Xan West's Blog, page 6

One Disabled Sadist’s Response to Risk Aware by Amelia C. Gormley

Earlier this week, I asked Twitter for recommendations of books that centered characters with chronic pain, characters that were not cure-seeking and do not get cured. One book that was recommended was Risk Aware by Amelia C. Gormley. It’s an M/M BDSM romance with a main character, Geoff, who has hemophilia, and has never found a top who would give him the pain that he aches for. Enter Robin, a top who wants to do just that.

I have complex feelings about this book.

The dance of these characters around managing risks and setting boundaries and trusting each other was continual, and I really liked that in a lot of ways. It resonated for me. That dance doesn’t end, it keeps going as relationships change and grow. And that is rare in BDSM romance, so I really prize stories that show that.

A number of things resonated for me in terms of the depiction of chronic pain and disability, particularly the ways ableism impacts Geoff’s life, the ways it can be so complex to accept help (especially when so many people treat you as helpless), the ways risk management and thinking about access shape daily life. I did want to see more about how pain was a part of his daily experience; that felt glossed over, and as someone who lives with chronic pain, it felt like a gap. (I also went into the book looking for that depiction particularly, so it may have jumped out at me more than it would have otherwise.)

I appreciate that this book exists, one that imagines a chronically ill masochist finding a sadist who wants to top him in ways that feel as dangerous as he wants his play to feel and carefully works on managing the risks. I know how very difficult it is to find stories that imagine disabled and chronically ill bottoms getting their needs met.

And, this book left me hungry.

The story doesn’t progress beyond treating Geoff’s hemophilia as a potential obstacle to play that needs to be puzzled through. That is basically the central arc in the story and everything else, including the romance, takes a backseat to it.

I like puzzling through kinks and limitations; I’m an autistic top, erotica writer, and kink educator, so that’s likely not a surprise. (I even teach a class on working with limitations and sadism.) Suffice it to say, I was interested in the puzzle of this. And, centering that puzzle is one of the main things that made the story feel like it was bare bones, like it needed flesh and care and complexity, and well…feelings.

This is romance, after all. And it didn’t feel like an emotional journey. It wasn’t swoony. I didn’t care about them being together, didn’t feel for them. It kind of felt like an intellectual exercise. Which makes me sad, as a disabled reader, on a number of levels. For one, I want disabled characters to have love stories that are swoony. Cuz I adore that, and these stories are all too rare. For another, I want us to have stories where our disability isn’t a central problem to think through, or the main focus of our characterization. But also, I feel sad and kind of annoyed that it seemed like such an intense intellectual exercise for an experienced sadist to figure out how to meet this man’s needs around pain. (Because it was never presented as a mutual thing to puzzle through together.) And it’s not even something we get to see the top puzzle through! The reader is surprised by each idea the top tries, right along with Geoff. Which is emblematic, in many ways, of the reading experience: Geoff, and particularly his hemophilia, are the center of the novel.

Robin, the top character, is barely drawn. He doesn’t really get an arc of his own. He gets a conflict that we barely see, and he has some emotional pain, but a lot of his personal growth supposedly happens before he meets Geoff. He rarely seems to think about himself or his own needs when Geoff is around, and we rarely see him outside of Geoff’s presence. We never even meet his friends or family. He’s not a whole complex character, he’s a fantasy. Not just that, he’s a fantasy of a top who is completely focused on his bottom, doing all of this for him, his needs, his pleasure. Almost all the pain oriented scenes are written from the bottom’s POV. And the scenes from the top’s POV show him as this rather selfless top focused primarily on the experience and safety of the bottom.

I’ve written at length about this image of the selfless top. It is a very common conception of tops, especially sadists and edge players, and I think it is both harmful and inaccurate. In fiction, it often results in tops that seem to not really have emotions during play, and definitely do not have vulnerabilities.

Part of what this selfless top depiction meant for me as a reader was that I didn’t connect with Robin at all. And we are both sadists! This is because even though Robin is described as a sadist, you don’t get to witness his pleasure in creating pain, pretty much ever. You don’t get to feel much of anything with him.

As a sadist who often plays with disabled bottoms, I really felt the loss of this. There is so much to explore here. It made me sad that it was left out pretty much completely. I haven’t played with a bottom who has hemophilia, but I have played with bottoms who bruise more intensely and easily for health reasons, and it has stirred up a complex set of feelings in me as a sadist. I would love to see that explored in fiction. I’m not saying I want Robin to be the center of the book, but I want his experience to be more fleshed out and complex, especially his experience of their play.

Because Robin is drawn so thinly, I didn’t really get why Geoff was into him, except that he was the first top who was up for the kind of play he wanted. That bugged me, a lot. I wanted to see why he desired Robin, why he fell for him specifically. Because that’s what makes romance arcs work. But also because I want more for disabled characters than this. I want stories that do not assume that it’s a miracle he found a top who would do the kind of play he wanted. But it kind of seemed like everyone assumed that, especially Geoff. But also the author.

I am troubled by a story that assumes Geoff would need a selfless top. That the only way play would be safe is if Robin never had needs or experienced sadistic pleasure but was wholly focused on Geoff. Part of what concerns me so much about selfless tops is that they basically can’t be disabled. This fantasy depends on tops who don’t have needs and vulnerabilities and that’s basically impossible for disabled tops like me. In my fantasy rewrite of this story, Geoff meets a disabled sadist, one who also has needs and vulnerabilities and feelings and desires, and they connect around common experiences of ableism, create access intimacy together, push each other’s buttons sometimes, work through their internalized ableism, and figure out how to handle opposing access needs.

Geoff seems to think about his life, pretty much every moment of it, as being about his hemophilia. There are references to his art but you never get to see him immerse himself in it, and it’s always shaped by his illness. As is everything in his world, even his irritability, his personality, every choice he makes, how he sees himself in the world, his grief, his relationships. Yes, disability and illness shape our lives, and…disabled and sick people are people–complex human beings with personalities, and relationship conflicts that are not only about our disease, and job concerns that aren’t only about our disease, and dating concerns that are not only about our disease.

Despite the ways he was often reduced to his illness, I liked Geoff. I liked him especially when he was irritable and grumpy. I have a fondness for disabled characters that intensely refuse pity, and he definitely qualifies. That was a thread I especially appreciated in Geoff’s characterization, his consistent refusal of pity. This is a rare thing in romance centering disabled characters. It’s rare thing in disabled representation across the board, really. And that’s part of my complex feelings about this book. Because it does counter some of the disability tropes I hate. Geoff and the story itself both refuse pity. Geoff is no supercrip, and actually has character growth around not pushing through pain and injury to prove he can do things. He gets to have lots of sex, to be sexual and care about sex and kink, and gets a happy ending where he doesn’t give up kink for his health. All of these things are rare, and I value Risk Aware for challenging these tropes.

