Hannah Braime's Blog, page 9

7 Non-Physical Things to Declutter for a More Tranquil Life

Having spent a couple of years paring down my possessions into one suitcase’s worth of belongings, I usually think of decluttering in terms of physical possessions. As I’ve embraced a simpler and slower life, however, I’ve also realised keeping my mental and emotional space clear is just as important to my wellbeing as maintaining a peaceful external environment. With that in mind, here are seven non-physical things I’ve found it helpful to declutter for a more tranquil life:

1. Finances

Having finances in disarray can wreak havoc on your feelings of stability and security. If your finances are less than great or you’re lacking transparency, it’s tempting to avoid the matter altogether (this is an approach I’ve taken in the past). But there is a huge mental price to pay for this. When you don’t know where you stand, it lingers in the back of your mind and casts a cloud of uncertainty and anxiety over almost everything you do.

So let’s sort this out!

As you begin to declutter your finances, the first step is about getting transparency. While I’m not the most financially savvy person on the planet, getting clarity on where I stand has been helpful in helping me identify my priorities (clearing debt? Savings? New laptop?). Tracking all incomings and outgoings, knowing where money is going, and cutting any unnecessary expenses might sound like a lot of work if you’re not in the habit of doing these things, but it frees up a ton of mental space. Here are a few things I’ve found helpful:

Track, track, track

I took forever to do this, but it’s been the most useful step. I use You Need a Budget (YNAB) to do my monthly accounts and find it super helpful. As I travel a lot and pay for things in different currencies, I also use the Trail Wallet app to track my cash expenditure abroad. While I’m not a spendthrift, getting clarity on where money is going has helped me make more conscious purchasing decisions. This also applies to income: I have multiple income streams and rather than thinking X income stream brings me Y amount of money each month (not a good approach!), when I track I know where my income is coming from and can make business decisions accordingly. Using YNAB in particular also allows me to…

Budget

Some people love budgeting, some people hate it. Personally, I find the structure helpful. YNAB is based on the concept every cent/penny has a purpose. At the beginning of each month, I make a plan and know exactly how much I have to spend, and exactly how much within each category too.

Declutter and cull unnecessary bills and standing orders

Are you paying for that magazine subscription, only to stash each issue away to read “one day?” Are you still paying uber bucks for your phone contract even though you’re out of the minimum term and could switch to a cheaper plan? Are you subscribed to Netflix even though these days you watch everything on Hulu? Go through your regular bills and standing orders. For each one, ask: do I really use this? Is it worth the money? Is there a cheaper option available that still meets my core requirements?

2. Relationships

It’s no secret our relationships have a huge impact on our mental and physical wellbeing. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown cites research showing it’s not the quantity of relationships we have that makes a difference to our lives, but the quality.

So, are there any relationships that need a boundaries readjustment or need redefining? Are there any that have fallen by the wayside and could use some TLC? Are there any that are no longer working, or you’re continuing out of an outdated sense of obligation? Are there any behaviours or dynamics you’ve been contributing to within certain relationships you don’t feel good about? Is it time to trim down your Facebook friends list?

Equally, are there any relationships you’ve been meaning to invest in more but haven’t yet? Are there any you’d like to move from the “acquaintance” circle to the “friend” circle? Are there people you’d like to reconnect with after drifting apart or losing contact?

As I’m writing about in my new book on our inner critics, who we surround ourselves with is important. We end up internalising the voices of the people closest to us, and they become part of our internal dialogue. Redefining relationships that aren’t working doesn’t have to involve a tense confrontation or dramatic blowups. It might look like declining invitations to hang out as much, changing the topic when someone talks about something you’d rather not talk about, or being open about your boundaries: “I’d prefer not to discuss my relationship with Jonathan, let’s talk about something else.”

One of the guiding principles of my life is that all relationships are voluntary (apart from my responsibilities to my kid: I chose to bring her into the world so I owe it to her to stick around and do my bit to the best of my ability). That means I’m involved in the relationships I’m involved in because I want to be, not because I feel obligated to. It’s up to us to better the relationships we want to better (within the confines of what we can control), and to know when it’s time to distance ourselves, say goodbye, and create space for more positive and happy-making relationships.

3. Shoulds

“Whenever you use the word should, you are arguing with reality.” – Tara Brach

I often say or think this word when comparing how I’m living or what’s happening, to the ideal of how I think I should live or what should happen—an ideal that only exists in my head. Although I’m not a Buddhist, I see the sense in the idea that much of our suffering comes from wanting things to differ from how they are. Should-ing all over myself is a major part of this!

The next time you notice yourself using the word “should,” stop and get curious. Ask yourself why you think you (or others) should or shouldn’t do that. What’s the belief behind the should? Is that your belief? If so, why are you doing or not doing that thing already? What’s stopping you? If it’s not your belief, but one you realise you’ve adopted from someone else, then what is it going to take to let that belief go? What do you want to believe instead?

4. “Have tos”

Most of us use the phrase “I have to…” (do the laundry, pick up the kids, write this report, etc.) without thinking about what we’re saying. As I wrote about in this post, in reality, there are few things we have to do.

Breathe. Eat. Sleep.

Most other things we think of in terms of “have to” are things we choose to do. Get up at 5.30 am? I choose to do that because that’s when my daughter usually wakes up. I prefer spending that time as quality time together rather than engaged in a battle to persuade her to sleep longer. Do the laundry? I choose to do that because I like having clean clothes and being able to hang out with my friends without them wrinkling their noses while edging away from me.

When I view my life as a series of “have tos”, I feel less free. If you feel the same way, try replacing “have to” with “choose to.” If it makes little sense or doesn’t feel right to hear yourself say “I choose to…” what can you change about the situation?

5. Ideas, errands, and to-dos

Ideas are great, but not when they are taking up valuable bandwidth and space in your head. That thing you’d like to do when you finish graduate school three years from now: do you want it taking up valuable mind bandwidth for three whole years? No! Write it down, get it out, declutter your thoughts, and move on, knowing it’s safe and sound for when you’re ready to come back to it.

In Getting Things Done (a system without which, I would not get things done), David Allen describes an exercise he calls a “core dump.” It’s simple: take a sheet of paper (or a new Evernote note/Word document) and give yourself 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted time. Write everything in your head. Everything. Tasks you need to finish, errands you need to run, to-dos that are looming, projects in progress, projects you want to start at some point but haven’t gotten around to yet, ideas for the future, things you’re waiting for people to get back to you about, things you think you might someday want to do but aren’t sure… everything.

Write it all down in one big list. Once you’re done, you can divide the items up into their relevant categories (he suggests: projects, tasks and someday/maybe ideas). Make this a regular weekly practice. Each time you think of a new “Ooh, I should remember to…” or “Hmm, wouldn’t it be great if…,” get it out of your head, write it down, and bask in your newfound peace of mind, knowing you don’t have to keep track of all this by memory anymore.

6. Worries and fears

How much time do you spend worrying about things that haven’t happened yet or you have no control over? If the answer is “more than I feel good about,” then it might be time to declutter your worries.

I start this process using the core dump exercise above to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I usually find this alone eases some of my fears and worries and gives me a different perspective on them.

