Hannah Braime's Blog, page 11

How to Bring out the Best in People

This is a guest post by Antonia Lyons. Would you like to guest post on Becoming Who You Are? I’m currently accepting posts for the upcoming months. Take a look at the guidelines and get in touch!

There are all sorts of people.

Millions of them.

And all different.

Some folks are real perfectionists who like keeping everything in check and everybody on their toes.

Others are just angry and make people around defensive while wondering why the hell everybody is so sensitive.

Some people are quite confident, good willed, and often very good at resolving dramas as they bring respect and understanding to the table.

Truth is, certain folks are damn good at human relations while others, very naively, tend to make a mess out of them.

How do they differentiate?

The former understand how the human mind works and hold much more compassion for their fellow human beings.

The latter don’t really know how their state of mind effects relationships and how criticism and pressure are no one’s best friends.

Truth is, no one likes being chastised for their behaviour.

Especially the habitual behaviour that usually lands us into trouble.

When we screw up (in my case, still quite often!) the last thing we want is to be humiliated and punished, is that right?

But if we are approached with understanding and good will, we’ll feel more inclined to drop the self-sabotaging habits and start making sensible decisions in life.

When we understand the role our mental state plays in relationships, dealing with others becomes easier and more enjoyable.

It won’t guarantee roses at all times, but we’ll be able to handle people with more grace and respect.

How can we bring out the best in people?

Accordingly to Dr George Pransky we all normally fall within two “interaction cycles” accordingly to our state of mind:

THE CHIP ON THE SHOULDER CYCLE: During this time, we feel irritated and in a negative frame of mind. Any interaction will be likely unproductive as we’ll be annoyed, impatient and perhaps angry. People will bring up their defences as they won’t trust us enough to be open when we are in a state of  ill will.  There will be quite a bit of emotional reaction and defensiveness in the air at this time. Of course, when we are so irritated others will appear to be difficult because we will be quite rigid and inflexible in our judgement.
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT CYCLE: Here we will experience good will and respect because our egos will be at rest. We’ll be keen to listen to others, flexible in our judgement and cooperative. This way, others will lower their guard and be more likely to let us in.

We all go through both cycles.

What makes a difference though is our ability to spend more time in the “benefit of the doubt cycle.“

As we raise our level of goodwill, people will be more cooperative and respond better to us.

If your partner, kids or friends seem resistant, it may well be you have lost your warm feelings towards them. People are like magnets after all, attracting or repelling one another all the time through their ego or altruism.

Think about a time you’ve tried to deal with them while feeling insecure, agitated or angry.

What happened?

Very likely they reacted to your words and deeds.

So you both started a “reaction spiral,” dealing with each other out of emotion rather than wisdom.

At times like that, what we need is a “change of heart.”

No matter how angry or distant we feel from someone if we let our mind quieten down we soon start experiencing inner silence. This is when anyone, despite the circumstances, can really see life anew.

In a moment of clarity, suddenly our old thinking drops away and we can look at issues in a more positive and productive way.

When we allow ourselves to have a change of heart, no matter how small it is, we’ll create opportunities to improve our relations.

All we need is a sweet moment of quiet.

Wrapping it up:

Whenever you are dealing with a sensitive matter, check what state of mind you are in
If you are in a “chip on your shoulder” moment, get your heart in the right place before dealing with others
If you are feeling despondent, remember that we all deserve the “benefit of the doubt” and most of all, remember all the mistakes you’ve been collecting along the way
Whenever others seem defensive, just stop the conversation and go back to them another time with more gentleness and goodwill. No matter how long it takes, they will likely respond in kind eventually.

Would you like to learn how your thinking can be both very compelling and deceiving? Antonia’s coaching program  Evoking Grace will offer you inspiring and effective ways to deal with everyday challenges while keeping your cool. You can contact her by email for more details on the work she offers or to schedule a “Wisdom Within Session”. Follow her mumbling & musings on Facebook,Twitter& Pinterest to be part of her “online tribe”.

Further reading: How to ask for something (in a way that makes people want to say yes!) & Getting Real in relationships with Dr Susan Campbell

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

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How to Balance the Desire for Self-Acceptance Vs. Self-Improvement

Personal growth is full of paradoxes. One of the biggest is the tension between self-acceptance vs. self-improvement. I experience this tension regularly. I want to be the best version of myself and I also want to be OK with the way I am right now. I want a better, brighter future full of dreams, aspirations, and goals, and I also want to feel happy with what I have in the present.

So how do we make peace with these two things? How do we balance the desire for self-acceptance vs. self-improvement?

You can have too much of a good thing

I notice I struggle with the questions above when I take either element to its extreme. If I focus too much on self-improvement, I find myself falling into “when…then…” thinking. When I make the next big change, then I’ll be happy. When I meet a certain goal, then I’ll have time to do more of the things I want to do.

If you’re familiar with this pattern of thinking, you can insert several of your own examples here. This way of thinking is rooted in the belief we are not enough as we are. As Nathaniel Branden says in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, ”If my aim is to prove I am ‘enough,’ the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.”

Another way self-improvement can hurt rather than help us is when it’s borne out of comparison. Wanting to improve myself through fear I won’t be able to keep up or out of a sense of competition with other people is also rooted in “not enough” and therefore at odds with self-acceptance. When we base our sense of self-worth on where we lie in relation to others, we will always be able to find examples of where we fall short. As Sarah K Peck said in our interview for The Entrepreneur’s Inner World, “There’s only one person who’s the best in the world and—let’s look at probabilities—it’s probably not you.” The only measure of worth that matters comes from our internal barometer and knowing: Did I live in alignment with my values and principles today? Did I show up as the person I want to be?

On the other hand, if I focus only on self-acceptance, I deny a very important—and natural—part of myself that longs for growth. Several psychologists have discussed the drive for self-actualisation, including Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers, and it’s a natural, healthy desire to have. There are things I want to change about my life, and that’s OK.

