Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 41

cricket news hurl: swollen fatherhood

The IPL tried to put a price tag on the priceless this week. Only $260,000 for Jesse Ryder? His wrists are worth more than that on their own. Glenn Maxwell went for $1 million. In what world is Jesse Ryder one-quarter of a Glenn Maxwell? Even accounting for the fact that Ryder is not a Victorian.

Yet despite all the dump trucks of cash the IPL earns, the Indian women’s team lacked professionalism and could not qualify for the Super Sixes of the Women’s World Cup. Many in powerful positions don’t consider women’s cricket a real form of cricket and the BCCI don’t embarrass easily.

A country as inspired by cricket (and as rich from it) should not be missing out on the Super Sixes stage of a tournament with a largely amateur set up. For the price of one Glenn Maxwell, India could become a powerhouse in women’s cricket. Mind you, they did lose to Sri Lanka, which is fast becoming the thing to do in women’s cricket.

Not that Suzie Bates’ New Zealand did. The Sri Lankans are capable of amazing feats, and abject failure. So far they have achieved both in this tournament, stunning England, falling down a hole against the Windies, embarrassing India, and getting beaten up by New Zealand.

Australia, on the other hand, are unbeaten in the World Cup, and they can thank the edge of Holly Colvin’s bat for that. Anya Shrubsole and Holly Colvin did that thing that makes TV executives cry pure tears of dollars, a 10th-wicket partnership that put on 31 of the 34 runs they needed. There is nothing like watching tail-enders score with ease to start with, before tightening up when they realise they should actually win.

Pakistan don’t have to worry about that at the moment. They were cut into tiny pieces by the world’s best bowling attack. Even Dale Steyn, who hasn’t needed to take a top-order wicket in over a year, thought he’d sharpen his blades on a batting line up that played the new ball like it was a robot killing machine.

Shane Watson also came back into the side, and back into form, and beat the Windies around the head in a pointless ODI series. Kieron Pollard responded by hitting a brilliant hundred and putting a stump down his pants. But the series was over before it started, and perhaps the only entertaining thing has been the sledging match between Chris Gayle and James Faulkner, which moved into the digital world when Glenn Maxwell talked about it on twitter. I like the idea of players continuing to sledge each other on twitter, but like I’ve always said, what happens on social media, should stay on social media.

Praveen Kumar keeps his aggression on the field. Umpires in his Corporate Trophy match have deemed him mentally unfit, after his screaming, chest bumping and headbutting an opposition player who dared to enquire if one of his deliveries was a no ball. In real life, screaming and headbutting is not nice behaviour, but in a fast bowler (even one as slow as Kumar) it’s pretty normal.

Another normal is former Australian cricketers coming out with their own opinions and manifestos on the state of Australian cricket. Shane Warne at first, then Jeff Thomson, and now Warwick Todd. Todd, a flighty middle order player in the late 90s who has been quiet of recent years, was moved by the current state of Australian cricket to come up with his improvements:

CEO of cricket or GM: Steve Waugh

Boss man, cricket supremo. The coach, captain and support staff are answerable to Tugga. And Tugga is answerable to no one, except major sponsors and/or David Gyngell.

Coach: Arjuna Ranatunga

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think a coach is not needed at the top level of our game. It’s a stupid, pointless role, suitable only for a complete loser. Arjuna’s got what it takes.

Fitness Coach: Greg Ritchie

Fat Cat’s form in this area speaks for itself. And it may be a big role but this is a bloke who has always been prepared to bite off more than he can chew.

Drugs in sport.

I have no time for cheats who use drugs. I believe in the natural high that comes from representing your country, or half a dozen Crown lagers.

Todd’s great mate and kindred spirit, Darren Lehmann, has told potential father Chris Lynn to put his fatherhood before his cricket. Now, if you are a man, and you are eating, put the food down. Lynn was hit in the testicles by Doug Bollinger, and usually all that means is a few laughs and bad taste slo-mos. Unfortunately, Lynn’s testicle did not recover after some stretches. It then did not recover even after a needle was put in to drain the fluid (glad you put your food down now, aren’t you).

“The swelling just kept on getting worse and worse. I had it drained with a needle and it went back to normal but then the swelling started again.” There is no slo-mo footage of the needle being inserted. Thankfully. Lynn will potentially miss the rest of the season as he’s having an operation of which I gladly know none of the details.

There is a picture of a man holding two balls in a story from Queensland that has nothing to do with Chris Lynn. It’s because Rhys Yorke took two hat tricks in two days.