Here are two other things I’ve found helpful to declutter my emotional life too:

Dialogues

If you notice you have the same persistent internal voice casting prophecies of doom and gloom, try conversing with it. This is a journaling technique I talk about more in my book, The Ultimate Guide to Journaling. The basic gist is to write out a dialogue with this part of yourself like you would a script or screenplay. Try asking this part what it’s afraid of, why it’s afraid of that thing, and what it needs: what would help it worry less?

Practice negative visualisation

Follow your “what ifs” to their conclusion. What if you did lose your job? What if you did lose all your friends? What if your house did burn down? Even if we know the scenarios we worry about are unlikely, what we resist persists. The more you try to tell yourself to stop worrying, the more you’re likely to ruminate.

So why not change your approach and give your worries a voice? If you follow your fears through to their logical conclusion, you will usually discover you are capable and resourceful enough to deal with most things life could throw at you.

Get support

If you could use extra support with your worries (for example, if it’s stopping you from doing things you’d like to do and you’re not sure how to move forward on your own), consider talking to a qualified counsellor, therapist or coach about what’s happening. I wrote more about these different kinds of support here.

7. Goals

I am a big fan of goal-setting. Goals give me a sense of momentum and forward movement. I find it useful to think about the values I hold dear, how I’d like to feel, what a life well-lived would look like, and what I can create in my life to reflect those things. Like most personal growth tools, however, we can also encounter “goals gone bad.” When my goals aren’t working, I’ve noticed one of two things is usually happening:

I am focusing on too many goals at once

As the saying goes: we can do anything, but not everything. Focusing on too much at once is a subtle form of self-sabotage as it almost guarantees you’ll become overwhelmed. Dissuaded by the lack of progress and the seemingly never-ending mountain to climb in front of you, you’re more likely to give up—reinforcing the belief the thing you’re trying to do is too difficult.

You know your personal limits and, while life doesn’t go on forever, you also don’t need to do all the things right here, right now. Focus on going deep with one or two goals and shelve the rest until you’ve made significant progress or have completed them. I have found it takes mindful self-discipline not to add too many goals and projects to my plate, but rather to make a note of new ideas and aspirations (remember the core dump? Such a useful exercise!) and return to focusing on what I’m doing right now.

My goals are conflicting

This is another byproduct of “trying to do all the things right now.” When I try to do too much at once, I’m likely to end up with goals that conflict and therefore not make any progress. For example, if I want to finish the three books I currently have in progress (#truestory.), it will be harder and slower to do that if I also decide I want to start another website at the same time. That doesn’t mean I can’t do both those things, but it requires some serious thought and consideration to figure out how I would make those two goals work together.

Over to you: Which of the areas above could use attention in your life? Are there any other non-physical things you think it’s important to declutter?

Recommended Reading



Products from Amazon.com












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Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone




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The Ultimate Guide to Journaling




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The post 7 Non-Physical Things to Declutter for a More Tranquil Life appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Moving Through Fear and Self-Criticism Towards Action

This is a guest post by Esha.

For the past three years or so, I’ve been more or less in a complaining rut. Hosting a pity party where I am the only attendee and spending ample time snotting into my handkerchief with my woes dripping into cheap Styrofoam cups. Did I mention the dismal disco ball flashing blue and green in the center of it all?

My pity party was (and continues to be whenever it is held) a celebration of all the things gone wrong in my life. I didn’t know my passion, I was pursuing a course that I wasn’t really interested in, everyone else could find the motivation to study but I dealt with resistance day after day after day, my relationships weren’t that good and I didn’t finish the books I started.

The consequences of attending the pity party:

Diagnosed with Unspiritual Stillness Syndrome a.k.a inertia.

I sat quietly in the corner (unusual for a girl who is the first to say hi or hug people).

I stopped enjoying the company of people (“I am in the midst of my pity party and your dialogue is interrupting my misery!!”).

I stopped taking initiative and believing that opportunities could be found or created.

I disliked myself.

None of this happened outrightly or was even visible. For the people around me, I was more or less the same. But I knew what went on inside my head. It wasn’t the golden space it seemed from the outside. Weeds were thriving, poison was seeping in, and the pity party had just started.

I’ll take the risk of hazarding a guess: don’t most people feel this way? Some might do most of the time, others only sometimes, yet others all of the time. We all have a pity party going on in our heads: a list of things that separates us from the ‘lucky’ and the ‘blessed’ ones eternally. The complaints might be imperfections in own personality, a circumstance not of our wishes, or another person who invites us to their pity party (misery loves company sure but 2 is too much, by golly!)

But guess what? A very important part of self-care is to stop attending these pity parties.

The stories being told in our pity parties are told by the Fear Voice. The sane-rational-realistic-mature-practical-but-really-deathly-scared-of-everything voice. It makes a strong case for believing in it and we accept all of its argument because we hear those arguments from the people around us. Hence, they must be right, right?

But the truth is most of the time our Fear Voice is simply an over-anxious (okay over-over-anxious) parent who wants no harm to befall us. It believes that by throwing these pity parties and keeping us focused on the ‘wrongs’ we’ll have less chances of being hurt. The Fear Voice simply seeks to protect us.

All of this clearly implies something: we can stop believing in the Fear Voice any time. Once you realize all of these fear stories are a result of generations old survival instincts, you can choose to stop attending the pity party. You can choose to no longer invest time and energy, and consequently lose people and dreams as a result of attending these parties all the time.

You can leave the house, put down the cup. You can get up and walk away.

“Alright, alright, I hear you. We can. But, how?”

The how is the most exciting part, my friends.

Action.

Nothing gets you out of the self-pitying rut than action. Pity parties become a habit and the best way to break the habit is to start acting the opposite of what your Fear Voice tells you to (within the limits of what’s mortally safe for you and those around you).

I know, I know. At this time the protestation ‘I don’t feel like it’ arises. But the important thing to remember is taking action will actually change how you feel.

The most common tendency among pity-partiers is to not take action. This increases our fear as we then start to breed all these untruthful ideas about things, events, and people.

The important thing is to generate some momentum by taking action and letting that action propel you out of your inertia. The desired emotions will show up eventually. But, your actions must not go on hold simply because you ‘don’t feel like it.’

This my most common pitfall and I am only just learning to recognize it and to change it. Modern psychology backs the statement that taking action leads to positive feeling states. Acting how you want to feel is a 1000% times better than waiting for the feeling to show up, or worse yet to try to think yourself into the feeling (which is crazy impossible because I have tried).

Not only does taking action helps you to feel better, it also increases you chances of something amazeballs happening. You lit a fire, you sparked a miracle. The Universe puts on its co-creation conspiracy act right in that moment.

In my neck of the woods, after a week of snarky self-criticism and pity-partying, I put on my proactivity pants along with my Just Get it Done shoes, and used the intensity of that underground feeling of hopelessness to mail different companies/ websites and people inquiring about available writing work. I shamelessly (or boldly—your pick), sent in my resume and a link to my blog (which I was previously shy about sharing) and told them that I was willing to write great stuff for them at the moment. I also sent in a poetry submission for one of my favorite magazines and I am helluuuvaaa excited about it! *fingers crossed + candles blown*

And I felt darn good after shooting off those emails and submission. I no longer felt pathetic or restless or self-critical. I had channeled that energy into constructive action. I had done something about it. I had RSVPed ‘no’ to my Fear Voice.

