Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 11

Synopsis: Chilly Eile (a Team Girl Alternative Reality story)

Sunny visits Prof. Eile, a former colleague of her father, to inform her of her father's sudden death. Eile lives alone in a small three-room suite that she almost never leaves. She also uses a refrigeration machine to keep the suite ice-cold. Sunny is so impressed by Eile's courtesy and galant manner that she returns again and again. They become friends, as Eile delights in having an intellectual equal to converse with about art and philosophy, and play chess with, and Sunny delights in having someone who takes her intellect seriously. Sunny soon falls in love. On a hot summer day, however, the refrigeration machine breaks down. Sunny tries to get it repaired, but it cannot be done in time. Eile reveals that she is in fact dead, but using her will to maintain the semblance of life. However, her body has been decaying ever since, just very slowly because of the refrigeration. But in the growing heat the decay is accelerating. Soon she will be unable to remain in the human world. Her only choice is to join the dead, to retreat into the catacombs below the city, where it is perpetually cool. Sunny helps her get to the nearest entrance. Later Sunny returns and finds that the decay has stabilized and Eile still lives, but she has been reduced to a walking nightmare. But Sunny refuses to abandon her. Sunny arranges a mock funeral and burial, then helps Eile turn a crypt into an apartment complete with her books, artwork, and chess set. She keeps her supplied with food and other necessities, and visits her once a week for many years, before she finally joins her permanently.

Ancient Roman Homes

In my previous post in this series, I mentioned that wealthy Roman citizens lived in houses. In this post, I would like to describe what a typical Roman house was like.

A Roman private house was called a domus (plural, domus, with a long-u sound). The basic design was fairly simple, a rectangle of varying length that was subdivided into smaller rooms. The average domus was constructed from brick or masonry covered with plaster and painted, but those of wealthier individuals could be constructed of marble or other decorative stone. The roofs were made of wood planks covered with tiles supported by beams. In towns and cities, the majority of domus were built as integral parts of a single structure that covered a block; only the very wealthy and/or powerful could have a single house all by itself.

Each domus was built around a central open space called the atrium. It was the focal point of the house and the center of family activity. It was also where guests would be entertained. It may have evolved from the earlier Etruscan house design, which was built around a similar central hall with a firepit; a skylight in the roof allowed smoke to escape. The Roman atrium also had a skylight called a compluvium, to let in light since most domus had no windows, but it also allowed in rain. To handle that, a drain pool called an impluvium lay in the floor directly under the compluvium to catch rainwater and drain it away into a cistern. The atrium contained an altar with a statue to the household gods.

The rooms of the domus were laid out inside the atrium with doors or curtains to close them off for some privacy, while the central area was left relatively uncluttered to give the impression of a large space. The ceiling could be the roof itself, or added to create an attic space for storage or slave quarters. Most domus had front rooms on either side of the entrance that opened out onto the street. These were the tabernae and were used as shops. (More about this later.) There could be two or four tabernae depending upon the width of the domus. The entrance itself, the ostium, opened onto a hall created by the tabernae called a vestibulum. It in turn opened onto the atrium. A domus was laid out so that anyone standing in the ostium could see clear through the vestibulum and the atrium to the back of the house.

There were three basic floor plans. The simplest had a single taberna beside the ostium and a small atrium beyond, with perhaps a bedroom, an office, an indoor latrine, and a dining room. These could have been the homes of shopkeepers, who ran a business out of the taberna and lived behind it. Similar domus without a taberna could have been the homes of bachelors or young couples just starting out in life, or retired people at the end of their own.

More elaborate was the second floor plan, which differed from the first by being larger. It could have two tabernae, or the same space might be taken up by additional internal rooms. There could be as many as four bedrooms, a larger office/study, a library, and a kitchen along with the dining room and latrine. Often a garden, called a hortus, lay in the back, accessed through the study. There might even be extra quarters in an attic or second floor under the roof.

The third floor plan was the most elaborate, because it consisted of two sections. The front area contained the atrium and its associated rooms, while the rear area contained an open colonnaded courtyard called a peristylium. As with the atrium, it was roofed but with a compluvium to let in light, while rainwater was captured by a pool called a piscina. As the name implies, it was sometimes used as a fish-pond. If the peristylium was large enough, the space between the columns and the piscina might contain a garden, or a hortus might be placed behind or beside the domus. The space inside the columns served as a portico, while the space behind the portico was subdivided into rooms, the purpose of which varied depending upon need. A second story with extra rooms was sometimes built above this section of the domus. This type of floor plan might be used by a wealthy patrician or a freedman with a large family, and it could be wide enough to accommodate as many as four tabernae in the front.

Below is a "typical" floor plan for a two-section domus. In fact, no two domus were exactly alike, and the basic design could accommodate a wide variety of building shapes. Also, the placement and use of each room could vary, though certain areas tended to have fixed purposes.



A: atrium -- in addition to being the heart of the domus, in regions with seasons it was also the "winter" quarters for the family; in non-seasonable regions it might instead be where the slaves slept while the family slept in the peristylium

Al: ala; wings off the atrium -- their exact purpose is unknown, but they could have been used as a library to store scrolls or as a semi-private space to sit with guests

C: cubiculum; "small room" -- generally used as bedrooms, but could be used for other purposes, such as a latrine or library

Cu: culina; kitchen -- larger homes might also have a kitchen in the peristylium section, or a single kitchen located there instead, in which case this room might be a salon, library, or latrine

E: exedra; salon -- a place to entertain guests or hold discussions; usually located in the peristylium, there could be a second one in the atrium as well

P: peristylium -- in seasonal regions, this section served as the "summer" quarters for the family; as such, it would have bedrooms and a dining room at least, and possibly a second kitchen; in non-seasonable regions it might be where the slaves slept, while the family slept in the atrium; this is also where the internal latrine was usually located

T: taberna; retail unit -- space for shops (more on this later)

Ta: tablinum; office or study -- the place where the dominus, the patriarch, held court; he would receive clients there and do work there; centrally located, he could observe activity in both the atrium and the peristylium at the same time

The space between the tablinum and the culina on the diagram is the fauces, a passage that allowed family members and slaves to pass between the atrium and the peristylium without going through the tablinum and disturbing the dominus.

Tri: triclinium; dining room -- the place where the family and their guests reclined and ate; usually located in the atrium, sometimes there was a second in the peristylium as well, or the only one might be located there instead, in which case the atrium room could serves as a salon, library, or latrine

V: vestibulum, with the external ostium

The space between the culina and the first cubiculum in the peristylium is the posticum, which normally served as the slaves' entrance, but could also be used by family members wishing to leave unobserved.

