Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 16

The Man In the Iron Mask -- Rust is Good for the Skin

An actual historical figure, he "was a prisoner who was held in a number of jails, including the Bastille and the Chateau d'If, during the reign of Louis XIV of France. The identity of this man has been thoroughly discussed, mainly because no one ever saw his face which was hidden by a mask of black velvet cloth. Later retellings of the story have claimed that it was an iron mask."

For more information, see this article.

Team Girl Doctor Who -- Story 3

Team Girl travels to a Parallel Earth with their vampire BFF Giovanna Borgia, and discover that it's been invade by both the Daleks and the Cybermen. They contact the survivors, who are caught between the Daleks trying to exterminate them, the Cybermen trying to assimilate them, and the crossfire of the two invaders trying to wipe each other out. Meanwhile, both invaders are very interested in learning about Mabuse's threshold technology! Somehow, the Girls and Giovanna hafta beat the Daleks and the Cybermen to save the survivors and get home.

It includes a scene where Giovanna takes a Dalek apart with her bare hands.

Dumb Sunny Jokes

Team Girl walk into a bar in Texas and order shots and beers. Only instead of pint mugs and shot glasses, they get gallon mugs and tumbler glasses. When they ask the bartender about this, his reply is:

"Why, everything's big in Texas, little ladies!"

So they sit at a table to enjoy their libation, but after a little while they start to get a wee bit tipsy. Sunny asks the bartender where the little girl's room is, and he replies:

"Down the hall and to the right."

She staggers down the hall, turns left, and falls into the pool next door.

As she flounders around, she yells out, "Don't flush the toilet!"

=====

If Team Girl fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Eile. Sunny would have to stop for directions.

=====

The cook asked Sunny if she wanted her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

She replied, "Oh, six, please; I couldn't eat twelve!"

=====

Eile and Sunny are doing their laundry in a laundromat. Sunny takes the first load out of the washer, then strips herself naked.

Eile: "What the freakin' hell are you doin', ya bimbo?!"

Sunny blinks and points to a sign. "It clearly states, 'When the washer is finished, remove all your clothes.'"

=====

Sunny and Eile are sitting at a bar watching the 6 O'Clock News. It shows a man threatening to jump off a tall building.

Sunny: "I'll bet you 50 bucks he doesn't jump."

Eile: "Yer on, sucker!"

Unfortunately, he does jump, and Sunny gets the money out of her purse.

Eile: "Hey, I can't take yer money."

Sunny: "No, no, a bet's a bet."

Eile: "Yeah, but, I saw this earlier on the 5 O'Clock News."

Sunny: "So did I, but I didn't think he'd jump again!"

Eile: "Heh, in that case, yer buyin' the drinks, ya ditz."

Garnishing the Story Tropes

These are tropes , along with Narration Filigree and The Power of the Index , that do not drive the plot or conflict, act as character development or world building, or serve to establish the theme or setting, but simply make the story more awesome, or at least more interesting and elaborate. In essence they subvert the Law of Conservation of Detail, because they are elements not required by the story but just included to make it look pretty, or more realistic, or even more mundane. Even so, these details can still tell you things about the conflict, characters, or setting that wouldn’t be revealed if they were not included.

Pretty much all of these tropes can be defined as "the story is so much better with A than without A", with "A" being the subject of the trope. Many of them are also Exactly What They Say On the Tin, and so need little or no explanation. A few can also be defined as "A is unbelievably awesome!", thereby justifying its inclusion in that it makes the story "unbelievably awesome!" as well. As for Narrative Filigree, while it can and does make use of tropes, many times it simply indicates the inclusion of details. For example, in my unpublished story "The Adventure of the Cats’ Peril", it starts with Eile and Sunny making breakfast. Other than some indications of their respective characters, it has nothing to do with the plot. In other stories I depict them exercising, bathing (FANSERVICE!!!), getting dressed, going shopping, eating out, going for walks, dancing, engaging in pillow talk. As part of that I describe their meals, clothes, house, leisure activities, Eile’s graphic design work, Sunny’s gardening, Snowshoe Kitty’s antics. For me, this is what fiction is all about: not just an interesting story, but also an interesting world and characters, which I want to learn more about even as I want to find out how the story ends.

