Xan West's Blog, page 5

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

As a heads up, this post will discuss consent in BDSM at length and with nuance, and will reference an abusive BDSM relationship briefly, without giving details.

A few words about safewords

Some kinky folks absolutely believe that safewords are necessary across the board for everyone. Some believe that it might be different with experienced players or long term relationships, but that safewords are absolutely required for play with novices and at the beginning of play with a new partner.

I think that the question of safewords, like most issues around consent, is nuanced & complex.

Safewords do not ensure consent or clear communication. And that’s the core issue: consent and clear communication. Safewords are one tool that can help some people get there (as are negotiation checklists), but they are no shortcut, or guarantee. (And I think a lot of people think of them as both, or use them in place of negotiated consent and efforts to communicate.)

I have been in BDSM relationships where I was being abused. I had a safeword, and it did not protect me from being abused and having my consent violated. We did a checklist too, where I clearly stated my limits. That didn’t protect me either. Safewords and checklists do not ensure consent, and can be used as false symbols for it.

In my experience, rigidity around these things as the “one true way” to do consent and “good/safe BDSM” sets folks up to look to them as a symbol of safety instead of holding an ethic of consent and communication as the center of what they are looking for.

A checklist does not good negotiation make. A safeword is only useful if you actually feel free to use it and it is respected. A no would do just fine in its place, if you feel free to use it and it is respected. And valuing a yes, respecting the need for yes, for openly communicating desire, for verbal confirmation that someone wants what you are about to do, still wants it while it’s occurring, feels even more important to me personally than the absence of a no.

Safewords are needed when you are doing play where someone wants to say no or stop without things stopping or easing off. Safe signals (of the non-verbal sort) are needed when verbal communication is impossible (say because someone is gagged or cannot speak).

Other than that, it depends on the people and how they communicate and do consent. So, let’s talk consent and negotiation models, shall we?

Consent models

There are many different ways that folks navigate consent, and which ones feel appropriate often depend on what activities are being consented to, the context, the relationship between the people, the intensity of power exchange involved, and the individuals themselves (experience level, communication styles, comfort talking about sex and kink, and trauma histories may all play a role). Some common considerations amongst consent models often gather around these questions:

How mutual is the consent?
How continual is the consent?
How explicit is the consent?

Here’s a diagram I use when I’m teaching BDSM negotiation that lays consent practices out loosely on a spectrum based on a combination of these questions.

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Many people are uncomfortable with both ends of the spectrum and fall in the middle somewhere much of the time. Safewords as a main consent practice is actually fairly far from mutual and continual consent. (Note their place on the spectrum.) There are ways to modify that, by doing check-ins at several points throughout play, and by all parties having safewords (both of which are rather unusual in everyday BDSM practices relying of safewords for consent). Safewords are somewhat about explicit consent, especially if there is a query practice around it, but they are more of a way to communicate no if needed, not a way to directly say what you want. (This can be modified through adding negotiation, which I will get in a bit.)

In contrast, the consent practice laid out in this post is more explicit and mutual than safewords. It also lays out navigating consent from both ends of the question, something that safeword practices rarely do, and emphasizes yes rather than no. Which is a great segue to the next consideration about consent practices.

Are we looking for an affirmative (yes-focused consent) or a negative (no-focused consent) version of consent? Again, this varies depending on a bunch of factors. If I worry that someone might go along with something they don’t really want, I might want to hear or see a clear signal of a yes for a particular activity or dynamic. If I am worried about crossing lines without knowing it, I might really need to have a clear no signal. If I struggle to articulate my desires out loud, I might want consent that’s focused on making room for my refusal because otherwise I worry we won’t ever get to the things I want. If I want to be clear to my partner that I really desire the activities plan, I might want to focus on more affirmative consent practices. Maybe I want both a clear no signal and continual affirmative consent!

There are some activities that folks in BDSM communities commonly think of as needing explicit (often prior) affirmative consent (i.e. a yes must be clear, the absence of a safeword or a no will not do). This includes most forms of edge play (whether we are talking something like blood sports or breath play or we are talking about psychological edge play like humiliation play or consensual non-consent), and also generally includes more intense SM practices like rough body play, more intense bondage practices like long term bondage and suspension, and common taboos like piss play, face slapping or age play. (Community norms vary around these things, of course.) So, even when folks don’t do a lot of explicit negotiation, they often will ask about these kinds of things if they are interested in doing them. And even if they regularly do them with a particular long term partner, they often check in to see if the partner is up for them right now. People (including tops) may have a deeper or more complex set of consent practices around this kind of play (for example, folks who do not regularly use safewords/safe signals may decide to use them for these activities). For a more concrete example, I laid out my own consent practices as a top around intimate sadism in a prior post.

Negotiation Models

Of course, BDSM negotiation can include a lot more than getting explicit consent for particularly risky and taboo activities. And there are so many different ways to negotiate. One of the most commonly espoused versions is the yes/no/maybe checklist. The scenario often is that a top (or tops) hands it to a bottom, and the bottom fills it out. And then the top(s) craft a scene based on this information, sometimes after discussing it with the bottom, sometimes not.

Checklists are a useful tool, but they aren’t the only way to negotiate kink and they are no shield from abusive behavior. (I can attest to this from personal experience.) Here are some options I offer when I teach BDSM negotiation.

Limited Set: One party (often the top) lays out a set of choices (easy to do with SM tools if that’s the sort of play you are doing). Within these choices, the other party selects the ones they want. This is a great in person option for pick up play, but can also be built into a ritual for long time play partners.

“Pick three things you want me to hurt you with tonight.”

“That paddle, the nipple clamps, and the crop.”

Flirtation/Seduction/Tempting: One party describes what they want to do, and asks for consent. This can easily be done via email or text.

“I really want to feel your belt tonight. Can I please?”

Mutual Scheming: Egging each other on, focused on desires, plotting fun. This can easily be done via text or chat as well.

 “I’d love to do a scene where I get to resist.”

 “Oh that sounds fun, maybe a role play?”

Graduated or continual consent: Getting verbal consent at every stage, with every activity. This is done as the scene progresses. This often leans toward affirmative consent, sometimes made hotter through the introduction of begging. I have personally found doing this through begging especially useful for D/s oriented play with survivors where I want to establish ongoing continual consent for my own peace of mind, without continual check ins of a more formal variety (which some survivors really hate because they feel like it’s treating them like they don’t know their own mind).

“If you want to lick my boots, you are going to have to ask me for it.”

Checklists: exchanging lists of limits/desires, or one list from one party (usually the bottom). This can also be done without a formal checklist, and can be done verbally as well, but it’s a frequent choice for folks who struggle to say things out loud, and who want suggestions laid out for them instead of having to come up with language on their own.


Conditional consent: anything can happen if X condition is met. Can be easily done via text or email.

“As long as you don’t leave marks, you can do anything to my chest, but leave the rest of me alone.”

Off Limits: you can do anything but X, Y, and Z (however long the list of limits, it can definitely be more than 3). Can be easily done via text or email.

“My limits are scat, blood, role play, breath play, humiliation and tickling. Anything but that is a possibility.”

Porn/fantasy sharing: telling/writing/reading stories, describe desires/fantasies. This often needs a bit more discussion, but can be a great way to jump in, and can be easily done via text or email.


Absence of Refusal is Consent: establishing safewords/safe signals/explicit no, assumed yes til you get a clear no or safeword. This is often explicitly agreed upon pre-play or an existing agreement between long term partners. There are also common community safewords used in public play spaces (“safeword” and “red” are often the house safeword and definitely recognizable to other experienced players around), and folks may decide to use these instead of coming up with their own personalized safeword. This can be combined with other negotiation strategies listed above.

“Owwwww!”

“Owwwww is not a safeword.” *continues activity*

Multiple safewords/safe signals: red, yellow, green, safewords for multiple aspects of activities (e.g. if I say x, untie me but otherwise keep going).  This is more likely to include ongoing check-ins throughout a scene, and requires negotiation of the safewords. This can be combined with other negotiation strategies listed above.

“What color are you?”

“Green, Ma’am!”

What kind of negotiation model you select depends on context, your relationship with the folks involved, fit with communication style and activity (e.g. some people like negotiating roleplay on a different day from play over email because then they can sink into character when the scene time comes), the particular scene you want to do, and the individuals involved.

One thing to note is that negotiation does not always culminate in agreement to play. Folks may find they are not compatible, or that they are not up for what they negotiated and change their minds, or that after talking about their desires they don’t want to act on them. There is a space between naming desire and action, and I care about holding this space very much. (In fact, I wrote an essay about it.)

Including consent and negotiation in BDSM fiction

Some folks write BDSM fiction with the intention of depicting a fantasy. They don’t want it to be realistic, they want to play with kinky desire and fantasy in a way that’s less concerned with the kind of consent and negotiation and safety that people care about in the real world. Common examples of this include depictions of mind-reading/telepathic dominants, dungeons that have built in hierarchies where there is a top dom who rules them all, insta-D/s with a “true submissive”, god-chosen masochist sex workers, fantasy organizations providing and training consenting slaves, magic forcing people to act on their kinky desires, abduction and servitude fantasy stories, etc. This kind of fiction rarely pretends to be realistic, and is not my personal cuppa, though I have enjoyed some of it. My feeling is that if you want to write about kink in a way that’s not realistic, as long as you make it clear that it’s not reality based, go to town. (And be up for the criticism you might get for not caring about consent.) Ideally it will still draw from real kink experiences. (Many of the stories I alluded to are clearly written by folks who did good research about what it feels like to do the kinks they depicted, including many folks that are active in kink communities).

