Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 2

Weight Distress

Dear Michele,

I’m 13 and overweight, but not obese. I have really

low self-confidence and I’m trying to lose weight and

become more healthy, but since this is a slow process,

I need advice now. There are two boys that in almost

all of my classes and they find it amusing to call my

friend and I fat. Yesterday, for instance, we asked

them if they could stop talking so that we could do

our work, and they said, “Shut up, fatties.” And then

all of their stupid friends laughed. So, the boy that

talks the most said, “You have more rolls than a

picnic.” It’s really hurtful but I never let them see

how bad I feel, but when I got home yesterday,

I just cried forever and nothing helped me feel better.

I try so hard to just shrug it off, but his words keep

coming back to me. How can I get him to stop without

ignoring him (which doesn’t work)? And, also, is

there anything I can do that isn’t a fad diet or

something that can help me lose weight faster?

–Sick of Being Judged

Dear Sick of Being Judged,

Fret no more! The Adviceopolis anti-bully task force has devised a simple solution for both your problems.

Our diagnosis: you are being taunted by a Bombie—a Boy Zombie who has such low self esteem that he has to pick on you to make himself feel better. Bombies thrive on the misery of others, but they are cowards, so they pick on people who seem to be easy targets. Which means the solution to this is simple: we make you a less easy target. And you’re already well on your way!

I know from personal experience that loosing weight sensibly is a huge challenge requiring self control, mental discipline, and bravery, and the fact that you’re doing it shows you have everything you need to fortify yourself against Bombie attacks. To help it happen as fast as possible, simply embrace this two part process.

Part I: FORTIFY YOUR DEFENSES

Since Bombies attack those who are vulnerable, make yourself seem less vulnerable.

One way to do that is to turn everything he says into a joke…on him. For example:

HIM: You have more rolls than a picnic

YOU: Look whose trying to be smart! Did your mom teach you that? Because I know you couldn’t think that all on your own.

When his pals laugh with him, you can say: “How cute! Monkey see monkey do!” You’re not just keeping him from seeing that he’s upset you; instead, you’re showing him that he’s not impressing you, and that you think he’s funny. Being funny to the people they are picking on is something Bombies fear, because it sucks away their power to create misery.

Another option to make yourself a less appealing target is to confront him. Say to the main Bombie, in a calm collected way, “Hey, can I talk to you alone this afternoon?” When you get him alone, you say, “I don’t know why you and your friends enjoy bothering me so much, but I want it to stop, and its going to stop now. I’m talking to you because I know the other bombies look up to you, and if you tell them to lay off they will. So I expect to hear only nice things from all of you, or nothing at all. Right?”

This does two things: by saying that he has power over the other Bombie children you flatter him and sort of put his name on the line: if he doesn’t get them to stop, he looks weak. And by confronting him, you show that you’re not an easy target. If it doesn’t work the first time, do it again. Standing up to him will get him to stand down. (If he doesn’t come alone, take him aside away from his bombie supporters. That will seriously scare him).

PART II: EXERCISE

Everyone knows that exercise is the key to shedding pounds fast, but it does more than that: its also an excellent way to vent your feelings, AND doing it increases the chemicals in your brain that fight sadness. So when the Bombies are getting you down, go for a run or a bike ride or do lunges or play Dance Dance Party revolution or swim laps or lift weights or do whatever kind of exercise you like the most.

When I needed to loose weight, I used a program combining an hour of cardio a day (working out on the treadmill or ellipse machine), and lifting weights twice a week. Doing cardio plus weight training helps you burn calories and build muscle; since muscle burns calories faster than fat, this is like giving your weight loss plan a turbo boost. But that kind of program isn’t for everyone. The key is to find a form of exercise you don’t hate too much, and do it four to five times a week.

Make sure to pat yourself on the back for the effort you’re making to shed pounds, rewarding yourself in small ways like a new pair of earrings or a new belt for your progress. and not beating yourself up if you take a step backwards. What you’re doing is hard and takes time but it will be worth it in six weeks, when you see a new you smiling out of the mirror.

(And when you have new muscles to flex menacingly if Bombie boy is bugging you).

(Not that this blog advocates violence. Just preventative flexing.)

(Well and maybe a tiny arm wrestling challenge.)

