Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 445

October 2, 2013: The Top 10 Titles of DC’s Supervillains Month!

In case you missed it, September was Supervillains Month, four glorious weeks in which DC celebrated 52 of its most colorful baddies by giving each their own one-shot.  Following the events of Trinity War that saw Earth’s greatest heroes defeated at the hands of Earth-3′s nefarious Crime Syndicate, massive jailbreaks and irresistible opportunity resulted in these villains taking over the pages of DC’s regular titles.  And, being a big fan of the bad guys, how could I resist?

Like any story collection, there were highs and lows.  When all was said and done, I enjoyed the majority, disliked about a dozen, but absolutely loved a handful.

Counting down my Top 10 Titles of DC’s Supervillains Month…

#10. RA’S AL GHUL AND THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS (James Tynion IV – writer, Jeremy Haum – artist)

It’s 1285.  Crusaders descend upon a dark tower in the east, demanding to see its master, a reputed demon.  As it turns out, he turns out to be neither man nor demon.  He is Ra’s Al Ghul, and he is their death.

We flashforward to the present day where, after the events of Trinity War, Ra’s Al Ghul is paid a visit by a representative of The Society, the new world order.  Rather than accept The Society’s offer, Ra’s Al Ghul engages their agent in a sword duel.  As they battle, we flashback to Ra’s Al Ghul’s rise – his adventures from the ancient East through the Orient, 17th century London, 18th century China, 19th century America, and 20th century Eastern Europe – and the loss he experiences at the hands of Batman.  It’s a fascinating journey that informs us on the man, his attitude and intelligence, something The Society’s agent doesn’t seem to comprehend until it’s too late.  But by book’s end, WE understand: Ra’s Al Ghul is a force to be reckoned with.

#9. OCEAN MASTER (Geoff Johns & Tony Bedard – plot, Tony Beard – words, Geraldo Borges – pencils)

Being a somewhat sporadic comic book reader, I wasn’t familiar with a number of these villains.  Take Ocean Master for one.  Given the deep sea motif, I assumed he was an Aquaman adversary.  Other than that – well, I don’t know much.  And, after reading this issue, I still don’t know all that much about his background.  Unlike quite a few of the other titles, Ocean Master #1 eschews an origin story (or, frankly, any backstory) in favor of a character study of the self-proclaimed “King of Atlantis”. We find him, quite literally, a fish out of water, cooling his gills at Belle Reve Penitentiary in Louisiana.  His imperious manner and dismissive attitude toward his court-appointed lawyer is undercut by the fact that he is beholden to a kindly prison guard for the regular water allowance that keeps him alive.

When the prison is crashed by unknown forces, the lawyer is killed.  The guard, grievously wounded, asks for help.  Ocean Master repays the man’s kindness by doing him a kindness in turn, killing him to end his suffering.  What’s interesting here is that he’s not motivated by cruelty but pity for a lesser being, ending his life as easily as one might uproot a sick plant.

On his journey back to the sea, he happens upon two escaped convicts threatening a woman at a diner.  He takes them down for disrespecting him.  The fact that he saves their victim is incidental – and that becomes clear when the woman pleads with him to help protect her boy.  He’s only eight.  ”Then he should know how to defend himself,”Ocean Master responds.  ”It was what I had to do.  It was what I was forced to do to prepare myself for the responsibilities I have.”  The mother races home to save her son from a group of thugs and, as her anguished cries rise up, Ocean Master walks away and into ocean.

He disappears beneath the waves but then, suddenly, breaks the surface. “Eight,”he says, casting his gaze out toward land.  ”Eight is too young.”  Is he going back to save the boy?  Is he simply demonstrating sympathy for the kid?  Or are his final words really only meant for himself?  I love the ambiguity of the ending and the ambiguity of the character, a villain with depth and purpose.  While I may not be anymore familiar with Ocean Master’s background after reading this issue, I certainly know more about his character than that of the many other DC villains.

#8. ZOD (written by George Pak, with art by Ken Lashley)

Outside of his banishment to the Phantom Zone at the beginning of the first Superman movie, General Zod is another character I’m not all that familiar with. Unlike Ocean Master’s outing, here we’re presented with a backstory as well as a nuanced character, although one perhaps not quite as interesting as the “King of Atlantis”.

As a youth, Zod demonstrates unease, even fear, at the prospect of dissecting an alien specimen his father, a scientist, has been experimenting on.  What at first we take for weakness actually ends up proven prescience when the aliens escape, sending young Zod and his parents on the run into the thick jungle surrounding the lab.  Sometime later, a rescue party arrives on the scene led by Jor-El (aka Superman’s dad).  They discover Zod, the sole survivor.

Years later, Zod is General Zod, a ruthless warrior with a deep-seeded hatred for the char, the aliens that killed his parents.  The humorless Zod is ridiculed by many of his fellow Kryptonians, his warnings of an impending char attack falling on deaf ears until – he is proven correct.  The char launch a devastating attack, but they are defeated by Zod who saves the day.  Celebrated and empowered, Zod launches an attack on the char homeworld, massacring the species.  But it’s a victory far more bitter than sweet because Jor-El has made a shocking discovery.  It turns out the char that attacked Krypton, killing thousands of its citizens, were actually a hybrid created by Zod.

Zod is banished and, as the Phantom Zone claims him, we are treated to a final flashback of young Zod’s first encounter with the char.  As he and his father flee into the jungle, they stop to catch their breath. Escape seems futile and, in what could be their last moments, father apologizes to son.  ”It’s alright, father,”young Zod forgives his dad – before driving a branch into his eye.  As his father collapses, his screams attracting the pursuing char, Zod makes good his escape.  Not so much a twist but a gruesome little Machiavellian beat that adds an interesting touch to this driven villain.

