Xan West's Blog, page 2

Story Notes for Nine of Swords, Reversed

These notes are intended to illuminate specific details about my novelette, Nine of Swords, Reversed. They contain some spoilers and are best read after reading the book.

(As a heads up, this post briefly references kink, discusses ghosts and death, and includes reclaimed identity words like queer and faggot.)

For information about the pronouns and honorifics used in the text and how to pronounce them, see “A Brief Note About Non-Binary Terms” in the front matter of the book.
For information about how to refer to the characters in the book in reviews in ways that respect their genders, see “A Note for Readers” in the back matter of the book.
For content warnings, see the front matter of the book or this page on my website.
For a discussion of the D/s relationship in the story, see this blog post.

The terms queer and faggot are used in the story as reclaimed identity words, with a recognition that they have been and continue to be used as slurs by others, and a deliberate choice to pick them up and claim them for self that is rooted in queer community reclamation in the early 1990s by activist groups like Queer Nation.

The terms fat in the story is used as a neutral descriptor, in a way that is common to fat activists. The story also uses specific terms common to queer fat activist communities to refer to body size. Dev self refers to xyrself as fat, and to Noam as midsize. These terms do not translate particularly well to trans bodies, and come mostly from referring to women’s bodies. In that context, the common terms are in-betweenie/chubby/small fat, midsize, fat, supersize/superfat. They are rather loosely defined, and not without substantial contention, but I am going to list general guidelines below as I have understood them. (Others may have different understandings; please do not take these as definitive.)

In-betweenie/chubby/small fat folks are often described as sizes 12-16, sizes that often hit the top of the range in mainstream women’s stores.
Mid-sized folks are often described as US sizes 18-22/24. Folks who can usually find a range of clothes in plus size stores. (This is not always true because it depends on body shape. Folks who are hourglass shape are much more likely to be called mid-size.)
Fat folks can often buy clothes at the top end of plus size stores, in the store, but not everything and with rather limited selection. Sizes 24-28ish. Again, this is often impacted by the shape of your body, how your fatness impacts how you are seen. But also, it’s about access. Are you able to sit comfortably in most seats with arms? If you are fat, probably not.
Superfat (or supersize) folks cannot buy clothes in brick & mortar stores, and have extremely limited access to clothing options. Again, this is about access; these are folks for whom the world is most definitely not built, from medical equipment to restaurants to chairs. Folks who need to scout access to public spaces, to cars, buy multiple seats on planes, check whether toilets are wall mounted.

[image error]Should you want a visual reference for Noam and Dev’s relative sizes, the cover is a good place to look.

For those who are familiar with queer fat activism in the San Francisco Bay Area, you may recognize the house that Noam and Dev live in; it is loosely based on Thermalia, a long-time queer fat activist collective household in Oakland.

Dev notes that Noam cooks the eggs with mozzarella and that is a sign of a migraine; this is because for some folks who get chronic migraines, aged cheese can trigger migraines. (It is one of my migraine triggers, in fact.) Mozzarella is one of the few cheeses that is less likely to do so.

All three main characters are mages, with different concentrations. Dev is an empath and a seer. Noam is a medium, and has a particularly close relationship with ghosts and the dead. Ezra is an herbalist and healer. All three characters are also Jewish, both culturally and spiritually, and have integrated their Judaism and their magecraft.

Dev and Ezra go to lunch at Saul’s Restaurant and Delicatessen in Berkeley, a Jewish restaurant that serves chicken in the pot.

Ezra’s concept of “Ladies Who Lunch” is in reference to a song by Stephen Sondheim from the musical Company. Here is a version of it sung by Carol Burnett.

The tarot deck that Dev uses to draw the titular Nine of Swords, reversed is one that only exists in the world of the story, unfortunately. Many decks exist; here are a few resources for decks.  The interpretation of the card in the story is drawn from my own experience with tarot reading; my main decks are the Sacred Circle tarot, the classic Rider Waite, and the Next World tarot. The image I had in my head of this card was an evocation of the rather classic Rider Waite or Llewellyn imagery of a figure in a bed with swords over their head. When I conceived of the meaning of this card, I had a fairly clear sense that the upright nine of swords evoked everyday life with chronic pain (Dev spends much of xyr life in bed, as do I), but that reversed this indicated an intense crisis within that, a disconnection/isolation from others, and a blanket of silence around the pain.

Dev describes xyr spoons running low. This is a reference to The Spoon Theory, originated by Christine Miserandino, a way of describing what it’s like to live with chronic illness and disability and the way we often our energy and capacity are quite limited and run out rather quickly.

Noam makes apricot chicken for Shabbos dinner, one of the first things I cooked from my first Jewish cookbook, Joan Nathan’s Jewish Holiday Cookbook. You can find the recipe here; it leans sweet and tangy, and is on the simpler side, as recipes go. Given that Noam is dealing with both a migraine and back pain, simpler recipes that can be prepared sitting down and do not require standing at the stove are essential. (The more complicated root vegetable casserole is where most of Noam’s cooking spoons went.) I discuss more about food in Nine of Swords, Reversed in this guest blog post.

Dev references a comfort read xe favors, a novella about non-binary supermages that has a ghost character, Ranra, which the main characters discuss in the story. This is a reference to my favorite book published in 2017, A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power, by Rose Lemberg, which is a core work in their Birdverse. You can find my review of Portrait here, a free ebook version of the novella here (Part 1, Part 2), and a free audiobook version here. I have written at length about a couple of other stories in Lemberg’s Birdverse; you can find those discussions here and here.

Dev’s favorite nutty oat bread that xe eats in the story is Arnold’s Oat Nut bread.

Levi is Noam’s little brother, who is deceased, and he is a dybbuk, as far as Noam is concerned. While Jewish tradition often differentiates between benevolent ghosts and malevolent ones, Noam thinks that kind of binary framework is misguided, and openly talks about how they refuse to think of it that way. The term dybbuk is rooted in the Hebrew word for cleaving, and a main feature of a dybbuk is that it’s a disembodied ghost that attaches (cleaves) to another person. Dybbuks generally do not have physical manifestation and are not perceivable by anyone except the person they tie themselves to. Noam’s refusal of a binary split between malevolent attached spirits (dybbuks) and benevolent ones (ibbur) is in resistance to binaries in general. It felt right that a non-binary character would have a different perspective on a binary like this. I’m planning to write more about the symbolism of the dybbuk in this story for a guest post; I will link to it here when it goes live.

To aid you in placing the characters generationally: the story is set in 2018. Both Dev and Ezra are 48 years old. Noam is 36 years old.

Nine of Swords, Reversed!

(As a heads up, this post discusses kink and in particular D/s at length, and also discusses representation of non-sexual kink in kink lit.)

My novelette, Nine of Swords, Reversed, releases today. This is my first self-published book, my first published romance, and I am thrilled beyond measure to share this story, which is very dear to my heart.

The D/s in Nine of Swords, Reversed is primarily about service. No sex is involved. For Dev and Noam, the core of their relationship is romance, D/s, and sharing a home. This novelette is part of a current project of mine: writing characters who are doing kink that isn’t sexualized and doesn’t include sex. I decided to focus my recent work on this because it reflects my own experience as a kinky person and because there is so little representation like this in kink fiction.

