Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 9

Ancient Roman Towns

The town is a uniquely Roman invention. For much of human history, people have lived in villages, with true urban cities few and far between. Most cities developed as villages grew and urbanized, but some important ones were built by the local king. Even so, the distinction between a large village and a small city is difficult to define. Even the concept of a circuit defense is insufficient, because numerous villages also had barriers for protection, including stone or brick walls. Generally, a village is considered to be just a community of local inhabitants who farm commonly-held land, while a city is seen as a diversified political, economic, and industrial center, but even this can overlap to a considerable extent.

In many ways, the town was “invented” to fill this gap, though a town is more than just a large village/small city. Towns share characteristics of both, but are clearly different from both, even if the difference is subjective. In essence, a town is meant to provide the services and protection of a city in a local area otherwise far removed from the closest urban center, yet also be convenient placed for the locals to live and trade.

The origin of the Roman town is obscure, but a case could be made that it grew out of the castrum (plural, castra), the military camps of the Roman legions. In fact, they are often described as “towns”. They were meant to provide a safe base to which soldiers could retire to rest and recover from battle; in fact, regulations forbad combat until after a castrum had been set up. So efficient were the Romans at building castra that they could do so even when under attack in only a few hours.

One reason for this efficiency and speed was because the plan of a castrum was standardized, and it could be expanded to accommodate any size force. There were modifications based on whether a castrum was permanent or temporary, and if the latter, how temporary, but these were minor when compared to the design as a whole. It was laid out in a grid, with avenues crossing perpendicular to one another. Inside the defensive barrier of a ditch, earthen wall, and wooden palisade, different sections had different functions, such as command and control, living space, work space for support crafts, and corrals for animals. There were only four gates connected by two main roads, and where they intersected stood a central plaza, which could also act as a forum and marketplace. Castra had their own sanitation and running water, and the larger ones even had baths. They also claimed and controlled large swaths of land around them called territoria, to provide the resources they needed to be self-sustaining, such as pastures, woodlots, water sources, stone quarries, mines, exercise fields and local villages for food and additional labor as needed.

When a permanent castrum was built, three things happened fairly quickly: camp followers settled around the fort to provide services for the soldiers; Roman merchants traveled there to trade goods the soldiers needed for booty; and locals established villages nearby, for protection and to trade food for goods they could not make. If a castrum was meant to be in operation more or less indefinitely, or at least for decades, retiring soldiers who had acquired ties to the area would settle there rather than return home, and either farm, become merchants, or ply a craft-trade. Once the surrounding population had grown large enough, the castrum became a settlement, so that even if the legion withdrew the settlers could use the camp as a fortified community.

Under these circumstances, it’s easy to see how these former camps became the nuclei for new towns. It’s also easy to see that, if the Roman authorities decided to build a town, either as a political center or to encourage trade or even just to establish a presence, they would use the castrum design as inspiration for developing the layout. Like a castrum, it would have a defensive barrier, usually of stone. There would be four gates and two main roads, with a forum/marketplace where the roads met. The streets would be laid out on a grid. The government buildings would surround the forum, with tabernae on their ground floors. Insulae would provide residences, with perhaps a few domus, again with ground-floor tabernae (the richest people most likely lived outside the town on country estates). At least one bathhouse and a theatre would usually be built as well. In potentially hostile areas there would be a garrison in a barracks. It would have running water supplied by a local source and sanitation. The surrounding territoria would almost certainly include several local villages, but Roman citizens would be encouraged to settle to farm the land. Such towns were probably intended to become active almost immediately, with working shops to make goods and merchants seeking to establish trade with the locals. These people, if they weren’t retired soldiers (who were often encouraged to settle locally), were either recruited by the authorities or might even be conscripted.

As with castra, the efficiency of the Roman town model made it possible for them to put towns almost anywhere and build them quite quickly, some of which became important medieval cities. Like the tabernae, the spread of Roman towns is a testimony to the success of Roman culture and commerce, and of course their legions.

The Pliocene Adventure -- Introduction

This is the first of a series of posts on background material for a future story, in which Team Girl and Sir Differel become stranded in the past during the Pliocene Epoch some 3.3 million years. This one will introduce the story idea. Future posts will describe the local geography and climate, the animals they encounter, and the supplies and equipment they will need to survive.

Dr. Mabuse, their mad scientist friend, had made two major breakthroughs: artificial brains and Schrodinger wave function technology. Without going into too much quantum mechanics, the Schrodinger wave function is a mathematical equation that describes how the quantum state of a physical system evolves, or changes, over time. Though the equation is normally used on quantum systems (atoms, molecules, and subatomic particles), theoretically it can be applied to any physical system, including the whole universe. Mabuse has figured out not only what the wave function means, and what it can say about any system, but also how to manipulate it. One aspect of the equation is that it shows all possible states that a system can be in given the right circumstances. To give a crude example, Mabuse first used her technology to turn Eile into a funtanari, what in colloquial English is called a “dickgirl”. In other words, inherent in Eile’s wave function is a state in which she has a penis instead of a vagina. Mabuse was able to, essentially, reduce Eile to a form of quantum instability in which she existed in all her possible states simultaneously, then Mabuse selected the state she wanted and restabilized Eile into that new state.

This technology goes beyond transmogrification. The wave function of a system also establishes where and when it can exist, so from this basic technology Mabuse was able to create, among other things, a matter transporter and a time machine. In essence, her time machine works by altering the state of a traveler so that she can only exist in the time the machine is set for. Up until this story, Mabuse could only send someone back in time if she first calculated the exact space-time coordinates of the target date. The time part of the calculation is, by itself, relatively straightforward, but the location calculation is monumentally difficult. The reason is that everything is moving; literally. The continents drift, the Earth spins on its axis and changes its tilt, it shifts as the Moon orbits about it, it obits the sun, the sun drifts through the galaxy, the galaxy flies through space, the universe expands…you get the idea. He point is, if Mabuse does not carefully and exactly calculate the exact position of where she wants to send something, it could materialize deep underground, or deep into outer space. Even a minor miscalculation could have a traveler materialize in rock up to her knees, or six feet above the ground. And since time is connected to space, the complex space calculation also made the time calculation more complex as well. Depending upon how far back she wanted to go, it could take her days, weeks, even months of nonstop computing time, even with a supercomputer, to arrive at an exact result.

To solve this problem she created a device she named the transponder. It sends out a signal though time, allowing her to determine its exact location in space-time relative to the base unit in her lab. Once in place they allow virtually error-free transport, but they must be manually put into place first, because they need to be properly set up and calibrated, and tested. Mabuse created and tested a prototype, then built the first working model. A typical mad scientist, she decided to prove its worth in a grandiose way: she would send Team Girl back 3 million years into the past, then bring them home just using the transponder. To give it a proper test, they would wait 8 hours, the minimal amount of time needed to require a whole new set of calculations to lock on to them and bring them back. At the last minute, Sir Differel asked to come along.

Mabuse had spent an entire year calculating the coordinates to a precision better than one in 10,000, so transport back went off without a hitch. The three women set up the transponder and go exploring, taking pictures and video. When they return they watch helpless as a stampeding herd of mastodons destroys the transponder. They find a group of cargo containers and a message from Mabuse and Medb, explaining that when the signal from the transponder ceased, they sent the containers back loaded with supplies, because they have to build a new transponder, requiring new calculations, and it could be as long as a year before they receive it in the past.

The gist is, they are stranded and on their own.

At this point, the remainder of the story will encompass several parallel plot arcs. In one, we see how they find shelter and water, and how they figure out strategies for survival, as well as coping with living together all the time. In another, they earn the enmity of the local flock of terror birds and must figure out a way to counter them. Another has them befriending a sabertooth cat, and seeking revenge when it is killed saving them from the terror birds. Various scenarios also describe them interacting with various animals that share their domain. The major arc, however, involves them encountering an immortal serpent man.

L. Neil Smith and the Lusitania

Last week I mentioned a claim by L. Neil Smith that the Lusitania carried deck guns; here it is in his actual words:

Then there's Lusitania, that innocent, defenseless British passenger liner with 1500 sweet, unsuspecting American tourists aboard, cruelly set upon and sent to Davy Jones' locker by that evil, sneaky, underhanded German Weapon of Mass Destruction, the submarine (which happens to have been invented and first used by an American during the Revolutionary War).

There's a big problem with the conventional interpretation of these events, one that the British government tried to conceal for decades, even threatening deadly military force against the folks who refound [sic] the Titanic, when they got too close to doing the same thing with the Lusitania. What underwater explorers were not permitted to discover, explorers of paperwork eventually did. Under international law, the Lusitania--which was equipped with deck guns, hidden under canvas, and was burdened with a hold full of military munitions--was legally a ship of war.

And, therefore, fair game.

“The Empire of Lies” The Libertarian Enterprise 288, June 22, 2003

At the time I wrote that I could not comment on it because, as usual, Smith did not give his source. However, between then and now I found what might be a possible source, on a website that discusses the very controversy Smith mentions. Whether Smith ever saw this source, I cannot say, but it may be the ultimate source for whatever other source Smith did see.

The website is “Lusitania Controversy” by Keith Allen. It is divided into sections dealing with different aspects of the disaster and various charges made, including conspiracy on the part of the British to arrange the sinking of the Cunarder to goad America’s entry into the war. For our purposes, the relevant section is “III. Armament and Cargo”, and discusses both the alleged deck guns and munitions. The primary claims that Allen deals with comes from the book Lusitania, by Colin Simpson.

Regarding the deck guns, Simpson claims that the Cunarder had been modified to carry 12 six-inch guns, which were hidden away in secret compartments, but could be brought out, mounted, and made ready for action in 20 minutes. His principle evidence is three eyewitness accounts of dubious credibility. Two were German agents, one of whom later admitted he had lied. The third was an anonymous “lady” whose family refused to reveal her identity. In a letter she described how a British admiral advised her to travel on the Lusitania because it had concealed armament, and that once on board she was allowed to see the hidden guns.

Allen points out a number of problems with this story, not the least of which is the idea that a British admiral would confide such a secret to an American woman. Allen also mentions that twelve 6-inch guns are heavy armament, equivalent to the main battery of a cruiser, and that while many nations in time of war converted merchant vessels to cruisers (it was no secret that the British could do the same to Lusitania, and the practice was neither illegal under international law nor underhanded), the British chose to keep the Curnader in commercial passenger service. He further states that Lusitania’s crew could not have manned such guns, and 100 men would be needed to operate them, which would be hard to conceal even in a crew of 700. Finally he points out that, if these guns were meant to be defensive, they would have been useless against submarines because of the amount of time needed to make them operational (20 minutes), and he asks why they were not already in place when the Cunarder entered waters known to be patrolled by submarines.

Smith does claim that they were already in place, but Simpson makes no such claim in his book, so where Smith got this idea is unknowable unless he reveals his source. Even if Smith was right, these guns proved utterly useless.

