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3 Self-Kindness Practices that Take 5 Minutes (or Less)

One of the most common objections I hear about self-care is “But I have X kids/a demanding job/other people to take care of/Z health problems/all of the above.”

In other words, “I don’t have time.”

In this post, I’m going to show you that “I don’t have time” is not a reason, it’s an excuse. Sorry if that stings, but kindness involves being upfront (this applies to ourselves too—honesty isn’t on the list below but consider it a bonus fourth act of self-kindness).

I know that when people bust similar excuses of mine, I’m tempted to retreat to a place of “That’s easy for you to say…”

I don’t want you to do this here, because self-care is really, really important. Especially if you have kids. Especially if you have a demanding job. Especially if you have other people to take care of. Especially if you have health problems. You’re in a much better position to deal with all of those things when you make time for yourself.

With that said, here’s a list of three self-kindness practices that take five minutes or less:

Gratitude/Good Things Jar

This is a simple practice you can start at any time. Take a jar (or other suitable receptacle), then do the following:

Every time you feel gratitude or every time something good happens in your life, write it down on a small slip of paper and put it in the jar.

Why?

Making time to acknowledge the things that are going well and the things we feel grateful for is a useful antidote for the fact that we tend to dwell on all the things that are stressing us out. The things you include could range from huge things like telling someone you love them for the first time to small (but significant) things like the way the light hit the trees when you got up this morning.

Once you have a few entries in your jar, revisiting these entries can itself become part of your self-care routine. Instant high in 3…2…1…

Meditation

Meditations come in all shapes and sizes. As we’re talking about self-kindness practices that take five minutes or less, let’s stick with a simple breathing exercise for the purpose of this post.

All you need to do is to set some sort of timer for five minutes (or less). Setting a timer is helpful because it means you can get on with meditating without worrying about how much time you’ve been sitting there, peeking at the clock, and breaking your stillness.

Then, simply close your eyes and bring your awareness to your breath. And, voila, that’s it!

Your attention will wander and you’ll notice all kinds of stories coming and going through your head. That’s totally fine (and natural). If you notice yourself getting caught up in one or more of these stories, simply bring your awareness back to your breath.

Why?

Meditation has more health and wellbeing benefits than you can shake a stick at. As well as helping you feel more connected to yourself and grounded in the short-term, over the long-term it improves a variety of functions like concentration, resilience, self-awareness, and more. Leo Babauta suggests some great tips for setting up a daily meditation practice, including starting with just 2 minutes.

Intention

An intention is similar to a goal, except it focuses on how we want to experience something rather than what we want to achieve. It’s a combination of a desire and a plan, so identifying how you want to feel is one part, and figuring out what you can do to create those feelings is another.

For a dose of self-kindness in five minutes or less, set an intention for how you want to feel during the day ahead (if you’re doing this in the morning) or the next day (if you’re doing it in the evening) then identify three things you’re going to do that will encourage these feelings.

Try to be as specific about these actions as possible: when are you going to do them? How long will you do them for? Who will you do them with?

Why?

Conventionally, we believe that feeling preceeds action and that we’ll do certain things when we feel a certain way (the “I need to feel motivated in order to do XYZ” myth is a classic example of this). The truth is that we create feelings by taking action. That means if you want to feel a certain way and you’re not, it’s totally within your power to experience that feeling—if you create the right conditions.

If you want to feel a certain way and you're not, it's totally within your power to create it.

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If you want to be able to find ways to fit self-care around your busy schedule, I invite you to take part in From Coping to Thriving. During this six-week course, you’ll learn how to turn your coping strategies into self-caring behaviours, leaving behind struggle and learning to thrive.

Click here to learn more.

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              Related StoriesAre You Falling for These Self-kindness Myths?How to Be Kind to Yourself in the Face of RejectionFree Webinar: How to Be Kind to Yourself 

Are You Falling for These Self-kindness Myths?

Kindness.

What does it really mean?

1. having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature


2. affectionate; loving

(google.com)

That’s the version of kindness we show others, yet it’s rarely the way we treat ourselves. We live in a world full of contradictory messages, not least around how we’re expected to behave towards other people versus how we’re conditioned to behave towards ourselves.

As we move through the world, we encounter many mixed messages and self-kindness myths. Most of these myths are socially acceptable and can be hard to refute. That’s why I want to unpack and explore three of these myths today.

At its core, self-kindness is beneficial to our world and everyone in it, yet very few people talk about self-kindness openly. It seems to be viewed as something that’s nice—if you have the luxury—if not a little hippy-ish and quirky to talk about openly. That’s the kind of environment where these myths flourish, so let’s bust them open, right here, right now.

1. Self-kindness is self-indulgence

Self-kindness and self-indulgence* are very different guests at the party. In brief, one leads to growth and the other leads to stagnation. The reason we often confuse self-kindness and self-indulgence is that they can look the same on any given day. What counts as self-indulgence in one situation might actually be self-kindness in the other.

As Lynda Monk put it in the guest interview I’m sharing with participants of From Coping to Thriving, sometimes sitting down with a bowl of ice-cream might count as self-care; we just don’t want to pitch our tent there and have that become our go-to response to external circumstances.

And that’s the main difference for me: self-kindness is about compassion in the face of reality, while self-indulgence is about coping. Self-kindness is an emotionally mature, growth-orientated way of responding to a situation, self-indulgence is about hiding, repressing, muffling and pity parties.

*Here, I’m talking about the kind of self-indulgence that leads to disregard for our other needs and preferences—for example, feeling stressed in the short-term and going on a spending spree when you really want to pay off that debt that’s been stressing you out in the long-term, or chowing down on that double-decker chocolate something when you previously made a commitment to take better care of yourself. 

2. Self-kindness is self-centred

Technically, this is true if you take the word “self-centred” to literally mean centred on our selves—i.e. self-aware, in touch with our needs, and grounded in authenticity.

Rarely, however, does someone call us “self-centred” and mean it as a compliment.