As humans, we’re always evolving, both as a species and as individuals. Rather than turning this desire for growth into a problem, in this post, I want to explore how to integrate these two aspects of our being and use them to our benefit. Because we can integrate them and doing so is a beautiful foundation for healthy, intrinsically motivated ambition and growth.

Self-Acceptance vs. self-improvement is a false dichotomy

In fact, the two things are symbiotic. We need to accept where we are right now to grow. This doesn’t mean liking where we are, but acknowledging the reality of what is, the good and the bad. Nor does accepting ourselves mean whitewashing our current situation. It means:

Acknowledging there might be certain things about ourselves we would like to change or improve
Exploring the things we struggle to accept and approaching them with curiosity and an open mind
Accepting our overall desire to grow

As Dara Chadwick remarks in this Psychology Today article:

“For example, say I haven’t been eating well and have stopped working out regularly, resulting in a jump in clothing size, a slump in my energy level and a general not feeling good about what’s happening. What’s the greater self-acceptance message for my daughter? Is it better to say, “This is where I am now so I accept it?” Or is it healthier to say, “I haven’t been taking care of myself and I’m not happy about the changes in my body. So I’m going to make some eating and exercise changes so that I can feel better and be healthier again.”

This example shows how true self-acceptance means accepting our current situation and accepting our feelings about that situation, including a desire to change it.

How to Balance Self-Acceptance vs. self-improvement

Approached from a good place, both self-acceptance and self-improvement come from one source: self-regard. This means wanting the best for ourselves; not because of what anyone else is doing, not because we need to make up for some perceived inherent deficiency, but because we have a place in this world, one life to live, and we’re right in the middle of living it. Here are a few things I’ve found helpful when exploring the relationship between self-acceptance vs. self-improvement in my life:

– Notice your intention for wanting to make improvements. Do they come from a place of wanting to optimise your life, or from wanting to fill some perceived internal lack? If it’s the former, great. If it’s the latter, you will find it more helpful to do some inner work around your sense of self-worth first (I recommend starting with The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem). Shelve the self-improvement project as a secondary aim to focus on later. Ask yourself: If I wanted the best for myself, what would I be doing differently right now?

– Start from your strengths. I find it all too easy to focus on my weaknesses at the expense of keeping my strengths in mind too. Self-acceptance involves looking at the whole package: acknowledging our weaknesses but also being able to identify and focus on our strengths too. Ask yourself: What is going well right now? What am I happy with? What strengths do I already have that I can use to improve the things I want to improve?

– Think of the growth curve as a series of upticks and plateaus. I’ve noticed after a period of intense personal growth I need a period of rejuvenation. You might prefer to think of this as planting seeds before waiting for the flowers to bloom. Growth is like the seasons: spring and summer are times of fertile growth, and then autumn and winter are necessary fallow time for recuperation and rejuvenation before the next growth cycle begins. The times you are not actively “growing” are just as important and necessary as times when you are. Ask yourself: how can I become more conscious of my own growth spurts and plateaus?

– Focus on the journey, not the destination. There is no destination. Well, there is, and it’s death. Until then, everything is the journey. Life is not what happens at some point in the future when we’ve lost 10 pounds or won that promotion or found the love of our lives, life is happening right now. This very second! Focus on falling in love with the process, rather than the outcome (this is another big lesson I took from The Entrepreneur’s Inner World). Ask yourself: How can I learn to love the journey?

– If you don’t like something, do something about it (from a place of self-kindness). There comes a point when we’ve done enough reading and talking about what we want to change and the only thing left to do is take action. Staying in the reading/talking phase only leads to frustration (and usually those “not enough” feelings—see how this is all interlinked?) Doing this from a place of self-kindness means making the changes as easy as possible, being honest with yourself about what’s working and what’s not. For me, this kind of transparency and accountability is an important part of self-kindness, when it’s done from a positive and loving place. It’s not easy to practice, but it’s a necessary part of becoming who I am.

How do you balance self-acceptance vs. self-improvement?

Further reading: A useful framework for personal growth & The surprising lesson we can all learn from Japanese pottery

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8 Lies It’s Time to Stop Telling Ourselves Each Day

This is a guest post by Lynne McLean Brown.

Not so long ago, I believed that I didn’t have time for my dreams and goals.  I treated myself like the least valuable person in my family. Ironically, I was extremely valuable, as I was focusing solely on what everyone else around me needed.

I became depressed and was hit with the realisation that seeing the people I cared for grow and succeed was awesome, but just wasn’t enough.  Making myself a priority was incredibly hard to learn but it has made me happier and more fulfilled.

We tell ourselves lies every day, things that add to the stack of pressure on our shoulders. We sometimes disguise these lies as being motivational or the harsh truths of real life. I put together a list of thoughts, of lies I think we all tell ourselves. Do you recognise any of them in yourself?

I Can’t Do This

When things are incredibly hard we often feel like we cannot go on, life feels too difficult.  The chances are you probably are doing the very thing you tell yourself you can’t do, all the while telling yourself you can’t do it. Am I being clear?

Anything is possible, you are a lot stronger than you think you are.  I am guessing you have overcome many challenges and do so every day.

Do you recognise these challenges, whether they’re big or small? Imagine how you would feel and act if you were unable to tell yourself “I can’t do this.”

Nice People Put Others First

This was a well-played tune in my mind for a long time and I think becoming a mum really gave it wings. After all, I was in charge of looking after someone who was completely dependent on me.

If you have ever taken a flight then you’ll know the safety announcement tells you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is no different outside the plane, you need to make sure your own needs are met before you can begin to help someone else.  Supporting others is hard work so if you are looking after someone, you need to be looking after yourself too.

What does looking after yourself look like to you? What replenishes and excites you? How often do you put these activities off to support others?