My characters do non-sexualized kink for a variety of reasons, including:

They aren’t sexually compatible.
Sex is edgy and they’re not up for edgeplay today.
They are ace-spectrum and rarely/never want sexualized play or to have sex. (Note: this is not true of all my ace-spectrum characters, or of all ace-spectrum people.)
An endometriosis flare means sex would hurt.
They aren’t sexually attracted but are into D/s with the person.
They are a survivor and sexualized things would be too triggering today.
They are stone and aren’t up for navigating sex with a new partner today.
They prefer their kink non-sexualized.
Sex is not central to the kink involved in the story and just doesn’t come up in the course of the story.
They are doing public play in a space where sex is not allowed.

Not all kink is sexual. There are many people, allosexual & ace-spectrum, who do kink that’s not sexualized and does not include sex. I want kink fiction to reflect that reality. (For more information about the intersection of sex and kink, this blog post may be a useful resource.)

I care about writing kink fiction that centers non-sexualized kink. I care about writing kink fiction that has both sexualized kink and non-sexualized kink. I care about writing kink fiction that shows folks having some partners they are sexual with and some they are not. I care about writing kink fiction that shows characters sometimes being up for sex and/or sexualized kink and sometimes not. I care about writing kink fiction that shows people having a range of different attractions, including attractions that involve kink and don’t involve sex.

Nine of Swords, Reversed is one of many stories I’ve been working on that centers kink and does not include sex or sexualized kink. I have published several others recently, and have more slated to be published in 2019. I am hoping these kinds of stories will help make room for a wider, more diverse representation of kink in fiction.

For a long time, I was writing within the strictures of erotica, where I was under the impression that I had to include sex in order to have my work published. (It actually turns out not to be the case, which is a welcome surprise! I did not find this out until I took the risk of writing and submitting that sort of kink fiction to erotica anthologies.)

If you are a fan of my erotica, I do hope that you will give this kind of kink fiction a chance. I am striving for the kind of realistic kink that you have enjoyed in my other work, with the same focus on writing queer and trans characters, centering disabled and fat characters, depicting kink in the context of community, and describing the ways that kink can create opportunities for us to be seen, held, and celebrated in the fullness of ourselves. This book in particular depicts the kind of service-centered D/s I ache to see more of in kink fiction.

Nine of Swords, Reversed centers a D/s relationship that is troubled. Dev and Noam have been together as romantic partners and as dominant and submissive for seven years, and they have hit a difficult patch through a confluence of events that have made it hard for them to connect. I love writing established relationships, particularly because there is so little kink fiction that depicts them. I’ve enjoyed writing a D/s relationship where they have all these layers of connection and intimacy, so many established ways of grappling with potential relationship issues, and they still hit rough patches anyway. That matches my own experience; there are no perfect relationships, even when characters are really right together, they still have to work on things.

This book centers an ongoing D/s relationship where service is one of the core ways the D/s works, and the characters are in D/s dynamic together unless they establish a break from that. I wanted to show what that can look like when both characters are disabled and genderfluid, are dealing with the realities of chronic pain and mental illness and autism, have genders that move and change, all of which needs them to be flexible about being in dynamic and what that looks like, and to navigate service in ways that work for both of them in the moment. There is so much that is fluid and unpredictable in their daily reality. The D/s dynamic is flexible enough to move with that, but also a foundation that they can potentially lean on as other things change. They use honorifics with each other, but generally lean less formal than most of what I’ve seen represented in D/s fiction, and that informality is partly about who these particular characters are, and also a way their D/s can stretch to hold them when the MCs are in pain and dealing with brain fog, or dealing with mental illness flares.

One size definitely does not fit all when it comes to D/s relationships, and this one was built by these two characters to suit them as people and as a couple. I wanted to show one way that kind of relationship can be built, and also show where the stress points of it might be, the places where difficulties might create trouble for the relationship as a whole. In this case, it is a combination of factors, both magical and mundane, that are putting stress on this relationship. (The MCs are mages, after all!) The core of the story is about how the MC untangles these intertwined issues with the help of xyr BFF Ezra, and finds a way to work together with Noam to shore up their relationship. It is my take on the couple on the rocks romance trope, one of my most favorite tropes ever.

Nine of Swords, Reversed is out today! I am excited to share it, and I do hope you enjoy Dev, Noam, and Ezra as much as I enjoyed writing them.

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Dev has been with xyr service submissive Noam for seven years and xe loves them very much. Dev and Noam have built a good life together in Noam’s family home in Oakland, where they both can practice their magecraft, celebrate the high holidays in comfort, support each other as their disabilities flare, and where Noam can spend Shabbos with their beloved family ghost.

But Dev’s got a problem: xe has had so much arthritis pain recently that xe has not been able to shield properly. As an empath, no shielding means Dev cannot safely touch Noam. That has put a strain on their relationship, and it feels like Noam is pulling away from xym. To top it off, Dev has just had an upsetting dream-vision about xyrself and Noam that caused one of the biggest meltdowns xe has had in a while. It’s only with a timely tarot reading and the help of another genderfluid mage that Dev is able to unpack the situation. Can xe figure out how to address the issues in xyr relationship with Noam before everything falls apart?

This romance novelette includes Jewish queer genderfluid mage MCs, the couple on the rocks trope, and fat, autistic, disabled, chronic pain, PTSD and depression representation.

An excerpt can be found here.

Content Warnings can be found in the front of the book and also here.

The Alchemy of D/s

This post is part of the blog tour for Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 3 !

(As a heads up, this post discusses D/s dynamics at length and detail, with particular focus on service-based submission. It briefly references pain play.)

I have very fond memories of my first experience with service-based submission. There was something so magical about the way the world narrowed to this one person, and all of who I was oriented towards her, like she was the sun and I was a plant reaching for her, focused on her, worshiping her. I was filled with this purpose: to please her, to be a good boy for Sir, and that intent shaped everything. It was a transformative joyful experience, one I will forever be grateful for.

Each time I write about service-based submission from the servant’s perspective, I remember the electricity of that, the breathless newness, the sparkling pleasure of her praise, how it felt like I was tapping into my best self. The way that experience felt like this deep resounding bell of confirmation al throughout my body, that this was a core part of me.

My story “Trying Submission” centers Liliana, a woman who has been bottoming for quite a while, but has no experience with D/s. She asks Roz, a member of her leather family who is in town for a little while, to do a scene with her where she gets to try submission.

 “I want to try submission,” she said, as fast as she could get it out.

“Submission.” Roz seemed to taste the word, roll it around her tongue. “You want to try submission. Have you tried submission before?”

“No, I haven’t,” she said softly. “I’ve just thought about it.”

“Mmmhmm. How long have you been thinking about it?”

Liliana sighed. “A very long time.”

When they negotiate, there are a few things that stand out as what Liliana wants in the scene. She wants to sit at Roz’s feet and feel her hand on the back of her neck; she wants to take pain for Roz; she wants to be useful; she wants to give over control to Roz; and she wants to be treasured. These are the things that shape the D/s scene that follows.

There is a certain kind of alchemy that happens with D/s, in my experience. I’ve written before about the tipping point, that delicious moment when D/s dynamic crystallizes between people. There is a spark between Roz and Liliana from the beginning of the story; Liliana is aware of it, of Roz’s gaze, of the way she feels safer and a bit vulnerable when they hug, of wanting to call Roz ma’am. But it’s not until they are beginning their scene that Roz deliberately invokes the D/s, and they have this moment of transformation, of alchemy; their tipping point, where things like sitting at Roz’s feet and feeling Roz’s hand on the back of her neck, Roz pulling her hair, transform the energy between them. That alchemy comes from the sensory experience of these actions but also from the meaning they both bring to them. They create this shift together, and it’s a marvelous thing. Quite literally, as Roz openly marvels at it, saying that Liliana’s hair is the key.