So let’s look at that other definition of self-centred: focused solely on ourselves at the expense of others’ feelings, lacking empathy, even slightly narcissistic.

Here’s the counter-intuitive thing: if you spend any amount of time around people who behave in a way that fits this definition of self-centred, what you’ll notice is that they are not kind to themselves. At all. That’s why it’s all about them: they’re seeking validation from the outside to make up for what’s missing on the inside.

Their apparent sense of entitlement might make it seem like they actually think they are the bee’s knees, but it’s actually the opposite. People who behave in a way that is conventionally “self-centred” are usually seeking to make up for the lack of self-kindness they experience internally.

3. I need to be hard on myself to keep myself in check. Otherwise, how will I get anything done?

I’ve saved the most challenging for last: this is the argument I hear against self-kindness most frequently. Every time I do, it reminds me of Aesop’s fable about the sun and the wind.

In this fable, the Wind and the Sun are having a disagreement about who is the strongest. They see a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun decides that this guy will become the unknowing guinea pig they’ll use to settle their argument: whoever can get the traveller to take his cloak off is the strongest. So the Sun hides behind a cloud and the Wind begins to blow as hard as it can upon the traveller. But the harder he blows, the tighter the traveller wraps his cloak around him, until the Wind is all blown out and gives up. The Sun, on the other hand, takes a different approach. He comes out, shines his brightest, and beams down on the traveller, who soon starts finds it too hot to walk with his cloak on and removes it (all the while wondering what is up with the crazy-assed weather today).

Sun wins, and the moral of this story is: “Kindness effects more than severity.”

Most of us are conditioned to be hard on ourselves as a way of motivating ourselves to take action. But all this does in the long-term is undermine our self-trust. No one likes to be nagged, criticised, or bullied into doing things, so it makes for a miserable life if we’re doing these things to ourselves.

The antidote to being hard on ourselves lies in understanding and compassion.

When we understand why we feel resistance to doing some things, why taking action is hard in this particular situation, and why we’re struggling to step up and do what we really want to do, we’re in a much better position to be able to change that.

"The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change." - Carl...

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If you want to increase the self-kindness quotient in your life, I invite you to take part in From Coping to Thriving. During this six-week course, you’ll learn how to turn your coping strategies into self-caring behaviours, leaving behind struggle and learning to thrive.

Click here to learn more.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below.

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

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              Related StoriesHow to Be Kind to Yourself in the Face of RejectionHow to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a MistakeFree Webinar: How to Be Kind to Yourself 

How to Be Kind to Yourself in the Face of Rejection

Rejection is one of the most painful experiences we endure as humans. Recent research has shown that experiencing social rejection fires up the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain (you can hear more about this in my interviews with Dr Guy Winch and Dr Joel Wade on the Becoming Who You Are podcast).

This means that although the times when we feel most rejected are the times when it can be hardest to experience self-kindness, the times when we feel most rejected are the times when we most need self-kindness.

In this post, I’m going to share some of the things that hinder self-kindness in the face of rejection and how we can be kind to ourselves when we have a rejection experience (spoiler alert: trying to avoid rejection is not the answer, although many of us—myself included—still try anyway!)

If you're avoiding rejection, you're not truly living.

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Why is self-kindness in the face of rejection so hard?

Because it’s a refusal of acceptance and belonging. We are social animals, we need a solid and stable community of people around us to feel secure, and we are born hardwired to at least partially base our perception of ourselves on the feedback we receive from the people around us.

That means that when someone rejects us, whether it’s in conversation, for a date, for a job, or otherwise, our place in this world is momentarily called into question. We are being cast out or refused acceptance to the tribe. Ancestrally and in childhood, that meant death… so it’s a big deal.

While the nomadic tribal days of our ancestors are over and we’re all grown up and capable of fending for ourselves, rejection still poses a big threat; it can lead to shame and all the feelings that come with that: frustration, anger, and pain (quite literally, remember).

As Brené Brown writes in her book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): 

‘…There’s new brain research that is helping us understand that shame can be so threatening that, rather than processing it in the neocortex—the advanced part of the brain that allows us to think, analyze and react—shame can signal our brains to go into our very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode. In this mode, the neocortex is bypassed and our access to advanced, rational, calm thinking and processing of emotion all but disappears. The primitive part of the brain springs into action and that’s when we find ourselves becoming aggressive, wanting to run and hide or feeling paralyzed; sometimes, without any clue as to why.’

Most of us respond to rejection in one of three ways:

1. We assume the person, people or organisation rejecting us are correct and that there is something deficient or inherently wrong with us.

2. We assume the person, people, or organisation rejecting us are idiots and we focus on this fact as a way of avoiding feeling the incredibly uncomfortable feelings rejection can provoke.

3. We accept it sucks but, you know, stiff British upper lip and all that so let’s not cry over spilt milk.

None of these approaches are based in self-kindness.

But what if other people are right and there really is something wrong with us?

Just because someone else makes a judgement about us, it doesn’t mean that they’re right. Even if there is an element of truth in what they’re saying, I guarantee you that there is nothing “wrong” with you that you can’t work with, change, or learn to accept.

But what if I get stuck? No one likes a dweller; isn’t onwards and upwards the best approach?

There’s a difference between acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel the pain associated with rejection and launching into full-on dwell mode. We don’t want to pitch our tents in victimhood, but we need to be able to accept what we’re feeling to be able to move forward.

But if there’s nothing inherently wrong with me yet someone has rejected me, then why wouldn’t I think they’re an idiot?

A rejection is a refusal and refusals happen for a lot of reasons. When we unpack an automatic assumption that there’s something wrong with someone who doesn’t want what we have to offer, often what we find underneath is masked hurt or fear. If we stay in a place of blame or judgement, we’re not allowing ourselves to feel our authentic experience, and we risk forming false beliefs about other people, even the world.

How to Be Kind to Yourself in the Face of Rejection

1. Prepare a list of ways you can be kind to yourself in the face of rejection in advance.

Making kind decisions when we’re feeling overwhelmed, lonely and ashamed is challenging. By creating a list of the kindest things you can do for yourself when you experience rejection, you give yourself a much better chance of self-kindness when the time comes.

