Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 425

May 15, 2014: Vegas, Day #1!

Welcome to The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.

How incredibly disappointing.  Last time we were here, we had a balcony with a view overlooking the Bellagio fountains and, most importantly, a nice deep bathtub for Akemi to soak away the afternoon.  This time around = no balcony, no view, and no bathtub at all.

The above-pictured artwork (slightly adjusted for irony) adorns the wall above my bed and neatly sums up my feelings right about now.

To think I left THIS behind:

May 14, 2014: Hockey, waiting, and alarmingly elaborate culinary creations!

Last night as the game headed into overtime…

Me: “Who are you rooting for, the Chicago Blackhawks or the Minnesota Wild?”

Akemi: “The Minestrone Wild.”

Alas, it was a sad night in Minestrone.  The Wild ended up losing and were eliminated from playoff contention.

Well, we’re Vegas-bound for a few days.  I was hoping to have everything wrapped up on this new project by now but, of course, things are progressing at a glacial pace because…well, welcome to show business.  That awesome lead time we were looking to take advantage of is gradually shrinking away.  There may come a point when my enthusiasm to face the challenges ahead will wane and I’ll simply have to move on.  Not there yet but if this goes on much longer without definitive word, or I lose any of my key players while we’re waiting, then I’m going to have to start looking southwards.  Again.  And, when I do, I think I’ll be looking at a changing of the old guard.

On the one hand, it’ll be nice to get away.  On the other hand, we’ll certainly miss the dogs.  Especially Akemi who has…maybe not quite “lost her mind” but certainly “shown alarmingly elaborate creativity” in preparing their various snacks and meals, to wit:

Exhibit A: Bear cookies (peanut butter, sesame, oats, cinnamon, nutritious yeast, and dried cranberries).

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Finally, since we’re on the topic of suspect culinary creations – Akemi has taken a liking to the offerings at a local eatery featuring “health conscious” cuisine, everything from veggie pot pie to chocolate-beet cake (Why you would do that to a perfectly good chocolate cake?).  She’ll stop off every Wednesday, while I’m doing the rounds of my local book and comic book stores, and grab herself at oat bran square or a day-old muffin (Not because she can’t afford the fresh ones but because she actually prefers the drier leftovers).  The other day, she decided to go off-book and picked up one of their cookies.  Check it out:

As my father was fond of saying: “Who did THAT in THERE?!”.

 

May 12, 2014: Brain check! Ready, set, but not quite go!

I registered Akemi and me for one of those private health plans that allows you to see a specialist or run a CT scan without having to wait for six months or longer. Part of the service is a comprehensive health assessment that includes blood tests, a full physical, and visits with a dietitian, kinesiologist, and someone called a “Brain Health and Psychological Health Consultant”.  When I informed Akemi about the latter, she seemed genuinely concerned.

Akemi: “Even though I sometimes give the wrong answer in English, my brain is correct.”

Me:  “Well, we’ll let the experts decide.”

By the time we get around to having MY head examined, I could well be in a lot of trouble.  But nothing that the proper prescription can’t cure: valium, tranquillizers, or chewable bourbon tablets.  The past couple of weeks have been mighty crazy as we scramble to put the pieces together for this potential production.  It finally looks like it’s going to happen (let’s say 90% sure), but if it does, it won’t be without its challenges.  Still, we’ll have plenty of lead time to plan and write some tight, production-friendly scripts.  Today, I sent Paul my plan for the 13 episode first season and will do the same for our Production-Designer-in-waiting, provided we hear some good news on the budget front tomorrow.  I’m sure you’ll all agree that construction and VFX are key, especially for a ship-based show, so it’s important for those numbers to make sense.  And if they do, great!  If they don’t, I’m moving to Japan to become a hilarious gaikokkujin comedian.

Or maybe just end up on one of their prank shows:

Head on over here to help support Stargate fan Bethany who is raising money for a support Service Dog: http://www.gofundme.com/ServiceDog4BethanyDraves

May 12, 2014: 9 shows that survived terrible early ratings to become legends of television!

I see a lot of fans complaining about the fact that networks don’t really give shows a chance to find their audience.  If a series doesn’t perform well out of the gate, it’s usually curtains for that production.  Some will argue it’s only fair.  After all, television is a business and if a show can’t succeed, then why waste the time and effort?

