Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 6

Telling it Flat Out

Dear Dr. J

So, I have never really thought too much about my body. I mean I am not ugly but last weekend at sleepover one of my best friends kept teasing me about my chest. I am almost fourteen and I am VERY flat chested. Like no chest at all. Then all my friends made fun of me and said I would have a boyfriend if I had a chest. I have to admit I do develop slower than all of my friends. I really do wish I had a bigger chest but it seems impossible. I do want a boyfriend and my friends convince me I don’t have one because of my chest. What should I do?

Tired of being flat chested

Dear Tired,

What should you do? You should go to your friends and say HA! And also HA with HA icing. Because the big secret that no one wants you to know is:

having no boobs isn’t a dire curse; it’s a total blessing.

What? Have I been hitting the crazy sauce? Snacking on insanewiches?

No.

First of all, many of the best things in life are flat, for example flat bread (aka pizza), flat screen TV and flattery. Plus as I can attest from personal experience—my boobs are so small I can buy bras in the BOYS section at Target. Well, ok, not really but practically—there are some serious advantages to being flat chested including:

Perky-boob longevity

Not having to wear a bra unless you want one

Having designer clothes fit well

Knowing that when people show an interest in you, they’re grooving on what you’ve got going on above the neck, not below.

Many of my curvier friends struggle with insecurity about whether people are dating them or their breasts. A primary reason for that is because of exactly the kinds of things your friends are saying to you: telling you that you don’t have a boyfriend because you don’t have boosoomas shows that they have already internalized the message that they are only attractive because of their cleavage. This. Is. TRAGICOXTREME! It shows that their self esteem has been nibbled away by the self esteem rats, and they are willing to settle for dating someone whose only interest is in their body. I weep for them.

(Okay, done weeping. Back to you!)

Apart from being slightly pitiable and probably requiring a lot of therapy when they grow up, your pals are also completely wrong: not having boobs does NOT keep you from having boyfriends; not having boobs keeps you from having LOOSER boyfriends.

Unless all you are after is a physical relationship—which I suspect isn’t the case because you said you want a boyfriend not a boytoy—why would you want to be with someone who only noticed you because of your lady lumps? Would you date or not date a guy because of the size of his penis?

Right. Le not.

What your friends are also implying is that they wait for people to get interested in them, and then they date. Which is an excellent tactic if you want a dull life or enjoy dating from the species jerkapotomous. But why would you? So in addition to saying HA to your friends, do this: look around for someone YOU might be interested in. Start talking to that person as a friend. And see what happens.

Above all, remember this true fact: the best way to win cool friends and influence people is with your BeDazzling personality, not your B-cup.

^^^^^

Dear Dr. Jaffe,

A few months ago my friends were freaking out because they thought I was still hung up over my old boyfriend. They started telling me I needed to go out and meet some new guys. I know they were just worried about me and trying to be helpful but they would bring it up anytime we went out together. I finally just got fed up one night and told them I couldn’t meet their guys because I was already seeing someone.

That shut them up. For about 5 minutes. Then they wanted to know how long we’d been going out, why they hadn’t met him and what his name was. I panicked inwardly, but then told them the name of this guy I used to know who I knew that they didn’t know. Then I gave them the slightest bit of information like that he was really nice and changed the subject. And it worked.

I was thrilled that I could finally just be single and not worry about it. Only I wasn’t for long because everynight we went out or stayed in they’d ask me how things we’re going. I started to feel more and more guilty about lying to them. And more and more pathetic because the guy existed but he didn’t exist in the role I had placed him in. Finally, fed up with it all, I told them things weren’t going so well. Every night after that I said things that were going wrong between us until I finally said that we had broken up. I was back to where I had started, but at least I wasn’t guilty anymore.

The only problem was that I was ready to date again. And even worse, I started running into the guy whose name I’d used for my “boyfriend” and started developing feelings for him. I’m totally confused right now because I think he likes me too. He keeps asking me out and it just feels so wrong because I feel like I’d be lying to my friends again. I feel like I should come clean with my friends but I have no idea how I would go about doing so. Also, I’m freaked how they will respond to the idea of Guy-Whose-Name-I-Used-But-Never-Actually-Went-Out-With and me starting a relationship. That is if I actually ever accept his offer to go out.

I’m totally lost. Should I go out with him and see how things go before I tell my friends about him? Or should I just come clean with my friends from the getgo. And if so how?

Help REALLY appreciated,

I dug my own grave and now I’m being buried in it

Dear I dug,

Don’t worry, there’s an easy way out of this. Yes!

Step 1: Tell your friends to pay a visit to Mind Their Own Business Island when it comes to your love life. You should never feel pressured to do anything because of your friends. I know that might sound hard rather than easy, but if you are like “You guys! Don’t you have love lives of your own to worry about? I’m putting up a NO TRESPASSING sign around mine,” and then, no matter what they do, refuse to talk about it unless you want to.

Step 2: Say yes yes a thousand times yes when Guy-whose-name-you-used-who-you-now-like asks you out. Do not tell your friends.

Step 3: See if you even like him. There’s a chance that you only like him because of the “relationship” you constructed in your mind and what that was like, not because of how he really is in realityville.