If Only I Had More Time

If it is important to you then you will make time for it. Nobody died of starvation because they didn’t have the time to feed themselves. It’s our beliefs about what is important that govern whether we have the time for something.

You are important, your dreams, goals, interests and views are all valid. Make these things as important as feeding yourself. You thrive when you are happy and fulfilled, and you deserve that.

Next time you tell yourself there isn’t enough time, can you notice it? Is it true, can you question it in that moment?

I Need To Get It Together

Nobody has everything figured out. We are all feeling our way along and trying to make the best of this life. No-one has the answers and what is good for one person isn’t good for the next. Find out what works for you and live it. When it no longer works for you change it. There is something pretty reassuring about knowing that none of us has a clue what we are doing. You are doing fine, in fact, I’d bet you are doing great.

What are you doing really well? How does it feel when you focus on your successes?

I should be doing something

This one often pops up when we take a break or are doing anything that isn’t considered fun or work.  Unless your house is on fire, chances are most things you think you should be doing can wait a little while. A lot of what we tell ourselves is urgent usually isn’t.

Do nothing for a little while, this can take some practice if you’re not used to it. Give doing nothing as much attention as you do to the thought that you should be doing something.

How do you feel when you do nothing? Are you able to sit and simply be in the moment?

I Can’t Do X, People Will Judge Me

A friend once told me a lovely story about her Grandmother and it has always stuck with me. My friend was getting ready to go out and she asked her gran how she looked, she was worried about what judgements people would make of her outfit. Her gran’s reply was “No one is looking at you.”

My friend’s gran wasn’t being unkind she was telling her granddaughter that no one was going to be as critical of her as she was of herself in that moment.

How often do you think about what others will think of what you say and do? Guess what, everyone else thinks about this as often as you do. No one is looking at you, they are all worried about what everyone else thinks of them.

Can you imagine how you would feel and react if you didn’t consider how others would judge you?

I should be satisfied with what I have

You know the thought, the one that tells you so many people have it worse than you. The one that brings back the memory of your parents telling you there are starving children in Africa when you wouldn’t eat your broccoli.

It is true that there are people who have things much worse than you. This doesn’t mean you should stop trying to make life better for yourself or deny yourself what you want or need. If you are not satisfied with how your life is, that is ok. You can do something about it. You don’t have to make the best of it.

Be honest with yourself, are you satisfied? It is ok to say no.  What would do you wish was better or different?

Things will never change

The fact is that things change all the time, every second, especially in the modern world.  There are very few things you cannot change.  It may be difficult or scary but you can change what you do and how you live.  You can mess it up today and start again fresh tomorrow.  You can change whenever you like, that’s one of the fun things in life.

If you are telling yourself that things will never change, what things are they? Are these things really fixed and unchangeable, or is it that they feel fixed rather than actually being so?

We can create a kinder truth for ourselves. What we believe is subjective and therefore the truth can be whatever we want it to be. It isn’t always easy to change what we believe about ourselves but it is possible and so very worth it.

About Lynne

[image error]Lynne is a Scottish-born life coach and writer currently living in Southwest Norway with her husband and two children. She loves baking, travel, yoga, music and hiking in the Norwegian and Scottish countryside.

Website, Facebook, Twitter

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Image: Ornella Binni

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The Lure of Spiritual Bypassing (and How to Stop)

This week, I want to talk about something that is a plague—yes, that bad!—on the personal growth world: spiritual bypassing. If you’re not familiar with the term (I only recently discovered there was a name for this), here’s a couple of examples:

Millicent and Violet are talking about Millicent’s uncle, who is homophobic and hostile towards Millicent about her sexuality. Millicent is unsure whether to attend a family barbecue her uncle will also be attending because she finds his behaviour unpleasant and upsetting. Violet claims her uncle is in her life to teach Millicent her greatest lessons in patience and tolerance. She says going to the barbecue and engaging with him will be good for her personal growth. As she reminds Millicent: “The fact his behaviour bothers you is about you, not about him.”
Debra’s husband dies in a car accident at the age of 32. While visiting her a few weeks later, one of her friends tells her to have hope for the future because “this is all part of God’s plan.”

If you’ve been around the personal growth world any amount of time, you’ll have seen these kinds of responses delivered and even encouraged. I’ve been thinking about this lately because, although it’s a behaviour I find annoying in other people, I’ve noticed my own susceptibility to doing it too (the saying that the things we find most annoying in others are things we do ourselves? So true). And I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to respond uncomfortable feelings or experiences by dismissing them with a faux-enlightened platitude. Nor do I want to be swayed from my own feelings by other people attempting to do the same.

What is spiritual bypassing?

Psychotherapist Robert Masters describes spiritual bypassing as “The use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs.” As Dr Masters explains, “Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow elements, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.”

Psychologist Ingrid Clayton emphasises spiritual bypassing is a subtle but effective defence mechanism. She writes, “Spiritual bypass shields us from the truth, it disconnects us from our feelings, and helps us avoid the big picture. It is more about checking out than checking in—and the difference is so subtle that we usually don’t even know we are doing it.”

These explanations ring true. Even though I have almost a decade’s experience working with emotional support (or, despite knowing better, because of this), I hear someone talk about a challenge or issue and I want to help. I want them to feel better, partly for them but partly because seeing them in pain feels uncomfortable for me. At these times, I have to bite my tongue to stop myself coming out with one of the pithy platitudes that annoy me when I hear them from other people. Witnessing someone else’s pain requires a vulnerability that can be uncomfortable at times and part of me aches to jump in and try to rescue them.

I know I’m not alone in this: spiritual bypassing is a real problem in the personal growth movement. It shows up in quick-fix “inspirational quotes” that try to summarise a complex issue in a single, pithy statement. It shows up in best-selling books. It shows up in people’s advice to “just be grateful.” It shows up in self-prescribed gurus who, according to their PR stories, suffered from depression and anxiety until they woke up one day, realised they didn’t have to feel negative feelings anymore and—shazam!—the negative feelings went away.

