Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 5
October 3, 2013
YA Scavenger Hunt! NOW OVER
The YA Scaenger hunt is now OVER. For results and to see who won fabulous PRIZIES visit here.
Woooooooooohooooooo! In honor of the upcoming publication of my new book Minders, I’m very excited to be participating in the YA Scavenger Hunt. This tri-annual event was first organized by the tigertastic Colleen Houck as a way to give readers a chance to gain access to exclusive bonus material from their favorite authors…and a chance to win sublime prizes. One lucky winner will receive signed books from every author on the hunt in my team including an advanced copy of mine, four months before it is in stores! That’s like a whole library delivered right to your door. It could be yours! But only if you play fast: this contest (and all the exclusive bonus material) will only be online for 72 hours.
Then, like a taco at breakfast, it will vanish. What? Tacos are too for breakfast! So, the basics:
What is it? Everything you need to know can be found on the YA Scavenger Hunt page. There are THREE contests going on simultaneously, and you can enter one or all. I am a part of the GOLD TEAM–but there are also a red team and a blue team filled with awesome authors giving away delicious signed books. You can see a list of them here.
How do I do it? Somewhere in the post below,I’ve included my favorite number. Look carefully–at first glance it might look like nothing [that is a hint!] and there will be other numbers scattered around, but only my special favorite will appear in beautiful, sparkling (use your imagination) gold,like a coin tossed into a fountain for luck [that is another hint!]
To win the hunt, you simply collect the favorite numbers of all twenty authors on the gold team, add them up (you can use your fingers) (or a calculator), and then enter the total on the entry form here. Make sure you fill out the whole form to officially qualify for the grand prize! Only entries that have the correct number will qualify, so start flexing those fingers.
Will it hurt? No.
Are there any rules? Yes! The Hunt is open internationally; anyone below the age of 18 should have a parent or guardian’s permission to enter. To be eligible for the grand prize, you must submit the completed entry form by October 6, 2013, at noon Pacific Time. Entries sent without the correct number or without contact information will not be considered.
Ok now that we have all the details out of the way, let the games begin! I am lucky to be hosting the lovely Tracy Deebs. Say hi, Tracy.
Hi everyone!
Tracy collects books, English degrees and lipsticks and has been known to forget where—and sometimes who—she is when immersed in a great novel. At six she wrote her first short story—something with a rainbow and a prince—and at seven she forayed into the wonderful world of girls lit with her first Judy Blume novel. From the first page of that first book, she knew she’d found her life-long love. Now a writing instructor at her local community college, Tracy writes YA novels that run the gamut from dark mermaids and witches to kissing clubs and techno-Armageddon stories… and she still has a soft spot for Judy.
Tracy is the author of the Tempest Maguire series about a girl who is half mermaid, half human, and 100% awesome [100 is NOT my number!]. Tracy is giving away a copy of book #3 [also not the number!] in the series…
Here’s the nail-biting description of , Tempest Revealed:
1/2 [still not the number]-mermaid Tempest Maguire is trying to have it all: fulfilling her duties as second-in-line to the merQueen Hailana while periodically returning home to the California coastline to be with her family and longtime boyfriend, Mark. Living under the sea and rebuilding Coral Straits is grueling work, while being back home reminds her of everyone she loves and misses. But when her old flame Kona arrives bearing news that Hailana has died and Tempest is now officially merQueen, she returns permanently to Coral Straits–even though it devastates her family and rips her apart from Mark. Once there, she discovers that an old enemy has resurfaced, hell-bent on taking over her throne…with or without her. As Tempest prepares for her final showdown against Tiamat and anyone who stands with her, she must decide what–and who–is really important to her. Because there will be few survivors in the ultimate sea battle that is brewing–and Tempest isn’t sure she will be one of them.
Um, W-O-W to the 20th [not. the. number.] power. Don’t forget to enter the contest for a chance to win books by me, Tracy, and more! So keep on going. Your next stop on the Hunt is Cynthia Hand, author of the Unearthly Trilogy. There’s zero chance you’ll regret it! And come back and see me here. I’ll be posting advice AND giving away advanced copies of Minders in a mad frenzy during the next month.
click the cover to learn more
Mad frenzy! Don’t miss it.
Airkisses,
Michele
YA Scavenger Hunt!
Woooooooooohooooooo! In honor of the upcoming publication of my new book Minders, I’m participating in the YA Scavenger Hunt. This tri-annual event was first organized by the tigertastic Colleen Houck as a way to give readers a chance to gain access to exclusive bonus material from their favorite authors…and a chance to win sublime prizes. One lucky winner will receive signed books from every author on the hunt in my team including an advanced copy of mine, four months before it is in stores! That’s like a whole library delivered right to your door. It could be yours! But only if you play fast: this contest (and all the exclusive bonus material) will only be online for 72 hours.
Then, like a taco at breakfast, it will vanish. What? Tacos are too for breakfast! So, the basics:
What is it? Everything you need to know can be found on the YA Scavenger Hunt page. There are THREE contests going on simultaneously, and you can enter one or all. I am a part of the GOLD TEAM–but there are also a red team and a blue team filled with awesome authors giving away delicious signed books. You can see a list of them here.
How do I do it? Somewhere in the post below,I’ve included my favorite number. Look carefully–at first glance it might look like nothing [that is a hint!] and there will be other numbers scattered around, but only my special favorite will appear in beautiful, sparkling (use your imagination) gold,like a coin tossed into a fountain for luck [that is another hint!]
To win the hunt, you simply collect the favorite numbers of all twenty authors on the gold team, add them up (you can use your fingers) (or a calculator), and then enter the total on the entry form here. Make sure you fill out the whole form to officially qualify for the grand prize! Only entries that have the correct number will qualify, so start flexing those fingers.
Will it hurt? No.
Are there any rules? Yes! The Hunt is open internationally; anyone below the age of 18 should have a parent or guardian’s permission to enter. To be eligible for the grand prize, you must submit the completed entry form by October 6, 2013, at noon Pacific Time. Entries sent without the correct number or without contact information will not be considered.
Ok now that we have all the details out of the way, let the games begin! I am lucky to be hosting the lovely Tracy Deebs. Say hi, Tracy.
Hi everyone!
Tracy collects books, English degrees and lipsticks and has been known to forget where—and sometimes who—she is when immersed in a great novel. At six she wrote her first short story—something with a rainbow and a prince—and at seven she forayed into the wonderful world of girls lit with her first Judy Blume novel. From the first page of that first book, she knew she’d found her life-long love. Now a writing instructor at her local community college, Tracy writes YA novels that run the gamut from dark mermaids and witches to kissing clubs and techno-Armageddon stories… and she still has a soft spot for Judy.
Tracy is the author of the Tempest Maguire series about a girl who is half mermaid, half human, and 100% awesome [100 is NOT my number!]. Tracy is giving away a copy of book #3 [also not the number!] in the series…
Here’s the nail-biting description of , Tempest Revealed:
1/2 [still not the number]-mermaid Tempest Maguire is trying to have it all: fulfilling her duties as second-in-line to the merQueen Hailana while periodically returning home to the California coastline to be with her family and longtime boyfriend, Mark. Living under the sea and rebuilding Coral Straits is grueling work, while being back home reminds her of everyone she loves and misses. But when her old flame Kona arrives bearing news that Hailana has died and Tempest is now officially merQueen, she returns permanently to Coral Straits–even though it devastates her family and rips her apart from Mark. Once there, she discovers that an old enemy has resurfaced, hell-bent on taking over her throne…with or without her. As Tempest prepares for her final showdown against Tiamat and anyone who stands with her, she must decide what–and who–is really important to her. Because there will be few survivors in the ultimate sea battle that is brewing–and Tempest isn’t sure she will be one of them.
