Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 422

June 14, 2014: Father’s Day!

When I think of my father, I remember a man who was kind and generous, but stubborn and suspicious by nature.  Someone funny and fun-loving, but a little quick-tempered.  A loving husband and father, but a man who, occasionally, took things a tad too personally.  In short, my father was a complicated and colorful man – and, really, what else would you expect from someone who grew up in the Montreal of the 30′s and 40′s, riding the streetcars and getting into all sorts of trouble with likes of Blackie, Skeeviks, and a bunch of other guys with nicknames right of the The Little Rascals.

My father would reflect back fondly on those days, and many of the stories he’d tell us would echo that colorful and complicated personality.  Like the time he and his sister Antoinette received a bunch of his favorite chocolates: Cherry Blossoms (you know, those chocolates with the liquid maraschino centers).  Of course, being his favorites, he finished his off in no time.  My aunt, on the other hand, saved hers, lining them up all nice and neat on the kitchen counter.  Eventually, when she finally got around to eating them, she was in for a surprise.  They were empty.  Not the boxes, but the chocolates themselves.  Someone had gone through the trouble of carefully cutting open the bottom of each individual chocolate, eating the liquid enter, and then putting them back.  The story had a happy ending for my auntie Antoinette though.  My father eventually bought her a bunch of Cherry blossoms to replace the ones he had eaten.  Mischievous but thoughtful.  That was my dad.

Later, when the second world war began, he felt honor-bound to enlist in the navy –  but not responsible enough to tell them the truth about his age: he was 16 at the time.

He was, by all accounts, a bit of a ladies’ man  (my grandmother would chase the girls off their property with a wooden spoon) and yet, when the right woman came along, he was perfectly happy to commit to married life and, later, fatherhood.

Every day, when my sister and I were growing up, he would come home from work at approximately 5:15 p.m. every day and prepare dinners like roasted stuffed chicken, Duck a L’Orange, and Lobster Termidor – but was at his happiest chowing down on simpler fare: pork hocks, Chinese buffet, and, of course, KFC hot wings. And he loved his Cheese Puffs.  I remember dropping by the house unexpectedly one day, walking by the kitchen, and catching him red-handed – actually, orange-handed AND orange-mouted – dipping into his hidden stash.

Yes, my father loved food – even later in life when he was loving it maybe just a little too much.  His doctor advised him to follow a strict diet.  No more bread.  No more pasta or fried foods.  It would be steamed vegetables and lean cuts of meat from hereon in.  That lasted about two days.  My mother tried – steaming those vegetables and cooking those lean meats – but my father would have none of it. He’d complain.  He’d skip dinner.  And, eventually, my mother gave in and cooked him the things he would actually eat.  Of course, when they’d go back to see the doctor, there was no hiding the fact that he hadn’t been following his diet.  The doctor was understandably annoyed and called him on what he’d been eating: the breads, the pasta, the fried foods.  To which my father replied: “That’s just the way my wife cooks.”

He slowed down considerably in the last few years of his life and he wasn’t able to get around like he used to, but being homebound wasn’t a problem because, as much as my father loved people, he loved relaxing at home even more.  I’d call every night from Vancouver and, he’d be in the living room singing along to country tunes I’d never heard of, or “Watching Kramer” as he’d call Seinfeld, or in the kitchen watching my mother fix dinner, or spending time with his best buddy, Max, his cat.  Still, he remained kind, generous, fun and loving – but stubborn, suspicious, touchy, and quick-tempered.  Age certainly didn’t temper that wildly varied personality.

So, in celebrating my father’s memory this Father’s Day, I remember him -

Not just as someone modern enough to enjoy good sushi, but a man who used antiquated expressions like “pop, “Play the Iggy” and “Wouldn’t that jar your preserves.”

Not just as a terrific dancer, an  accomplished cook, and a great guitar player, but a a man who, one summer while my mother was in Italy, had to do the laundry for the first time and ended up working up a sweat ironing towels.

Not just as a man who was generous enough to sponsor his wife’s sisters so that they could come to Canada, but as someone who, as a kid, ate a spoonful of chicken fat he’d mistaken for pudding and then tried to convince his sister Jeanettte that it wasn’t pudding, it was delicious, and she should try some too.

I remember him as a complicated and colorful man.

