Lisa Daily's Blog, page 31

Paula Broadwell, reported to be having an affair with General Petraeus, does a double take on the Daily Show when Jon Stewart asks her about “integrity”

News broke this week that Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell and General Petraeus had an affair while both were married.  (Petraeus for 37 years). Watch Broadwell’s face when Jon Stewart makes a comment about integrity — fascinating.

There is also some speculation that Broadwell’s husband had written an anonymous letter to the New York Times, asking for advice on what to do about whether or not he should go public with his wife’s affair.

The infidelity was apparently exposed during an FBI investigation, and the big question around whether or not Broadwell had access to Gen. Petraeus’ private (not government) email account.

Did the General’s wife of 37 years know he was cheating as well?  No word yet on whether Holly Petraeus had any suspicions, but she’s smart to lie low for the time being, whether she knew or not.  Her feelings on the betrayal by her husband of 37 years are going to be complicated enough, without adding to the media circus.

It’s not a surprise that Broadwell and Petraeus met through work, it’s where most affairs start.

My thoughts are with the Holly and Scott and their families.

 

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Why Every Woman Needs to Vote: Scarlett Johansson, Eva Longoria & Kerry Washington Speak Out

Scarlett Johansson, Eva Longoria and Kerry Washington star in a new ad for MoveOn.org, directed by Rob Reiner, one of my favorite directors ever. The ad highlights the differences between the republican and democratic parties when it comes to women and our reproductive rights.

We’re talking about our bodies ladies. We need to stand together and speak up. Our votes, your vote, will make the difference.

xo,

How to Catch Husband Cheating: Is He Cheating? Let’s Find Out.

Dear Lisa,

I’m freaking out of my mind.  I keep catching my husband in stupid lies that don’t make any sense, and I’m beginning to think he might be having an affair.  He’s been sleeping with his cell phone under his pillow, and he’s getting A LOT more texts than usual.  He tells me it’s work related, but I’m not a moron.  How many work texts can really be buzzing around at 2 am?  We have three kids under 6, and I’m a stay at home mom.  I love my husband, and I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to him and to raising our family.  It will kill me if he’s been with someone else. I don’t know what to do.

What do you think, is my husband cheating?  Please help.

Need Help With How to Catch Husband Cheating

Dear How to Catch Husband Cheating,

You’re right to be suspicious, the weird 2 am texts and the fact that he’s suddenly lying to you are both big red flags that your husband might be having an affair.  But let’s not panic yet — and whatever you do, don’t confront him right now.  If you confront him on infidelity or affairs before you get all your ducks in a row, things can go horribly, horribly wrong — namely:

1) He’ll just get better at hiding his affair, and you’ll be tortured by the fact that you may never know the truth about whether or not he is cheating

2) He’ll use the confrontation as an excuse to either get out of the house and go call or see his mistress, or impulsively break off the relationship before you’ve had a chance to figure out what you want to do next. If were just the two of you, you’d probably say good riddance, but with little kids involved, what to do about affairs and infidelity becomes a hell of a lot more complicated.

No doubt, NOT confronting him with your biggest fears (that he’s screwing around, addicted to porn, or doing something else he shouldn’t be doing) is absolutely one of the toughest things you’ll have to do when you’re in this situation.  After all, you’re probably not sleeping, you can’t stop thinking about whether or not he is cheating night and day, you’re starting to wonder if ANYTHING that he says (or EVER said) is even true.

It’s brutal.

The only way you’re going to know for sure is to do a little more investigation, and try to put all the puzzle pieces together. And maybe you’ll find out that what you’ve been worrying about isn’t really happening. Or that it was some big misunderstanding. The reality, unfortunately, is that you’re probably having these feelings for a reason.

85% of women who suspect their husband of cheating are RIGHT

The good news is that men are utterly and completely predictable when they cheat. Which makes husbands cheating on their wives fairly easy to catch.

