Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 444

October 11, 2013: How’d that telemarketer get your cell phone number? More than likely, from a company you do business with!

About a year ago, I started receiving nuisance calls to my cell phone.  I couldn’t understand it because, unlike my home phone number (which has long since been retired alongside the likes of VHS tapes, VCR’s, and Freddie Prinze Jr.), it’s a number I never gave out.  Or so I assumed.  Back in the day, I wouldn’t think twice about giving up my home phone number because, the truth was, I never answered my home phone.  In the last few years of its life, it’s only practical function was to act as the high-tech equivalent of a bug-zapper or roach motel except, instead of annoying insects, it was attracting and neutralizing telemarketers.  And then, something changed.  I noticed it started to happen to me a couple of years ago after I signed up with Shaw as my home internet provider.  Suddenly, I started receiving calls out of the blue, not from friends or family, but from Shaw representatives with fantastic deals which would allow me to bundle my pre-existing internet services with their basic cable package.  It would undoubtedly have saved me a few bucks but I refused for two reasons: 1. A number of my fellow producers on Stargate had the Shaw cable package and they had nothing but bad things to say about the Shaw home service.  2.  I don’t contribute to charities that come to my house soliciting donations so, by extension, I don’t sign up for offers from companies that call me up on my private cell phone number.  Fed up, I in essence told Shaw to “knock it off”.  And they did.

Over the past year, however, I’ve started receiving calls from mysterious third parties offering everything from travel giveaways to insurance.  As a rule, I don’t answer unknown calls from any number who’s area code is more than a half hour drive from my place.  Sometimes, however, I answer on reflex and end up in an, albeit brief, conversation with these mysterious third party shillers.  One such call came the other day from a company offering me – ironically enough – password protection and piece of mind for my online banking.  I turned them down and though nothing of it – until this afternoon when I noticed a missed call from an unfamiliar number: (855) 465-4016.

A quick internet search of the number revealed several online discussions from individuals who felt harassed by theses nuisance calls that originated from a company called Zedd Solutions.  It is, apparently, a marketing agency that works for companies like Rogers Communications and, as it turns out, my bank.  When I phoned up my bank’s customer service center for some clarification of the issue – and, more importantly, an answer to the question: “Why did you give these people my number?” – the person I spoke to played dumb but said he’d received a similar complaint that morning and would be happy to put me in touch with Zedd Solutions to ensure my name was removed from their call list.  And so, I was put in touch with a rep from Zedd Solutions who told me he’d be happy to remove my number from their call list for the “password protection” offer they were currently calling about.  I told him I wanted to have my number removed from ALL future calls and he informed me that wasn’t possible.

Annoyed, I asked him how the hell he got my number.  He demurred, then claimed he wasn’t, technically, with the call center so he wasn’t privy to that sort of information.  I called bullshit on that answer and pressed him.  Finally, reluctantly, he confirmed that Zedd Solutions got my phone number from my bank.  ”Should I go ahead and remove your list from that promotion?”he asked me.

“Don’t bother,”I told him because, really, removing my number from one promotion wouldn’t stop the cold calling.  No.  It became readily apparently to me that there was only one way to stop the cold calling.

Tomorrow, I’m going to my local bank branch and closing my existing accounts.

Presumably, they can’t offer me deals on a service I’m no longer using.

Can they?

 

Tagged: telemarketers, telemarketing, Zedd Solutions

October 10, 2013: News of note!

A heads up to all those who knew cherluvya.  This from blog regular PBMom:

“In honor of Cheryl Ann McCabe, on Friday night (tomorrow), Oct 11, 2013 we are going to watch the final 3 episodes of SGU and talk about the show and our memories of Cheryl, funny stories, her words of wisdom. Come join us. It is 1 a.m. BST, which is 8 p.m. Eastern time, 7 p.m. Central Time, 6 p.m. Mountain Time, 5 p.m. Pacific Time. I’m not sure what it would be in other countries though. Here is the link: http://sgurewind.com/chats/“

“The ability to experience positive emotions, like love and attachment, would mean that dogs have a level of sentience comparable to that of a human child.”: Dogs are people too? We don’t need scientists to tell us that

Is it time Hollywood started rethinking its big budget pic strategy?  The answer is “Yes, obviously!”.  The real question should be: “Will they?”  http://wallstcheatsheet.com/stocks/5-top-grossing-paramount-films-that-barely-made-a-profit.html/?ref=YF

Oh those little rascals!  5 of the Worst Failures in the History of Adult Supervision 

The director and co-writer of the execrable Natural Born Killers criticizes the Breaking Bad finale for being too violent: Oliver Stone Slams “Ridiculous” Violence In ‘Breaking Bad’ Finale

I know airline food is bad, but really!  Air China Serves Expired In-Flight Food; 50 Fall Ill

Just in time for my trip to Tokyo: 11 unique experiences for tourists to Japan

Weatherman accidentally eats cat vomit.  What more can I say?  http://bigfrog104.com/watch-weatherman-who-accidentally-eats-cat-vomit-during-live-broadcast-video/

October 9, 2013: In memory of Cheryl

Some sad news to pass along.  This morning, I learned that a member of our extended blog family passed away.    Cheryl, or cherluvya, as many of you knew her, was a longtime Stargate fan who frequented this blog on a regular basis.  In the all-too short time we spent with Cheryl, we got to know her as a kind and generous soul who placed her family above all.  Diagnosed with breast cancer in late 2010, she underwent treatments that taxed her physically, at one point affecting her ability to read.  And yet, despite her difficulties, she remained unflaggingly positive, both here and on twitter (https://twitter.com/cherluvya) where her cheerful attitude and positive outlook buoyed the spirits of all who knew her.