#7. TWO FACE (Peter J. Tomasi – writer, Guillem March – artist)

I like my villains ambiguous and unpredictable and, in both cases, you’ll be hard-pressed to find better than Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, a man motivated not by benevolence or self-interest but the flip of a coin.  At the beginning of this tale, we discover Harvey on a rooftop, in mid coin flip.  As Gotham burns, he must decide what to do: help or hurt.  But before the decision can be made for him, the coin is snatched out of mid-air by a fellow rogue, the Scarecrow.  He has come bearing an invitation to join the new evil order, and it is offered in the form of a unique coin. Harvey accepts the invitation, but reminds Scarecrow what he and The Secret Society should already know: “It doesn’t matter which one I flip.  The coin’s answer is always final.”

And he promptly proves the point, resuming his earlier coin flip. Heads, he saves Gotham.  Tails, he lets it bleed.  It comes up heads – and so he embarks on a vigilante campaign, eliminating threats with extreme prejudice.  At the Gotham City Courthouse, he presides over various criminals, meting out the death penalty as punishment for various crimes.  The courthouse is crashed by a group representing the Secret Society who have taken exception to Two Face’s brand of justice.  They murder some of Harvey’s associates.  Harvey responds in kind, gunning them down and killing the deal he made with their employers.  ”Give my regards to the ferryman,”he says, slipping the Society’s invitation coin into their dead agent’s mouth before returning to the rooftop for another tough decision.  Heads he saves Gotham; tails he makes it bleed.

A quintessential Two Face tale and another example of a story that tells us all we need to know about a character through his actions rather than his origins.

#6: MR. FREEZE (Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti – writers, Jason Masters – artist)

Our story begins thirty years ago in Gotham city where, on a snowy winter’s night, a young Victor Fries watches from his bedroom window as his father walks out on his family.  Young Victor finds solace in his doting mother but, a year later, even that small comfort is denied him after a tragic accident claims her life.  The rest of the story unfolds as a character study of the adult Victor Fries, now a supervillain incarcerated at Arkham Asylum.  He is obsessed with the second life his father has built for himself and wants to reach out to his new family.  And the opportunity presents itself when Arkham Asylum is crashed by outside forces.  Finally free, Victor resassumes his Mr. Freeze identity but, rather than flee Gotham, he elects to stay. As he puts it: “I had grudges which needed to be dealt with.”

He enlists some cannibalistic thugs to his cause, but when they prove unruly (which is, I suppose, is something to be expected from cannibals), he “ices” them, along the way demonstrating small mercy for a nurse who once helped him.  He is a man on a mission but, apparently, not one without some compassion.  And, as he forges ahead, we are offered a glimpse of his past and the tragic events that led to his cryogenic condition.

When all is said and done, we bear witness to a family reunion of sorts as Mr. Freeze finally dines with his step-mother, step-brother, and step-sister in a final tableau: he raising a glass in toast while they, frozen solid at the dinner table, enjoy their final meal.  You may see it coming but even that doesn’t lessen the impact of that final, horrifying panel.

A solid tale with a remarkably chilling atmosphere compliments of Dave McCaig’s cool blue coloring.

#5. KILLER CROC (Tim Seeley – writer, Francis Portela – arist)

This one took me by surprise.  It starts off as a fairly straightforward cops versus bad guy story but, along the way, subverts our preconceived notions of good and evil, painting the titular villain in a sympathetic, albeit shadowy, light.

A group of Gotham’s finest are making their way through the city’s sewer system when they are ambushed by Killer Croc.  As the survivors attempt to stay one step ahead of their inhuman pursuer and his minions, we flashback to the events that shaped our reptilian antagonist.  As a kid, Waylon Jones was afflicted with a condition that gave him a lizard-skinned appearance.  Eventually, despite his best efforts, the condition spread to the point that he became a pariah, a freak forced to make ends meet by joining a circus.  But when his employer attempted to take advantage of him, Waylon bit the hand that fed him – literally – and embarked on a life of crime.

It’s another case of being presented with a tragic backstory that makes us, if not sympathetic to Waylon (aka Killer Croc), then at least cognizant of why he is the way he is.  Of course, mitigating any compassion we may feel for him is his cold-blooded hunt of the clearly outmatched police officers.  One by one, they fall until only one remains.  He opens a door to what he assumes is freedom but, instead of escape, discovers the body of a fellow officer.  But here’s the twist: this fellow officer did not die at the hands of Killer Croc…

We flashback again and the truth is revealed.  The cops Killer Croc has been pursuing are dirty.  They killed a fellow officer, a man who refused their offer to play ball, a man, it turns out, who once did a kindness to a young boy with a horrible skin condition…

A nice double twist and an unexpectedly touching story.

#4. CLAYFACE (written by John Layman, art by Cliff Richards)

A heavy dose of dark humor makes this one an exceptionally delightful read.

Clayface leads a group of criminals through the sewer system enroute to a bank heist.  But a disagreement with his cohorts brings back painful memories, a pain he is all too quick to share with them.  The heist scuttled, Clayface makes his way to the surface where chaos now reigns and grabs a drink at a local bar peopled by fellow villains.  He’s not quite sure what’s going on but luckily television, as always, has the answers.  The Secret Society has taken over and are actively recruiting talent, however a resistance has formed to fight this new order.  Unfortunately, before Clayface can learn more, a fellow customer puts a bottle through the t.v. screen, dismissing the so-called resistance as little more than “a minor annoyance”.  Clayface dimisses the fellow customer – with a fist to the face that lays him out cold – then heads off.