By the way, this is not about genre. I’ve read fantasy that does very much value consent in the kink practices it depicts and engages with the idea of consent within the context of magical SM. I’ve read science fiction that presents a clearly consensual service based D/s relationship. This is about whether folks are choosing to write BDSM in a way that’s about depicting a fantasy of kink, or about depicting realistic kink, whatever the genre.

I choose to write realistic kink. Because I care about depicting the kink life and communities I’m connected to. Because I care about modeling consent and negotiation for readers, in multiple different ways. Because I looked to fiction to understand BDSM and my own kinky desires, and I wish I’d been able to access more realistic kink fiction back then.

Just as I think consent and communication are complex and nuanced in life, I want them complex and nuanced in my BDSM fiction. I don’t want all kink to follow the same prescriptive model of checklist + safeword=consent. That prescriptive model didn’t work for me as a novice; it gave me a false sense of safety and led me to conclude a top was worth trusting because they did those things instead of assessing that myself, practicing my own discernment.

I am particularly tired of this model being presented as the “one true way” to do kink in fiction when that fiction rarely depicts characters saying no or safewording, what that’s like, what happens when you do, the kind of things we need when scenes end abruptly. Though while I am on the subject, there are a few examples of characters saying no that I want to draw your attention to, as it is so rare, and I think writers ache for models:

A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power by Rose Lemberg (out spring 2017) engages thoroughly with the complexities of consent and one of the pivotal scenes revolves around one of the characters saying no.
Between the Shores edited by T.C. Mill and Alex Freeman is an anthology of erotica centered around the theme of one of the characters saying no or using a safeword.
Always Be You by RoAnna Sylver is one of the best depictions I’ve seen of the kind of complex consent conversation that can happen when someone says stop, and though it’s not a kink story, it’s really worth a read for kink writers, because of the way it engages with consent.

So what do I want from kink fiction? I want an abundance of careful and thoughtful explorations of consent and communications around BDSM. What can that look like? Well, here’s a starting list of ideas:

Complex explorations of consent that don’t make it seem easy or simple.
Negotiations occurring mid-scene.
Shifting D/s dynamics nudging characters to talk again about what they want or how they are going to manifest the change they envision into reality.
Group scenes needing to pause because one character doesn’t have all the information they need to respect another characters limits.
Scenes where consent accidents occur and need to be attended to.
Characters trying to make their cyber scene an in person reality and realizing midway they can’t take that much pain and they need to adjust expectations and communicating about that.
Survivors taking time between negotiation and play to make sure they are really up for what they said yes to.
Characters saying no and it winding up feeling positive and good for everyone.
Characters processing the last scene so the next scene is better.
Autistic characters who go non-verbal in the middle of negotiation or the middle of play, and the characters figure out a way to ensure consent and for play to continue.
Tops using their safeword. Hell, tops establishing a safeword at all.
Continual affirmative consent as part of BDSM play.
Characters sitting back to back after pausing play so that they can be touching as they text to each other about where they want to take the scene because text based communication works better for one or all of them.
Mutual scheming leading to hot things happening.
Negotiation established entirely through texting or email.
Continual check ins during play.
D/s that’s negotiated on a scene by scene basis.
Characters establishing a safe signal before play precisely because one of the characters is likely to go non-verbal amidst play.
Tops getting supported by the bottom by asking for confirmation (a non-verbal signal, perhaps) from the bottom during play that pushes the top’s edges.
Characters building a scene based on porn they love and needing to adjust it in the moment.
A submissive leading the negotiation conversation and really insisting on the dominant’s explicit consent.
Characters misreading each other during play, calling the scene when they figure it out, and processing.
Characters saying no to the current activity and finding something else to do.
Characters getting triggered and safewording, taking a break to attend to themselves and discussing whether they can return to play.
Tops talking about how they are feeling pressured and asking bottoms to ease off.

I don’t want BDSM fiction that acts as if Kink 101 “rules” for the “one true way” we do “good BDSM” are a substitute for characters caring about consent and working toward clear communication. I want BDSM fiction that moves from a real place, and shows real people honoring each other’s consent, and yes, sometimes that looks like safewords, and sometimes it looks like direct communication in the form of “my back’s hurting in a bad way” or “we need to stop”, and sometimes that looks like a D/s dynamic that’s confirmed by a ritual all parties choose every day, and sometimes that looks like a focus on yes or a demand that the character name what ze wants in order to get it.

Tagged: abusive BDSM relationships, BDSM, BDSM erotica, BDSM romance, communication, consent, kink, kink community, negotiation, no, safewords, trauma, yes

An excerpt from Claiming

I thought I would share an excerpt from a story I’m working on that’s tentatively titled “Claiming” about the crush that got away, who just might be back again. It’s a butch/femme story, about two fat queer women, one bisexual, one queer identified, written from the butches point of view. I’ve been thinking a lot these days about writing butches and writing fat heroines, so I pulled out this story again. It feels tender to me, especially the beginning, which focuses on the experience of a butch having a crush on a femme, a crush that lingers years later. So I decided to share it with you. Well, the beginning, at least.

(As a heads up, this excerpt references kink, but does not include a scene.)

The first femme I ever fell for was Katie Ballard. Hell, she was the first femme I ever knew. She had huge blue eyes, blonde hair that fell to her shoulders, and one of the most tempting mouths I’d ever seen. Her voice was raw silk, all soft and gliding with a bit of roughness in her Mississippi drawl. She had so much gender it grabbed my breath. The kind of high femme who was always dressed to the nines regardless of the context.

One time, in my third year of college, she showed up for our American Studies class in a black leather corset, tight black pencil skirt, seamed stockings, and open-toed heels. I just about swallowed my tongue. I don’t think I heard a word the professor said that day. All I could do was focus on breathing as her thigh pressed into mine. The seats were tiny in that room, too small even for my mid-sized fatness, much less her gloriously large ass. I always came home with marks from the arms in my sides, but that day I didn’t even notice the chair hurting me. Katie had this habit of sticking her pen in her mouth that just undid me. With the warmth of her pressed into my side, my eyes couldn’t stop looking at her mouth, just aching for the moment when, deep in thought, she’d put the pen between her lips. 

Katie was the kind of submissive that was often mistaken for a dominant. She moved through the world so deeply in her own power that if you didn’t know her, you’d guess that she’d welcome worship only from a lucky select few. She knew she was a force of nature, and owned it.

I remember once we were at the drag ball, and she was in this amazing cobalt sequined dress, rocking the way high femme dyke and drag were sisters. This trio of drag queens started talking about her dress and how amazing it was, calling out compliments from several feet away—compliments all focused on her dress. She turned on her heel and met their gaze and told them that they must have misspoken. The dress wasn’t gorgeous, she was gorgeous in the dress. Then she took my arm and into the ball we went, to the sound of their appreciative noises. She demanded respect with this tremendous ferocity that floored me.

I met Katie when I was a freshman in college and was still clinging to the hope that because I was attracted to men I might not be queer. (I ignored the fact that most of the men I was attracted to were queer themselves.) It didn’t take very long for me to let go of straightness and come out as bisexual. When I told Katie I was queer, she gave me a secret smile and just said, “I know.”

“How did you know? How could you have known when I didn’t know?”

“Because of how you looked at me when we first met.”

I gulped. “How did I look at you?”

Her smile deepened as she tossed her hair and held my gaze. “Like you wanted to eat me up.”

I ducked my head, sure I was turning bright red. And changed the subject. She felt so far out of my league I couldn’t even consider making a move.

I never did make a move. By the time I felt ready, she had a girlfriend. I’d missed my shot.

I lost touch with her when she moved back South. When I think of her, it’s her voice that I sink into, the languorous drawl of it. I interviewed her for my thesis project on white queer women and race, and since I transcribed the interviews myself, I listened to her voice over and over as I wrote it, attending to her phrasing. It’s a different way to connect, to learn someone, and I soaked it up. Her voice stuck inside me, the first femme I ever knew, the first real live kinky person I met, the crush that I’d wished was in my league for so many years.

So when I saw the girl in Union Square Park who looked so much like her, I had to talk to her. Was it possible that Katie had moved to my city and I had just happened across her? I said her name, hoping. She looked up, and I wasn’t sure whether it was her. I said her name again, holding my breath waiting for her to respond.

Tagged: bisexual characters, butch characters, butch femme dynamic, butch/femme, Claiming, crush, D/s, excerpts, f/f, fat, fat characters, femme characters, queer, queer women

Fat Heroines in M/F Romance

It’s hard to find a good m/f romance centering a fat heroine. Mostly what I find is characters with lots of self-loathing, who diet continuously, cover up immediately after sex, and assume that the hero doesn’t really want them or that a thin woman is going to steal him. Sometimes, if I get lucky, the sex is really hot. Sometimes they learn to accept their size through the love of a good man (or in at least one case, men). Sometimes they get bullied or harassed for being fat, often to rescued by the hero. Sometimes they lose weight. I think of these as fat negative romances. Despite the happy endings, they reinforce fatphobia. Sure she may learn to trust he actually wants her by the end, but the bulk of the story is mired in fatphobia.

I’m going to talk about three m/f romances centering fat heroines that I particularly appreciate. They all have something in common: they are funny, lighthearted fluff. Which frankly I really need in my reading life these days.

I fell hard for Bet Me, by Jennifer Crusie, years ago, and reread it about once a year. It’s hilarious, and charming, and extremely well written. The fat heroine is smart, angry, sexy, and complicated. The hero is a complex, nuanced character and she sees right through his charm. The dialogue is zingy like a 30s romantic comedy directed by Howard Hawks, and the sex is really hot. There’s this great chosen family. It’s a fun retelling of the Cinderella story. And there’s a scene with a donut that I won’t spoil for you, but it’s wonderful.