 

airkisses,

Dr. J

Boy/Friend

Happy New Year! It’s time for delicious advice, fresh baked and piping hot from the oven. Get yours here!

Dear Michele,

I’m in eighth grade. I have a really good friend who’s super competitive with me. Well, okay, I’m competitive with her too….

…And then there’s this guy. He’s the nicest guy in the world, and I’ve had the chance recently to get to know him better and I totally adore him. But I just learned he asked out my friend! And she said she’d think about it even though I know she doesn’t like him AND she suspects I like him.

What do I do, Michele? I can’t move on from the guy so don’t even try it. What I feel for him is so DIFFERENT from anything I’ve felt for anyone else. Should I tell him how I feel? Should I tell my friend?

Most importantly, how do I stay friends with the guy no matter what happens? And equally imperative, how do I stay friends with my friend?

I’m afraid that the competition will be settled once and for all.

Luvv,

Heartbroken Girl

Dear HG,

If your two priorities really are staying friends with the guy and staying friends with your friend, then here’s what I suggest:

DON’T say anything to the guy right now. First of all, he just asked someone else out, so that would be like trying to steal him from someone, which is very un-AAB (Adviceopolis Approved Behavior). Second, telling him you like him could warp your friendship.

DO say something to your friend. Since your friend didn’t actually know you liked him—you say you think she suspected but you don’t know—you can’t blame her if she says yes to him. I’d suggest saying something to her like “I’m so jealous, I wish he’d asked me out! I really like him. You’re lucky.”

This works as a kind of test:

If she is just doing this to be competitive with you, then she’ll start dating him even though she likes someone else. Doing this she’ll be in violation of pretty much every provision of the Friends Bill of Rights including Friends are Nice to their Friends, and you should seriously reconsider how close you are to her and if she is worth your Friendship time.

But if she isn’t being competitive with you over guys, and she doesn’t like him, she’ll say, “I had no idea. I’ll tell him ‘no.’ He’s not my type anyway!”

Leaving your friendship in tact and the path to CuteGuy clear for you.

[ASIDE: It sounds like the competition between the two of you has gotten a bit out of hand. What’s going on isn’t healthy, but its not unusual: Friendship and competition can look alike from the outside because in both cases, the parties have the exact same interests and are dependant on each other.

The difference is, in friendship, this leads to two people leaning on one another for mutual support; in competition this leads to two people pushing against one another as hard as they can until one falls down in the mud. If your relationship with your friend is one you sincerely value, you should sit down with her and talk about this. Either fix your friendship or pull out of the competition before things get dirty.]

***

Dear Michele

I have a really great guy friend and we get on very well. The only trouble is he smells extremely bad and has a terrible sweat problem. What really gets to me and my friends, is that he goes around hugging me and all my friends while he is dripping with sweat. We all hate it.

When he’s sitting next to you he sometimes leans his head on your shoulder. And when he sits up normal again there is a huge sweat patch on your school uniform, this also makes everyone think we go out.

I really don’t want to hurt his feelings by explaining to him how he needs to use deodorant.

What can I do?

-No more hugs

Dear NMH,

No sweat! All you have to do is tell one of his closest guy friends what you told me and have the friend tell Mr. Sweaty to start using deodorant. Pick someone you know will be nice about it.

If you can’t think of the right person, you could tell a teacher and have them mention it to him (a PE teacher would be a good bet). But a friend would be my first choice because nobody says “You stink!” like a close pal.

***

ok,

so there is this guy at school who I thought was extremely annoying until recently. then this semester I started seeing how nice he was……. and I never really thought of him as boyfriend material until my friend asked me if I liked him. The more i think about it, the more I like him and think about him and me. but I am not really sure if i should ask him out cause what if I turn out not to like him? and a lot of people think that he is annoying but.. I dont know!

~to ask or not to ask!

Dear 2Aor not 2A,

Two four six eight

Ask him out before it gets too late

You’re lockers are close, why shouldn’t you be?

Smile, flip your hair, and invite him to a movie!

You’ve got nothing to loose and everything to gain

So come aboard the Ask-A-Guy-On-A-Date train.