Here’s what you need to do:

1) Start keeping a cheating journal. Write down anything that feels suspicious (even if you don’t know why) including lies you catch him in, strange numbers that appear on his phone, and any women who are suddenly making you feel uncomfortable.

2) Channel Stephanie Plum and start investigating. (Two places in particular you’d never think of just happen to be the two places where cheaters are the laziest and often forget to cover their tracks: The bathroom and the car.) In Is He Cheating, I tell you exactly where to look in these evidence goldmines. You won’t believe you’re married to such an idiot. (And he must be, if he’s messing around on you.)

3) Lojack the bastard Your life, and your children’s family and security is at stake. Which means you need answers and you need them right now. Sometimes you have to break out the spy gear to catch a cheater.

4) Don’t let him weasel out of it. That means you need to know exactly what you want before you have the talk. Are you going to drag his butt to therapy? Throw his Xbox and his stupid polo shirts out on the lawn? Make him sleep in the garage for the next decade? Do you want an apology, answers, or details? Or maybe all three?

Hope that helps for now. The truth is that your brain is going to be going round and round of that hamster wheel from hell until you know exactly what’s going on.

Get the cheating book, let me know if it helps. Is he cheating on you? There’s one way to find out for sure.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

xo,

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If your actual love life has you depressed, a little escapism might be just what you need.  Lucky for you, if you’re looking for a fun romantic comedy, I have a fantastic giveaway for you from one of my all-time favorite writers, Eileen Cook.

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Is His Work Wife (or Office Spouse) a Threat? (Is He Cheating?)

Should you freak out about your husband’s “office spouse?”  She knows your hubby’s birthday, his favorite lunch order, and shares his inside jokes — she’s his “work wife” or the more gender-friendly, “office spouse” — a term that describes the relationship between men and women who have grown emotionally close while working in close proximity.  And while the term office spouse is meant to describe platonic relationships, the closeness of the relationships formed at work has a lot of real spouses worried.

This week on Daytime, I’m talking about the office spouse, and what you should do if your husband has one.

How long has the Office Spouse phenomenon been going on?

Certainly these types of close relationships between coworkers started as soon as women started appearing in the office. That said, the phenomenon really took off right about the time that the number of women in the workforce was closer to equal to the number of men.  A recent study found that currently about one-third of employees report having an office spouse.

Should real-life spouses be threatened by the work wife?

Absolutely, yes.  The “work wife”  is the absolute biggest threat to your relationship.  While researching Is He Cheating?  I found that 70% of affairs start at the office.  Your husband’s (or wife’s) office spouse is the most likely candidate.  Even if the relationship doesn’t become physical, there’s always a strong possibility of an emotional affair.  (Emotional affairs have three characteristics:  emotional closeness, sexual chemistry/attraction, and secrecy.  You have all three, and you have a problem.)  If you suspect your wife or husband is cheating, the office is the first place you should check out.

What can you do to keep your spouse from crossing the line?

Secrecy is the biggest danger when it comes to the office spouse and your husband.  Make sure he understands the pitfalls of these types of relationships, that he protects your relationship by creating strong work-home boundaries, and that above all, he is honest with you about their relationship, what they do together, and what they talk about.

If you’re the employee, what rules should you follow if you find yourself with an office spouse?

First, don’t share personal details of your life with your office spouse.  Inside jokes about your boss?  Fine.  Inside jokes about your wife?  Not fine.  Keep the relationship professional.

Second, don’t say nasty things about your wife or husband, even if you just had the worst argument EVER on the way into work, and don’t share details about your sex life, your sex drive, your penis, your marital problems, or how much you argue with your wife, or how she just doesn’t get you/your job/your sex drive.  This kind of intimacy not only opens the door to an affair with your co-worker, but it betrays the trust of your spouse and the sanctity of your relationship. If you wouldn’t say it in front of your spouse, you sure shouldn’t say it behind her back.