I suspect she was a very private person and, for that reason, only truly discussed her health issues on her personal blog.  There is a September 2010 entry detailing the initial diagnosis:

September 2010

And then, in October, an account of a near-death experience:

October 2010

In addition to our conversations on this blog, Cheryl and I also exchanged the occasional emails – the first not long after her cancer diagnosis, another late last year when she told me she was working on a book series inspired by her grandchildren.  The last one I received was a little over a month ago following the wedding of her youngest daughter.  She updated me on the progress of her book, forwarded pictures of her grandkids, and left me with the following observation from Dr. Bob Moorehead:

SOMETHING TO PONDER

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 
 
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 
 
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
 
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things. 
 
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 
 
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. 
 
Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
 
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 
 
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.
 
Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
 
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
 
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
 
And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

October 8, 2013: Celebrating in the grand American tradition! In Canada!

To the casual observer, Canadians and Americans are practically indistinguishable from one another.  I mean, sure, there are the odd physical disparities (ie. our eleventh toe, the fact that our hearts are located approximately three inches lower than that of the average American’s) but, for the most part, it’s very hard to pick a non-sandal-wearing Canadian out of a Taco Bell line-up.  Closer scrutiny, however, reveals notable cultural differences between the two countries.  Our money is more colorful, for instance, providing a more level playing field for near-sighted pickpockets and inspiring such uniquely Canadian terms as “She’s as blue as a fiver” or “Pink as a fifty!”.  Our professional footballs are fatter, given that they were originally modelled on a pregnant woman’s abdomen, and thus easier to kick blindfolded.  In Canada, ambulances are called “hospital limos” and their sirens are only half as deafening as their American counterparts because, let’s face it, they don’t need to be THAT loud.  Most interestingly of all are the slight variances between our respective national holidays.  Whereas our southern neighbors commemorate Arbor Day by planting trees, we commerate Armoire Days by cutting down trees and using their wood to build ornate standing closets.  Rather than celebrate the politically incorrect Christmas Holi-(Holy/Holly)-days, we celebrate the less offensive religious/gender-neutral Gazpacho Days.  In the U.S., Americans give thanks on the fourth Thursday of every November, a day called Thanksgiving.  In Canada, Canadians give thanks on the second Monday in October, a day called Thanksgiving as well.  Also, Sorry Monday.

Yes, Canadian Thanksgiving is next Monday, so I thought I’d do something special to mark the occasion, something that would incorporate the traditions of both countries.  For starters, instead of celebrating October 14th or waiting for November 28th, I decided to split the difference (more or less) and celebrate on Sunday, October 13th.  This way, my football buddies can partake in that most American of Thanksgiving holiday traditions…the turducken!

via 4505meats.com

And what, pray tell, is a turducken?  ”Turducken is a dish consisting of a de-boned chicken stuffed into a de-boned duck, which is in turn stuffed into a de-boned turkey.” (Wikipedia).

The first time I ever laid eyes on a turducken was when former football analyst John Madden prepared one prior to a game.  A chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.  I mean, you couldn’t get more Madden than that.  And then, the more I thought about it, the more I thought: “Why stop there?”  Why not get a pheasant in there?  And inside the pheasant, a cornish game hen?  And inside the game hen, a squab?  And inside the squab, a quail?  How awesome would THAT be? The correct answer is: VERY!

But maybe I get a little ahead of myself.  First thing’s first.  Let’s start with the simple turducken.  And I do mean “simple”.  I won’t be doing any of the actual deboning and stuffing myself.  I’ve ordered one up for next weekend from my local butcher.  All I’ll have to do is pop it in the oven for 5-6 hours and then enjoy with a side of Joel Robuchon mashed potatoes (the secret is in the butter and LOTS of it) and maybe something Canadian as well.  Maple fudge? I don’t know yet.

So, how many of you have tried your hands at turducken?  Any suggestions?  Tips?  Warnings?  Do I roast it?  Or do I incorporate yet another most American of traditions and drop it into a giant pot of boiling oil?

Tagged: Thanksgiving, turducken

October 7, 2013: Just ignore it and it’ll go away! Unless it’s a back ache! Friends of this blog!

Well, hmmm.  It’s been almost three weeks and I’m still dealing with this back issue. I’d call it more of an ache than a pain that comes and goes, reminding me of its presence whenever I’m walking or rising from a sitting position.  The two doctors I’ve been to suspect it’s a muscular problem but it feels more like a bone issue to me, localized on the back of my right hip.  Also, I can’t imagine what I could have done to trigger it since I was actually taking some time off from my weight training when the issue first cropped up.  So what could have caused it?  The only instant that comes to mind – and, to be honest, I don’t recall if it happened BEFORE or AFTER my back started hurting – was the searing pain I experienced in the exact spot the moment I attempted to drag Jelly’s dog bed into the kitchen – using only my right foot.  Could that have been it?

