Michele Jaffe's Blog, page 4

How serious is too serious, seriously?

Dearest Michele,

I’m a sophomore in High school and currently in a wonderful relationship with this guy. But I have a question. He’s my first love, one and only, Knight in Shining Armor–whatever you’d like to call it–however, I’m starting to kinda wonder about becoming genuinely serious with him. I mean, we’re beginning to already –talking bout moving in with each other after High school, getting married, having kids…the whole shebang and I really want to do all that but am I’m just wondering if I’m getting too far ahead of myself? Am I still too young to be pursuing in those sort of goals? Should I, as they say, try on a few more glass slippers before deciding on the one I truly want? I already feel that he’s the one for me and I wouldn’t dare to desert him but I don’t know if I’m making the right decision…following through on a good path in my journey of love. I would truly appreciate some advice on what would be good for me to do in this current phase in life. Thank you so much.

–Miss Desperately Confuzzled

Dear Desperately Confuzzled,

I am thrilled you are dating a nice boy. That is fantastique and also marvy. I think, though, that you should try to be more In The Moment rather than Planning For Retirement with it. Enjoy the relationship now, for what it is. Looking to the future like you’re doing is okay and probably fun, but its also unrealistic.

Yes, some people end up with their high school sweethearts, but that’s not always how the fairy tale goes. Don’t pin too much on that. Let the relationship take whatever course it takes naturally. It will know what to do. You just enjoy the ride and periodically check in with yourself to make sure you’re emotional and physical needs are being met.

Because I am very scholarly and, um, something, I’ve compiled some interesting statistics to compliment these last two letters. Where “I compiled” is code for “I copied them from the American Airlines magazine I read recently.” It is weirdly heterosexually focused, so we clearly need more data, but for now let’s look at the facts:

Average number of women that a man will kiss before settling down: 24

Average number of men that a woman will kiss: 17.5

Average age of girls at first kiss: 14

Average age of guys: 16-18

Which leads to the following analysis (and no, I do not know how you kiss point five of a guy): 1. most people have more than one relationship or at least kissing partner in their lives; 2. Girls start kissing earlier, but they kiss fewer people than guys. Which is a disparity that I think you should all remedy. It also suggests that girls are more libel to be in long term relationships. Perhaps even with guys who are kissing other girls.

My conclusion: Kiss when you feel ready, enjoy what you have as it comes, and if you see a half-guy KISS HIM!

smooch!

That is all for today, dumplings of joy. airkisses,

Dr. J

Why do I like what(ever guy)I can’t have?

Hi Dr. J,

So, I’m 15 and at the beginning of the school year I joined this band. I’m the youngest member and from the start I had this huge crush on one of my band mates, who is about three years older than me, which means too old for me to date now. Realizing that there was no chance of me being with him, I asked another guy to our school dance specifically because I considered him neutral. But we hit it off, to the point where my best friend was like, “so, you’ve given up on Band Guy?” And all I could say was, “I don’t know.” Now I am confused. Nothing can happen with Band Guy, but if anything were to happen with the other guy, I would feel guilty because the whole time I would know that I really wanted to be with someone else. I don’t want to lose either friendship, because both people are important to me.

–Baby of the Band

Dear BandBaby,

What I recommend is that you don’t date anyone and wait three years for Band Guy, sanctifying your love through your heart wrenching suffering.

Not.

I think you already know the right answer but I’ll just say it anyway: You need to take Band Guy off your active list of people you have a crush on, since as you say it can’t go anywhere (legal), and date someone else. Someone like…Other Guy. Band Guy will be there later, if you’re still interested, and in three years you will have learned a lot more about how to have a strong and stable and cool relationship.

But to be honest, I’m betting your feelings for him will wane. I know I sound like a cruel and heartless zombie in the guise of a human, but it is natural to fall for someone when you spend a lot of time with them, especially if they are nice and talented. And it is also natural for those feelings to dissipate after awhile, especially if you really give yourself over to a new relationship.

Like I am hypnotizing you to do@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@right@@@@@@@@@@@@

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@now@@@@@@@@.

***

Hey!

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me because when boys ask me out I don’t like them, and when they finally give up on me and ask one of my friends out I suddenly fall in love with them! – and then I feel really guilty!! Is there something wrong with me? Please help!!

–Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Dear Looking,

Know what is wrong with you? Nothing! I’d guess that you aren’t interested in the guy and just enjoy the thrill of being crushed-on, so when that’s taken away you miss it. That’s normal, especially if you recognize it and don’t go around stealing your friends’ boyfriends then dumping them a week later, shattered shells of their former selves.

But there are three other explanations you should consider:

1. You’re scared of being intimate so you only like boys who are taken, guaranteeing you won’t have to have a relationship.

2. You really do like these guys but are afraid to admit it to yourself and only realize it when you feel the hole in your heart where their love should be.

3. They smell bad close up but when they’re away with someone else you forget so they seem better.

Think it’s one of these? Try this: say ‘yes’ next time you’re asked out; if you enjoy it, whoopee! If not, write down the reasons in gruesome detail. Later, if you feel yourself re-falling for him, reread what you wrote and decide if those were legit concerns (bye bye B.O. Cowboy!) or roadblocks you were putting in the way of your own happiness.

That’s all for now, adorable minimuffins!

airkisses,

Dr. J

CIAO Program, Part II

Buon giorno America! What? No, it is not exhausting to be so fabulous like us. You are le adorable!

O boy there were some GREAT guesses about what O could be. Were they cOrrect? Let’s do an advice question first…

Dear Michele,

I’m 16 and about to graduate high school. My frustration in life is that no guy seems to take any interest in me aside from being friends. It’s never been a big deal, but sometimes I really feel envious of my friends who have boyfriends or at least guys who are infatuated with them. I’m plain looking and slightly on the chubby side. I feel like I’m this huge wildcard in class because I’m not exactly like other girls. I have common interests with my male friends but they don’t see me as anything other than a friend. My friend says it might because I appear, well, sort of snobby when

guys first see me. If not, they were intimidated by some of the stuff (books) I’m into or the stuff I write down for English class.

–Aspiring Writer

Dear AW,

Everything I suggested in the first part of the CIAO program could apply here, to get them to see you anew, but the single fastest way you can change how those guys—or anyone—thinks of you, the instant just-add-water fix, is to challenge yourself sartorially. Yes,

O is for Outfits.

All social animals use their external markings to give off messages, for protection and attraction, to seem fierce or nice, to lure in prey or to frighten off predators. We are no different, only our external markings are detachable.

I cannot overstate the importance of wardrobe. This isn’t shallow: clothes do NOT make the wo/man, but clothes DO show a state of mind. Every outfit is a cumulative series of decisions that say something about you: even if that decision is, ‘I’ll pull on the closest thing to my bed.’ (What that says to me is, “I don’t know how to dress well so I’m opting out and pretending I don’t care.” Does too!)

Think about it: would you leave your diary lying around so everyone could read your innermost, most insecure thoughts? N. O. But you’re doing the exact same things with your clothes if you don’t pay attention to them. You’re telling the world things about your life and your mental state through the choices you make about what you wear and how you carry yourself. And you can control what those are. Don’t you want to?

The question to ask yourself as you get dressed is: what are my clothes saying about my state of mind? Or, phrased differently: how do I feel about myself when I put this outfit on? The answer to that should be “I feel great about myself.” Not tepid. Not ‘Okay’ or ‘Good.’ Great.

I hear some of you scoffing, “But I don’t want to dress to impress others. I want to be an individual.” Which is totally right. You are dressing to impress yourself, And to make sure that others get the message about you that you want to send, which should be “I like myself, I take care of myself, I am rad.” Everyone, no matter what size or shape, can look fantastic.

Clothes that don’t fit (too small or too big), hair in your face, slouched shoulders, unflattering makeup don’t say to people “I’m an individual and I don’t care what you think.” They say “I am employing the technique that teens have been employing since Ye Olden Times to get people to back off so they don’t show how insecure they are, therefore I am not an individual or very original and also I’ve definitely got lower self esteem than you. Yeah, I don’t know why you’d want to be my friend either.”

Altering what you wear allows you to control that message. Clothes are for having FUN with, and showing others that you are fun, creative, and in charge. If your life is a play, and Shakespeare said it so it must be true, then clothes let you choose every single day what part you want to play. How cool is that? Iper cool.

