Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 43

Cowan’s 7.3 seconds of pain

In 7.3 seconds Ed Cowan went from intelligent cricketer and author to a cricketing dunce.

Cowan’s a man who can read, and understand books. He likes the West Wing. Quotes from Charles Darwin. And he pressed keys on a laptop to make an actual book appear.

That brain has served him well in cricket.

Cowan also works really hard. There are several more talented batsmen playing in Shield cricket who would be where Cowan is if they had his work ethic and desire.

This combination has been used to plan, implement and refine a career that really should have been over in his mid 20s. Anyone who bought his book will know the effort he puts into his cricket, whether in training and preparing, and just how much time he spends analysing himself. And over analysing. He wasn’t suddenly picked because of a mass of talent, but rather working hard, and thinking more critically about himself as a cricketer than most people can, or would feel comfortable doing.

Sometimes, by his own admission, his brain gets the best of him.

There are times during his more onerous innings when he almost stops batting. You can see it in his face, or, if you are at the ground, sense it via the scoreboard. He’ll bat himself into some depressing cave of doubt, and suddenly the smile happy Ed is replaced by a Cowan face of intense worry and too many thoughts. Instead of playing each ball as it comes, you can almost see him trying to second-guess what the bowler is thinking. He becomes Mr Theory, and his progress, and the team’s, slows down as he bats against himself.

You get the feeling on occasion that he actually has to tell himself to stop thinking too much. It’s why Brett Geeves once referred to him as the Woody Allen of cricket. Which is unfair, and untrue, he’s much more Jim Jarmusch.

At the moment he is using his brain to overcome his problem of slightly over balancing when playing the straightening ball. It’s a common flaw in even the best left-handers. He’s spent hours with coaches and analysts to make sure he isn’t an LBW candidate for a canny seamer.

Thinking and working, what has made an NSWales reject an Australian opener. It’s also those things that have made Cowan a hit with many fans and writers in spite of being a turgid plodder in these slap happy T20 times.

To win over any Australian fans the way Cowan plays is a big achievement. Australians don’t do defensive minded batsmen. I’ve never been at an Australian cricket game where someone didn’t shout “get on with it” at least once an hour with at least one expletive added in. And I’ve often felt a brain used outside of cricket is often a superfluous requirement in Australian cricket.

The reason Cowan is in the side is because he’s the opening batsman Australia need right now. The batting line up, even when it had six proper batsmen and legends in certain positions, has been misfiring since 2009. Batsmen who are prone to waft outside off stump or plant their foot in a macho style, were simply not getting the job done when it was needed.

In this current squad Phil Hughes is, according to the selectors, not mentally strong enough to take on the South Africans. Despite a decent current average, Dave Warner’s technique and temperament style will mean many cheap outs. Wade is an unpolished street fighter. Michael Clarke’s magic super voodoo form may not last forever. Mike Hussey is no more. It’s possible that Shane Watson’s Test career is over. And Usman Khawaja may not be a top order player, or even an Australian player.

So Cowan is needed.

But Australia don’t need a batsmen who is stuck averaging in the mid 30s. Not even ones who can bat on grassy knolls and survive cracked up 5th day wickets.

His sins, in what should have been two simple runs, include:

A yawn of a back up.

Running the first one at skipping pace.

A vision impaired turn treacle turn.

Hesitating like Satchel Paige.

Not screaming “no” like he saw a wolfman.

That is a lot of mistakes to cram into less than ten seconds. And every easy cover drive, or ball clipped off the pads from Hughes and Warner would make those seconds on rotation in Cowan’s head.

If Ed Cowan goes on to be the Test player he and the Australian team believe he can be, this is just a funny chapter in his unghosted autobiography “Op Ed – tales of a hirsute leaver”. If not. It’ll be a far darker introspective chapter full of self-loathing.

The selectors believe Ed Cowan is their man, and Cowan believes it too, but he is a man who has to be at the top of his game at all times just to survive at Test level. He can’t afford too many more 7.3 seconds of lazy stupidity.

Cowan knows that. And his batting diary probably says something similar.

Gideon Haigh and I talk Mr Stamps (Mr Cricket) and CMJ and Greig

Sorry for talking about Shane Watson again, but we do.

