Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 14

The Ghost of Dumb Sunny Jokes

Q: Why does Sunny have TGIF written on her shoes?

A: It means Toes Go In First.

=====

Q: Why does Sunny always smile during lightning storms?

A: She thinks her picture is being taken.

=====

The other day, Sunny was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to her and says "Excuse me, Miss, could I please see your driving license and registration."

She looks at the policeman and angrily says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

=====

"Hey, Eile!"

Eile comes into the room and finds Sunny on a ladder, just under the overhead light.

"Yeah? What's up, besides you?"

"I'm changing a light bulb and I need some help."

"Okay, what?"

Sunny holds the new bulb in the socket. "Now, spin the ladder!"

=====

Marseilles Sheraton once challenged Sunny to a game of intelligence. To sweeten the deal, Sunny would pay her $5 for every question she couldn't answer, but she'd pay her $50 for any question Sunny asked that she couldn't answer. She figured there was no way she could lose.

Sunny reluctantly agreed.

Sheraton started first: "What's the distance to the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, Sunny gave her $5.

Then it was Sunny's turn: "What goes up a hill on three legs, but comes down on four?"

Stumped, Sheraton ponders and thinks and schemes, but she can't come up with an answer, so she angrily gives Sunny $50.

Sunny takes it and says, "Your turn."

"Now just a minute! What's the answer?"

Without saying a word, Sunny hands her $5.

=====

One day Sunny went to check on the mail five times, but always came back empty-handed, and each time she just got more and more upset.

"Is something wrong?" Eile finally asked.

"I'll say! The dumb computer keeps telling me I got mail!"

=====

Sunny had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. She called Eile and was applying fresh lipstick when she arrived.

"Jesus Christ!" she gasped. "It looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm just fine," she chirped.

"Well, how the freakin' hell did this happen?"

"It was the strangest thing! I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ---"

"There ain't no trees on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth, ya bimbo!"

=====

Sunny had just gotten a new sports car. She cut in front of a semi, and almost caused it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motioned for her to pull over, and she does. The driver got out, drew a circle, and told her to stand in it. Then he got out his knife and cut up her leather seats. He turned around and saw she was smiling. So he went to his truck, took out a baseball bat, and started busting her windows and beating her car. He looked back and saw that she was laughing. He got really mad, so he took his knife and sliced her tires. He turned around and she was laughing so hard, she just about to fell down. He demanded, "What's so funny?" She said, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

=====

Sunny was on a plane in economy class going to Detroit when she got up and moved into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watched her do this, and politely informed her that she must sit in economy class because that was the type of ticket she paid for.

Sunny replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing her to move, the flight attendant went into the cockpit and informed the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refused to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot went back to Sunny and explained why she needed to move, but once again she replied by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and suggested that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot said, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He went back to Sunny and whispered quietly in her ear, and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moved back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

=====

Eile and Sunny are visiting a club one night when a ventriloquist gets on stage. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when Sunny stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, so Sunny yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little dummy on your knee."

Eile just palms her face.

=====

Sunny was once stranded on a desert island. She looked over the water to the mainland and thought, "That can't be more than 20 miles. I'm gonna swim to shore." So she starts swimming. She covers five miles, then ten, then fifteen, then 19. The shore is just in sight, but she thinks to herself, "I'm too tired to go on!"

So she turns around and swims back.

=====

Q: How do you know Sunny's been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Dieselpunk Alternative Reality Background

[Caption reads: Because steam wasn't dirty enough]

This is the background I created for my future Team Girl Alternative Reality story set in a dieselpunk world.

At the turn of the 20th century, an eccentric genius working for the US army at its weapons development and proving ground named Elizabeth Mabuse developed a number of innovations that revolutionized technology. Among them were dramatically increasing the efficiency and power output of diesel engines, the development of turbosuperchargers, creating compact electrical batteries with high storage capacities and high power output, inventing miniaturized mechanical systems, and devising compact programmable binary differential analyzers. She also originated advanced diesel formulations, additives, and new production methods, including liquefaction of coal, shale oil, and natural gas, and derivation from biomass. She laid the groundwork for rocketry, cybernetics, missiles, and directed energy weapons, and she conceived of the theoretical and mathematical basis of electrogravitics.

The army approached Pres. McKinley with her discoveries, but whereas he could see the potential of a few of her innovations, he barely understood the rest, and some frightened him. He vacillated on a decision for several months, and then was assassinated. Mabuse argued for using the newly invented x-ray machine to find the second bullet, but his doctors refused. She predicted he would die of a massive infection, which he did. This lent her credibility in the eyes of the new president, Theodore Roosevelt, who became excited by her ideas. He not only understood their general implications, he also saw their benefit to the military and American prestige. He envisioned them making America the richest, most industrially powerful, and mightiest military nation on Earth, while also vastly improving the lives of the average citizen. He approached J. P. Morgan with an offer to give Morgan and his cronies a virtual monopoly on exploiting the new innovations in exchange for not opposing him on his business and financial reforms. They agreed.

During the remainder of his first term, 1902-1904, while the industrial foundations were being laid, Mabuse completed her experiments and invented the first practical antigravity device, which created lift and thrust using electromagnetic fields to push against the Earth’s magnetic field. During his second term, 1905-1908, Morgan and his cronies began mass producing the new diesel engines, diesel fuels, batteries, and differential analyzers, while adapting the miniature mechanical systems to existing machines. Mabuse developed new innovations based on her work: robots, rocket engines, and electrogravitic lifters. She also laid the theoretical and mathematical groundwork for artificial intelligence. During his third term, 1909-1912, Morgan etc. began building superpowerful ships, heavily armored land vehicles, and huge locomotives. Mabuse developed the first self-aware autonomous robot, particle beam weapon, and high-speed heavy hovercraft. And during the first half of his fourth term, 1913-1914, Morgan etc. produced armored airplanes, missiles, land hovercraft, and the first hovership, a destroyer.

Roosevelt knew that the price of having these innovations was that Morgan etc. would sell them to the world at large. He couldn’t stop it, but he could restrict it. He made sure first of all that nothing could be sold abroad unless the US either had something better or a strong defense against it, and secondly, he banned the export of certain innovations altogether, while allowing others unrestricted export. Among the latter were the new diesel engine designs and diesel fuel formulations, and the differential analyzers. Mabuse objected to the latter being traded freely, claiming they could be used to reverse engineer existing innovations and design independent innovations, but for once Roosevelt overrode her, because he didn’t understand what she was trying to say. Meanwhile, Europe was in an arms race, and desperately wanted the American innovations. The diesel technology alone allowed them to create faster, stronger ships, aircraft, and land vehicles, including the new tanks, while the batteries allowed them to increase the power available to machines, and the miniaturized mechanical systems made the machines more efficient. They also clandestinely acquired rocket engines, robots, and lifters, and as Mabuse predicted, used the differential analyzers to reverse engineer the devices. As such, at the start of the Great War in July 1914, they had more powerful weapons than a decade before, but they were not able to take full advantage of all the innovations just yet. Nonetheless, the new weapons preventing the onset of trench warfare.

Roosevelt wanted to get in the war badly, but he had no excuse until the sinking of the Lusitania in May 1915. America’s early entry into the war on the side of the Allies against the Central powers had two effects: one was that it prevented the Russian Revolution, though the Allies forced the Romanovs to enact democratic reforms; the other was that it forced the Central Powers to sue for peace in 1916. The war ended in a stalemate. Roosevelt negotiated a settlement in which all borders would return to those before the war. He also forced Austria-Hungary to pay reparations to Serbia and Germany to Belgium, but otherwise he simply wanted to restore the pre-war status quo and balance of power. The US dominated the negotiations with its great military power, which gave it the most powerful fleet in world, though not the largest, as well as the most powerful air force, and the ownership of the only hovership fleet, small as it was. However, most political analysts at the time and later historians believed that all he had really done was reset the clock on all the old animosities. They predicted the world would be back at war in five to twenty years.

Roosevelt served a fifth term as president, 1917-1920, then two terms as president of the League of Nations, 1921-1928. He also won a second Nobel Peace Prize. He died in 1931 at the age of 73, satisfied that he had fulfilled his destiny. In his final decade, he tried to reign in European and later Asian ambitions, as well as maintain the balance of power in the face of an ever increasing arms race. Unfortunately, the presidents after him were not as diligent at keeping the new innovations from being sold all over the world, so the genie finally escaped from the bottle. As well, Britain independently developed the ioncraft, an air vehicle that used ionized air for propulsion, which made their aircraft faster than diesel prop planes, though not the American rocket planes, and more maneuverable. Their only real vulnerability was that they were unarmored. Meanwhile, Germany invented the turboprop engine, which increased the speed and power of prop-driven aircraft, though they were still inferior to the American rocket planes.