Some of these quotes, books, and people are convincing. And some of the ideas and tools they share can be useful for examining stories, patterns, and behaviours that are outdated and no longer serve us. They don’t, however, offer the be-all-and-end-all solution. As tempting as it is to believe there is one thing out there that will relieve all our uncomfortable feelings and experiences, the simple truth is: there isn’t.

Why spiritual bypassing hurts us

Spiritual bypassing hurts us because it’s based on avoidance and repression. It’s like band-aiding a wound that needs to be stitched, or holding up a gushing arm, teeth gritted, and saying “Cut? What cut?”

The idea we can “cure” ourselves of negative thoughts and feelings is where the problem begins. Negative thoughts and feelings serve a purpose. Part of this purpose is evolutionary. Our ancestors needed to be alert to certain threats and dangers to survive and we are still hard-wired to do the same. Part of this purpose is also based on the present. Our negative thoughts and feelings alert us to things in our life that are not working. That might be a racist uncle. It might be the fact you’re grieving a significant loss, or that there are changes you’re ready to make in your life.

These feelings make up an important part of what I call our internal GPS–our intuition. This is our felt sense of the world based on previous experiences, our beliefs, and information we have registered on an unconscious level. Our intuition doesn’t always reflect the truth, but it’s always worth paying attention to.

Spiritual bypassing is like driving to a particular destination with the belief that turning left is the unenlightened choice and therefore we won’t do it. If each time the GPS tells us to turn left, we say “Oh, you don’t really mean that,” we’re very unlikely to end up where we want to go. Negative feelings and thoughts are the “turn left” of our internal GPS. When we engage in spiritual bypassing, we throw our internal GPS off course.

As well as ignoring vital signals, spiritual bypassing ignores an important truth: we can’t pick and choose only the good feelings. As Brené Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” Experiencing negative feelings and thoughts is part of being human. And it makes the sweeter moments even sweeter.

The alternative to spiritual bypassing

The alternative to spiritual bypassing is simple–not easy, but simple. It is to feel our feelings across the spectrum. To live as though every emotion were acceptable, with none being better or worse than the other. To accept all feelings are temporary, this too shall pass, and none of our emotional experiences are wrong or forbidden, they are what they are.

It also involves acknowledging what Walt Whitman writes about in Leaves of Grass: “We are large, we contain multitudes.” We’re allowed to have conflicting feelings about ourselves, our experiences and the world. Feelings matter and every emotion is acceptable (even those that are usually seen as not). You are allowed to have your feelings: the good, the bad, the glad, the mad, and the ugly.

Finally, it involves acknowledging our feelings in responses to situations that aren’t about us. The times when we feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone. The times we want to shut down their pain because we feel uncomfortable witnessing it. This requires a degree of mindfulness that, I believe, we can only cultivate through practice. This comes from being willing to sit, listen and be instead of do time and time again.

Spiritual bypassing is insidious. I can think of times people have told me I should feel good about something I don’t feel good about and I’ve capitulated, doubting myself even though I know deep down my feelings are valid. As I mentioned above, I’ve also been on the other side of this equation, even though I know better. After learning more about this topic, I’m even more convinced of the importance of embracing all feelings and giving other people space to do the same. What do you think?

Further reading: How to cultivate a healthy relationship with anger & Real talk time: feeling envy is OK

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out my Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

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Goodbye, May

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links.

[image error] A huge thank you to all my Patreon supporters this month. I appreciate your continued support! If you enjoy Becoming Who You Are and would like to help support the site and the work I do here, I am offering special perks and rewards for patrons so please check out my Patreon page.

Hello! How are you at the end of this fine month? May has been a biggie on this end. After staying put for a while to welcome tiny human into the world, we’ve moved to Girona, Spain for the summer. It’s is gorgeous here, you guys. Beautiful architecture and a lovely pace of life (we are rocking the family siestas).

As well as the move—which was no small feat—I had a fun conversation about self-compassion with Tiina from Illumiations with Tiina and Fi (they also did a lovely mention of my book, From Coping to Thriving), and shared some thoughts about the importance of journaling self-reflection for this article on cultivating an abundance mindset. I’m also making slow but steady progress with the self-kindness book. It’s gone through several iterations in the last 18 months and I think I’ve finally found a structure and focus I’m happy with (phew!). Thank you to everyone who submitted a response to the survey I shared last month. Unless I hit any major bumps in the writing process, I hope to share more with you about the book soon. Let’s get to this month’s review…

10 Questions for you

May

What three words would you use to sum up this month?
What delighted you in May?
What would you do differently if you had a May do-over?
What frustrated you this month? How are you going to change that in June?
Describe three special moments you treasure from this month?
Bonus: what did you read/watch/listen to this month?

June

What three words would you like to sum up your June?
If you had 5% more belief in yourself next month, what would you do differently?
What would you like to learn more about in June?
How do you plan to have fun in June?
How are you going to make June the best month of 2017 yet?

Articles of the Month

Those things by which we get embarrassed
The simple questions that can improve symptoms of depression
The ‘untranslatable’ emotions you never knew you had
How to get what you want (it’s a lot easier than you think)
Why self-compassion works better than self-esteem
What do grown children owe their terrible, abusive parents?
100 questions to spark conversation and connection
To stay married, embrace change
5 questions that will make you emotionally strong

Quote of the Month

[image error]

“When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity, then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.” —Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

Book of the Month

[image error]The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori describes the effects of being “undermothered;” experiencing your mother as detached, distant or demeaning. This book is part theory, part practice with opportunities for self-reflection on your own experience of your mother and exercises to process this. I’ve found it insightful to read this book from the perspective of being both a daughter and a mother. Jasmin Lee Cori is a compassionate writer who shows a great understanding of how important and complicated the mother-child relationship can be.