What follows is a list of these tropes that have appeared in my stories:

Babies Make Everything Better

***** Both Eile and Differel give birth, and Sunny adopts a baby of her own. But subverted with Eile and Sunny in that their daughters turn out to be babies from hell (at least for the first few years).

Everything’s Better With Cows

***** Averted in the Dreamlands; there are no cattle, unless you count yaks.

Everything’s Better With Dinosaurs

***** I include them in a few stories, such as one where Team Girl adopt a juvenile female T. rex named Kitty.

Everything’s Better With Llamas

***** There are also no horses in the Dreamlands, so Dreamers use llamas, camels, zebras, and elephants, as well as yaks, for riding and beasts of burden. Lampshaded in "Dribble & Maggot in the Land of Dreams".

Everything’s Better With Motorcycles

***** Medb, Team Girl, and Sir Differel all have adventures with motorcycles. In fact, Differel is an outlaw biker, and Lady Margaret is her biker babe. See "One-Percenter Vendetta".

Everything’s Deader With Zombies

***** Zombies in one form or another show up in a number of my stories. For example, see "Pyrrhic Victory".

Everything’s Louder With Bagpipes

***** Medb loves bagpipes, and Differel uses them in lieu of a band.

Frickin’ Laser Beams

***** Dr. Mabuse is a mad scientists, so duh.

Improbable Weapon User -- a character who can wield a cotton swab like a deadly weapon

***** Medb, Team Girl, and Differel have all made use of improbable weapons, from shovels (Shovel Strike) to small pieces of furniture (Chairman of the Brawl) to rolling pins (Rolling Pin of Doom), while members of Differel’s staff who have no military training will use whatever is handy, but Sunny is the most likely to pick up any old object and use it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Frying Pan of Doom -- a subtrope of Improbable Weapon User

***** Sunny has made use of this weapon on several occasions, especially in the Dreamlands. In fact, she could be considered to have a black belt in frying pan fu.

Goggles Do Nothing -- wearing goggles for no reason

***** Downplayed with Dr. Mabuse, in that she uses them for protection, but rarely ever takes them off. She perches them on her head when she isn’t using them.

Gratuitous Foreign Language

***** Medb often swears in Irish, and her magical power words are in Irish as well. Numerous minor characters sometimes exclaim or swear in their native languages as well. For example, see "The Adventure of the Christmas Vampires".

Gratuitous Nazis

***** They appear in my Time Travel and Alternative Reality and Parallel Earth stories. Whether they’ll show up in my Contemporary stories remains to be seen. However, some of my stories have American White Supremacist Neo-Nazis. Does that count?

Incendiary Exponent -- things on fire are more awesome than things that aren’t

***** Downplayed, with incendiary explosions happening off-screen in my stories; so far. For example, see "Man Friday".

Instant Awesome, Just Add Dragons

***** There are dragons in the Dreamlands. Lampshaded in "Dribble & Maggot in the Land of Dreams".

Instant Awesome, Just Add Mecha

***** Dr. Mabuse creates mechas, and she hires Team Girl to test them. They also appear in Alternative Reality and Parallel Earth stories.

Instant Awesome, Just Add Ninjas

***** There are also ninjas in the Dreamlands.

Just For the Heli of It -- having helicopters is so much cooler than not having helicopters

**** They are the workhorses of the Caerleon Order’s air force. For examples, see "Oak Do Hate" and "Survival and Sacrifice".

Katanas Are Just Better

***** Subverted; Medb and Sir Differel have trained with katanas, but Medb prefers spears or Celtic leaf-blade swords or Danish axes, and Differel prefers European longswords. Eile prefers a machete and Sunny a composite bow. For example, see "Barbarians R Us".

Wooden Katanas Are Even Better -- any type of wooden or bamboo practice sword

***** Subverted; Differel prefers to practice with a kendo shinai or a wood-version of a longsword, especially ones twice as heavy as a metal sword. As a result, though, she can fight with them as well as she can a normal sword.