As for the munitions, this was no secret: the cargo was actually listed on the ship’s manifest. It consisted of rifle cartridges, non-explosive shrapnel shells (they were not filled with explosive powder), and shell fuses. It wasn’t even illegal; the US permitted their transport on passenger ships without restriction. The question is, did these make Lusitania a “ship of war”, and thereby a legitimate target? Allen reports that according to international law at the time, carrying munitions did make a merchant ship a legitimate target, but not a ship of war. To be that it would have had to have been converted to a cruiser, which the Lusitania wasn’t. And even though the claim that the Cunarder carried deck guns is dubious at best, even that would not have classified it as a ship of war, because under international law merchant vessels were allowed to carry small defensive guns (typically 4.7-inch).

Even so, that’s not really the issue here. The condemnation of the sinking of the Lusitania wasn’t just based on it being a passenger liner, but was primarily due to the fact that international law required that a warship warn the merchanter of an impending attack and allow the crew and passengers to escape first before sinking it. Having defensive guns or carrying munitions did not nullify a ship’s immunity to attack without warning. However, submarines were particularly vulnerable to attack, and starting in 1914 British merchant ships had orders to attack submarines if escape was not possible, either by shelling or ramming, even if the submarine had not yet attacked. In fact, by the time of the sinking of the Lusitania, several submarines had already been sunk or damaged by attacking merchant vessels. As such, it would have been suicidal for a submarine to surface and give warning, not to mention a clear nullification of its one chief advantage: concealment and surprise.

The point is, the outcry stemmed from the fact that the Lusitania had been sunk without warning, in violation of international law.

So, where are we so far?

1. There is no credible evidence the Lusitania carried deck guns.

2. Its cargo of munitions was perfectly legal and quite normal.

3. Neither made the Cunarder a “ship of war”, though it was a legitimate merchant target.

4. It was sunk without warning, which violated international law.

I should also point out that the fact that it was a legitimate target is not disputed, so the implied basis for Smith’s claim -- that it was described as a simple passenger liner -- is groundless. The condemnation derives from the loss of civilian lives in a sneak attack, not in its supposed “innocent” nature.

But what about his claim of a British cover-up, and dire threats of attack on people trying to find and explore the wreck? Allen doesn’t discuss these issues, but I can find no evidence for either; in fact, the latter sounds like just more of Smith's paranoia regarding governments (the discoverer of Titanic, Dr. Robert Ballard, was able to explore the Lusitania's wreck without interference). Besides, if this was correct, it was weirdly ineffective. For one thing, in the early 1930’s the British gave permission for an American syndicate to try to salvage items from the wreck. For another, the wreck was actually owned by an insurance company, who sold it to a private citizen in 1967. He in turn photographed the wreck and recovered some items, and made a documentary that aired on The Discovery Channel in 2007. What’s interesting is that, many of these expeditions have found and recovered small arms munitions such as rifle cartridges, but found no evidence of in-place guns on the decks. Insane Troll Logic, anyone?

So once again we can only conclude that Smith’s description of an historical event is seriously wrong. We’ll see more of this in future posts, but it should come as no surprise. Smith is not interested in establishing the truth, only in promoting a political and economic ideology that has as its very basis a disdain for reality.

Weapons Tropes: Part 1

Weapons are the mainstay of Action Heroes and Badasses, and by weapons I don't just mean guns and swords, but anything that can be used to kick ass. Sometimes a punch to the face or a swift kick can be just as effective as a bullet or a knife.

This list includes ammunition troops, but not Combat Tropes; those will be discussed in another post. Also, this list is by no means exhaustive. Some tropes I haven't used yet, some I'm likely never to use, and others I may have used but have not yet recognized them. So, if you are curious as to what other tropes about weapons creators have used, please feel free to follow the link above.

By the way, as tempting as it is, I have refrained from giving Team Girl weapons like the one in the above image, though I will admit, something like that might be a natural for Sunny.

Weapon of Choice -- a character uses a weapon that reflects his or her personality or traits

***** Quite frankly, I hadn't thought of that when I assigned certain weapons to my characters, but in some ways it fits. For example, Differel is a swashbuckler at heart, so she is naturally drawn to swords, but by necessity she had to learn to be a street fighter, so she is also skilled with a combat dagger.

Good Weapon, Evil Weapon -- different types of melee weapons tend to be used by the good guys, others by the bad guys

***** As with Weapon of Choice, I hadn't really thought about this, so some of my choices of weapons for my characters may seem like subversions, while others will seem spot on. Then again, there seem to be a lot of exceptions in this trope.

An Axe to Grind -- using an axe in combat

***** The first of Medb's five favorite weapons is the Dane Axe, with a crescent-shaped, cleaver-like axehead with a very long handle. Medb prefers one that would stand nearly as tall as she does with a heavier than normal head, to give her both long reach and enhance striking force.

Archer Archetype -- a skilled bowman

***** Sunny; first in the Dreamlands, and later when traveling in time or to parallel earths. Though she trained with a composite bow, she later learned how to shoot a flatbow and a modern compound bow.

In the Dreamlands, Ulthar's resident geisha-samurai Tokoyo Yamamoto is a master with the daikyu composite bow.

Surprisingly, while Medb is cross-trained in a whole host of weapon types, she never learned archery. She prefers crossbows instead.

Annoying Arrows -- getting hit by arrows during combat is only a minor inconvenience

***** Subverted in the Dreamlands; as in Real Life, arrows can penetrate chainmail, even plate armor, with the right heads, and can kill as easily as any bullet, especially at close range.

Arrows on Fire -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; flaming arrows

***** A fairly common use for arrows is as incendiary projectiles to deliver fire against flammable targets.

Blade on a Stick -- a polearm

***** The second of Medb's five favorite weapons is the spear. She uses two types. Her main battle spear is patterned after the Greek dory: a seven-foot long wooden shaft, with a two-foot leaf-shaped steel blade and a one-foot steel spike attached to the butt-end. She uses it as a melee weapon, but she does more than just stab with it. She also uses it as a quarterstaff, she attacks with the spike as well as the blade, and she can swing it around her head so fast, taking advantage of its length, that the blade can travel at 100 mph. And if the shaft gets broken, she can use the two pieces as a spiked staff and a short-spear simultaneously. See "Barbarians R Us".

Javelin Thrower -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a fighter who throws javelins for a weapon

***** This is the second type of spear Medb uses: a three-foot wooden shaft with a one-foot spike-pointed triple-edged steel blade. She carries 4 to 6 in a harness attached to the back of her shield, and she uses them to take out from a distance the enemy combatants she perceives to be the most powerful. With her prodigious strength, she can hurl a javelin the same distance and with the same power as an archer shooting an arrow.

Naginatas Are Feminine -- a polearm is a more ladylike weapon

***** Kojoro the Fox Princess, one of Team Girl's friends, is trained in the use of this weapon, and is deadly-skilled with it.

Medb learned naginatajutsu during one of the times she visited Japan when she Walked the Earth, but mostly to improve her spear-fighting technique.

Blow Gun -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a tube used to shoot darts

***** In the forthcoming "The Toxic Celebutante", Eile and Sunny are chased by pygmy natives in the Dreamlands who shoot blow gun dart at them. Later, when trapped some 3 million years in the past, they create blow guns to help save on gun ammunition.

Carry a Big Stick -- clubs and maces

***** Some Fomorians use huge maces while in their horrific forms to HULK SMASH!! anything in their path.

Lawman Baton -- sticks used for fighting

***** Medb taught Team Girl singlestick and shillelagh fighting. Sir Differel's Master-at-Arms Giles Holt taught her stick fighting as part of his commando close-quarters-combat and bartitsu training. She in turn taught what she knew to Lady Margaret

Combat Hand Fan -- a hand fan designed to be used as a weapon

***** In the Dreamlands, Tokoyo carries a folding fan made of iron ribs and hard lacquered paper that, when closed, can be used as a club and, when open, used to distract and dismay an opponent.

Cool Gun -- those special guns given a prominent place in the story

***** Vlad Tepes Drakulya's guns, especially those custom built for his use. Differel's wheellock pistols in the Dreamlands. Otherwise, all my characters have favorite guns that get mentioned in my stories when they use them.

Family-Friendly Firearms -- unrealistic firearms or firearms use, meant to soften or eliminate gun violence in a story

***** Totally averted in my stories, though ignored might be a better description. Without descending into Gorn, I generally try to depict guns as being lethal, even going as far as to describe their effects.

Gatling Good -- gatling guns

***** Despite how cool it might look, I refuse to give Vlad a portable gatling gun. He's not the Schwarzenator; besides, he doesn't need one, because he could wreck far more havoc without it.

However, the Caerleon Order uses GAU-2/A Miniguns to defend its installations and as point-defense weapons on its airship, as well as in one of its four models of sentry guns.

Good Guns, Bad Guns -- guns that tend to be used exclusively by heroes and villains

***** Again, I hadn't really thought about this, so sometimes I subvert it and sometimes I play it straight, but always inadvertently.

One good example, however, is that Marseilles Sheraton, evil genius and nemesis of Team Girl, uses a sawed-off riot-version Ithaca Model 37 pump-action shotgun, which is usually portrayed as an evil weapon (except when Zombies are around). However, machine pistols are considered evil as well, but one of Differel's favorite guns is the Beretta Model 93R, for its semi-automatic 3-round burst setting (though it was Aunt Mandy's favorite weapon as well). See "Feline Savior", "Man Friday", and "Oak Do Hate".

Grenade Launcher -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a weapon that shoots grenades

***** The Caerleon Order uses three types of launchers for its 40mm grenades: an underslung model for mounting on rifles, a shoulder-fired model for independent use, and an automatic model.

Handguns -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; pistols

***** These are the primary weapons my characters use, unless they anticipate greater opposition. Differel always carries a pistol on her person ("The Beast of Exmoor"), and prefers her wheellock pistols even over Caliburn in the Dreamlands ("Dribble & Maggot in the Land of Dreams"). Team Girl generally carry pistols for protection when investigating parallel earths ("The Double Image"). Even Medb prefers to use pistols over other types of guns (except shotguns) when she has no choice but to use a firearm.

Hand Cannon -- an exceptionally large handgun

***** Most of Vlad's guns match this description, especially the custom-made models: the 12-gauge Lupara and Caerleon Order LC243 sawed-off shotgun, the .45 Mars Automatic and Caerleon Order LC354 submachine pistol, the .455 Webley Scott M1912 Automatic and Browning M1911, the .303 Caerleon Order LC465 machine pistol, the .44 Smith & Wesson Model 29, the .700 Maskeulin Nitro Express, the 20mm (.79) Caerleon Order LC576 anti-material pistol, and the .550 (28-gauge) Taurus Raging Judge.