There’s just one big problem: fatphobia. The fat heroine has a pretty intense amount of self-loathing around being fat. And she’s constantly dieting. Plus she has a mother who is emotionally abusive in intensely fatphobic ways. Sure, she eventually stops dieting and learns to love her body and know she’s sexy (because the hero shows her how). Plus the scenes where Min actually eats and enjoys food are pretty damn satisfying. And the scenes where she stands up to her mom are great. But you have to slog through all that fatphobia to get there.

It’s a cut above most fat negative romances. The story doesn’t buy into dieting at all, it counters it. It doesn’t buy into her self-loathing, but challenges it frequently. She gets described as sexy and fat over and over, in luscious detail, but not in a fetishizing way. You get to see her enjoy eating. You get to see her triumph over her mother’s fatphobia. The story is complex and not mostly focused on her self-loathing around being fat. But still…the fatphobia is rampant and everywhere in Bet Me, and is fixed by love, and that makes for a difficult reading experience.

There are a few romances with chubby heroines where her size is mentioned occasionally, usually using euphemisms, and mostly just isn’t a thing. I enjoy those. The heroines aren’t on diets or trying to lose weight, they don’t hate their bodies, or learn to love them. They fall in love, and have hot sex, and get happy endings, and their size isn’t really part of the story much at all. I think of these as fat neutral romances. They challenge fatphobia indirectly, by not including it as part of the story, and through creating the same kind of happy endings for fat heroines that are generally given to thin heroines. I value these romances a lot; they are a balm in so many ways.

So Sweet by Rebekah Weatherspoon is my favorite of this sort of romance. It’s sweet, and funny, and the heroine is fabulous. I really love Kayla’s voice; her humor and her thought process are wonderful to witness, and the way she phrases things cracked me up and tugged at my heart. There are small references to her size throughout the story, usually using euphemisms like plus sized, thick, chunky, and curvaceous. I love the way Kayla’s not at all self-conscious about her size, and how clearly she knows she’s hot. She’s blunt about the ways that fatphobia and racism might mean that she wouldn’t be successful as a sugar baby, but it’s never from a place of self-loathing, just realism. This story doesn’t celebrate her size, or treat it like a problem, it’s just her reality. It’s written in first person from her point of view, but there are a few moments where you get to see how hot the hero is for her, and how attractive he finds her. Mostly her size is not made into a big thing, for anyone.

This is the first in a trilogy, and it’s a charming, light hearted billionaire romance novella. It centers a heroine who is doing sex work for the first time, out of economic need, and while it has an arc of her falling in love with a client, it doesn’t do that in a way that is judgmental or negative about sex work. (Weatherspoon has another sex worker heroine, in her butch/femme f/f romance Treasure, and I found that portrayal respectful as well.) Kayla is bisexual, and has mostly queer friends, and that’s just casually included and dropped into the story. I love m/f stories where one or more of the main characters are queer. (Weatherspoon also has another one of these, Sated, which is my favorite book of hers, centers two switches, and has a bisexual hero.) You really get to see Kayla’s desire for Michael, and I adore that about this book, especially because honoring the desire of fat characters is rather rare. The sex scenes manage to be both hot, and also quite funny, something this author is very good at doing. There is priceless (and hilarious) dialogue in this book, and it’s one of the main ways characters and conflicts get revealed. This is a hallmark of Weatherspoon’s books, in my experience, along with strong compelling voices and heroines I want to be friends with.

I really like fat neutral romances like this; they are safe and lovely reading experiences that feel like warmth and comfort, and I want there to be an abundance of them, especially funny ones like So Sweet.

And I yearn for more.

I want romances that describe fat heroines as beautiful and sexy, in luscious detail. I want romances that don’t shy away from using the word fat to describe the heroine’s body. I want to read about love interests that are full of desire for the fat heroine, including desire for her body, not despite it, and I want to see that from their point of view. I want to see heroines that openly acknowledge their own size and are not even thinking about losing weight. I want fat heroines having gloriously hot sex and honoring their own desires. I want complex characters in complex stories that aren’t focused on the heroine’s fatness but don’t mostly ignore it. Basically, I want the best of Bet Me combined with the best of So Sweet. I want fat positive romance.

It’s hard sometimes, to dream of something more, especially when there are no models for it. Especially when you are so hungry that you will take crumbs and savor them. So, I am incredibly happy to tell you about a new romance coming out this month, that is full-on fat positive romance: The King of Bourbon Street, by Thea de Salle. And I’m going to gush.

This book is incredibly hot, so damn hilarious, and is exactly the kind of fat positive romance I want to see much, much more of. The writing is so damn good. The dialogue in particular cracked me up, and I loved being inside both of their heads. Rain made me laugh out loud, many times.

This is another m/f romance with a bisexual main character, in this case the hero, Sol, who is quite open about it, with little fanfare, in a way I really appreciated. He also has other queer folks in his life, including his ex-wife Maddy (who is getting her own book soon). Sol’s a switch, topping for the first time, and there are some really lovely moments of him reflecting on that, and having new top nerves. The kink is ferociously hot: D/s with some pain play, a lot of orgasm control, a light thread of objectification, possessiveness and sexual service, and these wonderful hints of feral play. This is most definitely an erotic romance, and it is deeply and persistently kinky. Rain’s desire is so clear and central, and so is Sol’s, and the BDSM is both realistic and careful.

Rain is described as fat. The book uses that word. Not just once, but repeatedly! And her fat body is described as beautiful and sexy in delectable detail. The text really lingers on these descriptions, especially from the hero’s point of view. But not in a creepy or fetishizing way. Just in this way where you get to savor how hot the hero thinks she is. It’s continual, throughout the story, this lovely thread of fat positivity. I’m going to share a longish quote that meant a lot to me.

So, there’s this thing that often happens in romances with fat heroines. If they take off all their clothes, it rarely works like a reveal that’s appreciated by their love interest. It’s rushed through, or not discussed. You don’t get to pause in the moment of first nakedness, the way you often do in romances with thin heroines. And after sex, the fat heroine generally is very uncomfortable being naked and covers up immediately (something that makes me so uncomfortable that I wrote a whole blog post about it). In The King of Bourbon Street, we get to linger in the first moment Sol sees Rain naked, and we get to see it from his point of view. It’s wonderful, and detailed, and raunchy, and deeply fat positive, and I just paused and breathed for a bit after I read it.

“It was a moment that seared into his memory. She was short in stature, yes, but solid, broad across the shoulders with heavy breasts, rosy nipples dark against her creamy skin. A wasp waist over hips to die for. So much hip, so much ass curving down to thick thighs that had looked amazing next to his ears. A golden triangle of hair pointed the way to her plump, pink lips—they glistened already, and he wanted to dive between them, but not yet. He was still looking at her, appreciating her. Little hands, little feet, a mane of wavy golden hair, and dainty, doll-like features. She was a Disney princess compacted to barely more than five feet tall with a killer set of curves.”

You get to see Rain through Sol’s eyes a lot, and he constantly thinks of her as gorgeous, as sexy, as delectable. It’s just lovely. He also sees her very much from a dominant’s point of view, and that resonated so deeply for me. The scene in that chapter ends like this:

“He reached for her hair, fisting it at the nape and pulling her head to the side so he could see her beautiful face. She was ecstatic; her lips parted with her screams, her nostrils flared, her tears slid down her flushed cheeks. She’s mine. She’s gorgeous. And she’s all mine.”

I love this moment, have been in a similar dominant place myself. One of the things I most enjoyed about this book was how it really let me spend time in the dominant’s point of view during play. That’s quite rare, and it definitely raised the heat level for me as a reader.

In so many ways, this book is right up my alley. I wanted to mention a couple things that might be hard for some fat readers.

First, this book is in disguise. By looking at the cover or reading the blurb, you would have no clue that this book centers a fat heroine, and is fat positive. Of course, this was not the author’s choice. It is something worth noting both because I think it might be hard for some fat readers, and also because I think fat readers might be less likely to find the book because of that. (I’m hoping this post helps point people to it!)

Second, Sol often thinks of Rain as sweet things like cupcake or pastry, partly to evoke that he finds her delectable and wants to devour her, but also because he thinks she’s adorable. I personally liked it, because I found it a combination of endearing and a bit predatory in a kinky feral way, but I did want to mention it, as other fat readers might feel differently.

The King of Bourbon Street is my new favorite romance centering a fat heroine, and I am so glad it is going to be out in the world soon! It is by far the most fat positive romance I have ever read, and it’s also just a really good read: well written, hilarious, and so damn hot.

As it happens, you can pre-order The King of Bourbon Street right now for $1.99! It will be released on February 13.

Tagged: Bet Me, book recommendations, D/s, fat, fat characters, fat heroine, fat oppression, Jennifer Crusie, kink, m/f romance, Rebekah Weatherspoon, representation, romance, sex worker characters, So Sweet, The King of Bourbon Street, Thea de Salle, top's POV

Stories with Disabled Characters in Show Yourself To Me

Folks often ask about disability representation in my collection Show Yourself To Me, so I put together this reference guide. Stories are listed in the order they appear in the collection. (MC = main character, SC = secondary character.)

Missing Daddy:

Main POV character (unnamed) has PTSD (briefly referenced at the beginning of the story).

The Tender Sweet Young Thing:

Téo (MC) has a mobility disability (scooter user).
Dax (MC) has diabetes and chronic migraines (has a migraine in the story, diabetes is referenced and accommodated in the scene).
Mikey (MC) spoonie with mobility disability (references to fatigue, scooter and cane user).
Rebecca (SC) has fibromyalgia (referenced directly, scooter and cane user).
Xóchi (SC) has a mobility disability and chronic pain (chronic pain is not overtly referenced, it just says she plans to stay seated, scooter and cane user).
Lee (SC) has a mobility disability and diabetes (scooter and cane user, diabetes is referenced and accommodated in the scene).
Jericho (SC) has a mobility disability (obliquely referenced, scooter and cane user).