I hope you enjoyed this Advice snack. Come back tomorrow for more Advicitios—like Doritos only for your miiiiiiiiiiiiiind.

airkisses,

Dr. J

Am I ready to have sex?

Dear Michele,

So, my boyfriend and I have been going out for a year. I love him sooooo much, and things are great, but lately we’re just having a lot more trouble fighting temptation. I’ve sworn (to myself) to stay a virgin till I’m out of highschool (I don’t need accidents in high school), but…is it worth it? Am I just too young? Both of us fully intended to be safe and stuff, but I just don’t know anymore. It feels right, but I just don’t want to regret anything if I decide to just go ahead and not wait. Do I wait? Do I just not wait? In today’s society, does virginity even matter anymore??

–Ready? or Not?

Dear R?,

Sex isn’t like baking cookies—there’s not a timer that dings and says “Ready!” The right time to have sex is different for every person and every relationship.

(Virginity and sex also mean different things to different people: for some people, any kind of contact with the genitals is considered sex; others engage in oral sex (mouth to genital contact) but still consider themselves virgins if they haven’t had vaginal intercourse. In responding to this advice question, I am talking about vaginal intercourse, where a penis enters the vagina.)

Although there’s no one right time, there are some prerequisites: I think every female should read the book OUR BODIES OURSELVES before becoming sexually active. And every couple should read the entire guide on the Its Your (Sex) Life website. Because knowing your body and how sex works is the number one way to insure that you will have a satisfying and safe time with your chosen partner. The more you know, the less risk you face and the greater the reward will be. It is also showing yourself the kind of respect you deserve. So, have you read OUR BODIES OURSELVES? No? Go read it and come back.

Back already? Ok, then lets move on.

You are NOT READY to have sex if:

You are not prepared to be mature and safe about it

You don’t even know what ‘mature and safe’ mean in this context

You can’t say the words penis or vagina to your partner

You don’t know how to use a condom and have never practiced putting one on an item from the vegetable drawer of the refrigerator.

You think I’m kidding about that.

You don’t have an additional method of contraception.

(You have not read OUR BODIES OURSELVES.)

You ARE ready to have sex if:

Ha! Like I said, that’s personal and different for every person.

I’ve put together 10 questions that both you and your partner should go over, to help figure out if the time is right.

AM I READY TO HAVE SEX QUIZ:

1. Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, not because I think I should to please either my partner or my friends?

2. Do I know my partner well enough?

3. Do I feel comfortable enough to do this sober?

4. Do I know enough about sex? Do I understand my anatomy, my partner’s anatomy, how sex works and which parts of my body are the most sensitive?

5. Do I understand the risks of sexually transmitted diseases,

HIV and pregnancy, and how to minimize those risks?

6. When I’m older, will I be glad I lost my virginity at this age and in this way?

7. Can I talk to my partner about sex and contraception? Can I use words like penis and vagina, and explain what feels good to me?

8. Do I have a condom, and know how to use it? As well as a second method of contraception?

9. Does this fit in with my beliefs?

10. Is it legal in my state?

If you answered no to ANY of these questions, you’re not ready.

If you answered yes to ALL of them, you MIGHT be. But only if you and your partner both want to, and have both read OUR BODIES OURSELVES.

Kidding. About the reading part. Sort of.

The reason I keep stressing that is because the only kind of sex worth having, the only kind I want any of you to ever consider, is safe sex. That doesn’t just mean taking precautions so you won’t get pregnant or a disease. It means being comfortable both with your partner and yourself, and knowing it’s what you want to do.

Sex isn’t going anywhere. If you’re not sure you’re ready, there are a lot of other things you and a partner can do that feel great and intimate and don’t involve intercourse. But if you do think you’re ready, remember: the more you know about your body, the more you will enjoy the experience and the healthier you will be. Safe sex is more satisfying sex. And that is something worth waiting for.

Airkisses! See you NEXT YEAR and ’til then, be superawesomeatastic!

Dr. J

Friends Don’t let Friends Become Boring

Dear Michele,

I have a friend and ALL she talks about is this kid who shes “so in love with.” I’m so tired of hearing about him, how do I stop her from talking about him to me without being rude?

Always,

annoyed to death

Dear Annoyed,

Oooh I so know what you are talking about. Its like your friend has been taken over by the Boring Trolls. There is only one way to conquer the Boring Trolls: by invoking the theme song of their arch nemeses…the Smurfs!

