Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 12

L. Neil Smith: Apocalyptic Doomsayer

Previously, I established that L. Neil Smith is extremely paranoid about the modern world. He claims that evil “collectivists” -- essentially commies -- are out to destroy freedom and enslave the human race, first in America, then throughout the world, unless people awaken from their sheep-like complacency and oppose them, which effectively means starting a second American revolution to overthrow the tyrant Obama before he seizes all our guns to render us helpless.

I’m not making this up or even exaggerating; read the articles I link to in the first post.

Today I would like to examine this apocalyptic fantasy more closely. He describes his vision in an article entitled “The Genocide Agenda”, in which he reveals the mastermind behind this nefarious plot. Is it Lex Luthor, Magneto, or Fu Manchu? Maybe the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, or the Skulls and Bones? Nope. It’s the United Nations, with help from the current administration. I kid you not.

Actually, this should not be unexpected. The UN has been the target of hate by reactionaries here in the United States since it was chartered in 1945, and whatever else he believes, Smith is a product of the rural American far-right reactionary culture, with its blind patriotism, worship of guns, and pathological hatred of the Left in any form, especially Socialists (again, commies). The only trait Smith doesn’t share is religion: he is an atheist, not a fundamentalist Christian, but as an anarchist he rejects all forms of authority, even divine ones.

Here are his own words:

The gravest threat to life, liberty, and property in today's world--especially to life--is the UN. It can do absolutely anything it wants to, to whomever it wants to, because it's "the cops of the world".

Its single all-important mission? To succeed where Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, and Adolf Hitler had all failed: at the involuntary expense of individuals who actually worked for a living, try to take over the world.

Since the ignominious collapse of the Soviet Union, the new world nerve center for socialism is the UN, which is no less an enemy of everything worthwhile in the western world than Hitler and Stalin were.

Every day, we strive for a future world in which everyone is armed who wants to be, and because of that, there can be no more genocide. At exactly the same time, the UN, in its fanatical totalitarian attempts to disarm everybody, is striving--whether the "useful idiots" who support it know it or not--to make the next genocide happen.

Except for certain nuances, any of this could have come straight from the website of The John Birch Society.

The emphasis on guns in that last quote is no accident. For Smith, gun ownership is the greatest of all rights, because it can be used to protect all the rest. Remember his mantra: “Every man, woman, and responsible child has an unalienable individual, civil, Constitutional, and human right to obtain, own, and carry, openly or concealed, any weapon--rifle, shotgun, handgun, machinegun, anything--any time, any place, without asking anyone's permission.” And if you think he just means Americans, consider these statements:

With plenty of American help, the UN has several operations underway aimed specifically at disarming people all over the world, rendering them even more helpless against predatory governments than they are right now.

It wants you and me and our neighbors to be as helpless as the Nazis wanted Jews to be. It screams for power to control our children and tax us directly. ... It wants its own army. It struggles ceaselessly to disarm whole populations, exactly the same way the Nazis did, and for exactly the same reasons, rendering them as vulnerable to genocide as the Jews in 1930s' Germany. It wishes to render every individual in the world defenseless against criminal butchers. Don't think for a minute that it means to exclude America. It doesn't, and it will tell you so, openly.

In fact it's a major objective of the UN to seize and destroy every privately owned weapon in the world.

What terrifies these unelected and unelectable gangsters most is the increasingly real prospect of six billion individuals standing tall, independent, and armed. What the UN needs, for as long as we allow it to continue to exist, is its own Second Amendment.

So, how will the UN accomplish this plot? According to Smith, this is what will happen:

Step 1 -- Seize all weapons, leaving everyone helpless. (See the above quotes.)

Step 2 (concurrent with Step 1) -- Destroy the economy. “Some observers believe the current administration, politicians in both parties, and socialist sugar-daddies like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and George Soros, are wrecking our economy on purpose, trying to provoke open rebellion so that UN military forces can be called in to ‘restore order’.”

Step 3 -- Evacuate the towns and cities, and force everyone to live in massive super high-rise apartment complexes. “[E]very last individual on this continent (and elsewhere, presumably) will be rounded up and forced to live at a vastly reduced standard of living, in 'arcologies', vast piles of thousands of apartments, stacked one upon another, as much as a mile high. These grim, gray structures, with their roving patrols and built-in weapons detectors, were colorfully romanticized in the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Total Recall, but if you've ever seen a typical Japanese apartment--Ken Takakura's in the 1989 movie Black Rain, for example, or Bruce Willis's ‘palatial’ cubby hole in The Fifth Element--then you'll have a better idea what's being planned for us.”

Step 4 -- Clear the land of all human traces. “With humanity thus contained--quarantined--as if it were some kind of disease (an article of leftist dogma since the 1960s), rather than the pinnacle of evolution that it truly is, under the banner of ‘saving the Earth’, the land will be emptied, cleared of all human artifacts and other traces, ordinary people forbidden ever again to enter the open countryside, and, in keeping with the current environmental fascist insanity, permitted to return to its ‘natural state’.”

Step 5 – Eliminate 90% of the world’s population. “Population--reproduction--will be rigidly controlled until the number of people on Earth has been reduced by the 85 or 90 percent the UN and environmentalists have admitted repeatedly they want to see eliminated. Apparently, if you strive to do all of that to Mankind, instead of smaller groups like Jews or Armenians or Chechens--you're a statesman and a benefactor, rather than a mass-murdering monster. Remember that, next time you see a politician or a movie star speaking on behalf of the UN. What they are endorsing by their presence is genocide.”

In a later article, Smith depicts people being taken away to forced-labor camps, only to return later as stew meat. I’m not exaggerating; see “The Last Good Year”. Also, he assumes that people who refuse to leave the countryside or manage to escape being rounded up will be left to starve. “Refusniks, those who resist this change, will be relegated and confined to the bulldozed ruins of the old towns across America, to starve and die out, perhaps assisted by occasional military training exercises.”

Elsewhere he suggests neutron bombs would be used to wipe them all out. See “Three And A Half Funerals”. “It's rumored that Washington is preparing to use neutron bombs to finish the job of depopulating ‘flyover country’, the suburbs, and small towns, leaving all non-living assets intact.”

Of course, in Smith’s vision, the power elite don’t live like the peasants they’ve enslaved. “[T]he emptied countryside will become a playground for the new socialist elite, the nomenklatura as they were known in bad old Soviet Russia, who will vacation there, perhaps even dwell or retire there in their dachas, in aristocratic splendor that the peasants, locked down together in their dark, dirty, crumbling hundred-story warrens, their brains scientifically numbed by drugs and ennervating [sic] ‘entertainment’ programs, will never be allowed to see. With the exception, of course, of the many young, attractive, clean-limbed boys and girls the elite select to take with them in the name of ‘National Service’.”

But how can he know any of this? He claims that the UN publicly admits to it in a document on its website that anyone can download and read. “Barack Obama, today's leading frontman and mouthpiece for the UN, has done a great deal of talking about change, about hope, and about ‘remaking America’. The truth about what he really has in mind can be discovered in a UN document--enthusiastically supported by most American politicians--called ‘Agenda 21’. It is not obscure. It is not a secret. It is easily available for inspection all over the Internet.”

In fact, here is the link to the UN’s Agenda 21 webpage, which includes a button to download a PDF version. It’s a long document, but I encourage all of you to read it when you have time. The reason is because: it doesn’t say what Smith claims it says! (Big surprise. Smith often plays fast and loose with the facts.) Nowhere will you find anything about confiscating weapons. Nowhere does it say anything about destroying economies. Nowhere does it speak of evacuating the countryside, putting people into arcologies, or clearing the land to return it to a natural state. Nowhere does it talk about reducing the global population by 90%. And nowhere does it even hint at any of this. I doubt that Smith read this document, but then again he didn’t need to because he’s making it all up, and he counts on no one else reading it either, so no one will catch his falsehoods.

