Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 15

Having Courage Doesn’t Mean You Never Fall Down

We talk a lot about fears and facing them, of pursuing goals and dreams and the fortitude necessary to achieve them.  About quests, and the myriad tasks to master, and demons to deal with along the roads to our destinies.

But one thing rests below the surface of all of these things: The courage required to get there.

I love quotes about courage, and there are so very many of them.

Starting from Cicero: “Without courage, none of the other virtues matter.”

To Shakespeare’s: “Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.”

To Maya Angelo’s: “Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”

And in practice: “Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but rather the facing of it.”  Oft-quoted in myriad forms.

We think of this in terms of magnificent quests, no?  Scaling that mountain, sailing off with Odysseus across the untamed seas, facing the beast at the gate.

But in reality, courage is a must for meeting our day-to-day lives.  Just the act of getting up, going to work every morning, dealing with all the insanity it takes to even arrive there, much less the day itself, month after month, year after year, in order to take care of oneself and one’s family, well, that can often take a pretty decent amount of courage.  Just keeping on keeping on.

But courage isn’t “out there” somewhere; it’s not about facing an outer conquest at all, but rather, just like its evil twin, fear, lives staunchly within your own breast.

If you don’t find it there, you don’t find it anywhere.

We have a tendency to think, however, that you either have it or you don’t.  Where did we get this idea?  I blame books and movies    I mean, without a heroic quest of some sort, you don’t really have a movie.  Or a book for that matter.  Our main character is our hero or we quickly lose interest.

And while some folks surely must be just born with the virtue, for most of us, it’s realized as we face the trials of our lives, from learning to walk to summiting Mt. Everest.

It’s mastered in steps.

Some of those include running screaming into the night in fear.  Having courage doesn’t mean you never fall down . . .

The most courageous among us face the deepest fears.  But we face them every day, in small ways and big, as we keep putting one foot in front of the other toward our goals.

In books and film, we watch as the hero gains more strength as she goes.  As she masters one test after another—even through her fear—she grows not only stronger, but more courageous as well.  The outer conflict always mirrors the inner one—that place where fear resides firmly in her breast. Otherwise there would be no conflict!

And then of course at precisely 7/8 of the way through the story, the climax occurs and she faces the depth of her fear in order to summon the courage to confront the final monster.  All the previous has just been building her up to be able to do so.

Our lives are the same, although they don’t play out in the 3-Act, 12 plot-point manner of a novel or film.  But through facing conflict, we grow.  We gain strength.  We find the essence of courage alive in our very souls.

Lola, the old crone (and everybody’s favorite!) in the upcoming launch of I Just Came Here To Dance, portrays courage at every single step of this journey.  We see it in her. We hear her admonitions to practice it.  We watch her tackle the final crux of fear we’ll all have to face, with enough courage that it spills over onto all of the other characters in the novel, and to the reader as well.

In a pivotal scene with a tortured young man we want to love but watch fall deeper into the addiction pit, as he unleashes his fear and fury on her, Lola sits calmly but firm.  Her manner harsh, many would say.

But her reply to him was simple:

“I earned my strength,” Lola said.  “Staring down reality didn’t turn me yella.”

And it’s always our choice.

How do you find the courage to go on?

 

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Do Less and You Will Find More Peace

That old Protestant Work Ethic (PWE).  Many of us were brought up under it, had it instilled in us, woven into the very fabric of our beings.

We found this at home, at work, even in our places of worship.

“Idle hands are the Devil’s Workshop,” was seared into our brains.

We did a lot growing up.  My dad worked long, hard hours, and so did my mom.  And so did we.  In addition to school and chores at home, we swam competitively (2-a-day workouts), and ran a swim school in our backyard.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember when we slept!

Yes, the PWE serves you well.  Hard work does pay off.  And while that’s a great thing when you’re focused on a goal, it can just become about the work itself if you’re not careful, rather than the gain.

Sounds paradoxical, no?  But sometimes you’re running so hard you just churn into a big vat of butter like Little Black Sambo.  A book that of course has fallen out of favor for its stark racist overtones.  But sometimes when you’re running so hard, you can’t begin to see the forest for the trees.

When I started my editorial business over 25 years ago, I followed the advice of Ted Turner: “Advertise and work like hell.”  I figured if it worked for Ted, then it should sure work for me.

And it did.  My business grew and prospered.  The success of my editorial clients is just huge! (50+ books sold to traditional publishers.) I am so proud of them all.

