Tedder's Blog, page 35
April 10, 2023
Mirror Mirror ~ Arrogance
Introspection — what better way to start a week.
Question – What is arrogance?
Seems everyone remembers the seven deadly sins. “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes (pride/arrogance), a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” Proverbs 6:16-19.
Jesus gave us a similar list. “For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” Mark 7: 21-23. Interestingly, he leads his list with sexual immorality.
Arrogance is not a good thing. Arrogant means “having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities.”
Pedophiles fit this list to a tee and they drip with pride. Their exaggerated sense of their own importance allows them to rip from innocent children anything they need or want.
This is how I know I am not even close to what I came through. No comparison to them.
I will remember today I am not my experiences, I just had to come through them.
April 8, 2023
Jewels, Gems & Gunpowder
I would love to hear from you! Sharing Saturday with you.
A Jewel: Healing is a journey of the brave. The courageous traverse its waters. It takes tenacity to tell your story — the whole story. Fine-brushed strokes of truth again and again. I started with the first memory and didn’t give into the desire to call if false. I picked at it, encouraged it to tell me more. Then, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
A Gem: When my strength fails me, which it does often, I cling to the simple words of this song, “Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong; they are weak, but he is strong.” Yes, Jesus indeed loves me.
Anna Bartlett Warner wrote that song in 1822. Crazy how applicable it is today.
Metaphorical Gunpowder: I often walk like I already won. If I slip into an attitude of defeat, it takes me down fast. I used live like that a lot. Until, I didn’t!
Please comment below by leaving your jewel, a gem or something you keep yourself free from with metaphorical gunpowder.
All love!
April 7, 2023
Openness
Every win, every joy, every happy outcome, every freedom in my life has come from staying open & willing. To life, to God and all of his plans for me.
Willingness means you are open. That’s your heart is open as well as your eyes.
You are available to the possibilities you might not have imagined. You are able to feel the stings of disappointment, and still face forward, with your face to the sun.
Indeed life is indeed a journey and you are on it, one way or another.
If you choose willingness, I guarantee…there is so much good ahead.
B
F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)
On the discussion of fear — Do you fear the abuse that happened to you makes you dirty?
It is very hard to separate an act that was imposed on your body and an act that you control. That seems an easy separation, doesn’t it.
If it is such an easy separation, why do so many of us identify “as” the abuse we received?
For years I was wrought with duplicating my past by bringing sexual exploration into my today. Even in my marriage, I allowed sexual escapades that I didn’t want. When I was single, I found it hard not to give myself sexually to the men I dated (or didn’t date).
My point is this: I am not the sexual abuse I received. It was the abusers’ sin not mine. The abuse doesn’t make me bad – my choices will or will not do that. Two separate things.
In Mark 7, Jesus was talking to a crowd and then clarified with his disciples. He said,
17 After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable.
18“Are you so dull?” he asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them?
19For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.”
Mark 7:17-19 *(NIV)
I love Jesus. Are you so dull? Makes me laugh. The point is that nothing that enters a person from the outside makes us bad! Period.
Jesus brings us back to that clarity and gives us back choice.
April 6, 2023
Trust Issues
Whether you’ve been a believer for 6 days or 60 years, you will continually be learning to trust God.
This is never a lesson learned. It is always a lesson being learned.
On this side of heaven, none of us will ever be able to say “I trust God” always and completely without fail. I realize that now and I’m starting to make peace with the process.
Trusting God is simply believing that He loves you and knowing He’s good, He has the power to help you, and He wants to help you.
I used to have a habit of trusting only myself. I formed this habit through years of trusting people, getting hurt and finding out I couldn’t trust them.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
God doesn’t want us to worry or to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. He’s called us to bring everything to Him in prayer, stop obsessing over the details, and trust Him with our lives. In what area can you trust God today?
B
Trembling with Anxiety
It is a funny phenomena — I was never really scared of the outside world. My deepest fears always lived inside homes. That’s where I have always been hurt.
I remember my counselor and I discussing how to keep myself safe. We’d run through different scenarios — like waking up and having an intruder in your house. This had happened to him. I told him I’d use my mind. Then, I shared that I slept with my dresser in front of my bedroom door (I was in my forties and lived alone). I remember Redmond being a bit puzzled, and then said, “Oh, you still fear what’s inside of your house. ” Then we chatted about my father’s age and so on — as a reminder that those days were gone.
Fear is a funny thing, isn’t it. The danger can be long gone but when it lasts an entire childhood, there is a print imbedded deep within you that screams you are not safe. It is triggered entirely too easy for me sometimes.
You know that courage and fear can co-exist? This is how I’ve lived most of my adult life.
Lord, today, I pray that you remind me that I have all the tools I need to stay safe, to live in harmony with you and others. Remind me often that as I I revisit my past for various things, that those days are over. Forever. The family of origin that I came through can no longer hurt me.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
April 5, 2023
A light in the dark
Even though I love my life, there are times I think about what it would have been like to grow up without abuse. I still have difficult struggles because of what I endured. Life would be much easier if I didn’t have these struggles. I hate that my father chose to sexually abuse me, rape me, physically harm me, and then abandon me. Or that this pain was so deep that it drove me to want to die and attempt to kill myself with drugs and self harm. I didn’t chose any of it nor did I deserve it.
While it never should have happened, I gained too many blessings through the abuse to wish I had never had this experience. My empathy for others, my faith that grew through my trials, and other great blessings came from what I went through.
I am complex and sensitive and empathetic. I am a great mother and a good partner. I have learned these because the pain ultimately drove me into the arms of Jesus who held me through all of it – even when I didn’t believe.