The SM itself was accurately portrayed; I didn’t get yanked out of the story much at all because of inaccuracies, which often happens for me with BDSM romance. I really liked the kinds of SM that were included; it’s rare for me to find stories that show things other than impact play (most frequently bare handed spanking, flogging, and paddling). I like impact play, but reading very few types of it, described in pretty similar ways, over and over, gets pretty old.

I will say that I didn’t especially find the kink hot, but I think that’s at least partly because it is not my kink; I don’t personally enjoy SM divorced from D/s. I do think part of it was that the SM was depicted with a lot of action description but not as much descriptions of reactions, feelings, and sensations, even in the chapters from the bottom’s POV.

I really wished that Geoff had not been quite so inexperienced in terms of BDSM. It intensified a power dynamic that was already quite intense. Robin wasn’t only the top, he was very experienced, and Geoff was not at all experienced. Robin was wealthy, and Geoff wasn’t poor but was struggling to pay astronomical medical bills. Robin was non-disabled, and Geoff was chronically ill. That’s a lot of power stacked up. And the book didn’t really acknowledge it much, as that. Which is not unusual in BDSM romance, but is worth noting.

I really liked the way Robin insisted on being aware of risks as part of his own consent, but I would have loved to have him think about his own consent and responsibilities in a more complex way. It felt very simple, the way he thought about his role as a top and what he was responsible for. For example, he insisted that the bottom stop worrying about his own safety altogether and give over that job completely to him. There was an absoluteness, a black and white presentation of this, that I found very troubling.

An example:

‘Close your eyes and let it go,’ he murmured as he swabbed my arm with an alcohol pad. ‘It’s all in my hands now—all your responsibility and all your worries. Just let it go. I’ve got it.’

Strangely, that part wasn’t difficult. Once he started speaking to me in that tone, gentle but in command, my brain packed it in for the night. I released the burden of looking out for my own safety. It was so incredibly easy to do with him.

This is a really complex and loaded thing to ask a chronically ill bottom to do, to fully give over responsibility for their well-being to their able-bodied top. I feel like the story really tried to hold the ways this was loaded for Geoff, but seemed to depict them as internal obstacles getting in the way of him getting the kink he desired, instead of actually loaded and complex power dynamics to be engaging in. Which I think is likely rooted in a belief that this is the one right way to do kink, or at least to do RACK.

Sharing necessary information is a critical component for risk awareness and consent, but that doesn’t mean all responsibility then needs to lie with the top. There are definitely other possible frameworks for doing RACK, and it troubled me that this was presented as the only way. (Which was compounded by the fact that the bottom was a novice and the top was experienced. Robin was “teaching” Geoff how to do risk aware consensual kink. Geoff had no way to know that there were other ways to do RACK. He didn’t even know basic SM 101.)

This framework for understanding the roles of tops and bottoms in play is widespread in BDSM fiction and in BDSM culture. I believed it for a long time myself. So it’s not unrealistic to write kink this way. It’s just troubling.

It sets up the top as solely responsible for the bottom’s safety. This may be a lovely fantasy, but the reality is both overly burdensome to tops and often quite risky for everyone, particularly when doing edge play (as these characters are).

Surrender is possible, power exchange is possible, without the bottom giving up all responsibility and having no jobs. I talk about what this looks like for me around edge play in my post about my own consent as a sadist. (It’s near the end. If you want to skip there, go to the section titled “I don’t want to be holding the scene all by myself.”)

The kind of kink I treasure is kink that is mutual all the way through. Mutually desired, mutually negotiated, mutually held, mutually responsive and responsible. The kind of kink where Geoff and Robin would share responsibility for each other’s well being in play. The kind of kink where Geoff and Robin would puzzle through together how to get Geoff’s desires for pain and danger met within the limitations of his hemophilia. The kind of kink where Robin might be as vulnerable with Geoff as Geoff is with him. This kind of kink is rarely depicted in BDSM fiction, and I ache for more of it.

Tagged: chronic pain, consent, disability, edgeplay from the top, kink, M/M romance, pain, queer, reviews, risk, Risk Aware, romance, sadism, selfless tops, top's POV, vulnerable tops

End of Year Book Survey: 2016

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I thought I would try this survey, seemed like fun. (Courtesy of Jamie of Perpetual Page Turner) Will update if needed.

Note: The survey is for books I read throughout the year, no matter when they were published, and is not limited to just books that came out in 2016.

 

Book Stats 2016

Number Of Books You Read: 163

Number of Re-Reads: 52

Genre You Read The Most From: Romance

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1. Best Book You Read In 2016?

Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lemberg, hands down.

 

2. Book You Were Excited About & Thought You Were Going To Love More But Didn’t?

Pain Slut by JA Rock. BDSM romance that actually celebrates sadism and masochism is so rare, and this got some great reviews. But I was disappointed. The author (and the characters) did not actually seem to get sadism and masochism and mostly had a lot of shame and internalized prejudice about it.

 

3. Most surprising (in a good way or bad way) book you read?

I was surprised in my reread of The Theory of Attraction by Del Dryden. I had been so happy before to have an autistic dominant character that I didn’t really think about the representation of that character. When rereading before potentially recommending to another autistic friend, I realized that I had substantial issues with the book and the way it presented Ivan, who is never actually named as autistic, but is clearly marked as autistic (and the author has confirmed his autism). I realized that in my hunger to find characters who were like me (autistic dominants), I had let a lot of stuff go. Camilla continually regards Ivan with pity around his autism and on occasion sees him as quite helpless. The entire book is premised on her assisting him to pass well enough as neurotypical at a work party, in order to keep his job. The main conflict in the book is centered around his autism. Basically the entire book treats his autism like a problem that she wants to rescue him from. When I reread the book, I was sad that I had missed all of that in the first read.

 

 4. Book You “Pushed” The Most People To Read (And They Did)?

Probably Let it Shine by Alyssa Cole, The Duchess War by Courtney Milan, or Serving Pleasure by Alisha Rai. I adore those books and talk about them allll the time.

 

 5. Best series you started in 2016? Best Sequel of 2016? Best Series Ender of 2016?

Best series: Beyond series by Kit Rocha.Best sequel: Stay My Fantasy by Alisha Rai.Best series I finished in 2016: tie between the Rock Kiss series by Nalini Singh and the Hurley Boys series by Lauren Dane.

 

 6. Favorite new author you discovered in 2016?

Tied between KJ Charles and Kit Rocha. Fell so hard for both of these authors this year.