Um, W-O-W to the 20th [not. the. number.] power. As if that weren’t enough to whet your appetite, Tracy is sharing a short story set within Tempest’s world, written from Mark’s point of view. This story is being posted here exclusively for you YA Scavenger Hunters, which means 0 other people have had a chance to see it. So buckle your shoes, hold on to your hats, and feast your eyeballs on…
Tempest Lost
I close the door to Moku’s hospital room, then lean back against it as I try to figure out what I want to do. Just my luck—I spent the last two hours psyching myself into coming here to see him, to see Tempest, and I missed her by five minutes.
“Gone out to stretch her legs,” her dad had told me. Which could mean that she was anywhere—Children’s Hospital in San Diego was a damn big place. I didn’t have a clue where to start looking.
Then again, maybe this was a sign. I’m not big on that kind of thing, but this could be the universe’s way of keeping me from making a total jackass of myself in front of her. She chose Kona after all. After years of being my girlfriend and my best friend, she ran off to Hawaii with some guy with more tattoos than brains. If I had any brains myself, I’d forget about her. Checking on Moku is one thing—the kid is cool and didn’t deserve what happened to him—but trying to hang with Tempest is a really bad idea. She ripped my damn heart out once. I’m not going to give her the chance to do it again.
Screw it. I toss the lunch I brought her in the nearest trash can and head for the elevator. The waves are going off today. I have better things to do than mope around this damn hospital like a lovesick fool, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.
Except my feet obviously haven’t caught up with my brain, because I walk right past the elevator. Glance oh-so-casually into the waiting room. And try to ignore the disappointment sitting like lead at the bottom of my stomach.
Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to take a walk around the hospital, see what the place has to offer Moku, I head down the hall. This part of Children’s is built like a square. Four long hallways joined at the corners, all wrapped around a huge patio area with basketball hoops and a bunch of other stuff that the kids who are feeling better can play with. I remember spending time out there myself when I was younger. I’d suffered a really bad compound fracture while surfing when I was ten and I’d had to stay here for a few days. I’d passed more than a few hours on one of those patios.
I just hoped Moku got the chance to do the same.
Guilt rose up in me at the thought. Tempest’s dad called me a hero, she thanked me for saving her brother’s life, but the truth is, I wasn’t fast enough. If I’d gotten there just a little more quickly, maybe we wouldn’t be here waiting for Moku to wake up from a coma. Maybe he’d be home safe, sitting on the couch and playing endless rounds of Skylanders or Madden Football.
Pissed off at myself and the world in general, I decide to call it a day. Maybe I’ll call Logan and Scooter, see if they want to get something to eat. Or maybe I’ll just go down to the beach and see who’s there.
That’s when I see her. She’s watching a little kid—he’s maybe two or three—and he’s holding a red ball that’s as big as he is. It looks like the kid’s mom is trying to play catch with him, but he’s just running around in circles and laughing his head off as his mom holds his I.V. wire over his head to keep it from getting tangled.
Tempest says something to the mom and they both laugh. I watch like a lovesick fool—Tempest has a great laugh– even as I tell myself to get the hell out of here before I do something stupid. Like rushing out there and begging her to take me back. Which isn’t going to happen. She made her choice months ago and has never looked back. That’s enough for me—a guy has to have some pride, after all.
It’s good logic, which is why it makes no sense when a few seconds later I find myself striding across the patio toward her. She’s settled near the basketball hoop with a large, orange ball in her hands. She dribbles a little, makes a couple half-hearted baskets.
I hang back for a minute and just watch her. Sure, it smacks a little of stalkerdom, but I still love the way she moves. All flowing grace and smooth, rolling motions. Just like the waves I’ve given so much of my life too.
Telling myself to get going before she sees me mooning over, I end up doing the exact opposite of what I know I should do. Instead of leaving, I call out, “I’ll play you. Whoever gets to fifteen first, wins.”
She turns around, a huge smile lighting up her face when she sees me. I try not to let it go to my head … or drown in all the feelings left unresolved between us.
“I think I should get a handicap. You were MVP of the team two years in a row.”
“Three,” I tell her without thinking, then curse myself. Like either of us need a reminder of just how much she’s missed.
“Right. Three. Congratulations.” Her smile looks strained now and I hate it. Hate this awkwardness between us when our whole lives things have been easy, right.
Trying to break the tension and put us both a little more at ease, I hold my hands out for the ball. “I’ll spot you three points.”
“Four points. And I start.” Before I can agree, she whirls around, dribbles a couple of times, then shoots the ball at the basket. It goes straight in.
She lets out a loud whoop. “Did you see that, baby? Nothing but net.”
She’s so beautiful it hurts to look at her. So I don’t. I grab the ball, and dribble it up the half court and back. “Should I rethink your handicap?”
“Not on your life.” She throws a shoulder, bumps into me hard. It’s a total foul but I don’t call her on it. I shoot, make the basket anyway.
She runs for the ball, takes it up the court, but I get in her way. Spread my arms wide and wait for her to run into me. It doesn’t take long and then it’s just like the old days—no rules, no fouls. Just our bodies bumping against and tangling with each other as we jockey for position. The old, familiar heat starts deep in my gut and I fight the urge to clamp my hands on her shoulders and pull her in for a kiss like I used to. This is the easiest we’ve been with each other in a long time and I don’t want to ruin it. Even if the need to touch her is an ache deep inside of me.
She laughs, totally oblivious to the fact that I want to kiss her. That I just want her. Then she ducks around me and her breasts brush against my chest while her hip grazes my upper thigh. Shit. It turns me on, just like it always has. I have a fleeting wish that I was wearing jeans instead of my typical board shorts. The last thing I want is for her to know how she affects me.
At first I try to ignore the way she’s touching me, tell myself that it’s accidental. Then I get a glimpse of her wicked smile and know she did it on purpose. It’s all the encouragement I need. Stupid and emotionally suicidal it may be, but I want to feel her soft, lush body pressed against mine one more time.
She runs down the court, but I stay with her every step of the way. When she goes to make a basket, I cage her in just like I used to. Let my forearms brush softly against her ribs as I inhale the salt-and-honey scent of her that is pure Tempest, and pure temptation.
A small jolt of electricity runs through her and into me. It feels kind of nice, familiar but new and a little bit hot. She fumbles, drops the ball. It’s my turn to laugh, with sheer joy. She can talk about Kona all she wants. She still feels something for me and for now that’s enough. It’s a start.
Not wanting to push too hard and ruin everything, I grab the ball and run it back.
She mutters something under her breath and takes off after me, just as I hoped she would. This time, she’s the one wrapped around me, her hands skimming over my sides and back and stomach as she jockeys for the ball. Where normally I’d let her get the ball, this time I hold her off—it feels too good to have her crowded against me. I don’t want it to end yet.
But then she presses her breasts tightly against my back and I totally forget that we’re supposed to be playing a game. I fumble like a rookie, drop the ball.
She reaches for it, but to hell with that. To hell with basketball. I gently grab hold of her forearms, turn her until she’s facing me. She tries to duck her head, to look away, but I’m not having it. Not this time. I watch her out of narrowed eyes, will her gaze up to mine.
She finally looks at me, her blue eyes so dark they’re nearly black. A current of awareness ripples between us, dark, powerful, undeniable. It drags me back to the way things used to be, the way they’ve always been between us.
I want to kiss her so bad that it’s a grinding pain inside of me. But I don’t. I can’t. She’s not my girl any more, no matter how much I wish she was. But then she lifts a hand, lays it on my cheek and I snap. I just snap.
“What are you trying to do to me?” I demand in a voice I barely recognize. “Are you trying to drive me completely insane?”
She looks as confused as I feel. “No. Of course not. I—”
“I see you everywhere. In the water, on the street, in the halls at school. Even when I know it isn’t you, I still think, maybe…”
I pull her closer, until our faces are only an inch or two apart. “I see you every time I close my eyes. I dream about you, about what it was like when you were mine. That’s the only time I’m happy anymore, those moments when I’m half-asleep, when you’re right there, so real that I can practically touch you.
“And then I wake up, and remember that you’re gone and it nearly kills me. Every goddamn morning, I get to relive losing you all over again.”
“I’m so sorry, Mark. I’m so, so sorry.” Tears run down her face, but I don’t want her tears. I just want her to be honest. I just want to understand why she’s made the choices she has.