Third, lay off the booze when you’re with your office spouse.  Even one drink can lower your inhibitions (or hers)  and take you from friendly coworkers to intimate talks to making out in the bar of the hotel lobby. Which brings us to another no-no.  You definitely want to avoid spending time alone outside the office with your office spouse.  Dinners for two on a business trip?  Dangerous plan.  A quick drink or two after work?  To your wife, this feels like a date. (And it should, because that’s exactly what it is.) Taking up cycling or pottery or whatever with your Office Spouse after hours

Fourth, your best strategy to maintain boundaries and make sure everybody is on the same page, is to introduce your real wife to your work wife.

Finally, if your real wife is feeling uncomfortable with your relationship with your office spouse, pull it back, way back.  Keep it professional, cool it off, diversify and find some new friends at the office.

xo,

 

Custody and divorce advice from an elementary school teacher

There’s a nice post over on the Huffington Post written by an elementary school teacher about her experiences watching her second, third, and fourth grade students as they struggled through their parents’ divorces, animosity, and 50-50 custody arrangements (which seem like a super fair idea, but end up being more about what is good for the parents than is good for the kids –  and are incredibly stressful and torturous on them as well.)

It’s a helpful perspective, and something you might want to consider if you find yourself headed for divorce court. (Here’s hoping you’re not.)  You can read it here on the Huffington Post.

xo,

Lisa Daily on the Seduce Smart Radio Show

I taped an interview this week with the fabulous Jennifer Victory on her Seduce Smart radio show.  She’s a fun host, and really knows her stuff.  She asked a ton of questions about the success of Stop Getting Dumped!, some of the weirder signs of cheating in Is He Cheating, and we talked about my new book coming out November 1 (woo hoo!) called The Get-Married Guarantee.  Yes, you did read that right.

The interview aired on Friday at 9 am PST/12 noon EST, but is archived here, thanks to the magic of the internet, just in case you’re dying to hear an hour’s worth of my thoughts on all things dating.

Our interview was pretty interesting, on the Stop Getting Dumped! front we covered a number of the mistakes that women make that actually send men running in the other direction, the things we do that practically guarantee a guy will never propose, and how to be the kind of woman that guys find irresistible.  (Who doesn’t want that?)

Then, we moved on to Is He Cheating and the insanely predictable things that men (and women) do when they cheat; some of the big red flag warning signs that make your guy more likely to have an affair (or just screw around); and some of the very best places to look for evidence of cheating.

I’d love to know what you think!

xo,

 

 

 

43% of college women report being victims of dating violence

CONGRESS PASSED A STRIPPED DOWN VERSION OF THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN ACT LAST WEEK, rolling back many provisions that protected immigrant women and college students.  Domestic abuse is on the rise, yet women may have fewer protection than ever.  This week on Daytime, I’m talking about what women can do to protect themselves, and what to do if you or someone you know if the victim of domestic or dating violence.

How many women are affected by domestic abuse, and who is most vulnerable?

College students and immigrant women are most likely to be victimized and they have the fewest resources to protect themselves.  43% of college women reported being victims of dating violence.

What should you do if you are a victim of domestic abuse?

a) Call the police 

Even if you’re not sure you want to press charges, even if you don’t think he’ll hit you or hurt you again, call the police.   You never know, and it’s better to be safe than bruised and broken in the ER.

b) Tell the police you’ll cooperate, even if you’re not sure.

It’s not up to you to press charges, it’s up to the state.  Your job is only to be honest with the police about what happened, and help them do their jobs.  It’s not you putting him in jail, or risking his job, school, or status.  It’s his own actions. It’s not your job to protect him from himself, especially when he doesn’t return the favor.

c) File a restraining order immediately, even if you’re not sure what to do next

The restraining order is only temporary (unless the judge decides to make it permanent) but it will give you a chance to catch your breath, get yourself to a safe place, and figure out what you need to do next.

d) Contact your local women’s shelter right away.