To be fair, it does talk about sustainability, and to Smith, sustainability is code for genocide: “[The UN’s] declared interest in ‘sustainability’--merely a code word for the nightmare it would create under Agenda 21--is enough to condemn it.” But this is just part of Smith’s paranoia. He merely assumes it’s the case, and he expects the rest of us to take his word for it.

Indeed, this subject tends to make him quite hypocritical. At one point he wrote: “Ironically, in nations foolish enough to sign onto the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, it is forbidden to criticize the document itself or the organization that generated it. Nor does it take a lot of imagination to foresee, in a post-9/11, USA Patriot Act era, how this means that any written, verbal, or electronic criticism of the United States government, the North American Union, or the UN will become an offense punishable by indefinite imprisonment, torture, and death.” Ignoring for the moment whether the justification for his final claim has any basis in fact, this begs the question of why he’s still here. Surely if he’s correct the Obama administration would have long ago killed him off in an “accident”, or kidnapped him and taken him to some secret prison to be tortured and killed and turned into hot dogs. Which in turn makes me wonder whether he really believes this stuff (in which case he is delusional) or just cynically takes advantage of the freedom to say whatever he wants to spout apocalyptic paranoid fantasies about the evil Obama and UN.

In another article (“The Shiny New Face of Genocide”) he said the following: “For the enemies of individual freedom, one of the most important keys to acquiring power is the claim that an uncontrolled population of individuals, in an unregulated economy, is rapidly rendering the whole planet uninhabitable. (Some people--they believe a small but annoying minority--will resist this, which is why everyone but the government must be disarmed.) For the good of everyone, including Blessed Mother Gaia, people must be deindividualized [sic] and controlled, while industry must be tightly constrained, or better yet, shut down altogether. Never mind that there is absolutely no proof to this claim, whatever. Never mind that each and every assertion made in its support has, sooner or later, been clearly shown to be a baldfaced [sic], pathological lie.”

And yet, he makes no attempt to verify or support this claim, which is itself based on numerous lies, or at best wishful thinking. And he has the gall to accuse the people he disagrees with of committing the same sins he commits so freely with no sense of shame. But as I pointed out at the start, he grew up in a culture dominated by a form of Christianity heavily influenced by apocalyptic visions. Though he now professes to be non-religious, he still sees the world in such terms; indeed, substitute Antichrist for collectivist and socialist, and you have a tirade that could have come from a fundamentalist right-wing Christian. So it’s perhaps no wonder that he can’t help basing his arguments on end-of-the-world scenarios that he hopes will scare people into reacting irrationally.

The Untropes

There are a number of basic topics I could have included in the Introductory post, but chose not to (I provide enough links to a site about tropes that my readers can explore on their own). However, it occurred to me that this is one topic I should have covered. So before I get into describing lists of tropes in my stories, I will briefly digress to discuss what isn't considered a trope.

Tropes are conventions and tools used in telling stories, but not everything in a story is a trope.

To begin with, tropes are used as plot devices, to drive and enhance a story, but the plot itself is not a trope. A plot will have certain tropes so strongly associated with it that they always appear in stories based on that plot, but by itself the plot is too broad (even the somewhat specific Master Plots) to convey more than just a basic message, and tropes must convey specific messages in their patterns of ideas. Also, many different kinds of stories can be based on the same plot (by using a set of additional tropes unique for each story), and while many stories may use the same trope, it’s not the same thing. A plot describes the underlying narrative, the sequence of events, that make up the story, whereas a trope describes one small aspect of the story. As an analogy, a ham and cheese sandwich with dressing would be the plot, whereas the kind of ham, cheese, and/or dressing used would be the tropes, along with any extra ingredients like lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and so forth that might be used, which can also be used in other types of sandwiches.

Similarly, a story’s theme will have associated tropes that nearly always appear, but the theme itself is not a trope. A theme is the point to the story; it’s what the story is about: a philosophy it represents, a moral it teaches, or an idea it’s based on. Themes can be used to help differentiate stories that use the same plot, since there are more themes than there are plots, and most plots can accommodate a variety of themes. Returning to our sandwich analogy, a hero, a Hawaiian hamburger, and a gourmet barbecue sandwich would be separate themes of a ham and cheese with dressing sandwich, each with its own unique set of tropes (ingredients).

A motif is also not a trope; in fact, a motif is to theme what a trope is to plot. For example, Cinderella is one motif of the Poor Girl Marries Rich theme. Using our sandwich analogy, the hero theme has as its motifs sandwiches called submarine, hoagie, torpedo, and poor boy.

Memes are not tropes because they are themselves “stories”: works of art based on catchy derivatives of certain aspects of pop culture which are parodied and repeated endlessly. As such, they will have their own set of tropes making them unique. They tend to be pointless, and can be repeated to such an extent that they lose all meaning and humor. They have been described as a cross between a catchphrase and an inside joke.

Stock phrases, and their bastard offspring the catchphrase, are not tropes because if anything they are too specific. Their meanings are very simple and always the same; they never change, whereas tropes are able to evolve as media itself evolves. Furthermore, their meaning derives not from a pattern of ideas, but from the definitions of the words they use and their original context. As such, they can be applied to any similar situation even if it’s as far from the original context as you can get, and still mean exactly the same as originally used. Tropes don’t work that way. Another difference is that tropes are designed to be played with, whereas stock phrases cannot be or they lose their meaning entirely.

Trivia cannot be a trope because, while being some interesting fact about the story or a behind-the-scenes convention, it doesn’t appear in the story itself. Tropes must appear in stories to be tropes.

Audience Reactions to stories can be significant, especially if the creator tried to invoke a specific reaction, but they are not themselves tropes because they are emotional and subjective, and exist solely in the audience, not in the story itself.

In stories, many meaningless and inconsequential things happen incidentally, such as “people sitting in chairs”. These are not tropes, not because they are too common or too broad, but because the purpose of a trope is to convey some sort of information to the audience. People sitting in chairs was never meant to be meaningful. In other words, no matter how often it occurs, some actions are simply the normal things people do in their daily lives, not storytelling conventions.

Similarly, there are actions or events that are so rare, that even if they have special meaning, their use in multiple sources is more likely to be due to coincidence than convention. An example would be "middle child hates tomato sauce and loves disco". As you can see, they tend to be complex and very specific, but even a simple idea such as “chairs sitting on people” is too rare to have more than a handful of examples.

Even among tropes themselves, there are variations that are not sufficiently different to warrant being named a separate trope. For example, there is The Same But More. This is when a trope is played with, especially when it’s exaggerated or even downplayed, or when a comparison is made between a trope used badly and the same trope used well. An example would be a “Superpowered Action Girl”; that is, an Action Girl with super powers. However, in both cases it’s still the same trope no matter how different it seems (all superheroines are considered to be Action Girls already, so a Superpowered Action Girl is not distinct). This is because Tropes Are Flexible (each has lots of room in which to play around with how they’re used) and Tropes Are Tools (neither good nor bad). However, sometimes a new way of using a trope creates a sufficiently distinct narrative function to make it a Sub Trope, Super Trope, or Sister Trope.

