Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 42

cricket news hurl: bailey’s burgers are better

This week Jesse Ryder made the news not just for his mega-wicked 46 from 17 balls and two wickets that single-handedly (with some help from other hands) put Wellington into the final of some tournament, but because he may be back. Back, really back, not just Wellington and IPL back.

Jesse has a meeting with Magic Mike Hesson. That’s pretty rad, isn’t it kids? Jesse’s maternal manager, Aaron Klee, was quick to douse the flames of this comeback against England. But, let’s be honest, this meeting means that Jesse is at the very least looking for something a bit more substantial to dine on than New Zealand domestic cricket where he destroys daily like a Kiwi Godzilla stomping on attacks and breathing death rays onto unsuspecting batsmen.

The problem with all this is that Jesse’s meeting is with Hesson, and well, who knows if Hesson will stay. Hesson was under attack from everyone this week, even including those who were trying to help him. John Buchanan (who must officially be the luckiest man to be employed in world cricket) tried to defend Hesson’s coaching by saying, “He’s a young coach, he’s learning.” The work experience coach is probably exactly how Hesson wants to be known at the moment.

That is why it was such a shame that Shane Bond ruined that with his secret letter to the NZC about the Taylor termination which in no time became public.

Bond’s letter said:

I can’t stand it, I know you planned it

But I’m gonna set it straight, this Watergate

I can’t stand rocking when I’m in here

‘Cause your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear

So while you sit back and wonder why

I got this f****** thorn in my side

Oh my God, it’s a mirage

I’m tellin’ y’all it’s a sabotage

Or words to that effect.

He also said: “I believe the coach has been dishonest in his assertion around the miscommunication of the captaincy split with Ross… it was clear to me that Ross Taylor was to be removed as captain from all three formats.”

And, if that wasn’t damning enough of Hesson’s supposed accidental axing, he went on: “I stated (to Hesson) that the timing was completely inappropriate and he had most likely affected the ability of the captain to perform and it seemed like sabotage”. Shane Bond is currently in South Africa with the New Zealand team. Oh to be a piece of toast with ears at breakfast the morning after this broke.

India and England are currently taking a break from their ODI series to hold an elaborate party for MS Dhoni. If this ODI series has proved anything so far, it’s that even with the two biggest cricket teams on earth locked at one-all, an ODI series can be so dull you want to learn the lyrics to Enya songs rather than take any real interest in it.

Australia and Sri Lanka have managed to make their series less dull by trying to bowl each other out for 70. Australia were bowled out for 74.

74.

Seventy-four.

They were 9 for 40. That and the fact that Australia managed to take six wickets in Sri Lanka’s uninspired chase is enough for the Australian media to call this a moral win that will help in character building.

It was all the more embarrassing as it was the proper best Australian side, not the one with random guys you can’t remember how to spell the names of, like Steve Smith. This proper side was fully of rested players thanks to all that rotation. Sorry, rotation is not the right word according to Cricket Australia, as agency writing sexpot Greg Buckle found out when he tussled with the Inverarity:

Greg Buckle: Just with the rotations and the constant fast…

John Inverarity: Presume you mean informed player management? Is that what you mean, or not?

Greg Buckle: Well, I try to keep it short for our readers.

John Inverarity: Yeah, but I mean, that’s what you mean.

After the ODI score, Cricket Australia might want to change the word collapse to “unfortunate performance deficit”.

The problem with coming up with stupid new names for things that have existed for over 10 years is that it draws even more attention to the word you are trying to stop. And that people can’t remember what you changed it to. Michael Clarke after Australia’s shocking unfortunate performance deficit: “My opinion hasn’t changed on, let’s call it once again, the rotation policy.”

The rotation policy (Clarke’s word is final in Australian cricket) was to blame for George Bailey attacking Channel 9 this week. Bailey suggested that Channel 9 might have been talking up the rotation angle as a way of paying less in the next rights deal. Former New South Wales allrounder Brad McNamara, now Channel 9’s network executive producer of cricket, hit back by saying that Bailey could be “working in a coalmine or flipping burgers at McDonald’s” if it were not for Channel 9′s money.

Whoa, Brad, I think you’ve got this wrong. Without Channel 9 money, another TV company would pay Cricket Australia a lot of money, which George Bailey would see a percentage of, seeing as he has been a consistent ODI performer of late and is Australia’s T20 captain. Plus Bailey would also make money from being a professional cricketer in the Big Bash, which is not funded by Channel 9, and by playing in Scotland, Hampshire and this little thing called the IPL.

In fact, Brad, the person who would most likely be flipping burgers or not being a TV executive if Channel 9 didn’t have the cricket would most likely be you. Having seen both players in action, there is no doubt that Bailey would be a better coal miner and burger flipper than McNamara, or even better at other jobs that McNamara doesn’t see as denigrating.

