Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 44

Cricket news hurl: not just metaphorical deaths

It was sad, but the end has truly come. A form of cricket died this week.

Only a few fans turned up to the ground that doesn’t feel like it’s for cricket. It’s hidden in such a remote location most cricket fans don’t want to go there. The travel weary fan who did make it, barely showed any emotion as painfully slow scoring predictable game just inched its way towards a climax no one cared about.

At the Sydney Olympic Stadium on the 14thof December, T20 Cricket died. It will be missed. That’s what happens when a largely pointless game is played in front of no crowd, isn’t it.

But no, despite the many many many obituaries to T20 cricket this week, Jesse Ryder saved it with his 75 off 26. But, even with that, and a 162 in a first class game, Jesse couldn’t save New Zealand cricket.

McCullum, the captain of all three formats until he is accidentally fired, wants Jesse, but who doesn’t?

The NZC have apologised to former captain,”The board has reviewed all aspects of the captaincy issue and wishes to publicly place on record its apologies to Ross Taylor and his family for the manner in which events have unfolded.

“No heads are going to roll,” Chris Moller, NZC chairman said. “There were no hanging offences in all of this. Yeah, the ball’s been dropped, absolutely. Could we have done things better? Absolutely. Are we going to learn from those mistakes? Well we hope so. Is there any reason for anybody to have their heads taken off? No, and that is a decision the board has made.” Makes you wonder what mistakes would get you fired by NZC, other than an accident. A country can lose their best player for a Test series because of incredible ineptitude and no one can lose their head.

But thanks to Martin Crowe, one New Zealand cricket blazer was burnt.@MartinCrowe299 “Burnt NZ cricket blazer Dec 7, 2012. RIP.” Although it turned out later that it was a metaphorical blazer, and the real one remained in Crowe’s closet.

In other parts of the world, administrators apparently go out of their way to save their captains. That’s if former Indian selectorMohinder Amarnath, is to be trusted. He has claimed that Srinivasan did not approve the unanimous decision to sack Dhoni after their 8 is enough losses against England and Australia. Amarnath went on to say “Neither will I say yes nor will I deny it, okay.”

The new Indian selection panel has not done much better than Amarnath’s lot. On a brilliant cricket pitch made to Test batsmen and bowlers, in front of a captivated audience, India struggled to fightback against England’s latest boy wonder, Joe Root. It seems weird that there is a world where a person who looks like a 12 year old boy can bring down N Srinivasan’s personal selection.

In Hobart for the first time since Kumar Sangakkara was dreadfully sawn off in one of the best innings ever made by a human, Sri Lanka have turned up with a bowling attack that no one, even themselves, seems that keen on. Plus they have to face their nemesis, Phil Hughes.

The other big cricket game this week was the final of the Visually impaired T20 World Cup in India, which was won by India. You can imagine how hard visually impaired cricket is by watching how hard most of us make non-visually impaired cricket look. India defeated the Pakistani team, who in visually impaired cricket are thee best there is. Earlier in the week, the captain of Pakistan’s team,Zeeshan Abbasi, had drunk diluted acid. Depending on where you read about it, he’d either drank it accidentally, or had been poisoned because of the cricket. Either way, he drank acid, and that sucks.

This week in the Indian province of Uttar Pradesh, something even more disgusting happened. A 15 year old boy was allegedly killed when he dropped a catch during a match with friends. This is a real death, of a real boy. A cricketer just playing with his friends. I mean the kid was 15, he’s supposed to drop catches, fumble run outs and give away overthrows. He is not supposed to die for it. In some reports he was identified as Simran.

The thought of anyone dying because of a cricket match, whether it be a Test or game at an Oval Maidan, is, well, it’s sick and wrong, and it’s hard to work out how something like this could happen.

While cricket is often darker than the gentlemanly image it likes to project, death should not be a result of playing some cricket.

This week when a petition to cancel Pakistan’s tour to India was circulated on the internet in honour of those killed in Mumbai. The petition was aimed at Indian politicianSushil Kumar Shinde, and currently has 49 supporters in a country of a few billion. Surely cricket is something that should inspire these two countries to come closer together, not be used as a political pawn by people with dark agendas.

If the tour does go ahead, which it should, it will do so without Pakistan’s new batting coach, Inzi. However, Pakistan will travel with their psychologist, which may say more about Pakistan cricket than anything else. It is a shame that Inzi won’t be in the nets with the lads, as it would have been interesting to see how he could do throw downs while sitting in a chair.

Another lumbering cult hero did well this week. This very website, espnCRICINFO, defeated the evil American multinational internet consumer-to-cobsumer auction site. We defeated them 383,000 hits to 140,000 hits made by UK civil servants while at work. We also beat Amazon, and comeonyouspurs, which is a country and western themed site.

While our win was stunning, the best win of the week has to go to the Melbourne Stars (the team that copied the Pakistan shirts) who won a T20 match by batting for 13 balls thanks to Duckworth Lewis, the Perth Scorchers, umpires who wanted to play in the wet and a spell of bowling by Lasith Malinga of 6 wickets for 7 runs. A special mention should go to Hinton Charterhouse who collected their first win in four attempts in Division 1 of the Bath Indoor League. They defeated fellow strugglers Bath Hospitals by 56 runs.

Although the biggest winner was Shakib Al Hasan who married his Minnestoan girlfriendUmme Ahmed Shishir in Dhaka this week. There is no truth in the rumour that Tamim Iqbal tried to marry her earlier, but flamed out after a good start.

Tamim’s favourite ground Lord’s, became ever more posh this week when the MCC was given Royal Charter by the Queen herseld. This does not mean Allen Stanford once landed on royalty, but it does mean that the MCC members cannot be sued as individuals. It will make those potential Middlesex Derbyshire T20 clashes at Lord’s that much more special.