But what happened along that road was that my own writing suffered.  Because not only did I not have the time to write, I didn’t have the space in my brain for creativity to blossom.  Writing fiction requires it.  I learned to really write fiction 30 years ago while living on the farm, having farm chores of course but those didn’t fill up a day, and with the peace and quiet to let creativity bubble up from the deepest resources of the subconscious mind.   

That’s where the muse lives.  Whether in writing or painting or making music, the voice of the muse is never, ever the loudest.  She doesn’t compete with all that outside noise. The best you might get from her during crazy times is a soft whisper on the wind, which if you haven’t slowed down at least some you’ll miss anyway.

It took me a while to realize where I went off track, but realize it finally I did. I loved Dr. Deepak Chopra’s mantra of: “Do less, accomplish more.”  But it puzzled me.  I didn’t really have a place to put that in a being filled with that old PWE.  I mean, how could this possibly be?

So I’ve chewed on it for a very long time, and as with anything you stick to, understanding dawns.  Sometimes in pieces, sometimes in chunks.  Sometimes it’s a brick falling on the old noggin.

Many studies  have shown that boredom spurs on creativity.  They often disagree as to why (conclusions), but the results all point to the same thing.  And when science backs up spirituality, well, it always tweaks me  

Which circles me back to my stint on the farm.  I had just enough work to keep me half-time busy, didn’t see people a lot, which left a vast ocean of quiet for creativity to percolate in my mind.  Peace thrives there.  And yes, boredom would arise.  And my creativity would surge.

Yep, I got away from that.  And hey, a girl’s gotta make a living, so I’m not in any way sorry for this time of just crazy work schedules, and building my business.   If that were my main goal, no problem would exist.

But, it’s not.  My main goal is writing stories. 

So I’ve switched my life around again.  And now I can find those pockets of boredom, which quiet my mind, and the peace that comes with that, and again I’m writing.

For you, what does peace mean?  Where do you find it?  Try doing less and see if it doesn’t come, unbidden.

 

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Do We Even Know What Makes People Happy?

Well, come to find out we do!  Even though this may seem like a nebulous science, psychologists of course study these things.  Quantitatively.

And have been studying happiness for long enough to give us rock-solid insights.

I just love when science proves theories.  It tweaks me. 

The things we once thought created happiness, most of us found, didn’t.  Those have been proven as well.  Money doesn’t buy it (although try being truly poor—it does consume you).  Even health doesn’t, as was a common wisdom up ‘til now.  Unless you’re terribly ill and suffering, of course, health doesn’t have much effect on happiness.

Funny enough, no extrinsic motivation plays a part in what makes people happy.  You know, engaging in something in order to win a medal, a promotion, a gold star.

We talk a lot here about how happiness is an inside job.  And studies  have now born that out, finding, in part, that once you’ve been externally rewarded for performing, you assign too much importance to that.  And then you need more of it to sustain the feeling.  So that the thing you perhaps once loved to do becomes a chore or an obligation, as it’s now tied to the external reward, rather than just engaging in it because you love it.

I allowed this to happen recently.  I absolutely adore Labrador Retrievers.  Love everything about them, and love showing, competing, testing in obedience and field, and just the joy of being with them.

So then my competitive nature took hold, and titles became really important.  I mean they are—that’s why we do all this training!  LOL.  But I started to feel pressure to earn titles.  And you guessed it—the training ceased being fun.  Once I realized that, I backed off, loved my dogs, and now compete for the fun of it again.

So, in scientific terms, what makes people happy?

PLAYING TO YOUR SIGNATURE STRENGTHS.

Everyone has things they’re naturally good at.  And other things that, well, maybe you’re not so good at.  And while working on weaknesses helps you to improve, come to find out, when you play up those strengths, you’re happier.  Not rocket science, but people often have to be reminded to do so!  Especially when you’re going against the flow of common wisdom.

Martin D. Seligman, PH.D.’s work bears this out. His studies showed how the happiest people play to their signature strengths.  And that while doing so may lead to choices that baffle or shock others, they lead to lasting personal satisfaction.  (You can take his test for free, and find yours!)

GETTING IN THE FLOW

You know that feeling—when you’re so immersed in something, the world around you disappears and time stands still.  Claremont Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the phrase to describe this phenomenon, and has studied it extensively.

It doesn’t matter what the activity is, only that you lose yourself when doing so.  That’s what writing is for me.  Especially when immersed in writing fiction, I’m in that world—the place, with the people, going through the course of a story.  The outside Earth fades completely away, and I’m one with my fictional landscape.  It’s my way of prayer.  As Csikszentmihalyi says, a life of activities in flow is likely to be one of great satisfaction.

It really is the journey.

THINKING POSITIVE.