It should be pointed out that, inspired by Cricket Australia, Channel 9 also rotates its commentators. And Cricket Australia is shortly selling its TV rights, which means that Channel 9 could be rotated right out of cricket.

Shane Basile might be the latest Aussie to get a surprise ODI cap under the rotation system after he smacked 126 off 27 balls for Coomera-Hope Island Cricket Club sixth-grade side against Burleigh Heads. Sixth grade Gold Coast cricket is pretty weak; it’s like the BPL without Pakistani players.

“Big Bash Basile”, as no-one other than newspapers are calling him, said, “I also have a few other mates in Burleigh’s side, but I guess we’re not such good mates anymore.” His hundred was from 21 balls, meaning he wasted four of the balls he faced. At one stage he hit six sixes in an over, but it seems like he could have done it twice. Basile presumably got to his hundred something like this: 666.666..66666666.666. The last dot was a full stop. Stephen Best, in perhaps the last spell of bowling in his entire life, went for 60 runs from his two overs.

Of course, Sarah Taylor would have scored her hundred off 20 deliveries had she faced bowlers like Stephen Best. And maybe playing for Sussex 2nd XI she will have her chance. the Guardian plastered this all over their front page a few days back, saying how she was only inches away from playing 2nd XI county cricket. Sussex were quick to distance themselves from that claim.

I love Sarah Taylor. She is currently the best women’s cricketer in the world. That’s pretty good, no? But I have no real interest in her suddenly being the world’s 374th best cricketer overall. She’s the best in the world at what she does, and that’s ok for me.

I understand that she wants other challenges, I get that, but I am a massive women’s cricket fan, and when I hear a women’s cricket legend say she wants to move into men’s cricket, I can’t help but think that she doesn’t think being the best women’s cricketer in the world is good enough. And then I think, well why do I love women’s cricket if the best player would rather move into men’s cricket? Then I get a headache and start dreaming of Mithali Raj cover drives.

This Taylor news also massively overshadowed Beth Morgan’s retirement from the English team. I was there when Morgan and uber super batting god Claire Taylor smashed Australian in the World T20 semi-final with a partnership of 122. And I also saw when the ground screen showed Eoin Morgan’s face instead of Beth’s. Morgan also dilscooped a ball into her face in that match. It would have been a pretty embarrassing day had she not won the match for England.

Ellyse Perry, who took 1 for 32 in that match, has made the decision this week to put a semifinal for her soccer team, the Sky Blues, ahead of a T20 final for the NSW Breakers. Perry, who is way too talented for her own good, has been trying to juggle the two sports as best she can. Now that she has chosen football over cricket, it’s up to some Lalit Modi-type women’s cricket fan to make sure these women are paid enough money not to pick soccer semifinals over cricket.

Perhaps the worst cricket news story of the week was the threat, apparently set off by an mystery BCCI letter, which said the Pakistani women’s team may not be able to play in Mumbai during the Women’s World Cup. Shiv Sena, the political group that hates cricket (I’m sorry, but anyone who doesn’t want Misbah Ul Haq in their country is against cricket), was yet again the catalyst for this nonsense. That issue has now been looked after by the ICC and BCCI as the Pakistani team will play in Cuttack. The finals are still in Mumbai, but having seen the Pakistani women’s team play, I can’t see that being a big problem.

In Pakistan, cricket politics came to a head when, as a punishment for Bangladesh pulling out of their potential Pakistan tour, Pakistan pulled out each and every one of their players from the Bangladesh Premier League. The league, which is not premier, nor super, was using Shahid Afridi and Umar Gul in their promotions. The Khulna Royal Bengals (stand and applaud that name) who had seven Pakistanis on their list, and Riki Wessels, were left with only 11 players on their roster for the first game. They got smashed by Dhaka, who had Chris Liddle in their side.

The tournament that sounds almost identical to the BPL when said in acronym form, the Big Bash League, had an interesting semifinal stage when the top team and bestest team, the Melbourne Renegades, were thrown out of the tournament by the Brisbane Heat. And then the Melbourne Stars were thrown out by themselves.

The Stars had picked James Faulkner as captain so that neither Cameron White nor Shane Warne would be suspended from the final for slow overrates. And it all came down to the new skipper Faulker as he had to bowl the final ball of the match with the Scorchers needing three runs to win, or two runs to go into the golden over.

Faulker, the current skipper, stood with Warne, the real skipper, and White, the former skipper, and they discussed all the tactics and things you discuss when you have three skippers together and you are not worried about overrates and just want to win to go into the final. Eventually James Faulkner bowled Voges a near-unplayable yorker that only went for one bye. The Stars win.

Well, no, because the ball was a no ball, twice. Faulker had overstepped and even with all those captains out there, they had failed to have enough players inside the circle. From the real last ball, Mike Hussey smashed it and the Scorchers win.