It is now 1934. Roosevelt’s policies prevented the Great Depression, so the prosperity of the 20’s continued through to the mid 30’s. The United States dominates world politics. It is the richest, most powerful country in the world, with the greatest industrial capability and the most innovative inventers. With the exception of the ioncraft, the turboprop, and a few derivative designs, it has been able to maintain its technological edge. Its navy is the smallest in the world, but the strongest. It has the largest hovership fleet in the world, as well as the largest, most powerful air force. Its army is the smallest in the world, but it uses mobile armored and artillery units and robotic infantry. It is the only country equipped with particle beam weapons, used by their largest hoverships and protecting their major cities. Land-based hovervehicles are ubiquitous; there are almost no wheeled vehicles left except for locomotives. All manual and service labor is done by robots. While that caused high unemployment at first, access to free education made it possible for 98% of the population to earn the degrees necessary to obtain professional jobs. Virtually everyone enjoys a high standard of living; though racial prejudice still exists, even minorities are much better off than they were a decade or so before. However, weaknesses are beginning to show, most notably in a lack of critical natural resources. Roosevelt had followed a policy of imperial acquisition to obtain lands rich with resources, but most of the world had already been claimed. Most analysts do not believe the US can maintain its lead too much longer.

The United Kingdom still has the largest navy in the world, but it is limited to Great War-era guns, making it less powerful overall. Its army is the third largest, but nearly as advanced as the US army, except that it still relies heavily on people rather than robots. It has the third largest air force, but its ioncraft make it superior to the air force of any other country except the US. It has the smallest hovership fleet, but it has a large force of airships driven by ioncraft engines that are capable of carrying troops and ioncraft all over the world. Its industrial capacity is about third, and it relies on American goods. Nonetheless, its worldwide empire supplies it with vast natural resources. Its people are fairly prosperous, but many still live in rural villages which the innovations haven’t reached yet, and it has the fewest robots of the major powers. Its empire, the largest in the world, makes it a rival to the US on the world political stage. Ostensibly, the US and the UK are allies against Germany and Austria-Hungary; however, the alliance was based on the trade of resources for technology. It has become strained lately because the US has given all the technology it can, yet still expects resources. The US wants to work out a deal in which it trades manufactured goods for resources, but the UK is trying to build up its own industrial power in its colonial possessions. Some analysts believe a new world war could erupt between America and Britain. Its greatest weakness is its conservative traditionalism. Many innovations that could make it stronger are rejected, such as robots because they would interfere with the traditional master-servant relationship.

Germany and Austria-Hungary formally merged in 1927 to form the Pan-Germanic Empire. Though Austria-Hungary benefited the most from the merger, the combination increased the power of both. They have the second largest navy, which is more modern than Britain’s; the second largest air force; the second largest army, though it’s not as modern as America’s or Britain’s; and the second largest hovership fleet. Their industrial capacity is second only to the US, while their combined empire is second only to the UK. Their people are almost as prosperous as those in the US, though there are fewer robots for manual and service labor; however, their factories are almost completely manned by robots. All of this together would probably make them the second most influential power in the world, but Pan-Germany is still counted as third due to British prestige and the size of its empire. Even so, their existence keeps the US and the UK from becoming enemies. They have two weaknesses: one, is a belief in their racial superiority, which often makes them jump before they are ready; the other, is the ethnic divisions within the territory of the old Austro-Hungarian Empire. Many Pan-Germans would willing give these minor states their independence just to be rid of them, but the political authorities want to expand their industries into those states.

The Russian Empire is almost the poor boy on the block. Its overall military power is the most outdated of the major powers. It has the smallest air force, its navy is only slightly larger than America’s, and its hovership fleet is smaller than Britain’s. It has the weakest industrial capacity, the smallest empire except for the US, and the worst standard of living, even compared to other European countries. It ranks fourth in international influence, but as an ally of the US and UK, it poses a serious threat to Pan-Germany. It is also a strong regional power, being as all of its neighbors are weaker. It does, however, have three advantages: it has a huge internal territory for expansion, even bigger than the US; it has more resources than America, Britain, and Pan-Germany combined; and it has the largest army in the world, equal to if not greater than the combined armies of the other major powers, supplemented by a large robot force. Its weakness, however, is internal strife caused by class warfare and political fractionation. Many analysts believe the country is ripe for revolution, either by the Soviet party or the Imperialist party.

As for the rest of Europe, France and Spain are no longer considered major powers, Spain due to the loss of her empire and France because she was the hardest hit during the Great War. Spain has only a token military force that is highly obsolete, but it has a strong industrial capacity and a good standard of living. They are allies of the US and UK. France’s military and industrial capacity were devastated in the Great War and have not yet fully recovered; their armed forces are weaker than Russia, though their industrial capacity is better. However, they still have a large empire with plentiful natural resources, and a high standard of living. They are also modernizing at a rate that rivals America’s. They are allies of the US and UK. Italy had been a member of the Allies in the Great War, but since the rise of the National Fascist Party and its leader Benito Mussolini, it has grown closer to Pan-Germany. It has the strongest military in Europe except for the major powers; its navy and air force are larger than Russia’s, but it has only a token hovership force, smaller even than Britain’s. It has a strong industrial capacity and a high standard of living, and is also rapidly modernizing. Its empire is even smaller than America’s, but Mussolini has designs to aggressively expand it. Scandinavia, the Low Counties, Switzerland, and the Balkan States are all officially neutral; however, the Low Countries and the Balkans tend to side with the Allies. They are all reasonably prosperous and have good industrial capacities, but militarily have only token forces, smaller even than Spain’s. However, Belgium has a small empire that provides it with industrial resources. The Ottoman Empire lost many of its remaining colonies during the Great War, but its military and industrial capacity remained intact. It has been slow to modernize and its forces are small, but some analysts consider them the fifth major European power after Russia. They are concentrating on building a hovership fleet at the expense of their other branches; at present, their fleet is larger than Russia’s, though still smaller than Britain’s.

The Japanese Empire is the new kid on the block. Currently their military is highly modern, but smaller than that of the Western powers, though growing rapidly. The same is true of their industrial capacity and standard of living. They have a small empire, but that too is growing. Currently it is an ally of the US, but its expansionist policies have put it at odds with Britain, France, and Russia. It also has designs on the Philippines and Hawaii, of which the US is aware but discounts as being a speculative venture at best.

Of the rest of the world, Africa, the Middle East, China, and Southeast Asia have been almost completely divided up by the various empires, except for the South African Boer Republic (the British having lost the Second Boer War). India is under the control of Britain; Australia and Canada are independent, but recognize the British sovereign as their head of state and defer to the British Parliament. Mexico, Central, and South America, thanks to the Monroe and Roosevelt doctrines, are independent, but are under American control, though Brazil and Argentina are able to exert a large degree of independence.

Globally, the world is an armed camp. It is dominated by a handful of imperial nations, whether they be democratic, monarchical, or totalitarian, who have claimed as colonies or dependents virtually every part of the world beyond the borders of Europe and North America, except Antarctica. These nations have in turn formed two power blocs: the Triple Entente, consisting of America, Britain, and Russia, and the Triple Alliance, consisting of Germany, Austria-Hungary (now Pan-Germany), and Italy, with Japan an independent third party. In addition to their member’s colonies, the blocs also contain various allied states: for the tE, this includes Canada, Australia, France, Spain, Portugal, Brazil, and nominally the Low Countries and the Balkan States, while for the tA this includes the Ottoman Empire, South Africa, Argentina, and nominally Scandinavia. In addition to their own military might, the imperial powers also station expeditionary and defensive forces in their colonies, to conduct or prevent raids into or by rival powers. So far, the blocs have been able to maintain a state of cold war, with an occasional hot brush war in the colonies, due to: a balance of technological and military power; an alliance structure that places opposing nations in close proximity, thereby guaranteeing that virtually no one is safe from attack; and the negotiating power of the League of Nations backed by the United States, the only power not vulnerable to hostile neighbors. Nonetheless, most analysts believe the current situation is unstable and that even a minor shift in technological advantage or the alliance structure could plunge the whole world into war.

It is a Western Caucasian dominated world, with other races and ethnic cultures treated as second-class citizens, even within democracies with high standards of living and education available for all, but more so in colonial possessions or dependent states. The division between the Haves and Have-nots has increased dramatically, with the imperial powers and their allies enjoying unprecedented prosperity while their colonies live in poverty. While some provide primary education services, native students who show promise are sent to secondary schools and universities within the imperial nation to be indoctrinated into their assumed place within imperial society. This has spawned a number of independence movements in the colonies, which are encouraged and supported by rival powers.