The Power of Acting -- acting used as a weapon

***** Differel sometimes has to bluff monsters, and Sunny is a Large Ham. Also, in my story "The Adventure of the Double Image", Eile bluffs the Big Bad when he captures her and Sunny. And my unpublished story "The Adventure of the Booted Feline" is based on this trope.

The Power of Friendship -- friendship used as a source of strength

***** The basis of Eile and Sunny’s relationship with Differel; they will do anything for her, including give their lives to protect her and her son Henry. For example, see "Survival and Sacrifice".

The Power of Love -- love used a source of strength

***** Sunny believes that she and Eile can do anything because of their love for each other.

The Power of Trust -- trust used as a source of strength

***** Whenever Medb, Team Girl, or Differel have given their trust to another person or creature, they have been rewarded with a powerful ally who comes to their aid.

Prepositional Phrase Equals Coolness -- use of prepositions in story titles, character or place names, titles, or labels is AWESOME!!!

***** Team Girl stories all begin with "The Adventure of"; Differel is the Baronetess of Denver and the Marchioness of Elissa; several Differel stories use "of", such as "The Beast of Exmoor" and "A Deliberation of Morality"; the official name of the Dreamlands is "The Land of the Dreams of Men".

Semper Fi -- Marines are the BEST!! OOH-RAH!!!

***** Eile’s Uncle Gene is a former USMC drill instructor, and Differel’s Master-at-Arms Giles Holt is a Royal Marine. See "Man Friday".

Shotguns Are Just Better

***** Eile thinks so. Her weapon of choice is the Daewoo Precision Industries USAS-12 twelve gauge automatic shotgun with selective fire.

Sinister Scythe

***** The Fomorian Ceithlenn uses a glossy midnight-blue adamantine scythe sharpened to the width of a shard of glass when in her beautiful-but-terrible form.

Stuff Blowing Up

***** Happens in my story "Man Friday" and my unpublished story "The Adventure of the Cats’ Peril".

Troperiffic -- using tropes is so much better than not using tropes

***** Duh.

Virgin Power -- virgins have special mystical or divine powers, as does their blood

***** Zigzagged. Averted in that virgins have no special powers in my Verse, other than their ability to make men lust after them, but invoked in that Differel once sincerely believed that as long as she remained a virgin she would be free of Original Sin. Exploited in that some potential suitors believed that her power over Vlad Drakulya derived from her virginity and that once they deflowered her she would lose her control over him. Subverted in that, while technically Differel was a virgin until she married Victor, she and Lady Margaret had been having sex for a number of years before then. Also, Eile and Sunny are not virgins, and Medb is about as far from a virgin as you can get, yet all three are powerful in their own way.

Next week, I will discuss tropes that are Discredited or Dead.

Dreamlands Bestiary: Zoogs

Zoogs are arboreal mammals half again larger than a rabbit native to the Enchanted Woods in the Land of the Dreams of Men. They have huge eyes and ears, dextrous, tactile hands, and keen noses, but also tendrils on their snouts that vastly increase their olfactory and tactile senses. They make their homes within the roots of the great oak trees and up inside the trunk, carving openings in the bark at the base of boughs so they can scamper from tree to tree without having to return to the ground. They are omnivorous and will eat just about anything, though they prefer animal to vegetable. They consider Humans to be a delicacy, especially young, soft, nubile maidens, and they prefer to eat their prey alive.

They are intelligent and capable of speech. They know magic and have a number of natural talents that make them masters of stealth and concealment, deception, and leading astray. They delight in luring Humans off established trails, to ambush and capture them, usually to devour them later. They are cunning, and while not evil, they are amoral.

However, clever and resourceful Humans can become their friends, and these they welcome with no treachery. Indeed, they use such Humans as informants, to collect stories for their amusement. They are, however, mortal enemies of cats, though at present they have a non-aggression treaty with the feline Queen and her Council of Elders.

They live as information brokers, memorizing stories that they then trade for things they want, and demanding payment for favors in stories. However, they care little about the accuracy of their stories, so no one can be sure whether what they provide is true or not.

Synopsis: Dream Trials (a Sir Differel Dreamlands adventure)

How Sir Differel discovered the Dreamlands.