Colacian Aaron Finch, who despite both Melbourne teams stuffing up, still managed to be named the best Big Bash player of the tournament. Mark Higgs was probably voted second best.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you are a coal miner or burger flipper who is insulted by McNamara’s quotes, please feel free to send week old burgers, with mayonnaise, to Channel 9.

Informed player management with Gideon Haigh

A complete history of Australia’s rotation, resting and informed player management is included in this podcast.

Also how Australia think ODIs are background noise.

There was a bit of Michael Beer’s reocrd this year.

And you know, other recent aussie stuff that Gideon and I bullshitted about.

Listen here.

Why it’s always Bryce McGain

I grew up in the People’s Democratic Republic of Victoria. I was indoctrinated early. Dean Jones was better than Viv Richards in Victoria, and had a bigger ego as well. Darren Berry kept wicket with the softest hands and hardest mouth of any keeper I have ever seen. Ian Harvey had alien cricket. Matthew Elliott could score runs with his eyes shut. The first time I saw Dirk Nannes bowl, I felt like Victoria had thawed a smiley caveman. And even though I never saw Slug Jordan play, I enjoyed his sledging for years on the radio.

So my favourite player has to be a Victorian. But my other love is cricket’s dark art, legspin. I wish I knew whether it was being a legspinner that made me love legspin, or seeing a legspinner that made me want to bowl it. Everything in cricket seemed easy to understand when I was a kid, but not legspin. And that’s where I ended up. I’m not a good legspinner, far from it, but I think that any legspinner, even the useless club ones that bowl moon balls, have something special about them.

The first legspinner I ever fell for was Abdul Qadir. I’m not sure how I saw him, or what tour it was, but even before I understood actual legspin, I could see something special about him. His action was theatrical madness and I loved it.

Then the 1992 World Cup came. I was 12, it was in Melbourne (read Australia), and this little pudgy-faced kid was embarrassing the world’s best. I was already a legspinner by then, but Mushie made it cool. This was the age where we were told spinners had no place; it was pace or nothing. Limited-overs cricket was going to take over from Tests, and spinners had no role in it. Mushie made that all look ridiculous as he did his double-arm twirl to propel his killer wrong’uns at groping moustached legends.

By worshipping Mushie I was ahead of the curve, because from then on, in Melbourne, Australia, and eventually England, Shane Warne changed the world. Mushie and Qadir had made legspinning look like it was beyond the realms of understanding, but Warne made it look like something humans could do, even if he wasn’t human himself.

It was through Warne I got to Anil Kumble. He bowled legspin in such an understated way. It was completely different to Warne. His wrist wasn’t his weapon, so he had to use everything else he had. Warne was the Batmobile, Kumble an Audi A4. Anyone could love Warne, his appeal was obvious. But to love Kumble you needed to really get legspin. The legspinner’s leggie.

When I was young, my second favourite was a guy called Craig Howard, who virtually doesn’t exist. Howard was the Victorian legspinner who Warne thought was better than him. To my 13- and 14-year-old eyes, Howard was a demon. His legspin was fast and vicious, but it was his wrong’un that was something special. Mushie and Qadir had obvious wrong’uns, subtle wrong’uns, and invisible wrong’uns. Howard had a throat-punching wrong’un. It didn’t just beat you or make you look silly; it attacked you off a length and flew up at you violently. I’ve never seen another leggie who can do that, but neither could Howard. Through bad management and injury he ended up as an office-working offspinner in Bendigo.

But good things can come from office work. It gave me my favourite cricketer of all time. A person who for much of his 20s was a struggling club cricketer no one believed in. But he believed. Even as he played 2nds cricket, moved clubs, worked in IT for a bank, something about this man made him continue. A broken marriage and shared custody of his son. His day job had him moving his way up the chain. The fact that no one wanted him for higher honours. His age. Cameron White’s legspin flirtation. And eventually the Victorian selectors, who didn’t believe that picking a man over 30 was a good policy.

Through all that, Bryce McGain continued to believe he was good enough. Through most of it, he probably wasn’t. He was a club spinner.

Bryce refused to believe that, and using the TV slow-mo and super-long-lens close-ups for teachers, he stayed sober, learnt from every spinner he could and forced himself to be better. He refused to just be mediocre, because Bryce had a dream. It’s a dream that every one one of us has had. The difference is, we don’t believe, we don’t hang in, we don’t improve, and we end up just moving on.

Bryce refused.

The world would be a better place if more people saw McGain as a hero and not a failure. He just wanted to fulfil his dream, and that he did against all odds is perhaps one of the great cricket stories of all time

At 32 he was given a brief chance before Victoria put him back in club cricket. Surely that was his last chance. But Bryce refused to believe that. And at the age of 35 he began his first full season as Victoria’s spinner. It was an amazing year for Australian spin. It was the first summer without Warne.