Finally, there is The Same But More Specific. This is when a specific example of a trope is declared to be a separate trope. As with The Same But More, if it creates a sufficiently distinct narrative function it could be a Sub Trope, but more often it becomes a Ridiculously Similar Trope, because the added distinction simply does not make it sufficiently unique. An example would be a “Great White Tiger Hunter”. There already exists the Great White Hunter trope; that one individual specializes in just hunting tigers is not distinct enough to become a separate trope, not even a Sub Trope.

Finally, next week I will begin discussing tropes that I have used in my stories, beginning with tropes about breasts. (wolf whistle)

Dreamlands Bestiary: The Manticore

The Manticore is a race native to the Dreamlands. Their body structure resembles centaurs, except that the lower abdominal portion is feline rather than equine. The upper thoracic portion is humanoid, but the arms are more muscular and the fingers have claws. The head has wider, more powerful jaws adapted for tearing chunks of meat out of bodies and crushing bones. The eyes are larger and adapted for night vision. The external ears are large and pointed, and mobile, capable to picking up sounds from any angle. The head has a mane-like crop of hair, even on females, along with two backwards-pointing horns. The tail terminates in a large, horny, sharp telson used for impaling both prey and other predators. It has no venom, but the size and depth of the wound is invariably fatal.

They live solitary lifestyles, coming together only to mate and raise young. Females are larger and stronger than males, and hold territories; males wander, and purchase the right to hunt in a female's territory by providing sex. The female is permanently in heat like Human females, but does also have a predictable fertility cycle. If the female becomes pregnant, the male is expected to reside with her, to protect and hunt for her and her children for as long as she suckles them. The female tends to have two kits, one male and the other female, though triplets are not unheard of. However, once the children are weaned, usually when their teeth come in, the male may leave, but many choose to stay to help teach the children how to hunt. However, when the children are ready to strike out on their own, the female drives them and the male out. At that point he helps the female establish a territory of her own and teaches the male how to survive on his own. They finally separate when the male kit becomes sexually mature.

Manticores are intelligent like Humans and capable of speech; they have their own language. However, they are carnivorous and active predators. The females are obligate carnivores and can only survive on meat. This tends to make them more aggressive and dangerous. They consider anything inside their territory as prey, even Humans or Leng Men. Females who have territories that includes seashores will also take fish, sea mammals, even Mermaids. They are opportunistic hunters and will take anything they come across, including insects, other predators, male kits not yet sexually mature, and other females. Curiously, however, they have been known to allow male Humans to live so as to provide them with sex, though only on a temporary basis (they invariably eat their "lovers" once they have sated themselves). Scholars speculate this is because during ovulation their sex drive increases dramatically, but for obvious reasons this has never been confirmed.

Males, on the other hand, can survive eating grain, vegetables, and fruit as long as meat makes up at least a third of their diet. Also, because they do not hold territories, they must be more circumspect in their hunting. As such, males tend to be more agreeable, if somewhat touchy and short tempered. Those that live close to or routinely wander into areas of Human habitation will avoid hunting people, though they will take livestock. Some males have adopted certain professions that allow them to travel more freely, such as merchants or mercenaries or bounty hunters. Such can buy meat rather than poach, but will still do so if they have no choice. Exceptionally gifted individuals who learn to read and write and speak other languages often become scholars. Persistent rumors speak of country women taking males as temporary lovers for a bit of rough sport, but whether these tales are true or just rural legends is a matter of debate.

As hunters, Manticores strike from ambush; they are very fast sprinters, but have insufficient endurance for long chases. Besides, their favorite tactic is to pin their prey to the ground or a boulder or a tree and stab them with their telson. Females also tend to rip with their hand claws and bite. Males can use weapons, such as javelins, bows and arrows, slings, or even firearms. They prefer fresh meat, though they may take a few days to consume a large carcass. Females eat meat raw, whereas males sometimes cook their food, though seldom better than blood rare.

Females almost never wear clothes, though if true the tale of Luthiar the Rascal suggests that even Manticores appreciate finery. Males who frequently encounter Humans may wear hats, shirts, and vests, along with waist belts or body harnesses. Manticores are not craftsmen, though a few males have apprenticed as blacksmiths or carpenters. They have little need of the products of crafts, but every now and then a merchant will tell how he bartered for his life with a clay pot or a woolen blanket or even some pretty glass beads. However, some Manticores, even females, are superb artists, with colored sand or chalk, or paints obtained from a victim. Literate males can be poets, but even illiterate females are storytellers. They are also marvelous singers, and one craft many can do is making simple musical instruments, such as recorders, drums, or harps. They are not much interested in alcohol, which they believe tastes awful, but they enjoy tobacco, so pipes are another possible way to avoid being dinner.

Because of their carnivorous nature, Manticores don't get along well with other races; even Cats avoid them, though they are one of the few creatures Manticores do not regularly hunt. However, wandering males often must cultivate good relations with people they routinely encounter, and even the females can befriend people who perform a service for them, or even just show them a kindness.

Synopsis: Grand Quest III-Part 2

With a Monarch's Voice Cry 'Havoc,' and Let Slip the Dogs of War

Continued from Part 1

52 days left

At dawn, the girls are awakened by a servant; Differel has formulated her plan. She has scheduled a briefing for mid-morning, after she cleans up and has a bite to eat. At the briefing she explains that their two most pressing problems is to acquire proof that the Atullians do plan to attack Ooth-Nargai or Karchedon, and to find out where Aunt Mandy is creating her army, and she believes they can get both from the same source: from the Atullian ambassador. She means to capture and interrogate him, and she feels the best way to do that is to seize his barge. The audacity of her plan stuns everyone, but once it sinks in they agree that it is their only choice. When asked where she plans to make the attack, she explains that it must be done in such a way that gives Kuranes plausible deniability; that means outside of Ooth-Nargai, where they can be declared renegades and pirates if anything goes wrong. However, while they have the strategy worked out, the tactics will have to wait for an opportune moment. Also, due to the risk involved, she wants to give anyone who wishes the chance to withdraw. Karella bows out; she is profuse in her apologies, but she is concerned for her family. Tokoyo also declines, since she considers the plan dishonorable; she would prefer a direct confrontation, but she promises that if they go to war, she will fight by their side. Since they will be returning to Ulthar, they can drop both off there. Saighlíne is the uncertain factor, but she agrees to the plan. Though she pledged personal loyalty to Kuranes, she also took an oath to protect Ooth-Nargai, and she believes that this is why Kuranes released her. The rest all agree to participate, even Victor, who explains that this is precisely the kind of thing he tends to do.

They board Saighlíne's barge shortly before noon and it heads off towards Ulthar. Once in the air, they brief the Cat Queen on their plan and she agrees it is a bold if dangerous move. She offers to augment their forces with two squads of cats. Saighlíne is concerned about becoming overcrowded, but at least cats can bed down in any warm, cozy spot. Besides, she knows that twenty cats can be like having a hundred men. After that, everyone goes off to do their own thing for the remainder of the voyage. Differel explores the barge, and eventually finds her way to the exposed prow. There she finds Victor. She sits with him, and they talk of many things, their first real chance since they met. In time Differel leans her head against his shoulder, he leans his against hers, and they drape their arms around each other's waists as they watch the landscape roll by.

Aunt Mandy informs the Atullian ambassador that Differel intends to approach the spiders of Leng for assistance. He confronts Kuranes, who demands proof. The ambassador decides to proceed to Sarkomand to see if the Moonbeasts can cause Differel some trouble.