Nothing happen unless you make it happen. Self-care, birthday bashes, writing opportunities. Even pity parties and the experience of your dreams. Which will you choose?

About Esha

[image error]Esha Rana is a 20 year-old storyteller and undergrad who’s majoring in computer science. When not reading up on Machine Learning, she can be found writing poetry, listening to Hozier, or pondering over the current state of human civilization. She’s currently crafting her voice at www.versesandpieces.wordpress.com and loves unexpected conversations with strangers from any and nowhere.

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Goodbye, September

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links. [image error]

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Well that went quickly. September’s post is a little late because it didn’t quite register that the end of the month was the end of the month. Ever have times like that? I’m sure I’m not the only one…

September has been both the busiest and most chill month of this year. Busiest because our family travelled to the US, spoke at the wonderful Freecoast Festival, and have been having fun catching up with old friends and making new ones in New Hampshire. Chill because for the first time since my daughter was born, I’ve been prioritising fun over work! I haven’t felt the usual tension and scarcity about how little I’m “getting done” work-wise now I’m a mother (compared to my expectations of myself).

This is a big win for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve equated self-worth and productivity. And the two aren’t unrelated (having some sense of purpose, direction, and growth trajectory is healthy; it’s hard to feel good about ourselves if we’re in a perpetual state of taking without contributing, creating, or being constructive in some way). But motherhood has made me face up to some of my irrational and unhelpful beliefs and attachments in this area. It’s also made me re-examine and redefine what “being productive” means to me. I’ve done a lot of inner work this year around identity, what kind of mother I want to be, how I can integrate all the different roles I want to inhabit in my life, and so on, and it’s a relief to experience—phew!—this is finally paying off.

I also turned 30 this weekend. My 20s were quite the rollercoaster and I feel like a completely different (much happier, much more grounded) person at the end of them than I did at the beginning. A lot of wonderful things have happened and the good has outweighed the bad, but, honestly, if I were offered the chance to live them again, I’d probably politely decline :) I’ve heard several people say their 30s were much better than their 20s too, so bring it on. I’m ready!

This was a longer update than usual, but I appreciate this opportunity to get more personal share with you in semi-real time what’s happening in my life (I usually schedule blog content a couple of months in advance because life is a little more unpredictable now I have a kid!).

I hope you’ve had a great September :) Let’s move on to this month’s prompts…

10 Questions for you

September

What did you start in September?
And what did you stop?
What is your favourite memory from the past month?
What was challenging this month?
What were your biggest lessons learned this month?

October

If you approached each day with 5% more optimism in October, what would you do differently?
If you were to live each day in October the way you’ve lived today, what kind of month would that create?
How will you know if October has been a good month? What would make it so for you?
What is unresolved from September that you’d like to complete, resolve, get closure on, or wrap up in October?
Make a list of 10 fun things you plan to do during October.

Articles of the Month

Do bad feelings serve a purpose?
How to detox from information overload
25 uncomfortable things you need to do if you don’t want to regret your 20s
Please don’t cancel
10 ways to improve your days
How to master the art of saying a positive no
4 questions to ask yourself every day
50 (big and little) things it’s finally time to get rid of

Quote of the Month

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“There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.” – Robert Holden

Book of the Month

[image error]Braving the Wilderness is, in my opinion, Brené Brown’s most personal and timely book yet. Whereas her last three books have formed a trilogy (how to live wholeheartedly, how to get int the arena, how to get back up when you’ve been knocked down), Braving the Wilderness is an equally wonderful book about how we create a sense of belonging without compromising our authenticity, identity, and integrity. While still sharing the research-based findings Brown is well-known for, she has created a moving and perspective-shifting book that shows us how to stay connected (and sane!) while everyone around us seems to be breaking off into “us and them” factions based on emotional triggers and faulty logic.

If you’ve ever wondered where you fit in and who you fit in with right now, if you’ve ever felt afraid to speak up for fear of being judged or labelled, if you find yourself feeling disillusioned or frustrated with the way people communicate about important issues, and if you know there is a better alternative to all these things, this book is a must-read.

Resource of the Month

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Coach.me is a brilliant app for tracking the habits and goals that further your health, wellbeing and personal growth. It’s free to use and, once you’ve chosen your habits, it’s a great platform for checking in daily, tracking your progress, and being able to ask questions of other people working on the same habits. Some of the daily habits I’ve been tracking using Coach.me are journaling, writing (book writing and blogging), and walking 10,000 steps.

If you’d like extra support, accountability and guidance with individual habits, you can also get one-to-one chat coaching. I recently became a certified digital coach with Coach.me and have been working with clients on their journaling, writing and creativity for the last couple of months. We focus on building momentum with your chosen habit as quickly as possible, and you’ll usually see results within a couple of weeks. Because it’s text-based, the coaching fits around your schedule, is super affordable ($2 a day), and allows you to be in regular contact with your coach, rather than just once a week or less. You can find out more about Coach.me coaching here.

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

The Significance of Acceptance {guest post by Kate}
Are you giving yourself the approval you seek from others?
4 vital life lessons alcohol addiction recovery taught me {guest post by Andy}
13 reasons you’re not making changes you want to make part 1 & part 2

Wishing you a wonderful October! 

 

 

Photo by Autumn Mott on Unsplash

 

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13 Reasons You’re Not Making the Changes You Want To (Part 2)

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This is a continuation of last week’s post, where I shared the first seven reasons we might not be making the changes we want to make (if you haven’t read it, I recommend doing so before moving on). This week, I want to share six more reasons and a few thoughts about how to tackle them…

8. You’re experiencing confirmation bias

We view new information, situations, and opportunities through the lens of what we already believe. In some situations, this can be helpful (for example, “assuming the best” is a lens I endeavour to use). It can also be unhelpful. If we believe we aren’t good enough, we will unconsciously hone in on experiences that (from our perspective) prove this belief, while filtering out experiences that contradict it. This means if deep down we don’t think we can make the changes we want to make, we will look for information that confirms that hypothesis, and reject information that suggests otherwise.

The first step to overcoming confirmation bias is to notice it and to open ourselves up to all information: that which confirms our existing beliefs and that which encourages us to create new ones. The next time you notice yourself spotlighting all the evidence you can’t make the change you want to make, ask yourself: “What’s the evidence I can do this?”

9. You’re using an external locus of control

Our “locus of control” describes the degree to which we feel we’re in control over the events of our lives and what causes our actions. An internal locus of control means we believe we have more control, and external locus of control means we believe we have less control (note: this isn’t determined how much control we say we think we have, but how we actually behave).

We don’t inhabit a fixed point on the internal-external scale: our sense of control and agency shifts from experience to experience. Most situations contain elements we can control and elements we can’t, and it benefits us to pay attention to those we can. If someone rear-ends us at a set of traffic lights because they’re busy texting, that’s not something we can control, but making sure we have adequate insurance to cover incidents like that is.

When we have an external locus of control, we feel at the mercy of other people, our environment, and other external forces. This mindset makes it harder to make the changes we want to make because we feel like we’re always being blown off course by things outside of our control. This can leave us feeling helpless, demotivated, and stuck. If we have an external locus of control, we’re more likely to blame our failure to make changes we want to make on things like being too busy, a lack of support from other people, it was too rainy to go running, etc.