I think most folks need to experiment a bit, to find the keys that turn within themself, the keys that turn within a partner, to find those activities that are transformative, that create that alchemy where the potential for D/s becomes the reality of it. Often that experimentation is expected to be the dominant’s job (though it could just as easily be mutual or led by the submissive), and often it is seen as mysterious magic that the dominant does, where we are supposed to ignore the man behind the curtain. It certainly can especially feel that way for novices, who are mostly focused on processing the reality of that D/s experience, and noticing how they got there can get a bit lost In the breathless wonder of being there.

I definitely have no clue how that first dominant of mine got us there, and don’t really think I brought much to that alchemy beyond my own fervent desire to try this for the first time. Liliana is in a similar boat, experiencing the wonder of D/s for the first time, and almost overwhelmed by it. I loved writing that experience, drawing a picture of that kind of alchemy happening for them, from deep inside Liliana’s point of view.

Once they are deep in dynamic, and Liliana is in languorous floating subspace, Roz shifts the scene to focus on service. Liliana has expressed a deep desire to be useful, and this gives her an opportunity for that. On the surface, the acts described are mundane and not particularly intense or delicious. It’s their D/s dynamic and the meaning they both bring to these acts that make them feel charged and full of intensity and pleasure.

I wanted to frame this as a moment of joy, of electric anticipation, a dearly desired experience that would open things up for Liliana, give her a space to touch new parts of who she is. This story is about her self-discovery, the way she seeks it out for herself, asks for help in facilitating it, and opens to it when it’s in front of her. My hope is that I was able to depict the intensity and pleasure in being held and met and treasured in who you are by someone you trust and care for, of trying something that you have deeply desired for a long time and finding out that it is as wondrous as you had hoped. Here is a taste of the beginning of the service in this story:

 “Okay, girl. I have a job for you.”

Liliana smiled. A job specifically for her. It was amazing how lucky that made her feel.

“Sit up for me now.”

Liliana extricated herself from Roz, and sat, waiting. She breathed it in, the waiting to hear how she could be useful. This moment was good all on its own, full of anticipation and purpose and clarity.

“You know Femme Brunch is tomorrow. I need you to iron my dress, and pick out the right accessories for it.”

Oh, my. Liliana’s hands started fluttering and a smile burst onto her face. Yes, she wanted to do this. To do it right.

“Oh you like that, do you girl?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

[image error]“Trying Submission” has the honor of appearing in Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 3, edited by Sacchi Green, published by Cleis Press. That collection is out now, and available at all retailers (including Amazon where sales have a great impact), but your best deal is to purchase it at Cleis Press. There, you can get 40% off print books with the code HOLIDAY2018, and the ebook is substantially cheaper (over $4 less) on the Cleis site.

“Trying Submission” is a stand-alone excerpt from my WIP queer kinky polyamorous romance novel Shocking Violet. Find out more about Shocking Violet, along with more excerpts, here.

I am elated that reviewers are enjoying my story. Here are some quotes from reviews that discuss it:

Publisher’s Weekly:

“the real gems in this anthology are those that eschew the usual pert, young, able-bodied subjects of erotic fantasy in favor of more thoughtful, relatable portrayals, and are all the sexier for it. Of particular note… [is] Xan West’s ‘Trying Submission,’ which flagrantly challenges all the old standards of the genre to celebrate a fat, disabled, autistic trans woman of color as she finds satisfaction in service.”

Library Journal:

“Xan West’s ‘Trying Submission’ examines the first taste of submission for Liliana, who has autism, to gentle power-house Roz and offers a lovely depiction of power play that might be an introduction for some to service-oriented submission.”

SmutGeek:

“one of the best D/s pieces I’ve ever read…I fell in love with the story in the first moments of reading it. The main character, Lillian, is a fat, femme, submissive that speaks to my heart with her Ursula t-shirt and joint issues (knee). Even her dark lipstick and the way she imagines her barriers strengthening through tentacles made me grin with joy when reading.”

Why I Care About Depicting Survivors of Abusive BDSM Continuing to Do Kink

As a heads up, this post discusses abusive BDSM relationships, intimate partner violence, and sexual assault. It also discusses ableism and stigma around mental illness in kink communities, anti-kink prejudice in survivor spaces and therapeutic treatment, and kink community responses to abuse. It includes a brief reference to an abusive therapist. It includes a brief description of an erotica story that includes age play, edge play, Daddy play, and rape play.

I tweeted this yesterday: “One of the core reasons I write fiction about survivors of abusive BDSM doing kink is that it’s very rare to find realistic depictions of that experience and I care about creating that representation because I need it so badly myself, and I needed it especially as a novice.”

I want to talk a bit about why this representation is so important to me. It’s not just the piece about realistic depictions of survivors of abusive BDSM, though that matters deeply to me as a survivor of that sort of abuse. It is also very important to me to write about survivors of abusive kinky relationships continuing to do kink, for several reasons, which I discuss below.

Before I begin, I want to note that it is up to each trauma survivor to make their own choices around how to manage trauma, what relationships they want, how/if they want to continue to do kink/be connected to kink communities. I am speaking from my own experience, and describing my own needs and choices. You choose what’s right for you. I myself have made a range of choices around how, with whom, and what sorts of kink I was up for, in trying to grapple with the impact of abusive BDSM relationships. I do not believe that there is one right way. I support survivors in making these choices for themselves, and trying a variety of different things if they want to, in the aftermath of abuse.

Ableism around mental illness in kink communities

There is a deep stigma in kink communities around playing and creating relationships with folks who are mentally ill. This isn’t of course unique to kink communities as ableism around mental illness abounds everywhere. But I find it to be especially intense in kink & polyamorous communities, where folks often talk derisively about “crazy exes,” about not “sticking your dick in crazy,” insist that they aren’t like the “crazy” people who do x kink practice, and other such intensely open hostility. This is compounded in kink communities in particular by the framework of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) which while originally intended to talk about play and not the people doing it, is commonly translated to excluding mentally ill folks from play, probably partly because it’s built on an ableist framework and uses ableist language. Ableism is deeply embedded in kink communities, and as I’ve discussed before, I think some of the ableism around mental illness is a defensive reaction against being deemed “crazy” solely for being kinky.

This is further compounded by a generally ableist framework around play, where folks are often urged to only do x kink activity (especially SM and bondage) with people that are perfectly physically healthy (I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard kink educators espouse this). Folks are often similarly urged to avoid doing x activity (especially D/s and psychological play) with folks who are mentally ill. In my experience, many people do not disclose mental illness, chronic pain and physical disabilities out of concern that nobody will want to play with them. When I teach kink education classes for trauma survivors, I hear numerous stories of rejection and fear of disclosure, fear of being perceived as “too messy” to play with. I hear numerous stories of trauma survivors ignoring red flags and not advocating for their own needs in negotiation and BDSM relationships because they feel like it’s a miracle anyone would be up for playing with them because of their PTSD.

So yes, ableism around mental illness and in particular a stigma around playing with mentally ill folks is a problem in kink communities. One that deeply impacts the experiences of survivors with PTSD as well as other mental illnesses. Hopefully, kink fiction that shows survivors doing kink helps to challenge that a bit. Fiction can’t do it on its own, but I do think that seeing yourself on the page has an impact and that kink fiction can influence kink culture.