June 13, 2014: Joe and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

Ceeripes, I feel like crap!  I woke up this morning feeling significantly under the weather: stomach ache, nausea, headache, fatigue, muscles aches, and appetite free.  I suspect food poisoning from last night’s chicken dinner.  I blame Top Chef Geoffrey Zakarian and his roast-chicken-at-375-degree-for-one-hour-and-serve-at-room-temperature recipe.  Akemi claims there’s only one way to know for sure: “Eat leftover chicken and see what happens.”

I spent much of the early afternoon lying in bed with the dogs.  More than once, Jelly’s dorito-scented paws had me scrambling for the bathroom.

Yo! Wassup, corn-chip feet?

Compounding my irritability today was a World Cup announcer’s use of the term “greasy” in lieu of “slippery”.  A ball cannot be greasy unless it is covered in grease.  Same goes for treacherous road conditions.  The word you’re looking for is “slippery”.

In honor of the World Cup, I present the following video – soccer at its finest:

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to birthday gal Bethany!  Hope you’re having a much better day than I am!

June 12, 2014: Bees and Burgers!

Resident beeologist Akem Aota

Last night, we got together with our foodie friends, Nicole and Lan, for an evening of Bees and Burgers.  Campagnolo supplied the burgers while Nicole and Lan supplied the bees…

Apparently, they picked them up in Portland (or had them shipped from Portland. I’m not sure how it works).  They keep them in the above-pictured box in their backyard (as opposed to their bedroom which would have showed TRUE devotion).

The bees gain access through a small hole.  I stepped up to snap a close-up but was warned the bees were irritable and didn’t like people getting too close.  Like Kanye.  So I had to snap this one from a couple of feet away.  Akemi, on the other hand, was taking no chances.  Despite being outfitted in full beekeeping regalia, she steered well clear of any possible encounter.

A window in at the back of the box allows you to peep on the bees while they’re changing.  And making honey.

I, for one, was looking forward to sampling the sweet stuff – but was informed I would have to wait until next year.  Next year?!  I thought bees were supposed  to be industrious!

Anyway, in addition to checking out the bees, we also got to visit Nicole and Lan’s house which is a mere five minute walk from our house!  Coincidentally (?), they will be moving at the end of the month, deterring any future we-were-strolling-by-and-thought-we’d=drop-in visits.

Having worked up an appetite checking out the bees, we headed over to Campagnolo on Main Street for their famed burger.  They are served upstairs in the casual bar area (sssshhhhh.  It’s a secret!).

The best burgers in town!

Chicken-fried beef ribs

Spot prawn

Chocolate-peanut butter parfait

Peter, the bartender, was our affable host and was kind enough to introduce me to a 12 year old Pappy Van Winkle – the smoothest bourbon I’ve ever had.  I’d love to get my hands on a bottle but they always sell out the second they’re shelved. Anybody have friends/family in Kentucky who happen to be close personal friends of the Van Winkles?

My attempt to approximate Akemi’s official beekeeper stance.

Yes?  No?  Buzz off?

Tagged: bees, Burgers, Campagnolo, Vancouver's best burger

June 11, 2014: Things I hated when I was a kid!

10. Popcorn

Chewy and flavorless.  Yes, there’s salt and butter, but why not just have the toppings and save yourself the hassle of those annoying bits that get stuck in teeth?

9. Shepherd’s Pie

Ground beef?  Love it.  Mashed potatoes?  I like.  Corn?  Sure.  All three together? Disgusting!

8. Candied Fruit

I still don’t understand why anyone would add these to anything.

7. Max the 2000 Year Old Mouse

Every day, my sister and I would rush home to eat lunch and watch The Flintstones.  And, everyday, we would have to sit through a five minute episode this poorly animated Canadian “edutainment” production.

6. Sol en Gobelet

I didn’t even watch this show about two creepy clowns.  Merely channel surfing by was enough to give me nightmares.

5. Swimming lessons

Every Sunday morning, my sister and I would have to get up and join fifty other kids in a cesspool of cacophonous commotion.  Try not to brain yourself against some other unwary swimmer blindly swimming the backstroke!