You’re probably thinking this guy is the bestest bowler ever, but, like everything in Australian cricket at the moment, the amazing event was turned into a rant on how bad Australian cricket is by the first comment on the story. Disgruntled Valleys player of Brisbane North said: “I was his second wicket on the Sunday, I’ve never faced a slower opening bowler in my life!! Can’t believe he took two, the state of grade cricket is surely diminishing.”

Rhys Yorke, unlike Jesse and Glenn, went unclaimed at the IPL auction. Chris Morris went for $625,000, despite only seven people having heard of him before. That makes it sound like the IPL is printing its own money, and for the BCCI, it might be, but the Kochi franchise still haven’t paid money to players from last year’s IPL and Rajasthan has been hit with an $18.8m tax bill. It’s not all sunshine and happiness in the world’s biggest domestic tournament.

With the women’s team struggling, the men’s team losing ODIs against England and Kane Richardson taking back a sack of cash, things in Indian cricket are just not that right at the moment. Luckily, there is a solution: Mohammad Azharuddin has said he would love to take up a coaching position with India. I really can’t see any valid reason why the BCCI wouldn’t want him as coach.

As for Pakistan’s premier league, the Pakistan Super League, it has been postponed indefinitely. They have had plenty of interest, they say. Coincidentally, that is what I say when people ask how my screenplay of Godzilla vs the Zombies is going. It is rumoured that the boxer Amir Khan wants to buy a franchise. Luckily for him he now has a fair bit of time to find the money to do so. It was supposed to be from 26 March to 7 April. It is now TBA.

In a London warehouse an 8-a-side company cricket tournament did go ahead. In one side, players of many countries were involved in an inter-racial, inter-sex indoor cricket team. Jonathan Campion explains his team here

“I had a month to teach three Russians, a Ukrainian, a Bulgarian, a Slovenian and a Vietnamese – four lads and three ladies, none of whom had ever played before – how to bat, bowl and field. Finding time to practice together was difficult (I am surely the first captain to cancel a net because my best bowler was in Magnitogorsk), but three lunchtimes a week I took a Kwik Cricket set to London’s Regent’s Park, and made everyone try each of the skills. My teammates’ enthusiasm never wilted: Anglophiles all, they threw themselves into the challenge of a complicated English game.”

Unfortunately they did not win their competition, but the players did say after the tournament that the loss was a wake-up call, and by almost winning their last game they feel they have the momentum for the next series.

Victoria needed no momentum to defeat the England Lions this week. Rob Quiney was awesome. Because Rob Quiney is awesome.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. You can now continue eating your food.

49 is par for Pakistan with Osman Samiuddin

Pakistan played against South Africa.

South Africa played with Pakistan.

Umar Gul is like Monty, or Mitchell, but not Dale or Jimmy.

The PSL is being run by a Salmon Butt.

All this is being discussed between me and Pakistani sex kitten Osman Samiuddin.

Listen here.

Warne’s muppets with Gideon Haigh

What is a warniefesto?

How important is the Allan Border medal?

Which muppet is John Inverarity?

What is a Steve Smith?

Who’s pet has Steve O’Keefe run over?

Find out answers to this and potentially other things right here.

cricket news hurl: meeting cricket’s power couple

There was probably a time last weekend when you started crying uncontrollably; you didn’t know why, it just hit you. A tsunami of human emotion just swept your body into a cave of dark thoughts. I suppose to divert yourself from your terrible mood, you go searching for your smart phone, and then staring you straight in the face is the news that affected you so much.

Jesse Ryder has decided not to come back to international cricket. He and his people have suggested that, given that he is only seven months into his planned 12 month sabbatical, he should continue his personal goal development.

Cricket will have to wait for its world to be complete, as will you and I.

The South African summer, which so far has had a Jesse Ryder shaped hole in it, tried to fill that gap with a very important Test series against the Pakistanis. Pakistan’s keeper Sarfraz Ahmed is a Hafiz Quran, which means that he has completely memorized the Quran. I have memorized every line of dialogue from Robocop 2. In South Africa, you can only see Sarfraz play if you have SuperSport, as SABC are still fighting with CSA over, well, who cares, just put the cricket on. Instead of the cricket, SABC have got Takeshi’s Castle on. While I would never diss anyone in Battle Royale, I think even Beat Takeshi would prefer to watch Misbah-ul-Haq than his own show.

Something that people have loved watching on YouTube is the Australia-Sri Lanka handshake argument at the end of Sri Lanka’s 2-0 T20 win. It came about when Glenn Maxwell complained that the Sri Lankans were taking too long to bowl the last ball, which he missed, giving Sri Lanka the victory. Then during the handshakes, Mahela Jayawardene clashed with David Warner and Matthew Wade. It was by far the most memorable moment in the series.