Well, the following shows premiered to lacklustre ratings but, for whatever reasons, were kept on the air.  And – whaddya know – they ended up not only finding an audience, but flourished.

Submitted for your personal: 9 shows that survived terrible early ratings to become legends of television!

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW

Although CBS was planning to cancel the show after its first season, Proctor & Gamble threatened to withdraw its advertising from the network’s daytime programming and won it a reprieve.  In the second season, it became a top ten show after following the popular Beverly Hillbillies.

Run: 5 season, 158 episodes and one reunion special, 15 Emmy Awards, ranked as one of TV Guide’s Top 50 Greatest T.V. Shows of All Time.

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW

It premiered to “lukewarm” ratings and poor reviews but the gang at WJM stuck it out and, by its second season, it was a top ten show.

Run: 7 seasons, 168 episodes, 29 Emmy Awards, ranked #6 on the WGA’s 101 Best-Written T.V. Series of All Time.

ALL IN THE FAMILY

Despite its highly controversial premiere, the ratings for its first season were so low that it flirted with cancellation.  But, after building an audience with its summer reruns, it captured #1 spot in the Nielsen ratings on its return, a top ranking it would hold for six consecutive years.

Run: 9 seasons, 208 episodes, 21 Emmy Awards, and ranked #4 on T.V. Guide’s Top 50 Greatest T.V. Shows of All Time.

M*A*S*H

It’s first season saw it pull in ratings so abysmally low that CBS almost cancelled it. Almost.  Instead, the show came back for a second season and, following its new lead-in, All in the Family, became a top ten show.

Run: 11 seasons, 256 episodes, 14 Emmy Awards,#25 on T.V. Guide’s Top 50 Greatest T.V. Shows of All Time, it’s finale was watched by 125 million viewers.

FAMILY TIES

After a couple of middling seasons in the ratings, the show finally hit its stride in its third season.

Run: 7 season, 176 episodes, 5 Emmy Awards.

HILL STREET BLUES

This ground-breaking police drama had the distinction of being the lowest-rated show ever renewed for a second season.  While its ratings were never gangbusters, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences took notice, nominating the show for 98 Emmy Awards.

Run: 7 seasons, 147 episodes, 26 Emmy Awards, ranked #14 in T.V. Guide’s Greatest T.V. Shows of All Time.

CHEERS

With a premiere ranking 74th out of the 77 shows aired that season, Cheers seemed doomed to failure but, by some miracle, it survive the axe.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Run: 11 season, 270 episodes, 28 Emmy Awards, was a top ten show for 8 of its 11 seasons, ranked #18 on T.V. Guide’s Top 50 Greatest T.V. Shows of All Time.

SEINFELD

Another show that got off to a slow start, and an extended one at that.  After two low-rated seasons (the first comprised of a mere 5 episodes), it bounced back – sort of – in its third season by climbing up to become the #42 ranked premiere on television.  But NBC stuck with it – and it finally found its audience.

Run: 9 seasons, 180 episodes, 10 Emmy Awards, ranked as the #1 Show of All Time by T.V. Guide.

HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREETS

The ratings for its first year were so low that it would have certainly been cancelled – if not for the two Emmy Awards it won in its fledgeling season.  Though never a ratings juggernaut, it remained a critical darling throughout its run.

Run: 7 seasons, 122 episodes, 4 Emmy Awards, 3 Peabody Awards.

Tagged: All in the Family, Cheers, Family Ties, Hill Street Blues, Homicide: Life on the Streets, M*A*S*H, Seinfeld, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

May 11, 2014: The Fantasy Pilot Television League results are in!

Well, the results of Lawren Bancroft-Wilson’s Fantasy Pilot Television League (named after the guy who did all the leg work for us) are in!  Although my former Stargate nemesis Ashleigh lead through most of the season, I overtook her in the final days of “pick-up Heaven/cancellation Hell” to win our pool by an impressive four points!

However, my impressive showing in that pool only earned me a second place TIE on this blog’s version of league play.  Our winner should quit their day job, head down to Hollywood, and get a job as a network executive since the current crop of t.v. execs scored a woeful – 11 (that’s negative 11!) in the pool.  Thankfully, you were all in positive territory (some more than others).

Interesting to note: Had you predicted cancellation for every one of the shows on this list, you would have come away with a strong 15 point finish.  Not enough to win, but remarkable nevertheless.

