Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 37

South Africa’s parody

The Book of Mormon is a musical parody of the Mormon Church. It takes apart the church block by block in an amusing and intelligent way as people swear, dance and sing. The crowd love it.

South Africa’s batting display was a parody of South Africa. It was neither amusing nor intelligent, and made people swear. But it was a different kind of parody, one that was to imitate feebly. The South African crowd did not love it.

The shots were a collection of comedy worsts that should be part of a Father’s Day DVD in the near future. Leaving and being caught behind. Swiping across a straight one. Wildly swinging at a wide one. Cutting a full one. Stumping yourself by slip. And whatever Faf du Plessis’s shot was.

JP Duminy faced 11 balls. It seemed like he was dismissed on everyone one of them. At once stage every single South African batsman decided every single straight ball should be hit to the leg side with the bat faced closed off. It was madness. Horrible disgusting putrid madness.

But even this madness should be evaluated. The shots were so poor, random and odd it is hard to even take them seriously. But their thinking, which wasn’t under pressure but would have been thought out of sober analysis and pre-planning, was just as bad.

The repeated assertion that Colin Ingram couldn’t open died down a bit when he actually made 73 against West Indies. But it doesn’t change the fact that he is a makeshift opener with a first class average of 34.45 taking on a Test bowling attack in a must-win match. It’s not solid thinking. Ingram has been a success down the order and South Africa have a spare opener in the squad. With Alviro Petersen making runs in county cricket, opening with Ingram seems like a risk you don’t need to take.

Then to back him up with Robin Peterson, who has batted in the top order six times in 72 matches is actually insane. Why back up a makeshift opener with a makeshift No. 3? The ball is moving, you have proper Test hundred scorers in your line up, and England are already on top with an early wicket. That Peterson spent any time at the wicket was a testament to what a strong gutsy cricketer he is. That he was eventually out when James Anderson bowled four straight outswingers and then one that didn’t was not a surprise, he did well to last that long.

To back up Colin Ingram with Robin Peterson, was insane. Why back up a makeshift opener with a makeshift No. 3.

In the place of Ingram and Peterson should be Graeme Smith and Jacques Kallis. You can’t replace them. Although if you are going to do so, adding a No. 9 at No. 3 and a makeshift opener is probably the worst way to try.

But this team still had class batsmen. Hashim Amla is a God who cover drives among us. JP Duminy averages over 40 in ODI cricket. Du Plessis has started his Test career like an alien monster in a bad mood. And AB de Villiers can do absolutely every-damn-thing, except write pop songs that aren’t overly emotive. They were all there. All batting in the middle of The Oval. Facing England. As their country was reduced to 80 for 8.

In the end, it was a T20 slogger with a first-class Average of 29.57, and a bowling allrounder who managed to delay the inevitable and ensure that the score was not so embarrassingly low that South African fans couldn’t see the number without vomiting in their mouth.

David Miller played the sort of innings he is unknown for, a composed international sensible knock. A man with none of the pedigree of the rest of his batsmen, and less of the technique, managed to play the right shots to the right ball. He did it on an incredibly flat pitch once the ball had stopped swinging. Mind you, had any of his team mates struck around, they could have done the same. The player who stuck with him was Rory Kleinveldt. Who as a batsman is solid, dependable, and bats much like any No. 10 in club sides the world over. He’s clunky and unromantic, but you can’t help but enjoy any success he has.

That partnership will help those two players. But it didn’t help the team at all. All it did was prolong their misery.

De Villiers tried everything he could in the field. Had it been allowed, he would have suggested his bowlers try fancy dress and had his fielders singing Duckworth-Lewis Method songs in falsetto. His first three overs were by Chris Morris, Peterson and Duminy. After 11 overs, he’d tried five bowlers. He was essentially throwing bowlers at a wall, hoping one would fall down and trip the English batsmen. Few did.

After the match Alastair Cook said South Africa didn’t choke, Gary Kirsten said they did. It doesn’t really matter; they don’t mark scorecards with choke or non-choke. If they did put random words on the scorecard, choke might be the most popular, but parody probably suits best. As whether it was in the satirical or imitating sense, that is what South Africa were doing today.

Australia’s Mission to Moscow

Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment was not as good as the original, but carried a few of the cast, some decent jokes, and had the recruits out on the streets fighting with Bobcat Goldthwait. Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow had pretty much nothing at all. It seems that just putting words Police Academy into the title couldn’t recreate any of the magic from the earlier films.

There was a feeling for a while that no matter which XI cricketers you put in the Australian team, it wouldn’t matter. Just having XI players playing for Australia would lift them to a devastating standard of cricket. They’d fight until the end, they’d come together, and they’d do their country proud. It was a myth. Propaganda. Australian hearts aren’t bigger than normal hearts. They don’t pump supernatural sporting blood.

This current team has mortal blood in them. That could not have been highlighted more than when Australia were one wicket down against Sri Lanka, and needed a match-winning partnership and their batsmen were Phillip Hughes and Glenn Maxwell.

Trumper and Hill. Ponsford and Bradman. Simpson and Chappell. Taylor and Boon. Hayden and Ponting. Australia have had some pretty special top orders. Hughes and Maxwell won’t be added to that list.

It is unfair to even mention them near that list. This is just an ODI. And an odd ODI where Australia had to chase the total in 29.1 overs to make the next stage of the tournament. It’s not the normal batting order, and unlike most of the combinations above, it’s not a Test match.

But if you wanted to see how far Australia had fallen, Maxwell running down the wicket like a madman and Hughes batting as though the inside edge was the middle of his bat were a pretty good example.