Anyway, I went to see a massage therapist last week.  I suspect that her former gig was as a lead interrogator at Abu Ghraib.  Curiously, she didn’t address the problem area directly.  Instead, she poked and prodded and kneaded and, at one point, even applied the Vulcan nerve pinch to the bordering regions.  ”You’re quite sensitive,”she noted as I squirmed under her attempt to reach inside me and pull out my spleen. “Well, yes,”I said.  ”I’m an artist after all.”

So, that was days ago and I still don’t feel any better.  In fact, I feel a little worse. Not my lower back, mind you.  That’s no more or less problematic than it was.  I refer to my bruised hips.  I’m scheduled to go back again on Thursday morning when, no doubt, I’ll probably give up all my secret contacts and the location of the safe house.

I figure I’ll give it a couple of more days and then go to the hospital for a third opinion.  And x-ray.

Hey, Das.  You asked for Akemi’s chickpea salad recipe.  Well, here it is:

Check out all Akemi’s other recipes here: Peasnatch Akemi

And keeping you updated on the exploits of the friends of this blog:

MIPCOM: Don Carmody Television Hires ‘Stargate’s Carl Binder for ‘Echoes’ Pilot (Exclusive) (Carl Binder, Mark Savela, and Ken Kabatoff start development on a new SF project)

http://www.sfwa.org/2013/10/event-michael-burstein-imagines-technical-communication-2073/ (Michael A. Burstein imagines technical communications in 2073)

Jennifer Finnigan To Star In FX Pilot ‘Tyrant’ (Jennifer Finnigan lands the female lead in FX’s Tyrant)

Diana Theatrical Trailer – Naomi Watts, Naveen Andrews – HD (2013) (Cas Anvar’s new movie, Diana, opens November 1st)

October 6, 2013: Let’s Get Controversial!

Wow.  It feels like forever since I’ve said anything remotely controversial on this blog.

And so, at the risk of offending those people who foolishly disagree with my opinion, here are my thoughts on some recent controversies in the news…

THE CAPTAIN PHILLIPS CONTROVERSY

A movie called Captain Phillips opens on October 11th.  It’s a dramatization of the true-life hijacking of an American cargo ship by Somali pirates.  Tom Hanks plays the role of Captain Phillips, a man who – if Hollywood is to be believed – showed great bravery in the face of danger and was responsible for saving the lives of his crew. EXCEPT…according to the crew members of the MV Maersk Alabama, the movie is complete and utter bullshit.  They claim that rather than being the hero portrayed in the movie, Captain Phillips was directly responsible for their being hijacked in the first place:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2439561/Captain-Phillips-lawsuit-says-risked-Maersk-Alabama-crews-lives.html

According to them “Phillips captained his ship against more than seven maritime warnings and his own men’s pleas, sailing deep into waters notorious for pirate attack.”  According to their lawyer: “It is galling for them to see Captain Phillips being set up as a hero. It is just horrendous and they’re angry.”  And here’s the thing. We’re just hearing about this now thanks to the movie.  The eleven crew members launched their lawsuit back in 2009.

Granted, nothing has been proven.  On the one hand, the crew may be right and Captain Phillips intentionally put their lives in danger, bearing significant responsibility for what happened to them.  On the other hand, it could simply be a case of massive ineptitude on the part of Captain Phillips who, despite warnings to keep 600 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia, mistakenly sailed within 250 nautical miles of the coast.  Whichever the case, it’s pretty clear that this movie offers a little more than a “dramatization of events”.

I’ll be giving this movie a pass.

THE BULLY BIKERS CONTROVERY

A couple and their two year old child have their range rover swarmed by a bunch of bikers in downtown Manhattan.  The driver is pulled out of the car and beaten in front of his family.  But wait!  The bikers claim there was a good reason they were beating the guy up.  The driver was apparently “driving like a maniac”.  He ran over one of their friends and they were merely giving chase after the fact.

Well…yes and no as a video of the incident reveals…

What the video shows is a bunch of bikers passing a range rover on the highway. Suddenly, one of the bikers cuts in front of the range rover and brake checks him, coming to a FULL STOP.  The range rover slows down and comes to a stop, but not before nudging the motorcycle.  As a result, all of the bikers stop, blocking in the range rover, and proceed to vandalize the vehicle.  No doubt fearing for his safety and that of his family, the driver did what I suspect most people in his position would have done: he floored it, hitting and injuring a biker who was blocking him in.

Eventually, the bikers catch up with him in traffic, smash in his window, drag him from his range rover, and beat him.

In an interview on CNN, one of the bikers claimed THEY were the innocent victims. Also, the media was incorrect in characterizing them as a “gang”.  When the interviewer asked him how HE would describe the group, the biker replied: “Family.” Well, as it so happened, the police were hoping to identify some of those family members from the above footage.  Did HE recognize any of those meting out the beat?  Alas, no. I suppose those two would be the familial equivalent of very distant cousins.