Step 4: If it turns out you DO like him, either tell him about how you used his name (for example by saying “It was the first name I thought of….but clearly you were on my mind” with some serious eyelash batting) and have him play along; or tell him and then tell your friends, explaining they left you no choice and you hope they learned their lesson and also HA. Plus HA HA HA.

Step 5: Enjoy!

Step 6 (optional): Write the whole thing up as a screenplay and sell it for a zillion dollars.

Flat Chested Chronicles

Dear Dr. J

So, I have never really thought too much about my body. I mean I am not ugly but last weekend at sleepover one of my best friends kept teasing me about my chest. I am almost fourteen and I am VERY flat chested. Like no chest at all. Then all my friends made fun of me and said I would have a boyfriend if I had a chest. I have to admit I do develop slower than all of my friends. I really do wish I had a bigger chest but it seems impossible. I do want a boyfriend and my friends convince me I don’t have one because of my chest. What should I do?

Tired of being flat chested

Dear Tired,

What should you do? You should go to your friends and say HA! And also HA with HA icing. Because the big secret that no one wants you to know is:

having no boobs isn’t a dire curse; it’s a total blessing.

What? Have I been hitting the crazy sauce? Snacking on insanewiches?

No.

First of all, as I know from personal experience—my boobs are so small I can buy bras in the BOYS section at Target. Well, ok, not really but practically—there are some serious advantages to being flat chested including:

Perky-boob longevity

Not having to wear a bra unless you want one

Having designer clothes fit well

Looking slimmer

Knowing that when people show an interest in you, they’re grooving on what you’ve got going on above the neck, not below.

Many of my curvier friends struggle with insecurity about whether people are dating them or their breasts. A primary reason for that is because of exactly the kinds of things your friends are saying to you: telling you that you don’t have a boyfriend because you don’t have boosoomas shows that they have already internalized the message that they are only attractive because of their cleavage. This. Is. TRAGICOXTREME! It shows that their self esteem has been nibbled away by the self esteem rats, and they are willing to settle for dating someone whose only interest is in their body. I weep for them.

(Okay, done weeping. Back to you!)

Apart from being slightly pitiable and probably requiring a lot of therapy when they grow up, your pals are also completely wrong: not having boobs does NOT keep you from having boyfriends; not having boobs keeps you from having LOOSER boyfriends.

Unless all you are after is a physical relationship—which I suspect isn’t the case because you said you want a boyfriend not a boytoy—why would you want to be with someone who only noticed you because of your lady lumps? Would you date or not date a guy because of the size of his penis?

Right. Le not.

What your friends are also implying is that they wait for people to get interested in them, and then they date. Which is an excellent tactic if you want a dull life or enjoy dating from the species jerkapotomous. But why would you? So in addition to saying HA to your friends, do this: look around for someone YOU might be interested in. Start talking to that person as a friend. And see what happens.

Above all, remember this true fact: the best way to win cool friends and influence people is with your BeDazzling personality, not your B-cup.

^^^^^

Dear Dr. Jaffe,

A few months ago my friends were freaking out because they thought I was still hung up over my old boyfriend. They started telling me I needed to go out and meet some new guys. I know they were just worried about me and trying to be helpful but they would bring it up anytime we went out together. I finally just got fed up one night and told them I couldn’t meet their guys because I was already seeing someone.

That shut them up. For about 5 minutes. Then they wanted to know how long we’d been going out, why they hadn’t met him and what his name was. I panicked inwardly, but then told them the name of this guy I used to know who I knew that they didn’t know. Then I gave them the slightest bit of information like that he was really nice and changed the subject. And it worked.

I was thrilled that I could finally just be single and not worry about it. Only I wasn’t for long because everynight we went out or stayed in they’d ask me how things we’re going. I started to feel more and more guilty about lying to them. And more and more pathetic because the guy existed but he didn’t exist in the role I had placed him in. Finally, fed up with it all, I told them things weren’t going so well. Every night after that I said things that were going wrong between us until I finally said that we had broken up. I was back to where I had started, but at least I wasn’t guilty anymore.

The only problem was that I was ready to date again. And even worse, I started running into the guy whose name I’d used for my “boyfriend” and started developing feelings for him. I’m totally confused right now because I think he likes me too. He keeps asking me out and it just feels so wrong because I feel like I’d be lying to my friends again. I feel like I should come clean with my friends but I have no idea how I would go about doing so. Also, I’m freaked how they will respond to the idea of Guy-Whose-Name-I-Used-But-Never-Actually-Went-Out-With and me starting a relationship. That is if I actually ever accept his offer to go out.

I’m totally lost. Should I go out with him and see how things go before I tell my friends about him? Or should I just come clean with my friends from the getgo. And if so how?

Help REALLY appreciated,

I dug my own grave and now I’m being buried in it

Dear I dug,

Don’t worry, there’s an easy way out of this. Yes!

Step 1: Tell your friends to pay a visit to Mind Their Own Business Island when it comes to your love life. You should never feel pressured to do anything because of your friends. I know that might sound hard rather than easy, but if you are like “You guys! Don’t you have love lives of your own to worry about? I’m putting up a NO TRESPASSING sign around mine,” and then, no matter what they do, refuse to talk about it unless you want to.

Step 2: Say yes yes a thousand times yes when Guy-whose-name-you-used-who-you-now-like asks you out. Do not tell your friends.

Step 3: See if you even like him. There’s a chance that you only like him because of the “relationship” you constructed in your mind and what that was like, not because of how he really is in realityville.

