Ignore Tip #5

Are you ready to travel to Adviceopolis? Goggles, check? Seat belts, check? Helmet, check? Delicious snacks, check? LIFT OFF!

hey so,

i have this friend and she is really clingy to my best friend and i. we don’t really like her at all but she doesnt seem to be taking a hint. how can we ditch her without really ditching her?

–3’s a Crowd

Dear 3aC,

Wouldn’t it rule if there was a friend version of Static Guard? And you could spray it on people who are too clingy and get them to stop sticking? And making your hair stand up on end? And causing unsightly bulges in your group of friends?

Sadly there is not

Or is there?

The way to ditch Clingy without ditching is to do the Reverse Ditch. That means: you get her to ditch you. NOT by being so mean to her that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. That is bad karma and also just bad. Instead, by being nice. Super nice. Explicitly, by giving her a MAKEOVER.

Clingy is clinging to you even though you’ve dropped hints that you don’t want her because she feels insecure and doesn’t know anyone else. So you need to raise her social stock by making over her reputation or her appearance or both. Make Clingy feel more confident, and make other people want to be friends with her. Soon she’ll be too busy with her new friends to stick to you.

[Little Life Lesson: if you go to the Static Guard website and click on clothing/fashion tips, ignore Tip #5. You should never need that tip because you should never do what it describes. Ever. And no, I am not going to say what it is. Do not ask me again.]

***

Dear Michele,

Does wearing lip gloss gross boys out and make them not want to kiss you? I’ve always wondered….

Lip gloss chica

To the contrary, mon petite bonbon, lipgloss can be Come-Hither sauce for boys. Of course, some boys may not like it, but basically here is how it works in Boygebra (boy algebra):

Lipgloss=lips

Lips=kissing

Kissing=good! Fun! More please!

But don’t wear lipgloss because boys like it. Boys also like hitting each other on the butt with dirty gym socks. Wear lipgloss because you enjoy it’s sparkly and sometimes delicious goodness for yourself.

[No, I am still not telling what tip #5 is. Really, its for your own good. I’m protecting you. I am still trembling from reading it.]

That’s all the advice niblets for today. Be delightful!

Airkisses,

Dr. J

[okay fine I’ll give you a hint: it involves the phrases “wear sandals” and “with socks” next to each other. There. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? NEVER. WEAR. THOSE. THINGS. TOGETHER. EVER. Please]