“When I saw you in the water, I really thought I was going crazy. And I didn’t even care if it meant I got to talk to you, to hold you. But you were real and you kissed me blind, then you just disappeared again, like it was nothing. Like we were nothing.”
“No!”
“Yes! I went back every day at the same time and waited for you for hours, even after
the good waves were gone. I was sure you’d come back, sure you couldn’t just kiss me like that and leave again. But you did. If Moku hadn’t gotten hurt, you never would have come back. I would have been out there waiting for you forever.” And there it is, the truth I’ve been trying so hard to hide from these last eight months. Suddenly I can’t bear to touch her. I let her go and she stumbles. I catch her because I can’t not catch her—we’ve been doing that for each other for well over a decade. But that’s it. I turn away, shove my hands into my short pockets and try to force myself to leave. Or barring that, to shut my damn mouth.
But it’s like a damn has exploded inside of me and the words keep pouring out. I hate it, hate being this vulnerable, but I can’t stop it. Not now. Not with her.
“And then, when you finally do come back, you bring him. Kona.” I all but snarl his name. “Every time I think about the fact that I introduced you two eight months ago—“
“But you didn’t.”
“What?” Now I do turn back to look at her.
“I’d met him before, a few days earlier. He came to our beach looking for me—that’s when he met you.”
“The bastard.” I know she won’t see it since she’s in love with him, but only a total douche does something like that. Meets a girl then goes out of his way to make friends with her boyfriend just so he can get a shot at her? And I was a total tool, because I fell for it.
“It’s not like that,” Tempest says, making her usual excuses for the jackass. “I mean, it’s complicated.”
Something about the way she says it makes me pause. I know her well enough to figure out that there’s more going on here than she’s telling me. Shoving my rage at Kona and my own stupidity down deep inside myself, I relax fists I hadn’t even realized were clenched. And ask the question that’s been burning inside me for a very long time. “Why? Because you’re a little different?”
She looks shocked, but that doesn’t stop her from answering. “I’m more than a little different.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m mermaid, Mark. That’s a pretty big deal.”
Her words ricochet around inside my head even as I try to discount them as nothing but pure fiction. But we’ve been friends for a lot of years—even when we weren’t together—and in that time I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff from her. Especially lately. I let it go because it didn’t matter, only she mattered, but still. It’s nice to know that it wasn’t all in my head.
“So I’m not crazy,” I finally blurt out. “That really was your tail.”
“Yep. It really was.” She’s looking at me like she’s waiting for me to freak out. And maybe that’s exactly what I should be doing. But I’m not. Because mermaid or not, tail or no, this is Tempest. Tempest. The only girl who’s ever known me as well as I know myself. The only girl I’ve ever wanted to know that well.
“Does it bother you?” she finally asks.
The question catches me off guard. “What? Your tail?”
“Yes! No, I mean, not just the tail. The fact that I’m mermaid. That I’m not like you and I never will be.”
I think about it some more. “I don’t know.”
“Mark.”
“I’m serious. I really don’t think so. It doesn’t feel like it bothers me, but then I wonder, shouldn’t it?” I shrug. “Maybe I’m not that freaked out because I always knew you were hiding something big.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think I didn’t notice how cold you always were, except in the water? How you never needed a wetsuit? I was out there the day you nearly drowned, Tempest. I saw your legs just collapse beneath you. Shit, I even saw you turn purple. It’s hard to ignore the whole glowing thing. Or the mystical tattoos that just showed up on your back, no redness, no irritation, nothing.”
“You didn’t—” Her voice breaks and she starts again. “You didn’t care?”
“The only thing I ever cared about was you, Tempe. I kept trying to get you to talk to me, kept trying to show you that it was okay. I even gave you that mermaid necklace for your birthday, thinking it would say what I couldn’t. But you practically threw it back in my face.” At the time, I didn’t know she was mermaid, but I did know something wasn’t right. Something was different.
“I didn’t—I thought—“ She’s stumbling all over herself, and it’s so cute I just want to pull her into my arms and kiss her until all her uncertainty goes away. At least until she says, “It was supposed to be a secret.”
“And you didn’t trust me enough to keep it?” I’m not going to lie—that hurts. Almost as much as losing her did. Up until Kona came, I trusted her implicitly. Thought she felt the same way. “We’ve been best friends forever, Tempest. Even when we weren’t dating.”
“I know, I know. It’s just … I could barely handle what was happening to me and I’d always known about mermaids. How could I expect you to handle it, too?”
“You could have at least given me a chance.”
“Maybe I would have if you hadn’t dumped me for a cheerleader.”
It’s all I can do to keep my mouth from dropping open. Is she so deluded that that’s how she remembers it? “Really?” I demand. “I dumped you? You’re the one who came to me that day at my house.”
“Do you not remember Chelsea? Everyone knew there was something between you.”
Chelsea who? That’s what I want to say. When Tempest’s around—and even when she’s not—I don’t see any other girls. But what I end up saying is, “I did that for you.”
She laughs incredulously. “Yeah, right. Because what girl doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend to the captain of the cheer squad?”
Anger explodes inside me. She’s trying to blame me for what happened when she was the one cheating on me with Kona? “You were already gone! You think I didn’t know there was someone else? You think I didn’t know that you didn’t love me anymore? She was nothing. Window-dressing. Saving face. Whatever you want to call it. I knew you felt too guilty to end things, so I helped you do it.” Anything was better than standing there, waiting for her to find the words to break my heart.
“You’re not still with her?” she asks, sounding shell-shocked and as confused as I’m feeling.
“I was never with her,” I tell her forcefully, determined that she believe me about this. “We went on a few dates, then broke up– or whatever you want to call it– a few days after you disappeared. I love you, Tempest. I’ve always loved you.”
Shit. Had I really just said that? Just thrown my feelings out there so that she could trample all over them again? I’m such a moron. Such a friggin’ tool.
She doesn’t say anything for a long time, and neither do I. How can I when I just gave her my heart all over again and she can’t even look at me.
Frustrated, fed up, and more than a little freaked out by own stupidity, I turn around and head back inside. If she can’t acknowledge what I said, then there’s nothing for me here.
Surprisingly, she follows me.
I’d come inside with some vague idea of getting as far away from her, and this place as I could. But since she doesn’t seem to want to let me do that, I decide what the hell. Might as well let her rub a little more salt in the wound.
There’s a vending machine in the waiting room, so to give me something to do, I head over to it. Get Tempest a Dr. Pepper and myself a Coke. Then I get a pack of M&Ms. She loves the blue ones.
I don’t know why I’m doing it, except that she looks like she hasn’t eaten in weeks. She’s always been skinny, but right now she looks emaciated. Weak. Like one small wave would send her tumbling into the drink. Maybe I shouldn’t care when I know she’s going to rip my heart out all over again, but I’ve been taking care of Tempest for a long time. Stopping now isn’t really an option.
But neither is this crazy uncomfortable silence. Any longer and I’m going to lose my mind. “So, are you going to say something?” I ask as I hand her her soda.
“I don’t know what to say,” she finally answers.
It’s not exactly what I was hoping for, but it’s not as bad as the I never want to talk to you again answer I was fearing. “You could start with how you feel about me.”
“It’s not that easy, Mark.”
“Sure it is. Either you love me or you don’t.”
“That’s not true. I do love you—of course I do—but that doesn’t mean anything is going to change, or even that it can change. My life is so mixed up right now—between how crazy things are at the place I’ve been living for the last eight months and dealing with this thing with Moku—“
“I’m sorry.” For the first time since I caught sight of her outside, I remember why we’re here. Maybe Kona isn’t the only douchbag around. “I shouldn’t be pressuring you. How is Moku?”
“He’s the same—and I can take the pressure. I just don’t want to make any decisions right now because I’m afraid I won’t think them through.”
She’s right. Now really isn’t the time for this, no matter how much I wish it was. “I don’t want you confusing what happened with Moku with how you feel about me. Which is why I shouldn’t even have brought this up right now. It’s just, when your dad said you’d gone for a walk, I couldn’t stop myself from looking for you.