This doesn’t have to be an expensive proposition: you can do it with things in your closet I bet. Plus, a cute fitted t-shirt and a pair of jeans that flatter you can go a long way toward making a huge improvement. And, as always, the best accessory is good posture built on confidence.

(A cool belt or candy necklace doesn’t hurt either.)

(If you want to try it but are baffled about where to start, send me clothing advice questions. I loooooooooooooooove to talk about clothes. What? You couldn’t tell? Excellent, my How To Be Subtle for Dummies course must really be paying off.)

So now you are ready to say CIAO to your new, more confident, more befriended self. Each part of the program can work on its own, but they also complement each other. All you have to do is:

Make a CONTRACT with yourself to meet new people. Implement it by asking them questions about themselves, perhaps in an INTERVIEW.

Guarantee a positive response by being ATTENTIVE so they feel respected.

While showing, through your OUTFIT that you think you’re someone worth knowing. Or KNOWING.

Phew. All that chatter about clothes made me want to go play with my new gold boots. Tomorrow Advice As Usual resumes with some fascinating questions about…

BOYS.

CIAO for now and,

airkisses,

Dr. J

CIAO Program, Part I

Ciao America! You look le superfantastico!

Hello my little drumsticks! How are you? I am very excited. Why?

Because today here at Adviceopolis we are introducing, for the first time ever, our patented CIAO program, four steps to making new friends, becoming more popular, and having more fun. It’s called CIAO because in Italian, “Ciao” means both “goodbye” and “hello.” Here it symbolizes saying ‘see ya’ to your old insecurities, and ‘hi hotstuff’ to the new, more confident you. Each of the four letters in CIAO represents a step on the road to More! Good! Times!

This post is a wee bit longer than some of our other posts so strap on your reading goggles. All strapped? Tray tables in their upright and locked positions? Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooooo!

So,

Last year i changed schools. i have made a few friends i love VERY much, but i feel so out of place with the other people in my year. i am taller and then most people and i’m a goth. the other thing is that i’ve never had a boyfriend, which seems, oddly, the thing that everyone seems to be doing, not kissing and holding hands etc. but more of a status symbol. i hope you can give me some advice on coping.

–A Little At Sea

Dear ALAS,

The boyfriend-as-status-symbol topic is something we’ll discuss in another post (but for those of you who keep emailing with questions like this: there is no one right time to start dating; the right time for YOU is when YOU feel ready.)

But for the rest: I’ve chosen your email to help us introduce the opening letter of the CIAO program.

The first step in getting comfortable with other people and making new friends is….

Talking to people. Kind of anti-climactic, I realize but not only is this the most obvious thing I am going to say, it is also one of the hardest. Which is why:

C is for CONTRACT.

In my old journal I found all these pages that just say in the middle

I, Michele Jaffe, promise I will talk to two guys at the party at Christy’s house this weekend

X________________________________

(sign and date here)

[DON’T FORGET TO SHAVE LEGS!]

Yes, I really made myself sign them. Even then I knew I was untrustworthy. But the weird thing is, I fulfilled them. (I still do it at parties, only now I only make the contract in my head. And I’ve upped it to five people. And there are cash prizes involved.) Maybe you are more self-actualized than I am and do not require the whole sign-and-date-and-notarize thing, but the principal still holds. Make a contract with yourself that you are going to meet new people.

Don’t worry, I’m not just going to leave you with “okay, go out and talk to people and you’ll be more popular/happier/whatever your heart desires.” I have a trick for you to try.

***

Dear Michele,

I really am a loner and I don’t talk much and I’m really sick of it and I want to start being more outgoing. how do I do that to?

–Lone Ranger

Dear Lone Ranger,

Never fear, help is here! Meet I:

I is for INTERVIEW.

Everyone loves to talk about themselves, but they aren’t always open to strangers. So do this: put together a questionnaire or poll that you can use to approach people, lots of people, at least one person from each clique, and talk to them. That might sound contrived, but its an supreme ice breaker. I mean, who wouldn’t respond to the question, ‘If you had a signature scent, what would it be called?’ This has the ace side benefit that if you’re sneaky, I mean, clever about it, there’s a good chance you can come up with something that you can use as a project for class credit.