Almost as important as a Royal sanction, the West Indies now have cricket’s favourite word, Premier, in their domestic structure. The Caribbean Premier League will have six teams, dancing girls and average domestic cricketers playing ordinary shots of part time spinners.

This week Rob Quiney won a match for the Melbourne Stars by leaving a ball. Saving T20 cricket, one leave at a time.

blockquote>;If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. The next time someone drops a catch in a game you’re playing, give them a hug.

Gideon Haigh gets misty about Ricky, I talk aliens and Cook and daddy stuff

It’s one of those podcasts where Gideon and I talk compete shit for a while over skype, record it, and then put it online.

We talk about Ricky Ponting, pitches and the Sri Lankan talent cliff.

For free, I also give you another podcast where we talk about India England and a bit of random New Zealand anger.

Two for the price of none.

And for an extra bonus I have started a cricket with balls style blog about being a daddy. A beardless dad.

Yes, this post is a bit linky.

But you get that.

And if you’re here later, there will be a whole transcript of Gideon and I talking shit.

Maybe.

Cricket news hurl: Magic Mike Hesson’s accidental coup

I apologise for missing last week’s cricket news hurl, but unfortunately due to a communication error from Mike Hesson, I believed I was fired from espnCRICINFO. Apparently I was wrong, but I took off a week anyway.

New Zealand Cricket also took a leave of absence, from reality and common sense. At the moment it has culminated with the New Zealand Herald asking the NZC board to resign and Ross Taylor standing down as captain and not playing on their tour to South Africa. This is their biggest crisis of confidence since New Zealand were bowled out for 96 (that’s both innings kiddies) in 1945/46.

And they still don’t have Jesse Ryder in their team.

If you don’t know who Mike Hesson (a Frank Grimes lookalike) is, he’s the current kiwi coach (although Kiwi coaches don’t stay current for long, do they). It seems that Hesson and Prince Brendon McCullum staged a bloody coup to relieve Ross Taylor from the limited overs captaincy. It was supposed to be bloodless and easy. It ended up live tweeted by fans on both sides of the argument.

Houses will be divided between Ross and Brendon. All the houses for Ross Taylor will move everything to the legside, all the houses for Prince Brendon will be unconventional and ultimately short lived.

Taylor practically put the country, at least the two major islands, on his back and carried them to a very decent one all draw with Sri Lanka. He did this with the bowlers and the underperforming McCullum not on his side. On their last trip to Sri Lanka the team that played in two super overs against the T20 finalists, but embarrassingly slipped behind Bangladesh in the ODI rankings.

So Mike Hesson had a meeting with Ross Taylor. “The meeting was a review of the one-day series but I didn’t mention – and I’ve spoken to both Bob and Mike since – whether that was one form, two forms or three forms. I eluded to the fact I would be making a recommendation to make a change to the leadership.” Whoops. That sounds like New Zealand lost their Test captain because their coach hinted he was already fired and he got really upset and quit.

In the world of cricket mistakes, it’s far worse than the spell of Imran Tahir.

In a prepared statement Ross Taylor should have said, “I’m captain of the blackcaps, and I don’t want to be. Please stop watching us, and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just cricket. Do some research on the effects of poor cricket and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to cricket.”

McCullum is now New Zealand’s captain in all three formats, considering the way he has been batting, Ian Chappell may call him a non playing captain.

The New Zealand Herald were already shaking their firsts violently at NZC even fore this incident at the rubbish state of New Zealand cricket. They have a SHAME series that you can follow here (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/special-rep...) that details just how bad cricket is in New Zealand right now. One fact from one of the many articles tells us that for kiwi boys, cricket is the 16th most popular sport, behind fishing (not a sport), and it doesn’t make the top 20 for girls.

This bad news about New Zealand cricket is in stark contrast with England who are currently on the march to at the very worst a drawn series against India. And while we could go on about how bad India has been bowling, which Indian former player has said what about Sachin, or talk more about the run making sweatless alien freak Alastair Cook, instead let us quote from Yourthurrock.com:

“Thurrock Cricket Club’s U12 “A” team, as expected, clinched the South Essex District Cricket Board’s indoor title at Grays School on Friday. But it was a close run thing as their opponents in the final round of matches, Belhus “B”, threatened to become party poopers with a display that tested the Blackshots-based team to its limit. Belhus “B” required ten runs from the final over, but Thurrock’s Joseph Surrey kept his nerve by taking two wickets with his first two balls of the deciding over.”

Like the Thurrock Cricket Club’s U12 “A” win, South Africa finally woke up against Australia, as expected. The series in which Australia did really really well, and then lost its pants drastically has now been rewritten to show how great South Africa are. While South Africa showed immense fight not to lose in ADL, and to win at PER, their series win seemed to be to essentially not fall over as Australia swung wildly at them for a few weeks. They did that well, but if South Africa really are the one and only Test team, then need to do better than 1-0 against an Australian team like this.

Bangladesh are regaining some dignity by holding firm at 2-2 with the West Indies in their ODI series that no one is watching. But they are ranked ahead of the kiwis, and their captain hasn’t gone on leave in a strop, so they’re doing ok.

The best performance of the week had to go to the Mountaineers, a Zimbabwe “first class” side who managed to be bowled out for 26. 26 is also less than the 33 players Safraz Nawaz told Pak Passion should play against India. Although, not at once.

“I don’t think it’s fair to call the BCCI a bully” said a smiling N Srinivasan as one of his henchmen strangled the octogenarian Prabir Mukherjee for daring to talk to the press out of turn and produce the right kind of pitch when asked. Ofcourse the only pitch the Indian bowlers would currently do well on would be an imaginary one. One of the great things about the BCCI is that despite the fact that people see them as a giant monster squashing people, they are really thousands of people who don’t like each other who will take any opportunity to make the others look stupid. Mukherjee, who is the Betty White of cricket, has not donated any money to the 50 foot high gold Srinivasan project.

