Tedder's Blog, page 32

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

[image error]

On the discussion of fear — Do you fear folly?

The lack of good sense and foolishness scares me. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. My father was a man of folly. He lacked all good sense and every act he did was full of foolishness.

As a result, I am hypersensitive to my actions. All of them. I critique and criticize myself all the time in an attempt to rid myself of foolishness. Not sure it can happen completely, but I am hard on myself. I am an intense person by all measures. I’d like to be more light-hearted than I am but life is a very serious thing to me.

Again, residual effects of a burdened childhood.

Maybe today I will intentionally try to be more free, live in a zone of peace, and attempt to rid myself of some self-judgment.

This is my dog, Jax. He is full of silliness and makes me laugh all the time. I need to take some lessons from him!

Become Trigger Smart

Triggers are confronting. They happen to everyone to a certain degree but especially to those who suffer from past trauma.

They happen to us at work, in relationships, and in interactions with complete strangers.

A trigger is basically an unhealed emotional wound. The level of emotions you experience gives you insight in to how long the trigger has gone suppressed.

They come on fast, unrelenting and often, without warning. You can feel it spreading through your body — the feeling of adrenaline and dyscombobulation, maybe feeling numb in your hands or your face, or having trouble expressing your thoughts.
⠀
But what if instead of avoiding our triggers, we became curious?
⠀
What is this trigger teaching me? ⠀
⠀
What event or memory from my past does this trigger remind me of? ⠀
⠀
What unhealed pain inside me is yearning to be seen?⠀
⠀
Our triggers can be our greatest teachers. It’s an invitation to observe what needs to be healed within us. ⠀
⠀
In healing triggers, we change the way we perceive the world around us and our interactions with the people in it. If we can identify triggers and separate ourselves from the emotional reaction, we gain insight.

B

Lambaste Mediocrity

[image error]

I am weary with the fight for justice in a world that shuts down the voice of victims. What do I mean?

Christian people who have platforms they could use to aid God’s wounded soldiers — that’s why they have a platform, right?

Wrong! How do they use their platforms to find the brokenhearted? How do they use their words to help lead them to healing? They use platitudes and Christianese jargon that keep it all covered nicely. They present these little packages of all-put-together people with only peripheral references to any abuse.

I am sick of it!

That is not how I believe God handles our situations. He knows us intimately. He desires deeply for our stories to be heard, expunged, and healed. The church, by denying the horrific abuse that exists, layers us with shame, really.

I am tired of it!

Here’s another example: I want to run a campaign on Amazon to get my book in the hands of souls that need it. Amazon denies my request. Here’s their response:

“Please know the below content is prohibited for advertising-
Excessive violence or gore, including, but not limited to:
Overt references to or images implying or depicting rape and sexual molestation.

At Amazon Ads, we believe maintaining a high customer experience bar for the ads we serve helps us drive better results for our advertisers, and we have determined that some customers may not be comfortable with seeing these types of products.”

Email from amazon advertiser support 2/23/2023

So our experiences would make some of their customers uncomfortable. Unbelievable, really.

I’m tired of this approach to trauma. “They” say to us, “You stay hidden while we live over here. We don’t want your burden bleeding on to us.”

I am really tired of it! I am not, however, tired of telling my story. It is the job of every Christ follower to help set the captive free. I intend to keep on marching. It is my destiny. It is my purpose.

Ruthless witnessses come forward when victims begin to talk. Have you ever noticed that? It is why many victims stay quiet. They don’t want to deal with being maliciously mocked. Oh, I have been the receiver of much of it. My family has an entire campaign against me. My neice called it, “The I-hate-Aunt-Jodie Club.”

Nothing is going to stop me. Period.

Blessings In Disguise

Even though I love my life, there are times I think about what it would have been like to grow up without abuse. I still have difficult struggles because of what I endured. Life would be much easier if I didn’t have these struggles. I hate that my father chose to sexually abuse me, rape me, physically harm me, and then abandon me. Or that this pain was so deep that it drove me to want to die and attempt to kill myself with drugs and self harm. I didn’t chose any of it nor did I deserve it.

While it never should have happened, I gained too many blessings through the abuse to wish I had never had this experience. My empathy for others, my faith that grew through my trials, and other great blessings came from what I went through.

I am complex and sensitive and empathetic. I am a great mother and a good partner. I have learned these because the pain ultimately drove me into the arms of Jesus who held me through all of it – even when I didn’t believe.

If God gave me a choice to go back and either relive the awful abuse I went through and have a strong faith, or live a normal, carefree childhood and fall away from God, I would choose to go through the abuse all over again. God knew what he was doing in allowing me to endure abuse. I’m honored he chose me.

B

WWW | Wellness Word Wednesday

Today’s word: Rejection.

To me the deepest pain in life is all born out of rejection. What makes incest so ugly is that it is family. Family is supposed to care, nurture, protect, and love. Those words are so far from rejection.

What is abuse?

use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.the improper use of something.