(You could also consider running for school office. Then you also have an excuse to go up and introduce yourself to people, asking them what their concerns about the school are. Heated toilet seats in the bathroom? Great idea! Custom lip gloss mixer vending machine? Why didn’t I think of that! Plus you can bribe them with candies, and everyone likes someone who gives them candies. Trust me, I didn’t get elected Senior Class president on my speeches.)

But asking questions is only half the activity. The other half is A.

****

Michele,

I’m in 7th grade am not that cool lookin’. I used to be like 2nd tier cool and all of the boys I like never like me!!!

I really wanna be liked but don’t know what to do???

should I change??

or stay the same??

‘cause so far no one likes how I am now I don’t think.

–Lookin’

Dear Lookin’,

You are really good at asking questions, so the whole interview thing described above shouldn’t be a problem for you. all you have to do to use that questing skill to your best advantage is to use some A.

A is for ATTENTIVENESS.

The #1 guaranteed way to get people to like you is to show you’re really paying attention to them. So when you’re doing your poll and asking “What kind of dessert toping do you resemble most?” make it clear that you are really listening to and interested in their answer. That’s it. So. Easy. And yet, there are still two tricks I can give you!

First, embrace the creed that people are Cool until proven Uncool. People can tell if you’re judging them—you know this is true—so don’t. Even if the person you want to be talking to is the cute guy, and instead his lame friend keeps answering the questions, don’t waver. Assume Lame Friend has something massively interesting to say. Love him for the sake of the Cool One.

Second, give yourself a tiny pep talk before setting out for your interview and for the first few minutes of it. In your head repeat “I like you, you like me, this is going to be fun.” I learned this from a magician friend of mine. It helps reduce anxiety and helps you convey an air of confidence—not icky over-confidence but the scintillating confidence that starts inside but shines outside like a lite-brite game.

Which brings us to O. O is the one element in the CIAO program that more than any other will transform your reputation and get you noticed at school. O is the fastest way to change how people perceive you. O is…

What I will talk about in two days. Bwahahahaha! But leave your guesses about what it could be in the comments for a chance to win a signed ADVANCED copy of my new book MINDERS.

airkisses,

Dr. J

He kissed me and dissed me

Repeat after me: I am a princess I am a princess I am a princess.

Dear Michele,

So there’s this guy who has liked me for a while. I never really cared for him as a boyfriend, but in the past month I really started to like him. One day we were hanging out and he kissed me then asked me out. Of course I said yes. After, I told a few of my closest friends. Well at school two days later, somehow EVERYONE knew we had hooked up and it was pretty much the talk of the school. I should mention he is pretty popular and I’m pretty much not. Then when I got home and talked to him he broke up with me saying he just didn’t like me anymore and wanted to forget we ever dated and go back to being friends like before. He said there was no particular reason that he’s just “weird” when it comes to relationships. All of this makes absolutely no sense to me! I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him. What should I do?

–Burned by a Kiss

Dear Burned.

This is the part where we revive an ancient mantra and repeat it to ourselves. Ready?

WE DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO ARE MEAN TO US.

I know some of the words are kind of fancy, but I’m sure the message is clear.

So here’s the thing: either this guy is addicted to the chase and only wants the girl he can’t have, losing interest when she shows interest, which makes him a royal jerk. Or he’s just a royal jerk for no reason. But either way, he is no prince charming and the Expert Panel and I say that the best thing for you is to work hard to get over him. Treat yourself like a princess, and others will follow suit. He has not treated you nicely, and we here at Adviceopolis frown on that. You deserve better than that. Why?

BECAUSE WE DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO ARE MEAN TO US.

(Plus, chances are as soon as you seem to have moved on, he’ll be back begging for more.)

(Not that we are recommending this as a goal. Due to the NOT DATING PEOPLE WHO ARE MEAN TO US thing. We offer it merely as motivation.)

Phew, that was a LOT of advising. I have to go rest my caps lock fingers.

Tune in again soon when we introduce for the first time in America our patented CIAO Program–four steps to help you make more friends, become more popular, and have more fun at school.

But probably none of you are interested in *that*.

airkisses,

Dr. J

what does “just friends” mean?