Almost as a joke, and because I loved his story, I started writing on my newly formed blog that McGain should be playing for Australia. He made it easy by continually getting wickets, and then even Terry Jenner paid attention. To us legspinners, Jenner is Angelo Dundee, and his word, McGain’s form and the circumstances meant that Bryce suddenly became the person most likely.

Stuart MacGill was finished, Brad Hogg wanted out, and Beau Casson was too gentle. Bryce was ready at the age of 36 to be his country’s first-choice spinner. Then something happened. It was reported in the least possibly dramatic way ever. McGain had a bad shoulder, the reports said. He may miss a warm-up game.

No, he missed more than that. He missed months. As White, Jason Krezja, Nathan Hauritz and even Marcus North played before him as Australia’s spinners. This shoulder problem wouldn’t go away. And although Bryce’s body hadn’t had the workload of the professional spinners, bowling so much at his advanced age had perhaps been too much for him. He had only one match to prove he was fit enough for a tour to South Africa. He took a messy five-for against South Australia and was picked for South Africa. He didn’t fly with the rest of the players, though, as he missed his flight. Nothing was ever easy for Bryce.

His second first-class match in six months was a tour match where the South African A team attacked Bryce mercilessly. Perhaps it was a plan sent down by the main management, or perhaps they just sensed he wasn’t right, but it wasn’t pretty. North played as the spinner in the first two Tests. For the third Test, North got sick, and it would have seemed like the first bit of good fortune to come to Bryce since he hurt his shoulder.

At the age of 36, Bryce made his debut for Australia. It was a dream come true for a man who never stopped believing. It was one of us playing Test cricket for his country. It was seen as a joke by many, but even the cynics had to marvel at how this office worker made it to the baggy green.

I missed the Test live as I was on holidays and proposing to my now-wife. I’m glad I missed it. Sure, I’d wanted Bryce to fulfill his dream as much as I’d wanted to fulfill most of mine, but I wouldn’t have liked to see what happened to him live. South Africa clearly saw a damaged player thrown their way and feasted on him. His figures were heartbreaking: 0 for 149. Some called it the worst debut in history.

I contacted him after it, and Bryce was amazingly upbeat. He’d make it back, according to him. He was talking nonsense. There was no way back for him. Australia wouldn’t care that his shoulder wasn’t right; he couldn’t handle the pressure. His body, mind and confidence had cracked under pressure. He was roadkill.

But Bryce wouldn’t see it that way, and that’s why he’s my favourite cricketer. I wasn’t there for all the times no one believed in him, for all those times his dream was so far away and life was in his way. But I was there now, at what was obviously the end. Bryce McGain saw the darkness but refused to enter it. That’s special. That is how you achieve your dreams when everything is against you.

Before I moved to London to embark on my cricket-writing career, I met Bryce for a lunch interview. It was my first interview with a cricketer. We were just two former office workers who had escaped. At this stage Casson had been preferred over him for the tour to the West Indies. In the Shield final, Bryce’s spinning finger had opened up after a swim in the ocean. He was outbowled by Casson and the selectors didn’t take him. Surely this was it. Why would anyone pick a 36-year-old who had been below his best in his most important game?

Bryce knew he may have blown it. But he still believed, of course. We were just two former office workers with dreams. Two guys talking about legspin. Two guys just talking shit and hoping things would work out.

At the time it was just cool to have lunch with this guy I admired, but now I look back and know I had lunch with the player who would become my favourite cricketer of all time.

The world would be a better place if more people saw McGain as a hero and not a failure. Shane Warne was dropped on this planet to be a god. Bryce McGain just wanted to fulfil his dream, and that he did against all odds is perhaps one of the great cricket stories of all time.

Bryce is one of us, the one who couldn’t give up.

Talking women keepers and the student project that is kiwi cricket (featuring @iainobrien

Iain O’Brien talks about bowling at Sarah Taylor off two paces, and how I’ve never played Test cricket.

There is BJ(orn) Watling appreciation.

Discussions on where, who and how the kiwi batting order can be.

Steyn porn.

And we talk about Magic Mike Hesson, the work experience coach.

Listen here.

Cricket news hurl: Margaret the match fixer

Jesse Ryder took 9 wickets for 30 runs in a stunning spell of bowling in a dream I had this week. He was swinging it both ways like a bowler in Allan Border’s Cricket. It was brilliant, but not real.

To wake up from that dream and find out that Paul Harris had retired from all forms of cricket was a mighty comedown. Harris, who you may remember from an action that was bowling’s version of botulism, served South Africa well for a man without any discernible skill.

He was disagreeable aesthetically, and often in personality, and yet Paul Harris played in one of the best bowling attacks on earth. He is an example of what gritty single-minded determination and a lack of self-awareness can do for you. He will not be missed, but it is kind of cool he ever existed in the first place.

Even without Paul Harris, and now Vernon Philander, you would expect South Africa to continue their domination of the Kiwis. That Amla’s pretty handy, no?