In the first post, I defined taberna as a tavern or inn, a place where people could eat, drink, and possibly spend the night. However, tabernae in fact refers to retail space, which could be used to sell food and drink, but mainly served as shops and workplaces. Tabernae built into a domus belonged to the owner of the domus, who could use them as he saw fit. He might run a business, with the help of his slaves, or might have his freedmen clients run it for him, or he might rent the tabernae to independent freedmen. Regardless, so important were tabernae that even very wealthy patricians seeking to build palatial abodes made sure to allow for plenty of shop space on the sides facing the streets. (I will have more to say about tabernae in future posts.)

Finally, I have been unable to find out if domus were owned or rented. I cannot imagine that the highest ranking patricians rented their grand homes, but they may have been granted them as gifts by the town or city, especially if they owned grand country villas. Neither can I believe that plebeians owned their small homes, though patrons may have given them their dwellings in exchange for work. Still, I do not know if the city built the dwellings or the patrician landowners did.

My opinion is that something similar to the modern world may have been in force. Quite possibly, the city built some homes, that it gifted or sold to patricians or wealthy freedmen, or rented to merchants and tradesmen, while some patricians were gifted or bought land inside the city and then constructed homes on that land, such as perhaps a fancy two-section one for themselves, a couple of one-section homes to sell to merchants, and several shopkeeper homes to rent to freedmen clients.

Dumb Sunny Jokes Walk Among Us

Sunny catches Eile cheating on her with Differel, so she goes out and buys a gun.

Coming back she screams, "I can't take it anymore!" And she holds the gun to her head.

Eile shouts, "Sunny! No!"

"Shut up! You're next!"

=====

"Hey, Eile! What does IDK mean?"

"I dunno know."

"Oh my fabulous gravy! No one knows!"

=====

Eile walks into her office and finds Sunny placing one of the flatscreen monitors on the scanner.

"What the freakin' hell are you doin'?!"

"What's it look like? I'm trying to print out a document!"

=====

One day, Sunny decided she wanted some different kind of adventure. So she goes to the park and kidnaps a child. She writes a note: "If you ever want to see your child again, leave $10,000 under the apple tree in the park. A Blonde." Then she pins the note on the kid and lets him go. The next day she goes to the park and finds $10,000 under the apple tree, along with a note. It reads: "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?!"

=====

What's the difference between Sunny and a limo?

Not everyone's gone to town in a limo.

=====

Sunny walks into a mountain resort casino and bets twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm naked."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

=====

Sunny heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for the milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When he read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

Sunny came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

"I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my face".

=====

Sunny wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, she moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." This time quite scared, she moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

=====

Sunny once said, "I'm right 98% percent of the time! Who cares about the other 3%!"

New Edition: Fun 'n' Games

In my studies of tropes, I've come across many that I've used without knowing, but I've also discovered tropes that I could have used but didn't because I didn't know about them. Though I don't plan to go back and rewrite my stories to include tropes that don't really add anything to the story, just to use them, there might be a few that could benefit.

One of these is "Fun 'n' Games", the story about the second appearance of the Princess in Orange. Due to the erotic nature of the story, it seemed reasonable to me that I should have used the opportunity to include some tropes about breasts, since such have an important purpose in the climax.

As such, I have added a few scenes that make use of some of these tropes; scenes that hopefully add a touch of humor while not detracting from the narrative, and which further emphasize the surreal nature of the situation.

This ebook is still free and can be downloaded from Smashwords.

Boobs Tropes

The five main characters I write about are all women, so naturally I like to play with their boobs.

Tropes about their boobs, that is.

Since Most Creators Are Male, tropes about female breasts figure prominently in many works, and yet there are not as many as you might think there could be, compared to other trope categories, such as food or clothing. The reason for this may be because, despite the male fascination for female bosoms, tropes treat boobs in only three ways: big boobs, bouncy boobs, or squeezable boobs. And there are only a few ways you can ... ahem ... play with those.

In my stories, I don't describe my characters by giving their bra sizes. For one thing, that's not a particularly helpful reference, except in very broad terms (no pun intended). For another, it's fairly gratuitous. Besides, it can be argued that it's telling, not showing. I prefer to use descriptors, such as: Medb is a massive woman; Eile is athletic; Sunny is better endowed; and Differel can be mistaken for a man. However, I do think about these things in case I need to use them in a story, so for the benefit of the pervs among my fans:

In terms of absolute size, Medb has the largest breasts of any of my characters, but that's only because she's bigger than any of them: 6-feet-6 and nearly 400 lbs (muscle, not fat). Her bosom is actually proportional for her size and frame. It only seems bigger because her chest and shoulder muscles are able to hold it higher and mould the individual breasts rounder than the average woman. If she were normal they would probably be in the high D range.

Eile has a trim, athletic build on a slim frame, so her breasts occupy the B range. In contrast, Sunny has a more voluptuous build on a statuesque frame, so her breasts are in the DD (or E) range.

Sir Differel is even more slender than Eile (though she has a well-formed arse) and her frame is more muscular with less fat, so her bosom is in the A range.

Lady Margaret sported a bosom before any of her classmates, but she has a stronger body than she might have had thanks to her training with Differel, so she is in the high C, low D range.

Incidentally, when I refer to Differel and Margaret as a team, I call them by their nicknames, Dribble & Maggot.

And now, the tropes:

A-Cup Angst -- a woman considers herself inferior because she is not sufficiently buxom

***** When Differel was a preteen and early teen, she sometimes bemoaned the fact that she seemed to be maturing slower than her classmates. As she got older she resented the fact that people sometimes mistook her for being a man. While she trusted her husband, Victor, his preference for big-busted women made her wonder why he fell in love with her. And in "Fun 'n' Games" she suffered a momentary pang of regret when the Princess in Orange restored her bosom to its smaller size.

In the unpublished story "Alien Husbandry", Eile becomes convinced Sunny doesn't appreciate her small bust, so she decides to have it enlarged. That allows Dr. Mabuse to capture her and force Sunny to participate in an experiment that mates her to an alien monstrosity.

Absolute Cleavage -- a dress or top is cut to display a woman's entire cleavage; a Clothing trope as well as a Boobs trope

***** One of Team Girl's best friends is Bettie Stivic. She cosplays with them as Elvira Mistress of the Dark, and this serves as her persona in the Dreamlands. Her costume is open practically to her waist, well below her belly button, exposing her G-cup bosom.

When the Princess in Orange turned Sunny into a Blue Lantern, her costume featured this design as well.

Big Bra to Fill -- the difficulty in finding a live actress who can play a buxom character without enhancement

***** Unfortunately, Hollywood has yet to offer me $$$-BIG BUCKS-$$$ for the rights to my stories (where the HELL are you guys?!?!?!?), but while they should have no problem casting for Eile or Differel, Margaret and Sunny would prove more difficult, and Medb is likely to be impossible. In fact, I would strongly suggest they animate any blockbuster Medb hErenn movie.