4. The AFC East – but the Jets and Patriots in particular.

Back in the day when there was no such thing as an NFL package, fans were at the mercy of their local broadcaster. And so, every Sunday, instead of watching my beloved Raiders (back when they were actually good!), I would have to sit through the abysmal play of the Jets and Patriots (back when they were actually bad!). Honorable mention goes to the equally terrible New York Giants whose games used to monopolize the 4:00 p.m. slot.

3. Road trips to Toronto

Every year, my parents used to pack us into my dad’s Ford LTD and we’d make the exhausting 6 hour trek to Toronto for my grandmother’s birthday.  My sister and I would complain and my father would say: “Your grandmother’s getting on.  She’s going to be 99.  This will probably be the last time we make this trip.”  And: “She’s going to be 100.  This will probably be the last time we make this trip.”  And: “She’s going to be 101.  This will probably be the last time we make this trip.”  My grandmother lived to 112.

2. Wagon Wheels

Ceeripes!  I couldn’t imagine a worse waste of calories than these chocolate-covered graham cracker-sandwiched marshmallow “treats” my grandmother used to serve us when we’d go visit.

1. Sunday school

If it wasn’t swimming lessons, then it was early-ish morning bible study.  Sundays just weren’t my day.  It’s even tougher when you’re a minister’s kid.

June 10, 2014: A World Cup Primer!

What is soccer?  “Soccer — also known as “the boring football” — consists of large groups of players kicking a ball, then chasing said ball back and forth on a field for extended periods of time.”

http://www.cracked.com/article_14785_cracked-faq-world-cup.html

“If there’s anything that resonates with the World Cup spirit, it’s hundreds and hundreds of cheering, excitable, weirdly dressed … RoboCop-styled policemen.”

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-scenes-from-world-cup-right-out-dystopian-future/

John Oliver explains FIFA:

Nevertheless, this is pretty cool:

An artist created 32 incredible photos for each World Cup team:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jamiewalker/the-definitive-ranking-of-world-cup-art-j6dg

Tagged: FIFA, soccer, world cup

June 9, 2014: The Monkey’s Paw!

Seriously.  I feel as though I’m the main character in a contemporary retelling of The Monkey’s Paw.  You know the story: Guy acquires a monkey’s paw that is purported to grant its owner three wishes.  Too late, said owner realizes he should have heeded the old adage “Be careful what you wish for.”.  There have been countless adaptations since the W. W. Jacobs’ short story first saw print in 1902, in literature, music, film & television.  The pinnacle, of course, being the Treehouse of Horrors episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa’s wish for world peace leads countries to destroy their nuclear stockpile, allowing aliens to sweep in and conquer a defenseless Earth.  Later in the episode, Homer’s wish for a turkey sandwich also has horrific unforeseen consequences…

Presently, I’m somewhere between a Homer and Lisa level of anguish of looming tragedy.

Somewhere down on my list of wishes, I’ll say #1089, is “I wish I had better handwriting”.  It’s so bad that there are times I can’t even decipher my own scrawl. But today, Akemi saved me a wish by informing me that Japanese researchers have discovered a link between atrocious handwriting and intelligence.  According to their findings. the thought process of brilliant individuals works so quickly that the physical act of writing can barely keep up.  Obviously, this explains my chicken scratch.  On the bright side, said researchers provide hope to those who would nevertheless like to improve their longhand.  Apparently, calligraphy helps.  I was heartened to hear it because I think I have a natural gift for flourished script. Check out the obvious talent in my Japanese signature:

I’m a regular Fujiawa no Shunzei, don’t you think?

Well, sadly, I won’t be breaking last month’s record of 25 books read (Yes, let’s not forget our Book of the Month Club).  I’ve spun my wheels on and abandoned TWO books this month.  This RARELY ever happens.  Even the bad ones, which are usually mercifully short, I manage to get through.  But not these two.  I gave them a shot – 100 pages for one, 65 for another, but, ultimately, I just couldn’t do it. Happily, it’s much smoother sailing on Justin Cronin’s The Passage.

So, I’m curious.  What was the last book you gave up on why?

June 8, 2014: My May Reads!

Capsule reviews of all the books I read in May…and there were more than a few:

ME BEFORE YOU by Jojo Moyes

An individual with no caregiving experience is hired to look after a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who has all but given up on life.  Eventually, the two overcome their mutual uncertainty to form a bond, experiencing happiness, adventure, and, ultimately, love.  This, by the way, is the premise of Intouchables, a great French movie that came out in 2011.  It’s also the premise for this maudlin novel released in 2012. 