“I told myself it was just to make sure you were okay, not because I wanted to push you into something you aren’t ready for. Yet here I am, doing just that.” I blow out a frustrated breath. “Nothing like an ex-boyfriend pledging his undying love to put a damper on the mood, huh?”
“That’s not what I was saying.”
“I know. I just feel like an idiot. I could have timed this better, at least waited until Moku got out of the hospital. But then … you’ll be gone, right? Disappearing into the sunset with Kona all over again.”
“We’ll stick around for a while, make sure Moku’s doing okay.”
“So, you’re definitely planning on staying with him then.” Suddenly, the M&M’s I just bought are looking really interesting. With my heart knocking against my ribs, I tear the pack open. Fish around for a few seconds then hand her five blue ones.
“Yes.” Her answer is definitive, but the look on her face is anything but. Still, we’ve been down this road before and I never end up winning. Turning my head so she can’t see all the crap piling up inside me, I ask, “So, is he, like, a mermaid too?” It’s a snide, stupid comment, one I’m using to buy me time to get my head back on straight, but Tempest doesn’t take offense.
Instead, she answers, “They’re called mermen but no, he isn’t. He’s a selkie.”
“A selkie?” That’s the last thing I expected to hear. “You mean one of those seal things from Irish legends?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that, but yeah. One of those seal things.”
“They’re real?”
“You’d be surprised what I’ve run into under the surface. Legends are filled with real creatures—at least the ones in the sea, anyway.”
“Huh.” If that doesn’t make my brain explode, I guess nothing will. Does this mean the Loch Ness Monster is real? Or the Kraken? Trying not to look like she’s just blown my mind, I shake a bunch of M&Ms into my palm, then toss them into my mouth.
“What?” she asks.
“Nothing. It’s just weird.”
“Finding out some fairy tales are real?”
“Being dumped for an actual animal. It’s never happened to me before.”
She laughs. Which I kind of intended. But still, here I am pouring my heart out and she’s laughing. “Yeah, well,” she finally answers, “I’ve never been dumped for a cheerleader before, so I guess that makes us even.”
Damn it. Telling her that Chelsea story eight months ago so I could save face was the worst idea I’ve ever had. “We already went over that. I didn’t dump you.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t actually dump you either.”
“Oh, yeah?” I can’t help pressing the advantage. “So does that mean we’re still together, then? I mean, if no one got dumped …”
“Mark.”
“What? I’m just asking what it means.” She shifts a little, and I can smell her hair. It smells like peaches and honey with just a hint of salt water. Just like always. I can’t resist touching, so I reach up and brush a stray curl away from her face.
“It means—” She blunders around for a little bit, and I let her. Maybe if I don’t try to rescue her she’ll actually tell me what she’s thinking.
But in the end, she settles for the lame, “It means I need to go. I wanted to just try and breathe for a few minutes and I’ve been gone almost forty-five.”
The last thread of hope I have deserts me. This is it. I’ve really lost her. “Right. Moku. That’s why you’re here, after all.” I stand up, then reach out a hand to pull her to her feet. “Sorry, Tempest.”
“Don’t be stupid.” She punches me lightly on the arm. She’s trying to keep things light, but it’s too late for that. God, it hurts. Which is stupid. It’s not like I didn’t know going in how this talk was going to end. But I’d been an idiot, had let myself hope … I’m barely breathing by the time she says, “It’s my fault. But I can’t think, can’t breathe, when Moku’s like this. After he wakes up–”
“I know. Totally my fault. Let’s get you back to the CCU.”
The silence between us is awkward as I walk her back to Moku’s room. I should probably say something, but it’s taking every ounce of energy I have not to show her how upset I am. The last thing I want is to look like a total loser in front of her, even if that is how I feel.
When we get back to the Critical Care Unit, Kona is standing to the side of the double doors, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his borrowed shorts. He looks totally calm, totally at peace, and I want nothing more than to shove a fist in his face. Especially when he smirks at me behind Tempest’s back. But going off on him will just make me look like an asshole, something I’ve done more than enough of today.
Still, it grates on me to leave her here with him when I know what a jerk he is. She may not see it, but the guy totally has another agenda. I’m not sure what it is, but I can see it. Just like I can see that he wants her—not because of who she is, but because of what she represents. It’s in the way he looks at her, like she’s an object, just another thing for him to own. It fucking slays me.
Before I can think better of it, I’m opening my damn mouth one more time. “Tempest.”
When she turns to me, I continue. “I know this isn’t the right time. I know he’s over there waiting for you, but I can’t leave until I say this.”
I pause, gather my courage one more time. Then, because my throat suddenly refuses to work properly, I whisper, “In my head, you’ve always been my girl. No matter what happened between us, no matter how many times we broke up, no matter what I told myself about letting you go, I’ve never been able to think about you any other way than as the girl I love, the girl I want to be with—even if you are with him. You’re it for me, Tempest. You always have been and I’m pretty sure you always will be. I love you.”
Her eyes, swimming with tears, are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t give her time to answer, not now when I’m afraid of what that answer will be. Instead, I lean forward and brush a soft kiss across her cheek. The old electricity springs up between us and I know from her expression that she feels the tug of it as strongly as I do.
I feel her eyes on me as I turn and walk away, feel the desperate need tying her in knots as surely as it’s beating at me. And I smile despite everything that’s just happened. Because while I may not know much at this point, I know this. No matter what’s happened, no matter what’s still to come, Tempest and I are a long, long way from over.
For now, knowing that is more than enough.
****
I hope you enjoyed that delightful just-for-you content. Don’t forget to enter the contest for a chance to win books by me, Tracy, and more! So keep on going. Your next stop on the Hunt is Cynthia Hand. There’s zero chance you’ll regret it! And come back and see me here. I’ll be posting advice AND giving away advanced copies of Minders and my other books in a mad frenzy during the next month. Mad frenzy! Don’t miss it.
Airkisses,
Michele
October 2, 2013
Friends without Benefits
OK,
I was a sophomore in high school, he was a senior, when we first met. We never actually got together. He’s got quite a bit of downsides in my book, like the fact he smokes weed and drinks (and here I am little miss goody-two shoes…). So he’s not my perfect… but I am attracted heavily to how he thinks, which I assume is the right thing to be attracted to. He is currently in college and the only way we communicate is through facebook, although he is completely unreliable. He is so laid back it is to a flaw, like … well, I’ll post this conversation and you’ll see what I mean.
Me: I’m probably making a fool of myself by sending this,
but I’m just going to state the obvious and let the chips fall where they may:
I think I’m in love with you.
And I’m not exactly sure what to do about it.
Mystery Man: wow.
i’m not sure exactly how to respond to that. and i’m not exactly sure what to do about it, either.
but, oh well. all is well.
Me: I figure I have two options: I continue to talk to you on here and somehow work out in my head that that is okay. Yet I continue to have you in my life, which is something I want very much.
Or, this stops. I feel horrible for doing it because it feels incredibly cruel, because here you are just being nice.
Mystery Man: i don’t see why i have to stop talking to you. this sort of thing happens all the time. so i think option number 1 is fine by me. no need to be cruel.
Can I be in love with somebody who does not return it, but still wants me as a friend? Oh but you are the one that listens to me. You are being a better friend than everybody else in my life. Thanks, a lot. Of course I’ll see you again! It’s a shame you weren’t there…
Can I be in love with some one who is only in my life online?
Can I hold myself back for somebody who is not really there? (Even though there is really nobody else in my small town that has my interest…)
…but can I leave him, the one who taught me about life and love and who made me grow up, alone?
I honestly want to give up. My expectations of love are so… unrealistic… that I doubt that I’ll find anybody (Thanks Edward Cullen!).
And I’ve looked, and am still looking. But right now, I’m just very worn out because I don’t think I’ll ever find anybody that I’m genuinely attracted to that actually loves me back.
Frazzled.