It’s tragic that people got hurt, but even more tragic that bikers assume they own the roads (and, in some instances, the sidewalks), free to intimidate drivers and pedestrians alike.  I have no idea how this is going to play out, but judging from the online comments, the court of public opinion has come down squarely against these bullies on bikes.

THE U.S. INTERVENTION CONTROVERSY

Two recent American raids on terrorist targets in Libya and Somalia have engendered some controversy given that these operations took place on the soil of purported “friends” of the West.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/10/06/us-security-africa-raids-idUSBRE99502Z20131006

What business does the U.S. have mounting these ops without permission of the local governments?  Well, to that I would answer: “If you can’t clean your own house, someone far more capable is going to do it for you.”  I’m reminded of Pakistan, our “ally in the war on terror”, that would constantly complain about American ops straying into their country.  Bin Laden was hiding out in the mountainous regions of Afghanistan, after all.  How dare the U.S. impugn their sovereignty by…uh.  Oh.  Bin Laden was actually IN PAKISTAN when they found him?  My, how embarrassing, no?

Well, no.  Despite the fact that the world’s most wanted terrorist was living right under their noses, the Pakistan government were positively indignant that they were made to look like fools  such an operation would take place on their soil without permission.  Presumably, they would have gotten him.  Eventually.

My advice to countries seeking to avoid similar injury to their national pride: CLEAN YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE!

THE CAPTIOL HILL SHOOTING CONTROVERSY

Another tragedy the other day, this one in the nation’s capitol, when a young mother with mental issues was gunned down after leading police on a high-speed car chase.  People are now questioning whether the police used excessive force in dealing with the situation.  The woman was, after all, unarmed.  She didn’t have a weapon.  Unless, of course, one counts the 1.2 ton vehicle she was racing through the streets of D.C….

Capitol Hill shooting: Use of deadly force questioned

It’s very sad this woman lost her life.  That being said, I think it’s all too easy to reconsider options long after the fact.  If you check out the video, you’ll see that, at one point, the vehicle is surrounded.  The driver is instructed to get out of the car. Instead, she peals out in reverse, narrowly missing some of the officers, and drives off.  Were there alternate ways the police could have defused the situation?  Maybe if they’d let her go and mailed her a bill for the damages?  Waited for her to run out of gas?  Certainly the video shows that reasoning with her was out of the question.

In the end, questioning these officers in hindsight is easy.  Dealing with an unknown entity with your life on the life isn’t.

To those of you asking about our Supermovie of the Week Club – okay, to gforce who asks – I’ve decided to give our long-suffering film critic a much-needed vacation. He’ll be back to review Man of Steel, The Wolverine, Kick-Ass 2, and Thor: The Dark World before giving of his list of The Tp 10 Superhero Movies of All Time.

October 5, 2013: My Top 10 Funniest/Strangest/Most Annoying Script Notes!

10. We need more action before the tease.

9. P.37 – This episode really starts hitting its stride here.

8. Her line: “Oh my god, fire!” is a bit on the nose.

7. Funnier?

6. The final scene of the episode is a little cliff-hangery.  Was this intentional?

5. We need a few more, and more succinct, George Kennedy moments

4. Is this Earth’s moon? (Note on a third season script for a series set in another galaxy).

3. Would Mrs. Garson use the term “missiles”?  Sounds too professional.

2. Let’s find an alternative to “doggy-style”.  It’s all we see these days.

1. Maybe is she refers to her bitch later on, they assume she is talking about her dog but she is in fact talking about her mother who she has a bad relationship with.

October 4, 2013: The Be All My Sins Remember’d Art Department Package!

Check it out.  Just a part of the prep and planning that went into every episode…

 

 

 

 

Tagged: Atlantis, SGA, Stargate, Stargate: Atlantis

October 3, 2013: Dogs! Banana! Mailbag!

Lulu enjoys some banana.  And so does Bubba.

Mailbag:

fsmn36 writes: “Did you naturally just like the Batman villains more (for their writing or whatever) or were the villain issues released heavily skewed to Batman villains?”

Answer: My selections were based on the writing.  I wasn’t all that familiar with the likes of Ocean Master, Zod, Clayface, or Count Vertigo prior to picking up their books but was mightily impressed by their respective stories.

fsmn36 also writes: “These reviews are interesting to me as I’m not a fan of (most of) Batman’s villains. They tend to seem ridiculous and like they shouldn’t be a challenge (well, ok, I give Clayface his transformation power).”

Answer: Well, it really depends on the villain.  The Penguin is a crime lord and has the resources of his criminal empire to draw from.  The Riddler is brilliant.  The Joker is psychotic and completely unpredictable.  The Scarecrow can trigger one’s innermost fears.  Mr. Freeze – well, he can freeze people.

fsmn36 also writes: “Also, why can’t Gotham Police ever keep them in jail/Arkham for more than a day?”

Answer: True.  You’d think that after the fiftieth breakout, they might want to consider yanking its license and moving the prisoners to more secure locations like Belle Reve or Hypermax…which haven’t fared any better this month.

Mike from Canada writes: “I finished watching Suisei No Gargantia, which I enjoyed, and am now watching Bakemonogatari, which I’m not sure what to think of.”