Step 4: If it turns out you DO like him, either tell him about how you used his name (for example by saying “It was the first name I thought of….but clearly you were on my mind” with some serious eyelash batting) and have him play along; or tell him and then tell your friends, explaining they left you no choice and you hope they learned their lesson and also HA. Plus HA HA HA.

Step 5: Enjoy!

Step 6 (optional): Write the whole thing up as a screenplay and sell it for a zillion dollars.

How To Make Up (your face)

ARE YOU READY-Y-Y-Y [said in Monster Truck Voice]??? For what? FOR WHAT??

Although I don’t like to, I will admit, that my knowledge has boundaries. Also empty places. Only like three (lizard psychology, quark physics, and proper croissant eating) but still. Well, actually four: I’m not an expert on make up application. I’m okaaaaaaaaaay at it, but I felt you, the fab o’faberihan readers of Adviceopolis, deserved better.

So I invited a world famous make up artist to answer your questions.

Yes. I. Did.

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE COOK IN ADVICEOLOPLIS, EXPERT FRIDAY STYLE.

She’s done make up for some people you might have heard of like Kristen Dunst and Missy Elliot and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Kate Hudson and Jennifer Lopez and Natalie Portman and Penelope Cruz and…anyway, the list is LONG. And now she’s answering YOUR make up questions. I know! Its amazing! (Seriously, check out her website to see what a superstar we have in our midst)

So please everyone put your hands together to welcome Doctor Nicole to Adviceopolis. And check out her unbelievable make up advice (complete with lists of recommended products you can get in your drugstore. HELLO CHRISTMUKAH CAME EARLY THIS YEAR!)

Help!

I’m going to prom this year and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on the type of eye makeup I should wear to make my eyes POP. I have dark brown, deep set eyes. I’m not fond of wild and crazy colors; I want my makeup to look somewhat natural. My hair is dark brown, nearly black, as are my eye brows and eye lashes. My skin is a cool ivory tone. My dress is sky blue and I’m accenting it with silver accessories. I have bronze, thick rimmed glasses. I know this sounds like a lot of information but I’m pretty clueless about makeup and I’ve tried to find info on the internet, but so far I haven’t come across anything that’s really helpful.

Thanks,

Naked Eyes

Nicole Writes:

Dear Naked Eyes:

Lucky girl, I love brown eyes! Brown eyes are great to dress up because they are neutral in color and almost anything makes them pop. Since you are wearing a blue dress you want to make sure your eye makeup compliments what you are wearing so try and stay clear of any hues which may look too matchy matchy (which is also tres tacky anyway) such as green or blue.

[Michele says: Er, excuse me while I go throw some things away.]

Some amazing colors for brown eyes are dark slate gray, gunmetal and black. And because prom is a really dressy affair, I think you should use shadows that are shimmery that way your eyes will catch the lights and dazzle ‘em. Adding a darker color like black to the outer corner of the eye will help define your eyes as well and make them really sultry. It’s what we call in the industry a “modified smoky eye”. Here is how you would do it:

1) Apply an matte egg shell or off white color to the entire lid (this is a flat non shimmery type of color).

2) Then with a sponge-tip shadow applicator apply a really awesome shimmering, gray or gunmetal color to the bottom half of the top eyelid. Then with your fingertip blend over that shadow well.

3) Then use the same applicator to apply a small dot of matte black eye-shadow to the outer corner of the eye. Again blend that with your fingertip making it appear smokey.

4) using the edge of the shadow applicator draw a line on your lower lid with the gunmetal or black shadow (it’s your choice gunmetal is softer, black will be more dramatic). Make sure you get very close to the lash line. Then take a q-tip and blend the line in so it looks smoky.

5) Finish that off with a coat of black mascara on top lid only (if you apply mascara to the bottom it will smudge by the end of the night, not a cute look!).

[Michele says: I tried this! I did what Nicole said and it TOTALLY WORKED!!! I looked so rad! If I must say so myself! Which I must since I am not allowed to leave the house because I am working on Bad Kitty 2—which, P.S. is not code for “eating bon bons and watching Animal Planet. Much.]

* For added drama, apply a small amount of lash glue to the back of a tiny crystal (only the tinniest crystal will work ). Then with a tweezer (use a pair of very blunt tweezers so you don’t poke yourself in the eye), apply the crystal to the middle of the bottom lash (on both eyes of course). Put it right underneath the lash so it just peeks out a little ). This will catch the lights and show right through your glasses making you look so magical.

You can purchase the tiny crystals from the nail department of your local drugstore and the glue you can find in right next to the false lashes (make sure to buy white eyelash adhesive which is safe to use around the eye and dries clear).

[Michele says: Please please please do this because it is approximately the coolest plus popsicles idea I have ever heard]

Keep the rest of your face very neutral by applying just a hint pinky blush to the cheeks (not too dramatic this color must be barely there) and a light pink colored sheer lip gloss to your mouth.

This is a really dreamy prom look!

Nicole’s Suggested Products

1) For eye shadow:

L’oreal infinite’ shadow quad in #904 smokey eyes

2) Blush:

Neutrogena Highlighting blend in #20 pink

3) Lips:

L’oreal lip gloss in glam shine #100

or

Maybeline NY shiny lipgloss in #40 lolly pink.

