Hannah Braime's Blog, page 10

How to Practise Digital Mindfulness and Focus on What Matters

Hi, friends! Today’s post and podcast comes from a reader email about a situation I’m guessing most of us can relate to: how to cultivate digital mindfulness, spend less time on social media, and more time on happy-making things that matter. I’ll share this reader’s email, then offer a few suggestions I’ve found helpful for cultivating more digital mindfulness (full disclosure: this is very much a work in progress for me).

This ended up becoming a mammoth post, so I’ve split it in two. In this post, I’m sharing some of the emotion-focused aspects of this issue. Throughout the week, I’ll also be sharing practical tips I’ve found helpful for being more mindful online on Patreon. This part will be available for patrons only and you can access it by becoming a supporter of Becoming Who You Are for just $1+ a month. Your support helps me keep this site running. To say thank you, I’m also offering supporters bonus podcasts, extra content, access to all BWYA books and courses, coaching, and more.

“There’s one challenge I’m struggling with which is letting my email inbox and social media feeds run my life and swallow up my free time. I know you can’t wave a magic wand but I wonder if you had any ideas, for example about putting boundaries around screen-time, or prioritising all the happy-making stuff which I keep running out of time for like spending time in nature and connecting with friends. I’ve very recently heard about Time Well Spent (http://www.timewellspent.io) which has helped me recognise how much this behaviour is costing me and how it’s become hardwired into my daily habits.”

Thanks for your question, I hear you on this one. As someone who works online, I understand all too well the benefits and the potential pitfalls of technology and our digital habits. While our digital lives bring us connection, pleasure, and opportunities we wouldn’t otherwise have, they can also be a source of concern, regret, frustration, and self-recrimination—not to mention a big old time sink.

A phrase that stood out in your message was “letting email and social media feeds run my life and swallow up my free time.” It sounds like you feel like your digital life controls you, not the other way around. This leaves me wondering if social media and email have become ways of meeting your needs that have taken on a life of their own and become habits that doesn’t serve you.

I consider technology to be in the same camp as something like food. They are both necessary for participation in our modern world (or, with food, survival in any world). But our use of them can slip across the line from “pleasurable” into “emotional crutch” without us being aware. This is why cultivating digital mindfulness is crucial. Like all habits, those that revolve around our digital lives follow three steps:

Trigger -> Action -> Reward

Here, the trigger is some kind of feeling or experience. The action is social media and email (over)use. The reward (in the short-term, anyway) is a sense of comfort and familiarity, either through numbing out or through trying to pursue a desired feeling. Noticing and understanding each of these steps is the key to changing them, so let’s look at them in more detail.

Trigger, Action, Reward

I’ve noticed there are two underlying motivations behind my lack of digital mindfulness: avoiding feelings and pursuing feelings. These are the triggers, the things that spark the habitual behaviour of checking email, clicking over to Facebook, or mindlessly scrolling through whatever I’m looking at.

It’s hard to sit with ourselves without distraction. When we get home and aren’t sure what to do next, reaching for our phone, checking our email, etc. becomes a way of not having to deal with our own company. Why do we avoid spending time with ourselves? I think it’s partly to do with what might come up if we did: our fears, our current dissatisfactions, our worries and anxieties, our joys and gratitudes. All these things are uncomfortable to sit with in their own way. The more challenging experiences are uncomfortable for obvious reasons, but within joy and gratitude lies a sense of vulnerability too.

I don’t think the answer to this is to plan out our time with a rigid schedule. Instead, I’ve found it helpful to get curious about what and why I might be avoiding. For me, it’s often the feeling I need to be doing more. Sitting still and simply being isn’t “productive” enough. Reaching for my phone gives me the illusion I’m doing something productive because I’m at least doing something (even though I know the opposite is true). Rather than distracting ourselves, we benefit in the long term if we can sit with our moment-to-moment experience, whatever that looks like.

An acronym I find helpful to remember is HALT: stop what I’m doing and ask: am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? And, if not, what discomfort am I feeling? Turning to our devices or scrolling through Facebook might feel like it’s numbing those feelings in the short term, but it’s only covering them up. Because we’re not addressing the actual need (i.e. being hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or whatever else we’re feeling), that need is still there. Distracting ourselves is likely to only leave us feeling worse.

Identifying the needs behind our actions

Pursuing feelings and needs is the second motivation behind my digital habits. I want to feel connected to people, so I log on to Facebook to see if I have any notifications and to check out what other people are up to. I want to feel valued and needed and seeing new emails in my inbox provides a short-term ego hit.

While Facebook can be a source of connection, scanning for new notifications and lurking rather than engaging doesn’t give us that (in fact, according to this study, it’s terrible for our mental health). Moreover, there are a million better ways I can reassure myself about my place in this world than checking my inbox. Once we’ve identified what needs we’re pursuing through our digital distractions, we want to respond to our needs in a way that will fulfil them. This involves identifying activities that, for example, meet our need for connection (calling up a friend, impromptu coffee date, reaching out to someone we haven’t seen for a while, etc.)

One of my favourite resources for identifying needs is the Needs Inventory from the Centre for Non-Violent Communication. If you’re struggling to identify what you’re needing, use this list to hone in on the words that resonate and describe your experience.

This is the first, and most important step, to identify the trigger -> action -> reward cycle. What is happening when we turn to our devices? What are we feeling? What thoughts are happening? In which situations are we most likely to engage in mindless consumption? Once we’ve identified these things, we can move on to changing the different parts of this pattern to things that are more satisfying.

Changing the habit and creating digital mindfulness

Changing our level of digital mindfulness requires changing the way we respond to discomfort. Rather than feeling some kind of unidentifiable restlessness and turning to our phones, we want to change our response to one of questioning and awareness: what’s this restlessness about? How am I feeling right now? What am I hoping to gain from doing this? What need am I trying to meet? Turning our attention away from distractions and coping mechanisms and focusing on our core needs is something I talk about more in my book, From Coping to Thriving.