West Indies wanted their ODI series to be remembered, so in their first game they were bowled out for 70. People always remember tragic collapses, and it does seem to be the summer of the ODI collapse in Australia. Hopefully the same thing will happen during the 2015 Men’s World Cup.

In the current Women’s World Cup, Suzie Bates and the Kiwis have smashed the face off South Africa. The West Indies team of Deandra Dottin and Staphanie Taylor couldn’t beat India. Australia did for Pakistan with ease. But really, it’s all about Sri Lanka beating England.

Dilani Surangika is the Sri Lanka wicketkeeper. In her career she has batted in every slot from Nos. 3-11. She has never made a 50. She had never hit a six. She was batting at No. 10 against England. On the last ball of the game, she hit a six. Winning the game for her team. That was the first time Sri Lanka had ever beaten England. It was fun.

It also took some attention from some of the bad aspects of the Women’s World Cup, like the fact that the Pakistani team has to stay in the Barabati Stadium. This makes it sound like they were on bunk beds in the groundsmen’s hut, when they are actually in the academy section with normal hotel service. But the point still remains that one of the teams has to stay in the ground because of security, and that isn’t good enough.

Even during the men’s cricket, women have been stealing the limelight. As the England men defeated India at Dharamsala, Jodie Underhill, an English woman, and her crew were cleaning up the stands. Jodie is known as “the Garbage Girl” and makes sure that the stadium doesn’t get trashed. England also cleaned up the stadium by not bowling Jade Dernbach.

In Australia, WAToday are reporting that some cricket fans put an ad on gumtree for beer wenches to bring them booze at the WACA, so they wouldn’t miss any cricket. The ad said, “You will be required to line up and purchase drinks drinks [sic] for us for the duration of the cricket.” While wearing a proper pervy beer wench costume. They told WAToday: “We wanted just anyone, just fun sheilas having a laugh and happy to get us beer all day.” They also admitted: “I suppose looks come into play.” Yes, I suppose. The good news is that 12% of readers of the article thought it was a sexist and demeaning thing to do.

At the WACA ODI against West Indies, they won’t be able to see David Warner, as Mitchell Johnson has injured his thumb. This means that Eddie Cowan and Shane Watson may end up opening with each other in India. Considering Watson has made several claims for Cowan’s spot in the media, and Cowan has fired back, they make a cute opening pair.

Cricket’s power couple, MS Dhoni and N Srinivasan, have become even closer. Dhoni is the captain of Srinivasan’s India, captain of Srinivasan’s Superkings, and now has been named as Vice-President of Srinivasan’s India Cements. Has there ever been a relationship as close as Srini and MS.

Can you imagine Giles Clarke giving Alastair Cook the vice-presidency to his coffee shop chain, Boston Tea Party? Would Upali Dharmadasa bring Angelo Mathews in as assistant to the travelling secretary of his timber company? Would Wally Edwards make Michael Clarke his executive gardener? It’s doubtful. This is a special relationship. As a selector you can drop a player, but you can’t drop the boss’s special, special, special friend. We’re going to have to come up with a Brangelina type name for them; my wife suggested Dhonivasan, but I like Dhonisan or Srhoni.

Through their efforts, Srhoni have had a fair bit to do with the IPL. The Bangladesh Premier League needs people like them. Instead the BPL might have no one left at all as Tim May (“We didn’t say this might happen. We said it would happen”) suggested there may be a player boycott over unpaid fees. The BCB president said that Owais Shah gave them incorrect bank details. And he did – but considering there are many, many players who have not been paid, incorrect bank details is probably not the only problem.

The Pakistan Super League is claiming that they have already signed up 50 foreign players. Of what quality those players are, who the hell knows. Phil Mustard has come forward saying he is willing to play if he gets the top payment of US$100,000. “I’d like to think that over the two weeks I could make a name for myself,” he said, although, if your name is Mustard, you don’t really need to make a name for yourself.

Mustard already plays T20 in England, Bangladesh, New Zealand, and Zimbabwe, because domestic T20 leagues are everywhere. And domestic T20 leagues were the most important news story this week. You may not have seen it, but in a move that could save international cricket for the future, the ICC has a working party looking at finding slots for domestic tournaments like the IPL, so that players won’t have to choose between international cricket and T20 cheques.

Cricket administrators get a lot of flack from, well, me and others, but this is a move that could ensure that cricket makes the most from T20 while keeping the importance of international competition.