Hughes averages 44 in first-class cricket, and Maxwell 37. Both respectable for a young opener and a batting allrounder. But they’re not as impressive off paper.

Maxwell clearly has an amazing eye, and some confidence. Maxwell is a man who can flat-bat Lasith Malinga through mid-off for four. Contrary to popular thinking, and even if they were wrong, there is a reason he was a million dollar man in the IPL. But he does swing madly across the line in a way that makes you think he’s perhaps not a batsman, but a bowler with a good eye. The answer to any question in Australian cricket at the moment is Glenn Maxwell, and that is a concern.

The problem is that while Maxwell can make a good 30-odd in quick time, he doesn’t really think his way through innings. He had Sri Lanka hopping, he had them worrying, he’d already scored a boundary in the over against Malinga, he didn’t need to back away and expose his stumps to the one man in cricket who was most likely to hit them.

Hughes’ technique has been repaired more times than Shane Watson. Yet, every time it is repaired it comes back with a new fault. Even with that, it seems his biggest problem is his confidence. No amount of tweaking, coaching or manipulation of his technique can ever bring back the confidence he had when he was a young batsman. I doubt there is a bowler in world cricket who wouldn’t fancy himself with Hughes at the other end.

Hughes is a man who made back-to-back hundreds against Steyn, Ntini and Morkel. And yet faced with a fairly innocuous ball outside off stump he played a shot that could have only resulted in a caught behind, play and miss or, at best, a single to third man.

You could argue that Hughes is a weird pick for the ODI side, but his List A average is 48. You could argue that Maxwell is not an ODI No. 3, but the boy can pinch hit. There are reasons they are there. They’re not blokes Australia found on the street. They’re the best they can find.

The chase of 254 in 29.1 overs was never going to be easy, or even, all that possible.

But it’s not just that they didn’t make it, it’s just that they stopped four wickets down. Their fifth wicket was 11 runs off 27 balls as Mitchell Marsh scratched and Adam Voges consolidated. Only Matthew Wade from that point on made any attempt at the total they needed to make the semis.

Maybe it’s romantic and unrealistic, but it is likely previous Australian sides would have just kept running into the fire. Swinging away wildly. Chasing until there was no hope left. This team either didn’t have that in them, or couldn’t do it.

The main bit of fight they showed was a last wicket partnership that made Sri Lankan fans nervous for a while.

This has been a dodgy start for Australia’s summer in the UK. Their opening batsman is currently suspended. Their one superstar is still injured. They lost two and shared one in this tournament. Their team environment is not great. The only bright spot today was when Ricky Ponting was in their dressing room.

Unfortunately for Australia, Ponting was not coming back, he was just performing a walk on. The old cast aren’t getting back together. The old magic will not be regained. They are stuck with what they have.

The Australia one-day team is currently very close to Police Academy 7. There are a couple of faces you sort of know, and none are the quality of the originals. And just like Police Academy, as the series got worse, the more you saw of George “GW” Bailey, the legendary character actor.

It’s not the players’ fault. Unlike a film series, you can’t simply stop playing sport just because your team isn’t as good as it used to be.

India and Pakistan

During the last World Twenty20 I had a chat with a senior cricket writer who wanted to quit cricket. He had spent a long time writing about cricket, and just thought there were more important things he could have written about. For a minute, I argued the opposition. But the truth is, I could see his point.

I mean, what is writing about cricket really? It involves travelling to summer-drenched places (and England) and sitting in a usually comfortable glassed box where you are fed free food while writing about someone who is trying not to be hit by a bouncer so you don’t tap on your crumb-riddled keyboard that they have a weakness, before ignoring the next ball to look at a stream of tweets saying essentially the same thing.

That is probably cricket writing at its very worst.

At its best, well it’s still a lot of those things, but you get to see something that actually moves you. Something original. Something funny. Something horrific. Something that you love.

Yet, mid-tournament blues can still come in. The thought that this isn’t really that important. I could be writing about an animal that is being wiped out. An atrocity that people are ignoring. Or outing a businessman for pouring poison into a school playground. Instead I’m trying to work out how to write about Trott’s strike rate of 87 in a losing total for the 1743rd time.

A few days after my chat with the writer about cricket’s lack of importance, I was at the game that is often the most hyped, most underplayed and most important to cricket. India v Pakistan.

Australia and England might have been at it for longer, but really for most Aussies and Poms, the Ashes is just a thing that happens. I doubt many fans lose sleep over the result. Cricket is not the favourite sport in England; if it is in Australia, it’s by default. Australia and England are trade partners; they share Naomi Watts, Germaine Greer and the Bee Gees. You can travel between the two pretty easily. Australia has not attacked England, nor has England retaliated in quite some time. Individual groups based on political and religious beliefs do not plan to do the other country harm.

It’s great that the Ashes exists, and cricket is lucky to have it. But it’s of less and less cultural importance these days. Australia no longer see England as the mother country. Young Australians don’t flock over here to work. More and more Aussies have completely different mother countries. Mostly countries that have no interest in cricket at all. Cricket gets less important by the decade in English society. It’s seen by many as a posh sport; state schools don’t really play it. If your posh or Asian parents don’t introduce it, you’d have to find it by accident to get involved.

For many reasons, most blatantly obvious, the India-Pakistan series is far more important. It has more people involved. Many of those people do lose sleep over the result. Many take the matches incredibly seriously. It’s important. It’s not front-page news, it is the news.

