Tedder's Blog, page 31

Be the Voice

So many claim to want peace, and love.

So many claim to be social justice warriors – speaking out against societal ills and abuse.

We lambast rape & sexual assault, we hate the one-off convicted pedophile we sometimes see on the news, we rail against marital rape (finally), sexual harassment, and we even support women who have felt even just used after a consensual sexual encounter.

But what about the children – in particular, the childhood victims of sexual rape, molestation, and incest.

As I lay next to my children, I can’t help but wonder, who could hurt them?

Thing is, perpetrators can be hard to spot … they live among us, may with the ability to charm and disarm…but with effort, I believe we can prevent many cases of childhood abuse if we started paying more attention, speaking up, telling our stories, having hard conversations, taking real action, etc.

Things we can do:

If you see abuse, stop it by any means necessary.

Teach your children how to recognize predators.

Protest for them. Research missing kids cases an speak up!

We need to watch all children. Always be aware.

Help single parents.

Donate to children’s charities.

Share knowledge.

Post about it.

Make it trend on Twitter, Facebook, and email.

Don’t ignore odd behavior when you see it involves a child.

Spread the word!

Please, our children need us. They can’t do it themselves. They rely on us; they are suffering. We need to be their voice.

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Unquestionable Understanding

Understanding. Understanding. Unquestionable understanding.

That’s the message that God has for you! It doesn’t matter where you find yourself right now. He gets it! More importantly, He gets YOU.

The pain. The confusion. The lack of ability to change.

He knows. Stand still. He’s got you!

WWW | Wellness Words Wednesday | Find Beauty in the Moments

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For Christmas one year, my beautiful grown daughters put together a box that held memories of our time together as they grew. In this glass trove they placed strips of paper that each of them had written capturing treasures I had shared with them that they now wanted me to reflect on and enjoy. Such a beautiful gift!

One of those snipets said this:

Oh, our lives held such tragedy indeed. The only way we could make it through was to take breathes in between the bad — finding beauty in the moments.

It is how we survived.

Having Difficult Conversations

The point of talking about historical trauma and how it’s passed down is not to encourage abuse survivors to feel hopelessness and despair nor to feel like a permanent victim. Quite the opposite.

It’s about coming to terms with our own stories, our own past. We want to be able to offer ourselves forgiveness and compassion, to understand that much of the difficulty we may face is not our fault.

And then we can begin to truly heal and to step into greater freedom, greater hope, greater responsibility to live differently and better than before.

When we grow into adults we’re often left to tackIe the effects of trauma on our own. When someone shares their story, people need to stop asking why they waited. Or, call them a liar. Or, say they are crazy. Or, keep them ostracized as the outcast.

We need to create a culture within our families where our children – and children turned adults – don’t feel so voiceless and unprotected when confiding in their truth.

It’s never too late to have these difficult conversations. Please have them.

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The Brokenhearted Are Gullible

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Pain made me fall prey to all kinds of abuse as I grew and left my family of orgin. I had never been taught to say no. Rather, I was forced to comply as a child. That left me in a state where I was so easily persuaded. My compliance came at a very high price – my being had been abducted.

So, when I happened out into the world I wasn’t prepared for the slimballs I’d met — people who prey on folks like me. Did my father know what he was setting me up for? When my mother demanded my silence, did she know the price I would pay at the hands of others?

They don’t care, but I do!

At 35 when I left my first abusive marriage, I was on a rebellious run. I still didnt know how to stop what was happening to me until I entered counseling. I had to unlearn a lot. It’s strange to me that I had to learn what comes natural to animals – protection. I had learned none of it. I was taught I had no protection. I was a pin cushion for anybody – anytime!

That changes a person. It effects and leds their steps for years and year and years. After that marriage I didn’t live with another partner for 13 years. Oh, I was in and out of bad relationship to other abusive partners, but I didn’t move in with anybody. I was finally learning a little self-protection.

Silent Partners

We don’t seem to talk of hear much about adults who are complicit in sexual abuse (and other forms of abuse as well) – including parents – either one or both.

In other forms of crime we have a term for this and we call it accomplice. This person can be charged for a crime even if they were not the main perpetrator. But with sexual abuse… it seems we, as a society, as milder feelings about the horrific abuse of children.

