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September 19, 2013

Self-love and Acceptance with Lori Deschene from TinyBuddha.com (Part 2)

This is part 2 of an interview with Lori Deschene from TinyBuddha.com to celebrate the release of her new book Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life. I’m so delighted to have one of my previous guest posts for Tiny Buddha included in the book and even more excited to share Lori’s words of wisdom with you (click here to read part 1).

Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is available for pre-order now. Purchase the book before October 8th and receive a free self-love bonus pack containing $150 worth of digital products (including my new book From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-care Into a Way of Life).

H: I found the way you described your personal experiences in the book incredibly moving and inspiring. What would you say has been your biggest challenge in your personal development and how have you learned to accept and process that challenge?

L: Thank you so much. My biggest challenge has been shame. After more than a decade of bulimia, and countless self-disrespecting choices, I felt terrified of judgment and rejection—but mostly I was afraid that I deserved those things.

I’ve worked through this, and continue to work through it, by breaking down the walls of secrecy. In sharing the things I’ve felt tempted to hide, I’m able to let go of the belief that these things make me unworthy of love.

It also helps to connect with others who’ve experienced similar things. I am always compassionate toward other people when they’re hurting, and this helps me remember that I deserve that same understanding and compassion.

H: I know from experience that being transparent about my journey and lessons learned so far can leave me feeling vulnerable. How do you experience vulnerability and what helps you sit with this feeling?

L: I experience vulnerability in two diametrically opposed ways, depending on the day and the specific circumstances surrounding it.

Sometimes I feel a cathartic release, a sense of freedom, and a deep sense of pride in my willingness to be fully seen. Other times I feel terrified, panicked, and convinced I’d feel safer if I resisted the urge to be so honest.

What helps me when I feel the latter is to remember that soon enough I will feel the former. The cost of feeling the highs is occasionally feeling the lows—and on the whole, it’s worth it.

H: Kristin Neff, the author of “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind”, suggests that self-acceptance, which is something mentioned a lot in “Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself”, is more conducive to happiness than self-esteem. What do you think about this?

L: I think it’s fascinating, and it makes a lot of sense. Self-esteem is an evaluation of worth, where self-acceptance doesn’t require any self-judgment, whether positive or negative. It’s embracing ourselves for both the light and the dark, which I believe is the foundation of self-love.

H: A common misperception about self-acceptance and self-forgiveness is that when we practice these traits, we give ourselves permission to get away with anything. What is your experience with this?

L: I have to wonder, what’s the alternative? After you do something, can you not let yourself “get away with it”? Once it’s done, it’s done.

I think it really comes down to finding a middle ground so you neither beat yourself up nor shrug it off. What’s important is to learn from the experience so that you can empower yourself to do something positive with the lesson.

You can’t do that if you’re devoting all your energy to self-flagellation.

H: One of the points you made in the book that resonated most for me was the idea that it’s a positive sign if some people don’t like you. Can you explain this powerful message?

L: Sure! This one was huge for me. For most of my life I “shape-shifted” around different people to seem like someone I thought they’d like. But ironically, I didn’t like myself when I did this. It’s hard to respect yourself when you realize you value what other people think of you more than you value your true self.

Eventually I realized that if I stopped adapting to please the people around me, I would inevitably please fewer people. But that would mean I was no longer putting their opinions above my need to be authentic. And learning to be comfortable in my own skin would be far more valuable than losing myself over and over again in the fruitless pursuit of mass acceptance.

If you look at gaining approval in this way—assuming you’re not being rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless—it can then be a positive sign if some people don’t like you.

H: What are your favourite self-care activities, and how do you make sure you have time for them?

L: Hot baths. This is a big one for me—and one I find time for on most days—because it allows me to relax, unwind, and connect with myself.

Deep breathing. This one’s easy to find time for because I can do it while driving, while doing dishes—while doing anything, really. So long as I am not engaged in conversation, I can take time to focus on my breath and clear my head.

Journaling. I often do this first thing in the morning before I get into my day, or last thing at night, when there’s nothing left to do. Particularly as someone who has written a lot for public consumption, I find it helpful and healing to have a writing practice that is all my own—unedited, unstructured, and solely for the purpose of working through my own feelings.