With an internal locus of control, we’re more likely to explore what we can control and influence in the situation. If we’re too busy, how can we free up more time to focus on our desired change? If our partner isn’t giving us the support we want, can we try talking to them about it, or seeking support elsewhere? If it’s raining all week, can we go running indoors or invest in some wet weather gear?

10. You’re doing what worked for someone else, not what works for you

As I mentioned in the previous post, having a role model for your change can be helpful. At the same time, it’s worth remembering that what works for them won’t always yield the same results for you. Besides, what works for someone who is two steps ahead of you at this stage of their journey might not work for you where you are on your journey. Knowing when to heed the advice and when to say “thank you!” before going your own merry way is an important part of becoming who you are. Trying to fit ourselves into a mould that just isn’t right for us will leave us feeling anxious, out of place, and stuck. I’ve found this hard in the past. Part of me feels deferential to authority figures so, if someone sounds like they know what they’re talking about, I think they must know better than me. Not always the case! I often have to remind myself that I’m the one living my life, no one else, so I have permission to go my way, in my style, and in my timeframe.

11. You have a fixed mindset

Growing up, I believed I was unathletic. This belief was rooted in a fixed mindset: I thought you either were athletic or you weren’t, and I was in the “not” camp. That belief also came with a smidgen of shame. So I would avoid any situation that came with the potential to show my so-called innate lack of athleticism and stay in my comfort zone.

As an adult, I’ve done many things that contradict that belief, whether that’s cycling from London to Brighton, hiking up volcanoes, or doing two 8-week cycles of Insanity back-to-back. In fact, I am athletic! And I love me a good physical challenge. But until I changed my thinking about this from “you either have it or you don’t” to “this is something I can improve over time,” I didn’t give myself the chance to try all these new experiences. The truth is most things we believe to be “fixed” about ourselves aren’t. Intelligence, optimism, skills—these are all things we can influence and change. Before we can do that, though, we need to accept they are changeable. As long as we are holding on to beliefs we’re “Just not someone who is X” (athletic/creative/good with money/can lose weight/insert your own desired change here), we won’t make the changes we want to make.

12. You don’t really want to change (yet?)

Sometimes, we kinda sorta want to change but we don’t want to want to. And, if that’s where you are, that’s a fine place to be.

The saying “if you’re not changing, you just don’t want it enough” is popular in the personal growth and coaching worlds. It’s a statement thrown around as fact when the reality is often far more nuanced and complicated. As the two posts in this series have shown, there are many reasons we might encounter stumbling blocks when changing our lives. Suggesting that any time we find change hard it’s because we don’t want it enough lacks understanding and, at worst, is shaming.

But, while I don’t agree with that theory as a blanket statement, there are certain situations in which it applies. Sometimes we think we want to make a change because that’s what other people have told us we should do, or because we’re listening to old internal scripts about the way we should live and the person we should be. But we—our true selves—don’t actually want to make that change. And not wanting to change isn’t a sign you’re lazy/a coward/a loser, but a sign you’re listening to yourself and challenging those “shoulds.”

We also might not have reached that point where the pain of staying where we are is greater than the pain of making the change (this is similar to the point about discomfort in the previous post). In this case why would we trade less pain for more pain? That doesn’t mean we can’t make the change, but if we’re struggling and this is the reason, it’s important to acknowledge and accept this is where we are right now.

A useful line of questioning in this situation is: If, one year from now, I haven’t made this change, how am I going to feel? What is my life going to look like? What impact will it have on other areas of my life? What about five years from now? What about 10 years?

And, if I make this change, how am I going to feel one year from now? What is my life going to look like? What impact will it have on other areas of my life? What about five years from now? What about 10 years? As well as thinking about your responses to these questions, allow yourself to feel your emotional response too. Put yourself in the shoes of Future You one, five and 10 years from now. Imagine what it would be like to be him or her.

How does that shift your perspective in the present?

13. You’re looking for a magic bullet

Change takes time, and anyone from the “you can just decide to be happy!” school of thought who tries to sell you on the idea there is one thing that will transform your life and make all your troubles disappear is deceiving themselves and you. This is a common mindset and one that is enticing. The dark side of this is that a) it’s not true, and b) if you’re someone for whom change doesn’t come easy (most of us), it can leave you wondering whether there’s something wrong with you given other people manage to spirit away their issues and your journey is taking longer. The good news is wherever you’re starting from, change can happen. There won’t be one magic bullet that will solve your problems and drastically improve your life for the better. It’s likely to be a combination of things, plus dedicated effort on your part. But it is possible and yours for the taking.

Whatever change you’re wanting to make, and whatever obstacles you’ve come up against so far, know this: the possibility of change comes with each new breath. It starts now, whether it’s 8 am or 10 pm, Monday or Thursday, December or July.

As the saying goes “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” What are you going to do with it?

Further reading: How to complain effectively (and actually change something) & 10-minute rituals to change your life

Photo by Erik-Jan Leusink on Unsplash

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The post 13 Reasons You’re Not Making the Changes You Want To (Part 2) appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

13 Reasons You’re Not Making Changes You Want To Make (Part 1)

“If information was the answer then we’d all be billionaires with perfect abs.”


– Derek Sivers

Most of us have changes we would like to make in our lives—myself included. Yet, doing so can feel hard. So hard, there are books, workshops, programmes, and whole industries dedicated to unpacking and exploring making changes. And we still struggle!

In the next couple of posts, I’m sharing some of the most common reasons we aren’t making changes we want to make (and what to do about them). I’m a big believer in the idea that understanding leads to clarity and action. When we’re struggling to make changes we want to make and don’t understand why this can leave us feeling even more out of control and helpless. We don’t want to stop and pitch our tent in the “understanding” phase, but it is an important stepping stone towards action and becoming who we are. This turned into a 3,500+ word post (!), so I’m sharing eight reasons this week and the rest in the next week’s post. Let’s go:

1. You’re avoiding discomfort

Making changes comes with discomfort. Change can feel risky, the outcome uncertain, and making the change might require us to face all kinds of experiences we’d rather avoid: judgement, rejection, failure, feeling our feelings rather than numbing them, and so on. I’ve found it useful to think about change from a perspective described by writer Srinivas Rao: change isn’t about how much you want it, it’s about how uncomfortable you’re willing to be to make it happen.

2. Change takes energy

Doing what we’ve always done is the path of least resistance, even if it’s making us miserable. Making changes to habits and patterns in our life requires conscious effort and energy. If you’re not willing to expend that energy, you won’t change. Recognise that making any changes requires effort and help yourself out. Set up habits in other areas of your life that support you. Create a “When Life Works” list, get support (the right support—see below), and put the same energy into making this change as you would into any important, life-defining project.

3. You’re experiencing fear of the unknown.

What will happen if you make this change? We often focus on the potential downside: what if I fail? What if this doesn’t work out? But alongside this, we can also have fears based on a very different outcome too: What if I succeed? What if this changes other areas of my life? What if I make the change then don’t enjoy it? What if I make the change, then screw it up, lose everything, and end up back where I started? What if my partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/parents/siblings/co-workers/pets don’t like this change? As well as paying attention to your fears of the unknown around negative outcomes, give voice to your fears of success too. Every change—even the best, most life-enhancing changes—come with some degree of loss and grieving for the path not taken. Get conscious of all the ways you are experiencing fear of the unknown, whatever the outcome, and give these feelings and fears a voice before moving forward.