Saighlíne's barge arrives in Ulthar in early mid-afternoon. Karella and Tokoyo depart, and the girls accompany Differel and the Cat Queen to the council clearing. There Laoise reports on the status of the mobilization: they are at 50% capacity, with another four days to go. She is not happy with the Cat Queen's decision to go to the North, but the Queen insists. She assemples her guard, and calls for volunteers for a special detail. Then they return to the barge. The girls collect some items from their home while Differel purchases additional pistols as well as extra powder and shot. When they return to the barge, they find Victor has retrieved his hippogriff. They then take off and head north. They should arrive at the main spider enclaves by dawn tomorrow.

After the Atullians have left, a fleet of galleys with a contingent of cloud barges arrives in Celephais. In command is the queen of Karchedon. She has come to confer with Kuranes on the Atullian threat. She is not surprised that Kuranes signed the non-aggression pact, and he briefs her on Differel's mission and plan. They then discuss how to prosecute the war they both know is coming.

51 days left

At dawn, Saighlíne's barge passes over the city of Inganok and continues north into the mountains. By mid-morning they are passing over the spider enclaves, and they can see valleys roofed over with webbing. Cuideog has never seen his lord's domain from the air, but he recognizes other landmarks, and directs the barge to a plateau where a party can safely land. The barge settles down and Cuideog disembarks with Differel, the girls, the Cat Queen and her guard, and Capt. Ney with three of his Ghouls. The barge lifts off again to loiter around the area just in case. Cuideog leads them into Rígomun's domain, and they are met by Leanabécne, who is his most promising student. He is disappointed that Medb is not with them, but he takes them to the place where Rígomun holds his classes. There the spider lord is entertaining a brithem, whom the girls recognize as Tiarnadlí, the spider they escorted to Lelag-Leng. Cuideog introduces them all and explains their collective mission. Rígomun welcomes the Cat Queen, and they negotiate. The spider lord is actually eager to provide aid, if for no other reason than the threat of the thok spiders, in exchange for certain concessions, none of which seem onerous. However, he must consult with his fellow council members before committing the Leng spiders to war. Tiarnadlí then speaks and states that there is precedent in the Midrash for aiding prey in a cause that threatens the spiders as well, and Rígomun need not have council permission to render it. As Rígomun arranges to have messages sent to the other councilors, Tiarnadlí explains.

A thousand millennia ago, after the Leng Men's Pyrrhic victory over the Men of Atullia, they were so weakened that the Moonbeasts took advantage and attacked to conquer them. They destroyed Sarkomand and forced the Leng Men into the interior of the plateau. The Leng spiders bore no love for the Leng Men; in fact, a thousand millennia before that, the Leng Men had fought the spiders for control of the Dreamlands and defeated them, driving them into the mountains and wastelands. However, the spiders bore them no grudge either, and recognized that the Moonbeasts were a threat to them as well. So they made a pact with the Leng Men, agreeing to fight by their side in exchange for concessions. Special units of youngling and runtish spiders were trained for combat and attached to Leng Men units, and they were very effective. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to turn the tide; the technological superiority of the Moonbeasts won out and they defeated the Leng Men. However, the spider assault units convinced them that the spiders would be too tough to conquer, and they left them alone. Since that time, the units have been maintained, though their numbers have dwindled. There are now only about a dozen left. Rígomun has formed one, with Cuideog as the nominal commander and Leanabécne as his adjutant. Rígomun may deploy it as he sees fit; he doesn't need a consensus of the council. By itself, it would make no significant impact in a war, but it could be used very effectively by a small commando force.

When Rígomun returns, he asks Differel how she would use his assault unit if he released it to her. She explains that strategically their first priority is to retake the Moon, not just to claim the proverbial high ground, but also to provide a base with which to checkmate the Moonbeasts and render them impotent in the coming war. But there is also the tactical necessity of determining if the Moonbeasts have set a trap for the cats, hoping to break their military power in an ambush. Her plan is to coordinate with the cats, and just before they invade, go in ahead of them with a commando force to scout out the enemy, and if a ambush is planned, disrupt it. Since it is impossible to anticipate every contingency, she would like to have a variety of abilities in her force, and the spiders would provide for heavy assault. When Rígomun states that he cannot allow her to use them as cannon fodder, she replies that she has no intention of doing so. She admits that on a mission like this, everyone is expendable, including herself; the goal is to reclaim the Moon, and anyone should be sacrificed to accomplish that. However, to paraphrase Melville, she would see his assault force as a staple, like beef or salt, to be used when needed and not foolishly wasted. Rígomun reveals that he is familiar with Moby Dick, but since she would have no way of knowing that, he sees her quote as indicative of her true convictions rather than an attempt to deceive him. He grants her the use of his force, and orders Cuideog to mobilize it.

Cuideog states that the unit will rendezvous where the barge dropped them off, but it won't be until morning before all the members can assemble. He invites them all to spend the night and escorts them to a cave that has been furnished to accommodate guests. It consists of a common room with three alcoves: a bedroom, a stable, and a toilet. The bed is big enough that Differel and the girls can sleep in it together, while the Ghouls can sack out in the common room and the cats in the stable. A spring provides water, but they will have to secure their own food. Cuideog informs them they may hunt in or otherwise explore Rígomun's valley, since he has declared them sacrosanct, however, his students may still take them if they can catch them unaware, so they must be very careful. Differel and Sunny go hunting with two of the Ghouls and several cats, while Eile and the other Ghouls make the cave livable. After about an hour they kill three fat-rats, and while they saw a number of spiders stalking them, none came close enough to be a danger. They skin and gut their catch, then return, giving one to the cats and one to the Ghouls, while Sunny turns the third into a stew.

On board the barge, Victor summons an homunculus and sends it off with a message. When Saighlíne asks about it, he tells her he wanted to alert his superiors in Karchedon where he could be found. Another homunculus appears with a message, and he tells Saighlíne the Elishat, Queen of Karchedon and Punica, has arrived in Celephais with an expeditionary force of twenty-five galleys and a dozen sky barges. She has decided that the threat posed by the Atullians is too great to ignore, and once the location where Mandy is putting her plan into operation is discovered, she will launch an attack, with or without support. He has apprised her of Differel's efforts to garner support for an attack, as well as find proof the Atullians mean to attack Ooth-Nargai. Elishat has expressed an interest in meeting Differel sometime in the near future.

As evening approaches, Differel is sitting outside the cave. The door is open and she can hear Eile and Sunny singing, entertaining themselves and the cats and Ghouls. She came out to think, not just about her planned attack and the coming war, but about things in general. In the gathering dusk she notices a glow on her body. Looking down, she sees the replicated George medal is glowing. At the same time, she feels the back of her neck prickle. On a hunch she calls out, and three spiders appear: Cuideog, Tiarnadlí, and Leanabécne. Cuideog admonishes her for taking the risk of being alone outside the safety of the cave, but then states that Rígomun would like to speak to her alone. Tiarnadlí will accompany her to make sure there is no treachery, and Leanabécne will remain as hostage. She agrees to go, and after informing Capt. Ney, she follows Cuideog to where Rígomun is waiting. When she arrives, however, she is surprised to find Elatha there as well. He informs her that Mandy has boasted of having a spy close to her who keeps her informed of her every move. For example, she knew she was in Celephais, staying with the Twins, and it was she who sent the Chiggers. No doubt she knows she's in the spider enclaves as well. He warns Differel to be ready for another attack. When Differel asks why he's doing this, he states that he's fairly certain Medb has told her about him. She confirms that, and he adds that while he works for the eventual overthrow of mankind and the ascendency of the Fomorians to their rightful place, he sees no purpose in maltreating humans. He fears Mandy seeks the latter; he also fears her ambition has escalated to the point where she envisions herself as the world's god, over human and Fomorian alike. She asks if he would be willing to join the coalition she is forming. He tells her that if she can show him proof that Mandy intends to enslave all, he will give his support. He then turns into a great black bird and flaps off. Rígomun informs her that he too is convinced this Mandy poses a threat to all, and promises her that, whatever the council decides, she has his full support. She bows to him in thanks and Cuideog takes her back to the cave.