I don’t talk that way FYI.

Dear Michele,

A little over two weeks ago, I started noticing this guy. I got really intrigued, so I ended up introducing myself to him. We got along really well, and this past weekend I told him that I wanted to be honest with him and that I liked him. He said that he has a hard time trusting people, but that he feels like he can trust me, and even though he’d like to say he would date me he’s worried that if something happened between us it would ruin our friendship, and he’d hate that. And I said that I was okay with that, and that he could trust me. Except…what does this mean? Does he like me, and I should just wait it out and be the friend he needs? Or should I just give it up, and be the friend he needs? Is there potential here???

Love,

- Fully Into Dis One

Dear FIDO,

Woof. Woofwoof grrr arf grr.

Why am I writing in dog language? Because clearly you are living in dog years. Unless I’m misreading, everything you describe in your letter happened in only two weeks. You broached the walled heart of a man who has trust issues in two weeks? And you want more?

Woof!

Which is to say: slow down, Fido! 2 weeks=14 days=nothing. But since you’ve been living in dog time, I suggest you ask yourself WWLD–What Would Lassie Do.

Here is what I came up with: Watch & Wait.

Lassie is loyal, and does not jump to conclusions. She would be his friend like you said you would. Plus even in the absence of something more, it sounds like what you have is a really fun companion who will make a great dance date, and Lassie loves to dance (they just never showed that part on the TV). It could be that he simply needs more time before he’s comfortable moving the relationship to the next level. I’d give him at least another three weeks (in human time) before feeling around the subject again.

But Lassie is also practical and aware that things aren’t always what they seem. So I suggest that while you’re W&Wing, you also be casually EYEing (Entertaining Your Eyeballs with) other romantic prospects, just in case his Trust Issues are of an insurmountable variety. By EYEing while you W&W, you give him space but don’t pin all your hopes and girlish dreams on him.

Go get him, lassie!

 

airkisses (the safest kind),

Dr. J

I’m moving in the middle of the school year. Gulp.

Hello pals! How awesome are you? I can tell you—very-slash-molto awesome. Have some advice!

Dr. J,

I’m going to be moving in a few weeks, and this makes a few problems for me.

1) I’m nervous about starting at a new school in the middle of the year… and I’m terrified about lunch, truthfully. What if no friendly person adopts me and I have nowhere to sit? eek!

2) the people that will be staying here when I leave:

a) my BestGuyFriend of five years who I’ve always liked and have gone out with: He’s been being a jerkface this year, and I wrote him a note telling him how he needs to shape up or I’m going to give up… and I think he is, shaping up that is.

b) DreamGuy- who I met forever and ever ago, and have been emailing back and forth with for over a year, but have only actually seen in person once. I reallyreally like him, and I think he *might* like me. I’m going to see him before I move, at a writing camp we both volunteer at, and I’m so stressed about it. I want to tell him how I feel (well, at least. I’ve wanted to kiss him for ever and ever, but I realize that that might not be the best greeting in the world), but I’m afraid it’ll backfire and I’ll end up landing on my butt. But I think it would be even worse to wonder for the rest of my life what if…

so, if you could help, that’d be great.

Thanks,

Trying to tie up loose ends

Dear Trying,

First, Lunch. Don’t worry, I know it can feel like a fishbowl with everyone watching you but one of three things will happen:

1. someone will say “come eat with us”

2. you’ll go up to someone you saw in a class or club and say “Hi, I’m new and I don’t know anyone, can I sit with you.”

3. you’ll join a club and after sitting by yourself reading a book for a few days you will have made friends to eat lunch with.

Generally the reason Lone Lunch feels frightening is because people think its embarrassing to not have friends, like wearing a sign that says “Ask Me About Being A Social Leper P.S. My Breath Smells.” I do not think this is true but even if you do, you have to admit that there’s nothing embarrassing about not having friends if you’re new in school. Right? Right! Which means announcing that fact when you walk up to people will remove the stigma. Plus it gives you something to talk about. (other things to talk about are how cute their pencil case is, how long they’ve known each other, what they think of some teacher, if there’s a good drama/dance/band/literary magazine program, what their favorite youtube is, etc.).

