Hannah Braime's Blog, page 7

Cultivating Healthy Relationships (an interview with Ryan Engelstad)

Following on from last week’s post on 20 journaling prompts to improve your relationships, this week I’m sharing an interview with Ryan Engelstad, a therapist and fellow Coach.me coach, about cultivating healthy relationships. We cover a bunch of topics, including common relationship challenges, making friends as an adult, and more. Enjoy!

Can you tell us a little about yourself and what you’re passionate about right now?

I’m a licensed clinical social worker working primarily as a therapist in Princeton, NJ. I am passionate about behavior change and helping people understand mental health and how they can cope effectively. I am also a father of an amazing 2 year old and enjoy doing improv comedy on the side!

How did you become interested in helping people with their relationships and mental health?

Growing up I was always fascinated with why people acted the way they did, especially when things didn’t work out for them or they didn’t get what they want. My first job out of college was at an inpatient substance abuse clinic where I saw the damage that negative behaviors had on relationships and families, and also how negative relationships influenced negative behaviors. It was during that time that I knew I wanted to be a therapist to help people fix these problems.

What are some of the most common challenges you see people experiencing when it comes to new relationships?

One of the biggest challenges I see is that people often struggle to disagree/problem solve effectively early on in relationships and that this can often prevent the relationship from growing to a more intimate level. Communication is so important and learning each other’s communication style (especially around conflict) can save a lot of stress. A common example is one partner may “hold onto” little annoyances over time only to lay them all out at the first sign of conflict. Learning how to address even little annoyances in the moment goes a long way to avoiding blow out fights.

For many of us, making friends as an adult can be difficult once we’re outside the bubbles of school and work. What advice do you have for anyone who wants to broaden their social circle and is wondering where to start?

This is such an important question and one that I struggled with in the past (we’ve moved several times). Getting involved in activities I enjoy or wanted to learn has really helped to broaden my social circle. In graduate school I saw a flyer for acting classes at a local theater and signed up for Introduction to Improv Comedy. I loved the class and started going out with the group of people for drinks afterwards. Years later my amazingly supportive wife sent me a call for auditions to a local improv troupe. I tried out and even with my limited experience they accepted me into the troupe. Four years later I have performed all over the east coast and the troupe has become a regular source of socializing and support.

I also love basketball and have made an effort to find a local game anywhere I have lived. A few years ago I found out 10-15 guys played at my local YMCA a few times a week, but it was at 6AM! I told myself it would be worth it for the exercise, but found that I really liked the guys who played and gradually got more and more involved in things they did together, like play fantasy football or go to golf outings. So I guess in summary I would say start with what you love or what you want to learn, and you will find people along the way!

Something you coach people on is practising extroversion. For the more introverted among us (myself included), why is this useful and what does it look like?

I think being able to practice extroversion (not necessarily become extroverted) is hugely useful because it enables us to be proactive in getting the things we want, whether that is a job, a relationship, more friends, or even something like starting a small business. People who are more introverted too often avoid the opportunities that can help them accomplish their goals. The way I coach people in this area is by starting really small, building comfort with small acts of extroversion and building up to the areas where people struggle like socializing with co-workers or trying to get a date with someone.

What are your three favourite practices or activities for staying connected within your most important relationships?

First is active gratitude, which just means letting people know how they’ve helped you or how important they are to you, and doing this often. This can prevent the feeling that one partner is being taken for granted or that their contributions aren’t appreciated. Expressing gratitude also does wonders for improving your own mood.

Second would be to don’t rush to try to solve your partner’s or your friend’s problems when all they might really need is for you to listen.

Third, and this is kind of general but important, is that relationships (especially successful ones) require consistent effort. Relationships do not work on autopilot. You get out what you put in. This means you can’t expect to always be the person who gets invited to things, you might have to invite or plan opportunities or activities as well. You can’t expect the chores to be done for you and you can’t expect to be asked to do them, sometimes you will have to make the effort on your own to contribute to the relationship.

What does becoming who you are mean to you?

To me, becoming who you are means being your most authentic self. Most of us can think back to relationships we’ve been in where we weren’t really ourselves or we were trying to be somebody we aren’t. I can honestly say that I am at my most comfortable, and feel most comfortable being me, when I am with my wife and family. I don’t worry about what I should say or how I should act, I’m just me and that is enough. So to become who you are means finding people who allow you to be this comfortable when you are with them. whether in social situations or even at work.

About Ryan

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Ryan Engelstad is a therapist, writer on medium.com, and coach on coach.me. He has been working in the mental health and behavior fields for over 10 years and is passionate about helping people achieve their goals.

Would you like support with building positive relationships? Learn more about coaching with Ryan here.

Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

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7 Simple Physical Activities to Raise Your Spirits & Boost Your Mental Strength

This is a guest post by Marc Innes.

Physically tired and mentally stressed has become the new version of normal for a lot of people. Perhaps, you’re experiencing the same thing, and you’ve already ditched the idea that you can be anything else because your responsibilities will not change anytime soon.

However, you can be. There are simple changes that you can incorporate into your daily or weekly routine that might not alter the number of things you need to do, but still have the ability to transform how you feel about your days and your responsibilities.

Here are seven simple physical activities that can boost your spirits and mental strength.

1. Getting a massage from a professional

Stop making this a birthday treat. Rather, get a massage regularly to treat your stress. A weekly massage will deal with those tension knots you have all over your body. At the same time, it can stimulate your body’s natural production of endorphins, your happy hormones.

Endorphins do not only improve the mood; they can also boost your immune system and neutralize pain signals.

2. Doing planks

Personal trainers swear by this exercise because planks really target the core. Also, a plank program, as simple as it is (there’s no special physical coordination required), can yield immediate results in terms of weight and strength.

As you succeed in doing different kinds of planks, you’ll feel lighter and stronger. This will give you confidence in your ability to conquer day-to-day responsibilities and challenges.

3. Dancing

Any type of wiggle to music will actually do. There’s no need to follow any instructional video. Just move your body to the beat and automatically feel light and happy.

The beautiful thing about dancing is that it’s both a manifestation of joy (most people dance when they feel happy), as well as an activity that brings joy.

4. Cleaning your house

This is a highly productive physical activity in terms of lifting your spirits and is scientifically proven by numerous tests.

In 2011, researchers at Princeton University established that clutter automatically diminishes one’s ability to focus on any task. It turns out that the visual cortex gets overwhelmed by the presence of task-irrelevant objects around, thus making it harder for someone to direct their full attention in order to complete a task easily.

It’s worth pointing out as well that cleaning your home or any space that you use puts you in control. It’s the perfect reminder that you have the power to take charge of situations to ensure your advantage.

5. Deep breathing

This may seem like something that people already naturally do, but studies reveal that most people don’t breathe deeply enough to benefit their health and overall well-being. Therefore, it’s imperative to be quite deliberate about breathing properly and breathing deeply, especially during stressful moments.

Before taking on any task, make sure to breathe long and deeply. This will put you in a Zen state – calm and relaxed. When you’re calm and relaxed, you can pace yourself and think more clearly about your course of action. You’re more likely to do what is most appropriate for every situation.

6. Walking

There’s no special skill involved for walking, so you can easily do this every day. Walking at least 30 minutes a day is known to reduce depression and positively impact your quality of life. Thus, anytime you’re feeling down and blue, go outside and just walk around.

This physical activity can also make you fitter as walking is a highly recommended cardiovascular exercise.

7. Stretching

Like massage, stretching can tackle those tension knots created by stress. Also, stretching first thing in the morning can help jumpstart your day as it can automatically make you feel less sleepy. Plus, loosening those tight muscles encourages the release of endorphins, making you feel like you can charge through the day with ease.

There you have it – a list of easy activities that you can work into your day so you can have a good disposition and mental clarity. As simple as these activities are, they can help improve your overall well-being, making you more effective and efficient in everything you do.

About Marc

[image error]Marc Innes is the Owner and Principal of the School of Natural Therapies, a training school for Massage & Holistic Therapies located in London. He developed an interest in all things complementary to Allopathic Medicine, in particular, Reiki Healing and EFT, which culminated in running a successful teaching and ‘energy healing’ practice. Marc is passionate about the massage and complementary therapy industry.

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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

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20 Journaling Prompts to Improve Your Relationships

Quality relationships are pivotal to our wellbeing. Several studies have shown a connection between having strong relationships and living longer. A good level of social connection has also been linked with improved physical and mental health: better immune function, better cardiovascular health, deeper resilience, and heightened positivity. In short: relationships are super duper important.

This week, I want to share a selection of journaling prompts you can use to explore and think about your relationships. Most of these are from my latest book, The Year of You: 365 Journal Writing Prompts for Creative Self-Discovery, so if you enjoy them and want more like this, check it out here.

1. How satisfied are you with your social life?


2. How do you feel about your current relationship status?


3. How easy or hard do you find asking for help when you need it?


4. How do you feel about having children?


5. What qualities do you believe are most important in friendships?


6. Who do you consider to be your closest friend and why?


7. Describe a recent compliment or piece of positive feedback you received that was meaningful to you.


8. Do you tend to hold a grudge or to forgive and forget?


9. How do you feel about gossip?


10. Describe a recent compliment or piece of positive feedback you received that was meaningful to you.


11. How would you like to be seen by those closest to you?


12. Describe a time when you helped a friend in need.


13. What, for you, is the difference between “like” and “love?”


14. What does good communication in a relationship look like to you?


15. Who are your favourite people? Make a list.


16. Think of your closest relationship right now. What is one thing you could do today to make that relationship more satisfying and harmonious?


