Tedder's Blog, page 37

Take Your Power Back

I overcame so many dark moments with the realization that I didn’t want my father to win—in the midst of all the pain (much of it caused by him), I didn’t want him to win.

I wanted to take my power back.

At some point, something inside me shifted into a determination for me to win, to live, and to make choices for myself that would give me freedom and the opportunity to live a life that I wanted, on my terms.

Every time I feel guilty, yearn for the connection of a father, question myself, my memory, my integrity… & travel back and forth to the land of self-doubt… I remind myself that someone will see this, know it wasn’t their fault, and recognize they have every right to demand outrage from themselves and others, outrage that exists because of having to hide such a defining moment.

But, this also is about strength and becoming stronger than the pain you have suffered. This is about normalizing the strength that your trauma gave birth to and becoming more. More of everything, but especially more power to those whose voices were ignored for too long.

B

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

Question — In a relationship with a person, what do you fear will be stolen from you?

Or better said for me, what do I believe will not be stolen. I hate to be a cynic, but aren’t most people motivated purely by self-interest? Are they sincere? Do they carry with them integrity?

Okay, through years and years of counseling and listening to God, I have stumbled upon a way to be part of relationships. I am just being honest here. It is very hard for me to trust that people have a sincere desire for my best.

Let’s think of work relationships — that’s easy. It is all about what you give to them. Easy peasy. They don’t have to care about you personally — and truthfully, they usually don’t Their vested interest is getting the work done.

Then, what about friends. That’s a complicated one for me. I am distrustful. That’s just the truth.

A significant other poses risks of the grandest kind. What can’t they take from you.

In all these scenarios the one thing that keeps my heart occupied with peace is this: they cannot take who I am. That is no longer negotiable.

So, what do you fear will be taken from you in relationship?

Forewarning: This book is intended for the brokenhearted person stumbling through life looking for answers, crawling through pain, trying to find meaning to it all. — It is a tough read by all measures. The graphic depiction of abuse may very likely open wounds. If you have been through trauma, take good care while reading.

Break Free

Acknowledging the truth of our story is terrifying.

Thinking differently from the rest of the world is terrifying.

But it is time to take this seriously. The only way we will wake up as a human race is if enough of us wake up and start holding abusers accountable.

Living outside of the fear and denial is incredibly powerful and one of the most liberating things we can accomplish.

So many of us are are programmed to believe the lies instead of the truth.

Why?

The lies are much more convenient.

They make the world look less harsh.

They make horrible abuses disappear.

They make the powerful look like good people.

They give us a false sense of security too.

But under the surface, they don’t reduce our fear. They increase it. Deep down, we know the truth. And we know the blinders we are wearing can cause us more harm than good.

So we need to stop believing the lies because it feels better on the surface. We need to start believing the stuff that is hard to hear. We need to start believing the real truth from ourselves and others. We have to start believing the victims of horrible crimes and abuses.

They are not hallucinating.
They are not in need of meds. They are not lacking credibility. They are extremely brave.

And choosing to ignore or invalidate them is retraumatizing to them and the human race. The truth has to come out.

It is time for change. It is time to stop protecting the wrong people by participating in a abuser-enmeshed society.

It is time to question the fear-based choices of everyone around us. We have been given everything we need to break out of this prison.

And it’s time to use our tools.

B

Do you fall prey to words of deception?

Abusers are either trying to deceive you or they become your accuser. One way or the other, it is all manipulation. I’ve lived with many of them.

Abusive people want you to believe something that is not true, typically in order to gain some personal advantage. Not many people today use these old words, but we certainly should. Deception is cunning and sometimes hard to perceive. Deceivers are good at what they do — so good, most believe them.

Do these abusive people know what they’re doing? Of course they do!

If you stop believing the words of those that hurt you, guess what happens? You now become their target. They want to silence you. They will accuse you with false words and try to damage your character.

Be very careful who you let in your inner circle. If you are too young to walk away, tell someone who can help you. If you are an adult and you choose to stay by these people, please take a close look at that relationship. Without outside help, these relationships are toxic and will damage you.

What happens so often is we become paralyzed by these people. Their words intimidate us. Our anger towards them does nothing but keep that paralysis in place. Anger demands you focus on them. God is asking you to see yourself. YOU SEE YOU.

Taking your eyes off the abuser is the way to see your pain, acknowledge the damage that is in your life, and to start telling the true story.

God’s blessings to you today.

On Suffering

The world is a crazy, beautiful, ugly complicated place, and it keeps moving on from crisis to strangeness to beauty to weirdness to tragedy. David Remnick

Suffering leads us to ask for a cause. If we know the cause, it somehow makes it more acceptable or easier to embrace the fact that the suffering took place.  I have high cholesterol because I eat too much fatty food. I’m overweight because I don’t exercise enough.
But what about tragedy or suffering inflicted on innocent people who were perfectly healthy that became suddenly sick, or people who were innocent bystanders who encountered extremely evil violence at the hands of individuals not so well understood or known or explained?