Dear Frazzled,
Everyone listen up. Before I address this directly, I’m adding a new rule to the Adviceopolis Archives: IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO TELL SOMEONE–ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT DATING–THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM, WAIT 60 DAYS.
Trust me. Either your love will endure that long. Or you will send me one of these in thanks:
Now where was I? Oh, right:
So, Frazzled, what would you say to your best friend if she came to you and said: “I really love this guy but he totally doesn’t love me back oh and he’s a stoner”? I don’t live in your head, but I have to guess that you would say something along the lines of “ditch that loser! If he doesn’t appreciate you he’s not worth it.”
And if your friend said, “But he says he needs me. That he relies on me” then you (if you were me) would say “Those are techniques he is using—possibly unconsciously—to keep you in his life.. In your love for him, in your wanting to be with him, he sees himself as smarter, stronger, better, cooler, hotter and more important. He is feeding his ego off your love. And off your ego. Because he is an emotional vampire.”
Here is how emotional vampires operate:
First, they Unteather you with a charm explosion at the beginning, knocking you off your feet. Master manipulators, they feel around until they find the thing inside of you that makes you weak, the thing they can use to control you. In your case it sounds like something that enjoys feeling needed.
Once they’ve identified your Tender Spot, they Stroke it. This can be conscious or unconscious, but you can see it at work in MysteryMan’s comments about how good a friend you are and how he relies on you. This is what you want to hear. He’s giving you just enough to keep you engaged and docile.
This makes it possible for him to control you so he can Empty you, feeding off of all the good things inside of you out so he can have them for himself.
A good test of whether someone is USEing you. whether s/he is an emotional vampire is to try to reverse those comments. MysteryMan says “You are being a better friend than anyone in my life.” Can you say the same about him? Can you say “He is being a better friend than anyone in my life”? You may be tempted to answer that you can, but calling him “unreliable” and “laid back…to a fault” (which is your way of justifying him not caring about you), and only talking to you online, show that you cannot.
Of COURSE he wants you as a friend. You rock! You are totally awesome! And he doesn’t have to pay any kind of price for that awesomeness! But you do: because whether you realize it or not, you are starving. At the end of a relationship with an emotional vampire, you are emotionally malnourished. You can’t walk away from a relationship like that—you can only crawl, because you have been made weak.
But you must vanquish this vampire. The only way to do that is to get away from him. Since he is a monster, this can best be done using the time honored conventions of the horror movie rules:
TURN ON THE LIGHTS!
One of the things that gets people hurt the most in horror movies is trying to grope around in the dark rather than really facing what is after them. Take a good long honest look at this relationship. He’s a stoner! Who only cares about his own feelings! Notice that you are doing all the giving, and getting very little back.
PUT AWAY THE KNIVES!
Any weapons you have lying around can and will be used against you by the monster in a horror movie. In real life, this means that you need to set aside anything—including Facebook communication–that can be used to hurt you. Its time to sever ties
DON’T LOOK BACK!
As you know, in horror movies the monsters always resurrect themselves. He will come to you with an excuse or a plea to be in touch. DON’T FALL FOR IT. Instead, see it for what it is: proof that he is an emotional vampire. Without you as a source of food for his ego, without you to act as an ideal mirror for him, to tell him how great he is, to show him through your love that he’s important, he feels like he ceases to exist. So he’ll try hard to get that back. His techniques can range from being super sweet and kind and hinting that he might love you (he doesn’t, he loves himself and how you make him feel about HIMself) to calling to tell you about a crisis (playing on your Tender Spot), to calling to tell you about a crisis he got through without you (to punish you by showing he doesn’t need you, and make you work hard to be taken back), to being silent. The last one is the best, obviously, although in the short run it could hurt the most
PREPARE TO TRIP!
You know how in horror movies the girl running away inevitably falls down trying to escape? Similarly, at some point you’ll probably respond to his overtures, or write to him. When this happens, be kind to yourself realizing that what you are doing is hard, and then resume the No Contact rule.
NEVER GO OFF BY YOURSELF!
One of the biggest mistakes people make in horror movies is to try going it alone. This is the time to reach out to your friends. Surround yourself with people who can help replenish what he’s taken from you, whether that means shoulders to cry on or people to throw popcorn at the movie screen with (NOT THAT I SACNTION LITTERING. LITTERING IS BAD!)
Being involved with an emotional vampire takes up a huge part of your day and a lot of time and energy that you may not even realize. You say you’re looking for someone, but how can you be really when your whole mind is taken up with MysteryMan? At first removing him from your life might make you feel kind of empty, because dealing with his stuff has absorbed a huge chunk of your days, but if you look beyond that you will see it actually means you’re very free, and expansive. You now have a lot more time and energy to dedicate to people who are genuinely worthy of it—including yourself.
True love does not make one person weak at the expense of another. It bolsters both. And it is out there for you. Having this experience with the Emotional Vampire now—and getting out of it, saving yourself rather than needing someone else to save you—is going to make you ready, willing and able to see and embrace it when the time comes.
Cutting this vampire out of your life won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. And the sooner you say no to being USEd, the sooner you will be saying yes yes yes! to true love and happiness.
^^^^
Dear Dr. J
I am playing Cupid for all of my friends but I don’t seem to have very good aime when it comes to me. I start to like a guy but when they come and talk to me, my brain seems to turn off or it makes me start giggling. Which just makes me look like a big idiot in front of Him. Its no problem when I am around my guy friends, I can flirt with them till no end. But then put my crush or ANY cute boy for that matter and nada! I have so little confidence, when I saw a cute cashier guy at KOHLS I hid behind my mom! I am so confused of what to do. I would really like to have a guy like me. I have never had a boyfriend and I am a Junior in high school. Pleas help if you can. xoxo
Cupid’s Arrow Missed
Dear Cupid’s Arrow Missed,
WE SO HAVE YOU COVERED!
What you’re describing is a) totally normal and b) just like stage fright. Stage fright comes from having to step up in front of people you don’t know and hope they like you. And as most people who suffer from stage fright can tell you, the two ways to manage it are to breathe deeply and just go out on stage. As soon as you’re out there on stage acting your part, it goes away.
Using this comparison, a crack team of Adviceopolis scientists have come up with a simple four part method for getting you from Chortling to Chatting with your crush:
Step 1: Breathe. Lack of oxygen to the brain is responsible for 99% of the stupidest things anyone has ever said. True fact! Ish.
Step 2: Make yourself pretend that the person isn’t the PersonYouLike but someone else. Alternately, picture yourself playing a part, such as “The Girl Who is Confident and Funny and Likeable.”
Step 3: Prepare one to four conversation topics or questions to ask him ahead of time. Make them open ended—instead of “did you have a good weekend?” try “What did you do this weekend?”—and relevant to his interests if you know what they are.
If you don’t, you can try some of the questions of Deep Import I have been wrestling with recently such as “Could leprechauns actually be Santa’s Elves with their beards grown out?” or “What do you think is on the perfect pizza?” or “Which would be a better President of the United States, a Smurf or Teen Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle?” or “If you could be any celebrity, who would you be (and you can’t say The Rock because of course everyone wants to be him)?”
Once these questions have gotten you past the first sixty seconds of talking to him, all your ace flirting skills will return.
[Alternately you could walk around with a Magic 8 ball and go up to him and say “My Magic 8 Ball told me to talk to you but I don’t know what to say. Do you want to ask it a question?” But if you do this make sure that your magic 8 ball is not, like mine, a total slut which will tell you to do all kinds of naughty things and result in you finding yourself dancing on top of a bar at three AM with…what? My lawyer is on the phone? Oh, I mean nothing.]
Step 4: If all else fails, Embrace the Embarrassment. “Wow, I seem to have ICantTalkFluenza around you. I bet you have that effect on all the girls. Maybe if I had more practice I’d be better at it. Want to go out for coffee?”
The thing to remember is that the one guaranteed way to insure you will never go out with this person, is not to talk to them. Anything else you do, even if it’s a little goofy, is a step toward getting to know—and possibly kiss—them better. (And every time you make yourself talk to a crush, it will get easier. So its worth trying out several times a day).