Then too, in the Dreamlands, Differel's wheellock pistols have a caliber of .56, and fire a heavy, low-velocity ball.

Subverted with most other characters. Differel and the Caerleon Order use 9mm or 5.7mm pistols, while Team Girl uses the .380 Walther PK380. The only character who doesn't use a small caliber pistol is Lt. Gen. Morgan Leia Ross; she uses a .45 M15 General Officers pistol.

Pillow Pistol -- a pistol hidden under a pillow

***** In "A Little Hospitality", Differel sleeps with a wheellock pistol under her pillow when in the Dreamlands.

Punch Packing Pistol -- an unrealistically powerful and efficient pistol

***** Vlad's LC576 20mm anti-material pistols, Maskeulin .700 Nitro Express sporting pistols, and Taurus Raging Judge .550 sporting pistols.

Sniper Pistol -- a pistol that has the same range, accuracy, and power as a sniper rifle

***** Any pistol in Vlad's hands, due to his Vampiric and Dark Arts powers, but he achieves his best results with his FN Five-seven 5.7mm service pistols. In his hands they have an effective range of 3000 ft, and he can shoot the central symbol out of an ace card.

Mix-and-Match Weapon -- a combination of two or more weapons in one

***** The Caerleon Order uses the British Army L85A2 5.56mm assault rifle, which can take the British Army L17A2 40mm grenade launcher.

However, Dr. Mabuse has developed an experimental assault riffle that combines a 5.56 automatic rifle with a 12-gauge shotgun and a 40mm grenade launcher, with internal and external magazines.

Bayonet Ya -- placing a blade on the end of a gun for when you run out of ammo

***** The Caerleon Order issues a bayonet to all troops for use with their assault weapons.

Rare Guns -- guns that show up in stories in far larger numbers than they ever did in Real Life

***** Downplayed; just about every weapon I describe is a standard military or civilian weapon that is fairly common, except Vlad's Mars .45 Automatic service pistols. Only about 80 were made in Real Life, but Vlad used it for 11 years, and blew through about 20 a year, so that the Caerleon Order alone purchased some 250 before replacing it.

Sawed Off Shotgun -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a shotgun with the front part of the barrel sawed off to make it shorter and easier to conceal

***** Marseilles Sheraton's Ithaca Model 37 shotgun; Vlad's Lupara and Caerleon Order LC243 shotgun pistols. Also, many of the Human criminals Team Girl comes up against use sawed-off shotguns.

Sentry Gun -- an automated fully automatic weapon that selects and shoots at targets by itself

***** The Caerleon Order developed and uses four different designs, from 5.7mm to 20mm ammunition.

Sniper Rifle -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a rifle designed to strike single targets at great distances

***** The Caerleon Order used the .338 British Army L115A3 and the .50 British Army L82A1. Also, Annis Nin, one of Team Girl's friends, and Sunny's mother, Oda Jaeger, are crack shots with sniper rifles, having been assassins.

Wall of Weapons -- an armory that displays an enormous range of firepower

***** The Caerleon Order maintains an armory in the compound of the paramilitary troops on Differel's ancestral estate, as well as at the main stations of Bethmoira Castle, Connarath Castle, Camdel Castle, Scapa Flow in the Orkney Islands, and Tyrone Mansion in Northern Ireland. The security forces that guard Differel's manor house maintain an arsenal in the basement. Differel keeps a personal stash of weapons in the room safe off her office, as well as at her Loch Moria safehouse and her various private residences, such as the townhome in Downham Market. Medb keeps arsenals in each of her safehouses, including the home of Team Girl in Denver.

Ammunition Backpack -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; a backpack that contains mucho ammunition for the weapon being used

***** In "Survival & Sacrifice", Master-at-Arms Giles Holt fires a heavy machine gun being fed by a belt from a backpack.

Bottomless Magazines -- a magazine that seems to contain an unlimited number of bullets, so that a weapon doesn't need reloading

***** Averted; in my stories I keep careful track of how much ammunition each character has and uses, so that when they run out they have to reload. See "Survival & Sacrifice".

Bullets Do Not Work That Way -- bullets are described as doing things that violates the laws of physics

***** Again averted; as much as possible I try to depict bullets performing realistic actions. However, I also don't waste words on describing the resulting collateral damage of rounds that missed or passed through the target, if doing so would not advance the plot.

To some extent played straight in "Youthful Indiscretion" when in the climactic scene everyone shoots at the Cenobites with no effect or collateral damage, but this could be justified in that the Cenobites could have made the bullets disappear using their inherent psychic powers.

Blown Across the Room -- getting hit by a bullet tosses you into the air and backwards many feet

***** Generally I try to avert this trope, but I both averted it and played it straight in "Survival & Sacrifice". In Eile and Sunny's first firefight with the monsters, Sunny's pistol just drops them where they stand, though they slide forward a bit because of their running momentum. Eile's assault rifle, however, "threw ... the creatures back". However, my thought was that they dropped backwards rather than forwards; I didn't mean to imply they flew across the room. I need to be more explicit in future.

Only a Flesh Wound -- getting hit by bullets during combat is only a minor inconvenience

***** As with Annoying Arrows I try to avert this as much as possible. One can get hit in a way that is debilitating but not fatal or critical, but one can also die from a shoulder wound if a major artery is severed.

Universal Ammunition -- any cartridge can work in any gun

***** Averted and lampshaded in "Man Friday", when Differel finds out that the ammunition for Vlad's machine pistols is no longer made, and it may not be possible to convert them to use standard NATO ammunition. Subverted in a future story, when Vlad's pistols have been converted to use modern ammunition, but they jam more frequently as a result.

Recursive Ammo -- ammunition that shoots its own ammunition before it hits the target

***** The Caerleon Order has access to Royal Navy RBL755 cluster bombs. Though their use is banned by international treaty, an exception was made for their use against hordes of monsters. They even work well against Zombies.

Silver Bullets -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; bullets made of solid silver or jacketed in silver

***** The Caerleon Order doesn't use silver bullets. They're too expensive, have poor performance compared to lead bullets, and are useless: no monster is vulnerable to silver. At best, silver can be used for jacketing, but copper is less expensive and easier to work with. Any monster that can be killed by a silver-jacketed round can also be killed by a copper-jacketed round. Or, more correctly, if a monster can be killed with a bullet, any bullet will work, and for those invulnerable to bullets, no bullet will work.

There are some creatures in the Dreamlands that are vulnerable to silver, and with the smoothbore firearms available, a silver bullet is no more inaccurate than a lead bullet. In fact, a silver arrowhead or sling ball would be more effective.

Next week will be part 2 of Weapons Tropes.

Dreamlands Bestiary: The Gnorri

The Gnorri are an undersea race of beings that resemble mermen, except where a tail should be they have a long tentacle, with suckers. Their faces are bearded, which extends upward to cover the tops of their heads like human hair, except it resembles a kind of broad-leafed seaweed rather than hair. They have a large dorsal fin that starts at the nape of the neck and runs down the back and along the length of the tentacle. They also have fins under their armpits and webbing between their fingers. Their torsos are scaled, though the scales are quite small, but the tentacles are naked like the arms of an octopus. Their faces are remarkably human-like, including noses and pointed ears, but their eyes are particularly large and bulging, and without pupils. From a distance, they look as if they are wearing goggles. They possess anywhere from two to four arms coming off the shoulders. If a Gnor has three arms, they are arranged asymmetrically, as in the above image.

No female Gnorri have ever been seen, or rather, no Gnor with breasts have ever been seen. As such, they are assumed to be all male. How they reproduce is a mystery, since no infant or child Gnor has been seen either, and their genitalia, if any, have never been identified. If the Mermaids know the secret, they won't speak of it. Nonetheless, they live in social groups of various sizes, numbering at least a dozen. Groups smaller than that are rare, and the only solitary Gnor ever encountered are gravely ill, injured, dying, or dead. They live in labyrinthine coral palaces located in reasonably shallow water. They are mostly sedentary, relocating only when forced to do so. The most well-known colony lies at the base of the glass cliff atop which is perched the city of Ilek-Vad, but there is also the ruins of a much larger but abandoned city lying east of Sarkomand in the Bight of Benna.

Despite having no tails and caudal fins, they are not handicapped in their movements. Their tentacles can propel them through the water quite rapidly using spiral undulations, and they can be used to pull the Gnorri along the bottom in the same way an octopus uses its arms. They can also be used as extra limbs to hold, carry, or manipulate large objects, and they can be used as weapons.

Gnorri have human-level intelligence, but they keep to themselves, and while peaceful and tolerant, they discourage visitors, so little is known of their culture. No one even knows what they eat, whether they are carnivores, herbivores, or omnivores (though the last is more likely), and they have not been observed to hunt or farm. They are assumed to have a language, and they have been seen carrying weapons: tridents, harpoons, and knives, with buckler shields for defense. However, few other signs of any kind of technology or craftwork have been seen, the most prominent being their architecture. They do not engage in trade, and while friendly with Mermaids and Dolphins, they nonetheless interact with them as little as possible (though they are known to sometimes cooperate with Mermaids). They avoid land dwellers as much as possible, including Cats and especially Humans. Yet there are tales of a few Humans winning their trust and being able to live with them. If such people really exist, no one has claimed to be one.

Synopsis: Feathered Companion (a Sir Differel Dreamlands adventure)

Prologue

Upon her return from the Dreamlands, Differel had been given by Medb a decorative torc that, if worn while asleep, would allow her to find the Seventy Steps to Light Slumber and the Cavern of Flame. After a couple of days thinking and deliberating, she gives orders to Aelfraed not to awaken her except in the most dire emergency, then slips on the torc and goes to bed.

Week 1

At some point, she awakens, gets up, and wanders through the house and out into the garden in back; no guard or servant acknowledges her presence. One of the paths leads to a set of stairs and she descends them into the earth. When she emerges into the cavern, she is welcomed by the priests. She dresses in travel clothes and takes two wheellock pistols in addition to Caliburn and the George Cross. Though a pair of glasses wait for her, she realizes she doesn't need them here, but she takes them anyways. She descends the Seven Hundred Steps to Deeper Slumber and emerges into the Enchanted Woods. She makes it through and travels to Nir and then Ulthar, taking her time to familiarize herself with the landscape.

In Ulthar she goes to the Girls' house, but the Fear Dearg tells her they are not in. She realizes it's mid-afternoon in Denver and the Girls are not asleep yet. The Fear Dearg invites her to spend the night, but she politely refuses. Shadow-stalker greets her and gives her a message from the queen: as part of their patronage they have arranged a stipend payable through Seidhlóch and a room at the Hostel of the Laughing Cat. They also wish her to escort an envoy to Celephaïs. She arranges to meet it at the north gate at dawn. She withdraws some spending money from Seidhlóch, plus has him issue a letter of credit for her bank in Celephaïs. She then goes shopping for traveling equipment and supplies. She stops off at Oleg Bjornsen's to purchase more paper cartridges, and she learns from him that he has been able to replicate the design of her pistol. However, he has only been able to construct two of them. She purchases one, the other he gives to her for free, to replace the one she gave him almost a year ago. After a late supper at the hostel, she retires for the evening.