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER by Dan Wells

15 year old John Wayne Cleaver is obsessed with serial killers.  He is so obsessed, in fact, that he studies them religiously in order to figure out how to avoid becoming one.  But when a body turns up and it looks like a serial killer has struck close to him, things become a lot more complicated for John.  I LOVED the first 100 pages of this book.  It was darkly humorous and set up a great premise that…crashed and burned with the revelation that the murderer is actually a supernatural entity.  Huh??  This book had the makings of a ghoulishly clever crime novel and character study but, for some reason, morphs into a silly monster hunt.  Hugely disappointing.

THE INVERTED WORLD by Christopher Priest

A city moves along a railroad track in constant, laborious progress, attempting to keep up with something called “the optimum” – or risk losing pace and falling victim to a gravitational field that has warped space and time.  This is a truly bizarre work of science fiction that jumps between multiple narrative styles in telling a story that is both grounded in its characters yet intellectually and creatively provocative in its conceit.  At times, I felt like I was reading Leigh Brackett’s The Long Tomorrow - on acid.

A FALL OF MOONDUST by Arthur C. Clarke

A cruiser traveling on the lunar surface is lost in The Sea of Thirst, buried deep in the dust.  The cruiser’s occupants try to maintain their spirits as a rescue mission is mounted and life support systems begin to fail.  A hard SF version of those Irwin Allen disaster features from the 70′s.  Classic but staid and, at times, dated and silly.

THE NIGHT CIRCUS by Erin Morgenstern

Against the backdrop of a mysterious circus, two young magicians must square off in an age-old duel fueled by the rivalry of their respective fathers.  But matters are complicated by romantic entanglements.  A good book certain to appeal to fans of the genre, but I inevitably find magic-themed stories incredibly frustrating. Unlike, say, SF that sets down technological parameters as to what can and cannot be achieved, in magic-based narratives all bets are off.  Shits happens, people die and then, ultimately, it’s all upended because…magic!  Ho hum.

THE LIONS OF AL-RASSANby Guy Gavriel Kay

Moorish Spain (or a fictional version thereof) is the backdrop of this sweeping historical fantasy involving sieges, warfare, diabolical plots, courtly intrigue, crosses, double-crosses, friendship, and romance.  At heart of it all are three protagonists whose backgrounds and alliances lead them on intersecting paths both heroic and tragic.  Brilliant world-building and wonderfully nuanced characters.  My introduction to the works of author Guy Gavriel Kay novel.  Highly recommended.

THE BRIEF AND FRIGHTENING REIGN OF PHIL by George Saunders

A nonsense novella about the fictitious principalities of Inner and Outer Horner.  It’s a silly and ultimately unsatisfying political and social satire that feels like it was written over the course of a drink-fueled evening.

THE WALL OF THE SKY, THE WALL OF THE EYE by Jonathan Lethem

I was looking forward to this one but was left disappointed by a collection of SF-themed stories containing some interesting ideas but not much in the way of cohesive, self-contained narratives.

THE SHINING GIRLS by Lauren Beukes

A serial killer travels through time, dispatching of his victims: young women he refers to as “shining girls”.  Finally, a time travel novel that makes sense.  Sort of. An interesting premise and no real faults in time travel logic – but no real answers either.  Why is this house a time machine?  What motivates the serial killer to murder these women?  What makes them “shine”?  They’re developing this book for television so maybe the t.v. series will have the answers.  But probably not.

THE ROAD TO RECKONING by Robert Lautner

You can almost smell the gun smoke, sweat, and campfire in this gritty Western character piece about a young boy, orphaned after his father’s murder, who enlists the help of an ornery bastard to get him home.  Smart and surprisingly absorbing. A great read.

SALVATION OF A SAINT by Keigo Higashino

I went in expecting a page-turning crime thriller but ended up with an awkward and plodding mystery that isn’t really a mystery at all because we know whodunit from the start.  The body of the book is just an extended conversation of deduction.  Unlike the author’s previous novel, The Devotion of Suspect X, there’s little in the way of actual suspense or narrative build.  In the end, when all is revealed, the details of the murder are so implausible they’re almost laughable.  I suspect that this novel may have also suffered from the quality of its translation.