Anti-kink prejudice in survivor communities and support systems

Another piece of this is that in survivor communities and treatment options, there is a lot of anti-kink prejudice and kink is often stigmatized. So seeking support for trauma while in or after leaving an abusive BDSM relationship is a challenge, and many survivors either choose not to or try to seek those resources while being closeted about the kink, which makes them substantively less helpful. Few written resources about abuse and to aid survivor healing are kink inclusive or kink friendly (you have to know where to look), and finding kink aware counseling around this sort of abuse is a big challenge as well, even in urban areas where more resources exist.

After leaving an abusive D/s relationship, when I sought help for the trauma, it never occurred to me to seek counseling at an intimate partner violence non-profit agency because I assumed that they would be anti-kink, from my experience working in that field. Instead, I sought private therapy and interviewed about a dozen therapists, looking for someone who was trans savvy and who wouldn’t try to get me to stop doing kink, or say that I was kinky because of my trauma history.

I was ferociously adamant that this experience of abuse not rob me of kink. I had worked so hard to accept my kinkiness (after having an early therapist try to cure me of it). I had worked so hard to find ways to express my kinkiness; it was vitally important to me, core to how I saw myself. And I knew that for many people, the response to a story about an abusive D/s relationship would be to urge me to stop doing kink. I wasn’t wrong about that. Most of those therapists flat out refused to work with me while I continued to do kink.

Using writing to imagine non-abusive BDSM relationships

When I was in that abusive D/s relationship, isolated and scared and struggling to hold onto my sense of self and my joy in submission, one of the things that kept me going was the idea that maybe D/s didn’t have to be like this. Maybe it could look different, feel different. Maybe D/s didn’t need to be a project of destruction and fear, maybe it wasn’t always about grinding the submissive partner down to dust.

I wrote a story from deep inside that abusive D/s relationship, in an attempt to imagine my way out. “Dancing for Daddy” is about an adult survivor of child sexual abuse pushing her edges and exploring age play that includes rape play, with a Daddy she loves and trusts. It is also the first erotica story that I published, a couple years after it was written. It’s included in my queer kink erotica collection Show Yourself to Me.

The story is a survivor fantasy, an imagining of the sort of cathartic play that I ached for. It is a reclaiming of my desire, for myself, at a moment when I thought nothing could be mine. It is a vow to honor my desire, even when it comes loaded with so many landmines.

I wrote it to tell myself a story about how this sort of play could be: if it were consensual, if you had a Daddy that was worthy of your trust, if you pushed your edges with care and within a safe-enough container. I wrote it to show myself that kink didn’t have to be what I was experiencing, that it could be careful and mutual and consensual, that dominants could be responsible and caring and careful, that what I was experiencing was masquerading as kink but was actually abuse. I wrote that story to promise myself that deciding I didn’t want to do this anymore with my abusive dominant did not mean I was choosing to stop doing kink. I wrote that story, and within a few weeks I had left my abusive partner. Writing “Dancing for Daddy” helped me get free.

I truly believe that if I had been told that kink was the problem inherent in that relationship, that I would need to give up kink in order to be free of abuse, it would have taken me much much longer to get out. The idea that the problem was this relationship specifically, and not kink in general, is what made it possible for me to leave then. The person I called to help me leave that house that night was someone deeply embedded in kink community, a regular play partner of mine. When I relocated to a new city soon after, one of the first things I did was to seek out kink community and in particular kink education, with the hope of learning ways to prevent this from happening to me again. I was not willing to leave kink in order to leave my abuser, and I deeply believe that I would not have left that relationship, or would not have stayed away, if I had felt that was the only way.

After leaving that relationship, I ached for realistic stories, models, examples of folks who survived abusive kink continuing to do kink. They were (and still are) difficult to find. At that time, the only one I found was a pair of Patrick Califia stories, “Mercy” and “No Mercy”, about a leatherdyke submissive leaving her abusive first dominant, that was printed in his collection No Mercy. (That book is out of print, but you can find both stories in his later collection, Blood and Silver, which is still available, and which includes some of my favorite stories of his.)

Since these stories were so difficult to find, I started writing them. I wrote about a Daddy who used to be a boy and stopped submitting because of his experience of abuse, vowing to be better more responsible, careful, and caring dominants to his own boys. I wrote about a dominant exploring being a service submissive again after many years of choosing only to be a dominant in the aftermath of abuse, and the glorious experience of submitting again, of serving after so many years. I wrote multiple stories about survivors of trauma trusting their partners to hold space for them in cathartic play.

I’m still writing stories like this. My erotica collection Show Yourself to Me is a survivor-centered book in many ways. The next project I’m planning, a kinky queer Beauty and the Beast romance retelling, centers a survivor recovery arc. And my current WIP Shocking Violet is a polyamorous romance novel centering queer and trans survivors doing kink with each other, managing their trauma reactions, creating trust with each other, seeking cathartic play, supporting each other in the aftermath of abusive kink.

Kink community responses to disclosure of abuse

Which brings me to another reason I care about this kind of representation in kink literature. Kink communities, like many communities, often do not respond particularly well to disclosure of abuse within the community. They often silence discussion of abuse (both of specific disclosures and what it can look like in general in kinky relationships), shun survivors (especially marginalized survivors and survivors who seek remedies and protection from the state), worry more about how vanilla folks will use stories of abuse to smear kinky people than about the well-being of survivors, decide that the solution is to add extra intense policing around gender and who is allowed in the door, rarely hold abusive folks accountable, struggle to figure out how to respond to abusive behavior and boundary and consent violations that occur in community spaces, act as if playing in public, seeking references so as to find “safe people” to play with, and quietly sharing information about missing stairs creates safety for everyone, push folks out of the community so they become somebody else’s problem (sometimes all parties, sometimes survivors, sometimes abusive folks, which leads to further isolation of their partners). This isn’t true of all kink communities, but it has generally been my experience, and is something I hear many stories about; it’s fairly common.

Part of the role of culture is to illuminate these kinds of problems, and to imagine other ways of creating consensual kink and responding to abuse in kink communities. For me, writing erotica stories that include references to abusive BDSM as part of the backstory for a character is a critical piece of not erasing this common reality. In my longer work, I have been telling more in-depth detailed survivor centered stories about doing kink, and  imagining other ways my characters might respond to abuse in kink communities and putting that on the page, as well.

Kink fiction isn’t going to resolve the community and societal issues that lead to abusive BDSM. Neither is kink education and other writing that illuminates ways to discern abusive dynamics and discusses what consensual D/s might look like, and multiple ways to get to consent. But I have found that kink education and kink non-fiction writing can provide helpful information and context for folks grappling with abusive situations. And kink fiction is a key place where survivor readers might catch glimpses of their own experiences, where we might begin to challenge ableist stigma in kink communities, and where we might begin to create survivor centered fantasies of the kinds of kink community responses to abuse that might feel supportive and good to us.

A Birthday Exerpt from Shocking Violet

I thought I would post an excerpt from Shocking Violet, my kinky queer polyamorous romance novel WIP, for my birthday, as a present for you.