My Will:

Main POV character (unnamed) has PTSD (shows flashback, part of cathartic BDSM play).

Falling for Essex:

Samuel (MC) has diabetes.
Leroy (MC) has a mobility disability (wheelchair and cane user).

My Precious Whore:

Both main characters (unnamed) have PTSD (referenced briefly, part of cathartic BDSM play)

My Pretty Boy:

Jax (MC) has diabetes (overtly referenced), chronic back pain (discussed several times). He also is autistic, and has chronic migraines, chemical sensitivity, and PTSD, but they are not marked in this excerpt.
Rickie (MC) has PTSD, which is also not marked in this excerpt (it’s from my novel, Shocking Violet ).

Facing the Dark:

Colin (MC) has burn scars and trauma from work as a firefighter (part of cathartic BDSM play)

Ready:

Daddy character has PTSD, injury, and mobility disability from motorcycle accident (referenced multiple times throughout).
Boy character (POV character) has PTSD (referenced, shows flashback, part of cathartic BDSM play)

Dancing for Daddy:

Main POV character (unnamed) has PTSD (stated directly, part of cathartic BDSM play)

A Large Full Meal:

Main POV character (unnamed) has a hand and wrist injury (referenced, and there is a pause in the middle of play for a massage).

The Tale of Jan and Tam:

Tam (MC) has diabetes, wrist injury, chronic migraines (migraines directly referenced, diabetes not named but ze eats a snack mid-scene, wrist injury not named but you see hir massaging it in the middle of play).
Jan (MC) has a mobility disability due to injury (scooter user, injury obliquely referenced during scene).
Val (SC) has a mobility disability (wheelchair user).

Tagged: cane user, cathartic BDSM, chemical sensitivity, chronic pain, diabetes, disability, disabled characters, fibromyalgia, hand injury, mental illness, migraines, mobility disability, PTSD, scooter user, Show Yourself To Me, spoonie, trauma, wheelchair user, wrist injury

Describing endometriosis

I have six chronic pain conditions: chronic migraines, arthritis, neuropathy, IBS, chronic back problems, and endometriosis. Daily experiences of pain shape my life in more ways than I could even identify. I am also disabled in other ways. I have complex PTSD. I am autistic. I am chemically sensitive. I have diabetes. I have a mobility disability as a result of getting hit by a car.

When I was first developing my current WIP Shocking Violet, I knew that I wanted to write characters who, like me, are disabled in more than one way. I wanted to show them creating relationships with each other, building access intimacy, managing flares and overwhelm. All of my main characters have PTSD. Three of my main characters are also autistic and have other disabilities: Jax is diabetic, chemically sensitive, gets chronic migraines, and has chronic back problems. Liliana has fibromyalgia and uses a cane. Violet has endometriosis.

I wanted to write a character with endometriosis because I have never read a story about a character with it, and I think it would have helped me to see that experience in fiction. Particularly because it took me so long to get diagnosed. It took me about ten years to even talk to a doctor about symptoms, because I had no idea that what I was experiencing was unusual, until the pain and bleeding started getting dramatically worse. It took ten years after I went to that first doctor about it, for me to get diagnosed. Among other things, endometriosis fundamentally shaped my sex life, from day one.

Folks like me, fat queer trans survivors with endometriosis, often avoid and rush through medical care, especially GYN care, because it not only physically hurts but is also often deeply biased and we get treated badly. Sometimes all we have is stories and word of mouth to help us figure out what is going on.

I wanted to write about a character who has endo, and to use that word on the page, to describe what that kind of chronic pain feels like, to show Violet flaring and managing and having an active sex life that is shaped by her experience with endometriosis. Not just to leave clues for readers like bread crumbs, that I wish I had back when I just accepted this as a thing that was happening and had no idea it was endo. I also wanted to write myself onto the page, create a mirror for folks like me who were grappling with this particular kind of chronic pain. Each of my chronic pain conditions feels different, has a specificity to it. Not all pain feels the same (as I have discussed with regard to writing kink).

It has been intense to write about endo flares, to deeply touch the experience and to write about the ways they can interact with PTSD. Feels very close to home. (Though not as close to home as writing a trans character with endo would be…some day I may be ready to write about endo and dysphoria interacting, but not yet.) I wanted to share an excerpt with you, when Violet is experiencing an endo flare, in conjunction with being badly triggered and managing PTSD symptoms.

(As a heads up, this excerpt includes a detailed description of pain and bleeding associated with endometriosis, in the context of being triggered. It includes a brief description of self loathing and internalized ableism. It references trauma symptoms but does not describe traumatic experiences.)

Violet couldn’t pull herself together. She felt like she had become porous, letting too much in, and way too much out. She would just start shaking, or rocking, or find herself crying silently. The smallest things would feel like daggers. She knew that she was blurting way too much stuff without thinking. That she was all messed up in the head. And she didn’t know how to stop it. Didn’t know what to do. It had been going on for days and she just felt so much, too much, all the fucking time. Like she’d had this stone shell and it had been cracked open. Like she was leaking, and vulnerable. Like maybe she was broken inside.

When the pain came that evening, it felt like it was personal. Cruel. Even though it happened every seven weeks, give or take. Sort of. There was so much blood. It was a horror show.

It made her so damn tired, losing all that blood, surviving so much pain. She felt so fucking wrecked by it right now. If she had the energy she’d be angry at it for making it so she couldn’t even keep busy, but had to have all the feelings along with all the pain.

The pain ate the world, huge and hungry and dripping poison everywhere. And there was nothing to do but lie there and let it take over. It was so intense she couldn’t even read, couldn’t focus on a screen, nothing. Sometimes, for a brief period, she could float away from her body, but the pain always brought her back.

She lay there for days, missing way too much work. Trying to find the least painful position possible. Trying not to move at all because movement often made it worse. An audio book on the background in a useless attempt to try to distract herself from the flashbacks that just kept coming, and the despair that wanted to seep into every pore she had open. It felt utterly unending.

The excerpt below describes pain from the depths of it, when it takes over everything. I have also posted an excerpt that describes Violet doing pain management through sex. Everyone’s experience of endometriosis is different, so please don’t assume either of these excerpts would be accurate for everyone. 

Tagged: chronic pain, endometriosis, excerpt, internalized ableism, Shocking Violet, trauma, Violet

Favorite Romances I Read in 2016

Hard Earned Happy Endings

Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson, because I don’t think I’ve ever read a more satisfying hard-earned happy ending, ever.

Nothing Like Paris by Amy Jo Cousins, because I wasn’t sure they could figure out how to be together, pretty much til the end, and wasn’t sure how one of the main characters was going to actually make me like him after book 1.

Let it Shine by Alyssa Cole, for a swoony romance between two civil rights activists, and a happy ending that seemed like it might not be possible.

Rock Wedding by Nalini Singh, because the author doesn’t let trust get rebuilt easily after a marriage was destroyed by addiction, really makes them work for it.

Representation I Needed

Coffee Boy by Austin Chant, because I didn’t even know how much I needed to read a non-passing trans character story centered in the workplace til I read this book.

Gays of Our Lives by Kris Ripper, who wrote the first grumpy queer novice disabled dominant I had ever read in a romance and put him in a story with no pity and no cure.

King of Bourbon Street by Thea De Salle, for a fat submissive heroine who is described as fat and never diets and her love interest is intensely hot for her (and not in a fetishizing way). (Note: this is out in February 2017)

Looking for a Complication by Tamsen Parker, because I so rarely find butches in romance and need to read them so much.

Food Glorious Food

A Taste of Heaven by Penny Watson, because it hit my cozy comfort read sweet spot, and who can resist a cooking contest or a grumpy Scottish chef?

All You Can Handle by Farrah Rochon, for hot landlord/tenant romance centering a motorcycle mechanic and a pastry chef who needs to borrow his oven.

Luck on the Line by Zoraida Córdova, for a chaotic young heroine trying to prove herself by helping create an amazing restaurant, who totally won my heart.

Acute Reactions by Ruby Lang, because this romance had just the right touch of humor to it’s swoon.

Geekiness for the Win

Looking for Group by Alexis Hall, because the author built a game world that I wanted to hang out and flirt in, and I am not a gaming person.

Level Up by Cathy Yardley, for the introverted heroine aching to get recognized for her high quality work at a tech company that I fell so damn hard for.

Strong Signal by Megan Erickson and Santino Hassell, because I couldn’t resist Kai, he just swooped in and grabbed hold of me right away.

A Veneer of Respectability

(Erotic romance heroines who are sexy in private & prim in public)

The Best Kind of Trouble by Lauren Dane, because this took the librarian with a wild side trope and exploded it in wonderful ways that were all about complexity of characterization, gave her a hot rock star to fall for, and still delivered delicious sex with an edge of D/s.

Be My Fantasy by Alisha Rai, for a chubby heroine with a prim respectable exterior and desire for kinky roleplay who owned her own desires and got to have smoking hot sex as a result.

Looking for Trouble by Victoria Dahl, who wrote an erotic romance that acknowledges the ways misogyny impacts women who are openly sexual and still manages to be both sex positive.

Moody Stories for a Rainy Day

Rainshadow Road by Lisa Kleypas, for a slow build, a touch of magic, and a sad heroine I fell hard for.

Waiting for the Flood by Alexis Hall, who wrote a gorgeous unfurling romance amidst flood and mourning.

Blank Spaces by Cass Lennox, because it’s a slow cozy read with threads of sadness woven in.

Polyamory in Many Permutations

3 by Hannah Moscowitz, who wrote the only contemporary YA I have ever read about polyamory, that I wish I had when I was a teenager.