 

7. Best book from a genre you don’t typically read/was out of your comfort zone?

The Spitboy Rule by Michelle Cruz Gonzalez is a memoir and I rarely read those. I really enjoyed the stories and the spare prose.

 

 8. Most action-packed/thrilling/unputdownable book of the year?

Run by Kody Keplinger grabbed me right away and held me all the way through. So did Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson. Both of these books have very strong characterization and high stakes, I think it’s that combo that makes a book feel unputdownable to me.

9. Book You Read In 2016 That You Are Most Likely To Re-Read Next Year?

A Seditious Affair by KJ Charles. I fell so hard for these characters, this story. I think I will probably reread a few times.

 

10. Favorite cover of a book you read in 2016?

I can’t pick just one. My top three:[image error][image error]         [image error]

 

11. Most memorable character of 2016?

Lex from Beyond series (esp Beyond Control) by Kit Rocha.
Silas from A Seditious Affair by KJ Charles.
Bo from Run by Kody Keplinger.
Rayanne from Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson.

 

12. Most beautifully written book read in 2016?

Waiting for the Flood by Alexis Hall.

 

13. Most Thought-Provoking/ Life-Changing Book of 2016?

Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lemberg cracked open my brain about writing disabled characters.
“3” by Hannah Moscowitz was this explosion of thought about what my life might be like if I had been able to read polyamorous YA as a teenager.
Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson really had me thinking about building toward a hard-earned HFN and how satisfying a read that can be.

 

14. Book you can’t believe you waited UNTIL 2016 to finally read?

Beyond Shame by Kit Rocha. So damn good. Why did I wait so long to read it when it was on my kindle all this time? (I actually know why, it’s because I am so damn wary of post apocalyptic stories because of the ableism, misogyny and intense amounts of sexual violence that usually come along with books in this genre.)

 

 15. Favorite Passage/Quote From A Book You Read In 2016?

“We all are vessels of our brokenness, we carry it inside us like water, careful not to spill. And what is wholeness if not brokenness encompassed in acceptance, the warmth of it’s power a shield against those who would hurt us?”

—Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lemberg

 

16.Shortest & Longest Book You Read In 2016?

Shortest: Found Them by Francisco Luis White  (26 pages)
Longest: The Witness by Nora Roberts (534 pages)

 

 17. Book That Shocked You The Most

In the Middle of Somewhere by Roan Parrish. There were a few plot twists in this that caught me by surprise.

 

18. OTP OF THE YEAR (you will go down with this ship!)

Alana and the ship from Ascension by Jacqueline Koyanagi. Her romance with the ship is so damn swoony.

 

19. Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship Of The Year

Bo and Agnes from Run by Kody Keplinger. I heart this friendship so much.

 

20. Favorite Book You Read in 2016 From An Author You’ve Read Previously

Waiting for the Flood by Alexis Hall

 

21. Best Book You Read In 2016 That You Read Based SOLELY On A Recommendation From Somebody Else/Peer Pressure:

Level Up by Cathy Yardley. And it was so damn good, I’m glad I listened.

 

22. Newest fictional crush from a book you read in 2016?

Lex from the Beyond series by Kit Rocha.
Cameron from One Life to Lose by Kris Ripper.

 

23. Best 2016 debut you read?

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo (YA)
Blank Spaces by Cass Lennox (Romance)

 

24. Best Worldbuilding/Most Vivid Setting You Read This Year?

The Book of How to Live by Rose Lemberg. It blew me away.

 

25. Book That Put A Smile On Your Face/Was The Most FUN To Read?

“3” by Hannah Moscowitz.
So Sweet by Rebekah Weatherspoon.
The Real Life Build by Kris Ripper.
Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson.
A Week to Be Wicked by Tessa Dare.

 

26. Book That Made You Cry Or Nearly Cry in 2016?

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo.

 

27. Hidden Gem Of The Year?

Let it Shine by Alyssa Cole.
The Book of How to Live by Rose Lemberg.
Heartbeat Braves by Pamela Sanderson.
Looking for a Complication by Tamsen Parker.
Coffee Boy by Austin Chant.

 

28. Book That Crushed Your Soul?

In the best ways:

Coffee Boy by Austin Chant (So many feels based on recognizing so much of my own experience in the workplace as a non-passing trans employee.)
The Dark Collector by Vanessa North (So many feels about grief and mourning.)
A Solitary Blue by Cynthia Voight (Because it always does, every time I read it.)

In the worst ways:

Comfort Object by Annabel Joseph (So intensely and terribly non-consensual.)
A Lady Awakened by Cecilia Grant (So much terrible sex enjoyed by nobody involved.)

 

29. Most Unique Book You Read In 2016?

A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power by Rose Lemberg (forthcoming in 2017)Incomplete Short Stories and Essays by Jamie Berrout

 

30. Book That Made You The Most Mad (doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t like it)?

I was frequently angry on Amanda’s behalf while reading If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo, at the circumstances and at some of the people in her life (ugh her dad pissed me off a lot). I wanted better for her on so many levels.I was angry at the book itself while reading Worth the Wait by Joey Hill. For multiple reasons that I describe in my review.

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1. New favorite book blog you discovered in 2016?

The Gay YA.

 

2. Favorite review that you wrote in 2016?

One Trans Response to Grandmother Nai-Leylit’s Cloth of Winds by Rose Lemberg

 

3. Best discussion/non-review post you had on your blog?

Writing Sex Scenes With Less Cissexism, Pt 1: Betweeen Characters

 

4. Best event that you participated in (author signings, festivals, virtual events, memes, etc.)?

I have really been enjoying the #translit conversations on Twitter recently, especially the questions posed by @trans_lit.

 

5. Best moment of bookish/blogging life in 2016?

Putting together a list of free poems and short stories by queer and trans authors, focused on nourishment and comfort in the aftermath of the election. It felt like a way to take action that would genuinely help people.

 

6. Most challenging thing about blogging or your reading life this year?

Reading new books was often difficult for me, as I had a hard year, with regards to my mental health. I definitely did a lot more rereading.

 

7. Most Popular Post This Year On Your Blog (whether it be by comments or views)?

The Queer and Trans Love Stories I Need

 

8. Post You Wished Got A Little More Love?

Going at My Own Pace: The Impact of Rose Lemberg’s Geometries of Belonging

 

9. Best bookish discovery (book related sites, book stores, etc.)?

The amazing main branch of the Berkeley Public Library.

 

10.  Did you complete any reading challenges or goals that you had set for yourself at the beginning of this year?

Surpassed my 100 book goal on Goodreads

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1. One Book You Didn’t Get To In 2017 But Will Be Your Number 1 Priority in 2017?

Chameleon Moon by RoAnna Sylver.

