Hannah Braime's Blog, page 12

The Benefits of Journaling Your Life

This is a guest post by Rebecca.

Journaling is not a new concept. Ever since humans transposed their language into writing, they have kept a recorded history. You may have kept a secret journal or diary when you were a teenager. It was probably hidden in a special place so no one could read your deepest thoughts.

There are no steadfast rules for journaling. Some people just write down the events of the day. Others may also record their reactions to what happened. A journal is a place where people can record their dreams and innermost feelings.

Many therapists recommend that their patients keep journals. It is a good way for them to look back on how they felt a certain day, and what may have triggered a negative experience. Journaling can be a tool to combat depression, reports WebMd.com.

If you have thought of starting a journal, there is no better time than the present. You can either buy a nice blank journal or use a plain notebook. Here are some ways that keeping a journal can benefit you:

Journaling Creates A Personal History

Have you ever wondered what you were doing on a certain day in the past? Keeping a daily journal will chronicle your life. It is easy to just jot down events that you feel are significant. You can see how certain happenings affected the future.

There are a lot of famous people who kept journals. Some ordinary people recorded historical events which made their work famous, such as Samuel Pepys and Anne Frank. You can use your journal to record family traditions and history for your children and grandchildren.

Journaling Allows Your Subconsciousness To Communicate

There is a constant conversation between you and your mind. It is often the things that you do not tell anyone. Expressing your feelings in written words can be therapeutic for you, says an article in PsychologyToday.com. It is a better alternative to keeping your feelings bottled up.

When you review past journal entries, you may become aware of thoughts and feelings that you did not realize you had. No one needs to read them. It is just a way for you to vent and see what may be bothering you. Journaling can give you clues to improve your way of thinking about yourself.

You may have experiences in your life that have left your heart wounded. Let your journal be a personal confidant. It can put you on the path to healing.

Journaling Is Your Creative Outlet

Have you ever wanted to write a book? You can get a lot of practice through journaling. You may choose to use your journal to write down story and character ideas. If you write things down as soon as they come to you, then you will be less likely to forget them. You can also add sketches in your journal if you are artistically inclined.

You can describe a place you are visiting or even jot down some character traits of someone you met. These fine details might help you build a description in your book. If you lean toward poetry, your journal would be the perfect place to keep all of your favourite verses. Journaling improves your skills as a writer.

Journaling Sets Goals For You To Achieve

In order for you to complete a goal, you need to know what the goal is. Your journal can keep track of things you want to accomplish and how to do them. Write concrete goals and what you are doing daily toward them.

While you record your activities and thoughts, you may find things that inhibit your goals. Once you identify the problems, you can do something to change them. Make a record in your journal for each step completed. It will encourage you to continue working until your goal is met.

Whether you call your book a journal or diary, it will quickly become a treasured resource. You build self-discipline when you faithfully add entries every day. It is also beneficial to flip back to earlier writings to see how you have progressed.

It is up to you whether or not anyone gets to read your thoughts. When you keep it personal, it is easier to be honest with yourself. This honesty goes a long way toward healing and finding more satisfaction in your life.

About Rebecca

[image error] Rebecca is an author, entrepreneur and most of all a wife and mother of 2. What she enjoys the most is helping normal people reach their full potential. Rebecca uses her ever growing skills in writing to inspire people and not settle for a normal life. As an entrepreneur, she has no shortage of failures and that is why Rebecca is the ideal person to talk about this.

Would you like to submit a guest post to Becoming Who You Are? I’d love to hear from you! Check out the guidelines here. 

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#110: How to Overcome the Most Common Obstacles to Self Care

This episode of the Becoming Who You Are podcast is an excerpt from the audiobook version of From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life. It’s narrated by Stephanie Murphy, who you will recognise from the beginning and end of each episode of the Becoming Who You Are podcast. She is a superb voice artist and did an amazing job!

From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life is a comprehensive guide to making self-care part of your everyday life.With a balance between practical suggestions, coaching-style questions and psychological groundwork, From Coping to Thriving is designed to give you the self-knowledge and awareness you need to start integrating self-care into your life, instead of integrating self-care around your life. Not only does the book contain hundreds of useful tips and ideas to get you going, it will also take you deeper into related topics like habit-formation, coping strategies and dealing with resistance to self-care.

