Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 3

on younger men

Ok,

I have a really,really great guy friend. Lately I’ve been getting this feeling that he likes me and my friends tell me they think he likes me. And I think we would make a good couple; I’m always laughing when he’s around, and I generally have a great feeling about myself when I talk to him. I’ve known him for several months, and we’ve been on “group dates”. But here’s the glitch: He’s a year younger than I am. Technically 10 months, but close enough. I’m looking for a relationship where I can fall back on the guy, that he would be the person to protect me and guide me. I get the feeling that it should be the other way around in this situation, since I’m the older one. Do you think this is something I should be doing, or should I look for someone my own age, maybe a tiny bit older?

—Rocking the cradle?

Dear Rocking,

Let’s see: he’s nice, he makes you laugh, he makes you feel good about yourself. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT DATE HIM! NOT THE NICE SWEET GUY! NO!

I am trying reverse psychology on all of you. Is it working?

Okay, here is the thing:

1. Ten months is not really an age difference. So what if he’s a tiny bit younger than you?

2. However, if you’re looking for a relationship where you can ‘fall back on the guy, that he would be the person to protect and guide’ you, then you have way bigger problems than his age. Your problem is that you are a time traveller from 1956 (cute poodle skirt!). Because here in the Modern Era, that is not what relationships are for.

I am a fan of Life in the Modern Era because we have texting and Cinnabuns and stretch leather (how do they do that? how?!?). Oh and also because today relationships are about making you feel strong enough in yourself to take on challenges. People protect *one another* in relationships. Teachers and parents and Bono and maps are for guiding. Boyfriends and girlfriends are for encouraging and inspiring. And it sounds like this guy does exactly that to you. So if you are going to be staying among us in 2006, go for it! Fly free! Have fun! Ask him out!

(That is not reverse psychology)

That’s all for today my little marshmallow peep pals. Be brave!

airkisses

Dr. J

I just want to be friends

michele-

okay now i really hope i dont sound like some horrible person here but i have a problem. i have a boyfriend and i really like him-as a friend. he on the other hand is crazy in love, i dont want to break up with him because he’ll cry and be sad which i dont want. i know i should tho especially since iv come very close to cheating on him with this other guy. i really like the other guy and sometimes its very hard not to just cheat especially since my boyfriend will never find out. And i cant just stop seeing either of the guys b/c im friends with them both…i dont know what to do…help!!

thanks

dazed & confused

Dear d&c,

There is a simple rule of thumb for this: treat him the way you’d want to be treated in that situation. You’ve just got to level with him. If you don’t, you’re both going to end up getting more hurt. Tell your boyfriend you really like him but, increasingly, only as a friend. Say something like “You’re a great guy, but I don’t feel this is the best relationship for both of us.” Although what you are saying is hard to say (and hear), if you say it in a compassionate, caring way, that will help ease the trauma.

(Oh and P.S. if you cheat he’ll find out. I’ll tell him. No for real, that kind of thing always comes out. Plus, you will be depositing bad relationship karma in your lifetime account and it will come back to haunt you three times worse. At least.)

(Also, lying causes zits)

(For real! Its SCIENCE.)

(Some Scientists even say that is really what happened to Pinocchio, that it wasn’t his nose that grew when he lied but a zit ON his nose. That is what lying can do.)

(What? You didn’t? Yes, Pinocchiology is a very famous branch of Science.)

college unbound

Dear Michele,

I don’t know if this is the right place to be asking this but I figured since you are a harvard grad you must be the expert on all things to do with University! I’m having a hard time adjusting to Uni right now….Don’t get me wrong I’ve made good friends and the classes are pretty fun and thought provoking…It’s just that I’m really overwhelmed with the workload! Does it get easier? I get scared and stressed whenever it comes time for a paper or an exam. Do you have any advice on how to help make things easier?

–Uni-initiated

Dear Uni,

I graduated oh, like, two million years ago and I STILL have nightmares about having to take an Italian final I forgot to study for. So that feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed out is part of the experience! Its fun!

Okay, its not fun, but it is the reason that University provides such a great bonding experience. Because everyone is stressed out, and the people who aren’t are either 1. lying 2. geniuses 3. not going to do very well and in any case they are 4. not your problem.