Second: JerkFace (aka BestGuyFriend)

He’s bummed your leaving and instead of dealing with it is treating you like poo so you can have a fight and not have to say goodbye. Nice work telling him to Shape or Ship. Keep it up. Friendships only work if you feel supported and cared for in them.

Finally: DreamGuy

Um, you like him and you only see him once a year which means both that you only get one shot at smoochies and also that if it goes horribly wrong you won’t have to face him afterwards. Which is a long way of saying: when you see him say “I’ve been wondering what it would be like to kiss you,” and take it from there.

Be bold, sassy and magnificent!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Talking to guys

Dr Jaffe,

Ohmigawwwd. Ok, so. There’s this really hawwwt guy who’s in my lunch. SuperHawtBoy is punk and ahhmazingly hot, but he’s shy. He’s always walking with and talking to a new emogirl every day and I’m sorta preppy now. SuperHawtBoy called me a PsychoBitch (in jest I hope) one day during lunch. Problem is, I don’t know how to talk to SuperHawtBoy, and his girls that he’s got all over him intimidate me so all I can do is stare at his ass and hair when he’s not looking. But it’d be nice to hold a conversation with him. What do I do?

Not PsychoBitch

Dear Not PsychoBitch,

Go up to him, smile and say, “ Why do you call me PsychoBitch? That’s a compliment right?” and take it from there.

^^^^^

Dear Dr. Jaffe,

I would greatly appreciate some advice concerning the conversation department. See, I’m a first year university student who finds it difficult to make new friends because I’m quite shy and I usually don’t know what to say to people. There’s a really good looking guy who sits beside me and I’ve tried thinking about something to say but all I can think of is, “Excuse me but do you know what the date is today?” Unfortunately it will be stupid if you ask something like that since we both have a class at 2:30 pm and he’ll wonder why it’s taken me until then to figure out the date. Can you give me some conversation starters? I desperately need something to “break the ice”!

Thanks for your help!

~Lost for Words

Dear Lost for Words,

Hmm, I wonder what could you—

ASK HIM A QUESTION ABOUT CLASS!!!

Something like “Did you do the reading-slash-problem set” or “what did you think of the reading-slash-problem set” or “Eek I’m so behind on the reading-slash-problem set.” Then you can move on to “Hi, I’m The Person Of Your Dreams [or use your real name].” Follow that up with “Where do you live” and then “What’s your major” or “Where are you from” or “What year are you” and ask relevant questions from there.

If you are having a hard time thinking of questions, make it a game: force yourself to start each question with the next letter of the alphabet. So you go from “A lot of people seem to live in that dorm. Do you know [insert name of friend]?” to “Besides this class, what are you taking?” to “Cowabunga are you really a computer major?”

Only, you know, good.

But I bet you won’t have to turn to that. If you pay attention to what he’s saying, you’ll find the conversation flowing like a babbling brook.

Happy chatting!

Dr. J

A guy I hardly know asked me to a dance what do I do who do I talk to I don’t even know how to dance ouch I think my head just exploded!

NOT a recommended approach for breaking the ice

dear michele,

please please please help me! ok so my guy friend who i do not like like at all (only as a friend), asked me to a dance. the friend part is great. the problem is i’m a freshman and he’s a sophomore. i only hang out with him in certain places, not purposely but it just happens, so he knows all my friends but i know NONE of his. also, i’ve never been asked to a dance before ( in middle school no one asked anyone to dances, we just showed up, and a homecoming all of the boys were idiots and still hadnt gotten over the fact that they had to actually ASK girls to the dance because they never had to do that before). also i’ve never danced with a guy so i dont know what to do about that. ARGGGGG I NEED HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!

all your help is appreciated!!!!!

thanks you!!!!

love,

Dancetastrophy?

dear Dancetastrophy,

DON’T WORRY!

I know, easy for me to say, but I have Sound Reasons.

Really.

Okay first of all, its your date’s job to make sure you have a good time. Of course, he’s a boy and like 15 so he might mess that up but he invited you because he thinks you’ll be fun, so you should go in assuming it will be fun.