Kneel, Mr. President by Lauren Galagher, for a smoking hot kinky triad in the White House, and particularly for a submissive President.

Ascension by Jacqueline Koyanagi, especially because the romance between the main character and the ship was so damn swoony.

Poison Kiss by Ana Mardoll, for trauma survivors and deep engagement with consent and a dreamy triad I adored.

Beyond Shame and Beyond Control by Kit Rocha, for the feminism, the insistence on consent and rejection of rape culture, the smoking hot D/s, and most especially for Lex who I fell for hard and fast (and Lex/Noelle, who I could not resist).

Queer BDSM that hit the spot

The Real Life Build by Kris Ripper, which hit my sweet spot with its mix of D/s and SM and swooniness.

A Seditious Affair by KJ Charles, because I could not even have imagined how much I needed this extremely kinky, political, queer historical romance until I read it.

Not Safe For Work by L.A. Witt, because I could not resist this kind of meet cute and boy was I glad I didn’t.

The Dark Collector by Vanessa North for exactly the right blend of cathartic BDSM and intense D/s with precisely the kind of happy ending that made sense for the story.

Tagged: book recommendations, erotic romance, food, hard earned happy ending, kink, moody, polyamory, queer, representation, respectability, romance

Reviews of trans and/or non-binary lit by trans and/or non-binary reviewers

This week, I got two separate requests by cis reviewers for trans and/or non-binary reviews of trans and/or non-binary literature. They wanted to link to the review in their own review. This may be due to this wonderful essay about writing reviews of trans and/or non-binary books for cis reviewers, which suggests that cis reviewers read and consider trans and/or non-binary reviews.

These requests made me think about the reviews of trans and/or non-binary books by trans and/or non-binary reviewers that I had read, and the reviews I had written. And also…the reviews I chose not to write. I thought about the ways I often see cis people praising trans and/or non-binary rep in books that I personally found hurtful and problematic. The ways that trans and/or non-binary people warn each other in private about these books but don’t write reviews of them. I thought about how little I trust cis reviews of trans and/or non-binary books, and how rarely I read them because they often can be quite transphobic and cissexist. And how I really struggle to find reviews of some trans and/or non-binary books by trans and/or non-binary reviewers. I wrote a thread about that on twitter, which sparked a couple other threads, including this one listing trans and/or non-binary reviewers.

My intention is to make trans and/or non-binary reviews, and criticism of trans and/or non-binary literature more accessible, by gathering them together here into this rather long post. I am primarily interested in assisting other trans and/or non-binary readers in finding reviews by trans and/or non-binary folks.

I know that this list is likely to be used by cis people, and I encourage that. For one thing, this is trans and/or non-binary writing, and I gotta say, I am blown away by some of the thinking and writing in these reviews. So, please do read and consider what some trans and/or non-binary folks think about trans and/or non-binary books.

A couple of cautionary notes:

Please do not take any of these reviews as the “definitive” trans and/or non-binary opinion on the book. That does not exist. Even if there is only one review listed, it is not the “right” or “true” trans and/or non-binary perspective on the book.
Please do not assume that because I am trans and am including the review, that I agree with or endorse the reviewer’s opinion of the book. (I can definitely think of some examples where that is not true!)

I am listing reviews alphabetically by the title of the book, and including the gender of the reviewer. With many of these reviews, the book centers a character with a different trans and/or non-binary gender from the gender of the reviewer. That is relevant information to me as a trans reader of reviews, so I included it. (I am particularly interested in the perspectives of trans women about a book like Nevada, for example. And I’m lucky, because there are many reviews of it written by trans women!)

Note: I have inevitably left many reviews out. This is a work in progress, and I will keep updating it. Probably pretty much as soon as it goes live. Please feel free to share links of reviews of trans and/or non-binary literature by trans and/or non-binary reviewers.

What reviews are included?

For the purposes of this list, “trans and/or non-binary literature” includes:

All work by trans and/or non-binary writers whether or not it includes trans and/or non-binary characters, or is about trans and/or non-binary identity, themes or issues
Work by cis writers that includes trans and/or non-binary characters or is about trans and/or non-binary identity, themes or issues

When including work by trans and/or non-binary authors that does not include trans and/or non-binary themes, it is not my intention to out trans and/or non-binary authors.

Note: If you are an author who feels that including your work is outing you, and you wish to have it removed from this list, please let me know either in comments or via email to praxisproductions at gmail dot com.

For the purposes of this list, “trans and/or non-binary reviewer” is about public self-identification, not review content. Reviews do not need to discuss trans and/or non-binary content or authorship to be included.

It is not my intention to list reviewers if they are not out as trans and/or non-binary. If I cannot confirm by a web search whether a reviewer is out, I ask permission and only list if it is given. I identify the gender identity of the reviewer after their name based on their own profiles or their stated identity when giving permission to include the review. If I am unclear what to list, I ask, and do not include until I get a response.

Note: If you are a reviewer who wishes to be removed from this list for any reason, or to have me change which gender or name is listed, please let me know either in comments or via email to praxisproductions at gmail dot com.

Reviews and Essays about Trans and/or Non-Binary Literature by Trans and/or Non-Binary Reviewers
10,000 Dresses by Marcus Ewert and Rex Ray

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

About a Girl by Sarah McCarry

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Adam by Ariel Schrag

Essay by Tom Léger, a trans man writer and editor

Alex As Well by Alyssa Brugman

Review by Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders 

Review by Gretchen, a genderqueer reviewer

An Alphabet of Embers, ed. by Rose Lemberg

Review by Polenth Blake, a non-binary writer

Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Annabel by Kathleen Winter

Review by Casey Plett, trans woman writer

The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Review by Jeanne Thornton, a trans woman writer

The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

At Land by Morgan M. Page

Essay by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Beast by Brie Spangler

Review by Gretchen, a genderqueer reviewer

Becoming Nicole: The transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt

Review by Chelsea Manning, a trans woman writer

Being Emily by Rachel Gold

Review by Kuzu, a genderfluid/nonbinary trans boy reviewer

Being Jazz by Jazz Jennings

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Beyond Binary: Genderqueer and Sexually Fluid Speculative Fiction ed. by Brit Mandelo

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

The Black Emerald by Jeanne Thornton

Review by Morgan M. Page, a trans woman writer

Black Helicopters by Caitlín R. Kiernan

Review by D Libris, a genderqueer reviewer

Body Alchemy: Transsexual Portraits by Loren Cameron

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

A Boy Called Cin by Cecil Wilde

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Cam Girl, by Elliot Wake (writing as Leah Raeder)

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Review by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Chasing Death Metal Dreams by Kaje Harper

Review by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

The Child Eater by Rachel Pollack

Review by D Libris, a genderqueer reviewer

Coffee Boy by Austin Chant

Review by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Documenting Light by E.E. Ottoman

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Dreadnought by April Daniels

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

The Drowning Girl by Caitlín R. Kiernan

Review by Jeanne Thornton, a trans woman writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Review by Morgan M. Page, a trans woman writer

Even This Page is White by Vivek Shraya

Review by Gwen Benaway, a trans woman writer

Review by Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

F2M: The Boy Within by Hazel Edwards

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom

Review by Gwen Benaway, a trans woman writer

Finding the Real Me ed. by Tracie O’Keefe and Katrina Fox

Essay by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Finding Your Feet by Cass Lennox

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

For Today I Am A Boy by Kim Fu

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Freakboy by Kristin Elizabeth Clark

Review by Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

Gender Failure by Rae Spoon and Ivan E. Coyote

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lembeg

Essay by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

George by Alex Gino

Review by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Girl Mans Up by M.E. Girard

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Gracefully Grayson by Amy Polonsky

Review by Kuzu, a genderfluid/nonbinary trans boy reviewer

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Grandmother Nai-Leylit’s Cloth of Winds by Rose Lemberg

Essay by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Green Toes by Avery Flinders

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Held Close In Syllables of Light by Rose Lemberg

Review by D Libris, a genderqueer reviewer

Holding Still for As Long as Possible by Zoe Whittall

Essay by Emma, a trans woman writer

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo

Review by Emma, a trans woman writer

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Shenwei, a non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid reviewer

If You Could Be Mine by Sara Farizan

Review by Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

I’m Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted by Jennifer Finney Boylan

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Review by Jeanne Thornton, a trans woman writer

Improvise, Girl, Improvise, by Lilith Latini

Review by Emma, a trans woman writer

Review by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

I’ve Got A Time Bomb by Sybil Lamb

Essay by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Jerkbait by Mia Siegert

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Jess, Chunk, and the Road Trip to Infinity by Kristin Elizabeth Clark 

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

A Kind of Justice by Renee James

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Labyrinth by Alex Beecroft

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Lily and Dunkin by Donna Gephart

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Lizard Radio by Pat Schmatz

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Look Past by Eric Devine

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Lost Boi by Sassafras Lowrey

Review by Gretchen, a genderqueer reviewer

Love Beyond Body, Space, and Time ed. by Hope Nicholson

Review by Polenth Blake, a non-binary writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Review by Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

Luna by Julie Anne Peters

Essay by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

The Masker by Torrey Peters

Review by Merritt K, a trans woman writer

Review by Emma, a trans woman writer

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Moving Forward Sideways Like a Crab by Shani Mootoo

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser by Helen Boyd

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Myra Breckinridge & Myron by Gore Vidal

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Nevada by Imogen Binnie

Review by Amy Dentata, a trans woman writer

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Essay by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Review by Emma, a trans woman writer

Essay by Emma, a trans woman writer (connecting the book to labyrinths)

Essay by xmas lemmings, a trans woman blogger

Essay by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Essay by Kay Gabriel, a trans woman writer (speaking to the canonization of the novel)

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Shenwei, a non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid reviewer