If, like the reader who emailed, you have a list of “happy-making” activities that are getting pushed back by their digital life, make a list of these and what needs each activity meets. If you don’t have this list, create one (you can download a free worksheet for this at the bottom of this post). Think about how you’d like to spend your time if you weren’t getting bogged down in email and social media. Put this list somewhere you can see it. Next time you notice you’re slipping into/have slipped into the digital habit default behaviour, stop, get clear on what you’re needing, and choose a happy-making activity that meets that need instead.

This process is simple, but it takes effort—especially if the habit is ingrained. The good news is there are simple hacks and changes we can use to make this shift much easier for ourselves. Next week, I’ll share some of the practical changes I’ve made that have helped me deepen my digital mindfulness.

What have you found helpful for cultivating more digital mindfulness in a connected world? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The post How to Practise Digital Mindfulness and Focus on What Matters appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

When Empathy Goes Wrong: Emotional & Identical Resonance

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We all know empathy is important. It’s good for our relationships, important for our mental health, and helps us feel more connected to the world and ourselves. I know many Becoming Who You Are readers (and me!) are involved in or pursuing caring professions out of a desire to help other people. But is it possible to have too much empathy?

In this post, I want to talk about two concepts I found super helpful as someone who a) wants to be a good, supportive listener, and b) is sensitive to how other people are feeling (that doesn’t mean I’m always sensitive—I’m capable of being insensitive too! Rather, I usually have a good sense of when someone is happy/relaxed/uncomfortable/sad/genuine etc.). In There Is No Good Card For This: What to Say and Do When Life is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Emily McDowell and Kelsey Crowe, the authors talk about the difference between emotional resonance and identical resonance, two experiences that are similar but lead to very different results.

The difference between emotional resonance and identical resonance

“We also have to feel for that person. This is what emotions expert Dr. Paul Ekman calls EMOTIONAL RESONANCE, and it is not to be confused with “identical resonance,” where someone feels the exact thing as someone else. That person’s support would be highly unhelpful. If you see someone’s hand on fire, for example, and feel your hand burn just as intensely, then your capacity to fetch some ice and treat your friend is greatly diminished, because you’re focusing on your own flaming hand.”

— From There is No Good Card for This

When we think of empathy, we usually think of emotional resonance: being able to understand how someone is feeling and appreciate what it could be like to walk in their shoes. But, as we can see from the quote above, that’s not where the story ends. It sounds counter-intuitive, but true empathy comes with a degree of emotional distance. 

We can witness someone else’s feelings without becoming merged with them ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t have an emotional response to their situation or what they’re sharing. It might move us to tears, it might evoke feelings of sadness or anger within us. But that is our own emotional response, which differs from taking on the emotions of the person we’re empathising with.

What causes identical resonance?

One thing that can lead to identical resonance rather than emotional resonance is we have similar unhealed or unprocessed trauma around a similar situation. If someone is talking about a situation that triggers unresolved feelings or trauma from our own lives, it will be difficult for us to truly empathise with them without experiencing identical resonance. We might also struggle with boundaries: to feel connected to someone, we lose the psychological separation that marks us as a different individual.

This is why (good) therapy training courses focus on personal growth and self-awareness as much as actual counselling skills, and it’s also why I’m generally not a fan of co-counselling (where you take turns having counselling “sessions” with peers). We don’t know what we don’t know and identical resonance isn’t something we can control if we’re not conscious of our own feelings, experiences, and unresolved issues (or trying to be aware as much as possible). Although it’s a cliché, it’s true that we need to take care of ourselves first and put on our own oxygen masks before we can help others with theirs.

How to return to emotional resonance

So what can we do if we realise we’re experiencing identical resonance rather than emotional resonance?

1. Awareness

As I just mentioned above, the first step is awareness. Physician, heal thyself :) Many people who are caring and drawn to help others are people who have also experienced trauma, adverse experiences, or painful challenges themselves. While this is an admirable way to turn bad into good, we want to be sure we’re not using our desire to help as a form of spiritual bypassing: focusing on helping others so we don’t have to address our own painful issues, or out of a desire to feel needed in order to prop up feelings of low self-worth.

2. Put on your own oxygen mask first

We can only take other people as far as we’re willing to take ourselves. If we want to be supportive of other people, one of the best things we can do is to sort out our own issues (and do so because we’re worth sorting out, not just because we want to help others too). Own your own story—all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Be your own best friend. Spend time giving love and support to yourself. Become aware of your trigger points.

When I was in counselling training, the tutor told us that part of our development as counsellors was to become aware of which people we wouldn’t take on as clients because of our own situations and histories. These were the people with whom we wouldn’t be able to compartmentalise our feelings in order to hold space for them—right now, anyway. The same applies to us as supportive friends, family members, and spouses. We don’t need to be a superhero and support everyone. It’s the kindest thing for ourselves and the other person to know when it’s time to say: I’m not able to support you with this right now.

3. Resist the urge to problem-solve

There is a third kind of resonance called reactive resonance. In other words, jumping straight into problem-solving mode. “Oh, you have an issue? Let me solve it for you!” As Steven Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Chronic problem-solving can be more disempowering than empowering as it can send the message to the other person: you’re not capable of sorting this out yourself.

In certain contexts, problem-solving has a place and can be more helpful than just nodding and empathising. If someone has a practical issue, for example, and we have the knowledge that could help them resolve it, that’s a time when we can successfully marry emotional resonance with reactive resonance (“Your washing machine flooded your kitchen? Yikes! Have you checked the drainage pipe for blockages?”)

More often than not, though, if we want the other person to feel seen, heard, and understood, we need to show them that we see, hear and understand them first before rushing in with potential solutions.


