Lisa Daily's Blog, page 23

The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity

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Everyone has their own concept of what monogamy” meansand most people assume their partners and spouses are on the same page. Couples may assume that they are monogamous, but never discuss exactly what the monogamy agreement means to them. What happens when this implicit agreement is broken? After infidelity, relationships can become strained as both partners lose trust and faith in each other. The New Monogamy offers a way out of these difficulties for couples struggling to stay together after infidelity. Couples make these implicit assumptions and agreements explicit so that each partner knows exactly what is expected of them in the future and what they can expect from their partner.

Author Tammy Nelson helps couples regain trust, romance, and intimacy after infidelity by redefining the monogamy contract. The new monogamy contract is an explicit relationship agreement created after the affair that allows each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations. This agreement does not create an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship. The book first helps couples rebuild trust after the affair, then engages in a series of Imago dialogues based on questions about what each partner really wants in the relationship, not what you think you should want or what a partner wants you to want. The New Monogamy includes questionnaires, checklists, and candid questions for partners to ask that help welcome complete honesty and trust back into the relationship. Then, the book helps couples make an erotic recovery from infidelity by addressing erotic problems that may surface and offers advice for helping couples return to desiring and trusting one another. After an affair, it’s impossible to go back to the way the relationship was before, but this book offers the chance for a new beginning.

How Many Americans have had an Affair at Work?

How Many Americans have had an Affair at Work? by Lisa Daily

47% of people who took a recent Salary.com survey confesses to engaging in an office romance at some time in their careers. (And just so you know, you’re only fooling yourself if you think that your workplace romance is actually secret.) About half (44%) of workers said they were aware of an affair happening in their own office right now.

One more interesting factoid from this survey: 6% of married men and women are trolling the board room and the coffee room, actively hoping to hook up with a coworker. Which seems low, because about 70% of affairs happen at work. (If you suspect your husband or partner of infidelity, the first place you should check out is his office.)

Finally, 4% of the survey respondents said they had either been compelled to resign or were flat-out fired specifically because of an office affair gone bad.

That’s right, screwing at the office could end up seriously screwing your career.

If you’re worried about what your husband or boyfriend might be doing at work, this could help: Is He Cheating?

xo,

 

(c) Copyright 2001-2013 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved. Catch my act on Google

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Porsha Stewart Divorce: Surprise! Your Husband is an Ass.

According to a slew of gossip sites, Real Housewife Porsha Williams Stewart found out that her husband had filed for divorce on the Internet.

Her soon-to-be ex-husband, former NFL football player Kordell Stewart filed on March 22. The Internet got wind of it four days later, March 26. Which is how Porsha reportedly learned that her husband had decided to leave her.

I am not a Housewives fan, so I have not had a front row seat to the steady decomposition of their relationship, which was surely hastened by the fermenting glare of the spotlight.

I am, however, a love and relationships expert. And when I look at this story three things jump out at me:

First, a surprise attack divorce smacks of serious control issues and a desire to inflict the greatest amount of humiliation and pain on the recipient. Not cool.

Second, men rarely (very rarely, almost never) leave a marriage unless they have someplace else to go. If I were Porsha or her divorce attorney, I’d be combing through the financial records right this minute looking for infidelity. Especially since football players are more likely to cheat than the general population. Repeated slams to the head can damage the front lobe of the brain and cause nasty problems with things like impulse control. (Which can lead to behaviors like cheating, and you know, filing for divorce on a whim.)

And third, I’d hire this guy. John Mayoue, who is best known for repping Jane Fonda, Chris Rock, David Justice and Marianne Gingrich, is one of the top divorce attorneys in the country, and he just happens to have a lovely office in Atlanta. Porsha, if you’re reading this, call him.

Then, kick the camera crew out for the next few weeks and get your closest (non-Housewife) girlfriends and family around you for support. Hold your head up, and you will make it through.

xo,

Do You Smash Cake on The Screen for an Internet Wedding?

A couple of weeks ago on the Daytime show I talked about the growing popularity of online weddings, otherwise known as “proxy marriages.”