Also I will finish Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera, When the Moon Was Ours by Anna-Marie McLemore and Labyrinth Lost by Zoaida Cordova, all of which I had to return to the library before I was able to finish reading them.

 

2. Book You Are Most Anticipating For 2017 (non-debut)?

Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure by Eli Clare. Exile and Pride had such an intense impact on me. I have been anticipating Clare’s next disability book for a long time.

In romance, I am especially looking forward to Peter Darling by Austin Chant and also everything Alisha Rai might be releasing in 2017. I know Hate to Want You is coming out and I am hopeful also for Managing Pleasure and The Right Man for the Job, if I’m lucky.

 

3. 2017 Debut You Are Most Anticipating?

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. I read the beginning and was sucked in immediately. Looking forward to this book so much.

 

 4. Series Ending/A Sequel You Are Most Anticipating in 2017?

Finding Your Feet by Cass Lennox. I really enjoyed Blank Spaces and I am looking forward to this story in particular. Book 2 in the Crooked Rock series by Pamela Sanderson. I loved book 1 (Heartbeat Braves).

 

5. One Thing You Hope To Accomplish Or Do In Your Reading/Blogging Life In 2017?

Keep better track of what I’m reading. Write more reviews. Finish my blog series on writing sex scenes with less cissexism.

 

6. A 2017 Release You’ve Already Read & Recommend To Everyone:

A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power by Rose Lemberg. So excited for this to come out so I can get everyone I know to read it. This book means so very much to me, as a sadist in particular. I need it to be out in the world.

I’m also juiced about The King of Bourbon Street by Thea de Salle because it has the best fat rep I’ve read in a romance, ever. Fat heroine who is described as fat and is not on a diet, with a hero who is attracted to her and her body without fetishizing her or tripping on her being fat. And she has so much hot kinky sex.

elust 89

Welcome to Elust 89–

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #90 Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

When the Tears Finally Came

The pure and simple truth

One Down

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Disabilities & Submission, Part 2: I Say No

UnRepentant Darkness

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Hoar Frost…

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Hold me down

Keeping me chaste


The Little Things

Struggle…

Learning To Truss

A New Use

My Mania is My Drug

Life as a Laissez-Faire Domme

Erotic Fiction

Watching

Candy, Caned

Jax and Rickie’s First Kiss

New Collar

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Why You Should Make a Sex Tape

And the winner is…doggy style!

Pleasantville: The Promise of Trump’s America

Bdsm reasons for not hitting children

An Open Letter to MrHankeysToys.com

Erotic Non-Fiction

The Fun Of Being Stripped Of Wet Running Kit!

I want to lick your pussy some more

KIDNAP – a story of fear, pain and sex

Sybian

Well, that’s new…

Objectionable Hair – A Lady’s Taboo

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

UnPartnered

The Cub

I still have hope

A Baker’s Dozen #fucketlist

Poetry

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Tagged: elust

Interview with Jade A. Waters

I had the pleasure of being there the first time Jade A. Waters read her erotica in front of a room full of people. It was the reading to celebrate the publication of a book we are both in, The Big Book of Orgasms, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. It was wonderful to hear Jade bring her story to life, and to be there for her first reading. We have stayed in touch ever since. Jade is one of the sweetest erotica writers I know, and I am so glad to be in community with her.

Today, I am particularly excited to share an interview with her, where she discusses, among other things, the publication of her novel, The Assignment, a kinky erotic romance that is the first in the Lessons in Control Series. More about the book, first, and then on to the interview!

The Assignment
What would you do if someone offered to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

Seductive.[image error]

Charming.

Dominant.

Dean Sova is everything Maya Clery craves. From the first touch, their connection is intense. After leav

ing her troubled past behind, Maya thought she was happy—she is happy—but meeting Dean

forces her to acknowledge dark needs she longs to explore yet has never had the courage to face.

Her perfect match, Dean encourages Maya to set loose the submissive urges inside her in a series of assignments intended to open her mind and test the limits of pleasure…but Maya isn’t sure she can fully let go of her inhibitions.

What would you do if someone offered to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

The answer seems obvious. You take the offer and hope the price isn’t too high.

Book one of Lessons in Control

This book is approximately 81,000 words

One-click with confidence. This title is part of the Carina Press Romance Promise: all the romance you’re looking for with an HEA/HFN. It’s a promise! Find out more at CarinaPress.com/RomancePromise.

Amazon US      Amazon UK      B&N      Google Play     iBooks      Kobo

The Interview:

Thank you so much for these great questions, and for hosting me, Xan! My answers are below…

How would you describe yourself to a new reader just discovering you?

I call myself an “erotica writer and poetess,” because in truth, I love verse as much as I love narrative, and sometimes I like to blend the two in at least some stylistic choices. Content-wise, I have a strong romantic streak that sneaks its way in a lot, but I also enjoy writing erotica that doesn’t always have a happy ending. I like the bittersweet side of things at times, I guess, and, because I believe sex is transformative, I like that to be an important aspect on the page, whether the story be light and sassy or dark and achy. My characters are often learning about themselves through their sexual encounters/dynamics, or they are having some sort of emotional transformation in the moment. The Assignment, and the entire Lessons in Control series, feels like a blend of the erotic romance with the transformative element. Maya’s ride has not been an easy one, and while her relationship with Dean grows in romantic intensity, her sexual experiences with him are powerful and full of self-discovery.

We first met at your first public reading, where we were both reading our erotica. Tell me about what it’s been like transitioning from writing erotic short stories to writing a series of novels. What was challenging? What’s been fun?

And what a fun reading it was! I’m so happy we met.

Short Form Romance and Erotica

A friend asked me to recommend some romance and erotica. She’s a spoonie, and specifically requested shorter forms because pain and low spoons makes reading novels challenging. So I put together a list of a few of my faves.  I’m going to start with novels and novelettes, grouped by type.

BDSM:

Sated by Rebekah Weatherspoon: Geeky BDSM m/f contemporary romance with a physically disabled bisexual MC. One character is experienced, the other one is a novice, both are switches. I adore this book.

Challenge Accepted by Annabeth Leong: BDSM f/m contemporary erotic romance. Novice submissive man works to prove he’s up for a date with a dominant woman who’s wary and has been burned too often. The BDSM in this book is delicious.

Those Girls by Alison Tyler: BDSM m/f erotica. Bisexual MC. There is a second linked m/m/f novelette Those Boys where the same dominant brings a boy home for them to play with.

Workplace

Coffee Boy by Austin Chant: Workplace m/m romance between a campaign strategist and an intern that’s full of sparks and grumpiness and (possibly) unrequited crushes. One of the love interests is trans, and one of the main threads in the story is about being out as trans in the office. (I’m in the middle of this book now and totally hooked.)