An Indian fan recently told me that Imran Khan was overrated and Pakistan were a fourth-tier nation. It wasn’t sane. It was fanatical. It was India v Pakistan.

And I get it. I’m told by Asian fans I often don’t get the culture. That as a white man, I could never understand it. Of course these same fans tell me exactly what is wrong with England or Australia quite often. If I don’t understand it after six years of writing and fighting about cricket, I never will.

Let me explain the culture as I see it. Pakistan fans can handle losing a tournament, but not losing to India. Indian fans can handle losing a tournament, but not losing to Pakistan. That is not unique. There is barely a sport in the world without this rivalry. Collingwood wants to beat Carlton, the Lakers want to beat the Celtics, the Celtics want to beat the Rangers, Jennifer Jones wants to beat Kelly Scott, and Royal College wants to beat St Thomas’ College.

The next part is a mixture of personal history and nonsense. The final bit includes wars and weapons. It stems from ugliness. But you put it all together and you have the world’s most important sporting rivalry. And the only two teams that could completely reincarnate a dead rubber.

Yet, before the World Twenty20 match, I felt no extra excitement. I was merely on my way to another cricket match. I was jaded, tired, and bored of T20 matches I could barely remember the next day. Even with the crowd cramming in, and the game starting, I was still not excited.

Then I looked around. And suddenly I saw something amazing. Indians and Pakistanis cheering next to each other. Now I’ve been to a college basketball match that had a brawl. I’ve seen pictures of football fans ripping each other apart. And I once went to a suburban Aussie Rules game that ended when every supporter in the ground went onto the field.

And here I was with the world’s biggest sporting rivalry, between two countries that are in constant arguments. That have nuclear weapons as deterrents. That war, fight, scrap, blame, curse and mock each other all the time. And their fans were cheering like mad men or sulking like babies, a few feet from each other.

So I left the press box and went to watch the match.

Indian fans abuse Rohit. And Pakistan fans abuse Akmal and Malik. Suresh Raina shushed the crowd in a cheeky way, and even the Pakistanis loved him for it. I saw a Pakistani man dance with an Indian. And two Indian guys accidentally head-butt each other while dancing.

Fans from both countries abused me for being English; I never stopped to correct them.

Pakistani supporters stare mournfully at the screen for the longest time when their team does something really stupid. Indian fans will all turn in and discuss any bad moments like their conversation can help solve them. The Indian crowd will chant Sachin’s name even though he is not there. A Pakistani man without a Pakistan shirt on seems almost impossible.

No matter the shot, if it makes runs, it is awesome. People with face-paint are more likely to dance. People with wigs are more likely to scream. The mobile phone is an active member of the experience.

Pakistani fans will leave once the result is obvious, but for hours after the game they will roam the streets outside the stadium. Indian fans will cheer the TV interviews like it’s another boundary.

It was just another cricket match, and it wasn’t just another cricket match.

I loved it. Every second of it, even the bit where I was called English. Watching the fans, it felt like something. Like this game was actually needed. That it wasn’t just something that was happening, that it was happening for a reason. That it should be covered. That I should be there.

I wish they could play five-Test series in both countries all the time. I wish I could be at every India-Pakistan match. I wish every cricket match felt like this one. I wish the fans would have opportunities to troll each other every couple of months. I wish the conflict would end, but that the cricket passion never does.

Today I’ll head to Edgbaston jaded. But no matter how much this game doesn’t matter, this tournament doesn’t matter, and this format of cricket doesn’t matter, I know I’ll feel something. I’ll be glad I was there. I’ll cherish every moment of this contest. Probably even the rain breaks. I’ll leave my glass cocoon of comfort and stand among the fans. I’ll be glad I did.

This match, like all India-Pakistan matches, is important, because of the history, and because of the now. That they happen at all is a miracle. And I’m glad I get the chance to be at them. Especially as I’m a jaded white guy who doesn’t understand.

Pakistan’s pratfall

Pakistan can be such a romantic team. They’re essentially homeless. Have a giant. Are captained by a nice human piñata. Coached by an aged cherub. Have a yoda-like spinner. The Jamshed. And, as always, have a quality kit.

But, they’ve lost three from three.

It’s hard to fault their bowlers. It’s easy, and utterly correct, to blame their batsmen.

It’s hard to see how Imran Farhat would play in any other team in this tournament. Or even for Ireland, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh or Japan. Yet he played twice. TWICE. Mohammad Hafeez faced 61 balls, had a high score of 27 and an average of 12.66. Shoaib Malik faced 53 balls, had a high score of 17 and averaged 8.33. They had three players score over 27 in three games.

Nasir Jamshed and Misbah-ul-Haq aside, it’s almost unfair to call them batsmen. Their batting is essentially rotten fruit sitting in rancid milk in the bottom of a rusted can. Even the rats wouldn’t eat it.

It’s not really a surprise that their totals were 170, 167 and 165. If they played against India again, it would only be fair if India had just 25 overs in which to chase their total. You could also suggest that Pakistan could have 100 overs, but the evidence suggests they can’t last 50, let alone 100.

Their coach, Dav Whatmore, said, “I thought he did a very good job.” He was referring to Trent Woodhill, Pakistan’s batting coach. If by ‘did a very good job’ he refrained from beating any of the players with their own bats when they were dismissed, he is correct.

Against India, with Misbah and Jamshed failing, they seemed as likely to score 200 as any of them are of ending up 200 years old.

They even managed to lose the game on a ball they should have got a run-out from. By the end of the game the holes in the crowd were where the people in the green shirts, with the green face paint, wearing green scarves had been earlier.

