Tedder's Blog, page 38

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

Question — If you could attack anything, what would you attack?

In my first marriage, my wusband cheated over and over and over. I never wanted to be anger with the women he cheated with. My contract was with him. I wanted to attack him.

My father got away with murder. I never wanted to be anger at the police for not being able to intervene more, I was anger at my father.

My mother has never stood for me, never protected or loved me. She has feigned for the audiences of life and for her own control that she wants to help, but I know its nonsense. Help comes through admission. Period! I don’t charge other abusive, controlling woman with who my mother is. There was a time I wanted to attack them all. But, I mostly want to attack her.

What is my point with all this?

Find the real source of your pain, your agony. So often in life we project our anger and attack things that have nothing to do with the real source.

Ask yourself who it is that you are most angry with.

You don’t have to fear anger just use it appropriately and apply it accurately.

#youseeyou

Societal Failure

How many times does history have to repeat itself before we learn that values matter? Families matter. Moral courage matters. Honor and integrity matter. Not only for individual happiness and prosperity, but for the good and strengthening of society.

Which fails us first…The family or society? Too many parents become distracted by all that society is offering, and they fail to focus time and instruction toward their children.  Children, having no guidance because of absent parents, become swayed by what society is offering, and the cycle continues, but compounds with each new generation.

Now add trauma to this mix. It’s a recipe for utter and total annihilation. Most children never recover. With nobody to catch them when they fall, they turn to outside sources to sooth their pain – drugs, sex, addictions of every kind.

Disconnection is the name of the game. Where parents put their own needs above their children’s needs. When society values progress and capital above all else. When we ignore the huge underbelly of childhood sexual abuse….we will never heal.

B

Deity

What does deity stand for? It is any supernatural being worshipped as controlling some part of the world or some aspect of life or who is the personification of a force.

A personification of a force?

This sounds like a description of every abuser I have known. They play God in the life of their victims. No wonder it is so hard to break the cycle of abuse.

But, supernatural?

To the abused, they seem to have a supernatural quality. They have a way of knowing, their control insidious, their deception is from another world.

Why do I care?

The only way to unweave the patterns of abuse is to understand them. The disguises they wear. The manipulation they bring. We cannot fall prey to their habitual patterns. The undoing of these patterns is what sets us free.

I am a Christian. I believe in the eternal son of God. I do not, however, believe in much of the Christianese approach to healing for the brokenhearted. The clichés religious people throw around about forgiving and forgetting. Let’s not talk about such things. Keep that shit in the closet and on and on their rhetoric goes. Be a good Christian and keep your brokenness covered up.

The God I know speaks out loud and He encourages me too, also. The only deity I submit to is His authority. I like that. It has kept me free.

Night Terrors

Trauma is not just “in your head”. It leaves a real, physical imprint on your body, jarring your memory storage processes and changing your brain.

How many of you have nightmares or anxiety dreams related to your trauma? Remember : PTSD nightmares aren’t always exact replays of the event. Sometimes they replay the emotions you felt during the event, such as fear, helplessness, and sadness.

Some researchers think nightmares may be an intense expression of the body working through traumatic experiences, so intense that the nightmare causes the sleeper to wake up. Nightmares may also represent a breakdown in the body’s ability to process trauma.

Consequently, poor sleep affects all aspects of your life. From your mood (causing irritability and stress) to increased arousal caused by the anxiety. This ends up being a vicious cycle that ends up continuing to affect your sleep and adds to your PTSD symptoms.

I feel so wiped out emotionally after a nightmares. And it’s proven that people experience real, bodily effects after traumatic dreams. Emotions and stress experienced in dreams can have very real emotional and physiological consequences… which again, can intensify symptoms.

But just like memories, the dreams that they can help produce are best talked about, written down, discussed in therapy and investigated. Doing this, makes the intangible, tangible and allows us to get support and work through these horrible nighttime woes.

B

Controlled Anger

Tears have streamed down my face as I’ve been offered let down after let down in life.

Example: My oldest daughter is hit in the face by her father. The police come and arrest him. During the interview, she tells the police officer and later child protective services that her father sexually abused her.

Outcome: No charges were ever brought. He stayed one night in jail for hitting her. Case over.