Today, I want to share with you a chapter of the book on obstacles to self care. You can listen via the podcast or by clicking play on the video below.

If you enjoy this excerpt, you can get the full audiobook through Audible, Amazon or iTunes. $5+ Patrons also get copies of both of my books (including the audiobooks) so if you’d like to support my work on Becoming Who You Are and get the audiobook, click here to find out more and make a pledge.

 

 

Useful Links

From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life: available now in paperback, ebook and audiobook.

Say Hello

Hannah


Facebook: facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare


Pinterest: pinterest.com/hannahbraime


Website: becomingwhoyouare.net

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Subscribe to the Podcast

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Intro and outro: Stephanie Murphy

[image error]If you enjoy the Becoming Who You Are podcast and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

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Are you saying “Sorry” when you really mean “Thank you?”

This year, I decided not to set myself goals but to focus on doing a series of 30-day challenges to explore different skills and projects I’m interested in. Some are based around creative projects (like learning hand lettering), others are more to do with self-improvement. One of my personal growth challenges is to improve my verbal tics. I have a lot of verbal tics that I’m not especially happy with. Like, you know, basically, um, all the time? One of the verbal tics I’m working on this year is saying sorry when I don’t need to.

Sorry is a word that can be a gateway to connection and vulnerability in relationships. It can carry relief, deepen intimacy and pave the way to mutual understanding and compassion. But I feel it loses much of that power when it becomes a habitual and reactive throwaway phrase, rather than a conscious choice of words.

Alternatives to saying “Sorry”

When it comes to my superfluous use of sorry, most times I need not say anything at all. Instead of saying “Sorry” when I need to squeeze past someone in the supermarket, I’m trying to say “Excuse me.” Instead of saying “Sorry, can I ask you a question?” I’m practising saying “Hi! Can I ask you a question?”

Other times, I can substitute sorry for something more accurate (and, in some cases, meaningful). Most importantly, I’m trying to break the habit of saying “Sorry” when I mean “Thank you.” Instead of saying “Sorry that took so long,” I’m saying “Thank you for being patient.” Instead of “Sorry for bending your ear about this,” I want to say “Thank you for listening.” Of course, there are still times when I need to apologise and doing so is important when it’s due. But thinking about this has been a useful exercise in deciding for myself: what warrants an apology? And in which situations am I apologising when I mean to express gratitude?

The inspiration for this comes from a cartoon by illustrator Yao Xiao that shows how this small and seemingly insignificant change can make a big difference to our daily interactions:

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I’m still working on this but I hope that kicking this habit is going to help me be a better communicator all round. Rather than needlessly making these interactions all about me (and the ways I think I’ve messed up), the idea of focusing on what I appreciate about that other person in the moment feels a little kinder, a little less self-involved, and lighter all around.

Do you find yourself saying “sorry” when you really mean “thank you?” How do you stay mindful of this habit? Leave a comment and let me know!

Further reading: The powerful 3-word phrase that makes me a better person & Let’s all stop apologising for these things

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

Image: Claudel Rheault

The post Are you saying “Sorry” when you really mean “Thank you?” appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

Goodbye, April

Let’s say goodbye to the month that has been and get ready for the next with a roundup of 10 questions, recommended reading, and fun/useful links.

[image error] A huge thank you to all my Patreon supporters this month. I appreciate your continued support! If you enjoy Becoming Who You Are and would like to help support the site and the work I do here, I am offering special perks and rewards for patrons so please check out my Patreon page.

Hi friends, how are you? I’m a little shocked it’s already time for this monthly review again. If March felt like it dragged (as I wrote about last time) April went by at double speed. Isn’t that the way it goes, though? I got to spend a week with some long-distance friends and have generally been enjoying time with my daughter, who is now eight months old (talk about life going at double speed…). Parenting is exhausting, no surprise there, but it’s such a gift and an honour to watch her personality blossom and develop as she grows.