Earlier in the week, Australia wiped Sri Lanka 3-0 in the Tests after an uncomfortable chase of 141 seemed to make them more nervous than a Shane Warne return to the keeper. Ed Cowan batted for what felt like days of toil for his 38, but then selflessly took himself away from the spotlight to allow Mike Hussey to do what Mike Hussey has done so many times in limited-overs cricket, get Australia over the line.

The Australia B side, as it was known, smashed Sri Lanka by 107 runs in the first ODI, after being inspired by Aaron Finch’s 16. Cricket Australia had a section in the crowd they referred to as the Aussie Army, which was their non-rhyming rip-off version of the Barmy and Swarmi Army. Yet even with that marketing idea the crowd was a disappointing for the MCG: 27,461. For a Big Bash match this season they got 46,581 and on Boxing Day it was 67,138. That proves once and for all that Tests > T20 > ODI.

England were > India in their ODI. England haven’t won an ODI series in India since players wore coloured clothes. Samit Patel made 44 off 20 balls, which meant that for at least seven minutes he wasn’t abused on twitter. Or by his teammates.

It was on twitter that a former England player, Paul Nixon, declared during the Pakistan loss to India, “Pakistan throwing this game away eh.” “Pakistan will just loose last few balls… #usualstory #dodgey”. Not only did Pakistan get loose, they also managed to lose. While some people were angry with Nixon’s tweet, it should also be pointed out that Paul Nixon believes he once was contacted by a spirit woman from the other side while engaging in a séance with Brad Hodge and Darren Maddy.

The woman’s name was Margaret. It’s quite possible that Paul’s friend Margaret was the one who told him about the match fixing. It’s also possible that Margaret is the match fixer.

Despite Nixon’s tweet, it isn’t all bad news as the PCB have unveiled their T20 tournament, which is not Premier, but Super – The PSL. Not to be confused with the Premier Squash League or Partnership Sourcing Limited (an Institute for Collaborative Working as you ask) the Pakistani Super League will be a, wait for it, franchise T20 competition. According to Haroon Lorgat, the former chief executive of the ICC, the tournament is worth up to $100m. At the moment there seems to be no franchise owners, no TV deal, a logo and no overseas players.

They are aiming to bring in some of the biggest name players from around the world. According to Charles Dagnell of the PCA (the England players’ union, not the PokerStars Caribbean Adventures) England players have been advised not to play in Pakistan. If other major countries follow suit, it may not be as super as they first thought.

Some real super news is that the Victoria’s Pakistani legspinner Fawad Ahmed has been selected in the Prime Ministers XI despite only one match in the Big Bash. Julia Gillard said: “His slider needs some work, but his finger wrong ’un is Qadir like, and his control of length can only be matched by Kumble at his best.”

While Fawad’s career was on the way up, Sachin Tendulkar is stuck at Ranji Trophy level. But he isn’t slumming it like most first-class players. In one match he made a hundred, had a fan run out and kiss his feet and due to a lack of police presence had to wait for an hour for an escort to his car at the end of the day.

The new Sachin, or the new Dravid, or the new Sunil, or even the new and improved Wasim Jaffer – Che Pujara – showed his class again this week when he made a triple hundred in his Ranji match. Now, he’s pretty good, and you expect him to make triple hundreds in his sleep, except when Jesse is bowling, but this one was in the third innings of a match: 352 off 427 balls as he locked in a draw and win on first innings for Saurashtra.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all third innings triple hundreds in India. A young student and fan of Virat Kohli committed suicide this week and mentioned Kohli in her suicide note. She noted how good Kohli was, and how he would create many records while expressing her wish that if her family members ever met Kohli they should tell him what a fan of his she was. Being that none of us can positively know what is in the afterlife, I suggest you do everything you can to stay in a world that has a batsman as wonderful to watch as Kohli.

Another wonderful batsmen is Ross Taylor and it seems he is close to returning. @Rossltaylor: “All the best to the ‪@BLACKCAPS for the second test. Looking forward to working my way back for the home series against England.” Now all the Kiwis need to do is get Jesse, Dan, Tim and Luke into the side and they’ll be back.

They might have to make their way back without the nerd scientist John Buchanan. This week Buchanan outed the fact that the relations between him and NZC’s CEO David White are frosty. It seems that with Ross Taylor’s incident and a total of 45 the director of cricket may not be there for much longer. Unlike the case of Taylor, if Buchanan is fired it will not be by accident.

An Australian who was fired recently had reportedly gone soft. Simon Katcih, who once choked a man for not singing a song and devised a batting style that was made just to hurt people’s eyes, had mellowed in his old age and was going to allow the Adelaide Striker’s Kane Richardson to continue his innings despite stepping on his stumps. That is what it looked like. Instead it was just that the Perth Scorchers failed to appeal for the hit wicket. Even after keeper Tom Triffitt had put the bails back on. The good thing is that Simon Katich is still a mean man, the way he should be. As for Kane Richardson, he was rewarded with a call up to the Australian side.