To refresh your memory, Lawren supplied us with a list of each network’s Fall lineup and we were asked to predict each show’s renewal prospects.  As for the league’s scoring system: ” If a show get’s picked up or cancelled (pulling the episodes from their original dates will count as cancellation) your choice will be multiplied two fold. So +1 for a correct choice. -1 for a wrong choice. -2 if you bet against a show that get’s an early pickup. +2 if your correctly choose a show will get cancelled and has it’s airing cut short.”

So, once the dust settled, how did the scoring system break down?  Check it out…

And, most importantly how did you all do?  Well, I tabulated everyone’s score (skipping blank responses and “maybes”) and each result was verified by my french bulldog, Lulu, who was sitting on my lap at the time.  So if you’d like to file an appeal, please do so with her.

As for the results…

MReed, Bailey, Saryn Kitamo, DP, Miguel Reimer, and Rebecca = All ended up in the single digits.  You’re too optimistic.  Or, possibly, too pessimistic.  Or jointly optimistic and pessimistic about the wrong shows.

Randomness, Archersangel, PBMom, Sylvia and Alexis = 11-14.  Not bad.  You’ve earned “I told you so” status.

And now on to our Top finishers…

#4 Tie: fsmn36 = 17 points.  Best pick: Brooklyn Nine Nine.  Worst pick: Ironside.

#4 Tie: Airelle  = 17 points.  Best pick: Junior Masterchef.  Worst pick: Sean Saves the World.

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#3 Tie: ProfMadMax = 18 points.   Best pick: Brookly Nine Nine.  Worst pick: Dracula.

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#2 Tie: Marsha = 21 points.  Best pick: Junior Masterchef.  Worst pick: Intelligence.

#2 Tie: Me = 21 points Best pick: Brooklyn Nine Nine.  Worst pick: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland.

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And our WINNER….

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#1: Kathode = 23 points!  Best pick: Junior Masterchef  Worst Pick: Trophy Wife.

 Congratulations!  Remember us when you’re working for FOX.

Happy Mother’s Day!

May 10, 2014: My April Reads!

Capsule reviews of my April reads…

CHEW (vol. 8: Family Recipes) by John Layman and Rob Guillory

The eighth instalment in the ongoing series about detective Anthony Chu, a chibopath capable of receiving psychic impressions from whatever he tastes, be it inorganic matter or fresh(ly deceased) flesh and blood.  It’s been a wonderfully bizarre, over-the-top series but I feel the darkly humorous fun has took a turn for the darkly unhumorous a couple of volumes back with the gruesome murder of one of our main characters.  That surprising development left a, er, bad taste in my mouth and has cast a pall over the ensuing madcap proceedings.  It’s going to be tough to recover from that one, methinks.

THE DINNER by Herman Koch

About 50 pages into this novel comes this passage: “You do everything in your power to make the narrator shut up, but nothing helps.  They’re too far gone to notice the signals.  Above all, they’re addicted to themselves and their own crap about film.”  And that pretty much mirrored my feelings about this book in the early going except that, instead of focusing on film, our narrator goes on and on about the different dishes he is served.   Even the foodie in me found it incredibly tiresome.  But stick it out and, about a third of the way through, things pick up in this suspenseful tale of murder and the lengths people will go to protect those they love.

A CALCULATED LIFE By Anne Charnock

In the late 21st century, society has stratified into the haves (genetically-enhanced individuals who live comfortable lives free of addiction and crime) and the have-nots (drudge workers who live in segregated, crime-ridden communities). Our protagonist, Jayna, is a hot up-and-comer at a corporation that track global trends.  She has the perfect job, the perfect life and yet, she can’t help but feel that something is…off.  Perfection aint all it’s cracked up to be and when Jayna decides to inject a little unpredictability into her ordered existence, things take a turn for the dangerous.  A very smart book.  My favorite fiction read of April.