The real shame was that the Pakistan supporters deserved so much better. Every time Pakistan have played in this tournament there has barely been a spare seat. They’ve travelled to the grounds in novelty green double-deck buses. They’ve stood and waited for their heroes for ages after the game. At The Oval, Ramiz Raja walking out on the ground was greeted like he was a god. Wasim Akram walking out was treated like the god of gods. They’ve come to each game, and even sat and watched their team bat. Which must have hurt their pride, and their eyes.

It’s amazing that they even had the pride, or energy, to dance to the repeated playings of the catchiest song ever, “Dil Dil Pakistan”. In fact, “Dil Dil Pakistan” was played more often in this tournament than Pakistan hit boundaries. By the final group game, if a Pakistan batsman managed to not be dismissed on a delivery, they would play the song. Because they couldn’t actually wait for one of them to doing something good.

The only truly great thing the Pakistan team managed this tournament was a Pepsi ad starring Mohammad Irfan and Junaid Khan. The ad features someone removing a room service tray only to see Irfan’s head: a painted Irfan pretending to be a water feature to trick Dav Whatmore. And Saeed Ajmal in an afro. The ad was meant as a comedy, and is quite funny.

Unlike the Pakistan team, which was meant to be serious and played for laughs.

As Whatmore said: “We’re one ODI victory from having a good series.” Or to put it another way, they were one ODI victory away from being thrown out of the tournament with one win.

Suspend Australia’s culture

“Drink within your boundaries,” said a pre-recorded Michael Clarke on the Edgbaston big screen a few moments before the match against New Zealand. It’s possible he said it before the game on Saturday as well. Clarke is currently in London, getting intensive treatment on his back. Had he been in Birmingham, he may have been powerless to stop Warner from getting in trouble.

Despite what David Gower said, Australia does have culture, and at the moment that culture is toxic.

It’s easy to overreact to a man punching an opponent a few hours after a game. Or even to take that one problem, and extrapolate it so that the system and all players are to blame. Young people today, eh. Wasn’t like this in my day. These kids are running wild.

But Warner’s punch isn’t a one off for him, and many young Aussie players are doing things that are either blatantly stupid, or amazingly unprofessional way too often over the last couple of years. It’s as if Australian cricket has turned into a giant crèche. Some of these things can be explained by Michael Hussey and Ricky Ponting retiring, but it’s deeper than that, and was around even before they left.

Brad Haddin’s recall to the side, despite his replacement Matthew Wade averaging pretty much the same, shows that CA knows there is a problem. But bringing back one father figure isn’t enough, this problem runs deep.

In this team is Mitchell Marsh. Marsh arrived at the cricket academy out of shape, he was almost sent home straight away. Eventually he was kicked out for being unfit to train after a big night out. That was July last year. A few months later, in October, Marsh was left out of a Champions League match for Perth Scorchers because his 21st birthday celebrations meant he wasn’t in a fit state to play. His brother Shaun Marsh was also dropped from that game for the same incident.

Their former Western Australian team-mate, Luke Pomersbach, was in trouble during IPL 2012 when he was detained by police for alleged assault. The case was eventually settled out of court. Pomersbach has more than enough batting talent to slip into any of the three Australian sides.

Allrounder Daniel Christian was suspended after damaging not one, or even two, but three separate changerooms during the last Sheffield Shield season. Christian was fined and warned during the first two incidents, but still committed the third act.

Shane Watson, Mitchell Johnson, James Pattinson and Usman Khawaja were suspended from one Test in India after they didn’t provide any plans on how they or the team could improve. Watson, the then vice-captain, left the tour straight after the incident, for the birth of his child. That followed on from the World Twenty20, where a player was heard undermining the captain George Bailey to opposition players.

Young Queensland batsman Chris Lynn was fined for attacking the alleged victim in an assault case on Twitter. Saying “She should serve 2 months in jail for her make up! #booyah”. Lynn later apologised and noted, “Violence against women is not acceptable and I’m sorry that my words could been seen to condone that.” Even Shane Warne was running around the Big Bash League, throwing balls at people and making a fool of himself.

Now there is Warner. Before last weekend, Warner’s off-field history was fairly minor. Some bad tweeting with Brett Geeves a few years back, rumours of a personal curfew, perhaps some skinfold issues and being sent home from the academy for untidiness are hardly crimes. And neither is arguing with some press on Twitter. Sure, as a contracted player he was stupid to swear, but I am sure many players and journalists have sworn at each other in bars without us ever having to know about it.

A punishment will not do. A punishment won’t stop the cause. These players have been warned, fined and suspended; they are still making mistakes, still being unprofessional and still making it harder for Australia to win matches

This latest incident is not fully known. And in some ways it’s barely an incident. It took days to hit the press. Joe Root’s jaw is undamaged. Perhaps Warner had a few too many one quid vodka and redbulls at the wrong time of night and did something stupid. But he did try to punch an opposition player. It is far worse than breaking a door in a changeroom or failing to fill in some feedback reports.

In the past, events like this happened all the time. A player gets a bit stroppy when he goes out. A young player enjoys the good life a bit much. A player is involved in a late night incident that he should’ve steered clear of. A player bad mouths his captain.

In the 1970s, it would have been sorted out, and the player would now be doing after dinner speaking about the good old days. On Sky talking about his days, which were fairly recent, Jason Gillespie said, “If you stepped out of line off the field, you got into strife from the captain and the coach.”

So how has Australia regressed since then? How is that a potential captain of the Australian team, in CA’s own words, can take a swing at another player? I don’t expect James Sutherland to be standing in the bar making sure Warner doesn’t do anything stupid.