You’ll want to make an appointment with a counselor and a legal aid for advice on what to do next.  Even if you don’t have any plans to go to the shelter, call and make an appointment to talk it out with someone who understands what you’re going through.  The worst thing you can do is try to deal with this on your own, talk to someone and get a little outside perspective.

e) Contact the Victim’s Advocate at your police station

This person is usually kind and smart, and she (or he) can help you navigate the system, and explain all your options.

f) Go to the doctor so that your injuries can be documented, take photographs of all injuries as well as any damage to property

Tell the doctor or nurse exactly what happened, and ask them to document everything.  Once evidence is gone, it’s gone forever.  Document everything now, even if you never use it. Trust us.

Why is what you do in the first 12 hours so critical?

What you do first really matters.  Call the police and the shelter, talk to the advocate.  If you take him back after he hits you or throws you against the wall, you’re just teaching him that he can hit you with no real consequences.  Trust me, no one’s behavior ever improved with this knowledge.  It’s going to get worse every time, and it will be harder and harder for you to leave or get help.  Don’t suffer through this alone.

Where can women go for more information?

There are two really fantastic sites that have advice and resources specifically for college students, including warning signs, videos, legal help, and advice on what to do next.

http://www.breakthecycle.org/

www.loveisrespect.org

You deserve better.

xx,

Lisa

 

Women Only Want to Date Rich Guys. Plus 6 Other Myths.

Turns out everything we think we know about dating is wrong. Or at least, it’s not entirely right.

Here’s how this all started: Every week I get several dozen emails from both guys and women asking for advice for dating but lately, I’ve started to feel like I’m living that movie Groundhog Day.

You know the movie where Bill Murray has to live out the same day over and over and over again? Every week, I keep getting the same complaints from both men and women about the opposite sex (men don’t want commitment, women are only looking to date men with money, you know the drill.)

What keeps this from being just another whine-fest is that these very same ladies and gentlemen tell me earnestly that these stereotypes do not apply to them. These guys may think that the ladies are only in it for the cold hard cash, but they swear up and down that they’re just looking for a nice woman they can spend all of eternity with.

The girls tell me that all guys want is bedroom action but they swear they’re just looking for Mr. Wonderful, whether he’s a teacher, an insurance adjuster, or the guy who rides on the back of the trash truck. The most common complaint hurled at men? Shallow.

So, I plowed through the mountain of emails cluttering up my desktop and set out to prove or disprove the top seven relationship stereotypes. And, in an effort to be fair and not just take the women’s side, I asked my pal and fellow love guru Michael Alvear,  author of The Flirty Text Message Helper to weigh in as well.

So here it is, dahlings:  Our seven biggest dating myths. Busted.  (Mostly.)

Myth # 1: Men only want to date beautiful women

Okay, it helps. Men are visual, and we are all, genetically programmed to seek out the healthiest, genetically sound, and most fertile mate we can snag for our own. But for lots of guys, beauty, at least in the supermodel-y way we ladies tend to fret over, is not the be all end all for guys.

Thom, dater who hails from Toronto says, “It’s important for me to be attracted to the women I date, for certain. But I’ve dated and been attracted to a number of women who have some great feature that drove me crazy, like amazing lips or fantastic legs, who might not be considered beautiful in the traditional sense. The whole, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ thing is true, at least for me. I tend to go for women who are smart, with a really bizarre sense of humor.”

Micheal Alvear’s take: “Yes. It’s not that we don’t want the rest of the goodies — personality, kindness, humor, etc.  It’s that we want all those gifts wrapped in a beautiful box!”

Myth # 2: Women only want to date the rich men

Sure, a big fat bank account is appealing for many women, but lots just want to date someone who is  practical, responsible, and a decent human being. And sometimes, taking a look at how a guy handles his finances is one way to determine how he’s managing the rest of his life.