Environmentally, despite the current diesel technology being highly efficient, it is not particularly clean, and large amounts of carbon dioxide and particulate pollutants are pumped into the atmosphere each year. So far, these have created a balance between warming and cooling, with the particulates having a slight edge, but the balance is delicate and minor perturbations could cause disastrous climate changes. Smog is fairly common, especially in Europe, but even in major American cities, and in some places can be fairly toxic. The oceans and major rivers are used as garbage dumps, and while for now they remain fairly clean, some coastal waters and rivers have become badly contaminated. Deforestation and desertification in the colonies has increased as land is converted into plantations for food and cash crops, while other areas have been ruined by open-pit mining or industrial expansion. Some animal species haven been driven to extinction by overhunting, loss of habitat, and pollution, while many others are threatened. A few analysts believe that the world is facing a major ecological disaster that will strike in several years, or at best a few decades, but they are largely derided as fear-mongering Cassandras and Luddites.

How Old Are Tropes?

Many times, people will recognize a trope from their favorite book, movie, or TV show, and as they spot it in other works they will come to believe that their favorite story invented it, unless they happen to see it in a work that clearly predates their favorite. It's a curious myopia that seems to be wired into the human brain, since it can apply to a wide variety of things beyond just tropes, but in fact most tropes are actually Older Than They Think. This can lead to rather comical episodes of people accusing older works of ripping off ideas from works that were created after them. Here are some examples:

Jules Verne and H. G. Wells described Mecha 50 years before they first appeared in manga and anime.

Believe it or not, there are people who believe the quote about going towards the third star on the right and straight on until morning originated with Capt. Kirk in Star Trek VI, when in fact he quoted Peter Pan.

Adventurer Archaeologists predate Indiana Jones, going at least as far back as the Thirties, and possibly to the 19th century with Allan Quartermain.

The concept of hiding one's soul in a Horcruxe goes back to the Lich in Dungeons & Dragons, which is itself derived from the ancient Russian legend of Koschei the Deathless.

The characterization of Hawkeye Pierce from MASH is based in part on Groucho Marx.

The modern concept of Vampires not being destroyed by the Sun can be traced back to Dracula, and further back to Slavic folk traditions.

Eyeglasses were first invented in the 12th century, and were in common use by the 14th century (among those who could afford them).

There are people who truly believe that "revenge is a dish best served cold" is a Klingon saying (that is, invented by a Star Trek scriptwriter who attributed it to Klingons in-universe), when in reality it was coined by Eugene Sue in 1841.

----------

In fact, a great many tropes are The Oldest Ones in the Book. These are all tropes that predate the election of John F. Kennedy as President of the US in November 1960. Though this cutoff may seem somewhat arbitrary, 1960/61 does stand as a significant watershed moment when the nature of television programming began to change into its modern form.

All tropes that predate 1961 can be divided into broad time periods based on key milestones in human cultural development:

Older Than Dirt -- Tropes that originated before the Greek alphabet (circa 800 BC). Though these tropes were codified from mythology, at least some, if not most, probably originated with the prehistoric preliterate oral storytelling tradition.

***** The Action Girl almost certainly originated with war goddesses, if not Cro-Magnon women who preferred hunting and fighting over more domestic activities. Although, conditions being what they were, European early modern human females probably enjoyed greater autonomy in hunter-gatherer societies than their farmer descendents, due to the need for everyone in a small group to participate in collecting enough food to survive. In fact, there is speculation that women pioneered the use of nets and traps to catch game.

Older Than Feudalism -- Tropes that originated before the fall of the Roman Empire (AD 476). These were codified from later myths, but also the Bible and other holy books, theatre, literature, philosophy, and history.

***** The Best Her to Bed Her trope originated with the myth of Atalanta, the Greek girl who would not marry any man unless he could beat her in a footrace.

Older Than Print -- Tropes that originated before the invention by Gutenberg of his system of printing with movable type (1439). These were codified from folklore, legendary sagas, Medieval literature, Chivalric romance poetry, and Celtic and Norse mythology, among other sources.

***** The trope that Cold Iron can protect against Fairies and other supernatural creatures originated in this period.

Older Than Steam -- Tropes that originated before the invention of the steam engine (1698; the steam engine actually developed in a series of stages over a period of 150 years, but this was the year the first patent for a steam-driven water pump was issued). This is the period of Shakespeare, Cervantes, Jonathon Swift, and John Milton, among others.

***** He Who Fights Monsters originates in this period; Nietzsche merely codified the best known version.

Older Than Radio -- Tropes that originated before the invention of radio (1890; like steam engines, radios were invented in multiple stages over a 30-year period, but it was around this date that long-distance wireless communication was demonstrated to be possible, eventually leading to voice transmission in as little as 10 years). This is the classic age of English literature, including penny dreadfuls, and saw the emergence of science fiction, gothic horror, and the detective story. This was also when many European legends and fairy tales were first collected and recorded. It was the last age in which books and magazines would dominate popular entertainment.

***** The trope of the Mad Scientist originated in this period, mostly with Frankenstein.

Older Than Television -- Tropes that originated before the start of mass television (1939; this is when regular broadcasting began in the US). Radio and the cinema were the first new media to appear in millennia, and dominated popular entertainment during this period. Superheroes originated in this period, and most of the Sherlock Holmes stories were written at this time.

***** The Green-Skinned Space Babe trope originated during this period (with Deja Thoris, even though she had red-colored skin).

Classic TV -- Tropes that originated on TV between 1940 and 1960, when it overtook radio and cinema as the dominant media for popular entertainment.

***** Situation Comedies, or "Sitcoms", in their modern form originated in this period. Whether that's good or bad is up to each person to decide.

There is also a special cutoff date for video games called Older Than the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System; 1985), being as they and the tropes they use are even more recent than TV. Note, however, that while the gaming versions of these tropes originated in pre-NES days, many are modern interpretations of older tropes that date to before TV, or radio, or steam, and occasionally are even Older Than Dirt.

***** The game-version of Dungeon Crawling originated with the dnd video game, but the trope itself was codified by tabletop RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons. However, it can be found in literary sources that are Older Than TV, and some myths that are Older Than Print, Feudalism, or Dirt feature this basic pattern as part of their plot.

----------

Most tropes are old because storytelling is itself thousands of years old, but Society Marches On, and as you might expect, as society changes it creates conditions that can spawn new tropes. These become The Newest Ones In the Book, and if they had their own period it would be Younger Than Disco (anytime after 1979, when the anti-disco backlash began in earnest). The Alien Autopsy is a good example, since it did not exist until 1995. Tropes associated with the Internet and other forms of new media, post-NES video games, and Wikis also qualify.

In fact, there are tropes that are Newer Than They Think. These are tropes that seem like they should be as old as the hills, but really originated more recently. However, whereas tropes that are Older Than They Think are mistaken for being recent but actually originate before 1960, tropes that are Newer Than They Think are not the exact opposite. The examples below should make this more clear, but more often than not the trope is simply younger than the audience believes it to be, regardless of on which side of the 1960 boundary it resides. For example:

Superman's hometown of Smallville was first mentioned in 1949, but its location in Kansas did not become canon until 1986.

Most of the tropes associated with the Frankenstein monster were never in the original book (first published in 1818), but originated over a century later, beginning with the first movie in 1931: the mute, lumbering, Boris Karloff-style monster; the idea that Victor Frankenstein was an actual doctor and a baron; Transylvania as his nationality; Igor as his assistant; and the depiction of the monster as created from pieces of corpses and brought to life by a bolt of lightning.

Before the publication of Don Quixote beginning in 1605, long-form fiction was either epic poetry or Based On a Great Big Lie (fiction the authors claimed actually happened). Cervantes was the first writer of the modern novel.

Though written in 1814, The Star-Spangled Banner did not become the official anthem of the United States until 1931.

The overwhelming majority of Christmas Carols are no older than the 19th century. At best, ancient tunes were given modern lyrics.

Ashokan Farewell, which served as the theme music for Ken Burn's documentary of the Civil War, was written in the 1980s, not during the Civil War. (It is, however, the only piece of modern music used in the series, so some confusion is understandable.)

As with much of modern "Scottish culture", the Great Highland Bagpipe did not exist until the turn of the 19th century. (Much of what we think of as authentic Highland Celtic culture is itself Based On a Great Big Lie. It was invented by the new English landowners after the Clearances to fake a Scottish cultural heritage they had usurped.)

The term "pub", short for public house, is a relatively modern term even in England, and actually refers to inns or guesthouses. When Shakespeare, for example, spoke of places to go and buy drinks, he said taverns.