Neither have the bastards who have chopped down a sacred tree at the Bolton cricket club. As reported in the theboltonnews.co.uk , the Darcy Lever Cricket Club had it’s Abies Koreana stolen, which was “planted on sacred ground where the ashes of Alan Lever, one of our original members, were scattered.” A Manchester Police spokesman said: “A saw has been used to cut the tree down.”

Manchester’s own (well, he’s from somewhere up north) Freddie Flintoff is stepping back from his boxing “career” after being partially inspired by Hilary Clinton telling him, “you must not use violence.” Freddie has achieved all he can achieve by beating some fat guy with the same name of a rubbish off spinner. But he’s still angry that we, mostly you, didn’t take his boxing seriously. “I am not sure some of the criticism has been for the correct reasons, there seems to have been a bit of headline stealing and a chance for people to get their name in the papers.” Freddie, whose name was in the paper often over this sham boxing fight, will now retire to become a school teacher in Cornwall. Or another TV show.

When the film ‘Out of the Ashes’ came out, we all fell in lust with Afghanistan coach Taj Malik, we all started thinking, wow, this is pretty cool. Then in the last T20 when they made India shake a little with their Zadrans. Now Afghanistan is adding cricket to their curriculum because they’re really pretty good at it, and they also don’t believe fishing is a sport. One day they will win all the cricket with a team of Hameed Hassans.

They’re not the only small cricket countries doing well this week. Cricket Ireland has been given $1.5 mil for gross competence. The ICC were apparently so confused at a cricket board not being run by complete idiots, they just handed the money over.

Cricket Kenya did something very uncrickety this week. They made a woman their boss. Jackie Janmohammed is the first female head of a cricket board. 15 years ago she would not have been allowed to be a member of Lord’s. Now she can fire Mike Hesson if he ever comes back to his old role as coach of Kenya. Now that Cricket Australia has a female board member as well, perhaps we’ll see women as umpires next. I think it’s only men like Aleem Dar who get abused for that job.

Shane Warne spent some of his recent time not abusing Aleem Dar, and hinting that he could make a come back.

Now, if you are reading this, and you honestly thought in any way shape or form Warne would make a Test comeback, you should beat yourself around the throat with your toaster. I have told Sambit Bal that every year on November the 1st we should just write our own Shane Warne is thinking of coming back piece. Just for the hits.

In a similar vein Ricky Ponting retired from Test cricket last week and then walked on a golf course, which suggested to some that he was inches away from sledging Tiger Woods as they walked down the 17th at Augusta. Ponting’s retirement, which inspired millions of Indians to publish his batting average in India (26.48) and many Australians to forget about how they abused his captaincy, was a sad blow to all fans, but a good thing for substitute fielders and changeroom TVs. Ricky Ponting is not about to become a professional golfer, he is however, thinking of a comeback to Test Cricket, you know, if Michael Clarke or Cricket Australia wants him.

Cricket Australia is busy with the important news that their stumps now light up when broken. This device, which is being used for the tournament they now schedule so players outside the Test team can’t get in (that’s right, isn’t it Usman? http://www.espncricinfo.com/australia...). Cricket Australia obviously think that T20 fans are too drunk, or just too stupid to notice someone getting bowled. In the same country, one man was arrested after he used a non light stump to bash a man around the head.

Further down in the sweet South, the second best thing about Colac (the first is the McDonalds you can stop at as you drive through the town at top speed) Aaron Finch, lit up the Big Bash without the need for corny stumps with a 111 off 65 ball smashup. In the same game, Rob Quiney made a wonderful five. But either way, Melbourne was the real winner.

On a personal note, my son Zachariah was born last week, and he has already started his aim of becoming only the second first class cricketer with that name. He is qualified to play for Australia, England or Sri Lanka, but, as expected, may end up with the Thurrock Cricket Club’s U12 “A” team. My son also has not interest in Shiv Chanderpaul becoming the number one ranked Test batsman.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you’re Ricky Ponting’s agent, I’ll ghost write his autobiography, but only if I can do it as an actual ghost story.

Honest John: and how Rob Quiney was used as a human shield

After the Andrew Hilditch years, there is something nice and warm about John Inverarity’s honesty. Even when you don’t agree with his take on things.

It’s hard to agree when he says that Phil Hughes was hidden from the mighty South African attack, and yet is still strong enough to bat at No. 3 for Australia. That seems like a contradictory message, and one that will be sorely tested if Hughes (caught Guptil, bowled Martin) does make runs against Sri Lanka and ends up on tours of India and England.

If Hughes needs Quiney to be his human shield against a class opposition, then will three Tests against a poorer attack that he has dominated before really change anything?

It’s as important to be mentally tough and believe in yourself to bat at No. 3 as it is to be really good at batting. And if you have to hide Hughes, then perhaps the position is not for him. Hughes is not even a No. 3; he’d be a makeshift No. 3 replacing another makeshift No. 3.

Perhaps Hughes is being used as a Sri Lankan specialist, or even as a human shield for an even tinier technically flawed run making batsmen. It could be Australia’s own Russian doll style number three system.

It’s also possible, and slightly less likely, that Michael Clarke could move himself up the order. Michael Hussey, as a former opening batsman might be the better option. What better way for Hussey, in his last years as an Australia player, to serve his country than as a human shield by taking over the most difficult role and allow some of these more fragile souls to develop their skills batting at five or six, before moving up to three when they are ready?

No. 3 is not a place to build your confidence, it’s a place you make work with confidence.