Orlando by Virginia Woolf

Review by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Pantomime and Shadowplay by Laura Lam

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Pantomime review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Shadowplay review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

The Pants Project by Cat Clarke

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Passage by Gwen Benaway

Review by Kai Cheng Thom, a trans woman writer

Poison Kiss by Ana Mardoll

Review by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

The Potent Alchemy by Tess Bowery

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

The Queer and the Restless by Kris Ripper

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Queer and Trans Artists of Color, Interviews by Nia King

Review by Tom Léger, a trans man writer and editor

Roller Girl by Vanessa North

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Roving Pack by Sassafras Lowrey

Review by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

A Safe Girl To Love by Casey Plett

Review by Mitch Kellaway, a trans man writer

Review by Jeanne Thornton, a trans woman writer

The Sandman, Vol. 5: A Game of You by Neil Gaiman

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

She’s Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband  by Helen Boyd

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Show Yourself To Me by Xan West

Review by Gretchen, a genderqueer reviewer

Review by Kyle Jones, a butch genderqueer trans writer

Review by Erinkyan, a trans man blogger

Review by Avory Faucette, a non-binary trans writer

Review by Sinclair Sexsmith, a non-binary writer

Small Beauty by jia qing wilson-yang

Review by Kai Cheng Thom, a trans woman writer

Review by Gwen Benaway, a trans woman poet

Review by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Review by Morgan M. Page, a trans woman writer and artist

Some of the Parts by T. Cooper

Review by Imogen Binnie, a trans woman writer

Spy Stuff by Matthew Metzger

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Max, a nonbinary writer

Tales from Perach by Shira Glassman

Review by Polenth Blake, a non-binary writer

There Should Be Flowers by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza

Review by Kai Cheng Thom, a trans woman writer

Three Partitions by Bogi Takács

Review by D Libris, a genderqueer reviewer

Trees by Warren Ellis

Review by Emma, a trans woman writer

The Vampire’s Human Companion by Cecil Wilde

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Wallflower by Heidi Belleu

Review by Xan West, a genderqueer writer

Wanting in Arabic, by Trish Salah

Essay by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

Review by Merritt K, a trans woman writer

We Go Forward by Alison Evans

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Welcome to Orphancorp by Marlee Jane Ward

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

What We Left Behind by Robin Talley

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

When the Moon Was Ours by Anna-Marie Mc Lemore

Review by Cheryl Morgan, a trans woman writer

Review by Gretchen, a genderqueer reviewer

Review by Kuzu, a genderfluid/nonbinary trans boy reviewer

Review by Morgan Doherty, a non-binary transmasculine writer

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Which One is the Bridge by Charles Theonia

Review by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

The Wild Hunt by Stephanie Rabig

Review by Nicole Field, a multigender writer

Yemaya’s Daughters by Dane Figueroa Edidi

Essay by Casey Plett, a trans woman writer

A Selection of Related Essays by Trans and/or Non Binary Writers
On Reviewing Trans and/or Non-Binary Lit 

How to Review a Trans Book As a Cis Person, by  Vee, a non-binary trans blogger

On Trans and/or Non-Binary YA

The Acceptance Narrative in Trans YA by Vee, a non-binary trans blogger

The Hero’s Journey in Trans YA by Vee, a non-binary trans blogger

Trans Representation in YA Is Only the Beginning by Everett Maroon, a trans man writer

On Trans and/or Non-Binary SFF 

Gender, Sex, and Sexuality in SF: A Conversation between Polenth Blake, a non-binary writer, and Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

Changing Images of Trans People in Science Fiction and Fantasy Literature by Cheryl Morgan, a trans woman writer

On Trans and/or Non-Binary Erotica and Romance 

Talking Trans Erotica with Tobi Hill-Meyer by Jetta Rae. Tobi Hill-Meyer is a genderqueer trans woman writer, editor, actor and filmmaker. Jetta Rae is a trans woman writer and editor.

Writing Erotica for Trans Readers (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Writing Sex Scenes with Less Cissexism (Part 1, Part 2) by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

On Writing Trans Stories

Dear Cisgender People Who Write, Publish, and Read Trans Books by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Writing Better Trans Characters by Cheryl Morgan, a trans woman writer

Should I or Shouldn’t I? On Writing Trans Narratives Respectfully by John Jacobson, a non-binary genderqeer writer

How to Write Trans Characters by Everett Maroon, a trans man writer

Being Trans is a Lot Like Being a Book by Austin Chant, a trans man writer

On Reading Trans and/or Non-Binary Narratives into Cis Characters

Unintentional Trans Characters by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic (about Hermione from the Harry Potter books and Elphaba from Wicked)

No One Makes It Out Alive a dialogue between Casey Plett, and Morgan M. Page, both are trans woman writers (about Seymour and Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors)

Being a Trans Reader by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer (about reading erotica as a trans person, particularly about reading transness into cis characters)

Tagged: criticism, non-binary, non-binary authors, non-binary characters, non-binary literature, non-binary reviewers, reviews, trans, trans authors, trans characters, trans literature, trans reviewers

Xan Reads Smut: A recording of “What I Need”

For the last three months, I posted audio recordings from the book, one per month.

Here is October’s recording of A Large Full Meal. Here is November’s recording of Willing.

This month, you can listen to me read an abridged version of “What I Need”, an erotica story from my collection Show Yourself To Me: Queer Kink Erotica. This story is a wild ride from deep inside the desire of a trans stone butch dominant, a piece filled with D/s, edgeplay, rough sex, pain play, bootplay, breathplay and bloodsports.

I hope you enjoy this story; it goes deep for me, and feels like a good way to close out 2016, fully claiming the intensity of queer trans desire.

To read more about Show Yourself To Me, check out the blog tour, or take a look at the reviews!

Tagged: audio, blood, breath play, cocksucking, D/s, fat pride erotica, kink, queer, rough body play, rough sex, Show Yourself To Me, stone, tg stone butch, top's POV, trans, Xan reads smut

Butch Characters in Erotica and Romance

It’s hard to find butches in fiction. Many of my favorite books about butches are memoir or personal essay. When I do find butch characters in novels or stories, they are often subjected to substantial violence, especially sexual assault. After putting down yet another example of this sort of novel, I am on the lookout for stories that center butch characters and don’t include sexual assault or violence. I put a call out on twitter, saying that most of the examples I can think of are erotica. So of course, someone asked me to share those books. So, by request, here are some erotica and romance books with butch characters.

Erotica Anthologies

(Caveat: if these don’t say butch in the title, not all of the stories will center butches, but there are some memorable ones that do)

Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch Femme Erotica ed. by Tristan Taormino (This is my favorite butch/femme erotica anthology. It’s wonderful.)

The Harder She Comes: Butch/Femme Erotica ed. by D.L. King (This is a close second for me, in butch/femme erotica anthologies. Really good book.)

Back to Basics: A Butch-Femme Anthology ed. by Therese Szymanski (This is the most vanilla of the butch/femme anthologies out there, and thus not really my personal taste.)

Set in Stone: Butch-On-Butch Erotica ed. by Angela Brown (This book was a mixed bag for me, some of the stories were better than others. Note: despite it’s title, this does not include positive stone butch representation.)

Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica ed. by Sinclair Sexsmith (There are quite a few stories in this with butch characters, and many of them float my boat. Full disclosure: I am in this book, and my story “Strong” has a tg butch top character.)

Tough Girls: Down and Dirty Dyke Erotica ed. by Lori Selke (This is an old favorite of mine. There are some stories in this that have stuck with me for close to 15 years.)

Best of the Best Lesbian Erotica ed. by Tristan Taormino (This is one of my favorite collections and has some amazing stories with butch characters, including the very memorable “A Girl Like That” by Toni Amato.)

Hot Lesbian Erotica ed. by Tristan Taormino (This collection fits its name perfectly. Has some of the hottest Daddy/girl smut I’ve ever read.)

Single Author Collections

(Caveat: unless it says butch in the title, not all of the stories include butch characters, but there are memorable ones that do.)

Overflow: Tales of Butch-Femme Love Sex and Desire by Miel Rose (I adore this collection so much.)

Blood and Silver: Erotic Stories by Patrick Califia-Rice (This has some of my favorite Califia stories in it, including many of the ones with butch characters.)

This Is How We Do It by D. Alexandria (I am still in the middle of this one. It has some really hot stories with butch characters.)

Sweet and Rough by Sinclair Sexsmith (This is on my TBR but I have read a bunch of these stories in other anthologies so I can definitely vouch for butchness in this collection. Note: to my knowledge, the butch characters in this collection are all tops.)

Show Yourself To Me by Xan West (Disclosure: I wrote this. There are several butch characters in this book. You can get it half off here with the code Holiday16 through 12/31. Stories with butch characters: The Test, The Tender Sweet Young Thing, My Precious Whore, My Pretty Boy, Alley Obsession, What I Need, Dancing for Daddy, Compersion, The Tale of Tam and Jan, Strong) Also, you can read a couple of my stories with butch characters for free: The Tender Sweet Young Thing. A Werewolf’s Yearning. And, my current work in progress is a novel with a central trans stone butch character. You can read a description and excerpts here.

Romance

(Note: these are romances with butch central characters and no sexual assault that I would recommend. There are others I’ve read all or part of that include substantial toxic masculinity, femme-hating, racism, or dubious consent, and I am not including those. If you want to ask me about a book, feel free to comment or DM me on twitter and I will tell you what I think, if I’ve read it.)

Looking for a Complication by Tamsen Parker (Sweet butch/femme meet-cute romance novella with a bit of D/s. I especially appreciated how dapper the butch character was. Note: this has the trope where the butch assumes the femme character is straight at first.)