A couple of things before we get to this month’s review…

1. I’m working on my next book about self-kindness and I’d love to feature you in it!

When it comes to self-talk, we can feel like we’re the only ones who struggle with things like the inner critic (because, from the outside, it can seem like everyone else has got it all together, right?) So I’m looking for a few people to share their self-kindness stories, with credit or anonymously. If you’re interested in participating, I’ve created a short questionnaire. If I use part or all of your response, you will get a free advance copy of the book as soon as it’s ready. Let me know if you have any questions, thanks for sharing!

2. You can get the audiobook of From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life for free with a 30-day Audible trial. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been grateful and moved to hear from people who have been impacted by this book, including how it was used during a recent writer’s retreat. Self-care is so important to our lives and, I believe, is necessary to us living with the strength, courage and audacity to become who we are. If you’d like to learn more about why self-care matters and what real self-care looks like, here’s the link to get your free 30-day Audible trial and the audiobook version.

10 Questions for you

April

1. What went well this month?


2. What made you feel alive in April?


3. What felt like it was missing this month (and how can you get it back in May)?


4. What is your favourite memory from the last 30 days?


5. What did you read, watch and listen to this month?

May


1. If you could create one thing in May, what would it be?


2. If you were to be 5% kinder to yourself this month, what would you do differently?


3. What events or appointments are coming up in May? How can you make the most out of these?


4. What area of your life would you most like to nurture during the month ahead?


5. What would you like your defining memory of May to be?

Articles of the Month

How to tell people things they don’t want to hear
Superbabies don’t cry (gut-wrenching and absolutely worth reading even if you’re not a parent for her insightful observations about new age thinking)
I am not ambitious; I crave a slow life, a simple life
7 reasons to be wary of overly nice people
A new view of the self: the psychology of connection
Being your true self in a relationship is less important than being your best self
How to detangle productivity and your self-worth

Quote of the Month

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“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people’s lives alone, not interfering with them. Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type. Unselfishness recognizes infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it.” —Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

Book of the Month

[image error]This month I enjoyed reading The Obstacle is the Way: The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity into Advantage by Ryan Holiday. Part philosophy, part personal growth, this is a book I think I’ll be returning to again (and again) in the future. The book is based on the simple principle that what blocks our path is our path. With that established, it explores different ways of thinking about and facing obstacles and challenges in life head on. Whatever challenges you’re facing in life right now, you’ll find something in this book that offers encouragement or perspective on your situation.

I’m also looking forward to checking out Ego is the Enemy, a follow up of sorts, in the near future.

Useful Tool of the Month

[image error]Tara Mohr, a wonderful author and coach for women (and who shared some inspiring and insightful nuggets of wisdom for The Entrepreneur’s Inner World), has started a new series called Weekly Practice.

Each week, she is sharing a small thing we can do—wherever we are and whatever is going on—to help us shift from fear, frustration and frazzle to calm, gratitude and joy. I’ve been enjoying the fact these practices are super simple (and therefore super doable) and surprisingly effective.

She is publishing a new practice each week on her blog and you can find the Facebook group, where people are sharing their experiences with the practices, here.

In case you missed it: on Becoming Who You Are this month

Not sure if you should give up on a goal? These questions will help
#109: Why the world needs you to start taking yourself seriously
The most powerful move to make when you hit the wall (a guest post by Salma El-Shurafa)
Focus on what you can control, leave what you can’t
How to define wellness in your own life (a guest post by Diamond)
18 ways to start the first page of a new notebook

Wishing you a wonderful May! 

Image: Neslihan Gunaydin

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18 Ways to Start the First Page of a New Notebook

I find starting the first page of a new notebook hard. Even though I’ve done it more times than I can count, I feel pressure to make the first page something special, something that will start the notebook off on the right foot. So I usually procrastinate until sometimes I don’t end up using the notebook at all. Which might be OK, except notebooks are my thing. For some people it’s clothes, shoes, handbags, first edition books, or retro Nintendo games. For me, it’s bound pages: lined or blank, squared or dotted, in all shapes, sizes, designs and colours.

At the beginning of this year, I decided to face up to the fact I have a notebook problem, add them to my “not to buy” list for 2017, and focus on using up the ones I have before getting any more. Which means I need to overcome my first-page-phobia (especially when it comes to the “special” notebooks I’ve been hanging on to for years). Here are some ideas I’ve been using to get started.