His plan is quite simple: infiltrate the resistance and destroy it, thereby currying favor with The Secret Society.  As it turns out, two out of three IS bad – especially when “the resistance” you infiltrate and destroy is actually a front created by The Secret Society to capture potential dissenters.  ”This organized resistance,” Clayface is informed, “was organized by us.”  You idiot.

It’s back to the bar for Clayface who, having survived the base’s self-destruct and come out smelling like flowers charcoal, knocks back some more drinks. But it’s not long before he is approached by another group of criminals with yet another plan. They need muscle for a gold heist.  Is he interested?  Is he!  We leave Clayface in the company of his new partners, looking forward to one more shot at getting back on top.

#3. COUNT VERTIGO (writer – Jeff Lemire, artist – Andrea Sorrentino)

Count Zytle arrives in Vancouver, Canada under the pretense of attending a charity fundraiser, but the true reasons for his visit are of a highly personal nature.  It has been nineteen years since his father died, protecting his birthright; nineteen years since rebels forced him and his mother to flee Vlatavia for the safety of North America’s west coast.  Forced into prostitution, his embittered mother placed much of the blame for their circumstances squarely on the young Werner.  Death would have been preferable to the life she now leads, but she didn’t have a choice.  ”I had to run…I had to protect the precious count.”

Things get even worse for young Werner when his mother gives him up to a “special school” for young boys.  There, he is experimented upon, then ostracized by his fellow pupils until the day his power finally manifests itself.  Ten years later, he decides he has had enough and leaves the school that transformed him into a weapon.  When a representative of the institute attempts to stop him, he is dealt with in gruesome fashion.

It’s been many years since, but Count Zytle – aka Count Vertigo – has come back to the school where he was raised.  It stands empty now, long-since abandoned, it’s sole occupant the only living link to his painful past: his mother.  He has imprisoned her as punishment for abandoning him but, after years of drug abuse, she can barely recognize him, much less her dire situation.  In speaking to her son, however, she grows more lucid, apologizing for giving him up.  But he is not interested in dwelling on the past.  ”I think you’ve suffered enough, momma,”he says.  ”I did come here to set you free.”  She assumes this means she is finally going back to Vlatava, but he divests her of the assumption: “Oh, no, momma.  You’re not going home.  You are a junkie and a whore.  You do no deserve to see the homeland ever again.”  It’s release of a different kind he has in mind.  For both of them.  And, after finally putting his past to rest, Count Zytle leaves.  His helicopter flies out into the night while, behind him, the school burns.

An incredibly dark, tightly written tale.  The artwork, by Andrea Sorrentino, is perfect, lending the whole an unrelenting grimness.

#2. JOKER (Andy Kubert – writer, Andy Clarke – art)

Joker is undoubtedly Batman’s greatest enemy and yet I know so little about the clown prince of darkness beyond his psychotic persona.  Yes, he’s crazy, but why? Okay, besides that dip in a chemical bath.

We open on a frightened child, clinging to his monkey doll, cowering in fear, when he is forcibly dragged out of hiding and physically abused by a mother figure.  Her face is never glimpsed, but her hands are heavily featured – chalky, withered, claw-like. One grips a brush, the other a bottle of bleach.  It’s time for a cleaning.  The child’s cries carry off him and over to his abandoned monkey doll lying in a corner of the room…

Flashforward to that child all grown up.  The Joker and his colorful cohorts are enjoying an atypical day at the zoo, feeding some poor fellow to a python, but Joker seems distracted, almost mournful.  Memories of his Aunt Eunice have put him in a bit of a funk and he wanders off…and over to the gorilla enclosure where he lays eyes on a baby gorilla.  And, suddenly, the story shifts into a brilliantly demented version of Bedtime for Bonzo as Joker assumes the role of caregiver to the young primate.  The love and affection he demonstrates toward little Jackanapes is contrasted with the abuse the Joker received as a child.  And yet, despite the fact that he is a psychotic mass murderer,  there’s no denying his love for that young gorilla.

Eventually, Jackanapes grows up and becomes party to Joker’s deranged crimes.  It’s a father-son bonding montage except, in lieu of playing catch, these two build bombs, fire bazookas, dump toxic waste, and burn down department stores.  And when a newly elected council woman decides to shut down the zoo, another perfect outing presents itself.  Jackanapes in tow, Joker attacks a dirigible transporting the council woman over Gotham.  Gunfire is exchanged and the bat signal lit, much to the Joker’s delight.  ”For the past few years I’ve danced with the caped crusader,”he tells Jackanape.  ”And every time we tussle, it gives me even more respect and admiration for him.  Perhaps too much.  I don’t think I could exist without him!”  An admission that elicits a tear from his young gorilla protege.

But things take a tragic turn when they are forced to abandon the dirigible.  The Joker lands on an elevated track but Jackanape ends up in the Gotham river, having failed to pop the wings of his jet pack.  ”Why, Jack?”wonders the Joker. “Why didn’t you pop your wings?”.  Did he panic?  Forget?  Or was it a conscious decision made? For a split second, we see the Joker react in shockingly uncharacteristic fashion.  A single panel conveys a wash of emotions: anguish, loss, sadness.  And then, in instant, they’re gone and our manic villain is back to his old self, throwing his head back and laughing.  The joke, after all, is on him.  He’s going to need a refund for all those swimming lessons.