Back at the barge, Victor is returning from exercising his hippogriff, when he finds himself overtaken by Shantaks being ridden by Moonbeasts. They attack and he takes evasive action to escape. As he flies low through a rocky ravine, a web net snaps up and he and the hippogriff become entangled. The Moonbeasts fly off as a spider appears. It reels them in and begins to cocoon them, but stops at about half way. It lifts them us and stares at him for some minutes, then unravels him. It carries him up to the top of the ravine and cuts him loose, them retreats a short distance. As he mounts, it waves its pedipalps at him as it whistles, but when the Shantaks pass high overhead, it turns and runs back down into the ravine. Perplexed, Victor rides off low, trying to beat the Moonbeasts back to the barge.

When Differel gets back to the cave, she tells the others only that Rígomun has pledged his support. However, the look the Cat Queen gives her suggests she knows Differel is holding something back. She and the girls then close the cave entrance and go to bed. Though they sleep naked, the bed is big enough that they can stay well separated. Eile and Sunny embrace and cuddle, with Sunny occasionally giggling and Eile shushing her, but Differel keeps her back to them. Eventually they drift off to sleep.

Victor arrives back at the barge well ahead of the Moonbeasts, but they seem to be in no hurry. Saighlíne organizes a watch and sets everyone on alert. But he keeps the incident with the spider to himself.

Later that night, Differel lays awake in bed pondering who the spy might be. Up until now she felt she could have trusted everyone she's traveled with, but where Fomorians are concerned she knows that anyone could be compromised. The Cat Queen jumps onto the bed and confronts her, saying she knows more went on when she met with Rígomun. Differel confesses she met Elatha and what he said. The Cat Queen doesn't seem surprised or disturbed, she only says she'll look into it. Then she settles in at the foot of the bed and curls up.

50 days left

In the morning, Cuideog, Tiarnadlí, and Leanabécne escort the party out of the valley back to the plateau where they were dropped off. There a dozen spiders of different sizes are waiting. Sunny signals to the barge and it settles onto the ground. At first Saighlíne balks at taking on the spiders; there's no room for them. But they indicate they can lodge in the rigging. When she questions whether they will eat her crew, Tiarnadlí claims they are nazir, consecrated by numerous oaths, one of which is never to harm any prey they fight for or with. Saighlíne acquiesces, but she is uncomfortable with them referring to her people as prey. As they prepare to board, the Moonbeasts attack. The spiders prove their worth, by ganging up on any Shantak that touches the ground and using their webbing as snares. However, it is obvious the barge is not their real target. They go after Differel and the girls, but they are beaten off. However, they capture the Cat Queen. Victor gives chase on the hippogriff as the barge follows. They head east and south, and by noon Victor returns, saying they landed in Sarkomand. Their force isn't big enough to attack the ruined city, but them Differel remembers that there is an entrance to the Underworld there. She suggests a night attack to distract the Moonbeasts, while she and the girls enter the Underworld and attack from behind. When Saighlíne asks with what, Differel replies with the Ghouls. They land and she sends Ney and his Ghouls off to contact the Ghoul warren and have them prepare. Sunny then summons a Shantak, and with the spiders' help the girls, Differel, and the cat guard drop down onto its back. They then fly for the Enchanted Woods.

The Cat Queen is taken before the Atullian ambassador, the military attaché, and their Moonbeast hosts. He states that now that they have her, he demands she agree to cede the Moon to the Cats from Saturn and their Moonbeasts allies. The Queen in turn quietly demands that she be released or they will suffer total destruction. The ambassador assumes she is bluffing or delusional and threatens her with torture unless she complies. She refuses, and he orders her taken away. The military attaché is suspicious and wonders what plan Differel will cook up to rescue her, but the ambassador ridicules her concerns.

The Shantak arrives at the stone circle in a couple of hours, and Differel, the girls, and the cats enter the Tower of Koth, using the Shantak to lift the stone slab. They hurry down to the Gug city, where they find Ney, Marrowsucker, and Stéise with an army of Ghouls. Nightgaunts pick them up and fly them to the stone staircase that leads up to Sarkomand. They climb the stairs and reach the top just after dusk. They take care of a few guards and assemble in the square. Sunny can somehow feel the Queen and they track her to one of the few intact buildings. Sunny sends off a signal and the barge attacks the main gate. Moonbeasts on Shantaks rise up to meet it, and the Nightgaunts intercept them. The Ghouls fan out across the city to harass the defenders as Differel, the girls, and the cats, with Ney and his troop, attack the building. Differel and the Ghouls hold off the defenders while the girls and the cats find and rescue the Queen. The military attaché engages Differel in another sword fight while the ambassador escapes. Differel breaks off when the Moonbeasts try to destroy the building and part of the roof collapses between her and the attaché. They all escape into the streets and Sunny sends off another signal. The surviving Ghouls meet them at the gate, then hold off the Moonbeasts and Leng Men while Differel, the girls, and the cats get aboard the barge as Victor and the Nightgaunts cover them. As the Nightgaunts swoop down to snatch up the Ghouls and carry them off, the barge veers off with Shantaks in hot pursuit. While trying to protect the laden Nightgaunts, Victor collides with a Shantak and both go down. Saighlíne swings the barge around and Differel jumps off with Ney and his Ghouls. Before the Shantak can attack Victor, a spider appears and distracts it, giving him and the hippogriff a chance to get away. Nightgaunts grab Ney and his Ghouls as Differel climbs up on the hippogriff, and they take off. The spider leaps and catches a hold of the rigging as the barge takes off. Again they are chased by Shantaks, but as they turn out to sea, they encounter a squadron of destroyers from Karchedon who cover its retreat. They then form up and escort them out over the Cerenarian Sea to rendezvous with a Karchedon task force of galleys.

A yacht rises up from the task force, and when it comes alongside, Queen Elishat transfers to the barge. She makes a speech praising everyone's bravery, and welcoming the Ghouls and spiders to the cause. She offers to quarter the Ghoul army and its Nightgaunts on one of her barge destroyers, which Stéise accepts. She then asks to confer with Differel, the girls, Victor, Saighlíne, the Cat Queen, Stéise, and Cuideog. They meet in Saighlíne's cabin. There Elishat offers the support of her barge task force when the cats invade the Moon. Stéise also volunteers her Ghouls and Nightgaunts to augnment the cat army. Differel is still convinced it is a trap, but the added forces should help tip the balance. Nonetheless, she still wants to go in with a small force to reconnoiter and if possible disrupt the trap. Elishat leaves it to her, and invites the Cat Queen and her guard to stay with her on her command galley. They depart with her as everyone else settles in for the night.

Victor asks Cuideog to meet him on deck, and they go confront the spider that saved him. Victor wants to know why it let him go and came to his rescue just now. Cuideog translates its reply as, many years ago when it was a youngling, it attacked him when he was on the plateau and he subdued it, but rather than kill it he let it go. Later, he killed a group a wamp that had caught was about to kill it, so he saved its life, if inadvertently. It has now repaid both debts, but it has heard that the spiders may mobilize for war. It wants to be a nazir, and it felt this would be a good opportunity. Cuideog is reluctant to accept it; it is untrained and untried, but Victor accepts it as a personal retainer, taking the responsibility for its training and its behavior. It accepts his offer. When Victor asks for its name, Cuideog explains that spiders don't have names; his and those of the other named spiders were given to them by Medb. Victor names it Shelob.