The Big Bash is quickly becoming the league that is aiming at young kids while playing guys old enough to be their grandparents. Last week it was Bradley Young, the only bowler to take a hat trick in the Commonwealth games, and this week it is Mark Higgs. Mark Higgs originally played for the Canberra (or ACT) Comets, before moving around a few states. He last played top-level cricket in 2005. In the same year Honey Boo Boo was born and it is the Honey Boo Boo audience that the Big Bash is trying to cash in on.

Yet, they still weren’t the oldest cricketers in the news from Australia this week. Six-Test Victorian superstar Julian Wiener was made captain of Australia’s Open cricket squad for July’s Maccabiah Games at the ripe young age of 57. It’s Wiener’s fourth Games, which is an international Jewish athletic event held in Israel.

Another Victorian Jewish cricket legend, Michael Klinger, is missing to play for Gloucestershire, which is decidedly less exciting, but since ha almost died in the Maccabiah bridge collapse of ‘97, he might be happy to miss out.

In other news, Shane Warne and Marlon Samuels seemed to have some disagreement in a cricket match. I’d write more about it, but it wasn’t really reported much in the news.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you think you’re a better bowler than Paul Harris, you probably aren’t.

when i sat on a digital cricket couch

Subash from the cricket couch has a bit of a crush on me.

It’s kind of sweet, really.

This is my 4th time on his podcast, and considering Rahul Dravid has only been on once, you can see where he places me in the pantheon of cricket royalty.

To listen to the podcast, click here.

It mostly goes like this,

“Subash Jayaraman– Hello and Welcome to Couch Talk. Today’s guest is Jarrod Kimber of Cricket with Balls, Two Chucks and Cricinfo. We will be talking about the over all performance of the Australian team in 2012, the big retirements and the promising debuts, the enigma that is Shane Watson and look ahead what seems to be quite a busy year in 2013.

Welcome to the show, Jarrod.

Jarrod Kimber- Thank you very much.

SJ- This is your 4th time on Couch Talk. I’ve asked Channel Nine to make a commemorative mug that Mark Taylor will be plugging during the Commonwealth Bank ODI series.

JK- The BullShitter. “Available in a special print of only 10844.” Every one of them will have a piece of my DNA, but you won’t know which piece.”

Read the full transcript here.

Gideon Haigh pronounces the Bogus Age

Two men, australian cricket, a bit of shit talk, you know the drill.

What starts is an unscripted dive into run outs.

Then we bullshit about writing on your friends (read smooth Eddie Cowan).

Then Watson, again. We can’t help it. It’s a sickness.

And at the end Gideon rides a stunning white stallion through Marlon and Shane’s stropfest.

Put this in your ears now.

Iain O’Brien and I talk about muddy Kiwis

Imagine talking to a former kiwi cricketer about their total of 45.

You don’t have to, I did it for you.

We talk all sorts of nerdy stuff about bowling first, and how old Bruce Martin is.

It’s just two guys talking about NZs happy tour of South Africa.

Ronchi.

Listen here.

The myth of Shane Watson

Shane Watson is desperate to be an allrounder who bats in the middle order and dominates like Freddie Flintoff. Then he wants to open the batting and still bowl his full overs. Then he’s happy to move down the order to three, as it puts less stress on him. Then he’s content to bat at four, and that it will help him bowl more overs. Now he’ll bat anywhere, but probably gets that his body won’t let him bowl.

That is Shane Watson.

But that is also the Australian selectors. Shane Watson is the biggest headache and most confusing question the selectors have at the moment. Before the Adelaide Test there was more than enough noise that they couldn’t play Watson just as a batsman, and now Watson is just a batsman, they have to work out where to get the best out of him, if they want him at all. Today Mickey Arthur has suggested he may have to go back to opening.

Watson is pure throbbing talent. Large, powerful, deadly and mean. He picked up attacks at the World T20 and shook them down. In the IPL he looks better than entire franchises. In ODIs he’s a consistent wrecking ball.

But in Test cricket he’s an LBW candidate who gets bogged down and doesn’t make hundreds.

In Test cricket he’s mostly myths.

Watson the opening aggressor

One of the most common incorrect thoughts in cricket is that Shane Watson is an attacking opener. It’s simply not true. Sure, for a couple of overs, on the odd occasion, he will slash outside off stump and muscle some pulls, but once he gets to 20 or 30, he stops. And when Watson stops in Test cricket, he’s cadaverous.

Virender Sehwag’s opening strike-rate is 82.

Tillakaratne Dilshan’s opening strike-rate is 71.

Graeme Smith’s opening strike-rate is 59.

Simon Katich’s opening strike-rate is 49.