4) Mascara in black carbon Volumous

^^^^^^

So,

I’m an Irish girl, and I’m really, really pale. I

also love wearing makeup. But no matter how hard I

try, I can never find the right color for my skin! Is

it bad if my face is darker than my neck? Also, what

colors should I wear to flatter my complexion?

White and Wondering

Nicole Writes:

Dear white and wondering:

Finding the correct foundation is one of the hardest things to do but so totally important. It is truly yucky when you see someone whose face is covered in a shade that is either too light (which causes the ghostly look) or too dark (no this is not a good way to fake a tan) and can oxidize on your skin and turn that depressing orangey color.

[Michele: Wait, its NOT supposed to be orange? (throwing more stuff away)]

That being said, there are some tips which can help you avoid these makeup pitfalls.

For starters, you need to make sure you go to a store which will allow you to try on the foundations so you can see the way they look on your skin. Also, some foundations will turn colors on you so you want to see this before taking the plunge and buying them. I always suggest trying on at least two or three different colors so you can see contrast. It will help you see what really works and what doesn’t.

[Michele says: this is really really really good advice because this one time…well, never mind. Lets just say the words “HA HA HA that will be good for your MIME costume for Halloween” were spoken]

You said you are an Irish girl and really really pale so I am willing to bet that you have what we call a peaches and cream complexion. This means that your undertones are probably cool and pink (of course I can’t say for sure because I haven’t seen you but if your at a department store you can go to a makeup counter like Perscriptives and ask a makeup artist to tell you what undertones you have). If this is indeed the case, you have to go for a foundation to matches these pinky undertones.

If I were you, I would try on the first three or four colors of foundation in sequence so start with the lightest color and put a dot of that on just at the side of the chin. Next to that color apply the next darker shade and so on. You will probably start to notice the darker colors turn gray, and dull. This means they are too dark for your skin. The color that matches perfectly should blend in with incredible ease and should be only slightly darker then your neck. Foundation on your face should never actually look darker then your neck. If you can see that, then the foundation is too dark.

[Michele says: Unless you are trying to look like a robot assembled from the parts of different human cadavers here to take over the world. Then the line could be like a fashion statement. What? Why are you looking at me like that? You want me to zip it so Nicole can get on? Oh, I see how it is. One day I’m the—okay, okay, zipping.]

Sounds complicated right? Ok, here is another option:

Tinted moisturizer!

It’s fabulous especially for the summer because it is light in texture and most of them contain titanium dioxide which provides some sun protection (a “must have” especially for those with really pale skin). I think most foundations are too thick for summer and opting for a good tinted moisturizer is a great alternative. The best thing about this type of makeup is that they tend to come in three or four different shades ranging from light, medium, and dark. If you are as fair as you say you are, you’d probably go for the lightest shade.

The great thing about a fair complexion is that a little makeup goes a long way. With skin that has cool undertones you can go to the pink and reddish shades. Luckily this summer fashion designers have done away with the tan look and opted instead for a fresh, chic look which includes a sheer red lip with a light pink blush on the apples of the cheeks. This is actually the perfect look for your pale skin. When wearing a sheer red lip gloss, you want to wear a cool shimmery white eye shadow all over the lid with just a hint of black mascara. So summery, and so beautiful!

Nicole’s Suggested Products:

For foundations try:

1) L’oreal true match foundation (try classic ivory)

or

Stila natural finish oil free foundation

2) For tinted moisturizers try:

Stila illuminated tinted moisturizer

or

Neutrogena healthy skin enhancer (try fair to light color)

3) For eyeshadow try:

L’oreal wear infinite’ Frosted icing

or

l’oreal illumination loose pigment in high reflects

4) Lipgloss:

Almay #355 red shimmer gloss

or

Maybeline wet shine diamonds in #15 spoiled in rubies

5) For blush:

Revlon cream blush in berry flirtatious

6) Mascara in black carbon volumous.

^^^^

WOWOWOWOWOW! THANK YOU NICOLE!!!

Be shimmery!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Whatdoidoiftheguyilikeknowsilikehim?!?

Dr. J

so i like this guy, right? well apparently when I like guys, I make it really obvious. I mean, I don’t flirt with him, so much, but when I’m around my friends I talk about him nonstop. So a lot of people know that I like this guy. Well, there’s this other guy in my choir class who is obsessed with finding out who I like (he hates me basically and likes to tease me) and somehow he found out even though I made all my friends promise not to tell! I know how he found out, it was one of my other guy friends, but I am really upset and crying and distressed. This guy that I like I am already good friends with and I spend a lot of time with him! He is going to find out that I like him and it will just ruin everything between us! We are working on a music project together tomorrow in fact, and I am so upset because it will be so awkward and I don’t want our friendship to go away! Do I tell him that I like him? Should I tell him to ignore the rumors, or should I just deny it? What should I tell him and how should I react? I’m so torn and upset that he could find out! Please help!

Torn

Dear Torn,

I know this feels like Life Crashing Into Pointy Shards Around Your Feet but actually what we have here is an EXCELLENT opportunity to get more information from-slash-about Mr. Crush and possibly move your relationship in a forward direction without any real risk to the friendship.

Ha ha no, I am not writing from The Island of Insanity, population: me. Oh how you are funny.