The carrying of the lit torch to start the Olympic Games does not come from antiquity. It was invented for the 1936 Games ... by the Nazis.

The use of white smoke to announce the election of a pope did not begin until 1846 at the earliest.

Next week, I will discuss various forms of Artistic License.

Dreamlands Bestiary: Goblins

Goblins are a race that lives in the Dreamlands. Whether they can cross over into the Waking World has not been established.

They are small humanoids, with no precise body plan beyond a bipedal four-limbed shape. In fact, their appearance is highly variable; individuals with two heads, single eyes, or weirdly distorted limbs are not uncommon. They do wear clothing and are fairly adept weavers and tailors.

They live in the wild, in forests, glens, vales, and ruins, anywhere isolated from civilization. Even so, many live in close proximity to Human or Leng Men communities, even if hidden. They are known to steal children, offer weeds and toadstools magically disguised as delicious treats in exchange for grain or milk, and play cruel pranks on adventurers, merchants, and other travelers. However, they are not malicious, and anyone who gains their respect can become a friend. They are afraid of Cats, but for the most part both races leave each other alone.

Goblins live in individual households of extended families. They live like free peasants, living off the land and making what they need; they are accomplished craftsmen. They maintain small cultivated plots of vegetables, but also gather wild food and hunt. The local families do get together at various times, for marriages, dances, games, carnivals, fairs, and the like.

The closest thing they have to a social and cultural center is the Goblin Market, located in a secret valley in the Karthian Hills southeast of Teloth. Open more or less permanently year around, it is a place where Goblin families can come to trade for things they need but cannot make themselves, as well as engage in general merriment and revelry. It is not uncommon for young male and female Goblins to find mates there. Humans and Leng Men who have befriended them can participate as long as they deal fairly and with respect. It is rumored that some merchants have even been allowed to trade goods of their own.

Despite their unsavory reputation, Goblins are peaceful, but they will defend themselves if attacked, and they will retaliate against their neighbors. Their weapons tend to be simple, even primitive, but they are still very effective, and like Cats they attack en masse.

Synopsis: Grand Quest II-Part 1 (a Sir Differel Dreamlands adventure)

But Darkness and the Gloomy Shade of Death Environ You

64 days left

Victor, Differel, and the Girls are up before dawn. After a wash and breakfast, they met with Medb and Kuranes to go over what they are to do. Then they mount the hippogriff and take off. The Girls find the flight exhilarating at first, but the monotony of water quickly becomes boring. Once over land again, however, their interest piques as they see landmarks from on high they had only seen previous from the ground. They also see features they hadn't known about before. Once they all arrive in Ulthar, Victor stables the hippogriff and arranges for it to be fed, then they all go to see Mephitis. She shows them a sample of morbidun, a grayish-brown, oily liquid that she would rather people not know she had. She also gives them a piece of the fungus so that they can better recognize it.

They grab a bite at an outdoor stall, then visit Aislinn. She shows them a map of the Underworld, pointing out such features as the Gug city, the Crag of the Ghouls, the Peaks of Thok with the volcano Flaunth, the Vale of Pnath, and the Vaults of Zin. She has no information as to which vale the fungus may be found; however, she knows exactly where to find the Ghoul wizard, named Shuggob, because she visited him once with Medb. She points to a spot on her map, on the edge of the Vale of Pnath, not far from the Ghoul crag. She allows the Girls to make a tracing of her map and gives them an accurate chronometer to tell the time, then they go to Kranon, the Burgomaster of Ulthar. They advise him of their mission, and inform him that Kuranes will be arriving in a day or two. He authorizes them to take whatever supplies they need from the merchants, pending payment by Kuranes. While they do so, they encounter Morgiana, the Master Thief. She explains that Medb had contacted her and asked her to help them, since at some point they may need a thief's skills. Differel is suspicious, but Eile and Sunny believe her and accept her.

By the time they finish, it is sunset. They go to Günderson's tavern for a feast, where they talk to Karella about their mission. Afterwards, the Girls decide to spend a couple of hours at Lady Trotula's bathhouse; they give the key to their house to Differel and Victor, and tell them to make themselves at home, while Morgianna goes to stay at the Thieves Guild. When the Girls return later, they find Differel and Victor asleep together in the guest bedroom.

63 days left

Over breakfast at the Laughing Cat, they decide to wait for Kuranes, but after a couple of hours they get restless. Differel wants to start immediately; they have the map, surely they should be able to find this Shuggob on their own. Victor and Morgiana advise against it and Eile is hesitant, but Sunny is eager and Eile sides with Sunny, so Victor and Morgiana agree to come along. They set off with their supplies on three zebras to the Enchanted Woods. They travel to the Zoog village to apprise them of their mission to the Underworld. They negotiate for right of passage through the Woods for Kuranes and his men, and then are taken to the stone slab covering the entrance to the Tower of Koth. It lies inside a monolithic circle of stone so huge that they tower into and above the forest canopy.

The slab itself is rectangular, roughly twelve feet by five, with an iron ring in its center. Despite its antiquity, the ring shows no sign of rust. They build an A-frame and use it to see if they can lift the slab. They find they can using the zebras to help. They divide up the supplies, giving each of themselves seven days worth of food while caching the rest and leaving Shadow-stalker and the Zoogs to watch over it. They raise the stone, prop it open with a log, and go down inside the opening. Once at the bottom, they pull the prop out and the slab drops back into place. Sunny creates a globe of light on the end of her staff to see by. The Girls and their party find themselves in the topmost floor of a tower, with a spiral staircase leading down. The room and the steps are huge, as if made for giants. As such, descent is slow, as they carefully ease down each step.

A flotilla of cloud barges consisting of a dreadnaught, three destroyers, and four chase-boats, appear over Ulthar, but no one is alarmed because it bears the standard of Ooth-Nargai. The dreadnaught lands in an open area west of the town while the other barges take up positions over it. Kranon and the other burghers go out to meet Kuranes and they set up a command camp in the shadow of the dreadnaught. Kranon reports on the girls' visit, and states that they left that morning for the Enchanted Woods. Medb is pleased that they did well, and she goes into town as the Cat Queen and her Council arrive to confer with Kuranes. She meets with her friends Lachlinde, Tabitha Grayson, Scylla the Hetaera, Tokoyo, and Karella at the Inn of the Dreaming Skull, and the latter two agree to accompany her into the Underworld. She then writes a note and tosses it into the fire.

After a couple of hours according to the chronometer, the Girls and their party finally reach the bottom of the Tower of Koth. Morgiana listens at the door, but hears nothing. They manage to force the door open wide enough to slip out. They find themselves in a city of cyclopean towers that stretch up into the dim sky out of sight. They cannot see the roof of the cavern, but rather than being in pitch darkness, there is a dim grayish light that seems to emanate from above. It's enough to see by when their eyes adjust, so Sunny extinguishes her light to avoid attracting attention. The Tower is in the middle of a courtyard surrounded by a forest of towers, but it seems to be deserted.

They head up what looks like a main thoroughfare, hoping it will lead them out of the city. The street winds around, but they don't meet any inhabitants, and finally they see a wall with an open gate up ahead. As they approach, Caliburn appears in Differel's hand, never a good sign. A Gug appears from out of a tower. It stares at them for a moment, then bellows an ululation. The party takes off for the gate with the Gug in pursuit. They are cut off by two who appear in the gate. They run along the wall as more Gugs exit other towers and give chase. They run about a quarter of the way around when Morgiana spots a split in the wall. It's just big enough to squeeze through. Eile goes first, followed by Morgiana, then Victor. A Gug appears and grabs Sunny, but Differel cuts off its arm. Sunny gets through and Differel follows.

They find themselves on a broad plain leading down to the shore of a huge, dark sea. There is no cover, and they can hear the Gugs bugling as they run back to the gate. They take off towards the shore, hoping to evade their pursuers, but the Gugs are soon right behind them. When they reach the shore, they find no sanctuary and are forced to make a stand. They climb onto a rock promontory to put themselves higher up and limit the number of Gugs that can come at them at once. They are surrounded, and exchange blows for a few minutes, when gigantic tentacles rise up out of the sea. The Gugs back off, but the tentacles do not attack, at first. Instead, a huge eye emerges from the water and examines them all. It bends down towards the Girls' party. A smaller tentacle reaches up and pokes at Sunny, then Eile. Finally it directs its attention towards the Gugs and attacks them savagely. The Gugs scatter, but the tentacles are able to reach them even over a great distance. Those caught are dragged into the sea.