I also enjoyed reading this interview of Jasmin by Sandra Pawula from Always Well Within.

Useful Tool of the Month

[image error]“You Feel Like Shit” is an interactive self-care web game/guide that takes you through a series of questions to help you practice. It covers physical and emotional self-care and is great at asking about those things that are so easy to forget (After just three questions, I remembered I needed to take my vitamins and it had been hours since I had a glass of water—win!) It also offers up some useful grounding and exercises for dealing with things like anxiety and practical things we can do if we’re feeling depressed, lonely or or foggy/dissociated.

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

Are you saying sorry when you really mean thank you?
#110: How to overcome the most common obstacles to self-care (podcast)
The benefits of journaling your life (a guest post by Rebecca)
8 health hacks to increase your productivity (a guest post by Sharon)
Bullet Journaling 101: What is bullet journaling?
Bullet Journaling 101: Bullet journaling supplies
Bullet Journaling 101: How to set up a bullet journal
Bullet Journaling 101: Bullet journal spreads

Wishing you a wonderful June! 

 

Image: Miro Dozo

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Bullet Journaling 101: 49 Ideas for Different Page Spreads

Other posts in the Bullet Journaling 101 series:

What Is Bullet Journaling?
Bullet Journal Supplies
How to Set up a Bullet Journal

In this post, I want to share a list of ideas to help you move beyond basic bullet journaling and put your own individual stamp on your journal. I will start by sharing two of my favourite bullet journaling page spreads in more detail, followed by a list of other ideas. Many of the lists I mentioned in this post on lists to make when you need a quick pick-me-up would also make great bullet journal page spreads.

Habit trackers

Each month I choose the habits and regular activities I want to focus on for the next 30 days and create a habit tracker for the month. Turning my notebook to landscape, I create a grid with the dates running horizontally and the habits vertically. Using a dotted notebook, this creates a natural grid where each habit intersects each day. Whenever I complete a habit, I shade in the relevant box.

This kind of tracker gives me a useful visual indicator of how I’m doing with each habit. Looking at the month, I can see which habits I’m racking up and which I need a little more attention (ahem, Spanish and meditation…).

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Project pages

I use these pages for personal and professional projects and find them especially helpful for projects with many moving parts or a deadline. Like everything else in bullet journaling, they are customisable depending on what will be most useful for you: brainstorming, a visual timeline or chart, lists or check boxes. Here’s are two examples of a personal and professional project page. This year, I’m doing a reading challenge and am using my bullet journal to keep track of books I’d like to read and books I’ve read:

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I also use my bullet journal to keep track of work projects, like the Patreon page I set up for Becoming Who You Are:

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Here are 47 other ideas for bullet journaling page spreads:

Physical Health

Fitness goals and milestones
Exercise tracker
Water intake
Healthy eating log
Habit tracker

Emotional Wellbeing

Self-care tracker
Top memories
Gratitude page
Mood tracker
Monthly review
Morning routine page

Home and Finance

Budget
Spending tracker
Monthly bills and expenses tracker
Fitness log
Meal planner
Shopping list
Wishlist
Savings goals
Friends’ and family’s birthdays
Cleaning rota/chore list

Productivity

Waiting for (correspondence, parcels, etc.)
Project timelines and task lists
Yearly and monthly goals
Brain dump pages (writing down everything that’s taking up space in your head)
Someday/maybe project list
A handbag/work bag/changing bag packing list
Planning routine page

Creativity and business

Monthly and annual business reviews
Blog post ideas
Blog post calendar
Artist date planner
Writing log
Project and product ideas
Project calendar
Collaboration ideas

For fun

“To read” and “have read” lists
“To watch” and “have seen” lists
“To listen” and “Listening to” lists
Places to visit list
Secrets of adulthood page
Movie/book ratings and reviews
Travel packing list

Miscellaneous

Life list
A year-long calendar
Book and movie quotes page
“Reminders to self” page

More bullet journal inspiration

As I’m fairly new to bullet journaling, I want to share some of my favourite inspiration with you. I keep my bullet journal simple but the people below turn it into an art form and share stunningly beautiful designs. Here are a few people who create beautiful pages, unique spreads and share lots of journaling-related ideas:

Boho Berry
Tiny Ray of Sunshine
Pretty Prints and Paper

On Instagram:

@bulletjournal
@showmeyourplanner
@Bonjournal_

Do you have any bullet journaling page spread ideas to add to the list above? Share them in the comments!

The post Bullet Journaling 101: 49 Ideas for Different Page Spreads appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Bullet Journaling 101: How to Set up a Bullet Journal

If you enjoy this post on how to set up a bullet journal, check out the other posts in the Bullet Journaling 101 series:

What Is Bullet Journaling?
Bullet Journal Supplies

In part one of this series, we looked at the key principles of bullet journaling. Today, we will put them into action. In this post, I’m sharing a simple guide you can use to set up a bullet journal in the next 10-15 minutes.

Let’s go!

The Key

The first thing you need to do when you set up a bullet journal is create a key. At a minimum, you’ll need symbols for:

Events
Tasks
Appointments (I find it helpful to differentiate between events and appointments so I can see at a glance the difference between a fixed appointment like the dentist and something moveable/optional like going to the cinema)

You should also have some way of showing whether these things are:

Migrated
Scheduled
Complete

It will also be helpful for your key to include symbols to show:

In-progress tasks
Important/urgent tasks
Ideas and inspiration
Things that require more research or exploration

Here’s mine from yesterday’s post (this is very similar to the standard bullet journal key, with a few additions) Again, feel free to copy/adapt it for your own needs:

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The Table of Contents

If you’re using a Leuchtturm 1917 or other notebook with a built in table of contents, leave this blank for now. Otherwise, take the first two pages of your notebook, and designate them as the table of contents. You’ll come back to this and fill it in as you create pages.