In most situations, emotional resonance is the most helpful kind of compassion we can offer someone. True empathy requires understanding and awareness of ourselves as much as the other person. It’s also the ability to understand what it’s like to walk in the other person’s shoes without actually joining them in those shoes or trying to fix the shoes for them.

If you’re interested in the different types of compassion, psychologist Paul Ekman has created a fascinating and helpful Taxonomy of Compassion.

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3 Ways to Kick your Indecision

This is a guest post by “Alex” Caroline Robboy.

Are you indecisive? Do even the smallest decisions leave you wracked with anxiety and guilt? Do you sit silently in group texts about dinner, hoping someone else will make the decision for you? At it’s core, indecisiveness is an issue with being true to your authentic self. Fear (of rejection, of guilt, of seeming selfish, of choosing wrong, of being imperfect) all get in the way of pursuing what you really want; of being authentically you.

Here are three ways to tune-in to your gut, abandon indecisiveness and channel your authentic self in decision-making on a day-to-day basis:

1. Elevator test

Try it:

This is good for choosing between a limited number of things. Close your eyes, and imagine you are standing in an elevator. Imagine that when you get to your floor, the right choice (whether it’s a dinner dish, a college, etc) will be waiting for you. When the elevator dings and the doors open, what do you see?

Why it works

Often we already know what we want, but the noise of anxiety/guilt/shame makes it hard to tune-in to our gut. Imagining that the choice has already been made, and revealing it to yourself quickly (the exercise should take about 10 seconds) can help cut through the barrage of messages in your head, and allow you to hear from your authentic self.

90 second flows

Try it:

This can be helpful for larger decisions with amorphous choices. Set a timer on your watch or phone for 90 seconds. When the timer starts, you’ll say phrases that begin “I want ____.” Fill in the blanks with things you want to come as a result of this decision. For example “I want to pay off my debt, I want to be able to go on vacation, I want my parents to be proud of me, etc.” Keep saying “I want” phrases until the timer goes off. Don’t stop to think, just let your mouth run away with you. After the timer has gone off, write down three phrases you said that stuck with you. What answer do they point to?

Why it works

Sometimes fear/guilt/perfectionism can keep us from acknowledging what we really want. By forcing yourself to “flow” through as many “I want” statements as you can in 90 seconds, you can bypass the judgey voices in your head and get straight to the desires of your authentic self.

Reframe your response

Try it:

Authentically decisive people still make mistakes, they just respond differently to them. Instead of beating themselves up, or treating a mistake as evidence that they have poor judgement, an authentically decisive person reframes mistakes as opportunities for growth. Take out a pen and paper and write four positive things you can say to yourself if the choice you make turns out to be imperfect.

Why it works:

Fear of choosing wrong can get between indecisive people and their authentic desires. By making a “back up plan” for handling imperfect choices, you can lower the stakes of choosing, and better access your authentic self.

Try these three tips this week and see if you are able to more quickly make decisions, and tune in to your gut!

“Alex” Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, CSTS, LCSW is the founder and executive director of the Center for Growth Inc / Therapy in Philadelphia. She has 20+ years of experience working with adults and children.

Would you like to guest post for Becoming Who You Are? I’d love to hear from you! Read the guidelines here. 

Photo by Jordan Ladikos on Unsplash

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Goodbye, July

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links.

[image error] Quick update: I’ve added several new rewards to Patreon this month, including new coaching places!

If: a) you’re starting or working on a project and would like accountability and support, or b) you’d like a space to explore how to create more meaning and purpose in your life, navigate big transitions, and figure out where to go from here, I’d love to support you. Both kinds of coaching are accessible wherever you are in the world, whatever your schedule, and have the potential to be life-changing. Find out more here.

Happy end-of-July, folks! How has your month been?

As I here thinking about what to write for this intro, which has become my own personal mini-reflection on the month, I’m finding it hard to think about what to tell you. Truth is, it feels like not that much has happened this month, even though I know it has. I’m finding it hard to point to something and say “This was my July,” even though I’ve been busy, things have been happening, and each day has turned over into the next.

It’s a good reminder that there are times to plant seeds, times to pat the soil (I think?

Then, there are the in-between times, when I’m showing up, doing my thing, and get to the end of the month wondering what I have to show for it. I look at everything that is “in progress” (me, work, life) and feel impatient for it to be done so I can move onto the next thing. But then, I also remember how fast time is going at the moment, how quickly my daughter is growing, and how today I’m younger than I’m ever going to be (hat tip to Regina Spektor for that thought). And I remind myself the in-between times are a necessary part of the journey and maybe not such a bad place to be after all (and, apparently, this is something I need to keep reminding myself about).

So, there, I did find something to tell you :) Where are you in your own plant-grow-harvest cycle at the moment?

10 Questions for you

July

If your July had a theme, what would it be?
What were the highlights of July for you?
What has been the source of most growth for you during July?
What challenged you in July?
What lessons did you learn? What are you taking away from the last month?

August

If you were to create a mantra/intention/reminder for yourself for August, what would it be?
What would make your August truly special?
If you were 5% kinder to yourself this month, what would you do differently?
How can you add more adventure to your life in August?
What is one thing you’ve been meaning to do (and maybe putting off that) you will commit to doing this month?

Articles of the Month

20 Questions: Your Answers May Help You Find the Right Career
Please Stop Telling People to “Let Go” of Their Loss
When to End a Friendship and How to Do it
The Values-Driven Life: Let Go of Your Rules and Live with Purpose
4 Self-Care Techniques that Can Change Your Life
17 Tips for a Mindful Family Vacation
For funsies: Inspirobot!
How to Mindfully Make Important Life Decisions

Quote of the Month

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“You are not what they think,you are what you do.” – via The Daily Stoic

Book of the Month

[image error]I haven’t done much reading the last few weeks, so this month I’m recommending an oldie but a goodie: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I appreciate this book because it’s practical, down to earth, and contains insights and advice that actually work. Braden doesn’t dabble in pseudoscience or tell you to build your confidence by doing pointless activities like planking in public to get over what other people think. Instead, he outlines six foundations for true self-esteem, simple yet effective ideas and mindsets that are accessible to all of us, wherever we’re starting.