It will also give players the chance to make some real money. With that money they could buy a 24.4-metre sportsfisherman motor yacht. According to my new favourite website, boatinternational.com, for the bargain price of US$2.6M you can afford the boat. The boat is called “Cricket”.

One cricketer who can afford a 24.4m motor yacht is Shane Warne. But instead of buying frivolous things, he spends his time blogging and tweeting. He started the week essentially calling Pat Howard, Australia’s GM of Team Performance, a muppet. And then finished the week with a bizarre Warniefesto of how his close personal friends could all work in various key positions for Australia and be better than the people in them.

Warne clearly lives in a multiverse in which the rest of us don’t. Unfortunately in our universe his idea will never work. But it did put Michael Clarke in an interesting position of having to be nice to his mate, whilst standing up for his GM, saying “everybody’s entitled to their opinion” about Warne, and, in the next breath, “Pat Howard has been doing a fantastic job.” Meanwhile, I bet Shane Warne’s blog got a few hits.

Unlike Warne, Sanath Jayasuriya has gotten his hands dirty by taking a new job. Apparently thinking that he wasn’t getting enough bad press by being a politician, he’s now added another job that makes people hate you: chairman of selectors. On the selection committee is also Hashan Tillakaratne. Tillakaratne Dilshan named himself after Hashan, which, it turns out, could be a brilliant career move. No one is going to drop a player who named himself after them.

Glenn Maxwell, whose nickname “the Big Show” came about because of how much he looks like American wrestler Paul Wight, made 51 opening the batting for Australia against West Indies. Maxwell is Victorian.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Please donate to the BCCI, who have now decided to expand their 500-foot high gold statue of Srinivasan to include Dhoni attached at the hip.

A disgrace no more

Outside of the semi-professional ranks of England, Australia and New Zealand, women’s cricket is a disgrace. Almost every team is a minnow.

South Africa should be disgusted at the lack of funds and professionalism its women team has. India is allowing its women’s cricket to dry up. West Indies have only started taking it seriously since two players showed talent. Pakistan should be promoting heroes in all walks of life. And when we are constantly told that Bangladesh is cricket crazy, where are their women?

The ICC hasn’t been good enough on this either.

Paying the women less per diems at the World Twenty20 was wrong, and sent a terrible message. The organisation of this tournament has been amateur. And why hasn’t the ICC forced all countries to turn their women’s teams into professional outfits. No Test playing nation should receive any revenue from ICC tournaments if they do not intend to use at least five percent of it on women’s cricket.

It’s 2013, and this is a billion-dollar game. The Women’s World Cup is being transmitted around the world, these women deserve to be paid and treated like professional athletes. And if you want to know the difference between amateur women’s cricket, and professional women’s cricket, you just have to watch a replay of Sri Lanka’s win over England.

In the last World Cup, the Sri Lankan women were horrible. They looked like a club team that had been cobbled together and told to play in a World Cup for their country.

Someone in the Sri Lankan government must have been embarrassed by that.

You won’t get a bigger critic of the Sri Lankan government’s treatment of cricket. They approve the selections, place old politicians in the teams, and have generally held back Sri Lankan cricket on and off the field with their own politics. But, one of them also made the decision that today, led to their women winning their first ever match against England, the World Champions.

That decision was to move women’s cricketers into the armed forces. Allowing them to dedicate their entire working life to becoming better cricketers. Today the proof was right on the screen.

The Sri Lankan team were chasing 239, their openers built a foundation, one hitting, the other blocking. They gave their middle order a chance, and then at No. 7 a woman Eshani Kaushalya came in and took seven balls to get off the mark. At first I thought she was out of her depth. I thought that perhaps Sri Lanka had a few decent top-order players and their middle order had nothing.

Then Kaushalya hit out. She took the spinners back over their heads, she slogged when she had to, and much like when Kevin O’Brien slogged the men’s team, the England women completely lost the plot.

England were never supposed to be in a competitive game. They were playing a minnow. Just turning out and executing their skill sets, as the cricketers say, would be enough. Now they were being slogged around the park by a middle-order Sri Lankan with an average of 15, with one fifty to her name and two sixes in her 47 match career.

England’s cricket world collapsed. The English girls usually field like hawks, now they were fielding like a Sunday pub side. Jenny Gunn is usually frugal and hard to get away; she was tossing up dribble ball after ball. Elwiss dropped a catch that she’s taken in fielding practice 10,000 times.

Earlier on the Sri Lankan girls would have hoped for a plucky display and some sort of moral victory that they weren’t minnows anymore. Instead they crashed into the last over needing nine runs to win.

The last over was amazing.