17. What feels unforgivable to you in a relationship?


18. What relationships would you like to develop further over the next six months? Who else would you like to meet?


19. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a large social circle?


20. What would a level 10 life (i.e. an ideal version) of this area of your life look like?

What are your favourite journaling prompts for exploring your relationships? Leave a comment and share your suggestions.

Want more journaling prompts like this?

[image error]If you’d like more journaling inspiration, I invite you to check out The Year of You: 365 Journal Writing Prompts for Creative Self-Discovery. With a reflective writing prompt for every day of the year, you can take the guess work out of journaling and use your daily prompt to explore and unpack the most important aspects of your life and your being. Each month, you’ll focus on one important area of your life, including your identity, relationships, money, career, and more.

The Year of You is available in ebook and paperback (which you can write in!) through Amazon, and in ebook from iBooks, Kobo, Google Play, and Barnes & Noble now.

 

Photo by João Silas on Unsplash

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How to Create Momentum With New Goals

This is the last post in the setting feel-good goals series. In part one, we looked at the principles behind setting feel-good goals. Part two was all about the most important questions you need to ask before you commit to your creative goals and part three involved a key goal-setting hack—identifying the habit underneath the goal. Now, part four is all about what to do next: how to create momentum with new goals. As you know, setting goals is only part of the equation. It’s just the start. Once you’ve decided on your goals, that’s when the real work (and reward) begins! So in this post, I’m sharing five qualities and behaviours that will help you get on your merry momentum-making way.

1. Commit.

It sounds simple, and it is, but deciding to commit—really commit—will skyrocket your momentum and progress. Where “X” is your goal, commitment is the difference between:

“I’ll try to do X,” and “I’m doing X.”

“I’ll see if I can fit it in today,” and “I’m doing it at 8 am.”

“I would do X but I’m too busy/tired/just don’t feel like it,” and “I’m busy/tired/just don’t feel like it, but I will do X anyway because I know my future self will thank me.”

When I look at times I’ve set and not met goals in the past, not fully committing is one of the key reasons. So decide right now:

Decide you will not let yourself get in the way.

Decide your inner critic will take a back seat while you’re getting started.

Decide that you will do this thing each day or each week and treat it like you would any other appointment, work meeting, or thing you show up for.

Decide you will not buy into the story it’s too hard. As the Whole30 founders say about their clean eating program, “This is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard.” I don’t know about you, but this gave me a perspective shift around how I’m viewing my goals this year!

When you notice excuses popping up, acknowledge it for what it is “Oh, this is an excuse,” then do your thing anyway. Don’t buy into your stories about why this isn’t the right time, all the things that aren’t perfect. Guess what? The time is never perfect. For anything. You’ll be busy, the rain will fall, you won’t feel like it, conditions will be less than ideal. But, whatever else is happening doesn’t matter as much as you think it might. You get to decide when you want to create momentum and that starts with committing.

2. Track

Tracking your progress will help you maintain your motivation and therefore your momentum. I have a monthly habit tracker in my bullet journal. Having a box to tick each day and being able to see a visual representation of my progress motivates me to keep going (especially before I see any tangible real-world results from my habit).

Tracking also provides clarity on what helps your goal and what hinders it. If you skip a day why did that happen? How can you avoid that happening again? It helps you stay conscious of what you’re trying to accomplish and how far you’ve come.

3. Focus on very next step (and only the very next step)

If your goal is big with lots of moving parts, an easy way to create momentum is to break it down into single action steps. This sounds obvious, but when I write “single action steps” I mean “single action steps.” This is something I’m committed to working on this year as it makes a huge difference, not only to my progress but also to how I feel about the tasks I’m working on.

Here’s an example of why this makes a difference: For a few weeks at the end of last year, I had an item on my to-do list called “File taxes.”

Now, filing my taxes isn’t a single step. First, I need to open my accounting software, note my income and expenses for the year in question, log on to the Self-assessment portal, answer the (many) questions, submit the details, then pay the bill. That’s at least seven action steps, possibly more, which all take different amounts of time.

For as long as I had “File taxes” on my to-do list, I didn’t do it, because I never had enough time to do the whole thing in one go. As soon as I broke it down into individual tasks, though, I have five minutes and I can open up my software and make a note of income/expenses. Boom: three tasks checked off. Within two days, the whole thing is done with minimum stress.

Breaking complex goals, projects, or tasks down into individual action steps might seem tedious, but it’s a useful way to get clear on what exactly needs to happen to get from A to B.

