Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 38

Cricket Sadist Hour: ‘Bowl dumb, Broad’ (feat. Iain O’Brien and Mark Butcher)

Three men, sitting down, talking about a Test.

It’s sexier than any full penetration interspecies porn you can find.

Is it Broad’s technique or his head that makes him so unpredictable?

Is the Bruce Martin Equation solved?

Will sitting on a bench help Dictator Dan be Test match fit?

Does it matter that Joe Root is not as buff as Nick Compton?

Do you dream of Jimmy Anderson inswing?

Broad is no National Treasure

Stuart Broad is the Nicholas Cage of bowling. Cage will take risks, perform erratically, pick terrible films, choose the wrong way to perform a role, overact and then occasionally perform so brilliantly that he makes an entire film. While doing all this he also divides opinion.

Smack in the middle of Stuart Broad’s cluster bomb that made New Zealand look like they’re a club side who’d walked into Lord’s by accident, I received a link to a blog about Broad. Broad comes a close third to Sachin and Shahid in the most-blogged-about stakes. It is almost without doubt something about whether he’s a good or bad bloke, and a good or bad cricketer. This blog was in that vein.

I’ve never met Stuart Broad, and up until he does something to me personally that offends, I won’t really worry about it. But working out whether Broad is a good cricketer is more interesting.

Stuart Broad wins Test matches. That is not something that most humans do, and neither do most cricketers. Broad can change the game with the bat or the ball. Yet again, it’s a small club. When Stuart Broad does something good, he does something spectacular. Most people’s good is still kind of just better than okay.

Yet, there are still doubts. And I’m not talking about the doubts that people who refer to him as Barbie have.

Broad’s bowling average is over 31. Even after his 7-for today. 32 is the average of all the bowlers in the history of cricket. It means that as a bowler he is barely better than average.

After 55 Tests Broad averages 25 with the bat. It’s good, but his hundred was against two bowlers who ended up in jail because of that summer. It’s not the average of a Test allrounder, more a handy bowler who either fails to deliver at all, or takes the game away quickly. It’s this batting pattern than haunts his bowling.

Broad is hit for six sixes. Broad can’t finish a match against Netherlands. Broad helps England win the 2009 Ashes. Broad struggles against South Africa. Broad goes missing against Sri Lanka. Broad takes a hat-trick and wins England the world No. 1 Test Spot. Broad disappoints against South Africa. Broad takes no wickets in two Indian Tests. Then Broad takes 7 for 44 as his team give New Zealand a statistically gettable chase.

It is all a simplification of Broad’s career. But it’s also based on how he has performed. Broad is either a monumental force of destruction, or a puppy lost in the wrong backyard. He has very little in-between.

That sort of great-or-garbage cricketer is the one who will always get the most abuse from fans. Their fans fall in love for the magical moments. Their detractors hate every single moment in-between, and also hate that they are successful at all, keeping them in the team for more long periods of failure before only popping up for enough success to keep them around for longer.

This Broad rampage comes just as, not for the first time, his place was being discussed by the fans and media – the people who despise him as if he’s doing it on purpose; like he wants to toy with their emotions.

Then they point to the less important things. Broad’s blonde hair seems to annoy more people than a natural hair colour should. The stroppy behavior when a ball is misfielded from his bowling. The way he forces captains to refer to him almost every delivery where he beats the bat. That it seems like he gets a better deal from the match referees. That his girlfriends are sometimes celebrities. That his father played Test cricket. Very little of that really affects how good, or not, he is as a cricketer.

He has not performed as consistently as his amazing performances hint he can. There are probably many reasons. One is that it isn’t easy to perform consistently like he did today, because few mortals ever have.

Even at only 26, Broad is a veteran. He’s been in the game long enough to block out the angry fans and ignore the press he doesn’t like. He’s well-travelled, world-weary and England’s T20 captain.

It’s the difference between his best and worst that he needs to narrow. Broad should be an automatic selection for this side. He should average under 30 with the ball, and he should average over 30 with the bat. Broad should be vice-captain of this Test side.

The same Stuart Broad who annihilated New Zealand today has never averaged under 30 with the ball. That is far more annoying than his hair colour, genealogy or his girlfriends.