As Zak has a birthday in the timeframe of the novel, that section seems like the best choice, given the occasion. Zaks birthday is a turning point in the story, in many ways. Both his birthday party, which happens earlier, and his actual birthday, which is what I want to share a bit of with you. He has a tradition of getting together with Jax on his birthday, December 22, and watching his most favorite Christmas movie, Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys. Those plans shift a bit in this excerpt, which doesn’t really reference Christmas but does include a celebration of Chanukah. (This novel takes place December-January, it’s got a bunch of holiday celebration in the midst of everything else going on.)

For context, Jax and Zak are best friends, and have a friends to lovers arc in this novel. (The fun of writing polyamorous  romances like this one is that I get to write multiple romance arcs!)  You can see them pining for each other in this excerpt. If you want to know more about these characters or read previous excerpts, you can find a synopsis and more excerpts here.

As a heads up, this excerpt includes a trauma survivor character getting triggered and managing being triggered, experiencing self blame around getting triggered, and obliquely referencing sexual abuse history. It also includes references to D/s. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Jax

Jax had made a special trip after work to get gluten free birthday cupcakes for Zak. He knew that Zak would probably have plenty of food already there, but he wanted to bring him something special that he didn’t need to make himself. So a trip to the Lower East Side it was. He’d arranged to do a site visit at a program nearby so he could just walk to the bakery from there, and it wasn’t even snowing.

The bakery was surprisingly crowded, and he was glad he’d placed an order last week, because the case looked a bit sparse. It was such a surreal universe in there, like he’d travelled back to the 60s or something. This was Zak’s favorite gluten free bakery, and he remembered the last time he’d been here. Zak had dragged him after a rather depressing trip to a sex shop. He was nauseous afterwards, and Zak had insisted they try to walk it off, and get a treat after that ordeal. They’d stopped in here for gluten free cupcakes, and then had gone to Jax’s favorite Chinese restaurant and sat talking for hours. Jax had been avoiding this place, and the Chinese restaurant, since that day. For the last two years. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have come here today.

He had done that thing again, where the story he told everyone, of how he was just fine, had felt real enough that he’d believed it. He hadn’t remembered that he was limited now, in ways he hadn’t been before. He’d convinced himself he was just fine, didn’t need to avoid those pockets of New York that held these kinds of associations. When avoiding them was part of how he survived. Well, he had ignored that, so now he got to deal with the dysphoria, the flashes of memories. He’d brought it on himself.

He really didn’t want to bring this to Zak, though. Sure, Zak would understand, and be supportive, but Jax wanted to be in a better place than this before he showed up. Ok then. He stopped at a bodega and got a cup of tea, a sudoku book, and some cinnamon breath mints. If those things didn’t work, he’d try something else. He had a bunch of tricks up his sleeve.

He tried cinnamon first, while he was walking to the train. It helped some, especially in the cold, was one of the stims that really worked for him, just sharp enough to take all of his focus. When he got to the station, he tried the tea, and the warmth of it was good. Felt like comfort, like tending to himself, and made him breath slower. He felt his shoulders drift down a bit. Good.

Next, the sudoku. He sunk into it so deep, working the patterns of numbers using a chain of strategies that was satisfying in its repetition. That helped the most, really, to give his brain something else to focus on. He tried it with the cinnamon, and it took up all the space, there was nothing else. So much that he missed his stop, and had to take the train back in the other direction. That was okay, because he was in a much better place to celebrate Zak’s birthday now.

As he walked to Zak’s place from the train, he realized he was going to need to ask Zak if they could watch a different movie. He wasn’t up for a children’s film tonight, it would be too much of a risk when he was dealing with these kinds of flashbacks. They would figure it out. He hoped Zak wouldn’t be too disappointed.

He didn’t seem to be. He mostly just seemed happy to see Jax, and glad they were celebrating his birthday together. Zak ran through options, and the best one seemed to be an old Katherine Hepburn movie, a romantic comedy with Cary Grant. Jax was up for that; he hadn’t seen this one yet, but had heard wonderful things.

He’d brought his menorah, and they set it up on the table by the window. Zak stood so close Jax could feel the heat radiating from his body. He fumbled a few times, getting the candles set up, more than usual even. He finally got them set up, and began to light them, going slow because there were only two, and two blessings to sing. Zak didn’t sing, just stood there solemnly, almost leaning into Jax, sharing the moment with him. He didn’t seem to notice that Jax’s hand was trembling. It seemed to take forever to get the shamash to stay in its holder, but he finally did it, and went into the second blessing.

“Happy Chanukah,” Zak said softly.

“Happy Chanukah, Zak,” Jax said, and handed him the present he had brought for him, a trio of one act plays about AIDS from the 80s that Zak had been complaining he couldn’t get his hands on. Zak’s face when he tore off the wrapper was amazing, this electric joy in his eyes and those dimples making an appearance. Zak handed him his usual holiday gift, these amazing cookies that he baked himself, always packing them in a tin with a dragon stenciled on it for Jax, though everyone else seemed to get much more generic tins. Jax was pretty sure Zak stenciled on the dragons himself, though each year they were different. He gave Zak a big hug, and could tell that he startled him, because he held very still, like he didn’t want to do anything to make the hug stop, but he leaned into Jax’s chest with his cheek. Jax held him for a moment, breathing slow, resting his own cheek on the top of Zak’s head. Then he whispered thank you, and ended the hug.

Zak had also made an amazing feast. Latkes, and this chicken soup with meat so tender it made Jax swoon. He’d gotten Jax’s favorite pickles, too. And made cheesy popcorn from scratch, Jax’s favorite. Comfort food. Not just any comfort food, but Jax’s comfort food. So, what Zak wanted to do most on his own birthday was provide Jax comfort. Oh. This shouldn’t be a surprise, but, it really was, actually. He hadn’t put it together quite like that before. After all this time, there were still things to learn about his best friend, after all.

He really didn’t want to lose this friendship. Jax knew he tended to try to keep things the same as much as he could. And sometimes they did need to change. The newness with Violet, trying D/s in a new way, that had been this tremendous thing, had opened him up somehow. That was why he’d taken the risk with Rickie. Well, that and the conversation he’d had with Zak. The change with Rickie, it was good, really good. Was this another thing that also needed to change?

As they sat there, cuddled on the couch watching some of the best banter Jax had ever seen, he thought about it. What if it did need to change? What if it had already started to change? It kind of felt like maybe it had. He was seeing Zak differently now, and wasn’t sure he could stop. He’d put away this possibility long ago, but that had been cuz he’d thought he’d blown it. What if he hadn’t, it just hadn’t been the right time?

Cary Grant and Kate Hepburn were bickering when Zak adjusted his position to lie on the couch, and rested his head on Jax’s thigh. Before Jax even thought about it, his hand was in the boy’s hair, stroking it gently. It was like every single part of him that was touching Zak was acutely aware and full of electrical impulses zinging around, especially his fingertips moving through Zak’s hair. He lost the movie entirely, lost everything in the room, was certain he couldn’t make words if he tried, all of him was focused on these places of physical connection. His breathing slowed, and he closed his eyes to just concentrate on the feel of Zak’s cheek on his thigh, Zak’s hair under his hand. His heart filled with this rightness, this quiet certainty. He wanted to dominate this man. He had wanted to for so damn long. They had layers of relationship already. This was just another layer. He resolved to bring it up with Zak tonight, after the movie ended. Except Zak got there first.

On Taboo Erotica

As a heads up, this post discusses taboo erotica. It mentions and occasionally gives examples that briefly describe some content of taboo erotica and some common taboo kinks like incest play, nonconsent, and water sports. It also discusses being a survivor of trauma and having taboo fantasies, though not in detail.