Sir Differel Van Helsing is fleeing a horde of monsters hunting her. She is wounded and rapidly weakening. She ducks into a thicket of saplings, hoping to lose her pursuers, but is confronted by two strangers....

Eile and Sunny are hunting with a band of Zoogs in the Enchanted Woods in the Dreamlands, when they encounter Sir Differel. She is severely wounded, and collapses at their feet. They take her back to the Zoog village, where they find a puncture wound in her side. The wound is infected and she is delirious with fever. They do what they can, but realize they must get to Ulthar for antibiotics. When the village is attacked by Kouricaun, they also realize they must get her away to protect the Zoogs. They rig a travois to carry her. The Zoogs escort them to the edge of the Woods, where they meet Shadow-stalker, but on their way to the Village of Nir they are attacked by a dragon. This time, Tokoyo Yamaoto comes to their aide, and she escorts them to Ulthar.

They put her in their house and nurse her with the help of Mephitis the Apothecary, Aescalypses the Physician, and Bettie Stivic, who goes by Uilmheidhrea Máistreás an Dorchadas in the Dreamlands. Meanwhile, they contact Atal, the High Priest of the Temple of the Great Ones, for mystical protection, and the High Queen of All Cats for physical protection. The Cat Queen agrees to send out messengers to look for Medb, but it may take a long time for the former queen to get back to Ulthar. The Sirls note that while Sir Differel has Caliburn, her glasses, and is wearing standard Caerleon Order combat fatigues, her semi-automatic pistol has turned into an antique wheellock pistol.

Her fever lasts for three days, and the Girls begin to believe she won't make it, but when they probe her puncture wound looking for a source, they find and remove what looks like a flint arrowhead. Their resident Fear Dearg identifies it as a béim sídh or "faerie stroke", the weapon of choice of the Aes Sídhe. Her fever finally breaks within a day, but she falls unconscious. She awakens after two more days, but is too weak to get out of bed. The Girls and Bettie continue to nurse her for ten days before she has recovered enough to get around on her own.

During this time, she explains that she was leading a commando squad to investigate strange happenings in an ancient oak forest in the wilds of Scotland; Dracula was busy elsewhere. They were ambushed by Sluagh and nearly wiped out; only she and two others got away, and she was wounded . The other two survivors sacrificed themselves one at a time to get her away, but eventually she was on her own. As she fled her pursuers, she sought shelter in a thick stand of trees; the next thing she knew, Eile flushed her out. The Girls explain she somehow passed into the Dreamlands, but they are uncertain how.

They invite Aislinn Síle the Sage over, and she confirms that there are places where the Dreamworld touches the Waking World, making it possible for persons to cross over from one to the other. However, most of the openings are temporary; she was lucky to stumble upon one, but most likely it has closed by now, and there is no telling when it will open again. She assures Sir Differel and the Girls that she can return, but they must find a permanent gate, or a spot where openings form regularly. Even she doesn't know where such places would be, but if anyone does, it would be either the Cat Queen, Atal. or King Kuranes. Nasht and Kaman-Thah would know for certain, but Sir Differel cannot enter the Cavern of Flame. The Girls could go, but they do not want to leave Sir Differel alone and they do not want to separate. Besides, there is no guarantee the two immortal priests will reveal what they know.

When she becomes strong enough, the Girls and Bettie take Sir Differel to see the Cat Council and Atal, but while both have heard rumors, they have no definitive information, and any place they would recommend would takes days, even weeks, of travel to reach. The problem is, the Girls are coming to the end of their current Dream period. They have maybe two or three weeks left, but not enough time for extended travel, or multiple trips. Once they awaken, they will disappear, leaving Sir Differel stranded, and while they will return the following night, that will be a three month wait for Sir Differel. So they will get only one shot at getting her back in a timely manner.

On evening at Günderson's tavern they are accosted by drunks, who turn out to be assassins. Karella Günderson comes to their aid and helps hold them off until her father and brothers arrive, but the Girls realize they need to get Sir Differel to a place of safety, in case they wake up too soon. Fortunately, they know they can accomplish that when they visit King Kuranes in Celephais. Bettie agrees to come with them.

