Hannah Braime's Blog, page 39

Episode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This.

Today’s podcast is about self-care, what it is, and why it’s so important. We hear so many misconceptions about what self-care means and who it’s for in our culture, and I address some of these in this episode.

Topics include:

A definition of self-care that might surprise you
Why self-care is for everyone, not just for people of certain genders, backgrounds or lifestyles
The difference between coping strategies and self-care
Examples of coping strategies

Useful Links

From Coping to Thriving

From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course

Say Hello

 

Hannah:

Twitter @becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

Website: www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Email:hannah@becomingwhoyouare.net

 

Subscribe through iTunes

 

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

 

Photo Credit: Pink Sherbet Photography via Compfight cc

The post Episode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This. appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               
CommentsHey Camila! Thanks for your great question :) Speaking from ... by Hannah BraimeThis was great, thank you Hannah. I totally love this. I have a ... by camilaRelated StoriesAre You Surviving, or Thriving?How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case StudySelf-care’s Shady Sister, and Why You Need to Get to Know Her 

Are You Surviving, or Thriving?

This post is adapted from Chapter 1 of “From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-care into a Way of Life“, which is available now for Kindle and as a PDF. Download the Kindle version before 21st August 2013 and save 40%.

 

“How can I:

Stop watching so much TV?
Cut down my drinking?
Stop spending so much money?
Stop smoking?
Get fitter?
Eat more healthily?
Experience a richer social life?
Get enough sleep?
Reduce my busyness?
Improve my relationships?”

Before we begin looking at the questions above, let’s start with another question:

What does self-care mean to you?

It’s a question I have struggled with for many years, only recently realizing that the answer is hard to define in strong, tangible terms. The goalposts move according to how I’m feeling, what’s happening in my life, and what needs I want to meet at the time.

My favorite definition of self-care comes from Pauline Salvucci, author of Self-Care Now! (Salvucci, 2001.) She defines self-care as: “the right and responsibility to take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.”

I selected this definition because it includes several key facts about self-care:

Self-care involves our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. As I mentioned briefly in the introduction, self-care is less about going out and doing things that fall under the category of “pampering,” and more about consciously taking steps to meet our needs in these three areas.
Self-care is our right. Another way of phrasing this is: “we all deserve self- care”—even if it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. If you experience internal debate around whether or not you deserve self-care, I address this in the book.
Self-care is our responsibility. Yes, that means that no one is going to take care of us—it’s down to us and us alone. Although it’s not always conscious, many of us yearn for someone to come along and take care of us, to assume a nurturing parent role, and to meet our unmet needs. While we’re waiting for that unspecified (and nonexistent) person to come along, we’re neglecting our needs. Taking responsibility for our own self-care allows us to enter into mutually beneficial relationships to meet our needs, rather than being dependent on someone else.

The secret ingredient to real, genuine self-care is very simple, yet many people miss its power.

At its essence, its very core, self-care is about identifying and meeting your needs.

Self-care is integral to our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with the outside world. It provides us with a chance to rest, replenish, and re-nourish physically, mentally, and emotionally.

As children, we rely on our parents and caregivers to meet our needs and take care of ourselves. As adults, we are the only people who can meet our own needs, and that’s what self-care is all about. When we engage in self-care, we send the message to ourselves: “You are worth taking care of.”

What are our needs, and why do they matter?





We all have a variety of human needs that range from basics—like food, shelter, safety, and sleep—to more existential needs, like self-expression, acceptance, stability, empathy, and to know and to be known. These needs are the driving force behind our decisions and actions, even if we’re not conscious of them at the time. These needs have a deep influence on our internal worlds and our external behavior. Therefore, we need to meet these needs if we’re going to have the best possible experience of our lives.

Even if we’re not consciously aware of our needs (or we are, but we reject them), parts of us will still be working away under the surface, trying to meet them. This is a recipe for disaster. It leads to us doing things, saying things, and feeling things that we just don’t understand. It leads to depression, procrastination, and a whole host of other undesirable phenomena. It keeps us stuck in the same patterns over and over again, and it curbs our ability to live to our full potential.

The parts of us that are left trying to meet these unmet needs are entering a tennis game blindfolded. We hear the “thwack” of the ball from our partner and swing wildly, running all over the court in an attempt to guess where that ball has gone. Soon, we’re drained, frustrated, and feeling rather helpless; meeting our needs takes energy—even more so when we’re trying to do it unconsciously.

To create a meaningful and fulfilling self-care practice, we need to develop our awareness of our unmet needs. When we’re unconsciously working to meet one or more needs, either because part of us has rejected them, or because we’re disconnected from them altogether, we aren’t going to be able to engage in activities that will truly meet those needs.

When we are conscious of our needs, when we accept them, and when we work out what we need to do to meet them directly, we free up that emotional and physical energy. We’re back in the tennis game, blindfold off and ready. We’re able to hone our skills, play our best game, feel good about our performance and provide a more satisfying experience for our game partner, too.