So many studies have borne this out.  One that tweaked me showed that Olympic bronze medalists who felt lucky to get a medal are happier than silver medalists who thought they missed the gold!  Makes sense, no?  Although that seems like a no-brainer, how often have you marred your own happiness by negating a nice placement by wishing you’d have won?  I know I have.

Then I think how silly that is. If I did my best, enjoyed the process, then I’m happy with the recognition.

How we think about events is much more important to our well-being than the event itself. 

GRATITUDE

Of course, something I talk about a lot!  Psychologists have studied this for decades now, and spiritual teachings have always shown it.  Keeping a gratitude journal, can change your life. 

Because you literally cannot be in gratitude and fear at the same time.  And as A Course in Miracles teaches, there are only 2 feelings in this world: Love and Fear.

Gratitude is Grace.  It’s the quickest and surest way I’ve ever known to lead you to being happy. 

And it takes the entire extrinsic motivation out of the process.

And finally:

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS.

Another no-brainer, right?  But talk about the coolest proving of anything ever!  The Grant Study followed a group of men throughout their entire lives.  Detailed in Triumphs of Experience by George E. Valliant, the study found that “The capacity to live and be loved was the single strength most clearly associated with subjective well-being at age eighty.”  

Wow. 

Only one characteristic distinguished the happiest 10% from everybody else: The strength of their social relationships.  The more social support you have, the happier you are. 

I can vouch for this ‘til the Sun loops around the Universe.  And I’m grateful every single day for those closest to me.

So, play to your strengths.  Get in the flow.  Think Positive.  Be grateful.  Hug your friends and family. 

Enjoy your life.

How do you find happiness?

 

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Stop Trying to Be Successful

Well, doesn’t that just fly in the face of all things people working on happiness and positivity and toward a big goal focus upon.  I mean the whole point of the exercise, in whatever endeavor, is to be successful, no?

Of course.

But the point here is not to quit being successful, but to quit trying to be.

And this isn’t some semantics’ thing!  I’m not saying this in the sense of what lots of coaches say whenever you use that verb: “Don’t try to be something, get up and be it.”  Which is all good and true, but not what we’re getting at here.

The trap so many folks fall into when pursuing anything, from a better golf game to achieving that promotion to standing atop the podium somewhere, to following new-age spiritual thought about focusing from the end, is to get tunnel vision on the prize.  But the essence isn’t in the thing they’re striving to attain, it isn’t in the winning of the thing.

Yep, that’s the carrot.  The prize at the end of the day. And while it’s fine to dream it, want it, the desire itself being the force that propels you on, when you’re focused on that end, you miss the boat that’ll get you there.

Athletes know this better than anyone.  And I tend to use studies about them to prove points because in most sports, the method for quantifying success is pretty cut and dry.  Yes, many “judged” events are out there.  But most sports are timed, measured, results given in absolutes.

In other words, unless the 100-yard-dash guy trips the runner next to him, whoever has the fastest time wins.

So how does one find that road to success?

By following the road, rather than focusing on the prize.

Athletes have long visualized their performances before competition.  And that’s the key—they focus on the doing of the thing, not what happens after the finish line.  It’s a fine line, but one I hear people getting mixed up about every single day.

Swimmers visualize each stroke, each turn, where they’ll make their moves at the 75 yard mark.  So do runners. And pole vaulters.  And football players.  So do gymnasts and figure skaters and golfers.  They see themselves performing through every single move they’ll face, accomplishing each element that they’ve trained for every day of their lives.  Feeling it in their muscles as they execute at the highest levels.

In short, walking down that competition road, focused on one step at a time.

All wins, whether in the Olympics or the board room, live and die in the process.

That old, “life is about the journey” saying.  Because, everything’s in the journey.

Funny thing too, this is how to become a person of value. By valuing the process, you bring value to yourself.  Knowing that every move—even the missteps—brings you closer to your goal.  What you learn along the way brings a deeper understanding of yourself, and hopefully, the life you’re living.

And all of that in pursuit of a goal.

It’s one of the reasons I so firmly believe that to live a rich and rewarding life, you have to stay in the game—whatever garment that game is dressed in for you.  There’s a reason 14% of men die 5 years after retirement, which doesn’t have to do with simple aging . . .

And it’s also the very thing I say to people who tell me, “I want to write a book.”  (ed link) Great!  But don’t focus on the Mt. Everest that writing an entire book may seem (and be). Instead, sit down and write the first paragraph.  And then the next.  Take it in segments, and focus on each scene being the very best you can make it.  If you do this every day, by the end of the year you’ll have that book written.