You can get a summary of 10 key lessons from the book in the Becoming Who You Are Library and get the book here.

Resource of the Month

[image error]The Creative Confidence Challenge starts 7th August! This free 7-day e-course blends theory, practice, and inspiration to kickstart your creative practice. We’ll cover useful tools and mindset shifts that will help you start—and keep—creating.

The CCC is perfect for you if:

1) You’d like to restart a creative practice that’s fallen by the wayside

2) You’re curious to dabble in more creative pursuits but don’t consider yourself a “creative person”

3) You have a creative practice and would like to add a few useful tools and mindset/perspective shifts around self-doubt, procrastination, and all the other things that stifle our creativity to your toolbox

Each day of the challenge, you’ll get a short and sweet email with that day’s inspiration/lesson. You’ll also have access to our private Facebook group where you can meet other courageous creatives and share your journey.

Register for free here.

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

How to Think About Self-Control in a Judgement-Free Way
8 Beautiful Journals That Will Inspire You to Write
The Surprising Power of Negative Visualisation
5 Quick Self-Care Suggestions You Can Do at Any Time
10 Ways to Calm Anxiety Over an Upcoming Event

Wishing you a wonderful August! 

 

Photo by JC Bonassin on Unsplash

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10 Ways to Calm Anxiety Over an Upcoming Event

At the end of last year, I needed to have surgery. It was minor enough to be a day patient procedure but major enough to require general anaesthetic—the prospect of which freaked me out. Before this point, the most dramatic medical procedure I’d ever experienced was a lumbar puncture when I had meningitis as a child, so the idea of being unconscious while people cut me open left me feeling totally wigged out (hello, control issues). Add to that the fact I had a four-month-old baby (which brings up allll the feels about the uncertainty of life, mortality, the future, and existential joys and fears), and I was anxious about the whole event.

After a few nights of waking up at 2am to feed my daughter, then lying awake until four or five feeling a sense of dread and fear about something that, in my rational mind, I knew wasn’t the almost-certainly-life-threatening event my monkey mind was making it out to be, I knew I had to do something to calm my anxiety.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing this kind of anxiety about upcoming events where much is out of our control. And I know facing these events head-on is part of life. So in this week’s post, I want to share a few of the things I found helpful when thinking about my surgery. Whatever you’re about to face (or might face in the future), I hope they’re helpful for you too:

1. Research

Many of my fears came from the fact I knew nothing about surgery, beyond TV shows where people seemed to randomly stop breathing while under anaesthetic (thanks, Grey’s Anatomy). Learning more about how everything worked and statistics helped give me a far more realistic perspective. This option isn’t for everyone and I know people who find it more comforting to take the “ignorance is bliss” approach, but I prefer to know what I’m facing head on. I will research risks, options, and every aspect of something I’m anxious about until I feel like I have a handle on it. In this case, my research confirmed what my rational mind was telling me: it would be fine, I would be fine, and in a few months I’d look back at the whole event knowing there was nothing to worry about (which is exactly what has happened).

What information are you missing about the source of your anxiety? Where can you find it? Who can you talk to in order to feel more informed?

2. Practise negative visualisation

Although we tend to avoid thinking about the worst that could happen, why not let yourself go there? My worst case scenario was that I would die (yep, really), which was unlikely given it wasn’t major surgery (and, as I knew from my research, the odds were incredibly low anyway). After a couple of weeks of telling myself not to be so melodramatic—which, funnily enough, doesn’t help—I allowed myself to contemplate my worst case scenario without shutting down that train of thought.

Even though it was uncomfortable, it actually helped me feel calmer. The worst case scenario with everything is: we die. And, although dying is a bummer, as Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations, it’s not like we will feel anything or know we’re dead so what is there really to be afraid of? The most useful thing we can do right now is stay in the present and savour what there is to savour.

What is your worst case scenario? Write out everything you think could go wrong and face it.

3. Focus what you can control/not control

Most of the things we tend to dwell on are out of our control. My theory is dwelling on all of these things gives us a false sense of regaining some of that control as though our thoughts (and how long we spend thinking about them) somehow has the power to change them. Of course, this isn’t the case. Focusing on the things we can control is helpful, focusing on the things we have no power over or ability to change, not so much.

When I was focusing on things I couldn’t control pre-surgery, I found I was distracting myself from focusing on the things I could, which was self-defeating. Shifting my focus to the things I had control over helped me feel more at peace about the things I didn’t.

Create two lists: one of everything you can control in this situation and one of everything you can’t control. Are you spending your time focusing on the right list?

4. Do something from your When Life Works list

This is a fundamental part of my self-care because it works. If you haven’t already made a When Life Works list, you can learn more about it and get a free worksheet here.

5. Enjoy the small moments

To borrow a quote from Dani DiPirro, ‘Focus more on what is than what if.” This might seem like it contradicts negative visualisation, but these two things actually work together. Rather than trying to shove away negative thoughts and focus on the positive, give yourself a chance to let them happen. Take what you can from it—an appreciation of the present—then move on to focusing on what is.

What would you do differently if you focused more on what is than what if?

6. Breathe

It’s simple, and it works. Taking nice, slow deep breaths, dropping our shoulders and relaxing any parts of our body we recognise to be tense helps us relax. According to clinical psychologist Marla W. Deibler, slowing our breathing helps take us from fight-or-flight response to the calmer domain of the parasympathetic nervous system. If you think about how being in fight-or-flight mode affects your emotional wellbeing, your physical body, your thinking, and decision-making abilities, calming our breathing has obvious benefits.