18 Ways to Start the First Page of a New Notebook

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1. Write out your favourite poem

2. Use it as an inspiring quotes page

3. Start with personal trivia. Include your height, weight, eye colour, place of birth, favourite food, theme song, and so on. Or, write a mock dating profile. What would you want someone to know about you?

4. Write a letter to your future self to return to when you finish the notebook.

5. Use it as a doodle page

6. Start a habits tracker. Keep the tracker for the duration of the notebook.

7. Create a life list. Make a list of all the things you’d like to do or experience during your lifetime

8. Make a list of places you want to visit

9.Write down your goals for the year

10. Start a “Secrets of adulthood” page

11. Make a list of qualities you want to embody or feelings you want to feel (a la The Desire Map)

12. Begin a gratitude journal. Keep adding to it for as long as you’re writing in the notebook and refer back whenever you need a quick pick-me-up

13. Create a key. Do you want to colour-code or use symbols? Use the first page to outline your own custom journal key. This is especially useful for bullet journals.

14. Create a life timeline. Not sure how to do this? Use the stepping stones technique from The Ultimate Guide to Journaling.

15. Start a table of contents. This is much easier if you’re using a notebook like the Leuchtturm which comes with a dedicated contents pages and numbered pages but you can also make your own. Having a TOC makes it easier to quick reference different things you’ve recorded and written about.

16. Do the Wheel of Life exercise

17. Create a mission statement for your notebook. What is it for? Is there a particular purpose or theme to it? What are you hoping to get out of it?

18. Create a time capsule from the current day. Make a note of the day, date, time and details about that day like the weather, the news headlines, any particular current events happening in the world and any significant events in your life. It will be fun to look back when you’ve finished the notebook and see how the world (and your world) has moved on and what else has happened in the meantime.

How do you start the first page of a new notebook? Leave a comment to share your ideas!

Resources mentioned in this post:

[image error]If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

Image: Giulia Bertelli

The post 18 Ways to Start the First Page of a New Notebook appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

               

How to Define Wellness in Your Own Life

This is a guest post by Diamond.

Many of us fall victim to the trap of comparing ourselves to others to determine our overall success and wellness. This is a mistake; we can only be defined properly on an individual basis. Your own wellness is relative to how you have felt and how you will feel in the future.

The same goes for other areas of wellness, including financial, physical and mental wellness. It isn’t something that can be diagnosed by a single visit to a doctor or life coach. In order to define your own well-being, you first need to create a metric by which to measure.

A word of caution: you should always approach wellness with a positive demeanor. It may be that you don’t feel as good today as you did yesterday, but that’s no reason to think you can’t feel better tomorrow than you’ve ever felt before.

Physical Wellness

Your physical state of wellness should be based on several different factors. To begin with, start by thinking of how you feel today based on:

Is how you feel right now different than normal?
Is your health better, worse, or different than in the past?
Are you healthy enough to do the things you like to do?
Are you happy with what you see?
How do you want to feel tomorrow?

A simple question and answer session with yourself can give you a great starting place for defining your physical well-being. For instance, some people never experience pain, while others experience chronic pains every day; yet how you feel relative to your personal “normal” is a huge part in measuring your wellness.

We also all get older; we may not feel the same at 20, 40 or 60 years of age. But different isn’t necessarily worse; it just is. It very well may not be a bad thing to feel less energetic at 60 than you did at 20. Consider your circumstances.

But a big factor in personal physical wellness is being able to do what you want to do. If your goal is to climb mountains, then just being able to do pull-ups or run the mile may not feel “good enough.” If you like bird watching and walking outside, your needs will be different, and so will your measurement of what “well” is.

Don’t forget to reflect either; are you happy with what you see? But understand that such feelings are subjective. You can decide to feel better about what’s in the mirror and your personal wellness immediately improves.

Most of all, plan for tomorrow; if you do want to feel stronger and faster, you’ll need to set positive, attainable goals.

Financial Wellness

By far the most subjective state of wellness is financial. In some cases, entire families living in a single room apartment with barely enough to eat still consider themselves financially stable. They have what they want.