But I’m not sending you into Dance Dance Partyland with only that. Its the beginning of the night that is the hardest, so to help you through that I offer you the three C’s of Getting A Party Started Right:

COMPLIMENT: When you’re in a big group of people you don’t know, the easiest way to strike up a conversation with other girls is to compliment them on something they’re wearing or doing. Its best if this is a real compliment so pick someone whose purse or shoes or dress or necklace or hair you like and say “Your dress is sooooooo cute! I love how it…” This should break the ice.

CONFESS: You can do this step either once the ice is broken, or right off the bat. If one of the other girls or guys seems especially friendly, like smiling at you, you can say “I’m so nervous. This is my first ring dance.” Being open like that will make you feel better and will make them be extra nice to you. For real it always works. You can do this with your date as well, to remind him that he should be making sure to introduce you to people.

COPY: The dance floor is a Tower Of Terror for so many people but it doesn’t have to be. There are only three cardinal rules to good dancing: 1. Do not step on anyone 2. Have fun 3. Watch someone who’s got sweet moves and copy them.

Honestly, its that simple. Yes, for sure, there are people who are excellent dancers, they’re the ones you notice, but 98% of people are just average. The only way to be a truly dancelexic dancer is to cause injury to someone else requiring a hospital visit. Between being someone who could show up in a video, and someone who requires a 911 call, there’s a lot of room to maneuver.

If you can’t just jump into dancing, start by letting your head sway from one side to the other, then your hips, then maybe moving your feet–then watch what the people around you are doing and try to copy them. And don’t worry about looking silly: not only will worrying make you tense which will make you more likely to trip and cause the person behind you to stumble over a chair and fall to the floor tripping that girl in the Lucite platform shoes so that she shoots headfirst across the dance floor and plummets into Mrs. Wagner, the librarian, who is pushed into the refreshment table with a loud ‘CRASH!’ and requires three stitches on her hand where the punch bowl broke under it. For, um, example.

So not only could worrying do THAT (and I didn’t even get into the part about setting the decorations on fire. BY ACCIDENT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!) but, like being cute and wearing Ugg boots, or eating a cupcake and being sad, worrying and having fun are Mutually Exclusive.

(Plus it is hard to smile when you are worried but you MUST smile because people are always taking pictures at dances and you don’t want to show up on someone’s Facebook page glowering. A dance is one night but Facebook is Forever. I’m just saying)

With these tips in your cute tiny purse, and a big non-worried smile on your face, you’ll be CCCavorting happily in zero seconds flat.

^^^^

Be dancetastic!

airkisses,

Dr. J

Write On!

Welcome back to Adviceopolis where harvest delicious and nutritious advice whenever we can.

Dear Dr. J,

I want to be a writer when I graduate from college but I’m a little scared. I mean, I’ve never written a book before. How do you do it? Do you just sit and have an idea come to you and write? Or do you research? Or play with your hair? What? Any tips would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Meg Cabot Jr.

Dear Meg Jr.,

I get asked Where Do Books Come From a lot, and I’ve finally hit on the perfect answer: So there’s a writer and there’s an idea. They meet and like each other. The writer puts the idea in her book and they push and pull and thrust and parry for awhile and nine exhausting months later a manuscript is born!

Le. Not.

In reality it’s a lot more complicated. And since I can’t really describe it, I’ve decided to SHOW and not TELL which is one of the things that writing teachers tell aspiring writers to make them want to strangle themselves.

I will warn you though, this is not for the faint of heart. What you are about to see is rare Live Action Footage of a Writer Writing in her Natural Habitat (dirty hair). It hasn’t been retouched or altered in any way. In fact, I made this whole photo essay at 3AM to give it that Cinema Verite feeling. If that means what I think it means. Which is “I haven’t slept in three days.”

And now Adviceopolis Productions would like to invite you to the world premier of Behind The Scenes With An Author (rated SH for Scary Hair). I’m not showing you this to frighten you out of wanting to be an author. But I will say that if you have safety goggles, you should probably put them on…now!

^^^^^

FRIGHTENING RIGHT?? What? You can’t hear me over the sounds of people running for terror? I totally warned you. But now you know The Truth.

You also know what I look like so if you see me staring through the window of a bakery at a cupcake longingly, remind me that I probably already ate two for breakfast and send me on my way. Really you’ll be doing me a service.

Be writetasticmaxistupdendous!

airkisses,

Dr. J