm that made the original so watchable.
LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER
Release Date: August 16, 2013
What it’s about: Inspired by the true story of a White House butler who served eight American presidents.
What it’s got working for it: A terrific cast headlined by Forest Whitaker.
What’s it’s got going against it: The trailer walks a fine line between poignant/stirring and pat/cloying. The movie could fall on either side.
JOBS
Release Date: August 16, 2013
What it’s about: Apple founder Steve Jobs.
What it’s got working for it: Jobs was an interesting guy – in both good and bad ways.
What’s it’s got going against it: How much of the real Jobs will the film capture? The brilliant inventor who revolutionized technology? As well as the guy who made it a habit to park in handicapped spots?
PARANOIA
Release Date: August 16, 2013
What it’s about: A brilliant young tech wiz gets caught up in a high-stakes world of industrial espionage.
What it’s got working for it: Well…there’s Harrison Ford. And Gary Oldman.
What’s it’s got going against it: Liam Hemsworth as the brilliant young tech wiz. You buying it? Me neither.
THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Release Date: August 21, 2013
What it’s about: A teenager finds out she’s a descendant of the Shadowhunters, protectors of this world from otherworldly creatures.
What it’s got working for it: Again, it’s based on a book series that was presumably popular enough to warrant a movie.
What’s it’s got going against it: In the tradition of Twilight and The Hunger Games comes…more of the same.
THE FROZEN GROUND
Release Date: August 23, 2013
What it’s about: An Alaskan State Trooper hunts down a serial killer.
What it’s got working for it: An intriguing premise…
What’s it’s got going against it: …that has been done to death. What sets this movie apart?
THE WORLD’S END
Release Date: August 23, 2013
What it’s about: A group of former buddies, now middle-aged men, reunite for a massive pub crawl – that takes a decidedly unearthly turn.
What it’s got working for it: From the people who brought us Shaun of the Dead.
What’s it’s got going against it: Also Hot Fuzz.
YOU’RE NEXT
Release Date: August 23, 2013
What it’s about: A gang of masked murderers crash a family reunion, but unbeknownst to all, a far more dangerous killer resides in the house.
What it’s got working for it: An interesting twist on the serial killer genre.
What’s it’s got going against it: The trailer doesn’t deliver on the promised inventiveness. Just looks like more of the same old same old.
CLOSED CIRCUIT
Release Date: August 28, 2013
What it’s about: A couple take on the defense of an accused terrorist.
What it’s got working for it: It looks like a smart, suspenseful international thriller.
What’s it’s got going against it: Possibly too cerebral for its own good?
GETAWAY
Release Date: August 30, 2013
What it’s about: A former race car driver must race the clock in a Shelby Cobra Mustang to save his wife.
What it’s got working for it: Could be a cross between Speed and Bullitt.
What’s it’s got going against it: Or Speed II and Gone in 60 Seconds.
Tagged: 2 Guns, Close Circuit, Disney's Planes, Elysium, Getaway, JOBS Lee Daniel's The Butler, Kick-Ass 2, Paranoia, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, The Frozen Ground, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The World's End, We're the Millers, You're Next
July 29, 2013
July 29, 2013: Our Movie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Stargate!
Monster not familiar wit Stargate series starring MacGyver and RuPaul so left somewhat confused by dis film dat be reminiscent of de old Crosby and Hope road movies – but wit more killing and androgyny.
Movie open in distant past where revival of de musical Hair get awaken while sleeping on a giant soundstage. Wind blow, lights flash and one guy get up and start walking toward de source of de fooferah…
Upsy daisy!
Suddenly, we in 1928 Egypt. At site of big dig, archeologist’s daughter help herself (aka “steal”) a locket while her dad oversee discovery of a giant ring. Let’s call it a stargate for now.
Suddenly, we in present day where archeologist’s daughter has blossomed into an old lady. Monster know it be de archeologist’s daughter because she still wearing de pendant she borrowed (aka “stole”) from de dig site. She peek in on speech given by kooky archeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson. Speech not go over well and before you know it, room clear out faster den karaoke night when it Grover’s turn to sing.