In your case, you need to define where you currently are and where you want to be. It may be that you’re happy with your position in life; you might enjoy your job and feel that your basic needs are taken care of. It’s okay not to have enough spare capital to buy everything you want.

But it’s also important to consider what you’re doing to maintain or exceed your current financial wellness. In a world of technology, staying financially fit means being prepared for identity theft, data loss, and scams; traditional methods such as saving money or balancing the budget aren’t necessarily enough.

To make sure your goals are met, keep an eye on your accounts; monitor your bank statements for unusual activity. Watch out for suspicious emails that ask for personal information or ask you to visit unusual websites.

If managing money isn’t your strong point, it may be worth meeting with a financial counselor to help create a budget and keep your bills paid. Just remember that there’s opportunity everywhere—if you want to work at it.

Mental Wellness

Measuring your mental wellness is done best after getting the rest of your ducks in a row. Poor physical health and bad financial situations can put major stress on your mental wellness. But the reverse is also true.

Defining mental wellness for yourself is based on parameters not dissimilar from physical wellness. You should examine some of the following areas:

Can you concentrate enough to accomplish the tasks you want?
Do you find stress interfering with your job or hobbies?
Is there enough going on to justify your levels of stress?
Can you remember things as well as you would like?

Keep in mind that you shouldn’t compare your levels of concentration unfairly; some jobs require far less concentration while others require years of practice. If you suddenly get a new job or take on a new hobby and find concentrating harder, it may just be because the task is different.

Stress is also important to consider; it might be normal to experience higher levels of stress if you’re constantly moving and working. It may be abnormal to experience high levels of stress while making dinner just for yourself.

Memory is also critical to consider. Our needs vary; if you’re working in a professional field, your memory needs to be razor sharp. If you find difficulty remembering things relative to earlier in your life, there may be something wrong (it could even be in your diet).

While wellness may be a complicated topic, the take home message is ultimately simple enough: you must be your own comparison. Comparing yourself to others is counterproductive, if not harmful. So take a good look at yourself and decide whether or not you feel good.

About Diamond

Diamond is a blogger and tech enthusiast who writes for eHealth Informer. She enjoys discussing the meaning of health in today’s world and how we can best define ourselves in an increasingly information-driven society. You can also find her on Twitter.

Would you like to submit a guest post to Becoming Who You Are? Read the guidelines here.

Image: David Di Veroli

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Focus on What You Can Control, Leave What You Can’t

Before we get to this week’s post, I have a request: I’m working on my next book about self-kindness and I’d love to feature you in it!

When it comes to self-talk, we can feel like we’re the only ones who struggle with things like the inner critic (because, from the outside, it can seem like everyone else has got it all together, right?) So I’m looking for a few people to share their self-kindness stories, with credit or anonymously. If you’re interested in participating, I’ve created a short questionnaire. If I use part or all of your response, you will get a free advance copy of the book as soon as it’s ready

The Most Powerful Move to Make When You Hit the Wall

This is a guest post by Salma El-Shurafa.

It wasn’t too long ago when you were moving at full speed, fueled, fired up and fearless about the challenges up ahead. But somewhere along the way, something changed. The gears shifted, the wheels slowed down. Some days the wheels aren’t even moving at all.

You’ve stopped. You got stuck.

Encountering a block – whether in your career, personal relationships, or a goal you’re working – is a painful position to be in. Especially if you started full of hope and positivity. But it happens, even to the most motivated or driven people.

So what can you do about it?

There is one powerful move that I’ve witnessed and experienced, up-close and personal, to be highly effective for when dealing with roadblocks.

Check Out the Wall.

Runners sometimes experience a phenomenon they call “the wall.” It’s a moment in the middle of the run when they feel they can’t go on anymore.

Runner’s World describes it as such: “You’re in the middle of a run when things start to fall apart. Your legs feel like concrete, your breathing grows labored, your strides turn into a shuffle. Negative thoughts flood your mind, and the urge to quit becomes overwhelming.”

Those who feel stuck can also experience that psychological wall. And when it hits you, it can be easy to feel so much frustration, or even panic.

And here’s something really valuable I learned from working with people from all walks of life, something I never tire of sharing: When something is blocking your way, sometimes the best solution is not to continue charging ahead. Try taking a step back instead.