But it does get easier. You’ll figure out what you HAVE to do, what you SHOULD do, and what you can PRETEND to do. And then you’ll find more time for mingling with interesting people and having fun. Because an important part of university is trying new things, hearing new viewpoints, and coming up for clever names for the “food” they serve you in the dining hall.

Okay here is a super top secret, just for you. Don’t tell my parents. Promise? Or my professors? Double promise? Pinkie swear? Okay: one of the most useful things I learned at University wasn’t something from a lecture, or even how to get a stain out of my roommate’s white leather dress that zipped up the back that I borrowed without asking her permission and accidentally got Hershey’s chocolate syrup all over it when I was—er, never mind. Where was I? Oh, right: one of the most useful things I learned in college was how to speak intelligently about things I had not read. Seriously, that is a lifelong skill that will take you places. And its not as easy as it sounds. Because its about listening carefully, paying attention, and knowing how to ask intelligent questions. If you can do all those things, you will find a lot of opportunities.

(IMPORTANT SAFTEY ANNOUNCEMENT: This blog does not endorse the wearing of white leather dresses that zip up the back. Ever. Just stay away from them. Trust me.)

airkisses,

Dr. J

Me: Trying to be funny. Him:Thinking I’m being rude. Me: Help!

ok,

so there’s this boy that I like, and I’ve tried the CIAO ideas,

but I’m stuck with the I. what kinds of questions could I ask a guy,

older than me, that aren’t dumb, such as “are you trying out for the

play?” also, how is it my friend can say all this flippant stuff to

any guy and it’s hysterical, but if I say it it’s mean/rude/sarcastic?

please help!

Boy Crazy

Dear Boy Crazy,

You are trying CIAO! You are my heroine! Hurrah. And to reward you, I’ve devised a simple three step solution for you, the BAD solution.

Step I: Breathe

I asked a friend of mine who is a professor and studies sarcasm (for real—you can make a living studying sarcasm) about this, and he says the difference between sound flip and joking and sounding sarcastic is about changes in the tone of your voice. In other words, you could say the same phrase, but if you say it in a tone pretty close to your natural one, it will sound like a joke. Whereas, if you say it in a tone higher or lower than your normal one, it will come off as sarcastic. Often when people are nervous, they talk in either a higher or lower tone of voice because their vocal cords are tight due to them not BREATHING enough.

If that is what’s going on with you, then hurrah! We can fix it.

Here is how:

Breathe.

Slowly breathe in and out before talking to him, to make you dizzy, I mean, relaxed. Relax your throat and your vocal chords. You can also at home experiment with the different tones in your voice and see if you can tell from how it feels when you talk when the tone is lower or higher (You may notice that your neck, jaw, or upper chest feel tense after talking to him or you feel out of breath.)

Okay, now that you know how to talk to him, you just need to know what to say.

Step II: Ask

What you say is easy too. In the CIAO program, ‘I’ stands for Interview. I really meant it when I suggested putting together a “Questionnaire” like about student life at your school, or songs people want to hear at a dance, or what people think are the top 5 most important issues facing the world today.

Other good and more lighthearted questions could include, “What would be on your perfect mix tape,” “What would your criminal mastermind name be”, and, a personal favorite of mine (since it is the basis of my book Bad Kitty), “What is your super power.” I’ve tried them all at parties and they all work very well. But there is a key to using the power of the interview.

Step III: Diversify

It may seem counter intuitive, but not focusing all your attention on Mr. Dreamy is the best way to secure his attention. Remember to ask your questions not only of him, but to his friends as well. That makes the conversation more general, and should help relax you—letting you act like yourself, which is the best way to act. It will also show him that you’re not afraid to play with the older boys, and help him see you as confident, outgoing, and intriguing.

Now go out there and be BAD.

 

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Ignore Tip #5

Are you ready to travel to Adviceopolis? Goggles, check? Seat belts, check? Helmet, check? Delicious snacks, check? LIFT OFF!

hey so,

i have this friend and she is really clingy to my best friend and i. we don’t really like her at all but she doesnt seem to be taking a hint. how can we ditch her without really ditching her?