THE ELEGANCE OF THE HEDGEHOG by Muriel Barbery

50-something Parisian concierge Renee is a closet intellectual who keeps her interests and intelligence a secret from the upper class tenants of her building because she doesn’t want them judging her.  Ironically, she spends most of this novel generalizing and judging the upper class tenants of her building – when she’s not going on philosophical tangents. Paloma is a young Parisian teen who has evidently read Mersault’s L’Etranger one too many times and is overcome by a pervading sense of ennui.  She is so brilliant she doesn’t want to draw attention to herself and plans to commit suicide. Tsk, Parisian kids these days.  These two insufferably annoying characters are the dual protagonists of this pretentious bore of a novel. If this books was someone you met at a party, two minutes into a conversation with her and you’d be heading for the door.

MAN IN THE EMPTY SUIT by Sean Ferrell

I love a good time travel story – but, alas, this one isn’t.  A tale of a man who travels to an abandoned New York in 2071 to celebrate his birthday with past and present versions of himself.  But, on his 39th fete, he discovers the corpse of his 40 year old self.  A lengthy, meandering, convoluted investigation ensues.

BLOOD AND IRON by Jon Sprunk

Horace is a ship-wrecked soldier on enemy land.  Soon after being sold into service as a house slave, he discovers that he is possessed of powerful magical abilities. With the help of two unlikely allies – a gladiator named Jirom and spy named Alyra – he must circumvent courtly intrigues and dangerous external conspiracies to win the freedom of the empire’s slaves.  A rip-rousing opener to an ongoing series that offers great fun and adventure, but a little too much magic for my taste.

HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG by Andre Dubus III

A clerical error sparks a property dispute between a former Iranian Air Force Colonel and a recovering addict, a conflict fueled by desperation and pride that eventually leads to tragic consequences.  Dubus does a masterful job of presenting us with the very real and very sympathetic people on both sides of the issue.  This one will stay with you.

VILLAIN by Shuichi Yoshida

I was expecting a crime thriller in the vein of Keigo Higashino’s The Devotion of Suspect X but, instead, got a plodding and unengaging mystery that wasn’t really a mystery at all because we know whodunit from the get-go .  Ultimately, more of a character study of some very bleak personalities, the whole hampered by an awkward, at times stilted, translation.

THE WEIRDNESS by Jeremy Bushnell

Satan appears to struggling writer Billy Ridgeway one day and offers to make him a success IF he will do one thing for him: steal a cat statue with magical powers from a warlock hiding out in New York City.  It’s a fun premise but this book is a good example of how over-the-top silliness can undermine any real sense of jeopardy. The loopier the narrative developments, the weaker the emotional investment so that, by the time you finish reading the novel, it’s already forgotten.

SUPER GRAPHIC by Tim Leong

This visual guide to the comic book universe uses pie charts, venn diagrams, bar graphs, maps, and trajectories to highlight some fun facts.  Whether it’s a rundown of DC’s alternate Earths, the pizza particulars of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the alliances and connections of the denizens of Sin City, a Walking Dead kill counter, a map of Tintin’s travels, or a taxonomy of animal-named characters, there’s something here for most every fan to geek-out over.  LOVED it!

20TH CENTURY GHOSTS by Joe Hill

An early collection of short horror tales by Joe Hill, this one is a mixed bag. Standouts for me included “Pop Art”, about a boy and his inflatable best buddy, “The Cape”, in which a boy discovers he can fly – kind of, and “Voluntary Committal” that tells the tale of a young savant’s ability to build complex cardboard mazes to other worlds.  These three alone are worth the cover price.  For those who aren’t fanS of short fiction but would like to check out Hill’s work, I would strongly recommend his latest novel, N0S4A2.

THE DRAGON BUSINESS by Kevin J. Anderson

A king tries to toughen his young son up by telling him a tale from his days running a dragon-protection scam, a con that was going very well – until things were complicated by the appearance of an actual dragon.  Not quite Pratchett but it has its funny moments.  Still, as mentioned in a previous review, after a while silliness robs the narrative of any real stakes.  Light, popcorn fun.

May 9. 2014: What I Did This Week!

Blogged.

Read five books.

Worked out.

Spent quality time with the dogs.

Played phone/text/email tag with our production partner.

Did a “leaner/tighter” pass on the pilot.

Added two new sections to the show’s bible: “The Economic/Political Structure” and “Getting Around” (via ship and transfer stations).

Drafted an overview of the 13 episode first season complete with story synopses, character arcs, key revelations, and approximations of days in/days out, episodic construction requirements and VFX classifications (minimal, moderate, significant).

Wrote a separate “Character secrets” document to accompany the general “Characters” section of the show bible.