PERFUME by Patrick Susskind

In 18th century France, a child is born without scent.  Because of this strange, physiological trait, he grows up a social pariah.  But, eventually, he finds his calling – first as a brilliant perfumer, and later as a diabolical serial killer who uses scent to manipulate those around him.  This book has all the makings of a unique, engaging novel but its promise is undone by a thoroughly detestable protagonist.  I’m not saying that our serial-killing main character must necessarily possess traits that make him sympathetic to the reader (a la Dexter or Hannibal Lecter), but it would be nice to get inside his head at some point and learn a little about him.  Instead, it’s all surface.  The corpses pile up.  Our a creepy freak of a protagonist bemoans his scentless genitals.    And it all culminates in one of the stupidest endings ever committed to print.

Would have made a fine short story.

SCHRODER by Amity Gaige

In the heat of a custody battle, a desperate father takes his daughter on an ill-advised extended road trip.  It’s one of several big errors in judgement that lead our protagonist down an inevitably heartbreaking path.  The fairly straightforward premise belies a surprising complexity in this touching and tragic tale.  On the surface, not “the type of book” I’d enjoy – but I was thoroughly engrossed.

THE SLAP by Christos Tsiolkas

At a family gathering, a guest slaps a child not his own.  A lawsuit and strained relationships ensue in this comprehensive look at the ties that bind one extended family.  This book certainly does a masterful job of pushing the reader’s buttons. I’ve heard that many mothers who read the book were outraged and extremely sympathetic to the child and his mother.  I, on the other hand, had no sympathy for the spoiled brat and his loopy, smothering mom.  In fact, I had little to no sympathy for any of the multitudinous characters who people this novel.  They’re all beyond flawed and well into “reprehensible” territory.  I should have seen it coming when, only one page in, I was already annoyed with a character who takes advantage of his wife being away by: “not washing or brushing his teeth all weekend.”  Come on.  Regardless of company kept, what kind of neanderthal doesn’t brush their teeth all weekend?  A consistently irritating read.

AUTHORITY Jeff VanderMeer

The second book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy picks up where things left off in Annihilation – sort of.  The focus has shifted to the shadowy government agency that has been overseeing the various expeditions into Area X.  Our protagonist, John Rodrigues (nicknamed “Control”), assumes command of the operation and attempts to make sense of the baffling leads in the ongoing investigation: secret notes, a bizarre video, and an uncooperative witness (the biologist from the first book).  He begins to suspect that Area X has broken containment and gained a foothold in our reality, the realization dawning on the reader in a simultaneous slow, creeping burn of a narrative.  The subversive terror of the first book is ratcheted up, building to a disquieting climax that left me in great anticipation for the final instalment.

GREAT NORTH ROAD by Peter F. Hamilton

The murder of a member of the powerful North “family of clones” triggers an investigation that peels the onion on a dark conspiracy, ancestral secrets, covert weaponry, and a desperate alien sentience.  More masterful world-building in this epic narrative that jumps around different points of view, some (the military hunt for an otherworldly predator) more interesting than others (the official police investigation).  It’s an interesting, though at times overwrought ride that culminates in a resolution that will please fans of scifi, fans of clever thrillers less so.

NEBULA AWARDS SHOWCASE 2014 edited by Kij Johnson

A selection of this past year’s Nebula award winners and nominees showcases a varied mix of stories and excerpts.  My favorites were the more character-oriented entries: “After the Fall, Before the Fall, During the Fall”,a Nancy Kress eco-thriller about a group of post-apocalypstic survivors who travel back in time, kidnapping children to help ensure humanity’s survival, and “Christmas Inn” by Gene Wolf, a deceptive, deep and textured tale about a struggling family hosting some strange guests on Christmas Eve.  Some big, provocative ideas.

FROSTBORN by Lou Anders

Award-winning editor Lou Anders first novel is a Norse-inspired, adventure-fueled tale for young fantasy enthusiasts.  Karn, a young farmer-to-be, strikes up an unlikely friendship with Thianna, a half-giantess, to take on undead forces, an ancient dragon, troublesome trolls, an opportunistic uncle, and more!  If you’re looking to inspire your child to follow in your Martin/Eddings/Jordan-loving footsteps, then this book is a great place to start.