When we’re aware of our needs, we free up a huge amount of headspace. We can live our lives without feeling distracted and weighed down by malaise, emptiness, and that “something’s missing” feeling.

In a nutshell, we are much freer to live the life we want to lead as the best version of ourselves.

Want to know more? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

The post Are You Surviving, or Thriving? appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

              Related StoriesSelf-care’s Shady Sister, and Why You Need to Get to Know HerEpisode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This.How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case Study 

Episode 38: Body Image and Self-Acceptance with Anne-Sophie Reinhardt

In this episode, I was delighted to talk to Anne-Sophie Reinhardt. Having survived a 14-year battle with anorexia, Anne-Sophie is now on a mission to create a world where women love themselves unabashedly, completely and guiltlessly. She believes that every single woman can find peace around food and her body.

Topics we discuss include:

The key to self-acceptance
How to accept yourself and your body, especially when you’re bombarded by conflicting advice
Four activities that aid the healing and self-care process
How time, self-acceptance, listening to ourselves, and trusting in our own process are the keys to developing a healthy relationship with food

… and more!

 


Useful Links

bodyheart by Amber Krys

 


Say Hello

Anne-Sophie:

Twitter: @theannesophie

Facebook: www.facebook.com/theannesophie

Website: www.annesophie.us

Email: anne-sophie@annesophie.us

 


Hannah:

Twitter @becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

Website: www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Email:hannah@becomingwhoyouare.net

 

Subscribe through iTunes

 


Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

The post Episode 38: Body Image and Self-Acceptance with Anne-Sophie Reinhardt appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

              Related StoriesHow I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case StudyEpisode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This.Are You Surviving, or Thriving? 

5 Facts About Personal Development That We Need to Talk About

I think it’s time that we had a little truth-telling session about the realities of personal development.

When I first started down the rabbit hole, I had no idea what I was getting myself into (in a good way). In the beginning, I had many pre-conceived ideas about what personal development was, how long it took, the process, and more. In hindsight, I would say that, oh, none of them turned out to be correct.

Here are the facts, as I’ve experienced them:

1. It takes time

The seedier side of the personal development world makes a fine fortune selling quick fixes. The trouble with quick fixes is that, even if they get short-term results, they don’t last.

“Do this one simple thing and you can CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER” doesn’t exist. People are not stupid: if it was so quick and so simple, then most of us would be doing it and the personal development industry would die.

The myth of quick personal development is similar to the myth of the overnight success story, where the public focus is on the meteoric rise to fame, not the unsexy part that involved years of consistent hard work beforehand.

I’ve been doing some of the unconscious things I do for nearly 26 years. Am I going to be able to right those things overnight? No.

The more we’ve used a particular thought pattern or reaction, the longer it’s going to take to shift those neural pathways.

I used the following metaphor with a coaching client recently to illustrate this idea:

Think of the existing habit or behaviour like a well-trodden woodland path. If you want to create a new pathway (i.e. a new habit), it’s going to take you time to make your way through all that undergrowth and create a clear trail that you can follow in the future. Carving out that new path is going to feel like hard work, and it’s going to be a while before that path is as smooth and easy as the original path.

The more you wear down the new path, however, the easier it becomes.

2. You will make mistakes

Here are some of my most common in-the-moment tripping points:

1. I don’t want to be mean, I don’t want to be deliberately hurtful, and I don’t want to mirror the way that people behaved towards me when I was a kid, but I still get a kick out of unleashing my inner snark.

2. Honesty and transparency are really important to me, yet I’m still capable of doing the whole “No, nothing’s wrong, I’m FINE” thing—when I’m totally not.

3. I value truth and self-awareness, but sometimes I’m aware I’m acting out on people, and I go ahead and do it anyway because it provides a temporary emotional release and I want to be the one that’s “right” in the situation.

I’m not happy about this stuff, but I accept it. Recognising when we’ve tripped up is a painful, but inevitable, part of personal growth.

Making mistakes is not the problem. The problems start when we don’t allow ourselves to mistakes.

The minute I stop allowing myself to screw up, I become less likely to acknowledge when I have screwed up and number 3 on the list above becomes a way of life.

Remember that beautiful new woodland path you’re making? Remember how hard it feels to carve out that new path? Well, during that time, you’re also going to face constant temptation to take the smooth, well-trodden path by default. It’s familiar, in the short-term it feels easier, and we will inevitably realise we’re on that old path again at some point or another.

Those times really suck, but they’re a valuable part of the learning curve.

3. You can’t eradicate self-doubt and other uncomfortable feelings

One of my biggest peeves with the “self-help” movement is the grandiose claims that one book will “cure your self-doubt forever!” or “Free you from negative thoughts and feelings for good!”

First, not all self-doubt, negative thoughts, and uncomfortable feelings are automatically bad.