They decide to take the east-north route to the port city of Hlanith through the Thorineach Hills, and because Sir Differel is still not back to full strength, they decide to make it a three day journey, with layovers in Mozam and Broidh. A troop of cats escort them up the Skai River valley, but once in Mozam they are on their own. The next day, they are attacked by a Dobhar-Chu as they cross a small river, but they manage to drive it off. They arrive in Broidh at dusk. That night they are attacked by Nightgaunts who try to kidnap them, but again they escape unharmed. The Girls begin to suspect some adversary is toying with them.

They catch a train from Broidh for the last leg of the journey. Upon arrival, they stop at the Tavern of the Amethyst Scorpion to unwind, then sleep over at the Inn of the Sixth Happiness. During the night, an intruder breaks into the room and tries to poison Sir Differel, but Shadow-stalker alerts the Girls and they frighten him off. Shadow-stalker gives chase, but returns later saying that he disappeared without a trace.

The next morning, they visit the Ooth-Nargai consulate (really a glorified travel agency) and arrange passage across the Cerenarian Strait to Celephais. They travel in style, as two Knights of Celephais. Along the way, however, the boat is attacked by Leng Men pirates, but the Girls and the sailors fight them off.

Upon arrival in Celephais, they take Sir Differel to their mansion in the section where Kuranes's knights live. They are welcomed by their servants, and they, Bettie, and Sir Differel are bathed, massaged, oiled, clothed in splendorous robes, and given a feast. The Girls explain that Sir Differel can stay here if they awaken before they can get her home. She will be safe, as no evil being can enter Celephais, and their servants and guards can protect her from human foes. Bettie agrees to stay with her to help her acclimate. They also explain that in the city of Celephais, there is no passage of time; she will not grow one moment older as long as she remains within its walls.

Later they are visited by Lady Saighlíne Áirdenté, another knight, who is a friend of Medb hErenn and their patron at the Court of Kuranes. They explain the situation to her, and she agrees to arrange an audience with the king as soon as possible. Fortunately, he is in the city for the fortnight. The Girls take Sir Differel on a tour of the city, including the night spots, and they stay out carousing until late. Though at first Sir Differel has trouble loosening up, eventually she enjoys herself, for all that she is more reserved than Eile and Sunny. However, as they return to the mansion, a group of assassins attack. Bettie is stabbed as she defends Differel, then city guards arrive to drive off the assassins. They take Bettie back to the mansion. She will live, but she won't recover for some time.

The next morning, news arrives that Kuranes has invited them to dinner that evening. They spend the morning at weapons practice with Saighlíne, then go out in the afternoon to purchase a court gown and robe for Sir Differel. Finally they dress and head for the Palace of the Seventy Delights. They are admitted to the Grand Throne Room, where they are given an official state welcome, before Kuranes leads them away to his private dining chamber. There he abandons the persona of the great, wise king and becomes the simple genteel soft-spoken man he really is. The Girls call him Cedric.

The room and table are small and cozy, with food and wine served from a sideboard. During the meal, they talk casually, as if old friends. As it turns out, Cedric knew Sir Differel's father, and he is saddened to learn of his death. When the conversation finally gets around to the matter of Sir Differel's arrival, he states that he knows of the location of a permanent gate. It is located in the Gluum Hills, inside the Forbidden Lands, a week's journey, and it opens onto the Cotswolds in central England. No doubt Sir Differel could contact her people from there. He explains that Saighlíne knows the way and he will instruct her to guide them along the safest route. He also offers an escort of a dozen knights and thirty men-at-arms to see them safely through the Naraxa River valley and the wastelands, but the Girls decline, thinking that such a large force would attract unnecessary attention. Instead, they decide to travel incognito, as merchants hoping to trade goods in Lhosk. Kuranes agrees that it is a sound plan, and offers to see them on their way. After dinner he entertains them with a Shakespearian play, then offers them beds for the night.

The next day, they set off in disguise up the Naraxa River to New Cornwall, a replica of a Cornish fishing village that Kuranes had constructed when he became too homesick. The party spends the night, then continues on in the morning, with a royal pass in case they are stopped by any of the patrols that guard the Forbidden Lands.