There is also chat about the Hussey timing.

Heaps about Glenn Maxwell, who is now not playing.

Some chat about Brett Lee’s tongue.

And finally Gideon finishes by telling some Tony Greig and CMJ stories.

Please your ears here.

Herath the Hero

Not enough comic books have superheroes who are old, short, pudgy with a bad marine haircut, soft round face and pants slightly too high on the waist.

But they should. And if they did, they could easily use Rangana Herath as their inspiration even though bowling SLA is not an obvious heroic endeavor.

From a distance Herath probably looks more like a dad watching his kid play than 2012’s leading Test wicket taker. Perhaps it’s even that that helps him. It’s hard to fear a man when he looks like he should be wearing a Cosby sweater and driving a comfortable second hand station wagon.

60 wickets from 10 matches should have people writing about you as a golden god, I mean seven five wicket hauls in one year, wow, they should be building statues and changing the pictures on the money in Sri Lanka.

Instead Herath’s heroics are seen mostly as a bowler dominating at home. 54 wickets in his seven Tests in Sri Lanka. Yet, Michael Clarke didn’t make a hundred away from home this year either. And while his exploits were far grander than Herath’s, Clarke has been hyped since he was a teen, Herath has played Tests since 1999 without anyone taking much notice.

Much of that time Herath was the back up to Murali, a decent job, but one with limited exposure. Murali was machinelike, and often two spinners at once, so there was often little need for Herath.

Now that he is almost the entire bowling attack for Sri Lanka, he essentially is Murali. But he’s different as well.

Murali wore batsmen down with spin, boucne and relentlessness, Herath is a proper artist. His spell at the MCG to Clarke and Watson was as good and fruitless a spell a finger spinner can have in Australia.

At times it was like he had Shane Watson’s powerful leg on a string, and would move it exactly where he needed it to cause the most amount of anxiousness to Watson. Each floaty ball was a grenade that seemingly gave Watson nightmares as it bounced near him. In real life, Watson would use Herath as a stress ball.

Even Clarke, who is in the sort of form that leads Charlton Heston to play you in a movie, was put through the works with Herath’s fielding positions. Like a serial killer with a moral to teach, Herath put his onside field together in a way that would cause Clarke the absolute most damage mentally. From the outside it looked like a bowler that would make most club cricketers believe they could survive an over of Test Cricket bowling to the world’s form batsman. But if you watched it closely Herath had found a weakness in Clarke, and was willing to wait all day for him to slip up.

Every ball Herath delivers is linked to another one, it’s not a delivery, its part of an overall plan. Is game within a game with Clarke seems to be building with every innings. The more accumalted wisdom he gets, the harder it is for Clarke to handle him. Herath is a throw back to the old kind of spinners, sure he has a ball that goes the other way, but his talent isn’t in magical balls or stunning deliveries, it’s in hours of hard work and the incredibly clever brain of a master spinner.

It looks easy from afar, and it’s not as sexy as a 150k Yorker, but the fact that someone like Herath is not only in Test cricket, but can play it at this level shows the amazing talent he has in his extremely mortal frame.

Herath had Watson and Clarke dropped. Not even including the time he should have had Clarke stumped if not for a flick of Clarke’s lucky pad. Those two wickets could have changed the entire Test for Sri Lanka, perhaps even the series with Herath having an SCG Test strip next.

Instead Herath’s masterful display ended with him losing the Test, the series and no wickets the last time he bowled in 2012. His only victory was a catch that seemed mostly accidental and all the more awesome because it was him who took it.

Herath didn’t become the leading Test wicket taker in 2012 because of dodgy local tracks. He did it based on a lifetime of spinner’s knowledge, battle weary fingers and the art of subtle deception. The man works hard for every wickets he gets, and does it all without the gift of height or general athletic prowess.

In 2012 Herath was a hero. Even his final deed of 0/95 was heroic, even if it was in vain.

Cricket news hurl: The partial retirement that shook up the world

There was an announcement that rocked the world this week. Like you I am drowning in career eulogies as one of the greats has decided to partially retire. Stepping down from a form of cricket that they made their own, leaving us with a massive hole in our lives that we may never fill.