Big Breast Pride -- a woman is proud of her large breasts

***** Sunny and Margaret are quite happy with their sizable busts. (Eile and Differel like them, too!)

Boobs of Steel -- the tendency for the physically strongest women to have the largest breasts

***** Played straight with Medb, who is the strongest, most capable fighter and has the largest bosom of the cast. Subverted with Differel, who is second only to Medb but has the smallest bust. Inverted with Team Girl and Dribble & Maggot, in that Eile and Differel have smaller breasts than Sunny or Margaret, but are the better fighters. (Though the latter two are stronger and more capable than they appear.) Also inverted with Bettie, who has a bigger bosom than even Sunny, but is the weakest fighter of them all.

Breast Expansion -- a woman's breasts suddenly enlarge to an often immense level (not to be confused with Fake Boobs below)

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", the Princess in Orange enlarges Differel's breasts from A to at least E, if not F.

Buxom Is Better -- a woman with large breasts is seen as being more attractive in-universe

***** Played straight with Sunny and Margaret; men (and Eile and Differel respectively) lust after them because of their big busts. Defied with Eile and Differel; men (and women, as well as Sunny and Margaret respectively) lust after them despite their smaller bosoms. Subverted with Medb; she's just too massive and intimidating for most people to find sexy (with some exceptions). Bettie Stivic takes advantage of this trope in the Dreamlands.

Cleavage Window -- a top or dress is cut to expose a woman's cleavage over her heart; a Clothing trope as well as a Boobs trope

***** Ignored with Medb; if she wants to display her breasts she strips naked. Played straight with Eile and Sunny; the entertainment costumes they wear in the Dreamlands feature this design. Averted with Differel and Margaret; the former would rather die a gruesome death at the hands of some big greasy monster than wear such a top, and the latter is too dignified.

D-Cup Distress -- a woman hates her large breasts

***** Another of Team Girl's best friends is Wendy Cleasa. She's a single mother who is a trained and licensed nurse practitioner, but her F-cup bosom prevented her from being taken seriously, and she had to take a job as an exotic dancer to keep from becoming homeless. She has considered getting her breasts reduced, but for the time being she needs them to make enough money to support herself and her son.

Fake Boobs -- Exactly What It Says On the Tin; some form of artificial breast enhancement

***** In "Alien Husbandry", Eile seriously considered getting her bust enlarged because she thought Sunny didn't like her small breasts. Differel has sometimes padded her bust when she goes undercover.

Funbag Airbag -- one character accidentally collides with a woman and buries his or her face in her bosom

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", Differel's enlarged bosom causes her to get stuck while squeezing past a partially open hidden door. Her manager of the Caerleon Order, Maggie King, pushes her through, but they lose their balance and Maggie falls on top of Differel with her face in her breasts.

Gag Boobs -- the use of large breasts for comedic effect

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", Differel's enlarged bust serves a practical purpose, but the Princess also did it as a joke to poke at her pompous nature.

Gainaxing -- unusually large and buoyant breasts that tend to jiggle, sway, bounce, and bobble in an exaggerated fashion; often the breasts move in an asynchronous manner

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", Differel's enlarged breasts, which Maggie describes as anime bubble boobs, are far more buoyant and bouncy than real breasts of the same size and shape, and they interfere with her ability to move around.

Hidden Buxom -- girls or women with large breasts try to hide them from view

***** Zigzagged with Differel. As a child, Her Majesty's Government considered her too weak and innocent to run the Caerleon Order, and as she matured into a young woman, they gave her no respect, believing that it would be better if she simply married and produced a male heir, and let them run the Order. However, she discovered that, small as it was, if she kept her bosom covered by jackets so it was no longer obvious, the government seemed more willing to take her seriously. It worked so well, in fact, that after she gave birth to her son Henry, her penchant for nursing him in their presence unnerved them.

I Have Boobs, You Must Obey! -- a woman uses the titillation that results when she shows her large breasts to men to convince them to do what she tells them

***** Sunny, Margaret, Bettie, and Wendy, and to some extent Eile as well, take advantage of this trope when they can. However, Differel would refuse to do so, if she had the assets to work with.

Marshmallow Hell -- a woman purposely hugs another character and presses his or her face into her large breasts; can be innocent or part of a seduction scheme

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", during the climax, Differel lay on top of Billy so that she could cover his face with her breasts.

Maturity Is Breast Size -- the oldest woman (while still being younger than middle-age) has the largest breasts

***** Played straight with Medb, being as she's the oldest of the cast, but inverted with Differel and Team Girl. She's older than they are, but has a smaller bosom.

Most Common Superpower -- adult superheroines have impressive busts that are perky and self-supporting; partially justified in that superheroes have a Heroic Build which includes a Sculpted Physique and being Top-Heavy.

***** Medb is the closest thing to a bona fide superhero in my Universe; enough said.

When the Princess in Orange turned Differel, Team Girl, Margaret, and Billy the Stableboy into members of the various Lantern Corps, she didn't change their physiques, thereby averting this trope, but later she gave Differel a power ring in Real Life that turned her into a superhero. The ring changed her appearance, giving her the Most Common Superpower along with a Heroic Build.

Multiboobage -- a character has more than two breasts

***** In my Universe, female Werewolves have three pairs of breasts when transformed.

Non-Mammal Mammaries -- a female creature that is not a mammal has human-style breasts

***** Dreamlands Mermaids have fish-like physiology, but they also have functional breasts that produce a nutritional fluid derived from blood.

Sideboob -- a dress or top is cut to display the outer sides of the breasts; a Clothing trope as well as a Boobs trope

***** Sunny prefers to wear slingshot swimsuits (when she's not skinny-dipping), which not only display Absolute Cleavage, but plenty of Sideboob as well.

Like this: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/201...

Skinship Grope -- women or girls who are friends play with each other's breasts despite not being lovers

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", when Maggie joins up with Differel to help her win the Princess in Orange's game, she becomes so fascinated with Differel's enlarged breasts that she actually fondles them.

Thanks For the Mammary -- when a character accidentally grabs a woman's breasts

***** In "Fun 'n' Games", the Princess in Orange arranged to have Differel stripped naked except for a pair of silk stockings. When she tried to use one to tie down her Gainaxing breasts, the Princess stripped those off as well. Maggie grabbed Differel around the chest, thinking the Princess was trying to whisk her away, and she accidentally clasped her breasts in the process.

Underboobs -- a dress or top is cut to display the undersides of the breasts; a Clothing trope as well as a Boobs trope

***** When the Princess in Orange turned Eile into a Star Sapphire, her costume amply displayed the underside of her bosom.