The party makes a run for it, and they soon put themselves far away from the carnage. They pause long enough to check the map, then turn inland towards the Vaults of Zin. While they have no intention of going near the entrance, it is one of the few landmarks on their map. It takes longer for them to cover the distance than the map seems to indicate; it obviously wasn't drawn to scale. Though there is no sun, their growing fatigue and hunger, and the chronometer, indicate that they are well into evening before they reach it. As earlier, cover is scarce, but they come upon a ruin, little more than a jumble of stone blocks, but sufficient to give them shelter, and they decide to sleep there for the night.

With five of them, they decide on a 90-minutes watch rotation cycle; Victor volunteers to take first shift and Sunny the last. They do not wish to risk a fire, and they have a cold supper. It is obvious to all of them this expedition was a mistake, but no one voices any complaint; they all agreed to come. After eating, Victor settles himself into a spot where he can see all around without being seen, and the others find places to curl up for sleep. Differel remains awake and she and Victor talk. She feels guilty that her impatience has put them all in danger, but Victor assures her that they were all as reckless and overconfident as she, so she is nothing special. The facetious reprimand reassures her and she goes to sleep herself.

Medb is conferring with Kuranes and the Cat Queen when Ceara Lasairíona the Fire Sorceress enters the common room through the fire. Medb explains the situation and asks her to come along. She states the Council of Sorcerers for the city of Lelag-Leng is aware of the situation and wishes to offer its support, hence she has been ordered to help in any way she can. Medb indicates she does not plan to leave for the Underworld until morning, and Ceara replies that she has no accommodations, which prompts Medb to offer to let her share her bed. As they leave to go to the Laughing Cat, the Cat Queen and Kuranes observe that sleep is probably not a high priority for them.

After Victor, first Eile, then Morgiana took the watch, and she woke Differel to finish the night before Sunny's turn. Differel notes that the plain is somewhat empty of creatures: a couple of Gugs at separate intervals, several solitary twisted humanoid figures scuttling about, once a massive multilegged creature strode by, partially hidden by the gloom, but none approached the ruins. It made her wonder if it was because they knew the ruins held nothing of interest, or if they were frightened of them. Alarmed by the possibility, she checks the sleepers and the supplies, but nothing seems amiss. She is startled by Cailleach Beara, telling her she need not fear; while the ruins had been home to a gilleytrot at one time, it has long since moved on.

Differel is upset at the hag's appearance, but Cailleach assures her she means her no harm, above all people. As her protector, it is her obligation to aid her in whatever way would be best. So far, Differel has handled herself quite well; even coming here in anything less than full strength was not as foolish a decision as she now believes it to be. However, before this matter is concluded, she will face a hard test, one that may be beyond her. Cailleach cannot interfere with whatever may be her destiny, but she can provide the means of surviving this quest.

She offers what looks like a medal; Differel realizes it is an exact replica of the George Cross awarded to her after the defeat of the Fomorian invasion of Britain. She refuses to accept it at first, feeling inadequate to its honor, but Cailleach informs her that here in the Dreamlands, awards of honor can only be worn by those who deserve them, and have a power that only their true owners can wield. Differel takes it, if only to make the hag go away, but as soon as she touches it, it begins to glow. It fades in moments, but suddenly she realizes the hag was telling the truth, and she slips it on around her neck. She asks what its power is, and Cailleach, smiling, replies that she will discover that for herself in due time. With that she vanishes. Differel settles in to complete her watch, but for the first time she feels a confidence that she never felt before.

62 days left

When Medb and her party of friends, cats, and Ooth-Nargai dragoons arrive in the Zoog village and are told where the five went, she is livid. She takes them immediately to the stone slab, and the dragoons use the A-frame left standing to raise it. She then goes down into the tower with her companions, Shadow, and Saighlíne, Kami, Ssas'sashu'ra, Uilmheidhrea, Karella, Tokoyo, and Ceara, while the cats and dragoons remain behind. Ubasti elects to remain behind with the cats and dragoons. They then begin the long climb down.

Sunny awakens the others with food she heated using her magic. It does much to lift their spirits, and when they are ready they continue on.

Medb's party finally reaches the bottom of the tower and enters the Gug city. The Gugs are abroad and close in to attack, but Medb quickly deters them. One approaches her and "talks" to her in a form of sign language augmented by facial expressions and gestures. Medb replies, and they have a conversation for a short while as the others keep an eye on the other Gugs surrounding them. Medb finally breaks off and heads out of the city. The Gugs follow, but make no attempt to stop them. However, they halt at the city gate and let them leave unmolested. Once some distance from the gate, Medb informs the others that the Gugs chased the girls and their party out towards the sea, where they lost them. However, since they are trying to reach Shuggob on their own, they will have to go by way of the Vaults and the Gug cemetery. They should be able to catch up with them somewhere around there.

The Girls' party reaches the vicinity of the Vaults around mid-morning. They pause within sight of the opening, but don't go anywhere near it. Far ahead of them, they can see on the horizon the peaks of a vast mountain range. They check the map and draw a bearing on a field of monoliths, then set out for them. Before they can get very far, however, they are confronted by a Ghast. As they try to divert around it, more appear. They soon discover they are surrounded except in the direction of the Vaults. When they try to break through, the Ghasts attack and force them back. It quickly becomes apparent they are herding them, but there is little they can do; there are too many.

As they approach the Vaults, many more come out of the cave mouth and fully encircle them. Before they can move in for the kill, however, a blast of light erupts, blinding and searing the Ghasts, as arrows and fireballs slam into them. When the light fades, Saighlíne and Kami cut through their ranks and clear a path. As the Girls' party makes a break for it, the Ghasts charge, but another blast of light disrupts and scatters them. When it fades, the Girls and their companions see Medb with her companions. The two groups merge and head off for the monoliths. It is obvious Medb is upset at their foolishness, but she makes no reprimand; there's no point.

Half way to the monoliths, they take a break to rest and eat. Medb takes the opportunity to introduce her friends to Differel and Victor. She then calls a quick council. She explains that since everyone present has either been on adventures with her, or have had military training and experience, or are adventurers in their own right, and she has come to know and trust their abilities, she will make no attempt to dictate particular roles. She expects everyone to respond to any encounter with good judgment and courage, and she will permit anyone to handle an encounter as she or he sees fit.

However, they each have specialties that should be used as and when appropriate. Long-range missile fire can be handled by her sling, Tokoyo's long bow, and Sunny's composite bow; while medium-range missile fire can be provided by Karella's short bow and Victor's crossbow, and short-range fire by Differel's pistols. Magical attack and defense can be provided by herself, Ceara, and Sunny. Heavy assault combat can be handled by herself, Tokoyo, and Saighlíne, while Kami, Karella, Eile, and Differel will provide light assault combat, and Morgiana, Victor, and Sunny can handle defensive combat. Ssas'sashu'ra is the wild card; she should do whatever seems best at the time. Uilmheidhrea and Sunny should be the medics, Morgiana and Victor the scouts, Kami and Differel the rearguard, Saighlíne and Tokoyo the flank guards, Karella and Eile as outriders, with Ceara and Ssas'sashu'ra taking up the center.

However, she believes they should all stay close and in visual contact with each other. In the Underworld, while a large group will attract attention, there is safety in numbers, and they could be picked off individually if they stray too far or pass out of sight. Besides, being close means they can rush to each other's aid as needed. They all agree that her recommendations are fair, and they start off again.

They reach the monoliths about mid-afternoon. To Eile, they look like headstones for graves, and Medb confirms they are; it is a Gug cemetery. Morgiana and Victor signal to approach with caution, and when they do, they discover the Gugs have surrounded an open grave. They are pulling chunks of meat out of it and consuming them; they are eating one of their own dead bodies. The scene is too horrific for some of them to take, and Medb leads them away at an oblique angle towards the far-off Peaks of Thok. However, they are detected and the Gugs give pursuit. This time, they are not intimidated by Medb's or Ceara's pyrotechnics. A group suddenly appears in front of them and cuts them off. More arrive, and the party of adventurers find themselves surrounded. Medb and Ceara immolate some of them, while others are brought down by arrows, bolts, or bullets fired into their mouths or necks, but they are replaced by others and close in. Eile and Differel realize that despite their losses, they seem determined to reach the party, as if being driven to it.

Then a flock of Nightgaunts arrives and harry the Gugs. At the same time, Ghouls appear and dance around the encircling Gugs, gibbering and gesticulating like mad. They do not attack, but the Gugs seem terrified of them and run off. The Ghouls then close in, but Medb approaches them with the Girls and Differel. One comes forward and meeps at them, and Medb answers back. When Sunny exclaims that she can talk with them, Medb states she learned centuries ago in ancient Ireland, though her accent is probably quite strange. Another Ghoul comes forward and replies that strange is not the word for it, and she recognizes it as Marrowsucker, a one-time Irish warrior whom she befriended when she first arrived in the Dreamlands.