Mandy informs the Atullian ambassador that Elatha has informed Differel she has a spy in her midst, and that she has informed the Cat Queen, but no one else. This will make her more cautious, but since she still has no idea of the nature of the spy, the revelation will do her little good and may even hamper her.

Continued in Part 3

Synopsis: Team Girl Dieselpunk AR Story - Part 2

Continued from Part 1

After their rest, they collect their gear and load up the Daring Daffy. Eile and Mach arm themselves with Thompson submachine guns, Colt Model 1903 Pocket Hammerless pistols, and a few Mk 2 grenades; Sunny arms herself with an MP 34 submachine gun and a Walther PP pistol with a number of Model 24 grenades; and Differel and Victor arm themselves with Lanchester submachine guns, Browning Hi-Power pistols, and several No. 36M grenades. Eile serves as middleman, taking gear passed to her from Differel in the airship and passing it to Sunny in the seaplane, and standing on the back of the plane outside with no restraints is a bit nerve-wracking, but her experience as a barnstormer helps. Once everyone is on board, the robots disengage the seaplane and Sunny flies off towards the coordinates. After a few moments, however, Vlad appeares beside them.

About five minutes before they reach the coordinates, Sunny’s tracker picks up a homing signal. She rides the beam and they spot a small structure, like a hut, built into the side of a mountain. She swings around it and lands on a small lake fed by a melting glacier. They disembark and travel overland; Vlad lands beside them and keeps pace. After an hour they arrive at the hut. It’s too small for Vlad to enter, so it stays outside as they go in. The interior looks like a temporary shelter that hasn’t been visited for years, but as soon as they congregate in the center, the wall inside the mountain opens by sliding into the floor, revealing a wide featureless tunnel. They walk down to the other end but find only another wall. As they mill around trying to figure out what’s up, a voice welcomes them, then an image forms in front of the end wall. They recognize it immediately: it’s Dr. Mabuse, the genius who made their world possible. She had supposedly been killed in a horrendous lab accident in 1926; the devastation was so complete no one expected to find a body. They realize now she must have faked her death.

Differel asks if she had set up this whole puzzle just to get them to come there. Though she states she hadn’t targeted them exactly, she confirms that the plans were a lure. When Eile asks why, she smiles, the image disappears, and the wall opens. Expecting a trap, they ready their weapons, but then they discover that beyond is some kind of circular control room. In the center is a pedestal with a glass dome top; inside the dome a brain is submerged in liquid and attached to a bed of wires. Dozens of cables emerge from the base of the dome, extend up to the ceiling, run along to the outer wall, then descend and plug into the backs of the heads of dozens of robots standing in front of consoles lining the wall.

The Mabuse image reappears and she explains that eight years ago she realized that she would be unable to control the use of her inventions, not if she had to rely on politicians to do it. She knew she could if she had a free hand, but she wouldn’t have that as long as she worked for any one government. So she faked her death and retreated to that base. There she worked out how to safely remove her brain and place it in a lifesupport system connected to a network grid of interconnected differential analyzers operated by robots. Ever since, she has been working on a large number of projects, but the most important is trying to find a way to prevent the human race from destroying itself, either by a devastating war or an ecological apocalypse. She is now ready to implement her plan, but she needs helpers on the outside. She hopes they will volunteer.

Sunny asks what her intentions are; does she mean to take over the world and rule as a tyrant? Mabuse declares she was no desire to rule the world, or even to buy it and have someone rule it for her. She just wants to stave off war long enough to allow social evolution to produce beneficial change, and to introduce new technologies that will replace diesel combustion, thereby allowing the environment to correct itself. When Victor asks how she hopes to stop the war, she replies that so far war has been prevented by the technological parity between the Triple Entente and the Triple Alliance, but this balance of power is unstable. If one side or the other were to achieve a major breakthrough that would increase its power exponentially, it could be tempted to launch a preemptive strike to weaken or destroy its adversary. With the world a powderkeg, that could lead directly to war as the major powers and their allies retaliated. She wants to introduce a stabilizing element by allowing all parties to obtain simultaneously a number of minor breakthroughs that would increase their strength and thus their security without giving any power a clear advantage. The turbojet is the first of such technologies. It would make the air forces of the world more even while limiting them to one basic form of flight propulsion.

They all agree it sounds like a laudable plan that could work, but they don’t believe they can join her. Mabuse slyly points out that with their covers blown they cannot return to their old espionage activities, and even if they tried, their governments would probably disown them for being too high-profile. She concludes they might as well work for her.

Mabuse unexpectedly reports that a hovership has entered the area. It is only a corvette, but it still has enough firepower to blow Differel’s airship out of the sky. As Differel warns it to get away, Mabuse reports that the corvette is launching its two parasite aircraft. One tries to chase off after the airship, but with its ioncraft engines it’s too fast. The other heads straight for the Daring Daffy. As they watch on a monitor the seaplane is destroyed. A launch is released carrying assault troops. At the same time, Sheraton broadcasts an ultimatum: surrender or die. Victor wonders how she could have found her way there. Mach reveals he had told her, then produces a booby trap made from grenades. He threatens to set it off unless they surrender. Eile asks why he’s doing this. He tells them he is an IRA agent. He had been using his association with Eile to funnel money and weapons to his colleagues in Ireland, but Sheraton’s offer of $100,000 would finally allow them to start a war of independence, and she had also promised regular shipments of weapons and ammunition. Now, though, getting control of Mabuse would mean Sheraton could reward them with enough money to ensure victory, and Mabuse could supply them with weapons that could allow them to conquer Britain. Eile berates him for his treachery, but he just shrugs, saying that she was fun, but in the end all he cared about was liberating his people.

As he speaks, though, one of the robots behind him steps away from its console and approaches him. When it reaches him, it grabs him by the neck and crushes it, but he still manages to pull the pins. Eile runs up, grabs the makeshift bomb, and throws it out into the tunnel. The wall slams shut even as the bomb goes off, and a gout of flame flares out from the top of the wall as it closes. It then reopens and everyone is astonished that there is no damage. However, Mabuse assures them that if the grenades had gone off in the control room, her brain would have survived but they would have been killed and the consoles destroyed.

The question now, though, is how to stop Sheraton. Armed robots and 30mm Gatling sentry guns appear to fight off the assault troops, but the corvette could bombard them. Eile wishes she had her fighter, and Mabuse tells her she has a prototype jet fighter, with a rocket motor, missiles as well as autocannons, and a miniature particle beam weapon. However, it’s a two-seater: she would need a co-pilot to operate the particle beam and missiles. Sunny volunteers. Differel tells them to go, she and Victor will hold off the troops.

A robot leads them to a hangar where they find the aircraft. Other robots are busy preparing it for launch and give them flight suits and parachutes to wear. Once in the cockpit they take a moment to check out the controls, but there is little there they haven’t seen before. When they’re ready, a tunnel opens up, Eile takes the craft up, then activates the rocket motor and streaks out of the mountain. Once outside she switches to the jet engines. Though slower than the rocket, she is amazed at their speed and their maneuverability. She doesn’t have to shut them off to make turns, but she still can to make sharp angle turns if necessary. They see Vlad protecting the hut from the assault troops, which are a mix of humans and robots, but a missile from the corvette destroys the giant robot.

Underground, Mabuse’s robots deploy in the entrance tunnel while Mabuse partially raises the control center wall so that Differel and Victor have cover. Eile and Sunny left their weapons and ammunition behind to help them. The assault force enters the tunnel, and while the robots engage each other, the humans charge the barrier as Differel and Victor fire, supported by the sentry guns.