Thanks so much to Lori for sharing her insights this week! Don’t forget to pre-order your copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life before October 8th to make sure you get your free self-love bonus pack.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

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Published on September 19, 2013 01:00

September 18, 2013

Self-love and Acceptance with Lori Deschene from TinyBuddha.com (Part 1)

This post is an interview with Lori Deschene from TinyBuddha.com to celebrate the release of her new book Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life. I’m so delighted to have one of my previous guest posts for Tiny Buddha included in the book and even more excited to share Lori’s words of wisdom with you over the next two days in parts one and two of her interview.

H: Hi Lori, thanks for joining me on the blog today. Would you be willing to start by introducing yourself and Tiny Buddha for any readers who aren’t familiar with your site?

L: Thank you for having me! A little in the way of an introduction, first about me; then, about the site…

My name is Lori Deschene and I am a writer, dreamer, traveler, adventurer, daughter, sister, and girlfriend, to name just a few descriptive words.

For most of my younger life, I defined myself as someone who struggled with depression, insecurity, and an eating disorder. After that, I then spent years hiding myself in shame, feeling terrified of being seen for all my flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses.

While I’ve always been self-reflective—a consequence of starting therapy at age 12—it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I really embraced personal development and understood the power of growing through my challenges.

This is part of what of motivated me to start Tiny Buddha in 2009 as a multi-author blog, where anyone can share what they’ve been through and what they’ve learned.

Over the past four years, it’s grown into a vibrant community with more than 650 contributors and over 1.5 million monthly readers. It’s a place where people are brave in sharing their experiences and feelings to help themselves and others.

I think it’s also a space where we can feel less alone with our struggles, and more empowered to heal and grow through them.

H: Tiny Buddha is a treasure trove of personal development topics. How did you choose “Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself” in particular as the subject of this book?

L: I was originally planning to write a different book about what it means to “win” in life. Shortly after I signed my contract, I went through a series of life challenges—a major surgery, a robbery, financial struggles, and the death of my grandmother.

It was an emotionally draining time for me, and one of the most difficult I’d experienced in years.

After telling my publisher I wasn’t going to be able to write the book, I started being a little hard on myself, especially since I’d already announced the project on the Tiny Buddha blog.

As time went on, I began to reevaluate what it means to take good care of myself, and I thought about a goal I’d had to write a series of “Tiny Buddha’s Guide to” books, sharing stories and insights from community members.

Since I had just gone through a time when I really needed my own love and compassion—and since I’d spent my younger life mired in self-loathing—I realized I wanted to start with a book focused on self-love.

I think it’s something we all struggle with at times, and yet it’s so important for our happiness. Everything we do in life is a reflection of how much we love ourselves.

H: At the end of each section, you offer your top four tips about each topic. What are your top four tips for loving yourself

L: -Identify, appreciate, and harness the strengths in your “flaws.”

For a long time I thought my emotional oversensitivity was a massive flaw—but I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do if I didn’t feel and experience the world in the way I do.

I still work on how I respond to my emotions, but I’ve challenged the perception that there is something “wrong” with me for being the way I am. The only wrong thing is thinking I am fundamentally inadequate, because it’s simply not true.

-Know that your mistakes only define you if you let them.

Formerly, I believed that I was the culmination of my worst mistakes, which meant that I had no choice but to feel ashamed of myself. Now, I see my mistakes not as the building blocks of who I am, but as stepping-stones to who I can be. They are my tools for growth and learning, and therefore incredibly valuable.

-Realize you are beautiful not in spite of where you’ve been, but because of it.

I used to think I had to hide the truth of my past, but I now recycle my former struggles and pain into something useful for others. My past isn’t something I need to hide; it’s something I need to share to make a positive difference in the world.

-Recognize and honor your values, needs, and priorities.

This is really the biggest one for me. When I honor my values, needs, and priorities I am able to be true to myself and to act with integrity—and this is the foundation of my self-love, self-esteem, and self-respect.

H: In one chapter, you say “Perhaps the biggest challenge isn’t learning how to repair ourselves, but rather learning to accept that we all deal with uncomfortable situations and emotions in life.” What has helped you with shifting from a repair mindset to an acceptance mindset?

L: I was in my mid-twenties when I hit a big turning point in terms of my perception of myself. Up until that point, I’d spent most of my life building a long list of reasons to feel ashamed of myself.