Her name was Leah Poulton, and all players who retire early from ODIs should carry her name. ODIs will miss this great servant to the game, but she lives on in T20 cricket.

It was in T20 cricket that Jesse Ryder won another game for Wellington this week with a face melting 60. For those keeping count, that’s a kabillion runs Jesse has made this year.

New Zealand, who are currently naked without him, managed to win one of their three T20s against South Africa when Martin Guptil was inspired by Jesse and made 101* not out. South Africa won the series on Boxing Day in front of a crowd of 13,885.

South Africa could have been playing on Boxing Day in Melbourne had CSA and CA ever come to an agreement about Boxing Day that required more finesse and love than greediness. Then South Africa could have been playing a Test in front of 67,138, or even more, fans.

Had South Africa played in that Test, it may have lasted longer than three days. It also would have saved Sri Lanka from producing a scorecard that looked like Bishen Bedi was the captain. How could the SLC not want to pay the support staff a bonus, this week they spent more time out in the middle than most of their batsmen. It was a great Test for Australia (what loss to South Africa?), they decided on a controversial policy of only ever playing one Mitchell, and showed the world Jackson Bird’s economical bowling and crazy club cricket arms upon delivery.

Jackson Bird’s arms were described on twitter thusly:

@FulhamJon: he looks like he’s dancing to some energetic ska as he runs in.

@ Mykuhl he runs in like Charl Langeveldt with wings.

Also at the MCG, according to fan @morto87, someone (read drunkard waste of human fluids) was thrown out for suggesting that Sri Lanka should return to Sri Lanka via the boats they came in on. This fan was ejected from the MCG. Unfortunately, it was before Angelo Mathews could pull his head off.

To lift everyone’s spirits, Clarke then broke the record for the most runs ever in a Test calendar year for Australia, and the 4th highest ever. Clarke also broke the record for the amount of times one person has spoken to Mark Nicholas in a year. A day before Kumar Sangakkara became the 11th man to score 10,000 test runs. Kumar instantly became the most attractive left-hander on that list. Also listed is Sachin Tendulkar, who did not retire from Test Cricket this week.

Sachin’s partial retirement is the reason he’s not playing against Pakistan in the current series. Yet, the world managed to keep turning, and in the T20 portion both teams shared one win. Most importantly both teams flew on the same plane as each other between matches. I bet Umar Akmal and Virat Kohli were fighting over who was hotter, Phoebe Cates or Winona Ryder, or how silly the ‘don’t eat after midnight Mogwai rule’ is. “Virat, it doesn’t make sense, when can they start eating again after midnight, what about different timezones, I mean aren’t they from China, also, isn’t it always technically after midnight?”. It’s rumoured that Ishant Sharma and Mohammad Irfan formed a pop duo.

It’s a groundbreaking series, and Pakistan has another coming up with news sounding good that Bangladesh will tour there for a very tiny limited overs series. Two ODIs and one T20 is all that they will play, but it’s about more than that, isn’t it.

Bangladesh are the latest team to start a new domestic franchise league, only this one is not premier. And it’s not t20. It’s over four days, FOUR days. A four day, four team, first class zonal structure that should help Bangladesh players make the jump from first class cricket to Test Cricket.

England first class cricketer and occasional England Lion, James Vince, was thrown out of a darts event this week when he threw a paper plane. It takes some effort to be thrown out of an event like darts, but Vince’s controversial paper plane did it. Vince later tweeted, “

@vincey14: Chucked out of the darts for a paper aeroplane how fucking pathetic”.

A far greater crime was committed in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, when the Stoney Creek Cricket Academy was attacked and vandalised with racist slogans. The racist idiots didn’t stop there, they also ran dirt bikes over the pitch. Racists are everywhere, but anti cricket racists, I am sure you will agree, are the worst.

South of Canada in the USA, the news is less dramatic, but still pretty ordinary. USACA have apparently had an Annual General Meeting, only they didn’t let everyone in, which sort of defeats the purpose of having an AGM, and since they don’t do it annually anyway, maybe they don’t really understand what an AGM is. This should encourage the ICC to suspend their funding, again, but whether this meeting will affect their proposed T20 league is anyone’s guess.