That is right. While your friend is talking, you should just sit and hum the smurf song until it is over.

Just kidding. There are actually three (other) things you can do to try free your friend from the clutches of the Boring Trolls:

Make it a game: jokingly say “Okay, today is Wednesday and that means its BFD–Boy Free Day. We’re not allowed to talk about guys at all and if either of us does, they have to pay the other one a dollar.”

Make it a challenge: say, “why don’t you stop talking about him and go talk TO him. I double dare you.” That should either get her to put up or shut up.

Make it impossible: only meet her at the movies or library, places where she’s not allowed to talk. Or only while eating toffee.

You can, of course, just say to her “Please please PLEASE can we talk about something else for HALF AN HOUR? I AM BEGGING HERE.” Which might work. But it will probably work better if money, dares or toffee are involved. I’m just saying.

(And if none of that helps, you can remind yourself of how the smurf theme song goes here)

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Friends For(n)ever

Ok, here goes:

My three closest friends have always gotten along great. But lately it’s seemed like they’re leaving me out of more and more things, and they just forget to tell me things.

The first time they forgot, I just shrugged it off, but it’s happening more frequently now. It’s obvious that they don’t know I care so much, but it makes me feel really bad, and I don’t know how to tell them.

I’ve never been all that great with the whole putting words together and telling someone how I feel thing. I’m not much of a talker. At all. So, if you know what I should do to tell them how I feel, I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Feeling Left Out

Dear FLO,

You put the words together in your email to me brilliantly. So what I’d suggest you do is write down all the things you are feeling and specific times they did things that hurt you or made you feel excluded. Put it ALL on paper.

Then go to sleep.

The next day, read over the things you wrote down and select two or three sentences explaining how you are feeling, and one specific incident when you felt overlooked.

My favorite part of your email was where you said “Its obvious they don’t know I care so much, but it makes me feel really bad.” That’s a great line to use with your friends because there’s no way it can hurt them—you’re not blaming them, you’re excusing them and telling them why you’re speaking up. I’d open with something like that and follow with the specifics. When you have it all together, practice saying it in a calm way, so you feel in control.

Then take a deep breath and do it. I know it feels hard but its worth it—it can only make things better, and each time we try something that makes us a little uncomfortable, we become stronger and braver and more like superheroes.

(only without having to wear underwear on the outside of our clothes. Definite plus.)

That’s the end of the line for the Adviceopolis express today. Be super!

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Eenie Meenie Minie, Uh oh

Dr. Jaffe,

I have a boyfriend, but we are slowly falling apart. I feel like i have to literally throw myself at him to get him to notice me. I also help out at his school alot and we have all the same friends. Everyone knows us as the “it” couple.

And thats where it gets complicated.

These things started coming up where I was spending alot of time with his friends…namely his best friend…and I sort of started falling for his best friend…who is a GIRL. I have a crush on a GIRL!

This is CRAAAZY and I absolutely have no idea what to do. We are getting closer and really want to be together. She has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend, but we dont want to end up being the reasons for so much pain.

I just wish there was a way to make everything so much easier.

What am I supposed to do?

-Friends know Best

Dear FKB,

I will leave aside the whole WE DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT APPRECIATE US discussion, because it sounds like you’re ready to exit your “falling apart” relationship with your boyfriend. Which means this is a very straight forward case of Act How You’d Want Others to Act to You.

In other words, you and your new crush both need to get out of the relationships you’re in, and then you can be together. While it might be hard for your boyfriend and her girlfriend in the short term, you’d be lying to both of them if you didn’t get out now, feeling how you feel about each other.

You can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings but you CAN be responsible for how you treat them. Giving them the respect they deserve by being honest and breaking things off when they’re not working is the best and healthiest way to handle this. You can say “Look, [insert name of boyfriend], I’ve enjoyed dating you but I don’t feel like our relationship is working right now.” It might be easier than you think—from what you describe, he probably doesn’t feel like its working either.

Then when both you and your crush are free, you can reemerge as a couple. It might be a little awkward at the beginning since she’s his best friend, but if you’ve handled it openly and with honesty you can be proud of yourselves, and your former partners won’t have anything to hold against you. Then you can be happy in your new relationship, and they can find other people to be happy with too. Happily Ever After endings for everyone!