At dawn, she meets the cat envoy and they set off for Hlanith. She intends to make it a two-day trip, and the cat concurs. They stop at Mozam for tea, then press on, stopping to camp halfway to Broidh. The cat explains that he knew her in a previous life: he was the kitten she saved from drowning when she was five, whom she named Mr. Mistoffelees. He assures her no watch will be necessary, as he will sleep lightly. During the night, however, Cailleach Beara visits her, welcoming her to the Dreamlands. She tells her that many bold adventures await, many harrowing challenges, but if she remains true to her chivalric ideals, she will come through them all until she meets her final fate.

In the morning they set off again, stopping in Broidh for brunch. As they come out of the mountains, they stop to rest and have a snack, when they are beset upon by robbers. Though outnumbered three to one, they drive them off, but not before they discover the bandits meant to kidnap them. The cat explains that her bearing and sword may have marked her as a noble despite her clothes, and as a cat he would be worth a considerable ransom. When she expresses wonder at this, he explains that not everyone believes or takes seriously the stories of feline justice, and the queen and council have decided that as long as no cat is harmed, they will pay a reasonable ransom for its safe return. Besides, a cat should be difficult to catch.

They arrive in Hlanith in early evening. The envoy informs her the cats maintain a room at the Inn of the Broken Spar, though they don't really have a need for it, so she is welcome to use it if she wishes. She makes arrangements for passage to Celephaïs in the morning, then spends a few hours at the Tavern of the Amethyst Scorpion, talking to Tyco Brahzie about the attack. He dismisses it as an amateur ploy, but promises to look into it. She then goes back to the inn to sleep.

The next morning, Differel and the cat board a galley and cross the Cerenarian Strait. They arrive in Celephaïs by mid-afternoon. The cat accompanies her to her estate and she sends word to Kuranes's court of its safe arrival. Her servants are overjoyed to see her return. After cleaning up and dressing in her formal livery, she presents herself and the cat to Kuranes. Her duty complete, she hurries to Victor's mansion, only to discover that he is on a diplomatic mission and will not return for several weeks. The embassy will try to get a message to him, but they cannot promise anything. Differel then looks up Medb, but finds that she is out adventuring. However, Kuranes invites her to dine with him and she is reacquainted with Saighlíne, Ubasti, and Ssas'sashu'ra. Saighlíne reports she is about to depart on a mission herself, and offers to let Differel come along, but she decides instead to stay and get to know the city better.

That night she is awakened by a crash. Looking out her balcony, she sees an object in her garden. She goes down to see what it is and discovers a giant bird of prey. It's injured and her majordomo recommends putting it out of its misery. As she examines its face, it focuses on her and for a moment she feels a sharp pain between her ears. It vanishes immediately, but she is filled with a determination to help it. The majordomo recommends getting the aid of the battle rokh master and Differel has him sent for. Meanwhile she orders lanterns and an awning be set up. The bird won't let anyone approach it except Differel, but if she holds its head in her lap, it calms enough for others to approach. When the master arrives, he determines that it has no broken bones, but it has numerous lacerations about the chest and belly, and its legs and talons appeared to be injured. He speculates that it was injured in a battle. With the help of the staff he begins to nurse it, but he is not optimistic about its chances. Differel sits up with it all night as it sleeps.

In the morning it appears stronger, and it rolls itself onto its stomach. It is also calmer, allowing people other than Differel to come near it, though it eyes them suspiciously. The rokh master returns and examines it, professing astonishment at how well it's doing, but cautions it may be days before it can fly again, and weeks before it has completely recovered. It does appear hungry, however, and Differel arranges for cattle to be bought to feed it. Kuranes stops by on a visit, and identifies it as a Wakiya, also known as a Thunderbird. They normally live in the extreme west, as the apex predator of a huge expanse of grasslands. Though the extremely rare individual is seen over the Six Kingdoms, he has never heard of one coming this far east before. They are capable of storing static electricity in their feathers, generated as they fly or dive. The drier the air and/or the faster they fly/dive, the greater the charge they build up, and they can release it in the form of lightning. They have been known to form empathic bonds with people, and to let those people ride them as steeds. Differel realizes that was what happened to her; she felt the bird's will to survive, and it used her own willful stubbornness to gain the strength needed to survive its ordeal.

Week 2

Over the next week, the Wakiya gets stronger. Differel has it moved up to the roof, but while it walks around, it shows no interest in flying. The rokh master tells her it should be strong enough to fly and it needs the exercise. After a number of attempts to get it to fly, Differel finally goads it by threatening it. Though it snaps at her, it also retreats and falls off the roof. It instinctively opens its wings and flies low over the estate and off over the city. Differel is sad to see it leave, but figures it needs to be free and wants to return home. That evening, however, her guards report that it returns. She feeds it and it settles in for the night.

Weeks 3, 4

Over the next two weeks, the Wakiya makes daily flights, going farther and staying away longer each day. Differel follows it on a zebra, but after a few days it outpaces her. Differel keeps expecting it to disappear one day, but each day it always returns by dusk at the latest. However, people living around Celephaïs accuse it of stealing livestock: every morning, a farm animal is found missing. Differel knows it can't be her Wakiya because it always returns ravenous. However, she pays restitution because she cannot prove it. Even so, complaints mount, and Kuranes sends her word that unless she can control it or prove it isn't responsible, he will have to order her to send it away or destroy it.

Week 5

One day the following week, Differel is riding back to Celephaïs after losing the Wakiya, when she is assaulted by bandits. She defends herself well, but there are too many of them. Then she hears a scream and sees the Wakiya diving. It seems to glow with St. Elmo's Fires, and its eyes flash. As it levels out, it discharges an electrical blast. The bandits are stunned and Differel is knocked from her zebra. The Wakiya wheels around and grabs her in its talons, then climbs into the sky. When it gets high enough, it barrel rolls and tosses her in the air. As she falls, she lands on its back. She hangs on for dear life, but then realizes that it is flying steady and level. She crawls up to its shoulders and kneels behind its neck. It flies around for a few hours, then returns to Celephaïs. When it lands and she dismounts, it makes its way to its eyrie. Differel realizes that it wants to be her steed.

The next day when she comes out to take a ride, she sees the Wakiya hasn't flown off yet. Concerned, she goes up to see it. It walks out of it's eyrie and hunkers down, as if inviting her to ride. She climbs up on its back, and as soon as she is settled, it takes off. It gains altitude, then soars over the landscape. She realizes why it flies every day: not just for exercise, but because it's cooler than on the ground. In fact, she feels chilled. She understands that if she's going to ride it, she needs the proper equipment.

The next day she consults with rokh master on the construction of a proper eyrie, then talks with her staff about having them make proper riding clothing. For now, she uses a fur cloak. It makes the ride more tolerable, but she realizes she still needs head- and eyewear. Nonetheless she rides the Wakiya for a few hours each day.

Week 6

The following week the complaints have gotten worse, and now a herder has disappeared; that cannot be handled by restitution. Kuranes feels he must act and he tells Differel to send the bird away. Though she is convinced it isn't at fault, she complies, having no choice. It senses her sadness, and when it takes off, it doesn't head east over Ooth-Nargai, but west over the Cerenarian Strait, as if it knows this is farewell. About halfway across, however, they are attacked by a large reptilian creature. The Wakiya is terrified of it, and at first its panic threatens to overwhelm Differel, but she forces herself to calm down, and the bird senses her calm and its own fear subsides. They turn back for Celephaïs with the creature in pursuit. It is faster than they are, but maneuvers like a flying rock. Differel takes advantage of that to attack with Caliburn, but the creature's hide is too strong and she nearly breaks her hand. At one point she does manage to shoot out an eye, giving them a chance to get back to the city. Differel reports to Kuranes, who identifies the creature as an Uncegila, but then the alarm is sounded: the creature is flying over the city. Kuranes orders the battle rokhs released and they chase it off, but it is too fast for them to catch.

Kuranes is now willing to give Differel the benefit of the doubt concerning the Wakiya, but his council states that even if the monster caused the deaths, the Wakiya is still the reason since it's after the bird. They still want it sent away or destroyed. Differel, however, refuses, and vows that she will hunt the monster down and destroy it.

Back at her mansion, Differel is told by her physician that her right hand is sprained and needs to be immobilized, but it should be fine in a few days. Her staff then show her the flight suit they created for her, made of leather with a woolen overcoat, a cowl, and goggles with glass lenses. They also show her a saddle and harness made to fit the Wakiya, with a counterweighted seat that can tilt as the bird changes pitch. She is impressed with the design and is introduced to the artificer, a journeyman who is a former Dreamer and a Waking World engineer from Victorian England. She hires him and has him fit the saddle to the Wakiya. She gives it a little time to get used to the feel of it, then she takes a test flight. She notes a few bugs and possible improvements, but for the most part it works as promised. As they soar over the land, Differel considers how to fight the Uncegila. As she and the Wakiya maneuver, she realizes they can use their superior maneuverability to fly rings around it and lure it into a trap. When they return to the mansion, she spends the rest of the day pouring over maps of Ooth-Nargai and the Tanarian Hills.

The next morning she and the Wakiya leave at dawn. The rokhs escort them to the perimeter of the city, then they are on their own. She plots a leisurely course towards the Tanarian Hills, swinging back and forth across her path, but for a couple of hours nothing happens. As the Hills come into view, however, with the snow-capped peak of Mt. Aran rising out of their midst, the Wakiya gets nervous. The Uncegila dives on them and they just manage to roll out of the way, losing a few tail feathers. The race is then on, as they speed toward the Hills while trying avoid the charging Uncegila. As they get closer, Differel spies the canyon and directs the Wakiya towards it. Before they enter, they maneuver around the Uncegila and Differel shoots out its other eye. Though blinded, it can still sense them and it follows them into the canyon. They hurtle up its length, scant yards above the river, dodging around and through rock pinnacles and arches, as the Uncegila crashes into and through them as it blunders along. Its unable to catch them because it cannot maneuver fast enough, but it doesn't seem seriously injured by its accidents. Finally they reach the head of the canyon, a steep escarpment with a waterfall. They fly straight at it, then roll away and dive at the last moment. The Uncegila crashes into it and falls into the river. The Wakiya manages to pull out of its stall and right itself. They follow the Uncegila as it is swept downstream, but the river isn't deep enough to drown it. They get ahead of it, and as it passes under them, the Wakiya blasts it with a thunderbolt. The water magnifies the force of the discharge and the Uncegila is electrocuted and burned. It sinks beneath the river and finally drowns. Differel follows it out of the canyon, and when it grounds on a rock, she lands and extracts a tooth as proof.