Treasure by Rebekah Weatherspoon (I really enjoyed this butch/femme NA romance novella. It has a lot of complexity in it that I really appreciated, particularly the way it grapples with class differences. The femme character is a sex worker and I thought that was handled respectfully. The butch character has mental health issues, trigger warning for past suicide attempt.)

The Belle vs. the BDOC by Amy Jo Cousins (Set in the 90s. Enemies to lovers butch/femme NA romance novella. Another dapper butch! Note: this also has the trope where the butch assumes the femme character is straight at first.)

Fearless by Shira Glassman (Sweet romance short between band mom and butch orchestra director.)

A Selection from My TBR List

(Note: I have not read these, but they were recommended to me for including butch characters.)

The Better to Kiss You With by Michelle Osgood (A butch/femme werewolf romance!)

21 Questions by Mason Dixon (This has a love triangle in it. I generally don’t like those but after reading the first few chapters of this I’m willing to give it a try.)

Get At Me by K. A. Smith (I have heard wonderful things about this romance set at a community center.)

When She Was Good: Best Lesbian Erotica ed. by Tristan Taormino (Includes some of my favorite butch/femme stories, but I haven’t read all of these yet.)

Me and My Boi: Queer Erotic Stories ed. by Sacchi Green (I have heard wonderful things about this collection, and it was specifically recommended for butch representation.)

She Who Must Be Obeyed ed. by D.L. King (This book centers femme tops and was recommended for butch bottom stories especially.)

I made a list on Goodreads for erotica with butch characters.

Tagged: book recommendations, butch, erotica, romance

A hopeful excerpt for a hard day

It’s been a rough week. In the world, and for me. So I thought I might post a good-sized chunk of Shocking Violet that feels especially hopeful and cozy, and introduce you to Zak while I’m at it. If you want to know more about these characters or read previous excerpts, you can find a synopsis and excerpts here.

(As a heads up, this excerpt includes a description of characters managing over-stimulation and strong emotions, and brief references to abusive relationships in the past. It also includes discussion of D/s dynamics, and references a BDSM scene in the past. It includes some unpacking of internalized oppression and jealousy.) 

Jax

Zak’s favorite restaurant was too crowded for Jax’s taste. Too crowded meant too loud and he still had a migraine from yesterday, though it wasn’t so bad that he’d missed work or anything. At least the food was good here. And Jax had scored a seat in the corner with his back to a wall, which definitely helped him relax more. He didn’t like crowded places.

For all his introvert curmudgeon ways, Zak didn’t mind crowded places. He was smiling, like he was soaking up being around all the people. It was one of those things that Jax found a bit difficult to watch, Zak in a crowd. He always seemed so at home in gay men’s spaces where everyone got way too close and was too drunk and too loud and there were always lights flashing and everyone smelled like cigarettes, cologne and alcohol and it was just too damn overwhelming in a dozen ways at once. Zak would preen and flirt and seem like he was more in his body than usual and laugh really loudly and dance his ass off. Jax would gut his way through it for about an hour and then escape.

Zak’s birthday party was probably going to be just like that. Well, except it would be scent free, and no lights flashing, and the noise level wasn’t going to be that bad. And there would be food. Food would help. He might make it through an hour and a half, maybe even two. Maybe. Zak was excitedly talking about the menu he had planned.

It amazed Jax that Zak wanted to cook his own birthday dinner. But he always did, said he wanted to give his friends something on his birthday. And he preferred to eat his own food anyway. It would be elaborate, too, that much was clear. And delicious, for sure. Zak was an amazing cook.

Jax was having trouble focusing. Usually he liked listening to Zak talk about food, and what he was planning to cook. It was soothing, most of the time. But today, he felt agitated. He pulled out his favorite fidget. Nobody would even notice it here, there were too many people and too much noise and let’s face it, not enough light. Zak was cool around him stimming, even in public. He was the only person in Jax’s life that Jax let see him stim in an obvious way. Though he did think that Violet probably wouldn’t blink. Rickie on the other hand, he wasn’t so sure.

And he was already thinking of Violet as someone in his life? What was that? They’d just met, and already his brain was going there. Sure, she had reached out to him, to thank him for dinner. But they didn’t even have plans for another date. How had his brain shifted like that, already?

Stimming was helping. He could concentrate on what Zak was saying now. He let himself sink into the details of the dishes Zak was planning, eating the food in front of him slowly and deliberately. There was something so perfect about the texture of the hummus here. It felt really good in his mouth. And that zing of garlic and lemon was so bright. Jax had a deep love for bright tastes. They made him feel alive and safe all at the same time.

*****

Zak

He was babbling again. He always seemed to babble around Jax these days. He just got so nervous, kept feeling like it was so obvious, too. Like he had a sign painted on his forehead. He’d been doing just fine with this damn crush, for years. He wanted to kick himself. Or at least stick a gag in his mouth. Something to get him to stop babbling so it wouldn’t be so blatant.

It hadn’t been a problem for years. He’d just held the crush inside, storing it away in the impossible section of his brain, and mostly didn’t think about it when he was around Jax. He’d taken it out and polished it every once in a while when he was alone. But mostly, it hadn’t been a problem. Not while Jax was with Dinah. Which he had been, since before they’d met. They’d had that one casual scene, and then no other play, ever. No flirting even. But Jax had kept reaching out, kept making plans, even though Dinah was jealous enough of those. They’d built a friendship instead.

Friendship was good. He loved being friends with Jax. Loved being trusted, loved offering support, loved being held dearly in Jax’s regard. He was reliable. He was the one Jax called if things went south. He got things that other people in Jax’s life didn’t get, about work, about trauma, about Dinah and the hell she’d put him through. Zak was useful in so many ways, and he reveled in that.

He could, and had, leaned on Jax too. Had fallen apart in his arms more than once after Sam and Neo had stomped his heart into the ground. Had ranted to Jax about work stuff, about being jerked around by the cis guys he picked up, about needing to find a housemate that wasn’t an irresponsible jerk. Jax was a good friend to him, had stuck around through so much, when others just seemed to fall away.

They’d been doing just fine as friends. Even though Zak had taken out the memory of that single scene every so often and relived it, slowly, so he could luxuriate in the feel of Jax’s breath on his neck, savor the beautifully relentless pain from Jax’s belt, taste Jax’s boot in his mouth. It hadn’t interfered in their friendship at all.

Until recently. When Dinah was finally out of the picture. (Good riddance.) And suddenly Jax was actually polyamorous, not the pretense of it he’d been doing with her. But actually, actively polyamorous. That had changed things. Made it impossible for Zak to keep his crush in the impossible zone of his brain. It kept sneaking out.

There was no reason for him to think Jax would even be interested. After all, Jax had gotten together with both Rickie and Alex while he still was with Dinah. It was near the end, but it still was there, glaring him in the face. Sure, those relationships were just play, very clearly so. But he had kept seeing them, and he hadn’t kept seeing Zak. They’d become friends instead. Maybe he hadn’t even enjoyed the scene. Maybe he had realized he wasn’t into Zak. Maybe it was impossible, after all.

Zak looked at his plate. The falafel looked huge and dry and like it would just stick in his throat. His face was so hot, he could feel it. He needed to get out of there. He slipped away to the bathroom, splashed water on his face, his neck. He stood there staring himself down in the mirror, counting breaths. Ok. He could do this. He just needed to focus on Jax, instead of slipping away into his own thoughts so much.

He returned to the table, and asked about Jax’s weekend. Yes, this was a good idea. Listening. He had lots of listening skills. It was one of his best things, listening.

*****

Jax

 “So I went to LAP on Friday. The class was really good, actually. This Black dyke from Canada was teaching, Roz? And she’s fucking stellar. One of the best classes I’ve been to all year.”

“What was so good about it?”

“Well, she wasn’t doing a technical skill, yknow? It was focused on what things mean to the people playing, how they feel. You know how I like that shit.”

“That sounds better than most. Kink education is all dick, with no brain. Or heart, most of the time.”

“This was all brain and heart.”

“Add some courage and you’re off to see the wizard.”

“Actually…they did talk about how this stuff was especially important for edge play.”

Zak grinned at him. Oof, that smile.

“And the bottom in the demo talked quite a bit. I always like to hear from the bottom, but that doesn’t happen very often.”

“It sure doesn’t. That shit pisses me off. It’s all about misogyny, most of the time.”

“Yeah, it is. Roz made space for the bottom to talk while she was teaching. It wasn’t exactly co-teaching, but she made space. And then this Jewish femme in the audience asked the bottom about it more, and that seemed to really draw her out. She talked for a good long time about what it meant to have the top’s hand on her throat. I really liked hearing about that.”

Zak had a dreamy smile on his face, and just sighed. Jax had to ask, even if it was dangerous territory. He couldn’t not ask.

“Seems like you might have something to say about that, too.”

Zak’s eyes opened wide. And he actually gulped. Delicious.

“Want to tell me what you were thinking just now, hmm?”

“Oh. Um. Ok. I was thinking about what it means to me.”

Of course he’d been thinking that. Was he evading the question because Jax was making him uncomfortable? Jax decided to give it one more opening, then let it go.

“Mmhmm.” He just paused, giving space. Waiting. The waiting felt electric somehow. Was his libido through the fucking roof or something? He couldn’t stop staring at Zak’s mouth. He was chewing on his lip, and it was just so damn mesmerizing.

“I was just thinking. It depends on who’s hand it is. What we are to each other. It’s not the same with everyone.”

“Mmhmm.” Jax nodded, holding his breath. Zak had his eyes closed, and that dreamy look on his face was back.

“But the best times, it feels like helplessness and possession all at once. And the helplessness makes me all squirmy inside, but I go so still, because that’s what they want, and in that moment I desperately want to please them, to be worthy of being claimed.”

