Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 7

Man-Repellant

Hello pals!

I’ve decided, in honor of, er, breathing, in addition to posting brand spanking new advice, I’ll also from time to time be reposting pieces from the Got Advice archives. Today’s entry asks the question: Superhero or Superloser?

But first, time for Mind Expansion. A friend of mine (Hi Janey!) sent me this NY Times article about Man-Repelling clothes and I thought it was worth sharing while also having a few flaws (like many of my favorite people slash shoes).

Part of me wished it were longer  because I think the idea is really interesting and raises all kinds of cool issues. But the piece totally fell down in its discussion of feminism and I want to push harder on the challenge of something called “man repellant”–i.e. without even a woman in the title, so that even while eschewing the male perspective it privileges it–to be feminist. A challenge that I think was clear in the way the article couldn’t resist trying to tie this whole thing to (heterosexual) dating. You read it and see what you think.

And in the meantime, meet a Man of Mystery:

Hi Dr. J,

i have a crush on someone…i mean I’m really in love with him!! i think he knows that i like him. I asked him to hang out with me and he said he’d love to but was busy.The next day i sent him a message to hang out with me, but he never answered. You can’t even imagine how hurt i was. i ran into him and when he said “hi” i pretended not to see him and in the middle of the night he sent me a message and said he’s so sorry about before. i asked why he didn’t answer my invitation, and in his reply he lied. When i told him i knew he was lying he said “I can’t explain why I had to say no, now, but some day I will.” i’m so confussed, does he like me or not? (oooh i almost forgot…he even gave me a love song once)

–Confussed

Dear Confussed—

Ask yourself this: is there any chance that this guy is a secret super hero crime fighter?

If you answered yes, congrats! I predict an exciting future for you!

If you answered no, here’s a rule of thumb: boys who aren’t secret super hero crime fighters but who–

a) text in the middle of the night

b) are hard to pin down

c) lie and

d) say they have a ‘secret reason’ they can’t get back to you

–are either Bad News or involved with someone else or both.

I know this is going to ache, but you HAVE to convince yourself to stop liking him. It doesn’t matter how he feels about you, he’s not available, and you’re going to end up getting hurt–hurt worse than you hurt right now. Think about it: if he knows you like him, which he does, then he knows he can just keep stringing you along without risking anything. And that’s what he’s doing—toying with you because he can. Which is low and disrespectful.

The truth is, from the behavior you describe, doesn’t deserve someone as special and giving as you are. Stop replying to his messages, be polite but distant when you see him, and replace the song he gave you with a cool new mix tape. Then get on with finding someone who will treat you like the cat’s meow, not a cat toy.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

I feel like everyone hates me!

Hello fabulous bloglins! The doctor is BACK and she is BADDER than ever.  If badder means “wearing a black leather dress at her desk.” Oh yes, that is how we roll around here.  Problems don’t stand a chance. Check it out:

Dear Dr. J,

I have this situation at school where I feel like everybody hates me. I know why. I’m antisocial. Actually I’m becoming more social, but due all of their previous beliefs, they think I’m either some kind of stuck of snob or some kind too sweet/innocent girl without any personality. There are people I hang out with, but lately I wonder if they hate me for hanging out with them. Because they say the nastiest things about me. Every comment I make, they have to nitpick it. I’ve always assumed that was their nature. Like the teasing kind of friends that make fun of you a lot. But some of the things they say are truly hurtful and some of it is behind my back.

What is wrong with me?

Best Friendless Forever

Dear BFFless—

Do not fret! There is nothing wrong with you.  You are simply suffering from a very common condition shared by many people: a lack of vitamin R.

What is vitamin R? Without vitamin R, F-R-I-E-N-D-S become F-I-E-N-D-S. Luckily, Vitamin R deficiency is easy to fix using our two step method:

Step 1: Stop hanging out with Fiends (aka Vitamin R sucker-outers).

This is best done boom! all at once, by just not sitting with them any more. find another place to have lunch or hang out, sit somewhere else on the bus, whatever you have to do. Don’t be mean about it, but just put some distance between you and them. You might feel a little vulnerable and exposed at first, but you’ll also feel liberated because you wont always be second guessing yourself and their reaction to you.

Step 2: Increase vitamin R intake by replacing the fiends with friends (aka Vitamin R replenishers)

This is easily accomplished by finding people who share your interests. The simplest place to find them is by joining a club or volunteering for an organization that you care about or trying a new activity you’ve always wanted to try (Tennis anyone? What about drama? Knitting? Karaoke? Competitive Go Fish? If there isn’t a club that interests you at your school, you can look one up on line or consider starting one yourself). You will tap a rich vein of potential vitamin R donors and you will learn things and you’ll have something to add to your college applications (college is an excellent place to make friends) AND you’ll have tons of material for envy inducing Status Updates on Facebook. (Ha! Take that fiends!) And—best of all—you’ll be happier.

Because here is the secret of Vitamin R: it is derived from Respect—respect for yourself first of all. By protecting yourself from people who are mean to you, you’re treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Once you’ve done that, you’ll find other people treat you that way too.

Airkisses,

Dr. J