Starting with a single to short fine leg to Surangika, Sri Lanka needed eight to win from five balls, and Kaushalya was on 49 from 39 balls.

Instead of showing any nerves, Kaushalya smacked a six over square leg. She celebrated like she had won the game, when in fact they still needed two from four.

The next ball Kaushalya tried to do the same thing, but hit it straight up in the air. The ball took a while to come down, and while it did, Kaushalya was smart enough to remain in Elwiss’ eyeline as she was about to take the chance that could have won England the game. Instead, she dropped it.

England briefly complained that Kaushalya had obstructed the field, but the replays showed Kaushalya had played it brilliantly, running off the pitch and in the general direction of Elwiss without ever actually getting in her way. Genius cricket, and tieing the scores.

The next ball she was run out when Surangika smacked the ball straight to mid-off, and Kaushalya ran, and Surangika did not. England had enough of their composure left to complete the run-out with ease.

Now Sri Lanka were nine wickets down – the scores were tied – and Surangika, the Sri Lankan keeper who has batted in every position from 3-11, had to score one run for victory off the last two balls.

She smacked the penultimate ball straight to point, no run. Instead of coming down to chat to her partner, she walked off to square leg to get rid of her frustration.

Now the game was set up perfectly. Underdogs up against the powerhouse of their sport, the reigning champions. Nine wickets down. Scores tied. A game televised around the world.

Surangika dealt with that by hitting a six. Her first ever international six. To win the first ever game against England for her country.

It was not an exciting game of women’s cricket, it was exciting cricket. It was about as far from a disgrace as you can get.

Warne’s Simple Plan

“Cricket is a simple game

.”

Shane Warne, 2013.

No, it really isn’t. It’s probably one of the most complicated games ever invented. It has an infinite amount of strategies involved in it. It combines chess, golf and psychological torture, is physically unnatural and is played on a surface that lives, breathes and changes.

I doubt many people tell Shane Warne he is wrong on matters of cricket. The man is a legend, has the arrogance of 12 heavyweight champions, and over 700 Test wickets to back it up. When it comes to cricket strategy, his brain is a sentient supercomputer.

So when he writes a review of Australian Cricket, you’d be a fool to not at least look at it.

The problem is, Shane Warne is not a super tactician off the field. As he as spent the best part of the past twenty years proving to us.

He’s good, he won the first IPL for Rajasthan with canny captaincy, bargain basement picks and himself as el supremo. But three IPLs and two Big Bashes later, Rajasthan have never been in the final (or even the semi-finals), and the Melbourne Stars have not qualified for the Champions League.

Considering that Warne plays outside the salary cap, the Stars have a $700,000 head start on every other Big Bash team. Forget that it makes the competition fundamentally unfair – even with that advantage the Stars have not set the competition alight.

Of course Warne is not the dictator of these teams. He is however, often the captain, coach, cheerleader, GM and most important person at both teams. If you are a new franchise, and you buy Warne, you are not buying 4 overs of leg spin a match. You are buying a way of cricket.

Warne is much like the charismatic millionaire self-help guru. His plans work for him, and will work for you too. Forgetting that the people that read his suggestions and follow his advice have one fatal flaw. They aren’t Shane Warne.

His review of Australian cricket is nice, and it’s definitely not always wrong, but the Australian team is not a franchise that he can sway by his talent or his personality.

His review can be boiled down into two key points.

1) The people he likes would do a far better job than the current lot.

2) Cricket people with smarts and international experience are the only answer.

The first point is best ignored. Warne is nicer to his friends than any many alive. And him selecting a crew of his old playing or drinking buddies is what he does. It wasn’t that long ago he picked Darren Berry in a list of the best 50 cricketers he ever played with or against. Even as Darren Berry’s biggest fan I find that a big call.

More importantly, every single name Warne has used is a former international cricketer. It’s not an accident. Warne trusts people who have been to the top. He’s not the only one; Justin Langer’s run as batting coach coincided with the Australian batting line up failing at every turn. Now, you can’t just blame him for that, but if it wasn’t Langer in the job, and some computer batting guru, the fans and press would have wanted his head. Instead, Langer was promoted.

Personally I think the best person should get the job, not just the best person who happened to be the most talented 5, 10, 15 years before. A lifetime of watching films has told me that some actors become brilliant directors, and some actors direct stinkers.

But we’re talking cricket here, not film, and definitely not rugby (in Australian cricket the word rugby is now substituted for Pat Howard at all times). Cricket is like nothing else on earth, so only cricket people can get it. People who live, breathe and taste cricket. People with cricket brains.