When she returns and presents the tooth to Kuranes, he exonerates her and the Wakiya. He gives her dispensation to keep it, and he sends a cloud barge to collect the carcass. Differel is hailed as a hero. Back at the mansion, she is prepared to let Wakiya go, but it elects to remain. She then gives it a name after the rokh master confirms it is a female: Eleanor d'Aquitaine.

Weeks 7, 8

Over the next two weeks, Differel and Eleanor take daily flights, strengthening themselves, getting used to working together, and practicing maneuvers. One of the things she learns is that she can hover like a kestrel for short periods of time, and when she does her wing beats sound like thunder. Towards the middle of the second week, the cat envoy approaches her, and asks her to ferry him to Hazuth-Kleg, so that he can confer with Elatha. As a Protector of Hazuth-Kleg, she should be reasonably safe, and she can help negotiate. He explains that for too long the Fomorians have been marginalized, and the Cat Queen, Kuranes, and the Queen of Punica believe that policy contributed to Aunt Mandy's attempted take-over of the Dreamlands. As such, they have decided to assimilate the Fomorians into Dreamland society. He is going to make the overture and if accepted negotiate the first treaty. As the heir presumptive of Ooth-Nargai, her presence would lend weight to the proposal, and she can negotiate for Kuranes. They agree to leave in the morning.

Differel confers with Kuranes, and discovers that as long as she is prudent, she can negotiate whatever treaty seems best to her. She's not sure she wants that responsibility, but Kuranes tells her he would rather have her straight-forward manner and common sense than anyone else's political and negotiating skill.

That evening she receives a message from Tyco Brahzie. He reports that he has learned that the bandits were not simple highwaymen, but were working for a third party determined not to allow the cat envoy to fulfill some secret mission. He has not been able to identify the party as of yet, but he has traced them to Hazuth-Kleg. She decides to keep what she knows a secret for the time being.

At dawn she leaves with the cat envoy and arrives at mid-morning at Elatha's green-glass tower in the midst of the bay. They are not expected, but when the guards learn who she is, Bres is sent for and he takes them to Elatha. He is willing to hear what the cat has to say, and invites them to stay as his guests. When Differel insists, he gives his word that he and his people will make no treachery. He gives Eleanor space in his dragon stables and promises she will be well looked after. That night he feasts them and then gives them a room.

During the night, Bres attempts to rape Differel. He trusted to his strength to subdue her, but her skill with hand-to-hand combat allows her to throw him off, and then she summons Caliburn. Elatha comes and has his son taken away. He apologizes for the attack, but Differel wrings concessions out of him for breaking his oath. Specifically she asks about the attempted kidnapping. He denies knowing anything about it, but promises to look into it.

The next morning the cat makes its offer. Elatha is willing in principle to establishing normal relationships, and they get down to negotiating. Elatha begins by making demands that are unacceptable, but Differel forces him to retreat to a more reasonable position. After that, things go quickly. Neither side is ready to concede too much, yet both sides are sincere in their desire to end the cold war. Finally they agree on a basic treaty with three provisions: recognition of Hazuth-Kleg as a power equal to the cats, Ooth-Nargai, and Punica; non-aggression; and an exchange of envoys. Ultimately, Elatha hopes for making Hazuth-Kleg independent of Kuranes's jurisdiction. Differel assures him that provided he makes further concessions, that can be possible.

Elatha hosts another feast in celebration, but during it, the tower is attacked by nightgaunts. They are unimpressed when Differel shows them the ankh, and the delay allows them to kidnap the cat, their target. Differel pursues them with Eleanor deep into Ooth-Nargai, to a stone tower in the Manar Woods. Nightgaunts capture her and chase off Eleanor. She and the cat are confronted by a renegade Fomorian. It had been Mandy's strongest ally, and even after her eventual betrayal was revealed, he refused to help the coalition, believing he could serve as one of her vassals. He is against rapprochement with their enemies, and believes their deaths will spark a war that will allow the Fomorians to conquer the Dreamlands. As they are about to be taken away, the tower is attacked. Differel summons Caliburn and she and the cat fight their way to the roof. There she sees Fomorians riding dragons with Eleanor. Her electrical charge disrupts the nightgaunts' mystical senses and allows the Fomorian warriors to get through. She engages the renegade Fomorian in single combat and beats him, but when he tries to stab her in the back, Bres kills him.

Back at Hazuth-Kleg, Elatha explains that he had suspected the kidnapping attempt had been orchestrated by renegades, but he had no way of identifying them, so he decided to smoke them out. He is disappointed they only got one, but it had been the most powerful, so perhaps now the others will fall in line. He also candidly tells her that he will not give up his people's desire to rule the Dreamworld, or suspend any ongoing intrigues that might accomplish that. Differel is neither surprised nor upset by his revelation, saying that she expected it; her only concern was to end the cold war and bring peace to both sides. However, she tells him that intrigues work best in a climate of peace and cooperation, though this does present the danger that he may decide cooperation is better than intrigue. He further informs her that he has appointed Bres to be his envoy to Celephaïs, and he asks that she keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't get into trouble. However, he also warns her that he has taken a fancy to her, and that Fomorian custom demands spousal kidnapping, nor is her marriage a deterrent, though she is permitted to defend herself, and he can only claim her if he subdues her. Differel surprises him by smiling and saying he is welcome to try.

The next day, she and the cat escort Bres back to Celephaïs. When they arrive, she discovers the Girls have appeared. She puts Bres up in her mansion until she can present him to Kuranes the next day. She invites the Girls to have tea with them, during which she asks him why he saved her life. He explains that Elatha wants her alive for now, and he had ordered him to make some kind of restitution for his assault. She tells him he has the run of the mansion and may command her servants to perform whatever service he needs, within reason, but if he ever attacks her again, she'll take his head off. After tea, she introduces the Girls to Eleanor, and gives them a ride. They stay for dinner, then afterwards Differel has Bres shown to his room. The majordomo informs her that Bres had asked for a bedmate. Differel is on the verge of refusing when she remembers that a number of the serving girls seemed taken with him. She states that if any of the servants are willing, she may go to him for a bonus, but only if she is willing; there is to be no coercion, not even of a very mild sort. The majordomo agrees and goes off to handle it.

Differel goes out to walk in her garden, and is greeted by the cat envoy, who thanks her for coming to its rescue. She accepts it, but admonishes him for not telling her sooner. He asks if that is the way human diplomats work, and she admits it isn't.

Week 9

Differel continues her practice flights with Eleanor, but she seems to sense that this will be her last few days for that night. She worries about what will happen when she awakens: will the empathic link be broken and Eleanor return to her home far to the west, or will she pine away and die for the loss of her rider, no matter how temporary. Differel finally decides to let her go, and begins to wean her away, by not riding her and even ignoring her. She can feel Eleanor's confusion, but she hardens her heart and tries to feel rejection, to make the Wakiya go away. Then on the morning that Differel feels is her last day, she finds Eleanor gone.

That morning, she is called to the palace. She finds the Girls and Saighlíne there, with Crèmedevoyager. He is wounded but awake. He states that Victor and Medb, with their cat companions, are under attack by a band of Inutos, at a high promontory overlooking the Bay of Calasheen in the northwest of the Cerenarian Sea. They will be overwhelmed without help; already their backs are to the sea. Unfortunately, even the fastest cloud barge couldn't reach them before evening. Differel realizes she and Eleanor could be there in an hour. Then she get a strange feeling. Running to the balcony, she looks out and sees the Wakiya circling around outside the palace. She directs it to the mansion, then offers the Girls and Saighlíne a lift.

It takes her and her staff 15 minutes to get ready, by which time Saighlíne and the Girls arrive. Sunny climbs on behind her and Eleanor hovers long enough for Eile and Saighlíne to climb onto her talons. She then heads off northwest over the Cerenarian Sea. Eleanor rises until she encounters an air current moving in the same direction and uses it to fly faster. By Differel's reckoning they arrive in thirty minutes. As they descend, she sees Victor and Medb atop a jumble of boulders right on the edge of a cliff, confronting a dozen diminutive humanoid creatures dressed in furs like Eskimos, with three dozen more arrayed around them, interspersed by two dozen bodies. Another dozen try to subdue the hippogriff with ropes. Seven cats fight with Medb and Victor, as the bodies of a dozen more litter the rocks and ground. Eleanor glides over the top of the Inutos, screaming, then brakes and hovers behind them as Eile and Saighlíne jump off and attack. Eleanor then climbs and banks around, heading back to the rocks. As Sunny shoots arrows at those attacking Medb and Victor, Eleanor banks left and rolls 90 degrees. As she sweeps past, Differel decapitates two Inuto with Caliburn. Three cats jump up and cling to the harness as Eleanor swings around behind the rocks, then Differel directs her towards the hippogriff. She shoots one Inuto as Sunny shoots another, and Eleanor grabs two in her talons as the cats jump down and attack three others. Eleanor climbs and drops her victims as the hippogriff attacks and mauls two more; the remaining three run off. Eleanor swings around and drops Sunny off at the hippogriff, and she mounts it and it takes off. As if flies around, Sunny shots arrows into the mass of attackers.

With Sunny gone, Differel and Eleanor can take advantage of their practice. Eleanor maneuvers to give Differel the ability to use Caliburn to the fullest extent, including flying upside down over the heads of the Inutos. In another maneuver, Eleanor grabs six Inutos and flings them into the mass. Finally Differel directs her to blast them with a lightning discharge. The Inutos give up and flee. As Eile and Sunny check the cats to look for wounded, Differel lands. Victor is surprised to see her, but is also ecstatic, and they rush into each other's arms. At the same moment, cats start raining from the sky as a century arrives to provide help. A squad is left behind to care for the wounded the Girls have found while the rest pursue the Inutos.

They fly the wounded cats to Ulthar, with Victor carrying Saighlíne and the Girls, and Differel carrying Medb. They decide to stay the night since it is too late in the day to try to return the Celephaïs; Differel could awaken at any moment. The Girls promise to look after Eleanor while she's away, and Medb will fly her back in the morning. The Girls host a celebration at their place and they tell Differel she can sleep over at their house whenever she's in town. Afterwards, Differel says goodbye to Eleanor, and while she knows the Wakiya can't understand her words, it seems reassured by her conviction that she will return. She and Victor take a room at the Hostel of the Laughing Cat and make love. Afterwards, Differel lies awake with Victor beside her asleep. She had come to the Dreamlands this once to see what it was like to be a regular Dreamer rather than as an outsider trying to escape or on a mission. She decides she likes it, though Victor's presence is definitely an inducement. Though she cannot be sure how long she can keep doing it, she decides to try to return every night. Soon afterwards she drifts off to sleep.