Victoria’s Secret Compartment -- a woman hides something between her large breasts

***** Played straight with most of my female characters at one time or another (but so far no booby traps).

World of Buxom -- virtually every female character has larger-than-average breasts

***** Subverted; though some major characters have large busts, an equal number are average or smaller.

Next week I will discuss tropes for Action Hero.

Dreamlands Bestiary: The Tengu

The Tengu are a race native to the Dreamlands. They resemble one of the supernatural creatures from Japanese mythology, hence their name, but they are a true race, in that they are capable of self-reproduction rather than dependent upon being formed by Dream-magic. Although, it is problematic knowing whether they started that way.

A Tengu is Human-sized and humanoid in overall body shape, but it also possesses distinctive avian features: feathers, functional wings, raptor beaks, and taloned bird feet. They tend to resemble kites. However, they also have a pair of arms that terminate in hands equipped with taloned fingers and opposable thumbs. Their eyes face forward, giving them binocular vision, but are set further to the side, giving them better peripheral vision. They are colorblind, but their vision is very keen and they can see greater detail much farther away than Humans can. They are, however, virtually night-blind. Tengu eat meat, but they are not obligate carnivores, and can digest rice, bread, pasta, and fruit with little difficulty, unless it is too coarse or fibrous.

Tengu have Human intelligence and their own language, and they can also learn other languages. Most Tengu are literate, or at least can read if not write. They wear clothes, though they must be cut to allow their wings, tail feathers, and legs complete freedom of movement. Despite their raptor-like feet, they can wear a special type of geta sandal. Their culture resembles Japanese culture in many ways; however, they are solitary except when they mate and have children. The female lays anywhere from one to three eggs. The chicks when they hatch are helpless and must undergo additional development before they can leave the nest. However, at that point they are like Human children, and need to grow and develop further before they become adults. That is also when they are educated. Once they become sexually mature they leave to make lives of their own, and the parents usually split up and go their separate ways, though they may come together later to have a new family.

They are adept craftsmen and can make whatever they need. They are especially masterful weaponsmiths, and the weapons they make are prized beyond those made by other races. This makes sense considering that they are also masters of armed and unarmed combat. A common belief is that no one can defeat a Tengu in a duel, and indeed only two people are said to have ever beaten one, the man who calls himself Don Quixote and Medb hErenn. However, they have a stoic temperament, which makes it hard to insult or anger them, but they are proud and arrogant, and readily accept challenges for duels. In addition to a katana and a wakizashi sword, Tengu are armed with a tanto dagger, bo-shuriken darts, and a staff called a shakujo. It consists of a wooden pole with an elaborate circular iron head. At least four iron rings hang loosely from the head, which swing and strike against each other and the head, creating a jingling ringing noise. Tengu use the staff to announce their presence, frighten off dangerous animals, and when praying, but they can also use it as a weapon. The head and rings can entangle a weapon and allow the Tengu to disarm its opponent. They also know Dream-magic, which they use defensively, such as disguising themselves to look Human (though because of their beaks their Human forms tend to have rather long noses). They love to perform aerial dances, but are poor singers.

Tengu normally live in hilly and mountainous regions with thick forests, where their ability to fly gives them an advantage over terrestrial intruders. They hold territories and will challenge anyone who trespasses. A favorite tactic is to block a bridge over a deep gorge or raging river and challenge all who seek to use it. Even so, they rarely harass anyone who is just passing through, but they might charge a toll on transported goods. They are somewhat sympathetic towards adventurers and fighters who are civil and treat them with courtesy. Some Tengu, however, spend time wandering, during which they keep mostly to themselves, unless provoked. Such have been known to come to the rescue of fellow travelers in distress. As a race, they practice an ascetic discipline known as Shugendo, and the wanderers usually dress in a yamabushi costume that consists of a shirt and a divided skirt, a jacket with pom-poms, a beaded necklace, a goatskin skirt, leggings and mittens, straw sandals, and a black cap. This along with the shakujo (as well as the nose) is distinctive enough that people in the know can recognize a Tengu even when disguised.

Tengu are tolerant of other races as long as they are treated with respect. They sometimes give Cat couriers rides to help them cross their territory faster. They will trade their crafts for items they do not or cannot make themselves, and their weapons can bring very high prices. They have been known to accept apprentices who wish to learn Shugendo, their skill in fighting, or both. They sometimes join adventurers on their quests. They have been known to adopt orphaned Human children, to whom they teach Shugendo and their fighting skills. They love stories and poems, and a good way to win their admiration is to be a good raconteur. However, they can also hire themselves out as mercenaries and bounty hunters, and some turn bandit, robbing travelers and kidnapping them for ransom.

Synopsis: Grand Quest III-Part 3

With a Monarch's Voice Cry 'Havoc,' and Let Slip the Dogs of War

Continued from Part 2

49 days left

They arrive in Ulthar shortly before noon. Laoise reports they will be ready to invade tomorrow morning. Differel instructs Cuideog to take his spiders and join the Ghoul army on the Karchedon barges. She also asks Uilmheidhrea to be her liaison with the Punicae. She then departs on Saighlíne's barge with the girls, Kami, Ssas'sashu'ra, Victor, Morgiana, Ceara, Ubasti, and Capt. Ney and his Ghouls for the Moon, escorted by Karchedon chase boats. They arrive after a few hours. The boats create a diversion and allow Saighlíne to land in a mountainous area not far from the city. Ubasti castes an illusion to hide them, and Differel enters the city with the girls, Kami, Victor, and Ssas'sashu'ra to contact the real resistance, those who are true but haven't been caught yet. They are appalled to learn that their leader is a turn coat, and they agree to help to strike against the Moonbeasts. They hide them, then later report that there is an ambush planned. The cats will be lured into a large crater which will be flooded, drowning them. Differel decides to spring the trap. They go back to the barge to collect Ney, Morgiana, Ceara, and some explosives. The Leng Men partisans then lead them to where the trap will be sprung. A disguised dam has been built holding back the waters of a nearby mare. Troops have been assembled in the crater to act as bait. They overwhelm the small garrison guarding the dam, but as Differel expected, more troops surround them. Before they can be captured, however, those troops are assaulted by a force consisting of Cuideog and his spiders, cats, Ghouls, and Karchedon troops led by Tokoyo. As Differel had hoped, the Cat Queen had made separate plans out of earshot of her to foil the spy. At the same time, the cat army invades the Moon with Karchedon support. Leng Men, Moonbeasts, Atullian troops, and Saturn Cats are pushed back the unexpected early invasion and retreat to the crater to regroup. Differel sets the explosives, but the timer she rigged does not work. They have to be set off manually. Kami volunteers, but then the resistance leader who had betrayed them before appears and volunteers. He sets them off as Differel and Kami get away, and the waters flood the crater, drowning the assembled troops. Differel rallies the forces supporting their raid and they attack the city, liberating numerous Leng Men slaves. They then assault the city's command center, forcing the Atullian ambassador to flee. The Saturn Cats are also routed and forced to flee, and the Moonbeasts surrender.