FUTURE BABBLE by Dan Gardner

Author Dan Gardner looks at our innate desire for order and how it drives us to seek pattern in a chaotic universe.  Experts, it turns out, are no more accurate than the flip of a coin, and their popularity has less to do with their predicive successes (or lack thereof) than showmanship.  An interesting if not altogether unsurprising read.

THE TROOP by Nick Cutter

A field trip on an isolated island takes a horrific turn for a group of young boys when their scout leader welcomes an emaciated stranger into their camp.  It’s a horror version of Lord of Flies that is at turns harrowing, humorous, and thoroughly engaging.  Wonderfully written.  It’s heads and shoulders above most novels in the genre.

SWORDS AND DEVILTRY by Fritz Leiber

The first book in one of my very favorite fantasy series starts off with a more of a determined whimper than a bang, offering an interesting, dark, at times surprisingly somber account of the early lives of our two heroes and their eventual meeting.  There are flashes of fun throughout, especially in the dynamic between Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser, initially as strangers crossing paths, then as fast friends over drinks and, finally, as allies united in revenge.  Not as strong as the ensuing instalments, but solid storytelling nevertheless, holding the promise of greatness to come.

WALKING IN CIRCLES BEFORE LYING DOWN by Merrill Markoe

Our protagonist is a romantic loser whose increasingly pathetic existence is dealt a curveball the day her dog begins to talk to her.  And not just her dog.  She soon realizes she can hold conversations with other dogs as well.  And what do all these dogs have to say?  Oh, you know, pretty much what you’d expect a dog to say if you’ve read any of those anthromorphic animal comic strips.  They offer “hilarious” insights into relationships and life, are able to recognize and identify an Oasis song but, on the other hand, mysteriously have no understanding of tears or death. The opportunity for “funny” dialogue trumps reason – but, hey, it’s a book about talking dogs so I suppose I shouldn’t expect internal logic to prevail.  The writing style reads like David Sedaris lite.

Enjoyed the Look Who’s Talking movies?  Well, you may enjoy this book as well.

A DANCE WITH DRAGONS by George R. R. Martin

The first three books rank among my Top 10 Fantasy Reads, so it’s been incredibly disappointing to see the wheels fall off this once great series.  Back in the day, it used to be a true page turner, building suspense from chapter to chapter, offering unexpected twists and shocking turns.   Now, the individual stories drag out as more and more characters are added to the increasingly complex mix.  Two-thirds of the way through this book, all those characters reached critical mass and I began to lose my patience as well as interest.

BIRD BOX by Josh Malerman

A suspenseful horror thriller that is undermined by some minor inconsistencies in logic.  A series of bizarre murder-suicides in Russia pique the media’s interest, but when these horrific incidents begin to proliferate and start striking closer to home, the world descends into a blind panic.  Rumour spreads that people are being driven insane by the sight of some mysterious otherworldly entities and, soon, people have retreated into their homes, covering up their windows, refusing to open their eyes if they venture outdoors.  The novel opens on our protagonist, Malorie, as she attempts to safeguard the lives of two young children, then jumps back in time to, five years earlier, when a pregnant Malorie seeks refuge with a group of survivors.  We hop back and forth, between the past and present, and the twin stories unfold in spellbinding fashion. Still, issues arise when you stop to reflect.  People seem to connect these strange murders to a visual cue way too quickly and with little evidence to support this theory.  Animals (dogs, wolves) are seemingly unaffected by the sight of these creatures and yet, later in the novel, ARE affected.  Perhaps oddest of all is Malorie’s decision to name the children Boy and Girl rather than giving them proper names.  Minor quibbles aside, however, it’s a helluva page-turner.

June 7, 2014: Food with friends!

Our old friend Gary, aka gforce, is in town for a few days, so we met up for some eats:

Lunch at Nicli Antica (62 E Cordova St, Vancouver) for a parade of pizzas….

Then over to Cadeaux Bakery (172 Powell St, Vancouver) for a selection of sweets…

And, finally, back to our place where Gary met the gang – and hit it off with Lulu…

And, to top things off, Gary was kind enough to gift us a seasonal selection of chocolates from Beta 5 (413 Industrial Ave, Vancouver)…

Tonight, we met up with our friend Kathy, aka Kathode, for dinner at Sun Sui Wah (3888 Main St, Vancouver).  When I made the reservations, they neglected to inform me that the main dining room was booked for a wedding reception – so we were shuttled to a tiny adjoining room where we enjoyed our meal, serenaded by 80′s tunes and bad karaoke.  On the bright side, Kathy sampled Peking Duck for the first time!