With Quiney not taking his chance and already seemingly out of favour, and Alex Doolan talking up everyone other than himself, it seems that Australia are back to Hughes and Usman Khawaja for now. But even the Australian selectors don’t believe Hughes is ready for real challenges, and Khawaja is still not in the side.

It was only a few months ago when Inverarity used all his headmaster skills to sit the two errant boys in the corner and not play them for Australia A. It was a brilliant move, as neither deserved to be picked for Australia A at the time. Both had played horrendous summers for men of their talent, and deserved to be punished for it. So Inverarity, with his honesty, made them earn their places rather than take the easy rides they had received earlier in their careers.

And looks what has come of it, form and hunger.

Selectors aren’t perfect, even Inverarity the saintly grandfather of Australian cricket is going to make mistakes. This past week he probably made some with his entirely new bowling attack. But getting Hughes and Khawaja back in form was a massive effort from him.

Khawaja has just given away a start against an underwhelming Sri Lanka. While he’d probably like to rectify that in the second innings, he won’t be able to as the Big Bash League comes first when it comes to Cricket Australia’s priorities at the moment, and Khawaja forcing his way back into the Test side is apparently not as important as him representing whichever Sydney franchise he plays for.

As if being a selector who uses honesty isn’t hard enough, Inverarvity has to do his job around a vacuous vacuum of a tournament that is trying to use his future charges for publicity purposes. It’s still not as hard as actually batting at No. 3 though.

As Quiney, Marsh and Watson will tell you.

Luckily for Quiney, Inverarity thinks he’s a wonderful person. Personally I’d rather be a whiny asshole who plays more than two tests and isn’t used to stop bullets from hitting Phil Hughes.

Generation Ricky

My own emotional development as an adult seems to run parallel with Ricky Ponting’s career. As he was the cricketer who took me from my teens into my 30s. When he started playing in the sickly green of Tasmania, I was just a gorky teenager, when he walked off the WACA for the last time, I was holding my newborn son in my arms.

He was, for better or worse, the player of my generation. The player who was always there as a young kid or an old bloke. The one who’s game I knew as well as the Marge versus the Monorail episode of the simpsons or the Epping Train line I grew up on. I obsessed over Ponting’s batting like you do when you’re a teenager. I told my friends he would became a great number three for Australia. I tried to bat like him. I supported him when he played against Australia for Australia A. He was Tricky Ricky to me and my friends, and we all waited impatiently for him to become a great.

Most Australians guys of my age wanted to be Steve Waugh. Yet most of them were more like Ponting. Quick to anger, slow to mature, unforgiving, prickly, uncomplicated, aggressive and honest.

So honest that his face would tell you everything you wanted to know. A Ponting press conference was often redundant, a series of close ups throughout the day had given you everything you needed to know. Ponting gave great face from the time he was a cocky young kid who was one of the last to give up the helmet, until he walked out onto the WACA trying to pretend it was business as usual to bat one more time.

As a batsman, and fielder, Ricky was something I just instantly fell for.

His batting was also easy to read. His shots were crisp and final. The ball was delivered, the ball was hit. The only time his batting looked fussy was when he spent time playing with the pitch. The delicate way he could pick off some loose bit of grass that only he could see. That double hand slaps he would give at anything that had floated onto his surface. Or the double tap at the pitch he would do with his right hand. His fielding was just as final as his batting, everything he did was final and clean, and often brilliant. In the field he also had the spit in the hands followed by a deep rub together, like his saliva was somehow more adhesive than everyone elses. And considering his fielding, maybe it is.

That’s what you notice when you see a guy as a young man, and you follow him until he becomes an old man. You don’t get what with a player you first saw when you were 8, or 28. It’s different then.

I was old enough to get cricket when Ricky came around, and once he came around, I knew this was a player for me. Forget that his drives looked like gut punches and his pull shots were balletic artistry. It was what his batting stood for. Ponting didn’t bat for records, milestones or adulation, he batted to win.

The great batsmen are often selfish creatures who would run out their children if it meant they get to continue doing what they do best. That wasn’t Ricky, when people talk about him being an all time great, and comparing him to Lara, Tendulkar or Kallis, if it’s done purely on stats he can’t compete. Lara batted for the adulation of the masses, Kallis because it’s what he does and Sachin Tendulkar just bats because he loves batting. Their batting selfishness is what makes them great players.

Ponting bats like a team player. His style was closer to self-immolation than selfishness. If Ponting had to play a big shot to get things going, then he played it. It was simple, and very Ponting like. The team comes first, second and third, so that the team only comes first.

Kallis moved down the order to number four, and Tendulkar never moved to three, they did it because it would produce more runs for them. Four is an easier position to bat. Lara stayed at number three because that is the ego seat. Ponting stayed at three, for as long as his skills allowed it, because at three he had the most say in the game. That is why he batted.

Every time Ponting entered the field he had had to control the game. He made to move it forward, he had to make sure his team were in a better position than they were before, he had to win.

All professional athletes like to win. Most love to win. But for players like Ponting, it was almost a sickness. At it’s best it drove him to be one of the best batsmen of a generation, and one of his greatest cricketers. A hard nosed professional with the skills of a champion and the fight of a battler. At it’s worst he made him a sulky brat who couldn’t understand why he ever had to go through losing.

Winning and losing also define him far more than the other greats. No one ever blames Kallis for South Africa’s underachievements. Ponting won more Tests than any other human being, but by the end it was the losses that defined him.

In batting he channeled all that rage to become a great. In captaincy the rage ate him up and he became a bore.

As a captain I never liked Ponting.