Take a big deep breath to the count of five, then exhale all the way to the count of seven. Repeat this 4-5 times and notice the difference in how you feel.

7. Think of times you’ve faced a similar challenge in the past and it’s turned out ok

While nothing might be as anxiety-provoking or as big an obstacle as whatever you’re facing, it’s still helpful to think back to the previous times you’ve encountered uncertainty, doubt, fear, and to think about how you handled them. Not only does this help us look at lessons from the past but it can also bolster our confidence in our ability to handle the future.

When have you faced a similar challenge? What worked? What didn’t? And how can that inform how you approach this event now?

8. Share your fear

On surgery day, as I walked up to the theatre, the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I said I was nervous. He said he understood, he had recently had five (!) surgeries to remove a stubborn kidney stone and everything had been fine each time. Hearing his story reminded me: people do this all the time, I am not alone in what I’m feeling, and more often than not everything goes well.

Who can you share your fear with? And what do you need from them? Reassurance? Understanding? Advice? Have a clear request in mind and go and share.

9. Remember: thinking something doesn’t make it true

Our fears will not inevitably come to pass, even though it feels like they might. When we feel anxiety around something, our feelings can make the worst case scenario feel far more likely to happen than it is in reality. When I notice my thoughts are going off the rails and I’m buying into them as truth, I say in my mind: “This is just a thought. This is just a thought.” It helps take the power out of the thoughts and reminds me they aren’t necessarily true.

10. Explore the beliefs underneath the anxiety

I have noticed I feel more anxious in general since my daughter was born. Part of that comes from having far more responsibility. Part of it is hormones (so many hormones). Part of it also stems from buried beliefs about myself and my life that no longer serve me.

The truth is that right now things are great. Being a mother is far more rewarding, fun and, in some ways, easier than I thought it would be. Things are going well in my relationship, we have exciting plans for the future, I’m in good health (except the reason behind the surgery, which is now A-OK), and I’m slowly finding a balance between parenthood and other aspects of my life and identity that are also important to me.

And while this is all going on, part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the catch. This part struggles to believe things could be this good without some kind of karmic re-balancing coming my way. It latches on to anything it can feel anxious about and runs with it. Everything is fair game. I know this part is stuck in the past, at a time when waiting for the other shoe to drop was rational self-protection because it would, at some point.

Even though I’ve been doing this kind of self-reflection and self-work for 10 years now (and I’m in a very different place in my life), I still find it hard to feel happy. This is something I’ve only really become aware of since my daughter was born, and it requires constant vigilance to remind myself that things are good, right here, right now, whatever the future holds.

I don’t think beliefs around deserving/not deserving to be happy are at the root of all anxiety (although I’m sure it is for some people). But I do think the beliefs we have about ourselves and our lives are powerful. The more we become aware of our beliefs and the sway they hold over our lives, the more we can decide which we want to hold on to, and which it’s time to discard.

What beliefs could underlie your anxiety? Are there any old or obsolete beliefs there it’s time to update?

Further reading: How to be kind to yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed & 3 steps to emotional freedom from guilt, shame and anxiety

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

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5 Quick Self-Care Suggestions You Can Do at Any Time

Since my daughter was born last year, my amount of time for anything is approximately 1/100000th of what it was before. I’d heard people say “I don’t know what I used to do with all my time before I had kids,” and used to think “Really? I have plenty to do…”

Now? I have no idea what I used to do with my time before I had a kid.

I love my daughter, I love spending time with her, and I’m grateful and happy to be able to spend the majority of each day with her. She’s awesome! I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And… I also like writing, I like working on Becoming Who You Are, I like exercising, and I like self-care (showering is in there somewhere too). And I don’t just like these things, they are expressions of core needs for me: creativity, movement and self-connection (and cleanliness). As I’ve said plenty of times before, self-care is healthcare. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity—especially when we are taking care of tiny humans or have other big responsibilities.

If you’re in a similar position to me, whether that’s because you have one or more kids, a demanding job, other commitments, or are just really darn busy, I want to share five quick self-care suggestions that you can do almost anywhere, any time, no matter what else is happening in life.

These suggestions are excerpts from the audiobook of From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life, narrated by Stephanie Murphy (who you might recognise from the opening of the Becoming Who You Are podcast). If you enjoy them, I invite you to check out the rest of the book (get the audiobook for free here with a 30-day Audible trial).

Here are five 5-minute self-care practices you can use anytime, anywhere:

#1: H.A.L.T

 

#2: Create a Mini-Retreat

#3: Create a Self-Care Kit

#4: Write a Letter to Your Future Self

#5: Savasana

If you’d like to learn more about turning self-care into a way of life, there are three ways to get your copy of From Coping to Thriving:

Get the Kindle version and paperback through Amazon
Get the audiobook for free with a 30-day trial of Audible
Get all three, and other rewards, when you support Becoming Who You Are on Patreon

What are your favourite quick self-care suggestions? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

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The Power of Negative Visualisation

If you’ve been around the personal growth world for any amount of time, you’ll have heard heard people extolling the virtues of positive visualisation. From creating vision boards to imagining ourselves succeeding at our most significant goals and achieving all we want to achieve, positive visualisation is often touted as the one-stop solution for getting what you want in life.

While I don’t count myself as part of the positivity police, I connect with the concept of rational optimism. I believe the world is getting better (despite what we see from social and traditional media) and I see the value in embracing the whole human experience. I don’t base my optimism on anything spiritual or metaphysical. Instead, I base it on looking at history, how the human experience has evolved and how lucky we are to be alive today. I feel grateful to live in a time where we have things like local anaesthetic, antibiotics, the internet, easy travel, and all the comforts and privileges of modern life we often take for granted.