The first day is uneventful, except for encountering other travelers, and a visit from Crèmedevoyager passing a message along to them from Medb. She is at least a month's travel away and cannot make it back in time. She wishes the Girls luck and promises to look in on Sir Differel if they are unable to get her back before they awaken.

The second day they are accosted by bandits.

The third day they are attacked by an Each Uisce along the river, when they stop to rest and take a swim.

On mid-morning the fourth day, they turn away from the river and head into the Forbidden Lands. They encounter a patrol, but the pass and the presence of Saighlíne allows them through. That afternoon they enter the wastelands. At that point they discard their disguises, Eile and Saighlíne arm and armor themselves, and they continue on. They camp in the shelter of a dolman and take turns standing guard through the night. At midnight, a vampiric spirit rises from the dolman, but they fight it off and it disappears back into its grave.

On the fifth day, they are attacked by goblins.

In late-morning the sixth day, they enter the Gluum Hills. In the afternoon they are attacked by Siabhra. Though they hold them at bay, they harass them the rest of the day. That night, when they make camp, Sunny sets up a protective barrier, but then go out and play music for the Siabhra. They are overjoyed at the Girls' playing and join in, playing and dancing until dawn. They part as friends.

They reach the gate in mid-afternoon. It looks like an asymmetrical door frame that is oddly distorted. As they approach, they see can see a hilly English countryside beyond the threshold, and Dracula waiting on the other side. He seems stiff as a statue, and the Girls remark on the difference of the passage of time. They say good bye but before Sir Differel can pass through, three Cat Sídhe appear and surround them. A hag appears, perched on top of the gate. She jumps down and introduces herself as Cailleach Beara. She explains that the Fomorians learned about Sir Differel's expedition to Scotland and asked her to eliminate her. However, her survival, entry into the Dreamlands, and meeting the Girls convinced her Sir Differel may be a hero. So she's been testing her mettle, and so far she has not disappointed. If she is a hero, then Cailleach is obligated to aid and protect her. This is her final test; she must face and defeat the Cat Sídhe alone, with only her sword. Saighlíne and the Girls object, but Cailleach surrounds them with a force field, isolating them. Sir Differel faces off against the demonic cats, and despite her recent injury, she soundly defeats them. Cailleach is pleased, she releases Saighlíne and the Girls, and blesses Sir Differel.

At that moment the Fomorian Eochaidh Bres mac Elatha appears with a flock of Hunting Horrors. He accuses Cailleach of going back on her word and declares that Sir Differel will never leave the Dreamworld alive. He offers to let her return to Celephais, but he demands she never leave there, on pain of death. Cailleach declares her patronage for Sir Differel and swears that Bres will never harm her. The two argue amongst themselves, as more Cat Sídhe appear and face off the Hunting Horrors. Finally, Cailleach and Bres attack each other as the cats attack the Horrors. The Siabhra appear, and help Saighlíne and the Girls fight their way through both groups and guard the gate as Sir Differel jumps through.

Sir Differel falls into Dracula's arms. She finds herself inside a cave, the mouth of which is a hundred feet behind him. Though night outside, she can tell it is almost dawn from the lightening sky. When he sets her on her feet, she turns and sees that the gate superimposed over the tunnel that leads deeper into the earth. She watches the battle rage on the other side for a few seconds, but as she ponders what to do, the vision shuts off and all she sees is a black-mouthed tunnel. Stunned, she rushes forward, but the gate opening is gone. For a moment she is overcome with grief and guilt, but when Dracula asks if she is okay, she stifles her tears, squares her shoulders, and turns around, her face expressionless and cold. She doesn't reply, but walks past him out of the cave as he follows. There she finds a company of Caerleon Order troops and her command zeppelin hovering overhead. The company commander steps forward and salutes. She suddenly feels very tired, and she says, "Let's go home, Captain."