Captains are like politicians, you either intrinsically feel like they’re right for you, or you don’t. And I spent years moaning or mocking Ponting as captain. I moaned as 13th men annoying him in the Ashes, misuse of bowlers, the team Australia bubble, his part in the Monkeygate Test, and when he almost had a mental breakdown in the middle of the MCG during his last Test as captain when he thought he could see the hotspot mark from 120 metres better than an umpire staring at a screen inches from his face. I’ve called him the hairy-armed troll, been so angry at him I could have broken a changeroom TV and hurled abuse at him from beyond boundaries in 3 continents.

Our one sided relationship was never at its best when he was captain, only when he was batting.

Yet in the wider world the angrier and grumpier Ponting got, the more iconic he became. A hero and leader under pressure to those at home, a villain and bully to those away. A very Australian cricketer.

Ponting could have played on, even with his bad form, the selectors may have given him a Test against Sri Lanka to prove himself just because of who he is. And against a failing one-man attack like Sri Lanka, he might have made enough runs to make it to India, his batting Hades. But he seemed to know that he just wasn’t good enough to help Australia win matches anymore. And that would have been worse to him than knowing his skills were on the wane.

Ponting announced his retirement the day my son was born. While my wife was in agony, I was thinking about how I would explain an entire lifetime of living with Ricky to him.

I’d definitely tell him about his scratchy 88 batting at number three against Courtney and Curtly, every detail of being at the Wanderers for the 03 final, the last over of a List A game I saw him get smashed for 21 runs, that he everyone said he was a good footy player, that he once was the face of Milk in Tasmania, watching him make a half century in his first Test knock at the G, the 257 he produced there years later and the many fuck you hundreds he made when he was at his most angry at the world. But mostly I’ll tell him that despite how I loved Ricky as a batsman, and hated him as a captain, that he was the player I grew up with.

Not my favourite, but the player that was always there. And when my son gets bored of me going on about this old cricketer he’s never seen, I’ll just play him a collection of his pullshots that I’ve found on the internet.

Every generation has their own players, and while I may prefer Trumper, O’Reilly or Harvey, Ponting is mine. To me his batting says more about Australia than the flag, national anthem, Australia day or even the baggy green.

Ponting is the Australia I grew up in. But it’s now just a memory that an old man will tell a young boy.

Cricket Sadist Hour podcast with Gideon Haigh: Faf wears an apron

In this one we discuss how much Faf and AB look alike when batting.

Ricky Ponting’s preparation.

Imran Tahir’s heavy hand.

The great Rory.

Kallis’ non communication.

And Peter Siddle’s resemblance to a lobster.

Listen here.

LEAVE MITCHELL JOHNSON ALONE!!!!!

Yes, Mitchell Johnson is back, and that makes you fear like nothing since the last time you looked directly at an image of Peter Borren.

Some fear he will play, and fail, and lose Australia a series.

Others fear he will play, and fail, and their team won’t ever get to play against him again.

I fear he won’t fail and he’ll never ever go away.

Mitchell and I have this sort of long lasting cycle of violence between each other that he doesn’t know about and I can’t escape. But, if he’s not around, then I can continue with my life in a sort of semi normal kind of way. Because Mitchell is the ultimate bad ex-girlfriend. And this latest comeback is the ultimate accidental late night sext to a new boyfriend ever.

But some people love him, and while I haven’t been able to find many, here is by far the best one.

Yeah, leave him alone, perhaps in a cave, with an immovable boulder in front of it.

If you want to correspond with the sexy bastard in the video, he can be found here.

Cricket news hurl: Abul Hasan in ‘The Perfect Ten’

THIS IS A CONFIDENTIAL REPORT ‐ FOR SLC EXECUTIVE COMMITEE ONLY.

Sometimes life can suck. Your car wont start, your mum has cancer, Imran Tahir loses his length, children starve to death, you can’t find the remote, the dark and disgusting ills of the world eat away at what is left of your miserable soul, and sometimes Jesse Ryder fails against Canterbury.

But then something happens that makes all the bad things just disappear. That something is Abul Hasan.

Before someone on twitter said something weird was happening in Bangladesh, I was having a normal day. It wasn’t the worst, it wasn’t the best. It was very much just a day. Then Abul Hasan came into my life and birds sang Tom Waits songs to me, traffic lights winked seductively at me and my whole world looked like a Super 8mm folk music video.

Everyone loves a tailender making runs. Everyone loves a young Bangladeshi. Everyone loves a debutant. Therefore, Abul Hasan had everyone onside once he made 30odd. But he kept going and going. Quick, cheeky and fun. A surprising oddity. Someone to get behind, even if you had no idea what he looked like. A live action ball by ball fairytale.

And then this 20 year old number ten batsman in his first Test did something that few of us will ever do, he made millions of people smile.

Because, if you find someone who doesn’t know about his hundred, go up and tell them about what happened. Their first reaction will be one of shock, but then they will smile, then they will say Abul Hasan is amazeballs, and then they will be happier than they were before they heard that story.

On one day, Abul Hasan made the world a slightly better place. Abul Hasan is the perfect ten.

Abul wasn’t the only feel good story in world cricket, New Zealand lost by ten wickets against Sri Lanka, finally putting those arrogant Kiwis in their place. In case you are counting, that is five straight Test losses for the Kiwis. New Zealand decided to forfeit their second innings after Toothy Southee had bowled very well with Jeetan Patel in restricting Sri Lanka and making a game of it. Rangana Herath took 11 New Zealand wickets through his general chubby faced awesomness.

That was exactly 11 more wickets than Rory Kleinveldt took against the aussies at the Gabba. But you can’t keep a lucky man down, and after Vernon Philander’s back had ceased to work, Rory played one more Test than it looked like he would this time last week. Michael Clarke also played in this Test. I seriously thought espnCRICINFO had made an error on their scorecard at the end of day one. Imran Tahir took the South African team plan very seriously and tried to bounce Clarke out at times, but at others tried beam balls, neither worked. Or, Tahir having to not run on the pitch might have completely ruined his rhythm.