Today, I want to talk about a thought exercise that has helped me feel genuine appreciation and gratitude for what I have. It’s been especially helpful when I’m experiencing comparisonitis or worrying about trivial things. And it doesn’t involve resorting to spiritual bypassing or blind positivity. It’s much less promoted but arguably far more powerful than its positive counterpart: negative visualisation. If this doesn’t sound quite as fun as imagining your wildest dreams coming true, bear with me! In this post, I’ll show you how and why this kind of visualisation can be so rewarding.

What is negative visualisation?

This idea comes from the Stoics and is simple (not easy, but simple). When we engage in negative visualisation, we imagine losing everything and everyone we have. We imagine experiencing loss we hope we will never encounter and our worst nightmares coming true. We spend time thinking about what it would be like to lose our family, home, job, pets, car, and anything else that is important to us.

No, this will not feel good—in the short term, anyway. But there is a sense of reward and satisfaction that comes from doing this, which I’ll explain below. For now, I invite you to think about what would be part of your negative visualisation: what in your life do you fear losing the most?

How does negative visualisation help us?

We are all susceptible to something psychologists and philosophers call hedonic adaptation. This describes our ability to return to a base level of happiness despite major events or changes in our lives—good and bad. While this can serve us in some situations, on a day-to-day level, it can lead to what’s called the “hedonic treadmill.”

As William B. Irvine writes in his book A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy:

“As a result of the adaptation process, people find themselves on a satisfaction treadmill. They are unhappy when they detect an unfulfilled desire within them. They work hard to fulfill this desire, in the belief that on fulfilling it, they will gain satisfaction. The problem, though, is that once they fulfill a desire for something, they adapt to its presence in their life and as a result stop desiring it—or at any rate, don’t find it as desirable as they once did. They end up just as dissatisfied as they were before fulfilling the desire.”

Negative visualisation helps us counteract this adaptation process by reversing it. Imagining losing everything we already have helps us feel happier with our lives right now, rather than base our happiness on goals, gains and goods in the future. It helps us forestall “when…then…” thinking that often leads to us deferring dreams, enjoyment and a full experience of life. Examples of this include “When I lose X pounds, then I’ll be able to wear that dress out.” “When I’m earning X amount of money, then I’ll be able to relax.” “When I have X gadget, then I’ll be happy.” You can probably insert examples of this kind of thinking from your own experience here.

Negative visualisation allows us to appreciate everything that’s good in our life now with no need to change anything or be any different. When we imagine losing what we have and our worst case scenarios, we connect to how much the things we currently have mean to us. We appreciate it more than when we take it for granted or focus on how great things will be “when…”.

Negative visualisation also primes us to be more resilient in the face of hardship. When we practice imagining what it would be like to lose the things we love the most, we are more prepared for the experience of losing them. Which we might. After all, this is life, with its twists, turns and unexpected bumps in the road. Making the most of these things while we still have them makes us less likely to regret squandered or misused time with them when we no longer do.

How to practice negative visualisation

In A Guide to the Good Life, Irvine gives the following explanation:

“ Seneca describes the negative visualization technique in the consolation he wrote to Marcia, a woman who, three years after the death of her son, was as grief-stricken as on the day she buried him. In this consolation, besides telling Marcia how to overcome her current grief, Seneca offers advice on how she can avoid falling victim to such grief in the future: What she needs to do is anticipate the events that can cause her to grieve. In particular, he says, she should remember that all we have is “on loan” from Fortune, which can reclaim it without our permission—indeed, without even advance notice. Thus, “we should love all our dear ones . . ., but always with the thought that we have no promise that we may keep them forever—nay, no promise even that we may keep them for long.” . . .

To see how imagining the death of a child can make us appreciate her, consider two fathers. The first takes this advice to heart and periodically reflects on his child’s mortality. The second refuses to entertain such gloomy thoughts. He instead assumes that his child will outlive him and that she will always be around for him to enjoy. The first father will almost certainly be more attentive and loving than the second. When he sees his daughter first thing in the morning, he will be glad that she is still a part of his life, and during the day he will take full advantage of opportunities to interact with her. The second father, in contrast, will be unlikely to experience a rush of delight on encountering his child in the morning. Indeed, he might not even look up from the newspaper to acknowledge her presence in the room.”

So what about positive visualisation?

Positive visualisation can be helpful, especially if we’re working towards a specific goal, milestone or endeavour, but it’s not in the way we usually think. Studies have shown that visualising a positive outcome isn’t actually helpful. It’s visualising ourselves working towards the positive outcome that makes a difference to our performance.

Positive visualisation is also more popular for the simple reason it’s more comfortable. Telling someone that, to feel better about their lives, all they need to do is imagine losing everything they care about (et voila! Instant appreciation), isn’t the most appealing sales pitch. But, if we’re willing to sit with the discomfort these visualisations evoke, it does work.

So today I invite you to ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen? Answer the question, go to town, and enjoy the renewed sense of appreciation for and joy in what you currently have. Feels good, right?

Further reading: 3 reasons negative thinking is good for you & how to cultivate a healthy relationship with anger

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

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8 Beautiful Journals That Will Inspire You to Write

One of the great things about journaling is you don’t need much to get started. Any old pen and paper (or keyboard and word processor) will suffice. If you are a total stationery enthusiast like me, however, you might find that choosing your notebook is an important part of the journaling ritual*. If so, look no further than this list of journals that will inspire you to get writing:

This post contains affiliate links, marked with an asterisk. If you click through and purchase one of these products, I receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products I have used and love. If you enjoy Becoming Who You Are, using these affiliate links is one way to support the site :)

[image error] 1. Potter Q&A a Day

The Potter Q&A a Day* is a lovely journal that asks a question each day. Some of these are day-specific, some of them are broader, more abstract questions. Each question page has five spaces to answer (one for each year) so you can see how your responses change over time. Other journals in the series include Q&A a day for couples, mothers, and teenagers.