The parasite fighters attack, but their machine guns cannot penetrate the jet’s armor. Eile uses the autocannons to destroy them. She then turns on the corvette. Its antiaircraft weapons are more powerful, but Sunny uses the missiles to take out the bigger guns and missile launchers while Eile peppers it with autocannon fire.

The robots have decimated each other but Mabuse’s forces emerge victorious. Meanwhile a few humans make it to the control center and Differel and Victor fight them off in hand-to-hand combat, but they also win the day. Mabuse informs them that Eile and Sunny have taken out the weapons on the corvette, but a new party is arriving.

Sunny uses the particle beam to punch a hole through the corvette’s bow and Eile orders it stand down, when a missile from another quarter threatens them. She evades it and Sunny destroys it with another missile but then they see a huge hoverbattle ship with a fighter escort come into view.

Mabuse identifies it as the Yamato, the flagship of the Japanese hoverfleet, with an escort of two dozen aircraft. Sheraton once again orders that they surrender or die. Differel and Victor reason that Sheraton must have been working for Japan.

Eile and Sunny decide to engage the Yamato, even though it would be suicidal. As they make their run, however, a particle beam crosses the Yamato’s bow. They see another hoverbattle ship approach, with three destroyers and an armada of aircraft, but Eile recognizes this one: the Theodore Roosevelt, commanded by Gen. Ross. Ross orders the Yamato to withdraw, which it does as quickly as it can manage. However, in the confusion Sheraton managed to slip away.

Eile and Sunny return the fighter, then they, Differel, and Victor take the abandoned launch up to the Roosevelt. They are taken to a wardroom, where they find Ross, Oda Jaeger, and Edward Penbryn seated at a table with Maela. As soon as the door is closed by the guards, Maela activates a device and an image of Mabuse appears. She explains that she has been working on her plan for some time, and that her first recruits were the most important. Their superiors in their respective intelligence agencies are each loyal to their home governments, but they know better than most people just how precarious the world situation is right now. As such, they decided the best way to serve their governments would be to cooperate. In doing so, they have discovered that the greatest threats to peace are emerging powers like the Japanese, defunct powers like the Ottomans trying to regain past glory, third-rate powers like Russia seeking to become major players, terrorist groups such as the Separatists and the IRA who want only anarchy, and opportunist like Sheraton looking only to profit from intrigue and tensions. They’ve done all they can alone; now they need experienced and resourceful field agents to handle tasks they can’t. When Mabuse asked them who they might suggest, they immediately thought of them, and came up with an elaborate scheme to introduce them and get them to work together, as well as to get rid of Dirk and Mach to keep the terrorists from finding out about Mabuse.

The choice is theirs. They need not volunteer, they can go back to their lives, though Victor would be the only one who still has an intelligence career. Sunny complains that she has no life to go back to, with her seaplane destroyed. Eile states that she can partner with her, but her fighter was her racing vehicle, so she has nothing to go back to either. Mabuse assures them she can solve both their problems. Differel is willing, but on the condition that her “exile” be lifted so she can return to her home estate, and Penbryn states that can be arranged.

On the deck of the Roosevelt, Eile and Sunny wait for Differel to say good bye to Victor, before they take the launch back to her airship waiting alongside to pick them up. He will be staying on board so he can be transferred to a British hovership later. She tells him she would like to see him again, and she hopes it won’t be long. He replies that he wants to see her again too, as soon as he can. They embrace and kiss, then she heads towards the launch, only to hesitate when she sees the two girls leering at her. She calls them wankers and tells them to get their minds out of the gutter.

Back in New York, Differel, Eile, and Sunny sit on the terrace of her penthouse at sunset having dinner. Mabuse was as good as her word. When they returned to Eile’s hangar complex, they found a P5M Marlin flying boat waiting for Sunny and the prototype jet fighter in Eile’s hangar. Differel’s limo is also there, and Aelfraed drives them back to the city while the crew robots return the airship to its hangar. They spend the rest of the day relaxing, but at dinner discuss their situation. They decide to join with Mabuse and Differel offers to let them live with her, to better operate together. Besides, she would appreciate the company. Eile and Sunny agree, and they toast their new partnership with champagne.

The Shieldmaiden

Though the existence of shieldmaidens in history is disputed, they are a staple of Celtic, Germanic, and Norse folklore and mythology. They undoubtedly count as one source for the modern fictional Action Girl trope, as well as the general use of warrior women in fantasy.

In the Medb hErenn universe, she inspired many women with her fighting prowess to forsake a standard domestic life and live as a warrior. She undoubtedly trained some of them as well, and they in turn trained others. Though social forces such as the Church eventually stamped out the general practice of training women for war, a few continued in secret, including an order of nuns, the Daughters of Cwenthryth.

Meanwhile, one famous shieldmaiden, Lathgertha, is an ancestor of Sir Differel through the Van Helsing branch of her family.

For more information, see this article.

The House of Dumb Sunny Jokes

One day Sunny decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.

Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.

A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.

Surprised, she answered it. It was Eile. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"

=====

As Sunny was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. She finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered Eile's advice. She had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.

So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Eile how she had followed her advice and got home without getting stuck.

After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to the car and asked if she was all right. He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time.

"Sure," she said and she explained how Eile had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.

A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next."

=====

While wandering through a clothes store in a shopping mall, Sunny suddenly remembers she needs a microwave. Seeing one in the back, she tells the clerk she wants to buy it. The clerk looks up, and glances at the microwave in question and says, "We can't sell that to blondes."

Irate at the apparent discrimination she decides she'll fool him, and goes home and dyes her hair to become a brunette. The next day she returns to the same store and again asks a different clerk for the microwave. Again the clerk says, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a brunette."

Aghast, she thinks it's unfair discrimination and decides to try one more time, only this time as a red-head. She waits patiently outside the store until another clerk is available and once more asks to buy the microwave. Again she is disappointed to hear, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a red-head."

Frustrated she asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because, that's not a microwave, it's a TV."

=====

Sunny was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up, examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was.

"It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."

That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.

The next day, Eile saw the thermos in the kitchen, as it really was rather striking.

"What's ya got there?" Eile asked.

"It's a thermos." Sunny said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."

"I know that, ya ditz! What've you got in it?"

"I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."

=====

Q: What goes VROOM-SCREECH! VROOM-SCREECH?

A: Sunny going through a blinking red light.

=====

Q: Why can't Sunny take any coffee breaks at work?

A: Because it'd be too hard to re-train her.

New eBook: Youthful Indiscretion

I have just published a new ebook:

Youthful Indiscretion

Henry Helsing-Plunkett is the 14-year old son of Sir Differel Van Helsing, and her heir to take over the directorship of the Caerleon Order when he turns 21. Though he is being trained by her staff to handle his duties at that time, at present he still has a lot to learn. For instance...

One day he helps inventory the contents of a secure storage vault located in the catacombs under the ancestral manor, when he discovers a black lacquer cube. He recognizes it to be a puzzle made of individual interlocked pieces. Intrigued, he "borrows" it without his mother's permission and solves it. Too late, he realizes there had been a good reason why the cube had been locked away, when the Cenobites led by Pinhead appear in his bedroom. He flees to his mother for protection, but the Cenobites follow. Only then does she discover that the cube, known as the Lament Configuration, had been planted in the vault by an enemy, hoping someone would solve it and the Cenobites would destroy the Caerleon Order.

Pinhead grants Differel an hour's grace before he and his companions do just that. Somehow, she must find out who planted the cube, and how to drive the Cenobites back to their realm, before they can seize her and Henry and torture them for eternity.