A tragi-comic masterpiece.

#1. LEX LUTHOR (Charles Soule – writer, Raymund Bermudez – pencils)

This one deftly juggles multiple story elements while offering up a number of great character moments that inform us on Lex Luthor.  Right off the top, there’s an exchange between Luthor and a prison guard as Lex prepares to leave the Hypermax Detention Facility, finally a free man.  ”You want this, George.  Don’t you?”says Lex, referring to his former prison uniform.  Lex points out that it’s prison property, that George could sell it for a lot of money, money that could go toward his children’s education.  George, ever-so-deferential, does not want to presume anything.  But Lex persists.  He’ll never wear it again.  ”All you need to do…”he tells George, holding the prison uniform out toward him, “…is walk over here and take it.”  What follows are two powerful, wordless panels:  the first of George staring longingly at Lex, mere feet away, holding out the prison uniform; the second of George looking on as Lex walks away, his prison uniform slung over his shoulder.  It’s an incredibly effective and powerful moment that leaves no doubt.  Lex Luthor is an asshole.  And an intimidating one at that.

Lex boards his private helicopter and is greeted by his eager new assistant, Casey, who informs him that Superman has, apparently, disappeared.  Lex accepts the news with equal parts significance and skepticism.  Is his hated enemy truly gone? To find out, he puts a devious plan in motion, launching a manned space shuttle and then orchestrating a malfunction that strands the shuttle in a degrading orbit. Will Superman save the day?

The answer, it turns out, is no.  It’s a simple enough point to prove without actually sacrificing the shuttle and its crew, but as Lex tells a horrified Casey: “I didn’t need to save them to get what I wanted.”  The world will see the crash as Superman’s failure.  Of course, he, Lex, could have saved the shuttle – but there was always the chance, however remote, that he might have failed… “…and the world would blame me for failing to succeed.  I learned that lesson years ago.  But no one will blame me for failing to try.”  Casey attempts to call 911, but Lex expected as much and had the foresight to kill communications.  And Casey as well whose green high heeled shoes Lex casually kicks off the rooftop, presumably following their owner’s descent.

It’s back to business for Luthor who has already moved on to his next big scheme. He boards his private helicopter where his eager new assistant, Miranda, awaits. She can barely contain herself at the prospect of working for him.  ”I can’t tell you how excited I am,”she confides.

“Well, of course you are,”says Lex.  ”I’m Lex Luthor for God’s sake.”  Hell, yeah!

How many did you check out and which were your favorites?

Tagged: Andrea Sorrentino, Andy Kubert, Charles Soule, Clayface, Count Vertigo, Dave McCaig, DC, Detective Comics, Geoff Johns, Greg Pak, James Tynion IV, Jeff Lemire, Jimmy Palmiotti, John Layman, Joker, Justin Gray, Killer Croc, Lex Luthor, Mr. Freeze, Ocean Master, Peter J. Tomasi, Ra's Al Ghul, Supervillain, Tim Seeley, Tony Bedard, Two Face, Villains United, Zod

October 1, 2013: News of note!

News of note:

How are you doing in our Fantasy T.V. Pilot Pool?  BROADCAST PREMIERE WEEK: How Did The Networks Do, What Did We Learn?

Maybe it’s time for another pool?  ‘The Simpsons’ to Kill Off Character – The Hollywood Reporter

Wow.  I thought the problem with global warming was bad, but not THIS bad: Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

Hey, what’s the legal drinking age in the U.K.?  12?  UK A&Es seeing ‘drunk children’

“If you are speeding and suddenly up ahead see a cop that clearly just tagged you, slow down and wave to him/her. Your odds of being pulled over are quite a bit reduced.”  Really?  32 Real Life Cheat Codes That Will Change Your Life

The Most Brutal Endings of Science Fiction and Fantasy TV Shows  SGU made the list!

On the other hand: “Breaking Bad” Ends: 10 Great Series Finales  SGU didn’t make the list!

26 scenes from sci-fi series that caused viewers to give up on the show  Or this list!

Dickens’  coincidences, Melville’s meandering, and Shakespeare’s creaky plotting: 5 Famous Writers With Flaws Everyone Tries to Ignore 

Apparently, we eat a lot of sugar:  An Unforgiving Breakdown of How Much Sugar America Consumes [Infographic] 

No actual butts were harmed in the creation of this butt pudding:

September 30, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Iron Man 3!

Dis would have been a great movie if it had been half an hour shorter. And made a lick of sense.  Monster can imagine script notes session went someting like dis:

Producer: Dis skript full of plot holes and not make much sense.

Writer: Dats okay.  Me fix it.

Producer: By applying logic so it easier to understand?

Writer: No.  By making it so complicated dat audience simply assume dey too stoopid to understand.

Well, me have news for makers of Iron Man 3.  Monster not stoopid. Me have GED from Pyongyang Institute of Higher Learning and Dance!

Alternate nicknames included Satsuma, Valencia, and Clementine.

Movie begin wit Tony Stark seeing a therapist because he suffering panic attacks after Avengers movie.  How dese panic attacks figure into plot and pay off at end of movie.  Spoiler alert: Dey don’t!

Meanwhile, U.S. government rocked by string of bombings orchestrated by villain called de Mandarin!  Why he called de Manadarin?  Well, in original comic books, he called de Mandarin because he be of Chinese descent and adopt title of Chinese bureaucrats of Imperial China.  In de movie – well, he not Chinese but Middle-Eastern so he called de Mandarin because…mebbe he named after de orange?  It was either dat or Tangerine?