Beyond Solitude by Kit Rocha: Post apocalyptic BDSM boss/employee m/f romance with a physically disabled MC and a trauma survivor former sex worker MC. This is part of a series, but stands alone well. (You can get the whole series in a bundle right now for $9.99, and I recommend that. Feminist characters and themes, smoking hot D/s with an emphasis on consent. Polyamory for the win.)

Be My Fantasy by Alisha Rai: Smoking hot erotic m/f BDSM romance between two characters with longtime attraction to each other. He can’t resist the bosses daughter anymore, not after he realizes how kinky she is.

With a Bit of Melancholy Mixed In

Waiting for the Flood by Alexis Hall: Very British, beautiful, rather quiet and melancholy m/m contemporary romance. The main POV character has a stutter, and it runs through the way he thinks in every interaction in this way I really appreciated.

Breath on Embers by Anne Calhoun: a kinky m/f contemporary romance that is very much about sex as a resource for managing emotional pain. This one has a Christmas theme, by the way.

Rock star

Opening Act by Suleikha Snyder: Lovely friends to lovers m/f contemporary rock star romance.

Full Exposure by Amy Jo Cousins: Delicious rock star BDSM m/m romance where the rock star is the submissive in the D/s dynamic (which I especially appreciate).

Meet-cute

Sway by Lauren Dane: Meet-cute D/s-oriented m/f contemporary romance. Especially enjoyed the friendship circle, and fell hard for Daisy. The meet cute in this one is old-school Hollywood.

Looking for a Complication by Tamsen Parker: Meet-cute swoony f/f butch/femme contemporary romance. One character is bisexual and just coming out.  This meet cute is classic queer.

Historical

Talk Sweetly to Me by Courtney Milan: Historical m/f romance between a rake and a woman who’s serious about astronomy. Yay for women characters in STEM! (Milan has written several.) I really enjoyed the pace of this one.

Star Dust by Emma Barry: Quietly lovely historical m/f romance centering an astronaut and a divorced mom. I find this series especially soothing to read. I liked them all, but this is my fave.

Let it Shine by Alyssa Cole: Beautiful historical m/f romance between two civil rights activists. This is worth reading for the Chanukah scene alone.

Which brings me to…

Holiday themed

(After all, it is December.)

Christmas Stockings by Teresa Noelle Roberts: Nerves before her dominant’s workplace Christmas party spark this BDSM m/f erotic romance novella. I especially appreciated the nuerodivergent submissive character, particularly the way she navigates the party and her POV of the BDSM elements.

Lighting the Flames by Sarah Wendell: Chanukah themed m/f romance between two old Jewish camp buddies, with themes of grief woven in beautifully.

Tis the Season by Sommer Marsden: Christmas themed m/f contemporary romance between neighbors. Marsden shines in characterization here, per her usual, with the touch of comic goofiness and smoking hotness that I especially enjoy in her stories

While I’ve Got You Here…

I want to mention a couple serials, because they are broken into readable chunks. Cecilia Tan has two free online serials going. Darron’s Guitar Chronicles and The Prince’s Boy. (for the latter you have to scroll through the Circlet serials). Alchemy by Tamsin Flowers is finished and available for purchase.

And, while I am at it, I am going to mention a few of my favorite single author erotica collections: Boy Stories by Benji Bright, Telepaths Don’t Need Safewords by Cecilia Tan, Blood and Silver by Patrick Califia, Overflow by Miel Rose, and Robotica by Kal Cobalt.

A list of my favorite erotica anthologies would be a whole other post, so I’m going to hold off on that. For themed erotica recs, look to the left column on the site.

Tagged: book recommendations, erotica, reading, romance, short form

Xan Reads Smut: A recording of “Willing”

From October-December, I will be posting audio recordings from Show Yourself To Me, one per month.

This month, you can listen to me read an abridged version of “Willing”. (It’s abridged because the recording would be too long otherwise!) This story centers a vampire gay cis man falling for a human trans guy. It is the most romantic of my erotic short stories, and was described by Katherine Bradean as “packed with dark edges, blood and violence.”  It has a very strong D/s element and some of my favorite things: pain, blood, service, clear consent, breath play, rough sex, a vulnerable top, and a very sharp knife.

I hope you enjoy this story; I have a particular love for it’s melding of edges and romance, blood and service.

Last month, I posted a recording of me reading “A Large Full Meal.”

To read more about Show Yourself To Me, check out the blog tour, or take a look at the reviews!

Tagged: audio, blood, breath play, caning, D/s, kink, Knives, queer, rough body play, service, Show Yourself To Me, top's POV, trans, willing, Xan reads smut

elust 88

Welcome to Elust 88–

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #89 Start with the rules, come back December 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Heart stabbing

Redemption: The Sex Goddess Project

Exhibitionish

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

An Open Letter To That Cunnilingus Post

I Found Myself Over His Knee

 

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Writing Sex Scenes With Less Cissexism, Pt 1

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Overlook

The Haunting of Iris Day

MERMAID??? Wicked Wednesday #229

Fear, Scents and Sounds

Lady Amore

love is love

Spray

Her Struggle

The New Principal

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Evolving Landscapes

Trust in Me

15 BEST Things About Giving Blowjobs!

With a rebel yell

What lie do you need to hear so we can Fuck?

Erotic Non-Fiction

The Brush

Tasked with asking for what I need

How Old Is Too Old For Wild Lovemaking?

Brass In Pocket

An Unstated Predicament

California Cuisine

Krystal’s First Pegging

Struggling

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

That Adult Bookstore Just Outside Town

Creature of the night

MISTRESS IN A DRESS – or out of it

Come Here. I want to Taste You

Terror of the cane! How to make caning sexy

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

11 Signs You Might Be a Side Guy

 

Writing About Writing

Writing Sex Scenes With Less Cissexism, Pt 1

 

Tagged: elust

#DailyCoping Strategies Round Up

I began a new project this week. Each day, on twitter, I do a series of tweets describing one of my coping strategies and talking about how it works, what it is esp useful for, where I learned about it. I am storifying these tweets, and collecting the links to the storifies in this post. I will keep adding to this as I go.

11/14: Make lists (a mental grounding strategy)

11/15: Create physical boundaries (a soothing strategy)

11/16: Let your body react (a somatic strategy)

11/17: Put it in a box (a visualization strategy)

11/18: Cold water (a physical grounding & distress tolerance strategy)

Tagged: autism, coping, mental health, mental illness, survival, survivor, trauma

Writing Sex Scenes With Less Cissexism, Pt 2: Story Level Trans-Exclusion

This is the second post in a series for writers, especially writers of erotica and romance. This series is focused on writing sex scenes with trans and/or non-binary characters in a way that includes less unintentional cissexism.