–3’s a Crowd

Dear 3aC,

Wouldn’t it rule if there was a friend version of Static Guard? And you could spray it on people who are too clingy and get them to stop sticking? And making your hair stand up on end? And causing unsightly bulges in your group of friends?

Sadly there is not

Or is there?

The way to ditch Clingy without ditching is to do the Reverse Ditch. That means: you get her to ditch you. NOT by being so mean to her that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. That is bad karma and also just bad. Instead, by being nice. Super nice. Explicitly, by giving her a MAKEOVER.

Clingy is clinging to you even though you’ve dropped hints that you don’t want her because she feels insecure and doesn’t know anyone else. So you need to raise her social stock by making over her reputation or her appearance or both. Make Clingy feel more confident, and make other people want to be friends with her. Soon she’ll be too busy with her new friends to stick to you.

[Little Life Lesson: if you go to the Static Guard website and click on clothing/fashion tips, ignore Tip #5. You should never need that tip because you should never do what it describes. Ever. And no, I am not going to say what it is. Do not ask me again.]

***

Dear Michele,

Does wearing lip gloss gross boys out and make them not want to kiss you? I’ve always wondered….

Lip gloss chica

To the contrary, mon petite bonbon, lipgloss can be Come-Hither sauce for boys. Of course, some boys may not like it, but basically here is how it works in Boygebra (boy algebra):

Lipgloss=lips

Lips=kissing

Kissing=good! Fun! More please!

But don’t wear lipgloss because boys like it. Boys also like hitting each other on the butt with dirty gym socks. Wear lipgloss because you enjoy it’s sparkly and sometimes delicious goodness for yourself.

[No, I am still not telling what tip #5 is. Really, its for your own good. I’m protecting you. I am still trembling from reading it.]

That’s all the advice niblets for today. Be delightful!

Airkisses,

Dr. J

[okay fine I’ll give you a hint: it involves the phrases “wear sandals” and “with socks” next to each other. There. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? NEVER. WEAR. THOSE. THINGS. TOGETHER. EVER. Please]

I’ve never been on a date

Dear Michele,

I’ve never been on a date, even though I’ve been in college for two years. I’m afraid that there is something wrong with me and that maybe boys don’t like me. My friends think that I’m pretty. I’m tall (5’10″), smart, and I’m nice to people. What are boys thinking? Am I intimidating? What is wrong with me?

Love

Only the Lonely

Dear OtL,

There is nothing wrong with you. Except—okay, I have to ask:

Are you a throw pillow? No? Then why are you lying around on the couch waiting for someone to ask you out?

Ho ho ho. I am so sneaky slash funny. (drying eyes from laughing at self).

Seriously, all you have to do to get rid of this problem is pick a guy you like and ask him out.

Wait, what ? You’d never do that? That’s too hard?

Hee, now YOU are the funny one. Jolly joker, I can’t—

Oh. Oh I see. You weren’t joking.

Sigh.

Riddle me this: why would you think its easier for a guy to ask you out, then it is for you to ask him out? Right. So you are just going to sit around while a guy gets over everything you’re feeling? I sure hope that couch is comfy.

Here is the embarrassment-free-easy-does-it-never-fails-method for asking a guy out: say “[insert name of friend], [insert name of other friend] and I are going to the [insert place you go like movies or coffee house or lawn bowling] tomorrow, want to come with us?” Notice the strategic use of the word ‘us.’ That makes it casual. If he says no you can say, “You don’t know what you’re missing” in a sllllllllllllly, flirtatious yet lighthearted tone that will underscore the casual ‘us.’ And if

he says yes, you do a (discreet) dance of joy and then during the event make sure to pay extra attention to him so he gets the idea that you think he’s totally Jordache (has the look you want to know better).

How to Make Friends (you actually like)

Dear Michele,

I make lists. (Once I made a list of lists I had made!) My most important list currently is my “People to talk to more and become friends with” List. Unfortunately my list has two major flaws. The fist flaw: The list goes very slowly. It’s hard to just start talking to someone you don’t really know! Once you talk to them once they usually don’t just say, ” Let’s be best friends now!” Once I thought I was friends with someone, but then after winter break it was like they had forgotten we had ever talked, so I had to start over. The Second flaw: As I become closer to people who I have crossed off my list, I feel further from my original friends, so I put them on my list, and get nowhere. Do you have any advice to help my list go smoother?