This ebook is free and can be downloaded from Smashwords.

Morality Tropes

Morality is a common theme in my stories: characters acting on their principles, or trying to figure out what is the right thing to do, or confronted with a problem that forces them to choose between conflicting obligations, or placed in a situation where they might have to abandon their principles altogether. How my characters react is based on their personalities and their personal moral codes, but as in Real Life some Out of Character reactions are to be expected.

While there are a large number of tropes that deal with issues of morality, in this post I will concentrate on the Shades of Conflict . These are tropes that describe morality-based conflict in stories in terms of color, such as black vs. white. The accepted convention is that white represents good, black evil, and gray neutrality. Despite the somewhat absolute associations, however, it should be noted that even within white and black there are gradations from pure to just-this-side-of-gray (gray is itself assumed to represent all shades from almost-white to almost-black). I should also point out that this kind of moral description can get complicated, such as White vs. Grey (and sometimes White) and Black. However, I tend to keep the conflicts in my stories fairly simple, if for no better reason than to keep myself from getting confused.

Finally, it is important to remember that, since Light Is Not Good and Dark Is Not Evil, it is the characters’ actions rather than their images that determine whether they are Good People, Bad People, or Guess It Doesn't Matter People.

White and Black Morality -- the protagonist is an Ideal Hero and the antagonist is a Bad Guy

***** The conflict in my stories is predicated on this basic concept; however, few of my characters are that pure. Feline Savior and Dark Vengeance may be the closest to a true good vs. evil story.

White and White Morality -- both the protagonist and the antagonist are Ideal Heroes

***** In A Typical Friday Night , Eile and Sunny get into a bar fight with two bruisers who at first seem like Bad Guys, but eventually prove they’re not so bad after all. In a future story, they will become Big Damn Heroes in their own right.

White and Gray Morality -- the protagonist is still an Ideal Hero but the antagonist is either an Anti Villain or an Anti Hero

***** In Oak Do Hate , Sir Differel, acting as the Ideal Hero, confronts the Spirit of the Oaks, acting as an Anti Villain. The Spirit is not acting out of malice, but demands restitution for the harvested oak trees in its care. Differel is just as determined to save her people from a fate worse than death.

Black and Black Morality -- both the protagonist and the antagonist are Bad Guys

***** In A Fidus Aranea , the protagonist is Wendy Stroud, but the conflict is between the Eldritch Abomination Atlach-Nacha acting for the protagonist and the abusive boyfriend Eric who is clearly the antagonist. Both of them are Bad Guys in the traditional sense.

A Lighter Shade of Black -- both the protagonist and the antagonist are Bad Guys but one is more sympathetic than the other

***** Atlach-Nacha in A Fidus Aranea, as compared to Eric. In fact, the Eldritch Abomination comes off looking quite heroic in his own way.

Black and Gray Morality -- the antagonist is still a Bad Guy but the protagonist is an Anti Hero or an Anti Villain

***** In Pyrrhic Victory , the wizard Whateley is revealed to be the Bad Guy at the end, but Lt. West, while acting in a heroic role, is less than the Ideal Hero.

Grey and Gray Morality -- both the protagonist and the antagonist are Anti Heroes and/or Anti Villains

***** In No Torrent Like Greed , both Lt. Mark Thorner and Shinia Norlen are cynical noir characters pursuing their own agendas, sometimes in cooperation, at the end in opposition, but both will do whatever they need to to succeed. The true Ideal Heroes are January Ian Mariposa and his cat Bastet.

In Disposable Commodities , both Guy Trousseau and the sorceress Lily treat people as disposable commodities, to be used for their pleasure and then discarded without a second thought.

In Redshirt , Theodore Thompson meets a Witch in a bar, and they very quickly engage in meaningless animal sex.

A Lighter Shade of Grey -- both the protagonist and the antagonist are Anti Heroes and/or Anti Villains but one is more noble than the other

***** Thorner in No Torrent Like Greed, as compared to Shinia. He starts off falling in love with her and tries to rescue her when she’s kidnapped, while she ultimately betrays him.

Trousseau in Disposable Commodities, as opposed to Lily. He at least feels some pang of conscious for his disposable people, whereas Lily is totally selfish and self-indulgent without a shred of sympathy or remorse.

Ted in Redshirt, as opposed to the Witch. All he wanted was to get laid, whereas she had other, more perverse desires.

Graying Morality -- either the protagonist or the antagonist or both shift over time from pure to shaded

***** In Do Unto Others... , the people of a future utopia start out as white or very light gray, because they do not practice violence, but by the end of the story they become much darker as they adopt the practices of Jack the Ripper.

Blue and Orange Morality -- one or both sides are neither good nor evil, or even neutral, but alien and/or bizarre

***** The Princess in Orange is Above Good and Evil, so she certainly qualifies, but in Rhapsody in Orange we are also introduced to her "brother", the Prince in Blue, and both epitomize this trope perfectly. The Princess believes everyone should be happy, except her brand of happiness is lunacy, whereas the Prince believes everyone should accept the nihilism of the universe and live in a constant state of suicidal despair. Each believes that their particular outlook is the greatest "good" while that of their sibling is the greatest "evil", yet neither extreme is especially attractive to Humans, who cannot comprehend either. The problem is both siblings are perfectly willing to destroy any civilization that refuses to embrace his or her philosophy as its own.

Next week, I will discuss what isn't a trope.

Dreamlands Bestiary: The Fear Dearg

The Fear Dearg is a race native to the Dreamlands. Its members resemble Humans, but are short of stature, usually three feet tall at most. Their name means “Red Man”, because their clothes are always red. They wear tricorn hats, coats, vests, breeches, stockings, and buckles on their shoes. They always carry a clay pipe with them, and sometimes they are armed with a broadsword or dirk.

They live in isolated family units wherever they can find a suitable location, even within sight of Human or Leng Men communities. The family consists of parents and children and aunts, no more. Females remain with the family until they marry; grandparents continue to occupy their home when the children leave. Males live solitary lives, wandering until they find a suitable mate. Then the two of them wander until they find a suitable place to live. All activities occur within the family, including marriages and funerals. Families that live close by sometimes gather together to have a fair of sorts, but otherwise interact very rarely. They are master craftsmen, but poor metalworkers, so they trade with their Goblin or Human neighbors for metal tools, as well as food and other items they cannot make themselves. They are unaffected by iron or silver. They are vegetarians and raise garden plots, but trade for grain and whatever fruit they cannot raise on their own. They love storytelling, music, and dancing, and play games such as cards, hurling, chess, dominoes, and bowling. They are famous for the beer they brew, and Humans and Leng Men trade for their tobacco.

Except for family units that trade with their neighbors, most people encounter solitary males. Fear Dearg are masters of Dream-magic, but only solitary males make regular use of it. They use it primarily for two purposes: to disguise themselves so as to pass undetected among Humans and to play practical jokes on people. These pranks are usually pretty embarrassing, but they are never malicious. If people are injured, it is usually through their own clumsiness. The males love to torment humorless people in particular, but they admire those who take the joke in stride and laugh at their own foolishness. They have been known to befriend such people, and even save their lives.

The Fear Dearg try to stay on good terms with other races; they are especially friendly with Cats and Zoogs, and often act as neutral intermediaries in their disputes. They can help Humans and Leng Men bring in their harvest in return for a portion for their own use. Only the Siabhra can prove to be too hostile, in which case they tend to leave them alone. Solitary males sometimes bond with people they respect, and will watch over them and their homes until they die. However, they still play the occasional prank, just to keep in practice, especially on guests.