Negative thoughts and feelings show up for a reason. Anger is a healthy response to certain situations. If I don’t allow myself to feel that because someone said in a book or a workshop that I shouldn’t, I’m denying myself key information about my emotional experience.

Second, we can’t get rid of our feelings just because we don’t like them.

Remember, they show up for a reason. The minute we stop allowing ourselves to feel certain emotions, we stop being conscious about how those emotions are influencing our thoughts and behaviour.

While uncomfortable feelings aren’t automatically bad, they definitely have the potential to be unhelpful. The difference between the helpful and unhelpful versions of these emotions is that helpful feelings are based in present reality and unhelpful feelings aren’t. Equally, helpful emotions help us prepare for what we really want to do, while unhelpful emotions stop us doing what we really want to do.

The key to recognising this difference is awareness, not censorship.

Without awareness, we lose control over whether we act on these feelings. With awareness, we are totally in control of how we respond to our feelings.

4. There is no finish line

In a world where standardised testing, grading and performance measurement are the norm, many of us long for the time when we will be ‘developed’ and our self-work will be done.

When I first started seeing a counsellor, I really thought that one day I would get a flash of inspiration that would enable me to finally understand how the world works and what ‘normal’ looks like.

Nope.

Personal development is a life-long process.

I like this fact, because it means there’s constantly more I can learn about myself and other people. I’ve known people who were highly invested in being developed, did some work on their self-awareness and then decided they were done. They have been some of the most unaware people I’ve encountered.

5. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach

We’re all individuals working at our own pace, in our own way and with our own histories. What works for one person doesn’t work for another.

I can jump online and point to multiple people who have found great value in concepts like chakras, qi and Law of Attraction. Equally, some people find Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or the “Just stop doing it” approach helpful. Personally, none of those things work for me.

I’ve found that the ideas of Carl Rogers and Marshall Rosenberg resonate most with how I view the world. At the same time, I usually find bits and pieces of useful information that I can cherry-pick from different books, approaches and resources.

A key part of personal development is about finding which approaches work for you and which don’t, not sticking religiously with the first author, speaker or  we find.

You are your own guru.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

Photo Credit: bogenfreund via Compfight cc

The post 5 Facts About Personal Development That We Need to Talk About appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

              Related StoriesEpisode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This.Are You Surviving, or Thriving?Something for the Weekend #10 – Personal Development Books Edition 

Something for the Weekend #10 – Personal Development Books Edition

Something for the Weekend is a weekly round-up of authenticity-related goodness from the web and IRL.

Far better for your emotional well-being than the Sunday papers, SFTW features a selection of the good, the inspirational and the quirky. I hope these links entertain and inspire you as much as they did me.  Enjoy!

Today’s Something for the Weekend is a little different. I’m getting ready to release From Coping to Thriving in a couple of weeks and doing a lot of learning and behind-the-scenes work for that. Most of my recent reading has been about self-publishing and marketing, which might not be so interesting for you!

So instead of sharing links from around the web, I thought I’d share a selection of my favourite personal development books from this year so far. Would you add any to this list? Leave a comment and let me know. Also, don’t forget that The Ultimate Guide to Journaling audiobook is available for free until August 12th. Click here to get yours!

Authentic Emotions

Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind - Kristin Neff

One-sentence summary: Why self-compassion is far more valuable to us than self-esteem, plus exercises and practices to increase our self-acceptance and compassion.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem – Nathaniel Branden

One-sentence summary: Actionable information and advice around how the way we live affects the way we feel about ourselves, and how to take more responsibility for our lives.

Authentic Working

The Suitcase Entrepreneur – Natalie Sisson

One-sentence summary: How to combine work and travel to create freedom in business and adventure in life.

Mash-up!: How to Use Your Multiple Skills to Give You an Edge, Make Money and Be Happier – Ian Sanders and David Sloly

One-sentence summary: This book gives you permission to carve a career doing the things you love, rather than fitting them in around a conventional job.

Authentic Relationships

Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life – Susan Campbell

One-sentence summary: Dr Campell’s ten truth skills will change the way you interact in your relationships and with the rest of the world.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

One-sentence summary: Dr. Brené Brown is a pioneer in shame and vulnerability research, offering an inspiring and uplifting message in her latest book.

Insight: Reflections on the Gifts of Being an Introvert - Beth Buelow

One-sentence summary: A lovely collection of essays on introversion and what it means to be an introvert. 

Authentic Lifestyle

Zen Meditation in Plain English - John Daishin Buksbazen

One-sentence summary: Abstract ideas and practical suggestions meet in this interesting read on meditation.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Get the free ebook “The 5 Most Common Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them” plus weekly updates, product discounts and much more:

The post Something for the Weekend #10 – Personal Development Books Edition appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

              Related StoriesAre You Surviving, or Thriving?Self-care’s Shady Sister, and Why You Need to Get to Know HerEpisode 39: Think Self-care Doesn’t Apply to You? Listen to This.