The cricket brain is a special thing. You only had to see Taylor, Boof or Flem out there at their best to know that an instinctive cricket brain is a majestic dragon that cannot be replicated by computers or research.

So is there a lack of cricket brains in the Australian set up?

Mickey Arthur played 110 first class matches, and averaged 33 with the bat. Players like that only make it if they have pictures of their selector in a compromising position, or are really smart. John Inverarity only played 6 Tests, yet they way people talk about how he went about his cricket, it wouldn’t surprise me if his cricket brain ends up in the National Sporting Museum at the MCG.

Yet they aren’t on Warne’s list. Warne either doesn’t like their cricket brain (his quote about how to select the captains may suggest this), or he thinks they’re doing a bad job.

Have their performances been so bad? Is the Australian team in the hands of the rugby guy, the professor and the overseas coach been so bad that we need an urgent review, two years after the last one?

According to Warne, yes, “The current set up is not working, as the results are showing! What are our world rankings in all forms?”

When the Argus report came out, Australia were ranked 5th in the world with a rating of 100. They are now ranked third in the world with a rating of 117. That’s a direct improvement under the Clarke, Arthur, Inverarity and rugby regime

Not even Warne could say with a straight face that the rankings of ODI and T20 are a proper representation of where you are as a cricket team. Since Argus, Australia has played in one ICC tournament. They lost in the semi-finals to the team that won.

In Tests they’ve been up and down. They drew with New Zealand at home, beat the West Indies away, beat Sri Lanka home and away, beat India at home, drew with South Africa away and pushed them before losing at home. It’s not popping corks time, but it’s not bad for a team in transition.

When the Argus report came out, Australia were ranked 5th in the world with a rating of 100. They are now ranked third in the world with a rating of 117.

That’s a direct improvement under the Clarke, Arthur, Inverarity and rugby regime.

Not that they couldn’t do better, and even be helped by some of Warne’s people. But from the outside, it doesn’t appear like it did two years ago when there was obviously something very wrong with Australian cricket.

Right now it appears like a lot of fairly intelligent cricket people, and one rugby guy, moving Australia forward. They make mistakes, but Stephen Fleming made mistakes too, even if he did it with nonchalant, silky charm.

Cricket brains and ex-players are very important, but they are not the answer to everything. For instance, after 150 years of organised cricket, with the many champions and genius cricket brains that have graced the game, we still don’t have an effective training technique for improving running between the wickets.

If cricket were simple, we may have worked that one out by now.

Jessie’s non-comeback

Aaron Klee is Jesse Ryder’s manager. That is not like being Mike Hussey or AB de Villiers’ manager. It comes with special tasks. This week he had to write a detailed e-mail explaining why one of the most talented batsman ever born in New Zealand, who has been picking up domestic attacks and tossing them like chicken wings, won’t be coming back to international cricket.

“What?

Jesse has decided that he’s not ready to return to the Blackcaps yet.”

No, no, no, no, no, hell, no. Come on. He must be ready, there’s not an inch of New Zealand he hasn’t flayed a cricket ball to. Mothra wouldn’t be able to cause this much destruction.

“Why?

Jesse is committed to seeing through the plan that has so far been successful.”

This is a T20 world, so this Test match solution to Jesse’s problems seems historic. Surely after one good performance and no off-field indiscretions in three days he should have been out there in the next few days. Time is money, people.

“When will he return?

No decisions have been made on that. It would not be appropriate to try and put a date on a return to the Blackcaps.”

That seems intentionally vague, it’s like saying when the stream runs dry, or on a Tuesday. We need something firm, well I do, so I can plan the first annual Jesse Ryder day. A day when Jessophiles from around the world can meet and wear bandanas as they recreate their favourite innings.

“Does he want to play for the Blackcaps?

Yes. Jesse has remained committed to NZC all the way through.”

Can’t help but notice that Aaron forgot to capitalise BLACKCAPS the way NZC do. Now this could have been an error on his part, or he might be actually be slipping a message, something to the more perceptive of us. The NZC is broken, perhaps. Or capital letters are a stupid idea.

“Will he be available for the tour to England?

Jesse wants to keep to his original plan and the decision to take 12 months out of international cricket. That decision was made last June, so it is unlikely that he will deviate from his plan.”

What is it with cricketers and their milestones. A well-played seven months is just as helpful in the right conditions as a solid 12 months. The New Zealand team might have the world’s best BJ Watling, but a BJ Watling only gets you so far, they need Jesse, we all do.

“Will he play in the IPL?

Jesse’s name is on the auction list. We don’t know if he will be picked up or not.”