In the Australian T20 league this week, Cricket Australia went fine crazy. First Darren Lehmann was fined for daring to suggest that Marlon Samuels may chuck when he bowls. Samuels has had much work done on his action in the past on the ICC’s dime, and was also reported for chucking in the IPL as well. Johan Botha came to Samuels’ defence, and considering Botha’s doosra has been banned, Samuels may not need that kind of help. Big Bash poster boy Brett Lee has been charged with two possible offences for daring to point out that Dave Gilbert and Cricket New South Wales should part ways. Perhaps if CA keep dishing out the fines at much loved former Aussie players, no one will notice that few are turning up to the Big Bash.

Even Big Bash legend and patron Saint Shane Warne missed a game this week. As broken by this very column, who stole it off someone on twitter, Shane Warne missed the Big Bash over Christmas, because he was back in the UK, with his fiancée. You’re struggling when you can’t even keep your highest paid player in the country.

Yet, the Melbourne Green franchise still managed to win even without Shane Warne. Because they’re from Melbourne. And they have Brad Hodge, who has played for more domestic T20 franchises than you’ve seen Phoebe Cates or Winona Ryder films.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you know the real height of Mohammad Irfan, keep it to yourself. If you want to complain about the lack of Sachin in this column, travel to Disneyland and abuse Mickey Mouse

Brett Lee’s tongue problem

If you want women, fame and money, it’s probably better to be a cricketer than a cricket administrator.

If you want job security, business cards and the ability to wield power over people who are better looking and more athletic than you, cricket administration is a good gig.

You might think being one of the fastest bowlers on earth with an album, Bollywood career and breakfast cereal sponsorship is enough give you some special treatment from your employers in the twilight of your impressive Australian career.

Instead Brett Lee has been charged with unbecoming behavior and detrimental public comments when speaking about a CEO of a state organization that is hemorrhaging Test players has been a non-entity in the ultimate domestic tournament and currently has the two last placed teams in the Big Bash.

It is just the latest in a long line of Cricket Australia stamping down on players and coaches saying what they feel. Simon Katich wasn’t allowed to talk about why he believed he was dropped. Darren Lehmann was charged by Cricket Australia for criticising the legality of a bowling action that the ICC has deemed illegal on occasions.

And now Lee is alleged to have breached Rule 6: Unbecoming Behaviour and Rule 9: Detrimental Public Comment of the Code of Behaviour regarding comments about Cricket New South Wales and its Chief Executive Officer Dave Gilbert.

“Rule 6 states: Without limiting any other rule, players and officials must not at any time engage in behaviour unbecoming to a representative player or official that could (a) bring them or the game of game into disrepute or (b) be harmful to the interests of cricket.

Rule 9 states: Without limiting any other rule, player and official must not make public or media comment which is detrimental to the interest of the game. “

Cricket Australia would save their staff a lot of time if they could convince their players to cut their tongues out like Kakihara did in Ichi the Killer. The problem is, Kakihara only slices off his own tongue when he was wrong.

Convincing Brett Lee he is wrong could be a tough thing to do.

Lee has said that the CEO of an underperforming state should be fired, and for Dave Gilbert that is detrimental. Ofcourse, Dave Gilbert had fired Anthony Stuart, which I suppose for Anthony Stuart was detrimental. And it was Gilbert who had hired Stuart, which was detrimental to Cricket New South Wales. Cricket New South Wales being an embarrassing mess who struggled to win games or keep their Test players could also be seen as detrimental.

The person who hired the wrong man and then fired him mid way through the season is ok, but the one guy has been fired, and the other has to defend his words.

Has Lee brought the game into disrepute, or has he merely pointed out that Dave Gilbert had already brought Cricket New South Wales disrepute? Lee just put a name to the bad practices that have produced bad results. Gilbert is a big boy, with a decent wage, and he can find a microphone to defend himself when he needs too.

And let us be honest, being that, and this is tough for a Victorian to say, New South Wales is the most important state for finding Australian players, the way CNSW have been performing over recent seasons is being directly detrimental to Australian cricket. And their CEO should be fined for that, no?

Ofcourse not, I’m being silly. Having a poor record is not detrimental, having someone pointing it out is.