When you bowl as fast as Stuart Broad, are as clever as Stuart Broad and can strike the ball like Stuart Broad you deserve to be a national treasure, not compared to a man who overacted in a film called National Treasure.

cricket news hurl: fixing old farts

There are some things a Jesse Ryder comeback can fix, and some he can’t. Jesse can fill your heart with butterflies and lollipops, but he can’t stop spot-fixing.

Neither can the ICC, nor the BCCI. Bruce Wayne and Frank Castle couldn’t stop it.

The BCCI and ICC aren’t police agencies. They don’t have a legal right to hack players’ phones. They can’t shout, “You’re under arrest, sugar” or break down a door. They are governing bodies who regulate which umpires stand in which match, and tell batsmen off for the size of their stickers.

The ICC is not Jimmy McNulty and Lester Freamon from The Wire. It writes press releases, organises tournaments and helps umpires with their mobile phone problems. The chances are its officials don’t know how to clone a pager, will never feel comfortable bugging an office, and would not handle being undercover all that well.

The only way to really find match-fixing is with stupid players. It’s the biggest chance cricket authorities have of finding fixers. Everything else is massively out of their world.

Unless you give the Anti-Corruption and Security Unit photos of text messages between a bookie and a player that included comments like, “Yes, I will spot-fix the 37th over, the go-ahead sign will be me wearing a bow tie and doing a cartwheel in my run, please have the war bonds in my safety deposit box by Tuesday”, it’s hard for the ASCU to be anything more than a blind hall monitor.

People are, at their core, inherently evil. You don’t have to see Andre Nel’s follow-through to understand this. And people like things.

So fixing will happen.

The IPL doesn’t need to be shut down, any more than Test or county cricket did when they were involved. Cricket just needs to keep accidentally uncovering fixing through third parties or general incompetence. We can all be suspicious at times, but unless they accidentally tweet their fixing, we probably won’t have much evidence.

Of course it isn’t just the fans who lose out. What about the poor advertisers who have placed their precious brand recognition in the hands of these players? Kent R-O Systems has withdrawn its ads featuring Sreesanth.

Shiv Sena, cricket’s favourite political party, has made statements about the IPL fixing case. Now, you could say, “Why?” But don’t, just read this.

“T20 may have given fame and money to many new players but it has also opened a new window of gambling and sex racket in the country. The Kauravas in the cricket are destroying an entire generation”. That was written an editorial in Saamna, a newspaper owned by the Sena. It added, “Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game and has no connect with patriotism.”

Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game, although, considering the laws were formed on betting, it would be safe to say the gentlemen loved a flutter themselves. Ted Pooley missed out on being England’s first wicketkeeper because he was in jail in Christchurch after being involved in a fight over a match he was betting on, and umpiring in. Although there is no evidence to say that Pooley was involved in opening a new window of a sex racket.

The PCB, probably not Shiv Sena’s favourite team, is doing what it can to stop the players from getting in a fix by employing a vigilance officer for the Champions Trophy. A vigilance officer will say things like, “Don’t put that jacket on”, “That man doesn’t need to know the weather conditions” and “All no-balls should be punished by jail time”. There is no human being who couldn’t do with a vigilance officer.

The umpires in the IPL were certainly vigilant when Yusuf Pathan was batting, and kicking. Pathan, who had dug out a yorker, was called through for a run and as the ball went straight towards the bowler, he decided to kick it away from Wayne Parnell. “I don’t think it was intentional,” is what the commentator said while Pathan’s foot opened up and dribbled the ball forward, away from the bowler to save himself. Only briefly, because shortly after, Pathan was given out obstructing the field.

Less vigilant, or maybe, who the hell can tell, was the person who needed to get the paperwork done for the new stands at the MA Chidambaram Stadium. The Chennai Corporation sealed three stands in the stadium, saying the Tamil Nadu Cricket Association was yet to get planning permission and building approval. The stands were reopened for a sellout game but are now closed again. Being that Chennai is Mr Srinivasan’s personal playground, and his job is construction, it seems like someone is trying to embarrass or bother him.

I’m pleased to announce that Enville Cricket Club’s renovations will be going ahead, although club secretary Dave Thomas said, “It has been designed so the lounge can be built at a later date.”