Answer: Akemi and I just completed the first season of Attack on Titan.  Overall, I found the lack of answers incredibly frustrating.  It’s been a long while since I actually watched an anime series I thoroughly enjoyed.  Steins Gate was fine.  The first two-thirds of the first season of Sword Art Online was also fine.  Would love to find something great.

PBMom writes: “Promise to catch up, but I have the first news of pilots renewed. Sleepy Hollow is a YES.”

Answer: Yep.  Congratulations to everyone (and myself) who predicted it would get a second season pick-up.  Now let’s wait and see how the other shows fare.  The Blacklist and Agents of SHIELD are looking good.  Lucky 7 and Ironside, not so much.

arcticgoddess writes: “Are you going to tell us about the making of the SGU episodes? I, for one, would like the backstory.”

Answer: Hey, you’re right.  Thanks for reminding me.  I’ve got to get around to doing a Days of Stargate Universe Past!

October 2, 2013: The Top 10 Titles of DC’s Supervillains Month!

In case you missed it, September was Supervillains Month, four glorious weeks in which DC celebrated 52 of its most colorful baddies by giving each their own one-shot.  Following the events of Trinity War that saw Earth’s greatest heroes defeated at the hands of Earth-3′s nefarious Crime Syndicate, massive jailbreaks and irresistible opportunity resulted in these villains taking over the pages of DC’s regular titles.  And, being a big fan of the bad guys, how could I resist?

Like any story collection, there were highs and lows.  When all was said and done, I enjoyed the majority, disliked about a dozen, but absolutely loved a handful.

Counting down my Top 10 Titles of DC’s Supervillains Month…

#10. RA’S AL GHUL AND THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS (James Tynion IV – writer, Jeremy Haum – artist)

It’s 1285.  Crusaders descend upon a dark tower in the east, demanding to see its master, a reputed demon.  As it turns out, he turns out to be neither man nor demon.  He is Ra’s Al Ghul, and he is their death.

We flashforward to the present day where, after the events of Trinity War, Ra’s Al Ghul is paid a visit by a representative of The Society, the new world order.  Rather than accept The Society’s offer, Ra’s Al Ghul engages their agent in a sword duel.  As they battle, we flashback to Ra’s Al Ghul’s rise – his adventures from the ancient East through the Orient, 17th century London, 18th century China, 19th century America, and 20th century Eastern Europe – and the loss he experiences at the hands of Batman.  It’s a fascinating journey that informs us on the man, his attitude and intelligence, something The Society’s agent doesn’t seem to comprehend until it’s too late.  But by book’s end, WE understand: Ra’s Al Ghul is a force to be reckoned with.

#9. OCEAN MASTER (Geoff Johns & Tony Bedard – plot, Tony Beard – words, Geraldo Borges – pencils)

Being a somewhat sporadic comic book reader, I wasn’t familiar with a number of these villains.  Take Ocean Master for one.  Given the deep sea motif, I assumed he was an Aquaman adversary.  Other than that – well, I don’t know much.  And, after reading this issue, I still don’t know all that much about his background.  Unlike quite a few of the other titles, Ocean Master #1 eschews an origin story (or, frankly, any backstory) in favor of a character study of the self-proclaimed “King of Atlantis”. We find him, quite literally, a fish out of water, cooling his gills at Belle Reve Penitentiary in Louisiana.  His imperious manner and dismissive attitude toward his court-appointed lawyer is undercut by the fact that he is beholden to a kindly prison guard for the regular water allowance that keeps him alive.

When the prison is crashed by unknown forces, the lawyer is killed.  The guard, grievously wounded, asks for help.  Ocean Master repays the man’s kindness by doing him a kindness in turn, killing him to end his suffering.  What’s interesting here is that he’s not motivated by cruelty but pity for a lesser being, ending his life as easily as one might uproot a sick plant.

On his journey back to the sea, he happens upon two escaped convicts threatening a woman at a diner.  He takes them down for disrespecting him.  The fact that he saves their victim is incidental – and that becomes clear when the woman pleads with him to help protect her boy.  He’s only eight.  ”Then he should know how to defend himself,”Ocean Master responds.  ”It was what I had to do.  It was what I was forced to do to prepare myself for the responsibilities I have.”  The mother races home to save her son from a group of thugs and, as her anguished cries rise up, Ocean Master walks away and into ocean.

He disappears beneath the waves but then, suddenly, breaks the surface. “Eight,”he says, casting his gaze out toward land.  ”Eight is too young.”  Is he going back to save the boy?  Is he simply demonstrating sympathy for the kid?  Or are his final words really only meant for himself?  I love the ambiguity of the ending and the ambiguity of the character, a villain with depth and purpose.  While I may not be anymore familiar with Ocean Master’s background after reading this issue, I certainly know more about his character than that of the many other DC villains.

#8. ZOD (written by George Pak, with art by Ken Lashley)

Outside of his banishment to the Phantom Zone at the beginning of the first Superman movie, General Zod is another character I’m not all that familiar with. Unlike Ocean Master’s outing, here we’re presented with a backstory as well as a nuanced character, although one perhaps not quite as interesting as the “King of Atlantis”.