Seriously, this is pie with pie on the side. All you have to do is:

1. Breathe. Lack of oxygen leads to poor decision making and an increase in stress, not to mention babbling like a looney tune and also, possibly death. To avoid all of those, make sure you respire.

2. DO NOT tell him you like him. Telling a guy you like him, straight out like that, is NEVER a good idea. It sets off some kind of Now-I-Will-Behave-Freakishly alarm inside of guys that is best avoided at all costs

3. If he hears a rumor about this, smile at him and say “I didn’t know you were such a gossip!”

4. If he’s still pursuing the topic, add, “It sounds like you hope the rumor is true.”

5. If he follows that up with something like “Well, is it?” You can say “Why don’t you ask me out and we’ll see.”

In other words, there’s no reason to explicitly address the situation one way or another, but by treating it like something funny, something that you take lightly rather than something that causes you to cease and desist breathing and burst into tears, you not only allow the whole thing to blow over faster, but you can actually use it TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

Breathe. Flirt. Enjoy!airkisses,

Dr. J

My friends blabbed to my crush

Dr. J

so i like this guy, right? well apparently when I like guys, I make it really obvious. I mean, I don’t flirt with him, so much, but when I’m around my friends I talk about him nonstop. So a lot of people know that I like this guy. Well, there’s this other guy in my choir class who is obsessed with finding out who I like (he hates me basically and likes to tease me) and somehow he found out even though I made all my friends promise not to tell! I know how he found out, it was one of my other guy friends, but I am really upset and crying and distressed. This guy that I like I am already good friends with and I spend a lot of time with him! He is going to find out that I like him and it will just ruin everything between us! We are working on a music project together tomorrow in fact, and I am so upset because it will be so awkward and I don’t want our friendship to go away! Do I tell him that I like him? Should I tell him to ignore the rumors, or should I just deny it? What should I tell him and how should I react? I’m so torn and upset that he could find out! Please help!

Torn

Dear Torn,

I know this feels like Life Crashing Into Pointy Shards Around Your Feet but actually what we have here is an EXCELLENT opportunity to get more information from-slash-about Mr. Crush and possibly move your relationship in a forward direction without any real risk to the friendship.

Ha ha no, I am not writing from The Island of Insanity, population: me. Oh how you are funny.

Seriously, this is pie with pie on the side. All you have to do is:

1. Breathe. Lack of oxygen leads to poor decision making and an increase in stress, not to mention babbling like a looney tune and also, possibly death. To avoid all of those, make sure you respire.

2. DO NOT tell him you like him. Telling a guy you like him, straight out like that, is NEVER a good idea. It sets off some kind of Now-I-Will-Behave-Freakishly alarm inside of guys that is best avoided at all costs

3. If he hears a rumor about this, smile at him and say “I didn’t know you were such a gossip!”

4. If he’s still pursuing the topic, add, “It sounds like you hope the rumor is true.”

5. If he follows that up with something like “Well, is it?” You can say “Why don’t you ask me out and we’ll see.”

In other words, there’s no reason to explicitly address the situation one way or another, but by treating it like something funny, something that you take lightly rather than something that causes you to cease and desist breathing and burst into tears, you not only allow the whole thing to blow over faster, but you can actually use it TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

Breathe. Flirt. Enjoy!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Crushing it

We hear you’re having a ruff time. What exactly seems to be the problem?

Ok,

there are two guys… one I’ve like since 2011 and one I’ve only started liking this year.

2011 guy will here on be named… um… 2011, and the other one can be… Salty.

2011 has been, maybe, the biggest crush I’ve had in my life. Possibly the longest, too. And although we used to talk back when I first started liking him, I get really nervous around him which makes me say things even stupider than the things I normally say.

Anyway, Salty and I only really started talking this year, which was when I started to like him.

You know what sucks? I might have actually found a guy who may be interested in me back, and I can’t stop thinking about 2011.

But I’m going ahead with Salty anyway, and have decided to tell him how I feel when we have a moment alone.

Any ideas or insights?

From, 2011/Salty?

Dear 2011/Salty,

My idea-slash-insight is to commend you for doing exactly the right thing and trying it out with Salty. Its really common for crushes to become like habits, mental directions for your mind to go in because its used to it. So you might still have a huge gigantic crush on 2011; or you might still be thinking about him just because you’re so USED to thinking about him. Plus, he is kind of like a cushion—its got to be a little scary deciding to tell Salty how you feel, so you question whether you should do it by saying ‘but really I like 2011.’ But that is normal! Don’t give in to the questioning!

Instead, gird your loins, pull up your socks, and let Salty love ring. This is the only way you’ll really know how you feel about either Salty or 2011.

(Incidentally, it’s also the only way you’ll find out how 2011 feels: since nothing has happened with him in the past two years, he’s either really shy or not interested in you ThatWay. Seeing you date someone else is the only thing that might jolt him out of both of those conditions.)

(But that is not the reason to do it. That’s more of, like, a side salad.)