A club cricket incident happened in the Bangladesh-Zimbabwe T20 this week. Zimbabwe won the match and their interim coach, Stephen Mangongo, pushed Natsai Mushangwe. Mangongo had asked Mushangwe to give a message to a batsman, but instead found Mushangwe having a meal. Mushwange, who was not eating Nandos, and Mangongo have known each other for years. But there must be a part of Mushwange, a young leggie, who is happy that Mangongo has not been given the role of head coach.

Another person who may not get a role in leadership anytime soon (sorry, David, please don’t abuse me) is David Warner. Tweeting from India well after a sensible time of night, Warner attacked cricket writer Robert Crash Craddock for being a jealous p****, talking shit and sucking up asses. Then when Malcolm Conn stepped in, Warner, much like his early innings against Dale Steyn, just kept swinging, telling Conn that no one buys his shit and described him as an old fart and a goose. It seems the one thing the IPL can’t fix is an old fart.

Cricket Australia says it is aware of comments made on Warner’s Twitter account overnight. “Cricket Australia is attempting to contact Warner and will continue to investigate the matter.” I’d hope they are aware, as the comments are still on Warner’s Twitter page.

It is not yet known if Warner’s nephew has access to his Twitter account.

Warner could have used his time more effectively by listening to the Caribbean Premier League’s anthem called “How We Play”. According to the official Youtube page, “The innovative mix is sure to spawn a new genre [writer Marlon] Chen calls ‘Caribbean Dance’ – a mix of Soca, dancehall and techno music.” I hope it does, because since “C’mon Aussie C’mon”, cricket anthems have been a bit uninspiring.

Someone who is never uninspiring is Victorian Glenn Maxwell. His brilliant late run of form for Mumbai Indians has been as inspiring as any anthem. In one over against Rajasthan Royals he scored over 15 runs on his own. The over was so good, news stations around the world have picked it up and continue to show it.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Kimber combines the best elements of each genre and the result will inevitably make you want to get up and dance.

Root’s hesitating foot

The ball was just slightly fuller than the majority. Sneaking ever so slightly from good to full.

There is no doubt that in another over it would have been left alone or defended with confidence and ease.

Joe Root’s front foot hesitates for a moment. It’s barely visible at full speed, but in our super slow-mo world, you can see it.

Perhaps Root thought the ball from Tim Southee would be shorter. Perhaps the gloom meant he just didn’t pick it up quick enough.

By the time Root got his left foot to touch the ground the ball had taken his inside edge.

Once his foot was firmly on the ground, his stumps had been hit.

It was one mistake. One error of judgment. One bit of bad luck.

Had he been later the ball would have gone through to the keeper. Had he got slightly more bat on it the ball would have hit him or gone to square leg. Had he played it like any of the many balls before he would have been fine.

And so, probably, would England.

One good partnership had all but sunk New Zealand. The dour batting of the England first innings had been replaced with a more result-orientated look. They gave New Zealand’s bowlers respect, but they forced their way past them. It was a modern performance of grim determination and professionalism that Andy Flower has tattooed on all the England batsmen. It was a partnership built on belief that they were the better side and by sticking around they could outlast and grind out a win.

For three hours they did that. Then Root’s foot was slow.

Jonny Bairstow looked jumpy from the start. Where Root and Jonathan Trott had looked like a run-out was their main chance of being separated, Bairstow looked like he could be dismissed in most almost any mode. Yet, his wicket was also unlucky. A ball that would often be called a leg-side half volley won’t get him out often. In an empty county ground he would have breezily clipped it off his pads.

Here he missed it, it hit his pads, then rebounded back on to his stumps.

Matt Prior looked lost. An obvious single behind point wasn’t just turned down, it was completely ignored. What sort of batsman doesn’t take an easy single when they’re on a pair? Trott almost ran two runs, and almost ran himself out through the shock of Prior not wanting the run. Prior had his back turned. The next ball Prior played a nothing shot somewhere between attack and anxious that ended in Kane Williamson letting out a squeal.

Next over Prior completed his pair with a limp pull shot.