Culture is not an easy thing to fix. But this has happened under CA’s watch. It has happened after their Argus review. It is effecting their marketing off the field. It is effecting their performance on it. They must find the problems and fix them.

A punishment will not do. A punishment won’t stop the cause. These players have been warned, fined and suspended; they are still making mistakes, still being unprofessional and still making it harder for Australia to win matches.

Ex-cricketers were quick to abuse Pat Howard and Mickey Arthur for treating players like school kids. But they’re acting like them, consistently. It’s time for CA to look at the what is wrong with their current crop of cricketers. Or what is wrong with CA itself. This is a team that is losing on the field, and losing off of it.

This is 2013, if you want to be the best team in the world, you can’t afford to be anything but professional. South Africa is the best side in the world, they are the best behaved, led, managed and performed in the world. Their players don’t get caught in scandals, their team just works as hard as it can to win every match. They even managed to improve while their was a scandal around their board.

This Australian set up is not behaving, the leadership is not around, the management is not working and the team is not performing.

Point no. 4 on CA’s new strategy for cricket to become Australia’s leading sport is, “Provide world-class leadership and management and unify Australian Cricket”. This is the time when CA proves that is not some lip service that looks good on a plaque in their offices.

Clarke has not attended any of Australia’ games in this tournament. The only cricket he has attended was Shane Warne’s charity match on Sunday in the Cotwolds, a couple of hours from London. Warner was also there.

After Warner’s twitter moment, Clarke said to the press, “Davey has great potential to be a leader of the Australian cricket team, he’s a wonderful guy, he’s a wonderful player, I know he’s learnt from this”. That was only a few weeks back.

Whatever Warner did learn, it didn’t seem to help him early Sunday morning.

The sa back ups

There is a lot wrong with the IPL, although, perhaps nothing Jagmohan Dalmiya and the courts of India couldn’t sort out. But it also has many good qualities. Paying domestic cricketers a proper wage is one thing. Giving unknown cricketers a place to shine is another.

Chris Morris averages 34 with the bat and 23 with the ball in first class cricket. His striking is clean. His bowling has pace. He’s 26 years old. And yet this was his ODI debut for his country.

It was Chennai who came calling first, after he’d embarrassed some batsmen in the IPL’s ugly stepchild, the Champions League, the season before. This year he played 16 games in a team good enough to make the final. He stood out. He was exciting. He was new. But he still wasn’t good enough to be chosen in South Africa’s Champions Trophy squad.

If almost every single star South Africa had wasn’t injured, he’d be at home in Highveld right now.

Instead with Morne Morkel out for the tournament, and Dale Steyn out of the game, Morris was here, and played. On the team sheet his number was written wrong. It seemed like it was an accident that he was even playing.

Once out there, Morris started his day by comically running himself out, and started his bowling by bowling a wide. But that was about as bad as his day was ever going to get.

Once he got going, his height, pace, and angled delivery style would have meant every Pakistan player who was happy Morkel was out, was already sad Morris was in.

Imran Farhat, the world’s most surprisingly regular international cricketer, was beaten by pace, but paralysed by fear. If you’d have given him the offer of walking into a fire, or facing Morris, he may have thought long and hard about it. Farhat had a gap between bat and pad, and then there was a substantial gap between the off stump and the two left in the ground.

Mohammad Hafeez didn’t ever look that happy. Morris can bowl that uncomfortable length, that when backed up with pace, just makes batsmen want to be at the non-striker’s end. Hafeez played a hook shot. But it was the hook shot of a man just hoping the ball wouldn’t end up anywhere near him. It floated gently to square leg.

When he was taken off after only four overs, it seemed like AB deVilliers was being kind to Pakistan.

But he brought on Ryan McLaren. McLaren is a child of county cricket. He joined Kent as a Kolpak when it looked like his international career would never start, which meant in theory he wasn’t available for South Africa. In first-class cricket he’s averaging 30 with the bat, and 25 with the ball. At 30, he is still not a regular player, with only 24 games since his debut in 2009.

Being a county cricket guy makes him instantly less exciting and marketable than Morris. His spell was much the same. His first spell contained no wickets in his four overs. It did however cost only seven runs. McLaren wasn’t as quick, or as scary, but he was very disciplined and clever. He didn’t do anything special, he just refused to bowl bad balls.

Those eight overs were all bowled back-to-back from the Pavilion End. But those eight overs set up this win. They were all bowled by players who weren’t Vernon Philander, Morkel or Steyn. These two are just the back-ups, but they certainly looked like more than that today.

Morris’ wickets put Pakistan behind, McLlaren’s overs kept them there. By the end of the 16th over, Pakistan were 40 for 2 and the target of 235 looked absolutely massive. From there, Pakistan never looked like winning. And the thought that both men still had overs to go, just made any notion of a comeback even more unlikely.

When McLaren did come back on later, the run rate had become nominal, and even though Misbah played some big shots, McLaren cleaned up and ended with four wickets just to make sure Pakistan were finished with.

Between them, their figures were 15-3-34-6. For back-ups, who’ve had to get noticed in domestic leagues away from home, that’s pretty good.

The “get on with it” army and Team England

“Get on with it,” shouted the angry cricket journalist. This was before play. But during play, at breaks, as people ate lunch or went about folding clothes, many people said the same thing. Why won’t England get on with it? Or declare? Or both? And why didn’t they enforce the follow-on yesterday? Why, why?