I’ve been writing and publishing taboo erotica for over 15 years. My first erotica publication was a taboo story, and many of my other publications since then were also taboo erotica. Most of my solo collection is taboo erotica. It’s one of the things I am most well known for, as an erotica writer.

Some taboo erotica involves things that would be wrong if they happened in a real world context, where they would be things like abuse, violence, and exploitation of power positions. Some taboo erotica involves things that are culturally frowned upon. Some involves both. These are generally things that many people have fantasies about, and want to read fiction about (and often want to erotically engage with that fiction). Some folks also do these taboo things in the context of consensual BDSM, for a variety of reasons, and want to read stories about kinky folks like them, or stories that will feed their fantasy and erotic life.

When I think of taboo erotica, I generally break it into two categories that are mostly about authorial style: taboo fantasy stories and taboo BDSM stories. In my sense of them, both kinds of stories serve similar and overlapping audiences: people who are into reading about (and perhaps erotically engaging with) a particular taboo kink (e.g. incest play, water sports, humiliation, rape play, age play, mindfuck, blood sports). These two categories are not that markedly different from each other in content, but they serve these audiences in different ways, meet different needs.

In my personal definition, taboo fantasy erotica is fiction that depicts the taboo thing directly as if it’s occurring in the real world, and taboo BDSM erotica is fiction that depicts the taboo thing taking place within the context of consensual BDSM.

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As a reader of taboo erotica, I generally prefer taboo BDSM erotica. It’s more accessible for me as a trauma survivor; I often find taboo fantasy erotica triggering in a more intense way. That’s why I am grateful to folks who write taboo fantasy erotica that label it clearly (the word taboo is a big clue, and its often on the cover), give content warnings, and write book descriptions that indicate that’s what it is. Because then I can choose to avoid things I’m not up for reading.  And find things that I am interested in reading.

As a writer of taboo BDSM erotica, I endeavor to make sure readers have a sense of what they are getting, give content warnings, lead up to things in text to ensure readers know this is in the context of consensual BDSM, in general try to make my work accessible to survivor readers. That said, I know that folks who want queer Daddy play stories, for example, will perhaps read both my taboo BDSM Daddy stories and taboo fantasy Daddy stories, though many readers prefer one sort over the other.

I’ve had a number of readers complain about the effort I put in to make it absolutely clear that this is consensual BDSM, because it doesn’t really allow them let go and sink into the fantasy they want. And I’ve had readers thank me for writing their kinks in a way that framed them as consensual kink, because it made the stories safe for them to read. So yes, readers have preferences, but it’s important to note that both kinds of erotica are desired by readers.

One kind of taboo erotica is not better or more morally pure than the other. As I see it, taboo erotica authors are involved in connected projects. Our work helps readers get off to and otherwise engage with taboo fantasies. And different readers have different needs in that arena.

What I think is often missed in discussions of taboo fantasies, kinks, and erotica, is that some of the folks who read this kind of stuff, and/or practice consensual BDSM involving these kinds of fantasies and taboos, are folks who are targeted by the real life abusive versions of these things in life. When I teach kink classes for survivors, I inevitably get questions from rape survivors who have rape fantasies, for example. The folks I know who play with queer hating slurs in the context of BDSM are bashing survivors and folks who get targeted with these slurs in their daily life. These are the folks I think about when I’m writing taboo BDSM erotica…folks for whom these fantasies are intensely loaded, and resonate deeply. That’s not my whole audience, of course, but I do think that it’s an important thing to acknowledge, that part of what this kind of erotica can do is serve the erotic needs of survivors. (Ironically, the folks who think this kind of work is wrong or that we are terrible people for writing it often say they are protecting survivors.)

Writing and reading erotica is one of the safer and more accessible ways to explore and engage with emotionally loaded taboo fantasies, especially ones involving fantasies of abusive power and non-consent. These are very common fantasies in general and are also common fantasies for survivors. In my experience both personally and from speaking to other survivors, taboo erotica (and erotica in general) can be an important tool in reclaiming desire and sexuality after trauma. I care about trauma survivors being able to get those needs met.

I also care about trauma survivors who do not want to read such stories, for whatever reason. Which is why I think it’s so helpful when folks who write this material label it clearly, have book descriptions that are accurate, and use content warnings. These things can be invaluable for survivor readers, and also help readers in general find the books that contain the kinks they want to read.

Queer Romance Writing Resources

I’m gathering resources here for writers of queer romance. This is a work in progress. I will gladly take any recommendations you have for resources. I will keep adding to this list.

Resources with big archives/many links:

The Hopeless Romantic podcast focuses on queer romance, and spends a bunch of time talking craft.
Read With Pride Northwest was a conference centering on queer genre fiction. You can access info about past cons on their site. For videos of past panels, try their youtube channel.
Queer Romance Month is an event that occurred in 2014 & 2015, where queer romance writers created a bunch of content for pride month. The archives are a great resource.
Story Hospital is one of my favorite writing resources. If you have a specific question about something you are working on, I highly recommend asking StoryNurse.
NSFW: Queer and Sexy Resources for Authors of Romance and Erotica a resource list put together by E.E. Ottoman.
A collection of essays and resources about writing trans and/or non-binary literature.
My resource list on writing the other.

Individual blog posts and interviews:

Writing Lesbian Fiction, an interview with Clare Lydon.
A Chat With Cat Sebastian About Writing Queer Characters in Historical Romance.
On Comparisons: Writing Trans Characters in Same-Gender Romance by Austin Chant.
On obligatory scenes in trans romance by Austin Chant.
An interview with Brigitte Bautista on Bibliosapphic.
An interview with NG Peltier on Bibliosapphic.
An interview with CB Lee on Bibliosapphic.
On the Presumed Heterosexual Cisgender Audience and Writing LGBT Romance by E.E. Ottoman. A response post by Alexis Hall: The Rest is Drag.
On writing an aromantic comedy by Daria Defore.
Never take writing advice from me (AKA How I Write Books) by Daria Defore.
StoryHospital’s post on Showing, Telling, and Tension in Romance.

Things I’ve written, from this site and elsewhere on the web:

My column on Erotica Readers & Writers Association may be useful, especially when thinking about writing sex & BDSM
My post on consent and negotiation in kink life and kink fiction
I have begun to write a blog series on writing sex scenes with trans characters that have less cissexism. Part 1 on cissexism between characters. Part 2 on story level trans-exclusion.
My thread on writing strap-on sex.
Here are some writing resources on this blog that may be useful.
My twitter lecture on  “Ways to Introduce that a Character Is Trans (& Pitfalls to Avoid)” for #NotRWA17 (Links to all the NotRWA17 threads)



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Essays and Resources about Writing Trans and/or Non-Binary Literature

At the end of my list of links to reviews of trans and/or non-binary literature by trans and/or non-binary reviewers, there is a resource list. I am pulling out most of it as a separate resource post for writers. All of these essays and resources were written/created by trans and/or non-binary writers.