2. Zoom out and step away from meanings.

What are the facts of the situation? When you take a step back and take the emotion out of this rejection, is there anything you can learn for the future?

3. What would you tell a friend in this situation? 

Often, we are more able to offer kindness to other people in these situations because we’re not so emotionally involved. What would you say to your best friend, and how can you apply this same compassion to yourself?

4. Use the opportunity to practice empathy for self and others.

What really hurts about this for you? What fears does it provoke? What could be going on for the other person in this situation? Give yourself a hug and acknowledge how hard this feels. Then…

5. Celebrate the fact you went there.

You got in the arena and, regardless of the outcome, deserve a massive applause for showing up and doing it.

6. Remember that when someone rejects us, it means that no matter how much we might have wanted that relationship, partnership, or arrangement, it’s not a good fit.

As painful as it can be in the short-term, in the long run rejection is a form of kindness.

Yep, you read that right: rejection is a form of kindness. When people refuse us, what they’re doing is making room in our lives for people and situations that are a better fit.

 

If you’re feeling inspired to develop a kinder relationship with yourself, I invite you to join us for “From Coping to Thriving“, a six-week journey that will revolutionise your self-care. The course starts on 1st April and you can find out more here.

 

 

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below.

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              Related StoriesHow to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a MistakeFree Webinar: How to Be Kind to Yourself4 Ways to be Kind to Yourself When You’re Feeling Blue 

Why Ditching My Tv Was an Act of Self-Kindness (and Might Be for You Too)

The beginning of 2014 marks five years since I stopped watching TV. In January 2009, I didn’t have enough money to renew my TV license (which is like a “TV tax” we have to pay in the UK), so I decided to deregister and officially declare myself TV-less. As the nice folks in the TV licensing department like to conduct stealth checks, this meant I actually had to stop watching TV, or risk anything from a hefty fine to a court date (all in the name of keeping the BBC advert-free…).

While quitting TV might seem like a low-impact decision, it forced me to re-evaluate how I was spending my time, how I was using TV, and how it’s such an integral part of our society. I thought my TV diet would be temporary, but the longer I’ve gone without it, the less I miss or want it.

I still watch TV programs online through various services like Netflix, but I’m only watching programs I really enjoy, I have more time to watch interesting and informative material, and, as I describe below, it’s no longer an emotional crutch.

Here are five ways that ditching my TV has been an act of self-kindness:

1. It’s one less numbing factor in my life

During my TV days, I would get home, crash in front of the TV, and numb out. Some people drink, some people eat, some people take drugs, but I think most of us use TV as a way to zone out and escape our cares.

While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with desiring relaxation or wanting to catch up on our favourite shows, the tipping point occurs when this becomes compulsive. I used to watch the same episodes of the same shows over again (one of my favourite soap operas showed the same episode at lunch time and dinner time—sometimes I would watch both). I would also watch programs that I didn’t even like just to watch something, because I’d had a long day and, dammit, I’d earned my TV time.

When I stopped watching TV, I realised just how much I had used it to zone out and disconnect from myself, my life, and the world around me. It had become a coping mechanism. Without the default response of plonking down and pressing the power button on the remote, I was able to see just how much this had become a habit that stunted my personal growth.

2. I have more time

According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than four hours of TV each day.

Yet, so many of us complain that we don’t have enough time to do the things we really want to do! I know for sure that if I was watching four hours of TV per day, Becoming Who You Are would not have become what it is, nor would I have been able to read, learn, explore and enjoy other activities and hobbies as much as I have done.

How we spend our time is a direct reflection of our true values.

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I also know that, at the end of my life, I’m going to look back and be a lot happier knowing I’ve spent my time on projects like this rather than if I looked back and saw years filled with re-runs of 24.

3. I’m comfortable with my own company

One of the reasons I used to watch so much TV was that I found it hard to be in the presence of my own company without distraction. At the time, I wasn’t very kind to myself, and no one wants to hear someone criticising and nagging them 24/7, right?

Just as finding myself without this distraction helped me see that TV had become a coping mechanism, it also forced me to start paying more attention to why I was finding it so hard to be with myself in silence. This awareness was the foundation for taking my self-kindness up a level.

4. It fits my no-drama policy

One of the biggest changes that comes with a no-TV existence is that I no longer have much idea what’s happening in the news. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve found that I don’t need to keep abreast of what’s happening in the world (not that the news is really an accurate representation of that) to feel happy and whole as a person. In fact, I’m much happier not knowing.

I’m connected to enough people who share my values and interests through social media that I trust I’ll hear about anything important, and, so far, that’s been the case.

5. I’m free of TV-related FOMO (fear of missing out)

So much office and social conversation revolves around TV.

While I had a TV, I would feel like I had somehow missed out if everyone else at work or in my social group was discussing a programme that I hadn’t seen. Although it was a teeny tiny anxiety, it tapped into deeper fears around not fitting in and being an outsider.

When I ditched my TV, I found that this solved the problem for me. The benefits of not having a TV far outweighed the anxiety I felt around missing out, and my response of “No, I didn’t see XYZ, I don’t have a TV” usually generated further conversation that left me feeling more connected than left out.

Although this post focuses on TV, really it applies to any lifestyle choice that’s a social norm but isn’t actually healthy for us. I’ve found it so helpful to question what I’m spending my time on and why, and I hope that by sharing these benefits, you’ll be inspired to engage in a similar inquiry of your own.

Does this post resonate with you? If your answer is “yes” and you want to investigate how you can stop using activities like TV to numb out or avoid spending time with yourself, you might be interested in From Coping to Thriving. Starting in April, we’ll explore how to switch out coping mechanisms for self-caring behaviours and create a life that is kinder, compassionate and more authentic.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below.