Since I saw myself as pathetic, worthless, and unlovable, I eventually isolated myself in a tiny dorm-style apartment miles away from my friends and family—ironically, in NYC, one of the most crowded cities in the world.

One night when I was feeling particularly hopeless and disgusted with myself, I found a quote that challenged everything I formerly believed: Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Suddenly I considered that I didn’t have to view myself as a weak person who’d experienced a set of difficult circumstances and then made a seemingly endless string of poor choices. I could be the strong person who finally decided to learn and grow through all of it.

From this understanding, I then considered that maybe I didn’t need to change anything about myself; I only needed to change how I saw myself and what I did in response.

**********

Come back tomorrow for the second part of Lori’s interview, when we’ll talk about vulnerability, self-care, and the most common misconception about self-forgiveness.

Don’t forget to pre-order your copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life before October 8th to make sure you get your free self-love bonus pack.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

The post Self-love and Acceptance with Lori Deschene from TinyBuddha.com (Part 1) appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

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Published on September 18, 2013 03:00

September 12, 2013

Episode 42: A Self-Help Roundtable with Jake Desyllas and Stephanie Murphy

This episode is an impromptu (and slightly jet-lagged!) conversation between myself, Stephanie Murphy and Jake Desyllas on self-help. We recorded this conversation while at the Libertopia conference in San Diego over Labor Day weekend. As we were having so much fun hanging out and we each have our own podcasts, we decided to create a podcast mash-up!

Topics we cover include:

Why self-help has such a tacky reputation in western culture
Why the quick-fix approach is so popular
What real “self-help” is all about
Which red flags to look out for when it comes to personal development “gurus”
The first, and most important, step to take when it comes to making changes

Say Hello

Jake:

Twitter: @thevoluntary

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thevoluntarylife

Website: www.thevoluntarylife.com

Email: jake@thevoluntarylife.com

Stephanie:

Twitter: @porctherapy

Facebook: www.facebook.com/pages/Porc-Therapy/183493021795

Website: www.porctherapy.com

Email: questions@porctherapy.com

Hannah:

Twitter @becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

Website: www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Email: hannah@becomingwhoyouare.net

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

Credits

Intro and outro: Stephanie Murphy

Photo: !ogan-paig3(: via Compfight cc

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Published on September 12, 2013 03:00

Episode 42: A Self-Help Roundtable

Topics we cover include:

Say Hello

Jake:

Twitter: @thevoluntary

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thevoluntarylife

Website: www.thevoluntarylife.com

Email: jake@thevoluntarylife.com

Stephanie:

Twitter: @porctherapy

Facebook: www.facebook.com/pages/Porc-Therapy/183493021795

Website: www.porctherapy.com

Email: questions@porctherapy.com

Hannah:

Twitter @becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

Website: www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Email: hannah@becomingwhoyouare.net

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

Credits

Intro and outro: Stephanie Murphy

Photo: !ogan-paig3(: via Compfight cc

The post Episode 42: A Self-Help Roundtable appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

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Published on September 12, 2013 03:00

September 10, 2013

Episode 41: “How Will You Measure Your Life?” by Clayton Christensen (Psychology Book Club Conversation)

This week’s podcast episode is a discussion among members of the Psychology Book Club about How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton Christensen. Find out what we enjoyed about the book, which of Christensen’s strategies were most useful, and what didn’t resonate for us.

Here is a summary of the book (from Amazon.com):

“In 2010 world-renowned innovation expert Clayton M. Christensen gave a powerful speech to the Harvard Business School’s graduating class. Drawing upon his business research, he offered a series of guidelines for finding meaning and happiness in life. He used examples from his own experiences to explain how high achievers can all too often fall into traps that lead to unhappiness.

The speech was memorable not only because it was deeply revealing but also because it came at a time of intense personal reflection: Christensen had just overcome the same type of cancer that had taken his father’s life. As Christensen struggled with the disease, the question “How do you measure your life?” became more urgent and poignant, and he began to share his insights more widely with family, friends, and students.

In this groundbreaking book, Christensen puts forth a series of questions: How can I be sure that I’ll find satisfaction in my career? How can I be sure that my personalrelationships become enduring sources of happiness? How can I avoid compromising my integrity—and stay out of jail? Using lessons from some of the world’s greatest businesses, he provides incredible insights into these challenging questions.