England have, as of yet, decided not to run their cricketing decisions through a committee of media and fans. The media and fans may have suggested that not enforcing the follow-on when you’ve only taken 43.4 overs to bowl a side out is a defensive option. Team England may suggest that they could see how flat the pitch was and that their best chance of bowling New Zealand out again would be a Graeme Swann fourth and fifth day attack.

The media and fans could point to the fact that England scored at 3.77-an-over when pushing for a declaration, which was only slightly quicker than their first innings total, and slower than New Zealand’s first innings. Team England could answer that this is their last Test before the Ashes, and they had a chance to get a couple of players back into form.

The media and fans might wonder if the added gate receipts of a fourth or fifth day could have persuaded England to bat on and on. Team England might ask which ECB employee would tell Andy Flower that he has to base his and Alastair Cook’s decisions on financial concerns.

The media and fans will probably say that no matter what reasons you think 468 is a good total to chase, it’s still 19 more runs than New Zealand have scored in the entire series. Team England will probably say better to be safe than sorry.

The media and fans have been looking at the weather updates for days wondering why England haven’t rushed things along. Team England have never trusted two day forecasts.

England probably should have enforced the follow-on. Nick Compton and Jonathan Trott shouldn’t have batted like Han Solo in carbonite and batting on beyond lunch was an odd decision, if you’re being nice.

But Team England hasn’t been overtaken by an alien life form. This is a conservative team. Replacing Andrew Strauss with Cook wasn’t going to upset the careful, careful, softly, softly approach that once made England the No. 1 Test team on earth.

England weren’t going to declare 300 in front, or 400 in front, they were going to bat until any total was notional. Not notional for people sitting in the press box, or on a couch, who seem to think every single declaration is too late, but notional for cricketers who understand how the pitch is playing. 468 for a team with batsmen as out of form as New Zealand is quite notional.

But even with this mythical chase being set, England kept being conservative. Despite some variable bounce, Hamish Rutherford was given a deep point. A run-saving position when runs just couldn’t have mattered less.

Yet England would say that Rutherford is a confidence batsman. And that statistically he scores the majority of his runs where they put their man. They were trying to drain his mojo but Rutherford still scored quicker than the England batsmen even with a sweeper out. His eventual wicket was to a bat-pad.

Later on, Brendon McCullum faced the penetrating spin of Joe Root. New Zealand had lost six wickets by this stage. They needed more than 300 runs to win. The over started with Cook having three men on the boundary. England would point out that McCullum is more likely to be caught by a deep set fielder than anyone in the circle as their statistical analysis can prove.

While some seem to see events like this as momentary lapse in judgment, it is really a deep seated ideology. It may not be one that is popular with fans, but it is one that this team truly believe in.

A running joke in this series is how attacking McCullum can be with his fields. His slips cordons are filled with bodies even when his team is not doing well. McCullum’s field this morning often had as many catching fielders as some of those from Cook in the afternoon.

Drawing this Test will not be the end of the world for England. They’ve won the series. This Test means very little in the larger picture. Even if by ignoring weather forecasts they’ve not left themselves the 30 to 120 minutes they will probably need tomorrow, it’s not a massive problem.

What a full day’s rain might mean is that in future England slightly change their outlook to a more aggressive way of thinking the next time a similar match plays out.

What is more likely is that England win this series 2-0 and they continue to play the way that they believe is best for them. I would also assume that England will continue to make their own cricket decisions and not be swayed too much by the opinions of the media and fans.

Cricket news hurl: the honorary son in law

Jesse Ryder has knocked back money from women’s magazines to tell his story of the attack on him.

That’s nice, isn’t it?

I like to start with something nice, something upbeat and cheery.

Now that I’ve done that, let’s look at the IPL.

If royalty and small businesses have taught us anything, it’s that giving your family important jobs can be embarrassing.

Kim Il-sung ran the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea from 1948 until 1994. He was replaced by his son, Kim Jong-il, who lied about his golf game. He was then replaced by the grandson, Kim Jong-un, who is a fan of Keanu Reeves. Sometimes picking people because they are related to you by birth or marriage is not the best thing.

The other problem with having people who are related to you is that you can’t really deny being involved with them. Sure, you can suggest that a person is just an honorary part of management and not really involved with your team. You can change their Twitter profile so that they no longer have the title of “Team Principal” or are linked to your website. You can edit your website so that his name doesn’t appear anywhere. But you can’t edit out the link between a son and a father-in-law. It’s there, written on a marriage certificate.

You can’t even call him an honorary son-in-law.

When I clicked on the NDTV video, they had a pre-roll ad for the KFC family feast. Even the pre-rolls were mocking N Srinivasan.

According to Srinivasan, this is orchestrated pressure, and he has done nothing wrong. “I have done nothing wrong. If I have done something wrong that’s a different matter.” He will not be bulldozed, railroaded or cold-cocked into submission.

His son-in-law is a fully functioning human being, capable of doing his own thing, like holding the paddle up at IPL auctions. Srinivasan should not be blamed for any alleged crime his son-in-law may have committed.

But there will be a probe into this mess. And the probe will be run by the BCCI. Which Srinivasan runs. Into the Chennai Super Kings, which Srinivasan owns. Because of the former team principal, whom Srinivasan’s daughter is married to.

“I’m too straight, I follow the rules.” Srinivasan is being honest when he says this. Of course, he’s happy to change those rules to better suit himself. Until 2008 the BCCI had a constitution that said players, administrators, managers and team officials could not have direct or indirect commercial interests in any BCCI event or product.

If that rule was still enforced, Srinivasan wouldn’t be getting bulldozed right now, as he wouldn’t own an IPL team or have a son-in-law who was some part of its management.