Trott then had a ball from Williamson that hit a foot mark. That could have happened at any time. Balls from the foot marks had spun a few times during the Test. New Zealand’s double left-arm team were also going to make Williamson, and more importantly, Graeme Swann, happy. And with Bruce Martin limping off, Williamson spinning the ball in was always a better chance of getting a wicket from the rough.

Like all offies dream of, the ball spun back through the gate on to the stumps.

The impossible question to answer is if Trott might have covered the spin better had he still been batting with Root. When Root and Trott were there, England looked tranquil, in charge and secure enough to muse about declarations.

With Root out the whole team seemed confused and worried.

Ian Bell’s charge down the wicket was bizarre. Steven Finn’s single to get off strike was unnecessary. Flower’s face was tight.

If the idea of modern sport is to show how confident you are through body language and a serene look of calmness, a photo of Flower’s face should be printed out and stuck up in the away team’s changing room for Sunday morning. It was the look of a man who may have been thinking of a declaration 40 minutes earlier and was now hoping Finn could help Bell get past a 200 lead.

Flower’s face was as telling as the scorecard was: New Zealand were back with a chance to win this Test.

They could thank Root’s hesitating foot for opening the door.

Ross Taylor and the zombie ants

Zombie ants will find a leaf about a foot off the ground, on the north side of a plant, attach themselves to the underside and will be eaten away by a fungus that is posthumously controlling them and eating their non-vital soft tissue. The ants have no say in what happens next, they are dead soldiers for their fungi overlords.

Batsmen generally don’t have this problem. Most batsmen are living creatures with free will. Sure every player has his own external and internal pressures. Perhaps the coach has told them to put a price on their wicket. Maybe they are worried about their place in the team. Bad form could always be an issue.

Then there is a pitch and the conditions. A grey sky or green pitch will play on the mind of any batsman. A grey sky can make the most cocksure batsman shut up shop.

Then there is the sideways movement. A little or a lot, it matters. It was not, as early cricket scientists tried to prove, an optical illusion. The cricket ball can dance in a way that can trip anyone up.

You can never discount bowlers in this equation (if you’ve been watching the IPL, they are the players who deliver the balls to the maximum hitters). Good bowling can stop a scoreboard; it can bring uncertainty to any situation. Backed by decent field strategies, runs become mythical whispers.

At Lord’s all of these things added up to stop every single batsman who walked out. Except one.

While the opposition and his team-mates held still like zombie ants on a leaf. Ross Taylor batted. He batted like his last few months haven’t involved a public demotion, his friend almost being killed, and a poor run of form in Test and IPL cricket. He batted like he, and few players, can. Like the opposition and conditions didn’t apply to him. In one knock in trying conditions he outscored his IPL season at a better strike rate.

Taylor is an interesting batsman. You feel had he not made it to Test level, he could play every ball on the legside and die a happy man. But despite his obvious talent (he has the 8th best average of any Kiwi Test batsman), he has worked very hard to make himself into a destructive force on the international stage. Yet, he’s not. Not consistently. Not like he could be.

Coupling talent with dedication should be a surefire hit. But Taylor struggles away from home. He isn’t as consistent as she should be. He can be ineffectual for long periods.

Then you see him today. Jimmy Anderson was crushing New Zealand, two quick wickets had spooked the team that had fought like champs to keep England’s total low.

Taylor walked in to a situation that looked dire from the outside. Taylor hit almost as many fours as England did on the entire first day. Taylor scored his fifty at better than a run a ball. Taylor batted like this despite the ball moving around enough to make his team-mates and the opposition find the underside of a leaf to stick themselves to.

A Taylor innings on full flow is a sight to see. It’s like KP, but humble. Bowlers are just there to deliver to him. He owns the crease. He hits the ball in a special way that most people can’t do, the way that almost instantly makes the bowler less sure of himself. And he just keeps batting faster and hitting harder until it doesn’t matter where the fielders are. Like he owns the ground and everyone in it. It doesn’t happen often, but when he does it, it’s clear that he’s not just a batsman. He’s something special.

You could see it building at Lord’s. The flash through point. The slog sweep. The fifty when everyone else saw a 30 as Everest.