- Compulsive List Writer

Dear Listy,

I love your idea of making lists. You sound very organized and I applaud that. Would you like to come organize my office? Ha ha just kidding my office is totally organized. Depending on your definition of ‘is.’

Here’s the thing: lists are good for motivation, but sometimes they minimize the distinctions between things. And the thing is, there are different levels of friendship.

Think of friendship as a PROM DRESS.

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Behold, the Prom Dress of Friendship. (Please believe me that it was much cuter before Blogger got ahold of it). On top you have the Bodice, which stands for your closest friends, the ones who are nearest to your heart. And as you move downward, you get friends who are less close, your Skirt Friends, those who are fun and amusing but less close to you, and more For Entertainment Purposes Only than Crucial To Your Healthy Survival.

Like a bodice, Bodice Friends protect your business, hold you close and support you. And like a bodice, because you rely on them they can on rare occasions feel like they are strangling and poking at you, and on other rare occasions feel like they’re a bit loose and you have to move very carefully to keep from loosing them and having your boobs fly out where everyone can see because you listened when your mom said that double sided tape would work just fine and HELLO MOTHER IS THIS FINE? IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT? NO I DO NOT WISH I’D LISTENED TO YOU AND GOTTEN THE UGLY DRESS WITH THE—what? We aren’t talking about my fifteenth boobday, I mean, birthday? Of course we weren’t, I can’t think where that came from. I’m so OVER that. Silly silly silly. Ahem. Now where was I?

Oh, right. Okay, so your closest, oldest friends are your Bodice Friends. And your newer friends and acquaintances are your Skirt Friends. Just as skirt style and length and fullness change with different seasons and styles, so the number of skirt friends and their identity will change as you experience different things. Skirt Friends are always fluttering around you, near you but not directly connected to your person the way Bodice Friends are. For that reason they aren’t as reliable and permanent as Bodice Friends.

It’s natural that some Skirt Friends will move up and become Bodice Friends, and (less often) Bodice Friends will become Skirt Friends. This process usually happens slowly and it can be a bit painful, but its normal: everyone changes dress sizes in the course of their lives.

By remembering the distinction between Skirt Friends and Bodice Friends, you should be able to make better use of your list—moderating your expectations for your new friends, and remembering to treat your original friends with the care they deserve.

Because they have your back. And your front.

(LITTLE LIFE LESSON: Double sided tape does not work to hold a strapless dress up if you are 1. flat chested 2. sweating from dancing to Duran Duran 3. both)

That’s it, my charming charmsters.

Be good. Ish.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Frenemies

Dear Dr. Jaffe,

I think that my best friend is manipulating me. She puts me down

sometimes so I feel bad. Just little things like how I weigh more

than her and how she has had many boyfriends while I have never had any.

Also she acts moody sometimes and I start to think that she’s mad at me or

something then she’ll ask me to do stuff for her and I’ll do it because I

think she’s mad at me. She can be really bossy sometimes. I’m sick of her making me feel inferior and I want her to stop but also I don’t want to stop being friends with her because I still like her. Is there a way to have her

stop bossing me around and me to be more independent from her?

–Where Did I Go?

Dear WDIG ,

The fact that you realize you’re being manipulated and want it to stop is the very first and most important step. You’ve already done the hardest things so bravo! You are in a tough situation and one that is, unfortunately, very common, but lots of people never get to the place you’ve reached. Pat yourself on the back and do a tiny “I’m proud of me dance.”

In junior high and high school, friendships change and get redefined, and friends turn into FRENEMIES overnight. You probably feel like you’re in a no-win situation because if you complain, your “friend” might make fun of you or cut you out of her life entirely. But if you don’t, you’re trapped.

Okay, so what to do when your friend turns into a Frenemy?

I think of friendships as beef tacos (yes, I think of most things as beef tacos). Alone each part is just a tortilla and beef. But when they go together just right, they are something sublime.