Once we’ve done that, the only thing we need to focus on is the very next step. Not the step in three steps’ time, or that scary step at the end, but the very next step. Everything else can wait.

4. Think like a creator

I touched on this above, but it’s so important it deserves its own section. If there’s anything I’ve learned from studying my own habits and goals and coaching other people on theirs, it’s this: mindset is everything.

In particular, you need to be aware of the difference between a creator mindset and a victim mindset. If you approach your goal from the victim mindset, you’ll feel at the mercy of forces beyond your control, you won’t be as open to recognising any progress you make, and if you make progress, you’re more likely to self-sabotage and blame it on something or someone else.

If you can be mindful of adopting a creator mindset, you’ll find it much easier to create momentum. You’ll have an easier time overcoming challenges, you’ll recognise your progress, celebrate it, and use that momentum to fuel your motivation. You’ll take responsibility for meeting this goal. That doesn’t mean beating yourself up if you don’t, but it means treating it with the importance it deserves, staying conscious of how you’re approaching it, and course correcting where necessary.

5. Begin!

If you want to create momentum and reach your goal, at some point you need to start. It’s tempting to wait until Monday, until the start of next month, until the new moon, until conditions are just perfect, but spoiler alert! they never will be.

Today is the perfect day to begin, so why not do so now?

Break your project down into actionable steps, decide this is your year, and go for it.

Also in the Setting Feel-Good Goals 101 series:

The 3 Principles of Feel-Good Goals
5 Important Questions to Ask Before You Commit to Your Creative Goals
What Is the Habit Behind Your Goal?

[image error]If you would like to create momentum with your creative goals and could use some extra support, I would love to help. I’m a certified digital coach with Coach.me, where I help clients gain momentum with their most important projects. If you’d like to see how coaching could help you, you can find out more here. Use the code HANNAHBRAIMEWEEK to try a week’s free coaching.

 

Photo by STIL on Unsplash

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Setting Feel-Good Goals 101: What is the habit behind your goal?

Also in the Setting Feel-Good Goals 101 series: 


1. The 3 principles of feel-good goals


2. 5 important questions to ask before you commit to your creative goals


4.  How to create momentum with new goals

A couple of years ago, I decided I wanted to run a half-marathon. I love running. Well, I loved it. Because what happened is I got to where I was running just under a half in my training and started to experience old issues with my knees. I didn’t want to stop, but I reached the point where I couldn’t walk. I stopped, rested, and did exercises that were supposed to help with the knee issue I had.

The next year, I wanted to try again and put “run a half-marathon” on my goals list. And guess what? The knee issues came back almost immediately. Life: 1, Goal: 0. Although I’ve tried different remedies since then, I still experience pain when I try to run more than a few blocks. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about goal-setting: focus on the habit, not the outcome.

Now? My goal is the number of times I exercise per week. If some kind of physical challenge or event comes out of that, that’s great (and I still hold a candle for running that half-marathon one day), but that’s not the focus.

Outcomes often involve things we can’t control. What we can control is the process or the habit: how (and how often) we show up.

The same principle applies to creative goals.

When I work with coaching clients, we start by identifying the habit underneath their goal. This is the activity, action or behaviour they will do every day (or as often as necessary) to move them along and help them gain momentum towards their goal.

You might have a goal to write a bestselling book, but the only part of that you have full control over is writing the book and doing the marketing. The bestselling part depends on a number of factors beyond your control, including who else happens to be releasing books that week.

It’s a good to have these kinds of aims (because why not aim high?!), but the most important thing for you to focus on is the part you have control over. Writing a book is a great goal, but that can only happen if you sit down to write. Repeatedly.

It doesn’t have to be a lot at a time—you would be surprised by how much momentum you can gain from doing just a small amount each day—but the most important thing is showing up and doing the work.

The outcome can be the inspiration and the motivation, but the habit is the most important piece to focus on today.

So here is my challenge for you today: Think of one of the big goals you’re working towards right now. What is the habit underneath your goal? How often do you need to do that habit to maintain momentum with your goal?

If you feel inclined to share, leave a comment and let us know what you’re working on!

[image error]If you would like extra support in creating and fulfilling happy-making creative goals, I would love to help. I’m a certified digital coach with Coach.me, where I help clients gain momentum with their most important projects. If you’d like to see how coaching could help you, you can find out more here. Use the code HANNAHBRAIMEWEEK to try a week’s free coaching.

Further reading: The 3 principles of feel-good goals & 5 important questions to ask before you commit to your creative goals.

Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash

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5 Important Questions to Ask Before You Commit to Your Creative Goals

Read more in the Setting Feel-Good Goals 101 series:

1. The 3 principles of feel-good goals


3. What is the habit behind your goal?


4. How to create momentum with new goals

While having creative goals is helpful and a natural manifestation of the drive towards self-actualisation, not all goals are worth pursuing. We all have a finite amount of time here on this planet and no crystal ball to tell us how finite that time is. So the quality of our goals matters, especially because how we pursue a sense of meaning and purpose impacts the overall quality of our lives.

Creating goals for the sake of it (or because you think it’s what you should do) is a shortcut to dissatisfaction. If this becomes a regular pattern, you might even end up internalising the identity of being “someone who sets goals but doesn’t achieve them.” Instead, as you think about what the most meaningful use of your time could be, it’s important to dig deep and discover your intentions, hopes, and history with each potential goal.

There’s a saying that the quality of our life is defined by the quality of our questions and the same principle applies to our goals. Here are six important questions to ask yourself when thinking about what your most important goals are:

1. What is your motivation for pursuing your creative goals?

When I work with a new client, one question I ask is: “What has motivated you to focus on this particular habit or goal now?” I want to understand: what has brought someone to where they register for coaching? Why is this habit or goal relevant to them now? What does it mean to them, their lives and their future?

These are big questions and they are important. Motivation comes in many shapes, sizes, and flavours, but it’s always internally generated. You can use all the apps, reminders, life hacks and coaches in the world, but if you’re not clear on what your motivation is for pursuing a certain goal, they won’t make any difference. You’ll still struggle to stay on track and make it through the inevitable challenges and inconveniences that come with any big goal.

So take your goal and ask yourself: Why this goal? Why now? What do I hope to gain from reaching this goal? How will my life be different if I accomplish this? Are my expectations of how it will change my life realistic? (or am I falling into the trap of “when I reach X goal, then I’ll be happy/confident/enough” thinking?)

2. What have you tried so far in your pursuit of this goal?

It’s common to have several false starts before finding your rhythm with a goal. If you’ve already had a few false starts, it’s worth noting what you tried and what didn’t work so far so you can do something different this time around.

BUT.

It’s also common for people to talk themselves out of a goal before they’ve even taken a single step. It feels too big, too scary, too “out there,” and will require them to take up more space than they feel comfortable with.

The number one reason I’ve talked myself out of committing to certain goals in the past is the “But what will everyone think of me?” voice. I’m sure you’re familiar with this. It’s the voice that lives in eternal fear of the generalised other: the “everyone will think this about me”, the “no one will like me.” This generalised other is often one or two negative experiences or people projected onto the entire world. So ask yourself with honesty and compassion: what have I tried so far in pursuit of this goal?

If it’s nothing, now is not the time to talk yourself out of it. Now is the time to say to your inner critic and your inner worrier “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll check in with you later.” and shelve them while you experiment with your options, keeping your mind open and optimistic, your approach playful.

And if you have tried various things and none of them have worked? Good. Now you know what not to do and you’re that many steps closer to figuring out how to make this happen.

3. Are your creative goals SMART?

SMART is a well-worn acronym that sees a lot of action in the corporate world. It’s somewhat cheesy and not particularly thrilling, but it’s a useful checklist to help you set yourself up for success with your goal.

SMART stands for:

Specific: what exactly will you be doing?
Measurable: how will you track progress, how will you know when you’ve reached your goal?
Attainable: Is this realistic? (two variations on this letter are “Ambitious” and “Attractive:” is it something that stretches your perception of what you’re capable of? Or is this something you want to do, something that feels exciting?)
Relevant: How does this fit in with the bigger picture of your life? Like the questions I shared above, why now? Why this goal?
Timed: When would you like to achieve this goal by?

4. Are you approaching your creative goals from a place of avoiding pain or pursuing growth?

As I’ve written about before, there is a subtle but important difference between pursuing a goal because you’re avoiding pain and pursuing it because you’re seeking growth.

If you approach a goal wanting to avoid pain, you’ll work at the goal until the pain has gone.

Then, you’ll stop.

For example, if you notice you’re a little heavier than you’d like to be then exercise to shed the excess weight, you’ll ease off once you’ve reached that point.

If you approach the same goal motivated by growth, however, your reasons for exercising change.

Instead of wanting to lose weight, you might be motivated by wanting to take part in a specific physical challenge, because you want to do things you can’t currently do, or because you want to see what you’re capable of and surprise yourself.

One of these approaches leads to Yo-Yo habits that wax on and wax off and usually come with a not insignificant amount of emotional baggage. The other leads to a shift in lifestyle and, more importantly, identity.

Which one do you want?

5. If you don’t achieve your creative goals, what is most likely to have gotten in your way?

If you look ahead 3 years from now and you haven’t achieved your goal, what will have gotten in your way?