While we only care about Sehwag, other people spent a great deal of time talking about the Alastair Cook and Che Pujara epic innings in the first Test, and Pujara again in the second Test. Che because he is young and special. Alastair because he doesn’t sweat and that’s freaky.

There are currently a lot of big scores in Test Cricket, if you run outside and open your mouth, you’re a good chance of catching a hundred in your mouth, and possibly a double. All in all, we have a pretty special damn week leading us up to the World Test Cricket Day (25th November). If World Test Cricket Day had a mascot, it would be Abul Hasan.

Also bringing pure sunshine to this World Test Cricket Day (25th Novemember) was Tillakaratne Dilshan who decided to pay for the blind Sri Lankan cricket team’s shirts. He has not yet offered to buy them any bling to wear.

If Hasan and Dilshan are everything that is good and pure in the world, than Dan Christian is the devil. Maybe not the devil, but he is as close to a rock’n’roll cricketer as we have right now. Christian is currently in the middle of a furious rampage of attacking Australian changerooms. Adelaide Oval, Bellerive Oval and the WACA have been on the end of Christians big hitting power. This destruction of changerooms had to be stopped this week as he was off to the MCG. And he simply CANNOT be allowed to hurt the MCG. South Australia have suspended Christian and fined him, luckily due to the IPL charity he has some spare cash. While Christian was a menace that had to be stopped, there was no truth to the rumour that he hit Chris Lynn in the “eggs”, causing the young Queensland batsman into hospital to be seen for the sort of injury people laugh at on slow motion replay.

The ICC sound like they have been kicked in the “eggs” and have decided to reflect on whether they really want to take politics out of cricket. Taking politics out of cricket (which is a bit like taking betting, wood or leather out of cricket) is pretty much impossible. (This sentence was not approved by the minister of Sport). While this was being discussed, In Pakistan politics literally made an impact on cricket as the news.com.pk reports:

“Geo News camera on Tuesday caught a helicopter, with chief minister’s adviser Sardar Zulfiqar Khosa on board, landing in the stadium during Under-19 T-20 match between Sialkot and Karachi.

The young cricketers were startled, seeing a chopper hovering and several vehicles entering the stadium. The game was stopped for some time during the chaos, the machine created in the ground.

The players lamented that it had become daily routine for the government functionaries to use the stadium as the helipad. They said that the landing of helicopters would destroy the ground.”

Two other non-political organisations, the IOC and the BCCI had a little dance this week when the IOC decided to lecture the BCCI about freedom of the press. Kevan Gosper, who used the free press to take a swing at pro-Tibet protesters in Bejing for being hate filled, believes that the BCCI shoudn’t be restricting photographers access for the current England v India series. The BCCI could probably care less what the IOC say, and probably think Kevan should be spelt with an “I”.

Also the BCCI are busy trying to doctor their own pitches. Steve Waugh is disgusted at this behavior, and thinks that Dhoni and the BCCI shouldn’t pressure anyone to give them a friendly pitch. But really, why not? Doctored pitches are great and pitches have been doctored since the beginning of time. I used to rough up just outside legstump so I could pretend that I could spin the ball. And it’s not like other countries are letting the BCCI doctor their pitches (yet).

Perhaps this will help England anyway. As knowing that the pitch is going to be doctored will mean they won’t make another massive error like not selecting Monty Panesar. Not that I’m saying it was an error (it was), but Andy Flower said it was an error.

Andy Flower is tired, which is perhaps why the selection error happened. England are now thinking of resting Flower from certain limited overs series. That is slightly different from Gary Kirsten flying about 20 hours to get home for a couple of days in the middle of a series, only to return and see his team fall apart in almost every way imaginable.

Makhaya Ntini thinks Gary Kirsten and the South African selectors made an error in not picking Thami Tsolekile. He believes that error was racial and that Tsolekile “would have been playing if he was white”. Ofcourse he also would have been playing if he didn’t average 29 with the bat in first class cricket. He also might have be playing if he was 22 instead of 32. And he definitely would have been playing if you selected players based on how hard it was for foreign commentators to get their names right. It’s hard to see how being a black player has hurt Tsolekile, Morne van Wyk is one year older than him, averages seven more first class runs an innings and made three hundreds to Thami’s zero in the last two domestic first class seasons.

That said, both men, and all domestic keepers in South Africa, are being discriminated against by South Africa’s blatant anti proper wicket keeper bias. You want to talk quotas and the disenfranchised, what about all these proper wicketkeepers who don’t get a gig because some selector has taped keeping gloves to the first batsman who could squat correctly. How about a quota of one real wicket keeper per Test side.

Another quota I favour is the one Pakistani legspinner Test side that I floated in an earlier hurl. Australia are doing their bit, last week they gave Fawad Ahmed permanent residency, and this week the Melbourne Renegades signed him up as a local player. Contact your local legal bookie for the odds of a surprise selection for boxing day.

Ed Hawkins’ book “Bookie Gambler Fixer Spy” made the news again with excerpts of Lalit Modi claiming he had three attempts on his life because he refused to fix the IPL. Chris Cairns was unavailable for comment (actually, maybe he was, I never tried, I’m pretty lazy). Most people who read that claim are going to be shocked, as three does seem low.