Then, with greatness and an often-replayed highlights package within his grasp, he got a ball that kept a bit low. Not a shooter, but just a ball that hadn’t reached the heights it should have. Instead of one of those innings that Taylor plays that makes zealots out of heretics, it was just a cameo.

In the full story of Taylor’s career, it felt about right, with everything that has gone with him recently, it felt way short. Taylor is 29, and the next four years should be his best. At the least his average should jump over 45, and he should be demanding that he ends up as one of the greatest New Zealand players of all time.

Today was just a taster, all he really did is show us that he was not a Zombie ant, but he can do much more than that.

Cricket Sadist Hour’s Biting Bresnan with Mark Butcher and Iain O’Brien

This is three men, who of which played Test cricket, one of which caught his dick in a zipper, talking about England V New Zealand.

Important questions are answered.

What is the Bruce Martin Equation?

What Organ is Matt Prior?

What does Onions have written on him?

And what is South Africa’s second best export after District 9?

All these questions are answered.

player power loses to boards’ might (there is no politics in cricket)

The ICC press release on the new members of the cricket committee said: “Kumar Sangakkara and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan were recently elected by a vote of the 10 Test captains, and will serve on the cricket committee for a three-year term from 2013-15.”

Sangakkara’s name was written in the text of the entire email – Helvetica, size 13. Sivaramakrishnan’s name was written in Georgia, size 16. It looked out of place and was very hard to miss.

Sangakkara is stately and respected, and was a natural fit. The players’ choice for their last representative on this committee was between Tim May and Sivaramakrishnan.

Tim May is the CEO of FICA, the players union. He is more than its CEO: he was its very impetus for existing in the first place. Since 1997, he has fought for player rights with cricket boards. He has pushed for better security. He has been involved with care programmes for cricketers with emotional problems. And he has fought for better pay conditions, and even upfront pay, in haphazardly organised T20 tournaments.

Laxman Sivaramakrishnan is a BCCI-contracted commentator.

So 10 Test captains had the choice of who to vote for. They chose the commentator.

Perhaps the players who voted against May were sick of having an independent voice on the committee. Maybe what they really wanted was an inside man who had the ear of the king. I doubt Tim May can chat with N Srinivasan anytime he wants to. Sivaramakrishnan can.

That is democracy at work. When given two choices, the players voted with their conscience and picked the person they wanted to represent them. Of course the basic problem with democracy is that people can be stupid, selfish and easily manipulated. Not that this is a democratic situation anyway. The international players of the world don’t vote on their Test captain, their Test captains are appointed by the boards themselves.

As ESPNcricinfo understands, the four votes for May were from his home country of Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand. All have strong unions and are part of FICA.

But what of the rest of the world?

The BCCI is always cast as the ogre in situations like this. But MS Dhoni was the only person who would have possibly voted for Sivaramakrishnan regardless of Tim May’s history. The Indian players have no union and are not involved with FICA, and with Sivaramakrishnan being so heavily involved with Chennai – the city, at the very least – you would assume he and Dhoni have a relationship.

Misbah-ul-Haq may have been swayed and may have also responded badly to Tim May suggesting international players boycott the yet to exist Pakistan Premier League.

The Bangladesh Premier League was given an almighty smacking by May for the fact that it regularly didn’t pay its players, or paid them really late. That might have concerned the Bangladesh captain.

And Angelo Mathews might not have taken well to Tim May also making a big deal out of the fact that players in the Sri Lankan Premier League were not paid on time.

Of course, it is more likely that these three votes were not by aggrieved players, but from their boards. Boards who have been embarrassed by Tim May regularly (as he has the nerve to point out that there may be financial or security concerns) and who probably don’t want him on an ICC committee.

Zimbabwe’s vote is always a swing vote, and talking about it in any real sense would be a waste of time. With all the other votes being fairly obvious and predictable, even the swing vote, the casting decision ultimately came down to Darren Sammy’s West Indies vote, which went to Sivaramakrishnan.

Perhaps it is a play for power by some to control the message. Tim May is independent of all boards. In his role at FICA, there is probably no board he has not annoyed. His job is to get the best deal for the players.