^^^^^

Dr. J,

so there’s this guy, who I have fallen for. majorly! there is one issue though… he doesn’t go to my school or even live in my city! He did for awhile and then he moved (this happened last year). We had some pretty good conversations and had a ton of fun with our mutual friends at school, then he moved and now we talk on im and email, and he was always really shy around me when he was here, but he talks a lot more on im and we’ve started flirting, and he hinted that he liked me, which put me over the top because he’s so nice and smart! BUT (why does there always have to be one of these??) it is very likely we will never see each other again, and now I am totally crushing on him which is bad because he is unattainable, but I can’t seem to stop!!! this does not make le love life in the present look very good for me, and also he doesn’t know that I like him and I have been kind of avoiding him on im because I don’t know how to tell him, or if I even should, and it’s turning into a problem because I think he’s getting hurt by my not talking to him and I am too! Please don your sparkly shoes and come to my rescue with le advice major!!

Confused girl

Dear Confused girl,

There’s a reason superheroes don masks and its not just to hide their shame at wearing their undies on the outside or to protect their families from retaliation by Bad Guys. No, it’s because having something to hide behind makes it easier for them to be bold and daring.

IM and texting work that way for a lot of people too. It lets them develop a superpersona that is more courageous than their actual one, and say things that they couldn’t say face to face. That makes efriendships very compelling, but it also makes them dangerous. Because they aren’t necessarily based in reality, they are often better than reality. And because what happens on the web doesn’t stay on the web. As you’ve noticed, it crawls into your brain and sets up a cute apartment there and takes more and more of your time until the majority of your thoughts are with your epal, rather than with your real pals, with email instead of with real males.

Efriendships—and ecrushes—can become addictive. Which means weaning yourself from one can be hard. But you owe it to yourself—and your misterE pal—to do it.

The best way is to pull away from him as you have done. I know its super hard, but its probably the best thing. If you want to give him an explanation you could say, “Talking to you is TOO fun but I need to start spending more time with my friends from school which means less time on line. I’ll miss you!” and then rigorously limit yourself to like one IM a week if that, filling the rest of your time with Real World Fun. And possibly a Real World Supercrush. (One who wears his underwear inside.)

^^^^^

Be slurptacular!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Crushes Crushes Crushes

Ok,

there are two guys… one I’ve like since 2011 and one I’ve only started liking this year.

2011 guy will here on be named… um… 2011, and the other one can be… Salty.

2011 has been, maybe, the biggest crush I’ve had in my life. Possibly the longest, too. And although we used to talk back when I first started liking him, I get really nervous around him which makes me say things even stupider than the things I normally say.

Anyway, Salty and I only really started talking this year, which was when I started to like him.

You know what sucks? I might have actually found a guy who may be interested in me back, and I can’t stop thinking about 2011.

But I’m going ahead with Salty anyway, and have decided to tell him how I feel when we have a moment alone.

Any ideas or insights?

From, 2011/Salty?

Dear 2011/Salty,

My idea-slash-insight is to commend you for doing exactly the right thing and trying it out with Salty. Its really common for crushes to become like habits, mental directions for your mind to go in because its used to it. So you might still have a huge gigantic crush on 2011; or you might still be thinking about him just because you’re so USED to thinking about him. Plus, he is kind of like a cushion—its got to be a little scary deciding to tell Salty how you feel, so you question whether you should do it by saying ‘but really I like 2011.’ But that is normal! Don’t give in to the questioning!

Instead, gird your loins, pull up your socks, and let Salty love ring. This is the only way you’ll really know how you feel about either Salty or 2011.

(Incidentally, it’s also the only way you’ll find out how 2011 feels: since nothing has happened with him in the past two years, he’s either really shy or not interested in you ThatWay. Seeing you date someone else is the only thing that might jolt him out of both of those conditions.)

(But that is not the reason to do it. That’s more of, like, a side salad.)

^^^^^

Dr. J,

so there’s this guy, who I have fallen for. majorly! there is one issue though… he doesn’t go to my school or even live in my city! He did for awhile and then he moved (this happened last year). We had some pretty good conversations and had a ton of fun with our mutual friends at school, then he moved and now we talk on im and email, and he was always really shy around me when he was here, but he talks a lot more on im and we’ve started flirting, and he hinted that he liked me, which put me over the top because he’s so nice and smart! BUT (why does there always have to be one of these??) it is very likely we will never see each other again, and now I am totally crushing on him which is bad because he is unattainable, but I can’t seem to stop!!! this does not make le love life in the present look very good for me, and also he doesn’t know that I like him and I have been kind of avoiding him on im because I don’t know how to tell him, or if I even should, and it’s turning into a problem because I think he’s getting hurt by my not talking to him and I am too! Please don your sparkly shoes and come to my rescue with le advice major!!

Confused girl

Dear Confused girl,

There’s a reason superheroes don masks and its not just to hide their shame at wearing their undies on the outside or to protect their families from retaliation by Bad Guys. No, it’s because having something to hide behind makes it easier for them to be bold and daring.

IM and texting work that way for a lot of people too. It lets them develop a superpersona that is more courageous than their actual one, and say things that they couldn’t say face to face. That makes efriendships very compelling, but it also makes them dangerous. Because they aren’t necessarily based in reality, they are often better than reality. And because what happens on the web doesn’t stay on the web. As you’ve noticed, it crawls into your brain and sets up a cute apartment there and takes more and more of your time until the majority of your thoughts are with your epal, rather than with your real pals, with email instead of with real males.

Efriendships—and ecrushes—can become addictive. Which means weaning yourself from one can be hard. But you owe it to yourself—and your misterE pal—to do it.