Squab. The house special!

Crispy duck skin. The best part!

Getting the hang of it.

Geoduck two ways. Akemi’s favorite!

The house special rice. My favorite!

For dessert, we were presented with a special dessert – tapioca pie – compliments of the Manager.  I felt bad.  I didn’t get him anything. :(

June 6, 2014: Akemi should get her own sitcom!

Zoodles.  That’s what Akemi calls the above-pictured dish.  It’s the disrespectful vegan version of spaghetti in which pasta is substituted with zucchini strips, yielding a culinary catastrophe that is both disgusting in appearance AND flavor yet less starchy and calorie-laden.  In fairness, that would have also been the case had she substituted shoelaces instead.

My review: “It tastes like dirt.”

Her review: “Why do vegan people lie to me?”

Why?  Because they’re evil.

Sadly, Akemi had to fly solo on this one as I opted for the less-healthy salmon burger and roasted broccoli.

Fortunately for her, we had a big lunch today at Fable.  Akemi enjoyed her meal but found the air-conditioned room way too cold for her shorts and t-shirt ensemble, so she improvised a shawl using our napkins:

Seriously, I felt like I was out with my kooky aunt, the one who’d go shopping in her bathrobe and slippers.

Yesterday, Akemi was going through the old medicine cabinet, tossing out expired pills belonging to “the former administration”.  Every so often, she would present me with a bottle and inquire about its contents.  Selenium.  Magnesium.  Milk thistle.  And this -

After I explained what it was – and what it did – she drew the following helpful diagram as a future reminder:

Finally, today Akemi was inquiring about the phrase “born with a silver spoon in their mouth”.  She wanted to know: “Why silver and not gold?  Gold is better, no?” Well, yes.  I didn’t have an answer for her outside of the fact that the alliteration of silver spoon sounds so much nicer.  She wondered if there was a similar phrase to suggest someone born to simpler means: “…like born with Mcdonalds plastic spoon in his mouth?”

Hmmm.  I don’t know.  Doesn’t ring a bell.

Anyone?

June 5, 2014: What’s the deal with Archie Andrews?

Seriously?  What the heck is going on here?  Last time I read I checked in on the gang from Riverdale, these were the type of shenanigans they were getting into:

And then, somewhere along the line, things took a darker turn for Archie Andrews (or, one could argue, a lighter turn for Frank Castle) and we got this:

Suddenly, our Archie had grown up.  Instead of just hanging around Pop Tate’s Pop Shoppe or toying with Betty and Veronica’s emotions, he was suddenly running afoul of crazed, gun-toting vigilantes…

And then, eventually, after 67 years of straddling the fence, Archie finally made up his mind and decided between Betty and Veronica choosing…

The bad girl.  So decided – FINALLY – he married Veronica…

Or, wait, maybe it was Betty…

Or both of those stories took place in an alternate universe so he could continue dating both in addition to her -

And her -

And her -

And then cold reality intruded with the passing of longtime high school teacher Miss Grundy -

- who perished from lyme disease after being bitten by a deer tick while out hunting pronghorns at Houston National Forest.

Or wait.  Maybe that was a dream.  Well, the part about the deer tick.  But she DID die (presumably in the same alternate universes where Archie met the Punisher, finally chose Veronica and married both of his high school sweethearts).

Craziness abounds:

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/04/the_10_craziest_moments_from_life_with_archie_the.php

And then shit REALLY gets real when Jughead’s dead dog returns from the grave, setting off a zombie apocalypse at Riverdale.

And in the presumed final chapter of the life of Archie Andrews, we can finally look forward to the death of the world’s most indecisive teenager:

http://www.archiecomics.com/Blogs/tabid/97/EntryId/1563/LEGENDARY-COMIC-BOOK-CHARACTER-ARCHIE-ANDREWS-DIES-IN-JULY.aspx

Apparently he goes hunting for pronghorns at Sam Houston National Forest…

Tagged: Archie, Archie Andrews, Archie Dies, Life with Archie