That said, if cricket boards are involved, this is not a player vote. And the entire position should be scrapped immediately. It’s not even like there are no other players on the committee. The entire committee is made up of former players, apart from Sangakkara. Anil Kumble, Dave Richardson, Andrew Strauss, Mark Taylor, Ravi Shastri, Trent Johnston, Clare Connor, Gary Kirsten, Ranjan Madugalle and John Stephenson are all there. They may have many different masters these days, but they are all players.

The ICC did instruct the boards not to interfere with the process, which is similar to when the ICC wanted politics out of cricket. It’s a nice idea, but spectacularly unpractical.

Perhaps these players voted on conscience. Perhaps their boards pushed them that way. But why would you want to twist any arms? What is the benefit you get from replacing May with Sivaramakrishnan?

There is talk, of course, that the BCCI is trying to stack the votes of the ICC cricket committee and that is why all these votes dramatically left Tim May. It seems odd that the BCCI would stack this committee, given that they have full control of the two committees above it; giving Sivaramakrishnan a vote hardly changes the power dynamic of the committee. And even if it did, the vote would hardly matter.

The cricket committee unanimously recommended the use of the Decision Review System (DRS) in all Tests in 2011. In 2013, we still don’t have that. We may not have it for years. So why stack a board that you ignore quite easily? That already has, as its chairman, a BCCI official in Anil Kumble and another paid BCCI commentator in Ravi Shastri, as a media representative?

If it’s not about votes on this fairly unimportant and easily ignored committee, what is it about?

Perhaps it is a play for power by some to control the message. Tim May is independent of all boards. In his role at FICA, there is probably no board he has not annoyed. His job is to get the best deal for the players.

May speaks his mind at all times. His job is to call out these boards. His job is to do what is best for the players. He is no board lackey or stooge, but his own man who believed so much in players having a unified voice that he created one for them.

What better way to embarrass this man, and FICA itself, than to have him ousted from his ICC role as the player’s representative by the same players he works for.

With that in mind, I wonder if all international players of 2012 would have picked Sivaramakrishnan over May if they were allowed to vote in a completely anonymous fashion. Not that a vote like that would ever be allowed to happen, it’s nothing more than a naïve utopian dream.

In cricket, the power is never with the people who play or pay, but always with the boards. It’s not a democracy, it’s a decadarchy.

cricket news hurl: fast hair

There are people who think I just start each edition of the news hurl with Jesse Ryder in it for fun. They don’t see it as a public service announcement like I do. This week it is clearly a public service announcement, as I am telling you that if you bid on the “NEW ZEALAND Cricket JESSE RYDER Signed Bat Frame” on eBay, you will get a fake. It is not Jesse’s autograph, and the metal information plate says West Ham, and is upside down.

It’s this sort of exploiting of cricketers that cannot go on.

That is where the ECB is stepping in. This summer in the UK they have trademarked terms like “Ashes”, “Ashes Cricket 2013″, “Australian batting collapse” and “Stuart Broad’s tight groin”. The idea is to stop ambush marketing and protect the ECB’s IP. Much like they in the Olympics. Of course, ambush marketing is impossible to stop. If someone wants Michael Vaughan to be the face of a men’s nail polish line this summer, as long as the trademarked words aren’t used and the nail polish can find enough money to tempt Vaughan, they can exploit the Ashes fever even without the magic words.

Wasim Akram might be a better choice for a men’s beauty product. It was Akram who suggested Pakistani stylist Nabila Ahmed give a lecture to young fast bowlers about the importance of good hair. According to Akram, “a good hairstyle and good dress add to your confidence and it can play a very good role in giving someone much-needed confidence.” It would be easy to mock this, but as Michael Holding, Dennis Lillee, Kapil Dev and Keith Miller have shown us, good hair can make the fast bowler. But Glenn McGrath had a nerdy kindergarten haircut for most of his career, and even mulleted up un-ironically at times. So sometimes talent is also important.

Even with rubbish hair, McGrath was also “cool” enough to inspire SAFM radio host Michael Beveridge to get a tattoo in his honour.

It’s not about the hair, it’s about the length.

