Tedder's Blog, page 41

Learn to Love

Pain, humility and effort.

These are the conditions for healing.

It’s not just all self-love & self-compassion like we keep hearing. “Love yourself before anyone else!”

It just doesn’t work that way. I actually think it’s the opposite: you can’t really love yourself until you love other people.

I don’t think it’s possible to be still incapable of seeing the goodness and beauty of other people and yet see goodness and beauty in yourself.  One comes with the other.

When my life was miserable and I was isolated and struggling, it was somewhat driven by childhood PTSD and what had happened to me as a kid.

But mostly I was miserable because of problems I was having with other people in present time, as an adult. A good part of why I was having problems with people was because I wasn’t very good at caring about them – or paying attention to them, feeling empathy for them. Have you ever been in that place where you couldn’t give that? 

We hurt, we stop making excuses, then we do our best. It’s not rocket science, but it is logical.

I know this because I’ve both changed and I’ve failed to change many, many times. And when I’ve successfully changed this is how I did it. 

Today I’m miles and miles beyond where I was at the beginning of my healing. I have a long way to go, just like everyone. But I’m way past the highest point I thought was even possible for me in my life. 

And each time I was able to make a breakthrough and change and grow in my capacity to love people and listen to them and be caring toward them, I’d think “Hey, I’m pretty good at this! You know what? I can do this. I’m making a difference!” 

And when this is happening – I’m feeling it because I’m doing it – everything changes. And I discover that I love myself. And when I love myself, I’m a lot more at ease with other people. So, it’s a positively reinforcing cycle. I couldn’t love myself when I was focused only on MY feelings and MY hurts and trying to just stop being self-hating and just love myself.  I had to take steps up – look outward. 

It seems counterintuitive but it works.

Learn to trust.

Learn to love.

B

Mirror Mirror

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

On bravery – Doing one thing every day that scares you — this is what healing looks like.

With so many people reading the book A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own, I’m often told that they cannot read the book fast. They read a few pages or a chapter and have to put it down, digest it, and walk away for awhile before continuing on.

It’s awkward for me. To reveal my tragedy in such detail is not what I needed to do. However, I did want to write a book that captured the emotional pain and torture incest and debauchery leaves in a person’s life. I have obviously done that.

The book is intended to guide the brokenhearted on a path of healing. And, healing is not for the faint of heart.

If you want to see what the journey looks like, order your copy today. It is a true labor of love. It took a lot of courage, and – it still does.

Jewels, Gems & Gunpowder

I would love to hear from you! Sharing Saturday with you.

A Jewel: My memory is not a delusion. While I wish at times it were pure imagination, my peace returns when I know it is real.

A Gem: The life I live today, I worked hard for. I put in the work healing takes. I believed myself.

Metaphorical Gunpowder: Miracles still happen today. There is a strong belief I have that I will excavate and return the murdered woman to her family. Only God!

Please comment below by leaving your jewel, a gem or something you keep yourself free from with metaphorical gunpowder.

All love!

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

On the discussion of fear — Do you fear what your heart is carrying?

Being abused my entire childhood left a sense of wonder in me. I wonder all kinds of things. What would it feel like to have been a loved child? What would it have felt like to be covered up, tucked in peacefully, and not disturbed through the night.

Wonder…..it is a good thing.

I also wonder what damage lingers in my heart. Do I hold bitterness? Am I jealous of the one that came from love? Do I envy?

What is in my heart determines the steps of my life. I focus on this a lot. There is this cool scripture where Jesus is talking to the religious people in his time. He didn’t like them much. In Matthew 15, Jesus was speaking to a crowd and said,

“Listen and understand. What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean.”

Matthew 15: 10

This tells me to constantly check in with what my heart is carrying and not to be as concerned with what goes “into my mouth.”

If that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, let’s see how Jesus explained it:

16 “Are you still so dull?” Jesus asked them. 17 “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”

matthew 15: 16-20

So, I am right to be concerned with what my heart is carrying. It matters. It alone can change the course of my life.

I see people worry about drugs, smoking, alcohol — all things that go into a body. What if we instead focused on the heart. What is going on in the heart? The question that Jesus would ask.

Now, I ask you again, do you fear what your heart is carrying?

A Winnowing Fork

In its simplest form it involves throwing the mixture into the air so that the wind blows away the lighter chaff, while the heavier grains fall back down for recovery. It is the act of separating the good from the bad. Separating yourself from the bad is a necessary act when you come through aContinue reading "A Winnowing Fork"

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

On the discussion of fear — Do you fear the future? Growing up in the isolation of an abusive home, I didn’t like tomorrows very much. What did tomorrow hold that looked different than what I had? There was no hope in my yesterday, there was no hope in the day, and there certainly wasContinue reading "F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)"

Guilt, Persausion, Mood

Whatever the challenge is facing you today, I pray that you remember yourself. See yourself and be grateful you’ve made it this far. Childhood tragedy and trauma are inexplicable. The person without the experience will never understand the trauma. Period. I don’t care how much you read about our experiences. I don’t care how muchContinue reading "Guilt, Persausion, Mood"

The Frailty of Being Human

I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish myContinue reading "The Frailty of Being Human"

~ Bloodguilt ~

I am not saying I still believe that I’m guilty of murder, but being a witness was something that moved me on, made me turn over stones, and hunt for evidence. All my life, I knew something happened in a motel room with my father and his best friend, Craig. I always assumed that they’dContinue reading "~ Bloodguilt ~"

Blasphemy

The word means impious utterance or action concerning God or sacred things. In other words, lacking in proper respect. I have never met a pedophile that had proper respect for anything in life. And, I do mean anything, except themselves. They hold their own being in high esteem, but anything else means about nothing toContinue reading "Blasphemy"