Differel interrogates the Moonbeasts, but they can tell her nothing she doesn't already know. Elishat and the Cat Queen arrive, and they force the Moonbeasts to cede the entire light side and portions of the dark to the cats. However, the concessions are not as punitive as Differel would have made them. Kami remains behind to help the newly freed Leng Men establish their own independent city, and as part of the occupation force. The rest board Saighlíne's barge and rendezvous with Elishat's flagship. There Differel reveals what she knows about the spy, having narrowed it down to those who went to the Moon with her. However, the Cat Queen accuses her of being the spy. She is disarmed and arrested, and taken to a stateroom under guard. She acquiesces only because she has no choice.

The Queen tells Victor and the others that it really isn't Differel, but a substitute. Elishat commands Victor to eliminate her, and gives him an eyepiece that will allow him to see her true form. He goes to the stateroom with a couple of her pistols, and she accuses him of being the spy come to eliminate her now that she can no longer provide him with information. But he sees a creature clinging to her shoulder. Begging her to trust him, he shoots it off her as she holds still. The girls arrive with the Cat Queen; they take charge of the creature's body while the Queen explains that the dual deception was necessary.

Mandy informs the Atullian ambassador that her spy has been neutralized. He decides that the plan cannot know succeeds, and instead decides to negotiate a truce. He has Mandy held and puts her in the care of the military attaché.

48 days left

Sunny examines the creature the next morning, and discovers another ruby. Once she removes it, it reverts to the body of a skinned baby. Differel is now resolved more than ever to end this. Elishat reveals that the Atullian ambassador has asked for a meeting to discuss a truce. Differel believes it is a ruse to by Mandy time to complete her plan. However, she advises the queen to agree to the meeting. This is their chance to find out everything they don't know.

The flagship rendezvous with the ambassador's barge, while Saighlíne's barge hovers nearby hidden in an artificial cloudbank. The negotiations take a few hours, but finally the flagship drops down towards the sea while the Atullian barge heads south. Saighlíne's barge breaks cover and chases after it. It fires at them, but Ceara takes out its weapons. It starts to pull ahead, but they manage to cripple it. As they close, the ships exchange archery fire. Saighlíne's barge runs high over the Atullian barge and Differel leaps down followed by the spiders, Ghouls, and cats. Sunny goes next, shouting, "You wanna live forever?" to Eile. She replies, "It would be nice," but she follows her partner. The spiders secure silk lines and Punicae troops reppel down. They bring with them ropes that they tie to the railing, and then the ambassadorial barge is hauled up to Saighlíne's barge. The fighting is hard, but the spiders make the difference, and soon the barge is taken. The girls secure the ambassador before he can escape while Differel engages the military attaché. Mandy intervenes, taking the attaché, and escapes. While the wounded and the surviving Atullians are taken aboard Saighlíne's barge, and the Atullian barge is rigged for tow as a prize, Differel and the girls search for records. They find copies of plans that describe the conquest of the Six Kingdoms, and then the subsequent conquest of Ooth-Nargai, followed by Karchedon. They also find navigational charts that pinpoint the location of Mandy's operation: the city of Talleyrand.

47 days left

They arrive in Celephais at dawn. As a formality, Kuranes has them all arrested for violating the non-aggression pact, but they appeal to him and at their hearing they present their evidence. Kuranes concludes that the Atullians had played him false. He abrogates the pact, has the ambassador placed under house arrest, and frees the party, turning over the Atullian barge to them as a legitimate prize. Elishat and the Cat Queen had already arrived, and they meet with Kuranes, Stéise, and Tiarnadlí to hold a council of war. Meanwhile, the girls host the party at their mansion. They all agree that Talleyrand must be investigated to determine the extent of Mandy's preparations. However, Talleyrand is a nightmare city, so Differel and the girls decide they should go alone. Victor anticipates their plan and offers to fly them there.

46 days left

They leave before dawn and arrive in the vicinity of the city by noon. The city is surrounded by a high wall but with no gates. There do not seem to be any guards on the walls either. They scout the area and find the opening to a sewer. Victor agrees to stay behind while Differel and the girls enter that way. They fight off Wamps, then emerge into a alley. The city seems deserted, but as they explore, they encounter visions from their own nightmares. They manage to tough it out, but the encounters grow more frightening as they get nearer the center of the city. Finally they enter a small plaza and are assailed by Chiggers. Differel loses her nerve and flees, and the girls go after her as the Chiggers chase them. They trap them and Differel has a fit and goes catatonic as the girls are captured. They are taken to the central plaza, where Mandy and the military attaché awaits them. Mandy explains that her plan is very simple. She has been recruiting people in the Waking World for some weeks. They come to Talleyrand, where she gives them morbidun and then skins them to force them to take on the form of Chiggers. She implants a ruby into their bodies to make the form permanent. She has nearly finished creating her army. Once she is ready, she will make them drink the cunae juice, then unleash them. They will spread throughout the Dreamworld, and wherever they go, they will use the power of the cunae fruit to change it into an extension of the nightmare city of Talleyrand. All inhabitants will be changed into Chiggers, and her army and her influence will grow. Soon she will control the whole the Dreamlands, and thus be able to control Waking People through their dreams. She considers it ironic that the instrument of her triumph would be her own niece's worst nightmare. She then orders the girls to be processed. Eile is forced into stocks, her mouth forced open, and a Chigger prepares to pour morbidun down her throat.

Differel is running in terror through a maze, trying to find a way out as well as evade the monster tracking her. She can hear Eile and Sunny calling for help. She goes into a deadend, and the monster traps her: its Dracula. He berates her for her cowardice, for retreating into her mind to escape her fears. She states she is trying to get out, but cannot find the way. He tells her the way is within her. Her George Cross glows, and she becomes a five-year old, frightened to go to sleep. Mandy holds her in her arms and rocks her, singing to her, a song that explains how to clear her mind and gather strength. She starts singing the tune as the medal glows brighter. Her fear shrinks and disappears; she opens her eyes and finds herself surrounded by Chiggers. She continues to sing, and they too dwindle down to tiny size, and she steps on them.