It’s fair to say that Michael Mason never had great confidence from an Akhtar-like flowing mane. But this week he had amazing news when a story of him being picked up by Kings XI Punjab as a replacement for Ryan Harris made headlines. Despite the phone calls Mason received, the tweets shocked at the news, and even reports that appeared everywhere, Mason was not picked. The player Kings XI actually signed was Michael Neser, a Queensland allrounder. Mason is still retired, even though he has played as many IPL matches this season as Glenn Maxwell.

The MCC announced plans this week for global domination by talking of pimping out their lair, Lord’s, into the world’s greatest everything. They have a 200-million quid plan, and a 36-minute Youtube video explaining it all. The only problem being that most of their members had not heard of Youtube, or the internet, and those who did find the video fell asleep a few minutes in. Lord’s will have an updated food area and robot stewards who will obliterate anyone caught on their mobile phone during a Test. A member suggestion to clone 200 Glenn Maxwells was voted down when no one knew what they would do with 200 Glenn Maxwells.

Maxwell’s Mumbai Indians, which they are never known as, will now not have to play their playoffs in Chennai and lose use of Lasith Malinga, after a stunning decision from the BCCI. All recent evidence suggested that the entire cricket world was to be moved to Chennai so that Mr N Srinivasan (his 100-foot-high gold statue is still under construction) wouldn’t have to leave his favourite city. The madness of an obviously unfair playing condition had gone on long enough, but if it had continued during the playoffs, any pretence of the IPL being a serious and fair tournament could be completely flushed down the toilet. The matches have been moved to Delhi.

Even with the unfair playing field, some people still take the IPL very seriously. One man took it far too seriously. During a particularly close match between Royal Challengers Bangalore and Delhi Daredevils, an Englishman of 72 left the room, only to return to the room to see his wife had changed the channel. Rather than acting rationally and asking for the channel to be changed, he grabbed his wife and repeatedly told her he was going to kill her. The man was found guilty this week, made to pay a 100-quid fine and given a three-year good behaviour bond. Royal Challengers won the game in a Super Over.

This year is the 150th birth anniversary of the Diss Cricket Club (not made up). According to edp24.co.uk, this weekend, past members will all turn up to pose for an aerial photo. The playing group that Diss has constructed is also very impressive. “What really struck me last weekend was that we’ve got 11 players in the team who can bat very well and the majority of them can also bowl very well. It’s a remarkable set-up because we have all bases covered,” said club chairman Martin Fairweather. No wicketkeepers, though.

Rubel Hossain has the chicken pox. If he had better hair, he would not have got sick.

Another bowler with very stylish hair is Ryan Sidebottom. But there are two Ryan Sidebottoms. One from Yorkshire who is remembered for the natural perm and for yelling at his team-mates when they dropped a catch off him. And one who has a brother named Steele, and has just been awarded a contract with Victoria.

I hope future generations will inherit a world with more Ryan Sidebottoms and less fake Jesse Ryder merchandise.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This week we celebrate fifty years of One Day cricket, that’s a whole lot of boring middle overs.

Huddling

Cricinfo have a show called the Huddle which is recorded daily during the IPL. Proper famous people are on it.

And me.

I’ve done quite a few, but I haven’t linked to them here because like switch hit they aren’t my show.

But, here is one on cricket commentary.

If you like it, there are others, on many other things. You can even watch them live on the cricinfo home page.

At the end of the day, or the beginning, it is just me talking shit with people. Which is what I do.

cricket news hurl: slogging birthday edition

It wasn’t until Jesse Ryder tweeted, “Take a bow Chris Gayle unbelievable batting”, that the cricket world truly appreciated Gayle’s innings of 175 off 66 balls this week. The innings, which started going viral before he had finished it, included some of the most tremendous hitting off some of the most disgusting bowling ever. Except for Aaron Finch’s bowling, which was just unlucky.

It was an innings so good that the LA Times ran a story on it. Let’s laugh at them.

“West Indies batsman Chris Gayle rocked the sports world Tuesday, setting Twitter ablaze with praise in 140-character dollops when he scored the fastest 100 runs in the history of professional cricket after just 30 pitches.”

This should be a lesson to cricket administrators who talk up their Twitter activity. It sounds stupid even when Americans do it.