Be totally Withwhippedcream&acherry!
airsmooches,
Dr. J
How to Meet Cute (and how not to)
Hello chicken nuggets! Guess what time it is. If you guessed “Time for delicious Advice snacks” you’d be right! I hope you brought your appetite…
Dear Michele,
Please help! I never dated in high school, but I just started college, and now I’d really like to start. The problem is that the only guys I usually like are the comic book/movie nerd type, and I never see any on my campus! Where are they hiding, and once I do locate one, what do I do next?
Thanks for your help!
Surrounded by Frat Boys
Dear Surrounded,
Ah, the elusive species Comicbookslashmovienerdopithicus! They are wily and hard to locate due to their being IMMENSELY insecure around people they might like. There are two issues you will have to confront if you mean to date this species:
LOCATION
Like many comic book heroes (and villains), they tend to have lairs, sweaty basements at friends houses where they hang out. This makes them harder to locate. HOWEVER they can also be found at the following places: comic stores, action figure stores (like GameSpot), bookstores and music stores.
Comic stores are an easy place to start because they have a schedule: new comics arrive on Wednesdays, which means that there should be a large pool of ComicBoyznGirlz there that evening. Often comic stores host other events like Street Fighter competitions and Magic The Gathering meetings and Jenga fiestas and stuff on other days of the week, that can draw a crowd. You can find out about these events by browsing local comic shop’s websites or myspaces. But if you go, be prepared to participate: they’re not there to pick up partners, they’re there to freak out with their geek out. And if you’re not down with that, they’ll know. Which brings us to…
ATTITUDE
Again like the super heroes they revere, your ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl has a dual identity: on the one hand, they are masters of their universe, holding strong opinions and able to take down anyone in an argument or D&D brawl. On the other, they are often on the bottom rung of the social ladder. This dichotomy can sometimes make them insecure, and wary of strangers. It often manifests itself in sarcasm or standoffishness. You should ignore this.
Asking them questions about comics they like or comics you like and showing genuine interest, will cut through it quickly. A simple “I notice you’re always reading manga. I totally love Scott Pilgrim! Have you read the fourth volume?” or “I’ve never read any Daredevil. Whose run do you like more, Bendis’s or Brubaker’s?” can get you in the inner circle at warp speed.
If there’s one particular ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl you’re interested in and you have a class together, you can always use the old, “Are you in English 101? I think you sat in front of me the other day. I’m Superhotgirl” [extending your hand]. “What do you think of Professor Ramblesendlessly’s pants? I swear his superhero name would be the Plaid Avenger!” line (only, like, good) to start things off too.
Happy hunting!
^^^^
Dear Dr. J,
I think I’m falling for my teacher. He’s not married. He’s a little bit
more than twenty years older than I am (yikes! seeing that written is
shocking). Sometimes I feel
like it isn’t so entirely impossible, though. Now, that could be true,
or it could be my mind making things up. (Most likely the latter.)
Also, I have a boyfriend. I’ve been with him for two years. I know it
isn’t fair to my boyfriend. I also know liking my teacher is totally
normal.
I had been emailing my teacher about things
that weren’t always related to school, and he did not seem to mind. I
have stopped emailing him, because I knew it was ultimately causing me
pain.
I want to get over the teacher What should I do?
Thanks for all of your help.
Hot for Teacher
Dear Hot for Teacher,
Unless you are done with school and in your 20’s, being involved with someone that much older is a slice of Bad Idea Cake with Bad Idea Icing. The fact that anything this teacher is doing has given you the idea that he might be interested back makes that a seventeen layer cake with extra Bad Whip on the side.
Your head already knows this cake is bad for you. But the head and the heart aren’t always in sync. Even as your head recognizes that the appeal of this cake is not based in reality, your heart is screaming CAKE! GIVE ME CAKE! ME WANT CAKE! The only thing you can do to make your heart behave, unfortunately, is cut off all non-school related communication with the cake, er, I mean, teacher and let time pass.
I’m not saying that lightly: I know how hard that is, how painful and challenging, and there are going to be times when you’ll be afflicted with justcanttakeititis and onelittleemailwonthurtfluenza and atinysliverofcakeisallIneedosis. But all of those conditions will just keep you filled up with empty emotional calories that in the end will leave you hungry and malnourished.
For some reason that is partially to do with chemicals and partially to do with Deep Mysteries, this cycle of craving&pain goes in 10 to 14 day blocks. That means if you can hold out for two weeks, it will get a little easier. Two more weeks and easier again. But each time you break down and snack on some cake, the cycle starts again, and worse. (Think sugar high. Then think sugar low.)
Whenever you feel like going Marie Antoinette and letting yourself eat cake, acknowledge that you want to do that, remind yourself while the cake looks tasty its actually kind of old, probably stale, and mostly a fantasy you made up in your mind, and try to engage in some other activity. If you can’t help yourself, write the email and then don’t send it.
In the meantime, you might want to think about your relationship with your boyfriend. Its possible that the attraction you have for your teacher is being fueled by discontent with your current sweetie pie. Like you’re not getting what you need, and so you’re looking for nutritional supplements. This could be a good time to take a break from cakes entirely. Because the ones you’ve got aren’t really satisfying you, but they’re filling up your time so you can’t look for genuinely good ones.
You deserve better cakes! Fresh, high quality cakes that deliver on the promise of their excellent exterior and are both delicious AND nutritious.
^^^^^
To Dr. J
I know what you talk about when you say writing a book is hard. I have tried many times. My begging and dieing now question is do you have anything to help me focus on one idea?
Peace out sister!
From
Your Almightly Spooky One (bow minions!!!!)
Dear Almightly Spooky One,
You’re a plot flirt!!! Don’t worry, that’s not an insult (don’t smite me, Almighty One!), I’m a plot flirt too. When I start a book, its like being at an ace cocktail party—flitting from person to person through the crowd, chatting with them for a second, laughing at a joke but always secretly looking over the person’s shoulder, in search of The One.
The thing that’s so sneaky about being a plot flirt is that it makes you feel like you’re doing something productive (I’m working! I’m looking for the right project slash plot slash heroine’s name slash pair of sparkly shoes slash way to kill the bad guy!) and for a little while it is, but after a time it can become that most Detrimental To The Writing of a Book thing: pRoCrAsTiNaTiOn.
What I suggest is giving yourself a week—five days—to flit from idea to idea. Write down everything you think of. And then commit. Because here is a secret: ANY PLOT CAN WORK. While some might be slightly better than others, it’s what you bring into the story—the characters, your writing style—that make the biggest difference.
So the way to focus is to pick one thing and FORCE yourself to keep working on it, no matter what the voices in your head that want you to go play with something else say. Remind yourself that while those voices are perky and nice, they are actually undermining you and your ability to do what you want (write a book). They pretend their names are Your Pal and Friendlynicenice but in reality they are Insecurity and his BFF Be Afraid and their job is to keep you from ever finishing a story.
Don’t give in! May the Force be with you!
That’s all the advice for today. Be supermaxigelatotastic!
airkisses,
Dr. J
How to Meet Guys (and how not to)
Hello chicken nuggets! Guess what time it is. If you guessed “Time for delicious Advice snacks” you’d be right! I hope you brought your appetite…
Dear Michele,
Please help! I never dated in high school, but I just started college, and now I’d really like to start. The problem is that the only guys I usually like are the comic book/movie nerd type, and I never see any on my campus! Where are they hiding, and once I do locate one, what do I do next?
Thanks for your help!
Surrounded by Frat Boys
Dear Surrounded,
Ah, the elusive species Comicbookslashmovienerdopithicus! They are wily and hard to locate due to their being IMMENSELY insecure around people they might like. There are two issues you will have to confront if you mean to date this species:
LOCATION
Like many comic book heroes (and villains), they tend to have lairs, sweaty basements at friends houses where they hang out. This makes them harder to locate. HOWEVER they can also be found at the following places: comic stores, action figure stores (like GameSpot), bookstores and music stores.