If you’re reeeeeeally honest, the answer is probably: excuses. As humans, we are masters at coming up with all kinds of excellent reasons to justify why we cannot do the hard, uncomfortable thing. This is called resistance and guess what? It never goes away (a great book on this topic is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield).

So, if you want to reach your goal, you need to learn to deal with your resistance in all its manifestations.

This starts with asking yourself: What are my biggest excuses? Become familiar with the stories you tell yourself about why you shouldn’t work towards this goal today and see them for what they are: resistance to change, not reality.

[image error]If you would like extra support in creating and fulfilling happy-making creative goals, I would love to help. I’m a certified digital coach with Coach.me, where I help clients gain momentum with their most important projects. If you’d like to see how coaching could help you, you can find out more here. Use the code HANNAHBRAIMEWEEK to try a week’s free coaching.

Further reading: Setting feel-good goals & how to set truly authentic goals

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

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Setting Feel-Good Goals 101: The 3 Principles of Feel-Good Goals

Happy New Year! It’s time to start another trip around the sun (in case you didn’t know…:) so I thought now would be a good time to do a mini-series on setting feel-good goals. I’ve been consciously setting goals for the new year for as long as I can remember, and I’ve learned a lot about what to do (and not to do!) along the way. In addition, I’ve spent a few years at this point coaching people on their big goals and I’ve noticed the same common goal-setting mistakes crop up.

Now, I love goals, but I know not everyone shares this love. If goals aren’t your thing and you feel strongly about this that’s fine; feel free to skip these posts. One thing I will say though is that goals don’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) this stressful, pressured, not-good-enough source of tension in our lives. If they are, you’re doing it wrong. Also, not wanting to set goals for yourself? That’s a goal. Just sayin’… :)

The taller a tree will grow, the deeper its roots need to be. The higher the building, the lower the foundations. So in this post, I want to start with those foundations: the principles of setting feel-good goals.

[image error] This post is an excerpt from my ebook ‘You Are Already Enough: A mini-guide to setting goals that feel uplifting and inspiring’ which you can get for free alongside 10+ other workbooks, video classes and audios when you join the Becoming Who You Are Library. If you want to set feel-good goals for 2018, this workbook is a great place to start! 

Get your copy here   

(I will always keep your details private and you are free to unsubscribe at any time.)

1. Feel-good goals start with asking “What do I really want?”

One of the most common goal-setting mistakes is this:

We commit to goals we think we should work towards without stopping to ask what we want, or what’s best for us right now.

With every decision you make and action you take, your motivations fall into one of two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivations include those which are to do with your fulfilment, integrity, and growth. Extrinsic relate to what you think you should do, external validation, or how you think other people will perceive you. The focus might be on wanting to impress or please other people. Alternatively, it might be on making certain decisions to avoid conflict with others.

With any goal, it’s natural to have a mix of intrinsic and extrinsic motivations, but it’s important to make sure the former outweighs the latter. Get conscious of all the reasons you want to do what you’re doing and focus on the things that align with your personal values and needs.

2. Feel-good goals sometimes look more like challenges than goals.

A lot of us self-sabotage our most important goals with the weight of pressure and expectation. As soon as you fall behind with a goal, you start feeling guilty and cross with yourself for not sticking to your original plan. This can lead to all kinds of unhelpful self-talk that is more harmful than helpful to our eventual aim.

Rather than thinking of goals as the be all and end all, try thinking of them as a series of challenges. If you have negative experiences with goal-setting, saying “I’m challenging myself to write a novel this year,” feels more inspiring than “I have a goal to write a novel this year.” It’s a subtle difference, but can be surprisingly effective.

If you’re struggling to gain momentum with your goal, you can also try turning it into a 30-day or 60-day challenge (or an annual challenge, like the 2018 personal growth reading challenge!). One or two months will fly by in an instant, and you’ll be surprised at the results of your daily diligence.

3. Feel-good goals focus on what you can control.

Where you place your focus has a huge impact on your experience working towards goals. This can play out in two ways. The first is you try to control things way outside of your control. An example of this is a goal like “I want to find love this year.” As meaningful and important as that goal is, you are only 50% of that equation! It also requires someone to love you back, which isn’t something you have power over. Things you do have power over include:


– How you show up in social interactions


– How many extra-curricular activities you get involved in


– How many dates you go on


– How much we work on your own self-awareness and self-responsibility for when you meet someone.


And so on.

The second way we misalign our focus on what we can control is by giving too much control away.

A common example of this is waiting to be found, recognised or discovered. For example, if you want to start blogging, taking the “If I build it they will come” mentality, setting up a blog and expecting people to find and flock to your fledgling website won’t work. You need to make it as easy as possible for people to find you and pursue opportunities to get your writing in front of more eyes.