How Will You Measure Your Life? is full of inspiration and wisdom, and will help students, midcareer professionals, and parents alike forge their own paths to fulfillment.”

The next book club will be meeting in October, when we’ll be talking about Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine.

Useful Links

How Will You Measure Your Life? – Clayton Christensen

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us – Daniel H. Pink

On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy – Carl Rogers (listen to the Psychology Book Club discussion)

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Subscribe on iTunes

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

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Published on September 10, 2013 03:00

September 9, 2013

How to Overcome Shame Around Self-care

This post is adapted from Chapter 2 of “From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-care into a Way of Life“, which is available now for Kindle and as a PDF.

Self-care relates to shame in two ways:

We feel guilty for engaging in self-care—usually because of an underlying belief that we don’t deserve it
We feel guilty for not engaging in self-care because we know that it’s a good for us and we feel we should be doing it

The most effective way to overcome shame around self-care is to stop using shame as a teacher in all areas of our life. If we’re susceptible to shame-based language and let it slip into one area of our life, it will spread to other areas in time.

Examine the beliefs: Shame arises out of beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. When we get to the root of the beliefs behind our shame, we can start to question them using our logic and reason. Once we start questioning them, we might realize that we don’t actually agree with them and, from there, we can deconstruct them.

An important part of examining beliefs is taking time to do some archaeology and work out where certain beliefs come from. When we start to question why we have certain beliefs about the world (especially when they’ve been unconscious), we often find that our beliefs are internalized messages from childhood figures like parents, teachers, friends, and other important people. Once we recognize that, we’re better able to separate out internalized beliefs that actually belong to other people from our own true beliefs and values.

Change the language: Notice when you’re using judgmental and shaming language about other people, or when you have particularly strong feelings about other people’s behavior when it doesn’t really affect you. Also notice the difference between your own feelings of guilt and shame. Make it a conscious process to turn the latter into the former: instead of labeling yourself or someone else (“I am bad,” “They are bad”), focus on the actions (“I did a bad thing,” “They did a bad thing”).

Empathize, empathize, empathize: Once we start changing our language and shifting from judgment and shaming to a more objective, self-aware and compassionate view of ourselves and others, we’re in a better position to empathize with our own feelings of shame, either in the past or in the present. Empathy is the antidote to shame: when we show ourselves empathy or open ourselves up to empathy from other people, we are saying “I am understandable, I am relatable, I am acceptable.” When we start to internalize these three beliefs, shame cannot survive.

Are you ready to make the switch from coping to caring? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

Photo Credit: KnockOut_Photographs via Compfight cc

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Published on September 09, 2013 00:00

September 2, 2013

How to Switch from Coping to Caring

This post is adapted from Chapter 2 of “From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-care into a Way of Life“, which is available now for Kindle and as a PDF.

Here is a series of questions you can ask yourself to evaluate whether an activity counts as self-care or coping strategy:

1. What need am I trying to meet with this activity?

2. Does it involve some kind of potentially addictive substance?

3. Will I regret it afterwards?

4. What is the true intention behind this activity? (Am I looking to escape what’s currently happening in my life, or am I looking to process it? Do I want to engage with this particular activity to numb my emotions and get rid of my discomfort, or do I want to take care of the need underneath?)

5. What will the effects of this activity be if I continue engaging in it over the long-term? Will they be helpful or harmful?

6. What does my gut tell me about this activity? Is there a part of me that is saying this is not what I need right now?

How to switch from coping to caring

The most effective way I’ve found to switch from coping strategies to self-care is to replace one with the other, rather than to simply give up or quit coping strategies. As you’ll see in parts three, four, and five, I’ve organized the self-care suggestions in this book according to which needs they meet. The most effective way to be the best version of yourself is to identify which coping mechanisms you’re using, identify which needs we’re trying to meet through using these mechanisms, and replace the coping mechanisms with genuine self-care activities that will truly meet that need, not just slap a Band-Aid on it.

Here is a brief step-by-step overview of how the transition works:

1. Identify the coping mechanisms you are currently using (the purpose of this isn’t to judge, simply to notice what’s happening in your life right now).