4. You’re trying to change too many things at once

As the saying goes, “You can do anything, but not everything.” If we have multiple changes we want to make in our lives, we might feel internal pressure to do all the things right now. In reality, this isn’t sustainable (see the point above about energy). Making one change, even a small one, can require all the mindfulness and effort we have to spare. Having self-awareness around the things we want to change and the aspirations to do so is valuable, however, it’s also important to remember: you have time. Slow, steady, and sustainable progress that takes you towards where you want to be in the long-term is much better than a flurry of activity that burns out and leaves you feeling despondent and self-critical.

5. You’re seeking support and validation from the wrong people.

Support is crucial for making changes. The bigger the change, the more support we need. When we’re changing something meaningful about our lifestyle, health, career, finances, or any other big aspect of our lives, we want to make sure we’re getting the right support.

By default, most of us turn to family and close friends. However, this isn’t always the best source of support, especially if they are engaging in the patterns, activities, or dynamics you’d like to change. If your friends are all smokers and you decide you want to quit, they won’t be the best people to support you (unless they are willing to join you). This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them about your decision, but it’s worth being mindful that they might have their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and fears about the change—conscious or unconscious—that colour their response.

Support might not even come in the form of people we know. A role model doesn’t have to be someone we have a personal relationship with. Instead, they might be someone who has trodden a similar path before us and is sharing their journey in public.

Finding the right support doesn’t mean shunning anyone who disagrees with you. Disagreements can be valuable, throw up helpful questions we might not have considered, and force us to think through how this change fits with our principles and values. But we want to make sure we’re disagreeing with people who will respect our individuality and autonomy and are committed to helping us grow.

6. You are expecting change to be easy or instantaneous.

Some changes are easy, but most are not, and it’s often difficult to predict which changes will fall into either category. Making changes that might seem like a piece of cake, in theory, might actually be teeth-grittingly difficult in practice. And that’s OK. This is why it’s important to hope for the best and plan for the worst. If we begin from a place of certainty that it’s going to be hard, it will be. So we want to approach change believing we can do it, without expecting it to be quick and easy. You will slip up and it takes grit and perseverance to continue. That’s where planning for the worst can be useful.

As you approach your change, consider: what will you do when you slip up? What will your next step be? How will you respond when you’re tempted to revert to your old pattern/behaviour? How will you stick to the path you’ve chosen? Returning to the example of quitting smoking, you’ll find it useful to ask yourself: How will I respond when I’m in a situation where other people are smoking? When I’m craving a cigarette, what will I do instead? What other activities can I engage in during those times until the craving passes? Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and you’ll find reality often lands somewhere in the middle :)

7. Making changes from a place of “not good enough”

How you think about yourself matters, including what you make a change mean about you as a person. When we decide it’s time to change, we often do so through realising something in our lives isn’t working or we’re no longer happy with the way things are. We might have reached rock bottom, or we might simply have arrived at a place of thinking to ourselves “OK, that’s enough now.” If we’re wanting to change something we don’t feel good about, it’s easy to slip into scarcity-based thinking and motivation. Perhaps we believe we’re not good enough until we make a change, perhaps we believe other people would judge and reject us if they knew how hard this change was for us to make, or perhaps we are engaging in “when…then…” thinking (e.g. “When I lost 10 pounds, then I’ll feel confident enough to start dating.”)

Needless to say, setting goals and aspirations out of fear and scarcity is not conducive to happiness and life satisfaction. Here’s something we tend to forget when it comes to change and self-kindness:

We can be self-accepting and still have things we want to do and ways in which we want to grow. We can believe we are enough and also want to explore our capabilities and potential further.

The changes we make from a place of believing we are already enough are a lot more fulfilling, life-enriching and worthwhile than the changes we strive to achieve because we think we need those changes to feel good about ourselves.

(N.B. If this resonates with you, I offer a free workbook in the Becoming Who You Are Library called You Are Already Enough, which is all about setting goals from a place of “good enough.”)

8. You’re letting your inner critics rule the show

Last (for this post, anyway), but not least, let’s cast our attention over to our inner critics for a few moments.

Side note: This is a huge topic and one that is too big to cover in a single blog post paragraph. If you struggle with vocal inner critics, I’m releasing a new book later this year, which is all about how to deal with our critics in a way that is rooted in self-kindness. Stay tuned for more info!

Although our inner critics mean well and are trying to protect us in their own ways, they end up doing more harm than good. When we listen to the voices telling us we’re useless, we’ll never change, it’s hopeless, why bother, there’s something wrong with us if we’re finding it this hard, etc., this won’t help us change. It’s more likely to cause us to slip into the “not enough” thinking I described above.

While there is no single solution to dealing with our inner critics, if yours are ruling the show, I invite you to start gently challenging them. I don’t believe in telling our inner critics to shut up or calling them names (do you like it when someone does that to you? I don’t…), but it is important to set boundaries with them. So if your inner critic is telling you how useless you are, encourage it to be a little more constructive by asking questions like “So what would it look like to not be useless in this situation? What would you do instead?” Keep persevering with your questions and see what they offer in response.

I’d love to hear from you: what gets in the way of making changes you want to make? What are your biggest struggles with change? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

 

Photo by Linh Nguyen on Unsplash

The post 13 Reasons You’re Not Making Changes You Want To Make (Part 1) appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

4 Vital Life Lessons Alcohol Addiction Recovery Taught Me

This is a guest post by Andy.

“Everyday men, women, and adolescents take their first steps on this journey. Dramatic changes do happen.” ~ Joe Herzanek

Looking back on the reasons I began drinking in the first place, I realize that every bad decision I made, every boozy binge session I went through, was all part of the journey to who I am today.

I’m not saying that being an alcoholic was awesome. That letting my friends and workmates down at any given moment was a blast or that hurting myself emotionally and physically was something I’d ever repeat again. But it made me take a long hard look at the things in my life that were causing so much pain.

It has been a long and rough journey to get where I am today. I no longer use alcohol to escape my anxiety disorder or my depression (both disorders I discovered when I was going through my rehab process) but am learning how to be mindful of my surroundings and coping with my conditions.

For those of you reading this who might be lost in alcoholism, or beginning the long road to recovery or are even walking beside a loved one during this difficult time, I have a message for you.

It will all be OK and you can fight addiction. You are not alone in this and even though I’m a stranger I want to reach out to you today and share the 4 most vital life lessons I learned during my path to recovery.

1. You Deserve To Have A Successful Recovery

One of the biggest problems a person faces when trying to recover is realizing their own worth. Many addicts I’ve known always say that they are a burden to their families and don’t deserve to have a “normal life” after the hell they put themselves and others through. This very first lesson is about being able to say “I deserve to live a full and healthy sober life” no matter what happened to you at your lowest points because of addiction. You are not a dysfunctional person who can’t cope with society. Accept that you have bad days like any other person but learn how to deal with them without turning to your vices.

We all matter in this universe and understanding you are important, worthy and that you have a second chance to start all over is the first step to beginning the recovery process.