When Tony’s bodyguard get injured in an explosion dat, in retrospekt, not make any sense at all (we’ll get to dat), Tony vow revenge and dare Mandarin to come after him.  So bad guy respond by blowing up Tony’s cool mountain-side home.

Oh, Timmy! You little scamp!

At dis point, fairly more-or-less straightforward movie take a hairpin turn when Tony end up in Tennessee to investigate similar bombing there.  He befriend lovable little rascal of a kid who all sorts of quippy and cute and no doubt shoe-horned into story to appeal to young audience.  Dudes, it’s a movie based on a comic book character!

While Tony enlist brilliant kid’s help to recharge his armor, he investigate apparent suicide bombing by local soldier and pay visit to his mom at local bar. COINCIDENTALLY, she happen to be waiting for someone to give dem a top sekret file on her son.  A top sekret file dat, for some reason, also contain information on other soldier blown up in similar explosion.

Why mother have dis information on other soldier?  Why bad guys need to get deir hands on dis file?  Why dey just not go over to her place and take it instead of arranging meeting in a public place?  How Tony be so lucky as to just happen to walk into bar and approach soldier’s mother on exact night she be planning to meet bad guys and hand over file?  How possible – LOOK!  EXPLOSIONS!  COOL!

Tony fight bad guys who turn out to be super soldiers wit super-strength, agility, and healing powers.  And, for no apparent reason later on, super fire breath.  He defeat dem, but barely.

In one of movie’s many ridikulous moments, Tony learns all about super soldiers by hacking into super seckret database containing convenient video recordings of experiments on soldiers wit someting called Extremis.  Sometime it work, making dem superhuman.  Other times it not work, making dem blow up. BUT….

We see one soldier blow up because his body unable to accept Extremis.  Dis be explanation for explosion.  But den how to explain explosion of soldier in Tennessee? If his body rejekted Extremis, he would have blown up in lab, not in public?  And what about soldier who exploded, injuring Tony’s bodyguard?  Why he blow up?  If it delayed reaction to Extremis, what all dat nonsense about him getting a briefcase from bad guy?

Tony track bad guy to Miami and get drop on Mandarin who…turn out to be aktor hired to play part of a wanted terrorist.  Very funny – except for fakt dat, even though he be seemingly goofy and unwitting accomplice who assumed deaths were fake, he couldn’t be stoopid enough NOT to be aware of news reports on terrorist acts in his name. Also, he SHOT a guy on video!

Dis little twist bring up another point.  In comic book, Mandarin be one of Iron Man’s greatest villains – but he played for a joke here.  So dis pretty much rule out any appearance of real villainous Mandarin in future Iron Man movies…unless he be some supervillain who just decide to name himself after a laughingstock rube.

Tony captured.  But get his armor back.  But Pepper kidnapped.  And President!  And Air Force One blow up but Iron Man manage to save flight crew in one of movie’s more inspired sekwences.

Boy!  Dem some spicy nuts!

It all culminate in big extended impressive but over-long climactic battle pitting Tony and his buddy, Rhodey, against bad guy and super soldiers.  Pepper, who now a super soldier because she be injected wit Extremis, help save de day.  And Tony celebrate by blowing up all his extra Iron Man suits, assuming he won’t need dem because bad guys all dead even though he thought he had killed dem before and dey turned up very much alive later.  Also, FYI,  some of dem not really injured and just fell into ocean so chances are – LOOK!  EXPLOSIONS! SO COOL!

Wait a minute.  Pepper now a super soldier?  No, because Tony be a genius.  He fix her.  Uh, if Tony be such a genius, why he not fix himself?  Okay, because Tony be a genius, he also fix himself and remove shrapnel from his heart.  Happy now?  Uh, if Tony such a genius, why he not remove shrapnel from heart two movies sooner?

Wait another minute! What was bad guy’s plan?  To get Vice President in office?  But if dat de case, why not just assassinate President instead of going through big show of kidnapping him, stringing him up, etc? What was point of de Mandarin?  More me tink about it, more me hate dis movie.

VERDIKT: Great movie for people who love explosions – and not much else.

RATING: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Iron Man 3, Iron Man 3, superhero movies, SuperMovie of the Week Club

September 29, 2013: Food Glorious Food!

Another football Sunday, another day of feasting.  Plenty of delicious dishes – none of them prepared by yours truly…

Ivon’s bacon-topped turkey meatloaf

Rob’s sweet potato waffles

Akemi’s chickpea salad

Akemi sour cream apple pie

And I would be remiss in not mentioning some of the tasty plates Akemi has made over the past couple of weeks:

Salt-baked sea breem.

Packed in salt then baked at 450 degrees for 20 minutes.  Crack the salt, peel off the skin and enjoy.

Yum!

Polenta cakes topped with oven-roasted cherry tomatoes, olive oil, and basil

Sous-vide tuna, potato, and tomato confit with tarragon

Crispy gnocchi

…with brown butter and oregano

Oven-roasted cipollini onions in olive oil and balsamic vinegar

Risotto balls with tomato sauce

Garlic-roasted bar clams

Phyllo pastry pizza

Spinach and cheese phyllo pockets

Autumn spice cupcakes

And, for the dogs, Peanut Butter Cookies!

September 28, 2013: On Backs and Book Clubs!

She instructed me to: “Walk across the room on the heels of your feet.”

I obliged, tottering along in Chaplainesque pantomime.

“Now back the other way on the tips of your toes.”