Another administrator, Haroon Lorgat (very much Felix to Lalit’s Oscar) was busy this week with the public announcement of his CONFIDENTIAL REPORT ‐ FOR SLC EXECUTIVE COMMITEE ONLY (link here http://www.srilankacricket.lk/wp-cont...). According to Lorgat, Sri Lankan Cricket has a couple of areas it could improve:

Poor reputation and image

An outdated SLC Constitution and governance model

Weak financial position

Lack of professional administration

A non-existent organisational culture

Poor media relations and no media protocols

Inadequate high performance facilities

Lorgat did forget to mention that there is no plumbing at Galle, and if you walk past the stand about 35 minutes after the close of play, you’ll smell something that will stay with your forever. Lorgat’s report also noted that “Several attempts to reach Mr Arjuna Rantunga proved unsuccessful”. Arjuna has appeared on not one but two episodes of The Two Chucks, proving once and for all that Sam Collins and I are more important than Haroon Lorgat.

More important than the two chucks was Victoria’s eating of NSWales. The Aaron Finch and a David Hussey stripped NSWales naked and laughed at them as they made matching hundreds and chased 351with a grin on their dial and a twinkle in their eyes. Yet even their brutal splendor couldn’t make up for the loss world Cricket felt when Andrew McDonald was ruled out for the season with a hamstring injury.

Let us finish with a minute’s silence in honour of Andrew McDonald’s hamstring.

Now go forth and spread the World Test Cricket Day cheer this November 25th. It’s the whitest day of the year.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you want Dilshan to buy you clothes, ask him to buy you a dinner coat while he is eating lunch or on the phone.

Michael Clarke: Pup, claymation and immortal

Michael Clarke was never supposed to be mortal. Clarke was one of two once in a generation players. Big things were expected of him. He wasn’t supposed to be human; he was supposed to be a legend. When he couldn’t produce it, his home crowd booed him.

Clarke was supposed to be the next Ponting and a future baggy green legend. A man who was supposed to continue Australia’s dominance. He was to be a working class boy with a bit of fight and flair that would punish attacks and win matches for his country. Instead, by the 10/11 Ashes the Aussie fans saw an unlikable player who was choked by his teammate, dated Australia’s Kardashian, apologised on Twitter, wasn’t the right kind of Australian, looked upset playing the short ball, dined in trendy cafes, and worst of all, had an average average.

Some of it was unfair, some cruel, and some plain wrong, but Clarke had left his fate with one of the most fickle sporting publics on earth by simply not making the sort of runs that someone with his talent should make. Clarke was never supposed to be a normal player; he was supposed to be a legend. And when instead your massive talent only has you averaging in the mid 40s as Vice Captain of a losing side, not many people rush to your side.

A mile from where he started, an inch from the Test captaincy, no one knew how he would do, and few wanted to learn. But the story of Michael Clarke is not just about an unwanted man. Clarke has been many things in his career. When he started, he was just a pup.

PUP

Unlike Ponting, Clarke had not dominated Shield Cricket. His talent was obvious if you saw him, but no one watches Shield Cricket. No one. So to some it seemed like Clarke had been promoted under the NSWales promotion system, rather than because he was ready for Test Cricket. All those murmurings from Victoria and Queensland disappeared pretty quickly as this fresh faced kid lit up Bangalore for a hundred. Even with fuzzy images on pay TV, Clarke was an instant superstar. He had Mark Waugh’s grace, Neil Harvey’s footwork, Michael Slater’s enthusiasm and Shane Warne’s style.

His first Test in Australia he made another hundred, and then added 91 in his first Test at Lord’s.

Clarke wasn’t the finished article. His energy was amazing, but would sometimes excite him to play a stupid shot. Ian Chappell would point out during almost every innings that Clarke would play the ball in the air at catchable heights. Clarke was an unpolished stone that could change a game in either direction for Australia. It was the raw batting you can only do when you are young and unscarred. Clarke might have come from humble beginnings, but when you saw him using his feet he looked like he had been pre-ordained to play for Australia. And he knew it.

Ex-players lined up to reinforce just how once in a generation he was. The press was fascinated by him. He was essentially a puppy version of Warne. There were stories about how he liked to do his hair before getting off planes, and how much he liked sports cars. But it didn’t matter, as he was the new golden boy, the player who would continue Australia’s dominance and the winner of the Allan Border medal.

Nothing could possiblye go wrong.

DROPPED

Don Bradman, Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne were all dropped at one point in their career. Someone along the line must have mentioned to Michael Clarke that he was on his way to going through his whole career without being dropped. It seemed to become his obsession. The exciting, attacking and reckless player was replaced by someone who terrified of being dropped.

The worse he batted, the more never being dropped seemed to become an obsession. The 91 at Lord’s was thrilling, but from there on Clarke seemed lost in a sea of starts. Every failure reminded him of his lofty goal, and the carefree attacker was re-placed by a mere mortal who was worried about losing his spot.

This happens to players all the time. The most attacking players in domestic cricket can often become prettified shells at the top level. That isn’t supposed to happen to a Hollywood superstar and keeper of the flame like Michael Clarke. With his talent and confidence he was supposed to be the gift that kept on giving to Australia.

What was amazing was how quickly he had gone from the missing link to the omitted. The ink was still drying on the articles about how Clarke would become one of the all time greats when he was already on the outer. Australia had credibility to regain after the 05 Ashes, and anyone not performing had to be moved aside.

Clarke just couldn’t perform, and with no confidence, and his own words floating around the press, he was rightfully dropped from the team.

FRONTRUNNER

Perhaps all Clarke needed was to be dropped and get his head right. People who have never failed often fear it the most. Once he had failed, the pressure was off, now he just had to get back into the side. Thanks to a Shane Watson injury, and there are many cricketers who can thank one of those, Clarke was brought back for the Ashes massacre of 06/07. It was a good time to be a middle order batsman. Clarke would come in when bowlers had been crushed, and bring up an effortless hundred.

However, when the top order did collapse, so did Clarke. All of his hundreds came in massive totals and they came when Australia were 3/216, 3/206, 3/241, 3/199 and 3/284. It was good batting, and he had his confidence back, but it wasn’t overly important to his team.