Alastair Cook’s opening strike-rate is 47.

Ed Cowan’s opening strike-rate is 43.

Watson’s is 52. That means that in terms of quick-scoring opening batsmen, Watson is marginally closer to Smith than he is to Cowan. And Dilshan and Sehwag are distant dreams.

Watson is a plodding opening batsman who can hit powerful boundaries. More Jason Arnberger than Matthew Hayden.

Watson is a part-time bowler

Some people will suggest that Watson’s bowling isn’t that important. That due to his body and the many, many, many changes in action he is nothing more than a trundling medium pacer who can take up a few overs when the ball is older.

Watson has a Test average of 30 with the ball. His economy is under 3. And he has three five-wicket hauls. He’s a proper fifth bowler who can bowl with the new ball and get movement. Bowl with an old ball and get reverse swing. And be used as a bowler who can keep the runs down.

In 2011, as an opener who was underbowled, he averaged 19 from six Tests and has won Australia Tests with the ball. Sometimes with game-changing wickets, sometimes by the number of wickets he has taken.

He’s clever, he’s cocky and when he doesn’t bowl Australia feels the nakedness of not having a legitimate fifth bowler.

Watson’s in bad form because he isn’t opening

It seems amazing that anyone, especially those in the Australian team bubble, would consider that Watson should be moved back to opening the batting and dropping Cowan. Forget that Cowan’s ugly, yet ultimately effective 36, might have been the difference between them winning and losing a Test match in Sydney. Cowan has averaged 32 opening the batting for Australia in 2012-13, with a hundred against the best bowling attack in the world, and in 2011 Watson averaged just 24 doing the same job.

In 2012, not opening the batting, Watson averaged 31. Watson’s loss of form in Test cricket seems to have come from teams targeting his massive front pad, his inability to turn the strike over with the field set in anything other than full attack mode and his lack of conversions from 50 to 100s.

Overall Watson still averages 43 opening the batting, but that was mostly earned early on, when he was doing very well. Now he’s simply not doing well, no matter where he bats.

Those expecting a return to form batting at the top of the order may find a rude surprise.

Watson is a batsman

Batsmen score hundreds. Allrounders score fifties. Sure that is a generalization, but you know, that’s kind of how it works unless you’re a Sobers or Kallis. Watson can bat, but that’s not being a batsman. There is more to it than that. He seems, either mentally or physically, not able to make the large scores that other batsmen make at the top level.

Watson simply does not score enough Test hundreds to bat at the top of the order. In 38 Tests he has two hundreds and 19 half-centuries. It’s the reason he averages 37 and not 42. Top-order batsmen need to score big hundreds. Watson knows this, and his desperation for the big score has even gotten him out before.

Batsmen work through their innings, not hit and stop like Watson.

Watson can’t bat in the middle order

When Watson first played Tests for Australia he was brought in as an allrounder who batted at seven. Eventually he was moved up to six. In both positions he was a disaster. But Watson as a cricketer was a bit of a disaster at that point. His body was useless. He gave more press conferences than faced balls. His place in the Australian team never felt secure. And he didn’t seem to really know his game at all. That he failed then was not a big surprise. He would have also failed as an opener in that time, but his form was so bad that no one would have tried him there.

Things are different now, Watson’s place in the world is secure, and he knows that he can master worldwide attacks. But perhaps he should try it in the middle order much the way he bats in ODI cricket.

An average of mid to high 30s batting at No.6 with a high strike-rate and bowling when he is fit could be very useful to a team that currently has no No.6 and four openers. It could also unshackle Watson, who just doesn’t look comfortable as a top-order stalwart, but seems perfectly made as a middle-order enforcer.

Or Australia could try him at No.5, as in 38 Tests they’ve tried him in every other position from 1-7.

If that doesn’t work, perhaps Watson could bowl some spin.

Cricket news hurl: Victory Camel Edition

When Jesse Ryder wasn’t challenging Freddie Flintoff to a boxing duel, he was trying to bring peace and love to the world this week with a 62 off 37 balls.

But the world wouldn’t have it. And instead of enjoying everything that comes from a Jesse magic session, some idiots started a rumour that Rangana Herath and Chaminda Vaas had died in a car crash in Sydney.

Now I know Herath is not dead because I am watching him bowl right now. And while I am always hoping that one day an army of undead slow bowling zombies takes over the world, Herath and his seductive spinners hips are clearly very much alive. The bright minds behind this prank didn’t check to see whether Chaminda Vaas was actually in Sydney before claiming he was involved. As far as idiotic fake death rumours, this one was as embarrassing as Ed Cowan’s run out.

Unfortunately other people died for real.

The cricket media read more like an obituary section. Legendary gentlemanly cricket commentator and writer Christopher Martin-Jenkins, Cricketer, Commentator, Salesman and Sri Lanka Tourism spokesman Tony Greig, Western Province legspinner John Commins and organising secretary of the Vizianagaram District Cricket Association P. Appala Raju. All men of cricket, who will be missed by the game, their family and friends.