As a youth, Zod demonstrates unease, even fear, at the prospect of dissecting an alien specimen his father, a scientist, has been experimenting on.  What at first we take for weakness actually ends up proven prescience when the aliens escape, sending young Zod and his parents on the run into the thick jungle surrounding the lab.  Sometime later, a rescue party arrives on the scene led by Jor-El (aka Superman’s dad).  They discover Zod, the sole survivor.

Years later, Zod is General Zod, a ruthless warrior with a deep-seeded hatred for the char, the aliens that killed his parents.  The humorless Zod is ridiculed by many of his fellow Kryptonians, his warnings of an impending char attack falling on deaf ears until – he is proven correct.  The char launch a devastating attack, but they are defeated by Zod who saves the day.  Celebrated and empowered, Zod launches an attack on the char homeworld, massacring the species.  But it’s a victory far more bitter than sweet because Jor-El has made a shocking discovery.  It turns out the char that attacked Krypton, killing thousands of its citizens, were actually a hybrid created by Zod.

Zod is banished and, as the Phantom Zone claims him, we are treated to a final flashback of young Zod’s first encounter with the char.  As he and his father flee into the jungle, they stop to catch their breath. Escape seems futile and, in what could be their last moments, father apologizes to son.  ”It’s alright, father,”young Zod forgives his dad – before driving a branch into his eye.  As his father collapses, his screams attracting the pursuing char, Zod makes good his escape.  Not so much a twist but a gruesome little Machiavellian beat that adds an interesting touch to this driven villain.

#7. TWO FACE (Peter J. Tomasi – writer, Guillem March – artist)

I like my villains ambiguous and unpredictable and, in both cases, you’ll be hard-pressed to find better than Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, a man motivated not by benevolence or self-interest but the flip of a coin.  At the beginning of this tale, we discover Harvey on a rooftop, in mid coin flip.  As Gotham burns, he must decide what to do: help or hurt.  But before the decision can be made for him, the coin is snatched out of mid-air by a fellow rogue, the Scarecrow.  He has come bearing an invitation to join the new evil order, and it is offered in the form of a unique coin. Harvey accepts the invitation, but reminds Scarecrow what he and The Secret Society should already know: “It doesn’t matter which one I flip.  The coin’s answer is always final.”

And he promptly proves the point, resuming his earlier coin flip. Heads, he saves Gotham.  Tails, he lets it bleed.  It comes up heads – and so he embarks on a vigilante campaign, eliminating threats with extreme prejudice.  At the Gotham City Courthouse, he presides over various criminals, meting out the death penalty as punishment for various crimes.  The courthouse is crashed by a group representing the Secret Society who have taken exception to Two Face’s brand of justice.  They murder some of Harvey’s associates.  Harvey responds in kind, gunning them down and killing the deal he made with their employers.  ”Give my regards to the ferryman,”he says, slipping the Society’s invitation coin into their dead agent’s mouth before returning to the rooftop for another tough decision.  Heads he saves Gotham; tails he makes it bleed.

A quintessential Two Face tale and another example of a story that tells us all we need to know about a character through his actions rather than his origins.

#6: MR. FREEZE (Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti – writers, Jason Masters – artist)

Our story begins thirty years ago in Gotham city where, on a snowy winter’s night, a young Victor Fries watches from his bedroom window as his father walks out on his family.  Young Victor finds solace in his doting mother but, a year later, even that small comfort is denied him after a tragic accident claims her life.  The rest of the story unfolds as a character study of the adult Victor Fries, now a supervillain incarcerated at Arkham Asylum.  He is obsessed with the second life his father has built for himself and wants to reach out to his new family.  And the opportunity presents itself when Arkham Asylum is crashed by outside forces.  Finally free, Victor resassumes his Mr. Freeze identity but, rather than flee Gotham, he elects to stay. As he puts it: “I had grudges which needed to be dealt with.”

He enlists some cannibalistic thugs to his cause, but when they prove unruly (which is, I suppose, is something to be expected from cannibals), he “ices” them, along the way demonstrating small mercy for a nurse who once helped him.  He is a man on a mission but, apparently, not one without some compassion.  And, as he forges ahead, we are offered a glimpse of his past and the tragic events that led to his cryogenic condition.

When all is said and done, we bear witness to a family reunion of sorts as Mr. Freeze finally dines with his step-mother, step-brother, and step-sister in a final tableau: he raising a glass in toast while they, frozen solid at the dinner table, enjoy their final meal.  You may see it coming but even that doesn’t lessen the impact of that final, horrifying panel.

A solid tale with a remarkably chilling atmosphere compliments of Dave McCaig’s cool blue coloring.

#5. KILLER CROC (Tim Seeley – writer, Francis Portela – arist)

This one took me by surprise.  It starts off as a fairly straightforward cops versus bad guy story but, along the way, subverts our preconceived notions of good and evil, painting the titular villain in a sympathetic, albeit shadowy, light.