[image error] 2. Leuchtturm 1917

I mentioned in the bullet journaling 101 series last month this is my new favourite journal and that hasn’t changed. The Leuchtturm 1917* comes with several journaling-friendly features I love. These include a table of contents and an archive sticker so you can label the spine of your journal ready for storage when you’re finished. The journals are great quality, have lovely pages and come in different sizes, colours and papers.

[image error] 3. Moleskine

The Moleskine journal* has become somewhat of a cliché, but that’s because they are great for writing! Although the Leuchtturm has overtaken the Moleskine as my go-to journal now, I still love these notebooks for their simplicity and great page texture and thickness.

[image error] 4. Daily Greatness Planners

Daily Greatness Planners* differ from the previous journals in this post in that they are structured to help you plan and keep track of specific projects and goals. I’ve used the Daily Greatness Business Planner for the last couple of years and have recommended it to more clients and colleagues than I can count. Daily Greatness also has a general planner, a yoga journal, a training journal and—one I’m eyeing up for the near future—a Parent’s journal.

Use this link to get 5% off a Daily Greatness Planner*.

[image error] 5. One line a day journal

This is similar to the Potter Q&A a day journal, except instead of answering a question each day, you can write about whatever you want*. I found a version of this journal in Tiger for £3 and have been using it to keep track of the days as my daughter grows (the small, meaningful details of which tend to get lost if I don’t record them). It takes a couple of minutes at the end of each day and is a lovely way to reflect on the things I’ve done and want to remember.

[image error]6. Muji blank journals

I mentioned I love Muji notebooks in the bullet journaling 101 series, and their blank notebooks are a favourite of mine (Although I am generally pretty minimalist, I’ve managed to amass enough of these to last me a decade). They are cheap, last for ages and are great for carrying around for journaling on the go. The only issue I’ve run into is the page quality isn’t great so if you’re using a fountain or gel pen, you’ll get some bleed through onto the next page.

[image error] 7. Nikki Strange notebooks

These are general notebooks rather than dedicated journals, but their cover designs are gorgeous. If you know you are more likely to use a journal that’s aesthetically pleasing, Nikki Strange notebooks tick that box.

[image error]8. ??? (Make your own!)

I believe the practice of journaling is whatever you want it to be, so why not create your own journal too? Making your own notebook is a fun but fairly straightforward creative project. If you’re feeling crafty, give it a try and add a personal touch to your next journal.

Here are two tutorials to get you started:

How to Make a DIY Notebook (Brit & Co)

DIY Tutorial: Handmade Notebooks (Blog of the Things)

What are your favourite notebooks? Leave a comment and share your recommendations!

P.S. If you want to add extra techniques, tips and prompts to your journaling toolbox, check out The Ultimate Guide to Journaling*, which is available now in ebook, audiobook and paperback.

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How to Think about Self-Control in a Judgement-Free Way

What do you think of when you hear the words self-control?

I think of the Stanford marshmallow experiment. In this study, a child was led into a room and sat down. They were then given a choice. They could have one treat now or wait while the tester left the room for about 15 minutes, without touching the original treat, and have two treats when they returned. In the original study, the kids were allowed to choose their treat—Oreo, marshmallow, or pretzel stick—hence the name of the experiment.

The testers were studying delayed gratification. When they did follow-up studies, they found the children who were willing and able to hold out for their two Oreos/marshmallows/pretzel sticks tended to have better SAT scores and academic achievement, lower BMI, and were judged by psychologist and study leader Walter Mischel to be “significantly more competent” than their peers who were less able to resist temptation. This study has since become a go-to demonstration of why self-control is important; it correlates with positive outcomes in many areas of life.

The factors that affect self-control in the real world

But this study is also only a 2D view of how self-control works in the real world. In the original study, testers began by showing the children they could be trusted to do what they said they would do when they said they would do it. Before the true experiment began, the children were shown if the tester said they would be back in 15 minutes with two marshmallows, they would be.

In real life, the outcomes of delayed gratification are often not so clear-cut or reliable. More often than not, we’re required to delay gratification for something that might or might not happen within an unspecified amount of time. We might have grown up in an environment where promises and commitments weren’t honoured. This would also affect our sense of what researchers referred to as “environmental reliability.” Spending our lives waiting for a marshmallow that won’t arrive (or we don’t believe will) isn’t a sign of competence or rational decision-making. In fact, it’s arguably the opposite.

When I first heard about the marshmallow study, I thought about what I would do if I were one of the kids in the experiment. I think I would have held out for a second marshmallow. Not because I would have made a considered decision about deferring gratification now for double the gratification later, but through a deference to authority and wanting to do the test right. Although the outcome might have been the same that’s not so much a plus one for self-control as it is for people-pleasing.

My biggest issue with how we talk about this study (and self-control), however, is the suggestion self-control is either something we have or don’t. Also, that it is something set from childhood. As other studies have suggested, self-control and willpower are finite resources. They are influenced by a multitude of factors, from our environment, to how we’re feeling, to the time of day.

Most of all, many of the conventional discussions about self-control make it sound like a drag. It’s something we all know we should have, but it’s something that most of us struggle with at one point or another (or several). There’s no denying self-control is a useful muscle to exercise. But having negative associations with it means we’re more likely to avoid facing it head on, rather than finding creative and compassionate ways to mediate with ourselves.

An alternative view of self-control

That’s why I was fascinated to read about this new study. It suggests our level of self-control is influenced by the same region of the brain that refers to empathy and compassion.