The best way is to pull away from him as you have done. I know its super hard, but its probably the best thing. If you want to give him an explanation you could say, “Talking to you is TOO fun but I need to start spending more time with my friends from school which means less time on line. I’ll miss you!” and then rigorously limit yourself to like one IM a week if that, filling the rest of your time with Real World Fun. And possibly a Real World Supercrush. (One who wears his underwear inside.)

^^^^^

Be slurptacular!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Family Phone

Dear Michele,

I went on this school trip for a business club last weekend, and I *gasp* met a boy. Who I liked. I ended up throwing him a note which said Hey sexy. Call me . I didn’t think he’d actually call me, but he did. So, to make the story short, I ended up crazy about him. So crazy that the next day, Sunday, I threw him another note when he and his friends were waiting in the hotel lobby with their luggage. And we text messaged. And he told me to come out and hug him before they left. And my hand drifted and….well, I’ll leave it at that. He called me like an hour later when I was leaving, and told me he cant receive calls on his phone or text messages because it’s a “family phone” but did I wanted him to call me (because he can make calls?) and I eagerly replied yes.

So here I am, obsessed and waiting for his call. He lives like an hour away and is 17, whereas I’m 14 (almost 15 in like a month… but I told him I’m 15 hehe). Should I call him even though he said not to, or should i just wait, and pray, he calls me?

-In Love With Sexy A**, Who Left Me Confused

Dear In Love,

You’re sassy. You’re assertive. When you were with him you oozed assurance. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you.

And means: no calling him. That and the fact that he assked you not to.

I agree that the phone set up is a little odd, maybe even asstonishing, and I’m not thrilled about the fact that it gives him all the control over what happens. If he were older I’d assume that he had a girlfriend or wife he didn’t want learning about you. Which would be pretty assinine.

However, since he’s seventeen I’m going to asscept the “family phone” excuse as accurate. Or maybe he doesn’t have a phone of his own and was using his mom’s for the weekend and was afraid to tell you that. (Which gives another reasson against calling him: MOM ANSWERING!!)

But the answer stays the same: don’t call him, he’ll call you. And while you’re waiting to hear from him, take some time to think about what a relationship means to you, and the things you want to have in it. Asside from his backside, that is.

That’s it for today mini-marshmallows!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Kissing!

Hello pals! Here’s a smorgasborg of smooching advice from the archives. Enjoy!

Hi Dr. J,

I’m 22 years old and I’ve never been kissed. There had been guys who would have kissed me when I was younger, but none of them was The Guy I wanted my fist kiss to be with. So I went through my teenaged years telling myself that it was okay to wait, the guy would come. But I’m starting to think that, I don’t know, maybe I put this First Kiss experience in such a high pedestal that when it happens, if ever, I will just be disappointed, and it’s a little scary.

And I don’t know what to do about it…

At the time I thought it was for the best, but now I don’t know if waiting so long was such a good idea,

--Kissing Novice

Dear Kissing Novice,

I think you are suffering from Stage 1 First Kiss-itis, which is common in our culture because ‘superfantastic first kisses’ are a regular feature of TV shows and movies, one which is blatantly false since those people on the screen have CLEARLY kissed a ton of people. Lindsay Lohan having her first kiss in a movie? That is about as likely as me giving birth to a chocolate marshmallow bunny right now. I hate to say anything bad about movies and TV because I love them very much, but in this instance, they have been lying to us.

Anyway, as a culture we fetishize the FIRST kiss and I say it’s time for that to stop. There is nothing godlike in it. In fact, the more we heap pretend magical powers on it, the more we ensure lives of quiet desperation and disappointment, because a lot of times it sucks.

That’s my opinion and experience anyway, but I’m all about Science, so I a friend about her first kiss. She went all melty and said “it was great, I was on cloud nine.” For a sec I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe there was something in this, and then she added, “I mean, that was my first REAL kiss. I’m not counting all the ones in spin the bottle and games and stuff that came before.” And the more I asked around, the more answers like that I got.

Which was when I realized: it’s not your FIRST kiss that should be put in a frame with lacy doilies and hearts around it; it’s your first REAL kiss. Your first kiss with The One. I suggest you embrace that shift in emphasis to liberate you from being hung up on the FIRST part, recognizing that’s not where the magic is. Instead of keeping your lips in kiss prison until you find The One, you should furlough them and start kissing up a storm, left right and center, kisses you’ll likely forget but which will give you confidence (and a basis of comparison).

Then when The One enters, stage left, you grab him and kiss him for your first REAL kiss.

Just like in the movies.

***

Hi!

I’ve liked this guy since eighth grade and a few months ago he told me that he liked me back. Shortly after that we kissed, and suddenly he went all strange. He started avoiding me, and when I asked him if he still had feelings for me all he said was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I really like him so just trying to find someone else doesn’t seem right. Plus shortly after I confronted him on whether he still liked me we stopped talking for two weeks and have now gone back to talking to like we did prekiss. I don’t know if he just freaked when we kissed because he hasn’t really ever dated anyone and on top of it when he told me he liked me, he also said that part of the reason he had never spoken up about it sooner was because he has a fear of telling people how he feels. Should I just wait until he decides he is ready for a relationship, should I try talking to him about everything, or what?