And, suddenly, I was a ballerina, capering back the way I came.

“Bend over sideways as far as you can go.  Good.  Now the other way.  Good.  Now lean forward and show me how far you can go.  Wow.  You’re flexible!”

It was kind of her to say, but: “Not really.”

“Now lean back.”

I leaned back and felt a familiar twinge in my lower back, winced.

“Un huh,”she noted and then consulted a note pad that, I suspect, contained some information wholly unrelated to my visit: a shopping list, her personal poetry, a recipe for pound cake.  ”It looks like a muscle strain.  Would you like something for the pain?”

“No, thanks.”  The truth is, it’s less a pain and more of an ache that presents itself only occasionally, just enough to remind me it’s still around – and worry me enough to visit a walk-in clinic.  ”So it’s nothing serious?”

I was looking forward to a reassurance, a dismissive hand wave, maybe even a derisive snort.  Instead, she fixed me with a suddenly serious look: “Come back in two weeks if you’re not better.”

Okay then, I’ve got two weeks to take it easy, take a break from the weights and workouts, and focus on some less strenuous pursuits like movies, whisky, and books.

With regard to the latter, I’ve decided to join a bunch of online book clubs in order to motivate me to read more.  The truth is, I read A LOT, but I always feel I can do better.  And so, here are the book clubs I’ve joined and the books I need to read in October:

For the Scifi and Fantasy book club (SciFi and Fantasy Book Club):

For the You’ll Love This One! book club (You’ll love this one…!! A book club & more):

For the Around the World in 80 Books book club (Around the World in 80 Books):

For the Genre Specific Review Group book club (Genre Specific Review Groups):

The Evolution of Science Fiction book club (The Evolution of Science Fiction):

The 2013 Reading Challenges book club (2013 Reading Challenge):

Who’s in?!

September 27, 2013: Upcoming Under-the-Radar October Movies To Look Forward To! Or Not!

A TOUCH OF SIN

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: The film shows the impact of China’s economic boon through the stories of four different people.

What it’s got working for it: Powerful subject matter.

What’s it’s got going against it: May be a little too bleak for most moviegoers.

NARCO CULTURA

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: The drug cartels’ influence on Mexican pop culture.

What it’s got working for it: A frightening, almost surreal world where music and mayhem meet.

What’s it’s got going against it: Frightening and potentially uncomfortable viewing.

PARKLAND

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: The Kennedy assassination through the eyes of some of the witnesses, doctors, nurses, and FBI agents who were there.

What it’s got working for it: A solid cast.

What’s it’s got going against it: There have been many films made on this tragic moment in history.  Will this one add anything new?

RUNNING WILD: THE LIFE OF DAYTON O. HYDE

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: Dayton Hyde and his quest to save wild mustangs in the U.S.

What it’s got working for it: Filmed over the course of 11 years, the story of a very interesting man and his very important cause.

What’s it’s got going against it: Documentaries are not to everyone’s taste, and the subject matter will narrow that scope.

THE SUMMIT

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: In August of 2008, 18 people set out to climb K2.  Only 9 survived.

What it’s got working for it: Based on a true story.  The movie questions the reasoning and risks of conquering mountains.

What’s it’s got going against it: Although a documentary, the film apparently makes liberal use of re-enactments, blurring the line between fact and fiction.

ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW

Release Date: October 11, 2013

What it’s about: When a father loses his job, he packs up the family for a trip to “a Disneyland-like theme park” where he begins to lose his grip on reality.

What it’s got working for it: A unique visual style.

What’s it’s got going against it: It just looks f**king weird.

ZERO CHARISMA

Release Date: October 11, 2013

What it’s about: The Game Master of a fantasy role-playing game has his comfortably nerdy existence turned upside-down by a confident new player.

What it’s got working for it:  The world of RPG’s and all its nerdish trappings.

What’s it’s got going against it: The trailer doesn’t really “bring the funny”.

12 YEARS A SLAVE

Release Date: October 18, 2013

What it’s about: The true story of a free black man in pre-Civil War New York who is kidnapped and sold into slavery.

What it’s got working for it: Critical acclaim and a 96% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

What’s it’s got going against it: Suggestions that director McQueen’s gorgeous visuals come at the expense of grounded, emotional opporunities.

ALL IS LOST

Release Date: October 18, 2013

What it’s about: When his sailboat is destroyed at sea, a sailor fights for survival.

What it’s got working for it: A purely visual story with no dialogue.

What’s it’s got going against it: A purely visual story with no dialogue.

HELLBENDERS

Release Date: October 18, 2013

What it’s about: A group of colorful demonologists battle supernatural forces in Brooklyn.

What it’s got working for it: The red band trailer holds promise.

What’s it’s got going against it: The regular trailer does not.

BLUE IS THE WARMEST  COLOUR

Release Date: October 25, 2013

What it’s about: A love story about a fifteen year old girl and a much older woman.

What it’s got working for it: Winner of the Palme d’Or at the 2013 Cannes Festival.

What’s it’s got going against it: Graphic sex scenes and a running time of almost three hours will turn off some people

Tagged: 12 Years A Slave, A Touch of Sin, All is Lost, Blue is the Warmest Colour, Escape from Tomorrow, Hellbenders, Narco Cultura, Parkland, Running Wild: The Life of Dayton O. Hyde, The Summit, Zero Charisma

September 26, 2013: Upcoming October Movie Releases To Look Forward To! Or Not!

GRAVITY

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: Two astronauts find themselves tethered together, floating helpless in space when disaster strikes a shuttle flight.