2. Identify the needs underneath. You might find the Needs Inventory on the Nonviolent Communication Website helpful for this.

3. Match the needs to a self-care activity that is likely to meet them.

4. Rinse and repeat.

It sounds simple (and it is), but this is where self-knowledge is crucial and gaining that self-knowledge takes time. To switch from coping to caring, you need to be willing to look at reality as it is right now, how you’re spending your time, what you’re needing, and how you can meet those needs. Coping can be a comfortable and familiar place to be in the short-term, so you also need to be willing to be uncomfortable for a while. It won’t be easy; you might be thinking that this is going somewhere you hadn’t bargained for. As someone who has been there, I can put my hand on my heart and tell you that the rewards of doing the work, examining the hard stuff and making that switch are more than worth it.

Are you ready to make the switch from coping to caring? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

Photo Credit: babbagecabbage via Compfight cc

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Published on September 02, 2013 00:00

August 26, 2013

How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case Study

Last week, I described self-care’s shady sister: coping strategies.

We all have them (even though we might not like to admit it)

Most of us have a love/hate relationship with them. On the one hand, we know deep down that they’re getting in the way of our authenticity and preventing us from living as the best version of ourselves. In the long term, we know that they’re not good for us. On the other hand, they hit that sweet spot in the short-term and provide some sort of temporary relief, so we’re reluctant to give them up.

Today, I’m going to describe how I’m dealing with one of my major coping strategies. This is a work in progress, but I think it illustrates one of the reasons coping strategies can be so tricky to tackle, and it shows how you don’t necessarily have to get rid of the coping strategy behaviour altogether—especially when you’re getting fringe benefits from that behaviour.

The major coping strategy of mine that I want to talk about is:

Facebook.

Yes, really.

It might sound like a joke (and I admit this totally files under “First World Problems”), but it has been a real issue for me.

What does this coping strategy look like?

When I feel bored, negative, anxious, or stressed, I use Facebook to avoid whatever I’m doing that’s provoking those feelings. Sometimes this process is so unconscious that I’m not totally aware of what I’m doing until I’ve navigated to the website and gotten sucked into the whirling vortex of internet trivia.

Important tangent

When I write “bored, negative, anxious, or stressed”, these are my typical emotional responses to doing something that pushes me outside my comfort zone. This might cover activities spanning going for a long run (my Facebook friends might notice a cascade of likes and comments suddenly showing up on Saturday mornings), to, er, pretty much anything to do with marketing this site.

In my experience, there’s a huge difference between ”bored, negative, anxious, or stressed” because we’re doing something that isn’t serving our needs and ”bored, negative, anxious, or stressed” because we’re doing something that takes us out of the soft warmth of “this is familiar and I know I can do this”.

In the first instance, we need to evaluate the activity that’s provoking the feelings. In the second, we need to evaluate how we respond to those feelings the activity provokes (otherwise we’re not going to grow as people). Here, we’re dealing with the latter.

Back to Facebook

So there’s a strong correlation between me getting pushed out of my comfort zone and the amount of time I spend on Facebook.

This causes two main problems:

1) When I use Facebook to avoid something that I know is good for me to do in the long-term, I get more bored/negative/anxious/stressed because the thing I was doing in the first place takes longer.

2) I know that I’m not spending my time in the best way aimlessly scrolling through news feed updates I’ve already seen. From a 20,000 feet view, I want to feel satisfied with how I’m spending my limited time on this planet; I don’t think I’m going to get to the end of my life and think “Damn, I should have spent more time on Facebook”.

Why not just give it up?

This is where some coping strategy behaviours get tricky. I know that my compulsive Facebooking is a coping strategy because I’m using Facebook to meet my need for comfort in the short-term at the expense of other crucial long-term needs (like meaning, money, and relaxation).

But (and this is a big but) Facebook is also useful to me. In moderation, it does help me meet some of my crucial needs.

I use it to connect to people like you, who read Becoming Who You Are and listen to the podcast. A few of my friends also live outside the UK, so Facebook helps me stay in touch with them. I would feel really sad if I couldn’t stay in touch with those friends and hear about what’s happening for them on a day-to-day basis. Equally, I would feel a lot more disconnected from you without having that opportunity to connect.