Marrowsucker also knows who the Girls are, and he invites the party to the Ghoul warren. When Medb demurs, he insists, saying that the Ghoul leaders demand it. Medb understands she has no choice and she and the party follow them. They travel the rest of the day and what would be half the night, before fatigue forces a stop. While the party sleeps, Medb, Differel, and the Girls confer with Marrowsucker and explain why they have arrived. He sends runners on ahead of them to tell the leaders, but he doubts they will reconsider their original orders. Medb then admits to Differel and the Girls that this was a wrinkle she had not anticipated. Nonetheless, they cannot see Shuggob without the Ghouls' cooperation, so they have no choice.

61 days left

Medb awakens the party at what would be dawn, and as they eat, the runners return. Sure enough, the leaders understand their need, but insist they confer with them first. So they start out again. About mid-morning, however, they are met by a band of Ghouls who have come to help escort them. Their leader salutes Differel and introduces itself as Captain Ney. When he remarks that she isn't as surprised as he thought she would be, she replies that she had his team checked out thoroughly before she hired them. She asks if these others are his men; he replies they are. She then orders him to deploy, and he salutes. Marrowsucker objects, but Ney assures him he is only there to make sure she and her party get to the warren safely.

After they start off again, the Girls ask her what's going on. She explains that after the Fomorian invasion, the Caerleon Order was severely depleted of manpower, and to compensate in the short term, she hired mercenary groups. One such was the Fian Scáthanna. It was a renowned black ops group, skilled at infiltration, sabotage, and ambush. They were also the only group she could trust, because they were the only group to swear personal loyalty to her. She had learned through confidential sources that they were all members of families that trafficked with Ghouls; some were undoubtedly Ghoul-children themselves. She sent them on a suicide mission from which they did not return, but apparently they survived and joined the Ghouls.

Ney, who had been close by, confirmed that his group knew the mission was suicidal, and they recruited help from a local Ghoul warren. Afterwards they retreated to the warren, but were not allowed to leave, hence the assumption that they had all died. However, they did not forget their oath, and when word came that Sir Differel Van Helsing was in the Underworld, he and his group volunteered to escort her. Differel expresses remorse she abandoned them, saying that if she knew they were alive she would have moved heaven and earth to extract them, but Ney brushes it aside, saying it was their choice, and they have no regrets or recriminations.

By what would have been evening, they all reach the base of the mountain range. There are no foothills to speak of; the peaks simply rise up out of the flat ground. The Ghouls decide to stop there for the "night", which suits the party. After they eat, they bed down, but before they retire, the Girls see Differel take a piece of paper out of a breast pocket and mark on it. She sees them watching her as she slips it back, but says only that now they have just two months left to accomplish their mission.

60 days left

In the "morning", the Ghouls take them into the Peaks, but after a couple of hours they reach an entrance to a warren. They take them down to an antechamber, then instruct them to surrender their weapons and packs. On Medb's say-so they comply, and Marrowsucker consoles them by saying at least they are allowed to keep their clothes. They are then taken deeper into the warren. Without the chronometer, the Girls have no way of measuring the time, but Eile estimates it takes them a couple more hours before they reach the main Ghoul "city". They are then allowed to rest for a short while before being taken to a council chamber where a couple of dozen Ghouls are waiting. Their escort leaves them except for Ney, and the Ghouls present surround them, but they sit of their haunches, except for Ney who remains standing. The Girls are happy to see Stéise among them, but the look on her face dashes their joy.

One Ghoul, so hoary it looks greenish, stands and makes a statement in meeps and gibbers, which Ney translates as a demand to know why they are in the Underworld. Medb replies, then launches into a speech, which Ney summarizes as her explanation. Various Ghouls then question her, and she gives answers, but Ney's translations indicate that the Ghoul leaders are not happy with their mission. A few leaders express support, including Stéise, but the majority are opposed to it. Finally, the first Ghoul stands again and demands that they leave. They will escort them back to the Tower of Koth, but they must leave the Underworld. Differel angrily refuses, and while her remark is rude, Medb seconds her refusal. Stéise hangs her head as the spokes-Ghoul states they leave them with no choice.

At a signal, Nightgaunts exploded from the ceiling, swoop down, grab each person, and carry them off. When they resist, the Nightgaunts tickle them into submission. In moments they are carried down a tunnel and out an opening in a shear cliff face that runs from foot to peak. Looking down, Eile sees that they are flying over a long, broad valley, the floor of which seems to be covered in snow. Her Nightgaunt dives and passes over the ground, and Eile is shocked to see that the "snow" is actually polished, glistening bones. It then lets her go, and she drops, bouncing and skidding to a halt. The others drop their burdens as well, and in seconds all members of the party are lying around her.

They get to their feet and find they are on the floor of the valley. Eile is shocked to see that Medb is as close to panic as she has ever seen her to be, and her friends, Kami, and Ssas'sashu'ra look terrified. Only Sunny, Differel, and Victor don't show any fear, only confusion or anger. Differel rages at Medb for trusting the Ghouls. Medb tries to ignore her, but finally seizes her by the throat to shut her up. She then explains that they are all in mortal danger. They are in the Vale of Pnath, the largest valley in the Underworld, and one of the places where the Bholes comes to the surface. No one has ever seen a Bhole and returned to describe it, but they are known to be enormous and to burrow through the bones, which are the discards of many millennia of Ghoul feasts. If a Bhole discovers them before they can find a way out, it will come up underneath them and swallow them all whole, and there may be other things lurking about. Their only safety lies in hugging the wall of the valley until they can find a path out. Fortunately, the Nightgaunts dropped them fairly close to one side; if they start immediately they can make it in about an hour. But they must be quiet, because the Bholes can sense noise and vibration, and in the stillness any noise can carry far.

They move out and head for the nearest part of the wall. Along the way they hear rustling in the bones, as if something is moving through them. Occasionally they hear or see the bones shift, and once they felt the bones undulate beneath their feet, like a wave passed through them. But nothing appears or tries to attack them. After awhile Eile begins to wonder if the stories of the Bholes are just due to overactive imaginations. Finally they reach the wall. It is little more than a cliff, with ravines that cut through it at irregular intervals. It is not too sheer to climb, but without the proper equipment it is next to impossible.

As they explore for a climbable section, a monstrous worm-like black shape emerges from bones. They flee but accidentally enter an alcove in the wall and become trapped when the worm blocks the opening. Medb and Ceara blast at it, but Ceara's fireballs bounce off, and her flamethrower-streams have no effect; there isn't anything flammable to catch on fire. Medb has better luck, blasting chunks of flesh from its body, but it's mass is so great she could spend hours attacking it before she seriously hurt it. The others crowd into the back, trying to stay out of the way.

Then a half-dozen ropes drop down from the dim ledge high above. The party starts to climb up, but furry scuttling creatures emerge from the wall face and attack. Differel holds them off with Caliburn, then allows Ceara and Medb to retreat. Medb insists on being the last, but even as the worm is about to engulf her, a harpoon shoots out the bones behind it and impales it. It is then dragged under as it thrashes about.

At the top the party finds a group of Ghouls; Ney, Marrowsucker, and Stéise are with them, and they brought the packs and the weapons. They take them into the Peaks and find them a hollow where they can hole up for the "night". As they eat, the Ghouls explain that they had been coerced by the Fomorians into helping them prepare the morbidun. They would like the adventurers to free them from this coercion, but they couldn't say anything about it in the council meeting, because most Ghouls are too afraid to resist, and some have gone over to the Fomorian side. There may even be Fomorian quislings on the council.

The Fomorians had demanded that the party be forced to leave or killed; they had tried to force the Ghasts and Gugs to do it as well. Since they could not openly defy the Fomorians, they had to play along, and when the party refused to leave they had no choice but to send them to the Vale. However, they made plans to rescue them, and now they wish to join forces. They will help the party destroy morbidun production if they also help free their people. When Differel asks how the Fomorians could coerce them, they reveal that Bres has taken Shuggob hostage, and that Ghouls have been forced to work the production site. They agree to the deal, and it is decided that the first goal will be to rescue Shuggob, since he alone knows where the morbida fungus is grown.