Comic stores are an easy place to start because they have a schedule: new comics arrive on Wednesdays, which means that there should be a large pool of ComicBoyznGirlz there that evening. Often comic stores host other events like Street Fighter competitions and Magic The Gathering meetings and Jenga fiestas and stuff on other days of the week, that can draw a crowd. You can find out about these events by browsing local comic shop’s websites or myspaces. But if you go, be prepared to participate: they’re not there to pick up partners, they’re there to freak out with their geek out. And if you’re not down with that, they’ll know. Which brings us to…
ATTITUDE
Again like the super heroes they revere, your ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl has a dual identity: on the one hand, they are masters of their universe, holding strong opinions and able to take down anyone in an argument or D&D brawl. On the other, they are often on the bottom rung of the social ladder. This dichotomy can sometimes make them insecure, and wary of strangers. It often manifests itself in sarcasm or standoffishness. You should ignore this.
Asking them questions about comics they like or comics you like and showing genuine interest, will cut through it quickly. A simple “I notice you’re always reading manga. I totally love Scott Pilgrim! Have you read the fourth volume?” or “I’ve never read any Daredevil. Whose run do you like more, Bendis’s or Brubaker’s?” can get you in the inner circle at warp speed.
If there’s one particular ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl you’re interested in and you have a class together, you can always use the old, “Are you in English 101? I think you sat in front of me the other day. I’m Superhotgirl” [extending your hand]. “What do you think of Professor Ramblesendlessly’s pants? I swear his superhero name would be the Plaid Avenger!” line (only, like, good) to start things off too.
Happy hunting!
^^^^
Dear Dr. J,
I think I’m falling for my teacher. He’s not married. He’s a little bit
more than twenty years older than I am (yikes! seeing that written is
shocking). Sometimes I feel
like it isn’t so entirely impossible, though. Now, that could be true,
or it could be my mind making things up. (Most likely the latter.)
Also, I have a boyfriend. I’ve been with him for two years. I know it
isn’t fair to my boyfriend. I also know liking my teacher is totally
normal.
I had been emailing my teacher about things
that weren’t always related to school, and he did not seem to mind. I
have stopped emailing him, because I knew it was ultimately causing me
pain.
I want to get over the teacher What should I do?
Thanks for all of your help.
Hot for Teacher
Dear Hot for Teacher,
Unless you are done with school and in your 20’s, being involved with someone that much older is a slice of Bad Idea Cake with Bad Idea Icing. The fact that anything this teacher is doing has given you the idea that he might be interested back makes that a seventeen layer cake with extra Bad Whip on the side.
Your head already knows this cake is bad for you. But the head and the heart aren’t always in sync. Even as your head recognizes that the appeal of this cake is not based in reality, your heart is screaming CAKE! GIVE ME CAKE! ME WANT CAKE! The only thing you can do to make your heart behave, unfortunately, is cut off all non-school related communication with the cake, er, I mean, teacher and let time pass.
I’m not saying that lightly: I know how hard that is, how painful and challenging, and there are going to be times when you’ll be afflicted with justcanttakeititis and onelittleemailwonthurtfluenza and atinysliverofcakeisallIneedosis. But all of those conditions will just keep you filled up with empty emotional calories that in the end will leave you hungry and malnourished.
For some reason that is partially to do with chemicals and partially to do with Deep Mysteries, this cycle of craving&pain goes in 10 to 14 day blocks. That means if you can hold out for two weeks, it will get a little easier. Two more weeks and easier again. But each time you break down and snack on some cake, the cycle starts again, and worse. (Think sugar high. Then think sugar low.)
Whenever you feel like going Marie Antoinette and letting yourself eat cake, acknowledge that you want to do that, remind yourself while the cake looks tasty its actually kind of old, probably stale, and mostly a fantasy you made up in your mind, and try to engage in some other activity. If you can’t help yourself, write the email and then don’t send it.
In the meantime, you might want to think about your relationship with your boyfriend. Its possible that the attraction you have for your teacher is being fueled by discontent with your current sweetie pie. Like you’re not getting what you need, and so you’re looking for nutritional supplements. This could be a good time to take a break from cakes entirely. Because the ones you’ve got aren’t really satisfying you, but they’re filling up your time so you can’t look for genuinely good ones.
You deserve better cakes! Fresh, high quality cakes that deliver on the promise of their excellent exterior and are both delicious AND nutritious.
^^^^^
To Dr. J
I know what you talk about when you say writing a book is hard. I have tried many times. My begging and dieing now question is do you have anything to help me focus on one idea?
Peace out sister!
From
Your Almightly Spooky One (bow minions!!!!)
Dear Almightly Spooky One,
You’re a plot flirt!!! Don’t worry, that’s not an insult (don’t smite me, Almighty One!), I’m a plot flirt too. When I start a book, its like being at an ace cocktail party—flitting from person to person through the crowd, chatting with them for a second, laughing at a joke but always secretly looking over the person’s shoulder, in search of The One.
The thing that’s so sneaky about being a plot flirt is that it makes you feel like you’re doing something productive (I’m working! I’m looking for the right project slash plot slash heroine’s name slash pair of sparkly shoes slash way to kill the bad guy!) and for a little while it is, but after a time it can become that most Detrimental To The Writing of a Book thing: pRoCrAsTiNaTiOn.
What I suggest is giving yourself a week—five days—to flit from idea to idea. Write down everything you think of. And then commit. Because here is a secret: ANY PLOT CAN WORK. While some might be slightly better than others, it’s what you bring into the story—the characters, your writing style—that make the biggest difference.
So the way to focus is to pick one thing and FORCE yourself to keep working on it, no matter what the voices in your head that want you to go play with something else say. Remind yourself that while those voices are perky and nice, they are actually undermining you and your ability to do what you want (write a book). They pretend their names are Your Pal and Friendlynicenice but in reality they are Insecurity and his BFF Be Afraid and their job is to keep you from ever finishing a story.
Don’t give in! May the Force be with you!
That’s all the advice for today. Be supermaxigelatotastic!
airkisses,
Dr. J
September 29, 2013
Hairy Situation
Is it alright to shave… down there? Girls at my school go for bikini waxes, but my mom would never let me do that. She finds no reason to shave in the nether regions. Not that I’m planning on having sex any time lately, but I feel this is a pressing issue I’ll need to know for the rest of my life as a growing woman!
—Hair Apparent
Dear HA—
You have my word that nothing bad will happen if you shave your Down There Hair or, as I prefer to call it, the Mini Mane. As long as you’re careful, you can shave the Mini Mane into jaunty shapes (lightening bolts are easiest. I’ve heard.), or you can just shave to make sure nothing pokes out in a bathing suit. Try to use a moisturizer for sensitive skin afterwards.
[Ring Ring. Hello? Hi Meg! It's fabulous bestelling author Meg Cabot. What? Woah, that's an awesome tip, thanks!]
Meg just called on the blog phone and said to tell you ‘hi’ and also that putting stick deoderant all over the area you shaved stops you from getting ingrown hairs and rashes. (Which makes sense since you use it on your underarm area where the same conditions often apply. Yes, we are filled with science here in Adviceopolis.)
It is also okay NOT to shave the Mini Mane. It’s a question of personal preference. I have friends who wax, and friends who use depilatories like Nair (if you go that route BE SURE TO READ ALL THE DIRECTIONS BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT….um, never mind. Just read the directions) and friends who shave and friends who don’t shave. It’s up to you and you alone how you decide to Tame the Mane.
(Seriously, if you go the depilatory route, in the directions where they recommend testing a small patch of skin to see if you’re allergic before using the product, you might just, you know, do that. FYI.)
Ciao for now! Be hairing from you.
>airkissesDr. J
September 27, 2013
Kissnundrum
Dr. Jaffe,
Are you supposed to wear lip gloss when kissing? Or is it super icky and tacky because it will end up on the guy’s face? Because I’m always WANTING to slap on the gloss, but worried that will make me RESISTABLE. And, of course, I want to be irresistible.