With every goal you set this year, check in with yourself. Are you focusing on what you can control without giving too much power away or trying to manage things out of your sphere of responsibility?

If you have a big creative goal for this year and would like to work towards it in a way that both feels good and gets results, I would love to support you! I’m a certified digital coach with Coach.me, where I help creatives show up and do the work they need to do to make their projects come to life. Find out more about how coaching can support your personal and professional creative goals here. Use the code  HANNAHBRAIMEWEEK to try your first week for free.

Further reading: Balancing goals & self-care & The personal growth reading challenge

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

The post Setting Feel-Good Goals 101: The 3 Principles of Feel-Good Goals appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Goodbye, December (& 2017!)

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links.

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Do you enjoy the blog posts, podcasts and resources here? Please consider supporting Becoming Who You Are on Patreon. Your support helps cover the costs of running this site and is hugely appreciated! Pledge as little as $1 a month and get immediate access to bonus content and audios.

Friends, 2017 is basically over! What?! If you celebrate, I hope you have had a great holiday season in your part of the world. I’ve been spending time this week reviewing 2017 and thinking about my intentions, plans, and wishlist for the year ahead (plus setting up my bullet journal for 2018, yay!). This post marks a full year I’ve done these monthly wrap-ups. I started them on a whim in January and it’s been delightful to watch them become one of the most popular features on Becoming Who You Are. So I’d love to hear from you: is there anything you’d like to see added to these Goodbye, …. posts for the new year? Let me know!

Thanks for your support this year! Here’s to a wonderful 2018 :)

10 Questions for you

December

What were the highlights of this month?
What was a valuable lesson you learned this month?
What can you celebrate from December?
What are you most grateful for from this month?
How did you grow this month? How is the you of today different than the you from the 1st December?

January

How can you introduce more fun into your January?
What is one thing you’d like to start doing next month?
And one thing you’d like to stop doing?
What is one thing you could do or create during January that would make this month an awesome start to the year?
What is one story you’re telling yourself that you’d like to change this month? What will you change it to?

The Most-Read Posts on Becoming Who You Are in 2017

The True Meaning of Kindness

How to Cultivate Self-Trust: Advice from Rising Strong by Brené Brown

13 Reasons You’re Not Making the Changes You Want to Make

10 Powerful Books on Self-Care That Will Enrich Your Life

What Japanese Pottery Can Teach Us About Feeling Flawed

Why Forgiveness Is Overrated

Bullet Journaling: 49 Ideas for Different Page Spreads

Resource of the month: The Foundations of Wellbeing

In this guided, step-by-step program, Rick Hanson, Ph.D. shows you how to use the science of positive neuroplasticity to turn ordinary experiences into powerful inner strengths such as self-compassion, grit, and mindfulness – so you can build an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness.

Rick is a Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and invited speaker at Oxford, Harvard, and Stanford universities. He’s also the New York Times bestselling author of Buddha’s Brain, Hardwiring Happiness, and Just One Thing, a neuropsychologist, meditation teacher, and very down-to-earth, practical, and warm-hearted guy.

Each week in the Foundations program,  you’ll learn practical, effective ways to see more of the good in your life, and grow greater calm, contentment, and confidence from the inside out. With insightful talks, guided practices, self-assessment quizzes, guest-expert interviews, creative activities, and live-streamed Q&As with Rick, you’ll have everything you need to handle life’s challenges.

The program starts on January 2, 2018 and comes with a money-back guarantee. Start feeling less stressed or worried, become more mindful and grateful, free yourself from past painful experiences, and experience more pleasure and joy in daily life, with the Foundations of Well-Being program.

(This is an affiliate link, which means if you decide to register for the program, I get a small commission at no extra cost to you.)

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

20 Journaling Prompts for Self-Discovery

10 Personal Growth Books That Have Had a Big Impact on My Life

Personal Growth Reading Challenge 2018

Aaaaaand a friendly reminder…

[image error]The Year of You: 365 Journal Writing Prompts for Creative Self-Discovery is available now in ebook and paperback. Until January 2nd, you can also enter my Goodreads Giveaway to win a paperback copy! The giveaway is open to everyone, wherever you are in the world, so why not have a go? :)

The Year of You is an invitation to discover more about yourself, become more conscious about what you want, and create a rich and fulfilling life through one journaling prompt a day.

With this book, you can take the guess work out of journaling and use the monthly themes to explore and unpack the most important aspects of your life and your being. Whether you’re new to journaling or have enjoyed a reflective writing practice for some time, The Year of You offers a wealth of inspiration that will deepen your understanding and awareness of what makes you who you are.

P.S. There’s still time to order the paperback version as a guided journal for the new year!