So, quit trying to be successful.  Focus instead on the steps to get your there, the journey to the brass ring rather than the shiny ring itself.

I love the brilliance of Sports Psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lardon.  He’s worked with and studied elite athletes (and been one himself) for decades.   As Lardon says, “This human predilection to be strictly results-oriented is toxic to the elite performer. When you stay more process-oriented and focus on mastering the controllable variables, you inevitably accomplish greater results.”  –Finding Your Zone

How do you become successful?

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4 Steps to Keep Fear from Owning You

Nasty little bugger, that fear.  Many times it bubbles up from the expected places.  And sometimes it flies in your face from a sudden realization or occurrence.

But when it settles in, it’s always about a future event. 

Having that right now.  Over the last few days news came of the truly terrible kind from a dear friend.  Our small tight-knit group is trying to process it, and thank God we have one another.  But prognosis is not good.  The road ahead looks dark and deep with a yawning abyss at the end, and from that, fear keeps flying up with the snarling face of a bloody-fanged monster.But we’re not there yet, are we? And so even though the fear bites in the present, what it’s about lies in the future.

And one thing I know for true: This demon will do me absolutely no good in the interim.  What will happen, will happen.  And being afraid of it does nothing but keep me out of the present moment, which is the only place I truly can live. 

This is a demon I know.  I’m sure you also know it all too well.  I can look at it perched on my shoulder and say, “Well, hello there, fear.  Not so nice to see you again.”

And then before he grabs hold of my intestines and twists them to the breaking point, I know what to do.

4 Steps to Keep Fear from Owning You

      Look it in the eye. Acknowledge its presence.  Pretending it’s not there or denying it and stuffing it into the dark only causes it to grow stronger. 

That’s what my “hello” to it does for me—I face it.

And once I do that, I can already feel its talons losing their grip.

     Stop the negative thoughts. Fear thrives on them.  Especially those circular kind that repeat 60,000 times per day, seeping deeply into your subconscious (from which you live) and sowing all manner of havoc on every part of your life.

Just stop it.  Say to the negative thought: I am stronger than you.  You will not own me.

      Redirect your mind. Even in times of horror, positive thinking is a choice.  So is negative thinking.  So if it’s my choice either way, why would I subject my mind, body, and spirit to negative thoughts all day, and the train wreck those produce?

Because there is always something to be grateful for.  And by focusing on that, on something good and whole and life-sustaining, a thing that causes my heart to fill with love, I can literally feel my body become stronger.

Gratitude and fear cannot live in the same space.  It’s my choice which one to allow purchase.

       Persist. Dealing with fear, especially when the situation will be sustained for a while, requires diligence, fortitude, and commitment.  Otherwise it’s far too easy to slip straight back into the black abyss that terror brings.

I do this by repetition. Whether it be a quote that becomes my mantra for the day, or a song that lifts my heart.  Corny as it sounds, Pharrell’s “Happy” can dance me out of the doldrums.

Even if I’m hearing and singing it through tears.

Today I need a meaningful quote for my mantra, and I’ve settled on this Sanskrit poem:

“Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Look, therefore, to this one day, for it and it alone is life.”

 How do you live with fear?

 

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If You Gotta Have Habits, These Are Good Ones to Have

I bet you can list your bad habits.  Can’t’cha?  When you think of habits, what pops right up are all those things you need to change.  Been meaning to change.  Know you should change.  Promised your spouse, your mother, you would . . .   Etc.

Because that’s what we tend to focus on—what we do wrong. 

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because we all can improve.  But if we continually focus on our negative habits, we can’t, by definition, make new and positive ones. 

I’m of the Mark Twain prescription for how to do this: “A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.” 

Because, well, our habits are parts of us or they wouldn’t be habits in the first place!  And we have to learn to let them go.

One of the best ways I’ve found to do this is by cultivating good habits instead. 

And to do that, you shift your attention from what you don’t like about you and the things you do, to what you do like about those same things. And then, strengthen them.

Because what we focus on does expand.

For examples of some of the big ones:

Almost everyone I know wants to lose weight.  And that’s the focus—losing weight.  They diet and count calories or bread crumbs or now, all the rage, gluten.  They’re all intent—just intent!—on what they can’t have.  So, what they can’t have grows larger and larger and larger in their minds, and before you know it, instead of a piece of Beth Clark’s oh-so-luscious fudge after dinner, they eat the whole pound of it.  (I was just the recipient of said fudge, thank God and Beth!)

Isn’t that just nuts? But it’s the way every single diet I’ve ever seen anyone go on works.