Patrice, a dater from the D.C. area says the whole money myth is just that, a myth. “That is a lie perpetuated by unsuccessful men (financially or in dating.) There are plenty of wealthy women who go after broke/less financially stable men in the name of love. Look at Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon or J Lo and her backup dancer. It is true though that many women seek some financial stability when they start to look for a potential spouse, but not all women. And finances are usually not the only factor.”

This brings to mind a quote from my favorite Marilyn Monroe movie, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes:

“Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?”

Michael Alvear says: “This myth is busted. Women want to date men who have a car but don’t live in it.”

Myth # 3: Men want sex, not commitment

Yes, men want sex. But many of them also harbor the same desires we tend to attribute to women — commitment, love, a family. When we assume that guys are only dating for sex, we do them a terrible disservice. Plus, the them versus us mentality isn’t doing us any big favors either.

Unfortunately, this is the thing we ladies tell ourselves when the relationship we’d hoped for doesn’t get any traction. (Guys, before you start working yourself into a lather of righteous indignation, remember you do the very same thing with the whole “all women are gold diggers” mantra.)

It takes two to tie the knot, and while the males of the species may have executed the greatest marketing campaign in world history by convincing all the women that they’re doing us a great big favor by walking down the aisle, many men actually do (gasp!) want to be in a committed and happy relationship. (Although sex will do in a pinch if that’s not available.)

Michael Alvear’s take: “Men like to think about relationships like a bacon and eggs breakfast:  The chicken was involved; the pig was committed. We’d rather be the chicken.”

Myth # 4:  The nice guy never gets the girl

Most mentally-stable women actually do want to date a nice guy. The trouble happens not when a man is “too nice” but when he is not masculine enough. Think weenie or doormat.

You can be the nicest guy in the world and still be a guy. That’s what we ladies are looking for.   Don’t let us walk all over you. Don’t “yes dear” us until we’re practically catatonic. And don’t be afraid to take your testosterone out for a spin every once in a while.

Michael Alvear’s take: “Bull. Nice guys EVENTUALLY get the girl.”

Myth # 5: The longer you’ve been dating, the more likely the chances you’ll get married

This ends up being an issue for women a lot more than men. Women believe that the more time they have invested in a relationship, the higher the chances are that said relationship will eventually result in a trip down the aisle. However, in interviewing several hundred men in the research stage for my book Stop Getting Dumped! , I discovered that men know within the first one to two years whether or not they want to marry a woman, and if they don’t feel it by then, the chances are pretty high that they never will.

In other words, after a couple of years, he knows enough about you to make the decision. So why do guys stay in a relationship for years (and years and years) when they’ve already decided that they don’t want to marry you? Because they’re comfortable, and maybe even happy in the relationship, and nothing better has come along to push them out of it.  Like baby birds in the next.  As long as the Momma bird keeps delivering worms to their bedside, there’s really no reason to leave.

As one anonymous dater put it, “My girlfriend and I dated for six years, and the whole time she put the pressure on for a ring. We ended up breaking up and I met my fiancée a few months later. The difference was I knew right away that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with.”

Michael Alvear’s take:  ”Once you’ve passed the three-to-five-year phase, the chances slope down like a bent-necked pack mule.”

Lisa Daily’s take:  Three years, tops.

Myth # 6: Men are intimidated by powerful women

An study of online daters quoted in the best selling book Freakonomics found that once a woman hit $100,000 in income, her appeal as an online dating candidate went down dramatically.

The truth is that only insecure men are intimidated by powerful women. Secure men are not. So instead of thinking of your kick-butt-in-the-boardroom ways as a liability, try looking at it as a way to weed out the needy masses. And remember that for many guys, there’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.

Ben, a dater from San Diego sums it up: “I love powerful women. Bring it on.”

Michael Alvear’s take: ”Yes some men are intimidated by powerful women, but less and less so.”