Epilogue

Differel awakens in her bedroom in her ancestral manor, and finds Dracula sitting on the end of her bed. When she asks what he's doing there, he asks her if she succeeded. She confirms she did, and when he asks if she'll return, she confirms she will. He encourages her to do so, and when she asks why, he states because it gets her out of his hair for nine hours of each day. That prompts Differel to throw a heavy crystal ashtray at him as he vanishes, leering a mocking grin.

Synopsis: Cabin of the Dead (a Team Girl adventure)

Eight women are marching through the woods on the downslope of a valley. Eile and Sunny are in the lead, followed by Mabuse, Sir Differel, Gen. Morgan Leia Ross, Shasta Taffaday, Annis Nin, and Dolores Cadera-Hueso bringing up the rear. They emerge from the woods onto a rock promontory overlooking the valley and pause for a rest. The forest continues downslope and covers most of the floor, but at one focus of the oval valley lies a lake, and part of a cabin is just visible on its shore. As they rest, it's obvious from their conversion they're not thrilled at being thrown together like this. Each had the impression they would be camping with the girls alone. They don't hate each other; most don't even know each other or have met only once. However, they are uncomfortable being around so many people they barely know or trust. The problem is compounded when each reveals that she is armed with some kind of firearm and blade, even Mabuse (though hers is far more technically sophisticated). Eile justifies her and Sunny's actions by saying they invited each along because she was their friend, not because they were friends together. She then maintains that being adults, they should be able to treat each other civilly. It doesn't placate them, but they agreed to go through with this so they promise to behave themselves. As they start on down, Sunny quietly confides in Eile that she wasn't sure it was a good idea to try to get such strong-willed, combative, and heavily-armed women to get along. Eile replies it's worth the risk, considering they'll be running into each during their adventures, and she doesn't want to get caught in the crossfire.

They arrive at the cabin by late afternoon. Tensions momentarily flare when they discover there are only four guest bedrooms (though two beds apiece), so some of them will have to double up, but when the girls volunteer to split themselves to help ease tempers, the women sort themselves out on their own. After they unpack, Sunny prepares supper as Eile tries to make the women more comfortable, but the conversation is strained throughout the meal. Afterwards, they build a campfire and roast s'mores while drinking warm spiced hard cider. Sunny encourages them to tell ghost stories as it gets darker, but that flops as each tells an event from her life, which the others recognize as being real and are mostly disapproving of. Then Eile gets her guitar, and she gets them to have a sing along which has more success, as they seem to know and enjoy the same campfire songs. It isn't long before they are joking and laughing together. They are in good spirits when they finally retire, and as Sunny and Eile extinguish the fire, they feel good about the prospects for their adventure.

Col Torain Thegn is on a military cargo aircraft, as part of an operation to test a new biological weapon. He discusses the particulars with a government agent. Finally, the navigator reports they are over the drop zone. Thegn orders the weapon deployed.

Eile awakens to go to the bathroom, and on her return she notices the front door is open. When she ventures out, she finds Ross standing outside, wrapped in a blanket, looking up at the sky. When Eile asks if she's having trouble sleeping, Ross jokes about too much cider and too many s'mores, but states that she thought she heard something. Eile listens, and hears a low, soft drone. Ross states it sounds like the engines of a C-130 Hercules, a military cargo plane. She wonders if a military unit is conducting maneuvers in the area, but shrugs it off and follows Eile back inside. Moments later, dozens of parachutes descend from the sky as they dumb their packages into the lake and the surrounding woods.

The next morning, Eile gets up early and starts coffee. Ross and Annis go jogging. Mabuse goes with Sunny down to the lake, but while Sunny swims, Mabuse explores the shore, collecting algae and other samples. Differel and Shasta fence, while Dolores gets in some target practice. Eile takes a mug of coffee out to the end of the pier to wait for Sunny. When she comes back in, Eile is chagrinned to see she's naked. As she chastises her, something grabs Sunny's foot under the water and pulls her under. Eile grabs her arms and pulls her back up, but the something keeps pulling down. Eile calls for help and Dolores, Differel, and Shasta come running. Shasta grabs Sunny and together they pull her out of the water. They see a bruise on her ankle in the shape of human fingers. As they ponder this, a zombie breaks the surface, climbing up the ladder. Dolores shoots it in the head and it drops back down, but it is replaced by three others. Meanwhile, Mabuse comes running back, stating that zombies are coming out of the lake. And when they look, they see dozens staggering to shore. Eile and Shasta carry Sunny back to the cabin as Differel and Dolores cover them. They make it inside, but the zombies crowd the door. They consider evacuating before they are cut off, but then they see Ross and Annis racing back with dozens of more zombies on their heels. Differel and Shasta use their swords to open a way through the mob while Mabuse and Dolores cover them, and they escort Ross and Annis back inside. The converging mobs surround the cabin as more zombies filter out of the woods.

As Eile tends to Sunny, the women go around to secure the cabin, but it's too big for them to defend adequately. On a hunch, Mabuse fires up the computer, reasoning that since this is Medb's cabin, she must have built it to be defensible. It takes a little while, as the women beat off zombies hammering at the doors and shuttered windows, but finally she cracks the security code and activates the protocol. The first thing that happens is titanium carbide shutters close around the outside of the cabin. The second is boron nitride slabs with depleted uranium cores slide up out of the ground and seal off the patio that surrounds the cabin. The third thing is claymore mines in the patio roof go off, spraying shrapnel inside and killing every zombie that was trapped on the patio. The fourth thing is bounding mines activate and spray shrapnel around the cabin, but these are less effective. Finally, a weapons locker opens, revealing enough arms to fight a small war. Still, the external cameras reveal more zombies coming out of the lake and woods, but they are safe for the moment.

Mabuse also discovers that the cabin is equipped with a sophisticated communications system. However, when she tries to call for help, she finds the channels are being jammed by some external source. Ross and Differel try to call for help using their own private communicators, but these too are being jammed. Mabuse cannot identify it, except that it looks like one of the jamming programs she developed when working for Unit 666. She cannot localize it, but she knows it's within a ten mile radius. Given time she believes she can defeat it or get around it, but she doesn't know how long it will take. Meanwhile, she discovers that the cabin is equipped with sophisticated sensors. One, a radar system, spots a large aircraft slowly circling the area. Another, a satellite feed, shows the zombies as glowing dots. Based on this, she estimates there are 100+ zombies total, of which about 80 seem ambulatory. She also uses the high-resolution cameras to study the zombies in closeup.

As Mabuse tries to work out a way to use the satellite to alert the authorities, Ross comes over to look at the radar and satellite readings. As soon as she sees the satellite telemetry, she panics and pulls a gun on Sunny, which prompts Dolores, Differel, Annis, and Shasta to train theirs on her as Eile puts herself between Sunny and Ross's gun. Ross explains that Unit 666 has occasionally responded against zombie outbreaks in the US. They have collected samples and discovered that zombies are created by a fungus that consumes the brain and forms a mass that substitutes, using the human bodies as hosts. They have developed it into a weapon, but she ordered it stockpiled. Someone must have used it to form this mob. The problem is, while the spores are too heavy to float in the air and cannot penetrate the skin or stomach lining, if they get into any open wound they will infect the victim and turn him into a zombie within 24-36 hours. There is no cure; they only way to stop the process is to destroy the victim's brain. Sunny was attacked by one of them in lake. If she is infected, she poses a threat and must be eliminated. That convinces Differel and Annis to side with Ross against Shasta and Dolores and threatens a five-way shootout. Eile diffuses the situation by suggesting Mabuse examine Sunny. When Ross objects over whether she would be objective, Eile assures her she would be nothing but.

While Mabuse examines Sunny's ankle, the other women discuss what to do. They are nearly unanimous for making a break for it. The only holdouts are Eile and Ross. Even if Sunny isn't wounded, her ankle is sprained, so she wouldn't be able to get very far very fast, and Eile won't leave her. Differel argues that they should be safe in the house, and the food and water will last longer with just the two of them. However, Ross points out that the zombies were designed to overwhelm any ground force of a smaller size they came up against. Even with the firepower in this cabin, six people wouldn't stand a chance against a horde that size. Their best bet is to stay and wait for help. Undoubtedly, Medb will become suspicious when she is unable to contact them, and Ross was to report in every night. Differel admits that she had arranged to do the same, so with the communications jammed, help may only be days away. Mabuse announces she won't leave the girls alone, and besides she wants to study the zombies. Ross then points out that the defenses will have to be opened to let anyone out, which will put the people left behind in danger. And they may not be able to open the barriers fast enough if the escapees cannot break out and have to come back. Even if they did get away, the zombies would pursue them, and if they lost them, the zombies would disperse and become difficult, even impossible to track. Upon hearing all this, Annis and Dolores decide to stay, leaving Differel and Shasta, and they are forced to stay since the two of them alone could not make it.

Mabuse reports that as far as she can tell, Sunny's skin has not been broken. She washed the ankle and foot thoroughly using alcohol, so there should be no danger. Ross maintains that isn't good enough. Eile asks how long it takes for the first symptoms to show; Ross replies about six hours. Eile takes a forty-five automatic from the weapons locker, loads it, and cocks it, then goes to stand beside Sunny. She declares that she will do whatever is necessary if and when it's necessary, and if any one of them threatens Sunny with a gun again she'll blow their brains out. The others back down, but they appear convinced by Eile's resolve. Even Sunny believes her.

Ross's communicator bleeps. When she responds, she finds it is Col. Thegn. Thinking he'll rescue them, she tries to explain their situation, but he cuts her off, indicating that he was the one who instigated it. This prompts Mabuse to rush to the computer. Thegn indicates he knows that the "geriatric mad scientist" will be trying to use her "backdoor" to send a signal for help, but his programmers have modified the jamming program to prevent that as well. He then explains that the Pentagon wanted to see the weapon in action, but knowing Ross would never authorize a test, they took advantage of her leave and ordered Thegn to do it. He chose the target on his own initiative, figuring to kill three birds with one stone: test the efficacy of the zombies, get rid of Ross, and get revenge on the girls. Differel's presence was unexpected but is pure gravy. He admits that he had not anticipated the cabin being so well defended, but notes that this makes it an even better test. The mines didn't kill enough to break their attack, and while the barriers may keep them out, their siege will keep the women trapped. How much food do they have? How long will the water hold out? The zombies don't need to be resupplied and they don't sleep. At some point, the women will have to come out. He doubts any will get away unscathed, and those not killed outright will succumb to the fungus. In any event, he couldn't pass up the opportunity to twist the knife, but now he has more pressing matters to attend to, and he switches off. Ross is convinced that the aircraft on radar is the C-130 she heard last night, and that Thegn is using it as a command post to monitor the test.