General Essays On Writing Trans &/or Non-Binary Fiction

Dear Cisgender People Who Write, Publish, and Read Trans Books by Constance Augusta Zaber, a trans woman writer and critic

Writing Better Trans Characters by Cheryl Morgan, a trans woman writer

Should I or Shouldn’t I? On Writing Trans Narratives Respectfully by John Jacobson, a non-binary genderqeer writer

How to Write Trans Characters by Everett Maroon, a trans man writer

Being Trans is a Lot Like Being a Book by Austin Chant, a trans man writer

10 Helpful Tips from a Trans Woman for Making a Trans Woman Super Hero by Mey Rude, a trans woman writer and editor

Ways to Intro that a Char is Trans (& Pitfalls to Avoid) by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer (a twitter workshop focused on romance, but useful for other genres)

Writing Non-Binary Characters – A Primer by Cecil Wilde, a non-binary trans writer.

Trans Tropes That Have Got to Go (as Told by Trans Readers) by Avery, a neutrois/agender writer and reviewer

 

On Trans and/or Non-Binary Children’s Literature

Evaluating Transgender Picture Books; Calling for Better Ones by Kyle Lukoff, a trans librarian and author

Second Trans on the Moon by Kyle Lukoff, a trans librarian and author

On Trans and/or Non-Binary YA

The Acceptance Narrative in Trans YA by Vee, a non-binary trans blogger

The Hero’s Journey in Trans YA by Vee, a non-binary trans blogger

Trans Representation in YA Is Only the Beginning by Everett Maroon, a trans man writer

On Trans and/or Non-Binary SFF

Gender, Sex, and Sexuality in SF: A Conversation between Polenth Blake, a non-binary writer, and Bogi Takács, an agender trans writer and reviewer

Changing Images of Trans People in Science Fiction and Fantasy Literature by Cheryl Morgan, a trans woman writer

Beyond 101: a conversation about trans and/or non-binary SFF with Katherine Cross, Margaret Killjoy, Ana Mardoll, K.M. Szpara, and Vanessa Rose Phin.

On Trans and/or Non-Binary Erotica and Romance

Talking Trans Erotica with Tobi Hill-Meyer by Jetta Rae. Tobi Hill-Meyer is a genderqueer trans woman writer, editor, actor and filmmaker. Jetta Rae is a trans woman writer and editor.

On Comparisons: Writing Trans Characters in Same-Gender Romance by Austin Chant, a trans man writer.

On obligatory scenes in trans romance by Austin Chant, a trans man writer.

On Internalizing the Cis Gaze When Thinking About Sex and Relationships (discusses this issue both in communities and in trans romance and erotica), by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Writing Erotica for Trans Readers (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

Writing Sex Scenes with Less Cissexism (Part 1, Part 2) by Xan West, a trans stone butch/genderqueer writer

On Trans &/or Non-Binary Poetry

Waves Breaking, a podcast showcasing the talents of transgender, genderqueer and other gender variant poets, hosted by Avren Keating, a non-binary poet and artist.

 

 

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Regarding Santino Hassell

Please see my statement on my blog.

A Valentines Day Excerpt from Shocking Violet

I thought I would post an excerpt from Shocking Violet, my kinky queer polyamorous romance novel WIP, for Valentine’s Day, as a present for you. It’s been over a year since I posted one, and I am nearing the finish line in my first draft.

This is from Jax and Violet’s second date. Jax is a Jewish autistic fat disabled trans stone butch with PTSD. Violet is a Jewish autistic fat chronically ill high femme queer cis woman with PTSD. They are both polyamorous, and have met recently. If you want to read an earlier excerpt from their second date, it is here. Links to other excerpts from Shocking Violet are all collected here.

This excerpt shows Jax and Violet’s first D/s scene. It also shows some things I rarely see in BDSM romance: beginning with BDSM play where sex is off the table, a dominant checking in with himself before play to be sure he is up for it, a survivor making it clear she doesn’t want her partner to try to fix her trauma, survivors talking openly about the risk of being triggered by play, an autistic submissive going non-verbal during play.

Before Jax and Violet play, they dance to this song, one of my favorites by Leonard Cohen.

I hope you enjoy this excerpt; it is dear to my heart.

(As a heads up, the excerpt includes: D/s, boot play, a submissive pushing her personal edges, an autistic trauma survivor going non-verbal during BDSM play, references to being a trauma survivor and getting triggered.)

****

Jax

Jax ran his hands under cold water, splashed some on his face, and took slow breaths as he pictured his stone dragon self: his powerful jaw, wings that could raise a hurricane, claws like daggers, fire in his belly, armored everywhere. He checked in with himself. He was ready. He wanted to play with Violet tonight. So he took the time to clean his boots. Not a thorough cleaning, but given the snow tonight, he needed to tend to them before playing. As he did, he thought about the scene ahead.

Jax knew that he wanted to start slow, and was feeling very certain in this moment that he wanted to take sex off the table for tonight. Partly to let D/s be the center. And partly because sex was always edgy for him as a stone butch, especially the first time with a new partner. He wanted to move from a place of comfort and certainty right now, so he could hold the fact that she was pushing her edges even contemplating this. That meant starting small and slow and staying in his comfort zone.

He breathed in, slow and even, thinking about what he wanted, how to get there. Then he made his way back into Violet’s bedroom. She was lying on her bed, shoes off, and Leonard Cohen’s voice was filling the room. Damn, she liked Leonard Cohen too? This song was one of Jax’s favorites, partly because it sounded so much like klezmer. Jax offered his hand to her, and she took it, so he drew her up to stand, and pulled her into a slow dance. Her breath on his neck was mesmerizing. She felt so good in his arms, swaying next to him, just a bit shorter than usual because she wasn’t wearing heels. He took a chance, and twirled her. Her laugh was glorious, mixing with the violin in this swirling almost dizzying beauty. Then the song ended, and she turned the music off, saying “You know, I have a tattoo based on that song.”

“Oh do you? Show me.”

She sat on the bed and lifted first one ankle, then the other, to show him the words wrapping round them: “Dance me through the panic/Till I’m gathered safely in.” He asked with his eyes, and she nodded, so he traced the words, his fingertips savoring every letter.

“That’s beautiful, Violet,” he said hoarsely.

“Thank you. It’s a good reminder for me, that what I want is a companion while I deal with my trauma, not someone to fix it or make it go away. Someone that I trust enough to dance through it with me, and not try to control it, just be present.”

“That’s an important thing to remember. Thank you for telling me that.”

“It felt important to say. Especially if we are going to try D/s. That is certain to stir up my trauma, eventually.”

“Honestly, Violet, it may stir up mine, as well. That’s part of the risk of two trauma survivors trying something new and potentially triggering together. And why I want to start slow and small.”

“Slow and small sounds perfect.”

****

Violet

“So my thought was to try that ritual we discussed to begin and end play, where you put on my boots and kiss them at the beginning, and then kiss them, and take them off, at the end. And that we might do a bit of boot play.” Jax’s voice was husky as he spoke, and it wrapped around Violet’s throat.

“Mmmm.” she nodded.

“Are you ok being on the floor, while I sit in that chair?” He was pointing to her reading chair, which definitely was the most comfortable chair in the room.

She nodded, and walked over to it, gesturing to the back pillows she kept in a basket next to it, in case he needed them. He looked through them selecting one for himself. Then he sat, removed his boots, and carefully placed one of the pillows on the floor for her, placing it in front of the boots. Oh. Oh my.

“Once we are in scene, Violet, I want you to address me as Sir. I’m going to keep using your name, like we discussed when we negotiated. Alright?”

Violet nodded. She wasn’t sure she could make words right now. They had talked about that maybe happening, and what her hand signal would be to stop the scene.

“We can play with pain, at some later point, and with sex, but right now, I thought we would just stick to D/s. Keep it simple. That ok?”