As reasons for the tragedies continue to unfold we must look to our Creator more than ourselves for answers. What occurred was evil. But even out of evil God can still and does work—in spite of it.  

May we walk with those in deep pain whenever we have the chance. May we seek to be redemptive with our words as others experience unthinkable pain and loss.

Why does tragedy and suffering happen? There are no easy answers this side of Heaven. Sin, a broken world…but that doesn’t present a package with a nice little bow on top as the complete answer to suffering. We must trust in a God who’s understanding is beyond ours, whose love is vastly greater than ours, and who’s ability to redeem us is far reaching.

B

Courage to Defeat

Do you have the courage it takes to defeat those that hurt you? For years and years I did not. I let everyone walk right over me. In front of my face I can recall my mother ridiculing me, my ex-husband speaking so terribly to me that his own father defended me.

Why did I allow it?

Interestingly, my father did not ridicule me in my adulthood. He didn’t need to. He had effectively silenced me.

In my head, I heard their disparaging remarks. I knew it was wrong, but I still allowed it.

Do you know how to shut down a bully? You use your mouth. You use your intellect. You use your heart determination.

Today, I don’t live by those standards any longer. In fact, I won’t allow it in my work life either. I just stepped down from a big position. I didn’t like the way I was being treated. It felt unfair, unprofessional, and just plain mean.

I took courage and left that job.

What do you need courage for today?

Bad Days

Too often, trauma survivors keep their bad days hidden because they’re worried about what people will think, even though the bad days are when you need help the most.

I have definitely done this due to hurtful things people said to me in the past after confiding my PTSD in the wrong people.

I’ve been told I need to let my sexual abuse go…that I have control over my thoughts, so if I’m reliving the trauma it’s because I want to or that I’m seeking attention /sympathy. I’ve been told I’m crazy, too dark, or just plain hopeless.

Find people who will work to understand you and love you through your bad days.

B

Teaser Tuesday

Forewarning: This book is intended for the brokenhearted person stumbling through life looking for meaning — trying to end their pain. It is a tough read by all measures. If you have been through trauma, take good care while reading it. It will open wounds.

From the book A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own,

Chapter 9 – Trains, Planes & Automobiles

“Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.”

            – Cheryl Strayed from Tiny Beautiful Things

My brother had moved to Hawaii to run from illicit-drug complications at home and began working for Hawaiian air. Richard was a brick mason and belonged to an international union that had an office on Oahu. We decided to move our family to Hawaii and rent a place with my brother. After a very short year, we returned to the mainland and moved into a small town in Washington.

My oldest daughter, Brit, was in kindergarten and my little one, Brooke, was just three. I was a stay-at-home home in those days – the best job I’ve ever had. My girls were opposite in nature but close. Their thick dark blonde hair, beautiful skin, and striking eyes showed sisterhood.

One night, we had a party at a friend’s house and Richard left to run to the store. The girls and I went home because he still hadn’t returned by nightfall. About 4 or 5am, he came home.

The next day, I received a call from an angry husband, screaming on the phone, “Your husband did coke with my wife last night. I need to talk to him – now!”

Richard took the phone from my ear and hung up. I was devastated. I was just like my mom in the sense that this was now my family. He was my husband. I didn’t want to share him. I wanted him to be devoted to our family. But this was my normal by now, still too broken to leave.

I tried to write whenever I could. When Brooke was a baby, I had a vision of this book. On the cover was a woman wearing a prison-issued dress sitting on a concrete floor. One window cast a shadow on her downtrodden appearance. The title of the book was, A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own.

. . .

Incorporating Your Pain

When I see people who had a decent childhood (and I mean, even sub-par) or relationships with literally anyone in their extended family, or support from family with their children, etc etc etc. Sometimes I feel a rage boil up. It feels like it is bursting flames, like a windstorm spreading in all directions.

I immediately judge myself and then feel shame for feeling this way. I try to coach myself out of these thoughts…or scold myself. But more and more, I’m trying to listen, to dig, to get curious.

And often, I see a pretty simple message: an empty place, a place that feels loveless and unloved. A place so dark and cold that I don’t want to remember or visit anymore. I lived through horrible horrible things and sometimes I just want to forget. But it’s never that simple. There is no forgetting…our bodies will always find a way to remind us.

Then, I can see, that I need to care about this pain, that I accept and love this grieving place.

Offering a compassionate and clear attention to my vulnerability has connected me with a vastness of being that could include my pain.

B

Mirror Mirror ~ Introspection

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Question – Would you speak out against a corruption you saw?

The most common definition of corruption is dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery.

So, if you watched a person bash through a car window, open the door, and steal all of the contents, would call the police?

If you saw a man hitting a woman with a baby in her arms, would you cry out for him to stop and the call the police?

If you would react to these injustices, have you cried out to someone about the abuse that you received?

So many injustices go unnoticed in life. Never spoken about until the abuser dies or never.

Why?

If someone hurt you or is hurting you, would you call the police and tell them about that corruption?