Differel startles awake with Sunny's screams, and she sees Eile trapped. But her fear is gone, and the Chiggers look no worse to her than cockroaches. Summoning Caliburn, she attacks, frees the girls, and covers them as they collect their weapons. They then make a run for it, with Chiggers hot on their trail. They make it to the city wall; it is slanted on the inside and rough, so they decide to climb. They reach the top, take hold of Sunny's staff, and Victor swoops down on the hippogriff, which catches the staff, and bears them away as the Chiggers gain the top. They see a grand fleet of cloud barges, Ooth-Nargai and Karchedon alike, coming in to land on the plane, and they go to join them.

They give their report to the five leaders. They inform Differel that they have formed an alliance for the purpose of defeating Mandy. However, it is inefficient for a coalition to have five leaders, even if they work as a committee. Therefore, they have decided to appoint a dictator after the Roman fashion. This individual would have supreme executive and military command and judicial power for the duration of the crisis. This individual could rule by decree, would not be liable either during the appointment or after for any decisions or actions made, and who's decisions could not be appealed to a higher authority, not even the five leaders. The dictator can consult with them, but otherwise would be free to make whatever decisions seem best and necessary. The only restrictions would be a limited appointment and no power over money. Differel agrees with their decision, but warns of the danger that the dictator may try to seize power afterwards. They agree, and appoint her to the position. In their opinion she is the best qualified, but she will also be gone in less than seven weeks, thereby protecting them from her warned threat. Shocked and appalled, she at first refuses, but they convince her to accept. They allow her to appoint her own staff. She chooses the girls to be her adjutants; Saighlíne, Victor, Ney, Shadow-stalker, and Cuideog to be her liaisons with and commanders over the Ooth-Nargai, Punicae, Ghoul, cat, and spider armies; and Ssas'sashu'ra, Morgiana, Tokoyo, Ceara, and Ubasti to her personal staff.

After supper, she meets with her officers and they discuss what to do. Though direct attack has strong support, Differel chooses to besiege the city, especially after Ceara reveals she knows of a fire spell that could be used to sterilize the interior of the city. The city itself and its nightmarish inhabitants will survive, but any living creature like Mandy and the Chiggers should be incinerated. However, it will take time to prepare. They put together a plan of action and then retire. However, Differel tells Victor she prefers to be alone. He confides in the girls that he believes she feels betrayed by his actions in eliminating the spy.

45 days left

The next day, the Karchedon navy blockades Talleyrand's harbor, while the Ooth-Nargai aerial fleet patrols the skies. Differel arranges her ground forces in a three-layered defense. Humans and cats form the bulk of the ranks, with Ghouls interspersed among them and spiders placed with individual units in the front ranks. An Ooth-Nargai barge arrives later that morning with more spiders, allowing Differel to have a massed heavy assault presence. She orders the construction of siege works, but they will take a week to complete. Ceara will be ready in just a couple of days, but the spell is untried, so she cannot guarantee success. That afternoon, pickets report the approach of a large Atullian force, air, sea, and land. A flagship approaches and calls for a parley. The military attaché is the commander, and she states they have come to support their ally, Talleyrand. She demands the coalition disband and leave the area, or her forces will attack. Her forces are equal to the coalition's, but they will have to split their forces to deal with the Atullians while maintaining the siege. And if Mandy chose that time to break out, they would be caught in a vise between two powerful foes. Differel begs leave to consult with the leaders. She plans to ask their advice, but they surprise her by asking for hers. She states that whether they are overwhelmed here or wait to be overwhelmed in their own lands, they are just as dead. At least here and now they have a chance. The leaders decide to remain and fight. The attaché leaves, and the Atullian barges begin off-loading troops. The Ooth-Nargai aerial forces with their battle rokhs and the ground forces harass them, but they cannot divert enough forces to stop the formation. Reinforcements are expected from Ooth-Nargai and Karchedon, but they won't arrive for a few days; they are effectively on their own. Differel suspects they will be ready to attack at dawn. She holds another war council, sets up the battle lines, and issues orders. She then arranges for a feast, the proverbial last meal.

The girls corner Differel after the feast. They tell her how she hurt Victor, and she is surprised to learn that he thinks she no longer trusts him. In fact, her desire to be alone was because she didn't want him to see how frightened and uncertain she really was. This crisis reminds her of the Fomorian invasion of England, and she is afraid that she is not up to this challenge either. The girls remind her of what Cailleach Beara had told her in the Underworld, that she can only wear medals that she truly deserves. As if in agreement, the George Cross glows brightly. They also tell her that if Victor truly loves her, he will not be ashamed of her fear and self-doubt, and if she loves him, she will let me support her. Besides, love is the best cure for fear and self-doubt. She goes looking for Victor and finds him tending his hippogriff. She unburdens her soul to him, and she is gratified to see him looking at her with love and pride. The hippogriff head-butts him and pushes him into her, and the embrace and kiss as the medal engulfs them in pure light. They then retire to her tent.

44 days left

Differel and her council awaken before dawn and join the troops. Eile and Sunny surprise her with a standard they had made, that depicts the George Cross. Eile and Ubasti command skirmisher units that will seek to harass the Atullians behind their lines; Tokoyo and Sunny have organized archer units and placed them on the backs of the larger spiders. Ssas'sashu'ra and Morgiana organize units of medics. The Aullian forces attack at dawn as Differel expected. They concentrate on the naval blockade and the ground forces. The barges are forced to help the galleys and cannot protect the ground troops from aerial bombardment. Casualties are heavy as the battle rages back and forth for several hours. Differel is forced to weaken the siege lines to bring in reinforcements. The unexpected appearance of Elatha and a force of Fomorians on dragons provides relief from the bombardment, but it comes too late. Even as they are pushed back against the city walls, a swarm of skycraft of unknown type dart in. Some engage the Atullian barges and galleys, and some strafe the Atullian troops; they rest discharge hundreds of warriors. At the head of them is Medb. They break the back of the Atullian offensive. The barges and galleys are driven off, and the ground troops flee into the city, through an opening in the wall that closes once they have gotten through.

As the dead and wounded are collected and either burned or cared for, Medb meets with Differel and the leaders, and introduces them to the Tuatha Dé Danann mercenaries she hired. When Medb understands the arrangement, she declines to become a leader and instead places herself and the Dananns under Differel's command. At a subsequent war council, Differel expects that the next move will be to try a break out and overwhelm with the Chigger army. Though their forces are depleted, they have no choice but to try to hold them off until Ceara is ready. But since the breakout could occur at any time, they sleep in shifts.

43 days left

Nothing happens for much of the morning, and the tension becomes mixed with boredom. But when Ceara announces that she is ready, the walls open up and Chiggers pour out, led by the remaining Atullians. Differel orders Victor to take Ceara up over the city as she rushes to the front. There she sees that if a Chigger hits or bites anyone, they transform into a Chigger and join the mob. The line begins to falter, until Differel runs out in front of it, attacking the Chiggers head on and alone. Eile and Sunny run to support her, followed by Ney and his Ghouls, and Medb and the Dananns. This encourages others to follow in a death-charge. The military attaché confronts Differel and they duel to the death. At a point where the attaché seems to get the upper hand, a huge fireball erupts inside the city. Flames shoot out of the wall openings, incinerating Chiggers.