There’s something properly wrong with CNSW at the moment. It shouldn’t be a crime to say so. Perhaps instead metaphorically cutting the tongues of anyone who says anything off the CA propaganda script, more time should be spent on ensure that cricket in New South Wales is returned to it’s former arrogant glory.

It’s a great job being a cricket player, but it’s probably less enjoyable doing it while constantly gagged.

sitting in a bar discussing England’s 2012

Cricinfo has a podcast that discusses English cricket called switch hit.

Occasionally I am on it.

For the final one in the year we went to a loud bar in Brum and we talked about the entire year in English cricket.

It features Jonathan Harris-Bass, George Dobell, David Hopps, Andrew McGlashan and Alex Winter.

It also features David Hopps singing.

If you’re team England, or just interested in white men sitting around a table in a pub talking cricket, this might be the podcast for you.

Trash talking and Boxing Day misery with Gideon Haigh

Gideon Haigh spends a bit of time telling us about suicide and horrible stories.

I, unsurprisingly, put the foot into the SLC.

We talk about how many Mitchs is too many Mitchs.

And how the Big Bash would be bashier with more trash talking.

It’s the perfect thing to follow the birthday of Horus.

Get your boxing day podcast here.

Burning Blazers: The Kiwi Captaincy issue with special guest start Iain O’Brien

Imagine there was an entire podcast where an ex kiwi cricketer and current underwear mogul was forced to discuss the kiwi captaincy clusterfuck with some bum.

Now here it is.

Listen to IOB talk about everything from powerpoint displays to the fact he has no blazer.

This is a man who has actually met Magic Mike Hesson, the man who made Ross Taylor disappear.

Here is the pod, wipe it all over yourself.

Cricket news hurl: Salt Water Moose drowns Test Cricket

Jesse Ryder inspired Luke Ronchi to make a hundred in each innings. Ryder could have made the hundreds himself, but selflessly decided to help New Zealand cricket by showing just how good Luke Ronchi is.

Ronchi is very close to becoming the latest dual international player. The slog happy former Aussie keeper is so good that he will play probably days after he qualifies for New Zealand unless someone at the NZC stuffs up his forms.

At the moment NZC are focused on other players and are having a meeting with a bunch of their former Test Captains to improve relations with their current players. It’s going to be an annual event, not unlike when they fire their coach annually. The former captains will all have to bring their blazers to burn them in a bonfire while running around it as John Buchanan records their times on a clipboard.

New Zealand’s tour of South Africa is going as bad as NZC’s public image. A tour that was already missing their talisman, Vettori, their best batsman, Taylor, and their future, Ryder, they are now also missing their best bowler of recent times, Tim Southee, after he injured his thumb. They do have Ronnie Hira in their side, and if you’ve never seen what Ronnie Hira looks like, go over and look at his powerful come hither stare. The result of the first T20 does infer that you shouldn’t watch this series if you have a fragile disposition. All Kiwis should watch this series from behind their couch.

Not that everyone can watch it. Thanks to SABC’s decision to only show a couple of hours of Test cricket a day free to air. SABC have decided that showing Mad About You, the Young and the Restless, 227, Hawaii five-0, All my children, The Cosby Show and Salt Water Moose deliver better ratings than Test cricket in South Africa. It’s a sad day when a Salt Water Moose can trample cricket, but rumours are that shorter freshwater mooses are doing even better in the ratings.

The news comes the same week that twitter user @iamhassan9 was banned from twitter for tweeting illegal feeds for the cricket. One has the cricket and doesn’t want to show it, the other wants to show it any way they can. One’s a pillar of the cricket community, the other a parasite.

Better news from South Africa is that Cri-zelda Brits is back playing women’s cricket. Cri-zelda is a name so perfect that she deserves to be playing international cricket for a long time to come. Cri-Zelda is a former captain of South Africa and truly a legend.

India’s legends have reasserted their global dominance, and in one game shown why the last series meant nothing by winning a T20 against England. James Tredwell’s 1* was not enough to carry his side to victory against the impressive Yuvraj Singh. The win almost came at a cost when, as Rediff reports, selector Sandeep Patil was so upset that he had to sit near spectators in a private box he almost left the ground in a huff. Patil was sitting near Shah Ruh Khan at the time, and was clearly upset by just how devastatingly handsome the actor was, and how plain Patik looked in comparison.