Wishing you a Happy New Year and a wonderful January!

 

Photo by Chinda Sam on Unsplash

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Personal Growth Reading Challenge 2018

If you’ve been part of the Becoming Who You Are community for a while, you’ll know reading is a huuuuuge part of my life. Books are a source of education, inspiration and entertainment, and I’m always looking to discover new reads. That’s why I’ve decided to create a personal growth reading challenge for the new year! I intend to use this challenge to make time for books that will improve different aspects of my life.

Here are a couple of notes about the challenge:

I’ve included 26 books, which equals a book every two weeks. If you want to read more or less than this, feel free!
Some of the topics are deliberately broad (for example, the first two) so you can find books that are relevant to you
I’ve included a couple of topics because they are relevant to where I am in my life right now. It might not be so relevant to you—although it could still be interesting—so feel free to substitute these topics for those that relate to your life.
You can find a handy checklist graphic to download below. Print it off, put it somewhere you can keep track of your progress, share it with friends, and invite others to join in the fun. The more the merrier!

So, are you ready? Let’s up level our health, happiness, self-discovery and general wellbeing :)

The 2018 personal growth reading challenge

A book about…

A subject related to your past
A subject related to your future
Achieving your goals
Money
Love and relationships
Families and childhood
Physical health
Spirituality
Personality
Mental health
A skill you’d like to learn
A subject or current event that piques your interest
A book specifically written for your gender
Spirituality
Career
Emotional intelligence
Psychology
Productivity
The mind-body connection
Minimalism/lifestyle design
Self-care
Journaling
Mindfulness
Creativity
Philosophy
A problem or challenge you’d like to solve/improve

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What books do you intend to read? Are there any topics you’d add to this list? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

Further reading (and inspiration for your challenge): 10 personal growth books that have had a huge impact on my life & 10 must-read books that will help you better your relationships & 10 powerful books on self-care that will enrich your life

Photo by Jacalyn Beales on Unsplash

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10 Personal Growth Books That Have Had a Big Impact on My Life

Over the last few months, I’ve been working through the suggestions in Become an Idea Machine by Claudia Azula Altucher. The key concept of this book is you can deepen your creativity by writing 10 ideas around a certain topic each day. One of the prompts was “Tell me your favourite 10 books and one thing you learned from each.” Having read a lot of personal growth books, I found it interesting to think through this question in relation to those. I highly recommend the books in question, so I thought I’d share my list with you today. Each of these personal growth books is very different, but they’ve all influenced my thinking and my life in profound ways.

1. On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers

The lesson: We are constantly evolving and changing as people; that’s a natural part of being human. If we don’t like where we are now, we will change (although that starts with accepting where we are right now), and we will feel the most whole and fulfilled when we open ourselves up to our true experience of life.

2. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

The lesson: Self-Esteem is affected by the choices we make, our sense of responsibility and our morality. I love the questions Branden asks and the practices he suggests.

3. The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

 The lesson: Personal growth is a life-long journey!

4. The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar

The lesson: Perfectionism damages not only our happiness but also (and somewhat ironically) our ambitions and achievements in life.

5. Games People Play by Eric Berne

The lesson: Whenever we relate to or interact with someone else, we are doing so from one of the following positions: Adult-Adult, Child-Adult, Adult-Child, Child-Child. Depending on the situation, the imbalance of Child-Adult and Adult-Child can be problematic and lead to “games” in relationships.

6. Gifts Differing by Isabel Briggs Myers

The lesson: We all have natural preferences for how we relate to the world, which can largely be summed up with four categories: Introverted/Extroverted, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling, Judging/Perceptive. We are all somewhere on the spectrum for each of these things, and our preferences in each of these categories influence how we see and interact with the world.

7. Internal Family Systems by Richard C. Schwartz

The lesson: We tend to think of our personality as existing in the singular, but actually we are made up of multiple “parts” or voices. Each has their own distinct personality, motivations and needs (for example, the inner critic).

8. When I Loved Myself Enough by Kim McMillen

The lesson: There is no one way to behave lovingly towards ourselves; it is present in every situation, in every decision, in how we invite other people to treat us, and more. This is a beautiful book.

9. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

The lesson: Vulnerability, done right, is an act of courage and one that enables us to feel our feelings, live boldly and authentically, and allow ourselves to be seen, whether in life, love, work, or parenting.

10. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

The lesson: Resistance is an eternal part of the creation process. Our main job, whatever we are creating or doing, is to overcome the resistance, sit down and do the work. After that, the rest is comparatively easy.

What personal growth books have had the biggest impact on your life? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

Further reading: 9 books that will kickstart your personal growth & Inspiring Brené Brown Quotes from Braving the Wilderness (and a Review)

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