The next morning, the girls awaken. As usually happens, they cannot immediately remember their adventure, but as they talk about it all returns. After Sir Differel ran through the gate, Bres commanded a couple of Horrors to follow, but Cailleach sent cats to intercept them. The two groups collided, wrestled into a ball, slammed into the gate, and knocked it over. It crashed and broke into several pieces. The Girls and Saighlíne tried to run, but with Sir Differel safe, Cailleach and Bres turned against the three humans, but before they could attack, a fleet of sky barges bearing Kuranes's banner appeared overhead, accompanied by battle rokhs, and bombarded the hag and the Fomorian as the rokhs engaged the Horrors. Troops descended and whisked Saighlíne and the Girls away to Kuranes's flagship as the fleet decimated the area. The fleet then turned and headed back to Celephais. The Girls woke up soon after that, as Kuranes was toasting their success.

They clean up and dress to prepare to go shopping, when Dracula appears with Differel. She thanks them for returning her to the Waking World, and declares they are Best Friends Forever. She then offers to treat them to shopping, lunch, and spa treatments to show her gratitude.

Synopsis: Ladies of La Mancha (a Team Girl Dreamlands adventure)

While traveling cross-country, Team Girl and Medb encounter a knight tilting at a windmill. When they pick him up after the inevitable calamity, Medb introduces him as the valiant hidalgo Don Quixote de La Mancha. Sure enough, on closer examination the Girls find a tall, lean, aged man dressed in homemade rusted armor, with a bent sword and a broken lance, while his horse is swaybacked and well-worn past its useful years. She had first met him a few years before the Girls arrived, but while his name meant and still means nothing to her (she first entered the Dreamlands some 1500 years before Cervantes would write his two-volume epic), the Girls know of him from the movie "Man of La Mancha", except he looks nothing like Peter O'Toole.

Quixote addresses Medb as "My Royal Lady", thinking her a queen; in fact, she had knighted him on their first encounter, giving him his title of "the Doleful Knight". Hence, he sees Eile as her Knight Champion and Sunny as her Court Magician. While still on his eternal quest to find and defeat the Great Enchanter, he offers to join their quest, in gratitude for their help against the four-armed monster. Medb accepts his company, and they continue on with their journey.

At Medb's request, he begins training Eile in sword-and-shield combat. Over the next three days, her skill improves tremendously through his drilling.

On the evening of the third day, they encounter an inn. Quixote perceives it to be a castle and asks the landlord for "the boon of hospitality" for himself and This Royal Lady and her entourage. The landlord grants the boon in a confused state. While Medb deals with the innkeeper, she asks the girls to keep an eye on Quixote. He spies a serving wench and declares her his lady love, Dulcinea, much to her consternation and the amusement of the other guests. This prompts Sunny to remark, "You get the feeling we've stumbled into a production of Man of La Mancha?"

Medb returns with the landlord, who brings their food. When the serving wench, named Aldonza, brings wine, Quixote praises her grace and beauty. This earns him a scathing rebuke, which he dismisses as a test of his loyalty and devotion. Medb takes Aldonza aside to explain to her about him, and he asks the Girls to approach her later and ask her for a token, that he may carry it into battle and dedicate all victories to her. Medb and Aldonza get into a terrible row and they stalk off in separate directions. Sunny asks her in a whisper what's wrong, and Medb explains that Aldonza will not play along and even threatens to hurt Quixote if he doesn't leave her alone.

A newcomer to the inn appears, an itinerant craftsman wearing a brass bowl on his head both for protection from the sun and to advertise his wares. Quixote takes the bowl from him, claiming it to be the mystical Helmet of Mambrino. Medb calms the craftsman by paying him exorbitantly for the bowl. She then takes Quixote up to their room to keep him out of trouble.

Eile and Sunny approach Aldonza in the kitchen and explain Quixote's request. Hostile at first, she questions them and they explain his motives, which actually touches her. However, her hostility returns at his bizarre behavior, and she flings a dirty dishrag at them. Yet when they give it to Quixote, he perceives it to be a silken handkerchief. He then declares he intends to hold vigil in the courtyard to thank God for his Lady's favor. Medb lets him go, but asks the Girls to watch him. She will then relieve them later.