Unfortunately, sometimes the beef tries to take over, and sometimes the tortilla gets too full of itself, and that is when things go wrong. So to start off, lets figure out what a friend is.

Ask yourself (and consider writing down the answers):

What do you want in a friendship?

What would a friend have to do to get you to leave the friendship?

What are your responsibilities as a friend? What do you get to ask for?

What happens if you don’t do what she says? How do you feel? What is her reaction and what is yours? What do you think those reactions should be?

Once you’ve come up with your very own personal definition of a taco, I mean, of a friend, you’re ready to go on to the next step.

Figure out what kind of sacrifices you are willing to make to be friends with this person. You need to draw a line for yourself. Sometimes you’ll cross it, that’s part of the learning process. But establishing it is there will help you realize WHEN you’ve crossed it, when you’re sacrificing too much.

And when you feel like that has happened, write it down. Then write down how it makes you feel, and what you wish were happening instead. Let it all out, your anger, betrayal, how being manipulated makes you feel, everything. Be as specific as possible about events and their impact on you. Then go to sleep.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. (dream of something good. Like tacos!)

The next day review what you’ve written. Take out all the angry parts, and hone it down to a calm, non-confrontational but specific statement that you can use to talk to your friend. So like, instead of saying “You know that time you made me talk to that guy and when I wouldn’t do it you told me I was being a baby and kept pushing me, and you acted like a total skank? What were you thinking, skank?” Say “When you wouldn’t listen when I told you I didn’t want to talk to that guy, it made me feel bad. I know that isn’t what you meant, but that was the result.” Practice what you want to say a few times (like 10) until you can do it calmly. Its scary, I know, and that is why the practice is helpful.

Then tell her. Its useful to both begin and end by saying something along the lines of, “I think you’re awesome and I love being friends with you and that’s why I’m telling you this.” Assume that she did not mean to make you feel bad. She might get a little defensive (even for a few days), but if she’s a true friend, a friend who is worthy of all you have to offer, she’ll back off and listen.

And if she doesn’t, you have to decide what is important to you. Go back to your answers to the questions about what makes a friend, and see if you are giving up more than you’re willing to. If you are, you can keep her as a side friend, like refried beans are to taco—they can be a gas, but they can also make you a little uncomfortable, and they’re not crucial for an enjoyable taco. If you decide she’s just beans, work on becoming closer to other people. The more tacos you have, the more you guarantee you’ll never be starved for friendship.

***

For this next letter, I’m turning to you guys to help me with the advice. This is about friendships with boys. It’s multiple choice and there are no wrong answers! Eaaaaaaaaaaasy.

Here’s the question:

Hello,

I was just wondering what you thought it means for a guy to give a girl a high five? Do you think that its just “Hey what’s up?” Or do you think maybe it is “I want to touch you but I am scared.”

“High Five’d Out!”

Is the guy

A) Just saying “what’s up”?

B) Saying “I want to touch you but I am scared because I have a crush on you and am shy”?

C) Other [please specify]

Send me your thoughts at advice@michelejaffe.com and I’ll post the majority opinion at the end of the week.

Until then, Happy Friend Awareness Day!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Why can’t I talk to guys I like?!?!

Hi Michele,

Well, I have a big crush on a guy right now and I don’t really know what to do about it. He and I are in choir together but we don’t get to talk that often, since we’re in different sections. He’s a year older than me, so he’s not in any of my classes, and I rarely see him in the hallways. I feel like I don’t even get a chance to talk to him… and furthermore, I wouldn’t know what to say. I am possibly the worst flirt in the entire world, and I get really quiet around the guys I like.

I know you’ve suggested things in the past like inviting them on a group date, but he and I don’t really have any mutual friends, so I’m not sure how that would work.

Any advice would be mucho appreciated!

I like a Choir Boy

Dear I like a Choir Boy,

“I get shy around people I like” has been a regular theme recently here in Adviceopolis, so before getting onto your case SPECIFICALLY, I want to present the Single Dose Adviceopolis cure for I-Like-This-Person-And-Therefore-Cannot-Speak-To-Them-Itis:

Instead of thinking “I want to date this person and ride around on milk white ponies with them forever” think, “This person seems nice, I wonder if we could be friends.”