Clarke was a changed batsman as well. Batting was always easy to him. Not always runs. His boundaries looked easy, but so did his dismissals. In losing some of this natural aggression, he’d become prone to wafting at full balls, in a way that slips fielders drool about. But mostly he’d improved. The slashes through the offside had been limited. When driving he either kept the ball on the ground, or went well over the fielder’s heads. He’d done exactly what he needed to do in his fairly short hiatus, he’d evolved as a batsman.

The 06/07 Ashes cemented him in the team. Being dropped was not an issue anymore. His next move would be promotion, not demotion.

VICE

With his place secure, and his future looking bright, it was probably the point in his career when you expect Clarke to take off. To go from good batsman to legend. At times it looked possible. The Ashes 09 had two brilliant, yet fruitless innings, and in general, Clarke made runs. Even occasionally when Australia needed them. But he never quite looked right.

Clarke had lost all the public support. People no longer liked Pup as the cocky young kid, because he wasn’t one. Off the field he was portrayed as an unlikeable social chancer. He also became a scapegoat for an underperforming team. Plus he seemed to generally suffer for not being enough like Douggie Bollinger.

Clarke also added a new habit of going out just before major breaks in play, often when he was well set. Like never wanting to be dropped, this became something that seemed to eat at Clarke and restrict his normal instincts. Clarke sacrificed many good starts because of this batting tick. It cost Australia so many times, and seemed to affect overs as they could see how much pressure Clarke was under.

He was good enough to still make runs with this problem, but he didn’t make the impact he needed to as Ponting, North and Hussey all found form slumps. Too often he underperformed or frustrated.

Then his body seemed to give up. A bad back became a very bad back, and Clarke started to bat like a Claymation Mike Atherton. Against short bowling he was little more than a target.

The off field acts, strange apologies, bad body and poor timing meant that the Australian public now actively despised Clarke. No player had been mocked more since Kim Hughes was around. Opinion polls for Australian captaincy had Cameron White as a clear favourite ahead of Clarke, despite White not being in the Test side, and not looking good enough when he was.

By the time he walked out onto the SCG for the 10/11 Ashes, Clarke was a broken man in a battered team. The Australian crowd was not used to losing, and when Michael Clarke walked out their hatred had boiled and the local hero was booed. It wasn’t the whole crowd, and there was some applause as well. But when a local hero gets booed, something has gone terribly wrong.

A few months later, Michael Clarke would be captain.

LEADER

While many had given up on Clarke, those who hadn’t might have hoped that the new role would help him. Make him more accountable, give him a new focus. Help him get the best out of himself. Few thought tactically he would struggle. While he hadn’t captained much, but when he had he looked positive and aggressive. He was very much like Shane Warne, never wanting the game to stagnate, willing to take a risk, and had that energetic glow that some captains have before a life of press conferences drains the spirit out of them.

Human relationships had never been his forte. Shield players would mock him as someone who would only talk to his agent or bat sponsor. Some players considered him a shell of a human. A cricketing Richie Rich who had never lived a real life. They whispered that he was hard to relate to, and they saw him as aloof. Few ever said he was a bad person, it just seemed that he was hard to know.

As captain, he had to change. He needed to get the trust of his bowlers. Fix a failing batting order. And deal with something that no Australian captain had ever dealt with before, having the ex-captain still there.

When Australia arrived in Sri Lanka, it was two teams in transition, and the sub continent is not a place Australia generally do well in. This player who had been seen as a vacuous glamour hound was already a better tactical captain than Ponting. Yet it was how they played that was really amazing. In their last Test series they looked like a team that was chained to a radiator and beaten. Now they looked like a team that couldn’t wait to get out and play.

It was the trip to South Africa that not only showed the new Australia, but the new Clarke. At 3/40 with Steyn fully flared, Philander in a groove and Morkel fully Morned on a pitch that was helping quick bowlers, Clarke became the Clarke he was always supposed to be. In scoring 151, he scored more than half Australia’s runs while also outscoring the South Africa and Australia combined totals in the 2nd and 3rd innings. It wasn’t the innings of someone who was born under earth’s red sun.

Then he backed that up at home with a hundred on a tricky Gabba pitch that essentially beat the Kiwis. These were good scores, but they weren’t iconic. He was an in form Australian captain scoring runs when they were needed. That was good, but a he had only won one of their three series under Clarke, and a draw to the kiwis is considered a loss in Australia. It was certainly mourned like one.

Then India turned up in Sydney.

Michael Clarke had used a cleanskin bat. He was on his home ground. He made a triple century. He smashed the Indians. He gave interviews as he jogged off the ground. And he wore the baggy green while he did it.

It was exactly what people wanted from him way back when he first arrived. It was the lack of innings like this that turned the public perception as much as any off field acts. It was what the greats do. It was pure. It was Australian. It looked great on the front pages of the papers that used to abuse him. It was very nearly double his highest previous score. It was grown up.

It was iconic.

This new Australian team had their legend.

The last time South Africa was in Australia, Clarke was choked by Simon Katich in the SCG changeroom. Much has changed since then.

Michael Clarke is now popular. Michael Clarke is now Test Captain. Michael Clarke is now iconic. Michael Clarke is now untouchable.

Right now, Michael Clarke is not mortal.

cricket sadist hour podcast with Gideon Haigh: polished ear syringes

This is probably G-Dawg and I’s best podcast.

It’s certainly our most polished and assured podcast.

We talk about ex players talking.

Ntini’s race claims.

FAWAD AHMED.

Nathan Lyon’s bunny.

What kind of psycho Dale Steyn looks like.

Ear syringes.

And polished 9s.

It’s not the podcast you want, it’s the podcast you deserve.