Example: Under no hypnosis at any time, I recall the detail of witnessing a murder. I build a case using my own money. I hire an PI to help me. I put together a notebook for what I’ve found and bring it to the police. They open a case and investigate.

Outcome: No charges or closure. Case closed based on a statement my mother made in 1968 securing an alibi for my father today.

Sometimes, I have wanted to rage! Cry! Scream. Instead, I internalize, shut down, and walk around believing that life holds no justice.

There were years when I just couldn’t control my anger. I used self-harm to shut it down but it came seeping out of my pours. I was pissed off at a world that didn’t, and still doesn’t, listen to most victims.

Using spoken and written words has helped me relieve some of the suffering. I’ve been asked why my book is so graphic in detailing the abuse. I can assure you it took courage to write that detail, damning my efforts to deny my past, but I had to. The story could only be told from the perspective of full truth. Every time I’d read a book on healing, I wanted the whole story — not a story told through a third-party counselor. I wanted to read a story that would make my pain easier. I wanted to read a book that sifted through the bullshit and told the honest, painful experience.

I couldn’t find that book, so I wrote it. Grab your copy today and walk with on the journey of healing. My prayer is that you will find yourself and your whole story through my words.

Warning: This book is not attended as a light read. It will trigger you and my prayer is that those triggers will lead you further into healing.

The Baton of Pain

Some of the patterns of treating ourselves unkindly start early on, in our homes, from the very people who are meant to keep us safe and feeling loved.

When I was a teen, after my father left, I picked up where he had left off. Didn’t even skip a beat really.

When your abuser is hyper critical of you, you become overly critical of yourself.

When they neglect you, you learn to neglect yourself.

When they abandon you, you learn to abandon yourself.

When they treat you hatefully, you learn to hate yourself.

Soon, abuse becomes second nature. Sometimes it even feels better than the happier alternative.

These patterns are hard, but not impossible, to reprogram. Once you see that what was told you about yourself was a lie, the healing becomes easier.

B

Teaser Tuesday

Hope is the secret weapon! Hope explores the possibility that some good does exist. Hope believes in you. Hope opens the doors that cannot be shut on you. It is a powerful thing to be believed, isn’t it?

From the book A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own,

Chapter 19 – Could It Be Madeline?

“A cheap Saturday night took you down. You died stupidly and harshly . . .I failed you as a talisman – so I stand now as your witness.”

– My Dark Places, James Ellroy

After Dad’s death, the police investigation didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

I met with them one last time, but there wasn’t funding, even if they wanted to help. The reality was that the murderer was also dead now. The last thing we were told is that they believed Madeline Babcock’s remains had been found in Linn County, Oregon. If that were true, it would completely negate Madeline being the woman I remembered from 1968. We waited for the answer.

In the meantime, I talked with Foster about me spearheading an effort to get to know Madeline Babcock’s sister. The police told me not to contact her, but I was running out of options and people were aging every day. I wanted to see if this sister had any information that would match anything I had.

Foster replied, “If the police aren’t going to do any more, then certainly you have the right to continue.”

I love how Foster taught me my rights. I did have rights, not just privileges.

I can never be certain if Madeline “Lynn” Babcock is the person buried in the sink hole that day, but you can be the judge and jury. I’m fine with that. My pursuit was not just mine alone, but for this woman I had met. I had to do all I could while there was still some sun light casting a ray of hope.

You Can Be Whole

When we’ve survived an extremely traumatic event, it can be painful to revisit the memory.

Many of us would prefer not to talk about it. Many of us stuff it down and move on…often unaware that we are living life in half measure.

You don’t have to limp through life. You’re life doesn’t have to get smaller over time. It can become more expansive, more vivid and more alive every year.

Many trauma survivors I’ve known described the strength they found as they faced their trauma and told their story.

They said they felt unburdened, less numbness & anger….they saw their fear lessen and found greater freedom in their lives.

It takes courage to tell your story, and witnessing your own courage shows you that you’re not only strong, but also whole.

B

Writing Prompt

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

I hope you accomplished all you wanted to get done. Maybe you accomplished more. Either way, I’m proud of you. The courage it took to be you only God understands.

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.I hope you accom...

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

I hope you accomplished all you wanted to get done. Maybe you accomplished more. Either way I’m proud of you. The courage it took to be you only God understands.