Married on the Internet:

Skype isn’t just for job interviews, connecting with friends, or chatting with grandma anymore. According to the New York Times, officials are seeing an explosion in Internet marriages — where one partner is in one country, another partner in another country, and they get hitched with the help of a judge or minister and a high-speed connection.

Are Internet marriages even legal?

These marriages are called proxy marriages, where another person stands in for the bride or groom, acting as their “proxy”. Only a handful of US states permit proxy marriages, and most require that one partner is in the military. Texas, Colorado and California all allow what is termed a “proxy marriage” where one partner is absent and a “proxy” stands in for them. Montana allows “double proxy” marriages, where neither party must be present, such as in the case of an American couple who wants to be married in a remote or foreign country where local laws would make it impossible or cost-prohibitive to do so. It’s too bad they’re not so keen on same sex marriage (yet), the state could make a fortune in easy-peasy tax revenues by allowing gay couples from all over the country (or the world for that matter) marry by proxy in Montana in the comfort of their own states, churches, or homes.

Many Islamic countries do allow proxy marriages, and El Salvador has flexible laws allowing it. The practice of proxy marriage is not new to the Internet Age, in fact Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette were married by proxy in her native country of Austria before the two ever met. She was a princess after all, and there was no way the Queen was going to let her go off and tramp it up in France.

Why would a couple get married on the Internet instead of the usual way?

To solve immigration issues more quickly, to marry someone from home country and save money versus cost of matchmaking trip, to escape poverty or persecution, or to circumvent local laws — such as those preventing a person from marrying another of a different religion, also to get married when you are unable to travel to another country for some reason.

What are the benefits of an online marriage?

It’s becoming more popular with Skype & Google Hangouts, and there’s been a 12-15% increase per year, according to ProxyMarriageNow.com a site that arranges proxy marriages in a variety of states.

One benefit is that military members can marry even if they are stationed overseas — which can be especially important if they’ve been wounded and feel compelled to get all their affairs in order right away.

What’s the downside?

Many online brides and grooms have only communicated online, so there are chemistry and expectation issues when they get together. Which can be problematic, as people tend to lie like politicians when dating online.

Because sometimes proxy weddings are used to circumvent immigration laws — these types of marriages are a red flag for Homeland Security. That said, proxy marriages have been used for many years before the Internet came along for all types of nefarious purposes, like arranged marriages and human trafficking. In some countries the women have not even consented to being married. (As in, surprise, you’re married to a complete stranger because one of your relatives sold you for $7.)

For more on online relationships, check out my new(ish) book, IS HE CHEATING??

xo,

Liar, Liar, Your Profile’s on Fire

Liar, Liar, Profile’s on Fire by Lisa Daily

Almost everybody lies.

We tell Aunt Edna that we’d love to come to her nursing home’s 4-hour musical production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas on Thursday night, but our boss is making us work late. We call ourselves “athletic”, when the only sports we actively participate in occur via television broadcast, riding a Barcalounger while balancing a plate of jalapeno nachos. And, sometimes we prune just enough birthdays off our age to bump us down to the next lowest age bracket.

A recent study on Internet dating found that online daters claimed to be richer, better educated, taller, thinner and more likely to have blonde hair than the rest of the population. Uh huh.

Dr. Marianne Dainton, a Communication professor at La Salle University says, “up to 62% of statements made in conversation could be classified as deceptive. Do the math: that means that only 38% of statements in our everyday conversations are purely truthful.”

Gregory Hartley, former military interrogator and co-author of the

I-couldn’t-put-it-down book called How To Spot A Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth… and How You Can Catch Them (Career Press, 2006) says, “We live in a society that values wealth and beauty. Most people are not willing to just be an average person. When we meet in person we have our looks, our fashion sense, our sense of humor, and even body chemistry working for us. When we walk into a room, potential partners quickly assess our value within minutes (if not seconds.) Most of us have learned how to manage the trappings of that game. Now, in a virtual dating environment where everyone is beautiful, wealthy, educated, and athletic, who would not want to exaggerate to stand out in the crowd?”