Part 1 focused on cissexism between characters during sex scenes. Parts 2-6 focus on bigger picture questions and narrative choices, decisions you make on the story level that lead to cissexism in your sex scenes. Part 7 is about those occasions when you might choose to include cissexism between characters.

As a heads up, this post includes discussion of sex, bodies, and cissexism. It gives concrete examples of cissexism at the story level.

I want to start by saying that I encourage you to read the first post in this series before reading this one; it shares a few resources and also gives a bunch of concrete examples of cissexism between characters.

This post isn’t about the choices your characters make, what they do or say, or how they treat each other. This post is about the choices you make as a writer—your narrative choices, how you choose to tell a story that includes trans and/or non-binary characters. In particular, how big picture story-level choices impact the sex scenes in your story that involve trans and/or non-binary characters.

I’m going to be using Julia Serano’s definition of cissexism from her handy glossary on her website, where she breaks down five different processes through which cissexism is typically enacted. (I discuss this in the first post at some length.) Although Serano focuses on the ways that transsexual people (particularly transsexual women) are targeted by cissexism, I find the processes useful in recognizing cissexism in stories with non-binary and genderqueer characters as well.

Each of the next five posts will hone in on one cissexist process, giving examples of how it can be present in narrative choices, and discussing how this can impact sex scenes in particular. These are not intended to be exhaustive lists. Instead, I am going to name a few common examples, for illustration purposes. My aim is to help you have a deeper understanding of how this might apply to your work.

Common Examples of Story-Level Trans-Exclusion

I want to start with trans-exclusion because these are often some of the initial decisions we make as writers.

Trans-exclusion breaks into two core things, that are often intertwined:

Refusal to respect or acknowledge the gender of trans and/or non-binary people
Not letting trans and/or non-binary people in the room (particularly gendered spaces)

What do each of these look like at the story level? I have three examples for each, along with discussion of how each can impact sex scenes.

Story level examples of refusal to respect or acknowledge the gender of trans and/or non-binary characters:

Introducing the trans and/or non-binary character in a disrespectful way.

We meet the character in a pre-transition flashback, or when they are misgendered by other characters, or when they are being bullied or experiencing violence around being trans. The trans and/or non-binary character is introduced to the reader using incorrect pronouns or gender markers, or by their deadname (name assigned at birth). We meet the trans and/or non-binary character inside the point of view of a character who thinks about them in a disrespectful way, or in a way that refuses to acknowledge their character’s gender.

How this impacts sex scenes:

Because the trans character is introduced in a disrespectful way, they are framed that way for the reader. The reader is encouraged to bring such a framework into how they read the sex scene, how they experience the trans character, how they think about the trans character’s body, how they think about them having sex. This is the kind of story-level decision that permeates the entirety of the story, including the sex scenes.

Main POV character is disrespectful for a large portion of the story.

The story is told from the point of view of a character who continually misgenders the trans and/or non-binary character throughout a large portion of the story. The only POV character begins the book thinking about the trans and/or non-binary character in disrespectful ways and continues to think this way through a large portion of the story. This narrative choice is most common in trans acceptance narratives, where the central cis character learns to accept (and perhaps even falls for or dates) a trans and/or non-binary character. (Note: there are ways to write stories about cis POV characters grappling with their own internalized trans oppression that don’t reproduce this level of cissexism at the story level. I wrote an essay about a story that I thought did a good job of this, that was written by a trans author.)

How this impacts sex scenes:

Often, the disrespect that the character holds throughout the story continues to be reproduced in the sex scene itself, the way the POV character sees, desires, and feels about their desire for the trans and/or non-binary character, even if the character does not voice this disrespect during the scene or do things that demonstrate it. Regardless, the reader still intimately knows and has been encouraged to identify with the POV character’s struggle with the basic humanity of the trans and/or non-binary character and brings that into the sex scene. Also, it is common in these stories for the characterization of the trans and/or non-binary character to feel hollow, like they are barely a person in their own right and mostly a vehicle for the growth of the cis character.

Major plot points are based on the idea that partnering with a trans and/or non-binary person whose gender aligns with a cis character’s sexual orientation means that sexual orientation is called into question.

A cis gay man falls for a trans man and all his gay friends conclude he must not really be gay. A cis heterosexual woman partners with a trans man and decides that means she is bisexual. A cis lesbian is reluctant to date a trans woman because she doesn’t see that fitting in with her lesbianism. A cis heterosexual man has sex with a trans woman and freaks out because that must mean he’s gay. A common variation of this is when the story makes it clear that the only way anyone could date a trans and/or non-binary person is if they are bisexual or pansexual.

How this impacts sex scenes:

This dynamic often directly plays out in sex scenes, immediately after them, or at the point when sex is raised as a possibility. Regardless of when this arises in the story, it frames things in a way that encourages readers to refuse to respect or acknowledge the gender of the trans and/or non-binary character. It also makes sex particularly fraught and loaded.

Story level examples of not letting trans and/or non-binary characters into the room:

 

Creating elaborate plot elements that prevent trans and/or non-binary characters from having sex with their love interests until very late in a romance or erotica story.

This basically means you aren’t letting trans and/or non-binary characters into the bedroom (or wherever else your characters might have sex, of course). Exceptions would be romance where one would not generally expect sex at all, or would expect sex to come late in the story (e.g. sweet romance, historical romance, asexual romance).

How this impacts sex scenes:

This is the kind of story-level decision that particularly impacts the sex scenes. It’s so off for the genre that it can raise questions for the reader when the first sex scene finally arrives, as to why it took so long. It can nudge readers toward the common cissexist idea that sex with trans and/or non-binary people is rather impossible and/or deeply uncomfortable to imagine. That kind of thinking influences how readers engage with the sex scenes, creates distance between the reader and the trans and/or non-binary character.

This kind of story is often combined with sex scenes that go one of two ways. They are either quite cursory or vague, or every possible question about the mechanics of sex with this particular trans and/or non-binary person is answered in specific detail. It also can lead to sex scenes that lack heat.

Not giving trans and/or non-binary characters in romance-centered stories a happy ending.

A happy ending (either happily ever after or happy for now) is a clear expectation in romance. This is not letting trans and/or non-binary characters into the room (the room in this case being romance).

How this impacts sex scenes:

This is the kind of story-level decision that impacts the entire story, including the sex scenes. It may do so retro-actively, if the break up near the end of the story is a surprise. Often, though, it is not a surprise, and a sense of melancholy impossibility permeates the sex right along with the romance.

Central story elements that imagine gendered spaces and communities as if they do not include any trans and/or non-binary people.