And whether it was official (a Twitter bio is not official, I assume) or just a vague understanding, Gurunath believed he was part of CSK’s management. On Twitter he would tweet: “CSK team n management wishes Mike Hussey(mr Cricket) a very happy B day”, or talk about updates to the website: “We are updating the web site with latest pictures everyday. Hope all the CSK fans are liking it. Any special request can be sent to us.” Do honorary members of management really get involved with putting pictures on websites?

Gurunath also tweeted, “CSK wishes Mr and Mrs MS Dhoni a very happy anniversary. Have a great day and all the very best.” That is the same wife of MS Dhoni who was sitting in the CSK box next to the arrested Vindoo Dara Singh.

There are no photos of Srinivasan sharing his own box with Vindoo Dara Singh. As he says, “Everyone knows I do not, in fact, go to the CSK games.”

This all matters greatly because N Srinivasan is the most powerful man in cricket. This is not a bit of random boring cricket news. If Srinivasan falls (it’s a shame that 100-foot-high gold statue of him was never made), it will change the face of modern cricket.

Cricket politics can hit any level of cricket. Just this morning the Thorner Mexborough club of West Yorkshire was in a political crisis based on selection. NDTV has not yet interviewed former first-team captain David Hopps, but everyone knows he does not go to games.

Asad Rauf is also not going to games at the moment, after the ICC saw reports that the Mumbai police were conducting an investigation into Rauf’s activities. Rauf’s last claim to fame was having an attractive woman’s leg draped around him in an oft-googled image. Rauf has picked a good week to be mentioned in this scandal as he is not Srinivasan’s son-in-law.

Ireland picked a terrible week to snatch a last-ball tie with Pakistan. Kevin O’Brien smashed 84 off 47 and flicked the last ball of the game to the fence to tie the match. It was a tie, and not a draw, no matter what the Cricket Ireland social-media streams have told you. O’Brien seems to arrive out of nowhere every couple of years, smash a big nation everywhere, and then disappear again.

Despite innings like this, O’Brien has never got a call-up for an IPL franchise. And now it seems there is one less for him to play for, as Pune have said “BCCI as a sports body should have sportsmanship spirit” and “considering all the disgusted fact mentioned above now we would not keep the IPL franchisee even if the entire franchisee fee is waved off. It is firm and final decision of Sahara to withdraw from IPL.” Essentially it is about the franchise fee, and the egos of certain men, but what it means is that no matter how much the IPL wants to grow, its own infighting and nonsense don’t allow it to.

The women’s game is growing, however, and now Cricket Australia has taken the step to turn star players like Victoria’s Jess Cameron and other non-Victorian players into paid professional cricketers. It is a massive step forward in the game, and was probably inspired by how awesome Cameron was in the World Cup final.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This article has less words in it than an average Lalit Modi tweet.

New Zealand run up the stairs

It’s a stormy night. You’re in a strange house. The power goes out. You’re phone won’t work. You hear a door open. Followed by footsteps. What do you do?

At Lord’s New Zealand ran up the stairs.

England set them a target of 239. It was on paper a number you could chase. But in reality on a pitch where England had only one batsmen in their last seven who scored double figures, the chase was going to end for New Zealand in much the way it does for the thousands of young actresses who runs up the stairs.

Sixty-eight was a bloody way to end. But on a pitch with movement, the ball swinging, a fragile top order, a fired up Stuart Broad, an unplayable James Anderson and injuries, New Zealand could have almost been forgiven for not handling the pressure. It was bad, but bad with reasons.

On the third day at Headingley the reasons and excuses are harder to find.

The easiest is Graeme Swann. Swann drifted the ball away, landed it in footmarks, and made batsmen look stupid. Yet noted ferret Trent Boult managed to hump him around the field. In fact, the whole bottom order seemed to handle Swann far better than any of the so called batting experts. It takes a skillful offspinner to rip the ball through bat and pad. But no offspinner in the world can manufacture the gap in the first place.

Before lunch Headingley was cloudless. The sun was shining about as much as the Yorkshire Gods will allow. The pitch was coming on beautifully. The outfield was not slow. Anderson couldn’t get anything to happen. Broad’s performance was very sub Lord’s.

It was as if New Zealand had ordered the conditions for themselves.

Hamish Rutherford was picking which part of the offside boundary he wanted to hit. Peter Fulton was flicking the ball easily with his awkward tall-guy style. New Zealand skipped to a 50-run opening partnership without any real concerns. They even shut up the West Stand.

It was such a good start that it meant some people started wondering if England would even have a first innings lead.

Then on this clear day, out by the beach with friends, with good mobile phone coverage, and no one else around, New Zealand found a way to still end up dead.

Fulton, who had been waiting for full balls to flick away, seemed to completely misread the length of a Steven Finn delivery, and flicked it off a leading edge straight up in the air.

Rutherford who looked like he could boss England on a pitch this flat, was super-bossed by Finn. Rutherford was beaten for three successive balls, and then still decided to try a no-footwork drive on the up to the second last ball before lunch.

Their opening partnership was 55. Their last wicket partnership was 53. They made 174. Something is desperately wrong with these numbers

Finn hit Ross Taylor first ball. And then a few overs later cramped him up and hit his stumps.

Dean Brownlie and Martin Guptill left Swann-sized gaps in their defence, Guptill providing a passable impression of Robocop playing a forward defence. Kane Williamson over compensated. Once that had happened, New Zealand had been killed by an axe wielding maniac in their own mind.