Yet, cricket goes on.

Although in South Africa, it doesn’t go on for as long as it should.

45. It’s an age not a batting total.

Poor Prince Brendon McCullum, his first Test as captain was always going to be hard. The media and fans waiting to foot the boot in as an undermanned teams played the world’s best away from home. But 45 runs in your first innings. That’s not a Test Match score. That’s just harsh. If you typle “New Zealand” into google on the right kind of day, it autofills to “New Zealand Cricket’s lowest totals”. Well, it should.

In 1946 New Zealand made 42 and 54 in a Test at the basin (which is currently fighting for it’s future). Australia refused to play them in an official Test for almost 30 years because of that. It seems that South Africa are yet to make that decision.

Australia are currently trying to send Mike Hussey off in a better way than they sent off Ricky Ponting. That was made easier as Herath is the only player not injured at the moment. Shaminda Eranga is the latest cricketer to be punished for playing soccer. This will please those who believe any physical activity that is not actual cricket based is evil and must be stopped.

Some people might be saying the same thing of Ravi Jadeja’s twitter feed after he put a sweary threatening direct message in the inbox of @TanujVirani who had been abusing him on twitter. Now if it’s ok for @TanujVirani to tweet abuse Ravi, it should be ok for Ravi to do the same back. Except, it isn’t, because you can’t go swearing in a threating way on twitter when you’re a famous person. You’re supposed to rise above the hate and lay in your bathtub of money. Jadeja didn’t do that. Being that Jadeja gets so much abuse on twitter, and that he has his Restaurant to look after, he’s going to have to spend all his free time abusing people who have trolled him on twitter.

Instead Ravi should be trying to work out how to get out Nasir Jamshed. Although, that’s a trick, isn’t it, because you can’t work out the Jamshed, you just have to sit back and wait for him to get bored of beating you. That’s exactly what he did to India in this series, he beat them.

His teammates must love him. Not only did he provide a victory of the arch enemy on their own dirt, he has provided each and every player with their own camel. CAMEL.

According to PakPassion:

“The Provincial Minister of Food in Balochistan – Haji Ali Madad Jattak – has announced a unique award for the players in the Pakistani cricket team who were successful in winning the 3 match ODI series in India. The member of the ruling Pakistani Peoples Party (PPP) has announced that each player will receive their very own camel worth Pakistani Rupees 3-4 lakh (about £1900)

The camel is considered to be quite prestigious in the province of Balochistan – thus the minister chose this as his way to express his appreciation for the team’s efforts.”

Do you know what else is prestigious, an actual payment of £1900. It’s also a silly animal for an ODI series. A camel is a Test gift, they’re a longevity animal. They should have got greyhounds.

It’s not all camels for Pakistani cricketers, Javed Miandad had to pull out of travelling to India after his Visa was being held up by people being angry at him for who his son married to.

It sounds like I’ve made up the last two stories, doesn’t it?

In more believable news, Roger Wensley was made captain of the Devon Over 50s cricket team. According to the Exmouth Journal, Wensley is an early order batsman with a reputation for being difficult to dismiss. One of Wensley’s main jobs is to find some players, ‘My message to them is get in touch and when we starts indoor nets in March or April, come along.”

In slightly less professional cricket, USACA have decided on their new CEO, Darren Beazley, the former general manager of business development with the WACA. It also shows that no matter what the job in cricket administration you need filled, you can find an aussie you’ve never heard of to fill it.

New South Wales and Australia administrators this week decided to let Brett Lee off without a fine. In their words, “Cricket New South Wales confirms that the conduct charges against Brett Lee have been withdrawn. Both parties acknowledge that there is a code of conduct in place and to which all contracted players must adhere.” Lee is being silenced publicly, but they’ll still have to stop him complaining privately as they’ve invited him onto a sub-committee looking at the future of New South Wales. Ofcourse, they could have done that before they made a far bigger story out of this by trying to fine him under their ridiculous code of conduct breach. It’s not even like Brett Lee is a real Cricket Australia cricketer, he’s only playing in the Big Bash.

The Big Bash provided some magic cricket this week when Scott Coyte provided a 12 ball over. The over (Wide, No ball, 4, dot, wide, 1, wide, wide, 1, wide, dot, dot) went for 12 runs. The second last ball of Coyte’s opus was a shout for LBW against Shaun Marsh, who was probably tired of having to face so many balls in the over. For some, they’ll see this over as a failure, but I see it as very economical. Coyte went at a run a ball, which is a success in T20.

It was his only over that night, and his side lost.

The Big Bash League has eight teams. Two of their teams are currently based in Melbourne. The ladder has these two teams at number one and number three.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you want to send me a camel, feel free, I am partial to the breed Kachchhi.