I’m a diet non-believer.  Diets make you fat and unhappy.  Nearly 100 % of the time.

Know what makes you healthy and happy?

Eating food.  Just good, nutritious food.  And the more you eat of that, the less you eat of the nutrition-less junk that makes you fat.

I mean, man, it’s summer! All the glorious fruits and vegetables!  I’m on a peach fest right now, my peach tree plump and abundant with luscious fruit, the juices streaming down my chin many times a day!  Yum, yum, and yum!

That doesn’t mean I don’t eat fab things full of fat and sugar and, horror of horrors, white flour sometimes.  But when I’m focused on those peaches, who wants cake? 

Hand-in-hand with that is exercise.  OMG, do all the women I know pretty much hate it!  Again, they focus on the bad habit of couch-potato-hood.  On how derelict they are for not exercising. How awful the gym is.  Etc.

And I don’t blame them for the last one—the gym is one of the most boring places on earth!  I know—I lifted weights for a very long time.  And hated every single second of it.

One day I woke up and said, “Why am I spending a minute of this precious life doing something I hate?”  All those minutes, hours, days and days added up, which I’ll never get back . . .

So instead, I focus on what I actually like to do to move my body.  So my own personal habits revolving around exercises shifted.  Now I do Pilates (which I absolutely love), and Classical Stretch, and walk.  I walk a lot.  Outside.  In nature.  With my dogs.  Talk about a huge win there!

And I’m healthier now than when I ran and lifted weights.  But now I’m doing things I love, and not one day arrives where I waste a second doing exercise I hate. 

This can be applied to any situation in this universe.  Now, if you’re indeed a substance addict, Twain’s way probably won’t work.  You actually will have to toss the substance out the window before you can coax the habit down the stairs.  But for everyone else, any situation can be flipped on its head here. 

As another example, if you have a bad habit of watching too much TV in the evenings, don’t get rid of the TV! (Although I’ve known folks who have done that.  It’d just make me cave at some point and go buy a bigger one).  Instead, focus on a great book you want to read, and read it for an hour after dinner every evening. Then turn on the TV.

The point being, don’t go into withdrawals, focused on what you can’t have.  Instead, identify good habits to have, and apply those.

And it’s just amazing watching good habits coax the bad ones down the stairs.  Often, you don’t even realize it’s happening until you look up and go, “With all that walking (and peaches!), I’ve lost another pant size.  Who knew!”

Because again, what you think about really does expand.  And focusing on positive things is the very best habit to have.  

 

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How Do You Keep on Keeping on in the Face of Great Odds?

We all hate to fail.  Of course we do.  We don’t set out to accomplish anything with the thought of failing in mind.

Okay, so I’ve always thought with pre-nups before marriage folks were hedging their bets.  In fact, I’d love to see a study of the percentage of people signing those whose marriages do go kaput!  But that’s a different story 

In anything we undertake, however, the odds of failing, at least somewhere in the process, are high.  There are those people who sail through post-graduate school and never stumble, not once.  I’ve heard of them, though I don’t know anyone personally who has done that.

As just one example, the percentage of people entering a Ph.D. program:

“About one in five people in the life sciences drop out entirely during the program. And by about year six, according to the project data, only about 42 percent of doctoral students in the life sciences will have completed their degree, 34 percent will still be slaving away at it, and 24 percent will have thrown in the towel. For the math and physical sciences, only about 39 percent complete their degree by year six, 27 percent are still going, and 34 percent have dropped out.”  http://www.benchfly.com/blog/are-we-f...

WHAT’S THE SECRET OF SUCCESS?

What’s that internal thing that causes some people to succeed at the highest levels, and others to fall by the wayside?

Learning from failure and picking yourself up off the mat and trying again.

I know it’s hard—trust me, I know!  I often wonder if I chose a crazy path in some other life, stubbornly sticking with it once I got here.  Or if I’m just plain stubborn.  Or, garden-variety nuts.

Because I chose a creative path.  Not just to do on the side, but to revolve my life around.  And anyone choosing the arts as a vocation has to be a mixture of the above.

Because while earning a degree in rocket science must be incredibly arduous, a well-worn pathway does exist to get there.  You know if you accomplish A, you’ll get to B.  And so on.  If you have the aptitude, the wherewithal, the stick-to-it-ness, don’t fall prey to the many demons along the way, you’ll earn your degree and a job will be had.

In the arts, not so much.

The road for an artist is filled with twists and turns and no clear way spreads before you.  While oft-trod paths are discernible, what works for one artist doesn’t for the next.

And even once you master whatever craft, no yellow-brick road appears to take you to that brass ring.