Their opening partnership was 55. Their last wicket partnership was 53. They made 174. Something is desperately wrong with these numbers. And while a fired-up Finn and a suped-up Swann were good, they don’t explain or excuse how only 174 was scored.

With one less day in this match, the follow-on target moved 50 runs further from New Zealand, which did them no favours.

New Zealand deserved no favours. Considering how well New Zealand have fought for the majority of this cross-continental five-Test series, they would be embarrassed at how they played with so much in their favour.

It was only England who seemed to help New Zealand. If you didn’t know Alastair Cook or Andy Flower, you’d assume the decision to not enforce the follow-on was a pity move, and not a professionally thought out conservative decision based on the matches to follow.

At 116 for 1, England they showed that this pitch, and the conditions in general couldn’t be much better for batting. They also forced New Zealand’s overworked bowlers into the ground. Boult went off with a side strain. Doug Bracewell came on as third change and only bowled six overs. Tim Southee looked like a man who wanted the follow-on to be enforced.

They couldn’t even rely on the demon footmark that Swann had used, as Williamson could hit it, and get some spin, but Nick Compton and Jonathan Trott dead-batted everything that was dangerous with the sort of techniques that New Zealand only dreamed for. At the other end Cook showed it was also easy to score. Not that England needed to show New Zealand that, they’d proved it themselves.

Boult will be getting more treatment tomorrow. He probably won’t bowl again in this match. But with an unbeaten 24 and a five-wicket haul, he’s already done more than most of his team-mates.

Much like New Zealand’s chances, not much can improve by him playing tomorrow.

McCullum’s gamble

5-0-14-1.

That was Kane Williamson’s return after 61 overs. Brendon McCullum would have benn pretty confident that Williamson could have helped rest his seamers for one last new ball dash.

.

It had been a good day for Williamson. He had taken the wicket of Ian Bell. He had beaten the bat of Jonny Bairstow. He’d kept up an end, got decent spin, been economical and dismissed the No. 4. He was doing more than a part time spinner would have been expected to do on the first day. One crusty old scribe had even said he’d take 150 career wickets based on his early spell.

On any day a part time spinner is most useful in that period from the 60th to 80th over. On a long day like this, he’s even more important. Anything around three an over would have been handy. Another wicket would have been a bonus. But the 63rd over changed all of McCullum’s plans.

A floated offspinner from Williamson was driven through wide mid-on to the padded boundary triangle. It was the sort of shot that made old men in the members’ seats nod at each other with a glint in their eye.

The third ball was a fraction short, but there was little room outside off. Bairstow nimbly gave himself room and played a beautiful cut shot for two, that turned into three with an overthrow.

When Root had last faced Williamson, he’d scored only a single off a complete over. There had been a decent appeal for an lbw. Williamson might have hoped for a quiet last three balls, maybe, even a chance of a wicket.

That seemed improbable as Root came down the wicket confidently flicked a full toss for another boundary. The next ball Root moved across his stumps and played another sweep. This time there was no appeal, just a boundary as the ball went very fast and fine. With 15 runs in the first five balls of the over, Root could have been forgiven for blocking the last one. He reverse swept it for four.

19 runs in the over. Williamson dragged out of the attack. McCullum’s plans in tatters. They’d outwitted his chancellor, bested his swordsman.

When the over started, it didn’t look like an obvious plan; it just looked like a loose ball being dealt with. But the intent on the last four balls was blatantly clear. These two young batsmen were not content with sitting back and waiting for the new ball. They were using their aggression to tire the Kiwi bowlers out before they got the new ball in their hands. Root was also trying to get his hundred in before Tim Southee and Trent Boult came back on.

It was great, attacking, smart cricket. Both players weren’t content with waiting for something to happen, they were changing the face of the game.

McCullum also knew exactly what was happening, some captains would have locked Williamson in the basement. McCullum refused to allow England to dictate. After only four overs, he brought him back from the other end. The end he had taken him off after an over where he’d taken Bell and beaten Bairstow.

Root and Bairstow continued to attack. This time it didn’t end in a bunch of boundaries, just good milking. Williamson tried darts, legside fields and even stopping in his delivery to see what Root was planning to do. Root late cut, Bairstow reverse swept, and Root walked across his crease and played a delicate paddle pull. Williamson’s two overs back went for 12 runs, and McCullum had to shelve him.

But McCullum didn’t give in altogether. Southee bowled two overs after Williamson’s 63rd. Boult bowled none. Instead McCullum rode his two workhorses, Neil Wagner and Doug Bracewell, into the ground. He was risking it all on the fact that a fresh Southee and Boult was worth more to him with the new ball.

Because of the attacking, it wasn’t until the 79th over that Williamson came back on. Giving Bracewell one over off. This time, Root and Bairstow just played him out. There was no need to attack him now.

Root was rewarded for his smart work with a hundred, but in keeping Boult fresh, McCullum had done very well. The first delivery with the new ball, Boult took a wicket. Then another in his next over. Then another in his next over. He’d broken the alliance of young Tykes, and taken an extra one as well.

Had Prior been caught off Southee, New Zealand would have ended the day with all of England’s batsmen gone. Perhaps even with England all out. Instead they had to bowl to the close, and Bracewell bowled one over (the second last) with the new ball. He suffered from cramp during it. And then during Southee’s last over, Bracewell was brought off the field after barely moving to field a cut from Prior.

McCullum, who looked just as sore, had gambled with Wagner and Bracewell’s fitness, yet won three wickets and given New Zealand some hope of saving this series.

Williamson finished with 9-0-49-1.