A group of Gotham’s finest are making their way through the city’s sewer system when they are ambushed by Killer Croc.  As the survivors attempt to stay one step ahead of their inhuman pursuer and his minions, we flashback to the events that shaped our reptilian antagonist.  As a kid, Waylon Jones was afflicted with a condition that gave him a lizard-skinned appearance.  Eventually, despite his best efforts, the condition spread to the point that he became a pariah, a freak forced to make ends meet by joining a circus.  But when his employer attempted to take advantage of him, Waylon bit the hand that fed him – literally – and embarked on a life of crime.

It’s another case of being presented with a tragic backstory that makes us, if not sympathetic to Waylon (aka Killer Croc), then at least cognizant of why he is the way he is.  Of course, mitigating any compassion we may feel for him is his cold-blooded hunt of the clearly outmatched police officers.  One by one, they fall until only one remains.  He opens a door to what he assumes is freedom but, instead of escape, discovers the body of a fellow officer.  But here’s the twist: this fellow officer did not die at the hands of Killer Croc…

We flashback again and the truth is revealed.  The cops Killer Croc has been pursuing are dirty.  They killed a fellow officer, a man who refused their offer to play ball, a man, it turns out, who once did a kindness to a young boy with a horrible skin condition…

A nice double twist and an unexpectedly touching story.

#4. CLAYFACE (written by John Layman, art by Cliff Richards)

A heavy dose of dark humor makes this one an exceptionally delightful read.

Clayface leads a group of criminals through the sewer system enroute to a bank heist.  But a disagreement with his cohorts brings back painful memories, a pain he is all too quick to share with them.  The heist scuttled, Clayface makes his way to the surface where chaos now reigns and grabs a drink at a local bar peopled by fellow villains.  He’s not quite sure what’s going on but luckily television, as always, has the answers.  The Secret Society has taken over and are actively recruiting talent, however a resistance has formed to fight this new order.  Unfortunately, before Clayface can learn more, a fellow customer puts a bottle through the t.v. screen, dismissing the so-called resistance as little more than “a minor annoyance”.  Clayface dimisses the fellow customer – with a fist to the face that lays him out cold – then heads off.

His plan is quite simple: infiltrate the resistance and destroy it, thereby currying favor with The Secret Society.  As it turns out, two out of three IS bad – especially when “the resistance” you infiltrate and destroy is actually a front created by The Secret Society to capture potential dissenters.  ”This organized resistance,” Clayface is informed, “was organized by us.”  You idiot.

It’s back to the bar for Clayface who, having survived the base’s self-destruct and come out smelling like flowers charcoal, knocks back some more drinks. But it’s not long before he is approached by another group of criminals with yet another plan. They need muscle for a gold heist.  Is he interested?  Is he!  We leave Clayface in the company of his new partners, looking forward to one more shot at getting back on top.

#3. COUNT VERTIGO (writer – Jeff Lemire, artist – Andrea Sorrentino)

Count Zytle arrives in Vancouver, Canada under the pretense of attending a charity fundraiser, but the true reasons for his visit are of a highly personal nature.  It has been nineteen years since his father died, protecting his birthright; nineteen years since rebels forced him and his mother to flee Vlatavia for the safety of North America’s west coast.  Forced into prostitution, his embittered mother placed much of the blame for their circumstances squarely on the young Werner.  Death would have been preferable to the life she now leads, but she didn’t have a choice.  ”I had to run…I had to protect the precious count.”

Things get even worse for young Werner when his mother gives him up to a “special school” for young boys.  There, he is experimented upon, then ostracized by his fellow pupils until the day his power finally manifests itself.  Ten years later, he decides he has had enough and leaves the school that transformed him into a weapon.  When a representative of the institute attempts to stop him, he is dealt with in gruesome fashion.

It’s been many years since, but Count Zytle – aka Count Vertigo – has come back to the school where he was raised.  It stands empty now, long-since abandoned, it’s sole occupant the only living link to his painful past: his mother.  He has imprisoned her as punishment for abandoning him but, after years of drug abuse, she can barely recognize him, much less her dire situation.  In speaking to her son, however, she grows more lucid, apologizing for giving him up.  But he is not interested in dwelling on the past.  ”I think you’ve suffered enough, momma,”he says.  ”I did come here to set you free.”  She assumes this means she is finally going back to Vlatava, but he divests her of the assumption: “Oh, no, momma.  You’re not going home.  You are a junkie and a whore.  You do no deserve to see the homeland ever again.”  It’s release of a different kind he has in mind.  For both of them.  And, after finally putting his past to rest, Count Zytle leaves.  His helicopter flies out into the night while, behind him, the school burns.

An incredibly dark, tightly written tale.  The artwork, by Andrea Sorrentino, is perfect, lending the whole an unrelenting grimness.

#2. JOKER (Andy Kubert – writer, Andy Clarke – art)

Joker is undoubtedly Batman’s greatest enemy and yet I know so little about the clown prince of darkness beyond his psychotic persona.  Yes, he’s crazy, but why? Okay, besides that dip in a chemical bath.