The monthly spread

I find it helpful to start with a monthly spread on the next double page as it gives me a birds-eye view of the month. With the month as the header, I write the dates and corresponding days of the week down the left-hand side of the page, then write in any existing appointments or events

On the opposite page, I write a list of projects and to-dos for the month, and upcoming but unscheduled events. It’s worth mentioning I rarely complete all of these tasks. Rather, this is a brain dump area to get everything out of my head and onto the paper. Once I’ve written everything down, I can then look at what’s realistic over the next 30 days and plan accordingly.

I create a new monthly spread at the start of each month, with daily spreads for that month afterwards. You can see what I mean in my table of contents here:

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The daily spread

You can create your daily spread in a few different ways. My preferred way is in the style of a planner. I create a grid over a double page, with one box for each of the seven days of the week, plus an extra box for any notes or things to carry over into the next week. When a new month falls in the middle of the week, I look at which month contains the majority of that week’s days and add the week to that spread. So if the new month started on a Friday, I would still add that week to the previous month. If it started on a Tuesday, I’d add that week’s spread to the next month.

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You can also go day-by-day and simply use as much or as little space as you need for your notes.

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Alternatively, you can use a page per day. This is especially helpful if you want to use your bullet journal as a scheduler too.

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Once you have these pages set up, you can add them to your table of contents. At the beginning of each month, I like to plan out the pages for the month ahead so I can keep them all together in a block (as you can see, I also add a habit tracker and reading/watching/listening list to each month). Although I find this makes finding relevant entries easier, it isn’t necessary as the table of contents will help you navigate between the different sections of your bullet journal.

And that’s it! You’ve started your bullet journal. Before we move on to talking about more advanced bullet journaling tomorrow, let’s look a migration.

Migration

At the end of each week and month, I do a migration. As I mentioned in part one, this involves taking any incomplete tasks from the week or month and making sure they are deleted, scheduled or added to the pool or tasks for the next week/month.

On a side note, I personally have a rule never to migrate a task over two months in a row. If I don’t get to it in that time frame, I either need to reexamine how important it is or, if it is important, why I haven’t taken action.

Making it a habit

Once you’ve started your bullet journal, the next step is to keep it going. Bullet journaling is most helpful when we record and revisit daily, so it’s worth thinking now about how you will make your journal a regular part of your life.

I find it helpful to review certain sections of my journal each day. I also do a mini-migration each week so I can review the week gone by and plan for the week ahead. The end of each month brings a more thorough review and planning session.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post on how to set up a bullet journal. Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing a list of bullet journaling page spreads you can use to make your mark on your journal. For now though, I hope this helps you get started. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when I’ll be sharing 49 ideas for bullet journal spreads. Until then, happy writing!

The post Bullet Journaling 101: How to Set up a Bullet Journal appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Bullet Journaling 101: Bullet Journaling Supplies

Other posts in the Bullet Journaling 101 series:

What Is Bullet Journaling?

Welcome back to bullet journaling 101!In part one of this series, I introduced some of the key principles of bullet journaling. I planned to include this section on bullet journaling supplies in part three but, given it’s around 800 words, I’ve turned it into a dedicated post. So if you don’t share my obsession with stationery and discussions about pens, notebooks and journaling supplies aren’t your thing, feel free to skip this part! I’ll be sharing more next week about how to set up your bullet journal, plus 49 ideas for page spreads.

When I started bullet journaling, I began following the work of several talented journalers (some of whom I’ll share in next week’s post). As inspiring as this was—and looking at different bullet journal layouts on Instagram is my new favourite time sink—I started to wonder whether I needed a craft cupboard’s worth of stationery before I could start bullet journaling “properly.” Which is a great way of not getting started at all (isn’t this the truth for most new experiences in life?). So, in this post, I’m covering the bare bones of what you need to set up your journal. I’ll share a few “nice to have” tools too, but these are optional. You can probably start your bullet journal right now with what you have in your home.

Bullet Journaling Supplies: The basics

In a nutshell, all you need to start your bullet journal is a pen and a notebook. That’s it! Here are a few suggestions based on what I use:

A notebook

My favourite notebook for journaling is the Leuchtturm 1917 A5 hardcover. This has overtaken the Moleskine, my previous favourite for a few reasons. It has nifty extra features, such as a Table of Contents page and archive labels you can stick on the spine once you’ve finished the notebook. I’ve found the pages have less ink bleed than other notebooks like a Moleskine. The Leuchtturm also has two bookmarks instead of just one, which is especially useful for bullet journaling where you have different pages for different topics and projects. I use the dotted notebook as I’ve found this to be most customisable for bullet journaling, however they also come in lined, squared and blank.

As well as the Moleskine and the Leuchtturm, many bullet journalers recommend Rhodia notebooks and the official bullet journal, neither of which I’ve used yet.

A pen

These gel pens from Muji are my pen of choice. Whenever I go into London, I bring home a stationery haul (their blank paperback notebooks are great too). Although this is what I usually write with, I’ve found they aren’t ideal for bullet journaling as the gel takes a while to dry and will smudge if you use a highlighter or coloured pen over the top.

As alternatives to Muji pens, I also like:

Pilot Frixion. These pens are perfect for bullet journaling too as they are erasable.
Faber Castel Pitt artist pens. These are perfect for creating strong grids, lines, doodles, and similar, however I don’t enjoy writing with them.
A fountain pen: To me, writing with a fountain pen feels special. I use the Platinum Preppy, which is £2.55 on Amazon and is brilliant quality for the price. Another pen I’ve seen recommended in multiple places but haven’t tried yet is the Lamy Safari.