YOU HAVE TO FIND IT YOURSELF 

And even if you do everything right, that doesn’t mean the pieces will all fall into place and you’ll be a financial or literary or artist success, in the usual manner we weigh such things.

Authors, if they’ve been in the trenches long, know this.  The stark realities hit us in the face fairly soon (that being a relative term, as it’s usually years down the road when one realizes only a very few “make it” in publishing).

And in that very grind, most fall away.  I’ve seen it all my professional life, seen writers come and go, discouraged, disheartened, taking personally their lack of success (I mean, it is difficult not to do so—we’re not selling bread dough here, but parts of our souls).

I’m sure it’s the same for other arts, but writing and publishing is what I know.

AND YOU DO HAVE TO REALITY TEST. 

How many decades do you hone your craft, putting out wonderful work, for it not to be acknowledged but by a few?  Is this nuts?  Should I grow up and “be” some professional person, “succeeding” as the world views it?  Isn’t that what being an adult is all about?

Can you tell how many times along this path I’ve asked those questions?

The answers of course are unique.  No two writers have the same set of life circumstances.

EVERYONE HAS TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS, BASED ON WHAT’S BEST FOR HER LIFE 

Personal traits and attributes play huge parts.  The ability to be humbled to one’s knees and keep getting up and trying again may be termed courage.  Or, insanity.  Or anything in between.  But it’s up to only the person to decide which (often at many junctures), and whether to keep keeping on.

Our industry is replete with those who’ve fallen and never risen again.  For every John Henry Toole, author of Confederacy of Dunces (which is one of the most brilliant books I’ve ever read), who after beating his head against publishing’s wall to no success in selling the manuscript, killed himself—not too terribly long before it did sell and go on to huge acclaim—there must be thousands of writers who’ve done the same and we never knew about.  Sadly, I know some personally.

So again, the field I know is replete with monsters.

And although I counsel writers every day as to what it takes to persevere in this business, it’s not one I would recommend lightly.  Link to ed site

SO WHO DOES SUCCEED?  AND WHY?

It depends a lot on what you believe to be “success.”  I know, that sounds like a dodge.  But it’s actually the heart of the matter.  If success is bestsellerdom, ah . . .  let’s have a nice glass of Pinot and talk about it.  If, however, success is writing the very best books you can possibly write, sticking it out, finding an audience—no matter how big or small—well then, how tough is your skin? is always my first question.

In essence, you have to do it for you, not for worldly acclaim or that big house on the lake.

Ah, then, we can talk about how to get up off that mat every time you get knocked down.  Because knocked down, you will be.

You will fail far, far more times than you will succeed.

What you do with that failure, how you react, whether you persevere, learning from the fall downs, those are the only reactions that matter.

And yes, you can always choose a different road.  One that’s not so bruising, which doesn’t cut your legs out from under you at every turn.  There is nothing to be ashamed of for doing so.  Those people probably are saner anyway!  But they’ll still meet with failure of some kind.

I often remember what philosopher Og Mandino said in A Better Way to Live: “Remember that even the most successful lives contain chapters of failure just as any good novel does, but how the book ends depends on us. We are the authors of our years, and our failures and defeats are only steps to something better.” 

So how do you keep on keeping on, in the face of great odds?

 

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3 Key Ways to Learn to Accept You for You

Women, especially, often have a tough time with this.  The psychology of why is complicated, but goes back to a girl’s need to be “chosen” while growing up.  And to understand and let go of that can be a bear.

I’m tweaked by Martin Seligman’s studies that showed girls are actually more optimist than boys—until puberty.  But let hormones hit, and everything changes.  The social pressures on female adolescents are of course enormous.  Looks and social stature become primary, and girls are flooded with “model” figures and faces to aspire to.

And nobody quite looks like Barbie. 

So girls try and “fit in.”  They starve themselves to be thinner (anorexia affects females at a far greater percentage than males—only about 10% of people with anorexia and bulimia are male). They take on different personas to be popular.  They do a litany of things to become the prettiest, the most liked.

And what happens quite often is that girls become female imposters. 

That magical girl they were in childhood goes AWOL, and it can take a lifetime to find her again.

And if that authentic self doesn’t get found, a lifetime of neurosis spreads yawning and deep before you.

So what’s a girl to do?

The real self—the authentic self—still resides within.  Our job is to dig away all the societal and familial dirt, to unearth her so that once again she can see her true song. 

3 Key Elements comprise doing so.

      Self-Respect.