2. Becoming Mindful of Your Surroundings Changes Everything

When I was completely wasted, the only things that mattered were me and the drink I had in my hand. I could care less about anyone around me or even where I was or what I was doing. This led to some pretty regretful actions that I am still mortified to remember.

Part of my path to addiction recovery was learning how to practice mindfulness meditation. It took a little practice to really start feeling the benefits of mindfulness but it has certainly helped me manage successfully my anxiety and depression and kept me from relapsing back to alcohol.

Part of this meditation is learning how to master your breathing and place yourself in your present surroundings. Mindfulness is about being aware of everything around you and how to interact with people in a calmer, more objective way. It can help you manage stressful situations and lift your mood when you feel down.

Instead of reaching for a bottle when I feel those negative thoughts trying to pull me back in, I can take a moment to pause and think more clearly about what would happen if I gave in to alcohol. Mindfulness is a way to help you see the bigger picture when you need it most.

3. Your Addiction Does Not Control You

The path to recovery depends on one person at the end of the day, and that person is you, alcohol itself has nothing to do with it. It seems easier said than done but you are the one in control of how far your addiction goes.

You have certain choices during recovery. One of them is: fight or flight? You can give it all you got and keep battling it, and if you fall get back up again and keep trying or you can run away from the reality of what addiction is doing to you and those you love and let it consume you.

There are moments when it seems so much easier to just give in to addiction because no alcoholic or drug addict ever recovered without a few falls and scrapes, I’m certain of it. One of the most important things you must do if you are going to fight is, to be honest with yourself.

Stop telling lies to yourself and your family and saying things like “I can’t do it, it’s too hard” or “things will never change”. Maybe they won’t change because deep down, you don’t want them to, but if you are ever going to have a chance at a better life you must believe in change and do everything in your power to make it happen.

4. The Path Is Slow and You Must Take Your Time

Everyone’s path to recovery is different and your experience may be totally different to mine. Perhaps your drinking is connected to a broken heart, stress or being unhappy with how your life turned out.

The universal truth, however, is that it takes time and you must be patient. If you are the addict, be prepared to go in this for the long haul. There is no magic wand to fix everything but believe me, time is a great healer. Every day you spend clean and sober gives you more motivation and you will begin to feel in control again.

You will see improvements in your health not only in your mind. Substance or alcohol abuse is extremely harmful to your health, and on the path to recovery, you will see how much healthier you feel.

It is easy to forget about the physical damage you can do to yourself with alcoholism and only after you leave it behind will you notice the positive changes in your body.

I hope that by sharing some of the lessons I have learned on the path to recovery, you can see that your own journey is not a lonely one and there are so many positive things you can find on that path. You can beat addiction and become a more mindful, positive person who enjoys life like anyone else because you deserve to live.

Have you got your own recovery lessons to share? I would love to hear about your own personal journey whether you face addiction yourself or know someone close to you who has.

Leave me a message in the comments section below and good luck on the path to recovery.

About Andy

[image error]Hi, I am Andy! I was born in Bogota, Colombia but raised in Los Angeles, California. I am 8 years sober (almost 9!). I spend my time helping others with their recovery and growing my online business. Read more of my writing at Northpoint Recovery.

 

 

Photo by Heidi Sandstrom. on Unsplash

The post 4 Vital Life Lessons Alcohol Addiction Recovery Taught Me appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Are You Giving Yourself the Approval You Seek From Others?

Over the last few months, I’ve been writing my next book. It’s about the inner critic and, as usual, I am learning a lot through parsing and consolidating my thoughts and ideas on this topic. There’s nothing like writing about something to make you think long and hard about how you’re living it in your own life! In one chapter, I talk about some of the most common stories our inner critic tells us, one of which is about external validation and people-pleasing. This is something I cover in my course, Be Your Own Hero, and it crops up in the book too.

Contrary to what we usually think, seeking validation or approval from others isn’t a problem. What causes trouble is depending on it. This is usually a sign of a deeper issue in our relationship with ourselves. Before we get on to that, though, let’s rewind and take a look at why people-pleasing doesn’t work.

The problem with people-pleasing

The big problem with people-pleasing is it doesn’t work, even when we get what we want. When we change or hide things about ourselves to get validation from other people, we don’t feel any better even if we get their validation. This is because we know deep down that the person they are validating is not us, it’s who we’re pretending to be.

This kind of validation seeking has a darker side too: it’s a form of controlling behaviour. We are trying to control what other people think of us and, to a lesser but still important degree, how they behave towards us. We people-please because we don’t want to experience rejecting behaviour and feel all the uncomfortable feelings that come up as a result. What other people think, feel, and do isn’t something we can control—and trying to do so isn’t respectful or fair to them. The only thing we can control is how we show up and how we behave.

Where true validation comes from

We are social beings, and it’s natural to care about what people think. However, we don’t want to apply this indiscriminately, because not everyone knows us, understands us, or shares our values. I care about what my husband thinks because his feelings and thoughts matter to me. Taking them into account is part of maintaining a good relationship. Ditto for my friends. I care about what my daughter thinks because her wellbeing and growth are my responsibility.

But my hairdresser, who thought my husband and I were crazy for renting instead of buying? He’s great at cutting hair, but I’m not concerned about what he thinks of my financial and lifestyle choices. We want to care about what the right people think. These are the people who have credibility, who we know are invested in our growth (and, with kiddos, to whom we have a responsibility).

When we seek validation from anyone and everyone, it’s because there’s a part of us that doesn’t accept ourselves. When our internal world lacks acceptance and understanding, it’s natural we turn to our external world to get it. Our job is to identify what that part is, what its problem is and negotiate with ourselves towards self-acceptance first.

We can do this by noticing:
When do I seek approval from other people?
What am I seeking approval of?
How do I want other people to see me?
Where do I feel I need to alter or hide parts of myself in to win acceptance and approval?
What does this tell me about what I’m not accepting in myself?
What are the beliefs I have about why I don’t accept these aspects of myself?
What do I know to be true about these aspects of myself? How would I like to feel about them?
What would I like to believe about them?

If we’re validating ourselves, we don’t need validation from everyone around us. Will there be times when we need reassurance? Yes. Support? Absolutely. But we won’t depend on other people’s opinions to feel good about ourselves. When we are mindful to give ourselves the approval we are seeking from others, we have greater freedom to be who we truly are.

Where do you need to give yourself approval first? Where might you be looking to other people validate you instead?

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The post Are You Giving Yourself the Approval You Seek From Others? appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

The Significance of Acceptance

Acceptance makes an incredible fertile soil for the seeds of change.


—Steve Maraboli

This is a guest post by Kate Maurice.

It would be great to begin this article saying life is a fabulous adventure full of lucky chances and joy. This is exactly what we want to hear. This is the world we would gladly accept. Nevertheless, I can’t do it as it would be a lie. The truth is, life is unpredictable and full of surprises.

In fact, there are as many painful experiences as fortunate opportunities. Sometimes, life brings such adversity that you turn into a warrior trying to maintain your position. You learn self-protection, and it is alright—until you mix it up with self-acceptance.

To live in peace with yourself and the outer world as well, the first thing you have to do is not to defend but to accept yourself. The defense could be groundless and futile, and leave you with nothing. But self-acceptance will lead you to harmony and help you to feel content no matter what. Are you excited about such developments? Then let’s learn the art of acceptance together.