How I found a balance

Before I get into the solution that I developed for this particular coping strategy, I want to caveat the following with a reminder that different solutions work for different people. I found the solution I’m about to describe useful but you might have different needs that require a different approach.

The solution to my compulsive Facebooking came in the form of the Pomodoro Technique. I first heard about this many moons ago but always thought it wasn’t something that was relevant to me (probably because it totally was relevant but I knew that I’d have to let go of my compulsive distraction habit if I decided to implement it…).

My partner recently started using it and immediately became a Pomodoro Technique cheerleader. His enthusiasm won me round. After the first morning, I was hooked.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Pomodoro Technique, the idea is that you work for 25 minutes (concentrated, single-task work on one project or task) then take a five minute break. Once you’ve done four “Pomodoros”, you take a longer break of 20-30 minutes. The exact details of how long you break, etc. vary depending on who you’re talking to, but that’s the gist.

Why the PT helped

Using this 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off technique has helped in a number of ways:

1) Uncomfortable stuff is less uncomfortable because I know that I get a break in less than 25 minutes and that I can stop after that if I really want (see no. 4).

2) I don’t have to give up Facebook entirely: I can use those five minutes to surf to my heart’s content if I want to.

3) Because I have boundaries around my time, I’m a lot more conscious about how I’m spending my time. Consequently, I now use Facebook less but get more enjoyment out of it because I’m using it in a way that’s meeting my needs (i.e. to connect with people).

4) If I’m doing something that feels really scary and uncomfortable, I give myself permission to stop after one Pomodoro, rather than forcing myself to push on and then spending most of the afternoon on Facebook instead. 25 minutes each day is better than agonising over it and then doing nothing. It also stops the shame spiral I described above where I feel frustrated with myself for avoiding tasks I know will be beneficial to me in the long-term.

I’ve been using the Pomodoro Technique for a few weeks now and so far it’s going really well. Actually using the method and sticking to the 25-5 minute segments can be tricky, but so far it’s helped me feel more productive and get more relaxation time too.

Ultimately, it’s helped me alter how I’m using Facebook. Instead of using it as a coping strategy at the expense o other needs, I’m using it as a tool that helps me meet my need for connection and relaxation, alongside meeting my other needs too. Win win!

Are you ready to make the switch from coping to caring? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October. The price goes up this Sunday 1st September so join us on the live course today and save nearly 20%.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

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The post How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case Study appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

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Published on August 26, 2013 00:00

August 23, 2013

Episode 40: Becoming a Free Range Human with Marianne Cantwell

This episode is a conversation with Marianne Cantwell, bestselling author of Be a Free Range Human: Escape the 9-5, Create a Life You Love, and Still Pay the Bills. Marianne is also the founder of the Free Range Humans blog, where she writes about creating a free range career that suits your lifestyle every day, rather than just hanging out for your 2 week holiday.

Topics we cover include:

What being a Free Range Human is all about
What to do if you know that you want to liberate yourself from your current job and lifestyle but aren’t sure where your passions lie or what you want to do afterwards
How to foster a healthy work/life balance when you’re starting out with your own Free Range projects or business
How to sit with and process the uncertainty involved in creating the life you want, and how the fear that comes with uncertainty can actually help you
Why you need to set boundaries during a transition phase and how to do this with people who might not understand or support you.

Marianne offers so many fantastic nuggets of wisdom in this episode, I know it’s one that I’m going to return to again and again in the future!

Useful Links

Be a Free Range Human: Escape the 9-5, Create a Life You Love, and Still Pay the Bills - Marianne Cantwell

Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance – Jonathan Fields

Say Hello

Marianne:

Twitter: @FreeRangeHumans

Facebook: www.facebook.com/freerangehumans

Website: www.free-range-humans.com

Hannah:

Twitter @becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

Website: www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Email: hannah@becomingwhoyouare.net

Subscribe to the podcast

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Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

The post Episode 40: Becoming a Free Range Human with Marianne Cantwell appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

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Published on August 23, 2013 00:00

August 20, 2013

Self-care’s Shady Sister, and Why You Need to Get to Know Her

This post is adapted from Chapter 2 of “From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-care into a Way of Life“, which is available now for Kindle and as a PDF. Download the Kindle version before 21st August 2013 and save 40%.