Victor flies Ceara over the city, dodging shots from Atullian barges. Much to his surprise, Ceara throws herself off the hippogriff. She turns to flame as she hurtles downward, but before she hits the ground, she appears to explode. Victor veers off, but is caught in the shockwave and thrown away. The hippogriff tumbles, but is caught by a rokh being ridden by Medb. The rokh rides the thermals of the upwelling fireball and makes it clear. It then drops Victor and the hippogriff behind the lines.

Ceara appears from out of the conflagration, her body living fire, as she mows down Chiggers left and right. The attaché is distracted, hesitates, then turns to run, but Differel is on top of her in an instant and cuts her down. The city walls close, containing the fire, but also trapping all remaining Chiggers inside, along with Mandy.

Mopping goes into the afternoon. The Chiggers are tenacious, but finally the last are destroyed. However, the victory is close to being Pyrrhic, with coalition forces devastated. Differel remarks that one more victory like the last two, and Mandy would have won. Mandy appears and attacks Differel, almost killing her, but the George Cross creates a barrier and Differel uses it to destroy her dream body.

42 days left

By the next day the dead have all been disposed of, the wounded who can be cared for have been moved to barges to be taken back to their respective countries, cities, or regions, and the leaders disband the coalition. Differel officially resigns as dictator, much to her own relief. She suddenly feels tired and wants to rest. The party makes one last journey together as they accompany Differel and the girls on their return with Kuranes to Ooth-Nargai. Victor's position as Ooth-Nargai ambassador is made permanent, and he goes with them. They go to the girls' mansion, and after a meal and a bath, Differel retires to her room and collapses onto the bed from exhaustion.

41 days left

(Kuranes invites Differel, the girls, Victor, and the party members to a state ceremony.)

40 days left

In Serannian, Kuranes holds a state ceremony to commemorate the victory and honor the fallen. The leaders are all there, as are all the members of Differel's party, past and present; even Elatha and Bres were invited, because of their last minute help. After a brief speech by Kuranes, and a not so brief religious ceremony, there is a feast, and then royal audience. Kuranes, Elishat, and the Cat Queen hand out rewards for gallantry. Kuranes names Uilmheidhrea, Kami, Ssas'sashu'ra, Morgiana, Tokoyo, Karella, Ceara, Ubasti, Cuideog, and Leanabécne Citizens of Celephais. Medb and Victor, who are already Citizens, are Knighted. Eile and Sunny, already Knights, are named Lords Marshall of Ooth-Nargai, the highest knightly honor. Saighlíne, already a Lord Marshall, is elevated to the peerage as Baroness Áirdenté. Throughout the whole process, Differel seems to be ignored, and she is turn between relief and disappointment. However, once everyone else has been dispensed with, Differel is called to the dais, where Elatha joins the other leaders. Elatha names her Defender of Hazuth-Kleg, a dubious honor at best, but it at least allows her to deal with the Fomorians on a more or less equal basis. Of greater value is Tiarnadlí naming her Spider-Friend. Technically this would allow her to pass safely through any spider enclave, but nothing is ever certain with them. Stéise makes her an honorary member of the Ghoul race, again allowing her to treat with and dwell among Ghouls in both the Dreamlands and the Waking World. The Cat Queen bestows feline patronage on her, granting her support and protection, but also requiring her to render services for them as needed. Elishat names her Paladin, not quite a knight in the formal sense and not a peerage as she would understand it, but still recognized as the lowest rank of Punicae nobility.

Finally, Kuranes steps forward. He states that there are no awards he can offer that are greater than those she has already received in the Waking World, but there are four that can match them. He names her Citizen of Celephais; he names her Knight of Celephais; he names her Lord Marshall; and he bestows upon her the Order of Cornwall. The last is the highest honor in Ooth-Nargai. It has not been awarded for 250 years, and no one in the history of Ooth-Nargai has ever held all four honors at once. He presents The Lord Marshall Lady Differel Van Helsing, OC, to cheers and applause, but the girls are close enough to see that, while she appears to stand regal and proud, there is a trace of embarrassment on her face. After this, a ball begins, and after Differel spends her time in the receiving line, greeting the other guests and receiving their congratulations, she and Victor spend all the time together.

Afterwards, in the home of Medb's daughter Finnabair, Differel cracks a joke about being weighed down by all the honors heaped upon her. Medb and the girls can commiserate; they have the same honors except the OC, but one gets used to them. The real honor is the respect of those she has saved; the real burden is living up to it. She rationalizes that at least she will only have to endure for another two score days, but she does wonder what to do with the time. Victor offers a solution: he gets down on one knee, presents her with a ring, and asks her to marry him. Flabbergasted, she at first demurs, since soon she will never see him again, but the girls explain in a mischievous manner that that may not be the case; the Waking World Medb can make it possible for her to return. Victor repeats his question, and Differel opens her mouth to reply . . .

Epilog

In the Waking World, Medb declares that it is finished. Dracula assumes she means they will be waking up, but she corrects him, saying they still have over five hours to go. She meant they averted the crisis. He asks how she knows and she says in a mischievous manner that she was there. He asks if she can awaken them. She replies that she cannot; the potion must run its course. Besides, she adds in an enigmatic manner, they have more to accomplish.

Synopsis: Charnel Inspiration (a Team Girl Alternative Reality story)

Eile Chica is an artist living in Cairnsford. She is locally famous for her nudes of her model Sunny, who is also her lover. She is represented by gallery owner Differel, who cheats her by selling her work for a lot of money but paying her very little.

One day Sunny reveals she has to go away and won't be coming back. When Eile asks her why, she explains about the ghouls. She then states that she is a ghoul-child and will soon be undergoing her transformation. Eile begs her not to leave her, and Sunny agrees to come back and continue posing for her. Over the next few months Eile's portraits show Sunny's progress, and when the transformation is complete, Eile begins painting the ghoulish lifestyle. Though many people are turned off by her new 'style', critics deem her new work to be more powerful, and her paintings start selling for more money, but Differel still cheats her.

Curious as to where Eile is getting her inspiration, Differel follows her one night as she goes out to the cemetery. There she sees Eile greeting a number of ghouls, and directing them to pose. A ghoul surprises her, and in the scuffle she shoots and wounds Eile. Sunny attacks and kills her. To save Eile's life, the ghouls take her into their warren, but in the process of healing she begins to transform and must stay. Sunny and the ghouls steal paints and canvases for her, and she continues her work.