If God gave me a choice to go back and either relive the awful abuse I went through and have a strong faith, or live a normal, carefree childhood and fall away from God, I would choose to go through the abuse all over again. God knew what he was doing in allowing me to endure abuse. I’m honored he chose me.
B
The Devil is in the Details
Broad-handed strokes of truth are somewhat easy. What do I mean?
Here’s an example of a broad-handed stroke of truth: “I was abused as a child.”
That’s difficult to say, for sure.
Small-brushed truth says, “My father deceived me for years. His penetration was not just my body, it was the penetration of my soul that lingered. Sifting the years for what was right and what was wrong, took time. Painstaking effort to find the valleys of denial that I lived in.”
My heart breaks every time I think of betraying my children. And, betray them, I did! Why? Because the devil is in the details. I knew I was abused. I told people I had been sexually abused. What I did not do, was walk away from the deception of it all. I stayed. I lived by it, in it — suffered trying to distinguish right from wrong.
A broad-handed stroke of truth is just the beginning. My children would not have gone through more abuse in my first marriage if I had learned the art of small-brushed truth. The kind of truth that sets you free.
The devil stays hidden when we don’t tell the details.
Deceivers rely on your silence. They stay hidden when your details are not disclosed. If you cannot share with a person, tell your cat — tell a favorite plant, but for the sake of all that’s good, learn to tell the details.
The details of a matter are its most problematic aspect.
April 4, 2023
Where is God?
Even when you can’t feel God – he is still there. Even when you reject him and stop believing – it does not matter. God exists to love and support you even when everyone else had abandoned you.
I’m alive because of Him. I survived multiple overdoeses, suicide attempts and cardiac arrest because of His protection. I am sober today and healing from all of my trauma because of Him.
Today, I have moments where I just know, without a doubt, that I am experiencing the guidance, grace, love, and peace of God.
I also have Monday mornings, car accidents, bills, funerals, plumbing issues, and all sorts of moments where I don’t “feel” God at all.
Should we always have an undeniable and tangible awareness of God?
I think loving God and serving Him has a lot more to do with this:
… the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8 NLT
We don’t need tingles to experience God’s presence. Try asking God to reveal Himself to you. Give Him permission to do it however He pleases.
B
Teaser Tuesday
I start this chapter with, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have tucked myself away in a small cabin, surrounded by trees, a great lake in the distance? That’s the stuff dreams are made of, but not reality.” I wrote those words about 15 years ago.
Can I show you a piece of what God has done in my life? This is a picture of where I live today. It is a house, surrounded by trees, a great lake in the distance. ONLY GOD.
Forewarning: This book is intended for the brokenhearted person stumbling through life looking for answers, crawling through pain, trying to find meaning to it all. — It is a tough read by all measures. The graphic depiction of abuse may very likely open wounds. If you have been through trauma, take good care while listening or reading.
The audiobook will be available in a few weeks.
From the book A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own,
Chapter 14 – Purgatory“Pain demands to be felt.”
-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Life around me did, indeed, go on. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have tucked myself away in a small cabin, surrounded by trees, a great lake in the distance? That’s the stuff dreams are made of, but not reality.
I found myself gasping for air as work demands pressed in on me and my children needed more at times than I could give. I was drowning and just wanted to sink into an abyss. I’d fantasize about contracting some serious disease. If I were sick, I’d have to stop trying. If I had an illness that people could see, they’d understand why I was too exhausted to carry on. Someone might see why I couldn’t find the strength to continue, and it wouldn’t be my fault that my strength had failed me. As I sank beneath the waves, I could blame it on my health.
I wasn’t the best at picking men, but men were certainly good at picking me. I’d currently found myself struggling to leave a relationship I’d been in for some time. This man cheated, used drugs, and consistently tore me down – all of which I was used to. I still hadn’t found the worth to say no to this kind of treatment. In fact, during this time, I found it almost impossible to be around healthy people. I couldn’t afford any more judgment of who I was or was not. So, hanging out with a cheating drug addict was somewhat easy. To be fair, he had some good things wrapped up in his package, too.
During an off time in my relationship, I began seeing someone else. My ex didn’t like this and decided he’d kick open my door and take what he wanted. The man in my house was married. Separated, but still married. He wanted no part in protecting me in any way. I was on my own to fight off my intruder. Eventually, he left, and I had to phone the police for some feeling of protection. The county prosecutor’s office took the case and charged him with a felony. I had just initiated an ongoing battle for the next many months.
At the same time, I was engaged in pre-trial negotiations with the firm I had worked at during Cinnamon’s misconduct. While I had an employment attorney handling the case, she asked me to file a state bar complaint about Cinnamon, as this would help our case. Now, when you stand against attorneys and try to plead misconduct, it’s not an easy task. But you bet I took it head-on and resolutely. I built my facts brick by brick.
During this time, Brit came to me one morning and lifted the sleeve of her shirt. She said, “Mom, look.” Aghast, I looked at my precious firstborn’s forearm. It was again wrought with the confusion of a heroin addiction. My precious little girl was still in a battle for her life. I could not lose her. Everything else had to stop until I could find her help. I had no time to grieve, I simply had to spring into action, though I wasn’t sure what.
I started calling rehab centers, one after another. Finally, I found one in California. The research I had done told me to get her out of her current environment, so I did. I cashed out my retirement to pay for most of the cost of the facility and bought a plane ticket for her that day. The rehab center gave me a list of items that we’d need: two weeks’ worth of clothes, toiletries, a toothbrush, paste, shampoo, lotions, etc., a razor (that they’d hold for her use), and heroin.
“Wait! What did you just say?”
“Heroin,” came her reply. “If you don’t keep her high, she won’t get on the plane.”
. . .