Got in touch with some key individuals to see if they’d be interested in getting the band back together.  So far, so unanimous yes.

Out of curiosity, had a friend and former co-worker look into the rights for a certain song.

Discussed scheduling and game plan with my writing partner.

Impatiently awaited preliminary budgets and that very final piece of the puzzle.

Went out for ramen.  Meh.

And what did you guys get up to this week?

May 8, 2014: News of Note!

Hollywood bemoans its lack of experienced writing producers.  And, presumably, Starbucks coffeehouses: http://www.deadline.com/2014/05/showrunners-wanted-networks-grapple-with-lack-of-experienced-writing-producers/

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Drew Magary (author of the terrific The Postmortal) confirms what we’ve all suspected for a while now: Facebook is dead.

“Apart from the long-standing complaints about privacy and insufferable people posting pictures of their own feet from a fucking beach, it’s really only useful as a one-time thing. You make your account. You look up old classmates. And you either a) see if they still look good and then go gratify yourself to any long-dormant sexual fantasies, or b) contact those people, re-kindle your friendship, and then continue that relationship in a place that is NOT Facebook. You meet them for a drink. You email them. You text them. You ask them for a job.”  http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/facebook-is-dead-1569469413

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Pro-pizza Jimmy Kimmel takes on anti-gluten adherents:

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The gang at SFSignal offer their list of The Top 10 Greatest SF Movies Ever Made: http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/2014/05/watching-the-future-the-top-10-greatest-science-fiction-movies-ever-made/#more-93376.  Agree?  Disagree?  I’m surprised Alien didn’t make the list.  And that Monsters and Melancholia almost did.

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Looking to make your own liquid olives?  Here’s how:

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Trailer for the documentary How To Build A Time Machine that follows two men in their attempts to build working time machines.  Are they successful?  I guess you’ll have to watch the movie to find out:

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Game of Thrones’ Producers Aren’t Listening To You, And That’s A Problem.  Or is it?

May 7, 2014: Mailbag!

I’m busy outlining a 13-episode first season for a new SF series.

But more on that in another blog entry.

In the meantime, when’s the last time I did a mailbag?

Mailbag:

Tam Dixon writes: “He likes them well done and you know how hard it is to retain the tenderness when cooked that way?! Thanks to foodnetwork, I almost have it down (at least with fillets).”

Answer: Well, now you got me curious.  How do you serve a tender steak well-done?

Denise McInerney writes: “Did she mix the watermelon with the gelatin? Sorry to say, the food for the pups looks better than some of the stuff that came out of my kitchen this past month.”

Answer: Yes, it’s a gelatin watermelon.  And, to be honest, the food Akemi prepares for the dogs OFTEN looks better than anything I eat.

Denise McInerney also writes: “Having said that–just made a pretty decent low-fat, pork tenderloin shredded barbecue. Season a 2-lb tenderloin with sea salt, pepper and a little thyme, then toss in slow-cooker with bottle of root beer for 7-8 hours on low. Ok, I hear you laughing from all the way over on this coast! The RB acts as a tenderizer. Really.”

Answer: I believe it.  I occasionally do a slow-roast with coca cola.  Don’t have a slow cooker but it’s next on my list.  My friend Ivon is a slow-cooking expert!

whoviantrish writes: “Well.. I had some absolutely fabulous lemon ricotta pancakes topped with lemon curd, strawberries and fresh mint. I know you’re not a fan of mint, Joe.”

Answer: Actually, I’m finding I do like fresh mint on certain desserts.

whoviantrish also writes: “My youngest is 13 today! Erin is a teenager now. “

Answer: Congrats to both of you!  How are you celebrating?

Jovanna writes: “Sitiawan and Lumut in Perak, Malaysia are interesting places to go that not many people go to. It’s a lot more suburban now and you’d definitely need a tour guide or you might get mugged or ripped off…”

Answer: The potential for getting mugged or ripped off is a definite con when I put together potential vacation destinations.  Oh, and add kidnapping to that list.

skua writes: “About the Yak beef i think is more a Beef aging problem this type of beef need a long dry maduration only few providers do nowadays. I think this yak need 4 week of controled dry-agging before you can cook it properly.”

Answer: Interesting!  I’m going to mention this to my butcher as he had no idea how best to prepare the yak steaks.  He just brought them in because they were unique and is now looking for feedback from his customers.