Airsmoochies!

Dr. J

 

How To Kiss

Hi Dr. Jaffe!

I’m 16, and I’ve been kissed, but I’ve never really been kissed. (As in, beyond a peck on the lips.) I’m all for experience, however, the problem is that I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do when the opportunity to “get experienced” rolls around, as far as actual kissing goes. So I’m nervous about getting experience because I’m afraid that it will show that I’m inexperienced. (It’s really very circular.) I realize this is not very important in the long run, and if a guy doesn’t like me because of my make-out skills (or lack thereof) I shouldn’t be after him, but any…well…technical advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Left Behind

Dear Left Behind,

Which one of these things doesn’t belong: basketball, ballet, soccer, ice skating, dance dance party revolution, kissing?

That’s right: KISSING. Know why? Because all those other things require practice to get good at them. But not kissing. Kissing is one of those things like eating or talking: it comes naturally. You were kissing before you were talking.

So don’t worry. When the serious kissing starts, your lips will know what to do. (And your tongue will catch on too, if its invited. Which you’ll know because another tongue will issue the invitation by trying to make contact.).

To have a great kiss, all you have to remember is FRESH.

F is for FRESH BREATH: make sure your mouth is clean and delicous tasting by brushing or having a breath mint

R is for RELAX: don’t tense up, and remember to breathe.

E is for EYES: gaze deeply into the eyes of your kissee until your lips touch, then close your peepers and let yourself gooooo

S is for SMOOTH: smooth, well moisturized lips are nicest to kiss. Use a lip balm or gloss before kissing.

H is for HEAD: As you move in for the kiss, tilt your head to one side or the other to avoid Nose-Bumb. (But even if Nose-Bump happens, it’s still fine.)

But the number one most important thing for a great kiss is to like the person you are kissing. The best kisses are not the fanciest ones, they are the ones between two people who are into each other. And don’t be alarmed if your kiss is a little awkward—in my experience, the funnest and most memorable kisses are the ones that make you laugh.

(p.s. you can also practice kissing the back of your hand if you want to, just to see what different kinds of pressure or speed feel like. But honestly, you have nothing to worry about.)

AirKISSES,

Dr. J

Ho no you don’t

Dr . Jaffe,

So I like this guy. Once my friend randomly walked up to him (because I was so obsessing over him) and asked him for his AIM s/n. In the last few months I’ve had about 6 hour long conversations with him on IM. Since then, I talked to him once again (in person) and it was a short conversation.

So here’s my questions:

1. Should i say hi to him when he’s not looking directly at me (cuz i think he gets nervous… like he’s REALLY SHY)

2. HOW DO I FREAKING TALK TO HIM? i never have the balls to just GO UP THERE AND DO IT and i am normally such an extrovert. I’m scared of his friends i guess, cuz when I see him he’s always with them.

i don’t even know why I like this kid. HE IS SUCH A NERD!!! but i am so obsessed with him (and his ass cuz he wears girl pants ^.^ ) … i don’t know.. he’s not fake at all; he’s very sincere and genuine. he represents reality to me and i just love that.

i mean should i wear slutty clothes or something to get his attention? how do i talk to him?

-Crazy About Him

Dear CAH,

It sounds like you have found a Hidden Treasure boy, a special boy who might not even know how hot he is, and I think you should absolutely and definitely wear slutty clothes—if you are trying to scare him and get him to flee into the hills like a terrified squirrel. If, however, your more interested in dating him, step away from the lace up bodice and mega-mini. The key thing is to find a way to be more yourself when you’re around him, not more Little Ho Peep.

To answer your questions:

1. You should say “hi” to him whenever you are near him, even if he isn’t looking at you. You can even say something like “Hi, hotstuff,” or whatever you would say to your regular friends.