I most commonly see this in stories where folks are imagining the trans and/or non-binary character as the first and only trans and/or non-binary person to ever be in the space or community. The first trans woman ever to show up at that women’s health center, join a women’s softball team, or be part of that dyke spoken word troupe. The first non-binary person ever to go to that gay leather group, join a dyke book club, or live in that historic feminist household.  The only trans guy who has ever walked into that gay bar, joined a men’s choir, or showed up at that gay gym. These stories often place trans and/or non-binary characters alone and isolated in a cis universe, with no other trans and/or non-binary people around for support.

How this impacts sex scenes:

This is the kind of big picture decision that often frames the entire story. These isolated characters are often depicted as hungry for acceptance, nervously hoping that they might be seen as desirable by cis people. They are rarely fully fleshed out characters with their own desires and needs, and that has a deep impact on the sex scenes in these stories. Often they are not just the first trans and/or non-binary person to enter that space, but the first trans and/or non-binary person a cis character has ever met, much less had sex with, and that also has a big impact on the sex scene.

The third post in this series will focus on examples of trans-fascimilation.

Tagged: cissexism, erotica writing, non-binary, non-binary characters, romance, sex scenes, trans, trans characters, trans exclusion

Jax and Rickie’s First Kiss

The past few days, I posted things that I thought might be a balm or a comfort to folks reeling from these awful election results, and the subsequent violence and fear we are living under right now. Today, I thought I would share one of the sweeter moments in my current work in progress, Shocking Violet, a queer kinky polyamorous romance novel centering disabled and trans characters.

Jax is a trans stone butch dominant sadist who has multiple disabilities. Rickie is a femme trans guy submissive masochist who has PTSD. They are long time play partners. They have enjoyed a lovely and boundaried BDSM play relationship that is heavy on the D/s, much of which has been about doing edgeplay scenes in Rickie’s home, particularly ones that honor Rickie’s pretty boy identity, and that play with a particular edge of Rickie’s–he struggles to tolerate gentleness. This excerpt is about their first romantic date, and particularly, their first kiss.

(As a heads up, this excerpt includes kissing, D/s, and a bit of pain play. It also includes references to past emotional abuse around femme identity, and a description of a character experiencing a flashback and managing it.)

Rickie

“You can’t wear anything with scent,” Jax had said. “Not just no scented soap or shampoo or perfume, but nothing. Zak’s place is scent free. His housemate’s boyfriend is really allergic.”

Jax had explained what scent free really meant. And whatever nervousness Rickie’d had about going on something that sounded like an actual maybe date with Jax to a party where he wouldn’t know anybody but Jax had totally disappeared because he was all worried about fucking up the scent free thing. No makeup, cuz he didn’t have the unscented kind. No nail polish, so he’d stripped his nails.

He was used to the no scented soaps thing, the no perfume thing, that wasn’t an issue, he did that already every time he had a date with Jax cuz the scent gave him migraines. But no makeup? No nail polish? That was a whole other thing to wrap his head around. It just felt…weird to have Jax ask him not to wear makeup and nail polish. Like what if this meant that Jax was embarrassed about how femme he was? What if that had been hiding under the surface all this time?

He was starting to feel nauseous, could hear Oliver’s voice, talking shit about him being too femme. His hands were shaking. His heart was pounding. Shit. His head was getting all fucked up, his breathing was speeding up, and he needed to do something, fast, before it got worse. He grabbed his Ativan, took half a pill.

He needed to put on music, to drown it out. Something comforting and familiar. Oh, yes. That would work. Just what he needed. Ok, breath slow and even, with the beat. Missy was telling him about the rain, and he could let that take over, drown everything else out with that. He closed his eyes, and just breathed, as one song flowed into the next, waiting for Oliver’s voice to get washed away.

Ok. His heart had slowed down, all he could hear was Missy now. Time to think it through. Should he cancel? He might be too fucked in the head to do this thing. But. Jax had sounded kind of…lost and tentative, on the phone. And he never sounded that way. Never brought that to Rickie. He usually seemed all tough and closed, all smooth marble coolness. He’d had these jagged edges in his voice this afternoon. Usually Rickie was the only one who brought his jaggedness, and then only in scene. So. This was new. This was a way that he could be strong for Jax, could hold space. If he could do it.

He’d wanted that, so much, when he was talking to Jax. Wanted this new tentative possibility with him. And now, as he breathed, he touched that want again. It was solid, and whole. He wasn’t tripping on the makeup thing because of Jax. He was tripping because Oliver had just left with Gilberto, had stood there with his big eyes and his dimples and had flirted. As if nothing had changed. As if this break up was fucking temporary. And it wasn’t going to be. It wasn’t. He needed to reach for something new, not let the past tug at him. He could do that. He didn’t need makeup to go to a party. He would sparkle in a different way.

Right. He needed to wear clothes that weren’t fresh from the laundry, cuz the scent from the detergent wasn’t as strong that way. Ok. He tugged up his favorite electric blue briefs, and pulled on the tightest jeans he owned, which he’d worn yesterday, luckily. Yes. With his FEMME belt. That teal V neck. His favorite amber ring. Neck, bare. Jax loved his throat. Ready to go. And Ativan had totally kicked in. He was going to be just fine.

Rickie turned off the music, let silence fill his home in preparation for Jax to arrive. He had ten minutes to kill, so he texted VJ: Going to a birthday party with Jax. Do you know this Zak guy? Ze responded immediately: What? A regular party? Where you’ll keep all your clothes on? When did this happen? Fuck if he knew. Just today. A last minute thing. Ze was quick: Ok, honey. Be spontaneous like that. I’m gonna want to hear all about it. He wasn’t even thinking. His fingers just typed: You know I never kiss and tell. Then he stared at his phone. In all the time they’d been playing they had never kissed. Not once. VJ knew this, too. Damn, ze was going to be relentless. He put the phone in his pocket, ignoring the buzzing. Jax would be here any minute.

*****

Jax

His heart wouldn’t stop pounding. He walked the familiar blocks to Rickie’s place, slowly. Not sure how he’d gotten here. He’d left shul this morning and had felt all overwhelmed and too damn open. The idea of going to Zak’s party alone was just too much. He wasn’t up to putting that much energy into trying to talk to strangers. That’s why he’d invited Rickie.

Eh, he wasn’t even fooling himself with that story. Sure, of course, going alone would be a lot, and he’d hate it, and he didn’t feel up to it, felt like his skin was way too fucking thin right now. But that wasn’t why he was doing this. That just gave him the nudge to do it today, gave him an excuse to push past the fear and take the risk.