First, because this will take the pressure off of talking to them.

Second, because its true: if you haven’t really talked to the person, you don’t know if you want to go on Sunset Pony Rides with them because you don’t even know what they are really like. They might not even be worthy of your tongue tiedness!

Okay, fine, you’re saying. But you still need a way to talk to your Choir Boy, even if you’re not thinking of him as a Pony Rider (much). Don’t worry, we have your back on that too. Voila:

1. Make cookies

2. Give them out at choir

3. Smile and say “Hey” in a flirty way when you give him his

4. Later on, ask how he liked his cookie.

5. Then ask something about your choir teacher (why does s/he wear frilly socks; does s/he have a toupee; what his/her favorite Justin Timberlake song is)

6. Repeat number 5 as often as possible until you are comfortable talking to him

7. Say “hey want to get coffee after school some time.”

8. Get to know him better and decide if you like him.

Done and done!

^^^^^^

Be TNTerrific!

Dr. J

Bye Bye Shy, I’m giving Brave a Try

ok,

in 6th grade i met this guy that i fell really hard for. We would always joke around with each other. Then i moved away and had many crushes but the thing is i could never really get him out of my mind. Finally i realized he was my ideal guy and that’s my standard for guys. At the beginning of this year, my junior year, I moved back to where i lived before….and he still lives here. the first semester i only saw him in the hallways…. i know he recognized me but he never said anything to me and i never said anything to him. I’m an extremely shy person and could never walk up to a guy and talk to him. i’ve been thinking about writing him a note telling him i’m sorry for anything i ever did that i might have hurt his feelings in 6th grade or is that just too much?

—Still Hung up on You

Dear SHY,

Step away from the note paper. Back. Away. Slowly. Also from the post-its.

Are you standing far away? Good.

Here is what I *wish* you would do instead: walk up to him and say “Hi! I feel goofy doing this but we knew each other in sixth grade and we always used to joke about [insert thing you joked about]. Remember?” And start a conversation  like that.

You could even add something about how you didn’t say this to him sooner because you were afraid he would have forgotten about you and no girl likes to hear that. When you’re talking to people, admitting you’re nervous or joking that they might not remember you both helps to make those feelings go away and also suggests a certain amount of confidence, which can be pretty appealing.

Think about it: it takes some guts to say “I feel silly doing this.” Yes, I hear you yelling “but I’m SHY! I’d never do that!” and I’m ignoring it. Because this is the best way. Chances are the reason he hasn’t spoken to you is because he’s shy too and worried you don’t remember him.

Doing this doesn’t have to be scary as long as you’re prepared. You can practice what you’re going to say ahead of time in a mirror or in writing. My old journals have pages and pages of dialogue complete with recommended hand gestures that I wrote to practice what I would say to guys I liked. Today I have absolutely no recollection of any of those guys, or how any of my suave talks (“Those shoes you were wearing at practice today were really cool. [Flip hair and point with index finger. REMEMBER TO PAINT NAILS!!!] Where did you get them?”) went over. Which is to say: no matter what happens, even if its embarrassing in the moment, it won’t scar you for life. Or probably even for a week. And also to point out that I know where you’re coming from. And that is why you should do what I say. [Nod head]

You have nothing to lose by initiating some kind of contact with him. Either he’ll be nice, (which I anticipate) in which case you’ll get to have a great friend and possibly more. Or he won’t be, in which case you’ll find yourself getting over him very very quickly. Because we do not like guys who are not nice to us do we? No, we don’t. [Shake head].

Airkisses,

Dr, J

P.s. if you stillllll refuse to talk to him, even though that is the method most likely to get good results, you may write him a note, but NOT an apology note. Apologizing for something you might have done five years ago makes you seem both kOoKiE and insecure, two qualities not likely to get you onto anyone’s Person Of Interest list. Make the note short and funny, maybe something like “Hey remember me? From sixth grade? I thought I’d pass you a note to recreate that elementary school feeling. How are you?” [Smile at him as he looks up after reading it.]