1. Meet yourself

Do you love your closest people? Parents, siblings, partner? Sure, you do. Do they have flaws? Of course, they do. But somehow you love them, and these flaws don’t mean you can’t accept them unconditionally. Easy, right? So, what is wrong with you then? Why can’t you treat yourself the same way?

Don’t you deserve understanding?

Oh yes, you do. As much as any other person on Earth. And if you don’t think so, just ask your closest people what makes them love you, what’s the first thing that comes to their mind when they think about you. Do not be afraid. On the contrary, be prepared to hear how thoughtful you are, how much they like your pancakes or enjoy watching you drive. Indeed, there are so many little things we don’t notice, thinking they’re insignificant, that make other people happy. Get to know them more.

And please, don’t look for the undertones. Believe them when they say you’re great.

2. Concentrate on your strengths

All fights begin in our souls. Our nature is our first enemy. We try to become someone different; we try to overcome our negative features and celebrate our wins. Well, flaws are part of us. Burying them, we’re burying ourselves as there is no way to be partly alive.

Every single feature you have makes you unique. You became who you are thanks to your parents, education, friends, etc. You impact the worlds and it impacts you back. Accept it, and concentrate on your strengths.

No doubt, it is much easier to notice your weaknesses, criticize yourself and jump to conclusions. Choose the other way. Make an effort to see your strengths and praise yourself for them. Develop the best within yourself. And flaws… they are here to make your virtues shine brighter.

3. Acceptance is not resignation

Self-acceptance has nothing in common with giving up. No way!

You can choose the people you want to live or be friends with, and you can always leave. But it is impossible to escape from yourself. So, to reach harmony, you have to learn to deal with your imperfection but not to stop working on it.

Self-acceptance lets you move forward without feeling guilty about not knowing something before, or not doing something right. It helps you stay true to yourself while you build a better (but real!) version of yourself. It gives you wings to leave the cage of uncertainty and self-reproach you created so diligently.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”


– Heath L. Buckmaster

The path to self-acceptance can take years, but it doesn’t matter. It is your winning ticket, the first step you’re taking towards a happy life, and a good start is half the race.

4. Pay attention to your milieu

Despite the fact self-acceptance is the only acceptance we truly need, we want others to understand and accept us as well. And often we don’t get what we want. We can’t get it because others haven’t accepted themselves yet, too. Yep, you’re not the only one who has to learn self-acceptance. There are many of us. And since we haven’t accepted ourselves, we can’t accept others. So, we criticize ourselves and others, and make it worse.

To raise self-acceptance you have to surround yourself with content and self-sufficient people. Avoid people who make you doubt yourself, who are pessimistic or jealous. Create your small world where you will be encouraged to improve your strengths and work on your weaknesses at the pace you’re comfortable with.

Sure, sometimes we have to communicate with people who are not as positive and open-minded as we expect them to be. In this case, just don’t listen to them. You are amazing—it is the only belief you have to take.

5. Move from feeling happy to actually being happy

Self-acceptance is the tool that helps you to find inner peace, to feel safe when alone. Meanwhile, life will keep happening, and you’ll keep meeting people and situations you don’t want to. These traits of life can easily disrupt your balance. To move from feeling happy to actually being happy, you have to accept life as it is, like you did with yourself. With all its flaws, imperfections and challenges.

The easiest way to do it is to stay realistic, but positive. The logical end of inflated expectations is disappointment. So, just let life happen, and be thankful for its tests as much as for its gifts. The outer world doesn’t depend on you (unlike your inner peace). Thus, don’t demand it to meet your requirements. Instead of fighting it, try to get the most out of what it offers.

Remember, how much easier everything gets when you stop worrying and start trusting your partner fully? This is the same. Life is your partner. Trust it. Sometimes, the wisest decision is to let go and follow.

Having accepted your circumstances, you’ll always be in the empowered place to make changes. Just follow your nature and be ready to reap the harvest.

Kate Maurice is a passionate tutor who aims to make this world a better place by helping students to cope with challenges they meet. She writes for different educational platforms. You can find her articles on Essay Writing Place. Sharing her thoughts, she intends to help people believe in themselves.

Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash

The post The Significance of Acceptance appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Goodbye, August

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links. [image error]

Do you enjoy the blog posts, podcasts and resources here? Please consider supporting Becoming Who You Are on Patreon. Your support helps cover the costs of running this site and is hugely appreciated! Pledge as little as $1 a month and get immediate access to bonus content and audios.

It’s the end of August and, for many of us here in the northern hemisphere, the beginning of the end of summer. I don’t know about you, but even though I’ve been out of school and university for years now, September still feels like a time to take stock, start something new, recommit to the things I need to recommit to, and generally regather myself. It’s a great time to do this exercise, revisit your When Life Works list and think about what you could create and experience in the final months of 2017…

10 Questions for you

August

What was the theme for your August?
What is one thing you feel proud about from this month?
If you could do August again, what would you do differently second time around?
What did you learn about yourself during August?
What did you enjoy reading/watching/listening to this month?

September

What would make this September your best September yet?
What is one thing you’re committed to starting in September?
And one thing you’re committed to stopping?
Imagine you’re sitting here in a month’s time. How would you like to feel as you look back on September? And what can you do to make that happen?
Complete this sentence: If I took 5% more responsibility for myself and my wellbeing this month, I would…

Articles of the Month

Self-love formulas are bulls**t
What we leave behind
Why art is vital for our self-care
7 science-backed reasons you should spend more time alone
Silent third-person self-talk facilitates emotional regulation
Chrysalis time
How to be patient

Quote of the Month

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“Sometimes there is no wrong choice, just many right choices.” – via Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Book of the Month

[image error]Against Therapy is an intense read, but worth it if you’re interested in exploring the history and ethical issues inherent in counselling and psychotherapy. Author Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson, an ex-psychotherapist himself, unpacks various schools of psychotherapy and examines the key philosophies behind them, how they have been used in practice and the big question: do they help in the way they claim to? He also includes some chapters on approaches I’d never heard of before that read more like a disturbing thriller than a non-fiction book. While I didn’t agree with all of his conclusions, I learned a lot reading this book and it left me with much food for thought.

Resource of the Month

[image error]This month’s resource is the brilliant Self-Care Toolkit. Created by psychologist Ellen Bard and packed with self-care ideas and topics, this 6-week email course will teach you what you need to know about taking better care of yourself. You’ll also get access to a private Facebook group to help provide additional support during your self-care journey. I’ve seen a couple of great lessons from the course and am looking forward to reinvigorating my self-care practice with Ellen next month!

Registration is open now until 8th September.  Becoming Who You Are readers can save 25% off the normal course price using the code “25%Sept17” (without the quotes).

Find out more and register here. (affiliate link)

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

3 ways to kick your indecision
When empathy goes wrong: emotional and identical resonance
How to practice digital mindfulness and focus on what matters
9 pieces of common life advice you should probably ignore

Wishing you a wonderful September! 