Pretending that it was the whole reason, or that it had happened to him, instead of him making it happen, him taking the step…that was bullshit. And if he was going to risk the very good thing he had going with Rickie to see if it could be something deeper, he owed himself and Rickie more than thin excuses and avoidance of responsibility.

He could at least be real with himself about why his heart was pounding. Because they were going on a date. Like a romantic date. Because he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about kissing Rickie. Because he didn’t want this thing to be so very boundaried and limited anymore. He wanted something more than that. He wasn’t sure what, but he knew he wanted to try to figure out what else they could be to each other. This date was a beginning. It scared the shit out of him. That seemed to be the theme these days, to reach for things that scared the shit out of him, because he wanted them.

He’d brought Rickie a present, even. He’d never done that before. He’d never done most of this before. They’d had such clean lines, and now he was muddying them all over the fucking place. He could feel the adrenaline running through his system, as he rang the bell. He was grinning, and he didn’t even hide it. Nothing like his old friend adrenaline.

Damn the boy looked good. No surprise there. Something worried about his eyes, though. Not just fear, worry. Almost a flinch. Ok. He’d heard it in Rickie’s tone on the phone when he explained about the more intense scent free rules at Zak’s place. That was part of this, he was pretty sure. Then he should start with the present, shouldn’t he?

“Hi there, boy. Don’t you look delicious. I brought you something.”

He pulled it out of his pocket, eyes on Rickie’s face.

“This is safe to use tonight. I thought you might like it.”

He could see Rickie’s shoulders ease, see the nervous joy in his eyes. Was that awe that he saw in his face?

“What do you think?” he said a bit nervously. And saw Rickie’s eyes well up. So he gathered his boy close, and held him, felt the tension in his body ease and the boy curl into him, his face buried in Jax’s shoulder.

Rickie was saying something that was too muffled for him to make out, so he pulled back a bit, smiling into the boy’s eyes.

“What was that?”

“I thought maybe you didn’t want to take me out if I was wearing makeup,” Rickie whispered.

“No, that’s not it at all,” he said firmly. “You’re my pretty boy, and I adore your femmeness. I’d never want to change it.”

Rickie nodded.

“I brought you this because I know how much you hate going out with your eyes naked. And you look so damn good in eyeliner, boy.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Rickie smiled softly. “I’ll just be a minute putting this on.”

“Take your time, boy. There’s no rush.”

Jax took off his coat, and let himself sink into the couch, savoring Rickie’s response to the gift. He’d done good, made the right choice. He was glad he’d stocked up on scent free makeup as Chanukah gifts for his femme friends. It had made this possible on a day where he simply didn’t have the spoons to get scent free makeup at the last minute. He had needed that nap way too much. He’d just get Ivy something else. Colorful tights, perhaps. She seemed to favor those.

When Rickie came out of the bathroom he seemed so damn light on his feet. Those jeans were such a temptation. Rickie practically danced over to Jax. He pulled the boy toward him, to straddle his lap. Yes, that’s where he wanted him.

“You look delicious.” He reached up to stroke Rickie’s cheek. “Such a pretty boy.” He could see Rickie trembling, working to take the gentle caress. He didn’t want to wait another second.

“I want that mouth of yours, boy.” He ran his thumb along Rickie’s lip. “You alright with adding kissing to the agenda tonight?”

Rickie’s eyes got huge. He gulped, then nodded, frantically. Like he didn’t trust himself to speak.

*****

Rickie

Rickie’s heart was racing really fast. He couldn’t even really believe they were here. But Jax was staring at his mouth and he was looking down at him and Jax’s hand was at the back of his neck drawing him close and was he even breathing he didn’t think he was breathing anymore.

His hands, he didn’t even know what to do with his hands they just kind of floated behind Sir’s head near the back of the couch oh that was a place they could go the back of the couch yes he would put them there ok now. The leather was cool under his hands and it was good to have something to hold onto and now he was so so close to Jax’s face he didn’t think they’d ever been so close.

His brain was going so fast and he still wasn’t really breathing and then Jax had his hair all twisted in his hand and there was pain and it was good and helped and maybe he could focus on the actual kissing that was about to happen. Yes the pain was good. Rickie took a breath, finally. Sir’s lips were so close. Rickie found himself trembling. It was like his body couldn’t hold all of the anticipation and the feelings and they just shimmered out all over.

Who could have thought that it would take forever from when you said yes to kissing, to when kissing started. It hadn’t really worked that way before, but he’d never been with someone a year and a half before he kissed them before, either, so maybe this was regular for this situation? What was this situation? He wasn’t sure, he just knew that he really wanted Sir to kiss him already, and he might even be whimpering right now and squirming on Sir’s lap because he wanted it so much. Which made him extremely aware of the fact that Sir was packing. Which oh fuck that was so fucking hot and he really felt like his whole body was shuddering and Sir hadn’t even fucking kissed him yet.

And then the forever before the kiss changed into the forever of the kiss which started out deliberately soft until he thought he would lose his mind because he couldn’t fucking stand how soft it was and he growled into Sir’s mouth in his frustration but he held his head still and took it, his hands digging into the back of the couch and the softness of it fucking killed him. The only thing that made it tolerable was his hair twisted in Sir’s grip in this pulsing pain that kept him steady. The interminable torture of the soft kiss went on and on until he really thought his eyeliner must be running down his face, and he just didn’t know how he was going to take it he could not stop growling.

Then Sir was growling right back at him into his fucking mouth and the kiss turned ferocious in the best way ever. It was like Sir’s tongue was thrusting the word “Mine” into his throat and he opened to it, wanted it, took every last bit of that claiming down his throat, wanted Sir to mark him with this kiss so much. Why had they never fucking done this before? Rickie was grinding down onto Sir’s cock and on the edge of coming just from this, the pain in his hair and all of the everything trembling inside him. He was going to burst and then Sir’s hand on the back of his neck gripped him hard and his nails dug in. It was the most delicious searing yes of a pain that Rickie could not hold it in anymore and he came right there, Sir wrapped all around him and inside him and every pore of him was bursting in this long glorious spasm. He must have screamed into Sir’s mouth because he got an answering laugh that was throaty and satisfied, and then the kiss ended.

Sir’s eyes were gleaming and his arms wrapped around him, tugging him into a hug. He buried his face in Sir’s neck. He was floating on that kiss that was a scene all into itself, and he felt Sir wrapped into him so close, like they had this chord connecting them now. It was new and tender and he decided not to think about it too much, just to let it be what it was. Their first kiss.

Were they actually supposed to go to a party now?

Tagged: chemical sensitivity, disability, edge play, excerpt, femme, first date, first kiss, Jax, kink, kissing, queer, Rickie, romance, Shocking Violet, stone, trans