The other guests treat Quixote as a figure of fun, but he stoically ignores their ridicule and the girls warn them off. Shortly after everyone else has gone to bed, Aldonza crosses the courtyard towards the barn, where a team of mule-drivers is staying. Earlier the Girls had seen her accept money from the lead driver, so they suspect she is a prostitute. She is surprised to find Quixote there and asks him what he's doing. His explanation earns him a savage rebuke, so he explains about knight errantry. She is so moved that her anger dissipates.

The mule-drivers attack. The Girls rush to Quixote's defense and together they hold them off until Medb arrives. The drivers then flee, but they take Aldonza with them. Quixote is frantic, and he and the Girls take off while Medb packs their things and pays off the landlord.

They track the drivers until morning, when Medb catches up with them. They find Aldonza tied to a tree, surrounded by the drivers. Another man stands besides her. The drivers attack, but Quixote, Medb, and the Girls make short work of them. When they confront the strange man, Quixote identifies him as the Great Enchanter, and he confirms that, much to Medb's and the Girls' surprise. Medb, however, realizes he is a Fomorian in disguise. When he refuses to let Aldonza go, Quixote challenges him to a duel. The Fomorian blasts him, and Medb and the Girls attack. He seizes them in force fields and proceeds to crush them. Quixote manages to mount his horse and charges in to the rescue, but the Fomorian fries him.

In the same instant, however, the brass bowl is revealed to be the true mystical Helmet of Mambrino, and Quixote and his horse are transformed by it into angelic beings. Flabbergasted, the Fomorian screams, "It's impossible! You are a fool, a madman; you cannot possibly be the real thing!" Quixote pulls his sword, which bursts into flame, and the spell on Medb and the Girls is broken. Quixote dismounts and advances on the Fomorian. As the Girls rush to free Aldonza, the Fomorian fires magical bolts at Quixote, but they shatter harmlessly on his shield. The women flee as Quixote strikes the Fomorian with his sword. There is an explosion, and the Fomorian is gone.

Quixote turns and approaches the women. He takes off his helmet and kneels before Medb, and she touches him on the head. To Sunny he gives the dishrag, now transformed into a real silken handkerchief. To Eile he gives his shield. Though the angelic glow disappears when she takes it, it remains transformed from its original battered form. When he stands before Aldonza, he takes her hand and kisses it. The glow surrounds her and she is transformed into a great lady. He then bows before them all, turns, and mounts his horse. A shaft of light descends from the sky and he rides up it into the heavens. Medb suggests Aldonza come with them, as she no longer belongs at the inn. She looks at Medb and says, "I am Dulcinea."

A week later, the four women stand beside the tree looking at a marble cenotaph set up before it. The inscription reads:

On this spot did the Valiant Hidalgo Don Quixote de La Mancha, Knight-Errant, do battle with his nemesis, the Great Enchanter, in defense of the Innocent, and defeat him at the cost of his own life.

Farewell, My Gallant Knight - D
Generous, Loyal, Brave - MhE
The trumpets call Him to Ride - EMC
And Virtue has Triumphed at last! - SAH

"Onward to Glory I Go!"

Louis XIV "The Sun King" -- Get My Sun-block, Ma!

King of France from 1643 to 1715, he is best known historically for establishing an absolute monarchical government, and best known popularly as the main antagonist in the Man in the Iron Mask franchise of novels and movies.

For more information, see this article.

Next eBook: Youthful Indiscretion

The next story to be published through Smashwords will be:

Youthful Indiscretion

Henry Helsing-Plunkett, the son of Sir Differel Van Helsing, finds a puzzle cube and decides to solve it. Very bad idea....

This story features Pinhead and the Cenobites from "The Hellbound Heart" and Hellraiser by Clive Barker. As such, it qualifies as fan fiction, except they play a secondary role rather than serve as the main characters.

This story is not intended for profit.

This will be another free ebook.

Team Girl Doctor Who -- Story 2

Team Girl travels to an uninhabited Parallel Earth with Gen. Ross, so she can evaluate the possibility of using such worlds as military bases. When they arrive they find that the world is not deserted, but occupied by Sontaran and Judoon armies poised for a battle. Their planned battleground is right where the threshold will reopen, so they have to find a way to get them to postpone their battle or negotiate a peaceful settlement. Not easy with two such belligerent and war-like species. And, there's a mysterious third party stirring the pot.