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

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              Related StoriesAuthor Interview: “Breaking From Your Parents” With Daniel MacklerThe Hardest and Best Parts of Living Life on Your Terms (+ How to Ride the Waves)How to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a Mistake 

Author Interview: “Breaking From Your Parents” With Daniel Mackler

Today’s post is a little different: it’s an interview with author Daniel Mackler about his new book “Breaking From Your Parents“.

I wanted to share this interview with Daniel as he is tackling a subject that, in my opinion, is one of the last real taboos of our society: choosing to disengage from family relationships. This is a topic that is meaningful to me because it’s something I’ve dealt with myself (in 2007, I made the decision to break from my own parents). I’m aware this isn’t something that is widely acceptable to talk about in our culture (or many others), so I welcome respectful discussion in the comments.

Hi Daniel! Would you mind telling us a little about yourself and your background?

Hmm, about me… Well, right now I best identify myself as a world traveler, though I make my living as a filmmaker—mental health documentaries about recovery from psychosis without medication. Before this I was a therapist in New York for ten years.

What else? I’m 42 years old. I was born in New York City and still use that as my home base, though I haven’t had an apartment there in 4 years. But in my heart I’m a country kid. I was raised in the countryside—hunting, fishing, camping, collecting fossils, riding my bike, playing tons of sports outside. I only moved back to the city as an adult. And about me now…well…I just published this new book—on a subject near and dear to my heart.

Your new book is called “Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species”. Can you explain what led you to write the book and how it felt to write so openly about your family experiences?

So first question first. I was led to write the book because I have broken from my own parents and have come to realize what an incredibly powerful and taboo thing that is to do. It’s basically not cool in our society—not cool often under even super-extreme circumstances, like in families where there was historical sexual abuse by a parent. Society pretty much sides with the parents in most cases. So what motivated me to write the book was my realization that what I’ve learned could really be very useful to others. I know a lot of people who are either breaking from their parents or are considering it, and what I’ve seen is there’s not much good writing out there on the subject. Yes, there are some books that talk about extreme cases in which it might be appropriate to break from one’s parents, but basically nothing out there talks about regular people wanting to break from their parents—and really start a new life. It’s taboo. Regular people are supposed to love their parents and stay close to them, be there for them, respect them, honor them—all that stuff. I felt the opposite in my life—and have lived this way for a long time. And having heard the stories of so many who in one way or another were like me, I decided to compile my thoughts into a book—both a theoretical and a practical one.

Now the second question: about how it felt to write so openly about my parents. Well: it felt horrible!! It was not fun. Scary. But actually that’s not the whole story. Simultaneously it felt liberating to write about my relationship with them: to not be afraid of them and to be able to speak openly about what they did to me, about the ways in which they failed me, and about why I have put so much energy into breaking from them. Breaking these age-old family secrets and casting off the taboos has been liberating.

But hand-in-hand with this liberation was my awareness that there would be consequences that went along with it. The consequences were the horrible part: the judgments I knew I would be facing from people who side with parents against their children, the judgment I would receive from my family system, even the criticism I would get in my mental health work—because so many, if not most, in the mental health field, therapists and clients alike, are not so healthy. They side reflexively with the parents, because they haven’t done enough inner work yet to mature to the point of being able to more deeply side with the self of their own child within.

And this brings me to the final part of why it was so hard to write about my own personal experiences: that there are still terrified and wounded parts of me, living in my psyche. I am not fully healed yet. I’ve come a long way—a really long way—but I still am hurt. I still, in some unconscious sides of myself, am looking for rescue from parental-like figures. And writing openly about breaking from my parents terrifies those wounded parts of me. And those wounded parts freak out because they’re afraid they will die because of what I’ve written. And…incidentally…in a way they are much more likely to die because of what I’ve written. It’s “game over” for them. But it’s not exactly that they’ll die: it’s that they’ll transform. Into something more mature. They have to face reality, and that is terrifying. And the reality is that they don’t need parental rescue, and regardless, ultimately parental rescue is never coming. The only way to find real satisfaction is to heal the ancient wounds of childhood and learn to meet one’s own deeper needs. This is the point of my book. It’s not just about breaking from our parents. It’s about learning to parent ourselves. It’s about growing up—in a way we were never taught to do. It’s about growing up in a way that broke the rules of the family system…because it was too healthy.

So writing this book, and especially writing so personally about my own life, kicked up all these dynamics within me. Scary—but ultimately something that I am confident is contributing to my personal liberation.

Something I struggled with when working through my own relationship with my parents was where to draw the line—in other words, when to set a boundary and stop trying to fix something that wasn’t fixable (or my responsibility to fix). Where is that line for you?

I tried for years to fix my parents. To help them become healthier so that they could be more proper, mature parents for me. I tried to do that since I was a little kid. And I became much more conscious of and focused about it when I was a teenager. I tried so hard—to help my mother get sober, to help my dad become more respectful and loving toward me, and more insightful too. It all failed. I wish I could say I gave up on them at that point and become independent, but I didn’t. Instead I vacillated between taking a lot of distance from them and then going back and trying to rectify the relationships. But healing those relationships was not meant to be. It wasn’t possible. My parents were too broken and stuck and I was too hell-bent on getting healthy and being more true to myself. Had I given up my struggle to be free—to become a full, healthy, integrated person—I could have stayed close, or closer, to them. That’s what most people do in their relationships with their parents. That’s the norm. But I couldn’t do it. So basically life chose my path for me: I had to get away. The failure of our relationship was not for my lack of trying. I think I tried far too hard. For way too many years.

But at the same time I think I needed to try. I needed to give it my all: in order to find out who they really were and what their limitations were. By not having such clear boundaries I allowed a lot of intimate contact with them, on and off right up through my mid-30s, and learned just how sick and stuck they were. So when I finally broke away in a much more permanent way (which is where I’ve been for the last several years) I knew what I was doing. I did not feel emotionally called to return to them.

But I had to test that boundary for years. That’s how I learned where to draw the line for myself in relation to them. I think everyone needs to test that for himself or herself. It’s not something that an outside person can tell someone. It’s something we all have to feel for ourselves, individually.