Myth # 7: Love conquers all

Love, much like spackle, can smooth the cracks of life’s ups and downs, but it’s not a cure-all for abuse, alcohol, drug or gambling addictions, mommy issues, a compulsion to speed or shoplift, or the inability to remain employed.

Some relationships can exacerbate a problem. And some problems are just too big to overcome without some serious professional intervention.

Michael Alvear’s take: “PPFFFT! (the sound of coffee spraying out onto my

screen).  Love ain’t enough.”

Love looks different to everyone. And the good news in all of this, dating stereotypes aside, is that there is at least one universal truth: There is someone for everyone.

Bestselling dating book and romantic comedy author Lisa Daily

7 Bizarre Signs of Cheating

This week on Daytime, I’ll be talking about some of the more unusual signs of cheating and my brand new book out today:

Is He Cheating? Crack the cheat code and find out right now if he is cheating or not, why he cheats, and what you need to do next.

A recent study found that either the wife or the husband cheats in 80% of marriages.

What if you could find out if someone is a cheating risk on the first date?  Did you know that the kind of movies a person likes, or looking at their hand can tell you if they’re more likely to cheat?   Read on, and learn some very unexpected signs of a cheating spouse or boyfriend.

Behold, the strangest signs of cheating:

His ring finger is longer than his index finger

One truly odd sign of cheating is that the length of a man’s ring finger is linked to testosterone levels, and interestingly enough, infidelity.  If his ring finger is longer than his index finger, he likely has a higher testosterone level, which means more partners and a significantly higher risk of cheating. If you want to check his finger without calling attention to the fact that you think he might be cheating, tell him you’re concerned about his health — a longer ring finger is also an indicator of lower risk for heart attack.  Or you can tell him that a longer ring finger means he’ll be more successful in business. A University of Cambridge study of 49 male traders found that guys with longer ring fingers earned 10 times more money than men with short ring fingers.

He’s had a brain injury, multiple concussions, or has a history of high contact sports

You might want to rethink the appeal of the great-looking quarterback after this one.  Was your guy a linebacker or a wide receiver on the football team in high school?  Men who have had multiple concussions are more likely to cheat than other men.  Why?  Multiple smacks to the head damage the front lobe of the brain, the part that controls our inappropriate impulses.

He ‘s a gambler

Here we go again, another sign of cheating linked with impulse control issues.  Thrill-seeking guys frequently have the longer DRD4 gene, which makes them more likely to have gambling addictions.  Yes, the same guy who ran up $7,000 on your credit card last month in Vegas probably slept with a showgirl or a hooker in the same weekend. Lucky you.

He loves horror movies

Watch out for this bizarre sign: Men with the cheating gene are more likely to enjoy watching horror movies than other men.  Why?  Men with the longer DRD4 gene (also known as the cheater gene) are much more likely to be attracted to slasher movies than men with the shorter DRD4.

He’s tall

Another disappointing sign? A study reported in Psychology Today reported that tall men are more likely to cheat.  Experts aren’t sure if its related to testosterone, (which may influence not only height but also infidelity) or something else, but it certainly puts a damper on tall, dark and handsome.

He drives a Toyota 

According to Ashley Madison, the dating website for people looking to cheat on their significant other, 20.9% of cheating men drive a Toyota.  The second most popular car for cheating men?  Ford, at 12.3%.

He rolls over and falls asleep after sex

A recent study found that men who engaged in a little pillow talk after sex were more likely to commit and be faithful than men who fell asleep right after. What’s more, a high number of guys who forgo the pillow talk suffer from something called “insecure attachment” which means they have trouble bonding, always need to be in control, and are more likely to have an affair.

Want more? My brand new book Is He Cheating is out today, you can get it for the bargain price of 99 cents on kindle for today only. Don’t have a kindle? Get the free app for your smartphone, iPad, Mac or PC at Amazon when you order.

 

Need advice for dating? Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of dating books and romantic comedies.