Childhood crimes fall squarely into these definitions.

Taking both of these words into account then, a child is at a great disadvantage moving into life after childhood maltreatment.

Adults who align themselves with the ideology of using children for sexual pleasure, have rejection as their life base. They have dismissed the idea that children are to be protected and loved. They have also pushed away the affections of those adults that should love them.

We give what we have in our souls. Unless you are walking in denial, abuse leaves rejection as your base.

These are life lessons that I had to learn to start walking out a life of fredom. In peace I began to learn that my childhood was racked and riddled with rejection. There was no basis of love in my home. No homes of incest truly celebrate love. That is a fact.

Confronting the Past

Every day you are building something braver. Bolder. Every day you stand up to your abuser you are healing that part of yourself that never got to stand up.

How do you know if you are truly confronting your past and in turn your defenses around it?

Ask yourself:

• Are you discounting or minimizing the difficult and traumatic experiences you had in your childhood?

• Are you making what was abnormal normal?

• Are you protecting those who cared for you out of embarrassment, honor, or guilt?

• Are you denying that healing is possible?

• Are you avoiding the bad memories that you must confront and explore?

Only through openness, honesty, and compassion can the client truly face their past and find healing.

Denial is a normal part of the process but you cannot get to where you want to go without shedding it.

B

Bless, Curse Not

[image error]

Meeting Jesus at a very young, tender age taught me something: to listen to Him and not to religious ways of a population.

I could hate, but I don’t. The reason I try to keep my heart out of the mud is for me and my immediate family. While I walk wholeheartedly in the truth of my circumstances, I don’t hold on to angst. I could! Oh, trust me, I could.

Angst is “a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition.” Believe it or not, I stay fairly focused on the positive in life. Looking instead for God’s favor, His direction, and watching for His lead. This takes my eyes off most of the stuff around me.

If I hadn’t met Jesus before I turned four, I fear what my outcome would have been. Do you know how often offenders use religious cover?

93% of sex offenders describe themselves as “religious” (Abel study of 3,952 male offenders)In a survey of 2,864 church leaders, 20% knew of a sex offender attending/member of their church (Christanity Today 2010)Hard core offenders maintaining significant involvement with religious institutions “had more sexual offense convictions, more victims, and younger victimsWHY???????Church provides “cheap Grace,” gullible religious people, and easy access to children

Religious ways (meaning “relating to or believing in a religion”) are not the God of the bible. Gulliable? Jesus? No way! This is human tradition and the rules of people — NOT God. Society can be deceived and manipulated — God cannot be.

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is the mantra of the day!

Metamorphosis is the opposite of dissociation. It is the opposite of compromise, numbness, sacrifice, confusion and self-blame.

Metamorphosis is transformation where the frightened, distrustful child becomes a confident adult, capable of active participation in life and relationships.

We don’t have control over everything but we CAN determine our own mindset, choices, and trajectory in life.

We CAN decide whether or not to live in truth or denial.

We CAN look at our own history and claim it as truth and cast aside the pretense and lies that we had formerly been forced to live.

We CAN separate ourselves from our abusers and hold them accountable for their actions, freeing ourselves from the blame that had wrongfully been placed upon us.

We CAN say: look at the transformations I have endured, look at the pain I still carry, and see my strength.

We CAN (and will) find the happiness and satisfaction we deserve.

B

Mirror Mirror ~ Do you see reflections of your abuser in yourself?

[image error]

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Question – Do you see an overshadow of your abuser in yourself?

I look like my mother. Sometimes, when I laugh or talk, it seems I sound like her, too. This makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I do not want to be anything like her. I am not being unkind, I am simply stating the facts.

I’ve had to talk myself through this time and time again. I freeze when I hear my voice sound like her. It’s triggering. It throws me back to her – an abuser.

I kindly remind myself I am not her. I tell myself I am not the abuse I came through. I speak loudly to my soul that I have worked long and hard to be different. And, I am different.

Are you triggered by similarities in yourself that shadow your abuser?

Let Yourself Be Triggered

Don’t try to avoid your triggers. Instead face them, head on. Try to understand what they are telling you.

Get curious.

Go deeper.

If you’re trying to get through the world like an exposed wound, everything is going to feel like it may harm you.

So what is an emotional trigger?

A trigger is anything that incites a reactive, often intense, emotional response within you.

It could be something someone said, an event, or an article you read.

It could be a smell, sound, or thought that reminds you of a past experience.

It could even be seeing someone you dislike or hearing a statement you strongly disagree with.

True emotional healing doesn’t happen without feeling …sometimes feeling extremely uncomfortable, emotional or painful things.

By healing the parts of ourselves that are frozen in the past, we are able to bring them back into the present — and each time we do this we become less fragmented, and more whole.

Sometimes the best way to conquer what hurts you is to feel it more and get used to it, rather than hide from it.

Taking responsibility for yourself, your emotions, reactions, and everything you do is a core element of being a healthy, well-adjusted adult.. and an instrumental part of my healing.

B