I hear from a lot of people who are very unhappy in toxic or abusive family relationships, yet don’t feel like they have the option to distance themselves or break away from these relationships, because “they’re family”. Do you have any suggestions or words of wisdom for these people?

Hmm…my experience tells me that the idea that we have to stick with our parents because “they’re family” is an idea created by the parent. By the family system itself. It’s an idea created by the family to keep the family together — to defend itself and its own denial. And I think that idea, the idea that we have to stay close to our parents, no matter what, resonates strongly with children — and the wounded childlike parts in us that have not yet healed — because children, no matter what, need their parents. Especially young children. They need parents to take care of them. If parents (or parental-like figures) don’t take care of them they will die. So children learn very early to accept a certain amount of misery and inappropriate behavior and failure from their parents. Their survival depends on it. And it’s normal that that attitude sticks around in people long after they’ve chronologically become adults. But the more people heal their wounded child within, the more that attitude of “they’re family and thus I can’t reject them” fades away. The less we need our parents the more free we are to become independent—and take care of ourselves. That is, by healing our ancient childhood wounds we place ourselves in a position to parent ourselves—and now to do it properly.

One of the things I’ve found most challenging about breaking from my parents is the social isolation it can cause, so I was grateful to see that you’ve included a chapter on friendships and support. What, in your experience, has been the best way to approach this topic with friends? And how have you dealt with friends who aren’t so supportive of your decision?

Hmm…how to broach this topic with friends? Well, my closest friends have broken from their parents, or have largely done so, so it’s not a hard topic to broach with them. These friends are my allies, much as I hope this book will be for others. My allies support me and I support them. They know why I’ve done what I’ve done with my parents and they respect it. And I feel the same for them. But I do have friends who have not broken from their parents—or have done so only minimally. It’s hard for me to be deep friends with them, and for a few reasons. One reason is that I often find what they’re doing to be troubling. It’s hard for me to see people in confused, essentially self-harming relationships with the very people who set them on a confused path. I don’t find it easy to witness this in my friends. It’s painful. It’s not so different to watching a friend go through an unpleasant addiction, such as to a drug or to sex. I can still love some parts of the person, but not all the behavior.

But on a more personal level, my friends who have not broken much from their parents are generally not so supportive of me. They don’t really understand why I’m doing what I’ve done—in having broken from my parents—and sometimes they even criticize me for it. They ask me questions like, “Doesn’t that hurt your parents?” or “Can’t you work toward forgiving them?” Yuck!

Or sometimes they do a different thing that’s equally troubling to me: they say, “Oh, it makes sense why you’re doing what you’re doing because you had such a bad childhood with such troubled parents.” That to me is a cop-out. First, from what I’ve seen, my childhood was not really so much worse than most people’s—and in fact probably was much better than most people’s—and second, my childhood generally seems to have been better than that of the very people pressuring me to get back together with my parents. So basically it’s hard to be friends with someone who is in denial about something that I’m not in denial about. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how I see it.

And as this relates to my new book, Hannah, I actually didn’t tell a lot of my less supportive friends—especially those who were parents themselves—that I was even writing it, much less publishing it. I needed the free mental space to be able to create the work without their intrusions. Arguing with people in denial, friends or otherwise, was not going to help me get the book out there. And just to be clear, it’s not that I’ve spent my life avoiding argument or discussion with people who hold a different viewpoint than I do. I haven’t. I have spent years—decades, actually—discussing these points with people who hold different points of view than that which I hold. And, interestingly, I used to hold viewpoints that were much closer to theirs. I used to believe in things like forgiveness of parents. That’s how I was raised. I have since evolved.

Daniel Mackler is a former psychotherapist and presently a world wanderer, filmmaker, international lecturer, and musician. Born in New York City and raised in the wilds of Western New York State, he now lives all over the world, city and countryside alike. He is most widely known for his film series on recovery from schizophrenia without psychiatric medication, a subject on which he has also published two peer-reviewed books, but his deepest passion is the subject of healing childhood trauma. This, he believes, is the root of our individual salvation—and our collective salvation as a species.

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              Related StoriesFree Webinar: How to Be Kind to YourselfThe Hardest and Best Parts of Living Life on Your Terms (+ How to Ride the Waves)How to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a Mistake 

The Hardest and Best Parts of Living Life on Your Terms (+ How to Ride the Waves)

This post is part of the Evolve & Succeed Laser Launch blog party (part deux), a collection of behind the scenes stories of other online business owners. Check out the other links here.

When the lovely Halley asked us to write about the hardest and best parts of running our own business, I wanted to make sure that this was also relevant to you, lovely reader, who might not run their own business or live in that world.

As I started brainstorming what have been the hardest and best parts of running this little show for me so far, I realised that everything I was writing applied to life in general. The stuff that business owners find challenging is stuff that pretty much anyone who is human has to weather.

Overcommitment? Check. Uncertainty? Check. Boundaries? Check. In business, issues in these areas can become amplified, magnified, and start to affect crucial things like your income, but these are all very human struggles.

So (consciously not heeding the people who suggest writing blog posts with one person in mind) this post is for everyone, whether you have your own gig, work in big mega-corp, live on a farm, or travel the world.

In some ways, it’s about the best and hardest things about being alive, and I hope it’s useful to read & know that we’re all in this together, wherever we are and whatever we’re doing.

The Hard
1. Overcommitment

There are two types of overcommitment I’ve come across in business and in life: saying “yes” when I really want to say “no”, and adding enough to a day’s to-do list to keep me busy for a week.

The result of overcommitment is that we end up feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and like we’re barely keeping our heads above water. We might be driven by a desire to feel involved or valuable, a fear of missing out, or some other unmet and unconscious needs. Either way, overcommitment is a sure path to exhaustion and not aligned with self-kindess.

As for the antidote? This is very much a work in progress. I’m learning that most things take longer than I think they will. I’ve designated certain days of the week as coaching days and left others free for admin. When planning my to-do lists for the week ahead, I’ve started leaving Friday free initially so, if necessary, I can move back any outstanding tasks without feeling swamped.