This year Shah Ruh Khan’s Knightriders will have to lift their game as the latest IPL team has been named. The Hyderabad Sunrisers have blasted on to the scene with by far the coolest logo of any IPL side. The Sunrisers are essentially the Deccan Chargers team, with a new name, and (we can only hope) without that ear murderingly dreadful ‘go the chargers’ song.

A less premier league in Bangladesh currently has no contracts with it’s franchises, but they’ve had an auction and each of these unsigned franchises has 10 overseas players that it probably can’t afford. Names such as Shane Harwood (Victorian), Phil Mustard and Ireland’s heartthrob Paul Stirling were signed up. If Paul Stirling can’t save your T20 league, you simply cannot save it.

The BPL is not the only T20 league in trouble. Surprising absolutely no one is that the news that the American T20 league may have lost its benefactor and may be struggling. It seems like America will have to do without having an unsuccessful T20 league after all.

Not that we need Americans in cricket to come up with overly expensive gimmicks to make T20 cricket better, the Big Bash unleashed the FoxKopter this week. As fox themselves are describing it, “a revolutionary eight-propeller airborne camera”. If Sypdercam were to accidentally fly into FoxKopter’s airspace it would be destroyed in super slowmo as Shane Warne had just predicted would happen.

There was nothing hovering above the ground at Hobart, and few fans inside the ground, as Australia threw everything they could at Sri Lanka, including the cool bowling styles of keeper Matty Wade. They finally won on a rough fifth day pitch in the last session. Nathan Lyon practically ran through his overs like a mechanical bunny as Mitch the second (Starc) gave up his friendly half volleys for his demon reverse swing. Peter Siddle bowled until even those watching we’re sweating.

Losing the Test to Australia was bad, but the Sri Lankan players were also annoyed when the SLC leaked private correspondence about how money allocated to the players from the ICC should also be given to support staff. In Mahela’s words, “As the Captain of the National Team, I am disturbed and deeply disappointed that a confidential document handed over to Sri Lanka Cricket has been published in the Daily Mirror on December 19 causing much concern, embarrassment to players and other staff members.” He followed with “As a result of what has transpired, I have lost all confidence in dealing with SLC in the future.” Considering the SLC is a mess, broke and comically run, you’d have to wonder what took him so long.

In Serbia, government involvement in cricket looks like a good thing as they have agreed to partially fund development of the cricket. Their board said “This is a great step forward for cricket in Serbia, because according to this decision, cricket has become completely recognised by the state”. As most people will know, Vlade Divac was a brilliant keeper before he left for the States. Vlade’s work up at the stumps to wrist spin was an inspiration to young cricketers in Serbia.

Vlade Divac is still not convinced by the use of Duckworth Lewis in T20′s, but even he would have been impressed by cricket’s uber geek Frank Duckworth’s performance this week on the BBC quiz show University Challenge. UC is a show where Jeremy Paxman bullies kids who can’t remember answers to questions about which opera singers played polo while reworking greek tragedies. This week they had on former students and Duckworth’s team, the University of Liverpool, won the day. It was clear that Duckworth was the MOTM.

Aaron Finch, of Colac, changed the world this week when he hit the roof at the Dockland stadium in Melbourne and the Big Bash decided that from now on it would be a six, and not a dead ball like before. In some ways, his shot literally (not literally) took the roof off the Big Bash. Now we can all hope Finch can take down the FoxKopter with a ground to air missile.

Italics at the bottom

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Like Salman Khan, I also refuse to play in any celebrity cricket teams.

Gideon and I speak about Nathan Lyon’s Charlie Chaplin routine, quarantining t20s and calling for more tampering

You have to admire how Gideon and I decided not to make any jokes about Tasmanians having two heads when discussing the crowd in Tasmania.

We also discussed Nathan Lyon’s speed of movement.

There was some about Cricket Australia’s confused quarantine of T20.

And, surprisingly, we discuss Shane Watson and exactly how he wobbles.

Listen here.