Dr. Jackson offered a job translating ancient scribble-scrabble discovered at dat 1928 dig site. He get to work at top secret Air Force base and, in no time, realizes scribble scrabble not language but constellations! It aktually be an address. But to where?!
Well, it turn out government have a stargate (dat giant ring dey find in de desert) and it a gateway to de other end of de known universe. All dey have to do is input symbols and it spin like a rotary phone. Daniel identify a symbol dat everyone assume be de final piece of de dialing sekwence. Dey start dialing. When dey get to six, Daniel told “Dis be as far as we have gotten.” Really? Why? Dere be a limited number of symbols on dat gate. If you already got to six, what stop dem from running thru all remaining symbols? Ah, mebbe t.v. series answer dis qwestion.
Scientists succeed in getting lock and creating shimmering grey puddle in gate dat resemble monster’s backyard pool after Snufflelupagus go for a dip. Amazing! What could like on de other side? New worlds? New civilizations? Breathable air?
Well, only one way to find out. Send someone thru. Or, not better yet, send a bunch of people thru! Inkluding Dr. Jackson who, like most meek nerds, be fighting off sneezy allergy. Allergy to what? Air Force uniforms?
Leading de expedition to de other side be Colonel Jack O’Neill, a suicidal soldier who broken up over loss of his son. How monster know dis? Because in scene where he be introduced, he sitting in room, surrounded by pictures of his son, considering while he weigh his gun in his hand. But how monster know for sure? Because Air Force guys who visit him have conversation in deir car dat go someting like: “What de matter wit him?” “Oh, he all upset becuz his son be dead.” Subtle, no?
Whoa. Monster need a cool-down joint.
Jackson and soldiers step thru and go on crazy twist turny ride dat remind monster of last time he drop acid wit De Count. Dey arrive on other side desert planet where dey meet natives mining minerals. But for who?
Unfortunately, team not able to gate back. Jackson diskover address back to Earth but last symbol missing. And it impossible to dial witout final symbol. Unless, of course, you try every limited symbol on de stargate – but who have time for dat?
De Original Odd Couple – if de stargate was aktually a time machine and dey went back to pre-1965 before Neil Simon wrote De Odd Couple.
Alien pyramid ship land under cover of sandstorm and capture Jackson and co. Alien leader, who have taken over body of curious native we saw in opening scene, assume identity of sun god Ra. He force natives to worship him. And plan to get dem even more onside by forcing Dr. Jackson to kill O’Neill and de soldiers in front of big crowd. How, exaktly, dis terruble plan will help Ra in any way be never explained. Mebbe t.v. seris answer dis qwestion.
Ra and Friends. New on Cartoon Network!
If nothing else, Ra’s bad judgement allow Jackson to turn tables on him and eskape wit soldiers and den, wit help of natives, mount attack on pyramid ship.
Jackson’s girlfriend get killed but, luckily, Ra have a revita-coffin on his ship dat make dead people alive again. Why? Becuz it cool? Mebbe. Daniel transport him and gal up to ship using weird ring technology while O’Neill fight one of Ra’s bodyguards down below.
Meanwhile, bomb dat O’Neill brought wit him be turned into SUPERbomb by Ra who intend to send it thru de stargate back to Earth. It countdown as -
On ship, Daniel bring his gal back to life, but get caught by Ra who proceed to torture him wit glowey hand device.
O’Neill kill Ra’s guard by knocking him onto platform and initiating ring technology dat decapitate him and send his head back up to ship -
COINCIDENTALLY saving Daniel and his gal who just HAPPEN to be lying on the ring platform up on de ship.
But it too late to turn off bomb. And ship start taking off. What to do? What to do?!
Suddenly, O’Neill and Jackson arrive at idea. Presumably dey heard audience screaming obvious solution to dem from five minutes earlier. Dey transport bomb up to Ra’s ship. It explode!
Celebration! Jackson get de girl! O’Neill not feeling so suicidal! Showtime green light t.v. series!
Verdikt: Interesting premise. Yep, dat premise pretty interesting.
Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.
Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Stargate, science fiction, Stargate, Stargate the movie
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