Ross and the other women gather around Mabuse to see what she was up to. She explains that Thegn underestimated her. She admits that she always puts back doors into any security program she writes, and she confirms that someone has found the one she installed in the jamming program and sealed it. However, Thegn's signal made it possible for her to gain access to his communications systems, and she has pinpointed the source of the jamming as being his aircraft. Though he terminated his signal, she was able to set up a covert link, which is still active. After all, since Thegn was so obliging as to call them, she thought it be rude not to take advantage of his generosity. She can use this link to install a new backdoor. It will take a few hours to write the program, but once she executes it, they'll be able to call for help. Ross wants to call up an AC-130Z Jaeger, equipped with three Gau-12/Z gatling guns, to saturate the whole area around the cabin, followed by a ZIS (Zombie Interdiction Service) force to mop up, but Mabuse indicates the signal cannot be that informative, otherwise it will alert Thegn. It will essentially be one word, repeated over again, to attract someone's attention, hopefully Medb's. Sunny suggest "zombie" and Mabuse agrees that should be sufficient.

It takes Mabuse a little over two hours to write and execute her program. During that time, it becomes obvious even to Ross that Sunny is not infected. However, the boredom, tension, and incessant moaning of the zombies takes its toll. Tempers shorten and arguments flare even between the girls. The only one who seems unaffected is Mabuse, except that she becomes even more detached than usual. She suggests to Eile the use of sound to drown out the moaning, perhaps a movie to also keep everyone entertained and distracted. She reveals that Medb's entertainment system is computerized and has stored in its memory a thousand separate movies. Eile and Sunny check through the titles and choose a number of noisy adventure/thrillers, which they start running. Fortunately it does the trick. Though the moaning is not drowned out completely or continuously, the women are distracted enough that they can ignore it for the most part, and they find the movies interesting enough that they can keep their minds off their predicament. In fact, they find new areas of common interest, as they debate the efficacy of the tactics used in the movies. They also play loud music while eating.

As night approaches they realize they cannot play music all night or none of them will get any sleep. Mabuse devises earplugs made of bits of rubber surrounded by cotton and wrapped in wax to make them malleable. With those in place, softer, gentler music can be played and the moaning is completely blocked. However, at least one of them must stay awake to make sure the zombies don't somehow get in. They decide to rotate pairs, each pair staying awake for two hours while the rest sleep. The tension, however, is still high and by midnight they're all up again. Mabuse stays at the computer, convinced that Medb would never design a fortress with just passive defenses, that she has to have some form of offensive weaponry, she just hasn't found it yet. Nerves begin to fray again due to lack of sleep, and Eile worries that it is only a matter of time before violence breaks out.

Then the computer signals an alert. The radar has picked up an object dropping out of the sky at a very steep angle, traveling at a 150 mph. At first, Ross believes it is an ASM, launched by Thegn to destroy them. One postulated use for the zombie weapon was to pin enemy troops down in a small enough area to destroy with a single missile or bomb. But Mabuse states that a missile would travel at a minimum of Mach 1; this object looks more like it's in freefall, perhaps a bomb or . . . Differel suggests a skydiver executing a HALO jump. Ross cannot believe anyone would try that here and now, but Sunny suggests Medb would. They watch on radar as the object hurtles to within three hundred yards of the ground, then see a parachute open. Mabuse switches to the high-definition nightvision cameras and they see a figure drop out of the sky. It lands with pinpoint accuracy on the end of the pier, discards the chute, and pulls two machetes free before charging at the zombies. It wades in, swing and hacking as it dodges, twists, and pivots, cutting off heads and limbs. The zombies try to close in, but the figure is moving too fast and body checks zombies as needed. However, the mob is thickest around the barrier, and the figure is forced to slow down, giving the zombies a chance to surround it and press in. The figure then leaps out of the knot high into the air, and the women hear it land on the roof moments later. They grab assault rifles and submachine guns, and train them on a spot in the ceiling where a trapdoor is opened. The figure drops into the room, puts the machetes away, and removes its helmet. It is Medb.

She ignores the flurry of questions and heads for the computer. She taps out a code, and the security program flairs fully into life. She types out a series of commands, and a camera shows a missile launcher rise out of the ground. A SAM launches and speeds towards the C-130, destroying it. She then explains that she' called in an airstrike. The entire area around the cabin will be napalmed in 15 minutes, and while the cabin will survive, the temperature inside will rise high enough to roast everyone alive. She types out another code and a trapdoor opens in the floor. Medb explains that it leads to a tunnel that will take them a hundred yards down the lakeshore to where a boat is waiting. They can then take that to the opposite side of the lake where they will be safe.

They drop down into the tunnel, Sunny is hoisted unto Medb's back, and they race for the other end. They emerge through a set of camouflaged doors and go down to the lake. Medb goes up to what looks like a rock, but pulls away a tarp, revealing a speed boat. Before they can get in, however, Thegn appears with a half-dozen armed men. They surround and disarm the women, but Sunny makes a break for the boat. One of the soldiers shoots at her and she falls into the water. He then shoots into the lake, and her body doesn't come up. In a rage, Eile charges Thegn and he shoots her in the thigh. When Medb tries to attack him, he threatens to kill Eile and the rest unless she backs down. He then gloats about how he'd love to kill them all, but he prefers to watch them get devoured or burned alive. Moaning indicates the approach of zombies, so he has Differel gather up the women's guns and place them in the boat. As she does so, she sees Sunny in the water. Sunny signals her to stand ready. When Differel goes back, she signals Medb to be ready for a surprise.

Thegn and his men get into the boat, but before they can take off, Sunny rocks it and four of the soldiers fall overboard. The women rush forward and subdue Thegn and the remaining men. They then force the soldiers ashore. Medb orders them to run and the appearance of the zombies sets them running off. Medb reves up the boat, pulls away, and heads out into the lake, just as the jets fly overhead. They drop their payload and the woods explode into flame. The shockwave rocks the boat, but it doesn't capsize and the women make it to the opposite side where Medb's mercenary force is waiting. Ross takes charge of Thegn and will wait for a ZIS force to arrive. Medb then packs up the girls and women into a helicopter and evacuates them.

Ancient Roman Retail Space

In the first post in this series, I defined a taberna (plural, tabernae) as a tavern. In subsequent posts I defined it as “retail space”. In point of fact, the taberna was an important innovation for urban civilization. Before Rome, most communities in the ancient world had little more than a market square, an open space where people could gather to trade their surplus for things they needed but didn’t have. At the same time, craftsmen either worked in their own homes, or in larger communities at a crafts hall. The taberna made it possible to establish shops and workplaces that were separate from the owner’s home (or nearly so).

Tabernae most likely originated in Greece, as permanent structures in city markets. When the Romans conquered Greece, they adopted the tabernae and spread them throughout the empire. In fact, the spread of tabernae along with the growth of urbanization is a strong indication of just how successful the Roman economy was. Tabernae were central to the urban economy because they were the structures that facilitated trade. Many cities were ports or had been established as inland regional trade centers, and the tabernae made ideal places to sell local goods and imports. They revolutionized trade through the sheer volume and variety of the goods they offered to the public, and they served as a lucrative means for freedmen to gain upward social mobility.

Tabernae were fairly uniform in design, which facilitated mass construction. They were single room shops covered by barrel vaults with wide doorways. A false ceiling could be put in to create a mezzanine beneath the vaulted roof for storage or as living space. A window above the door let in light to illuminate this extra room. There were two types of tabernae. As established in the last two posts, they could be built into the front of a domus or on the ground floor of an insula, and operated by the homeowner or landlord, or rented to freedmen. The second type was built into the ground floors of public buildings that occupied the forum or market. Except that they were often larger, this second type of taberna was otherwise identical to the first type. Tabernae could be used for just about any purpose: as taverns and other eateries; retail outlets for selling goods, both local and imported; workshops for manufacturing craft items, pottery, furniture, and tools; bakeries; butcher shops; booksellers (or rather scrollsellers); locksmiths; barbers and hairdressers; distribution centers for free grain, olive oil, and wine; even miniature brothels. In fact, it wasn’t unusual for a landowner to patronize prostitutes and provide them with bed space inside one or more of their tabernae, for a cut of the profits. Rudimentary banks also operated out of tabernae, and offered many services found in modern banks.

Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

The Princess in Orange
portrait by Ariel Roberts

The Princess in Orange is, according to the mythology of Lost Carcosa, the daughter of The King in Yellow and The Queen in Red. She is the personification of madness and depravity. Her very nature is one of utter lunacy, yet as the saying goes, there is method in her madness. Though her manner seems haphazard and thoughtless, everything she does is for a purpose. She enjoys causing strife and mayhem, not necessarily for bloodshed, but certainly for destruction and ruin. She treats people as playthings, and those whom she selects as her favorites she harasses with sick games and contests and fantasy scenarios meant to force them into doing things so far outside their characters that they cannot bring themselves to do them, thereby dooming them, while others are simply tortured with no possibility of escape. Occasionally she selects a person to become a personal attendant; this person is driven mad and then taken to Carcosa to be tormented for all eternity.

She has singled out Differel for special consideration. She is convinced they are related, descended through King Arthur, and she calls Differel "Cousin" whenever they meet. So far, Differel has been able counter her, but she is nothing if not persistent.

The Princess in Orange serves the same role that Mr. Mxyzptlk played for Superman or the Great Gazoo played for Fred Flintstone, except her "pranks" can be more gruesome, disgusting, or pornographic. She does it for much the same reason as well: she sees Differel as an old fogy, with as much humor and personality as a stick set upright in mud, and she sees it as her mission to put some "fun" and "excitement" into her dull, drab life. Vlad Drakulya is powerless to stop her, because she is invulnerable, virtually omnipotent, and can call upon the Jester in Violet anytime for protection.

She has only two weaknesses. The first is that she has a fanatical hatred of her brother, The Prince in Blue. Should he appear, she will drop whatever she is doing and fight him, and at some point they both will disappear into their home dimension. However, the destruction and collateral damage they will cause makes summoning either a less than ideal solution for driving away the other.

Her second weakness is a love of games, and her devotion to following the rules means she will never cheat. If a victim challenges her to one and she agrees, she will not retaliate if her victim wins, and she will abide by whatever agreement she made when she accepted the challenge. However, she will stack the odds heavily in her favor, and she is not above creating deadly game scenarios to test the metal of her current plaything.

Stories where the Princess in Orange has appeared to date:

Rhapsody in Orange

Fun 'n' Games

L. Neil Smith and the Zimmermann Telegram

The problem with critiquing L. Neil Smith’s paranoid rantings is that there are so many of them it’s hard to choose which to start with. However, couple that with his refusal to list his sources, and there is damn little left to critique, especially if you’re not an historian, which I am not. So I cannot comment on an obscure reference I can’t find in a standard history text or reference book, such as his claim that the money the Dutch paid to the American revolutionaries didn’t actually exist (they paid with a bank draft), nor can I comment on a more obvious falsehood when I have no idea where he got his information, such as his claim that the Lusitania carried deck guns (hidden under tarps). Most of this nonsense is just Insane Troll Logic in any event, but all I can do is try to set the record straight, and even then he has an out by claiming that orthodox history is all statist lies and propaganda. Despite these handicaps, I have decided to start with an examination of his opinion of the Zimmermann Telegram, not because it doesn’t suffer from the above problems, but because I know a bit more about that subject. Besides, it makes for a very interesting story.