Continued in Part 2

Synopsis: Ashenkitten (a Team Girl Alternative Reality story)

Two women who saved the life of a king were richly rewarded and able to buy land, which prospered and made them wealthy. They had a daughter, whom they named Sunny for her head of golden hair. They hoped to pass their land onto her when she got married, but the local lord stole their land when he had them arrested for treason. Sunny ran away to tell the king who rewarded them, but when she arrived at his palace she found he had died, and his wife, Medb, refused to hear her plea. Having nowhere else to go, she signed on as a scullery maid. Her life became one of endless drudgery, tormented by the cook, Mabuse, who ran the kitchen with an iron fist. She was overseen by Mabuse's favorite kitchen maid, Wendy, who was perhaps even more cruel. Sunny was put to sweeping out the huge cooking fireplaces every night, as well as other menial chores such as fetching water and firewood, cleaning cauldrons and spits, and scrubbing the floor. Yet she did all that was asked of her and more with a smile and no word of complaint. At night she slept in the fireplaces after she had finished her work.

During all this time, her only friend was the pantry cat, who hunted mice and rats. Wendy particularly hated her because as a kitten she had scratched her face and left scars. Sunny took care of her, fed and watered her, found places for her to hide to stay away from Wendy and Mabuse, and named her Snowfoot because of her white paws. In return, the cat rewarded her by helping her with her chores and entertaining her when the work became too monotonous. Snowfoot was a descendent of the Great Cats of yore, the last of her kind, and had inherited the ability to speak and some magical talent. Sunny told her about her parents, and Snowfoot swore that somehow she would find a way to get Sunny's land back for her.

Mabuse and Wendy were jealous of Sunny's beauty, which the hard work never marred and which seemed to blossom even more under adversity. They also wondered how Sunny could complete all her chores, even though she did the work of five girls. So they paid a boy to watch her, and he saw Snowfoot helping her. Enraged, Mabuse nonetheless knew she could not kill the cat outright, so she had Wendy set out a bowl of cream laced with poison where Snowfoot was bound to find it. Snowfoot drank, and as soon as she realized what had been done to her she raced to Sunny. As she lay dying in her arms, she made Sunny swear to skin her once she was dead. Though Sunny refused at first, she relented when Snowfoot begged her to do it for her sake. As soon as Sunny promised, Snowfoot died. Sunny did as she was bid: she skinned the cat, scraped and cured the hide, and made it into a scarf to wear around her neck. The body she buried in a secret place where neither dog nor rat nor Wendy could find it.

When Mabuse and Wendy saw the skin the next morning, they taunted Sunny about it, hinting they had killed the cat, and boasting that now she would have to do real work. Wendy also christened Sunny Ashenkitten. Sunny took it all in stride, because Snowfoot's spirit remained in the skin, and it continued to help her with her chores and to entertain her.

Soon after this, Medb declared she would hold a ball so that her stepdaughter, Eile, could pick from the kingdom's most beautiful girls for her bride. Snowfoot instructed Sunny to ask Mabuse if she could be among the staff that would serve the guests. Mabuse refused and Wendy pinched her for asking. That night, after the kitchen staff had finished its preparations and moved to the ballroom, and Sunny was left to scrub the floors, clean the cauldrons, and sweep the fireplaces, the kitchen was invaded by a mob of cats, that cleaned it until it sparkled. Then Snowfoot turned herself into a gorgeous silver gown. Sunny dressed and the cats escorted her to the entrance of the palace, where she was admitted to the ball. She joined the line of other girls waiting to meet Elie, when the cats appeared, chasing rats across the room. The girls scattered, all except Sunny, and she introduced herself to Eile. They danced together all night, until midnight, when the cats appeared again and ushered her out of the palace. As she fled, Eile asked her name, and she replied, "I am She Who Was Pinched." Eile was enchanted by her and tried to follow, but lost her as soon as she was out the entrance.

She pined for her, but Medb's attempts to discover her identity failed. So she devised a plan. A week later she declared another ball, officially to allow the girls who ran from the first a second chance, but privately hoping Sunny would return. Again, Sunny asked Mabuse to be allowed to serve at the ball, and again Mabuse refused, this time having Wendy kick her. As before, the cats came and cleaned the kitchen, and this time Snowfoot changed herself into a more beautiful golden dress. Again, Sunny got in line, and again the cats swarmed through the ballroom, this time chasing birds. As before, the girls scattered, leaving Sunny alone with Eile, and as before they danced together until midnight, when the cats came to sweep her away. This time, when Eile called for her name, she replied, "I am She Who Was Kicked."

Eile was frustrated, but Medb understood there was powerful magic at work. She declared yet a third ball, to be held in a week, but this time she made preparations of her own. Wendy slapped Sunny across the face when she asked Mabuse to be at the ball, and Snowfoot turned herself into a translucent crystal dress. The cats came in chasing butterflies, and when Eile asked her name, she said, "I am She Who Was Slapped." However, this time, when the cats appeared to whisk her away, magical hounds chased them off and Sunny had to flee on her own. Eile was able to follow her and saw her disappear into the kitchen. When she peered in, she saw the dress transform into a catskin and her beloved into the scullery maid Sunny. But instead of confronting her, she did as Medb instructed and told her what she had discovered. As soon as Medb heard the story, she divined the truth, and laid a plan to rescue Sunny from the kitchen.

The next morning, Medb went to the kitchen and announced she was seeking a valet for Eile, and that if Mabuse had a suitable girl, she would pay her ten gold coins. Mabuse lined up all her girls and Medb carefully examined each one, but she was unable to find one wearing a catskin scarf. In reality, Mabuse had sent Sunny off to collect water. Medb stated that she was looking for a particular girl, one named Ashenkitten, who was rumored to be very pretty. Her greed inflamed, Mabuse announced that there was one other, a girl hired just this morning. She then found Sunny, took the catskin from her, and locked her in the pantry. Mabuse gave the catskin to Wendy and presented her as Ashenkitten, but Medb knew Mabuse was lying, because this girl had no welt on her face. Rather than accuse her openly, Medb pretended she had been mistaken and was prepared to leave, when Mabuse declared that there was still one other girl, whom she had turned away but who still loitered about. Mabuse released Sunny from the pantry and presented her to Medb, and when she saw the welt across her face, she knew she had the right girl. She paid Mabuse, who gave a gold coin to Wendy to silence her grief over loosing such a lucrative advancement. Medb then granted them both a day's holiday and they went into the town, getting drunk off their money. Unfortunately, they attracted bad attention. Robbers waylaid them in alley, killing Mabuse for what was left of her gold and taking Wendy to sell into slavery. Neither were every seen or heard from again.

Medb took Sunny and presented her to Eile that same evening. Sunny's first duty was to wait on Eile's dinner. As she ate, Eile told of the girl she met at the first ball, and how much she adore her. When Sunny asked what she would do if she ever found her, Eile demonstrates by kissing and caressing Sunny.

The next night, after dinner, Sunny's next duty was to bathe Eile. Once again, Eile described the girl she met at the second ball, and when Sunny asked what she would do if she ever found her, Eile demonstrated by touching and fondling Sunny.

The following night, after dinner and the bath, Sunny's final duty was to warm Eile's bed. As they snuggled together, Eile described the girl she met at the third ball, and once more Sunny asked what she would do if she ever found her. Eile made love to Sunny, during the course of which Sunny confessed that she is the girl. Eile stated that she knew all along, because of the welt and the catskin.

The next morning, Eile presented Sunny to Medb, dressed in her crystal gown. Medb was impressed by her beauty and bearing, and welcomed her. Sunny then told her what happened to her parents. Medb had been aware of the lord's corruption for some time, but had been reluctant to deal with him because she didn't want to leave a portion of the kingdom's border undefended. But as soon as she heard Sunny's account, she ordered the lord's arrest and made her parents lord and gave them his land as compensation for their ill treatment. The marriage of Eile to Sunny was then arranged, and during the ceremony, Sunny wore the catskin in gratitude to Snow foot for everything she had done.

A week after the wedding, a pyre was built and the catskin burned. As the spirit of Snowfoot was released, she hovered over Eile and Sunny and blessed them, before she rose into the night sky. Before she disappeared, Eile and Sunny saw other spirits of the Great Cats appear and greet her, and they went bounding off together into the heavens.

Brian Boru -- Emperor of the Irish

Over her exceptionally long life, Medb hErenn made many attempts to unify Ireland under a single king to make it an equal competitor among the nations of Europe and a rival to the growing power of England. Her last attempt was when she backed Brian Bóruma, known as Brian Boru, the king of the province of Munster, to become Ard Ri -- High King -- over all the island.

Up until then, the position of high king had been ceremonial; a sign of respect, but holding no real power without the cooperation of the provincial kings. Though he was not the first high king to try to change this, Brian came the closest, and in fact sought to create an entirely new position: Imperator Scottorum, Emperor of the Irish. By this means he hoped to reduce the power of the provincial kings and finally eliminate it altogether.