She nodded. That sounded perfect.

“It’s time, Violet. Shall we begin?”

Her heart was pounding. Her gaze was focused on the pillow on the floor in front of his boots. He had chosen the flat wide purple one. It was her favorite. How had he known that? He probably didn’t, though he did know purple was her favorite color. Okay, she was supposed to move now. To sit, or kneel on the pillow. Which was she supposed to do? Her gaze rose to his, frantic. She didn’t want to mess this up.

“You have a question, don’t you? Something I didn’t make clear in my instructions.”

Violet nodded slightly.

“You know, Violet…if the dominant doesn’t give clear instructions, it’s not the submissive’s fault that they are unsure of how to follow them.”

Violet felt her eyes going wider, because that somehow felt very much like new information.

“It’s my error, Violet. In not being clear. Because it’s my responsibility to be clear with you about how to please me. Otherwise I am setting you up to fail, and that makes us both miserable.”

His voice was so calm, like he was absolutely certain both that this was true and that admitting an error was part of the way it was done. Violet wasn’t sure how to process that, but it did make her body relax. If he could make errors, maybe she could, too. And it could still be okay.

“Ah I figured it out. I didn’t tell you how to use that pillow. And how could you know what position I wanted you in? That is easily remedied. As you put on my boots, sit with your ass on that pillow, if that position works for you. Put your legs however they will be comfortable. If any position I ask you to do will harm you, I need to know that, because I don’t want to do that.”

Violet nodded. Okay. She knew what to do now. She could do this. She took a slow breath, then sat on the pillow, which was thankfully actually wide enough for her rather sizable ass to rest on it comfortably. She adjusted until she was in a stable position and could use her hands.

“Good,” he said, and that word curled around her heart.

She focused on his boots. They were Corcorans, and they were still laced. How had he gotten them off? Oh, there was a zipper on the side. Okay. She picked up the right boot, and slid it partway onto his foot, before placing the sole of the boot on her chest, so he would have leverage to work his foot the rest of the way in. Had he groaned when she had done that? That seemed like a good thing. His boot felt amazing there, she got lost in the feel of it for a moment. Oh, right. She slowly drew the zipper up, then snapped the top part. Okay, done with that one. She let go, and waited.

As far as Violet was concerned, it was just fine for Jax to keep the sole of his boot on her chest for as long as he wanted. He pressed into her chest a bit, and she breathed into the glorious feel of the treads digging into her. Then he placed his foot on her thigh. Oh. That was good. She reached for the other boot with more certainty, and slid it onto his left foot, placing the sole on her chest and listening for that groan. Oh yes, it seemed even louder this time. He worked his foot into the boot with a bit more force, digging the treads in just a bit, and then she was zipping it up, breath held, and the snaps, and then she closed her eyes, her hands going to the floor, as he left his boot on her chest for a good long minute, pressing into her decidedly. With her eyes closed, she could hear that his breathing was a bit ragged, and the smell of the leather was stronger. This was already so good. He moved the sole of the boot to her thigh, and she sighed happily. Then his hand was stroking her cheek. Oh yes. She savored this electric heat, this circuit moving between them. It was glorious.

When he sat back, and she was bereft of his hand, and then his boots planted on the floor, she realized that there was another piece to the ritual they had planned. She moved back to lay on her belly for this part, which she’d dreamed about doing the night after she had met Jax. It had been this intense moment, in her dream. She would bring all that reverence now. The toe of his boot was surprisingly cool under her lips, which were trembling, as she placed a gentle kiss. His hand stroked her hair, softly. Now the other boot. Her whole body was trembling as she pressed her lips against the toe. His hand held her there for a moment, before lifting.

“Violet, find a position on the floor where you can lie down comfortably and look at my boots. Feel free to get more pillows if you need them.”

Violet grabbed her body pillow from the bed and lay back down on the floor on her side, her head on the purple pillow, which felt so soft against her cheek. She wriggled a bit to find a position that felt ok, then settled into it, raising her head to look at Jax. He was smiling down at her.

“As you lie there and look at my boots, I want you to repeat something to yourself. You can say it aloud, or inside your head. Just keep repeating this: ‘I am focused on Sir’s boots.’ I just want you to look, and say that to yourself. Don’t touch unless I invite you to.”

Violet nodded. She could do that. She hadn’t been using Sir in her head, so far. This would give her a way to start.

“And Violet? While you are looking at my boots, I am going to be looking at you, laying at my feet.”

A shiver went down her spine. Oh my. Just looking at Sir’s boots was an intense thing. Being under his gaze at the same time, minutely aware of him looking down at her, at his feet…whoa. She hugged her pillow close as she began.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

And she did, noting the shine on the toe cap and where it picked up the light, the scuff on the side of the left one, the duller gleam on the shaft.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

She thought about what Sir’s boots had smelled like when she had kissed them. What the treads had felt like on her chest. She imagined what the leather might feel like under her tongue, what it would taste like, how Sir would respond to her tonguing his boots.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

She thought about resting her cheek on Sir’s boots, curling herself around them, after a scene, or in a quiet moment during one. Oh, she ached to do that. To feel Sir rest one boot on her thigh as she curled around the other one.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

Sir’s boots were so beautiful. The gleam of them. The way they suited him down to the ground. The sharpness of the treads. She wanted that sharpness on her skin, wanted to be naked under Sir’s boots, feeling the glory of them burst pain through her like a perfect gift of dominion.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

That sentence was burned into her by now. Even if she never said it aloud, it would resound over and over in her head and she would be right back here, focused on his boots, his gaze roaming her body. He was looking at her at his feet, watching her think about his boots, watching her desire for his boots grow in the garden of her mind.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

Violet thought about what Sir’s boots felt like, what it would be like to stroke the leather with her hands, to give him the kind of bootlust inspired foot massage only she could give. Would he want that? Would it please him? Was she pleasing him now?

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

She was thinking it over and over and she knew he had said that was enough. But what would it be like to hear it in her own voice? She clutched the pillow, holding that thought close for a long time.

I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots. I am focused on Sir’s boots.

Her lips formed the words, silently, and Sir groaned. He was watching her. He was pleased to see her lips shaping those words that he gave her. She didn’t think she could speak them and she knew he didn’t need them said aloud. It was okay not to say them. She made her lips exaggerate at they formed the words, and was gratified by another groan from him.

“Come closer, Violet. Rest your cheek on my boot.”

Yes. Oh yes. The leather was gloriously cool and smooth against her cheek, and his other boot pressed into her thigh like a dream. Her mouth formed the words against the leather. His hand stroked through her hair gently. They savored the moment together. It was so perfect, and so intense, that tears came, falling on the leather.

“Yes,” Sir said, low and growly. Violet smiled at that. She had pleased Sir. That was good. This wondrous gladness filled her heart. One more stroke of her hair, and then Sir’s hand lifted and he said, “It is time, Violet.”

So she kissed the boot she had been laying on, then wriggled free to kiss the other one. She placed the pillow in the spot, and sat on it, removing Sir’s boots slowly, savoring every touch, every bit of the sharpness pressing into her chest. He stroked her cheek then, and asked her to shift to her knees and lean into him, her arms around him in the chair. And he held her, gently stroking her hair, murmuring about how she had pleased him so much, and done so well, and he was so very proud of her. Violet held on, for what seemed like forever, not wanting to let go, as she trembled. She could not stop grinning.