–Confused After a Kiss

Dear CAK,

Because it’s Science Day here in Adviceopolis, I also performed science on your question, and took a survey of guys I know to ask what could cause this phenomenon. It sounds from their diagnosis like your fellow is suffering from Stage 2 Firstkiss-itis: Freakout! Because! Never! Done! This! Before!

Unfortunately, there’s no single cure for Stage 2 Firstkiss-itis. As my team of experts and I see it, you now have two choices: you can say to him “I really like you, and I’d love to try out the whole relationship thing again. We don’t have to move straight to kissing, we can go at whatever pace is comfortable for you. Would you be into that?” and go wherever that takes you; or you can skip the chat, decide to take him at his word that he isn’t ready for a relationship, and sashay on to the next lucky guy.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

I broke up with my boyfriend. How do I start dating again?!?

Dear Dr. J,

I dated the same guy from age 15 to age 22. It’s over, and I’m ready to move on, but here’s the problem: The last time I had to date, I was a freshman in high school, and now I have to start from scratch as an adult, but HOW? Are there new rules? Where do the smart and funny nerd guys hang out once they graduate college? What do I say to them when I find them? Advice, please!

-How Does This Work Again?

Dear HDTWA,

Congratulations! You are about to have the FUNNEST time of your life: the time when you become a Duchess of Dating.

How? There are plenty of blogs (and even this one: in fact I’ll be reposting some Advice from the archives about flirting soon) that will give you practical advice—be confident (walk tall!), have a great smile (Crest White Strips!), go out to have fun not to meet people (laugh and the world laughs with you!), join a club where you’ll encounter like minded pals (club!)—so that’s not what I’m going to do.

Instead, I am going to share two simple philosophical concepts that will change your life. When you read them you may think, “ah how sad, Dr. J has gone loco in the coco and can no longer be trusted” (loco in the coco is a popular phrase in Adviceopolis meaning “out of her tiny mind”). When you actually begin to use them, you will see they are easy yet radical and super powerful.

Be Sincerely Single

Love being single, especially if you are a woman. Many people and most websites treat being single as some kind of weigh-station or last-month’s-magazine-strewn waiting room, a place you hang out while you’re waiting to be summoned to coupleness. I think that is Wrong with a side of Wrongchester Sauce.

Being a single female at this point in history is a unique and amazing privilege. The world is yours. You can do ANYTHING. If I believed in sinister social forces and tossed around words like “Patriarchy” in casual conversation [disclaimer: I do], I would say that the reason there is so much pressure to be in a couple is because single women are AWESOME and without a lot of social pressure telling them otherwise, no woman would give that up. Not to mention that whole industries (yes that means you, magazines and blogs that get readers by documenting which celebrities are breaking up/making up/making out) dedicated to charting relationships (as well as you, matcharmistrydotcom) which would be out of business if we weren’t focused on relationships all the time. But part of the reason for that focus is because so many go awry. Because people do them wrong. People rush into relationships looking for something that no one relationship—except possibly the relationship you have with yourself—can supply.

That is the crucial part: no one relationship. Loving being single does not mean you can’t have a life filled with romance and can’t date. To the contrary, it means you can date lots of people. It simply means you shouldn’t be dating as a way to stop being single.  Which brings us to:

Date Inclusively

A wise friend of mine, Dr. King, once described a date as “a perfect night someone plans and gift wraps for you like a present to make you both feel special,” which I think is a great definition. It highlights the most salient parts of dating: that people tend to treat both themselves and one another as better, more interesting companions when dating than when in an exclusive relationship (notice how much relationship advice goes something like “if things are stagnant, plan to go out on a “date” the way you did when you were getting to know each other! Rekindle those memories of what it was like when you first met!”). One of the best parts of being single is that you can date lots of different people, that is, get and give lots of “presents.”

Not only can you, you should. Using Science, the researchers at Advice Central Labs For Better Relationships have determined that the optimal number of people to date at once is between three and five. Any fewer and you get into a situation that limps inevitably toward conversations about how serious you want to be LONG before those conversations are warranted; any more and you won’t have time to do your work and see your friends. This is true for anyone at any age—whether you’re 13 or 300, loving being single means there is no reason to focus all your romance energy on one person. Different people are fun to do different things with: one person is great for movies, another for going to art galleries, another for going on daytrips to see the Worlds Largest Ball of [Noun]. This way you will have an optimal companion for whatever you want to do.

I’m not the only one who thinks this: researchers in other (obviously less prestigious) labs than the ones in Adviceopolis (like at places with “University” in their names) have studied the brain chemistry of individuals who are dating versus those in long term relationships, and shown that there’s a lot more of all the chemicals that make people happy, highly productive and focused in the dating brain than in the brains of people sauntering down the path of exclusive coupledom.

The only thing you must not do is play games: you must be frank with whomever you are seeing that you are not seeing them exclusively. (Which, oddly, you will discover that if you mean it when you say it, is the #1 way to get people to want to see you exclusively. Because humans are immensely strange creatures).

That’s it. That’s my life changing advice. You will encounter naysayers, people who clamor “its hard enough to meet one person to date let alone three to five!” but I assure you that is only true if they are single state haters.  If you truly embrace this two part strategy—love being single, and openly and happily date multiple people—you will have no trouble at all. The fizz of confidence and happiness you will exude will draw people to you like a supermagnet.

Try it! The only thing you have to lose is rushing into another disappointing relationship.

Airkisses,

Dr. J