What happens when you step back? Your perspective becomes clearer and bigger. You can actually see the wall instead of it being a huge blur blocking you and your vision. You’re able to have a good grasp of how tall and strong it is.

In that position, you may see where the wall ends. You realize that you can tweak your path a bit and go around the wall instead of banging your head against it, so you can once again continue on your way.

Often, you just need to take a step back to get on track once again. That’s how you get to check out the wall and understand it, which is key to discovering how to overtake it.

Real-Life Examples

In practical terms, what does checking out the wall mean?

Realize that not being able to move full charge forward is not always a bad thing. At work, for instance, a pause in your career development may mean a path toward a promotion or a better position. When you’re forced to stop, it may be an opportunity to refocus, re-energize or recalibrate your moves.

Check if the psychological wall may be a manifestation of a physical condition. If health has always taken a back seat because you’re always moving and hustling, this pause can be your body’s way of telling you to take care of yourself once again.

Check your vitals. Go and finally see the doctor for that pain in your back. Take advantage of the slowdown to enjoy deep, revitalizing sleep. Take time to take long walks and nourishing meals.

Create disruption. Routines help life become more organized, efficient and predictable. But it can also create a comfort zone so cozy that there is no room for creative and critical thinking anymore. If you’re feeling de-motivated, sluggish and hopeless, maybe all you need to do is to shake things up in your routine.

Do things in a different manner or a different order. If you’re feeling courageous, you can even create entirely new habits. In many cases, disruption is genius because it forces your brain to recalibrate and become sharper at problem-solving once again.

Be kind to someone. Stop from the daily grind and do something good for others or contribute to the greater good. It will help you regain your sense of purpose and belonging. Plus, it’s a chance to give back to the community.

Be kind to yourself. For many driven, ambitious individuals, practicing self-compassion can be extremely difficult to do. If you’ve always been pushing yourself to go beyond your best, self-compassion may even feel counter-intuitive.

But here’s the thing: permitting yourself to view and treat yourself in a kinder, more forgiving manner is actually key to becoming a stronger and more resilient person.

Your Reward

Who knew that the dreaded event of hitting the wall can turn out to be a rewarding moment? Don’t be so surprised. That’s what you get when you dare to look at the world in new ways and open yourself to the process of self-love and self-discovery.

About Salma

Salma El-Shurafa is an executive coach and founder of The Pathway Project (TPP). TPP provides tailored executive leadership and career development coaching to professionals who are navigating the dynamics of the global UAE market. Salma works with a wide variety of individuals in the Middle East, Asia and Europe, ranging from directors and managers at Fortune 500 companies as well as entrepreneurs across industries, and other professionals.

Would you like to submit a guest post for Becoming Who You Are? Find out more and read the guidelines here.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to support Becoming Who You Are, check out our Patreon page. Patreon is a simple way for you to contribute to this site and support the free content, tools and resources here. As a thank you for your support, you can get special Patron-only perks and rewards; find out more here.

Image: Joel Peel

The post The Most Powerful Move to Make When You Hit the Wall appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

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#109: Why the World Needs You to Start Taking Yourself Seriously

Are you comfortable with owning your wins, successes and celebrations? This is something I’ve struggled with and I know from talking to clients, friends and others that I’m certainly not alone. In this episode, I talk about why the world needs you to start taking yourself seriously and how we can stop downplaying the things to celebrate in life and start feeling more comfortable with taking up space in the world.

Useful Links

The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar


From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life

Say Hello

Hannah


Facebook: facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare


Pinterest: pinterest.com/hannahbraime


Website: becomingwhoyouare.net

Get a Free Audiobook from Audible

This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. If you enjoy Becoming Who You Are, you can support the show by registering for a free 30-day trial using the link below. As part of your trial, you’ll get a free audiobook and can cancel any time.

Subscribe to the Podcast

Intro and outro: Stephanie Murphy

Image: Cris Saur

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Not Sure If You Should Give up on a Goal? These Questions Will Help.

Let’s talk about goals. Specifically, let’s talk about when it’s time to give up on a goal.