The number one self-care mistake that many people (myself included) make is confusing self-care and coping strategies (or, as writer and coach Jennifer Louden calls them, shadow comforts).

Here, we’re going to talk about the difference between these two types of activities. This can be a tricky topic because we all have coping strategies that deep down we know are coping strategies (even if we don’t call them by the same name), and we’d rather not give them up. As we’re about to explore, coping strategies seem very similar to self-care on the surface—after all, the point of coping strategies is that they help us cope. They might appear to be sisters, but underneath they are very, very different.

Let’s start at the beginning.

As we grow, gain life experiences, and start to learn where our hot buttons are (where we need the most care and compassion, what situations are stressful to us, and which needs are most important), we develop a series of responses that fall into one of two categories:

Coping strategies
Self-Care

The difference between them is simple: coping strategies are behaviors we employ that relieve a sense of pain or discomfort in the short-term but don’t serve our well-being in the long-term. These might include behaviors like smoking, drinking, drugs, eating for comfort, and so on. These coping strategies have a similar benefit to the “short-term self-care” practices we’re going to talk about in the next chapter (except they also have many more drawbacks). They are the equivalent of slapping a Band-Aid on a wound that really needs stitches; they might provide some short-term relief, but in the long run they potentially do more harm than good.

By self-care, I mean behaviors that serve our emotional and physical well-being over the short-term and the long-term. These include practices like journaling, eating nourishing, healthy food, learning to sit with our emotions rather than react to them, and so on.

So if we can engage in short-term self-care practices, why do we develop coping strategies in the first place?

How do coping strategies develop?

There are many potential answers to this question, and I’m going to discuss two in brief here.

First, our self-care practices might not give us the same immediate short-term release from a sense of pain or discomfort that some coping strategies will. Many coping strategies involve activities that produce chemical changes in our bodies, such as a rush of adrenaline, or the addition of external stimulants or depressants like nicotine, sugar, or alcohol.

Furthermore, we are more likely to turn to coping strategies to deal with challenging or uncomfortable feelings or situations if that was how we saw other people responding to these kinds of feelings or situations as children. When we grow up with parents or caregivers who rely on substances or compulsive behaviors to deal with their feelings, we’re far more likely to employ coping mechanisms ourselves as adults. This is because that particular method of coping with stressful or difficult events is the one that’s been modeled for us (over, for example, sitting down to talk about how we’re feeling). Although we might know on a logical level that doing these things isn’t good for us in the long-term, we don’t have a template for what it looks like to deal with feelings in a healthy and productive way.

When you look at their origins and their purpose, you can see that self-care and coping strategies are two very different entities.

What does the difference between self-care and coping strategies look like?

Let’s imagine we’re faced with a common stressful situation. We might be working to several deadlines and running late on all of them, we might be facing financial or job insecurity, or we might be having trouble with one or more personal relationships.

In these kinds of situations, dealing with our stress using coping strategies might include:

Dissociating through watching TV (even programs or channels we don’t enjoy)
Drinking excessively or relying on a drink to “take the edge off” each day
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine to “keep going”
Using recreational drugs
Smoking
Spending money (or living extremely frugally) to feel “better”
Comfort eating or limiting our food intake
Being “busy” and taking on too many commitments
Repeatedly getting into and spending time on unhealthy relationships
Avoiding social situations
Self-punishment or self-harm
Acting out on other people (yelling, intimidation, verbal or physical abuse)

Examples of self-care might include:

Reaching out to talk to someone about how we’re feeling and talking to a professional, if appropriate
Putting boundaries around our time
Setting aside time to exercise
Using meditation and other relaxation techniques
Spending time with close friends and family
Engaging in a creative activity, like writing or art
Finding a constructive outlet for intense or overwhelming emotions, such as writing in a journal or taking the space and time to cry
Ensuring that whatever is happening, we’re giving ourselves time to get enough sleep
Reducing our caffeine and alcohol intake
Keeping our diets clean and healthy

“Self-care”-type reactions focus on meeting the unmet needs we might have in the above situations. When we rely on coping strategies to get through the day, we are not truly meeting our underlying needs and this will show in our daily lives.

Are you ready to make the switch from coping to caring? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

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The post Self-care’s Shady Sister, and Why You Need to Get to Know Her appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.