Jax breathed that in, slowly. It ran through his body and wrapped itself around his cock and then he was in his memory of shoving Zak against the wall, and wrapping his hand around the boy’s throat. He had snarled, and the boy had stayed so still for him, his eyes the only thing that had jumped, before they’d gone all dreamy. His face looked almost exactly like that right now. He had held the boy so still back then, just sinking into that dreamy expression.

Fuck. Now his dick was hard, and he knew he was going to dream that scene tonight. Again. It had been this glorious moment amidst some of the ugliest shit he’d ever dealt with. He’d known, after just one scene, that if he played with Zak again, he would fall for him so hard. And he’d been in no fucking shape for that, not with Dinah wrapped around him so tight, messing with his head. Not with Zak all twisted in knots in that fucked up dynamic with Ayden. So he hadn’t ever asked Zak to play again. Had decided that they would just be friends. And he’d lost his chance. He needed to change the subject.

*****

Zak

“So I met someone at the LAP meeting.”

Zak knew his eyes flew open, but he couldn’t help it. And c’mon, it was such a quick change of subject. More awkward than Jax usually was. Had he made him uncomfortable? He’d just been answering the question. Jax had opened the door in the first place. Had practically done everything he could to invite him to walk through it. And yet again, was jerking back now, changing the subject. Ok Zak, focus. You were going to listen, remember?

“Tell me.”

“The femme who asked the bottom that question. She was something else. So I asked her to have dinner with me.”

Oh. Zak worked to make himself nod. He had to remind himself a couple times. He concentrated on his neutral face.

“Her name is Violet. Maybe you know her?”

Zak tried to make his brain work. He thought he might actually know of a Violet. Maybe. Breathing might help. He focused on breathing. Ok, he needed to get himself under control, and answer Jax already.

“Huh, I’m not sure. Be right back.”

Zak knew he had just gone to the bathroom a half hour ago. But he needed a moment. This had really thrown him, and he wasn’t even sure he understood why.

Why was Jax being into a femme woman such a big deal to him? Zak needed to think it through. It was probably his internalized misogyny. Or maybe heteronormativity? Was it biphobia? It was something, because his stomach dropped. It wasn’t exactly jealousy. Though he shouldn’t discount that. But he didn’t think that was it.

It just felt like Jax would take this person more seriously, because she was a femme woman. Was she cis? Probably. It was LAP after all. A femme cis woman. Yeah, that was it, his feeling that Jax would take it more seriously with Violet, like he had with Dinah. Who was also a femme cis woman. While he stayed super-casual with his trans guy and genderqueer play partners. Like he was now. It was like romance was for cis women, and trans guys and genderqueers got just play, nothing serious.

But was that even true, or was it just what he was scared of? Maybe it was what Zak assumed, but not how it actually worked for Jax. Just because it was working that way in his current relationships didn’t mean it was some kind of gender based standard for Jax. Jax’s serious exes weren’t all cis femme women, he knew that. He could think of pretty significant one that he knew was a trans guy. He needed to stop working himself up like this.

He needed to breathe. He put his hands on the porcelain of the sink, gripping it hard, soaking in the coldness of it, and counted breaths again, slow and even. Then he started to recite Prufrock to himself. He could feel it start to calm him down. When he got to the lines “There will be time, there will be time/To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet,” he stayed there, kept repeating those two lines as he stared at himself in the warped mirror, and prepared his face to meet Jax.

*****

Jax

He was making a mess of this. Could he be more awkward? He had clearly fumbled it somehow. Had Zak been reacting to learning about Violet, or had he been upset because Jax had been basically flirting with him? Jax honestly had no clue, and that sucked. He needed to tread carefully here, because he didn’t think it was a good idea to say anything. What if he just made it worse?

Oh good, Zak was coming back. He didn’t seem upset anymore. That was good. Jax smiled at him, and got a smile back, but it was more ironic than genuine. Yup, tread carefully.

“I might know of a Violet, but I can’t remember from where. So, you like her?”

“Yeah, I do. I hope I get to see her again.”

“What do you like about her?”

“Well, she’s smart. She’s got good politics, does fat activist stuff, has an analysis of transmisogyny, is working with women of color to change things at FULL.”

Zak nodded, didn’t say anything.

“There was a spark between us. A D/s spark. But not like it was with Dinah where she acted all submissive from the start. It felt different. Like she was independent. Like she had really solid boundaries.”

“Boundaries are good,” Zak said slowly.

“I told her about how I want to try this new approach to D/s. You know what I’m talking about, I’ve told you about this. Where it has clear boundaries, is in-scene only.”

Zak nodded, looking down.

“I might want to try it with her. Maybe.”

Zak’s head rose. Kinda fast. There was something in his eyes that Jax couldn’t read. And that was rare. Probably not a good sign.

“Jax, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, of course.”

Zak’s spoke quickly. “Have you thought about why you haven’t wanted to try that D/s thing in a deeper way with, say, someone like Rickie? I mean, I haven’t met the guy, but you have been playing for over a year.”

Well that was not a question Jax had expected. He wasn’t sure what he’d been bracing for, but it wasn’t that.

“Um. No. I haven’t thought about it. Not sure why. I guess maybe because we had set things up differently when we first started playing, and it feels like it’s working.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that Rickie might want things to change?”

Zak seemed angry. Or maybe frustrated. His voice had gotten louder, more intense. It was hard to tolerate. He picked up his fidget again. That helped some.

Jax blinked. No. It really hadn’t occurred to him. Even yesterday, when he’d been thinking about kissing the boy, it had never crossed his mind that Rickie might want him to. Might want more from him. Was that possible? Could Rickie be wanting their relationship to change? Could he have wanted Jax to kiss him, after all?

When Jax spoke, his voice was quiet.

“No, actually, it hadn’t occurred to me. I think I always assume nobody wants things to change, ever. Because change is so hard. Because I find change so damn hard.”

Zak smiled. A real smile. Jax breathed a little easier after seeing that.

“I know you do. Change is really hard for me too. But sometimes, things need to change.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I just think that it’s awfully quick for you to be thinking about starting a D/s relationship with someone you just met. I mean, you are talking about something serious, and romantic, several levels up from what you are doing with Alex or Rickie.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Words were pouring out of Zak now, and when that was happening, it was best to let them flow, see where they went.

“So I was wondering why you wanted to go there with her, after you just met her. And you never wanted to go there with them, even though you know and trust them, have been building with them for a long time.”

Jax nodded. He was getting to the point, Jax could feel it. Jax wasn’t sure he was going to like the point.

“It made me wonder if the reason is cuz she’s cis. Or a woman. Or maybe both. She is cis, right?”

Jax blinked. Yep. He didn’t like the point at all. But. He trusted Zak. Loved him. And Zak was smart, and astute, and often saw things that Jax hadn’t seen yet, about himself. If Zak had wondered about it, it was worth considering.

“Yeah, she’s cis.”

“I’m not saying that’s why. You know better than me.”

“No, I know that. It’s a good question to think about. I want to really think about it, ok?”

Jax took out his notebook, and wrote it down. This was something to write about in his journal, later.

“Ok. I’m here if you want to talk it through.”

Jax tried to smile, but his migraine was starting to get worse, so he couldn’t really make it happen.

“You have a migraine, don’t you?”

“Yeah, since yesterday. You can always tell. Nobody else notices, unless it’s really bad.”

“I pay attention, and I’ve known you awhile. It got worse just now, didn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“How about I get our food packed up and you can wait outside where it’s quieter? I’ll get the food this time, you can get it next time, ok?”

“Yeah, that would be good. Thanks.”

“No problem. Be there in a minute.”

The air was cool on Jax’s face. It felt good. Just what he needed right now. He leaned against the building and closed his eyes. Yes, it was good to be outside.

*****

Zak

Zak got the food packed up, bill paid. Ok. One last trip to the rest room before facing Jax. Had he been completely obvious in there? What had he even said to Jax? He needed to get it together. That was what bathrooms were for, wasn’t it?

By the time he got outside, he was in a better space. Whatever he’d said, he’d said. Maybe it would even end up being a good thing. You never know. Zak began his favorite poem, like they always did when they left somewhere.

“Let us go then, you and I,” he said, offering his arm to Jax with a flourish.

“When the evening is spread out against the sky,” Jax replied, his eyes smiling but his mouth not mirroring them because that made his head hurt. It felt good to walk arm and arm.

“Like a patient etherized upon a table,” Zak replied, finishing that stanza with a grin. He decided not to continue, because he knew how it was hard for Jax to think and remember stuff when he had a migraine. Instead he asked, “You’ve had this one since yesterday?”

“Yeah. It was worse then. Today it’s not nearly as bad.”

“Do you know if something triggered it?”

“I had that date with Rickie. And slept over. Between the scented makeup, and the nail polish, and the freshly laundered sheets…”

Zak sighed. “Oh, Jax. That is so hard. I know you talked to him about it before. It got better, yes?”

“Yeah, he changed some things, but I don’t think he really gets it.”

“Well, it can be hard for some people. If he changed some things, maybe he would change more, if you said something.”

“Yeah, maybe. You know, one of the things about Violet? No scent at all. None. All on her own, I didn’t even mention it.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Zak, have I told you how much I appreciate that I only had to tell you about scent once, and you researched it all on your own?”

Zak grinned. Jax had mentioned it before, but it was nice to hear it again.

“Well I do have impeccable research skills.”

“Yes, you definitely do. Among your many wonderful attributes.”

Ok, he might actually be blushing right now. Luckily it was cold outside so Jax probably couldn’t tell.

Tagged: abusive BDSM relationships, autistic characters, cissexism, D/s, friends to lovers, gender, heterosexism, internalized oppression, misogyny, relationships, romance, Shocking Violet, stimming