Ancient Roman Eateries

I am planning a number of stories that will take place in ancient Rome: some will involve Medb hErenn as she participates in the founding of the empire and influences its first century; the rest will be time travel stories featuring Team Girl and Differel. As such, I have been doing a fair amount of research to try to get cultural details right. In this series of posts, I would like to pass on some of what I’ve learned.

I should point out that, while my stories will take place in specific time periods, for the most part the civilization they describe would more accurately be called Ancient Grome. This is the trope name for a fictional setting that mixes ancient Greece and Rome (hence, GReece-rOME, or Grome) from various periods into a mishmashed version of the Imperial City. The reasons are varied, but mostly it’s due in part to research failure (I don’t have the kinds of detailed sources that track cultural styles through the ages), missing information (we just don’t know everything about Rome), and a case of Reality Is Unrealistic (for the most part an audience expects to see Ancient Grome, and would consider a more realistic depiction as inaccurate).

Having said that, the roughly 150-year period between Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, and 100 AD, is the period most people are familiar with, thanks to Hollywood and television (and to some extent Christianity), and it’s what they tend to imagine when they think of ancient Rome. Even earlier periods, such as the revolt of Spartacus, or later ones, such as the reign of Commodus, tend to be depicted in a manner more reminiscent of the early empire than their own times. This is partially justifiable in that much of our archaeological evidence comes from this period, especially the ruins of Pompeii and Herculaneum, which were destroyed when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD. The level of preservation, especially in Pompeii, is such that we can get a very clear picture of Roman culture from that time.

To begin with, let’s see how a Roman in a town ate; that is, where he went to eat. If he was a patrician, he ate in his home, which had a kitchen, or attended small dinner parties or large banquets hosted by his friends. If, however, he was a plebeian, he lived in a unit in an apartment block, and such usually didn’t have their own kitchens. He could grill or cook pot stews over a brazier, but ventilation would be a problem, and they were fire hazards. If he was lucky, the building might have a communal kitchen he could use. If not, he had to eat out.

Since in that time the wealthy had their own chefs or cooks, dining out was restricted to the lower classes and generally looked down upon by their betters (though that didn’t stop them from grabbing a quick bite during the day at a more reputable, higher-class establishment). Part of the reason was that the typical eatery was frequented by prostitutes and often supported gambling, so they were seen as high-crime districts. The other part was the simplicity of the food offered: bread, olives, nuts and other dried foods, stews, cheap wines, and such. Not to mention the best reason of all: plain ordinary snobbery. Even so, the typical plebeian did have the advantage that often an eatery would be located on the ground floor of his apartment building, while others would be close by in other blocks. (He could also buy his own food to keep in his unit, but that is a topic for another post.)

The simplest form of eatery was the thermopolium (plural, thermopolia). It consisted of a store with a wide entrance and a front counter. The counter was solid masonry with built-in pots that held dry food and jugs of wine. Its construction insulated the pots to keep their contents cool. Thermopolia were more like wine bars, in that customers primarily stopped by to drink hot spiced wine, the Roman equivalent of coffee; the dry foods were mostly served as snacks. If there was room, however, there might be a kitchen in the back, in which case the thermopolium would also serve stew from pots stored in the counter (the insulation could also keep it warm).

Next up was the caupona (plural, cauponae). It was otherwise identical to a thermopolium, except it had tables and stools behind the counter and was more likely to serve hot food. Cauponae were more like modern fast-food chains, featuring either carryout or in-store eating for convenience.

After this came the popina (plural, popinae). It was essentially a caupona with a larger eating area in the back of the shop. It almost always had a kitchen and served primarily hot food; not just stew, but also simple dishes. Popinae were more like cafes, and some had rooms for rent on an upper floor, though these may have been slave quarters or even rooms for prostitutes to use.

Finally, the taberna (plural, tabernae) was simply a larger version of a popina, and almost always had sleeping rooms on upper floors. Tabernae were essentially taverns or inns and could be found alongside roads as well as in towns (but this is also a topic for another post).

I should note at this point that, since the basic design of these establishments was essentially the same for all, assigning a label to a set ruins can be subjective, so shops called thermopolia could more closely resemble popinae, and vice versa. Also, the terms “caupona” and “taberna” had multiple uses, so an establishment referred to as a taberna might not serve food at all, but instead be a laundry. (More about this in a future post.)

Finally, you could ask if Roman towns had the equivalent of “street vendors”. I have found no evidence that they did, but neither have I found any evidence that they didn’t. Personally, I find it hard to believe that some freeman’s wife or widow of a centurion didn't set up a booth or operate a cart, offering wine, bread, and grilled meat to hungry travelers, tradesmen, or soldiers, to help make ends meet.

The Revenge of Dumb Sunny Jokes

Q: How do you get Sunny to change her mind?

A: Blow into her ear.

=====

Q: How did Sunny spell the word "farm"?

A: "E-I-E-I-O."

=====

Sunny is crawling through the burning desert.

"Water! Water!"

She sees a sign: Fresh water 1/4 mile. And an arrow points to the right.

"Alright, I'm saved!"

Then she sees another sign: 1/2 Price Sale! 221 mi. And an arrow points to the left.

Sunny turns left.

=====

Sunny goes to a wishing well.

"I wish for...intelligence, logic, and driving skills!"

POOF!

She turns into Eile.

=====

Eile and Sunny sit in a comedy club listening to a comic make nonstop dumb blonde jokes.

Sunny just sits there smiling.

"What's with you, ya ditz? You haven't gotten mad once."

"Oh, I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes anymore, 'cause I know I'm not dumb."

"Good for you."

"I also know I'm not blonde!"

"What?!?"

=====

Eile and Sunny take Differel to the mall.

Differel asks Sunny, "Do you have a pet store in this mall?"

"Oh, no, I love 'em all!"

Eile and Differel both slap her upside the head.

=====

Eile and Sunny get a sundial for their back yard.

Sunny says, "Great! Now we can tell the time whenever, even at night!"

"It doesn't work as night, ya ditz."

"It doesn't? Why not?"

Eile rolls her eyes. "'Cause ya can't see the dial."

"Well, then, if we get floodlights, we can see the dial. Then we can tell the time at night!"

"Heh, I oughta smack you."

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Differel is examining the books in Team Girl's library when Sunny walks in.

"You certainly have a large collection. Which are your favorites?"

"Oh, I like the gold ones!"

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Sunny gives Differel a bottle of her blonde hair dye.

"Warning: Can cause dizziness. Hmph. So that's it."

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"Hey, Eile! Why do they make dumb blonde jokes so short?"

"I dunno, Sunny, why do they make dumb blonde jokes so short?"

"So brunettes can remember them!"

"Heh, good one, ya ditz."