You know, it’s tough to have self-respect if you’re living a lie.  Funny thing about that.  And when you’re not being you, with all your faults and foibles, that lie becomes pervasive.  Sometimes it’s difficult to know who you truly are, as all those “should” and “musts” and “got-tos” rule your world.

So first and foremost, ferret through those.

What do you really believe?  Not what you were “raised” to believe, but what is in your own heart and soul?

What do you aspire to?  Not what someone put in your head you should “be,” but what do you want to do with this one beautiful life?

What are you good at?  Where are your strengths?  List those.  List them, own them.

You are uniquely you.  And the world is a much better place when you give of your gifts to it. 

As mythologist Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”  That’s what this life is about. 

      Practice Self-Acceptance.

Once you get clear on your hopes and dreams, your strengths and virtues, your fears and Achilles’ Heel, accept you for you.

Easier said than done.  Sometimes accepting either the positive or the negative is tough.   Males tend not to have the problem with positives.  They own those quite readily.  But I can’t begin to count the number of females I’ve encountered who have the toughest time saying, “Thank you,” when praised for a talent, strength, accomplishment.

We were taught to be modest, no?  At least our age bracket was!  Growing up, any compliment was to be met with a demurred response of some sort, or even outright denial.   Many, many, many of us have had to learn to own our strengths. 

I’ll never forget when I first realized this.  When someone paid me a compliment, I immediately looked down and said something to the effect of, “You’re too sweet.”  It took many teachers to convince me that response would send me sprawling!  But once I saw it for what it truly was, I vowed to own my strengths.  A long process, and those old tapes still play, but I’m getting better at it every day 

       Doing the first two will Build Confidence.

Once you realize that you—yes, even you!—have strengths and talents, once you accept those, once you start acting upon them, you blossom.  The strengths become mightier, the faults wane if never completely go away.  As you learn to deal with the real you, accept yourself as you are while pursuing what you want to be, confidence grows by bounds and leaps.

It becomes a cycle of the best kind—as confidence grows, you achieve more, you are more, you can do more.  Which makes you more confident.

There is nothing quite like living an authentic life.  Dancing to your own drummer.  Shooting for that far-off star.  Takes confidence to do that.  And you gain it by acting on your strengths, focusing on those, while working on your weaknesses.

None of us on our death beds want to realize the tragedy that befell Ivan Ilych in Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilych, when he uttered, “What if my whole life has really been wrong?” 

There is only one of you on this planet.  What a shame it would be not to have the very best you to add your talents and gifts to this world. 

Accept yourself.  And go bloom!

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14 Things that Make Me Smile

Because boy, do I ever love to smile.  It makes me happy.  Which makes me smile more!

So I often just think of things that do so.

Here’s this morning’s list:

      Labradors swimming in the tank.

Which we did this morning early!  Because when we train water, they smile.  Big, fat, joyous smiles, with water spraying everywhere.  Which makes me happy.

       The birds outside my window right now, fluttering in the bird bath. 

God knows it’s hot, hot, hot!  And those birds are having a raucously good time. Wings all a-flutter and the slight slanting through causing prisms all around.

       Peaches.

Coming off my tree.  By the boatload!  How cool is that?  All that juice running down my chin, the taste sensations on my tongue, ah!

      Writing.

Okay, so that’s always my perpetual way to finding happiness.  And as I type this, I realize that always and perpetual is redundant.  Don’t’cha just love words?  They tweak me 

       Fudge.

How can you eat fudge and not smile?  Especially made by the brilliant pastry chef Beth Clark.  Whose confections are world class.  And who delivered me some for my birthday!  Yum!

       My new puppy, Murphey.

Who can’t go swimming yet because she doesn’t have all her vacs, but watches from as close as she can get, longingly!  But then she got to retriever her little dokken many times and boy, was that ever the coolest beans ever!  If I ever need look for something to make me smile, I need glance no further than my feet.  Too cute for words.  How can you not have a Labrador puppy? 

Woops—I think she just peed on the carpet . . .   Bad mom!

      Coffee. 

Mine is my fav this morning—Hawaiian from Keurig.  Maybe I’m not supposed to name names!  LOL.  But it’s soooo good!  Don’t you just love that rich cup of coffee all a-steaming?

      A talk with my good friend Nancy this morning.

Okay, so a talk with my good friends always makes me smile.  But this was in the middle of the morning, and I felt as if playing hooky.  And we laughed and cried some too, but it was just the best visit . . .

      This cool Joseph Campbell quote I read this morning:

“Just as anyone who listens to the muse will hear, you can write out of your own intention or out of inspiration. There is such a thing. It comes up and talks. And those who have heard deeply the rhythms and hymns of the gods, the words of the gods, can recite those hymns in such a way that the gods will be attracted.”