2. The best way to make it easier to talk to him is to pretend he is just one of your regular friends. But it could be hard to fool your mind into that, so in the meantime, do these things: first, think of some questions about things you know he’s interested in, or even just jokey things to ask him AND his friends. You can even pretend you’re taking a survey (check out the CIAO program Part I–located in this blog’s archives on 1-29-06–and the BAD program for some specific ideas about how to approach this). Practice asking them about a million times in the mirror at home until you are totally bored of them, so saying them will like saying “Yes, mom, this is black lipstick and no, I don’t see anything wrong with this outfit” or whatever phrase you find yourself saying daily. Then, when you’re going to talk to him, take like 10 deep breaths. This will relax you and also make you a little light headed so you won’t know what you’re doing. Ha ha just kidding about being lightheaded. Mostly.

But really, you have nothing to worry about: since you have no problem IMing with him, you clearly have a lot to talk about. All you have to do is get over the initial hurdle of feeling freaked out about starting a conversation. And stay out of Sluterella’s closet.

airkisses & ehugs,

Dr. J

My BFF has gone AWOL

So.

I recently hooked back up my best friend with her ex-boyfriend. Problem is at first I was happy for them because it had been six months of her sadness but now she spends more time with him than me. The only time she hangs out with me is whenever she is not allowed to be with him or otherwise. it seems as if she’d rather ditch me for him. What should I do? a) find a way to break them up or b) find a new best friend which i don’t want to do.. HELP!!

- Some girl who feels alone

Dear Some Girl,

The problem isn’t with the boyfriend or the relationship, it is with your friend. She’s been BoyfriendSnatched. This is a less severe version of the kind of BodySnatching that you see in movies about zombies. It happens to some girls when they get boyfriends, they go totally out of their head and instead of being themselves, become Drippy-Girlfriend versions of themselves. It is quite tragico and also not very pretty, so I completely feel for you.

How do you rescue a BoyfriendSnatched friend? You’ve got to tell her how she is making you feel. But do it in a calm and non-accusatory manner because the BoyfriendSnatched are already kind of weak (or they wouldn’t have been B-Snatched in the first place) and likely to get defensive. In other words,

DON’T SAY: “You’ve been acting like a total MORON. You think you’re so hot because you have a boyfriend but you just look stupid. I have no respect for how you are with [insulting nickname for boyfriend]. I never thought I’d see my best friend stoop so low. And remember: I got you back together—I could pull you apart. Like that, [insert finger snap] and don’t think I won’t do it.” [insert manic laughter]

DO SAY: “I’m sure you don’t mean to be doing this but I feel like we never get to spend time together any more. I think I’m having friend with drawls! It really hurts when you ditch our plans to be with [name of boyfriend]. I wish you could find a way to be with me and with him rather than canceling like that [insert finger snap] whenever he calls. Because, and I know this isn’t what you mean but still, it makes me feel like I don’t matter to you.” [insert gulp and possible tear rolling down cheek].

The key is to tell her in a non-blaming way how her actions made you feel, with the assumption that she wasn’t doing them on purpose. I suggest you write down what you want to say ahead of time and practice it in front of the mirror so that you can get the tear rolling down the cheek thing down—no, for real, so that you can say it in as calm and controlled a way as possible.

Airkisses!

Dr. J

copy cats

Hi,

individuality is really important to me, and I like to be different, clothes-wise, etc. But, there’s this girl, who I’ve known for a while, and who just copies me in everything! It started off with her buying the same shoes as me, not a big deal, but then she went and got exactly the same hair cut as me, and then she started to find out what books I was reading and she got them as well! It’s just getting worse every day, what do I do?

Going crazy

Dear GC—

Clearly this is a big compliment she’s paying you: she pretty much thinks you are the freezer section at the local supermarket, you’re so cool. She likes your look and your vibe wants to copy it.

It sounds to me like your superpower is to Exude the Cool. Having people follow your lead is an occupational hazard of Cool super heroines. People are always trying to get some of your icy coolness to rub off on them. But you can make sure that happens in a way that doesn’t feel like its eroding your personal style.

Here’s how: build on the respect your friend obviously feels for you to help guide her to find her own style. Say things like “I saw this shirt I think would look really cute on you with those pants you have” or “I heard about this book I think you’d really like,” or “oooh, this hat is So You!”. She’ll be flattered that you thought of her, and inclined to try it because your taste is so good. That way you use your superpower of Coolness for good, spreading the cool, building a friend’s confidence, and making the world a better place. Take that global warming!

airkisses,

Dr. J