Michael Carney writes: “Like you and many of your readers/reviewers, Joe, I suffered my way through “The Rich and the Dead”.  Reading your follow-up column and its comments helped (a little) with the trauma that ensued.Just realised, however, that any publicist worth his/her salt could mine both column and comments and come up with some quotable quotes:

“dazzled … a great idea … A tremendous achievement” – Joseph Mallozzi

“Liv Spector is the next Dan Brown!” Kathode”

Answer: I laughed out loud.  Brilliant.

Line Noise writes: “The most interesting (if you could call it that) thing I cooked/ate last month was my Volcano Roasted Blackened Pork Belly.”

Answer: Well, it sounds delicious anyway.

dasndanger writes: “In fact, the best thing I’ve made lately was out of a box: gluten-free brownies from http://xobakingco.com/”;

Answer: Akemi has been making gluten-free brownies of late.  They taste…good for you!

JeffW writes: “The real problem though, is the whole presupposition (such as it was) falls apart if Teddy was already back in time himself; he could just stake-out the property and observe. He could’ve also hired a couple of PI’s to track escape vehicles. There was no need to send Lila back in that case.”

Answer: Which, as someone already pointed out, would have meant no story and no book.  Which is not at all a bad thing.

JeffW also writes: “To fix this, the author could have provided some back story and also made up some rules to justify the premise better…”

Answer: If only YOU had been her editor instead of whoever “edited” her book (Her father?  Her best friend?  A table lamp?).

arcticgoddess writes: “What I do not understand about really bad books is one detail – how the heck do they get published?”

Answer: The same way bad shows get made = terrible decision making.

Erick writes: “I had a friend who was a mid-level manager of sorts at a major book chain in Toronto. She was always transfered calls from media outlets whenever they called to survey what novel or book was their topseller, top pick or on their most recommended list. She would just list off whatever she felt like or remembered seeing in the store. It was that scientific.”

Answer: It’s now my new favorite thing to do = calling staffers on their staff picks.  BTW – How go things in Montreal?

N writes: “I think the craziest part for me was seeing all the good reviews on Goodreads. Really?”

Answer: Yeah, I’m always dubious about those 5 star reviews.

skua writes: “I wonder if she need the hazmat suit to prevent the almost certain dead during the transport, why? returns without the f… suit?.”

Answer: Very good point.  I guess it’s like a visit to Yemen.  Only going is dangerous.

Adam writes: “I would like to ask, if there is any chance for Stargate Universe Soundtrack release (for both seasons). What would be necessary for the release? “

Answer: You would have to get in touch with MGM.  The studio owns the rights to Stargate and all its related merchandise.  But, for what it’s worth, I agree.  An SGU soundtrack that shows off the incredible talent that was Joel Goldsmith is long overdue.

cat4444 writes: “It was also a bit too convenient that Lila noticed the tattoo on the arm of the man that shot Dylan and just happened to notice the same tattoo, and the design on the coat of arms, after she returned to 2018 and went to Dylan’s home.”

Answer: Oh, don’t get me started.  Convenient is one way of putting it.  Incredibly contrived is another.

cat4444 also writes: “Personally, I thought that Lila herself would turn out to be the killer and that her reason for it would be something she discovered on her jaunt into the past. After all, what better way to explain the complete lack of evidence and suspects than to have a killer that travelled through time?”

Answer: See, now I like your version so much more.

cat4444 writes: “Teddy seems to have chosen Lila to go back in time to investigate the murders, but never actually states why it has to be her and only her.”

Answer: Yes, I was waiting to find out what made her so special.  Maybe he felt sorry for her because she was too incompetent to solve it the first time around?

cat4444 writes: “Also, if Teddy has a time machine, why didn’t he simply go back to a few minutes before the murders to find out for himself who the killer was? Why the whole charade with Lila?”

Answer: Because Liv Spector wanted to write a book, logic be damned.

cat4444 writes: “I also don’t quite see how a bunch of rich people decide to create a “murder club” for philanthropic purposes.”