Oh, he’ll be picked. Right now there are airline moguls doing overtime, Bollywood actors shooting breakfast cereal ads and Indian conglomerates selling off subsidiaries just to afford him. They want/need him in the IPL. They’re only human.

“Is he going to play county cricket?

Don’t know. There are opportunities to play T20 but no plans have been made”

As a person who lives in the UK, I would personally prefer for Ryder to come to the county cricket. I am sure the ECB would also want Jesse in county cricket. It is what the English domestic game needs, a big-swinging marquee player.

“Is his decision based on the recent issues with the captaincy?

No.”

I see that Klee did not rule out a Jesse run for the leadership. It is possible that all this leaving the game was just a tactic from Jesse to let the team eat itself and then for him to stroll back as captain. Come on, there isn’t a part of you who doesn’t want to see Jesse as New Zealand captain.

“Why is he announcing this before the meeting on Tuesday?

The meeting was never about selection or availability.”

The way things get confused at NZC, he was probably just trying to make sure he wasn’t going to be sacked by accident.

“Why isn’t he just playing T20 given his form for Wellington in the HRV Cup?

Whilst he was awesome for the Firebirds, there are still things he wants to work on. “

He is awesome.

“What are the personal goals he wants to work on?

These are private and will remain so.”

I bet at least one of his goals is improving his mad DJing skillz.

So it’s not good news. Not yet. But seven months ago when Jesse walked away from international cricket it wasn’t even clear if he’d ever come back, or even find his old magic.

Since then he has won a boxing match, stayed out of trouble and made a hell of a bunch of runs. The most important thing is him working on his personal stuff and making sure that if he ever does come back, he stays back.

Or if he doesn’t ever come back to international cricket, that he’s ok with that too.

We can wait, Jesse.

Cricket news hurl: magic pixie rain stops play

Sure it was only a pointless three-match ODI series against a team missing Philander, Amla, De Villiers and Steyn. But the Kiwis won it. And they did it missing JESSE RYDER. That’s like running a marathon without your heart, lungs and quadriceps.

They were also missing Taylor, Vettori, Southee and Ronchi. I mean, they don’t even know what Ronchi is yet. Yet, they beat what was left of South Africa without them. Look, it’s the first win of their entire existence in South Africa, I don’t care if they were playing an entire team of Derek Crookes and Nicky Bojes, this is a big deal for New Zealand. New Zealand are roadkill in South Africa, they only go over because people make them. But they won, and that was great.

If I was a rich Kiwi, I would have hired kids to walk the streets yelling: “Extra! Extra! The Blackcaps win in South Africa! I know, weird isn’t it?” They’ve created an amazing historic event in an ODI series people forgot as they were watching it. Mike Hesson should have a Peter Jackson film named after him. Not bad taste.

England were hoping to continue their historic trip to India, but their Christmas holiday and constant informed player rotation left them a few players short of beating India. India might currently play Test Cricket like it’s a badly translated version of Waiting for Godot in Mandarin, but they’re OK in ODI still. England’s ODI tour was best summed up when KP was reprimanded in a toilet by the ICC. As Ashley Giles said: “It was just a little word.”

No reprimand was needed for the Australian Women’s team who some might say found the true spirit of cricket when Kiwi Nicola Browne, was knocked over by a shot from her team mate Amy Satterthwaite. While Browne was down, the Aussies took the bails off. It was brilliant cricket from the Aussies, who refused to be put off by the theatrics of a fallen batsman. I was proud to be Australian when I heard it. Unfortunately the World T20 winning captain Jodie Fields recalled Browne.

Upul Tharanga was so sick of Phil Hughes making hundreds and drawing the series that he did something stupid on twitter. It seems that the account @Upul_Tharanga misunderstood a tweet from fan @SidathSam and sent him a direct message that was fairly clear and concise: “U fuck u bitch fucken cunt”. The Sri Lankan allrounder @farveezmaharoof confirmed the twitter account was legit. Later on @Upul_Tharanga was shut down. Probably around the same time everyone was tweeting the image of the direct message.

Sri Lanka may have won the series had it not been for a bizarre rain cloud which delivered what is known scientifically as ‘magic pixie lightest rain ever that sticks to grass for longer than normal rain’. The rain was so special that even the rope that usually mops up every single bit of moisture couldn’t stop it. ‘Magic pixie lightest rain ever that sticks to grass for longer than normal rain’ is very light, and instead of settling into the turf, it stays on the grass just long enough for Javagal Srinath to decide that the conditions are unfair. I always thought the point of cricket was to be unfair.