Hartley says, “ We are working in an area that is new to most people. The world’s oldest game on the world’s newest field. We are constantly striving to improve our technique. The Internet dating scene is about filtering among the vast numbers for an opportunity – If I stand out I get first chance. It is about evolution. It is as primitive as we get meets modern as we get.”

But what’s the harm of a few white lies in a new online dating relationship? Who does it really hurt to add a few inches or subtract a few pounds? Or marriages? Or felonies?

Hartley says, “This depends on the lie; sure we all omit facts about our past. I am no advocate of radical truth. Do you really want someone to come out and tell you how many people they have slept with? Or tell you which how badly you suck at your favorite hobby?”

There are basically two types of lies: Lies by omission (allowing someone to believe something that isn’t true) and lies of commission (telling someone a lie.)

Both experts agree that lying by commission (telling an outright lie) is considered worse. Hartley warns, “In my mind, a lie at the beginning of a relationship is asking for trouble later. No lie can stand alone. Your life is like a photo album. Lies (typically not well thought out,) are more like a snapshot, and lack detail to relate to the rest of the album. To sustain a lie you must tell other lies. Before you know it, deception is rampant.”

Which means those harmless little white lies are more harmful than we thought. Can pretending to be something you’re not quite be keeping you from finding a real relationship? If you are one of two people offering up their fake selves, how can you possibly meet your true soulmate?

You can’t. Instead of connecting with someone who appreciates you as a total hottie/ Love Boat trivia savant/gourmet popcorn aficionado, you doom yourself to disappointing all the people you meet. As great as you are, you’re not what they expected. And the reason is because you led them to expect something else.

Hartley says, “People are composed of many roles. All of these roles contribute to the whole person. It is very easy to become enamored of a role that you observe. Some of these roles come from the entertainment industry, others from co-workers, friends and family. The problem is that even the role you are so eager to recreate is only one aspect of the person you are envious of.”

But why do we lie in the first place? Fear. Fear we’re not good enough. Fear we’ll be found out. Fear we won’t be loved for who we are. Fear we’ll be left. Which is why we have to ask ourselves, do we really want to be with someone who wouldn’t love us if we were 15 pounds heavier with brown hair?

Hartley sums it up,” You bait the trap and catch your quarry only to discover you have no place to accommodate the beast.”

So the next time you’re wavering about whether you should pad the ‘ol profile, just remember you’re not making yourself more likely to find the date of your dreams, but less.

And that’s no lie.

xo,

Infidelity: A Survival Guide

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Don-David Lusterman, a psychologist practicing in Baldwin, New York, believes that couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples–Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed. Whether or not a troubled couple chooses to stay together, Lusterman says the best outcome is when both partners experience changes and new insights into their lives. He provides several case studies in which couples began to regain their trust through new communication, and instructs on the kind of feelings-expressing language that can help. (He also provides a section on finding a good therapist.) This book will help people on either side of an affair begin to understand what's going on, and help them find the resources they need to continue that quest. –Ben Kallen

Breaking Up? There’s an App for that.

Break-up Apps: Breaking up has always been brutal, but with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pintrest, it’s practically impossible to get your ex completely out of your life, off your mind, and off your timeline — thanks to real-time, streaming updates via a tangle of shared friends and interwoven networks. Luckily, there’s an app for that. Below, you find some of the newest tools to help solve one of humans’ oldest problems.

Why are these breakup apps really necessary?

In the digital age, you can’t just throw your ex’s ratty t-shirts and CDs in a box and be done with him. Now, we’re not just connected to our friends and significant others, but their friends and sometimes exes as well. One thing that’s great about these types of tools is that they prevent you from having to unfriend or unfollow half the people you know. Because breaking up already sucks enough.

Killswitch?

This handy little app scrubs all traces of your ex from your social media accounts, without you needing to “unfriend” mutual pals.

EX Lover Blocker

If you try to call your ex, this App will text your best friends so they can intervene to save you from yourself and prevent you from making a sure-to-be awkward mistake.