We open on a frightened child, clinging to his monkey doll, cowering in fear, when he is forcibly dragged out of hiding and physically abused by a mother figure.  Her face is never glimpsed, but her hands are heavily featured – chalky, withered, claw-like. One grips a brush, the other a bottle of bleach.  It’s time for a cleaning.  The child’s cries carry off him and over to his abandoned monkey doll lying in a corner of the room…

Flashforward to that child all grown up.  The Joker and his colorful cohorts are enjoying an atypical day at the zoo, feeding some poor fellow to a python, but Joker seems distracted, almost mournful.  Memories of his Aunt Eunice have put him in a bit of a funk and he wanders off…and over to the gorilla enclosure where he lays eyes on a baby gorilla.  And, suddenly, the story shifts into a brilliantly demented version of Bedtime for Bonzo as Joker assumes the role of caregiver to the young primate.  The love and affection he demonstrates toward little Jackanapes is contrasted with the abuse the Joker received as a child.  And yet, despite the fact that he is a psychotic mass murderer,  there’s no denying his love for that young gorilla.

Eventually, Jackanapes grows up and becomes party to Joker’s deranged crimes.  It’s a father-son bonding montage except, in lieu of playing catch, these two build bombs, fire bazookas, dump toxic waste, and burn down department stores.  And when a newly elected council woman decides to shut down the zoo, another perfect outing presents itself.  Jackanapes in tow, Joker attacks a dirigible transporting the council woman over Gotham.  Gunfire is exchanged and the bat signal lit, much to the Joker’s delight.  ”For the past few years I’ve danced with the caped crusader,”he tells Jackanape.  ”And every time we tussle, it gives me even more respect and admiration for him.  Perhaps too much.  I don’t think I could exist without him!”  An admission that elicits a tear from his young gorilla protege.

But things take a tragic turn when they are forced to abandon the dirigible.  The Joker lands on an elevated track but Jackanape ends up in the Gotham river, having failed to pop the wings of his jet pack.  ”Why, Jack?”wonders the Joker. “Why didn’t you pop your wings?”.  Did he panic?  Forget?  Or was it a conscious decision made? For a split second, we see the Joker react in shockingly uncharacteristic fashion.  A single panel conveys a wash of emotions: anguish, loss, sadness.  And then, in instant, they’re gone and our manic villain is back to his old self, throwing his head back and laughing.  The joke, after all, is on him.  He’s going to need a refund for all those swimming lessons.

A tragi-comic masterpiece.

#1. LEX LUTHOR (Charles Soule – writer, Raymund Bermudez – pencils)

This one deftly juggles multiple story elements while offering up a number of great character moments that inform us on Lex Luthor.  Right off the top, there’s an exchange between Luthor and a prison guard as Lex prepares to leave the Hypermax Detention Facility, finally a free man.  ”You want this, George.  Don’t you?”says Lex, referring to his former prison uniform.  Lex points out that it’s prison property, that George could sell it for a lot of money, money that could go toward his children’s education.  George, ever-so-deferential, does not want to presume anything.  But Lex persists.  He’ll never wear it again.  ”All you need to do…”he tells George, holding the prison uniform out toward him, “…is walk over here and take it.”  What follows are two powerful, wordless panels:  the first of George staring longingly at Lex, mere feet away, holding out the prison uniform; the second of George looking on as Lex walks away, his prison uniform slung over his shoulder.  It’s an incredibly effective and powerful moment that leaves no doubt.  Lex Luthor is an asshole.  And an intimidating one at that.

Lex boards his private helicopter and is greeted by his eager new assistant, Casey, who informs him that Superman has, apparently, disappeared.  Lex accepts the news with equal parts significance and skepticism.  Is his hated enemy truly gone? To find out, he puts a devious plan in motion, launching a manned space shuttle and then orchestrating a malfunction that strands the shuttle in a degrading orbit. Will Superman save the day?

The answer, it turns out, is no.  It’s a simple enough point to prove without actually sacrificing the shuttle and its crew, but as Lex tells a horrified Casey: “I didn’t need to save them to get what I wanted.”  The world will see the crash as Superman’s failure.  Of course, he, Lex, could have saved the shuttle – but there was always the chance, however remote, that he might have failed… “…and the world would blame me for failing to succeed.  I learned that lesson years ago.  But no one will blame me for failing to try.”  Casey attempts to call 911, but Lex expected as much and had the foresight to kill communications.  And Casey as well whose green high heeled shoes Lex casually kicks off the rooftop, presumably following their owner’s descent.

It’s back to business for Luthor who has already moved on to his next big scheme. He boards his private helicopter where his eager new assistant, Miranda, awaits. She can barely contain herself at the prospect of working for him.  ”I can’t tell you how excited I am,”she confides.

“Well, of course you are,”says Lex.  ”I’m Lex Luthor for God’s sake.”  Hell, yeah!

How many did you check out and which were your favorites?

Tagged: Andrea Sorrentino, Andy Kubert, Charles Soule, Clayface, Count Vertigo, Dave McCaig, DC, Detective Comics, Geoff Johns, Greg Pak, James Tynion IV, Jeff Lemire, Jimmy Palmiotti, John Layman, Joker, Justin Gray, Killer Croc, Lex Luthor, Mr. Freeze, Ocean Master, Peter J. Tomasi, Ra's Al Ghul, Supervillain, Tim Seeley, Tony Bedard, Two Face, Villains United, Zod