Answer: Yeah, at that point why not just reveal they’re actually philanthropic aliens who need to feed on human flesh – which is why they created the murder club.  To get more victims for their banquets!

cat4444 writes: “Then, too, if the murders have been going on for 100 years, why has no one made any connection between the killings and the Society or its members? I can’t imagine that rich philanthropists are all that skilled at murder and that at least one of them would have left some evidence behind in all that time. “

Answer: The wealthier you are, the better you are at killing people.  It’s common sense!

cat4444 writes: “Any killer worth the title would have told the Clod that his theory was a nice one, but that that was all it was – a theory – and since there was no evidence there was no case.”

Answer: But this killer is in love, and love makes people do stupid things.  Stupid, completely illogical, unbelievable things.

Kathode writes: “What I don’t get, though, is why it never occurred to Past Lila that Camilla Dayton was a suspect in the murder. Why had this “genius” detective never heard of Camilla in 2 years of investigating the case?”

Answer: Lila Day – Idiot P.I.!

whoviantrish writes: “Florida homes don’t have basements. I’m pretty sure that includes Star Island. The water table is just too high here.”

Answer: They’re so rich, they PAID to have the water table lowered.

kathode writes: “I can see maybe a fourteen-year-old writing this and thinking it were possible to try and convict someone posthumously, but any adult has lived long enough that she should know that this has never happened, and will never happen. Aside from the ridiculous expense of a court trial for someone who is dead and can’t be punished, you cannot convict someone who has no opportunity to take the stand in his own defence.”

Answer: But this is the future.  Anything is possible!

Ponytail writes: “I was also thinking how could 12 super rich people get murdered all at once and the crime not be solved.”

Answer: Because, as I pointed out in my review, the murderer’s plan was so damn brilliant.

kathode writes: “This woman has to be one of the worst detectives I’ve ever read. When she goes back in time and begins to meet various members of the Janus Society (the super-duper-secret society all the murder victims belonged to), she finds it odd that there’s this guy, Dylan, whom all the victims know and associate with semi-regularly, but whom she has never heard of. She, who investigated this crime obsessively for over 2 years. She, who supposedly interviewed any- and everyone who had anything to do with the murder victims. She should immediately be suspicious of him and think of him as a new potential suspect. But she doesn’t. Why not? Because he’s hot.”

Answer: Also charming.  You forgot charming.

kathode writes: “Only by sheer dumb luck (when she guiltily confesses her failed rescue attempt to her time-travel patron Teddy upon her empty-handed return to the present) do the pieces get put together, and by someone other than the “genius” detective!”

Answer: I wondered if she loaded her own gun.  Or dressed herself in the morning.

kathode writes: ” I don’t know about you, but the first thing I think of when I hear the name Janus is “two-faced”. But not Lila! She persists to the end in thinking the society purely philanthropic and its members “innocent victims”. Liv Spector even tries to justify Lila’s denseness by telling us the society “had been named for a Roman god, the god of beginnings…” as if that were all any normal person would think of when contemplating the society’s name. Sorry, Ms. Spector, but readers are, shockingly, often well read – much more so, at least, than your moronic detective.”

Answer: It’s like the old X-Men comic books when Magneto would insist he was fighting the good fight against humanity because his fellow mutants were misunderstood.  Seriously, buddy.  Step #1 to avoid having people assume you guys are bad people: DON’T call yourselves The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!

May 6, 2014: What’s cookin’?

Thanks to everyone who actually sat down and not only started May’s book of the month club pick, but actually finished it.  And an especially big thank you to those who took the time to offer their thoughts on The Rich and the Dead.  I kid you not – your reviews were infinitely more entertaining than the book itself which, in retrospect, is like a deeply textured masterpiece of awfulness.  With every new review I read in the comments section of this blog, I discover additional narrative contrivances, silly character moments, and just plain dumb developments that I failed to notice the first time.  It almost makes me want to re-read the novel.

Almost.

Better luck next month I guess.

On a more palatable topic – check out some of the inspired creations that came out of our kitchen over the past month…

Akemi’s doggy carrot cake and puguccino (peanut butter and sweet potato-based ice cream)

Yak rib-eyes. Before.

And after being cooked sous-vide and seared. Tasty but notably chewier than your regular beef rib-eye.

Braised lamb neck and riblets.

Lulu’s special dinner.

Jelly’s Japanese-style meal.

Doggy watermelon snacks (made with watermelon, gelatine, and black sesame seeds).

Tricky to eat!

And you?  What was the most interesting thing you made/ate in the last month?