DrunkDial and DrunkBlock

DrunkDial actually makes you pass a “sobriety” test before it allows you to make a call (timed math problems). A great idea unless you happen to be pretty good at math.

DrunkBlock hides certain phone numbers from you (i.e., your ex) for up to 24 hours.

Know of another handy break-up app? Be sure to let me know in the comments section.

xo,

Catch Husband Cheating!

…catch husband cheating… by Lisa Daily

There’s nothing worse than last night’s panicky, middle of the night Google search history when you’re in full-on hyperventilation, totally freaking out over the possibility that the person who is supposed to love you might actually be stabbing you in the back.



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dear google gods, is he cheating on me?

We’ve all been there, where you are right now. And I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re probably right.

In fact, 85% of women who suspect their partner is cheating are right

Women are usually very in tune with what’s happening in their relationships. There’s a reason the alarm bells are going off in your head, and you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something bad is happening.

The biggest sign is a change in sexual behavior — either no sex or different sex. This usually happens when he’s learning it somewhere else, or getting it somewhere else.

A pre-paid mobile phone.

No bill, no evidence.

He changes his appearance. Maybe your guy starts working out after seven years of relaxed bliss on the couch. Maybe he has a sudden interest in Brooks Brothers when nacho cheese-covered Chinos have always been just fine. From a new health club membership to a new cologne, big appearance changes can mean big trouble.

His feet are pointed away from you when you’re together. Even when we fake our emotions, our body language leaks them out. When you’re in love, your bodies will line up, heart to heart, toes to toes. If lately his toes are always pointing at someone else, out the door, or just as far away from you as possible, you have reason to worry.

Want more? Here are 7 Bizarre Signs of Cheating.

I’ve actually compiled a list of more than 40 warning signs to uncover affairs and infidelity that will help you to catch your husband cheating, including where to look for evidence (this one is so simple it will shock you, and yet it’s the one place where he’ll be sloppy in hiding the evidence you need), and the worst possible way to stage a confrontation — in my new book Is He Cheating? Crack the cheat code and find out right now if he is cheating or not, why he cheats, and what you need to do next.

Or you can buy Is He Cheating? now, and find out the truth by tonight.

Hang in there sweetie, I’ll help you get through this.

xo,

50+ Signs That He Is Cheating: Specific Clues That Point To An Affair

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By popular demand, infidelity expert S.L. Carter makes Chapter 3 of her book "Is He Cheating On Me: How to Know, How to Stop It, And What To Do If You Can't" available as a seperate article.

Lots of books promise "signs" that your husband is cheating- usually offering a number that is inflated by rephrasing the same common-sense advice (changes in appearance? Less interest in sex?) over and over again.



Drawing from her experience as a Family Law Attorney, as well as the fact that she was a victim of an affair herself, S.L. Carter offers more than 50 unique, specific, red-flags that no woman can afford to ignore. Where it isn't obvious, she explains why the information is suspicious.

This article will tell you:

Why you should worry if he starts talking about a transfer at work;

What you can learn from the names of your husband's new "friends";

Websites in his internet history that ALWAYS signal trouble!

And so much more!

THIS ARTICLE IS DRAWN FROM CHAPTER 3 OF "IS HE CHEATING ON ME: HOW TO KNOW, HOW TO STOP IT, AND WHAT TO DO IF YOU CAN'T" by S.L.Carter. There is no additional content that is not included in the book.

The 100 Best Marriage Equality Blogs

Fellow dating & relationship advice guru Joseph Atkins is the webmaster and editor of the Gay Dating Blog, a fantastic resource for anybody in the LGBT community who is looking for love and/or sick to death of me rambling on about Prince Charming.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably already know that the Supreme Court is hearing arguments this week on equal marriage rights, Prop 8, and whether it’s okay to go ahead and keep discriminating against a huge chunk of our population. (Spoiler: uh, no.)

To celebrate, the Gay Dating Blog decided to compile a list of their very favorite 100 marriage equality blogs.

Love is love is love. Keep your fingers crossed the Supreme Court sees it that way too.

xo,