As the article says, “Empathy depends on your ability to overcome your own perspective, appreciate someone else’s, and step into their shoes. Self-control is essentially the same skill, except that those other shoes belong to your future self—a removed and hypothetical entity who might as well be a different person. So think of self-control as a kind of temporal selflessness. It’s Present You taking a hit to help out Future You.”

I like this way of looking at self-control because it flips the dull, judgement-laden, even punitive discourse that usually happens around self-control (usually summarised as: “Either you have self-control or you fail at life”). When we buy into this conventional discourse, we can still learn self-control, but it will be motivated by wanting to avoid the negative consequences of failing at life, rather than from a place of wanting the best for ourselves. This difference in motivation is subtle but important.

When I think about self-control in the context of empathy with my future self, it feels like a much more attractive prospect. I can see how self-control, rather than being something I know I “should” do, fits in with my desire to embody the values of empathy, compassion, and self-kindness.

Turning this insight into action

So what does having self-control motivated by empathy for our future selves look like in practice? Here are three practices I’ve been using to redefine my relationship with the phrase “self-control” and make better decisions:

1. Put yourself in your future self shoes:

A useful exercise when we’re struggling with self-kindness and compassion is to think “How would I respond if I were talking to my best friend about this?” We can also use this with self-control. A question I love is “What can I do today that my future self would thank me for?”

2. Imagine your future self as another person:

Visualise Future You as a different person facing different situations, challenges, feelings and living in a different context (i.e. the future). Seeing them as a separate person (and the distance and perspective this provides) makes it easier to empathise with that version of ourselves and also reminds us that there is more than just the here and now. Future Me has to live with the consequences of the decisions of past and present me, and the same goes for Future You.

3. Ask your future self for advice:

The final empathy-related practice is a combination of the previous two. We’re visualising our future selves as a separate person but we’re also taking into account their perspective by asking them “What advice do you have for me in this situation?” or “What do you think I should do right now?” Without a crystal ball, our answers to these questions will be educated guesses, but that’s OK. The more we can practice visualising our future self responding to this question and taking his or her experience into account, the more likely we are to empathise with that version of ourselves in the present.

I’d love to hear: what do you think about the idea that self-control is empathy for our future selves? How does this change how you feel about the concept of self-control?

Further reading: 6 practices that will raise your self-esteem & how to be kind to yourself when you don’t do what you say you’re going to do

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

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Goodbye, June

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links.

[image error] A huge thank you to all my Patreon supporters this month. I appreciate your continued support! If you enjoy Becoming Who You Are and would like bonus content and special rewards, please check out my Patreon page.

Hello! I hope you’re having a great summer so far. Can you believe we’re already halfway through 2017? This pretty much sums up what I’m reminding myself right now:

[image error]

For this month, I’m sharing 10 questions that serve as a kind of mid-year review. This halfway juncture is a great point from which to look back at the last six months, celebrate the good, reflect on the not-so-good, course corrected if needed, and get conscious about who we want to be, how we want to feel, and what we want to create for the rest of this year.

A quick note: I’ll be looking for beta readers for my new book on self-kindness in the next few weeks. If you’d like to learn more about how to work with (rather than against) your inner critic and are willing to provide your feedback on certain aspects of the book, click here to register your interest in joining the beta reader group.

10 Questions for you

Looking back: the first six months

What goals/intentions did you set at the beginning of this year? What areas of your life did you want to focus on?
How are they going so far? Any wins? Any challenges?
What are you most proud of when you reflect on the first six months of 2017?
What would you do differently if you could go back and do the last six months again?
Go back over January to June and describe one special moment you treasure from each month

Looking forward: the next six months

How would you like to feel about each of the goals or intentions you mentioned above by the end of 2017?
What would you like to commit (or recommit) to for the rest of this year?
What would you like more of in the second half of this year? And less of?
How would you like to remember 2017 at the end of this year? And what can you do (or keep doing) in the next six months to make that happen?
What would make your 2017 truly special? (I’d love to hear, so leave a comment!)

Articles of the Month

What makes call-out culture so toxic
Why I’ve lost faith in Tony Robbins (and most life coaches)
Oh Lorde, deliver me from f***ing Joan
Behind our anxiety, the fear of being unneeded
Loneliness is a signal, not just a feeling
Expect a breakthrough
How to make friends faster
A guide to dealing with dissatisfaction with ourselves

Quote of the Month

[image error]

“Our sense of self-worth is much less easily shaken if it is derived from a deeply held sense of self-compassion and self-respect, rather than being contingent on fulfilling certain ideals.” – Erin Olivo

Book of the Month

[image error]The Self-Acceptance Project is a compilation of 20 essays on self-compassion and self-acceptance from several well-known psychologists, therapists, and spiritual guides compiled by Tami Simon (from Sounds True). While the essays are all on the same topic, it’s interesting to see 20 different perspectives and focuses on different aspects of this important quality. No two essays are the same and, while some are a little abstract and woo-woo for me, I feel like I’ve gained something (insight, understanding, validation, reassurance) from each one. This is a useful book for learning more about what self-acceptance looks like in real life, and also one to pick up when you could use a reminder (and reset) for your own internal dialogue.

Get the book here.

Useful Tool of the Month

[image error]Day One, IMO the best journal app for Mac and iOS, finally offers end-to-end encryption! I’m doing a happy dance over here because, while I’ve loved Day One for years, the lack of privacy has meant I’ve stuck with MacJournal (which, while not a bad journaling tool, is somewhat clunky in comparison and not as easy to use). Until now. What do I love about this app? It’s super easy to use (

(P.S. If you’re using Android, this app and this app are apparently good alternatives!)

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

How to bring out the best in people (a guest post by Antonia)
How to balance the desire for self-acceptance vs. self-improvement
8 lies it’s time to stop telling ourselves each day (a guest post by Lynne)
The lure of spiritual bypassing

Wishing you a wonderful July! 

Photo by Danka & Peter on Unsplash

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