While the ‘magic pixie lightest rain ever that sticks to grass for longer than normal rain’ may have harmed the chances of the Sri Lankans, it gave the SCG the chance to put together something truly special, and worthy of the high regard commentators have for the ground: a 175-metre beer snake. To put that in perspective, that’s almost the length of Shoaib Akhtar’s run up.

Beersnakes are usually stunted by overly-cautious people trying to stop the fun, which is essentially what Haroon Lorgat has accused FICA, the players’ union, of doing. Haroon Lorgat thinks that FICA suggesting that players don’t turn up to the Pakistani Super League might mean it is not a success. It probably does, but probably not as much as the images of automatic gunfire or the tales of injuries and near-death experiences from Sri Lanka’s tour there. FICA suggested that security in Pakistan was unmanageable, which sounds like what most coaches have probably said about Shahid Afridi in the past.

The PCB are trying to make it as attractive as possible. They’re offering players tax free cash and an insurance policy of up to 2 million bucks. An insurance policy is nice, but it also reminds you of the danger of touring Pakistan. That said, you do get to play in a super league, so it’s worth it.

What is super is that the PCB have decided to give 19 blind cricketers contracts as professional cricketers. It’s easy to make fun of cricket boards, and the PCB generally write the punch lines themselves, but this is a great move from a board which is not exactly flush with cash.

The Pakistani women’s team had enough trouble just staying in the Women’s World Cup last week. Now, six days before the Women’s World Cup starts, the ICC have confirmed where the matches will be played. Sorry, that should have read, “Now, a whole six days before the start of the Women’s World Cup, the ICC have confirmed where the matches will be played”. Wankhede pulled out of the tournament when someone realized they could make much more money charging people to come in and watch Sachin play Ranji Trophy.

It’s pretty ordinary that the ICC can wait until six days before the tournament to settle on a schedule. Of course, it’s not the first time the ICC have treated the women less professionally than the men. In the World T20 the women received smaller per diems than the men. Considering the schedule and Pakistan problems, the players will probably just be happy if the tournament starts at all.

For the USA cricketers, having a league that starts at all would be a massive achievement. Their proposed (as it may always be known) professional Twenty20 league has been delayed until 2014. That should be the worst news of the week for USACA, but the twice-suspended cricket board now has a potential rival. The American Cricket Foundation looks as if within a few weeks it could have more member leagues than USACA, and given USACA’s tragic mismanagement of cricket, the ICC might look to the ACF.

One player who would appear in a T20 league in America, no matter who was organising it, is Brad Hodge. But while he is currently scoring over 5000 T20 domestic runs in the BPL, he’s announced his intention to make an Ashes comeback bid, which could mean he will retire from controversial statements about Australia’s selection policy. Hodge is currently retired from first-class cricket, but has obviously looked around Australian cricket and thinks he’s a chance. If he comes back, he has three Shield games with Victoria to prove himself. His 147 first-class matches for Victoria earned him six Tests, so it’s doubtful these three will add to that.

Hodge plays for the Melbourne Stars, but used to play for the Melbourne Renegades. Stars’ Cameron White said this week that people don’t like Renegades’ Marlon Samuels. Marlon Samuels said this week: “I am the legend now”. Marlon wins that one.

White has left the Big Bash nonsense behind him now, and is intent on winning the shield for Victoria. This week he did that by picking three legspinners (if you count him, which I do for this sentence) in the 12-man squad for their comeback game. James Muirhead was the second one, and everyone’s favourite Pakistani Victorian, Fawad Ahmed, had to miss out. Not because he isn’t great, but because three leggies in one eleven is too much awesomeness for the world to handle.

Victoria won the first–innings points, because that’s what they do. Lankan slayer Phil Hughes made runs, and Chadd (that’s not a typo, there really are two Ds) Sayers took six wickets.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. I am the legend now. I am the legend now. I am the legend now. I am the legend now. I am the legend now. </blockquote>

Exonerating the legend: with Gideon Haigh

Have you ever thought about what the Justin Langer culture might be?

No, probably for the best.

Here you can join G-Dawg mid rant about Samuels as we begin.

There is also talking about a great new phrase that is taking over cricket, “not ideal”.

And how a team can all play bad shots one after another without anyone seemingly learning.

It’s here, ear it good.

An army of Gavin Larsens chokes South Africa: with Iain O’Brien

A depleted kiwi side beat a depleted saffa side as two other limited over series are played out.

But, if you don’t listen you won’t hear what I think of Mitchell McClenaghan’s face.

And you also won’t hear IOB expose the bombshell text he received from Shane Bond.

PLus, we say the word choke, and everyone loves that.

Listen hard.