The term silent partner is most often used in the case of childhood sexual abuse, but it can be used to refer to any situation relating to the abuse of another person. A silent partner is any relative or close family friend who takes the abuser’s side against the victim rather than confronting the abuser or attempting to rescue the victim from the abuser.

In essence, a silent partner, most often the wife or husband of the abuser, joins the abuser in a conspiracy of silence by not only refusing to confront the abuser but by keeping the abuse silent. It should also be noted that sometimes the silent abuser is also partaking in the abuse itself.

A silent partner is, as the name implies, often considered to be an actual partner in the abuse. She or he is partners with the abuser and, ultimately, wants to maintain that partnership at all costs. Without his or her active cooperation, the abuse would not be allowed to continue.

Saying that someone is complicit in the situation is another way of describing the role of the silent partner. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines complicit as: “Helping to commit a crime or do wrong.” The term complicity refers to the act of helping someone else behave inappropriately or illegally—being an accomplice.

Let’s hold all those accountable who are complicit in childhood abuse. Even if it pains us, makes us uncomfortable or sick to think about.

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Audiobook Now Available thru Amazon Audible

I am so proud of the completion of the audiobook. I am the narrator and painstakingly took the time needed for attention to the detail of my words, the nuances of the situation and so on. The audiobook is 10 hours and 2 minutes long.

93% of sexual offenders describe themselves as “religious.” This leaves a gaping faith wound in their victims. This book is a very real, authentic account of a childhood racked and riddled with abuse. Take good care when listening.

Here is the retail sample of the audiobook A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own:

I have chosen to list exclusively with Amazon:

Book Giveaway on Goodreads

I am giving away 100 free copies of the Kindle edition of A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own.

Goodreads Book Giveaway A Prisoner by No Crime of My Ownby Jodie Tedder

Giveaway ends May 17, 2023.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Mirror Mirror ~ Why am I so worried?

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Question – Do you find yourself worried?

In my childhood worry may have been my best self-defense. I certainly would not have had hope. Hope for what? But, worry? Of course. Days or nights were not safe in my home. Why not worry? I should have been scared – and, I was.

When I first entered counseling with a great doctor that understood, we chatted about this great cloud of worry that followed my days and hunted my nights. As we explored, it had now just become a “constant drip” in my life. I didn’t even know why I worried – I just worried all the time. Sometimes, I still do.

The cause of worry is easy for me to figure out. There wasn’t a time of safety in my early years – no where did safety exist. Of course I worried. My biggest hope was to just be ignored by the whole lot of my family. It was the best way to not be hurt – stay hidden.

Today, my anxiety is much better. I can add hope to my worry and it helps. It helps a lot.

Do you worry?

Jesus talked about worry in Matthew 6. His words help me.

Do Not Worry (or at least try)

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Don’t turn a blind eye

Over 58,000 cases of childhood sexual abuse were reported in 2014, with 93 percent of the children knowing their abusers. I need to add a caveat to these horrific numbers: 70 percent of victims don’t ever report. Those children, and their stories, are reason alone for us to make sure everyone gets validated for telling their story. These numbers are proof that we must have a continual avalanche of witnesses.

Our society now has enough evidence to understand that sexual violation is an epidemic but do we know incest is the grand underbelly of our rape culture?

Many of us share the common experience of avoiding the word “incest” when telling our stories. How can we address this pervasive issue if we can’t even use the appropriate language to describe it? How can I talk about the discomfort I’ve experienced in my life if it causes my listener so much discomfort that they no longer want to listen?

We know that it’s hard to listen to. We know that’s it’s hard to hold. We know that it’s hard to process. We know these things because we’ve had to do them, for all our lives, all by ourselves.

I want incest survivors to come forward without fear. I want families and communities to stop denying these occurrences and abandoning their babies. I want perpetrators to be criminalized. I want statue of limitation laws to be eradicated so that I can exercise my right to criminalize my abusers. I want people to stop refusing to address this issue because it’s too hard or it’s too complicated or it’s too intense. I want perpetrators to get treatment. I want victims to recover.

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