A sure-fire sign that I’ve overcommitted is when I start feeling like my efforts are futile and I’m never going to get everything done that I need to do. At that point, I’m not living in alignment with my values (see below) and I know it’s time to re-evaluate where I’m spending my time and energy.

2. Uncertainty

As most people will tell you, there’s a lot of uncertainty involved in business—and the same is true for life. One of the most challenging aspects of uncertainty is that there’s no real equation. All we can do is show up, do our best, and see what comes out of it. But that’s hard, right? Because we want to know. We want to be prepared. Because the last thing we want is to get caught out and be, like, vulnerable, right?

As Tony Robbins said: “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” (tweet this)

I’ve found it much easier to deal with uncertainty when I’ve consciously decided to let go of emotional attachment to an outcome. If I email someone with a request, if I submit a proposal, whenever I have an initial coaching session, even when I submit a guest post, my priority is to serve other people and I trust that this will come back to me in some way at some point.

When I refocus on my priorities, take my ego out of it, and stop attaching meanings to the outcome, uncertain situations become a lot less stressful.

Either it works out or it doesn’t. Either way, I tried, and I’d much rather look back on a life of unsuccessful attempts than a life lived in a self-imposed cage of “what if…?”.

3. People who don’t like don’t like what you’re doing

We live in a world that is simultaneously wonderful and lost. We are social beings, and we thrive on community and connection, but right now many of our communities contain much insecurity, hurt, and scarcity-based mindsets. The result is that you will encounter people who take issue with what you’re doing for no other reason than you’re daring to do it.

Just this morning, I got a comment on YouTube saying that my voice “sucks ass”. Yes, YouTube is its own beast and comments on there don’t really count, but the fact is that when you live life on your terms, there will be people who see you doing something positive and want to bring you down a notch or two.

The antidote: I’ve learned to look at these situations and say “Peeps gonna peep”—in other words, people are going to do what they’re going to do and we have zero control over it.

Other people’s emotional baggage is not your burden to carry. When people are mean, play the tall poppy syndrome game, or decide that the way they’re going to contribute to the world is by trying to bring other people a peg down or two, all they’re doing is trying to pass their own lack of self-kindness onto you.

Choose not to accept it. Turn it into something positive. And keep on going.

The Best
1. Getting to live a life that’s aligned with my values

In no particular order, my core values are: growth, freedom, truth, connection, and understanding.

All these things are embodied in the work I do, and that’s why I love it. Rather than having a 9 to 5, this is part of my lifestyle, and that’s part of the fun for me.

If you’re unsure of your core values, I suggest narrowing down what your core values are (you can use my free workbook “Discover Your Values” to do that) and examining which areas of your life are the most and least aligned with them. Ask yourself: “What one step could I take today to live more in alignment with my core values?” It’s a simple exercise but one that has big impact.

2. Having the freedom to choose and the power to change

Just as uncertainty is one of the hardest things about running my own business, it’s also one of the best. No set outcomes, rules, or restrictions means I have complete control over how I choose to spend my time.

I don’t have to deal with pointless systems (that aren’t of my own making, anyway) and I have a renewed appreciation for the things that I do, even when they’re not fun, because I truly feel like I’ve chosen to do them. If something isn’t going the way I want it to, I get to do something about that.

I’m not limited by my role, company glass ceilings, my job description, laws that dictate how long my lunch break needs to be, or office politics. I get to travel (and am thinking of travelling permanently), I get to spend time with my partner and friends when I want to,  I get to plan my week so I can take off to Guadalajara tomorrow and not have to use up a percentage of my annual leave.

If I love something, I can do more of it. If I don’t like something, I can change it. It’s easy to lose sight of this fact, but it’s true for each and every one of us.

3. Having a continual sense of possibility

One of my biggest lessons over the last year, and one of the biggest joys, has been discovering that the only thing that really stands between where I am right now and the endless possibilities that lie ahead is me and, more specifically, my internal dialogue.

I never used to pay much attention to the saying “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

But it’s true.

As someone who used to a emphasise “being realistic”, I’ve learned that my “realism” actually equates to staying small, safe, and playing in the sand pit. As an adult, and over the last year in particular, I’ve loved reconnecting with my sense of what is possible, and dreaming and scheming has become one of my favourite past times. 

There is immense pleasure in reconnecting with our childlike sense of possibility and wonder. (click to tweet)

Having a purpose and a strong sense of “why” helps. I want to spread the word about self-kindness to as many people as possible because I know that when we’re kinder to ourselves, we’re kinder to others and this kindness has a butterfly effect. That’s what makes the hardest parts worth it.

As you journey through a life lived on your own terms, I encourage you to explore and examine why you’re doing what you’re doing and hold on to that sense of possibility for a better future, both for yourself and for the people around you.

What, for you, are the hardest and best parts of living life on your terms?

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              Related StoriesHow to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a MistakeOther People’s Opinions Are Not Your Burden to CarryAre You Avoiding Pain or Seeking Growth? 

How to Be Kind to Yourself When You Make a Mistake

“By seeking and blundering we learn.”


—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When I look at the mistakes I’ve made in my life (and there are a lot), I see that they fall into two broad categories. There are the accidental-but-embarrassing-face palm moments, like knocking the internet router off my desk (and knocking the internet out) two minutes before an important Skype interview I’d been psyching myself up to for over a week, being that person who freaks out and runs back to the airport gate just before they close the cabin doors because I left my phone in the departure lounge, and IM-ing person A when I meant to IM person B and writing “Sorry you’ve been having a hard time with person A, that sucks!”

Oops…

But this post isn’t so much about those mistakes.

It’s about the mistakes that arise from choices I make in the moment: being short with my partner when I’m feeling grumpy about something else, saying I’m going to do something then neglecting to do it, making a decision that prioritises comfort over growth, and handling difficult situations in a way I don’t feel good about later.