Through a series of conquests, alliances, and political maneuverings he succeeded in becoming High King, but revolts soon broke out, and it was during one these that Brian and his son and grandson were killed at the Battle of Clontarf outside of Dublin. Though technically a victory for Brian, with his death and the destruction of his dynasty the high kingship passed back to the family that had held it before him, a family that preferred the old way of a weak high king.

After Clontarf, Brian's greatest legacy was the founding of the Ui Briain clan, the O'Briens.

For more information, see this article.

The Son of Dumb Sunny Jokes

Sunny asked Eile what time it was.

"7:37; why?"

"Well, it's the weirdest thing, but I've been asking people that all day, and each one's given me a different answer!"

=====

Eile comes into the foyer and finds Sunny painting it. And instead of overalls she's wearing a fur coat over a denim jacket!

"What's goin' on ya ditz?"

"I'm painting the foyer."

"I can see that, but why aren't you wearing any overalls?"

"Because the can's instructions clearly state: for best results put on two coats!"

=====

Eile and Sunny are sitting with Differel at a Royal fundraiser for deprived and disadvantaged Peers. All three are bored to tears as the Toastmaster drones on.

"I'm hungry," Sunny pouts.

"Sunny, shhhh!" says Eile.

"But why is he taking so long; when's he gonna do it?!"

"Do what?" Differel asks.

"He said he was gonna make some toast!"

"He's making a toast, ya ditz!" Eile replies.

"THEN GET THE TOASTER OUT ALREADY!!!!" Sunny shouts.

=====

January - Sunny took a new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Sunny got fired from a pharmacy job for failing to print labels because the bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter.

March - Sunny got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months; the box said "2-4 years".

April - Sunny was trapped on an escalator for hours because the power went out.

May - Sunny tried to make Kool-Aid, but 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into those little packets.

June - Sunny tried to go water skiing, but couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Sunny lost a breast stroke swimming competition because the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August - Sunny got locked out of her car in a rain storm; the car became swamped, because the top was down.

September - Sunny thought the capital of California is "C", right?

October - Sunny hates M & M's; they are so hard to peel.

November - Sunny baked a turkey for 4 1/2 days, because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 108.

December - Sunny couldn't call 911, because there's no "eleven" button on the phone.

What a year!!

=====

Not long after they first met, Eile took Sunny to a football game. After the game was over, she asked her how she liked it.

She replied: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight pants, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What didn't you understand?"

"Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. I mean, what was all the fuss, it's just a quarter!?"

Dieselpunk Story Inspiration

I have developed the idea for a Team Girl/Differel Alternative Reality story with a Dieselpunk setting. DP is more of an art aesthetic and social subculture than a fictional genre, but some stories based on DP themes have been written. These generally fall into two categories: a dystopian view where constant warfare prevents any artistic or technological development beyond diesel, and a utopian view wherein the optimism of the Roaring Twenties prevents the onset of depression and war, and produces a diesel-based form of retro-futurism. My story charts a course between these two ideas.

For more information, see the Wikipedia article on Dieselpunk.

As often happens, I was inspired to write this story based on artwork I found on the web, in this case a series of dieselpunk images created by Alexey Lipatov. I have posted a selection below:

A hover motorcycle Sunny uses in the story:


Eile posing on the hood of her new hover roadster:


Eile and her mechanic beside her air-superiority/interceptor rocket plane:


Eile driving to New York while Sunny flies overhead:


Differel relaxing beneath her private airship (no, the dog isn't Vlad Drakulya):


Dieselpunk Eile Chica:


Dieselpunk Sunny Hiver:


Differel about to take a swim in her penthouse pool:


Eile rides a diesel super-locomotive:



Sunny relaxes with her private seaplane, "The Daring Daffy":

Unbuilt Tropes

Tropes can change over time. This happens for various reason. One way is by Trope Decay, which is when the idea that the trope represents loses itself over time. That is, its modern message is different from its original message when it was first introduced. This can happen because later creators miss the point of the trope somehow, or they just read the title and think they understand all about it (I nearly fell into that trap a number of time myself).

An example of this process is Nightmare Fuel. Originally, it stood for any story element that unintentionally gave kids nightmares, like clowns, or the Snuggle fabric softener mascot (shudder!). However, people began describing anything even remotely scary as Nightmare Fuel, leading to the creation of a new trope, Accidental Nightmare Fuel to cover the old concept, and redefining Nightmare Fuel to cover the new concept.

Another way that trope meanings can change is by Flanderization. This is the act of taking a single, usually minor, aspect of a character and gradually making it virtually the sole defining characteristic of that character, especially in a particularly outlandish manner. The fact that it's a gradual process is key, because it should be unnoticeable, otherwise it might generate negative audience reaction.

An example is the Trope Namer, Ned Flanders from The Simpsons. He started out as a contrast to Homer, by being a considerate neighbor, a loving husband, and an attentive father, with his devout nature exemplified by the fact that he went to church willingly and paid attention to the sermon. Over time, however, his devotion was exaggerated until he became a stupidly obsessive Christian. Other examples include the way the Jason Voorhees-style killers in horror slasher films became slower and more stupid, the James Bond films became campier, and Ron Weasley became lazier and dumber in both the Harry Potter books and the movies. Applied to a trope, it occurs when one or a few characteristics of a trope's definition come to dominate that definition, thereby changing its nature, usually by simplifying it to the point of becoming cliched.

This can lead to an unusual situation when readers familiar with modern concepts of tropes read older works that use these tropes. If they persist they may find one that appears to cleverly play with the trope, often times breaking it down to reveal its Real Life consequences, before reconstructing it again. Then they discover that the work predates all known uses of that trope, but how can it play with a trope that no else used?

Because it created the trope. Only, at that time it wasn't even a trope yet, just an interesting idea to explore. There was no pattern to which it had to conform because a pattern had not yet been established, so the creator was free to work it however he wanted. This is known as an Unbuilt Trope.

An Unbuilt Trope only becomes an established trope when a pattern with a specific message develops as other creators imitate it. However, this pattern is invariably a vague copy, or more simplistic than the original creator's treatment, or at best concentrates on the obvious surface aspects in the text and ignores the subtle underlying subtext elements that made it memorable, all to make it easier to work with. There are many ways this could happen: the creator's Misaimed Fandom could simply have missed his point when they imitated his concept; they might have considered the original too dark, and so purposely made it Lighter and Softer; or conversely they might have thought it was too bland and uninteresting, and so decided to spice it up with extra details; they may have simply taken just those elements they liked, and when they claimed they were inspired by the original, other people assumed it was limited to those few elements as well; or they may not have had the talent required to duplicate the trope with the same depth as did the original creator.

Here are some examples:

The Hound of the Baskervilles features the first use of the modern Scooby-Doo Hoax trope 68 years before the cartoon appeared, but it's portrayal of the "fake haunting" plot is far grittier, darker, and more horrifying than anything shown on the cartoon.

The Lord of the Rings is considered to be the progenitor of modern High Fantasy, by both its imitators and those who try to subvert what they see as Tolkien's optimistic view. However, unlike later works the hero fails in his mission (someone else has to see the Ring destroyed); the wizards are the equivalent of angels, not magically-trained men; the Orcs are not Always Chaotically Evil (and Tolkien even considered adding some good Orcs); and Mordor is not a typical Realm of Evil, but has huge tracts of fertile farmland to feed Sauron's huge army.

Dracula depicts the titular vampire as hirsute, brutish, and uncouth, rather than suave, handsome, aristocratic, or sexy.

The War of the Worlds is perhaps the first story to depict war between Humans and Aliens, but whereas modern conceptions feature exciting battles, heroics, and scientific ingenuity, the original portrayed people as cowardly, weak, or mean, and unable to defeat the Martians (though they are not themselves invulnerable). It's more a story about how people deal with the collapse of civilization than fighting the invaders. It also served as an allegory for imperialism.

Conan is considered the archetype of the stoical humorless not-very-bright Barbarian Hero in the bearskin kilt who solves problems with his sword or axe rather than his ingenuity, but Howard portrayed him as being intelligent, crafty, articulate, cheerful, literate, a master of languages, and not too proud to wear heavy armor.

Modern Paranormal Investigation heroes tend to be Badass Troubled But Cute Mr. Fanservice types motivated by Revenge or For Greater Justice. However, the progenitor, Carl Kolchak, was a bumbling, middle-aged tabloid reporter with questionable taste in clothes, who was a Chaste Hero, tended to defeat the Monster Of the Week through sheer dumb luck, and was largely motivated by a desire for fame and fortune.

Next week, I will discuss how old, or new, tropes can be.