Bullet journaling supplies: The optional “nice to have” extras

A ruler. This is useful for creating dividers, grids, boxes, titles… you name it
Correction fluid. Mistakes happen and a page filled with crossings out and scribbles isn’t easy to read.
Washi tape. I don’t use this myself but it’s a popular way to add decoration to bullet journals.
Brush pens. Another decorative tool. These are useful if you want to add lettering to your bullet journal without using fauxligraphy. I like the Tombow Dual Brush pen in black (which has a brush nib at one end and a fine printing nib at the other). The Faber-Castel Pitt brush pen, which has a smaller and easier-to-manage brush nib than the Tombow, is also good, especially if you’re new to lettering like me.
Coloured pens for colour-coding, highlighting, etc. Handy tip: you can also blend coloured Tombow brush pens without ruining the individual nib colours.
Stickers. Like washi tape, stickers can be decorative. You can also get stickers for common page headings (like these) so you don’t have to write out the headings each time.

So that’s a supplies list for starters. As you can probably see, much of this is down to personal preference. If you’re stumbling through a haze of “where do I begin?” though, I hope this helps point you in the right direction—even if that’s to the notebook and pen sitting right in front of you! Happy writing :)

What are your favourite bullet journaling supplies? Are there any you absolutely can’t do without? Leave a comment and let us know!

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Bullet Journaling 101: What is Bullet Journaling?

In the next few posts, I want to talk about a type of journaling I’ve recently discovered: bullet journaling. As I talk about in The Ultimate Guide to Journaling, I believe there is no “right” way to journal. Journaling is whatever you want it to be. This is the same with bullet journaling; you have the framework and freedom to make it your own. It’s a way to keep track of your professional and personal lives, ideas, notes, inspiration and much more. So what is bullet journaling? In the next couple of posts, I’m going to give a basic introduction to bullet journaling 101.

I’ve been using bullet journaling almost every day since November and it’s helped keep me both sane and semi-organised. With a baby, I rarely have time for my usual morning pages. On days when I have 10 minutes here and there, I need a system that’s built for speed, brevity, and enables me to see what’s on my agenda at a glance. Also, the struggle is real with baby brain! I can’t rely on myself to remember anything (down to the level of “Why did I just come into this room again?”). Having a bullet journal helps me get everything out of my head and onto paper, which is much more reliable, frees up the mental energy I would spend worrying about whether I’ve remembered everything I need to, and generally makes life less stressful.

I’ve also been using my bullet journal to experiment with other kinds of journaling. Inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project, I’ve started a list of “Secrets of Adulthood”—small truths about life that seem obvious but usually require constant reminders. I’ve also incorporated a log of what I’m reading, watching and listening to each month, a mood journal and a habit tracker.

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s return to the basics: what is bullet journaling all about? I’m no bullet journaling expert but I’ve enjoyed using this kind of journaling so much I wanted to create a simple introduction and share it with you today. There’s a lot to talk about so I’m breaking this bullet journaling 101 series into four parts:

What is bullet journaling? (that’s this post!). A quick overview of what it is, where it came from, why it’s useful and some of the key principles
Getting started with bullet journaling. A simple guide to starting your first bullet journal, what you need, the best notebook to use, and how to structure your first few pages so you can start using it right now.
Going beyond the basics. Bullet journaling comes with endless possibilities and in this post I’ll share some of the ways you can customise your journal and a few ideas for more advanced bullet journaling
49 ideas for different page spreads. I’ll share some of my favourite ideas for bullet journaling page spreads to get you started (not sure what these are? Keep reading!)

For now, let’s start with a basic question:

What is bullet journaling?

The official bullet journaling website describes bullet journaling as “an analogue system for the digital age.” It’s essentially a personal organisation system that combines several functions into one. Your bullet journal can be your planner, your journal, a place to record notes and ideas, a sketchbook, and more. The idea is to allow you to capture ideas and notes quickly and succinctly. Because you decide on the structure, you can customise it any way you please.

The system was created by Ryder Carroll, a designer from New York. It’s now used by thousands (millions?) of people around the world and you can find communities for bullet journaling enthusiasts all over the internet.

What is bullet journaling helpful for?

Your bullet journal becomes one place to capture everything. Rather than doing this in a haphazard way, though, you organise your notes into different “modules.” Bullet journals focus on speed and clarity. A good journal makes it quick to record what you want to record and easy to keep track of to-dos and appointments at a glance.

In its most basic form, a bullet journal gives you a quick-reference overview of your day, week and month, plus notes and appointments for the future. It allows you to capture to-dos, notes, observations and those little nagging thoughts that can take up a surprising amount of mental space and energy.

The key elements of bullet journaling

In the next post, I’ll give you a step-by-step guide to setting up your journal for the first time. For now, let’s dive a little deeper into the magic of bullet journaling and look at the key elements.

The Key

The key is a set of symbols that enables you to mark entries visually for quick reference. Here are the basic symbols:

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For each symbol, you can also mark an entry in progress (a diagonal line) or complete (a cross). Here’s what this looks like in action. This is an example of a weekly spread; you can see how I use the symbols from the key as a visual reference:

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Beyond the basics of appointments, tasks, etc., you can use symbols to represent other information about individual entries too, such as whether they are important, ideas, or need to be resolved. These are called signifiers within the bullet journaling system.

Modules

Modules are the different kinds of pages you can add to your bullet journal. In this post, I’ll share the basic modules and you can check out part four in this series for more ideas and inspiration beyond these.

1. The index: Your index is a table of contents. Each time you start a new module, you’ll come back here and add it to your index so you can find it quickly.

2. The monthly log: You can set up a monthly log in different ways. The bullet journal website suggests creating a calendar and a task list across facing pages like this:

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This gives you an overview of what’s coming up in the month. It also helps you keep track of how you’re doing with tasks and projects due during the month. If you have any unfinished tasks left over at the end of the month, you shift them to the next month during your monthly migration (this is another element of bullet journaling we’ll look at below).

A quick note about entries: the idea is to make them as brief and actionable as possible. So rather than writing “Take letters to the post office” you would write “Post letters.” Short and sweet is hard to beat.