For those of you not familiar with this piece of history, here is a summary from Wikipedia:

The Zimmermann Telegram ... was a 1917 diplomatic proposal from the German Empire for Mexico to join the Central Powers, in the event of the United States entering World War I on the side of the Entente Powers. The proposal was intercepted and decoded by British intelligence who at first was reluctant to inform the U.S. as it would have revealed that they were spying on this country. Revelation of the contents outraged American public opinion. President Woodrow Wilson moved to arm American merchant ships to defend themselves against German submarines, which had started to attack them. The news helped generate support for the United States declaration of war on Germany in April of that year.

The message came as a coded telegram dispatched by the Foreign Secretary of the German Empire, Arthur Zimmermann, on January 16, 1917. The message was sent to the German ambassador to Mexico, Heinrich von Eckardt. Zimmermann sent the telegram in anticipation of the resumption of unrestricted submarine warfare by Germany on 1 February, an act which Germany presumed would lead to war. The telegram instructed Ambassador Eckardt that if the U.S. appeared certain to enter the war, he was to approach the Mexican Government with a proposal for military alliance, with funding from Germany. Mexico was promised recovery of lost territories in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. Eckardt was also instructed to urge Mexico to help broker an alliance between Germany and Japan. Mexico, unable to match the U.S. military, ignored the proposal and after the U.S. entered the war, officially rejected it.

In his essay “Empire of Lies” published in The Libertarian Enterprise, Smith makes the following claim:

A quick perusal of the Internet reveals that there are still defenders of the statist quo [sic] ... who want the infamous Zimmerman [sic] telegram to have been the real thing. Americans became outraged when, supposedly, Germany told Mexico that if it came into the War to End All Wars ... on their side, they could have everything back--Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Southern California, Cleveland--that they had lost to the gringos since 1846.

Today many historians--those not subsisting on federal grants--believe that the Zimmerman [sic] telegram was a hoax cooked up between the American State Department and the British government to help bring us into what Wilson proclaimed was "the War to Make the World Safe for Democracy".

Of course the statists claim that that's a hoax.

He doesn’t quote any of these “historians”, or even provide citations of books in which they make such claims. I’ve searched the Internet, but I can’t find a single “historian” who believes the Telegram was a hoax. What I find are people like Smith, pursuing an anti-government (or even anti-Semitic!) agenda , none of whom appear to have any kind of degree in history. That alone should be enough to call his claim into question.

But the claim that the Telegram was a hoax is not new. It has cropped up numerous times since World War I, and in fact, when the Telegram was finally revealed, most of the American public, the media, the Federal government, and possible Woodrow Wilson himself believed it to be a fake, or at least suspected it might be, at first. Which begs the question: if the US State Department helped to create the fake message, why did most of them denounce it as a hoax? Smith does not address this issue (though in all fairness he may not be aware of it; many people aren’t). Was it a rogue operation perpetrated by a few men? If so, then he can hardly blame it on the evil statist government.

In reality, though, the possibility that the Telegram was faked was quashed when Zimmermann himself admitted that it was real . Not only that, but he also verified that the revealed content was accurate . So, Smith’s claim makes no sense, but then again, Insane Troll Logic never does. I mean, why would Zimmermann claim a fake message in his name was real if it wasn’t? Was he part of the conspiracy to bring the US into the war? To my knowledge, Smith has never addressed this issue either, but others on the Internet have, and yes they claim just that. The more elaborate theory is that Zimmermann, who brokered the peace with Bolshevik Russia, was sympathetic to a Jewish Zionist cause, and wanted to see Christian Russia destroyed and the establishment of a Jewish homeland in Palestine. (See also this bit of anti-Semitic trash.) In reality, however, it is more likely Zimmermann had hoped the American people would understand that the offer of military assistance to Mexico was conditional on America’s entry into the war. They didn’t.

Be that as it may, Zimmermann’s admission should be enough to prove that the Telegram itself wasn’t a hoax, but early drafts of the Telegram have also been found in the archives of the old East Germany when it reunited with West Germany, and they are worded pretty much as the final Telegram was, including the offer to back Mexico in an attack on America. Unless Smith wants to claim that the Americans and British planted these earlier drafts, that should settle the question once and for all. For pure icing on the cake, the Germans themselves conducted an internal investigation to discover how the Americans came to know the contents of the Telegram, and decided a traitor must have delivered it them. As with Zimmermann’s confession, it seems inconceivable Germany would have conducted such an investigation for a message it knew was a hoax. Was Germany herself part of the conspiracy to bring the US into the war against Germany?! Insane Troll Logic indeed.

In any event, it was true that the British wanted the Americans involved in the war on their side (though it is problematical as to whether the Americans really wanted that too), but they didn’t need to fake such a message when the Germans obligingly provided them with exactly what they needed! (I should point out that Smith’s only evidence that the American government wanted to get into WWI is his claim that “Woodrow Wilson had gotten himself reelected by falsely promising American parents that their sons would never be sent to fight in a foreign war”. Unfortunately, Pres. Wilson is no longer with us and can’t defend himself, so it is impossible to refute this claim except to say that Smith has no evidence to support it, just his ideological beliefs.)

Beyond that, there is additional information that, taken all together, strongly disputes the idea that the Telegram was a hoax. To begin with, one reason people have assumed it was fake is because it seems so out of character. That is, why would Germany suddenly try to incite war between Mexico and the US, when it had done nothing of the kind before? But in point of fact it had, starting as early as 1914, if not earlier, and it very nearly succeeded in 1914, when Woodrow Wilson ordered the military invasion of Veracruz in response to Germany shipping arms to Mexico. Fortunately, the Mexicans decided they were no match for the American military, and they resolved to remain neutral. On top of that, Germany had been pursuing similar actions throughout the war in other parts of the world. They sent money to German Americans so as to commit acts of sabotage in Canada. They funded revolt against the British in Ireland and India, and against the French in North Africa. And they supported Lenin in his revolutionary takeover of Russia. That last was the only project that succeeded, when the Bolsheviks withdrew from the war and signed a peace treaty with Germany, but it should be clear that the diplomatic overture to Mexico was in keeping with its overall foreign during the war.

Then too, we know the exact sequence of events for how the Telegram came to be intercepted, decoded, and delivered to the Americans, and we know this because of official records and personal accounts. Before the war, Germany had its own trans-Atlantic telegraph cable, but the British navy cut it early in the war. As such, Germany depended on the good graces of neutral countries to send diplomatic messages to its embassies in the New World. Pres. Wilson agreed to transmit such messages over the America cable so as to maintain a dialogue to broker a lasting peace. So, the German Foreign Office gave the coded message to the American embassy in Berlin, which transmitted it to the embassy in Copenhagen, where it was transmitted to Washington over the cable. The State Department then gave the message to the German embassy in Washington, which decoded the message, then re-encrypted it using a different, older code, and sent it to their embassy in Mexico City using a commercial wire service.

Unfortunately, the American trans-Atlantic cable passed by southern England, and unknown to the US and Germany, the British had tapped the cable and were intercepting and recording all messages. They had also partially cracked the German diplomatic code, so they could read enough of the message to figure out what it was trying to say. Now, the British could have just handed the message to the American embassy in London. In fact, if the Telegram had been a hoax that was the most logical next step. However, if it wasn't a hoax, that would be the last thing they would have done, because it would have alerted the Americans that they were spying on them, and alerted the Germans that they had cracked their code. Besides, the Americans would have almost certainly assumed the message was a hoax

We have already established that the Telegram was not a hoax, but I wanted to point out that what happened next is further evidence that it couldn't have been a hoax. The British needed a way to get the message into America's hands that also avoided the above problems, so they alerted their agents in Mexico City to intercept it. One of them bribed an employee of the cable company to give him a copy, which was sent to London. There the British were able to read almost the entire message, because they had completely broken that older code. That's when they gave it to the Americans.

The point is, this ploy only makes sense if the Telegram wasn't a hoax, with the added bonus that, since the German embassy in Washington re-coded the message for transmission to Mexico, they would have known its contents, and would have immediately recognized it was a fake. In other words, had it been a hoax, it never would have been sent to Mexico in the first place, and no one would have ever heard of it.

Regardless, the British ploy worked perfectly. The Germans refused to believe their codes had been compromised and the Americans never suspected the British were spying on them. After all, they had a copy of the original Telegram sent from Germany, and the commercial wire service provided them with a copy of the message sent to Mexico. After Zimmermann's confession, Pres. Wilson and most the country accepted that the Telegram was real, and as the Wikipedia excerpt reveals, that resulted in a general uproar against the Germans.

There is, however, one final twist on this tale. Thomas Boghardt has pointed out that, despite the uproar, the Telegram did not change any minds. That is, people who were isolationist and opposed to entering the war before the Telegram was made public remained so after its revelation. In fact, the furor quickly died down and had largely been forgotten by the time the US finally did declare war.

So, if neither the Telegram nor the Lusitania were responsible for goading America into entering the war, what was? Boghardt maintains that Germany's resumption of unrestricted submarine warfare was the final straw, though the Telegram may have given Pres. Wilson the moral support he needed to ask Congress to declare war.

So, it should now be obvious that Smith is dead wrong about the Zimmermann Telegram being a hoax. Of course, as I’ve mentioned before, Smith gives himself an out: “Today many historians--those not subsisting on federal grants...” Which implies that anyone who argues against his claim is part of the government and therefore a liar. On top of which, one of my sources is the NSA (GASP!!). Surely, as a department of the evil statist kleptocratic collectivist government, everything it says must be a lie, right?! Right? Umm...

Fortunately, for the rest of us Fridge Logic kicks in. That’s another trope, and it describes the situation where, the movie or TV show over, you’re standing in front of your fridge, trying to decide what to snack on, when you realize that some scene you accepted because it was cool, dramatic, or funny, suddenly doesn’t make any sense. In this case, the rest of us realize that the report had originally been a classified internal document meant for the NSA only, and only later declassified and made public. Since it’s highly unlikely the NSA would lie to itself, there’s no reason to doubt the contents, unless Smith can actually produce some kind of evidence of deception beyond screaming, “The government is evil, I tells ya! EEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!”

Unlike Smith, I am not afraid to provide my sources:

The original draft found in the German archives

The report of Germany's investigation

General information on the events leading up to the transmission of the Telegram and its effect afterwards, including mention of the minor role played by the Telegram in America's entry into the war

The most recent and most definitive book on the subject.