Americans were also mentioned in a Simon Hughes article. In the piece Hughes claimed that Michael Jordan was the sportsman of the 20th century, and that MS Dhoni was an early candidate as sportsman of the 21st century. Now I like MS Dhoni in a World Cup final, or an IPL game, or even occasionally in Test match, but comparing him to Jordan in any other way than with sponsorship deals seems way off. Jordan still is the all-time leading scorer per game in NBA history. He won six titles, three after a retirement. And he was in a film with Bugs Bunny.

Dhoni is pretty good too, but Ashish Reddy is no Joe Dumars. Dale Steyn is more like Joe Dumars but with more off days.

The well-named, for the sake of this segue, Jordan Clark also beat the hell out of a bowler who wasn’t having a good day. Clark, a 2nd XI player with Lancashire, hit (name withheld, because the poor bowler has been through enough) for six sixes in an over. Like Jordan, I know the thrill of hitting six sixes in an over. He might have done it in 2nd XI county match, but I think my six sixes off a man named Noel in a ’96 beer match at the Seth Raistrick Reserve in Campbellfield counts just the same.

Mind you, there is someone who put me, Gayle, Clark and Dhoni to shame a few years back. First-class Sri Lankan cricketer Dhanuka Pathirana was playing a club match in Lancashire’s Saddleworth League (it’s real, not made up). This match was a T20. In the match, Dhanuka made 277 off 72 balls. Twenty-five of the balls he faced didn’t go for four or six. Forty-seven did. Had Danny Morrison been there, his head would have flown off and scored another boundary. It was that kind of a party.

Another party was had this week when one of the world’s most popular cricketers had a birthday. Everyone was tripping over themselves to sound as deferential as possible. By the thousands, the birthday messages came in from cricket’s elite.

“Dear Monty, many happy returns of the day wishing you health and success always thank you god for this day regards”; “Have a super birthday Monty Panesar great to se you still playing and having fun a true Legend of the game”; “Happy Birthday Monty! May all things wonderful big & small always come your way now & forever! Lotza love always…”

One day Monty’s birthday will be a national holiday, such is the love, respect and admiration that the cricket world has for him.

It was a worse week for another spinner. Danish Kaneria had his lifetime ban appeal rejected. He can still have the ban shortened, although at his age that may not be of much comfort. Kaneria will also have to pay £100,000 in court costs for the privilege of losing. Being that he cannot play cricket and earn money in whatever way from that, making that 100g back will not be easy.

Money was also on Mark Taylor’s mind when he said, “If you look at the IPL and the money that’s going around there, that’s got to be a big influence, I think. As much as they all say ‘Test cricket’s the No. 1′, a million dollars is very distracting.” Shane Watson then spoke about the good qualities of the IPL. Of course, Watson has averaged 24 in the last two years in Test cricket.

The only two countries who don’t lose many players during the IPL are playing a Test right now. Bangladesh were embarrassed in the first Test, but have started well in the second, even though it’s at the exact same venue as the last Test.

That would not have been possible at the March Town Cricket Club. No games were possible there. Because crows ate the pitch. Talking to the BBC, club member Pat Ringham described the damage as being as if “50 hooligans let loose with golf clubs”. That’s some pretty aggressive crows, which were apparently just trying to eat some grubs.

John Parker, everyone’s favourite unofficial biographer of New Zealand disgraces, has apologised to Brendon McCullum for the nasty things he wrote in his 77-point dossier. Parker said he never wanted to discredit McCullum, and he probably didn’t. It was the NZC board he was after. Parker has now also apologised to Mike Hesson. This is probably the end of the Ross Taylor captaincy saga. It means that in the short term if we want to make fun of the Kiwis, it will have to be for what’s happening on the field, not off it.

Daily Mail readers made fun of Rod Stewart this week when pictures of him wearing his full cricket whites on the streets of LA were shown on the site. One commenter said, “Rodney is such a plonker sometimes..It’s L.A. not Lords.”

Stewart is a keen fan of cricket, and as such he would be pleased to know that Fawad Ahmed signed a three-year deal with Victoria this week. Now all we need to do is find this guy a passport and John Inverarity will send him to the Ashes. Chances are he’ll stay fit longer than Ryan Harris.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, emailcricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Happy birthday, Peter McIntrye.