3. The daily log: This is what you use on a day-to-day basis. The key enables you to enter and view tasks, events and appointments quickly. The traditional daily log set up involves writing the date then use as much space as you need for that day’s items before moving on to the next day. Personally, I prefer to create week’s worth of daily logs across facing pages so I have a planner-style overview (as shown in the second image above).

4. The future log: The future log is where you collect future to-dos, appointments, and potential tasks, projects and ideas. Ryder suggests creating a four-page spread with six months on each page like this:

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I prefer doing this on a month-by-month basis. At the end of each month’s set-up (I share more about this in the next post), I dedicate a page to the following month. All future-related entries go here. I also include a small box on that month’s project page so I can quickly capture any ideas for the next month as I’m creating that month’s task list too. When I do my monthly migration, I review everything on these two pages and designate it accordingly. Some items go into next month’s spread, some of the items are relegated to my someday/maybe projects page, etc. It’s a quick way to capture thoughts and ideas that aren’t relevant right now but might be in the future. By writing them in my future log, I can review them at the end of the month and decide where they belong in my life.

Migration

If the elements above are the building blocks of bullet journaling, migration is the glue that binds them all together and makes your bullet journal system work.

The main migration point is at the end of the month when you review your tasks, ideas and notes from the previous month. You also identify any that are outstanding. For these tasks, you can either delete them with a strikethrough if they’re no longer relevant, schedule them into your monthly calendar or migrate them to the tasks page. Remember those symbols from the key? These will give you quick reference guide to which tasks are moving forward to the next week and those already scheduled.

I also like doing this in miniature at the end of each week (or each day, if I’m busy). By reviewing my tasks from the last seven days and migrating or scheduling as necessary, I can make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

In summary, the focus is on speed and clarity, both when making notes and when reviewing them. Every task, to-do and idea has a place. At the end of each week or month, it’s either migrated, deleted, scheduled or done.

Phew! So there you have it: an introduction to the basics of bullet journaling. If you’re still with me, thank you and I hope this has been helpful!

Do you keep a bullet journal? If so, are there any basics you’d add to the above? Leave a comment and let me know!

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8 Health Hacks To Increase Your Productivity

For many people in the modern workplace, it can feel like there are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Between work, family, friends, exercise, down time, and getting sleep every night, it can feel like you need to sacrifice certain parts of your life. This is not the case if you can follow some simple health hacks to increase your productivity. You’ll find yourself with more than enough time to get everything done that you need to do, and by 5pm you’ll be able to leave the office and have a more active social life.

1. Set Reasonable Goals

When you’re wading through all the work you need to do, it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can feel swamped and you can feel like you will never quite finish the work that’s piling up around you. One way to start feeling on top of everything to do, and feeling a sense of accomplishment, is to set reasonable goals. Once you meet that goal, you’ll be able to see just how much you’ve managed to get done, and you’ll be able to stay focused on work while you work towards it.

2. Add Happy Food To Your Diet

Junk food can, quite frankly, make you feel like junk. While sugars and carbs may leave you with a high for a little while, you will soon find yourself crashing, and be low on energy for the rest of the day. To improve your energy levels and concentration, you should be sure to drink plenty of water, snack on fruits and vegetables, and cut out processed food. You’ll be able to get a lot more done when your brain is benefitting from omega oils, such as those found in tuna or salmon.

3. Be Offline For A Little Every Day

When you have your phone in your hand, you can be contacted by everyone through all kinds of forums. Take some time every day away from all technology and just reconnect. Forget about everyone else, focus on who you are and what you are doing, and assess your priorities. When you get back online, you’ll have a much better idea of what you need to do, and be energised about accomplishing it.

4. Write every day

Writing has long been recognised as an amazing way to gather your thoughts and move on from something difficult. While adding this into your daily routine may seem counter productive, as it is just another thing you need to find time for, the opposite is the case. Writing down how you feel helps you identify what matters to you and what brings you down. Once you know this, you can start to make changes to your life that will clear your mind and leave you with more free time. Also, clearing your mind every day will help you to focus while at work, and get through tasks a lot quicker.

5. Make To Do Lists

Establish what you need to do in a day, and stick to that plan. It’s actually very healthy to learn to say no sometimes. Don’t feel like you are being weak by stating that you are unable to take something else on – instead be realistic. If your boss doesn’t realise that they’re giving you too much work, then they won’t have any reason to stop giving you so much. Look at your to do list, stay focused on it, and don’t get distracted by other things, and you will find yourself much more productive.

6. Learn From Your Mistakes

Dwelling on past mistakes takes up a whole lot of time. It is much more productive to assess what went wrong in a scenario, learn from it, and then move on. Don’t repeat your mistakes or spend time on the past.

7. Throw Out Your Ideas Of Perfect

Accept your imperfection. Stressing about getting every last aspect of your life completely perfect is time-consuming, and never-ending, as it is an impossible pursuit. Be happy with the elements of your life that are great without being perfect, and focus on the positive. Wasting negative energy on the things you can’t change just leave you so tired that you can’t concentrate on the things you can work on.

8. Be Nice To Be Nice

Random acts of kindness go a long way. Not only do they make other people feel good, but they can make you feel better too – especially when you don’t share it. Knowing that you’ve done a good thing is enough to put a spring in your step and feel ready to take on the day.

Being productive doesn’t take talent, instead it’s a result of choices entirely in your power. Choose to follow these health hacks, and you will be more productive in no time.

About Sharon

[image error]Sharon Conwell has been a content manager and ghost writer at over 20 online projects, now she is a part-time educator and an editor at http://bigassignments.com/. She’s specializing at content creation and optimization. She loves coffee, tulips and her Shih Tzu named Bobby. Feel free to contact her on LinkedIn .

Would you like to submit a guest post to Becoming Who You Are? I’d love to hear from you! Check out the guidelines here. 

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