What it’s got working for it: A rare intelligent and intriguing looking scifi offering from Hollywood.

What’s it’s got going against it: 90 minutes of two people floating in space could get very old very fast.

RUNNER RUNNER

Release Date: October 4, 2013

What it’s about: A young grad student travels to Costa Rica where he falls under the sway of a dangerous gambling tycoon.

What it’s got working for it: The Costa Rican scenery looks nice.

What’s it’s got going against it: Ben Affleck as a scary gangster?  If you say so, Hollywood.  Ben Affleck as Batman?  Okay, I have to draw the line.

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

Release Date: October 11, 2013

What it’s about: An American cargo ship is hijacked by somali pirates.

What it’s got working for it: Based on a true story.

What’s it’s got going against it: Based on a true story – so I already know how it ends.

MACHETE KILLS

Release Date: October 11, 2013

What it’s about: An ex-Federale agent is hired to take down a dangerous arms dealer.

What it’s got working for it: Doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously.

What’s it’s got going against it: What more is left to be said after the original Machete?

ESCAPE PLAN

Release Date: October 18, 2013

What it’s about: A security expert is tasked with his most challenging job = breaking out of an ultra high-tech facility.

What it’s got working for it: A fun premise.

What’s it’s got going against it: The brilliant security expert – convincingly played by Sylvester Stallone.

THE FIFTH ESTATE

Release Date: October 18, 2013

What it’s about: Julian Assange and Daniel Domscheit-Berg team up to leak covert government secrets.

What it’s got working for it: A powerful moral and ethical question at its heart.

What’s it’s got going against it: Honest exploration or propaganda piece?  It remains to be seen.

THE COUNSELOR

Release Date: October 25, 2013

What it’s about: Things go bad for a lawyer when he gets involved in the world of drug trafficking.

What it’s got working for it: Director Ridley Scott and Cormac McCarthy (Alien/Blade Runner and the first 90 minutes of No Country for Old Men).

What’s it’s got going against it: Scott and McCarthy (G.I. Jane and the last 30 minutes of No Country for Old Men).

BAD GRANDPA

Release Date: October 25, 2013

What it’s about: In the spirit of Borat, the unwitting public is pranked by an annoying old man and his equally annoying son.

What it’s got working for it: Some funny bits in the trailer.

What’s it’s got going against it: There’s a fine line between funny and mean-spirited when it comes to pranks.  If Borat wasn’t able to walk it, it’s doubtful Johnny Knoxville will.

Tagged: Bad Grandpa, Captain Phillips, Escape Plan, Gravity, Machete Kills, Runner Runner, The Counselor, The Fifth Estate

September 25, 2013: The new toothbrush and broadcast season!

“Are you ashamed of your new toothbrush?”Akemi asked me last night while I was brushing my teeth before bedtime.

Ashamed of my new toothbrush?  Why would I be ashamed of my new toothbrush?  It’s of the cool, battery-operated variety recommended by most dentists.  ”Why would I be ashamed of my new toothbrush?”I honestly wanted to know.

“Because,”she said, “it’s a Spiderman toothbrush.”

“It’s NOT a Spiderman toothbrush,”I corrected her, “and I’m not ashamed of it.  In fact, I’m going to post a picture of it as part of tomorrow’s blog entry.”

So, feast your eyes, people:

Sadly, they were out of Deadpool but Iron Man is pretty awesome nevertheless, no?  And its tiny brush head ensures I’m able to reach all the hard-to-reach places as well.

Before going to sleep, I caught the premiere of The Blacklist, one of the new shows in contention as part of our Fantasy T.V. Pilot League!  Did anyone else catch it?  What did you all think?  My feelings were mixed…

The Good: James Spader.  He is so damn brilliant.

The Bad: The scene in which the little girl gives the agent her kid bracelet?  And then she gets kidnapped so we’re treated to a later requisite lingering shot of the agent quietly considering the bracelet. Ouch.  I suppose it could have been worse.  She could have had a partner who gets killed two days from retirement.

The Ugly: Not so much ugly as perplexing – but it’s the pilot so I assume most of these questions will be answered in time and the writers aren’t making it up as they go along.  Eventually, we’ll find out how our highly intelligent heroine could have been suckered in by her shady husband, why Red ordered the attack on the husband, how the terrorists could have possibly been prepared for an assault of the scale they launched to kidnap the kid unless they were tipped off that a veritable convoy of agents would be escorting, how Red knew about the terrorist’s hand stamp, why our heroine would still be on duty after almost killing a high value asset like Red, and how law enforcement could be so inept as to allow a guy scampering away with a bio-toxin vest slip through their fingers.  Hopefully, we will not find out that Red is our heroine’s long lost father.

Get your picks in before the weekend for a chance to win…something. Also, I see quite a few of you have picked Trophy Wife.  Yessiree, nothing says fresh like the old “casually lean up against something and fall down” gag.

September 24, 2013: Take part in Lawren’s Fantasy Pilot Television League!

Well, that was fast.  Last year, I lost interest in football about thirteen weeks into the season.  This year, only three weeks into fantasy football league play, with my Snow Monkeys off to a disastrous 0-3 start, my enthusiasm has waned.  My starters consistently under perform while my bench routinely over performs.  Starters who put up huge numbers the previous week disappear or get injured when they’re in my line-up, while disappointments I sit break out.  Clearly, the Fates conspire against me.  Right about now, my passion for fantasy football falls somewhere between “couldn’t care less” and “don’t give a shit”.