While having goals can certainly be helpful, the fact is not all goals are worthwhile. Sometimes we don’t realise this until we give a particular goal a try. Sometimes, the reality of working towards a goal turns out to be very different from what we imagined it would be. Whatever the case, we can find ourselves in the sticky middle where we’re just not sure what to do next.

Most goals come with their challenges, obstacles, ups and downs. This is part of the course and can be a growth opportunity. Other times this is a sign that a goal is no longer a good fit or relevant to our current situation. The key is knowing how to discern between the right time to persevere and when it’s in our best interests to stop.

Earlier this year, I enjoyed reading Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvorsen. If you’re currently asking “Should I stay or should I go?” Heidi suggests a few helpful questions for deciding whether it’s time to give up on a goal:

Do I want to give up on a goal because I don’t believe I’m capable?

According to Heidi, this is the one reason we should never give up on a goal. Despite what our inner critic (or other parts of our internal dialogue) might tell us, it’s not true. If we stop pursuing a goal based on this notion, we’re just re-enforcing this belief. It will only be stronger—and therefore a bigger hurdle to overcome—the next time we set ourselves a challenge.

If you’re dealing with this belief, take a look at your mindset. Do you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? Do you believe capabilities and intelligence are fixed traits? Or do you think they are things that can grow and develop with time and experience? As you might guess, the latter is the most helpful (and the most rational) approach. Heidi explains it’s important to unhook our sense of self-worth from what we achieve and focus on “getting better” rather than “being good”. If you’re interested in going deeper with this mindset shift, two great books that tackle this subject are The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar and Mindset by Carol Dweck.

Is this goal conflicting with other goals I have?

If yes, then it might be time to adjust it (or the goal it’s conflicting with). For obvious reasons, conflicting goals don’t work well together. That doesn’t mean you can never pursue the goal you stop now, but consider shelving it for review at a later date.

This also applies if you’re pursuing several goals at once and not making progress with any of them. We only have a finite amount of time and energy in each day. Taking on too much at once is more of a hindrance than a help and is a common form of self-sabotage.

What’s my intention for pursuing this goal? What is my biggest motivation?

Motivation generally falls into one of two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation is internally generated. In the book, Heidi talks about intrinsic motivation growing from three core needs:

Competence: being able to influence your environment and get the things you want from it
Relatedness: loving and being loved
Autonomy: the freedom to choose and organise your experience

If we’re pursuing a goal for extrinsic reasons, we’re usually doing so for validation or to boost our sense of self-worth. Extrinsically motivated goals are unlikely to satisfy us or make us happy. If you suspect your goal is more about getting approval and validation from external sources, either shift the goal so it’s more aligned with the needs above or ditch it in favour of something that comes from your internal desires and wants.

Is this goal costing me too much in terms of stress, relationships or other resources?

Sometimes we can have the right motivation and it can just be the wrong goal. If a goal’s negative effects on your life are outweighing its positive, that’s a sign it’s time for a rethink. This might be about the way you’re approaching it or about whether the goal itself is workable at this time.

When it’s hard to give up on a goal

Sometimes, it’s hard to stop pursuing a goal even when we know deep down it’s the right thing to do. This can happen when the goal is part of our identity or self-image. It can also happen when we don’t want to stop because we’ve sunk a lot of time and energy into the goal already (called the “sunk cost fallacy”) or we don’t want to feel like a failure.

Even when this is the case, we usually know deep down when stopping is the right thing to do. More often than not, the thought of giving up comes with a visceral sense of relief. We might notice our shoulders drop an inch—or several. We might notice ourselves take a deep, long breath. We might notice our mood shift to one that is lighter and more hopeful.

If you know the best thing you could do is to stop pursuing one of your goals but doing so feels hard, try replacing it with another, more suitable goal. Think about what you’ve learned from this experience and use those lessons to create a replacement goal that is better aligned with your needs, values, priorities and commitments.

How do you know when it’s time to stop pursuing a goal? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Further reading: 5x5x5: The Simple Way to Achieve Your Big Hairy Audacious Goals & Are Your Goals Helping You or Hurting You?

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Image: Michelle Spencer

The post Not Sure If You Should Give up on a Goal? These Questions Will Help. appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.