I find it challenging not to give myself a hard time about mistakes I make, especially the big ones that lead to shitty consequences. But I also have a certain appreciation for them: after all, if you drop the ball the first time someone passes it to you, you’re more likely to be on the lookout for it in the future. I’ve also learned a lot from seeing how other people respond to their mistakes: I’ve encountered people who will do anything to justify or ignore them, as well as people who take responsibility and make amends—I experience how differently those experiences land and how they turn out for the people involved.

We all make mistakes, big and small, but what really matters is how we respond to them. (tweet this)

The kindest thing we can do when we make a mistake—for ourselves and for other people—is to acknowledge what happened and make amends from a place of compassion. Here’s the process that I’ve found helpful, and I hope it’s helpful for you too.

1. Empathise with yourself

Empathising is about accepting reality. It’s not about blaming, judging, or (at the opposite end of the scale) condoning but about taking a compassionate look at what is true.

Whatever the mistake, we won’t be able to move past it and start to make amends until we can empathise with why we did what we did. A question I like to ask myself when I’m struggling with this is: “If my best friend came to me and told me about this situation, how would I respond?”

2. Examine what was happening underneath

Underneath every mistake, we can always find at least one reason. Usually, this is connected to a core belief we have about ourselves or the world.

Not only does this kind of examination help us empathise with ourselves further, but it also provides us with the information we need to be able to change this belief in the future. Once we’re aware of the hidden beliefs that have driven our behaviour in the past, we’re far more likely to be aware of them going forward.

3. Make amends

This step is probably the most challenging, which means it’s also the most tempting to skip. At the same time, this is the step that will have the biggest impacton how you will feel about yourself in relation to the mistake later on.

At the very least, your mistake will have affected you. It might have affected other people too. Admitting our mistakes to ourselves can be hard enough, let alone admitting them to other people. In order to truly come back from a big mistake, however, we need to take steps towards making amends.

As Anne Katherine points out in her book Where to Draw the Line, making amends doesn’t just mean apologising, it means taking action to demonstrate to the people affected that you want to make up for what happened. For example, if I borrowed a friend’s dress and damaged it beyond repair, apologising would look like saying “I’m sorry”, while making amends would look like offering to buy her a new dress. We can also make amends with ourselves, too, such as taking steps to rectify the mistake or make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Making amends doesn’t mean that anyone affected by our mistake is obligated to forgive us. This process is as much about honouring our integrity and gaining closure ourselves as it is about winning back favour with other people.

4. Get clear on what you’re taking away

Every mistake carries a lesson or several. Even though making the mistake and dealing with the consequences can be challenging, the learning experiences in the mistake are a silver lining.

Getting clear on what you can take away from the situation can help you reframe the mistake as an opportunity for personal growth. It can also prevent you from repeating the same mistake again in the future.

5. Share your experience

When we make a big mistake, we might be left with lingering feelings of guilt or shame, even after we’ve made amends and the mistake is behind us. We can help ourselves process these feelings by sharing our mistake with people who will hear us with compassion. As psychology researcher and author Brené Brown notes in her book Daring Greatly, talking about our experiences helps reduce any sensations of shame we feel around them.

What are your tips for coming back from a big mistake? Leave a comment and let me know.

Are you joining us on Thursday for “How to Be Kind to Yourself?”

This free webinar will cover what self-kindness really means, the three main types of self-kindness and how they affect us, and five things you can start doing right now to to develop a kinder relationship with yourself.

Click here for more details and to register.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below.

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Free Webinar: How to Be Kind to Yourself

 

You are cordially invited to my (first ever!) webinar on Thursday 13th February at 8pm EST | 7pm Central | 5pm PST. 

The theme is “How to Be Kind to Yourself”, and we’ll be covering:

What self-kindness means and why it’s so important
The three main types of self-kindness and how they each affect us
Five things you can start doing right now to develop a kinder relationship with yourself
How practicing self-kindness will positively impact your other relationships too

 

I’ll also be running a Q&A session at the end and tackling your biggest questions about self-kindness. We’ll be sharing our insights on Twitter using the hashtag #selfkindness so you can take the conversation online too!

I hope you’ll join us. To reserve your spot, please click here to sign up or enter your details in the box below:

Subscribe to our mailing list

Do you care about someone who could use a little more self-kindness in their lives? Share this post with them or click below to tweet about the webinar:

I’m joining @becomewhour to start a self-kindness revolution! Free webinar 2/13. Sign up here: http://bit.ly/1njd9Nq #selfkindness

This Thursday, I’m learning how to be kinder to myself with @becomewhour. Join me! http://bit.ly/1njd9Nq #selfkindness

I look forward to “seeing” you there!

What are your biggest questions or challenges around self-kindness? Leave a comment, let me know, and I’ll do my best to address your question during the webinar! 

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              Related Stories4 Ways to be Kind to Yourself When You’re Feeling BlueChange: It Starts With Each BreathOther People’s Opinions Are Not Your Burden to Carry 

Change: It Starts With Each Breath

I recently read What To Say When You Talk To Your Self by Dr. Shad Helmstetter. The book is an interesting read overall, and one passage in particular stood out to me. The metaphor is beautiful and I agree 100% with the message.

It’s a passage about two types of change, and I want to share this with you today (text in italics is taken from the book, bold emphasis added by me):

Type 1: Change Created by External Influences

“The kind of change which happens to us is the result of of those minor attitude changes which come to us by way of expectations, minor events, company policies, personal relationships, relatives, family needs, parental authority, religious credos, per pressures, advertising of all kinds, economic trends, daily exposure to television, radio, magazines and newspapers, social requirements, political positions, whimsical notions, close friends, and off-hand comments.





It is strange that these influences should shape most of our lives for us; and yet they do. They are not all bad or contrary of course—some of them are necessary and worthwhile. Some of these influences—a few of them—are the best kind we can ever hope to find. But taken as a group, these everyday influences in our lives are seldom the notes on which great symphonies are played. More often they are dives, plainly-written tunes, written in the key of average, with a slowly meandering discordant melody, leading to something less than the rising crescendo of great finales we had hoped for, never once demanding or creating the lasting and beautiful orchestration of a life well-lived.