It’s fortuitous then that my buddy, Lawren, has organized an alternate, non-football, fantasy league: a Fantasy Television Pilot League.  This was the email Lawren sent my way:

I’ve laid out the list of the network fall pilots of which some have already had their premieres. Feel free to just write Yes or No beside the show whether you think it’ll get a 2nd season or not. Remember this is not based on the quality of the show (clearly) but the insane and sad reality of the world we live and work in. If a show get’s picked up or cancelled (pulling the episodes from their original dates will count as cancellation) your choice will be multiplied two fold. So +1 for a correct choice. -1 for a wrong choice. -2 if you bet against a show that get’s an early pickup. +2 if your correctly choose a show will get cancelled and has it’s airing cut short.
 
OUR CONTESTANTS ARE
*


ABC
Super Fun Night (comedy) ANSWER:


The Goldbergs (comedy) ANSWER: 
Back in the Game (comedy) ANSWER: 
Trophy Wife (comedy) ANSWER: 
Lucky 7 (drama) ANSWER: 
Betrayal (drama) ANSWER: 
Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (drama) ANSWER: 
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (drama) ANSWER: 
 
CBS
Intelligence (drama) ANSWER: 
Hostages (drama) ANSWER: 
The Crazy Ones (comedy) ANSWER: 
The Millers (comedy) ANSWER: 
Mom (comedy) ANSWER: 
We Are Men (comedy) ANSWER: 
 
NBC
The Michael J. Fox Show (comedy) ANSWER: 
Sean Saves the World (comedy) ANSWER: 
Ironside (drama) ANSWER: 
The Blacklist (drama) ANSWER: 
Welcome to the Family (comedy) ANSWER: 
Dracula (drama) ANSWER: 
 
FOX
Dads (comedy) ANSWER: 
Almost Human (drama) ANSWER: 
Sleepy Hollow (drama) ANSWER: 
Enlisted (comedy) ANSWER: 
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (comedy) ANSWER: 
Junior MasterChef (unscripted) ANSWER: 
 
CW
The Originals (drama) ANSWER: 
The Tomorrow People (drama) ANSWER: 
Reign (drama) ANSWER: 
*
So, what do you all think?  Get your picks in!
*
My money’s on: Once Upon A Time in Wonderland, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Millers, The Michael J. Fox Show, Sean Saves the World, The Blacklist, Sleepy Hollow, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Originals.
*
Thanks to Lawren for all the heavy lifting!

September 23, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Black Scorpion!

Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on a banana peel and falling down a flight of stairs or making a really shitty movie.  Fortunately, dere be convenient way to cover such faux-pas.  Just adopt ye old “Me meant to do dat!” excuse. Ie -

Rosita burn down Mr. Hooper’s store during Cinque de Mayo celebrations = “Me meant to do dat!”

Bert and Ernie misplace Elmo during White Party in Miami = “Me meant to do dat!”

Grover pass out at strip club and wake up wit shaved ass = “Me meant to do dat!”

So Monster have sneaking suspicion dat, at some point during produktion of dis movie, producers realize Black Scorpion going to be a massive turd.  Instead of pulling plug, dey make tweaks to movie to make it seem intentionally cheesy.  Unfortunately, it such a slap-dash patchy job dat movie end up feeling like a schizophrenic Frankenstein monster who REALLY like to show her boobies.  A lot.

Movie begin wit cop father telling young daughter, Darcy, terrible age-inappropriate bedtime story about lying killer scorpion.  Monster suppose it could have been worse.  He could have told her de one about hooker and pirate wit peg leg.

After telling story, father go out and gun down some bad guys.  And an innocent ER doctor.

Years later, Darcy grow up to be a cop.  She be pretty good – until her father gunned down and she get kicked of police force for threatening killer wit gun.  It lead to dis fantastik exchange:

Police Chief: You’re suspended.

Darcy: It’s because I’m a woman.

Police Chief: It’s because you pulled a gun on a suspect.

Darcy: But he killed my father!

Oh.  Okay.

So what a girl to do?

Well, if you’re DIS girl, you dress up in totally inappropriate unwieldly outfit, don mask, call yourself Black Scorpion and go out and fight crime.  She beat up bad guys.  She use her energy boots to jump really high.  Wait.  Energy boots?  How she get energy boots?

Dey call him Argyle because…er…search monster.

Eventually, our heroine confide her true identity to someone.  Her supportive detective partner she in love wit?  Of course not.  How about some goofy criminal.  Better!  But why she confide in him? Because she need him to turn her car into a poor woman’s batmobile.

Percival J. Smogley III

Meanwhile, not-so-super villain who look like reject from de old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t.v. series enact plan to bas entire city.  He warn everybody and tell dem to pick up gas masks at Bureau of Research and Engineering and Atmospheric Technology for Health. Yep, for some reason, BREATH corner de market on gas masks.  And no one de least bit suspicious.  Villain survey de street-level panic on his wall of twenty-four t.v. screens.  But because he too cheap pay for cable, all twenty-four monitors show de same channel.

Big anti-climactic climax take place at….BREATH headquarters! Surprised?  Me not want to spoil big reveal dat ER doctor shot by Black Scorpion’s father secret identity of villain so please do not read dis sentence.

Movie end wit partner telling fellow cops dat Darcy save de day!  And dey all laugh because, of course, Darcy a girl.

VERDIKT: Gratuitous nudity greatly appreciated, but not enough.

RATING: 3  chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: Black Scorpion, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Black Scorpion, superhero movies, SuperMovie of the Week Club