Joseph Campbell, The Hero’s Journey, p.124

OMG, is that just the coolest?  I just wrote an editorial blog post on this very thing! Yes, you can outline plots, but wow, when the characters take off on their own stories and you just get to chase after them, there’s nothing, nothing, nothing in the world like it.  What a rush!

       Texting with my blogging coach right now, Renee, who just make me laugh out loud! She’s such a hoot. I think she wants me to do more stuff!  More tasks than I’m doing?  How funny is that?  
       The arcs for my new novel!

Oh, what a rush!  I Just Came Here to Dance will be out soon! Pub date September 15, 2015!  SO excited!

How did that get to be number 11?  LOL.

Because I just now thought of it as I’m smiling about everything else  

       Such huge support for the book from my friends!

All of whom are so excited for it.  Cheering it on! I have the best friends in the entire world J

      My stitches come out tomorrow.

Now that makes me smile!  Boy, am I ever ready.  They’re starting to pull and . . . well, you know about stitches!

       That I have so many things to smile about, makes me smile even more!

 

And did I mention I like to smile?  It makes me happy and . . .

What makes you smile?

 

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Maybe for Just One Day, Give up on Positive Thinking

Life is not all roses.

Dang it!  Don’t you want it to be?

I know I do.  I want everything to work out (the first time).  I want my books to do well (and those of my editorial clients.).  I want my girls to win in the show ring, and excel in the field.  I want everybody to be nice (and get along).  I want healing for my friends and family undergoing treatments. 

I want.  Perhaps I should just stop there!

Deep desires of the heart are fabulous in that the passion drives us to succeed.  But those also come with deep disappointments when we don’t. 

And staying positive in the face of defeats is, well, difficult.

I mean, look at my list above.  Now, that’s not fraught with perils and demons!  I mean . . .   What could possibly go wrong?

Okay, now that I’m picking myself up from the floor for laughing out of my chair, let’s get real.

Lots of stuff goes wrong.  Every day or week or month or year . . .  Sometimes things don’t work out for decades.  Seriously.  But since giving up is a toughie for me, the time does come to stop the positive spin, take off any blinders, and assess the situation for what it is. 

Sometimes when focused so sharply on positivity, we get this idea that to give in to the feelings of defeat is a sin.  So we stay positive no matter what.

And that’s not the point.

If you’ve been beating your head against a wall for a very long time, and all you’re getting for your time and trouble is a headache, maybe the time has come to reevaluate. 

Is the problem the challenge itself?  Have you gone about it the wrong way?  Are you missing something?

I’m having that dilemma right now.  One of my girls is out showing. She started great!  And has had some success.  She’s always in the ribbons, has taken the points and also been Reserve many times.  But we all thought she’d just zip through.

What gives?  There’s more to figuring this out than just staying positive.  And often, I have to let reality sink in, with all its negative emotions, feel them, wallow even, before I can start to see with an unadulterated eye.

And that often doesn’t feel good. 

But when looking through the lens of reality, I know that my girls are different.  Shock!  They’re not the huge mooses that often go up at Specialties (although we have). And they’re too much for the all-breed ring (although Wick’s been winning there).  What I think is right, splits the middle seam.  Which, well, makes it difficult.

Should I just bring her home?

But I have to get over those feelings of defeat before I can start seeing this for what it is again.  Yep, I could do it differently—one way or the other.  But I believe what I’m doing with this breed is correct (else, why do it).  So in the harsh light of day, I remember, again, why I’m doing this. And stick to my guns, no matter what happens in the ring.

It’s when you maintain that positive attitude to gloss over reality that, as Deepak Chopra says, you’re just mood making.  And that comes with lying to yourself, which is never, ever helpful.

So, when you’re on the path toward positivity, do you always have to be light and laughter and smiles?

If you are, you’re a wee bit shy of your truth.

One thing that came clearly to me through spirit’s voice (and isn’t that always cool? When you can hear it, speaking words you would never say) was clear as a mountain stream: “God didn’t make you for defeat.” 

Wow.  That got my attention.  Once I quit glossing over, looked at the situation for what it was, felt the feelings (defeat being primary among them), and shook off the rose-colored glasses, a directive came straight from spirit.

Now, what I do with that information is up to me.  But it so got my attention to listen, pay attention, get quiet and hear.  And when I did that, the next step came.

God didn’t make you for defeat either.  What are you glossing over with positivity and missing the deeper essence of?

And I’m laughing—just as I finished this, I got word that Wicked took a 4-point major today!

 

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