The conditioning of daily living somehow convinces us that mankind’s greatest need, social survival, is also each person’s greatest achievement!





The result is that we slowly, unknowingly, change—not to achieve—but to survive, in a way that offers us the acceptance of the others. We get by. We do what we must. We do as well as we can, get along with others as well as possible, play our roles, do our jobs, put a little away for the future, and hope for the best. The dreams we dreamed as children, we learn no longer to believe.





That is the tune we are taught to play. Instead of believing, knowing, that each of us is an entire orchestra, we are led to believe we are only the flute. We listen to the idle gossip of a friend, follow the lead of so-called leaders, fit our lives into a mould that was not of our making, tuck our dreams in our pockets, and hope for better things to come.





And so we are changed by the lives we live, For most of us it is seldom the calamitous change of catastrophic events. It is the slow, sure change of environment—the change forced upon us by the world around us. What we become a part of becomes a part of us. What we perceive and what we accept is an important part of what we too will become.“

Type 2: The Alternative Change Created by Personal Choice

“The one kind of change in our lives which is left up to the individual—to each of us—is the change which is created by personal choice.





Have you ever thought about the fact that what you do, how you live, what you become, is almost entirely up to you? Of course there are outside circumstances to deal with, but how you deal with them is still, and finally, up to no one else but you. What you decide to do next will determine what you do next.





Make the decision to do what you choose and you next step will be you own. Sit back and let the outside world take the lead and it will. Decide to determine your own next step—and thereby your future—and you can. Make the decision to make each breath you breathe your own. Stick by it, and each breath, step, motion, and achievement will be of your own making and of your own choice.”

“Make the decision to make each breath your own” (click to tweet). Beautiful.

I know which kind of change I want to be making. Do you?

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              Related StoriesAre You Avoiding Pain or Seeking Growth?4 Ways to be Kind to Yourself When You’re Feeling BlueOther People’s Opinions Are Not Your Burden to Carry 

4 Ways to be Kind to Yourself When You’re Feeling Blue

Laser Launch blog party is a collection of stories from online celebrities about their second year experiences.  Brought to you by: Laser Launch Package  - a double whammy of expertise to get your next launch sold-out because your second year should be fun + profitable.

What have I learned during my first year of business? That so many of the lessons you learn as a business owner apply to other areas of your life too. Communication, money, persistence, motivation, procrastination, relationships, negotiation, and so much more—all of these things bridge the gap between work and play.

When it comes to running your own show, the highs are amazingly high, the lows can absolutely blow, and experiencing both in quick succession is totally normal. I’ve found that the same intensity of highs and lows exist in other areas of life too, they just usually happen at a slower rate. And, in both business and in life, it’s not the highs and lows themselves that define our experience of life, it’s how we respond to them. 

Having battled my own inner gremlins and experienced times of struggle, hardship, and general suckage, I am very familiar with how low the lows can get sometimes. Wherever you’re at and whatever you’re doing, a little self-kindness can go a long way…

Remember that everything passes

Feelings are transitional, and chances are that you’ve felt this way before. The highs and lows we experience each have their own arc; some last longer than others, but they all transition in the end.

Some days we’ll feel on top of the world, other days we’ll be looking up at the spec of light that sits at the top of our dark hole. Most days, we’ll be somewhere pretty neutral. But it all moves, shift, and eventually passes, if we’re willing to give ourselves space, time, and accept our own process.

Repurpose your energy

I’ve tried many things over the years to turn my frown upside down: listening to music, raiding the fridge, taking a nap, going for a walk… (and many decidedly unhealthy things besides). However, there’s one thing that, without fail, helps me get back on my feet emotionally speaking:

Paying it forward.

I first did this a while ago after receiving a particularly entitled, passive aggressive missive from a disgruntled reader. After an hour of thinking about it, talking about it, and pondering how to take this person down with a well-aimed witty repartee (not my proudest moment), I realised that I was spending way more energy on them than they had earned.

So I shifted my focus to people who had earned it. I remembered a book I had enjoyed reading recently and left a 5-star review on Amazon for the author. I sent someone who had inspired me a nice message. And suddenly, passive aggressive person’s email didn’t really matter anymore.

Since then, that has been my go-to method for turning myself around.

Energy can’t be created or destroyed, it just changes… and we can make that change. (tweet this)

Negative energy in, positive energy out. When I’m feeling a surge of crappypants energy, I figure out how I can add value to the world and I use that energy and drive to go and do that.

Ask for support, and be specific

Sometimes, we talk to people because we want their feedback, advice, and suggestions. Sometimes, we talk to people because we want to be seen, heard, and understood.

Even if we want support from others, it’s an act of self-kindness to work out what type of support we’re looking for, and to communicate that to the other person. When we’re clear with ourselves about what we need, we’re far more likely to get helpful support, and the other person or people will be glad of the opportunity to give it.

Create a Self-Kindness Kit

Being kind to ourselves when we’re feeling blue can be challenging. When we’re already in that place, we might feel stuck, listless, uncertain, and not really in a position to be creative and think outside the box.

So, prepare. If you know you’re going to be experiencing challenges over the next few weeks/months/years, prepare for that point of inflection in advance. The kit is a list of go-to activities that represent self-kindness when things get tough.

Think of five times when you’ve felt most joyful and write down what you were doing, who you were with, and what needs were being met in the process.
Think of five times when you’ve felt most fulfilled and write down what you were doing, who you were with, and what needs were being met in the process.
Think of five times when you’ve felt safe and write down what you were doing and who you were with.
Think of your core values and activities you enjoy that are aligned with one or more of them.

Look for the patterns in the activities, people, and needs in your answers and use these elements to start creating your kit.

What are your go-to suggestions for being kind to yourself when you’re feeling blue? Leave a comment and share your ideas! 

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below.

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