 

Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash

The post Goodbye, August appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

9 Pieces of Common Life Advice You Should Probably Ignore

True fact: I love Pinterest (are you there? Let’s connect!). If I’m looking for travel ideas, book inspiration, new recipes, style suggestions, infographics or anything else visual-based, Pinterest is my go-to guilty pleasure for, ahem, very important research. What I don’t love about Pinterest, however, is the deluge of “life advice” it has unleashed on the world. I’m talking about the pithy quotes that sound snappy, have a nice rhythm to them, and seem good in theory… but ignore the grey areas and nuances of this thing called real life. A few weeks ago, I asked on Facebook: what are pieces of common life advice you’ve heard that are not 100% accurate or plain wrong? All the responses had me nodding along, and in this post, I want to share a few of them:

1. “Never give up”

Sometimes giving up is 100% the right thing to do. All these Pinterest quotes that say “don’t quit,” “you only fail when you stop” and yada yada are plain wrong. If you change your mind, realise something you thought was the right thing for you isn’t, not only is it fine to give up, but it’s the sane thing to do. Ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy? “Never give up” comes straight out of that.

2. “Say yes to everything”

In the early 2000s, a British comedian called Danny Wallace ran a six-month experiment in which he said “yes” where usually he would have said “no.” He wrote a book about his experiences, it became a movie with Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel, and more and more people have adopted this philosophy in an attempt to inject more opportunity and adventure into their lives.

But, as Lauren pointed out, “I am generally at my most stressed/miserable when I’ve said yes to too much. Saying no is fantastic.” I couldn’t agree more. “No” is one of the most valuable words in the English language. It’s not always easy to say, but I find it helpful to remember that when we say “no” to something, we’re also saying “yes” to something else—usually something more happy-making.

3. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

While I stand by my hypothesis that the ultimate, number one life hack for maximum good times, happy relationships, and positive life experiences is “Don’t be a d***,” sometimes we need to say things that are not nice. In fact, sometimes that’s the kindest thing to do. Buying into this advice is a shortcut for people-pleasing, so let’s be thoughtful with our words but willing to have the hard conversation when it’s necessary

(N.B. As This American Life suggested in their fascinating episode about online interactions, a retelling of this phrase for the internet age is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, SAY IT IN ALL CAPS.” Let’s not do this either…)

4. “Just do what you love.”

As Liz pointed out, “If I followed this advice, I’d watch Netflix ALL day and eat pizza.” Exactly. A common variation I hear on this is “Just do what you love, and the money will follow…” This philosophy leaves out two key elements that are more important for earning money than love: skill level and whether it’s something people want enough to pay for.

Here’s something I’ve lost sight of before, and (ironically) felt much happier when I remembered: your passion and how you earn money don’t have to be the same thing. Rather than advice to “follow your passion/do what you love/follow your bliss” etc. etc., I prefer Elizabeth Gilbert’s not-quite-as-glam-but-far-more-practical suggestion to “Follow your curiosity” and see where that leads you.

5. Everything happens for a reason

A couple of people voted for this phrase. Friends, I am right with you; this is one of my least favourite pieces of common life advice.

I believe most of the time “everything happens for a reason” comes from a well-meaning place, but I also think it’s borne out of wanting to stifle our own discomfort around witnessing someone else’s pain. It’s a classic example of spiritual bypassing. Personally, I dislike the Law-of-Attraction-esque implication that there is some kind of benevolent universal force looking out for us and pulling strings behind the scenes to make everything OK again. I think this belief system is more disempowering than helpful in the long term (I’ll explain this more another time to avoid going off on a tangent/rant here).

My biggest issue with this statement, however, is that it glosses over what the person is feeling in the here and now. It’s about skipping the uncomfortable part and getting to the happy-ever-after and silver linings ASAP. The problem with this is that when we try to bypass our uncomfortable feelings, we also set ourselves up to bypass our good feelings too. As Brené Brown says, we can’t pick and choose which feelings we numb; we either have to accept them all, or we risk numbing them all.

Life isn’t fair or unfair, it just is. We are a tiny part of an enormous universe. Things happen, the circle of life continues, and we try to make meaning of it the best way we can. We might find the silver lining in the most catastrophic situation eventually, but we benefit most when we do so in our time.

6. It’s the thought that counts // The end justifies the means

Our thoughts don’t make us who we are, our actions do. In many situations in life, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action. If Derek owes Philomela $5,000 and whenever she brings it up says “Oh yeah, I keep meaning to pay you back,” that’s not the same as Derek repaying her the money. Meaning to do something isn’t the same—and doesn’t count for nearly as much—as actually doing it.

On the same note, the end doesn’t justify the means. Let’s say Suzanne wants a promotion at work. She believes she would be the best person for the job and has big plans to effect positive change. To further her cause, she spreads nasty rumours about her biggest competitor, who ends up losing out on the promotion as a result. She might have been the best candidate, but that doesn’t make her dishonesty OK.

At the crux of why both these sayings are wrong is this: what we do matters. Our intentions, thoughts, and good wishes count for something, but our choices matter far more. It’s our choices that make us who we are.

7. “Failure is not an option”

This one comes from Tara, who said, “Of course it is! Failure’s always an option and yet… you’ll be fine. You can fail and STILL be ok, but if you only do things you DEFINITELY won’t fail at… you won’t do much. Now, I like the attitude: failure not the ONLY option. Or Failures may happen, but let’s keep trying. Not as pithy :)”

8. “You shouldn’t care what people think”

I’m glad Johanna brought this one up because it falls under the umbrella of what Amy E. Smith described as “self-help gone bad” on the Becoming Who You Are podcast. If you struggle with people-pleasing and become conscious of the many ways in which you’re living someone else’s life rather than your own, a common reaction is to do a complete 180 and strive to stop caring what people think altogether.

The problem with this approach is caring what other people think is human nature. We’ve evolved to live in communities and tribes, and part of doing so is being attuned to what the other members of our tribe think of us. So much so that not caring what people think is also known as “psychopathy.”

In reality, we want to care about what the right people think. This includes the people who are closest and most important to us and sometimes (but not always) people who have expertise and experience in what we’re trying to do.

9. “You just need to snap out of it”

A member of the Becoming Who You Are Facebook group suggested this particularly regarding people experiencing depression and mental health issues. I will file this under “bad responses to a challenging situation” along with “everything happens for a reason.”

If it were as simple as needing to “snap out of it,” wouldn’t we all have done that by now? No one likes feeling depressed. For some people, it becomes a familiar place to be, and that familiarity can end up being a sticking point, but I know no one who would turn around and say “I’m so glad I’m depressed.”

Again, I think this response comes from our own discomfort in witnessing other people’s struggles—especially the long-term ones. Even though I know it’s not helpful and I know better, I can think of two people close to me about whom I’ve had this thought in the last year. For me, “just snap out of it” comes from a place of reactive resonance. It’s a problem-solving mode. From the outside, the answer to their issues is simple. Just start thinking about this differently! Just get off your butt and do something, anything! Just snap out of it! But while there is a time and place for this kind of approach, we risk further harming and alienating the person by not being respectful or accepting of their feelings, especially when they are dealing with forces beyond their control or their conscious awareness.

The kinder, more compassionate alternative is to reflect what we hear and see: “It sounds like this is really hard for you right now,” “I hear you’re unhappy in this relationship,” “You’re feeling stuck and unsure how to change things.” If the urge to rescue is strong, you can even say “I have a strong urge to jump in and try to fix this for you, but I understand that might not be what you want.” Often, airing the desire to rescue can help it dissipate.

What common life advice do you think it’s best to ignore? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

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