Lip BALM or Lip GLOSS?
Dear BALM or GLOSS,
The most important factor
When making this decision
Is which one YOU’d prefer to be sporting
During your lip collision
I love to gloss before I kiss
To make my lips shimmer and shine
And truthfully once the lips start locking
There’s not much gloss left on mine
So if the IR in IRRISISTIBLE is what you seek
There’s no need to be at a loss
Reach into your purse, smile into the mirror
And pile on the lipgloss
Airkisses,
Dr. J
Lip locking
Dr. Jaffe,
Are you supposed to wear lip gloss when kissing? Or is it super icky and tacky because it will end up on the guy’s face? Because I’m always WANTING to slap on the gloss, but worried that will make me RESISTABLE. And, of course, I want to be irresistible.
Lip BALM or Lip GLOSS?
Dear BALM or GLOSS,
The most important factor
When making this decision
Is which one YOU’d prefer to be sporting
During your lip collision
I love to gloss before I kiss
To make my lips shimmer and shine
And truthfully once the lips start locking
There’s not much gloss left on mine
So if the IR in IRRISISTIBLE is what you seek
There’s no need to be at a loss
Reach into your purse, smile into the mirror
And pile on the lipgloss
September 16, 2013
How do I get (over) an ex?
What’s up woodchucks? Are you ready for some finger lickin’ good advice? GOOD!
Hello Dr. J!!
Im a senior in high school and I don’t have a boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me??? My friends suggest different guys but most of them are shallow and they don’t understand any of my witty comments. So is this just a sign that I should start looking for a nunnery or find 12 cats to live with? Or maybe I’m too picky?? I know people say they love the single life but it be nice to have a couple life also. Help! Thanks.
Love,
Single Senior
Dear Single Senior,
Ha ha ha twelve cats ha ha. There is nothing wrong with you for not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a significant other of some kind. It sounds like you just haven’t found anyone you like enough to date.
But if you are genuinely worried that you are too picky, ask yourself if you’re giving the people you meet enough of a chance to get to know your fine witty self. A person could act like a post-op lobotomy patient the first few times you meet them, but actually be really cool, just shy. On the other hand, maybe none of the people you know are for you, which means widening your search. Think of places you’ve seen people who seem interesting to you—coffee place, bookstore, arcade, comic book shop, mall, roller rink, gym, petting zoo—and go hang out there.
Basically, though, until you feel attracted to or interested in someone, there’s no reason to try to board the USS Relationship. Are you sure you really do want to date? Sometimes people think they should have a boy or girlfriend because their friends do, or movies make it look cool, or everyone tells them to, but they don’t really want one. Whatever happens, make sure you’re doing it because its what you want, not because of purr pressure.
^^^^^
OK, so.
There’s this guy. He and I dated very briefly about 3 years ago. We were both really young. He moved to another state, so we broke up. Later, he moved back, and we didn’t date again, but we both liked each other. It was really obvious. I always wanted something to happen, and imagined it would, but it didn’t. Well, I didn’t go to his school last year, but I always thought about him and we emailed and stuff. Did I mention that we were always were good friends even after we broke up? So this year, I came back to that school and we are still friends. He has a girlfriend but the problem is, I STILL ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HIM That Way!! I can’t help it. I want to stop, but I think I only like him because it’s comfortable and I know him so well and stuff. I don’t want a boyfriend. I really don’t. I just want to get over him. I always think of embarrassing scenarios in which we happen to be alone together after school…I feel so dumb because he has a girlfriend. I want to be friends with him, but I do not want to like him! Is there anything I can do to get over him? Michele, without your help, I might just go insane. Please help!!
O Confused One.
Dear O Confused One,
You may feel confused but you are also Wise. You probably do like him largely because its comfortable; also because, since he has a girlfriend, its not risky. He can be a safe outlet for your fantasies without you having to worry about actually ending up with a boyfriend if that’s not something you want.
But if thinking about him is putting the UN in FUN for you, the best way to make it stop is by consciously redirecting your mind away from him. I know it sounds hard, but you can do it. As soon as you start crafting crazy scenarios where you end up trapped on the football field alone and then the sprinklers come on and you both get wet and have to take off all your clothes except the Big Bird underoos you look extra cute in and then you are forced to huddle together for warmth, for example, send yourself a Cease&Desist order. Think instead of puppies. Or tacos. Or a sparkly shoe sale. Or some other massively distracting thing. After three days of the Forceful Redirect it will get easier; after 5 days it will start to be second nature; by 10 days you will find you hardly have to do it any more; and after two weeks, you should be cured.
^^^^^
Be HAHAlicious!
airkisses,
Dr. J
How do I get over an ex?
What’s up woodchucks? Are you ready for some finger lickin’ good advice? GOOD!
Hello Dr. J!!
Im a senior in high school and I don’t have a boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me??? My friends suggest different guys but most of them are shallow and they don’t understand any of my witty comments. So is this just a sign that I should start looking for a nunnery or find 12 cats to live with? Or maybe I’m too picky?? I know people say they love the single life but it be nice to have a couple life also. Help! Thanks.
Love,
Single Senior
Dear Single Senior,
Ha ha ha twelve cats ha ha. There is nothing wrong with you for not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a significant other of some kind. It sounds like you just haven’t found anyone you like enough to date.
But if you are genuinely worried that you are too picky, ask yourself if you’re giving the people you meet enough of a chance to get to know your fine witty self. A person could act like a post-op lobotomy patient the first few times you meet them, but actually be really cool, just shy. On the other hand, maybe none of the people you know are for you, which means widening your search. Think of places you’ve seen people who seem interesting to you—coffee place, bookstore, arcade, comic book shop, mall, roller rink, gym, petting zoo—and go hang out there.
Basically, though, until you feel attracted to or interested in someone, there’s no reason to try to board the USS Relationship. Are you sure you really do want to date? Sometimes people think they should have a boy or girlfriend because their friends do, or movies make it look cool, or everyone tells them to, but they don’t really want one. Whatever happens, make sure you’re doing it because its what you want, not because of purr pressure.
^^^^^
OK, so.
There’s this guy. He and I dated very briefly about 3 years ago. We were both really young. He moved to another state, so we broke up. Later, he moved back, and we didn’t date again, but we both liked each other. It was really obvious. I always wanted something to happen, and imagined it would, but it didn’t. Well, I didn’t go to his school last year, but I always thought about him and we emailed and stuff. Did I mention that we were always were good friends even after we broke up? So this year, I came back to that school and we are still friends. He has a girlfriend but the problem is, I STILL ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HIM That Way!! I can’t help it. I want to stop, but I think I only like him because it’s comfortable and I know him so well and stuff. I don’t want a boyfriend. I really don’t. I just want to get over him. I always think of embarrassing scenarios in which we happen to be alone together after school…I feel so dumb because he has a girlfriend. I want to be friends with him, but I do not want to like him! Is there anything I can do to get over him? Michele, without your help, I might just go insane. Please help!!
O Confused One.
Dear O Confused One,
You may feel confused but you are also Wise. You probably do like him largely because its comfortable; also because, since he has a girlfriend, its not risky. He can be a safe outlet for your fantasies without you having to worry about actually ending up with a boyfriend if that’s not something you want.
But if thinking about him is putting the UN in FUN for you, the best way to make it stop is by consciously redirecting your mind away from him. I know it sounds hard, but you can do it. As soon as you start crafting crazy scenarios where you end up trapped on the football field alone and then the sprinklers come on and you both get wet and have to take off all your clothes except the Big Bird underoos you look extra cute in and then you are forced to huddle together for warmth, for example, send yourself a Cease&Desist order. Think instead of puppies. Or tacos. Or a sparkly shoe sale. Or some other massively distracting thing. After three days of the Forceful Redirect it will get easier; after 5 days it will start to be second nature; by 10 days you will find you hardly have to do it any more; and after two weeks, you should be cured.
^^^^^
Be HAHAlicious!
airkisses,
Dr. J
